live-on-purpose

[live-on-purpose]

meet me under the stars ✨

[live-on-purpose]

I love you. I hate you. I can’t live with you. I don’t think I can live without you.

Each day that goes by I try and believe you don’t hold so much weight over me. But when I don’t have you, I struggle to take on the world. I find it harder to just get on with things. The mornings are a fight I can only just win. The monsters don’t lurk under my bed, for my bed IS the monster. Pinning me down, trapped between vivid dreams and blurry eyed glimpses of a reality I don’t want to be awake for. Every side glance from a stranger is a reason to stop breathing. Pushing me to get as far away as possible to escape an all-encompassing fear. Every stare leaves me wondering what it is that is so intriguingly wrong about me.

Every smile takes a hundred times more effort and every vacant expression on my face feels like home. Exercise feels all the more vital to the success of the day, but building the courage and motivation to do it in the first place takes three times as much mental effort. Songs sound more colourful, but only because I enjoy the melancholy of them. I can cry, but there is more to cry about. I can love, but I am quick for that love to consume me, for better and for worse, failing to remember everything else that is important to me. I can feel, but I can feel too much, falling into bouts of anger and frustration. I’m impatient and I’m unyielding, gripping onto a thought or a situation without letting it go. I’m up and down like a yo-yo, constantly swaying between both extremes instead of holding steady. The uneven ground allows any tiny gust of wind in my sail to send me tumbling off course. I build up a strong hatred for myself, and I can hurt myself both physically and mentally. And I doubt everything I am, more than ever.

I can write songs. I am more creative. And it’s beautiful, but it is mournful at the same time. The only reason I’m writing this is because I stopped taking you, again. Because I’m sad, and I’m contemplative, and I don’t know what the right thing to do is. Because I can have all these things. I can feel more. But I feel like I’m always on the precipice of tipping over. Running away from everything again. Of feeling like my entire value has exhausted itself.

So I could go back to taking you…

When I have you, so much is good. Taking on the day is easy. I don’t become stressed at the little things. I don’t become nervous or anxious. I love myself more and believe in myself. But, I forget what it means to love others. The people closest to me. The person closest to me. I can love, but loving doesn’t come naturally. I have to force it. The little things. The touches, the trickles of appreciation, the need for intimacy, the longing looks, the excitement for a future, the building blocks of a relationship. It disappears, as if I’ve outgrown myself. And don’t even get me started on what you do to my sexual landscape, especially when you separate sexuality from love entirely. Whether I am with you or without you, the fabric of my inner being is simply unrecognisable to each other.

I’ve doubted this for a long time. Surely, a medication that makes me happier and more in control and more worthy to be alive should help love to grow. But it blunts my feelings, so that I can’t feel much either way. Most days, this works for me. When I feel myself falling into the abyss it feels like the parachute is pulled, every time. I get back on with my day. I can even make do with how an exciting moment will be constantly overlooked by a potentially more exciting moment in the future. The grass can always be greener as long as it doesn’t negatively impact me.

But, through this, I can’t fully love the person I want to love. I am half a lover. I am half a partner. At best. I would drop everything to be there for them, yet when I give them my time I want to be on my own. Without medication, they are everything, and I don’t need more. With medication, they are everything, but I want something different. I can’t be the partner I want to be. I feel selfish, I feel unappreciative of what I have. It’s not my fault, but it is important to weigh up the hurt for everyone involved.

So, I don’t want you. And I do want you. I’m not entirely myself with you. I’m not entirely myself without you. I feel more myself with you, but I lose a huge part of myself without you.

Which way of living is more true? Is better for me? Is better for the people closest to me? Should I try both living with and living without you, with no limits and no apologies? To fully embrace each extreme? What, or who, will I have to lose in the process?

Help me out.

Sincerely,

Your ever-devoted and non-devoted client, Alex.

#antidepressants #dopamine #love #depression #open letter

[live-on-purpose]

📚✨ 2020 BOOK COLLAGE ✨📚

A few days late as I had to wait until I finished a multiple of 6. But here is my complete end of year book grid!

Last year I read more books than I ever have in a single 12 months.

This was partially (mostly?) due to the lockdown, but also because I prioritised reading more than ever. In the past I’ve always felt guilty about getting my head stuck in a book since I’ve always felt there were more important things to do. I FINALLY got rid of this silly belief and found an incredible joy in reading that I haven’t before. And for a year in which I had to challenge my beliefs, question everything and explore myself, it was essential.

I got so busy with life by the end of the year that in the last 2 months I only read a couple of books, and now my bookshelves are bursting at the seams. I cannot wait to get stuck into some fab reads again in 2021!

My absolute top 5 from this year were:

Daisy Jones & The Six - Taylor Jenkins Reid

Mind the Gap - Dr Karen Gurney

Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge

Boys & Sex - Peggy Orenstein

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex - Angela Chen

See below for a full list:

One Day in December - Josie Silver

*Looking for Alaska - John Green

Where The Crawdads Sing - Delia Owens

The Happiness Hypothesis - Jonathan Haidt

The Little Teashop on Main - Jodi Thomas

Love - Leo F. Buscaglia

Eat Pray Love - Elizabeth Gilbert

Surrounded by Idiots - Thomas Erikson

Countless - Karen Gregory

All Along You Were Blooming - Morgan Harper Nichols

Daisy Jones & The Six - Taylor Jenkins Reid

Period. - Emma Barnett

Amy and Roger’s Epic Detour - Morgan Matson

Normal People - Sally Rooney

The Giver of Stars - Jojo Moyes

Mountains of the Mind - Robert Macfarlane

The Flatshare - Beth O’Leary

Londoners - Craig Taylor

More Than This - Patrick Ness

The Silent Treatment - Abbie Greaves

Mind the Gap - Dr Karen Gurney

The Wild Remedy - Emma Mitchell

The Couple Next Door - Shari Lapena

Me and White Supremacy - Layla F. Saad

How To Argue With a Racist - Adam Rutherford

This Is Going To Hurt - Adam Kay

Why I’m No Longer Talking to White People About Race - Reni Eddo-Lodge

My Dark Vanessa - Kate Elizabeth Russell

The Silent Patient - Alex Michaelides

Conversations with Friends - Sally Rooney

The Invisible Orientation - Julie Sondra Decker

Second Chance Summer - Morgan Matson

Women Don’t Owe You Pretty - Florence Given

The Man They Wanted Me to Be - Jared Yates Sexton

White Fragility - Robin DiAngelo

One of Us is Lying - Karen M. McManus

One of Us is Next - Karen M. McManus

How To Be Comfortable With Being Uncomfortable - Ben Aldridge

Come As You Are - Emily Nagoski

Dear NHS - Adam Kay

Mama’s Boy - Dustin Lance Black

The Good Immigrant - Nikesh Shukla

The Sober Diaries - Clare Pooley

Boys & Sex - Peggy Orenstein

The Two Lives of Lydia Bird - Josie Silver

Delivered from Distraction - Edward M. Hallowell and John J. Ratey

The Simple Guide to Attachment Difficulties in Children - Betsy de Thierry

The Simple Guide to Child Trauma - Betsy de Thierry

Explaining Humans - Camilla Pang

Ace: What Asexuality Reveals about Desire, Society, and the Meaning of Sex - Angela Chen

Girls & Sex - Peggy Orenstein

Home Body - Rupi Kaur

The Unexpected Joy of the Ordinary - Catherine Gray

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox and the Horse - Charlie Mackesy

*denotes having read previously

(NB this list does not include unpublished works).

[live-on-purpose]

2020,

You were very good to me.

I am grateful for my health as well as the health of the people close to me.

I am grateful to have a stable job and a permanent home.

I am grateful for the beauty and the sunshine around me found in nature, family, friends, words, music and kindness.

I began the year on the ocean surrounded by crowds of people, blissfully unaware of the meaning of social distancing.

I end this year with fewer experiences than intended, yet with priceless education and perspective.

