amazingiraffe

[amazingiraffe]

My Devious Goblins

I know from the title you may think I am talking about children or pets in my life. But that is not the case here. I have two devious goblins, as I like to call them. Don’t be confused, because I have many more creatures that play a role in my life. These are the two that started it all, and made space for the other monstrosities in my brain.

One’s name is Depression, and she makes my life unmanageable. She crept into my life when I was just a little girl, around the age of 10. The first time that I noticed I had a new creature in my life was when my grandmother went into the hospital for dementia like symptoms and ended up passing away from diabetes and heart problems. She would whisper things in my ear like sweet nothings from a partner. She would tell me that it was okay to cry and feel the. sadness of losing a grandparent. But as the months carried on, so did she. Throughout the years and the hardships of life, she became more maniacal in the way she handled me. The self hatred set in, Depression telling me that I was a fat cow, that my height made the boys despise me, and that I would be alone forever. Through years of trauma and abuse, I felt like the only person who truly understood me was my devious little goblin Depression. She was always there for me, creating a comforting bubble of sadness and “safety” whenever I needed it. 

The other goblin is like an old friend, always making their presence known. Anxiety sauntered into my life years before I even knew what her name was. About a year ago I would’ve said that Anxiety has been a constant in my life for only a short amount of time. But after extensive time soul searching, I realized she has played a major part in my life since I was a child. My heart starts racing, pounding so hard I can see my heartbeat in my neck. My hands shake, my vision blurs, my breath quickens to the point that I feel as if I am about to pass out. That is when Anxiety has her gnarly claws deep inside the pit of my stomach, then slowly cuts through my chest and up my neck. The “what if” thoughts begin to play in my head on repeat. So many thoughts its as if I can’t hear anything else or my body will combust on the spot. I may look calm and quiet on the outside, but on the inside I am screaming and begging for relief. Once the gruesome attack on myself is over, I feel the self loathing and exhaustion take over. This is normally when Depression slinks in to fill the void left by Anxiety.

Anxiety and Depression are the best of accomplices. It’s as if on their free time they sit around drinking wine and gossiping about me as they made friendship bracelets for each other. Without one, the other does not have the same hold over me. These evil little goblins have control over me like no one else. When I travel, I feel anxiety build up about all the possible negative outcomes that could happen. Or I feel guilt for how privileged I am to be able to travel and I am spending the time fretting over some unknown possibility. It seems as if it is a never ending cycle.

While they have caused many hindrances on my life, I am thankful for my little devious goblins. I know how strange that may sound, but hear me out. Without Anxiety and Depression I would not be able to appreciate the good times. I would not have learned how to channel my empathic side to help others, or how to stop and smell the roses. I would have never learned how beautiful it was to sit by a creek by myself and be one with nature. There are days that I despise my mental illnesses. But without Anxiety and Depression, I would not be Allie. The strong, independent, emotional, loving, caring woman that I am today. And I am thankful for that every single day.

Until next time,

Allie

#depression and anxiety #goblins #mental health #fuck depression #fuck anxiety #c-ptsd #ptsdwarrior #i will survive

[amazingiraffe]

A Bit About Me

My name is Allie and I am 24 years old. I don't know where to start with my background, so I guess I will start with where I am at right now. As of this current moment, I am a social work major at my local community college and made the dean's list last semester. Don't let this fool you. I have not always been the best student. Some of my high school teachers would be surprised that I even made it into college. I've also jumped between my current major and nursing since I was 18 years old. The reason I stuck with social work this time was because I went through some traumatic shit a few months back.

In February of 2021 I lost my fiancé of almost three years to suicide. There are no words to fully explain the feelings that I had the moment that I was told that he was gone. Since then, I have moved back in with family and have been dealing with my own mental health. Since this event happened, I have struggled with anxiety, PTSD, and insomnia.

I wanted to have a safe space to share what I am going through and talk about my feelings. I hope that whoever finds this is helped by the words I write, and finds some strength as well. I am an open book and my DMs are always open. Please reach out if you need someone to talk to. And I promise that not every post will be sad and draining like this one lol.

Until next time,

Allie

#anxious #depression and anxiety #ptsdwarrior #trauma #mental health #dealing with grief #college life #student life #social work