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haileyyanneupton · 3 years

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❄ small - one chicago au ❄

Hailey Upton and Adam Ruzek have been friends for as long as they can remember. When Hailey changes schools to be with Adam in her junior year, she’s introduced to a new group of people who feel strangely like home.

pairings: jay halstead x hailey upton adam ruzek x kim burgess kevin atwater x vanessa rojas kelly severide x stella kidd

warnings (chapter specific): mention of domestic abuse, implication of alcoholism

masterlist | series masterlist

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❄ six ❄

Standing in the kitchen of the Ruzek's home early the next morning, Hailey was standing over a pot of oil as she cooked for the picnic she was set to go on with Jay in just a few hours. She had originally planned to make the greek dessert with her mother — after all, she had been the one to teach Hailey — but after the events of the previous afternoon and having the knowledge that her father was probably about to start drinking again once he got home, she had decided that going over to her best friend's house early was her best bet.

"Piss off, Adam," Hailey barked at her best friend, half joking as he tried to pinch one of the piping hot loukoumades. "You're like a seagull, I swear."

"They just look so good, Hailey! I can't help myself!"

"If your impatient ass would wait ten more minutes, they'll be ready with the nutella drizzle and everything."

"But that's so long!"

Hailey rolled her eyes, pulling the bowl away from the boy slightly to make a point. "Sometimes I forget that you possess the mental age of a toddler."

Adam only scrunched his face up cheekily before swiping yet another one of the round, golden donuts, ducking in an attempt to narrowly avoid Hailey's frustrated swat. Secretly, she didn't mind as much as she let on — after all, she had made the dessert enough times to know this would happen — though it wouldn't stop her from scolding the boy regardless.

It was earlier than Hailey would normally be up and out of bed on a Saturday morning , but with her plans being to bring loukoumades to the picnic she was going on later that morning, she knew she was going to have to make them fresh for them to taste their best. Adam wasn't one to be up any earlier than midday either; apparently the smell had been a great motivator as he fell into the chair across on the other side of the kitchen island. With it being only 8:30am, it was no surprise to either of the teenagers when the sound of Adam's father coming home from yet another night shift echoed through the otherwise (relatively) quiet home.

"Ooh!" Bob's voice could be heard from the front foyer as the his keys jingled against the door at being hung up. "Hailey, are you cooking?"

Hailey couldn't help but giggle slightly at the fact that he knew that it was her right away.

"Yeah, I'm making loukoumades!"

"She's making loukoumades and won't let me have any!"

"Excuse me!? I told you I was making extras for you, but Mr Impatient over here decided he couldn't wait a few minutes and was just going to start stealing them instead!"

"I did not steal them! It's only stealing if you see me do it!"

"First of all, that's not how that works and second of all? I fucking did see you!"

"No you didn't."

"Yes, I did!"

"Nah. I couldn't see you, so you couldn't see me. That's the rules."

"Remind me how you couldn't see me? I'm right in front of you!"

"I closed my eyes."

Hailey rolled her eyes in playful annoyance as Bob finally entered her view, the man baring a small smirk as he listened to the two teenagers bicker lightly.

The man shrugged off his Chicago Police Department jacket, draping it over the arm of the couch (something he would definitely be hearing about later from his wife) before making his way over to the kitchen island and standing beside his son.

"What's the special occasion, Hails?" Bob asked, gesturing towards the mini mountain of donuts she had made. "Not that you need one, but — still."

Before the girl even got the chance to respond, Adam's mouth had opened and spewed out a response almost instantaneously.

"Hailey's going on a date."

"I am not going on a date," the girl huffed, quietly flipping off Adam as she pulled her attention to the man who had originally posed the question.

"My friend Jay asked me if I would go with him on a picnic that he's only being dragged on because his brother wanted to go on a date with his girlfriend, and he didn't want to third wheel. Their mom would only let Will go if Jay went too, so he figured that if he asked me we could enjoy some nice food as well as work on our Lit assignment."

"In other words, it's a date." Adam yet again had to duck to avoid Hailey's backhand as he grinned mischievously.

"Shut up and call Kim or something, make more kissy faces and heart eyes at each other — I don't care."

The boy quickly pursed his lips shut as his face reddened, shooting Hailey a glare over at her. However, he didn't stay quiet for long; as soon as Hailey dumped out the last of the loukoumades that had finished frying into the bowl, the boy immediately reaching for one and subsequently earning himself a nice burn on two of his fingers. Dropping it back into the bowl, Hailey watched with a half-amused-half-concerned expression as she sighed deeply before grabbing a cup, filling it with ice from the fridge and wordlessly handing it to the boy who dipped his fingers into it.

"I don't want to say karma, but — it's a bitch, isn't it?"

Adam only flipped Hailey off with his non-burnt middle finger as the girl glanced up at Bob with a mischievous yet exasperated smirk, the man making his way around the kitchen island to be on the same side as Hailey. While Hailey readied the syrups, she watched the man's every movement, carefully examining his facial expression as she tried to quietly read him. He had his serious face on; Hailey wasn't sure she liked it too much.