I learnt more this year than I have in recent years.

You gave me clarity where I didn’t know I needed it.

You were enlightening to my soul.

You taught me patience.

You taught me to challenge my beliefs.

You taught me to question everything.

I explored my sexuality and became increasingly comfortable with who I am.

I accepted and trusted my femininity.

I dug up past wrongs and made them right.

I allowed relationships to grow.

I learnt to forgive.

I spent so much precious time with my girlfriend, exploring our mutual interests and passions.

I spent many happy days cruising with my Mum over the pond.

I fulfilled a life-long dream to swim with dolphins.

I endured a very stressful journey home.

I learnt about white supremacy and how my privilege sits invisibly and detrimentally in our society.

I had many different conversations about racism, sexuality and more.

I embraced the long summer days.

I found a new freedom on the two wheels of a bike.

I entered the autumn season with huge comfort.

I celebrated my second anniversary with my other whole.

I started a new, enriching and career-building job.

I moved into a new home.

I had my first Christmas in my home country in three years.

I read 55 books.

I ran over 1000km, the most I’ve run in a year.

I ran my first ultra-marathon.

I reconnected with nature.

I walked the Cotswold Way solo in 4 days.

I had many outdoor explorations up hills, mountains and behind waterfalls.

I completed my third year alcohol-free.

I found joy in the ordinary.

I expect the new year to bring more of the unexpected.

Let me be at peace with this adventure into the unknown.

Hello 2021.

[live-on-purpose]

🌸 1000 DAYS ALCOHOL-FREE 🌸

Twenty-four thousand hours ago

You lost a flame that gave you hope

A million ways, or so it seems

To fly, to laugh, to cry, to scream.

It broke your heart, left you for dead

You never could get out of bed

The battles lost, the time you gave

To chasing dreams like you were brave.

But you were not the party type

You swore by drinks to steal the hype

And confidence became so fake

There was no way to hit the brake.

You hid yourself behind the shade

Of someone who was not afraid

And you could never love yourself

If they could never give you help.

So many nights spent on the floor

Yet still the one you did adore

The bottles clink, the cameras flash

With little care to spill the cash.

The sun before the moon did rise

A danger never known by size

But many years it takes to mend

The poison you once called your friend.

And now the mornings, they are yours

No matter if the rain, it pours

You finally start to feel again

And every drop is not pretend.

You feel exposed, you bare your all

You’re naked and you feel so small

But you are learning day by day

To find your truth, and how to play.

So yes, you’ll feel emotions raw

But it is worth it to explore

The beauty of the purer soul

You won’t be numb, and you’ll be whole.

Now this is not a passing phase

To see this through a thousand days

So bring me more, the months, the years

Because, at last, I’ll face my fears.

[live-on-purpose]

WHY IT MATTERS THAT I APOLOGISED

Since my last blog post, I have had a number of messages saying that my original post was not offensive and not inconsiderate, and that I shouldn’t have been forced to take it down.

Firstly, I was not pressured into taking it down, or even asked to. It was my own idea and a decision that came of my own accord once I fully realised and accepted my actions.

Secondly, this is about much more than me.

I want to tell you why I believe it was offensive, and why it was inconsiderate, even though it can be very complicated to comprehend. I have separated this into a variety of themes and questions that I have been asked about:

Was it wrong to feel insecure about my sexuality and speak up about it? It was/is not wrong for me to feel insecure about my sexuality and to express it. I do not regret speaking about it, and I hope to continue discussing it to a greater extent. What was wrong was the way in which I did it. Even though a lot of people did not see me as straight, I am still a sexuality that is favoured in society and is not discriminated against. I should not have used the method of ‘coming out’ that is used by the LGBTQ+ community, since they have fought for their right to be accepted and acknowledged. It was almost a ‘shock’ method to get my point across which is in turn inconsiderate to the LGBTQ+ community.

How should I have spoken about it? The themes that most related to people from the original post were toxic masculinity and patriarchal stereotypes, and at the time I was not particularly aware of these issues. If I were to write the post now it would be based around these subjects. I hope to speak about it in a future blog post, and share how the repercussions of toxic masculinity have affected my life.

Why was it wrong? I should have realised the bigger picture. Even though it felt like the system was turned on its head for me, that I felt I needed to ‘come out’ the other way round, I was coming out as a sexuality that I will not be discriminated for. I received no hate messages or comments against my sexuality from that post, which would have been much more likely if I were to honour my sexuality as anything other that straight. In a more extreme (yet unfortunately true) example, I would never be killed for openly expressing my straight sexuality in any country. These struggles are something I will never quite understand and I must not pretend that I do. However, what I can do is understand culture diversity by educating myself, and support all sexualities in the continuing progress of being given the freedom to present their true selves.

How did I not successfully prove my point? For a large number of LGBTQ+ people, they are pressured to come out as they are already seen to be ‘different’ and people have questioned their sexuality. The approach in which I wrote my original blog was of someone who was seen as the opposite to what they are, and whilst this is the same commentary for many members of the community, that is where the similarities end between my situation and any LGBTQ+ coming out. In both LGBTQ+ scenarios, the person is often very fearful to come out due to what being part of that community will mean in their day to day life, as well as the discrimination they are opening themselves up to and what opportunities could be taken away from them. The sexuality I was presenting was never going to be something I was attacked for or lose opportunities for, and that is the key difference. No matter how I was treated before my ‘coming out’, no one was going to hate me for what I told people I was. The manner in which I wrote the blog was not respectful for these reasons. Being ‘out’ for me means I’m lowering my restrictions and discrimination in the world, however if I came out as a member of the LGBTQ+ community, I would be heightening it. As I am straight I can visit any country in the world. If I was gay, that freedom would be hugely restricted, and my true self would not not just be unwelcome by many, but I would be actively segregated.

What about the straight people who are vilified for acting ‘gay’? Did I not speak for them? A large number of straight people have been subject to abuse for acting ‘gay’, however we have to understand why they are treated like that in the first place. Being seen as gay has had negative connotations for a lot of people for a long time, and that stems from discrimination and a historical hatred of LGBTQ+ people. I made the issue about me when actually it is a lot deeper. What I should have been talking about is toxic masculinity and redefining what it means to be straight, instead of telling people I’m straight so I wouldn’t be called gay. I disliked being called gay since it was not a true description of who I was, but coming out as straight is me trying to make all those problems disappear, when for the LGBTQ+ community they will never disappear until the world has fully accepted them in society. It is so easy for us (and for me in the original blog) to see being called ‘gay’ as a singular problem, as if one thing is good and another is bad and that it can be solved with a surface level clarification. Really we should be fighting to change how people think about sexuality and gender, to break free from stereotypes. If I had said ‘I am straight, however I want to challenge why being seen as gay is bad in the first place, and what it actually means to be straight’ that would have been a much better angle to go by. The original post I made was out of retaliation and basically had a ‘I need to be seen as this right now because I’m fed up of being seen as that’ perspective. The way I went about it hurt people because it was so easy for me to recognise myself as a sexuality that is already represented fully in our society.

What’s the bottom line here? The bottom line is, when someone comes out, they are opening themselves up to a world where they will be discriminated against. It is to tell people what they are and try and win support of any kind because this is going to be hard for them in the long run. That is what coming out means and why it is done. However, my coming out meant I was opening myself up to a world where I would be discriminated LESS. I was making my life EASIER in the long run by saying this. Yes, people close to me saw me as something I didn’t and I in turn questioned my sexual identity, but this is an entirely different ball game to accepting yourself as a true minority.

Why would I embarrass myself by saying I was wrong? We are always growing and I believe it is essential to challenge our past views and actions if we want to become better people in this world. I cannot sit around knowing I have hurt the people closest to me and it was imperative to make things right by educating myself. It was hard to completely debase myself but totally necessary since my perspective is much larger now.

