ofalterspace

[ofalterspace]

deep sigh

if I told you how may times I asked the tarot about us

would that make you laugh?

maybe you would look at me dead in the eye and say:

that's pathetic.

because I always get the same answer

over and over and over

flipping cards like knifes

lost in a frenzy of my own making

hoping that maybe,

if seen from the right angle,

if I read the book again,

or if I just look at it in a different way,

the swords will turn into loving hearts

and then the butterfly could wake the sleeping bear

and not be crushed by it

maybe I just wasn't specific enough

maybe I didn't formulate the question right

I will rephrase it

over and over and over

and use every word that I know until I don't have a single one left

all of the songs, the parfum, the dress

the films, the words, the dreams and the rest

all those things I did for you and you don't even know

the texts I kept hidden in my heart,

the book that is still wrapped in my shelf

that you never got to see

and you will never get to know

the extent of the love I had for you

I think to myself that maybe that's kinda sad

but you could never be sad for something you never knew you had

and so, the only one crying is me

over and over and over

waking from a dream where you call me "baby"

losing the track of my thoughts

looking at the phone, waiting for the next message

and finishing this bottle all alone

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

a million little stars spelling out your name

If I was prettier, would you look at me differently? Because I see it now that I'm not the only one who's inadvertently fallen for you. You leave a trail of love wherever you walk by. People simply can't help themselves. The competition is too high of a deal.

Part of me feels like we are simply meant to be, because it is always so easy when we are together. But I also feel like it is not the right time. We both have some other things we have to live through to be better for each other. But we are already so damn good.

I know you don't see me the same way and it kills me a little bit everyday. It is as if the universe is plotting a really mean joke on me, sending me the person that I manifested so hard - with the only detail that he doesn't like me back.

I wanna run from this feeling but I also don't wanna leave your side. So I will stay here, quietly suffering through it all.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #excerpt from a book i might write #texts #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

unlovable

Does she wear more colors than I do?

I bet her jokes are funnier, her voice softer. She must bring peace to your struggling heart.

I picture her with long hair and beautiful ocean eyes. I bet her smile is the most beautiful thing you've ever seen. And the freckles must flow down her face like stars in the night sky, leaving you breathless everytime she blinks.

She must not complain about life as much as I do, always seeing everything by the bright side. She surely wakes up on the morning feeling ready for the day and not worn out by life.

I heard that she won't even listen to the music you like. That I like. She doesn't know the movies you love, the books, the clothes. She won't spend the night talking about some nonsense topic that you can't get off your mind.

And yet. She is everything.

She must have that big family you always wanted. The same big dreams you always had. I bet she looks at the love you give her and doesn't feel afraid like I did. Like I do.

I bet she doesn't have my scars, my marks, my complications. My difficult exes, difficult parents, difficult life. You must like her because she makes everything easier and not harder. Because life with her finally makes sense, when life with me was never even an option.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #excerpt from a book i might write #texts #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

balance

they say going through bad things

makes you a better person

but how much better do I have to be

to deserve good things?

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpt from a book i might write #texts #written #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #text post #my writting #excerpts from my life #writters on tumblr

[ofalterspace]

fragments

When your heart has been broken as many times as mine has, I think that you don't even feel it anymore. Not like before. It hurts, sure, but it is more of a pinch than a punch.

Part of the reason why is that I don't even let it get to that point anymore. My heart was never whole to begin with, so it's easier to notice when the fragments are slowly drifting away.

It is fine. I will pull myself together. Buy new Band-Aids. Maybe some tequila. And then we are ready to fall again. And break again. Until there isn't a single part of me that isn't cracked.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

love is terrifying

now I understand why they call it a fever

it really does feel like my body is burning from inside out

as if a thousand little electric needles are pinching every millimeter of my skin

it is worse than any caffeine rush

I feel like an addicted

while I stare at my phone for hours

hoping to see your name glowing again

I can't focus

I can't think

well,

at least about anything that isn't you-related

you will get me fired without even trying to

I wanna open my window as wide as my heart

and scream "I'M FALLING FOR YOU"

and then I wanna dig a hole in the ground and never see surface again

do you feel the same way as I do?

are you afraid of love as well?

or do you not even consider falling for me?

am I not enough? was I ever?

is there someone else?

how do I even survive this hell

you say no one could ever love you, baby

but my dreams tell me otherwise

I really can't get you off my mind (and I won't even try)

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

the bear and the butterfly

You don't even know, but I've asked about us on a tarot reading. I just had to, ok? It was stronger than me. The results weren't pretty. See, I can be a really stubborn person sometimes. I only take advice that tells me to do exactly what I wanna do.