"He give you or your mother any trouble this morning?" Bob asked the blonde haired girl gently, his eyes scanning Hailey's blue ones on the off chance that she was about to lie.

"I left before he got home."

Bob only nodded lightly; he had expected as much. "I made sure he was sober before he went home, Hailey. He could have driven had he had a car that wasn't in the impound lot currently. He'll get it back this afternoon, but for now — he can taxi his way around."

Hailey didn't say anything, instead opting to sigh lightly to herself as she glanced down at her feet. She knew it wasn't his fault, that he was only looking out for her, but she hated that her relatively good mood had been dampened by the mention of her pathetic excuse for a father. She missed the days when she could somehow separate the times she'd climb on his back while he pretended to be whatever she wanted him to be from the man that would terrorise the whole family to the point where Hailey would hide in her closet, sobbing. Now as she got older, all she could see was a manipulative monster.

"You need a ride, Hails?" Bob could see the drop in Hailey's mood, guilt bubbling up inside of him as he tried to rectify the situation. "I can take you to your friend's house if you need. Or you can take the car if you want."

"No thanks —" Hailey bought her eyes up to meet Bob's once more. "They're going to swing by here and pick me up on the way."

Bob nodded with a smile, glancing between her and Adam before gesturing towards the staircase around the corner as he bid goodnight to the two teenagers. Yes, the sun had barely come up, but working a double night shift often had the ability to tire out even the greatest insomniacs. Finishing off the last touches of her loukoumades before packing them into two separate containers — one to take with her and one for the Ruzek's (cough, Adam) to devour — Hailey headed around the other side of the kitchen island and took a seat beside her friend with a small smirk playing at her lips. She couldn't help but stifle a laugh at the fingers still dunked in a cup of ice, much to Adam's dismay to tried (and failed) to childishly kick her foot without slipping off of his own seat.

"You know, this morning has taught me a valuable lesson, Ruz."

Adam arched an eyebrow challengingly. "Is it that you're a coldhearted sadist?"

"No, but good job for using such big words!"

"I hate you."

"Fine, no loukoumades for you—"

"Wait, no! I take it back!"

"That's what I thought," Hailey smirked even more this time. "Anyway, what I was saying before I was so rudely interrupted — I've learned that if I want you up before midday, all I have to do is cook and you'll come running."

"And I learnt that all it takes to get you to cook my favourite food ever is to have you go on a date."

"It's not a date!"

"Is so!"

"Is not!"

"Uh huh!"

"Shut up before I tell Kim you like her."

In one swift movement, Adam reached into his cup of ice and pulled out a handful of the tiny ice cubes, dropping the cold blocks down the back of Hailey's shirt looking all too smug as the girl let out a disgruntled half-groan-half-squeal. Before anything else could be said, the sound of Hailey's phone buzzing indicated Jay's arrival as the girl slid off of her seat and flicked the back of Adam's head teasingly before calling out a goodbye and heading out the door.

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Hailey wasn't exactly sure where Jay's brother had taken them, but wherever it was, she didn't care. The view was gorgeous and Natalie, Will's girlfriend, had bought along an entire picnic blanket and an assortment of sandwiches which neither Hailey or Jay could say they were mad about.

"Oh my god, these are amazing!" Natalie grinned over at Hailey as she placed a golden greek donut into her mouth. "Did you make them?"

Hailey nodded bashfully. "Yeah, just this morning. Lucky there's any left — Adam was helping himself to his body weight in loukoumades."

Will and Jay laughed heartily, knowing exactly what Adam was like while Natalie only chuckled with a smile.

"What's the glaze you've got over it?"

"These ones are a pretty simple honey glaze —" Hailey gestured to the container on her left before moving to the one on her right. "And these one's are a nutella glaze. They're the only ones I know how to make. My mom knows how to make a bunch more — she’s like magic."

After the group had a bite to eat, it wasn't long before Will and Natalie left Hailey and Jay alone, the older couple giggling in a way that Hailey knew all too well as they headed down to the water's edge. Jay couldn't help but snort lightly to himself as his brother walked in the opposite direction; he seemed greatly amused by the whole situation.

"The fact he hasn't found a way to fuck this up yet is baffling, honestly," Jay started, piquing Hailey's interest. "He's a walking disaster, Hailey. I'm telling you."

"I'm sure he's not that bad. I mean, he seems like a nice guy." Hailey's defence landed upon deaf ears as Jay quickly unraveled her words.

"He's only got the best intensions, but — god — he's such an idiot." Jay sighed lightly, causing the blonde to chuckle as she reached for a sandwich.

On the few outings that Jay had taken her on, Hailey couldn't help but notice that Jay had impeccable taste in setting. Her quietly-chaotic nature paired well with his calm and secluded plans; she felt warm every time that she was near him. Though Adam was (and always would be) her best friend, she would be lying if she said she hadn't been enjoying her time with her literature partner.

"How do you find these places, Jay?" Hailey asked, one knee tucked comfortably into her chest as she glanced over at the dark haired boy. "They're almost — I don't know — ethereal? It feels like nobody can find us for miles, but not in the 'holy shit we're going to die' way. More like the 'this moment feels infinite' way."