What now? I encourage everyone and anyone to accept where they may have gone wrong as this is the first step to building a stronger and more just future. We are so quick to find reasons for our mistakes and are scared to show our fragility in the fear that it will make us vulnerable. The majority of us have been raised not to question our thoughts and our actions since our pride is grounded as one of the most important things to us. In doing so we fail to point out our flaws when it is necessary, unconscious to one of the most valuable aspects of our humanity; our ability to acknowledge our mistakes and do better going forward. I truly believe this is one of the most assertive and significant actions one can make to develop as a person in order to accept change and recognise the world we live in. We cannot rewrite the past, but we can rewrite the future.

See original apology: https://live-on-purpose.tumblr.com/post/621744027733196800/at-the-end-of-2017-i-wrote-a-blog-post-called

[live-on-purpose]

At the end of 2017 I wrote a blog post called ‘Coming Out as Straight’. It has now been removed from my blog.

I sincerely apologise for and deeply regret the lack of consideration I gave to the LGBTQ+ community before posting it publicly. The terminology and the wording I used, especially in order to title the post is not one I stand by today. I am embarrassed and accept full responsibility in admitting I was not educated on the implications and consequences it would have, and how easy it would have been to act out of more respect.

This is something I have put it to the back of my mind for a long time since my intentions were never to hurt or offend anyone. Thankfully, I have finally found the awareness and the guts to retract my previous sentiments and I am sorry for the time it has taken to do so.

In context, I was fed up. I was angry. I hated being seen as something I was not. It was easy to see myself as a minority for all the wrong reasons. I wrote the post because at the time I suffered from hatred of myself and what I was. I did not fit into the LGBTQ+ community. I felt I wasn’t a stereotypical straight person. I didn’t know how to be myself without being seen as something that I was not. I wanted to be controversial because I felt controversial in my sexuality. I felt entitled since it had provoked my depression. However none of this is excusable, or makes what I did right in any shape or form.

In the years preceding writing the blog post, I was surrounded by what seemed to me like more LGBTQ+ than straight people. It baffles me today that in all that time I did not educate myself with the history and the culture of the queer community. ‘Coming out’ as straight is demeaning to all the people who have struggled to find representation for their widely unwelcome sexuality and have used this method to express it to others. ‘Coming out’ as straight was embodying something I was already allowed to be, no matter if others saw me differently. It was not my celebration and recognition to have, and should never have been my own. Now accepting the straight privilege I have grown up with, I acknowledge that this was not the dialogue I should have used and I should have written the post from an entirely different approach.

For many years I have tried to neglect sexuality and see everyone as ‘just people’. I have challenged this belief and in doing so have realised that me accommodating sexuality blindness devalues the struggle LGBTQ+ people have gone through to have increasing acceptance in society today. To continue fighting for humanity and all sexuality minorities I must ‘see’ and celebrate all sexualities and the history of their recognition and foundation in our world.

I must also note that due to defensive and difficult conversations regarding the blog post and the repercussions it had, I am ashamed to say I started to resent the LGBTQ+ community, its actions and what it stands for by distancing myself from it. I tried to find ways to hate it and find fault in it to make me feel better, and I will never forgive myself for it. I apologise about the impact of this and I now wish to make amends for it.

A couple of years ago I turned down an invite to Pride in Brighton for my birthday, since I believed I shouldn’t be stealing the ‘spotlight’, and that it wasn’t my story to tell. I believed that going to Pride would make me uncomfortable because I would celebrating something I was not and didn’t have any place to honour. Ironically, if I had greater understanding I would have known that the more people who attend Pride, the more acceptance there is for a minority group of people, and I would have gained a deeper insight into what it means to be one of the large number of people I know who are not straight. Looking back, I realise I was scared. Scared because really, I did not understand what I’d be getting myself into. I was scared since I didn’t have a reason to go as my life had been easier than some. I was scared because I didn’t want to be the minority. I was scared because I didn’t want to be seen as gay when I was trying my hardest to be seen as straight. I was uneducated about the enormity of Pride, and I am shameful about these feelings today.

I wish I could turn back the clock and rewrite what I did and everything subsequently. However, I am learning from my mistakes and I will go into the future trying to make better decisions, and give more time to creating deeper understanding in order to fully support the LGBTQ+ community.

I am learning to be better, and to do better. Striving for perfection is not my ultimate goal, but hurting the least number of people along the way absolutely is. So now I fight to re-establish what it means to be straight and to demolish the stereotype, which is what I should have been fighting for all along. I should have been rewriting the rules of my sexuality without hurting anyone in the process.

This may come as a surprise for some since I was dumbfounded by the number of positive comments and messages I received in regards to the post over two years ago. At the time, each one made me feel a little bit better about what I had done, but did little to cover over the guilt I felt from the negative feedback I received. To this day I have never been able to ignore it.

To all the people I have hurt in the posting of the blog, I am sorry. I have still got a long way to go to absolve myself, if I ever will. It is essential for me to be an ally as I strongly value what the LGBTQ+ community stands for, and what it explores in embracing who we are. It is especially important to educate the people around me as well as my future children about LGBTQ+ matters and other topics of discrimination, and so I will continue doing the work. 

From here on, I will not apologise for who I am, but I profoundly apologise for the way I have expressed it in the past; in writing, in person, and otherwise.

I hope to repair the damage I have done as best I can.

[live-on-purpose]

Reasons Why Life is Enough

At the end of summer 2017, I wrote a note down on my phone that simply said ‘life is not enough’. I believed it fully, and I grappled with what could give life enough value to live an entire lifetime.

I won’t lie, I was going through a pretty tough time. Luckily, my mind has a tendency to still be positive in difficult and low times, and so a few months later I began writing a list of ‘Reasons Why Life is Enough’. I’ve decided to (finally) post this list amidst #OnlyOctober, whilst feeling the happiest I have in a long time.

I believe it is important to appreciate the little things that make life so wonderful, but also not to forget that life without pain is impossible; we just need to remember that there are always good things around us no matter what. Below you can find the full list, with a few minor/major updates to include my additional reasons today.

In no particular order:

Music that gives you chills

Golden hour

Pizza

Salted Caramel Galaxy chocolate

Salted Caramel in general

My beautiful, supportive, loving, kind, talented, brilliant, inspiring, resilient, brave, funny, adventurous and perfect girl

A Mum who listens to you and supports you through anything because she is without a doubt the best Mum in the whole world

A Dad who wants you to go for your dreams and often tells you he's proud of you

Sisters that remind you that half sisters are actually whole sisters in disguise

Close friends who only see the best in you and remind you who you really are

Having friends that live all over the world

Dreams that are coming true

Earl Grey Tea

Mountains

Full-day hikes

Switzerland

Slovenia

Philosophical discussions

Matilda the Musical

Genuine laughter

Candy Apple Red

Finding a song you used to love that you haven’t listened to for years

Adventures in all capacities

Getting out of the house and running until you can’t run any further to put the right thoughts into your head

A fabulous cup of tea

Caramel Lattes

Pumpkin Spice Lattes in Autumn

Gingerbread Lattes

When you write a song, go away and do something else, and come back and listen to it later because it sounds like a brand new song you’ve never heard before, but that you have created

Sunflowers

Kisses in the rain

Kisses anytime/anywhere

Seeing my girlfriend again after some time away from each other

The months of March and April

The months of September and October

‘Everywhere’ by Fleetwood Mac

Laura Marling’s ‘A Creature I Don’t Know’

KT Tunstall��s ‘Tiger Suit’

Nerina Pallot’s ‘Fires’ and pretty much all her other music

Sara Bareilles’ ‘Little Voice’ and practically everything she writes

The excitement of the release of new Taylor Swift albums

Lie ins

Drives into the night

The TV series ‘Lost’

Alcohol-free sex

The playlist of my favourite songs ever

Songwriting when it goes well

Backpacking

Performing on stage

Every birthday I will have in the future

Half birthdays

My risotto

Passionate, unabashed and audacious physical intimacy

Open mic nights

New Music Friday

All the songs I haven't heard yet

All the songs I haven’t written yet

My two copies of my favourite book ‘Looking for Alaska’

