caffeinejournalist23

[caffeinejournalist23]

We’re so haunted by our pain.

Can we enter and exit the haunted mansions of our past? Can we look demons and poltergeists in the face and tell them to fuck off? Can we distinguish the ghosts from the guests, the living from the dead?

It’s time to walk towards the bright light of the afterlife. It’s time to move on.

[caffeinejournalist23]

The Real Gotham; Year One, Interim

I think you have more faith in me than I have in myself in how this ends.

You know who I'll continue to be.

[caffeinejournalist23]

The Real Gotham: Volume One, Issue 1

It's been over 9 months since I moved to New York City and I've learned and observed so much - in both empowering and in painful ways.

For some reason, I thought moving to Gotham would just remind me of what I already knew - not make the shadows darker. Working for The Org has exposed me to a whole other side of corruption I had only fantasized about. The way supervisors cover for each other for severely breaking protocol, the toxicity of conservative higher-ups, the manipulation of subordinates subject to a poisoned system, the blatant disregard of mental health and employee wellness and the daring *audacity* to shame US for needing help/time off/etc. when we struggle, and to advertise the importance of mental health without providing any insurance coverage or appointment time for regular therapy sessions..

When I moved to Gotham, I knew - dare I say, I hoped - I would see the truth of real life in all its darknesses. I wanted to confront the maniacs and underworld King-Pins. I wanted to study Bruce Wayne and learn the rules of his world.

I wanted to continue becoming the Batman.

And in many ways I think all of my desires have come to be fulfilled, but I didn't expect to have to experience even more of the trauma that ignited Bruce Wayne's insatiable thirst for vengeance. I thought I had been traumatized enough, had witnessed enough. And more than any of that, I thought I could become the Batman without having to be Bruce Wayne first.

But the duality of hero and villain is ever-resounding through this vigilante narrative that has become my life; I have to be Bruce Wayne, serve [The Org like it's The League of Justice] when in fact it's a direct contributor to the villainous systems that oppress those that I'm serving. And to challenge The Org, to rattle the walls and puncture the ceiling of Bruce Wayne's offices, I have to risk getting called a villain between the whispers of very powerful people.

I know the path I have chosen; I know that my passion for vigilante justice in a cold world like ours makes the work for change exhausting. I know I sacrifice some sanity for this maddening hope that the world can get better, that we as people can be better before we become worse..

I've committed to this path where I hope that this work will make a positive impact, that my pain is worth it, and that empathy and revolution are not ideas lost in the myth and legend of 'the good ole days.'

But it's hard not to feel like a clown after delusionally hoping that Gotham's dark cloud wouldn't pour its toxic rain on me.

#therealgotham #socialjustice #shortfilmwip #documentary #caffeinejournalist

[caffeinejournalist23]

And I realized more even still,

Including the terrifying fact that

It wasn’t his rejection that I was so afraid of;

I’m just deathly afraid

Of not being pretty enough

Not being funny enough

Not being smart enough

Not being sensual enough

To ever

Have someone I love be attracted to me back

[caffeinejournalist23]

Like my lipstick

my blood stained my teeth as I smiled through pain,

as I smiled through agony.

The fracture of my heart proved that this was living,

That I was alive

And barely breathing through my sobs.

I felt my heart throb

The cut through my chest made my blood vessels pulse and twitch.

Every second I watched the world

New tears ripped shards of glass into my eyes.

Under my knees that gave out in the shock and torment

I feel the earth move

Spinning calmly

Turning slowly

Like everything continued in its circular course undisturbed

While I watched my corner of the world fall apart

Burn

Wither in rejection's chaos.

[caffeinejournalist23]

My thoughts

Are like spider webs.

They're beautiful and intricate

So cleverly crafted

I make it look easy

When really it takes a genius to keep up

People see my webs

And think they con replicate them

But when they try

they tangle themselves up

helpless and confused

too humbled or too entitled to respectfully ask for my help

[caffeinejournalist23]

he asked: why are you so mesmerized by your pain? and I answered: because in that pain I recognized the beauty of the person I truly was

[caffeinejournalist23]

he is nothing but a phantom in my mind

a shadow of where my heart once belonged

[caffeinejournalist23]

Poem against my ex

I stay gettin paid

You have no personality

Besides gettin laid

This clown prince

Of the patriarchy

He’s pushing me down the hierarchy

If I just close my eyes

And use my mind

Then I see the signs

He’s no good for me

[caffeinejournalist23]

And in the midst of all the hustle and bustle of New York City,

Between missed dates and late meetings and cold coffees

Under raised rents and above crawling creatures,

I catch my reflection in the subway’s windows

And finally

At long last

I am deeply in love with

and joyously in awe of

The life of the woman

with glossy eyes staring back at me.

