theheadoforpheus

[theheadoforpheus]

There’s a part of me that hesitates to write anything about the rejection here at all. Oftentimes when I’ve tried to reach out to my support system to talk about it, they’ve told me that they don’t want to hear it. My mom in particular: whenever I tried to talk to her about P, she either immediately passed negative judgement on how she felt about the situation - “oh, i never liked him” (and not realizing that would make me feel embarrassed for still liking him anyway) - or told me something along the lines of “well, you know what you have to do, don’t expect sympathy from me about this if you won’t actually do it”. I think I inherited some of that attitude myself, to be honest - I sometimes feel it for myself and for my friends. And I feel that lack of compassion from other friends sometimes, too. (That impulse in my mom comes from an obvious family trauma, so I have some empathy for her - but it doesn’t make it any easier for me in the moment when she says those things.)

So, I don’t talk about it. My mom also told me when I was a kid that the *only* way you could guarantee that no one would ever find out a secret about you (a crush, for instance) was to not tell anybody. There is so much that I censor myself from saying, for one reason or another, all the time. I don’t want to make people uncomfortable. I want to manipulate people into not abandoning me, or doing things I need. I don’t want to be a burden or an embarrassment to anybody - this is the one that hurts the most. When I think about wanting to disappear in that context, it takes on a new meaning; I can’t have needs, and therefore can’t be a burden or seen or felt at all, if I don’t exist. I’ll just see myself out.

A has told me before that I wallow (again triggering that sense of shame for talking about it at all, and giving me more reason to keep a lid on it in the future). But, I can’t figure out how to move on from these things. Why do I linger on them so much? Even after 15 years and several more betrayals by him, there’s a part of me that still isn’t over P and still holds onto the hurt and unfairness of it. It feels like A is accusing me of a guilty pleasure, like there must be a part of me that enjoys wallowing if I do it so much, that I should just get over myself and stop. But what is there to enjoy about it? Anyway. Is he right? I worry.

But I want to talk about it. Maybe it’s the only way through to the other side of the feelings. I am so resentful of people for whom that comes easily, who aren’t so afraid of saying something wrong/bad/harmful that they self-censor.

[theheadoforpheus]

in my ear. Had this on repeat a lot recently. “I would like to know what chemical would make me feel like you were just around me after ten years”.

I’ve been dealing with a rejection that’s really bringing me back fifteen years to when P broke up with me. Realizing that I still have a lot of unfelt feelings about that one, and trying to work through it all. I’ll write about it in more depth here eventually, I’m sure. The rejection is especially hard this time because it’s not a rejection in full - they still want to be friends and have promised not to leave. But I think I need to walk away, and to do my own “it’ll pass”.

(Content warning below, mild suicidal ideation) (don't worry, I'm not going to hurt myself)

Right now, I'm focused on the idea of "disappearing" into a crowd, for my presence to just go up in smoke - that's part of the reason why I deleted instagram and want to delete facebook (not the whole reason, but in part). Just to leave no trace of myself anywhere they still are. I'm cheating a little by still using tumblr, but I needed to write to a community somewhere about all these feelings I'm having, but also be able to pretend that I'm shouting into a void.

Don't be alarmed, I'm not going to hurt myself, although I have to admit I did think about it. The closest I ever get to that is to suspend faith for long enough to really think about how it would work, how it would feel, what would happen afterwards. But when I realize what I'm actually thinking, it terrifies me that I'm seriously considering it at all. But, I still want to disappear.

#Spotify

[theheadoforpheus]

In keeping with my Orpheus theme from so many years ago. 

One of the things that’s happened since 2015 is that I started a choir. This is a piece we wrote together and rehearsed/recorded remotely in the fall of 2020, during COVID. It features video art by maya + rouvelle, and I’m so happy with how it all turned out. I even wrote some of the music for it myself (the section titled “Eurydice”, timestamp below). 

There’s more info in the video description on Vimeo. I copy/pasted some of it below for good measure. 

This undertaking was my biggest Orpheus project since I finished my thesis several years ago. Orpheus has been on my mind for that entire time (of course), but this was a great dive back into the myth in detail. It’s still as meaningful in my life as it ever was, and maybe even more so now. 

Six movements about the myth of Orpheus.

In the exquisite corpse game, created and popularized by André Bréton, several players work together to draw an imaginary creature. Each person takes a turn to draw one part of the body. They cannot see the rest of the body, but they can see where the last person left off. The result is an absurd figure, contiguous but made of vastly different parts. Carduus wrote this piece using the exquisite corpse game as a model, with the story of Orpheus serving as the “corpse” that we aimed to stitch back together.