Watching ‘Love Actually’ at Christmas

Tuna and Sweetcorn sandwiches

Disney films

Country music

Walks in the countryside

Walks by the Thames

Costa Rica

‘Wait’ by M83

Remembering the memories from the first 25 years of my life (there are some pretty brilliant ones)

The chances I have to travel the world

The realisation that growing up also means not growing up and the world is really just a large playground

The days I can't wait to live the rest of my life and to live as many years as possible

Tortellini

Le P’s tropical remix of ‘In The Air’

Knowing that every day is a new opportunity to start over and be exactly who and what I want to be

Sunrises

Sunsets

Stargazing with clear skies

#AdventureAugust

Skinny dipping

Running half marathons and other long distances

Chocolate in general

Southeast Asia

Long hugs

American coffee

Knowing that life gets better all the time even if your mind can sometimes take a while to appreciate it

Dunkin' Donuts Caramel Iced Lattes (when in America)

Getting married in the future

The opportunity to have kids and to be a father in the future

Thinking up new names for my future children

Positive thoughts and positive people

Kindness

Acts of love

Taking naps listening to Ben Howard

Eating cereal at weird times of the day

Smiling at and talking to strangers

Photobooths

The possibility of meeting Taylor Swift in the future

Spontaneous, wonderful decisions

Knowing that for the beautiful to be truly beautiful, it has to be seen

Surprises

Autumn walks around Westonbirt Arboretum

The opportunity to have a positive impact on the world

Playing my guitar

Sitting at a piano and letting my emotions find themselves on the keys and in my voice

All the colours in this sometimes dark world

Christmas music

The beauty of the falling rain

Dancing in the rain

Woodgate, NY

The Adirondacks

Intense workouts

Ice skating

The thought that tomorrow could be the best day of my life

Beautiful people I have never met

Everything still outside of my comfort zone

Rainbows

Waking up before my alarm

Pain au Chocolat

Cycling around new cities

Family reunions every couple of years

Waitress the Musical

Organising events for people

The warm fuzzy feeling of being able to go to sleep after being awake for way too long

The chance to revisit Yosemite National Park in the future

Looking up at the stars and realising that we are all little miracles for creating lives that are so great in a universe designed to make us feel so small

Uncontrollable laughter

Smoked salmon and scrambled eggs on toast

Dad’s Maddy Haddock

All the food my father cooks to be honest

The possibility of a road-trip around the entirety of the USA in the future

Breakfast sandwiches

Raspberries

Finding a new song that you instantly love with all of you and playing it on repeat until it becomes uninteresting

Knowing that I’m allowed to be happy and I deserve to be, too (even if my mind has thought the opposite some of the time)

Reminding myself that I am brilliant, I am bright and I am beautiful.

#reasons why life is enough #reasons to live #depression #positivity #happiness #life is beautiful

[live-on-purpose]

Live on Purpose ✨

I think it’s time to admit that I’m pretty lost at the moment. And that maybe I’m staying busy to counteract not having to give my current situation much thought. I never thought I’d be 24 years old and back living with my parents, waiting for the next adventure. I rarely consider how strange this would be even to my 22 year old self, who believed he would be heading off to London and never (really) coming back. Not semi-permanently anyway. It would be difficult to say to myself back in the summer of 2017 that even though I was about to go and live my dream of becoming a performer, an actor on stage, that dreams change.

There are a few dreams in my life that I’ve had for more years than I can count on both hands, and although these are dreams that I don’t want to come true yet, they are dreams that have more weight to coming true than they ever have before. Settling down is exactly what I want for my future self, but right now I want to do everything I won’t be able to do when I finally ‘grow up’. But the funny thing is that I have grown up. I’ve grown up more in the past 6 months than I have in the time since I was 18. I’m coming to terms with what I believe is right and what is wrong in the world, what I want and what I don’t want, and what it is to be me. Possibly the biggest part of ‘growing up’ is finally realising that I really have no idea what I’ll be doing next year, or the next, or in 10 years time. As much as I try, by exploring different avenues, I still don’t know. At the moment I am going with my heart and doing whatever makes me happy. I feel I deserve it, since I’ve spent a lot of time doing the opposite.

It’s amazing when you think you’ve got everything worked out. You know exactly what you want to do and you’ve got all the opportunities to make sure you’re able to do it. And then you begin to wonder if you were really doing it for yourself, or others. Were you simply doing it to prove people wrong? Were you, in actual fact, trying to live someone else’s dream? I have always been the first candidate for the role of ‘attention seeker’, and I have always thrived in the spotlight. I love it when people say I’m good at something. Whenever I get positive feedback my heart feels satisfied. Surely going into a career where you can shamelessly enter the spotlight is the right call? I’d love it if it were true. However, there are so many things surrounding the spotlight. All the monsters lurking in the darkness that make being in the spotlight feel like standing on the edge of a cliff. Falling is easy, and you’re not sure whether you’re going to be able to pick yourself up again.

So I’m finding new ways to thrive. The idea of being centre of it all with everyone watching doesn’t appeal to me anymore. I’m not turning shy, or becoming reclusive, but instead I’m trying to build my little world where I can be whoever I want to be and be happy doing it. I can choose to let people in if I wish, and I can choose not to. I can show people my life as it is, or I can wish to hide it. And through all of that, finally I can be the person I actually am. No more pretending and no more suppressing. I am happiest when I am myself, so that is the version of me I wish to be.

Growing up is all about realising you don’t have to follow a pattern, a line, or a crowd. It is about listening to yourself and realising what is best for you, and following who you want to be instead of who someone else is, or the person you think you might like to be for two minutes. It’s so easy to get stuck on the conveyer belt of life with everyone else’s choices around you to mull over and imitate. It’s so easy to be pulled by the strings of a society that demands you to act in a certain manner. When you finally cut the strings and stop the machine, you start living on purpose. You’re not simply trawling through every day as it comes just to get to the next. You’re not living your life just because you were told to. You are living your life because YOU want to. There are reasons to get up in the morning. You are giving yourself your motive. The goal is your journey, not your destination. You are living the life you want to, because you have found purpose for it.

I look back to some of the choices I have made to steer my life in certain ways and I realise that some the choices I made were never truthfully, and honestly, mine to make. I don’t regret anything in the past, because it has brought me to this moment in time, writing this. But now having lived through the first 24 and a half years of my life, it’s obvious now that I am only going to be unhappy if I treat my life as anything but a gift.

I may seem more lost now than I have been for a number of years, but in reality I have set out to purposefully live the way I want to. Maybe I don’t quite know what the future holds or what I really want, but until I find out I will make use of the time I’m going to spend waiting.

Photo: Meg Green

#live on purpose #happiness #dreams

[live-on-purpose]

Friday 1st February 2019

I haven’t written in quite a while. Probably not in a month or two. However, I have needed to for a while. I don’t really know what’s going to come out, but I’ve had a number of thoughts in the past few weeks that may need to find their way onto a page of some sorts. I think the main thing I want to talk about is how my head is very loud at the moment. I’m still trying to figure out why, but until then I’m discovering new things, and old things about myself. My head likes to dig into the past at the moment, as if it’s trying to find something hidden and bring it to the surface. Maybe it’s a memory, a feeling, or a lesson. Until it has found the one thing it needs to, it seems to keep drawing up memories and feelings I really don’t want to remember right now. I don’t want them right now because I am happy. And possibly because I’m happy my mind is trying to find reasons not to be. Like there is a default switch in my head that says ‘you can’t be too happy so let’s find something to bring you back to reality’. And that reality is dark and unreasonably cold.

