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larkingame · 1 month

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hello all! been a moment since we last discussed some things, so I'm coming online to discuss the progress of Larkin's development and make a few announcements :)

over the last ten months, larkin has gone through a lot of changes, some of which I've documented here--but most of it I've kept pretty private. I realized that over the few short years I've been developing the game, I sort of grew an unhealthy dependence on my presence within the 'interactive fiction' community that I really, really needed to take a step back from and break, all in order to ensure that I could enjoy working on what originally started out as a passion project for me.

since july of last year, I've completely reshaped and rewritten how larkin exists as a project, shifted it's genre and started collaborating with a few others to ensure it can be of the highest quality it can possibly be. uptop, i'd like to mention @tapeworrmart who's taken on the immense task of putting together most of the game art for me, @khiita and @ann1a-1 who have both taken on the roles of my editors (and also sounding boards for when I am being absolutely insane) and my production manager phillip, who without his assistance, larkin would barely exist. with that, let's do a progress report. the intended demo of larkin, or what i've taken to calling 'episode one' (yes, i said, 'episode,' more on that in a minute) has stretched to just over 200k words worth of content. it stretches all the way from the earliest versions of larkin's original prologue, to the end of the original chapter two. so far, we've completed 3 out of the intended 20 character portraits, as well as some more art that's slowly been in development.

now, on to the announcements. probably the biggest, and the one I am most ashamed of is--due to the fact that I've been slammed with graduate school work and some other external factors, Larkin as it currently exists is not the best that I think it can be. I'm deeply sorry for this, but I want to ensure that you all are getting the highest quality game you could get from me--and right now, I know it's just not that. Which is why I am unfortunately, pushing the release of the demo back until Friday, June 14th, 2024. Patrons will be granted access to the most recent edit of the demo two weeks earlier on Friday, May 31st 2024. In the meantime, I will be working day and night (quite literally) to get what I'm dropping on you up to par and something that I'm happy with.

To make up for this disappointment, I'm planning on repopulating the blog with a lot of content over the coming months, rewriting new versions of old asks, posting art and short stories.

Next on the agenda and also an equally important announcement. I'm changing the rating of Larkin to Mature or 18+ As I've been writing these past few months, working through a lot of themes and figuring out the story I want to tell, I've found that I think the change in rating is entirely necessary. While I don't think I've ever had that big of a minor fanbase--I think that this is just what I am most comfortable doing. There has consistently grown a little bit more of gore, and trauma exploration, which is the main reason for this change in rating, but, this does allow for the inclusion of something that I've been toying with since the intial release of the game. There is going to be explicit sex scenes in this new version of Larkin--all of which, you the player are able to opt out of, or completely avoid if that's something you want--but I just thought a little announcement would be warranted. This does not mean however, I am comfortable with answering thoroughly explicit asks or getting unsolicited sexual messages. The goal is to keep this game blog mainly tame.

Please respect this boundary of mine.

Third thing to be announced. I've also changed the format in which Larkin will be released. Rather than around the twenty-five chapters in one of a series of 'Books'/'Games', Larkin will be released episodically over four 'seasons' with eight-ten episodes of around 200k-250k words each (though, this is just an early estimate--they could grow longer, as I'm basing this purely off the demo/Episode One)

Finally and a little bit of a fun note: there are now twelve romance options throughout larkin, five male, three female, one non-binary and three gender-selectable. With those upcoming asks, you'll hear more about each in the coming days :)

With all that being said, I wanted to lastly thank all of you for supporting me over the years and putting faith and your interest in this project. truly, the support of all of you means the world to me and I can't wait to share more of larkin with you all.

thank you 💖

#larkin game #larkin if #larkin #announcement #game announcement #blog update #interactive fiction #if #cyoa #cyoa game #twine interactive fiction #twine #twine game #sugarcube twine

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qqueenofhades · 3 years

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Hi. I’m curious. What did you mean by “women who read fiction might get Bad Ideas!!!” has just reached its latest and stupidest form via tumblr purity culture.? I haven’t seen any of this but I’m new to tumblr.

Oh man. You really want to get me into trouble on, like, my first day back, don’t you?

Pretty much all of this has been explained elsewhere by people much smarter than me, so this isn’t necessarily going to say anything new, but I’ll do my best to synthesize and summarize it. As ever, it comes with the caveat that it is my personal interpretation, and is not intended as the be-all, end-all. You’ll definitely run across it if you spend any time on Tumblr (or social media in general, including Twitter, and any other fandom-related spaces). This will get long.

In short: in the nineteenth century, when Gothic/romantic literature became popular and women were increasingly able to read these kinds of novels for fun, there was an attendant moral panic over whether they, with their weak female brains, would be able to distinguish fiction from reality, and that they might start making immoral or inappropriate choices in their real life as a result. Obviously, there was a huge sexist and misogynistic component to this, and it would be nice to write it off entirely as just hysterical Victorian pearl-clutching, but that feeds into the “lol people in the past were all much stupider than we are today” kind of historical fallacy that I often and vigorously shut down. (Honestly, I’m not sure how anyone can ever write the “omg medieval people believed such weird things about medicine!” nonsense again after what we’ve gone through with COVID, but that is a whole other rant.) The thinking ran that women shouldn’t read novels for fear of corrupting their impressionable brains, or if they had to read novels at all, they should only be the Right Ones: i.e., those that came with a side of heavy-handed and explicit moralizing so that they wouldn’t be tempted to transgress. Of course, books trying to hammer their readers over the head with their Moral Point aren’t often much fun to read, and that’s not the point of fiction anyway. Or at least, it shouldn’t be.

Fast-forward to today, and the entire generation of young, otherwise well-meaning people who have come to believe that being a moral person involves only consuming the “right” kind of fictional content, and being outrageously mean to strangers on the internet who do not agree with that choice. There are a lot of factors contributing to this. First, the advent of social media and being subject to the judgment of people across the world at all times has made it imperative that you demonstrate the “right” opinions to fit in with your peer-group, and on fandom websites, that often falls into a twisted, hyper-critical, so-called “progressivism” that diligently knows all the social justice buzzwords, but has trouble applying them in nuance, context, and complicated real life. To some extent, this obviously is not a bad thing. People need to be critical of the media they engage with, to know what narratives the creator(s) are promoting, the tropes they are using, the conclusions that they are supporting, and to be able to recognize and push back against genuinely harmful content when it is produced – and this distinction is critical – by professional mainstream creators. Amateur, individual fan content is another kettle of fish. There is a difference between critiquing a professional creator (though social media has also made it incredibly easy to atrociously abuse them) and attacking your fellow fan and peer, who is on the exact same footing as you as a consumer of that content.

Obviously, again, this doesn’t mean that you can’t call out people who are engaging in actually toxic or abusive behavior, fans or otherwise. But certain segments of Tumblr culture have drained both those words (along with “gaslighting”) of almost all critical meaning, until they’re applied indiscriminately to “any fictional content that I don’t like, don’t agree with, or which doesn’t seem to model healthy behavior in real life” and “anyone who likes or engages with this content.” Somewhere along the line, a reactionary mindset has been formed in which the only fictional narratives or relationships are those which would be “acceptable” in real life, to which I say…. what? If I only wanted real life, I would watch the news and only read non-fiction. Once again, the underlying fear, even if it’s framed in different terms, is that the people (often women) enjoying this content can’t be trusted to tell the difference between fiction and reality, and if they like “problematic” fictional content, they will proceed to seek it out in their real life and personal relationships. And this is just… not true.

