#I don’t have the time to invest in what will be important to me but just a friendship to you

[ironunderstands]

Topaz appreciation post because she’s been rotating around my brain like a rotisserie chicken and I need y’all to get her like I do 

Genuinely, I believe her to be the most underrated limited 5 star in the game everything wise, because she is so damn interesting and nobody talks about it ever and it drives me nuts.

So, I’m going to make you understand why exactly I love her and what makes her so amazing in the first place.

Her lore 

Topaz’s lore is rather simple, at least compared to other characters in the game, but simple ≠ bad and her story serves her perfectly.

Long before Topaz was Topaz, she was a girl named Jelena, living in a desolate planet at the edge of the galaxy. The economy of this planet was based around mining and industry, which resulted in her home becoming more and more polluted as time went on. The wildlife almost completely disappeared, people had to wear masks to breathe, and it seemed like her planet was reaching a hopeless, dismal end.

Until the IPC came. They promised to fix everything, and heal her planet of its environment problems, in exchange for every person on the planet signing a contract of indentured servitude to the IPC. Seeing no other way out, Topaz’s home accepted, forever tying her and the rest of the planet to the IPC.

Topaz is was (and still is) incredibly talented and competent, excelling in science, economics, finances, math, etc. Her exceptional talents caused her mentor  and parental figure Dvorski, who works in the Strategic Investment Department to recommend her to Jade, one of his superiors. Presumably, this is how she started her climb up the corporate latter, eventually becoming the Topaz we know and love today. 

Throughout this, she maintained her friendly and headstrong attitude, and never abandoned her love for animals or the people in her life like Dvorski, a trait which will be important for later. 

So, I’ve established the basics, so what makes this interesting?

Topaz’s trauma and how it affects her character 

I feel like a lot of people ignore just how much trauma she really has, and how it affects the way she behaves in the present.

For starters, her love of animals. Sure, Numby is adorable and in general this is a rather fun trait for a character to have, it’s not something you would consider to be a sign of something darker. 

However, remember that Topaz’s planet almost lost all of the life on it, and she witnessed firsthand almost every creature she knew and loved either go extinct or become severely endangered. 

So, when you view her love for animals through this lense, it’s easy to see that she’s so attached to animals because Topaz almost lost them forever, and this trait manifests in a lot of the behavior she exhibits.

According to Topaz herself, her efficiency goes up 27% when Numby is with her, and it seems to be blatantly obvious that being around animals give her at the very least a peace of mind/sense of comfort. I mean in game she is Topaz and Numby for a reason, and her relationship with them is a core part of the way she behaves. When Topaz can’t ground herself, she has Numby to help her with that, which hurts even more considering she is likely going on these missions alone 90% of the time, meaning her literal only friend is a pet/animal. 

Considering Topaz’s biological parents never get mentioned, it’s not hard to assume she is orphaned or at the very least estranged from them, likely due to the disaster on her planet, leaving her only loved ones to be her pets and Dvorski. Losing one half of the only support system she has would be devastating for Topaz, which is likely why she brings Numby everywhere (also considering I don’t think she has mentioned him in the present, her pets might literally be the only things she has left). 

In her own home, Topaz collects a myriad of species from across the galaxy, as if to preserve them so at least even if they disappear on their home planets like hers did, they won’t go extinct entirely. 

Personally, I think her fixation around them cooperating and coexisting also reflects on how she feels about other people. If animals from completely different planets can get along, so can people. If she can convince creatures lacking in intellect work together, then she can do the same for ones that possess it, as ultimately Topaz is a massive people person, and believes what she’s doing is best for the galaxy. 

It’s almost like an experiment, with every little change to their ecosystems, every new organism added, every new abiotic feature taken or removed, Topaz can simulate what that might be like in reality. In a way she wants to take care of humans  like she does her pets, however instead of doing it through her own means, she uses the IPC and her power as a Stoneheart as a vector for that.

But why is she so confident? What makes Topaz wholeheartedly believe that what she’s doing really is the best for the galaxy, even if we know it isn’t perfect, even if only ~80% of the planets she works on are “saved”?

Well, like always, it’s her trauma again.

Imagine you’re living on a planet slowly dying due to its people’s greed and ignorance, in which everything you know and love is falling apart, and absolutely nothing can be done about it. But you don’t need to imagine this, I mean this is a situation we are all going through, as it’s already what’s happening to our planet right now, so perhaps instead picture what it might be like to live here in a few decades if nothing changes. How miserable that would be, how upset you would be at those in power, how disappointed you would be in humanity for doing Nothing when we had so much time and already knew the consequences almost a century in advance (seriously we have known about climate change since like the 50s). 

So you give up hope and accept your fate, accept that everything is going down in flames and the humanity, the planet you know and love is going to be snuffed out forever.

Only to get saved when an outside influence comes to your assistance. Sure, they make everyone sign a contract binding their lives to them, but you wouldn’t have a life to give had they not helped. Besides, you owe it to every other thing that shares your planet with you, every plant, every animal, every organism has been utterly wiped out by human greed, so it’s only fair to pay them back, right? 

I mean it’s your whole world at stake, so how could you say no? How could you deem their terms unreasonable if clearly your own people didn’t deserve the responsibility they had over their own lives? If their situations could only be fixed by giving it to others who could guide them? By giving it to the IPC? The Preservation ?

This is the mindset Topaz grew up on and has known for her entire life. She has seen humanity utterly fail itself and is unwilling to allow that fate to befall others. She doesn’t trust other people to make the right decisions, she doesn’t think they know what’s best for them, because the people she was closest to, her very own people couldn’t do that, so how could she ever expect strangers to do the same? 

How could she ever give the leaders of these planets the benefit of the doubt, knowing that doing that for her own almost caused it to be wiped out completely? How could she see them as anything more than the selfish bastards who ruined everything? How could her heart not ache thinking there were people on the planets she helps who would be doomed to experience the fate that almost fell upon her had Topaz not stepped in. 

How could Topaz feel guilty over the planets that don’t succeed? The ones she can’t save? As after all, she thinks they were lost from the get go? Does it eat her up at night knowing she failed them? That she couldn’t prevent the folly of humanity this time, so the next planet she must work harder, be more stubborn, push back even more, so nobody ever experiences what she did instead?

I mean being an indentured servant hasn’t been that bad for her, she’s succeeded in every endeavor she’s set her mind to after all. Sure, she’s entirely alone, and sure, if the IPC no longer deems her or her people useful, they could cast them aside once again. 

But Topaz is smart, she climbed to the top of the latter, she’s been praised to hell and back, she’s known far and wide through the department for her efficiency and drive, surely she hasn’t done anything wrong?

Sure she’s heard whispers, rumors and projects of other departments, of the deep dark secrets of the company she owes her life too. Inwardly she wonders how those who follow the Preservation would even be willing to commit such atrocities, inwardly she hopes they are just rumors. The IPC saved her planet, so how could they destroy others? 

The Preservation’s power will protect all, will save them from their miserable existences. Nothing else matters in the process, no dissenter understands this as like Topaz does. She will save them, she will protect them, even if it means she is detested by everyone she encounters, it must be done. All for the Amber Lord.

I find it very compelling how despite the fact that Topaz has become a Stoneheart, she is still dressed in the fashion of an average IPC worker. As if she is an equal part of the puzzle as them. Equally useful, equally disposable, equally biased, equally ignorant, and equally foolish. 

I mean, how could she be anyway else?

Her future

Belabog was just as important for Topaz’s development as she was to it.

She was wrong. 

As stubborn as Topaz is, she is not arrogant, and when Bronya proved to her that the people of Belabog can and would fight for their future, Topaz did everything in her power to help them.

As that’s what she really cares about, people. 

I think Topaz the determination she has in Bronya and it shook her to her core. 

Because so far, the only way Topaz has seen real progress is from the hands of the IPC.

But Bronya doesn’t give into them, and she puts everything she has into saving her people. Moreover, Jarilo-VI follows the Preservation as well, but they don’t agree with the IPC’s method of it. 

Is the IPC wrong?

That is the question Topaz is faced with, what is the thing she has to grapple with once she leaves the planet. When they demote her for not getting the debt back immediately, does Topaz wonder why they were so concerned about that in the first place? Shouldn’t they be happy that a world blessed by their very own deity managed to pick itself up without their help? Isn’t that the point?

Does she think back to her previous projects, the planets she saved and the planets she failed, and wonder how it would have worked out without the IPCs involvement? 

Did Aventurine teasing her about “failing” the Jarilo-VI project confuse her, because they were still saved like Topaz wanted them to be in the first place? How could they ever be considered a failure?

She believes debts and payback are what holds planets together, but it only ever seemed to cause Belabog to fall apart.

This is the first time Topaz really is forced to reevaluate her priorities, to question if her methods are justifiable, if she’s really doing the right thing.

Belabog didn’t break her, it didn’t topple her worldview and turn everything on its head, but it did plant some seeds of doubt in her brain, seeds of doubt that will grow into a new mindset. 

HOYOVERSE IF YOU ARE LISTENING HOYOVERSE, GIVE HER THE MENTAL BREAKDOWN + PRIORITY REEVALUATION ARC SHE DESERVES!!! DO THAT AND MY LIFE IS YOURS PLEASE.

Like you don’t get it you don’t get it what do you mean they set all this up and they might not go anywhere with it. Please hoyo please please please let her break away from the IPC’s condition and warped perspective, please let her truly follow the Preservation, please make her turn away from them, please make her an emanator of Preservation after she does this. Topaz stoneheart form, Topaz emanator form. Please please please let her save the crew let her save her subordinates let her save the people she failed previously let her save Aventurine and Ratio let her save Numby let her save herself.

Her instability 

I have already somewhat touched on this in point #3, but Topaz just cannot exist in the state she is now permanently.

Like a radioactive element she’s going to slowly decay over time until she ends up in a more stable form, and who that will hurt in the process, and how long that will take, we will have to see.

Hypocrisy is not something that can exist for long within characters, as due to its inherent contradictions, it messes with the way they are characterized until they are eventually forced to either eliminate it themselves or have the story do it for them.

Topaz is a hypocrite, desiring to do good and help people, but she ends up hurting them in the process. 

However, she has only just begun to realize this, and as more and more of the IPC’s atrocities get revealed, it gets harder and harder for both the audience and her herself to justify her behavior as we witness the extent of their crimes.

So how has she remained this stable for so long?

Well, the IPC has done everything in their power to keep her that way. From a young age she was involved with them, as they not only saved her planet, but her only known parental figure worked in the Strategic Investment Department. Soon, he recommended her to Jade due to Topaz’s exceptional talent, and presumably the other Stoneheart quickly picked her up and took her under her wing, causing Jelena to rise fast within the ranks and become one herself.

The IPC has been Topaz’s only frame of reference for how things should be done, her only perspective on write and wrong for so long. The only hints she gets of other points of view are that of the people who destroyed her planet, her own people. Unintentional or not, Topaz has been made to feel her whole life like the IPC are heroes and the common people are foolish and greedy and evil, and only now has that worldview started to crumble piece by piece.

