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Drawn & Quartered -- Chapter 8

DECEMBER 2011 – 10 MONTHS LATER

Caitlyn was sitting at a table in some upscale restaurant in Helsinki, waiting for her boyfriend Matthias to return from the bathroom. They were out to dinner for their 1 year anniversary. Caitlin had given him back the ring he had tried giving her far, far too early right after Ville had broken up with her, and she had a feeling Matthias was going to try it again.

Caitlin could no longer stand him, but they had leased an apartment together, she felt stuck. She never loved Mattias, and if she was honest, she barely even liked him. She was just too afraid of being alone.

Across the city, Ville was packing sloppily, almost considering not doing it at all. It was customary, for him at least, to get a hotel room close to Tavastia for Helldone. If he partied too hard, or he was too tired, he could just walk 1 block instead of waiting for a taxi home during the busiest time of year.

Sasha, the groupie he’d met well over a year ago was helping him. Mostly just carefully folding clothes while he flung them at her. Ville barely tolerated her, and Sasha knew it. But she supplied him with pussy and coke and wasn’t bad to look at. However, he considered her vapid and annoying, so she never stuck around for more than a few hours, and Ville *never* allowed her to spend the night. For Ville, though he adamantly denied it to himself, was still painfully hung up on Caitlyn, and he was no closer to being ready for someone to take her spot in his bed than he had been a year ago.

But yet, he still hung out with Sasha enough that the press began calling her his girlfriend, which Ville refused to verify. He even found “friends with benefits” too strong of a term, but it had to do. “Random groupie I bang because she supplies me drugs” was pretty tasteless, even more so than the entire situationship Ville had found himself in.

Ville walked out of his closet with a few jackets and saw Sasha holding a ring box looking confused. “Where’d you get that?” he blurted out, sounding a lot harsher than he’d intended, startling Sasha.

“It was in the pocket of his jacket.” She replied, a small smile playing on her lips, like she was cautiously optimistic.

“Well put it down, it’s not for you.”

The smile immediately dropped from Sasha’s lips. “Sorry…” she muttered.

Instead of feeling bad, Ville’s annoyance just grew. He rolled his eyes and shook his head in exasperation, “I mean really, why would that be for you…” he grumbled.

Sasha was quiet for a while, embarrassed and dejected, but it was Ville Valo, and he gave her attention, so who was she to turn that down? “Do you want me to get you some coke for the weekend?” she sheepishly offered, trying to get back on his good side.

“No.” Ville replied quickly. “I told you I’m done with that.”

“Do you… want a bj?” she suggested

“No. Just—fucking take this, and go get me a carton of cigarettes.” He tossed some cash at her. “Make it two.”

Sasha silently got up and left, forgiving him immediately for how callous he had been, firmly believing it was a much better deal having Ville Valo in her life than not having him at all.

Back at the restaurant, Caitlyn blankly stared at Matthias as he was reading off a speech to her from his phone. She knew exactly where he was going with this, and she couldn’t even bring herself to feel badly about her disinterest. Suddenly, a large black truck stopped at a redlight right outside the windows she was facing. It had “HIM” plastered across the side.

Her eyes widened, “Of course” she thought… it was nearing Helldone again. That was their equipment truck making it’s way to Tavastia, surely. She’d seen it so many times before.

“So that’s why I really think that we’re meant to be together, and I was really hoping—”

“Matt.” Caitlyn cut him off quietly. “Do NOT get out of your chair and kneel down on this floor. Not again. Not in front of all these people.” her tone, though quiet, was sharp and stern.

Matthias looked confused, but Caitlyn continued, “You really want to do this *again*? You didn’t learn from the last time that doing this in public is *not* how I want this to happen?”

“Oh…” Matthias whispered.

“Do you remember what the hell I told you last time?”

“'Public proposals are tacky.'” Matthias sheepishly recited.

“You’d think you’d plan this out better.” Caitlyn rolled her eyes and took a big gulp of her wine. “This wine sucks.” She grumbled.

“Do you want to go someplace else?” Matthias questioned.

“Yeah, home.” Caitlyn picked up her purse and started walking out.

As Caitlyn walked the snowy streets, she felt her cheeks flush with anger. At herself for being so rude, at Matthias for being so dumb, at everyone for having the audacity to be walking so slow and in her way when she just wanted to hurry up and get home. Soon, something caught her eye. The equipment truck again, parked outback of Tavastia. Whether it was rage, or the several glasses of wine she’d had, suddenly Caitlyn turned and began hurriedly walking towards it. Not sure why or even what her goal was but she was focused. Almost too focused and nearly got hit by a car. Caitlyn ignored the angry horn blasts and kept moving.