As I said above, critical media studies and thoughtful consumption of entertainment are both great things! There have been some great metas written on, say, the Marvel Cinematic Universe and how it is increasingly relying on villains who have outwardly admirable motives (see: the Flag Smashers in The Falcon and the Winter Soldier) who are then stigmatized by their anti-social, violent behavior and attacks on innocent people, which is bad even as the heroes also rely on violence to achieve their ends. This is a clever way to acknowledge social anxieties – to say that people who identify with the Flag Smashers are right, to an extent, but then the instant they cross the line into violence, they’re upsetting the status quo and need to be put down by the heroes. I watched TFATWS and obviously enjoyed it. I have gone on a Marvel re-watching binge recently as well. I like the MCU! I like the characters and the madcap sci-fi adventures! But I can also recognize it as a flawed piece of media that I don’t have to accept whole-cloth, and to be able to criticize some of the ancillary messages that come with it. It doesn’t have to be black and white.

When it comes to shipping, moreover, the toxic culture of “my ship is better than your ship because it’s Better in Real Life” ™ is both well-known and in my opinion, exhausting and pointless. As also noted, the whole point of fiction is that it allows us to create and experience realities that we don’t always want in real life. I certainly enjoy plenty of things in fiction that I would definitely not want in reality: apocalyptic space operas, violent adventures, and yes, garbage men. A large number of my ships over the years have been labeled “unhealthy” for one reason or another, presumably because they don’t adhere to the stereotype of the coffee-shop AU where there’s no tension and nobody ever makes mistakes or is allowed to have serious flaws. And I’m not even bagging on coffee-shop AUs! Some people want to remove characters from a violent situation and give them that fluff and release from the nonstop trauma that TV writers merrily inflict on them without ever thinking about the consequences. Fanfiction often focuses on the psychology and healing of characters who have been through too much, and since that’s something we can all relate to right now, it’s a very powerful exercise. As a transformative and interpretive tool, fanfic is pretty awesome.

The problem, again, comes when people think that fic/fandom can only be used in this way, and that going the other direction, and exploring darker or complicated or messy dynamics and relationships, is morally bad. As has been said before: shipping is not activism. You don’t get brownie points for only having “healthy” ships (and just my personal opinion as a queer person, these often tend to be heterosexual white ships engaging in notably heteronormative behavior) and only supporting behavior in fiction that you think is acceptable in real life. As we’ve said, there is a systematic problem in identifying what that is. Ironically, for people worried about Women Getting Ideas by confusing fiction and reality, they’re doing the same thing, and treating fiction like reality. Fiction is fiction. Nobody actually dies. Nobody actually gets hurt. These people are not real. We need to normalize the idea of characters as figments of a creator’s imagination, not actual people with their own agency. They exist as they are written, and by the choice of people whose motives can be scrutinized and questioned, but they themselves are not real. Nor do characters reflect the author’s personal views. Period.

This feeds into the fact that the internet, and fandom culture, is not intended as a “safe space” in the sense that no questionable or triggering content can ever be posted. Archive of Our Own, with its reams of scrupulous tagging and requests for you to explicitly click and confirm that you are of age to see M or E-rated content, is a constant target of the purity cultists for hosting fictional material that they see as “immoral.” But it repeatedly, unmistakably, directly asks you for your consent to see this material, and if you then act unfairly victimized, well… that’s on you. You agreed to look at this, and there are very few cases where you didn’t know what it entailed. Fandom involves adults creating contents for adults, and while teenagers and younger people can and do participate, they need to understand this fact, rather than expecting everything to be a PG Disney movie.

When I do write my “dark” ships with garbage men, moreover, they always involve a lot of the man being an idiot, being bluntly called out for an idiot, and learning healthier patterns of behavior, which is one of the fundamental patterns of romance novels. But they also involve an element of the woman realizing that societal standards are, in fact, bullshit, and she can go feral every so often, as a treat. But even if I wrote them another way, that would still be okay! There are plenty of ships and dynamics that I don’t care for and don’t express in my fic and fandom writing, but that doesn’t mean I seek out the people who do like them and reprimand them for it. I know plenty of people who use fiction, including dark fiction, in a cathartic way to process real-life trauma, and that’s exactly the role – one of them, at least – that fiction needs to be able to fulfill. It would be terribly boring and limited if we were only ever allowed to write about Real Life and nothing else. It needs to be complicated, dark, escapist, unreal, twisted, and whatever else. This means absolutely zilch about what the consumers of this fiction believe, act, or do in their real lives.

Once more, I do note the misogyny underlying this. Nobody, after all, seems to care what kind of books or fictional narratives men read, and there’s no reflection on whether this is teaching them unhealthy patterns of behavior, or whether it predicts how they’ll act in real life. (There was some of that with the “do video games cause mass shootings?”, but it was a straw man to distract from the actual issues of toxic masculinity and gun culture.) Certain kinds of fiction, especially historical fiction, romance novels, and fanfic, are intensely gendered and viewed as being “women’s fiction” and therefore hyper-criticized, while nobody’s asking if all the macho-man potboiler military-intrigue tough-guy stereotypical “men’s fiction” is teaching them bad things. So the panic about whether your average woman on the internet is reading dark fanfic with an Unhealthy Ship (zomgz) is, in my opinion, misguided at best, and actively destructive at worst.

#long post #anonymous #ask

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traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors · 2 years

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I guess seeking advice? Tw for csa and sex

I'm a csa survivor and have a very weird relationship with sex for obvious reasons. I love my boyfriend, we do have sex as we're consenting adults but my thing is I just let him do whatever he wants because I think what I want doesn't matter, not that he's ever made me feel that way but it can be hard for me to enjoy sex and sometimes I do but not for very long and often dissociate a lot and just wait for him to finish and for it to be over. I understand that this is like unhealthy, very unhealthy considering I have DID and my other alters have been switching out during intimate moments and just start freaking out, of course he stops when he realizes what just happened but idrk how to talk to him about it. I dont really remember the csa part of my trauma history, so when he asks me what is triggering during sex idk what to say. I feel embarrassed and ashamed, and those of us who hold that trauma, feel that trauma is a very private personal thing and they don't want to share even their triggers which they don't have to. I guess not really sure what to do. Lately he's been asking me to explore things that I might like but I can't because I won't like it if it involves sex and of course it would because well you know. Sorry if this is tmi or anything, I know he's dissatisfied with our sex life and I feel like its my fault I try to even push past my limits to make him feel good but that's not working clearly. Sorry again.

Hi there,

You are definitely not alone in your feelings and experiences. Many sexual trauma survivors push their own boundaries and try to fit into society's expectations, even when it is harmful to them.

Consent is more than saying, "yes." It is about making an educated, informed decision before sexual activity occurs. Please don't blame yourself for this, as you're aware that your issues with boundaries and trauma are related. You're doing the best you can. One exercise is to write out what consent means to you. Another is to make a list of sexual boundaries. What do you want from sex? What do you find consistently triggers you?

What you want matters. Your safety, comfort, health, and boundaries matter. Even if you never wanted to have sex in any way again, you're allowed to have an uphold these boundaries. You can have a full, happy life without sex, and you are allowed to take a break from sex for as long as you need.