Sure, we have always known how terrible the IPC was, a perception that has only gotten more and more true over time. However, Topaz is not the audience, and in universe the IPC presents themselves in a very positive light.

Think of the Myriad Celestia trailer and how it portrays the IPC; that’s quite literally how they want to be viewed in game, how they market themselves to other people. If Topaz has only ever known them to be that great, shining, progressive company who vows to follow the Preservation and improve the universe, how could even begin to criticize them? After all, she had never known any other perspective. Even when she did fail in the past, Topaz viewed it as a strike on her own record and an unfortunate situation in general, not as a demonstration of the IPC’s misdeeds. 

The IPC is good, the IPC saves people, the IPC follows the Preservation, Topaz is a good person, Topaz does good things, Topaz helps people, Topaz saves people, there is nothing wrong, there won’t ever be anything wrong.

Until Belabog

They don’t want to cooperate with the IPC. To roll over and let themselves be gutted for all they are worth. 

Well that’s fine, that’s happened before, at least that’s how Topaz justifies it to herself. She thinks of their massive debt, it must be paid after all, otherwise how could the galaxy remain stable?

But the weapons the IPC gave Jarilo-VI were never used in its defense. The thing they owe the IPC for never ended up being valuable. Belabog stood on its own, without the help of IPC in its defense.

They saved themselves.

As if it couldn’t get worse, they did it with the power of the Preservation.

And it didn’t come from the IPC, it came from them.

The Interastral Peace Corporation, who claim to be followers of the Preservation, standing against people who really do have their blessing and being proved wrong.

Do you know how that would feel to Topaz.

She’s wrong, and she’s proven wrong by the very deity she claims to follow, she believes she follows.

So Topaz makes her choice.

Stick with the IPC’s plan, or stand with the people of Belabog 

And she stands with them.

Topaz’s character never changes. I hate when people act like she switched up on them and changed her whole worldview, but in reality that was the most in character thing Topaz has ever done in her entire life.

Because she cares about people, so when the opportunity presents itself, she will always stand with them. 

This is the first time Topaz goes against the IPC’s wishes, and it won’t be the last.

She made her choice, she demonstrated who and what she truly cares about, and that will only drive a wedge between her and the IPC further and further until she snaps.

I find it funny how Topaz is a fire type character, when the song core to Belabog’s themes is “Wildfire” 

However, maybe it isn’t just about them. I think it’s about the Preservation, about what the game in general is trying to tell its players.

How fighting for your right to exist will hurt, but it is not impossible, and that pain will be the only way to enact change.

Well, Topaz,

you made your choice

go fight against your fate 

Thank you so much for reading! I really enjoyed making this and I hope you at least understand why I think Topaz is such a compelling character. I need an arc centered on her in the future and if I don’t get one then trust me things will be dealt with. She will get her just desserts.

#honkai star rail #hsr #hsr analysis #topaz hsr #topaz #topaz honkai star rail #topaz and numby #Im insane about her I was tweaking while writing this #This community does not deserve Topaz #aventurine #dr ratio #I need to make a post on the parallels between the IP3 #They are so so so important to one another though #I hate when ppl downplay that #THE NARRATIVE PARALLELS GRRRRR #ppl need to acknowledge just how hard the IPC fucked up her too #Like it’s more obvious with Aven and Boothill but still

[oddlittlestories]

So I have finished season 1 of d20 fantasy high (freshman year).

First of all I am SO sad it was so short. Like the episodes were long, I’m cool there. I’m just sad it only felt like half a season at most. Just as things were warming up it was over.

Moping aside—I LOVED IT I LOVED IT I LOVED IT

I think I’ve said before that it feels like the way I run DnD campaigns but it *does*

Brennan Lee Mulligan is 100% on the side of the players and characters. Like he’s rooting for them 100%

And as things develop it is also clear that this story is built around the characters and not the other way around

Like I totally get why people love actual plays that are Dramatic and Big and Intricate and Epic Fantasy

But I spent most of my time as a player dreaming of a game that was structured around the PCs instead of us just having to play within the DMs world. It’s what I bring as a DM and it’s so the vibe FH gives me.

And it’s improvised! Like I can tell! Brennan Lee Mulligan obviously spends an enormous amount of time planning, it’s true. But when it comes to the moment, if something else is better—he does that!

Generic characters get turned into genuine NPCs. Like. There’s no way that the halfling family were meant to be anything more than a bit part. There’s just not. They remind me at the start of that little Dutch family in the commercial about learning English—the cute, polite ones dancing to the deeply explicit song. And then the players get invested. Ask if they’re gonna make it, if they’re okay, etc etc

And Brennan’s first response has such “that’s not our story” vibes.

And then he rethinks and he brings them back to check on the kids. And at some point he either thought “ooh this is gonna be funny” or “what kind of person would actually go pick up a group of kids fighting a gang to the death in the street?” And he just amps it up to eleven. It’s great.

And that whole halfling encounter leads to the ice cream shop with the super vivid ice cream elemental character. Did Brennan have that character in his back pocket? Possibly. He could’ve developed a bunch of shops in town. But I’ll tell you that I’ve improvised characters that my players found just as memorable. And now they’re going for ice cream again so it’s gonna be A Thing

And then T-Bone, the bouncer! There is no way this character was meant to be anything other than a bit obstacle, and now he works at their school. Because it was important to the PCs. I’ve seen any number of DMs, actual play and otherwise, who shut that stuff down. “Oh no the school isn’t really appropriate.” “You don’t think this will get anywhere with Goldenhorde.” Or finding another job posting to shuttle the character off. But the players want it so the players get it.

And Brennan is constantly throwing out these little details that just beg for character empathy. T-Bone’s sick dog. How the necromancer kid loved his little rat, named himself after emancipation, and wanted so desperately for the cemetery caretaker to like him. Those throwaway lines about Johnny Spells’ gang- “how’s his home life? It’s–it’s bad!” and “yeah they all had names, and backstories [starts listing them off]”

I’ve never seen another actual play where the players and DMs have DnD bits. Where it’s like. Funny but also we’re taking it seriously.

Idk. I’m probably not describing it the best but it’s just exactly how I love to play & run games and it feels so Genuine to my experiences where most actual plays just don’t connect

Also I love love love the characters and story

#d20 #d20 fantasy high #dimension 20 #dimension 20 fantasy high #d20 spoilers #spoilers

[topflights]

wrestling is so weird. like. these aren’t real people. but they ARE real people. but they’re not. sometimes they use their real names, sometimes they act like themselves, but they’re still CHARACTERS, despite using the same name and acting like themselves and generally just being a person. but then you have people that act like they’re demons or gods or aliens and like. they’re considered just as normal and average and they’re just tossed into a ring with ppl that are Just Dudes, and sometimes the Just Dudes WIN!!!

sometimes it’s so hard to be like “hey this is a character, this isn’t a real person” when you see like. dante martin or jon moxley or toni storm or jamie hayter or somebody that’s just a Person. but then they go up against malakai black or danhausen or abadon or alien gimmick kris statlander and it’s like oh yeah, that’s right, this is all very much a story telling experience that’s being acted out for my entertainment and i LOVE that. i can’t get that kind of experience anywhere else. thats such a pro wrestling specific emotion to feel and i love it so much. kayfabe is so fun.

#note that this isn’t me insinuating that kayfabe can’t be broken #i think it’s totally fine for ppl to break kayfabe. i was JUST praising the bucks for breaking kayfabe on bte this week #bc it gave the video a somuch more authentic feel bc it WAS authentic. #at least more authentic than usual. sometimes it’s nice to see the people that play our favorite kayfabe people #the person behind the character is still important #even if i usually don’t partake in a ton of out of kayfabe content just bc i rlly enjoy the stories and characters #i don’t usually talk out of kayfabe. i’m a very in kayfabe person. but i love and appreciate that wrestlers aren’t forced #to maintain their characters at all times anymore. sometimes i DO wanna know what wrestlers think. and it’s very nice especially in times #like this where they can use their influence for good and offer their support for causes they care but #even if their character wouldn’t necessarily do that #anyways. i have a lot of feelings and opinions abt kayfabe but it basically boils down to. #let people enjoy kayfabe. but let wrestlers be people. respect people that enjoy and get invested in kayfabe #but also don’t harass wrestlers that like having a separate out of the ring persona where they can be more themselves #astra talks

[maxfew]

#i haven’t said anything mostly because i’ve been at work and i’m now getting ready to go out #so i haven’t rlly had time to put together something thoughtful #and i’m as white as they come so my voice is in no way shape or form one of the ones that needs to be amplified #but i hope you guys (my max mutuals) know that not every issue regarding max is some knee jerk fan war sort of situation #like yeah. he should not have said that and i really hope that’s not what he genuinely believes #there are many people who will look at his statements today and NEVER be able to rationalize why someone could support him #and this immediate ‘oh don’t fill the max tag with hate’ just feels tone deaf to me.....idk #like yeah the situation has nuance (obviously) but at the same time it doesn’t #so idk #be mindful #it’s hard to see someone you invest so much emotional energy with be so ignorant #but there are far more important things than your discomfort #what max said today was HARMFUL #i’m happy to hear other people’s perspectives if you’re willing to share #and please someone correct me if i’m wrong on this #the last thing i want is to contribute to these harmful cycles and rhetoric #👍

[steviescrystals]

my tags on the post i just reblogged got me thinking so here’s my current stream of consciousness

#i refer to ages 12-16 as my ‘church girl era’ bc that’s when i got really deep into christianity #like i went to church twice a week (regular sessions on sundays small groups on tuesdays) and to church events trips camps etc all the time #i even got baptized when i was 13 bc my siblings and i weren’t baptized as babies #like church was such a huge part of my life but i think it only became that bc of the specific church i went to #it was a nondenominational church and the environment was very chill for lack of a better word #and the social aspect of it was really what got me into the actual religion #i HATED going there when we first moved here bc i didn’t know anyone and i was so painfully shy #then in middle school i made a bunch of friends who went to the same church and suddenly it was so fun #that’s when i started going on tuesdays bc we would play games and have contests and stuff like that before the actual small groups #so it felt more like a club my friends and i were in than a church #but once i had those friends and i was comfortable being there i genuinely started to get more invested in christianity #bc i was actually paying attention to the sermons instead of just thinking about how anxious i was the whole time #so by the time i started high school i was very actively christian for the first time in my life #but somehow i drifted away from it just as easily as i fell into it #i started playing lacrosse when i was 15 and we had practice most weeknights so i couldn’t go to small groups anymore #and then our church merged with a bigger church in the area so we became a new branch of that church instead of a little community church #and the merger changed so much about the way the church operated that a ton of people just stopped going entirely including me #and it only took a few months for me to realize that i just didn’t really believe any of it or feel connected to it anymore #and idk even years later i still have love for a lot of those people and that part of my life #but it’s interesting how as soon as i lost that social community the church gave me i was completely disconnected from the religion itself #and at this point in my life i can’t see myself ever identifying as a christian again partly bc i just can’t get myself to believe in god #and partly bc of all the awful christians out there although i firmly believe there are still so many christians who are good people #for example my church was always accepting of the lgbtq+ community which obviously was and is super important to me #but yeah i just can’t see myself ever being religious again but at the same time i still find myself missing it sometimes even now #the community was clearly a huge part of it for me but it was also such a nice feeling to be so into the faith or wtv you want to call it #like i’ve always known my own values/morals ofc and i also love other forms of spirituality but actual religion is such a unique thing to me #like i don’t want to be christian again but i do miss the feeling of being christian/religious in general if that makes sense #and at least for me there really isn’t any substitute that can give me that same specific feeling which is honestly really sad to me #anyway. idk where i was going with this but if any former christians (or other ex religious people) want to weigh in i’d love your thoughts #lj.txt

