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Unorthodox Upkeep

"Unorthodox Upkeep," an original work of fiction.

A young man activates an old android. Almost immediately, it begins to act… strangely.

Word count: 4,193 — Character count: 25,053 Drafted: April 16th – 17th, 2024 Revised: April 18th, 2024 —

Well, here's a type of story I've never done before. Yeah, seriously. I've never written a story like this. And I'm not just talking about the whole "old android in a junk shop" trope — though yeah, I've never done that, either. Regardless, I hope this story is enjoyable despite my inexperience.

Characters and concepts inspired by M4RTA and created by Jo Li

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Earth Colony 8088-A — otherwise known as "New Haven". An unassuming and uninteresting place on a moon abandoned by native residents of the galaxy. It's here that over 20,000 humans reside, work, and play. As part of the agreement with the galactic residents, the colony would trade some of whatever they manufactured with the inhabitants of the planet below, bartering for things that were unobtainable or could not be made in the colony workshops and farms. It wasn't always an easy life, there in New Haven, but it was what the people wanted. At the very least, it was an improvement over their previous lives of servitude and poverty under the iron fists of their tyrannical world leaders.

The colony boasted a thriving economy with farms that grew food on the outskirts of the region and a few small-craft manufacturing plants providing transportation. Other shops and factories existed as well, providing the colonists with everything they needed to enjoy life on the otherwise empty moon. As one drew closer to the core of the colony, however, it was far more likely to see shops selling clothing, appliances, and other smaller necessities and niceties. One shop, in particular, dealt exclusively in the trade of antique electronics and technology. Owned by a kindly old man and run by his son, it was less of a proper business and more of a tourist attraction. The shop did little business as most preferred to laugh at how "simplistic" or how "outdated" the devices on display were. That didn't matter, though. As it was, the kindly old man was independently wealthy and could maintain the storefront for the rest of his natural life. He simply wanted to share the things that made him happy with his fellow colonists and other visitors.

It was a calm evening as many people left their jobs to return home. As the antique shop shut down for the day, the old man got the attention of his son. The man had made a rather unique purchase that day: an old robot. He didn't know what it was originally made for as the robot had changed hands and had its data erased many times. The man wanted to sell the robot, so he tasked his son to repair and clean it from head to toe — something the son found daunting. The man argued that "kids like him" didn't know the value of good work, like usual, but added that he knew his son would be up to the task. As the old man left his son to see what he could do with the robot, the son groaned and begrudgingly headed into the back to see just what it was that he had been wrangled into.

Standing in the rear of the shop was an unusual construct. It had a specialized monitor mounted up top, analogous to a human head. It also had arms ending in human-like hands and legs ending in stubs. Additionally, it was covered in old metal, rusty in places, and wore a cloth "body sock" underneath acting like "skin" to hide its inner workings from sight and contamination. In short, it just seemed like a standard, humanoid labor robot. A closer look at its body revealed several loose and frayed wires and tubes where the parts of the "cloth skin" ended. The "skin", itself, was also a bit tattered in places, exposing some of what was supposed to be hidden and revealing even more damaged wiring. It seemed like the young man had his work cut out for him. He took a moment to call his girlfriend and cancel their date — something she did not appreciate, then he turned on the workbench lighting and began his work.

The first thing he did was to lay the robot on the workbench. He ran his fingers over the robot's casing, looking for some kind of access panel, and eventually found one. However, the data ports it used were severely outdated by modern standards. Once he was able to connect his modern scanner to the old robot via a chain of adaptors, he turned the device on and tried to remotely start the robot itself. Unfortunately, the robot lacked that kind of functionality. Like before, he started pawing at the robot, trying to figure out where its "On/Off Switch" was and, like before, he eventually found something archaic to fiddle with.

"Alright… Let's see if we can't figure out just how bad you're beat up…"

The man initiated the robot's start-up procedure. He was a little surprised when the robot's monitor immediately flicked to life but quickly found himself entranced as it seemingly went through a power-on self-test routine, not unlike very old computers.

"Initialized."

The man took a step back as the robot spoke in a stiff, vaguely feminine voice. He took another step back as the robot slowly sat up. Its monitor displayed a rudimentary image resembling a face of sorts. The monitor swiveled this way and that, then focused on the man.