If you are dissociating and waiting for him to just finish, it is important that you stop doing this. Dissociation often occurs when we're extremely stressed out and triggered. If you're becoming triggered every time, or almost every time you have sex, it is harming you.

Even if you don't know exactly which parts of sex are triggering to you, you're allowed to have boundaries around it. It could be sexual activity in general, or a certain act, or just the manner in which sexual activity starts. It doesn't sound like you have much control over this part of your life, but that can change. Dissociation complicates things, but it is possible to have a healthy relationship to sex. This can mean that, in the future, you enjoy sex and feel that you engage in healthy sexual activity, but it can also mean that you decide not to have sex, or only have sex in certain ways. No matter what, your boundaries are valid. It's okay to have strong boundaries.

Don't judge your thoughts and feelings. A lot of survivors feel embarrassed and ashamed, but you have not done anything to deserve those feelings. There is nothing you could have done to justify the abuse you endured. It's totally valid that some of you don't want to share your trauma and triggers with others. It can be a terrifying thing to share such a personal thing about yourself. That can present complications, though, when you want people to understand you and not trigger you when they can help it.

It can be really hard when part of you wants to have sex, but other parts aren't able to handle it. I think that since sex is triggering for you, you should not explore new things at this time. You know yourself better than I do, but I don't think it would be helpful for you to continue to be triggered by someone you want a relationship with.

Not all people are compatible with each other in every way. We all have to make concessions in relationships, but these concessions should never be harming us to the point that we have to dissociate to cope. If your boyfriend is not willing or able to respect your boundaries, regardless of what they are or how uncommon they are, this relationship may not work. You deserve a partner who respects your boundaries and strives to understand you and what you need. I can't express how helpful and life-changing it is to have a partner who actively learns about trauma and seeks out information that can help them understand you better. If your boyfriend wants a different sex life than you're able to engage in, it is okay if you two have to part. You would survive this and get through it. I don't know if it will come to that, but if it does, please know that you are able to find love elsewhere, you are going to be happy again, and you are going to find what you need.

When you push your own boundaries to satisfy someone else, it can create resentment, either resenting him, or yourself for violating your own boundaries. It's not healthy to force yourself to have sex with someone. And you're right, it may not be working anyways, so why keep hurting yourself? It is absolutely valid to say, "no" when you do not want to have sex. You have immense, inherent worth that has nothing to do with what you can provide others.

I highly suggest talking to your boyfriend. It may take a few talks, but it's incredibly important to tell him what's going on, as it's affecting you greatly. Sharing articles, so you don't have to do as much talking, and communicating what you're willing to talk about can really help.

Be kind to yourself. Remember that none of this is simple or easy. You can do it, though. You are incredibly strong, capable, and worthy.

Here is a link written by a fellow mod about creating and enforcing boundaries. Here is a link on creating healthy boundaries. Here and here are posts about overcoming the shame when we set boundaries.

Wishing you well.

- Misa

#trauma talks #mod misa #tw csa #tw sex #consent #boundaries

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mbti-notes · 3 years

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Hello! INFJ here. I notice that "enjoy more intellectually stimulating solitary pursuits" is listed under Level 6 ego development for ESFJ. However, why is that not mentioned for INFJ in relation to Ti development? Is love of intellectually stimulating solitary pursuits already covered in dominant Ni? As an INFJ, I personally find intellectual exploration at a conceptual level to be almost effortless - asking conceptual questions, getting a "big picture" view of a field, developing my long term

[con’t: vision, viewing a problem from multiple perspectives, creating a high level outline of a paper I'm reading, etc. But getting into details on my own can be quite difficult - I often lose my focus and my mind wanders. I can do it more easily in 1:1 technical conversations though (where I need to hold up my end of the conversation), or if I set some social deadline, e.g. signing up to give a talk. Is it tertiary Ti development that will solve this, or is this an Fe issue? I recently realized just a couple days ago that I was repressing shame about some emotional trauma in my adolescence, which prevented me from seeing myself as a good person, and it feels like my Fe has massively increased in the last couple days alone. I've been releasing the repressed emotions via many hours of crying. I also had a rapid series of insights into a few people I really care about (issues that they're dealing with and how to help), and feel like I finally understand why there are so many songs about love. I finally decided to actively pursue someone who I think will be my life partner - I think immature Ti was holding me back somehow (wanting to be independent). But I'm not sure if further Fe development will solve this issue of difficulty with detail oriented work or if it's a Ti or Se thing. Or maybe I just need to consciously apply Ni more, e.g. always reminding myself of why I'm delving into details, and making sure to have a conceptual scaffold first before any details work?]

You’re mixing several different issues into one long message, which makes it difficult to respond. Please make your messages focused, as per the blog guidelines. What is considered “intellectually stimulating” to ESFJs is very different from INFJs, not to mention different from person to person within a type, so why are you using ESFJ development as comparison? What purpose does this serve? Every type has their own set of issues to address.

Trouble with details comes from having a low S function, which is to say that it is a common problem for Ns in general. Each N type has a different path to learning how to handle details better, depending on which exact function pair they’re dealing with and positioning in the stack. The ability to handle details for INFJs involves Ti and Se, both lower functions that are difficult and tiring to use for long periods of time. It’s far easier to develop the tertiary than the inferior function, therefore, Ti is going to be the heavy lifter.

Ti development encourages one to be more careful, specifically, systematic, in one’s thought process. INFJs often draw irrelevant or illogical connections between ideas and then cannot separate out ideas from each other to focus on addressing each one properly -> very messy thought process (which is already apparent in your message). Immature INFJs like to indulge the fun of drawing Ni connections (often as a means to boost the ego), but they can’t/don’t want to do the very hard Ti work of slowly sorting through information systematically to arrive at precise and accurate judgments. Being a lower function, INFJs often misuse Ti to rationalize their beliefs, as opposed to dispel falsehoods. Lack of Ti development means having no reliable method for dissecting problems and no skills for resolving them. In essence, it amounts to poor critical thinking ability, unable to parse and evaluate information systematically. If you need to improve your critical thinking skills, I have already provided book recommendations on the resources list.

Se development encourages one to be more observant of objective facts and details, specifically, to ensure that one’s beliefs about the world are grounded in the reality of the world. Being Ni dominant, INFJs usually “trust their gut”, which is another way of saying that they have a tendency to believe without factual verification. While your gut may be reliable in pointing you, very generally, in the right direction, it is not foolproof, nor is it able to explain the details of how or why. This means that relying on your gut too much can get you into trouble when your beliefs drift into fantasy and you don’t even realize it. Immature INFJs cannot tell the difference between speculation and fact. When an idea pops into their mind, they run with it. And when they run with it long enough, they believe in it, as they misuse Se to selectively gather “facts” to support the belief. Misusing Ti AND Se basically gives free rein to Ni delusion.

Mentally manipulating ideas in the manner that you describe involves using Ni and Ti closely together, which always runs the risk of descending into some kind of bias or self-deception, especially when Se is ignored in the process. You need extraverted functions to ensure that this doesn’t happen. Using Fe to access multiple perspectives and opinions is the right way to expand your perspective. However, Ni gathering even more data through Fe sources isn’t going to do you much good, in fact, it may only end up overwhelming or confusing you, if you have no way to systematize and evaluate that data. That is why developing Ti is eventually necessary for refining your ideas and correcting false beliefs.

