intoperspectives

[intoperspectives]

I feel like I need to pour.

Pour. Pour.

Spill. Flush. Gush. Stream.

There is so much inside of me.

Even when I feel devastated.

Empty. Overdone. Alone. Emotionless. Black. Hollow. Bare. Lost.

My heart beats fast. My breath accelerates.

It does so when I think. When I cry, when I dream, when I wish. There is so much deep down. Waiting. Holding back. Watching.

I feel like I've been waiting since that last mindless summer a couple of years ago. For what? That I wouldn't know.

But I do know that life got intricate. Knotty. Tricky. Baffling.

And then I coudn't think. Or dream, or cry, or wish.

Life stopped.

I stopped.

And I fell into this moldy, dark, uncomfortable place I tumbled into.

Not exactly homey.

The moisture makes me uncomfortable. The cold doesn't let me rest. The slippery rocks won't let me climb back up.

For long, I waited for someone to find me.

To come get me.

For someone to look into that unending pit I had fallen into.

No one did.

I screamed for days. Months. Years, actually.

For the longest time, it was hard to climb back up.

My feet kept slipping off those moldy rocks every time I tried to climb back up. My hands couldn't grasp with enough force. I was tired. Numb with cold and still rather taken aback from that hard fall I had taken into the pit.

My clothes were wet. I had somehow lost my shoes.

Silly me. I should've looked where I was walking.

It took me a long time to gather myself.

To rest.

To really rest.

To learn how to sleep properly, profoundly. And enough.

I learned to pick the harmless mold that would keep me nourished.

I got used to the cold - and somehow felt indifferent to it.

But after some time, I realized how much I missed the sunlight.

I just missed that feeling of getting warmed up.

When you feel your skin lose its coarseness. Its goosebumps. And then you can relax. You learn to give into the sunlight. To breathe in its beautiful cozy feeling.

So I decided to climb.

One last push. One last good try.

This is where you find me.

I've climbed for what feels like an eternity. My legs hurt. My back is tense.

But my arms have grown stronger.

My mind tries to let go of any hint of thought that suggests I should let go of the grip and just come back down, into the moldiness I've learnt to deal with.

I can see the sunlight now. I can see it at the very entry of this pit I've fallen into.

There are days I cry.

And it makes me happy.

I can feel.

I can climb.

I can dream. I can wish.

I can climb.

All I want is to reach out and feel the warmth.

But I have to keep climbing. Keep focusing on every single rock I grasp. Every next mount is just as important as the last one. One wrong clench and I could fall back down.

Go. Go, go go. Please go. Please reach out for the next rock. Hang on tight.

You're so much closer than you think you are.

Hold on tight.

You're almost out of the pit.

#Youtube

[intoperspectives]

@jessbrohier

[intoperspectives]

I've been debating on the idea that sex doesn't necessarily equals intimacy.

Oh, what an idiot.

I guess I needed to experience what I did to come back into this concept. What I was looking for was connection, care... love. I feel compassion for that girl. And I'm ready to nurture her myself - instead of looking for what I need on the outside world.

[intoperspectives]

“It is always important to know when something has reached its end. Closing circles, shutting doors, finishing chapters, it doesn’t matter what we call it; what matters is to leave in the past those moments in life that are over.”

—

[intoperspectives]

What makes a bad person? What makes a shitty person? What makes a person, someone you despise?

Why do we feel constantly attacked, under some sort of danger? Like we always have to keep a straight face, our actions and words in perfect order, otherwise we’re deeply judged and left behind?

What’s in our power to let go of these thoughts, people and situations?

#think #thoughts #personal #psychology #problem #thinking #meditating #question

[intoperspectives]

Also, resentment is completely unnecessary. It’s just poison. For you, obviously, because despite your feeling towards that person/situation, the only one going through that trauma, that discomfort and anger, is you. So even though you may wish the shittiest of things on others, it’s coming from you and therefore, doing you no good. So let go: it’s better for everyone.

Guilt isn’t too far from regret. I usually tend to replay situations and evaluate myself carefully. Surely, a very dangerous and distructuve practice. 

