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#AND IF YOU CANT GET WHAT YOU WANT WELL ITS ALL BECAUSE OF ME
lovelaetter · 2 days
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haiii
hope ur doing well!
just had a thought i wanted to share
had this idea of princess!tzuyu in a medieval time whose father, the king harshly taxes the land and is generally hated
robin hood esque fem!reader whose a thorn in his side, constsmtly stealing from caravans/taxmen
tzuyu who hates what her father does but cant change his mind about how to rule
one night tzuyu awakens to here a commotion and wanders out in her night gown to see whats going on
finding reader stealing from the family vault and making eye contact, in fear retreating to her chambers but reader is enraptured by txuyu's beauty following her
ends up fucking the girl despite her ptotests saying its wrong, but after all the king has put his people through why shouldnt reader use his daughter as a plaything,
later on tzuyu not being able to stop thinking of how readers hands touched her, fucked her, no longer thinking of males suitors
loved the minjeong and taeyeon ask from earlier, hope ur doing well!
☕️
PLEASE!! i know this is supposed to be more smut but i couldn’t help it i just love some backstory!
i’m thinking about all you said and, hear me out, the guards catch you and the poor princess loses nights of her sleep thinking about you and how you’re not so far from her, locked in a cold cell, waiting for your execution… and her desire to do something about that. like, can you imagine her sneaking through secret passages late at night to meet you, trying to be quiet because she doesn’t want to risk someone seeing her and that getting to her father’s ears, and your surprise when she calls your name softly, the confusion on why she’s there, what does she wants with you.
the thing is that she doesn’t really knows what she wants either, mostly look at you, thinking that would soothe her thoughts but in reality it just makes them worse, seeing your face brings back memories of what you did to her and she feels so bad for liking said memories, her head gets so fucked. after the confusion washes away, being really condescending to her, smirking and making sure to look into her eyes to mock her for going after you after all, “does your father know you’re here, princess?” and then laughing when she looks away. and all that, she doesn’t dare to speak, like, if it weren’t for her pleadings for you to not hurt her the first time you would easily think she’s mute or something because she just stares at you with those big doe eyes :( not that this is a problem, though, you learn how to read her as her visits get more and more frequent.
she turns in such a toy in your hands, stepping closer when you motion for her to do so, leaning into your touch when you hold her face, arms hanging on the side of her body or maybe daring to touch you a bit as your hands roam over her body, but it’s not enough, you’re still locked, bars between you two and you can’t do a thing like that, so manipulating her into opening it for you, caressing her cheek, saying how “it would be so much nicer if i was out there, wouldn’t it?” and she’s not stupid, she’s not, she knows you’re twisting your words and using her to escape but… she wants you :( so yeah, she will steal the keys and open the fucking gate.
her holding your arm harshly, thinking you’re just going to run and gasping when you put her against the wall, slipping her nightgown off her shoulders and leaving her bare for anyone who came by to see. i can see her being so desperate and touch starved that your grip on her waist has her melting, pulling your hair while you kiss and mark her neck, not caring what scandal this could bring for her after. squirms a lot when you’re finally fucking her, it still being a foreign sensation, two fingers— could be three if you were being meaner but it’s not the time— going in and out and making this low slick noise that makes her cheeks burn, her clit aching every time your thumb brushes there. moans so loud when she cums it has you freezing, afraid someone heard it. the poor thing probably wouldn’t want to let you go, holding you close, a hand sliding down to stop you from taking your fingers away, whining “more” that makes you snicker about how spoiled she is, demanding it from you, not even saying please… but you don’t really care, too focused on sucking her tits and make her drip on the floor a bit more.
i honestly like to think about running away after, kissing her cheek, not even her mouth, and leaving her there with only the promise of maybe visiting her one night but it’s up to you…… maybe she can convince her father of not killing you or decides to run away with you too, who knows. also corruption kink goes brrr!
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bulletsgirl · 2 years
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ppl who werent changed forever by youre gonna go far kid by the offspring when they were like 11 and insanely impressionable you just cant understand me
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poorly-drawn-mdzs · 9 months
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Game night results (from this poll)
Character selection inspired from extraterezi's post!