In the cards, you were a sleeping bear. This strong, huge force of nature, in a state completely unaware of it's own power. I, a hopeless butterfly, swung around you, tryna find means to wake you up.

You see, we are a pretty pathetic matching. There is no way a teeny-tiny butterfly will manage to wake up the sleeping bear. But I keep trying nevertheless.

I spin round and round in my prettiest colors, in hopes that you will feel the wind and maybe glance my way. After so much time, I've even became a little audacious: I've gathered the courage to sit right on your nose. Still, you don't seem to feel a thing.

Maybe one day you'll roll over me. Maybe you will swing your paw in your endless sleep and kill me. I don't know. But I will stay here. For now. For as long as my tiny wings can bear staying still and not flying to the next aventure.

Why won't you wake up? What can I do to get you out of your trance? Why won't you just

look at me

I'm right here

let me in

please

I won't hurt you

I won't

I

You are everything I want and yet I can't have you. It just feels like a really cruel joke of the universe.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

love is everywhere

People have really funny and different ways of showing how much you mean to them. If you really pay attention, maybe you realize that you're way more loved than you thought.

Take my mom, for example. She's not much of a "I love you" person. She may not say it as often. But if she really cares for you, she'll be so devoted to you. You're craving some specific food? You can bet it will show up at the fridge as soon as you say it. You wanna go somewhere? She'll go with you without questioning.

I have a good friend who doesn't really like driving people to places. It's such a bother, you know? So I never ask. I don't have to. Either way he's always like "I'll take you here, I'll take you there". We will just blast Taylor Swift on the radio and everything will be fine.

I find those little things really sweet. It's the stuff that we usually take for granted in the day-to-day life, but it's also what counts the most. I think... it's what makes us human after all.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

moldy

Have you fucked me up forever? Because after you, every strawberry tastes bitter. Every poetry feels broken. And every damn love has fear in it.

Once upon a time you said to me that no one would ever love me as you did. That I was too difficult. Too much. Did you curse me, honey? Because... why?

I don't even miss you. And I don't even hate you. Not anymore. But I don't seem to move on from what you did to me. How someone ever could?

After you, I don't give myself permission to love again. Because what if it hurts as much as it did with you? I could never let myself go through that twice in this lifetime.

It's your fault I lost her. I was never ready and now she's gonna marry someone else. And I only wish her well, truly. But I can't help but resent that I was the last wrong in her life before she found the one that was right. My heart, on the other hand, keeps on broken and breaking.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

breathe in

I am always running and I never look up at the sky at night. But tonight I did. A particular pair of stars catched my eyes -- they were glowing so much that I couldn't ignore it. At first, they were all I saw. But then, as I countinued looking, more and more sparkling points came into view. They were so many and so so bright that I had to stop for a moment and just...look at it. Take it in.

You see, the stars were always there. They probably shine just as bright almost every night, I just didn't see them. I am the problem here. I have this thing were if I don't remind myself, I forget to look for the beautiful things. And believe me, there are always some of them, even in the ugliest occasions.

#excerpt from a book i'll never write #written #texts #excerpt from a book i might write #texts from last night #excerpts from my heart #my writting #text post #writters on tumblr #excerpts from my life

[ofalterspace]

you should go. but you could stay.

I keep loving them enough

to let them go

all while hoping that

someone would love me enough

to stay

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[ofalterspace]

what if I never love again?

The lingering question that keeps me up at night strikes once again. 'Cause what if it never happens again? Then what? What will I do if I never feel something as strong and truthful as I felt with you? I’m sure you’re doing just fine. I heard you moved in with that girl and you guys are having the best time. But I’m still right here, my door is still open. Waiting. Kind off.