I think about how I relate to others: how I can be a better friend, how I think I may have taking advantage of others. Always feeling deep guilt and discomfort. 

There’s no real benefit to replaying those situations, to make yourself feel bad about things you did in the past. Granted, it’s important to pay attention, so that you don’t repeat your poor practices in the future, but letting go of both past and future, after all that greef or uneasyness, is incredibly important.

Maintaining that conversation and those feelings in your mind is simply unneccesary. Instead, try approaching those situations with grace, openness and gratitude. Whatever happened, occured to you for a reason: to teach you something. 

So letting the mind unwind and run loose, can sometimes be a simple solution.

Live in the present, cause that’s all there is. And don’t be too hard on yourself… forgive yourself! I am sure there’s a lot of good deep within. 

[intoperspectives]

Guilt isn’t too far from regret. I usually tend to replay situations and evaluate myself carefully. Surely, a very dangerous and distructuve practice. 

I think about how I relate to others: how I can be a better friend, how I think I may have taking advantage of others. Always feeling deep guilt and discomfort. 

There’s no real benefit to replaying those situations, to make yourself feel bad about things you did in the past. Granted, it’s important to pay attention, so that you don’t repeat your poor practices in the future, but letting go of both past and future, after all that greef or uneasyness, is incredibly important.

Maintaining that conversation and those feelings in your mind is simply unneccesary. Instead, try approaching those situations with grace, openness and gratitude. Whatever happened, occured to you for a reason: to teach you something. 

So letting the mind unwind and run loose, can sometimes be a simple solution.

Live in the present, cause that’s all there is. And don’t be too hard on yourself... forgive yourself! I am sure there’s a lot of good deep within. 

#guilt #regret #learn #psychology #think #personal #forgive

[intoperspectives]

I always feel like I talk too much, I laugh too loud, I am too big, I worry too much, I don't do enough. Cause I am. Cause I do. Cause I don't. Cause. Cause. Shut up.

[intoperspectives]

About 2019

I haven’t felt this inspired in a really, really long time.

To be honest, today I had one of those “Eureka” moments in which all those things you’ve been working on finally fall into place and it’s game time, basically.

I’ve always felt as if developing yourself in one area is a vague concept. I think humans are made to explore different disciplines and grow as a wonderful project. Because at the end of the day, you are your most important project.

So as I find myself finishing my bachelor’s degree in journalism, I want to explore other areas. I’m yet to fully decide on my next step, but I think it will be towards international politics, diplomacy, or just politics in its wide concept.

Maybe I’m having this moment to just come to terms with the idea of changing career paths, but I don’t see it as a change. I see this an evolution that would eventually happen. I am in love with the idea of learning and growing academically, and this is where it is taking me now.

And in this impulse of inspiration, I would like to put down my goals for this year, and share them with you. Why not?

-I want to continue my studies in French.

I’ve been in contact with the French language for a while now and I think it’s time to consolidate everything I’ve been working on. I recently passed the B1 test I would like to go further into the language and grow into it. Truth is, without even realising, French has turned into a tool I’m starting to manage and I want to be as confident as possible. I want to be fully confident with something that I want started as a hobby, as a project I started for the sake of it. Now I see I different potential to it.

-I want to figure out a bossa nova song on the guitar.

There was a song I heard when I travelled to Brazil earlier this year that completely captivated me. The sound, the energy, the lyrics; it takes me to a whole different world. I just love the feel of it. Bossa nova is a difficult genre to master but I think it will be a wonderful ride.

-Change my language.

This is two sided: I want to broaden my vocabulary in all my languages (though mainly English and Spanish), and all in all, be more eloquent. I think the better we express our ideas, the more we can make them happen. Learning how to communicate is one of the most important skills. No more vagueness, not more swearing or just talking for the sake of it.

And with this, I want to improve how I “talk to myself”; I want to be kinder with myself. Think with different words, see things differently. I want to be more positive.

-I want to be more connected to my body.