For the past year or so my mind has only gone back as far as the beginning of 2016, but now it’s beginning to creep back to university and school. It’s replaying things long forgotten and reminding me more than ever why I am moving forward now. The problem is, it feels now and again that there is this devil on my shoulder wanting me to find reasons to be sad. He’s no stranger but I had a period where he didn’t torment me. The past has got me to where I am now, and I don’t regret it at all. Yet this creature begins to taint all my experiences and allows me to feel like I shouldn’t have had any of them in the first place. I know first hand what it means to be a different person now. To change, and to grow. I know that I am not the person I was. However this devil makes me believe that I should have been a better person in the past. That I should have known that the situations I was in were not good for me and that I shouldn’t have seen them through. I never wanted to be, or strived to be, perfect. And truthfully I don’t regret anything in the years gone by because everything I have been through has taught me something valuable. Falling into the wrong crowd has helped me to realise who I want to associate myself with, falling in love with the wrong people has helped me to realise what the right person will look like when they come along, and hurting others has helped me learn how to be kind. It is perhaps unfair that, even though I am conscious of these lessons, that I am still plummeted into the abyss of these past feelings and memories as if I am living through them again, yet as a more sensitive and informed version of the same person. I don’t want to go back to them, especially not as the person I am now, because I don’t belong there anymore.

Maybe there were ways in the past to dull my mind to these stray thoughts, and one clear technique that comes to mind is alcohol. I used to drink a lot for reasons I wasn’t particularly aware of. Rarely would I deliberately take to a bottle to stop my head imploding with chaos, but having now been so long without a sip of alcohol (now thirteen months) my receptors have reawakened and have began to plough through the manic maze of my life’s plethora of experiences. It often now feels like instead of driving past avenues of thought at a steady 30mph, I can accelerate down roads at over 120mph, just catching glimpses of my blurred surroundings. The playground where I was carefree yet irresponsible, the park I ran through crying after five whole minutes at my Freshers’ Ball, and the flat that made me desperately unhappy. I can stop at any of these places, but screeching to a halt from a high speed is always going to be dangerous and it would be wise to avoid it altogether. The devil makes it hard to avoid it. I can sleep however. I have no trouble sleeping. As soon as the light goes off I barely have even a couple of minutes to enjoy the sound of silence and the dull glow of the blue light from my laptop charger before entering a peaceful but unconscious state.

In my waking life it’s not just the past that haunts me. I am haunted by thoughts and made up scenarios in my head that have never happened and should never happen, based on my present life. A lot of the time, my head becomes my worst enemy by trying to put those close to me in a bad light. Even when I am happy, and know I am, I am thinking of ways to be frustrated. To be angry. To be upset. A lot of the time I feel like I am the eye of the hurricane. I am calm. I am where I need to be. Yet the storms are swirling around me. It can often feel like I am chained to the centre of a circular room with multiple doors surrounding me. When one door opens, the negative energy and thoughts pour in, yet I have no control and cannot shut the door. My mind traps me in circles of thought, and I must endure what has been let in until it is gone. I have recently been learning to find ways to gain back this control, which is a valuable consequence of being aware of it happening. I am learning how to not find myself chained to the centre of the room, and to shut these doors before too much is let in. When too much is let in I feel exposed and embarrassed, and feel it would be beneficial to curl up into a ball and hide from the world. I try to never let this happen, and with the strength and knowledge I have built up about it I am aware that hiding away from something isn’t going to make it go away, especially when you are the only one that is able to do so. I know now that however scary it is, I must fight it head on, or find a way to drown it out until it does so itself.

Admitting that my head is still far from perfect still scares me, especially when I thought for a while that I had beaten my demons, and that being in love and being genuinely happy with my life would banish them. I’m not going to admit to myself every day that my mind is not in the place I want it to be, because (at least for me) forgetting about it and keeping busy and getting on with life keep the voices quiet. The more I believe I am in a bad mental headspace, the more I want to believe it. The more I will try and make sure it is harder to get out of, because it will feel like a safety net that I don’t need to leave. Treating myself with hard love will keep me more well than allowing myself to succumb to voices in my mind telling me I don’t need to get up, that I don’t need to achieve anything, and that it is okay to be sad all the time. Because it is not. I do not deserve to be sad, and I know that my waves of sadness are irrational. Even when I feel like doing practically nothing, I will not allow myself to otherwise my mind will get used to that being okay. It’s not. Doing nothing isn’t going to make me want to do something. It’s going to make me want to do less.

I am lucky now to be able to establish how my mind is and how I am feeling on a day to day basis. I know when I am feeling on top of the world, I know when my head is heavy, and I know when there are a few clouds blocking the sunlight. It’s something I’ve only had a clear view of over the past six months. I’m lucky that right now, even when I feel like I’m falling into the darkness, my head has put barriers in place to keep me from drowning. I am still learning what it means to live inside my head, and conquering the waves of doubt. With every day that passes, I seem to know more. I’m starting to accept that my mind can wander to the darkest of places, yet my whole being does not need to follow. I’m starting accept that without intoxication my mind will race, and that’s okay as long as I have organic ways to bring my feet back to the ground. I’m starting to accept that my head will bring back the past, and what is important is how I use it to move into the future without dwelling on who I was.

I am on a journey, and I am learning to resist being hard on myself. No matter how long is takes to get there. I am learning to accept.

#thoughts #mental health #the past #the future

[live-on-purpose]

#DRY2018

In 2018, I successfully achieved 12 whole months without a single drop of alcohol.

My year started with the idea to stay away from alcohol. Not as a New Year’s Resolution but as a life change. Incidentally, it meant becoming free of everything tying me down.

Alcohol is used by most of us in our lives for different reasons, including in celebration, for comfort, to socialise, to wind down, and to cope. This year I have celebrated, felt comfort, socialised, wound down when I needed to, and coped for an entire 12 months without the need to consume even a single drop of alcohol. And I succeeded. I won. I didn’t rely on something that wasn’t me to get through the year. Not even a part of it. Not a week, a day, an hour, or a minute. I am free.

I have told people differing stories why I decided to stop drinking, and so here is a brief and honest account of the real reasons.

I began #Dry2018 at midnight on New Year’s Day. I watched the countdown on the TV whilst downing my last glass of prosecco (two and a half bottles in), and as the first firework launched into the sky above London I put my glass down. I was very drunk, and after the now-faint memory of FaceTiming my sister from her next door neighbour’s house, I passed out a few hours later, somewhere. It had become a normality for me to sleep where I fell. I woke up the next day feeling terrible. I listened to sad songs, I felt lonely, but I wanted to be on my own. I wanted to bathe in the heaviness. I could have drank. I didn’t.

I had decided that I was going to begin a new journey of sobriety about a week and a half before New Year. I’d tried last year, between March and August 2017. For 3 months I undertook a dry volunteering programme with the International Citizen Service (ICS) and Raleigh International, and upon my return I couldn’t find it within myself to drink after living a life without it. I felt like I would be letting myself down. During my summer working at camp in America, I became very low and was advised that alcohol may be my last resort of an escape. Long story short, it wasn’t. It made everything ten times worse. I broke 4 and a half months sobriety and once again relied on alcohol to feel ‘okay’. Feeling at a loss without it, I drank every day from mid-August onwards for a while. It was a downward spiral.

I moved to London and began drama school in September 2017. I usually drank once a week. I could have drank a lot more often, but I wanted to make sure I kept in good health for classes, and so I left it to the end of each week. I would occasionally go out too, but not unless I was very drunk, and remained so throughout the night. Before my end of term assessment I had a brief sober period of a week and a half to make sure I could achieve my full potential in the performance exam. After this I don’t remember going a day without drinking until after Christmas. The day and night of my assessment I drank so much I said things I should never have said, heard things I should never have heard and I felt embarrassed and uneasy. But I carried on, because in my mind drinking was what made me happy and it helped me to cope with feelings I didn’t particularly want to engage with.

It became a vicious circle. I would be low, so I would drink to be happy, and I would drink so much that I would become unhappier than I was before. The main problem was one drink never worked. One drink, or two, or three, was out of the question. I would drink until I couldn’t drink anymore. It didn’t help that alcohol was a depressant, when depression was what I was suffering from. This was something I found out that summer whilst in America, when it got so bad I couldn’t keep it to myself anymore.