Jay considered her words for a moment, his face screwed up in thought as he dissected each sound and syllable in a split second. For a second, Hailey had second guessed herself — had everything she had just said come out ineligibly?

"Sorry. Sometimes the words in my head don't translate to my mouth and everything comes out weird and —"

"No, it made sense." Jay held a finger up to shush Hailey, the boy still in thought. "It actually made perfect sense. But, answer me this, Miss Upton — why do places like this appeal to you so much? Is it the quiet, or the stillness, or. . .?"

To Hailey, the answer was simple.

"The escapism."

This piqued Jay's interest, the man tilting his head with curiosity. A small smile caused his lips to curl up simultaneously as he gestured for the girl to continue.

"There aren't a lot of things I can control. I can't control the people around me or what they do, and even though it's hard to accept sometimes, the only thing that makes it easier is escaping. Being somewhere where the world just — stops — for a minute or two . . . it tricks me into thinking I have more control than I actually do, and god knows I need that sometimes."

"I never took you to be the control freak type, you know," Jay joked lightheartedly. "Perfectionist, maybe. But not controlling."

Hailey sighed a little, her teeth sinking into her bottom lip. "Sometimes to keep your sanity you need to at least pretend the ground isn't crumbling around you."

Silence fell upon the two teenagers for a few seconds before Jay spoke up.

"For the record, if you ever need an escape in the form of a human being — I'm here."

"You know, I think I'd like that." Hailey smiled warmly at Jay, their eyes locked together. "I think I'd like that a lot."

By the time Will and Natalie came back, Hailey and Jay had their respective notebooks filled with little things about each other. After weeks of getting to know the brown haired boy, Hailey was finally ready to write her poem.

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a/n: i’m really sorry this isn’t very good but i’ve been working on it for ages and the formatting was being a bitch so aaaa. hope you enjoy anyway! :/

taglist: @ruzek-halstead @lissethsrojas @sammywiths @butterflies44 @upsteadheart @shawnscheeks @puckluck28 @karihighman @thetwit @azu1ang3188 @juu-series @justanotheronechicagofan @stinaax @stayupton @fullwattpadmusictree @anna-justice @thebookworm33

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blue-hi · 4 years

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i’ve been awake since 4:30 am and it’s 9:00 now so i need to get this out because it’s been months and i havent been able to spit the whole thing out and i need to SAY something so i think i’ll jst yell into the void so

thanks

ive had insomnia since at least mid october. cant really remember now when it started. i’d keep waking up in th emiddle of the night, always around 2 or 3 am and it would take ages to get back to sleep.

ive never been one for all nighters and i like getting a full night’s sleep and all of a sudden i wasn;t getting it and for no reason too. this scared me. it still scares me. i reached out to my mom for idk emotional support??? i didn’t want to be alone

“this happens to other people too” started out as a way to help but the way she said it sounded like she was dismissing me and what was happening. like it would all clear up soon so i had no reason to bother her

then the week before halloween almost all my classes assigned projects or had a test and they were all assigned at the same time at the end of the week and were all due at the same time on halloween. the saturday before halloween and after i got all the assignments i slept particularly awfully and i just broke down in th emiddle of the library. like all day and i couldn’t stop. that scared me even more bc if it happened once it can happen again

im terrified. that’s the core of the issue

that day my mom and aunt got me a plane ticket to fly home for the next weekend to see if being home would fix things. we even had a doctor’s appointment it didn’t fix anything. the doctor told me things i already knew but also decided i had generalized anxiety disorder and that was why i couldn;t sleep even though i wasn;t scared until after it started and i slept terribly that night again. i was hysterical. i still had no idea why i couldn’t sleep i shouldn’t have paced that loud in the hallway but yeah i wanted attention i felt alone. maybe it was selfish but i just wanted a hug and i knew then i was in for the long haul and i didn’t want to be afraid AND be alone but my mom just yelled at me (which she had the right to i was being not-great) and i felt i was burdening her. that’s when i realized she either can’t or won’t be there with me or both

i went to the counselor at my school and i just vented. not all of this but some of it and i had other problems at the time like my major and some classes but those had all worked themselves out by the end of november i also went to the health center and got a little bottle of this drug called hydroxyzine and that started helping a little bit. i was taking tylenol pm every night before that and apparently this was something stronger

then thanksgiving rolled around and i was still having some issues. one thing i remember most vividly is twin and i were going to drive to our dad’s house for the day. normally i drive but i handed the keys to twin because i hadn’t slept well and didn’t feel like driving. my mom noticed and asked why i didn’t want to drive and i SHOULD have lied and said that i wanted twin to practice but i told he truth and said i felt too tired to drive and she rolled her eyes at me later in the break one morning she asked me how i slept again and i said poorly and i was still half asleep but i swear she scoffed

then i knew i REALLY couldn;t expect her to help me. not even with the sleeping but just with support.