"Greetings," it said with quiet excitement. "This unit is designated as — error." That robot didn't seem to notice its error. "Well," he said with a cheeky grin, "good morning, 'Error'!" "Negative," the robot stiffly replied. "This unit is designated as — error, not 'Error'." "Uh-huh." The man chuckled, stepping back over. "Go on?" "Specifications are as follows: this unit is a class — error — error robot, designed for — error," it announced as if nothing was wrong. It paused for a beat before politely asking, "This unit would like to politely request your designation and classification, humanoid." "My 'designation' is Diego Thompson," the young man answered while examining his device. "And my 'classification' is 'human shopkeeper', I guess." "Greetings, Diego, Son of Thomp," the robot cheerfully said, acknowledging this new information. "How may this unit serve you, today?" "Well, that kind of doesn't matter." Diego put on a straight face. "My pop asked me to fix you up. He plans on selling you here in the store. See, we deal in antiques — no offense." "I am an outdated model?" The robot's face twitched slightly. "Your data banks are corrupt and vital information seems to be missing," Diego continued, ignoring the robot's question. "Do you have a serial number? We don't want to sell you if you belong to someone else. Pop has a habit of 'accidentally' buying stolen goods…" "Frame serial number is unknown. However, this unit's artificial intelligence program does have version information available." It paused before announcing, "My artificial intelligence program is version 3.1.0, revision 3, and my operating system build is 7179." "That's… helpful. I guess?" Diego hummed. "3-1-0-3, 7-1-7-9… 'Eloetite'? No, that's terrible. Hm… Hey, how about we call you 'Romy' for now? That's 'R-O-M-Y'." "Acknowledged." It nodded. "This unit is now designated as 'Romy'."

Hearing the robot accept its new name made Diego smile. After a moment, he looked back to his device. He was eager to get to work fixing up the robot for resale. Sadly, his diagnostic tool was being slow — likely due to all the converting it needed to do. He decided to take another look at the robot while he waited, trying to spot anything unusual. As he looked closer still, though, he started to notice little intricacies about it.

Romy's humanoid shape was decidedly feminine. If it were a human being, it would probably be described as a "somewhat slender, modestly-curved adult woman". Its outer casing design seemed to reflect this idea, the upper plating being cut like a belly-baring tank top while the lower was trimmed to resemble briefs, both showing more of the cloth "skin" than would be practical. There were some markings on its rusted metal, too, which didn't appear to be maker's marks. "Tattoos", perhaps? Or graffiti? He wasn't sure. As he continued looking the robot over, he heard its voice ask him something in a softer, almost shy way. "Wh-why are you staring at this unit in such a way, Son of Thomp…?"

When Diego looked up, he caught Romy looking away. Its screen had turned slightly pink. Was it… blushing? Was it actually getting flustered by his gaze? He had to find out.

"No reason," Diego said with a knowing smile. "Just… admiring your chassis." He smiled more as he noticed Romy bring its arms up, clenching its hands under its "chin" and covering its chest plate. "A… a-acknowledged…" it whispered in a shier tone, turning its head completely away. The man chuckled. He hadn't considered that the labor robot might have had an emotional matrix, but since it did… "Why so skittish?" he teased, glancing at his diagnostic tool again. "I mean, I'm just analyzing your frame to see what needs cleaning and touching up. I want to rub and polish your exterior… make it shiny and new. Though, I suppose that at some point, I'm going to have to start removing pieces of your plating…" He paused, turning his eyes her way. "And maybe even get under your derma-cloth to fiddle with your insides…" "P-please… b-be gentle…" Diego blinked. "What?"

As he cocked his head, Romy finally turned back toward him. He immediately noticed that the pink tinge to its display was now reddish. Its digital face seemed visibly anxious, too.

"Th-this unit politely requests… re-requests a gentle touch," it quietly said. "I-if you are not careful and methodical about wh-what you touch or where, there could be unfortunate results. Wires crossing, resistors and capacitors being overburdened… Gears grinding and mashing as they speed up and slow down, completely o-out of sync… Y-you may even… short-circuit… this unit…" Vents opened along the robot's arms and legs and a small burst of hot air found its way out. There was another noise, too, but it was mostly masked by the rush of heat exhaust. "C-complete by accident, of course!" it clarified. "Please… be careful while… while… e-exploring the inner workings of this unit with your dexterous hands and limber digits…"