Around Christmas I would drink bottle after bottle of prosecco, among other alcoholic beverages. Everything was foggy. The days I should have been enjoying the most with the people I love in my life were horrible. I was anxious and very heavy, and alcohol was the only cure, except each time it became the problem and not the solution. The day after drinking I would always be surrounded by grey feelings, and alcohol would be the answer. I realised all this about a week before New Year, when I was drinking in my house alone, and vowed to stop drinking for as long as I could handle it. I hoped to do a month for Dry January but really I hoped to get to the end of May, after my final show at drama school, so I could be in the best health for my rehearsals and performances.

I realised I needed to stop relying on something to be happy, especially when it was actually doing the opposite. And I wanted to prove to myself that I could find comfort in myself in any situation as me, and only me. Not as me with alcohol. Purely me. I never believed I would ever achieve such a feat, and certainly not for a whole year.

The first couple of months were difficult. I had support from a lot of people, but a lot of people thought I was crazy. It made me feel different to other people in social situations, at least to begin with. But I felt more in control. I felt like I wouldn’t get tied into doing things I didn’t want to do, or stay for longer than I wanted to. I had a lot more time to myself. And that was okay. I was able to learn a lot more about who I was and what I enjoyed in life and what made me me.

It was difficult to tell people the reason I wanted to quit alcohol. I knew the real reasons were to see if I could achieve happiness as myself and to fight depression as much as I could. However, the main thing I told people was that it was for my drama school shows, and to make sure I didn’t have to rely on something. The former was true, and the latter was simply a nice benefit from sobriety.

I posted each month I conquered being sober on Twitter as a celebration. It gave me an incentive too. #DryJanuary became #DryFebruary which became #DryApril and #DryJune and so on. After the first few months in I shifted from ‘I’m not drinking at the moment’ to ‘I don’t drink’, and I felt a new sense of power in my newfound sobriety. Ordering a non-alcoholic drink became a habit, rather than an active choice, even though all those around me were drinking. I didn’t even eat meals that were cooked in alcohol, because it is difficult to tell whether the alcohol has all boiled away (since food would need to be cooked for four hours to make absolutely sure). I rejected the main course of our family Easter dinner, as well as another meal a month or two later. I felt bad, but in my mind, if for one second I believed I’d consumed alcohol (even a drop) I would have failed myself. If I had, this may incidentally have caused me to start drinking again. So I held off, completely.

I would be lying if I said being sober instantaneously made me happy, at least not for the first six months. I started to discover myself more, but I wasn’t entirely comfortable in myself. I reached a huge low in my mental state in late-March/early April, and told those close to me that there were only two solutions. Begin drinking again, or seek medical help. I sought medical help, which was subsequently given to me. I was told that drinking alcohol whilst on medication would be dangerous because it would be completely unpredictable. One drink could send me over the edge, and ten drinks could have little effect. So this gave me more reason to stay sober. From those around me I experienced the effects second-hand that mixing these two substances together could have, and I didn’t want to experience it myself.

For the time I was on medication, my feelings were flat at best, and I began to lose interest and care in the world and people around me. I couldn’t cry and I felt little to no emotion. I made mistakes, lost who I was and misplaced my passions. After another huge low in June, I left behind everything I had been working towards in order to help myself. I left behind my course, London, and my future career. It wasn’t a choice. It was a necessity that I felt with all my being. I didn’t have any interest in the life I had anymore. I needed to find out why, and follow my heart to make sure happiness found me again. I felt tied down, and if I felt tied I knew it wasn’t the time to be pursuing something I was terribly unhappy with. One of the milestones I hoped to achieve on my journey was to come off my medication. And just like alcohol at New Year, to be free of something I’d become reliant on. I sought freedom, and a motivation to keep on living.

Once I was able to leave London, my course, and my ambitions that had become tainted, things changed. I was lucky enough to be given the first job I applied for, away in the mountains of Switzerland. I had been inspired by a spontaneous adventure in the summer to Slovenia, and realised that the outside was where I was going to find peace. Peace of mind, and peace of heart. My job involved working with children, and leading outdoor activities including hiking. Everything about the place I was in, and the things I was doing, made me realise what I’d been missing. For the first time in a year, I felt like I was being myself. I wasn’t trying to be anyone else. I wasn’t playing the part of anyone else. I was me. And it was a huge breath of fresh air.

A few weeks in I decided to come off my medication. I had been lowering the dose bit by bit over the weeks, but it finally felt like I was in a safe place and it was a safe time to leave it behind completely. The weeks ahead felt constructive, rather than destructive. I was ready for the fall. I was ready for it to hit me like a brick wall, but it didn’t; I only had a few brief episodes and a few stray thoughts within the first couple of months. I was further above the surface than I’d been for a long time. My emotions returned. I began to cry again when it was right to cry, and it was a beautifully overwhelming thing. I was able to learn how to love myself again, for exactly who I was. My mind and my body, my perfections and my flaws. I embraced it, and took note of how new this feeling was. It had been a while since I truly felt worth, and it is still coming back to me.

By this point, alcohol wasn’t something I was doing without. It was something I didn’t need, or crave at all. I didn’t need an escape through a mind-altering substance. I’d found my escape in myself, surrounded by life and positivity and new air. It was also in this place that I found love. A love where I could be totally myself, and feel totally myself. Finally, I was free. I was free to love and be loved, because I wasn’t trapped by anything or anyone. All the ties had been cut, and I was making new ties in the right places. Ties that I wanted to make, in the right places, and with the right people.

The job, the experiences and the environment in Switzerland led me to discover new ways I can live my life, at least for now. It helped me realise there are ways to stay young and enjoy the moment you’re in, and that you can take life one step at a time if you so wish. Life doesn’t need to be mapped out in front of you completely.

I looked to new adventures, and at the end of November I found myself working in Lapland over the Christmas period as an elf for the real Santa. Even though it should have been the perfectly happy and magical experience I’d expected, I encountered a slow free fall in my mental well-being. I put this largely down to the lack of sunlight, but also that my wounds were still healing which made me vulnerable to people and situations. Before I knew it, around Christmas I was craving alcohol again to fill in the empty space I was feeling in my stomach, thanks to my less than perfect head. I took it as a learning experience that being in the wrong environment can be dangerous, and I needn’t put myself in difficult situations no matter how strong I thought I was. It reminded me that recovery never follows a single straight line. Returning from Lapland helped me to rediscover who I’d been before flying out there.

I’d be lying if I said getting sober solved all my problems. However, doing something that is healthy for my mind and my body is a good place to start. And as of now, it’s wonderful to admit that I am happy, especially when I know the only thing I am truly relying on to be happy, is myself. Of course, I am not naive enough to think the journey is over. I am still learning, and I am still becoming who I am. I don’t think I’ll ever stop. But right now, as each day passes, I am enjoying the journey that I am on. There is no destination. There is the everyday.

For now, because I don’t need or want it, I am staying sober. From alcohol, and from the life that makes me unhappy.

I am following happiness, and I am ready to continue down that road.

Photo: On top of Mont D’Or (2175m) looking over Leysin, Switzerland in September 2018.

#life changes #life in colour #sobriety is my superpower #love yourself for who you are #sobriety #sober #depression #mental health #happiness #love #freedom #alcohol aware #dry january #dryjanuary2019 #dry 2018 #one year sober

[live-on-purpose]

2018

If I’d predicted at the beginning of this year where I would be at the end of it, I would have got it entirely wrong.

I’d be lying if I said this year started easily.

I’d be lying if I said this year didn’t completely change everything, for the better.

The first six months of this year were a battle.

The final six months were everything.

I rehearsed for and performed in two public shows at the Royal Central School of Speech and Drama.

I sang, acted and danced in a showcase in front of leading theatre casting agents, and gained interest from more than one of them.

I fell out of love with a passion I was about to make a career out of.