She rounded the corner of the back of the building and saw the backdoors wide open as roadies and crew members buzzed around trying to get everything in order for the shows that were to be held the last 3 days of December. Ville was no doubt in there, getting things sorted himself. Rehearsing even. So, despite the knot in her stomach, she carried herself in through the backdoors. It had been one long year, and boy did she have some shit to get off her chest. She had a serious bone to pick with Ville.

She smiled politely at the crew members who met her eyes, they recognized her, so no one stopped her. Back in the dark corridors of the venue, she inhaled. The smell of lumber, dusty rafters, the faint smell of spilled beer and metalhead body odor… so many memories came flooding back to her. The walls around her were covered in scribbles and graffiti. She wondered if the doodle Ville had done was still there, so she started scanning the wall for something written in a purple Sharpie. Scanning carefully for what felt like a very long time, she found it. A purple heart, with the words “Ville & Cait 4evr” sloppily written in his handwriting within it. The threat of tears stung her eyes.

“Caitlyn?” a familiar voice made her jump.

Caitlyn recognized the voice immediately, it was Ville. She turned quickly to face him, his face a mixture of pleasant surprise and confusion, Caitlyn however looked like a deer in the headlights. They stared at each other for what felt like minutes, until Caitlyn gave a weak “Hi.” Her heart beating a mile a minute.

With that, Ville’s face dropped to borderline contemptuous. “What the hell are you doing here?” he asked harshly.

The tone in his voice reignited her own indignation. “You and I have unfinished business.”

“Oh do we?” Ville condescended. He glanced down at her left hand, finding no ring. “Guess it didn’t work out with Matthias so you’re here to fuck another friend of mine?”

Caitlyn’s face burned with anger and embarrassment. “You know what? Never fucking mind.” And she turned to walk away.

“Go ahead. Walk away. You’re really good at that, Caitlyn.” Ville called after her, causing her to stop dead in her tracks before swiftly turning on her heel.

“You know what, Ville? You’re right. I am good at that. About as good at it as you are being a dick.” She spat.

Ville scoffed, “Oh yeah?”

“Yeah.” Cait retorted, “You’re a massive fucking prick and I fucking hate you for what you put me through.”

“What I put you through?” Ville responded in disbelief. “What *I* put *you* through?! Caitlyn YOU are the one who left.”

“After you fucking TOLD me to, you fucking asshole!” she shouted.

“Fuck you! I never told you to leave!”

“What the FUCK was I supposed to do? YOU BROKE UP WITH ME!” she shouted, her voice echoing off the narrow hallway walls.

Ville stared at her as Caitlyn’s chest heaved from yelling, “I didn’t mean to.” Ville replied, barely audibly. Caitlyn could hardly hear him over the furious beating of her heart in her ears.

“What?!” Caitlyn shouted once more “What the hell does that even mean, Ville?!”

“I just wanted to feel like you fucking cared about me.” Ville admitted, clenching his jaw afterwards, in an attempt to stall the tears he knew were sure to well up in his eyes. The two silently stared at each other. Tears openly welling in Caitlyn’s eyes.

"I. ALWAYS. Cared about you." Caitlyn stared him down.

Ville stared back, trying to win the unspoken staring contest until he couldn't help himself. “I’m sorry.” his voice squeaked. Ville’s floodgates broke first, his fist balled up under his nose in a futile attempt to stop it. His head lowered as he cried.

Tears dropped from Caitlyn’s eye and she approached him. The pair tightly wrapped their arms around each other, almost uncomfortably, both breaking the floodgates even more. Caitlyn wept silently into his chest as Ville cried into the top of her head. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry, Cait.” He sobbed quietly, his body shaking.

Caitlyn held him tight, inhaling his scent, which made her cry more. Cologne, cigarettes, and just the overall smell of him. She could even smell the house on his clothes. Finally, she felt like she was home. His arms felt so safe.

After a moment, Ville backed off from her, looking up at the ceiling light above his head, blinking rapidly, trying desperately to stop crying. Caitlyn looked around, suddenly realizing people were around and awkwardly trying not to look at them in true Finnish fashion.

“Do you want to go somewhere and talk?” she mumbled, wiping tears from her own cheeks.