[primerwater]

watching this drama and missing the obsessive friendships of middle school

#my tags got deleted #anyway I think this is the disconnect for a lot of my friendships #like I can’t love u the most if to u I’m just going to be ur friend #which to clarify there is nothing wrong with that I’m saying it from their pov like it’s to them just friendship but to me important? #it’s why I lowkey get disgusted when ppl Ik get into relationships bc here we go which is probably not normal but whatever #it’s also why when people try to be friends with me I just … don’t really follow up like #I don’t have the time to invest in what will be important to me but just a friendship to you #which is also probably not normal but fortunately I’m a very to myself and solitary person naturally so it’s fine #god and I sent it to someone bc I was like oh this scenes so cute #like to me it was giving how friendships are in middle school u know #and she was like ooo gay people like girl I literally said friendship whether they are gay or not isn’t relevant to what I said??? #and this is what I mean it’s always like this and I feel bad bc like according to tiktok that’s what people are getting #but that’s not why I sent it u know? #I literally said it’s giving girlhood tiktok edit which I said jokingly but why would that be ur response? #idk that I’m properly explaining myself #but it again doesn’t matter bc this is my own acc and I’m talking to myself but

[andhumanslovedstories]

Eight years ago I was so deeply invested in the American presidential election, I listen to multiple weekly podcasts, I was on twitter, I checked the polling updates, read the articles, watched the news, I could tell you the political happenings of every week of 2016, and we were on the road for a large portion of it so we had to work for it. We watched one of the presidential debates in a Las Vegas Panera before heading back to our campsite. I did something similar for the 2020 election because jesus christ what a fucking Historical Year. Now it’s 2024, and gearing up for the grind once more is such a dismal feeling. I don’t want to have to have an opinion on Nicky Haley’s viability as republican candidate. I don’t want to follow another twelve Trump trials. I don’t want to watch everyone even slightly left of center once again devour each other as we polarize about it’s a bigger war crime to vote for Biden or not vote for Biden. Everything is going to get so unpleasant and it’s so important and the stakes are so high and it’s gonna suck the whole time. I’m trying to think of one funny thing that could plausibly happen that would fill me with joy and not terror for the future of America and also the world, and so far I’ve only come up with Jeb Bush giving a presidential campaign another go.

[klausinamarink]

based on this hilarious video with Gianmarco Soresi whom I’ve been watching his comedy work for a few months now

read on ao3

“What do you do?” The standup of the hour - the guy had introduced himself as Eddie - points at Steve.

Flustered at the attention directing every eye in the club to his table, Steve tries not to stammer as he answers, “Well, uh, I make movies.”

“Oh!” Eddie genuinely looks interested. “So you’re a director?”

“Yeah, pretty much. At least I started out as an indie, but I have a big project that’s out and a couple more on the way.” One table nearby claps and Steve tries to wave them off to stop.

“So what was that big project? Was it something we would’ve seen?” Eddie repositions himself so he has one leg up on the stool. Steve stares at how lean they seem with the tight black jeans. He’s got them daddy long legs. His brain suddenly burps out and it nearly makes Steve lose his composure.

“Uh, ha, I did The Final Bat. It’s on Shudder.” Steve shrugs nonchalantly, perfectly hiding his internal cringe. The horror genre is way out of his league and Steve’s already seen The Final Bat being on a few critical lists damning the title as another cliche-filled mess. He only did it because he had finally caved to Dustin’s pleading to make at least one horror movie.

Eddie, on the other hand, seems ecstatic by this revelation. “No way! That’s sick, dude! So the next time you make a horror flick, you’re gonna watch Blumhouse and A24 coming in at each other with steel chairs for distribution rights.”

Everyone laughs, including Robin. She smacks on Steve’s bicep with a wide grin. He smacks her back before he turns back to Eddie and clarifies, “I don’t like horror! I’m not doing it again!”

Aghast, Eddie throws an invisible hat to the ground and stamps on his feet. “Come on! Then what’s the point of watching the studios bite each other’s dicks off when you’re slipping out to watch - I don’t know - the Barbie movie! Now they’re just fighting for the next shitty horror movie to exist!”

Steve covers his mouth but fails to hold back in the laughter. Eddie’s infectious energy is starting to get to him. It makes his chest clench with something other than the usual pains.

Eddie patiently waits for the patrons to quiet down before continuing, still attentive to Steve, “I’m just wondering actually if you ever done theater class.”

“Sure did! Two years in high school,” Steve confirms.

“Let me guess, they did Hamlet?” Eddie raises an eyebrow like it’s meant to be accusatory.

“Yep, soon after I joined.” Steve nods, the memory of that production flashing before his eyes. It had its ups and downs but it was one of the most fun things Steve had ever experienced.

“No wonder they started as soon as your handsome ass walked in the club.” Eddie says low and flirtatiously into the microphone, staring directly into Steve’s eyes. It echoes across the room and back, bringing the howling laughter with it.

Heat crawls behind his face. Steve keeps his hands on the table, forcing down the urge to hide behind them. “I-” He stops to cough, “I wasn’t supposed to play Hamlet.”

Eddie’s eyes go wide, “What do you mean?!”

Robin answers loud enough for everyone to hear, “He was the grave robber, but the other guy who did Hamlet got into a coma a week before the show and Steve knew all the lines.”

“W-Woah, woah, woah!” Eddie holds his hands out, looking scandalous. He throws looks around the club. “Everyone, shut the fuck up right now! This is more important than caring about the rest of you!” Eddie drags the stool over and perches on it like a very much invested gargoyle, almost oblivious to the audience’s reaction.

“Okay, let me go through this.” He points at Steve, still holding eye contact as if Steve’s soul would provide the answer. “You weren’t Hamlet. You were meant to be the guy who gives him the skull to monologue. The OG Hamlet got into a coma for some reason-“

“Car accident.” Robin interjects.

“Yeah, no need to elaborate, ma’am. You, Steve-” Eddie breaks off for a second, holding back a laugh of his own. “You somehow knew all the Hamlet lines because you were waiting to skin OG Hamlet’s head and make his skull yours to do the monologue.”

There’s a scandalous outcry from all tables. Even when they mostly calm down, Steve uses the growing anticipation to ‘think’ about what Eddie just said before he casually shrugs and says, “Sounds about right.”

Eddie drops his face into his arm, letting everyone laugh at him. Steve lets himself break, his laughter bubbling out of him in a way that doesn’t sound so self-deprecating or hollow. If he was in a cynical mood, he would’ve thought it was pathetic that the only person who made him laugh so lightly again was some random standup.

After a moment, Eddie finally looks up, his face broken in disbelieving grin. He chuckles into the mic and looks back at Steve, “Sorry, it’s just I hear some wild stories in the crowd some nights and I think yours takes the cake.”

Steve smiles, “Thanks, man.”

Eddie stands up back, half-leaning onto the stool. “Do you still remember those lines? To be or not to be?”

The whole damn thing. “Uh… some of it?”

Eddie’s grin shifts into something more mischievous. “Let’s see who knows more.”

A collective oooh goes around the room, including Robin. She already has her phone out for recording. Steve rolls his eyes at her and takes a quick sip of his water. He clears his throat and starts, “‘To be or not to be, that is the question.’”

“‘Whether 'tis nobler in the mind to suffer, the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune..’” Eddie says without missing a beat.

Oh, he thinks he knows it all. The sense of competition that Steve thought had died out with his future of a sports career reignites in his chest. He sits up even straighter. “‘Or to take arms against a sea of troubles and by opposing end them.’”

“‘To die-to sleep, no more.’” Eddie slowly walks over to the edge of the stage, “‘And by a sleep to say we end the heart-ache and the thousand natural shocks that flesh is heir to.’”

“'tis a consummation devoutly to be wish'd.’” Steve almost shivers as he recites the line, uncertain if it’s from the club’s cooling temperatures or the intense gaze from Eddie’s eyes. “‘To die, to sleep.’”

“‘To sleep, perchance to dream—ay, there's the rub,’” Eddie suggestively rubs a hand on his chest as he squats down. Steve’s eyes flicker to the hand, almost hypnotized by the motion. Nay, he shakes himself out of it. No distractions!

“‘For in that sleep of death what dreams may come, when we have shuffled off this mortal coil.’” It’s getting harder to remember the following lines. That hasn’t happened before. Steve has never forgotten the damn soliloquy in years, even when other people try to challenge him.

Eddie continues, “‘Must give us pause—there's the respect that makes calamity of so long life. For who would bear the whips and scorns of time, the oppressor's wrong, the proud man's contumely.’”

“‘The pangs-’” Steve feels his breath catching in his throat when he realizes, for the first time, what beautiful eyes Eddie has.

Oh. 

Eddie suddenly perks up in excitement. For a second, Steve thinks that Eddie has come to the exact same thoughts for him. But then he remembers that he hasn’t completed his line, so Steve feigns defeat.

“I win!” Eddie stands up with a triumphant cry. He spreads his arms out to embrace the cheering whoops and applause. “And I’ve only got to play Hamlet in-” He spins around and crouches down so he can look Steve in the eye again as Eddie’s voice booms into the mic, “-FOURTH GRADE, MOTHERFUCKER!” 

Steve’s not even mad. He just throws his head back, laughing and clapping along. 

Almost too soon, Eddie moves on to heckle on another table. But he keeps glancing over at Steve, his smile widening every time. And Steve smiles back, feeling a laugh slip out of his slips at every joke. He watches Eddie more closely, feeling his heart pound faster in his chest the more Eddie stays onstage. 

By the time Eddie has to depart and thank everyone for being here, Robin announces her need to go home and snuggle with her girlfriend. 

“Man, that was the most I’ve ever laughed in this place.” Steve stretches his back, groaning at the little pops. God, being in his early thirties can be a bitch sometimes.

Robin only hums, moving her eyebrows up and down suggestively. Steve pointedly makes no further comment as he pays the tab.

Outside, the crisp night air welcomes him. Steve takes in a whiff, staring up at the light-polluted sky as he bids Robin a goodbye. Then he hears his name being called. He turns around and sees Eddie hurrying out the doors.

Steve feels a smile already on his face, “Hey, Hamlet.” 