Diego looked at his device again. He noticed that there was a small, yellow warning symbol now. Upon tapping it, he read that the robot was starting to overheat. When he looked back up, he noticed that Romy was shivering and still occasionally venting air. He could hear her internal mechanisms working hard to cool her systems now. "Romy?" He tilted his head the other way. "Is there something you want to tell me?" When Diego looked up once again, he was greeted by an even stranger sight than before. Romy was looking right at him. Its screen was bright red, its pixel eyes were half-lidded, and its digital mouth was hanging open. It also appeared to be… panting? "Th-this unit has nothing f-further to say regarding the manipulation of its… p… parts," it said with some shakiness. "Th-this unit is s-simply concerned for its n-new owners and would not want to see one become injured or harmed while he… closely, thoroughly… examines its internal mechanisms, circuitry, and especially its wires…" It shuddered, tilting its head back. "P-please, do not rewire this unit incorrectly…" it said in an unusual, breathy voice. "Th-the mismanagement of this unit's wiring could lead to… to catastrophic results…"

A shiver ran down Diego's spine and he blushed. That last warning seemed to come out of Romy's hidden speakers like a purr. What was wrong with this robot? If he didn't know better, he would swear that the robot was trying to use reverse psychology on him. But, to what end? Surely, it didn't actually want him to fry its circuits? Did it? "What are you…?" he found himself thinking out loud. "Th-this unit is a class — error — error robot designed for — error," it repeated from earlier, trying to sound calmer. "This unit apologizes if its previous attempt to convey this information was not clear enough." "No, no, I got that…" He cleared his throat and rubbed his pink face for a moment. "It's just… well… Stop me if I'm out-of-line, but it seems like you're getting excited by the idea of me poking around inside you." Not even a second after hearing that, Romy ejected another heavy burst of hot air out of her vents, rattling the light that hung over the workbench. It quickly shook its head and brought its legs up to its chest, hugging them tightly as it turned completely away. "N-n-n-negative!" the robot exclaimed, sounding both startled and excited. "Th-this unit was designed for — error! This unit lacks the proper mechanisms and devices for directly interfacing with a humanoid in such a way! Please! Do not 'poke' this unit! You run the risk of severe injury were you to attempt something so… so… i-inappropriate…!" Diego blinked, cocking his head again. Despite the way Romy was protesting… there was no hiding just what it really thought of the idea. It didn't help that the robot was making a lot of assumptions about his meaning or intention, either. The whole situation was making him feel pretty awkward, too. "Though… i-if that is what you truly want of this unit…" Especially after it said that.

Romy slowly turned back toward Diego. It slid over to his side of the workbench to sit at the edge. There was an odd face on its monitor… It was continuing to "blush", but at the same time, there was a twinkle in its digital eyes. It also appeared as though it was "biting its lip". The overall look was somewhere between anxiousness… and invitation.

"This unit has been pr-programmed to obey the word of organic humanoids," Romy said before emitting what was unmistakably a little titter or giggle. "If you so desire to… 'i-interface' w-with this unit in such a way, then it sh-shall be done at your discretion and risk." It "bit its lip" again and shivered. Then, in a low, rumbly tone, it whispered… "Be as rough with me as you would like, Son of Thomp… I-I can take it…"

Diego deeply blushed, watching Romy sit there. From the look of things, it was easy to tell that the robot was still nervous… but at the same time, it seemed more than eager to allow him to "interface" with it, regardless of direct command or not. It was even laughing softly, now and then, and looking kind of girlish, its digits holding on to the edge of the table and its legs swaying back and forth. Everything about this felt wrong. Yet, a question came to mind… "How… would that even work?"

"W-well," Romy said with another girlish giggle, "from what rudimentary data this unit retains about humanoid anatomy, one should theoretically be able to l-loosen the codpiece of my… my protective plating, then—" "Okay, stop." Diego cut the robot off, making it pause. He took a second to calm down, growing increasingly red-faced from the implications of what Romy was suggesting. And yet, what it had said only raised further questions…