Ville nodded and the pair silently left through the backdoors, passing by several very confused and concerned Tavastia employees. Caitlyn followed him, unsure of where they were even going, both of them walking awkwardly beside each other in an eerie silence. Caitlyn remarked that even the usually busy street was quieter than normal.

“Here, this is the place.” Ville muttered, after a block and a half, turning left into a Hilton hotel. Caitlyn followed him silently towards the elevators, avoiding each other’s gaze in the chrome elevator doors as they waited. The tension between them inside the elevator and wandering through the hotel hallway was palpable, neither one of them knew what to say to each other despite having a thousand things they wanted to say. They were both full of anger, longing, sadness, and anxiousness. They both loathed and loved each other, all at once.

Ville stopped at a door, pulled out his keycard and entered, holding the door open for Caitlyn, ever the gentleman. Caitlyn stood in the middle of the room, holding her coat, unsure of what to do.

“Sit.” Ville motioned to one of the two double beds in the room as he sat on the one closest to him. Cait sat, staring at her hands in her lap, Ville staring off into the distance towards to floor, arms crossed defensively. He was scared, they both were. Of what? Neither of them knew.

“How was your Christmas?” Caitlyn mumbled, unsure of how to break the silence.

“Miserable.” Ville blurted out. “Truthfully, I haven’t been much in the spirit since…” he trailed off.

Cait nodded, “Yeah. Me too...." Caitlyn took a deep breath and blurted out "I miss you." before she could scare herself out of it, but she didn't look at him.

Ville looked up at her, telepathically trying to get Cait to look at him in the face, "I miss you too." Cait bit her lip to try to keep her emotions in check, trying to think of what to say, but once again, the pair sat in awkward silence. “You still with Matthias?” Ville blurted out before he could chicken out.

Both of them were internally cringing at the question. “Yeah.” Caitlyn quietly admitted. Ville clenched his teeth, sharply inhalijg through his nose, feeling the rage building again, until Caitlyn continued, “But deeply unhappy. I hate him. I hate my life. I fucking hate everything.”

Ville exhaled and paused, “Yeah, I’ve been seeing someone too…” he admitted. “But not any happier than you are, to be quite honest.”

“That’s rebounds for ya.” Caitlyn nodded, still not making eye contact.

“Indeed.” Ville agreed. "But she doesn't mean anything. It's not serious."

"No?" Caitlyn questioned, eyebrows raised. Finally looking at him.

Ville shook his head, "Nope. Unlike one of us, I was devastated when we broke up and I had the decency to wait a while." Ville exaggerated, knowing he himself had only waited a few weeks. But Caitlyn didn't know that, he just wanted to make her feel bad.

Caitlyn furrowed her eyebrows, "If you're here to argue, I'm not interested."

"What *are* you interested in Caitlyn?" Ville narrowed his eyes and crossed his arms tighter. "Running back to me now that you're regretting your rebound?" the viciousness in his voice even made Ville himself uncomfortable.

"Wow, okay. I'm sorry I even came here..." Caitlyn stood up and headed to the door. Ville's pride forced him into hesitating a moment, but milliseconds later he leaped up from his seat and slammed the door shut before Caitlyn could get out into the hallway. The loud bang startling both of them a little, but they instead stared each other down, jaws clenched.

The standoff felt like hours, but it was mere seconds until Ville lunged, throwing Caitlyn against the door, attacking her lips with his, which she greedily accepted. A moan escaped Ville as he began kissing her deeper, his hand traveling down to her ass, gripping it tight as he pressed himself firmly against her.

Caitlyn pulled back, opting to kiss Ville's neck, right under his ear, and reaching down to cup the growing erection within his jeans. Ville slapped her hands away and began unbuckling his belt, allowing Caitlyn space to take off her top. The pair briefly glanced at each other before kissing each other hungrily and moving their way towards the bed closest to them.

Ville roughly pushed Caitlyn down as she hurriedly took off her tight jeans. Ville assisted by ripping them the rest of the way down her legs and before Cait knew what he was doing, he got on top of her, burying his fingers under her panties. Caitlyn gasped as electric pulses coursed through her body.

"I guess you really did miss me." Ville spoke in a husky whisper in her ear, remarking at how soaking wet she was. "I fucking missed you too." And without warning, Ville plunged inside of her.

He inhaled sharply, and for a moment he was still, relishing in the feeling of being inside the love of his life again, at long last.