I became trapped by a city, a lifestyle and a career I had put my life into.

My dreams changed.

I became very unhappy.

I struggled with my mental health.

I did everything I could to change my situation.

I found bravery to ask for help.

I became emotionally flat.

I made mistakes and I learnt how to move on from them.

I escaped whilst I could.

I put myself first.

I learnt how to heal.

I chose to follow my heart.

I never thought I would travel anywhere this year, and convinced myself I would not leave the country.

This year I travelled to 11 different countries.

I found myself in 4 brand new countries and I returned to 7.

I saw 16 cities and visited 35 towns around the world.

I worked in 4 countries over the year.

I got to see the Northern Lights for the first time with my own eyes.

I got to see the Eiffel Tower at night.

I went to my first wedding in America, and spent my 24th birthday in New York.

I went solo travelling for the first time in 2 years.

I learnt the importance of living an adventure everyday.

I had experiences abroad that helped me to grow, rediscover who I was and how to be happy again.

I met people who changed my life.

I climbed mountains on my own and with others.

I climbed my own mountains and saw peaks I never thought I would see again.

I realised my love of the outdoors and I learnt how to finally breathe again.

I found myself in Switzerland.

I inspired teenagers to go out of their comfort zone and try something new.

I became a leader, and took 9 and 15 years olds on mountain hikes.

I met the most wonderful girl in the world.

A group of 9 and 10-year-olds organised our first date.

I ended up falling in love with the right person, who allows and inspires me to be myself.

I asked her to be my girlfriend and I fall for her more everyday.

I spent my first Christmas away from home in the winter wonderland of Lapland, making dreams come true for hundreds of families.

I haven’t had a single drop of alcohol for the entirety of this year.

Sobriety became my new superpower.

I became non-reliant on substances that alter who I am and I learnt to cope on my own.

I became addicted to coffee, and then learnt to live without it.

I learnt to love myself, inside and out, and embrace every part of who I am.

I found a whole rainbow of colours return to me.

I became bold, bright and beautiful.

I created a quiet revolution.

I learnt how to be happy again.

I learnt to follow my heart, always.

I was supported every step of the way and I can’t thank the people in my life enough.

Right now everything is good, and that’s all that matters.

Hello 2019.

#2018 #2019 #new year

[live-on-purpose]

Wednesday 14th November 2018

I think it’s only natural to be sad when you look at a gravestone. I think it’s also natural to be more upset looking at a gravestone of someone who died young, as opposed to someone who died at an old age. But what that stone doesn’t tell you is what those people did with their lives. Most of the time all it will tell you is their name and two dates and little more. However, someone who died at the age of 30 could have had a much richer and more fulfilling life than that of someone who died at the age of 100.

It isn’t about the number of years you live. It’s about what you do with the years that are given to you. Don’t die at an old age having not made the most of your life. If you found out you weren’t going to live longer than the end of this year, what would you do with that time? Would you use it more wisely? Could you inspire yourself to do more now? To live following your heart and soul?

Why can’t you live like that now? Life is what you make it. Don’t measure your life in years. Measure them in moments and memories, and the legacy you leave behind. It’s about how you use your years. So make sure whatever dates your gravestone will be engraved with, that the time in between them isn’t wasted.

Define your life by what you do with the time you have when you are alive.

#life is for living #gravestones #wonderful wednesday

[live-on-purpose]

Friday 19th October 2018

It’s important to romanticise your life. You have the capability to see every step you take in the wildest colours, as long as you believe that everything you do is beautiful and exciting. Even the small things. The routine things. The first breath you take as you wake up, the cup of coffee in the morning, the journey on the way to work, the smile that makes you smile, the feeling of sitting down after a long day with a cup of tea. Every raindrop, every blue sky, every step on solid ground, the smell of the flowers you walk past, the gift you didn’t really want at Christmas. That’s when you truly start living. That’s when you enjoy the every day. Appreciate everything. All the simple things. Everything has the ability to be amazing. Believe it.

#life is an adventure #life in colour #simplicity #romanticise your life #all the little things

[live-on-purpose]

Thursday 13th September 2018

We are all world changers. We all change the world everyday, consciously and unconsciously. The world is constantly changing in ways out of our control, but any change begins with us and our actions. What we can do is make sure the changes begin with positivity and love.

We are all pioneers, and each one of us is intricately connected. There is nothing you can do which will not have an effect, however small. Everything you do today will affect the people and the environment around you.

So go into every day, go about everything you do with warmth and with kindness. With humility and peace, with acceptance and with respect. The world will become a brighter place. Don’t underestimate yourself because every one of us is valuable and important. We all play a part, so above all else, do good. We have the ability to do good everyday. Don’t waste your chances.

#butterfly effect #change your world

[live-on-purpose]

Friday 27th July 2018

I don’t think you can blame one thing. One single moment, one person, one place, one experience. The thing about life is it keeps moving on and you can’t stop it. You can get so wrapped up in one thing, and at the time you think it defines your entire existence. You think you become it. But really, you’re only fully immersed for a short time, if barely at all in the long term.

Different moments and people and places and experiences will form a part of your identity going forward, but you are a sum of all those parts. You are not a single part defined by one fragment of your life, even if you truly think you are at a certain point in time. You’re going to let go of things as the future unfolds without knowing it, and you’re going to unintentionally hold onto the most significant things as this year turns into the next. Of course, you may accidentally or even purposely hold onto the bad things, but you can’t blame yourself for them ever being part of you. You can’t live your life hoping that you’ll never encounter the bad as well as the good, because you’ll stop living altogether.

Life isn’t about covering yourself in bubble wrap to stop getting hurt or hurting others and the world around you. You have to live with all your cracks exposed, and be open to make more mistakes and to be hurt once again. With every little thing that happens, you will change and you will grow. Living in one place both mentally and physically, and keeping yourself ‘safe’ will mean you never experience all the colours life has to offer. Nothing is perfect. Live for the imperfection. Anything less is dull.

Whenever you start blaming one or more things for the way you are now, stop. Stop blaming. Just be. It’s probably out of your control anyway, and that’s okay. If it isn’t, change it. Just don’t dwell in fault, or what you perceive fault to be, whether in yourself, in the past, or in others. Strive to accept and move on. Life is messy, and we need not be defined by the chaos but rather the lessons. The colours of the rainbow, not the storm that precedes it. The collection of moments over a multitude of years, not a single moment or experience replayed over and over.

Because we are not static. You won’t be the same person tomorrow, next week, next year, in five or ten years’ time. We are ever growing and ever changing, because change is inevitable. The past is already established but there is never one prescribed direction forward. And you can’t live forever wishing that your future was set in a certain way. Embrace the spontaneity and the surprise because nothing will ever happen the way you expect it to. And most importantly, nothing will stay the way it is right now.

We will forever be exploring, learning, succeeding, failing, being, living. There is no journey as unique as that of your own life. Be a pioneer, not an imitator. Take each day as it comes, and don’t be hard on yourself for who you are, who you’ve been, and who you’re becoming.

Remember, it is nothing short of a miracle that you’re here in the first place.

#me #thoughts #acceptance #blame #past #future

[live-on-purpose]

The Devil on My Shoulder

I remember the first time I realised I had an unusual introspective view of myself. I was 20 years old. I tried to explain how there were two people, or rather two separate forces in my head. Two oppositional powers. One telling me I could or should do something, and another telling me I could or should not. My friend couldn’t understand how my thoughts and feelings could be divided, and how my personality was constantly at battle against each other. I didn’t know which side to believe, or which side was right. Whether either side was right at all and, most importantly, if both sides were impartially my own. For me, it was simple because I thought it was entirely normal. However for him, if he wanted to do something, he would do it. If he felt something, he felt it with all his being. Everything flowed in a single obvious direction, even if it was wrong. My mind didn’t act like that. I second-guessed every little thing, like there was a devil on my shoulder telling me conflicting ideals with every step I took. With every little thought. With every little thing I tried to do.

