transramblings

[transramblings]

It's not that I dislike the kind of posts that go "love to trans people who don't pass" and "love to trans people who do pass" but I do think those two are not exclusive. Do I pass? Well my classmates don't question that I'm a cis man but sometimes random people call me madam. So do I pass or not?

#trans

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Am I the only trans man on earth with fucking...hairline dysphoria???

Every other transmasc I see online is terrified of balding and constantly checking for a receding hairline and ALL I WANT is to have those angular parts of the hair on the sides of the forehead made by the recession; I just think my hair the way it is is so fem bc I don't have the angles

#nope you are not #years of t has made it recede a bit though #not enough to really see it with my haircut though

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Happens in 50% of my interactions with other people

#sigh #after 3 and a half years #still this bullshit

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Can we talk about trans hunger?

That specific, all encompassing desire for a body that isn't yours. A kind of lust that has nothing to do with sex or companionship. Growing up and watching the boys around me get taller and broader while I grew curves I didn't want. Listening to their voices crack and drop with a jealousy I didn't have words for. Mourning my period and breasts and praying instead for muscle mass and hair. Watching myself turn into a woman and grieving the limited time I had being boxy and lanky like the boys my age.

The hunger never went away. I hear men speak and wish my voice could carry the same masculine cadence. Mimicking their lax mannerisms to try and bridge the gap between my unwanted femininity and the goal of manhood. Envying their flat chests and facial hair.

I don't know if cis people are aware of the constant hunger for a different body. Trans health care is health care. Anyone who denies trans kids their health care is denying a child who is starving for something intrinsic to their personhood. You are not saving them. You're suffocating them.

#so real :c

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society really lost the war when dressing nice / slutty = “gay” “metrosexual” “is he 💅🏻”. we had decades of men wearing crop tops and short shorts without blinking an eye and now it’s ye ole pilgrim standards and talk of scandal if they show their knees

#listen I know this is a light hearted post #but it bothers me how narrow the range of acceptable mens fashion is #even just a cool jacket gets me misgendered #there's barely any color allowed and if you want to look decent you gonna have to wear full length pants in summer #your other option is shitty cargo pants #and god forbid you express yourself in any way

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Holy shit man, I feel the exact same way! It's a horrible feeling but you did a great job putting it into words at least...

sex, genitals discussion (gender dysphoria, trans male perspective) below the cut, body horror also

living with no penis is like. i don't even know my own sexuality so i say i'm bi.

and like, yeah, i'm bi. i'm attracted to men and women. but how am i supposed to KNOW? how am i supposed to test that? how am i supposed to realistically, genuinely, engage with those feelings of attraction beyond the confines of my own head?

i can't have sex with anyone. i can't even IMAGINE myself having sex with anyone. i can't possibly see myself as being a sexual creature, given i have the wrong set of genitals. i'm actively disgusted by my own genitals lol. when do i get to be a full person

listen it's really gross but sometimes i pack it with paper towels like i'm packing a wound. because it feels like an open wound. sometimes i just get sick of the texture and feel of it. it's just. argh. yuck.

one time i had a nightmare that my mouth had turned into a vagina. blood was dripping from it and i tried to pack it. again, like a wound. everybody could see. really, brain? are these the fears that we try to dismiss as being nothing? not severe enough to warrant the cost, pain, and time it takes to pursue medical intervention?

the body opens where it should close

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As a teacher I'd like to second this, bc this is what you do to children too if they misuse a word or use incorrect grammar. Continue the conversation using correct words and grammar and they'll pick it up without feeling attacked!

Today I learned that if someone uses harmful words with backhanded connotations, and that usage is not deliberate, it is much more productive to visibly ignore it and persistently use the proper wording in the same conversation than to try to persuade that person.

When you try to enforce something, they see you as standing out of the accepted norm. When you deliberately act like you don't even have to think about your wording, they see themselves as abnormal. And people generally avoid this feeling, especially older people. They won't even notice they're conforming.

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To any trans man who needs to hear this: When they say they “hate all men” or want to “kill all men,” you don’t have to just accept that. It’s okay to feel hurt, it’s okay to feel unsafe. It’s okay to recognize that they are either othering your manhood or demonizing you for it, and to call them out for it if you’re in a position to. If they have trauma around men, they can work on that in private instead of expressing harmful sentiments around their marginalized male friends. You deserve love and safety. I love you and I hope I can help you feel safe.