Caitlyn wrapped her arms up around his neck as he began violently thrusting, causing her to cry out loudly in pleasure.

"You thought I'd let you fucking walk away from me again? You're wrong." He grunted between thrusts.

Caitlyn dragged her nails down his shoulders as her thighs clenched around him like a vice grip. "I fucking missed you so fucking much." She groaned, each syllable punctuated by Ville's harsh movements. "Fuck don't stop." She begged as she grew nearer to her climax.

Ville moved one hand to her neck and squeezed firmly, he remembered just how she liked it. "That's right, cum for me." He growled. That alone was enough to push Caitlyn over the edge as her legs began to shake and she screamed his name loudly. Ville kept going, prolonging her ecstasy, until he could no longer hold back and he came deep inside of her.

Ville and Cait laid together, sweaty and emotional, still riding the high from the orgasm they'd just had.

Once their bodies regulated, Ville rolled over to grab his pants to retrieve his cigarettes. It wad a non-smoking room, but he couldn't give less of a fuck if he tried. He lit his cigarette and leaned back against the headboard, right beside Cait. Inhaling deeply.

"We just cheated on our partners." Caitlyn said blankly, no guilt present in her voice. Matthias had been a rebound and nothing more, she knew it, and deep down she was sure he knew it too, though it was painfully obvious he wanted more.

"*You* cheated." Ville clarified, lighting a cigarette. "I told you, Sasha doesn't mean anything to me."

Caitlyn side-eyed him, "So since Matthias doesn't mean anything to me, that means I didn't cheat?"

Ville side-eyed her back, "I'm not the one who went and got engaged."

Caitlin rolled her eyes. "Not engaged. Never fucking was." She sighed. "C'mon Ville, you gotta admit that Sasha would be upset if she knew about this."

Ville shrugged, "Doesn't mean I give a fuck." And took a deep drag off his cigarette.

Caitlyn furrowed her eyebrows, "What happened to you?" His callousness was unnerving.

"You." He blurted out and then turned his head to look at Cait. "You happened."

Caitlyn rolled her eyes, "Might I remind you that--"

"Okay, Caitlyn." Ville interrupted, his voice raising. "I broke up with you. I fucking get it."

"So why are you taking it out on me?" Cait asked sitting up and turning toward him.

"Because you left. You didn't-- you didn't try. Fight. You just left." Ville's face was a mix of indignation and hurt. "And then you fucked my friend, Cait. Of all the people in the world, you chose-- that fucking destroyed me, Caitlyn."

"You know back then I swore it wasn't to hurt you, but it was. I was so, *so* fucking angry with you. I knew it would hurt. I wanted you to hurt ad badly as I did." Caitlyn paused "But what about you? Are or were you using Sasha to spite me?"

Ville shook his head and took another hit off his cigarette. "Nah."

"No?" Caitlyn questioned.

"Nope. To be honest, she's just a warm body. She might as well be a blow-up doll with a pulse."

"Wow." Caitlyn was once again impressed by the cold callousness Ville was showing.

"Whatever. She's using me too. She's a fucking groupie. And far as I'm concerned, that makes us square." Ville stopped and put out his cigarette directly on the hotel nightstand. "I'd been meaning to ask, and I want you to be honest... When did you fuck him?" Ville asked dryly. "The first time?" He added to clarify.

"What does that matter?" Cait asked, eyebrows furrowed.

"Because I decided so." Ville whipped back, barely masking his rage. Cait stared at him quietly. "Oh my God... you fucked him the same fucking day we broke up, didn't you?"

Caitlyn didn't answer, her eyes flicked off to the side.

Ville ripped the blanket off of him and quickly got out of bed. Standing with one hand on his forehead, the other on his hip. "Where?"

Caitlyn stared at him bewildered, "What?"

"Where, Caitlyn? I swear to God if you tell me you fucked him in my.... in OUR bed...." Ville quickly corrected himself, trailing off before letting out a breathy laugh, running a hand through his hair.

"What the fuck does that matter?" Caitlyn asked "Are you not fucking Sasha in 'our' bed?" Using heavy quotation marks in her tone.

"Jesus fucking Christ, cait, stop bringing her up!" Ville yelled.

"WHY?" Caitlyn yelled back, matching his volume.

"BECAUSE. SHE. MEANS. NOTHING!" He screamed back. "You ran off and got fucking engaged to someone! Engaged within *weeks*, Caitlyn." His voice cracked. "That must mean you had feelings for him." His voice trembled. "Even just a little, you had feelings for him."

