thoughts-of-a-madman

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

August 30, 2020

Nearly a year again since the last post. Man, things have gotten so much worse. I’m at the end of my rope. I’m at the edge. Do I jump? Or do I find a way out? 

To whom do I reach out? Who can I ask for help? I’ve tried and I’ve failed. 

I’ve tried and I failed.

#fail #prolongedinevitable #lookingforasign

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

September 1, 2019

I am unsure of myself. Doubts begin to flood my mind once more, and why, I cannot say. Responsibilities, day in and day out. Instability, my brain feels fragmented and left all about. When the bouts of thought challenge common sense and reason, all I’m left to ask is when will this finally cease and end?

I want to do more, to take on the next level; but upon doing so, it feels my only tool is this shovel. How the burning liquid calls to my lips. Shame courses my body while sedating my veins. And all I’m asking for is to know I am sane.

#doubts #shame #depression

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

June 18, 2019: Morning

To say it has been awhile is an understatement. Nevertheless I am here and writing now, so let us commence.

This is the morning after the first day of Vegas with the boys. It is currently 5 til 9 and I am awake courtesy of Hoa. I believe I slept for 6 hours (based off of my watch) but possibly even less. Right now, my body feels rather exhausted, going through the motions, while my head fights through the fog. My stomach is yelling for me to either eat or drink to ease the discomfort, which I am opting for the former once Hoa returns.

Skipping passed the personal updates of condition, I feel it is my duty to track my earnings and losses here too. Last night I won something around $500-600! I was sober enough to walk away after that victory but what after is a tale to tell. I wound up on the wrong floor, leaving my mark so to speak. Luckily my friends eventually answered and I made it back to the room where I cleaned off.

Overall it was a successful night, one I hope to replicate today/tonight.

Until nest time...

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

August 25, 2018

Hello false audience, for it is I who returns with a heavy heart. Lies will only get you so far, and the demons you allow to work will soon take over if not regularly checked. Liquid courage tempts the weak, and false courage it is. While I do not think highly of myself, I believe it is this lack of esteem that permits me to allow such demons to control me. It is funny how I can rationally argue with myself, understand that the decision is wrong and unnecessary, yet continue to proceed because “why not?” I guess certain things are a disease, and I will forever resent myself. But I refuse to let such actions hold me down. I am who I am for a reason and I will not become weaker for it. I made it through death and made it past the past. So I write this to remind myself to keep my head up like Pac and ride rough because aint no one stopping me but me.

#coke and vodka #fuck alc #never stop #does anyone read this #peace

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

August 5, 2018

Alas time has once more passes between posts, and I am no closer to a clearer mind than before. In fact, I believe myself to be even more conflicted as I grow weary by the day, wondering whether or not I will receive the financial aid necessary for me to graduate this coming Spring. I have come to the resolve of taking the year off if necessary, with plans of focusing on music, my dream, yet the nagging feeling persists at the back of my brain like a tick on an ungroomed chihuahua. While the free time seems promising, I can’t help but fill incomplete. I must also admit to have grown fearful, as life is finite, and my grandparents take their final steps every passing hour. It is my mission to permit them to bear witness my graduation of college, a feat that is not easily completed within my family. Yet with a pushed back time table, it worries me that I will not be able to achieve my mission in time. Is it selfish of me to want to go to school and not take time of to follow my dream? In honesty, I go to college not for myself, but for my family. I’ve known poverty all to well, and I only wish to help aid my family out of it. I’m the only grandchild to have gone this far with their education, and am on the brink of reaching this milestone, so why can’t I accept a small setback? Because time is running out, and I just don’t know if I can graduate without them...

#formyfamily

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

June 20, 2018

Alas, I foresaw this coming. The forgetfulness and lack of discipline has resulted in the months slipping through my fingers like the sands of time escaping my grasp. Once more I return to write. While yes, I had plans to continue with this type of mindful reflection, such as is the case with the yellow notebook at home, I would be lying if I did not recognize my friend asking about journals. He himself has started to keep one, sharing with me this small detail of his life as if looking for relate-ability and comfort in going forward with this task. Hence my return, in another attempt to keep up with these posts as much as possible. Although I know the possibility of someone reading this is slim to none, however it does more for me, allowing me to dump my thoughts into one place. The legibility of the so-called writing ensures I will be able to truly reflect on the past without the fear of misreading my own writings. Summer begins within a few days (technically) and I have owned a Prius for one whole day now. I am unsure as to what my future holds, but I will continue to press on. I truly hope the next time I post, it will be by tomorrow, if not, a few days. Until next time. 

Signed, 

A Madman

#madman #thoughts #journal

[thoughts-of-a-madman]

3/12/2018

It is amazing how much change can occur over a few months. I am feeling more confident than before, taking up more responsibilities with work and school. Nevertheless, I continue to experience times of sorrow and loneliness. I can be often confused with my emotions, longing for comfort and companionship more complex than a physical relationship. Even with a significant other, I find it difficult to find bliss in complacency.