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puppyeared · 5 months
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its so hard to watch time pass when things like careers and assignments exist. what do you mean im supposed to take that seriously
#I have an assignment that was due a week ago and I really really dont want to do it. I have to but i dont want to#im probably making it worse because my brain has built a wall around it so now i can’t do literally anything else until thats done. but#because I don’t want to do it I’m just kinda stuck. turns out this is what they meant when they said emotional regulation is part of#exec dysfunction.. I’ll have a thought like if I get a little bit of it done now i can get it over with. I can just submit something#and then not even 5 minutes later itll be like ugh but I have to draw all the assets out. I have to write things and make spreads ugh#and its just flopping between those two things. i hate it when ppl are like well how much time do you need to work on one thing#because BOY id love to know too. I’d love to know exactly when my brain wants to cooperate with me and work around that but I cant#even my period can’t decide when it wants to punch me in the stomach. which is kinda funny in the grand scheme of things but still#its so weird im just lying on my bed thinking abt all this like damn.. the time will pass anyways no matter what I decide to do.. damn….#if I submit that assignment now and take the L I literally won’t die. it’ll just be a deduction on an assignment nobody will ask me about#I know this but I’m still stressing myself about it so my thoughts aren’t really connecting to my body. weird#maybe its because Im having a hard time looking forward to things. theres definitely a lot I should be living for but I don’t really feel#a strong attachment to it I guess? it’s been like this for a while with holidays and meeting with friends so I just don’t#I kinda figured its because im pretty passionless and its more like passing interest. but it’s not very fun when it feels like I’m going to#be living distraction to distraction for the next 70 years or so lol#idk it kind of feels like slowly bleeding out. which is funny because I actually did experience blood loss this week#had a 30 minute nosebleed and literally could not stand. also it felt like someone was pinching the back of my brain which was interesting#yapping#does this count as vent#vent#Ive just been making an oc carrd and contemplate changing my blog header for the past 3 days honestly
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gibbearish · 6 months
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kinda frustrating how we've spent the last few months acknowledging how a lot of well intentioned but guilt trippy social justice posts are like specifically designed to worm into ocd ppls brains and then now every single post abt palestine is "i dont care how bad your mental health is, i dont care how bad looking at all this makes you feel, if you don't read every single post you see on this topic in full you are a horrible person and directly contributing to their deaths. 'waaaah my mental health' well at least youre not being bombed, did you think about that??" and its like. i absolutely get where youre coming from but you dont get to complain that guilt tripping is bad then turn around and use it anyways because you think the cause youre using it for is worthwhile. like. everyone thinks the cause theyre using it for is worthwhile, thats why theyre using it. but its still a shit way to do it
#like when you make a tumblr post to your tumblr blog youre not guilt tripping people who disagree with you#youre guilt tripping your followers who if theyre still following you probably already agree with what youre saying#and esp on a topic with so much brutality involved like. yeah OBVIOUSLY theres people who have to look away#like. yall know a bunch of these posts and articles and videos show graphic injuries in them right?#like i physically cant watch news videos abt this bc i will spend days with my brain making me imagine#peoples deaths in graphic detail specifically because it knows that will upset me. and i would prefer not to do that#in fact me doing that helps palestinians exactly as much as finishing my brussel sprouts helps starving kids#by which i mean none. its just a cheap guilt trip to get you to do something you don't want to#which when it's brussel sprouts thats whatever but when its 'deliberately expose yourself to extremely triggering#things otherwise youre a bad person'. not so much#idk i feel like maybe its due to ppl feeling. agitated abt not being able to do anything abt it#like the government isnt listening and we're a world away so physically /all/ we can do really is sit and watch#so i can understand a) wanting to find someone to lash out at to alleviate that feeling#like if you cant stop the actual problem at the very least you can shout down the people supporting it right?#and b) seeing 'not watching' or even just 'not watching as closely as i am' as a transgression#bc well its all we can do so if youre not even doing that you must be bad#and its like. i really do get it. but the whole world is watching right now‚ like this is THE big news thing happening rn#so a few people choosing to avoid to subject will not make a single iota of difference#idk. i guess what im saying is if youre feeling the urge to yell at someone for not looking close enough#just donate some money to a support fund instead itll do a lot more
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ashleyetc · 2 months