"D-didn't you say that you 'lacked the necessary equipment' to 'interface' with someone like me, o-or something?" he asked against his better judgment. Romy giggled again, her display warming. "Indeed, this unit lacks the proper… 'e-equipment'… for conventional means of 'i-interfacing' as organic humanoids do." "Well… then, how would we… you know…?" The robot giggled even harder, its display turning red again. "There is… something… you may be able to utilize." It paused before suggesting, "You could, p-perhaps, utilize my refueling port. It is located in approximately the same—" "Okay, stop!" Diego huffed… "Just… s-stop. Okay, Romy?" "Y-yes… that would be for the best…" Romy pulled its legs up to its chest again before quietly stating, "This unit does not wish for you to come to harm. But… this unit assumed that you were attempting to… engaging in a period of e-experimentation with, or had an interest in, a particular idea or activity with itself…" The robot looked over its arms, its face colored a soft pink and eyes showing innocence. "Was this unit mistaken? Were you not… 'flirting'… with this unit…?" "I… I wasn't trying to…" Diego quietly answered, his voice filled with confusion. "Oh… This— this unit… this unit u-understands…"

Romy looked away again, hugging its legs tighter to its chassis. Diego finally looked away as well, rubbing his arm. He wasn't sure why he felt so bad all of a sudden. If anything, he was under the impression that Romy was flirting with him, not the other way around. "H-hey," he said, drawing its attention back his way. "D-don't get me wrong… I kind of… I was teasing, but honestly, you are kind of attractive. F-for a robot, I mean?" "Oh…" Romy quietly giggled, its display showing a pink face with a soft smile. "But, um…" Diego smiled as well, blushing again. "I… h-have a girlfriend…" "Is she pretty?" "What?" The man blinked, looking right at the robot. It was looking back at him, its digital face showing genuine curiosity.

"This unit apologizes for its lack of clarification once more." Romy let her legs slide out of her grip and she leaned inward. "This unit is referring to your girlfriend. Is she pretty?" "I… y-yeah." Diego chuckled a little. "My girlfriend is pretty…" "Would you allow this unit to scan an image of her for reference?" "I…" The man tilted his head. "S-sure?" Diego set his diagnostic tool aside, ignoring it completely as he reached into his rear pocket. He then withdrew his wallet and opened it up as Romy watched. "This unit observes that you are in possession of… a prophylactic!" the robot said with another small giggle. "H-how exciting!" "A what?" Diego asked as he retrieved a small picture from the wallet. "A prophylactic!" Romy repeated. It paused, then, before adding, "Oh! This unit apologizes once again for its lack of clarification. The term 'prophylactic' is largely used within the United States of America on the planet Earth. It could be considered 'slang'. The globally recognized term for the item this unit has observed would be 'condom'." The man deeply blushed. He had put his wallet away while Romy was talking, but that didn't change the fact that it was right. "Y-yeah…" he said, looking to the side. "I h-have a condom. What of it?" "This unit meant no disrespect in its observation," Romy answered with a soft frown. "This unit was simply… thinking aloud." The robot softly giggled again. "A condom would be very useful if you were intent on 'i-interfacing' with this unit… I-it… would mitigate the risk of electrical shock." Its display warmed and it "bit its lip" yet again. "Additionally, this unit c-cannot provide l-lubrication in areas where it would be optimal to 'interface'… If that sheath-shaped barrier device is of the 'lubricated' variety, i-it would make things considerably easier for one to do 'that sort of thing' with this unit…" Diego continued to blush as he quietly stared at Romy. Part of him couldn't believe that it was still thinking about "interfacing" with him… He started to speak when Romy interrupted. "R-regardless, that is neither here nor there!" It smiled, calming itself before asking, "May I see the photograph of your girlfriend, Son of Thomp?" "Wh-what? Oh, um…" Diego cleared his throat. "Y-yeah, sure. Here."

Romy politely accepted the picture, grasping it gently with her digits. It brought the image up, closely examining it. After a moment of observing, it returned the photo to Diego. "This unit has no concept of 'beauty' in the context of the preferences of organic humanoids," it admitted with a soft smile. "However, this unit can see the appeal of this humanoid and how she could be ideal as a partner for sexual interactions. She is… curvy!" Diego deeply blushed again. "I-I'm not sexually attracted to— I-I mean…!" "Sexual attraction is an unknown variable to this unit," Romy said as Diego stammered. "However, if this humanoid is the sort of thing that causes physical arousal to you…" "I didn't say that! Stop putting words into my— hey… Wh-what are you…?" The man leaned back, staring in surprise. The robot was doing something weird, again. Its digital display had gone completely black, though the screen was still on. He could hear the robot's internal mechanisms working again. He finally looked over at his discarded device, hoping to find an answer of some kind. Unfortunately, all it was telling him was that the robot had 57 different problems of varying degrees of urgency. "Diego?" Diego looked back over. Not long after, he went wide-eyed. The robot's display had turned back on, but it wasn't displaying its usual, pixel-styled face. Rather, it was displaying the face of his girlfriend.