Eddie grins at him, teeth and all, “Hey, yourself.” 

They stare at each other but it lacks the competitive intensity earlier. Steve likes this. But he already has a feeling that this won’t be the first time either one of them would challenge the other.

“Sooo…” Steve says when the silence stretches a little too long. He gestures between himself and Eddie, “Wanna restart our introductions?”

Eddie’s eyes brighten, “Yeah! Right, sorry.” He clears his throat and thrusts a hand out. “My name is Eddie Munson. Self-proclaimed comedian and musician. You may recognize me as the guy who beat you in Hamlet’s famous speech.”

Steve takes his hand. Eddie feels bony and thin, but large enough to fit perfectly into Steve’s palm. He tries not to sound so eager as he says, “Steve Harrington. Film director who doesn’t like horror. Believe it or not, I actually know the whole stupid thing.”

Eddie tilts his head, narrowing his eyes, “Really? Like, no offense, but even if you remember that much-”

“‘And thus the native hue of resolution is sicklied o'er with the pale cast of thought, and enterprises of great pith and moment with this regard their currents turn awry and lose the name of action.’” Steve winks with the Harrington Charm, smile and all. 

Eddie stares at him for so long that Steve feels his heart racing for a different reason. And then, Eddie turns around and muffles a loud scream into his free hand. When the man turns back to face him, he’s sporting the widest smile Steve has never seen.

“You knew the whole thing!?” Eddie’s eyes sparkle with utter adoration.

“Yep.” Steve pops the ‘p’, grinning like a little shit.

“But why did you forget that line?”

“Let’s just say,” Steve squeezes Eddie’s hand, intertwining their fingers together, “I got distracted by the pangs of love.”

Eddie bites on his lower lip as he swoons his body over so they are pressing against each other. With half-lidded eyes, Eddie whispers, “You know that part is Hamlet referring to missing his dead dad, right?”

Of course Steve couldn’t help but kiss him.

#and now for something silly #as if i don’t always write something silly for steddie #klaus writes #steddie #stranger things

[arthur-r]

does anybody know some good attributes about myself that colleges would like that are true and real. it’s for telling my teacher so he can best do a letter of recommendation but i don’t know what to do because i’m not a great student and also don’t want to brag

#my instinct is always to say i’m good with seven year olds but that’s irrelevant in this context #and other than that idk. i have written down that i’m passionate for my interests and do a lot of independent research #but that’s a fancy way of saying i’m autistic and overly invested in my special interests shdhddf #so um. are there any attributes that aren’t just autism and caring for a child half the time #nobody has to come up with anything i know it’s weird and difficult i just want to send an email by tomorrow #saying it’s due november 1st and attaching my resume (1 year of pizza experience and a summer of babysitting. not that impressive) #(*paid babysitting. like i said before i do a lot of compulsory parenting. but not really the same) #and then i have to say what things i want him to highlight about me and i don’t know what to say for that at all #i cant pretend to be attentive i slept in his class. i cant pretend to be motivated i didn’t even turn in my final #and i’m struggling to find things that are good enough about myself to use them in such an important context #like. there needs to be something about me that colleges will care about!!!! that’s terrifying!!!! #and it’s university of wisconsin-madison and i’m so scared. i only get one chance to do it right #and i’m so scared cause my irl friends are applying there and they’re so much more likely to get in than i am #and i don’t even know if i want to be at the same college as any of them but i don’t want to be the only one without a choice #and i’m scared. this is steadily turning into a vent post instead of an advice post i am so sorry #but um. any attribute words that are like. good?? tried the general characteristics section of roget’s and got distracted #it’s not my fault that the thesaurus is so cool. but yeah that’s when i took attentive off the list shdhdf #idk. i like to read and i like to learn and that’s the best things i can think of about me in this context. but that’s not a lot to go on #so help is appreciated. but also not required. thanks in advance #thanks so much sorry for being difficult lately. ok have to put my sister to bed i’ll be back in a bit #me. my post. mine. #delete later

[notafunkiller]

wait for hours

Summary: Bucky and you have a small fight about making him attend a business dinner on your one-year anniversary.

Pairing: CEO!Bucky Barnes x secretary!reader

Warnings: 18+, oral (f receiving), org@sm denial/edging, teasing, pet names, no mention of y/n

Word Count: 1.9K

Bucky Barnes masterlist

A/N: I wrote this blurb based on @marvelouslizzie’s prompt: “You want me to put it in you, don't you?”

Please, do not repost or translate without my permission!

You know he is mad. You could sense it right away at work and also in the car. But you don’t regret it, it had to be done.

“Why did you even bring me here if you aren’t gonna talk, James?”

Your head is spinning only from the way he’s pacing around.

He puffs. “You wanna talk now?”

“You are such a kid,” you say, sighing.

“I am the kid?”

You’re surprised by how high his tone is.

“Why are you so bothered? I did what I needed to help you.”

“I don’t care! You knew tonight is off limits. It was supposed to be about us!”

You take a deep breath, trying to calm down a little. You don’t want to fight. You never do when you disagree, and this is silly.

“We can do it another time. We both know how important this is, so why are you so mad?”

“Because this is our one-year anniversary and we always…”

You sigh, standing up. “He wouldn’t have waited, and I don’t care if you think: then his loss. This is your company! You need this investment.”

“You made this decision for me!”

“Good,” you snap. “Someone had to, I wasn’t going to let you waste a great opportunity just cause you are not in the mood for another business dinner.”

He steps toward you so fast you don’t even realize for a second. “Yeah, sorry I am not in the mood for a business dinner when I could be buried inside my girlfriend in our private jet as we fly to Europe.”

“Who said I wanted to go in the first place?” You look him in the eye, challenging him to answer you. You’re not gonna let him intimidate you. Not that he wanted that.

“Then I could have made you come on my tongue after dinner right here.”

You roll your eyes. “All you can think about is sex.”

“All I can think about is you, but you decided to-”

“To do the right thing.” You interrupt him immediately. He’s so stubborn sometimes!

Bucky sighs, bringing his hands to your cheeks. “Are you bored with me?”

What. The. Fuck.

“Are you drunk?” You ask despite knowing it’d be impossible. But how can he ask that?

“Are you bored of me, honey? Is this why you keep me a secret?”

“Bucky!”

“I wanted to make it official like what? A thousand times?”

You sigh, bringing your hands on top of his before leaving a kiss on one of his palms.

“I am not bored of you, Jamie. But work is work. He knows-”

“I want everyone to know!”

You understand, but at the same time there are more consequences to consider before making the decision to get public. “Know what? That you’re fucking me?”

Now this is a thing you regret saying. The expression he has on his face breaks your heart.

“That’s all you think this is?”

Oh, you fucked up! This is not what it is, and you know it. You both had been trying to fight it off, to ignore the tension for over a year. Until you just couldn’t anymore and gave in.

It was clearly more than sex from the start. He didn’t even try to seduce you, and you were only going out on dates for weeks. And if he wanted sex, why he’d make such an effort when you’re sure he can get a girlfriend or a one-night stand or even escort services. He didn’t try to buy you. But would the office understand?

“No, James.” You kiss his other palm, trying to show him how you actually feel. “But I don’t think it’s a good idea.”

“When would it be, then? Or would it ever be a good idea?”

He’s more than upset now, his chin is trembling and the way he keeps staring at you makes you want to cry.

Such a horrible situation…

“When I’ll change my job,” you murmur, stroking his cheeks. “This way, they wouldn’t call either of us names and your reputation would-”

“I don’t care about it, okay? About what they’d say about me, and I certainly wouldn’t let them talk shit about you. What you did for the company is amazing.”

You let out a humorless laugh. “I am your secretary, Bucky. My job is to please you and do the best to assure the company’s success.”

“Fucking bullshit!”

“Hey, it’s true. You know very well how people would talk about both of us, and rumors would spread, and sure, men would pat you on the back at first, but some might hate the scandal. And I would be treated like a...” You don’t want to finish your sentence; well aware he knows what you mean. “You cannot protect me from this no matter what you do. And you cannot ruin your company! Do you want to do this just for public claim?”

“I want to hold your hand so badly everywhere...” He sighs, moving his hands from your face to his own hair, pulling it a bit too harshly. “I want to be able to leave with you home and not make Sam wait for you on the parallel street.”

You know and you feel the same way. Sometimes you find yourself imagining how things would be if you gave in and just not care about it, but there’s about so much more than you. You know how important his partnerships are, how hard he actually worked. He might not be a billionaire, but he is very rich and affords many things. He pays everyone well, including you, as wrong as it might sound.

“I’m gonna think about it, okay? I love you so much!” You take a step closer, getting on your tiptoes so you can kiss him a little. “I am sorry for making you feel like this, you’re not my dirty secret. But I don’t regret saying yes to this meeting. You weren’t going to agree, and we both know this is really important. We can celebrate later or tomorrow night. We can go anywhere you want. Just know I love you.”

Bucky says nothing for a while, his face emotionless as he thinks about what you said.

“I love you, too. Now I want you to get your clothes off and get on the bed.”

You raise your eyebrows at the change in his attitude. What the fuck!

“What?”

“Don’t act as if you don’t want it. You were teasing me all morning. And during the breaks!”

You cannot even deny it because it’s true. Yesterday you were both too tired to even eat when you got home, let alone have sex, and you woke up really horny.

“Don’t you need to get ready?”

He smirks in that way that you hate so much, and you sigh.

“You got one minute, baby.”

You quickly take off your shirt and pants before unclasping the bra and placing it on the nearest bedside table. You let on your panties, eager to see him tear them off as you sit on the edge of the bed.

But he, surprisingly, doesn’t do that after he drops on his knees in front of you and spreading your legs.

You get on your elbows just to watch him. He smiles cheekily, happy with the extra attention you give him, as he hooks his finger around your underwear and moves it to the side, holding it there as he starts to lick your slit.

“Yesss!” You throw your head back, knowing how much you’re going to enjoy this.

He’s a little too slow compared to the usual, but it still feels good, especially when he brings his tongue to your entrance.

You manage to hold back for a while, not letting your hips move until you realize he doesn’t intend to change the pace. With your fingers through his hair and another hand grabbing the sheets, you try to get his tongue inside you faster. But he doesn’t want that either, so you pull his hair a bit harder out of frustration.

“If you want it slow, at least use that tongue on my clit.”

He snorts, amused and does what you told him without protesting. But instead of feeling better because he’s licking your clit, it’s even worse.

You both know that you hate when he’s doing it slowly, so that’s annoying you even more. It’s like he’s doing it on purpose.

You try to tilt your hips more, showing him he needs to hurry up, but he places his right hand on your tummy and pushes your back to the bed again.

“Come on, Bucky! What is this?”

He smiles against your clit and suddenly starts to lick faster. And faster. And faster.

“Yess, yess.”

You pictured him like this before you got together. You imagined countless of scenarios with him eating you out on his desk or on the couch in his office, in the car or in the meeting room. You did that so often it became a habit, but you didn’t expect it to be that good. And he’s somehow getting better every time. Even when he’s torturing you.

