poetrynotmeantforthemtosee

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

ended up finishing this :]

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

when the meme goes too far and now has a body count

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

[ID of a Reddit comment by Emotional-Fig9952 saying: "tbh before top surgery i was a c cup and when going into gay bathhouses, i had multiple people ask if i had gynecomastia. i didn’t even expect to pass, but people see what they expect to see and don’t question it too deep. one guy even came up to me and was like “i have gynecomastia too” and motioned to his small titties and asked me “did you get made fun of growing up as a boy with tits?” i just nodded and went along with it. i was shocked but then got used to it pretty quickly. people just assume"/end ID]

Solidarity between cis & trans men with tits now and forever

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

Nude No. 151

Irving Penn

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

ilove the way you draw soup its my faviurire. makes me sohappy. he is a lad. thank you somuch. for your service. happy

Thank you!

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

had to be there i guess

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

U.S. congressman ralph norman stating he hopes bats go extinct, just earlier this week as he voted against endangered species protections.

His office, where you can have statements or messages passed on to him:

[phone]

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

I didn't kill myself last Tuesday.

I didn’t kill myself last Tuesday. 

I decided to on Friday. I’d spent most of three days drowning in shallow water, choking on invisible obstructions. I wrote a note—meant to be brief, nearly 2 pages—folded it and put it in my pen drawer. 

The plans were simple. Bedsheets and the ‘free swing door closer’ (because I live in student accommodation). If either doesn’t hold my weight, then a rope and a tree. Easy.

I had videos I wanted to watch, a fanfic that would update, d&d on Monday. So it would be Tuesday. Fitting. The last time I really wanted to die was a Tuesday too. Fitting too because when I wanted to die in year 9 I had planned on the 14th. This would be the 28th. A fortnight on. 

On Saturday, I woke up and there was a hole in my chest. I extricated myself from my partner’s arms and had a panic attack in the bathroom (I was quiet, but still glad they didn’t have an ensuite). It was a fuzzy one—numb lips and teeth—like I hadn’t had in 5 years. 

The fear in my head cycled—fear of being alive to face everything I feel, but fear of dying and nothing I have done mattering, fear of how far my feelings could sink, fear of hurting everyone who loves me. 

I decided not to die. 

Tuesday came and I didn’t kill myself. But I didn’t feel better. If anything, it was worse. I could barely eat, couldn’t cook, couldn’t make myself go to lectures. Couldn’t do anything. 

I didn’t kill myself. But I didn’t stay alive either. I am in limbo between death and life. I haven’t been anything close to a living, breathing person in a long time. 

But I didn’t die. And if I don’t die for two more Tuesdays, there will be a Wednesday with a doctor’s appointment.

#writing #suicide tw #this is maybe a bit dark but there is hope

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

I love you. Do you know that?

I love you.

That’s the start of it

That should be the end. 

That should be the end. 

---

I love you.

Do you know that?

I say it when you say it

Repeating soft roses on my tongue. 

Sometimes I brave the thorns

And say it first

Around the scratches in my throat

Because while I have relearned

The power of speech

True, meaningful words

Are still locked somewhere I can’t get to. 

---

I love you.

I try to show you that

Hands linked

Sincerity (I like hearing you talk)

Where it wasn’t asked for

(Why is that the only time I can give it?)

Tracing circles on your arms, your back

In your hair. 

---

I love you. 

I hope you know that. 

I hope you read through layers of fear and awkwardness

Understand that between

My every word

All my actions

I am lacing 

I love you 

I adore you

You are wonderful to me. 

---

I love you. 

I will not give you this poem to show you that.

You deserve adoring words

And my earnest affections

Not me running my fingers over skin

Trying to find a scab to pick at. 

Pouring blood out of the wound

Of my own insecurities

And painting them on to you. 

---

I love you. 

Sometimes I believe you love me. 

When I believe it

I worry that you don’t

That I don’t do enough to show it.  

I am always trying to find a bruise

To poke at

Trying to clean non-existent wounds. 

---

I love you. 

You love me. 

One day that will be the end of it.

#poetry #poems #i am so normal about being in a relationship #love #injury tw

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

Worse

I don’t… actually want it to be worse

The idea of actual pain 

Actual trauma

Something real 

Instead of whatever the fuck

This is

Feels like a warning sign

(My anxiety told me my sibling would kill themself today

And it took everything I had not to scream — they didn’t; it’s fine)

---

God I do not want it to be worse. 

---

I just want a justification for this pain

My head is gray

And it all hurts so much

And it’ll never never never change

(never mind that it has in the past

It’s different this time)

---

And I can’t complain 

Can’t say I wish it was different

Because why isn’t it different?