“Happening” @1:10 / excerpt from Russel Hoban’s “The Medusa Frequency”

“Raumgewinn" @2:15 / excerpts from Monteverdi’s “Orfeo” and Rilke’s “Sonnets to Orpheus”

“é mesmo velha historia” @4:48 / sampled text from “Orfeo Negro”

“Eurydice” @6:03 / excerpts from Margaret Atwood’s “Variation on the Word Sleep” & H.D.’s “Eurydice”

“Little One” @10:29 / original text by the composer

“Cocytus" @13:05 / dialogue excerpted from “Portrait of a Lady on Fire”

[texts by Russell Hoban and Margaret Atwood are used with permission]

Visual Art by Maya + Rouvelle

Carduus Chamber Choir

Pre-concert talk / introduction youtube.com/watch?app=desktop&v=oKBbHtZ1BHo&t=3s

Panel discussion youtube.com/watch?v=xxia4ipcoX0

Maya + Rouvelle writing mayarouvelle.com/orpheus-fragments-with-carduus-chamber-choir/

This project is made possible in part by Choral Arts New England, and our generous private donors.

[theheadoforpheus]

Hello again, for real this time

I recently deactivated my insta and am hoping to do the same for my Facebook in a few weeks, and going to switch back to tumblr because it’s more of the blogging feel that I want anyway.

It is so weird to look back on the most recent posts I made here. So much has happened and I’ve changed so much.

Not much else to say right now. I’ll put more stuff here soon, as I relearn how to use this site/this app. ❤️

[theheadoforpheus]

(quietly sneaks back on to tumblr)

(hi - been awhile! I’m hoping to start blogging a bit more again. Lots has changed. More later.)

#i'm baaaaaaack #ecco pur ch'a voi ritorno!

[theheadoforpheus]

[theheadoforpheus]

A new Orph-piece I hadn't known before - in fact, I didn't know any of Hovhaness' music before. Interesting, I like it.

#orpheus #music #alan hovhaness #my mood

[theheadoforpheus]

(I know this is a random post to see on here - especially since I tumbl so little these days. But I just read this and it felt really poignant. I used to be sort of death-phobic - still am, to a certain degree - not afraid of death, but of dead, decaying things. Mummies, dead bodies - I hated autumn for that reason. And only recently started coming to terms with why I felt that way and what it signifies - and that decay is beautiful and natural in its way, too. For everything there is a season, etc etc.)

DECOMPOSITION & DECAY *

In our modern-day human culture, decomposition and decay have often come to be viewed quite negatively, with the former mainly associated with things that are rotten, have a bad smell and are generally symptomatic of death, while the latter is similarly viewed as very undesirable, whether it be in terms of urban decay, or, on a much more personal level, tooth decay. However, they are vital processes in nature, playing an essential role in the breakdown of organic matter, recycling it and making it available again for new organisms to utilise.

IMAGE SOURCES: 1, 2, 3, 4

[theheadoforpheus]

Ooh. This.

I've been involved in a few vocal ensemble-type-projects recently, and actually started a small Josquin group with a few friends. And this pushes all the good buttons. Performance in public spaces for its own sake, ritualistic performance, how good and still-relevant really old music is.

Icelandic descendants of Vikings singing a hymn in a German train station. They totally need to be on the next Thor soundtrack.

[theheadoforpheus]

Hi tumblr! Been awhile. Nothing special to report, but I'm singing this right now and really love it and wanted to put it here for you.

[theheadoforpheus]

CORRECT

"Maestro, could you give me a clear cue at my entrance?"

[theheadoforpheus]

Nina Simone, "Sinnerman" Recently got into this song via Sherlock (oh my god, Sherlock - so good).

[theheadoforpheus]

Words do not express thoughts very well. They always become a little different immediately after they are expressed, a little distorted, a little foolish.

Hermann Hesse  (via gebeine)

2484, because I love Hermann Hesse and also this thought.

(via portraitofasmile)

mmm, this too. makes me think of orpheus - one of my ideas-in-progress is that orpheus' music = the perfect language (that pre-babel language that actually said things and not just the names of things). Started thinking about this right after I read The Name of the Rose and it stuck. I've been taking a little break from orpheus for the past year (as you can tell by the sorry state of my tumblr), but this is a thought I'd like to come back to someday.

[theheadoforpheus]

In order to grow your audience, you must betray their expectations.

Hayao Miyazaki (via fuckyeahcharacterdevelopment)

2485, absolutely true

(via portraitofasmile)

mmm.

[theheadoforpheus]

Little 15th-century pawprints...how sweet!

Inky paw prints on a 15th century manuscript.

[theheadoforpheus]

hehehe!

[theheadoforpheus]

The cat is all "...dude...you are embarrassing me."