i went back to the school counselor (different person though) and! my mom still doesn’t know about that visit. she doesn;t know that counselor said that insomnia sometimes predates depression symptoms. should i tell her that? that’s also terrifying. i managed to get out of high school without really any mental illness issues so i;m a lucky one but that’s what i’m scared about going forward

i feel like it’s not as serious as it feels and that no i don’t have anxiety and no i don’t have depression (yet) and that i should just suck it up until i do but also i can have emotions because i;m a fucking person and ‘m allowed to tell people about them without feeling like a burden or a fake bc god forbid i have a single negative emotion in front of someone. i’ve always been a “good girl low maintenance child” and FUCK that

weirdly i started to sleep well during finals week and these past 2 weeks on break too but i think that’s because the hydroxyzine started to kick in. except oops now my supply is low and i have about a week or two left until i completely run out and the little bottle says NO REFILLS LEFT so i have to figure out how to get more for the semester last night i tried to go to bed without taking one to see if i’ve gotten any better. news flash nothing’s changed without it and now everything that had gone away in the last 3 weeks all the anxiety and hopelessness and tiredness and terror all came back last night and right now i feel like i;m back in the library again bc i can’t stop crying

what if i can’t get more before the semester starts?? if i’m like this during break what’ll happen when i have to stress again?

i came downstairs at 8 to do organic chemistry on khan academy because if i can’t sleep then i might as well do something productive. mom came down to get ready for work and she saw me and asked me if i was upset about not sleeping again

i was an idiot and said yeah - that’s what i hate too. i want to be honest about mental health with people and how i’m doing but to stop this i need to lie to her. now i’ll always be fine! and she never has to know if i;m in a bad way just as she likes it and i feel a w f u l about it. it makes be feel petty and petulant but i’m non confrontational. i want to tell her everything i;ve written here and just be so honest she has to listen to me instead of dismissing me every time but every time she asks i clam up and i failed again this morning she accused me of wanting to feel scared because “i hadn’t tried everything yet”. she and family members for christmas sent me some things that are supposed to help like a light developed by insomniacs or a winter light and i really do appreciate all of it, but they all came when the medicine was working so i didn’t NEED it. last night was different because i am a scientist and am my own guinea pig and i wanted to see what would happen if i didn’t take the drugs. i’ll use all of that tonight in Phase 2 of the Worst Experiment Ever but she wouldn’t LISTEN to me when i said that either.

now i’ll just say nothing. why should she know it’s only caused both of us stress. i wish she would take this (insomnia! depression!! mental health woo!) as seriously as she took my acne when i was 12. still now if i have a zit she feels entitled to touch my face. do you wanna know how you can help??? stay away from me and don’t wonder why i kind of want to tell her. she’s coming back home in a couple of hours bc it’s new year’s eve and i might still be in a state who knows but i’ll choke again and she’ll yell at me again and nothing will have changed

people have asked me how my semester went and “it’s been a shitty one,” i wanna say but normally i just say that i’m glad it’s over only for my parents to swoop in and say “it can’t have been all that bad i mean you did well with your grades in the end” like !! i pulled that B in physics out of my ass! just because i did ok academically because i’m lucky and good at school doesn’t mean my health was great! my dad can’t help me either because i’ll say that my mental health recently isn’t as good as it could be and he just goes “aww sweetie.” and that’s it. nothing else. thanks dad. i know you don’t know what to do with that information and i don’t fault you for that because emotions have never taken precedence in either household (except for all the curse words i learned from my mom when she’s inconvenienced)

all of this and i still don’t know why i can’t sleep normally

thanks for reading this fkn novel all of this has been on my chest for a LONG time and i haven’t had the chance to say any of it and if i get the chance i’m afraid i’ll forget something (i probably did here, too). i truly mean thank you. this has been cathartic to write, even though i still need to go to a counselor or something. i hope your new year (and decade!) is bright

#i don't know what else to say or do

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athena1138 · 4 years

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*every day i’m wigglin* thanks for the tag @incognito-insomniac <3 <3 <3

1. Do you ever make your bed?

No. Making your bed right after waking up is unsanitary because it keeps moisture locked in your sheets. Also, I’m real fuckin lazy

2. What’s your favourite number?

5 and multiples of

3. What’s your job?

(Fucking “experimental flight test engineer,” som? I’ve never in my life heard a cooler fucking job title holy fucking shit.) I’m a resident assistant at an assisted living facility. So. I make sure old people take their meds and get fucking haunted at night.

4. If you could go back to school, would you?

Fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck no. Maybe if I could just. Go and sit and learn. But I don’t fuck with homework or tests or essays or group projects or speeches or presentations anymore. I barely scraped by as it was. But, discussion? Alright. I really enjoyed discussion most days.

5. Can you parallel park?

Sweetie, not only I can parallel park a car, I can parallel park a SCHOOL BUS. Like. I could parallel park my bus before I could back up in a straight line. That’s not a joke, that’s an actual ass fact that blew my trainer’s mind every single day.

6. A job you had that would surprise people

Bus driver on my college campus. Nobody ever expects young people to be bus drivers. We’re all supposed to be fat and old and crochety.

7. Do you believe aliens are real?

It’s presumptuous and ignorant to think we’re alone here.

8. Can you drive a manual car?

In theory. I understand the how, I’ve just never had occasion to try.

9. What’s your guilty pleasure?

I still have Twilight marathons. Like a lot.