Caitlyn stared, tears welling, "Ville... I don't."

"Don't fucking do that, don't pander to me."

"Ville, I'm not! I don't love him." Caitlyn put her head in her hands, "Why do you think I'm here? Do you really think if I loved him I would have chased you down for closure? And immediately gotten into bed with you?" She sighed heavily. "Matthias was the rebound that went too far. I was afraid of being alone... now here I am."

Ville closed his eyes and exhaled. "What if I don't want closure?"

"What?" Caitlyn lifted her head to look at him.

"What if I don't want closure? What if I want you to rip my healing heart back open? What if I want you back?"

Cait stared at him for a moment, "Don't you think we should slow down? I mean a few hours ago we just saw each other for the first time in a year."

Ville chuckled, "That's fucking rich coming from you. I really want to know, Caitlyn. About when and where you fucked Matthias after you left. I need to know. I need to."

"Yes I slept him the same night you broke up with me. No, I didn't take him into your house."

Ville stared for a moment into the distance, processing. "Our house. That house is yours too and you know it." He mumbled.

"She doesn't live there with you?" Cait asked.

Ville contorted his face with disgust, "Fuck no. I barely allow her to sleepover." He sat down on the edge of the bed, smiled, still staring into the distance. "You know, aside from the fridge... I haven't touched the kitchen."

Cait smiled "In an entire year you haven't used the kitchen? Why does that not surprise me?"

Ville sat back down on the bed. "Everything is exactly how you left it. Pristine. Well. In the kitchen that is. Why did you deep clean the house before leaving, by the way?"

"Because... I wanted it to hurt. I wanted you to be reminded of who you left, and what you were missing out on."

"I knew the second I walked out the door, Caitlyn." He looked her in the eyes. "You didn't need to remind me, sweetheart. The fucking moment I stepped foot outside I knew I should have turned around. Turned around and grabbed you and held you an apologized for being such a massive fucking asshole to you."

Cait stared at him "Why didn't you?" Her voice barely a whisper.

"Because I was... a stupid petulant child. You were right." Another tear fell out of his eye. "I was possessive and jealous and selfish..." he put his face in his hands, elbows resting on his knees, in frustration.

"Ville I had just lost my dad. I was coming up on my first Christmas without him. I just wanted to spend time with my friends at the slopes so I could distract myself." Caitlyn explained.

"I know." Ville said quietly. "And trust me, everyone in my life reminded me and straight up told me I fucked up." He sighed heavily before continuing. "But I was so angry. And I was stubborn. I wanted you to beg for me back... and then I found out you fucked Matthias and I was pissed. My anger felt more justified. But I was also devastated. I knew deep down I had fucked up."

Ville paused, biting his lip closed his eyes, "But when I found out... when I found out you had you got engaged after we broke up... I'm not going to lie to you Caitlyn. I went home that night and thought of every way I could kill myself. I- I had a mental breakdown. I smashed furniture. I put holes in the walls... Mige came to check on me because I didn't get out of bed or answer my phone for 5 days after. I nearly gave myself alcohol poisoning and I had nonstop coke-induced panic attacks... He feared the worst and didn't want my parents to find me first."

"I'm sorry." Caitlyn whispered tearfully. "I wish I could say I never meant to hurt you but I did."

"You didn't hurt me, you destroyed me." Ville corrected. "But I deserved it. I should have married you myself when I had the chance."

Ville turned to face Caitlyn before continuing. "I had a ring for you, you know."

Caitlyn's face dropped, "You did?"

Ville nodded, "Yeah, I wanted to propose over the summer, but then your father died and I knew it wasn't the right time. And... fuck, I wanted to propose to you on New Years at midnight, on stage, at Helldone. I was more agitated than usual, hence the fight, and I started getting cold feet, and I broke up with you. When what I should have done was told you how much I loved you and how scared I was."

"Why were you so scared?" Caitlyn questioned. "I talked about marrying you for years. I wouldn't have said no."

Ville shrugged, "I'm my own worst enemy and I self-sabotage. You know that. You not coming home to spend time with me before tour pissed me off and in my mind, it was a sign that I shouldn't marry you. But I know how fucking stupid that sounds, trust me. Every one of my friends and family have told me how badly I fucked up."

"We're both really fucking stupid." Caitlyn mumbled.

Ville nodded in agreement.

"So what now?" Caitlyn asked.

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