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'4d chess gender' just reads to me as 'if youre a trans woman you will have to play rhetorical 4d chess to get me to even consider not calling you bro man and dude' at this point. how is it awful to call ppl 'theyfabs' but literally resurrecting an antiquated slur because of some bizarre fixation on a tumblr clique from fucking years ago is fine as long as the trans women youre throwing it at are like, 'pretentious' (the way certain FOLX on here use the term to mean 'doesnt agree with me and has any meaningful understanding of politics'). but bringing up that trans women are treated like shit gets you met with 'ugh why the discourse we should be sucking and fucking each other not fighting' like some fucking tboy andrew tate fan shit like telling a woman complaining about how you are treating her by saying 'shut up and suck my dick' isnt direct misogyny meant to put us in our place (as sex servants for the real human beings). this site is a fucking trashfire and anyone who tells you there is any kind of cohesive meaningful overarching 'trans community' is selling you something or trying to fuck you
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kn11ves · 1 month
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emotional support group for autistics who got called condescending and rude as kids just for responding to things directly and still not knowing how they were being mean
#what did i do#i got constantly told by my mother and step father (and his family) that i always talked like i knew better than they did or that i was#just as mature. i was just fuckjng talking what the hell did you want me to do#why do you feel attacked when a 10 year old speaks to you as an adult????? literally what#i dont know on that note sometimes its just like i dont even feel like ive aged at all#sure i have a giant explosion of time in my head just Gone from my memory because i was getting abused but like i dont feel like ive aged#or really matured ive felt like ive alwats felt#i cant relate when epople are like me when i feel all my ages or i wish i could go back to being x age or being x age everything felt so#different..like no it didnt. or im missing something?#i have never in my life felt like anything has changed. ive always been this old. there is no ''inner child'' and ive never had childhood#innocence or a nostalgia or childhood to go back to. i have no idea what any of you are talking about ever👍#ugh jst rmemebred skmething that happened with my white step dad's mother#we visited her house and she literally fucking didnt let me go (not physically) until i replied to her with Correct Granmar. what was i#doing? i was reaponding to her by saying ''yeah'' and she kept repeating ''yes'' like telling me to say yes instead of yeah and i didnt#Fucking Get It because guess what you old white cracker i barely fucking speak english and you are just saying things in an aggressive tone#like thats gonna make me get it. and i Didnt i just kept replying yrah to her yes's and then she got tired of it and we left out the door#and theeeeen i got yelled at in the car by being called disrespectful and rude by my parents. WHAT THE FUCK DID I DO?????????#those crackers never liked me LOL i literally know they didnt#ugh i rmemeber this one time my step dads father was like trying to show me some dumb boxing or karate or something punching move and he#told my mother that i was good at it because he felt i had a lot of aggression and then NY MOTHER YELLED AT ME IN THE CAR FOR IT??????#oh fucking wonder why te kid being abused mighthave aggression but she didnt Know (apart from what She was doing to me) like why would it#be my fucking fault if he thought i had aggression in me HOW IS THAT MY FAULT WHAT DIDBI DO I WAS JUST TRYING TO DO THE MOVE BECAUSE WELL#I WAS TRYING TO GET ALONG BECAUSE THATS WHAT THEY WANTED ME TO DO#she was like do you know how much that embarassed me and WHAT THE HELL HE SAID IT I DIDNT I WAS LIKE#8??? OR SOMETHING???? I DONT FUCKING KNOW!!! I DIDNT KNOW WOMAN WHAT DID YOU WANT FROM ME#mothers when they mother👍
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smol-tired-binch-blog · 11 months
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hate how im now at a point where im legit like kicking my legs and grinning like an idiot over fictional characters SEND HELP
#take One Guess who im talking about. YES ITS KOI BOI#hes so prettyyyyy and cute and lovely and i love looking at him i wanna hear him speak and laugh and sing just AAAAAAAAAAAA#(turns to my own brain) BITCH WE ARE MEANT TO BE AROACE WHY ARE YOU IN LOVE WITH TWO FICTIONAL CRIMINALS WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?????#my brain: (that fuckin anime girl gif from evangelion (i think??))#like fuuuuuck man is it self shipping if u use a proxy? like. hes an oc but he's a stand in for me. he is me and i am him but we also arent#he is his own person and i am my own our lives are very very different but i use him to express love for Mad Dog and Koi Boy#cause they could actually love him if i were in their world i wouldnt stand a chance but my boy has one so he loves them for me#its far easier to imagine him kissing them than it is for me to imagine myself kissing them but that might be because im wired weird#idk it *feels* like it counts yknow. my dumbass out here gettin jealous when i see a Certain Ship cause like i disagree with it on#a Fundamental Level. and on TOP of that half the time the art is so CUTE and im like 'motherfucker that should be ME' or i guess my lad but#STILL am i making sense?? doesnt help that i worry im like. misreading what content i have but also fuck you i can do what i want and also#i get him more than yall kgyugkhjhk (jk jk. Unless) basically when i call them my boyfriends i fuckin mean it#look its Real Missing Nishiki Hours i love him i wanna kiss his perfect face someone shoulda shown him love i could save him and he could#make me worse <3 I Want Him#and do not get me wrong i may be focused on him but Majima is still my wifey too!!! hes mine you cant have her <3#i just have koi boy brainrot i very much desire them Both (YES THAT MIGHT BE WHY I SHIP THEM TOO LOOK I ALSO THINK THEYD WORK WELL TOGETHER#OR AT LEAST HAVE A FUN DYNAMIC TO EXPLORE I SHOULD DATE THEM AND THEY SHOULD DATE EACH OTHER WE ALL HAVE 2 HANDS)#might delete this in the mornin who knows but im feelin silly i wanna talk about them i wanna talk about my boy but idk if ppl would really#GET IT yknow i can think of maybe Two People and that INCLUDES bestie but just aaaa point is i love my koi boy so much hes so lovely <3 <3