10. Tattoos?

4 with 5 more planned and ready to go as soon as I get the money. I’ve got 3 which are going to be a chain of memorials for people I’ve lost in my life (my dad will be an Enterprise with a computer power button along the saucer section and it’ll say “ncc-2010″ because that’s the year he died, my papaw’s will be beethoven wearing an aviator’s helmet because he liked beethoven and he flew planes and along the helmet it’ll say 2016, and then for my dog it’s gonna be a collar with a heart tag that says 2020,) and one is going to be a pin-up Ursula on my blank bicep, and then an octopus hugging me from the back and its tentacles are going to wrap around to my front. The last one is iffy because 1, it’s gonna hurt like a mother fucker, and 2, it’s a lot of area it’ll be taking up, and 3, i thought of it while very very drunk.

11. Favourite colour?

Teal and mulberry

12. Things that people do that piss you off?

A lot of things. It’d be easier for me to list what doesn’t piss me off frankly.

13. Any phobias?

Ghosts, spiders, water I can’t see through, swimming in video games, fire, closets (specifically closets,) tight spaces, crowds, heights, it’s a very long list.

14. Favourite childhood sport?

I played softball for half a season. But, I loved tennis, 99% because of Prince of Tennis. It’s one of the only 7 sports which I understand even to this day. (One of those sports is quidditch.)

15. Do you ever talk to yourself?

All the time. The other day, I was arguing with myself over what to watch and I actually go so annoyed that I stopped talking to myself and just played my game for like 3 hours.

16. What movie do you adore?

Star Trek 4, Howl’s Moving Castle, all the LOTR, Pride and Prejudice, Joy Luck Club, Corpse Bride, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2: The Secret of the Ooze, Pan’s Labyrinth, Princess and the Frog, it’s also a long list.

17. Do you like doing puzzles?

Yes

18. What’s your favourite kind of music?

Pop that has rap parts in it

19. Tea or coffee?

Coffee for daily, tea for special occasions

20. First thing you remember wanting to be when you grow up?

“A pink ninja nurse in space” as per my kindergarten memory folder.

@gaymingbinosaur

#shut up becca #about becca #i just woke up so i'm a little weird right now i'm sorry

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goodguidanceptc · 5 years

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Ironman New Zealand Race Report March 2, 2019

Welcome masochists and insomniacs. When people ask me about my races, I usually try to deliver a balance of facts (split times, data, total race time) and feelings (mind & body perceptions, key moments) in an entertaining yet succinct report. As usual, that often means STRONG LANGUAGE. Here goes:

Prologue:

A few weeks prior to the trip, I learned that I’d been selected for the “Ironman New Zealand Experience,” an online contest, administered with typical Kiwi approach by the local council. Read: relaxed, with ZERO Ironman lawyers involved. Six men and six women were selected--based on online posts--to learn a haka, perform at the athlete dinner and attend an after-race luncheon that included a presentation and performance of Maori history and traditions.

I suspect my "pick me! pick me!” post got me plucked from a small applicant pool. Supporting evidence: of the twelve selected, two others were my training buddies from Chicago, Christine B. and Bernie Mc. SIDE NOTE: Each winner was allowed one additional guest at the luncheon--so a very special thanks to Christine for graciously counting my wife as her guest which meant I had both my wife and son at the luncheon.

Haka is Maori for “breathe fire.” Historically, hakas were performed by Maori warriors prior to battle. These days they are performed ceremonially to celebrate major milestones (marriage, retirement), honor important guests or--perhaps most notably--to intimidate opponents at athletic events (here’s a link). Outside of New Zealand, the most famous and awe-inspiring hakas are performed my the Maori All-Blacks National Rugby team prior to each match.

I learned that there are hundreds of haka versions, each with its own inherent weight baked into the story it’s presenting. Although it was very different than the aggressive, male-only, pre-battle version the All-Blacks perform, I personally felt a tremendous honor and reverence for the one we learned.

The haka preserves indigenous culture, energetically injects traditional language into a modern forum, gathers and channels group energy by seamlessly melding ritual gesture and movement with raw emotion. It all adds up to a sum greater than it’s parts that’s simultaneously respectful and rebellious. Taken as a whole, the haka is something like how the Incredible Hulk would dance if the Incredible Hulk danced.

All of which is just to say that before I even started the race, I’d already experienced that tremendous joy that comes with receiving an unexpectedly perfect gift. IMNZ was already a success before the race even started. Now, let’s get back to facts...

Total race time = 11:33

Not a PR, but a mature result. “Mature?” you may be wondering, “Really?” Granted, few people would describe anything I do as mature, so perhaps a better word is un-deluded. Why? Because plantar fasciitis made for a “No-Run November” (all long runs performed in a pool), I hadn’t done enough resistance training, and winter holidays not only make it impossible to train, they make it nearly impossible to fuel properly.

In his book, Elite Minds, Dr. Stanley Beecham suggests giving yourself a W when you trained your best and an L if you didn’t. My record for this training sequence (Nov-Feb) was 89-20-11. ( I gave myself T for Ties on days when training went right but something else went bad...usually diet.) In other words, a respectable-but-not-stellar W average (.741) earned a respectable-but-not-stellar result.