When he starts sucking on your clit, though? You feel on fire. You let out the loudest moan before grabbing his hair.

“Yes, sooo c-close. Gimmie a finger, Jamie.” His eyes are on you as you speak. “Please!”

He stops sucking just to breathe on your clit, making you shiver. “Now why would I do that?”

You open your eyes confused.

Does he mean he wants to fuck you?

You’d love that, truth be told, so you push him away a little and get on your ass on the bed. You immediately move your hands down, trying to find his bulge over his pants.

Yeah, you totally missed that.

“I guess foreplay is done. You can fuck me now.”

Bucky laughs. He laughs! Then he brings his hand to cover yours and helps you get a better feel of his cock. Fuck, he’s so hard!

“You want me to put it in you, don’t you?”

“I’m still close.” You whine, surprised by your own body reaction. “Just get inside me, okay?”

“Why would I do that, honey?”

You give him the most confused look ever. “W-what?”

“You’re not gonna come tonight. Or well, until I get back from my meeting. Not on my fingers, not on my mouth, and definitely not on my cock. “

The world is spinning around you. He’s not serious is he.

“Aww, what’s wrong? Who’s the one thinking only about sex now?”

“You’re joking, right?”

He cannot do this. He can’t...

“I should get ready for the meeting.” He tries to get up, but you grab his hand.

“Are you punishing me for doing the right thing for the company?”

He senses you are close to tears so he leans in to kiss your forehead. “No, baby, why would I punish you for that?”

“I don’t know...”

“Maybe this is for thinking our anniversary is not important for me” He cups your face. “But I promise tonight will be great.”

You can’t even say anything, squeezing your legs together, still turned on.

“No touching either. You don’t get to come until I come back, okay?”

You sigh, pouting. “I’ll try, daddy.”

Bucky bites his lip before he kisses you properly. “You won’t try, you will do it for daddy, okay?”

You nod, staring at his chest. “Can I help you clean?”

“As much as I’d love that, if we go in the shower together, I don’t think I’ll leave.”

Damn it... now you have to wait for hours.

#bucky barnes #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes fanfiction #ceo!bucky barnes #ceo!bucky #rich!bucky barnes #rich!bucky #millionaire!bucky barnes #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes x reader #my stories #my fanfics #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x reader smut #bucky barnes x you #sebastian stan #bucky barnes x female reader #bucky barnes x y/n

[fictionadventurer]

Hobbies need to be accessible. I believe that it’s becoming more and more important for people to have physical hobbies that create real things and develop real skills--giving people a sense of accomplishment and overcoming feelings of helplessness. But so often, it seems like even beginner-level instruction is aimed at making the entry barrier as high as possible.

I was reading this book where this guy argues that people should develop areas of “micromastery” when getting into a hobby. Find one small, achievable, but still impressive task to master, so you have a cool skill to show off (and the sense of accomplishment) without having to master an entire huge area of knowledge. Instead of learning to cook, learn to create a really good omelet. Instead of learning an entire new language, learn to count to ten. And then you have a knowledge base to help you if you want to explore further. Seems very common sense. Very accessible. Learning is for everyone, not just people who want to devote tons of time to a new hobby. But even that guy, in his instructions, keeps telling people to buy the most expensive equipment to have the best possible results. There’s even a point where he says “the more expensive, the better”!

That infuriates me. I am enraged. The guy who’s trying to make learning accessible to the masses is now saying this is the realm only of the rich! It’s telling people to buy into the marketing ploy that more expensive is automatically better! It’s absurd. It’s insane. There probably is equipment that improves the outcome of the final product, but it’s not necessarily the most expensive stuff, and you certainly don’t need the expensive stuff when you’re just starting out!

Yet, tutorials and craft books keep pushing this message. If you want to start drawing, you need an expensive sketch book and seven different pencils and different weights of pen, and the right eraser. If you want to bake, you have to have the best flours and the appropriate sourdough technique. If you want to knit, you better have the expensive yarn. That’s garbage, and it makes things more difficult than they need to be.

When you’re just starting out, you’re learning if you even like the activity. Do I like spending time drawing? Do I even like the process of knitting or woodworking or building model airplanes? It’s pointless to spend tons of money on good yarn only to find that you hate the process of knitting. Pointless to get the good pencils when the process of drawing makes you want to crawl out of your skin.

If you want to try something, just try it! As simply and cheaply as possible. Want to draw? Get a free pencil and a bit of notebook paper. Want to knit? Get a pair of knitting needles from the thrift store and some dollar store yarn. As you get deeper into the hobby, you’ll probably want to upgrade your supplies--but now that you know more about the process, you know what problems can be solved by better supplies.

I was always intimidated by bookbinding--the tutorials always talked about having the right glue and the right book press--until a guy in the comments said, “I use Elmer’s Glue and my laptop.” I could manage that! That was accessible! I got some glue and some big textbooks and made a book! Not perfect, but it wouldn’t have been perfect even if I had the fancy supplies--I was just starting out! And then I figured out that a paper cutter and some kind of tool to smooth the endpapers would be useful. So I got that--as cheaply as possible. I have made books and I have enjoyed it without a huge investment in time and money. And more tutorials need to take that approach. I refuse to believe that we have to give tons of money to the crafting industry. I refuse to believe that we have to be consumers in order to become creators.

#random thought of the day #crafting

[pinksugardollz]

Self Care Guide For Bad Mental Health Days

⋆ ˚｡⋆୨♡୧⋆ ˚｡⋆

♡ let yourself cry! feeling sad when you have bpd can feel like the world is ending, but it isn’t. feeling sad is normal, and it’s completely okay. don’t demonise your emotions. let it out

♡ cuddle with your pets! cats are absolutely amazing for this, dogs too. lil furry babies make me so happy and cheer me up so much when im feeling low

♡ take as many naps as you need without guilt. rest rest rest, even on your good days! stop overworking yourself

♡ shower, you don’t have to do your full routine, just make sure you wash yourself then apply your favourite lotion and sweet scented perfume

♡ cosy up and watch something that makes you happy. nostalgic tv shows are great, on my bad days i really love watching spongebob bratz or strawberry shortcake

♡ invest in a 2L water bottle and keep it by your bed for those low motivation days

♡ light your favourite bakery scented candle, sweet scents always uplift my mood

♡ do not isolate yourself, try to keep in contact with friends or family

♡ eat some chocolate or chips, whatever your favourite comfort food is. your happiness is more important than your diet

♡ if you’re struggling to get out of bed, try keeping everything you need on your bedside table so you can still do your skincare routines and take your daily vitamins from your bed

♡ run a nice relaxing bubble bath!!!

♡ put on some cosy pjs & grab a pink fluffy blanket and snuggle on the sofa instead of staying in bed all day

♡ set rules for yourself, write some things you that want to achieve in a day. such as keeping your skin moisturised, shower twice a day, drink enough water, getting out of bed. anything that applies to you. self care can become confusing and daunting, so write everything down to remind yourself to look after and cherish yourself

♡ make sure you’re eating enough. even if you’re not feeling hungry, if you don’t have the energy to cook, order takeout! it’s ok to eat takeout sometimes, just not all of the time as junk food can be highly addictive, and obviously isn’t very good for you

♡ try writing down your thoughts and feelings. i love journaling and covering the pages with pink stickers and making it look all pretty, it’s so therapeutic

♡ reach out to a mental health professional if things get too bad. this may feel hard, but if you need help desperately pls get it

♡ acknowledge that what you’re feeling is just temporary, whatever you’re feeling won’t last forever

♡ make sure you’re getting enough sleep. whenever i didn’t get enough sleep in the past, i would sometimes start seeing and hearing things, and would become very paranoid and disassociated, which is obviously not what anyone wants. so pls pls pls make sure you’re prioritising your sleep

♡ treat yourself, buy something pink and pretty just because you can

♡ take a day or 2 off work (if allowed)

tiny disclaimer: these tips may seem obvious to those of you without serious mental health problems, and they may be things you do everyday but when someone with mental health problems is in a really bad place, they can sometimes forget how to look after themselves properly, or in my case a few years ago i would just stop caring about myself. i love all of my pretty sugar dollies so much, look after yourselves and i really hope some of these tips help you 🎀🦢

#bpd recovery #cptsd recovery #my diary 🦢

[gyupinkys]

SAY SORRY

YUNHO X READER ft mingi and wooyoung

WC : 2.1K

WARNINGS: unprotected sex, impact play, degradation, voyeurism, exhibitionism, choking, breath play, fingering, creampie, lots of dirty talks, oral (m receiving), daddy kink, begging, basically Wooyoung and Mingi watching Yunho fuck you.

“It's my turn” you whine, pushing Yunho’s hand away from his mouse as a new round begins. He sighs, letting you slide into his lap and place his headphones on your ears. Yunho would never tell you this but you’re kind of shit at valorant. Yes, he is radiant, but you’ve been silver for almost six months now and at some point you have to stop blaming the game for making you die every round. Don’t get him wrong, he loves playing with you, but this is his derank game and the team really can’t afford a loss. He can already imagine Mingi and Wooyoung yelling at him for letting you play. Despite his irritation it is just a game so he lets you play, seeing you happy is more important. The round starts and you surprisingly hold your own, killing one person and injuring the other before you die.

“That’s my girl,” he whispers into your neck, making you squirm. You’re trying to ignore the feeling of his dick situated perfectly between your thighs, but you’re truly just a slut at heart. As you spectate the rest of the team his hands start rubbing your stomach, grabbing and groping the soft skin making you take a deep breath.You try to tell yourself he’s mindlessly doing it, but as his fingers graze your shorts you can guess where this is going.

“Dude, let me focus.”

“My bad, baby.” 

The next round starts and you feel his hands move lower, sliding straight into your sleep shorts. 

“Yunho! Do you want to lose?”

“I’m gonna win tonight regardless, right?”

“Fuck off”

He slides his ring and middle finger through your folds, feeling the wetness you’ve been ignoring all day. His fingers situate on your clit, applying pressure but not moving until the round starts. You’re too invested in the game to notice the pattern his fingers are following as he inches towards your clit. You move the mouse up, his fingers move up. You move left, he rubs to the left. You start to writhe, unable to sit still.

“Baby, focus.”

“I’m fucking trying.”

“Language.”

“Whatever ”

That earns you a harsh slap to your clit, making you miss your shot and die.

“Yunhoooo” you whine.

“You should remember your place, baby.”

“I’m sorry.” you groan when he takes his hand out of your shorts entirely. 

“Are you?”

“Yes.”

“Focus on the game, baby.” he says and slides his hand back in. 

It would be a lot easier to focus if he’d not stop. Every time you move your mouse your focus on the game decreases. How are you supposed to focus when your hot ass boyfriend is toying with you? You begin to grind into his hand, trying to regain some semblance of control. 

“Stop moving”

“You’re really making this hard for me.”