It’s in my head 

And when it isn’t it’s my fucking fault

They can’t notice what you won’t show them

It should be different

It should be better

I shouldn’t be complaining

---

If it was worse

I wouldn’t be able to hide it

They’d have to notice 

There’d be no other option

No crying in the bathroom

No spending hours asking why it’s so hard to say

‘Help me’

No guilt because the only people I ever go to for comfort 

Are so much more fucked up than I am.

---

I don’t actually want it to be worse

I just want to deserve help.                     

#suicide mention #anxiety mention #god... #I meant to write like a line of this before I slept #but turns out I had a lot to say #made a realisation at the end there as I was writing it #fun times #poetry

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

The girl I want to love/The boy I used to love

It starts with

The girl I want to love

She asks me

(Why me?

She has no other option)

How I know

I am in love with the one I love now

(Am I in love with the one I love now?

That is a question for another day)

---

Her question

Puts butterflies in my eyes

And stars in my stomach

When I answer it. I am thinking of her

Not the one I love now

(Is that wrong?)

---

The next day

The boy I used to love

Comes in tears

(I should have expected this)

The girl I want to love

Doesn’t love him any more

She loves someone else

(Not me. I don’t know who)

---

I do my best to comfort him

I take what to say

Pull my advice

From a situation very like this

The boy I used to love

Broke up with me.

I knew it was happening

Knew I’d be heartbroken

(Do I really remember how I got through?

After all, it was eclipsed by everything else)

The one I love now helped me through it

---

Is this retribution?

Should I feel good? Schadenfreude?

I feel as if I have swallowed a plank of wood

---

I wish her love was mine

I don’t want his pain

I think I might be a bad partner

#this is #... a situation #It has brought up questions #And I have to give advice #I am not good at that #poetry

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

Do I not love you enough?

Do I not love you enough that I would not

Let the world burn for you?

That if I could choose to save your life

Or the lives of 5 others

I would choose the others?

Should I want

To kill, to maim

Just to see you smile?

---

Or is it enough?

Is it enough

That I would sacrifice my life for yours

In a moment?

That I would choose your life or happiness

Before even thinking of mine?

That I would rip out my lungs

To see you smile?

---

Because I cannot choose you over others

I cannot sacrifice their lives

Their happiness

Their love and beauty and wonder

For you

But I will choose you over me

I will love you

I will sacrifice

My life

For you

Always

---

Do I not love you enough

That friendship is as important to me

As what we have?

That between our love

And my friendship with others

I don’t know what I would choose?

That a day in the sun at Edinburgh zoo

With them

Is just as good as an afternoon of cake

And poetry with you?

---

Or is it enough

That I love you differently

From them?

That friendship is warm

And comfortable:

Sunny days and picnics?

And that our love is fizzy

And exciting:

Neon lights and roller skates?

---

Because I cannot love you

More than I love them

I cannot make you more important

Than making stupid jokes

And laughing so hard I can’t breathe

But I can love you

As much as I love them

I can cherish our moments

Of quiet together:

Your hand in mine

My head on your shoulder.

---

I cannot love you in the world-destroying

All consuming way

They say I should

But I can love you

In the soft

Candy-floss flavoured way

That I feel

#love #death mention tw #friendship #Like #I love them so much #but I love everyone else so much too #poetry

[poetrynotmeantforthemtosee]

Nebulae

Nebulae. Fucking Nebulae.

She is

Nebulae

and i

am enough of a friend to hang out with in a free lesson

there is some solace to be taken

in the fact that She could never

love You back – or at least You don’t think so –

but i could never wish pain on You

that pain is something i know intimately

and if i could,

i would make Her love You

so that You didn’t have to feel that

but i can’t

so we are stuck here – both of us – loving someone

who doesn’t love us.

Nebulae

i don’t even know who it is

who is a whole galaxy for You to explore

while i am merely the inhabitant

of one of Her planets

You don’t even trust me enough to tell me that

i’m not sure i even want to know

i wouldn’t hate Her

i couldn’t hate Her

not when You love Her

but how could i be around Her

when You love Her?

Nebulae.

i have never seen someone

as Nebulae – sometimes I wonder

if i have ever been in love before

because love is never how

it is described.

But i love You – i’m sure of it

and i have loved others – i love others now

but not one of Them is or was Nebulae

You are moss, perhaps,

covering rocks in a forest

Or perhaps You are the rocks

covered by the moss. You are more familiar to me

than Nebulae

but You are still Out There

You are still not in the home i have created for myself.

You are moss. Or You are rocks.

Irregular; rough and imperfect

but beautiful

and i love You

#listen #im pining #and they're pining #but they're pining for someone else #and Im sad #poetry #sad #pining