It’s not a shame to need outside vetting for your ideas. Humans are communicative and collaborative creatures. Two heads are better than one. But it is a shame if you are extremely dependent on outside vetting because you are resistant to or afraid of developing your independent thinking capabilities. Why would someone be unconsciously resistant to or afraid of developing their independent thinking capabilities? Because they don’t want to take full responsibility when confronting the consequences of their beliefs. To put another way, if you mostly get your ideas and opinions from other sources, you can always blame the “bad source” for being wrong and plead innocence. Whereas, if your ideas come only from you and you get called out for being wrong, then you have no choice but to deal with the shame of being “stupid” - an insecurity that Fs often grapple with.

If you are developing Ti properly, over time, you will need a less and less intensive outside vetting process, because you become more capable of doing it for yourself. However, Ti is a lower function, so you are never going to be able to use it like a dominant function. Trying to develop a tertiary function is necessary only to a certain extent, to the extent that you’re able to use it for helping the higher functions work optimally. You shouldn’t fall into the trap of feeling bad when you hit a wall in its development. You shouldn’t start trying to copy Ti doms and using their type’s standards to make inappropriate evaluations of yourself - this is a great way to fall into shame and unhealthy perfectionism. You’re not Ti dom, never will be one, never should be one. You are always going to benefit more by sharing and exchanging ideas with people. You have to accept the reality of what you are and work with it, rather than lose yourself in chasing unrealistic ideals.

Remember that positive growth cannot come from negative self-loathing. Without self-love and self-acceptance, self-improvement easily morphs into self-harm. Every function in your stack has its proper role to play, so respect the parameters of those roles and development should go more smoothly.

#infj #auxiliary fe #tertiary ti #ti loop #inferior se #details #detail anxiety #attention to detail #development #shame #study #ask

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thisgirlhastales · 5 years

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“Wayward Son” — Is There Peace When You Are Done?

What we have here is an essay of sorts: a loosely organized mishmash of thoughts and opinions. Disclaimer that this is highly subjective, as it is based on my own experiences and expectations going into this novel :)

And, naturally, many Wayward Son spoilers below the cut! If you haven’t read it yet and are planning to do so, please do not proceed further. If you’ve already read it or don’t care about spoilers, c’mon in! Ain’t nobody here but me!

First Thing: I thought the plot was cool — I loved seeing the characters again, loved seeing the different magical culture within the United States as compared to the UK; all the geographical variety and how that impacted magical abilities and politics, the creatures and the nature of magic as it applied to people who aren’t mages, the syntax, and Shepard. All of that was fascinating. It felt organic and real, even though our main dude, Shepard, did drop a few exposition bombs. I loved it all.

The magical creatures touch on something that I think all the main characters learn and re-learn (and may be symbolic of their issues as a whole): there is no one way to do or be magic. The word magician can apply to any creature who is or practices magic. The UK’s mages have an expansive but selective history. They do not acknowledge people like Lamb (see Nicodemus), even though they are technically part of their world. I wonder if the UK vampires have something like what the Las Vegas vampires do — i.e. ways to feed without killing, ways of living without standing out so much, a hierarchal structure, their own historical narrative, etc.

Agatha coming into her own was fabulous, driving the plot with the vampires on her end; she wasn’t a character I enjoyed in the last book too much (I thought she was very real, even practical, she just didn’t appeal to me as a person), but in this? Loved her. And she figured out her own way to be, though there’s still a ways to go for her, I think …

There is no one way to be anything, and that’s a lesson everyone in this book needs to learn (and talk about with each other, please, please, please).

Second Thing: Dealing with Trauma — I do think this was what resonated most with me, as someone who likes it when things are not perfectly hunky-dory after severely traumatic events.

Simon is Not Dealing. He stopped going to his psychologist. He thinks about the Mage, but doesn’t fully process the impact of having killed him. He’s in mourning over his magic and the Mage and all of it, but he’s choosing to not digest it fully — every time he was happy on this road trip, I, like Baz, was thrilled, but I also knew that it was fleeting because he hadn’t really dealt with anything. The underlying cause of his depression and listlessness wasn’t being addressed. His bursts of anger, his heartbreak, his inability to let go of the wings … He goes back and forth a lot, as well, tormenting himself.

Baz is Not Dealing. Baz was suicidal in Carry On. Baz barely knows anything about vampires. He lives in fear of being a monster, and of being executed as one regardless of his actions. As much as I detest Lamb, he had knowledge: How to feed without killing your prey. How to live amongst people and blend in better. He looked physically healthier. Baz’s grey complexion is actually a sign that he is starving more often than not. Remember how powerful he is now, and imagine how powerful he could be if he took better care of himself. And how much more comfortable in his own skin he’d be, which would help with so many of his bitter self-recriminations.

Penny is Not Dealing. Wow, that break-up with Micah was rough. She has a few more moments of self-realization than Simon and Baz do, but she’s also completely caught up in her own magical world, culture, and plans for the future; she has trouble reconciling what Shepard tells her, and is still processing (accepting? Healing?) from not only that breakup, but everything else that has ever happened to her and Simon. Penny copes better, but still not necessarily well. Her can-do, will-do attitude is a huge boon, but when it fails? Yikes. I rather feel like she had overly-rationalized (maybe even over-simplified) every trauma she went through with Simon, and … the world isn’t rational or simple at the best of times. I really, really hope she can come to terms with that (and that we get to see it).

Simon and Baz Together Are Not Dealing. It goes without saying that these two NEED to talk. But their separate issues are a huge roadblock — I feel like the chances of misunderstandings occurring are high. Each is convinced that they are bad for the other. Baz is slightly better about it, but he’s so afraid of the consequences of broaching the subject, he simply won’t. And the thing is? His instincts aren’t wrong. Simon does want to break up with him. It’s based on the whole you deserve better than me assumption, but Baz is actually sensing correctly that Simon is on the verge of leaving him. They need to deal with their own, separate traumas, and they can do that together or apart, but they need to start healing in some capacity. I fully believe that they can be together, even with a break, but that break needs to come with communication? Point being, we all go through healthy and unhealthy periods, as individuals, as part of a family, as part of a couple. They are right smack dab in the middle of a rough, not-so-healthy part — however they cope with it, (TALKING AND LISTENING ARE MUSTS), we at least know that they love each other. Love alone is not enough, but it is a powerful, wonderful force in their corner.

The expansion on magic implies legion of ways in which to exist, and such is the case for coping with pain, sadness, regret, and all the other fun aspects of being humans who experience trauma in innumerable ways. Sometimes we choose things that are unhealthy as a stopgap, because we’re not ready for the work and pain that is healing. Y’all, healing sometimes is on par with the issues that made it necessary — in simpler terms, it can really, really suck at the start. Again, some of you may come from different perspectives, but this struck a chord with me.

I definitely went in with the expectation that all the issues would be laid out, and then addressed … We got the first half in spades … Did not get the second, nope.

Third Thing: The structure of this book implied right from the start that things may be unresolved, but, er, it was still a bit hard to deal with — having an epilogue at the beginning and a prologue at the end implies to me that this second book is a launch point. The prologue at the end is the start for the next (hopefully larger) narrative. That makes Wayward Son something like a sprawling behind-the-scenes look into these characters before we launch into their following, more detailed story.