You press v to give a call out but as soon as you start speaking he slides a finger in, making you choke on your words. Your face heats in embarrassment as Mingi asks you to repeat yourself. Of course Yunho takes this as his cue to slide another finger in making you give up altogether. You breathe out a heavy sigh, trying to calm your breathing. He begins thrusting his fingers in and out of you, making sure to angle into your g-spot every time you get a kill or assist. As the rounds carry on he picks up his speed and becomes rougher, wrapping his free hand around your waist to stop the squirming. 

 “Take it baby.” he groans when the squelching coming from your cunt becomes audible. “Take what I give you and be grateful,ok?” 

“Yes, daddy.” you moan out, throwing your head back on his shoulder. 

Your moans are becoming louder and more prominent. You manage to get another kill and he starts kissing down your neck. He sucks and nips at your skin making you groan in frustration. 

“My good girl.” he whispers into your ear after pushing one side of the headphones off your ear.

With only one round left you give up on the game entirely, pressing your hands on the keyboard in an attempt to ground yourself.

“Fuck, Daddy please let me cum.” you groan, feeling your orgasm creeping up.

“Y/N?”

Your eyes fly open when Mingi speaks. You look at the screen and see you’ve been accidentally using voice chat the whole time. 

“Answer him, baby.” Yunho chuckles, unplugging the headphones.

“Yes, Mingi?”

“Is he making you feel good?”

“Really good.” you reply breathlessly, dying from embarrassment

.

“Tell me what he’s doing to you.”

You groan. This is so fucking embarrassing, how are you supposed to face him, let alone everyone on the call after this?

You whimper out a no which Yunho doesn’t take lightly. “Tell him.”

“No.”

“Love, do you want to cum or not?”

He got you there.

“He’s fingering me.”

“Yea? With how many fingers?”

“Two.”

“I think you could take more than that, sweet girl.”

“She definitely can.” Yunho smirks, adding another. The stretch feels incredible and you relax into his body, letting him have his way with you. 

“Oh my god.”

“Feels that good?” Yunho laughs as you get wetter. The guys can certainly hear you over the mic.

“What do you want me to do to you, baby?”

“Whatever you want.” you reply breathlessly, closing your eyes. 

“Whatever he wants? I’m kinda jealous.” Wooyoung says, speaking for the first time.

“What's your favorite thing to do to her?” Mingi asks.

“Hmm.” Yunho ponders. “You should see how she gets when she chokes on my cock. Acts like a bitch in heat, isn’t that right, baby?”

You mumble out an incoherent answer, trying to control the intensity of your moans now that Yunho turned the mic on permanently. 

“You’re being so rude, Y/N. Why don’t you want to answer me?” he growls, wrapping his hand around your neck.

“God, I wish I could see this.” Mingi groans. 

“I can make that happen.” Yunho laughs. “Y/N, Turn on the camera.”

Your eyes widen. Is he serious? When you hesitate, making him tighten his grip.

“Why are you behaving so badly today? Are you trying to embarrass me?”

“No, I’m sorry.”

“You’re not fucking sorry stop lying.”

“I’m not lying, Daddy. I’m sorry.” you moan out, opening discord and turning the webcam on, hiding your face into his neck.

“Look at them.”

“I can’t”

He slaps you across the face making you gasp out a moan. 

“If you disrespect me again, I’ll just let them have their way with you. I’m sure it’ll be even harder to face them after that.”

You clench around his stagnant fingers making him chuckle.

“Oh, You like that? You want me to have to watch them fuck my girl? Watch them stretch you out? Choke on their cocks? Is that what you want?”

“Yes” you moan out, no longer ashamed.

“Tell them what you want them to do to you.” he says, beginning to slowly thrust his fingers again.

You groan, contemplating. “I want them at the same time. I want them to stretch me out, make me feel them everywhere. I want you to watch, but not be able to touch me.”

Yunho groans at the thought. “I thought my dick was the best on earth.” he says  sarcastically with a raised eyebrow.

“It is.” 

“Clearly not.” he says, pulling his fingers out of you and pushing you off him. 

You grip the desk so you don’t fall, looking to see Yunho walk to sit on the bed behind you. You’re beyond confused. 

“What?” he asks, looking at you. “ You clearly don’t want my cock, so let them take care of you.” 

He can’t be serious. 

“Yunho, please. I want you.”

He shrugs, pulling out his phone. 

“Y/N? Why don’t you apologize to him? No man wants to hear their girlfriends a fucking whore.” Mingi says. 

“I’m not a whore.” you whine out.

“You’re not? Didn’t you just say how you wanted your boyfriends best friends to fuck you? Stretch you out?”

You groan, feeling like there's no winning. “Yunhoooo” you whine out crawling next to him on the bed. 

“Yes?”

“Baby, please.”

“What do you want me to do?”

“I don’t know” you whine again, feeling overwhelmed. 

“I think you know the best way to apologize.” Wooyoung says.

You don’t have to be told twice, pulling down Yunho’s sweat and spitting directly on his tip, making his breath catch. 

“Fuck” he whispers.

You lick a line from base to tip, moaning at the salty taste. Ok, maybe you are a whore. You get to work, taking down as much as you can in one go, making him choke. 

“Jesus christ.” he moans, grabbing your hair.

He guides your head up and down his length, pushing you deeper and deeper until your nose brushes his pelvis. You swallow around him, feeling him twitch. 

“Fuck, baby. Maybe you really are sorry.” he moans. 

You ignore him, trying to get him to shoot his load down your throat. He pulls you off his length with a deep groan and pushes you onto the bed. 

“Face down ass up.”

You jump up, arching deep into the bed. You’ll take whatever you can, all you want is to cum.

He smacks your ass harshly, rubbing his tip through your folds. 

“Smile for the camera, baby.” he says, slowly sliding in completely. 

He doesn't give you time to adjust, immediately pounding into you. You lose your balance, falling into the bed. He wraps his hand around your waist, holding you up. The sound of skin slapping fills up the room, your moans bordering screams. You can feel him in your guts, his tip hitting your cervix with every stroke. 

“You think Mingi can fuck you this good?” he huffs. “You think his dick would be all up in those guts? You think Woo would have you dripping like this? Creaming on him?” 

You can’t even catch your breath, let alone answer. He grabs your throat, pulling you up to his chest. 

“Tell them, baby. Tell them that no one will ever fuck you as good as me. Tell them you’ll never cum as hard for anyone. Tell them you’re my pretty little slut.”

“Fuck this” Mingi says leaving the call. 

You ignore him. “I’m your pretty little slut” you groan, throwing your head onto his neck. 

Yunho slides his hands to your clit, slapping it. 

“Say you're sorry and I’ll let you cum.”

“I’m sorry, I-I’m sorry, daddy. Please, I’m so s-sorry no one could fuck me as good as you. I need you so bad Yunho, please.” You lose track of what you’re saying, desperate to cum.

“You really are a fucking whore.” wooyoung says breathlessly. 

You ignore him, still babbling apologies to Yunho. “Always going dumb on this cock, Baby. This is how I like you, not a thought in that pretty little head.” 

You clench harder around him. “Daddy, can I cum” you groan. 

“Cum for me.”

You let go, his thrust never faltering. You feel wetness drip down your legs and the squelching gets louder. Yunho lets out a feral groan, choking all the breath out of your lungs as he cums deep inside you. It's so much you can feel it leak out of you, despite the vice-like grip your cunt has on him.  He releases your neck, allowing you to catch your breath. 

“Fuck, Baby. You squirted all over me.” he says breathlessly with a laugh. 

“It felt so good.” you say sheepishly, your body sinking into the mattress. 

“Woo, can you end the call?” Yunho says, trying to catch his breath. “Woo?” he asks again when there was no response.  

A loud series of knocks come from your front door, followed by Wooyoung basically screaming 

“Let me in! Don’t cum without me!”

“Dude it’s 1in the morning you can’t be screaming.” Mingi grumbles out in response. 

You look at Yunho with wide eyes. 

“I should’ve seen this coming.” he says, getting up to let them in. 

You should've seen this coming too.    

#ateez smut #ateez fanfic #yunho x reader #yunho smut #mingi x reader #mingi smut #wooyoung x reader #wooyoung smut

[saturnville]

do you want to, l. hamilton

pairing: he (lewis hamilton) x black best friend oc (anvika dawson) content: in which two friends cross a line people have been waiting for them to cross...and it works out. warning: 18+ content, angst, fluff, heavy dialogue song: do you want to by xscape an: part one here. part two here. their story is complete. thank you for reading <3 tags: @boujiestpoet @mauvecherie-writes @saintslewis @greedyjudge2 @vile-harlot @emjayewrites @ggaslyp1 @neeville

They hadn’t spoken in over a month. A bridge seemed to find its way between them. Not finding their way back to one another was unlike them. Most disagreements lasted at most three days. But, for there to have been 30 days of silence had her questioning if they’d come back from what they went through. 

But, after a much-needed therapy session, a cry session with Onyx, and deep reflection, Anvika realized that space was the best thing she could give him. She was challenged to put herself in his shoes and that changed her perspective entirely. 

“I want you to think from his perspective, Anvika,” her therapist began. She was an older Black woman with rich skin and silver hair. Her eyes were like honey and her voice was warm like the hug of an old church mother. “If you had feelings for him, right, whether you admitted them or not, and there came a time where the dam that contained all the feelings, emotions, thoughts, what have you, had broken and he was willing to drown in it all, just to turn around and downplay what occurred not even 12 hours later, how would you feel?” 

Ouch. Having it repeated to her without bias struck her uncomfortably. Anvika twisted her lips as she pondered long and hard. How would she feel? Rejected? Embarrassed? Used? Maybe all of the above. 

“What are you thinking about?” her therapist, Traci, asked. “And it doesn’t have to come out perfect or sound. Say how you feel.” 

Suddenly, her chest heaved as her breaths grew deeper. Her tongue circled her teeth and her eyes welled with tears. “I love him. I always have, in one way or another. But, I cherish what we’ve got and I just don’t—“ she sighed deeply. “I’m afraid for it to be ruined and I lose another man that I love.” 

Traci hummed. “So, you love him. Always have, you’ve built a good friendship with him, which could be a solid foundation for a potential romantic relationship, which he seemingly wants, but you’re afraid that it would go wrong and you’d lose him. What else are you afraid of?” 

“Just…that I won’t be more than a body to keep his bed warm. That’s why my ex and I split. Sure, we were together, but he was more invested in sex than he was in cultivating and strengthening our relationship. Intimacy is important, but only being desired for your body does something to a girl. I don’t want that…and so I’m afraid of being nothing more than a warm body. And now I’m upset because I teetered on my boundaries which were no sex with anyone that wasn’t my significant other. I don’t have a significant other, Traci. I have a best friend…or had.” 

Anvika’s voice shook as she spoke. She fiddled with the necklaces stacked around her neck. 3 gold necklaces—Queen Nefertiti, a heart, and the number 44. Traci’s eyes followed her hands. “What’s 44 stand for?” 