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hecksupremechips · 2 days
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Girl like. The reason he said "this is how it should be" and faced death with a smile....is cuz he wanted to die. For 2 years he sat there thinking he was worthless and deserved to die. If he hadn’t be shot, his death would’ve been suicide, he was fully planning to die in a gutter somewhere undetected. When saying "this is how it should be" hes literally saying "don’t cry because I’m dying, my death is a good thing actually because I fucking suck and you are better off without me". I don’t think that’s badass even slightly, it’s actually really sad and really shitty. Shinjiro is so convinced that he deserves to die and hates the idea of anyone giving a shit about him because he literally can’t wrap his mind around the idea that he will be missed when he’s gone, that his death is a bad thing actually. And his last words were meant to be comforting because he fully did not intend for anyone to be there when he died, he intended to die alone, so he says them as a reminder that he’s not worth crying over
Personally, if it were me, if I was holding my dying best friend in my arms who was deeply depressed and suicidal and he said "this is how it should be" uh. I wouldn’t admire him for it??? Like am I losing my mind when I say the way this game handles Shinji is bad or is anyone else seeing this too 😰
#its like okay listen i understand the basic math of any persona game they say things and everything they say is actually#very bad when you think about it for more than 3 seconds#like what theyre intending to do with the death of this character is be like oh no your sad friend dies tragically thats so saddddd#but that doesnt mean you cant live a wonderful life full of meaning you cant let grief consume you life is beautiful awagga#and i guess shinji is a specific character whos used cuz i guess its more tragic that he never realized he was worthy of life and shit#and i guess its also like ‘dont be like this guy who let grief consume him and then died you gotta Be Different’#which i dont. love. that last part cuz if you think about shinji and what led him down this road#its like. of course hes depressed! he accidentally killed a woman with a child when he was 16!#he himself is an orphan and he just made some other kid an orphan as well and it happened cuz his persona went out of control#which very much can translate to ‘this must mean im dangerous and can hurt everyone if im not kept under control’#so of course he isolated himself and believed he was evil and became suicidal like who wouldnt feel that way#like am i supposed to be mad he left sees and took drugs cuz uh while i dont think isolation or Evil Drug is good for his mental health#i dont think him continuing to fight in sees is something he can just easily do again given how he killed someone like he shouldnt have to#be a part of this thing anymore like how would he even safely get castor to not do that??? he cant kill more people on accident!#so yeah like using shinji as an example of bad coping mechanisms is already just. a big fucking oof to me like it just feels like the game#is saying he shouldve gotten over it and simply not be suicidal and stayed on the team. idk if thats the intent but uh it wouldnt faze me#cuz persona games are notoriously awful at writing characters who are traumatized and abused#but what makes everything even worse is how the game kinda like. acts like shinjis death is a stepping stone#like we’re supposed to use it as a wake up call and understand the stakes but keep going on anyways#and akihiko and Ken get. ‘great character development’ according to the game telling you they have now developed#but damn all akihiko is is just repressed he cries for 3 seconds and then is like I SHOULD MAN UP and then neglects a depressed child#shinjis dying words are words to live by now even though they piss me the fuck off like girl am i crazy HES FUCKING#HES TELLING ME NOT TO CRY OVER HIM BECAUSE HE SHOULD BE DEAD ACTUALLY AND THIS IS A GOOD THING ACTUALLY#like if the game wants us to still find meaning in life despite losing someone it just really hurts that shinji has to die for that to work#apparently. cuz the character i see myself in is shinji. not some perfect prettyboy who does everything perfectly and has 4 gfs#his death seems like a punishment for bad behavior. the bad behavior being of course depression and drug use. and im simply supposed to be#better than that if i want to live. and we dont get to form a connection with him cuz thats gayyyyy#and his death is like a NOBLE HEROIC SACRIFICE idk its just such bullshit to me i hate it so bad#how is killing a suicidal guy and then treating it as admirable that he said ‘this is how it should be’ supposed to make me feel#makes me feel sick personally and it ruins the entire game’s theme to me because its fucking shallow and the story is bad and im tired