Sometimes I feel like I never stopped loving you. Not once. I got distracted, sure, but it kept going on like some kind of annoying background-running program. Do you ever feel like that too?

Do I even know anything else but loving you? Will I ever learn? I really hope so.

#texts from last night #excerpt from a book i'll never write #excerpt from a book i might write #texts #written #midnights

[ofalterspace]

the upside of blue

All the time while I was growing up I felt like love was conditional. It wasn't that I didn't feel loved, but it seemed to me that "love" was always a trade. You give something to someone - emotional support, obedience or an answer to that really hard homework. And, in return, they give you affection. So I did my best to be perfect, to never fail. I couldn't risk it. It felt as if love could go away with the blink of an eye as soon as I slipped up.

Maybe it is a cliché, but I feel like hitting rock bottom gave me a whole new perspective on the matter. For the first time in my life, I had nothing to offer. No job, no smart answers, no helping hand to extend at all. Only my not-always-incredible persona, a whole ton of background trauma and some silly jokes. Crazy as it sounds, it was enough. For the right people.

And what a joy it is to be unconditionally loved. There is so much peace in being able to commit mistakes, in losing some. And still being loved at the end of the day, even if you never turn out to be nothing more than what you already are. Because that is enough.

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[ofalterspace]

I really should be over all the butterflies

So I guess what they say is true. We never do get over our first love. But it is kinda frustrating, isn't it? It's been over five years since I saw your face next to mine, but I still recall the exact shade of blue your eyes hold. I still know your mother's name and how old was your sister when we first met. I bet she is a whole woman by now. I wish I could've seen her growing up. And all of our songs still make me bleed as if the wound in my heart was brand new.

I wonder if someday I will be lucky enough to forget you. But most days it doesn't even feel like something that I want to do. I heard someone say the other day that if you don't stop picking on the scabs, it will forever be a wound. At this point, I just think that I got used to the pain and don't really mind it. As long as I get to see you again.

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[ofalterspace]

divorce

Paraphrasing one of my favorite persons on the world, I'm so many versions of me. And I think it is natural, you know? We create all of these characters inside of us which are similar at some level, but none of them represents the totality of us.

It is as if there are a bunch of people living inside of me, and everyone that meets me has access to one (or several) of them. The real problem begins when one of these characters wants to be the protagonist and decides to overcome the others. The balance is vital for everything to work well.

It is exactly what happened to one of my personas recently. She became so big and so heavy that the divorce was mandatory. I'm officially splitting from who I was and making space for the new.

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[ofalterspace]

time

I'll never ever be 22 again. I know that's kinda obvious and also true for every single age I've ever had. But, still, there's something about the 22 that makes this thought heavier. It goes right through my chest like a bullet.

Maybe it is Taylor Swift to blame because she wrote a whole song about how it is wonderful to be 22. I have been waiting to be this age for so long because of her. Maybe it is simply the unmatched expectations between what it was supposed to be and what it really was because of all of the things I couldn't control. I don't know. All that I do know is this: the person I was until this day will never exist again.

And I like to think that I'm growing old well. Really. I like this version of me more than any other else. But I can't help but feel a little afraid of time. How long will mine be?

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[ofalterspace]

I, burnout

My therapist thinks I should get back to writing. She says - and she's probably right - that I shouldn't give up on such a great part of me just because I associated it with something that hurts me. I argue that maybe the bucket is empty, maybe writing was something destined to end and I no longer have any great ideas. Demand outstripped supply.

But if I just push a little bit more. If I stretch the dough to the other way. If I twist the words a little bit and add sugar. If I let ideas marinate for long enough. Then, maybe, I'll create something worthy of the spotlight once again. But I don't know if I still want them.

I, that never cared about being the center of attention, suddenly have been flirting with the idea of living an anonymous life in a forgotten corner of the world, doing something absolutely unimportant.

Is just that, the more I give of myself, the less I have left. They've taken my eyes, my fingers, my legs. It is as if they could get under my skin and drum with my bones. Playing with my arteries. And it still wouldn't be enough. 'Cause it never is.

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