But still, the haka was awesome.

Pre-Race

Slept well. Ate well. No mechanical issues. Huddled briefly with most of the training buddies and Iron sherpas prior to warming up properly in the water.

Swim (1:06 total swim time)

Clear sighting, aggressive line, good tactics (drafted when possible), and even got some help from the current towards the end. That said, the two turn buoys at the far end were both a raucous scrum. First time I ever took a hard shot to the lip. My best swim ever.

T1 (7:49)

"T1 is a 400 meter run from the swim out...” My ass. If that’s 400 meters, I’m Leslie Jones from SNL. Plus, AFTER the “400 meters,” a winding grass staircase comparable to any third-floor-walk-up or Wisconsin helix--easily another +50 meters at an +8% grade.

Once I did get up Mount Metric Bullshit, I moved right along. Sprayed on some sunscreen, stuffed a plastic bag under the regular bike jersey with some light gloves (in case it was nippy for the first hour), shoes on in the tent. Go.

Bike (5:38, technically a bike PR)

Two loops. Windy? A tad. The outbound tailwind was so strong, I struggled to maintain target watts. Get that? I didn’t have to pedal as hard as I’d trained to because I was easily traveling +20 mph on flat sections. Ditched the plastic bag and gloves at the first aid station because it was sunny and mild and I was feeling really great. Of course, logic dictates that inbound would be a shitstorm. Which it was. Oy. Mixed with some crosswinds too just in case you, oh I dunno...tried to pee on the bike and took too long...or wanted to take in some nutrition. Nasty. I caught myself using a bastardized mantra from IMAZ, “Frontside fast side, backside strong side” which morphed into “Out bound, throw down; In bound, get down.” whenever I was tempted to chase or draft.

A word on drafting: it’s illegal in Ironman races. BUT! By slipping into the draft zone of somebody passing faster than you are passing then letting them go, you can save energy and still stay within the letter and spirit of the rule. That said, 12 meters = 6ish bike lengths so don’t be the fucko that lingers.

Repeated that song and dance inbound on both loops. It’s a terrible thing when you can’t stay in aero-position because you gotta pee but can’t pee because the wind stuffs any momentum you need to keep your leg straight long enough to break the seal. But it WILL keep you legal.

For you data geeks: Normalized Power was 197 but I AVERAGED 20 m.p.h.

Another notable: the bone-shaking chip-seal they use to pave most New Zealand roads. It just rattled my whole rig from pedals to fingertips to helmet. That shit literally rattled my Torpedo bottle right out from between my aero-bars about halfway through. I’d already taken in the nutrition so I left it (apologies to all the Tidy Kiwis and the whole leave-it-like-you-found-it philosophy) and just held fresh bottles in with my thumbs as needed.

T2 (4:13)

Efficient but could have been a tad quicker. At this point in the race, I was on plan, feeling good and ready to attack the run. Nutrition was on point. Legs were solid, stomach was a non-issue and weather conditions were near ideal. Sunny and delightful low 70s. I was actually looking forward to Run Special Needs where I’d planted a fresh shirt and an extra bottle of nutrition.

Run (4:36 aka: avg 10:39/mi)

I went sub-4 hours in Louisville under raining mid-40 degree conditions. If I could have just matched that, I’d have delivered a juicy PR of under 11 hours.

It seemed reasonable that flat IM-LOU shitstorm would vaguely equate to hilly IM-NZ sunny delight, yes?

No.

That three loop run over what my training bro Andrew T. would call offensive hills was having none of that nonsense. Turns out, I was woefully undertrained. My legs were just not up to the second and third loop of hills, despite biking to plan, executing nutrition properly, and taking the first loop at a very easy RPE.

In past reports I’ve shared some of the actual mental chatter that runs through my head but in this case none of my mantras were very interesting or helpful. What I have learned to do when I’m truly falling apart is to reinvest in technique. Focus on the extremely immediate present, which I used to counter punch one particularly angry and persistent neg that I just couldn’t shake. See if you can pick it out of the following scientifically gathered brainwave transcription:

...chatter-chatter-chatter...BREATHE...left-right-left-right-Toe-off-knees-up-hands-up-lean-easy-at-the-ankles-glutes-tucked-somebody-fucking-LIED-to-me-goddamBREATHE!-Toe-off-knees-up-hands-up-lean-easy-at-the-ankles-glutes-tucked-somebody-fucking-LIED-to-me-goddamnit-Toe-off-left-right-left...chatter-chatter-chatter...BREATHE

On a slightly more-vulnerable note, I will share this: typically, a few tears leak out at special needs. Hormones? Pain? Mental breakdown/relief that the marathon is half over? All of the above, probably. Just a few moments of a grown man losing it. (Do NOT watch Ricky Gervais’ After Life while jet lagged. But DO watch it. Amazing. Shut up. Don’t judge my process.)