But I didn’t feel too great about having been plunged so deeply into this ‘verse, only to not have a lifesaver tossed my way … Which is to say, it kept me breathless, and knowing that people survived allowed me a reprieve, but the core of this novel — the overall mental well-being of Simon, Baz, Penny, and Agatha — had me tight in its grip from the beginning and then just … kept right on squeezing at the end. Even tighter.

I don’t mind a plot-based cliff-hanger, but the fact that all the emotional and character arcs were left hanging as well? I felt like I got a decent resolution, or partial conclusion, on a few plot points, but next to no resolution for the emotional and/or psychological arcs. That I have a lot more trouble accepting. Particularly when I’ve spent an entire book with characters forced to live in each other’s space, in close quarters, and still not communicating. I wanted to rip out every beautiful thought Simon and Baz had about each other and throw it in the other’s face. Because they were gorgeous and wonderful, and for all that they are currently fractured and bleeding, they so clearly want what is best for each other. They are (mostly) selfless in their love (with a few selfish foibles, but they made sense to me).

I was also rather … not happy with the fact we got no mention of Lucy, of Davy, of them being Simon’s parents. I’m really, desperately hoping we get that in the next chapter of this series.

The positive thing I can take away from this point is that when we get to the next book (and I know there will be one — my copy literally has a number 2 on the spine, which heavily implies series to me), we will be firmly grounded in what is facing these characters both internally and externally.

The biggest issue that lies ahead is COMMUNICATION. I know (I hope like hell) this will be addressed in the next book, but I craved it so, so badly in this. Not just for Simon and Baz but PENNY. They are all sitting on shifting sand foundations now — their worlds have been completely overturned, over and over again in the past year or so, and they haven’t found firm footing yet. When Micah broke up with Penny, I very much thought that was the kick off for a road trip filled with introspection and epiphanies and finally, lots of talking about said introspections and epiphanies — I got half my wish. The latter half, I suppose, will have to wait until the next novel. I didn’t expect all the character/emotional beats to be acknowledged and resolved, but at least some of them, with room for others to be resolved in the next story, so we would have more (and more room) to explore in that novel.

As a result, Wayward Son, for the many things I loved about it, didn’t feel like a complete story for me. It doesn’t stand on its own quite as well as Carry On did. Maybe when the third book comes out, I will retroactively love it more, but for now I’m just sort of … floating along, waiting for that lifesaver. It did, honestly, feel a bit like half of a story. Half a good story, fantastic even, but still … Half.

In addition to these thoughts I’ve shared, here’s where I’m coming from, as a reader — we all come at these books from different places, different life experiences and wants and expectations.

One of my most formative reading experiences was Harry Potter. I read Harry Potter practically as it came out. I had to wait years between some of the books. By the time the last book arrived, the characters had matured about as much as I had. Because the middle books were so chunky and dense (and I loved them for it!), I was a little thrown off by how slim Deathly Hallows was in comparison, and that ultimately was reflected in my reading — it went by so quickly. While I loved it and sobbed all over the damn place, when I hit that epilogue … that’s the first time while reading that I did a full stop. All the pain and agony of that book, as quick as it had been, had been amazing, and it felt like it demanded some kind of … reflection and communication between the characters, and I thought after ten years of these books, we had a definite basis for an epilogue that could’ve added another third to this novel — maybe one that jumped through the years, showed us different characters at various stages of healing? Something involved and detailed to a degree.

Wayward Son had that rushed element to it … and I think part of that feeling was enhanced due to the lack of resolution to those character/emotional arcs — we were tumbling, running forward into a free fall and then were frozen right at that point before falling.

However, Wayward Son gives me more positive feelings than that epilogue in HP. Yes, it still feels incomplete, like half a story. But Wayward Son isn’t an end. Unlike Deathly Hallows, there is more to come, and that’s what I’m looking forward to most. It definitely has its flaws in my view, but I can reconcile them somewhat, as you’ve seen.

(There is also a whole thing involving the way these sorts of arcs would resolve in fanfiction versus the medium of a book intended for a broader audience, but that would be a whole other post, methinks. Let me know if you want me to discuss that, because I do have some thoughts on it, though they’re a little haphazard at the moment. Um. Assuming all this rambling isn’t wildly boring and/or awful for you.)

Final Thoughts: At the end of the day? I loved reading this book, even for all that I wanted to reach into the pages and knock the character’s heads together. I said, “Oh no!” out loud when I reached the end, but it was because I desperately wanted more right then and there. The fact that I want more means that, despite any flaws, I’m still on board for this universe and its characters — I still love all this magic, and this dragon boy and his vampire boyfriend :)

And now, 2000 plus words later, I am done, holy crap. If anyone actually made it to the bottom of this, thank you? Not too sure how coherent I was, but I hope some of this was of value to someone :) *many hugs*

Edit: Apparently I still had some things to say, so here is a sequel to this ramble — Simon and Baz Carrying On Like Wayward Sons.

#wayward son #wayward son spoilers #snowbaz #simon snow #rainbow rowell #tyrannus basilton grimm pitch #penelope bunce #agatha wellbelove #rants and ramblings

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saltyandsassynomad · 3 years

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As far as my sexuality is concerned, I’ve never felt the need to make a big declarative speech. I simply lived my life how I wanted to and didn’t give two shits about what others thought. I’d always said “straight people don’t make a speech about being straight. Why should people who aren’t straight make one?” (Granted this was made easier by the lack of family in my life but that’s a whole other season of “What Dumpster Fire Do You Call A Family?”)

I am a middle-aged woman (a lady never reveals her age “winky face”) and when I was coming of age we didn’t have all the terms that are now available to describe the various orientations that make up the beautiful rainbow of life. I knew of the big 3: heterosexual, homosexual, and bisexual. I had a tumultuous childhood/upbringing (yet another season of “WDFDYCAF?”) and thinking about my sexuality wasn’t really a priority; not that I felt stifled or scared to talk about it; I was simply dealing with much larger issues at the time. Tune in next season on “WDFDYCAF?” and you’ll find out. I lost my virginity to a male and primarily dated & hooked-up with guys but there was always the attraction to females as well. Therefore, I identified as bisexual.

While I identified as bisexual, I had never imagined myself married to a woman, just a man (of course with a girlfriend on the side “winky face”). I’m not sure why I felt that way; maybe it was because there wasn’t a strong presence of anything else readily available. But this never fully satisfied my soul. It always felt like work, something that needed to be done, not something that was enjoyed. First I would say it was because I hadn’t met the right guy so I kept searching and searching and marrying and divorcing (you can find out more about that shit show on “WTF Did I Just Do?”) and searching and dating and searching and searching (remember I’m a middle-aged woman so that’s a LOT of searching).

Maybe it was because all good things take work, right? I mean that’s what all the pillows on Etsy say don’t they? Maybe I needed to work harder at making relationships work (this is where the disastrous marriage came into play).

When that didn’t work, I thought I might need to direct that hard-working attitude towards myself. Given the family I was born into and the upbringing I had, I have a tons of trauma to work out and a fuck-ton of baggage to unpack. This is a work-in-progress. I am a work-in-progress #UnderConstruction

Not wanting to deny the feminie aspect of my sexual attractions, I started to learn about open relationships and polyamory. I enjoy the fluidity and openness of an honest ployamorous relationship. I’ve found them to be much more in touch with their feelings, more open to listening about others feelings, and easier to be myself around.