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bittwitchy · 14 days
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see the reality is i post on my rps usually when nobodys been there a bit and nobody is probably online, but the mental illness in me keeps saying its bc everyone secretly hates me and i dont deserve love, and when i tell a gov doctor that, they basically just say ‘take your antidepressant’s and shut up’ which is also funny when said gov doctor wont refill my fucking antidepressants in the first place
#what i need is smthn for my anxiety and PROBABLY the obviously worsening ocd#but anxiety meds and antidepressants dont mix well#just like adhd meds and anything else dont mix well#which is why i just have a redbull if i need to focus bx it works for a few hours and then i pass out#which isnt healthy but its better than going through the diagnosis process AGAIN bc they dont have my info anymore#its early sad times rn w brina who hasnt gotten an ounce of treatment at all hi#see the other thing is#if i talk about my mental health at all#people will either hate me for being annoying which is what my brain will pinpoint#or feel sorry for me which i also dont want#all i rly wanna do is vent but thats never really an option at all#like yes i know its not normal to want to have a breakdown and cry bc your fucking pillow isnt the correct fluff and wont dluff#i know its not normal to feel like you should die because something wasnt in fhe spot you put it in and was moved slightly#im aware. and the reality is nobody who can do anything about it cares#i have to get an authorization to see a therapist or get meds at all even tho the card claims i dont have to#and the doc tbey gave me wont give me one#they dont allow email so i cant leave a paper trail when bitching at them and my calls go ignored#im losing my mind steadily#and thats not even onto the physical problems#but also the sheer fucking audacity of the website being all ‘oh just go to ERs and UC snd we’ll cover it’ vs hospitals specifically saying#‘we will refuse you if you have Gov Ins unless you have the money to pay out of pocket#if youre on gov insurance you dont have fucking money thats the entire fucking point. you creedy fucknuts go shove tour nepotism in your#fucking eyes and die if anyone doesnt deserve to fuck its you fuckfaces#sometimes i just want to scream esp when this doesnt seem to be most other ppls issues#but then i talk to other women and it is#it just doesnt make sense and i hate it#but i never rly got help on private insurance either so#tbd#depression cw
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healingheartdogs · 20 days
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People who don't know dog body language who have pushy sketchy dogs are so awful to be around. I told our housemates that their dog Klaus doesn't like me when we went out to watch the eclipse earlier today because I didn't want to go in the fenced yard with him out and they were like "oh no he's fine don't worry." When he saw me he charged up to the fence, high flagged tail, snorting and barking and jumping at the fence and they still were like "oh he's friendly, he just wants to smell you, see his tail is wagging". Like my dude... tail wagging does not mean friendly, and what about the noises he's making rn sounds friendly to you?
Selene's sister grabbed him and I thought she was going to take him inside because she acted like she was going to, but instead she stopped halfway and just held him back while I came into the yard and then let him go to run up and sniff me, which he had very stiff body language the entire time he did so. For a while after that he ignored me because of the kids calling him away and was chill, but still kept coming over and sniffing me occasionally and was very tense each time so I just tried to stay calm and sweet talk him and didn't try to touch him to help defuse the situation.
Then I walked a little away from the group to point out a plant in the yard to Selene's mom which was a mistake because once I was out of the little circle we were standing in he started body blocking me, tense face, stiff body, whale eyeing, and then jumping at me and barking. They tried to call him away and were like "oh he's just trying to get you to play, sorry he's so demanding of attention." I started trying to walk toward the gate to leave because he very much was NOT trying to get me to play and I did not feel confident in their ability to control him, and he immediately did it again. And again they tried to call him away. And I got maybe another two steps before he turned right back around and did it again. And they called him away again saying he was just trying to play. Rinse and repeat for a total of like six times of him body blocking me, tense and whale eyeing, and then jumping at me and barking. All while they're just laughing like "Sorry, Klaus just really loves playing". Dudes your dog is actually behaving aggressively toward me right now, please get control over him so I can leave he is NOT TRYING TO PLAY WITH ME.
This is the second time I've been invited into the yard while Klaus was out and the first time they kept telling me the same thing but he was actually following me around growling at me then and they were still like "oh it's just cuz he doesn't know you yet, he'll warm up to you, he's friendly". YOUR DOG IS SKETCHY. I DONT WANT TO INTERACT WITH HIM. HE DOESN'T LIKE ME. PLEASE JUST PUT HIM INSIDE WHEN I'M IN THE YARD WITH Y'ALL. And PLEASE learn some dog body language because nothing about his right now says "friendly" at all!!!!! Not even a little!!!! TAIL WAGGING DOES NOT MEAN FRIENDLY, ESPECIALLY A HIGH FLAGGED TAIL.