Now almost 24 it has come to help me realise, as a person living with a mental health problem, that my true self is not intrinsically attached to the part of me that is not. I sometimes forget, but deep down I know who I was before. I remember my dreams. I remember what excites me, and what it feels like to be in certain situations, even if I can’t relate to them fully anymore. I can just about separate what is me, and what is not. By recognising that there is a war in my head with two opposing sides, it helps me discern and establish if what I am experiencing is what I should be experiencing, or whether it is the irrational devil on my shoulder telling me what he wants to feel, or not feel. My depression.

I was told recently that my depressive state is part of me. I think they’re wrong. Here is why. A few weeks ago someone close to me shared their belief that I was not an optimist. It angered me because I knew it simply wasn’t true. Surely I could not be a pessimist? I have always been positive, and I have always wanted to live my best life. I have always wanted to be inspired and to inspire others. I have always seen the best in everyone and everything, and involuntarily tried to reach for the stars. Do I feel like an optimist now? No, I don’t. But I haven’t changed. I am still the same person inside as I always was. Instead, there is something clouding my focus, telling me things that aren’t true, making me feel as if there is an empty space inside me I cannot fill, and painting false images in my mind. I’m seeing the world through a blurry windowpane where I can’t quite see what I used to see. However, if I weren’t an optimist, I would believe that I couldn’t get better. I would believe that this was just how it was meant to be. I wouldn’t have gone to the doctor’s to ask for help, even if it did take me seven months to register at a GP after moving to London. I wouldn’t have gone to counselling sessions. I wouldn’t be currently seeking therapy. And above else, I wouldn’t want this to define who I am. There’s something fighting inside me. Not all the time, but enough of the time. Through all this, something still wants everything to be okay. More than okay. Better than okay. The best. I still want to shoot for the stars, and maybe I’ve just forgotten where I left my rocket. Or maybe my little devil decided to go and hide it somewhere. One thing I do know is that there’s a map in my hands, and maybe it’s missing a few important markings. Maybe I’m not going to find it overnight, but I will. I will find it.

I interrogated myself not long ago when I was informed how I was obsessed with being sad. Did it mean that I have had, in some part, a hand in the creation of the deterioration of my mental health? A number of years back, through my relatively friendless late teens, I could happily absorb myself in what I believed sadness to be without it encompassing me. I was always on the surface of an ocean of darkness, looking down, but never quite breaking through. And that was enough, back then. I listened to sad music, I embraced loneliness, and I developed some kind of euphoria from that feeling. Unfortunately, with depression, there’s no euphoria. There is just… nothing. No colour in the sadness, no light in the darkness. Just different shades of grey, darkening to a deep black depending on the day. It became very obvious that depression felt like I was drowning at the bottom of the ocean with no obvious way up. In contrast, any sadness, solitude or emptiness I had previously experienced was not unlike choking on a mouthful of water at the surface. It was unpleasant and scary. It may have hurt, but altogether it was brief and I would soon be able to breathe the air around me again. However, being at the bottom of the ocean is consistently scary. The water is heavy, unrelenting, and a future under the surface seems not just unsatisfying, but altogether impossible. The best way to describe it is not being able to breathe and thinking the end will come soon. For some reason you keep living, without breathing, or at best breathing a steady stream of air through a narrow straw. That end will never come unless you truly will it to, and yet there is no way to swim up to air either.

It was just over a year ago volunteering in Tanzania when I realised I’d lost some part of who I was. Having just had the best year of my life where I was lucky enough to travel independently around the world, it didn’t make sense that I failed to enjoy months away in a vibrant country I’d never visited before. However, it didn’t occur to me back then why I felt virtually nothing. Out there, I also became irritable and angry at times. While I don’t carry the same level or regularity of these emotions now, they were surprising to me at the time because I felt them more than I ever had before. I was described as a positive influence on my team by my team leader near the start of the trip, but this was not the person I perceived myself to be by the time I returned home. I didn’t know what had changed, and my second summer away in America two weeks later only made it clearer that my lust for life had started to disappear. The previous year, my camp in New York had become my second home. My happy place. Last summer I lost interest in everything, hid myself away from everyone, cried furiously almost every day, and failed to do my job properly and be there for my kids. The place where I felt safe and content had been invaded by my demons, and contained and multiplied them to the point where I couldn’t run from them anymore. I knew I had to talk about it with someone other than myself, and it was the first time I did. I had never used the ‘D’ word before and I made sure I was not the first to use it. Hearing someone else tell me that it was okay to acknowledge what was going on in my brain was the relief I needed. They were a medical professional, yet it still took me a lot longer to really believe what was going on, and especially to do anything major about it.

Depression tricks you. It tricks you into thinking you’ve always been like this, and that you always will. That there isn’t anything wrong with you, and it’s just who you are. That you’ve never truly been happy, and that you can never be again. But it’s simply not true. Looking at the wider picture, if I had truly suffered my whole life, I would have realised it sooner. I know I was happy, because I wanted the life I had, and it was pretty great (even when it wasn’t). This is because your brain gives you ‘everything’s actually okay’ chemicals. And those chemicals are pretty marvellous, let me tell you. I lack a lot of those ‘okay’ chemicals at the moment. Even though from the outside my life is pretty damn fantastic, my mind likes to tell me, or rather not stop letting me believe, that life isn’t enough. That the life I’ve got isn’t enough. That any life I could lead wouldn’t be enough. It’s not the case of ‘I want that person’s life’. Nothing seems good enough. The world seems dark and scary, pointless and trivial, dirty and barren, unfriendly and angry, colourless and boring. I question why, as humans, we keep going. Isn’t it all a complete farce, that we are even alive, if we die at the end of it all? What are we really achieving, if after we die we don’t even keep the memories of ourselves with us? (Yes, I am atheist.)

A couple of years ago, knowing that I was going to die one day inspired me to live my life to the full. Life was too short. I needed to do everything, and I set about on that quest. But now it does the opposite. It makes me want to be lazy. It makes me not want to get up in the mornings because after I die I’m not going to remember that I got up that day. Yes, someone else may remember that day in their lives if I was part of it, but they will die someday as well. The thing is, everyone will die, and after all that’s happened, legacies are kind of pointless, right? But I’m wrong. I know I’m wrong. My brain lets me believe that nonsense. My brain doesn’t let me try and make sense of the beautiful world we live in. It just lets me ask the same question all the time: is it really worth it?

The thing is, I know it’s worth it. Deep down, I do. That’s why I’m still here. I know there’s beauty in the world. I know there are many places I want to see and people to meet. Feelings I want to feel, and things I want to accomplish. Growing and succeeding, and watching others do the same. Relationships I want to build, and experiences I want to share. Good deeds I want to do and bad deeds I want to learn from. People I want to be inspired by and people I want to inspire. Sunsets to breathe in and sunrises to wake up to. Food to eat and shits to give. Colours and life and energy and touches. Kisses and words and faces and children. Friendship and family and chocolate and pizza and dreams and laughter and cups of tea and cups of coffee and sex and long drives and long walks and running and music and theatre and singing and performing and stargazing and hugs and kindness and cereal and surprises and Christmas and thunderstorms and rainbows and dancing and travelling and miracles and books and memories and Spring and Summer and Autumn and Winter and years and years of beauty and life and love.

And me. Feeling alive. One day, I want to feel alive again. I’m doing it for that, really. Maybe some days, or many days, I won’t be able to be the best version of myself or live life to the best of my abilities. It’s the hope that one day I will be able to again, or at least believe that I can. To one day have the devil on my shoulder and be able to say, ‘it’s nice to hear what you’re saying but I’m going to do it my way now’. And begin to forget that he was ever there at all. To move in a single direction, to act on instinct and not be persuaded or distracted by the part of my mind that isn’t really me.

To live life, the way I know I want to, and to enjoy every moment of it. As me. And only me.

#depression #mental health #happiness #sadness #grey