#yes i will fucking roast reed richards within an inch of my life

[lovelyirony]

avengers B99 au, interactions with secondary characters :))

Bruce Banner doesn’t like doing his job. He really, really doesn’t. Usually Thor can make arrests or something, but no. They needed someone with scientific backgrounds, and Tony already said he would and could launch himself across the room and ruin society if it meant he would have to take a different shift. 

There’s a mole somewhere. And Bruce? Well, he’s about the least-threatening person on the Avengers force. 

(This is in fact a lie because if possible, Bruce would take over the government.) 

This is why he’s at work on a Sunday at six p.m., which is horrible and awful. 

He meets Reed Richards, who is perhaps the worst man ever and is very bad at science. Somehow, he’s gotten ten papers published. 

“I’m Dr. Richards,” he says, extending his hand. “Are you new here?” 

Bruce has passed Dr. Richards every day on his way home for the last six years. 

“Um, no,” Bruce says, taking his hand in a shake. “Just switched shifts. I’m usually the day, week shift.” 

“Oh, you were with those guys. Stark drive you crazy?” 

“No,” Bruce says, gritting his teeth. “More of the others.” 

“Well, glad you’ve joined our team. Better over here, right?” 

“...remains to be seen.” 

(It does not remain to be seen. This shift notoriously sucks.) 

Bruce is in charge of observing the different people. He finds out that Susan Storm has horrible taste in men, her brother is an asshole who everyone says Tony would get along with--which means they don’t get Tony in any way--and he doesn’t know what Ben Grimm’s deal is or why people call him “Thing.” 

“You’ll get it soon,” Susan says. “Just...wait.” 

Bruce emails Fury. 

Dear Captain Fury, 

You owe me margarita mix and at least 10 gazillion dollars in emotional damage. I cannot believe that I have to socialize with Reed Richards. In my scientific opinion, I hate this. I am very very close to total anarchy and getting rid of Barbra. Consider this your threat. 

Sincerely, 

Bruce Banner 

(Barbra is the Keurig. It is Tony’s prized possession and almost 48% of the reason he was still at the precinct.) 

The mole in the department is hard to find. Everyone has a reason, except for Dr. Richards, who doesn’t have a reason on the basis that he is a horrible person who Bruce would not be surprised to know that he probably owns at least twenty different sponges since he wants to be so absorbed in himself. You’d probably just need to hold a mirror up to his face to distract him. 

The arrests made are also different. 

A lot of drunk and disorderly, which Bruce handles with efficiency although he gets embroiled in a conversation about different brands of shaving cream. 

The only good thing about any of this is that Bruce gets to see Luke Cage in action. Luke is most likely the best human being in New York, and this isn’t just because he’s one of the few that can be partnered with Detective Jessica Jones and not die by the end of it. 

“I have really thick skin,” Luke jokes. 

“I think I’m in love with you,” Bruce announces. He’s on his seventh cup of coffee. “That’s the coffee talking.” 

Luke doesn’t treat that awkwardly, because apparently “more than five people have said this to me.” 

Bruce thinks it’s what he deserves. 

- 

Meanwhile on day shift during the weeks, it has gone to chaos. Bruce Banner is one of the main team members, and holds many people together due to a.) the fact that everyone on the team would kill for Bruce, b.) he makes good tea and knows the gossip, and c.) he’s perhaps the only one who can calm Thor down because Thor loves his husband more than life itself. 

Things are not going well. 

Plus, Dr. Richards keeps emailing Tony different stories about “how much better suited” Bruce is now. 

This conflicts with Bruce’s emails about “wanting to severely injure certain members of this shift, which initials are the same and are ‘R.R.’ 

Thor is cranky and wants his husband back and knows that he will riot if he doesn’t get to sleep in the same bed as his husband at the same time soon. 

-

Bruce is getting suspicious of a guy who goes by the name of Aldrich Killian. Just got hired by the precinct for tech support, but keeps weird hours and wears green polo shirts. Light green. This doesn’t necessarily mean a lot of things, but seriously. Who wears a light green polo shirt? To work? Get real. 

So Bruce starts his investigation and sends information to Fury and Tony. 

-

Killian then finds out that Bruce suspects, and traps him in the file room. 

“I literally, quite honestly, hate you a lot,” Bruce says. “It’s not even ten p.m. yet and I’m stuck here.” 

“And you will be unless you send your boss a message saying that I’m innocent,” Killian hisses. “And then you quit your job, or so help me I’m gonna kill you.” 

“Go ahead, try it,” Bruce says. “Kill me, I bet that’ll be real fun for your court case. Especially when everyone knows I’m here. And when you skip town, and you will, they’ll hunt after you. Tell me, you want Natasha Romanoff standing over your bed? Not fun.” 

“I’ll manage.” 

Bruce does not think he will. Because while Bruce has been talking, he’s realized one thing: the shelves are not bolted down. 

Then he remembers the time that Steve knocked one over because he was very angry about a case. 

So Killian gets a whole row of unsolved 1970s cases dumped on top of him. 

Bruce then doesn’t feel the need to do anything for the next ten minutes, because it is quite heavy. 

So he gets a coffee, has a stimulating conversation with Clint about “whether or not deer could actually feel anything but hubris and greed,” and then decides to casually tell Fury he found the mole. 

“When?” 

“Um, ten minutes ago? I went to get coffee. Clint wanted to talk about scientific things.” 

“Please tell me you did not leave the mole for your damn conversation about deer. Don’t.” 

“Then I won’t tell you shit. Just let me have my shift back.” 

Bruce comes back to the weekday shift. Thor decides to take his husband out to lunch and sweep him up into a hug. 

“Never volunteer again. Ever.” 

“I didn’t volunteer, Tony opted out. I missed you too, babe.” 

“Now that you guys are being disgusting and I think it’s over, I want to take this opportunity to announce that I got published,” Clint says. 

“What? No you didn’t,” Bucky says. “You don’t even do any research! Did you write your crime novel?” 

“No, I gave up on that because I can’t spell handkerchief.” 

“You used it that much?” 

“Yes, it was important to the plot. But anyway, Bruce kept talking about deer and about our theory about greed and hubris so I published the paper.” 

“Who published it?” Bruce demands. 

“Um, I don’t know? I just know that it’s apparently ‘wildly new’ among ecologists.” 

“This doesn’t sound right, but I don’t know enough about scientific publishing to prove it,” Bucky says. “Congrats, Clint? I guess?” 

Bruce grins. 

He’s happy to be home.  

Even if he just learned that they have to deal with some FBI chump about inspections. But that’s okay. 

#b99 au #ANYWAYS. AMAZING. #lovelyirony writes #yes i will fucking roast reed richards within an inch of my life #fantastic four #avengers #bruce banner #thorbruce #thor #give thor his husband back!!!!! #also yes clint can't spell handkerchief i had to look it up for this