#i will not be going back into the yard while he is out#i only did this time because they made it seem like they were going to put him inside#but then didn't#i do not trust that dog#and they are oblivious and just laughing while he is actively menacing me#cant tell them shit about it though because they act like we're criticizing their parenting if we do and get offended#and then be like 'well your dogs are out of control so what do you know' because my dogs bark at strangers#like... okay your dog growls at and menaces strangers???? mine just bark at strangers who talk to them and try to rile them up#and i dont correct them for that because its not worth correcting and also not their fault#your dog is actually dangerous and you dont have control over him#my dogs are not dangerous and when i tell them to be quiet and get inside they do#so who doesnt have control huh????#theyre just mad because theyre the strangers my dogs bark at sometimes and since i dont like how they interact with my dogs i allow it#because they are rude as fuck and do not respect my dogs' boundaries at all#and think that dogs shouldnt be allowed to have boundaries because they should be 'kid safe“ which really means shut down from punishment#thats how they are with klaus which is a big part of why i dont trust him too#because they have created a dog who gets punished for setting boundaries so that the kids can 'safely' climb all over him and annoy him#and to me that is a recipe for a dog that doesnt give a lot of warning before becoming aggressive because hes been punished for it#i do not trust dogs who have been punished for having boundaries#and i dont trust their owners either#also them doing that means their kids think they can do whatever they want to dogs and interact very rudely with them#so i dont let their kids interact with my dogs at all now because even with me constantly correcting them they ignore me and are rude#and that definitely is something theyre also salty about because their kids want to play with my dogs#and they also want my dogs to play with Klaus and there is mo way in hell I'd allow that which they also dont like#hes an intact bully who they have admitted can be 'really fiesty' with other dogs#and Hermes is an intact male who seems to have a 'kick me“ sign on him for other dogs and i just wont risk it#and it drives them crazy that i dont trust their strange dog not to be aggressive to my dogs and wont let them all be 'friends'#DOGS DONT NEED TO BE FRIENDS WITH STRANGE DOGS THEY DONT KNOW OR LIVE WITH#I hate ignorant pet owners that make their ignorance my problem#rant
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pezpenser205 · 21 days
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3am monday morning mood
#insert garfield i hate mondays joke here#op#...........................................................................................................................................#........................................................................................................................#......................................................................................................................#.......................................................................................................................#...........................................................#............................................................#sui mention tw if you read further for some odd reason#was highkey wanting to change my mind before the date came but now im not so sure thats gonna happen#i dont have a lot of time#2 days is not enough to get a job or change my mind so i dont even know what im gonna do#i feel like im dreaming all the time#'i dont know what im gonna do' is for sure a lie though i damn well know come on now#its simple a + b = c math#(im a waste of resources) + (i dont even like being here and am not a person anymore) = (i shouldnt be here)#i think my family will get over it like none of them even talk to me anymore (not that i make it easy but still)#i have nothing that somebody else cant have or do better than me its not that big of a deal.#like literally i cant fucking comprehend what anyone would like about me anymore#everything bad about me so clearly outweighs the 1/10 times i can be funny or dependable or considerate.#im just taking advantage of others' compassion at this point#when i say 'i am not a person' i mean that with 100% sincerity#i get surprised and scared when people talk to me and have no concept of self and no real hobbies. im just empty im not even angry anymore#im beyond unhinged tbh i have zero self awareness and feel like im the only person like me that exists and im rambling-#-and oversharing all the time and talking over others because i fail to even really understand or consider what theyre saying anymore#-and simultaneously i feel too unremarkable to be worthy of life#i feel like im playing my entire life in VR like nobody and nothing here is real. none of you are even real.#this feels the same as typing in a word document i just always feel alone no matter who im talking to or what im doing#i feel like the only real person in the world and the only one that shouldnt be here#i cant even bring myself to feel scared of death. im just. nothing. even when im crying i dont feel anything at all
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autisticlee · 9 months
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one thing I really struggle with as an autistic person when it comes to socializing is most people (particularly neurotypicals and many allistics) know a lot of stuff about a lot of different things. they always have something to talk about with each other and can curate their conversations to each other because their knowledge on a vast variety of subjects allows them to. whether it's celebrities, politics, media, fashion, gossip, or whatever, they always have many things they can talk about or can join in any conversation easily. most of them only want to talk about surface level things, which I believe is what we consider "small talk." they usually dont deep-dive into one particular subject. they bounce around and change often. they're basically satisfactorily skilled in many, but masters of none.