Anyway, I was all business during the Special Needs of this run but lost it right after a particularly steep descend where some guardian bros had set up an “unofficial aid station” consisting of Red Bull, handles of vodka, and liters of Jaegermeister. A runner just ahead of me had grabbed something off their card table and their robust cheering were suddenly horrific screams warning him off of chugging it. I was just tickled and toasted at the same time and it all came gushing out. Just all kinds of quads burning gasping ugly face craughing (learned that word from a tweet praising After Life, btw). Of course my male ego would NEVER allow me to overly express vulnerability in front of the drunken bros, thoughtful though they were. So I kept running. A woman running along side me kindly asked if I was okay, I said, “Oh...yeah...this...just happens,” between gulping breaths, “The good...news...is...it’s much...later...than usual.” Which cracked her up, so... y’know, pay it forward.

After slogging my way through the third loop, and making my way through the finishing chute, where the normally incomparable Mike Reilly butchered my last name, I was told that I’d been on the leaderboard during the bike and immediately fell off during the run.

So even though I did not over-bike, I did under-train. Plus, I did not need to go directly to Medical in shock, which suggests that my race plan, nutrition strategy and execution was pretty spot on. IMAZ was a PR of 11:19 and IMNZ was 11:33.

OVERALL RACE GRADE: C. Just a C.

OVERALL EXPERIENCE GRADE: A+

As with prior races, IMNZ yielded some incremental improvements. As I said at the top, this was a mature result, with which I am unsatisfied. I haven't yet done my best race. I haven’t yet DONE MY BEST. There is clearly opportunity for improvements to all five aspects of my racing:

Swim was well executed. Still room for growth.

Bike was properly executed. Adequate. If anything, I could have pushed more.

Run. Ugh. Time to throw myself into Runner’s World and CARA and make like Forrest Gump and Prefontaine and Mo. Also, back to Hokas. Or maybe Altras. The Brooks I ran in were farts. The blisters on my toes had blisters. Not kidding.

Fuel strategy and execution was on point, although I was a few kilos heavier than previous races. Holidays and too few resistance training sessions.

Transitions were adequate.

Am I one of the guys at the pointy end of the bell curve? Clearly still yes. Maybe I’ve just evolved beyond a standard group training plan. Self-Coach? I’ve got the credentials and experience. Back to a previous coach? Maybe a new coach? I’d take some applications. Yes.

In the meantime, I’ll see you in Chattanooga for some 70.3 action in May, 2019. That’s only two build cycles. Ima go noodle around in TrainingPeaks.

WAIT. HERE’S THE BERNIE STORY...

Bernie McNally is one of those people I am just glad to have in my life. This race report would be wholly inadequate if I didn't share how this amazing woman is absolutely unstoppable.

First, she got everybody who trained for New Zealand (at Well-Fit) a fleece.

I forgot to mention she broke her ribs in a bike accident a few months ago.

Then, in what can only be described as the luck of the Irish, she charmed her way into the “New Zealand Experience” haka class. Just showed up and got in. Turns out one of the women selected didn’t show up. Classic.

Here’s the unstoppable part: at around Mile 110 of the New Zealand Full fucking Ironman race, she hit a cone and went over her bike handle bars. Road rash up her arm, split her knee open and cracked her head/helmet on a curb. A bystander said, “Do you need some help? I’m calling an ambulance.”

Her reply?

“Just help me get my chain back on.”

So he did. And she finished the bike. The medics in T2 told her she needed stitches. She said she didn’t have time, to just patch her up so she could get on with it. She finished the race with half an hour to spare. Words fail.

All I know is this: whenever I’m feeling like I can’t get it done--and it can be anything from driving in traffic to folding laundry to a holding pace on a long run--I know exactly what I’ll hear.

A thick, sassy, Irish brogue doing the haka.

WITH GRATITUDE FOR…

I’m very grateful to my lovely wife Susan and my wonderful kids, Peter and Veronica for their support. Susan, you are my salvation.

I’m grateful to have the expert professionals Coach Russ and Coach Sharone and the entire Well-Fit staff and athletes who generously share their wisdom.

I’m grateful to my inspiring and impressive training partners. Especially the seven hardcore savages that got it done in New Zealand--Adam, Christine, Dan, Kelly, Megan, Mike, Will and Bernie.

I’m very grateful to anybody willing to excuse my terrible smell, deplorable language and barbaric sounds during training.

Maximum gratitude to Well-Fit, Get-A-Grip, Fleet Feet and all the pools I use.

I’m grateful for Crushing Iron (C26), Matt Fitzgerald, Joe Friel, Training Peaks, Scott brand bikes, Apple, Ironman.

Thank you to all the on-course maniacs cheering and making signs and wearing all sorts of crazy outfits to show love and support. For strangers exercising.

I’m grateful that I’m able to race triathlons. I’m grateful to you for reading.

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ruined-rp · 5 years

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Hello Sarah and welcome to New Orleans, the city of The Damned. Thank you so much for applying, you have been successful for the role of Cora Hale. Welcome to the family, but for now it’s time to get down to business…

Head on over to the New Member Checklist, careful not to go down any dark alleys, it’s not safe here.

OUT OF CHARACTER:

Name: Sarah

Pronouns: She/her. I answer to most things.

Age:25+

Timezone/Country:GMT/ England

Triggers: RFP

Activity Level: I would say 8. I usually check in every day and will do replies within 2 days. The only time I will be less is if something has happened ooc and then I will let the admin know.