Anvika’s hands stalled. Her voice was quiet: “It’s his racing number. He races today.”

“You wear it often?” 

Anvika nodded. 

“Why?” Traci pressed, pushing her glasses above her head. 

“It helps me feel close to him when he’s away. He’s always away.” 

Another hum came from Traci. “Does he wear anything that represents you?” 

It was small. A simple word on his neck was often hidden by his braided hair. Completion. The definition of her name. He’d gotten it a year prior and never told her until she was helping him take his braids down and noticed the fresh ink there. Her heart grew three sizes that day. 

Anvika swallowed thickly. “My name means strong and complete. He has completion tattooed on his neck.”

Traci chuckled in amusement. Breakthrough was happening. 

“Sounds to me that the relationship the two of you have goes deeper than you’d like to admit. You shouldn’t beat yourself over the night you shared with him. We all have moments where we teeter-totter. And even though you didn’t want to, you did. But not only did you do it, you did it with a man who cherishes you, who honors you, who respects you. He is still your closest friend, but who is to say that your lover shouldn’t first be your friend? The choice is yours and I will walk with you through whatever decision you make. Just take the time to think about it, Anvika.” 

She’d thought about it every day since. 

+

Misery wasn’t a state he found himself in often, let alone one that he allowed himself to bask in. He was a firm believer in not allowing his circumstances to permanently alter his mood; his actions proved that he wasn’t the believer he thought he was. 

His smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. His words were more limited than usual. His animations were not quite animated. He was going through the motions day by day, a boring routine that grew exhausting. He was better than this and he knew it. But, his usual methods of taking a run, spending time with loved ones, and giving in to his sweet tooth didn’t help. If anything, they made him feel worse. All because they were activities they did together. It seemed as though his entire life was attached to her and it drove him mad. 

He didn’t think there’d be a day where his mood would be affected by his disconnect from her. And it manifested physically. Lewis was tired often, which was a symptom of the fast-paced lifestyle, but for it to show in his eyes and the slowness of his movements was a clear indication that he was not okay. 

Lewis sighed into his pillow as his phone dinged once again. If he could throw it away, he would. His eyes glanced at the screen. Ani. The fourth message he’d received from her and the fourth time he wouldn’t reply. Not because he didn’t want to, but because he didn’t have much to say.

You raced well, it read. I hope you’re doing well…I hope we cross paths again when you’re ready. 

He grappled with responding. His heart yearned to speak with her but his mind overpowered his ability to pick up the phone. What would he respond with? Thanks, not ready to see you because you hurt my heart and made me feel rejected. Talk soon. He’d be damned. 

He did a double-take after a moment. You raced well. She watched? His heart twisted. She attended every race she could, amid screaming fans jumping for joy. He could still hear her strained voice chanting his name when he walked on the track. 

“Lewis!” 

His conversation with the gentleman ahead of him was stopped. The racer apologized graciously and turned to see Anvika at the top of the bleachers waving excitedly. It was her first international race and she was over the moon to be there. He chuckled and beckoned her down. 

She shuffled through the bleachers and was soon guided by a security guard to where he stood. She smiled widely. “So, how do you feel?” Her hands grabbed his own and squeezed. She was about to burst. 

“I feel good,” he said with a smile. “How do you feel?” 

“I’m so excited! I hardly ever leave the country unless it’s for business, so to be here and supporting you--so exciting!” The small bounce she did had the jewelry around her neck bobbing. His eyes dropped to her exposed collarbone--Nefertiti, a gold heart, and the number 44. Bright and shiny like it was brand new. His eyebrow raised. “That new?” His finger curled around the chain, tugging softly. The action had her stumbling toward him. 

“Oh, this?” she quipped. “Yeah. I’m not too much of a jersey girl but I couldn’t come without repping you at all. My hat’s up there with Onyx.” She pointed to the bleachers. She hoped it didn’t get swiped--she made him sign it. 

The smile on his face matched hers. For them to have been friends, she cared for him in ways that would have people assuming otherwise. Wearing someone’s name or number around your neck, closest to your heart, spoke volumes. And she’d chosen to do it for him. The honor he felt was immense. Lewis wrapped an arm around her shoulders and pressed his lips against her forehead. “You, my love, are a gem.” 

“Jeez,” he huffed as he buried his head further into the pillow. Soon, his pillow was wet with tears. He hated to admit how much he missed her. How much he craved hearing her laugh, seeing her smile, or feeling the weight of her when she’d fall asleep on his shoulder. He missed her. 

+

They crossed paths the following Monday after the Met Gala. Lewis was waiting in a lobby for his car to arrive when he heard her call his name in hopes he’d respond. It was an awkward reunion. Neither party knew what to say or what to do. Anvika was surprised he’d spoken to her and Lewis was gobsmacked at her beauty. 

“You look beautiful,” he said after some time.

She always claimed red wasn’t her color, but she proved herself wrong and proved himself right. Her dress was much different than what she normally went for and it only emphasized the impact she made once she hit the carpet. The scarlet red complimented the richness of her complexion beautifully and the rose-like details were stunning. And her heels were like liquid gold on her feet. She’d done her hair differently as well. Her dark brown hair was pressed and in an intricate updo that showcased her ethereal features from her dark eyebrows to her round lips. Anvika Dawson was a gem. 

Anvika smiled small, feeling flustered under his intense gaze. Her hands smoothed the material of her dress. “Thank you. You do, too.” And she meant it. He was an ethereal being. She often wondered if he was real. Her fingers clawed at her dress as she fought the urge to run her fingers cross his shoulder. 

He was dressed to the nines and in her opinion, had been the best dressed gentleman there. She always adored him in black. It made him look powerful and like the king of the room. And his skin, rich and golden, glowed beneath the ambient lights. 

Silence covered the two of them like a thin blanket--uncomfortable. Lewis couldn’t remember a time when he was uncomfortable in her presence…until now. Moments later, his security detail let him know the car was present. He prepared to bid his farewells but was stopped by Anvika’s hand on his arm. 

“Wait…are you staying at the hotel with the…” In a nervous ramble, she went on and on describing the luxurious building she was put in on behalf of her agency. It was 22 stories tall with the most beautiful lights surrounding the entryway, a maroon carpet leading into the foyer, and a surplus of botanical plants that made her feel as though she was walking through a palace. Lewis, amused by her nervous tangent, nodded.

Anvika’s eyes lit up with hope. “Will you…if you’re up to it…will you stop by, please? I-I’m on the 14th floor, room 44. Will you please just,” she sighed deeply and tore her eyes from his just momentarily, “I miss you, Lewis. And…”

And there it was. He stammered slightly and suddenly felt small under her hopeful gaze. He missed her too. He nodded once more. Anvika released the breath she had no clue she held and assured him she’d be there whenever he decided to come, just to let her know. Before he was whisked away by security, he heard her voice in his ears once again, “Thank you.”

+

Anvika’s feet nearly burned holes in the floor as she paced around her suite. Her thumb was in her mouth, a chewtoy for her nerves. Her eyes cut toward the small wall clock near the bathroom. He said he’d arrive within an hour. Two minutes late. Would he show up? Her heart was a snare drum in her chest as she contemplated her emotions. 

“Calm down,” she ordered herself, though it came out muffled as her teeth drug down the side of her thumb, pulling a tag of sensitive skin with it. She winced when she tugged too hard. “Dammit.” 

Then, there was a soft knock. Her head shot up and a gasp came from her. He came. Anvika frantically patted her hair, hoping that her bun didn’t look awful, and sped over to the suite door. She took a deep breath before pulling it open. She smiled small, “Hi.” She moved out of the way to welcome his presence. 

Falling into natural order, Lewis made his way toward the couch in the living area of the suite. He sat off to the side, nearest the right arm of the couch with his hands in his lap. She sat at the opposite end with her knees toward inward, brushing against his gently. His eyes were glued to the floor. The tenseness made her uneasy. 

She cleared her throat awkwardly and played with the loose strings at the cuff of her (his) oversized sweatshirt. “I had a therapy session not too long after everything happened,” she began. Her admission made him look at her. His eyes, once so full of life and love, were just as dull as the walls surrounding them. “We had what they call a breakthrough. You know, finally getting to the root cause of why we think, act, and speak the way we do. And it was humbling, to say the least…to realize that I hurt you in a way I never thought I was capable of.” 

She chuckled breathlessly but nothing was funny. Her tongue circled her teeth, a nervous habit, as she fought to keep the tears at bay. Lewis’ eyes, prickling slowly, stayed on her. 

“You left. And that hurt me. But you left because I hurt you. That hurt even more. And I am so sorry. You’ve been nothing but good to me and I let my own fears and insecurities cloud my judgment. I was so focused on not screwing up our friendship that I managed to do it anyway because I was neglecting how you’d feel, too.” 

He listened intently. So, she continued, “You asked what I was scared of. I never gave you a clear answer, not because I didn’t know, but because I didn’t want to be honest with you. And simply put, the idea of not only loving another man but losing another man that I love scares me. You already know I was in that messed up situation where I was nothing more than a trophy and a warm body. I didn’t want to be that for any man again. I swore I would never be that for any man again.”

Lewis’ eyes softened and for the first time since they sat down, he spoke, “You know you’re much more than that.” His hand then found its way to her thigh, caressing it softly. 

Anvika gave a closed-lipped smile. “And, um…I was upset because I had these strict boundaries, you know, no significant other means no type of intimate activity, right? I crossed that line with you and I beat myself up over it. In my head, I totally rejected this order I placed on myself and just felt internally guilty because at the time, I thought that was the beginning of experiencing heartache again. That manifested into a fear of ruining our friendship because we’d never crossed a line like that before. We went from friends to lovers in the span of 12 hours, and Lewis, that was a crazy shift.

“You always hear stories about people trying the relationship thing with their friends and they end up never speaking again. You mean too much to me for us to never speak again, so when I say I was miserable, that’s what I mean, especially because I put us in this position. None of this excuses what I did, but it was time to finally be honest. I’m sorry.” 

Silence. She hated silence. Especially when it was uncomfortable. He still hadn’t said anything but she saw the wheels turning in his head. She watched as his eyes darted from left to right, a sign that he was running through a series of logical thoughts--a million a minute. She waited patiently for his response. 

“I felt rejected,” he said softly. “Like I was good for that moment where you let loose but then after that…” 

Anvika sighed heavily. The  conversation was going deeper than she anticipated. 

Lewis dropped his hand from her thigh and brought it to his face, rubbing softly. “When you care for someone all you want to do is be there for them. To be someone that gives them the love, honor, and respect they deserve. I’ve seen how these situations have broken you down and ruined your self-esteem and trust in men, and yet, deep down even while simply being a friend, all I wanted to do was love you and show you differently. So when that happened…what I thought was placed in my grasp was taken just as quickly as it was given. And I would think, is the thought of being with me that bad? That does something to a person, Ani.” 

There was a strain in voice as he asked her what he’d been thinking for weeks. Her confessions gave more insight on why she acted the way she did, but just as she said, it didn’t change the fact that he was hurting. But, to lay his heart on the table the way he wanted with her awaiting ears was relieving. Maybe they would get somewhere.