My whole life I’ve always invested my time and energy in my intellectual development, but now I understand the importance of balance: mind, body and soul. So I want to find some sort of activity that will help me get in touch with my body, get in shape, and feel healthier. I know my moods and motivations can sometimes fluctuate, but I think being more active could be of a lot of help.

All of this definitely involves having a better nutrition and just paying more tension to my health in general. I want to steer clear of alcohol and drink a lot more water. Eat my veggies and avoid meats as much as possible.

-I want to learn how to fly a plane.

I know this sounds crazy without any kind of context, but it runs in my family. My grandad and my dad are pilots so I have always been very close with the activity.

Growing up I’ve always avoided maths, physics and chemistry, because I thought it was no good. It took me a lot of time and effort and I just felt very frustrated with the whole thing. But to be honest, I just think I didn’t try hard enough because I felt so safe among history, geography, literature. Those subjects have always been my best areas so I thought I could excel at them and call it a day. In reality, I was just afraid of failure.

-I want to finish my degree.

I know this will take up most of my time, but I am ready to get done with it and take the next step.

[intoperspectives]

I’m always meditating about who I am and what I’m doing with it. If I want to twist and turn something, if I want to evolve into something different. Sides of me, of who I am.

These days I’m happy with myslef. Happier. I’ve grown, I’ve tried hard to change attitudes and aspects of my own self that used to hurt me. Some of them sometimes come back... But I always try my hardest to repel them back. I want to be myself, while being conscious with what my “self” is. I want to be comfortable with that. Secure. 

One of the things I have problems with is that kinds of people that have shitty intentions; those that don’t care about other people’s intentions, values, worth. I don’t have time for arrogant, mediocre people. And it’s quite funny because, all in all, when I come across them, they sometimes hurt me. It hurts to come across people that don’t have the slightest interest for being midly good people.

But I guess that comes hand in hand with self-worth, self-respect. With a strong mental state, actually. I shouldn’t have to be expecting anything from anyone that I don’t deposit interest, energy and love into. With time I realised self-love and having a strong mind means not expecting the universe to line up to your expectations. You are you, and you do your best to fulfill your own expectations, your own desire. The rest will be themselves regardless. Nothing more or less related to you. I think that’s a healthy posture about it.

Actually, I usually try to be super nice to people. I just think they shouldn’t have to be dealing with my own shit, with my bad day, with whatever. I was raised to treat people nicely. The thing is, sometimes I treat them too nice. And it’s strange cause, in my personal experience, sometimes that ‘being too nice’ is what pushes them away; what confuses people, in some sort of distorted way. I find that extrange. Maybe it’s because I live in a surrounding that people aren’t usually nice, so that’s not the way you’re expected to be. So by being nice, you repel them away. Funny.

Yes, it hurts when people are shitty, but you shouldn’t take it too seriously. You are you. Work on yourself. Be the kind of person you admire. That way you’ll -hopefully- drawn in people just like you. And when you come across shitty people, you’ll be guarded in your own ecosystem. You’ll be proud of your actions and thoughts. 

Let them be them. You are you. 

#meditation #perspective #thoughts #personal

[intoperspectives]

8 Myths about Happiness

1. I don’t deserve to be happy.

2. It’s selfish to want to be happy, or to prioritise your own happiness.

3. Others will find me irritating, and won’t want to be around me.

4. If I’m happy something bad will happen.

5. People will think I am superficial or not very smart. They won’t take me seriously.

6. I’d be happy if only I could have ….

7. Other people, or external circumstances, determine my level of happiness.

8. Misery’s more comfortable than happiness.

[intoperspectives]

Toxic people who are in denial love associating themselves with people who make them feel comfortable with their dysfunctional ways. Thats why I have the most respect for those who acknowledged their toxic behaviour and recovered/ changed. Not only are they mentally aware of the problem and value their future more than the discomfort of change, but they don't want to be a source of pain for others either. Accountability is a trait of the strong minded. All respect to you.

[intoperspectives]

New chapter.

Dear reader, tonight is an important night for me. 