this is particularly seen among neurotypicals and even many allistics (from my experience, for example, I've met many adhd people who know many things and can't settle on only one/few interests). rarely, it happens in autistic people, but it does occasionally (I've met at least 1 or 2). generally, autistic people struggle with this. we are known for our intense focus and limited interests. we often don't possess "common knowledge" everyone else seems to know, because we are only focused on the one or few things that interest us. everything we know centers on our special interests. therefore, if we can't talk about them in a conversation, we literally lack the databank to participate in most conversations.
some of us may try really hard participate, but that's when they get mad at us for talking about the things we know about and love, accusing us of changing the subject, making it all about us, and not shutting up about That One Thing. however, if we just listen to them talk, they also get mad at us for not speaking/participating! it's very difficult and we can't win. they don't understand why we struggle and are confused why we don't Just Know Things they do, things "everyone know!"
participating and joining in conversation as an autistic person isn't always necessarily about "poor speaking/communication skills" (if you are a verbal autistic, or if you're able to do text conversation), sometimes it's simply the subject matter of said conversation we struggle with. that's one reason why you'll often hear that "autistic people communicate with autistic people just fine." if you find one that shares your special interests, you'll never run out of things to talk about! it's also common for autistic people to allow and even enjoy letting other autistics ramble about special interests, even if they themsleves don't know anything about it.
many autistic people (who are verbal or can participate in text conversations) really want to socialize and join conversations! many try their best to join. unfortunately, usually talking about special interests/things they know about and relating the conversation to those things is the only way we can say anything and not simply be a quiet listener (and then get told we're "too weird and quiet")
do I think this is our fault? not at all. there's nothing wrong with enjoying things you enjoy and talking about them! it's just unfortunate that most people refuse to converse with us if they don't know or care about the things we do. (which is ironic that they get so upset at us for not participating in conversations about things we don't know or care about with them lmao) or they refuse to see that it's our way of trying our best to show we have interest in them and want befriend or converse with them. we are always expected to know the things THEY like and know about and be able to talk about them, but we are not allowed to expect the same things from them.
this is why I found that I can't be or stay friends with people I dont share interests with, and why I lose friends as soon as one of us loses interest in the shared interest. there's nothing else to talk about. I dont know how to come up with other things to talk about. I don't know anything else.
i'm not sure how to get around this. it's something i've always struggled with and probably ways will. it can impede more than just friendships as well. as someone who has tried twitch streaming for years now, this is always gets in the way of becoming a better streamer. most streamers i've watched and enjoyed are ones that always have something to talk about. they never stop talking. they know many things and have many stories. when I stream, i'm mostly quiet, talk about the only 2 things I know about and reoeat myself over and over, or narrate the game i'm playing or drawing i'm working on. people will say a thing in chat and i'll have to respond "oh I don't know what that is. tell me what it is" so they tell me and that's where it ends because I can't speak on it. this causes everyone who joins my stream to leave within 10 minutes or less out of boredom most likely. my average viewers every stream is between 0 and 0.5. not even friends stick around to watch me because they get bored.
i'm told it's a "skill" you can work on and learn....but let's be honest, "learning" about conversation topics and things you don't care about just to appease and entertain others sounds boring and torturous to me. i've tried this tactic for many years and it leaves me feeling disconnected, bored, and lonely. if anyone decides they enjoy me and/or my content in the little niche corner I exist in, then that's great and i'll give them a piece of my heart lmao. if not, i'd rather exist in this comfy corner with things I enjoy alone and not waste energy on things I don't care about even if it could bring more people and socializing to me. because in the end, that existence is lonlier than actually being alone.
