the-noirrevelation

[the-noirrevelation]

i’ve been thinking a lot about the term “perfect victim.” i know i was not a perfect victim. i got snippy, i got mad. i said things to my abuser and about my abuser because i was mad.

people didn’t believe me because of the fact that i fought back. never mind the fact that she was downright awful to me for most of our friendship. the constant manipulation and getting mad at me for no reason.

i look at how she’s gotten everyone to mock me and it’s just. it sucks so much. i’m so close to moving on with my life because i realize i never have to see them again, and unless she wants to drag me back by causing some storm of a problem i will never have to think of her again. sometimes i do, and i think of her friends, and i think of how they would react to seeing me or speaking with me, and it disturbs me. they have no idea what i’ve been through with her and they don’t know how much she lies.

#it was this experience that helped me realize amber heard was innocent #personal #vent post #abusive friendship #toxic frienship

[the-noirrevelation]

i love when someone i once cared about mocks my appearance. you have no right to do that when you look the way you do.

i love when people think i was upset for longer than a day after we broke up. they don’t know how much you made me feel bad about myself. they don’t know how much i let you get away with. we weren’t dating i was just there.

i love how my abuser still gets away with talking about me and my friends in public. i hate her more and more everyday. she won’t let me escape. i can’t get away. she wants to be left alone and she wants a confrontation when all me and my friends want is for her to forget about us. to leave US alone. she never will. we were right about her. i wish i never gave her a second chance.

#personal #vent post #abusive friendship #neglectful relationship #emotional neglect #toxic frienship #toxic relationship

[the-noirrevelation]

i can see some of my old content on their blog. it makes me think of the good times. it makes me question myself.

#personal #vent post #im low key sad rn but i’ll get over it

[the-noirrevelation]

going back and reading old messages from you sucks. i don’t miss you. i couldn’t especially after you showed me you really didn’t care about what you did to me.

you didn’t do anything wrong, did you?

but i did miss you at some point, and that’s the sad part. you make me question if i truly was the bad one in our friendship, if you truly did nothing wrong and i was overreacting.

every time i called your behavior out and tried to get away i was blamed. when you abused my ex boyfriend who was also a close friend and i found out i was blamed because “i didn’t get your side of the story.” that wasn’t even the reason i wanted to stop being friends in the first place.

your side of the story doesn’t deserve to be told.

i came to you in a place of vulnerability after you guilted your way back into my life, because i tried to be the better person and apologize. i always did. when we were friends i was constantly apologizing over shit you insisted happened and things i’d apologized for over. and over. and over. and over again. i came to you in a place of vulnerability when most of my friends had left the state. you had friends, a group of them, that i had hung out with once or twice. you let me in, and i’m still grateful for that…

you used them to control me.

and when i found out you had used my mental health as a way to turn them against me, i lost almost every single new friend i made through you. except for one. the one who was brave enough to tell me what you did. you lied about him too. you lied about him to me and told me not to tell anyone. truly fuck you for that. he listened to you and STILL wanted to hear what i had to say. that never happened before.

i write about you in my journals. i think about how often you took advantage of me. i bought you things, i tried to put together a plan to get you out of your own abusive household, i let you hang out with my underaged brother because i knew you were lonely too. i didn’t give you permission to start crushing on him. he was twelve. i didn’t get you things to make you like me more. you tried to get between me and my mom who saw you for who you were.

a monster.

i let you into my friend groups, all of them you took advantage of too and whined to me that they weren’t really your friends. i was constantly playing devils advocate for you and for them and trying to make sure we were all getting along. you wore me out, yet i always came back. you had me trained, making me think you needed me and you wanted me around. after my best friend and you broke up i became your punching bag.

you never had to lay a hand on me for this kind of damage. you made me miserable. i hope you feel just as bad but i know you don’t. you don’t know how i cried when i found out what you did, how i saw you as a sibling and i loved you so deeply, despite how much you wore me down. now i hate being online knowing you’re here too. all of my spaces that you eventually ended up on. it’s amazing how that happened and maybe part of that was my fault cause i liked having you around most of the time and in the loop. i hate it here cause i feel like you’re everywhere.

i hope everyone else sees you for what you are and get away from you.

#personal #rant post #vent blog #vent post #ex friends #toxic frienship #13 years down the drain #abusive friendship