I’m starting to stack some paperwork that will allow me to move on to a completely different experience. Turns out, I -hopefully- will be moving to Barcelona by August. This are beautiful and exciting news for me, because it means a lot more than what it seems. 

I’ve grown up in a questionable way. I mean, both my childhood and teenage years were decent (I grew up in a nice city with some proper education and cares) but in the past few years I’ve realized how much my surrounding compromise me and my wellbeing. In a nutshell, my family is composed by people, but some of them have difficult personalities; and some of them even psychiatric issues. All in all, I’m healthy and my situation is good -it’d be crazy for me to complain- but I am aware that life could be much better, if I took some decisions. And one of them would be to understand that it’s a good decision to take some distance from everything so I can grown into my own shoes.

Barcelona, to me, represents a magical opportunity. I’ll be able to start from scratch in a place that’s inspiring, artistic and positive. I want it to be that way. As an exchange student, I’ll be either living on my own or with a group of people, though the personal journey will be as enriching either way. I’m excited to see how I manage and evolve. I’m confident it’ll hopefully it’ll be into a much better version of myself. 

So, for all of this to work as I’d like to, let’s prepare. I’ll try to post updates on my journey every now and then, not only for whoever is readying (and hopefully can find any of this helpful for themselves) but also for me. Especially for myself. This will be a space where I meditate and reflect on the decisions I want to make. It’ll be a path towards much greater happiness. 

Here are some basic questions I’ll start to ask myself in these following days:

1. Which qualities do I find in others that I’d want for myself?

2. Which qualities do I find in others that I don’t want for myself?

3. Which qualities do I find in myself that I’d like to keep?

4. Which qualities do I find in myself that I want to get rid of?

5. How do I want to feel?

6. Who do I want to be?

7. How do I want to come across to people and myself?

8. Who will I be?

Apart from this, there are some other things I should take into consideration. One of them is the time I’ve got left to get everything sorted out. It’ll be four months, give or take.

I hope my process is well-thought-through, and implicates different areas and topics. From now on -into the rest of my life, haha-, I’ll try to change habits in health, both physical and mental. I need to meticulously scan who I am today so I can realize what I can arrange to feel better. For this, I need to examine my diet, my overall health, my self-care habits, the way I deal with my studies, how I approach productiveness, and how I work around others.

One thing I really want to get done is to read and learn more about psychology, both for personal and for social matters. Moving to this place opens a broad spectrum of possibilities, and maybe life turns around. It’s an opportunity for that to happen. So I want to be healthy, positive and conscious about the whole thing. I want to love myself and others in a way that life runs smoothly. 

Let’s go!

#personal #blog #life #update

[intoperspectives]

A quick rant I wrote on my main blog about something that was on my mind today. I apologize if it isn’t exactly well-writen. I vomited the words on the post and didn’t even read them. I had to get them out. 

I’m so fucking sick and tired of the amount of hypocrisy. And the fact that for some delusional reason, I’ve grown into a system of archaic beliefs and values that aren’t correlated to the reality, makes me sick. People don’t share my system; most don’t base their thoughts and attitudes on correctness, honestly, confidentiality or a powerful sense of trust and realness to their words. People say one thing and do other, agree to keep a promise -or even make them themselves- to then shit on them and do the complete opposite.

Surely, it isn’t my fault -or wasn’t until now- to think people should live and think on my same terms, but I was brought up on some kind of mystic bubble that assured the world functioned this way. Funny thing, those who taught me then were the ones to destroy their own words.

Actions are words are two different dimensions. We need to stop trusting the direct relation between them, because it’s not there; it’s nothing but an ancient philosophical convention that truth is that shallow link between words and actions. It isn’t. In fact, the truth is nowhere; it doesn’t exist. Truth be told, it’s nothing but a merge of different perspectives, fighting each other to cease in one fragile concept. 

So don’t try and match the words you listen to what you think things will turn out like. Granted, people lie, hide, hurt and betray. Be smarter than that and anticipate it. It doesn’t mean you shouldn’t listen or trust anymore, it just means you need to understand that between language and facts, there is a wide passage, where anything can happen. 