Unfortunately there are MANY toxic and unhealthy relationships out there, including in the polyamorous communities. I could write a book on this chaos but I’ll save that for another day. While I did my best to distance myself from those relationships, I did encounter them and it was enough for me to realize that this wasn’t a lifestyle for me. I want to be someone’s number one, someone’s one and only. Those feelings are the opposite of polyamory. I’m glad I had a chance to explore polyamory but I can definitely say it was a phase (in the cliched sense of any sexual choice we make is a “phase”).

Once I realized my desire to number 1, I stopped having casual sex, I became celibate by choice. Not because I am opposed to it but because I’m tired of meaningless encounters. I want to make love to someone not just have sex with them. I want the connection, the intimacy, the closeness and that’s not usually found in a one-night stand. I’m currently at 4 years, 7 months, and 13 days sexually sober.

Don’t get it twisted...I haven’t had sex with anyone ELSE in that time. With myself? Now that’s an entirely different story #SelfLove #GetYouSome

Then in March of 2020 COVID-19 hit & threw us all for a loop. We all found ourselves stuck at home, quarantining with nothing to do (remember back in the beginning when stores were running out of TP and we even had problems getting things delivered? Oh, the good ol’ days, lol). Most of us turned to social media to fill our time. Being ‘old school’ I usually turned to Facebook. Tired of all the drama that fills up the newsfeeds, I usually went straight to the video section and started scrolling. I could get lost there for hours on end.

Getting bored with seeing the same old things time after time, I took someone’s suggestion and looked into TikTok. I was hooked instantly! It was basically all the videos that I was watching on FB but shorter and more entertaining. This is how I began to fill my socially distanced life. I found videos about cooking, animals, crafts, and more. They were sarcastic, funny, sentimental, weird, goofy, everything that I find enjoyable.

Then came the ‘thirst traps’ and damn were they delicious! I had no idea what a thirst trap was but I knew I liked them. After a quick Google search I found my explanation and went right back to the Tok.

As we all know, the algorithm will feed you more and more of what you like. It took a little while for it to kick out the male thirst traps and replace them with the female ones and down the rabbit hole I went. The further I went, the more content I felt I connected with (crafty algorithm). The more I connected, the more my mind wandered (ADD - it does this often “shoulder shrug”). Then one afternoon while doing dishes something clicked in my head. All the sudden I had this thought of sitting on the couch watching TV with my WIFE sitting next to me, not a girlfriend, not someone I was fooling around with casually, not even someone that was a friend but we hooked up occasionally. Nope. I imagined my wife! That was the first time in all my years (still not telling you my age “smirk”) that I ever thought of myself married to a woman. The sense of ease, peace, and comfort I felt in that moment was like none other. It didn’t seem like work. It seemed like home.

For the first time in my life I felt like I was home.

You have NO IDEA what that means to me. I am a middle aged woman without a home. I’m a rootless nomad. To feel at home...I...well...it left me, the Loquacious Lady, at a loss for words. From that moment on I knew I wasn’t pansexual, bisexual, into polyamory, or anti-marriage...I was simply hardcore lesbian who never realized it.

So there you have it Tumblr: My Coming Out Speech, something I never, ever thought I’d make. Having no family (toxicity) and no real life friends to share this with (mental health has thrown me for a loop), I am telling you, the anonymous void, that I am a lesbian.

Happy Taco Tuesday!

LMFAO...I’ve always loved tacos and this day has a whole new meaning now! OMG, I’m dying!

That is all.

Cheers!

#coming out #tacotuesday #under construction #lgbtq #this is me

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fyrapartnersearch · 4 years

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looking for longterm novella-style partner

general hey guys i'm lauren, 26 years old and living in EST! i just got dumped and thought i'd fill the void in my life with some good, good writing so i'm looking for some people to plot and rp with. i'm usually bopping around on social media and love talking to my partners, whether it's getting to know them or just plotting future events for our characters.

i'm also very ditch-friendly! if you're tired of me or our rp, totally just ghost me, i'll get the hint. no need to get all anxious over breaking up with a partner. it's rping, it's all chill. if you're able to, giving me a head's up that you're not feeling the rp would be great though! i will absolutely return the courtesy if i'm not feeling it anymore either.

as a quick side note, i will only rp with people over the age of 21, and have a preference for partners over the age of 23! i just feel more comfortable when my partner is around the same age as me.

posts and characters i only write in third person past tense and would prefer for my partner to do the same. i'm very flexible with post lengths, but i tend to be on the wordy side. i'd love it if you could provide four or five paragraphs per post on average, though i absolutely value quality over quantity so post length isn't a huge concern of mine as long as there's something to reply to! longer posts are wonderful as well, and i have no issue waxing lengthy posts if that is your preference.

i generally reply at least once a day or once every other day, but even if i'm tied up with work and not able to reply consistently, i'll absolutely be available to chat. i'll let you know when i'm busy and love to shoot plot ideas back and forth even when i can't put aside a chunk of time to reply.

characters! i love playing multiple characters, but having a singular main character is great too. i prefer playing OCs but can also do canons, which i'll talk about more below. i have no preference about what sort of character you're playing, that's your decision! i like to develop new characters for each rp i do, but feel free to bring in old characters if that's what you want! i like characters that are complex and interesting and not ultra-powerful people -- or if they are, you're able to explore the emotional repercussions of it. if you're looking for a specific sort of character to play yours against, give me some guidelines before i whip up an OC and i'll be happy to make someone that fits your needs. i adore creating characters, and like making side or background characters that pass through or come in and out of the plot.

i like creating characters before the plot, rather than the other way around. i have a huge preference for character-driven plots -- putting our characters in a setting, and then letting their specific quirks and motivations lead where the rp goes next.

i also can provide rp samples if you'd like to see my writing before we rp!

genres; love and sex so first let me prattle off some original character genres that i love! i will list fandoms later.

• adventure; anything with a band of people coming together and forming a found family, traveling together on the way to a goal with obstacles thrown in their way • fantasy; i adore fantasy, whether it's magical realism or all out medieval fantasy. world-building is one of my favorite things. sci-fi is great too, but i'm not great when things get too tech-y haha • paranormal/mythical creatures; sort of goes with the fantasy, but i'm always down to rp different species in any sort of setting • fairy tales; i love taking old fairy tales or stories and giving them a unique twist, whether it's making them #gritty or just tossing them in a different sort of setting • superheroes; people with superpowers using it for good or evil and coming together yesss • romance; romance is great and i'll discuss that below, but i prefer this to be like a sub-genre • AUs; i love taking a fandom and making it an alternate timeline or AUing it completely. also once we have characters and a rp established, i love love love talking about AUs for our characters. i will AU everything, there is no AU too AUish for me

those are just my favorites so feel free to suggest others, but i will not do slice of life. i just find myself bogged down when there's not a defined plot, and it doesn't keep my interest. i also love these things if you'd be interested in tossing any of them in the rp:

• mages • shapeshifters • daemons [like from his dark materials] • people with horns or wings • pirates • dragons

pairings what up what up. i love rps with a dash of romance, whether our characters come in as an awesome couple battle duo, or two dorks realizing they're developing a crush on each other. either way, i don't like characters who are not in a relationship immediately getting together -- i'm all about the bonding and character development. i do not like rping cishet m/f pairings. bi girl and bi dude falling in love is great. trans man and trans woman falling in love is great. ace woman and a masculine nb person falling in love is great. any other type of lgbtqia+ pairing is great. if you have a general preference for m// or f// just let me know!