How Did You Hear About Us: Well this beautiful little birdie told me……

Anything Else?: Nope nope…unless there’s another hidden code word somewhere that my brain has inconveniently passed over.

DESIRED CHARACTER:

Desired Character: Cora Hale

Why This Character?: These types of characters have always appealed to me and I seem to be able to fit into this kind of role. I know I will bring out the obvious traits to her character, but I hope to show the insecurities she does possess and the many internal conflicts she has going on. Cora is a person who never stays defeated, no matter what life throws at her. This doesn’t mean she is of bubbly personality though; she is deep, harsh to strangers and most probably comes across as a girl with a bad attitude at times. When really, it’s because she is afraid of letting anyone close and isn’t very trusting at all. Anger does take a hold of her quite often; it is an emotion that more than likely covers any other feelings. She clings to anger and knows how to portray it easily. I love playing characters which have different facets to their personality and depending who she interacts with–depends on who gets to see a different side to her. As she has grown older however, I do feel that she does take her role in the pack very seriously and has started to let certain people close to her over the years. This does not mean that this is an easy task to do and more often than not her sarcasm will show through–one trait that has never left her.

Any FC Changes?:[Only applicable to Ruined RP OC’s]

Ships/Anti-ships: To be honest, I really don’t go with ships unless they have been written out and developed along the way. Of course if I take a charrie and they have a pre-made one then I won’t go against it. I just feel that ships should be developed through writing together and seeing if the chemistry is there.

Headcanons:

Cora is a junk-food freak. Healthy options just do not interest her and she doesn’t feel the need to eat the proper food because it’s of no detriment to her health if she doesn’t. She will be quite blunt in saying so too if someone even comments on her eating habits. She doesn’t really cook unless she has to either, but that’s more because she dislikes doing it, but is able to do so if she really had to.

She has always suffered from nightmares, even as a child. It doesn’t matter how many years have gone by, how many different scenario’s her mind has thought up to torment her whilst she sleeps, Cora still suffers from them, she has just learned to adapt and get better at hiding them. She doesn’t really open up and tell people simply because she feels after over a couple of centuries then she should really be able to overcome them. Trouble is, you are only really in control of your mind whilst awake, and your subconscious comes out to play when slumber takes over.

Cora likes nothing better than to run every single day. It helps to clear her head and to de-stress from anything that might be bothering her. Though what she does enjoy even better is to spar and train. If someone offers to spar with her, even if they are clearly a better fighter, she will never turn them down. She has no problem throwing punches, ducking punches and landing on her ass, though she does prefer to land others on their ass instead.

Please Provide At Least One

A moodboard I made myself.

https://insomniac-angel.tumblr.com/post/186636437023/moodboard-for-cora-hale

CHARACTER QUESTIONNAIRE:

How Does Your Character Feel About The Peace Treaty?: Cora has always had her own opinion on the peace treaty. It is hard to put your faith and trust in something when you have placed it elsewhere in the past and been burnt for it. However, if it means for the present time her pack–her family are safe then she will abide by it, perhaps grudgingly at times, but she will still do it. After all, there are unlikely allies around who she never thought would be on the same side of the fence, so maybe it isn’t a bad thing. Don’t be fooled though, Cora is waiting and prepared for that day when everything falls apart and betrayal hits the heart of the community. She is ready to fight for her pack–ready to die for them, but the latter will only happen when she has created holy hell herself and her fight ends when the last breath has left her body.

Slice of Life:Cora has always felt more at home when she is outdoors. So she likes to spend a lot of time in the woods, somewhere she can be alone with her thoughts and she loves running, so that is how she starts her day. She can be seen around the quarter though, quite the observant one she is–always taking note of conversations and what is happening around her. She isn’t ashamed at all about using her supernatural senses to listen in on what people are talking about. If it means she can gain Intel or anything which would be beneficial to her pack then so be it. Anything which will help keep those she cares about safe has to be a bonus, right? So her day would be basically waking up really early and perhaps before others are awake. She would use the bayou and woods to run and it wouldn’t just be a half hour jog, it would be a good couple of hours. After that she would spend a little time with any pack member, before casually drifting off on her own and heading towards the French quarter. She likes the market and hangs around outside of the Café du Monde often. She is interested in all the old antique stalls which sell things that can’t be found elsewhere. Lafayette cemetery is another location where the youngest Hale weirdly enough, finds peaceful and just walking around there to her is as normal as someone taking a stroll in the park.

What is Your Character’s Greatest Fear? How Does This Affect Your Character?:Losing her brother. It terrifies her, entwines itself around her mind like poison ivy and infests her dreams, turning them into nightmares. Though her pack are like family too and losing a member would be like losing a limb. Loss is her biggest fear because there was a time when she thought she wouldn’t be able to come back from it. So any little shred of happiness that can be found for her brother, she’d want him to take it. It does affect her even though she wouldn’t care to admit it. It makes her much more guarded and suspicious, though that has an upside too because this can make her protective to keep safe those she cares about. It can mean she is much harsher to others though, sometimes when they don’t really deserve it.

SAMPLE: RFP

#RuinedAccepted #Cora Hale #Accepted

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