“I know, darling, and I am sorry,” she said quickly between his words, but quickly retreated so he could continue. “Keep going…” 

“I can’t make you love me the way I love you, I can’t make you mean it in the way that I do, and I can’t make you want something more with me,” he said truthfully though the thought pained him. “So if friends is what keeps you in my life then--”

“I want to try,” Anvika cut him off. His eyes cut to her. His heart began to pound in his chest. “I was told that your lover should be your friend. I’ve experienced you as my friend for six years and I’m starting to understand that it’s okay for those lines to blur, but I only want that with you. If you’ll still have me.” Though her words ceased, her eyes, filled with tears, pleaded with him. Lewis exhaled.

You, my love, are a gem.

+

At that moment, Anvika understood why people made love often. She wasn’t a very sexual person, opting for other forms of intimacy to deepen her relationship with her partner. But when it came to Lewis, she knew he would have her addicted and yearning for more. 

He was so attentive to the needs of her body and gentle in executing them. He was patient, knowing he was the first man she’d been with in four years and that alone made her desire for him grow greater. 

Each graze of his lips against her jaw, sensual caress of her chest, and deep thrust had her singing his name. It was the sweetest song he’d heard. 

Lewis made love to her slowly, just as she requested. 

“Can you go slow, please?” Her voice was hardly above a whisper. 

“Whatever you want, baby.”

He was used to things moving fast, but he was willing to slow down as much as necessary. Plus, it gave him the opportunity to take in every face she made as he dug deep into her. 

Anvika was pressed against him, her legs trembling around his waist as he guided her movements. Her head was thrown back as she succumbed to the pleasure she’d been without for so long. Her jaw hung as a string of profanities fell. Lewis couldn’t help but chuckle. “Feel good, baby?” 

Anvika let out a breathy whine as her body grew warmer and warmer. The whine turned into a sharp gasp when Lewis’ tattooed hand slithered around her neck and squeezed. “Lewis.” His action made her jerk against him. 

“I asked you a question, beloved,” he whispered against her jaw, peppering kisses along her damp skin. 

Anvika nodded, “Yes! So good.” Lewis turned her head and brought his mouth to hers—a heated exchange of moans and passion transferred from one to another. “I love you.” The words fell from her lips as she reached her peak.

To be loved. Against her skin, he whispered back, “I love you.”

+

The water felt amazing against her skin as she stood beneath the rainfall-like water head. It soaked her once pressed hair, causing it to shrink and revert to its natural state. When Anvika wiped the water from her race, she saw Lewis staring at her, eyes full of love with hints of lust.

“What?” she asked innocently, welcoming the forthcoming feeling of his hands at her hips. 

“You’re pretty,” he said simply. He swirled a strand of her hair around his finger and watched as it recoiled. Her big eyes followed his movement. “Very pretty.”

Anvika smiled like a school-girl who found out her crush liked her back. “You are, too.” She pecked his lips and prepared to turn toward the water again but was halted by Lewis pressing her against the wall, hiking her leg up, and capturing her lips in a soul-snatching kiss. 

She whimpered and tossed her arms around his shoulders. His hand slid between them, his fingers dancing along her most sensitive place, working her up. “Can I?” His arousal nudged her thigh, desperate to get a release in her warmth. 

“Yes…”

+

They ordered takeout and ate comfortably on her bed whilst Sex in the City played on the television in the background. They were bare as the day they were born, but it didn’t spark the same excitement as it did just hours before. It felt natural and domestic. 

Anvika sat on his lap, eyes fixed on the television screen as he fed her their shared vegan pasta. The sounds of her heavy chewing made him laugh. “Is it good?” She hummed.

“You’re the only person that could convince me to eat vegan food.”

Lewis shrugged with a lazy smile, claiming for himself what she did not take off the fork. “Because I’m magical.” 

Anvika giggled and nodded, pressing her lips against his. “You are, darling, and I love you because of it.” 

Lewis wouldn’t get used to hearing that. What scared her before came so naturally in the moment and he was so thankful that it did. He finally got what he wanted and he’d never let her go. 

He smiled and it finally reached his eyes, “I love you more.”

And it was so.

#saturnville #black!reader #black reader #original writing #lewis hamilton #lewis hamilton fanfic #lewis hamilton fanfiction #lewis hamilton x black reader #lewis hamilton x black!reader #lewis hamilton x reader #f1 x black!reader #f1 x reader #f1 fanfic #sir lewis hamilton #sir lewis hamilton x black!reader

[anachronistic-falsehood]

i. don’t really know what to think about the whole forever situation. because i have seen people say “he’s addressed this a long time ago so why are we bringing it up” but i haven’t seen WHERE he’s addressed it in the past. nary a tweet or clip of anywhere he may have talked about it, but i would love to see an older clip of him talking about this if possible

I’ve seen people say “his tweets and messages were translated in bad faith to give english speakers a bad perception” which. ok yeah understandable but if that’s the case i still don’t know what exactly the situation is or how serious it is

“she was 13” “she was 15” OK WHICH IS IT!!! both are bad but one is still significantly grosser than the other and i don’t know which is true!! or are there multiple girls!!! i don’t know!!!

“he met a fan for flirtatious/sexual reasons” “he met a fan for normal content creator reasons” WHICH IS IT!!!! I DON’T KNOW!!! i guess only he and the fan would know what the intent was when they met, and even then i don’t know if they met alone or if it was a normal ass fan meetup with multiple other people there

“it’s been 7-8 years, he’s changed” ok. now we are making some sense. he has not exhibited this kind of behaviour in years it seems and he appears to be the kind of person who would not say or do these things now. no one is irredeemable and no one is beyond change. still, it is important for some people to know. many fans would rather know this and make the educated choice on whether to support him or not than continue to support him in blind blissful ignorance. even though it’s stressing me out and i’m still clueless about a lot of it, i’m glad i know anyway.

“what about the past transphobia and the ableism and the and the and the-” That Is Not Relevant To This Conversation. this is a different situation. he has apologized for his past opinions and everyone has had ample time to come to terms with them and make peace with supporting him despite his past beliefs.

“he’s deleting past tweets” i mean if someone was digging around my account for things i’ve said that i no longer stand by, i would delete shit too. sure as hell doesn’t make him look innocent but i would do the same. i HAVE done the same, albeit for much more minor and trivial reasons for posts i made when i was like 15, but still

“he apologized and said he’s getting a lawyer!! no guilty person would do that!!” your content creator is not an angel. guilty people take their accusers to court all the time and get away with it. also, it is up to everyone individually to decide whether to believe him or not. you cannot push others to believe your side but you can give context to some things

there’s nuance to this like there is with everything, and people are jumping to conclusions saying either “he’s an innocent little lamb how dare you!” or “he should be deplatformed and we should never speak of him again!” i will never fault anyone for supporting the alleged victim. if your decision is to stop watching him immediately or even stop supporting the qsmp itself, no one should ever fault you for that. it is ultimately up to you to make that decision. the situation is not clear enough for me to make a decision, so i will withhold judgement for now. i will not doompost about it, and i will not call out people for defending or dropping him.

but for the love of god, just. everybody keep your cool. especially english speakers, we may not have full proper translations for the messages and tweets. take a deep breath. if you want to find more info to form an opinion now and spread information that people don’t already have, go ahead. if you want to step back and not think about it for now, go ahead. there is no shame in taking a step back and thinking about other things. you are not morally obligated to be invested in this situation. you are not morally obligated to drop him immediately and you are also not morally obligated to keep supporting him just because he’s friends with your favs. stick to your gut and do what you feel is right. you will be okay. this is not the end of the world.

#qsmp #forever situation

[yourpsicodelicbitch]

Sun houses and fathers 🌞

Yoshitomi Nara

✨first post of 2024✨

take what resonates, leave what don’t 🎀 you don’t have to necessarily identify with it.

*I use whole sign system -house system- for more certainty

9H: you’re learning constantly from your dad. he teaches you what he’ve learned through his life. he’s teaching you about his mindset, the origin of his beliefs, why he stands for them. he could be someone very religious or faithful, and through that faith he could have teach you things he know now. also, he could be really philosophical and probably has a fixation with politics, investing. he could seem very patient or is constantly worried trying to understand how he can help you.

10H: your dad could be someone really hardworking, who you could have seen work really hard through all this years, making sure you’re satisfied in the economic and study aspect. he could have not been present too much when you were growing up and when he showed up he was too strict, he probably wasn’t conscious or didn’t know how to approach you -could be bc they thought him to bottle up his emotions-. you could end up studying/working on the same career/field your dad’s in.

11H: your dad it’s okay with who you are, or what side you show to them🧐. you’re their fav or they left you. you could feel like the only child/you are. he could seem too disperse, take it how you want to. idk why but mostly of dads of sun 11H are younger than what’s expected. he’s permissive. you were a spoiled kid, that has to do with your dad. “dreams” that word is important, he had a lot of influence and power over yours, he could have destroyed them or making sure you have all the resources -depending on the aspects-.

12H: your dad won’t judge your decisions or you. he’ll be a support. he could have difficulties to put limits in a father-son relationship, you could have felt stressed when you’re seeing how your dad is being bullied by your siblings bc of that attitude. you could have being the one who is protecting them or you’re the more serious/introverted one in the dynamic. or the total opposite: he’s too strict and you had to be careful on how to act. there’s something that happened there… you two could share something obvious, an interest, physical appearance, an adjective, etc. something everyone can point out. also, you could feel a strong or subconscious connection with your dad’s sight of the family.

5H: idk why I have the feeling you didn’t saw your dad for a long time and then you saw him, I’m trying to express that your relationship with him it’s not constant. he could be explosive or impulsive. he could contradict himself so much. he could have had you without planning it/unexpected -you were a surprise for him 🤩-. could be that your parents were young when they had you and etc. that’s why you’re like an experiment 😭 your dad doesn’t know how to approach you and he has a temperament. emotions here are fiery, when each other express their emotions they don’t take a seat and have a chat with a cup of tea, they’ll say how they feel crying and screaming.

6H: your dad could have OCD, no, I’m lying, but he could be really fucked up about order. “thinks have to be like this, why you didn’t let me this at this time?” Or the total opposite, not in the middle. he could get sticker in his routine and if things are not how he planned he get stressed. a perfectionist. he could be strict or conservative. he’s sarcastic, that’s why you could be sarcastic too. he’s hardworking and also could help on campaigns and etc. at some point you could have helped him on working on his health. and you could be the one who end up taking care of him/being the sibling who spends more time with him.

♡ Based on personal experience and what I’ve analyzed in my surroundings.

♡ English is not my first language.

♡ I’m not a profesional astrologer.

Thank youu. baibaiii🫣🫶🏼💋

Do not copy. Please give me credits.

#astrology #astro observations #pinterest #astro posts #astro placements #astro notes #sun #whole sign system #12h sun #6h sun #birth chart