#pissed

[intoperspectives]

Me gustaría tomarme un momento para pensar en cómo me siento ahora mismo. Con el tiempo me di cuenta de que soy una persona sensible. Soy alguien que se nutre de su entorno, lo absorbe como una esponja y devuelve algo; probablemente en sintonía con eso que recibió. Y pienso que soy sensible a mis entornos y a quienes me rodean porque noto cómo cambio -por más sutil que sea-, mis estados de ánimo, motivaciones y pensamientos. Claro, tampoco soy completamente entorno-dependiente y me transformo autómaticamente en eso que me rodea; pero sí eso me toca de alguna manera. Sinceramente, considerando todo lo bueno y lo malo que conlleva ser así, igualmente no pienso que sea algo negativo. Sí, me ha hecho mucho mal en varias ocasiones ser de esta manera, pero como todo, hay que aprender a regularlo. Pienso que no existen los cambios radicales en las personas, hay cierta cuota de vos mismo que va a quedar ahí, con vos hasta el día que te mueras; pero sí podés moldear y modificar aspectos de esa parte de vos mismo. Por ejemplo, después de darte cuenta de tal lado tuyo existe y está ahí, hay que aprender a identificarlo como es, sin máscaras ni tachones; hay que empezar a prestar atención a las cosas que pasan, porqué lo hacen y cómo es que te desenvolvés en esa situación. Así vas entendiéndote, y de a poco -y con suerte- cambiando partes de eso que sos, hacia aquello que pensás que puede hacerte mejor, no en un sentido plástico y exteriorista, sino más bien interior y personal. Yo siento profundamente a la gente que me rodea. Percibo cómo se sienten, cómo están, y eso me repercute.  Es súper interesante cómo estar con ciertas personas hasta logra efectos físicos en mí. Hay quienes me dejan una sensación muy pesada en el medio del pecho; como una bola de villar justo en el corazón. Porque yo no puedo pasar por un lugar o una conversación sin prestar atención y absorber eso que está pasando. Claro, todos podemos ser tontos y banales aveces, pero queramos o no, cada cosa que hacemos queda un poco con nosotros. Agradezco mi sensibilidad porque es lo que me conmueve a cambiar situaciones; es por ejemplo, lo que me lleva a querer hacer cosas como voluntariado. Pero también entiendo que necesito regular mis niveles de absorción de mis entornos porque muchas veces no resulta saludable para mí. No puedo dejar que todo me pegue, arrastre y conmueva. Porque si eso es positivo, genial para mí, pero si es negativo, la bola de villar se pone un poco más pesada. Necesito aprender a limitar cuánto es que me influencia lo que me rodea, personas y todo. Porque varias no valen ese peso que se me agrega en el pecho. No valen ni un gramo. Y por lo tanto, no merecen estar ahí.

#pensamiento

[intoperspectives]

I can never feel genuinely comfortable. It’s like I can’t feel I’m enough. I’m unsuitable. 

You know when you find yourself fantasising about the future? How you'll look, where you’ll be, the company you’ll have and most importantly, how you’ll feel. I’m constantly there. I never feel like I accomplished what I wanted. I always feel like I’m underdressed, too fat, haven’t studied enough or too dull in a conversation. I go over it so many times, wondering how it could’ve been so much better. I’m awkward and definitely not cool. And I don’t want to but I can’t help it sometimes.

I shouldn’t have smoked. I should’ve worn the other t-shirt. I shouldn’t have eaten that. I shouldn’t have said that. I shouldn’t have done that.

And I want genuine and comfortable company; people with whom I can feel aligned to, properly understood. It doesn’t happen. I usually have shit friends. And those that are nice eventually end up fading away one way or another. I lose them. 

I am alone. I do have friends, but they aren’t how I would really like them to be. They’re self-interested. It sucks. 

I just want to get to a stage where I can feel somehow comfortable and secure; without so many double and bad tastes. I feel like that would bring the correct people into my life.

[intoperspectives]