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nyanspirals · 1 month
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hm for the record i am still very much a communist and still very much support countries like the old USSR and the DPRK and i am 100% against NATO in 100% of the cases because NATO is nothing but a tool of imperialism that is always working for its own self interest no exceptions, no matter what that might mean for innocent civilians caught up in the crossfire. but like you CAN be against something while also being against what theyre against yk. idk where this idea that im a russia supporter comes from lol ive never said anything of the sorts. being willingly provoked into retaliation by NATO doesnt make russia a good guy it just makes NATO a bad guy who was working out of self interest
#neon.txt#i dont bother to make posts about my political views because its impossible to discuss with people who refuse to debate out of good faith#like no matter what i say the moment they hear 'the USSR was not evil actually' all liberals will understand is#'communism is flawless and i love putin and stalin did nothing wrong ever and there were no mistakes in the old USSR'#its just 🤷‍♂️ pointless. ive gotten facts wrong in the past thats for sure but like everytime i end up correcting myself in the end#but people never wanna bring up those cases 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️#im saying this because grape asked me to explain myself and i think its a fair request 🫶#TLDR modern russia very bad NATO bad as well#USSR was not flawless obviously but half of what you know of it is propaganda or things extremely lacking in context#i am always willing to debate these things but i ignore and block anybody who wants to debate out of bad faith#i am a communist. and i look up to real communist experiences for guidance and inspiration. both for their flaws AND their hits.#because there is absolutely no point to being a communist or being against capitalism if you arent willing to actually Do something about it#and Doing Something means there will be mistakes eventually. as is discussing politics. as much as i wish that was the case i cant#get my facts right 100% of the time lol sorry about that but like i am ALWAYS willing to listen to people who arent being bitches about it
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gibbearish · 9 months
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hey @humans saw yall responded to a post making fun of you for updating the pixel alignment of a dash icon rather than fixing anything important saying "changes like this feel small but can make a big difference for some people" which is a bullshit cop out if ive ever heard one so im here to tell you directly in a way you cant wiggle out: you know what would actually make a big difference for a LOT of people? not being transphobic assholes
#that response was so deeply annoying to me like they couldve been like 'yeah its not big but it was technically an update#so we had to include it in the update report' but they tried to frame it as 'well ackshully everyone was BEGGING us to perfecltly#align this pixel so youre WELCOME' and its like. man fuck off you dont get to throw a fit that your userbase is pissed off about#repeated blatent bigotry and then try to act like youre doing us a favor moving an icon a smidge#yall know exactly what the users want you to do to improve this site and are ignoring it because you dont actually give a shit#but you cant say that bit out loud so you have to keep talking circles around it because you know the dirty queers are the main people#keeping your site the tiny bit afloat it still is but are unwilling to actually treat us well so you have to#talk in circles and pretend you give a shit and hype up minor updates like theyre godsend while fucking over trans people anyway#anyways i hope the transphobe on staff is the one who opens this tag notification#just kidding thats all of them because if youre willing to keep a transphobe on your team and allow them to make changes#that directly target lgbt people then you are all transphobes#whats that saying thats like 'if you have 3 nazis and 9 regular men at a table you have 12 nazis'? that#i dont actually expect them to respond to this post bc like. theyre obviously already aware people are mad about this and have just been#avoiding the subject especially if PIXEL ADJUSTMENT is something theyre responding to instead but#w/e#also moving an icon slightly does not make a big difference for anyone sorry not sorry i guarantee if it hadnt been#included in the updates post not a single person would have noticed or cared#they just need something to pad their uodates post out with so people hopefully eont notice the glaring lack#of 'fired the transphobe' 'unblocked queer tags' 'turned off the image filter that targets trans women a lot for some weird reason'
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puppyeared · 2 years
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weird that the shape of love is two beating hearts glued together and not two hands holding each other
#well technically it comes from the shape of two hearts sewn together but i dont know how that translates to romance.. literally its kinda#disturbing but symbolically i guess it is kind of sweet#my friend and i were talking and she said something about someone saying a lover cant just be a friend you can kiss but i think i disagree#i kind of think the point of a lover IS a friend you can kiss because like it must get exhausting having to convince yourself you can only#feel romantic things towards your lover right? i mean i dont know if my feelings are shaped like anyone else's so maybe its more of a case#by case basis. for me id like someone whose hand i can hold and i can make pancakes for them and maybe kiss but like not strictly romantic#and not strictly platonic. and my feelings are all over the place because one day ill be really into someone i like and another day ill be#really chill about it. so its hard to say what i feel for someone if its always changing#maybe thats why i think lovers should be friends you can kiss because its coming from my way of feeling? hmmm#like i want to be able to say i love you and mean it romantically one day and then say love you in a platonic way the next day and itd be#ok?? does that make sense??? like i know its the same phrase but its like the feeling i put with it is different each time. idk#its why i find dating someone hard because its constantly going up and down and its never balanced. itd probably really confusing unless i#were to date someone whose feelings works the same way. just some food for thought i guess but then again every relationship needs work#im not sure if that fits into the category of work though.. i cant tell myself what im going to feel#it just happens and theres not much i can really do about it except tell that person what im feeling. hnnnnnhhgh#maybe its better if i just stick to watching fictional couples work it out lmao#yapping#txt
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