#caffeinejournalist #poetry #coffeegirlaesthetic #new york city #nyc poetry

[caffeinejournalist23]

Afraid - of Boys in Blue

Times when I was afraid, feared for my life, sweaty and heart-pounding. 

Several times when I looked up in the high school hall and made eye contact with those distinct blue eyes. 

Once as I mounted the tall blue roller coaster ride.

And now as rumor becomes truth

And lie becomes gospel.

I fear for my life.

I fear for theirs.

But more than fear,

It is the yellow flicker beat that makes my heart hammer. 

[caffeinejournalist23]

#caffeinejournalist #poetry #blue #self love #love story

[caffeinejournalist23]

If you can deal with students full time, you can deal with anything.

Students will go from loving you to hating you and back again so dramatically and so quickly, I wish I had worked with students more before trying to date men in their 20s.

[caffeinejournalist23]

Maybe my high hopes were so overly optimistic that it sounded like I was high when I hoped them.

[caffeinejournalist23]

Why the World Needed 'Wakanda Forever'

I have seen almost every Marvel movie in theaters on opening weekend.. and I have NEVER cried so hard and I have never felt SO CONNECTED to fellow movie-goers.

!!!! SPOILERS AHEAD!!!!

So before we get into the deep-dive, let's do a quick recap of the smash hit sequel. Also disclaimer: as I am drafting this post, I have only seen Wakanda Forever once on opening night - I will most likely see this again in theaters (and/or I'll definitely re-watch it once it drops on Disney+) so if I'm missing some parts in this first initial review/deep-dive I will revisit it in a later post!

All OG Marvel fans are aware of how meaningful the iconic Marvel Studios comic-film intro can be - and Wakanda Forever uses this at full force; the theatre is heavily quiet as montages of Chadwick roll within the letter formations, and we see what looks like newspaper articles repeating T'chala's name, announcing his death. The deafening silence contrasts the intro that was used to honor the passing of Stan Lee - which opened 'Captain Marvel.' At my theater, no one said a word during the intro, then many clapped respectfully as the sequence concluded. Shuri tries to gauge T'Chala's health status via the suit, and she says to her mother after the funeral "how could I have not detected an illness was killing him" - which alludes directly to Chadwick Boseman's death; he passed from terminal cancer and no one was even aware he had been battling it all these years. In the bird's-eye view of the city during the funeral procession, we see a mural of T'Chala on a tall city wall; it is eerily similar to the mural in [x] honoring George Floyd. The film skips ahead one year. The Queen and Shuri are on an isolated beach to burn their funeral attire - meant to symbolize the end of the grieving period and the need to move on - when Daddy Namore (sorry, Daddy? Sorry - he's so hot) approaches the women from the water and offers a deal - that Wakanda ally itself to Namore's kingdom of [x] against the other countries attempting to steal their vibranium, or they go to war.

This movie is needed by the WORLD on so many levels; for one, this film is fully embracing the privilege and opportunity it serves for representation. A lot of the filming takes place in Haiti and Peurto Rico - nations which tend to be represented poorly and stigmatized as impoverished third-world nations; to quote a TikToker who goes by the name of [x], the shots filmed in Haiti demonstrate beauty and dignity - rather than perpetuating a negative poor image. When I think if Haiti, for a long time the only thing I could think of was that terribly destructive hurricane back when I was in elementary school - I think we might've had a fundraiser/donation drive at school to help aid survivors. I had been taught and primed to think that Haiti was destroyed in that hurricane, and heard no other narrative. The same can be said for Peurto Rico - I'm a film connesiuer and I can't think of a single film that enlightened me about what PR is like; the only thing I know/affiliate PR with (prior to this movie at least) is that it's a good vacation spot - according to a friend who took a spring break there.

This movie also brings a blood-deep taboo conversation to the fore-front; race war. Unfortunately, despite the similarities amongst colonized minority cultures, war and violence are not immune - as a multi-racial person myself, I can attest that race war is not solely reserved to white Americans and Blacks.

#wakanda forever #black panther #bucky x shuri #the black panther #wakandans #marvel #marvel cinematic universe #race war #representation matters #black voices #brownvoices #black directors #pocfilm

[caffeinejournalist23]

[caffeinejournalist23]

🌱✨

Such a huge self love/growth tip! I don’t know but I’ve noticed we - especially women for some reason - have a tendency to exploit ourselves or get extremely shy in these kinds of situations; it’s the fact that I and many of my gal pals resort to awkward laughing or hesitantly answering a personal inquiry such as this rather than questioning the integrity/caliber of the person asking us.

Never forget, if someone asks you an invasive question, you can always reply by asking them "do you think that's a normal thing to ask people?"

Do it in a super casual and cheery tone, like you were asking about their favourite food.