i also love anything unconventional, from happy polyamorous couples to obsessive unrequited pining. love triangles are great, conflict is great, anything to keep the relationship fresh and interesting without verging into the realm of over-dramatic. if you're looking for someone to rp a dark and unhealthy romance with, i am your person. also if you want to rp cute poly couples. i am also that person.

for fandoms, i'll do canon/canon and OC/OC but not canon/OC!

smut smut is totally rad, as long as it's not the sole focus of the rp. i like the smut to add something to the character, the characters' relationship, or the plot in addition to just being for porn's sake. cute smut is great. dark smut is great. getting to do both is even better. i do have a handful of smut-based limits including things like water sports, pedophilia, vore -- if you want a complete list just ask when you contact me. themes i would enjoy exploring typically depend on the character and what my partner's limits are.

limits i don't have any limits besides the aforementioned smut limits. besides that, i love violence, gore, and swearing. i like exploring dark themes when the rp calls for it. i do not like rping with people who treat trauma, abuse, and psychopathy as personal traits or try to make things obnoxiously dark and gritty. but otherwise everything's pretty much on the table! if you have any limits please let me know -- i have no problem not swearing or avoiding certain topics or fading to black if that is your preference.

fandoms stars denote preference.

dragon age [origins; da2; inquisition] ✩✩✩ dragon age is my favorite thing in the world and i would love someone to rp it with. i have a preference for OCs though would also be up to rping canon characters. rping an OC MC with OC companions is my jam, though i also like exploring what the rest of the world is up to while the main plot is going on. also any AU of dragon age is great -- inquisition in a modern setting, kirkwall with a sci-fi twist; universe diverging where the bad guy wins and stuff like that.

pokemon [any gen] ✩✩✩ i am always down for a pokemon rp you have no ideaaa. however i really like my pokemon rps more serious (i know how ridiculous that sounds). i like exploring aspects of the pokemon world outside of just being a trainer and getting badges. i like to rp pokemon like they're intelligent animals, meaning that wild pokemon aren't so easily tamed and pokemon can get hurt. i'm also so down for crossbreeds/fusions. i have some plot ideas in mind for pokemon and would love to hear yours!

final fantasy [IV, VII, VIII, crisis core, advent children, dissidia] ✩✩ i have this random love for IV, but honestly i am total VII trash and have been playing the remake a lot. i'm also a little familiar with XIV and have some OCs already created for a setting like that.

fallout [any game] ✩✩ would love to do OCs for this, and admittedly something in the commonwealth would be rad because i've played 4 most recently. brotherhood of steel is always great, anything with them is awesome. also stuff with synths that involves questioning what it means to be human and have faith in your own identity/memories w/e w/e would be cool. also just a general AU of a fallout-like setting maybe set in a city that hasn't been explored yet.

kingdom hearts [any game] ✩ i'd love something in the bbs era, but honestly anything is great. exploring nobodies successfully turned into ansem-heart-holders, the new keyblade warriors to defeat ansem (this guy gets around), or kh1&2 characters during the bbs time is all great. for canon characters sora, aqua, ventus, marluxia, and larxene are the ones i've played the most but i'm always looking to branch out.

medium i like to rp over discord, email, or google docs, with a separate discord channel or IM for separate chatting and plotting. i'm also open to making a joint tumblr blog that we both post our posts on, which i did not know was a thing until very recently!

contact if you're interested please shoot me a message on my tumblr or at Lauren#5244 on discord! :)

#oc rp #multiple paragraph #long term #email #messenger #tumblr #pokemon rp #smut rp #submission

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curtisandlewis · 6 years

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A Guide to The Playhouse

The Playhouse is a fic of my own creation and my baby. It originated from my need to write about the parties that Jerry, Tony, and Janet revolved their lives around that occurred at the building in Jerry's backyard affectionately named The Playhouse. As I sat down to plot this epic story that spanned from 1948 to 1953 relationships developed complexity, conflict was practically handed to me, and I got the gift of writing scene after scene of Jerry with Tony. They're not my OTP but are my biggest obsession. However, I am completely changing the storyline.

I knew from the start the "The Playhouse" would not be a fairytale. The relationships are complex and can be unhealthy and abusive. Mental illness, trauma, sex addiction, abuse of drugs and alcohol all contribute to risky and abusive behaviors. BDSM is also at the core of the story both being practiced in safe and dangerous ways. I thought it would be sufficient just include warnings at the beginning of each chapter as I do for any of my fics that can be "problematic" but I now realize the twenty or so thousand words I have written are not just "problematic" but can be harmful especially to anyone like me. I have written this guide to explain why I wrote those words and hopefully reverse any damage they have done.

To anyone that read what I wrote and got the impression that certain sexual acts were more taboo or wrong than others, I am truly sorry. That is a fucked up way to live. I wouldn’t wish anyone to have shame for who they are or what they want in a consensual sexual relationship. Think about the sex you enjoy, without shame or restriction. Read the sex scenes that entertain you the most. Write the kind of sex you want to see in the world and is the most fun for you to write. Choose to masturbate and explore your body in the ways you want. Or choose not to touch yourself. Have sex in any way you and your partner/partners desire and consent to. Or choose not to have sex at all. It is your decision to make. That is your right as a person who is in charge of their own body. Please learn from my mistakes.

I just want to make it clear that the film adaptation of Fifty Shades of Grey came out in February 9, 2015. I had no idea about the book until I saw the trailer for the movie. The first chapter of "The Playhouse" was published May 17, 2014, and I had been writing and planning several months before that. I have never read Fifty Shades of Grey and I only saw the first half hour (I couldn't make it to the sex scenes) of the movie in 2016. After I saw Christian Grey say the infamous line, "I don't make love. I fuck. Hard." I worried that Tony was similar to Christian Grey and that his relationship with Jerry was similar to the one in the movie. However, I NEVER presented their sexual relationship as a love story to be watched on Valentine's day. It may be that the two stories have nothing in common but I obsessively worried that they were and that I wrote something deeply problematic.

In March of 2015, I wrote a spin off of "The Playhouse" about the first time Tony humps Jerry (their fave activity). After I wrote it I felt like I had done something wrong. Not too long after something bad happened to a member of my family. I believed by writing the words in that story I had caused the bad thing because I was being punished. I now know I have OCD and this is how OCD works against you. It makes you believe you caused something when there is no logical way you could have caused it to happen. This is why "The Playhouse" has not been updated in over two years. I can look back now and realize the reason why I felt like I had done something wrong is that the characters were acting in a way that was wrong to who they were. I had projected my anxiety and shame onto them.

From here on out there will be liberal use of sex terms and discussion of sex

What you need to know: I have anxiety writing anal sexual stimulation or anal sex due to many toxic beliefs and stigmas I internalized over the years. To avoid writing these scenes I made Dean's character believe due to his internalized homophobia that it was wrong for a man to penetrate another man or be penetrated by any gender even if in masturbation. Since the age of sixteen, Jerry has had curiosity about being penetrated. Tony has wanted to top Jerry since Jerry's sixteenth birthday (the fic that sparked my OCD) that is six years starting from chapter one of the story. To again, avoid having to write any penetrative scenes I had to write Dean being emotionally abusive and using shame and threats to control Jerry's sexual behavior. All of this because I as a writer did not realize I could just not fucking write anal sex scenes. I thought if I wrote a bunch of dry humping scenes you would think I was weird so instead, I wrote horribly abusive relationships...