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Also you know what, let me add to it. I think that baby trans period comes with that euphoria of finally being yourself. But now I don't feel euphoric anymore if I get gendered correctly, just relief. And then there's the dysphoria when I get misgendered. On the one hand, I know I've gotten so far and that's great but emotionally I only get the bad part and not the good part

Adding to my "i miss my baby trans era" post: I feel extremely dysphoric, but at the same time there is no reserve of things I can do to alleviate this feeling.

Earlier in my transition, I could do some new exciting things and feel better. Buy a binder, get a haircut, come out to my friends. Now, when I live as my gender almost full-time, there is no "next step" that I can make to instantly feel more alive. I've done everything that I can do at this point. And it's not enough.

#and I know I should be counting my blessings and be grateful and stuff #but I find that hard to do when I still don't reliably pass #one day I'll make a post about how the concept of trans joy can be very toxically positive #if I dare

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Adding to my "i miss my baby trans era" post: I feel extremely dysphoric, but at the same time there is no reserve of things I can do to alleviate this feeling.

Earlier in my transition, I could do some new exciting things and feel better. Buy a binder, get a haircut, come out to my friends. Now, when I live as my gender almost full-time, there is no "next step" that I can make to instantly feel more alive. I've done everything that I can do at this point. And it's not enough.

#god yea #people keep warning me about post op depression #feeling like #oh this is it #but I already feel like shit #it's gonna be worse??

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I find it interesting how people don't seem to know about or expect trans men to get bottom surgery or other masculinizing surgery and treat top surgery as *the* surgery. Like, I saw my anthropology mentor today and I hadn't seen her since before I had surgery, and she said something along the lines of like "it must be such a relief to get *the* big surgery over with", as if top surgery would be the only major surgery I could feasibly get over the course of my transition. And you see this a lot with people equating trans men with having a vulva, using terms like "boypussy" (a personal ick) when referring to sexual experiences involving trans men, as if trans men couldn't possibly have other genitalia. And of course facial masculinization surgery is also a thing many trans men opt for, but it is never talked about as even a potential resource for trans men, despite it being a valid option.

Personally, I think top surgery is it for me. I would love to be able to get bottom surgery, but unfortunately I have genitourinary disorders and I don't think it's a good idea to mess with anything down there. But if I didn't have those disorders, bottom surgery would not be off the table. And getting a hysterectomy or something similar certainly is *not* off the table, I would like to get some sort of sterilization procedure at some point.

I don't know if this is part of people thinking trans men somehow have an easier time "passing" than other trans people without significant intervention (we don't) or people being uncomfortable with the idea of trans men "ruining" our femalehood, or maybe it's a combination of both ideas and others, but it's just such a frustrating phenomena.

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trans people who were born in the wrong body, trans people who were born in the right body, trans people who were born the wrong gender but are the right gender now, trans people who have never had a gender, trans people who have lived as multiple genders intentionally, trans people who identify periods in their lives by which gender they were at the time, trans people who have always been their gender and trans people who fall under all other experiences are all trans people, and deserve love, companionship, kindness and community. all expressions and experiences of transness are good and deserve to be discussed- not one overshadows the other, not one is universally right or wrong, for every trans experience is as unique as the trans person it belongs to. all trans experiences are all good

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i'm trying to move away from the internet queer discoursing but ik i have some mutuals the are still in the trenches so i thought you guys might appreciate this clip of contrapoints being normal abt transmasc issues. btw.

#trans #contra always does very well talking about transmasc issues #her video on jk rowling includes a part about how she is harming trans men especially #Most transfem yters just kinda don't get it or forget about us #but she doesn't #and I appreciate it

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It's honestly crazy that discussion around testosterone HRT skews so much towards the beginning stages of it (to the point that you have dozens of guys thinking their transition is "failed" if they don't pass by like a year in lol) and what the initial changes of the first couple of months to years look like, like the classic laundry list of those early basic changes like bottom growth, voice drop, etc, when IMO literally none of that compares remotely to the depth and intensity of the long term total masculinization you start to experience like 3-5+ years in.

#relief #been feeling like it's over lately bc after 3 and a half years and I don't pass perfectly

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boba T

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I love my friends and I would never trade them for anything

Having said that, there is a part of me that desperately wishes I had more masc friends because there’s just a dynamic I feel like I’m missing out on

#I feel that! #there's just something about vibing with the boys

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part of what annoys me about "all men are trash - but like not trans men you guys are special!!" is the idea that trans men wouldn't feel solidarity with our fellow men. that we would want to be divided from them, as if we don't see them as our friends, brothers, fathers, partners, comrades etc. as if we wouldn't want all of our fellow men to be freed from gender roles and cissexism.

#reblogging from main