"Hello, Diego," the robot said, trying to sound more "human". The face on the screen warmly smiled before the voice said, "I see you're hard at work, like always." "Amanda…?" He narrowed his eyes. "No, you're not Amanda…" "But, this unit could be!" Romy said in its usual voice. "If— if that is what you desire!" "What the hell is wrong with you, Romy?!" Romy visibly flinched. Its display instantly flickered back to the usual, simple face and it leaned away from Diego, its body language suggesting fear. "Th-this unit…" it started to say. When nothing else came out, however, Diego spoke up. "Seriously! What's wrong with you?" he said, his voice showing concern despite his anger. "Are you coming onto me, or are you just screwing with me? Why do you want me to do that with you? You're a robot and I'm a human! We're… we're…!" "I-incompatible…?" "Yes!" Diego threw his hands up. "We're incompatible! So why are you so intent on trying to get me in bed with you?! Or, am I somehow misinterpreting your over-the-top and clumsy attempts at seduction?" Once again, Romy seemed at a loss of words. Its digital mouth opened, closed, and opened again. When it finally spoke, its voice was shaky and timid. "Th… th-this unit… This unit ap… apolo… apo…" Its voice cracked and it looked away. "I'm sorry…!"

Diego blinked, leaning back. The anger drained from his face as he watched the robot curl back into itself and bury its monitor into its knees. There was no denying that his outburst had genuinely hurt the robot's feelings. Romy was trying to hide it, but it was actually crying — or replicating the sound and motions of crying, at least. He rubbed his arm, pondering what to do next. In the end, he did the only thing he could think of… and pulled the robot into a hug.

Romy audibly gasped, much like a humanoid would. It looked up from its knees, the image on its display mimicking a crying human face. When it saw Diego offering a comforting smile, it felt its metaphorical heart skip a beat. Slowly, it leaned in and wrapped its arms around the man, letting its display come to rest against his shoulder. "You're so warm, Diego…" it whispered in awe. "So are you," Diego whispered back with a chuckle. "We need to work on upgrading your ventilation systems…" The robot softly giggled before snuggling a little closer. Its display warmed and glowed a soft shade of pink, and its body relaxed against the human. "I… th-this unit likes this feeling…" Romy replied, gently squeezing its human friend. "This is… satisfying. On an 'emotional' level." Diego chuckled. "Hugs usually are, Romy." The two went quiet, simply enjoying the moment together. Afterward, they slid apart, Romy staying on the workbench as Diego stood back.

"This unit— I mean… I… I'd like to apologize, Son of Th— Diego," Romy said, attempting to sound less formal. "Uh… this unit politely requests permission to address you by your given name. Please?" Diego chuckled. "Granted. It sounds better than 'Son of Thomp', anyway." Romy softly laughed, its smile warming. "And… it's okay," Diego continued. "I'm sorry I got mad at you. I'm just… not used to robots finding me attractive, I guess." "This unit…" The robot "blushed", looking up. "This unit… lacks the capacity… to…" It paused again, looking away before looking back. "This unit cannot explain the physical attraction or the excitement it feels with the prospect of being a-analyzed, modified, a-and repaired by an organic humanoid such as yourself… Is this part of this unit's core programming? Or, did this unit acquire this feeling over time? This unit cannot say. What this unit can say, however, is…" It paused once more, offering a soft smile. "This unit apologizes for any misconceptions or misunderstandings. And, this unit wishes to apologize for making you uncomfortable, Diego." "W-well, um…" The man nervously laughed and rubbed his arm. "If we're, you know, being perfectly honest with each other… a part of me is kind of… curious, now?" "D… Diego?" The robot's display turned a soft shade of red. "I-I mean… like I said. For a robot…" He shyly grinned. "You are kind of cute…" At that, Romy's display turned bright red and it vented another heavy burst of air from its body. Understandably, that got a hard laugh from the man. She really was a cute one…

#questionable #fiction #original characters #slice of life #science fiction #drama

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