Quick History lesson, since the medieval times it was believed evil for a man to be penetrated because he was in a passive role that was reserved for women. Men that were penetrated were put to death while women who had sex with women without penetration were encouraged to do so for their health. These toxic beliefs are deep within history and still exist in society.

Allow me to get a little bit personal. I’ve always had anxiety writing anal sex scenes. I’ve written it very rarely in the past ten years that I have been writing sex scenes. I wrote mostly oral sex because it was less "homosexual" than anal sex. (I had a lot of internalized crap I was dealing with). Even though it’s absolutely possible for two men to have a sexual relationship and never have anal sex, I thought it would be too weird for Dean and Jerry to be having sex for six years and never try it. Also as a writer, I enjoy writing them being physically intimate but not having sex. That word I see in fanfiction tags: frottage (such a weird word). You know the act of two men rubbing up against each other. It just offers so many more options than manual sex or oral sex ever could. THE FACT YOU DON’T HAVE TO TAKE YOUR CLOTHES OFF. How convenient is that? But I never saw it as the main option for sexual gratification. It was always presented as either foreplay or the only option because the characters couldn’t have sex. What made me feel weirder is that I enjoyed writing “humping” scenes (also a strange word) This is “frottage” but front to back instead of front to front. All of the advantages of anal sex without any of the problems. It required no prep. Whoever is on top can do it as hard and fast as they want and not hurt their partner. Likewise, to show intimacy it can be done in a gentle and romantic way, maybe even being left for special occasions like anniversaries. It’s also very easy for Tony and Jerry to take turns being top and Jerry doesn’t always have to be in the passive submissive role. Speaking of submissive it’s also easy to incorporate BDSM without it becoming too intense. Have you read those stories where the guy bleeds? You know what I mean. I didn’t want Jerry to bleed. And if he did I didn’t want it to be sexy. I wanted it to show that his sex addiction was getting out of hand or their BDSM relationship was becoming reckless. They can do it again, and again, and again. It wouldn’t put nearly the amount of strain on Jerry’s body that intercourse would. And of course, if you read “The Playhouse” you know that I use it an awful lot in group sex situations and to show just how fucking possessive Dean can be. As you can see there were a lot of positives to writing scenes in this way but that didn’t stop me from feeling weird about it. I probably read only one scene like that in my life. Before that, I saw it only a few times in movies and it made me go hmmm. I felt it was something that wasn’t really talked about or done. It wasn’t presented as an alternative to sex or even an option. I thought if I were to write the scenes I wanted to, people who read them would say, “Why don’t they just fuck already? What the fuck am I reading? This is so weird.”

I projected all of my toxicity onto Jerry. It started out simple enough I heard a lot of jokes as a kid that went, you must have known your husband was “gay” because he liked your finger up his ass. Because all women that enjoy receiving oral sex are “lesbian” right? (I hope you saw the sarcasm in that) Then I noticed there weren’t a lot of heterosexual married couples in movies having non vaginal intercourse. Sometimes you could see the couple in the “doggystyle” position but the wife was still being penetrated in her vagina. When I saw the other form of intercourse it was gay men or people not in love. I think that had a lasting effect on me. But what was worse is that I watched a movie with a BDSM theme. The woman worked as a dominatrix (hated her job btw) and her male partner confessed to her that he liked to be penetrated and dominated. Her reaction was so verbally abusive it was disgusting. Instead of thinking you are a horribly abusive person and he needs to leave you I internalized it as oh I guess it’s really not okay for men to want that. I have struggled with internalized homophobia, biphobia, and transphobia. I have dealt with it all. I just didn’t have the tools back then to see things as they are. An abusive woman who had a very illogical view of the world and a media that didn’t have the imagination or the knowledge of what sexual relationships could be.

These are the general reasons why I wrote: "The Playhouse" with such problematic themes and why I have decided to no longer continue those themes.

The lesson I learned from this was to not project my toxic shit onto my characters and make them act in ways that are not authentic to who they are. I give myself the permission to write what makes me happy and fulfilled.

DEAN: What you need to know: Dean has internalized homophobia due to childhood trauma. He was taught if a man is penetrated by a person of any gender they will instantly become homosexual and not a man.

As a young boy Dean was told by his mother don't be a f...well, I'm sure you can guess what she said. All his life he was reprimanded (sometimes with hitting) for behavior that was too "homosexual" Behaviors like, crying, telling someone he loved them and showing emotion. As he got older his so called friends just made his internalized homophobia worse. He was terrified that he wasn't masculine enough and that he had to be a man like they said or else be nothing. Along the way Dean was taught the rules, he lives his life by:

A man never says "I love you" even to his own family

A man never ever says "I love you" to another man

A man never lets anyone see him cry or be emotional

A man must keep people at a distance

A man has sex with women and has sex often

A man has a wife and children and whatever he can get on the side

A man can do "guy stuff" with other guys as a form of bonding or just a quick way to get off.

A man does not suck cock

A man can get his cock sucked by another man and be secure in his manhood because he is in the active "manly" role

A man must never ever under any circumstance be penetrated by anyone even himself. A man must not fantasize or actively desire to be penetrated otherwise he is a homosexual and will no longer be a man. He will be nothing.

That is the reasoning for Dean's problematic and abusive behavior towards Jerry. He tries to control Jerry's sexual behavior and desires because if Jerry were to be homosexual Dean would have to end their sexual relationship (He could never think of ending their friendship).

The truth is that in real life during the time Dean was growing up this was NOT the belief. It was believed a man could have anal sex with another man as long as he was the one doing the penetrating. This meant he was in the active "male" role. It was actually preferred to penetrate a feminine homosexual man because they were believed to not be men and to be a third gender. Jerry is bisexual, not homosexual but close enough to be a PERFECT candidate. The only worry Dean would have is hurting his pally that first time. They could happily fuck for the whole ten years of their partnership and Dean would think of himself as nothing but the picture of masculine heterosexuality.

and of course

YOU CAN ABSOLUTELY HAVE ANY KIND OF SEX YOU WANT AND MOST CERTAINLY MASTURBATE IN THE WAY MOST PLEASURABLE TO YOU WITHOUT AFFECTING YOUR SEXUALITY JUST AS LONG AS YOU DON’T CAUSE HARM TO YOURSELF OR OTHERS.

What you need to know: Dean is emotionally and at times verbally abusive to Jerry and arguably to his wife Betty as well.

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theboykingofhell · 6 years

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Hey Ricky, prefacing this with I love u but I kind of have a different view on the way shipping culture evolved. Honestly I don't think it's necessarily a bad thing that people are becoming more critical when it comes to ships and unhealthy dynamics- I remember the days of 2009-2010 when things were a lot different and not always for the better (i.e rape being normalized in fanfics and abuse being presented as okay/not really abuse) . (1/Probably 2)

(2/2) Personally I just get kind of wary when it seems like people are jerking it to someone else’s abuse/suffering bc they can- A relationship with no problems is boring, of course, but as an abuse victim it just kind of makes my skin crawl when people who may or may not have been through the situation they’re writing about or consuming in some way present it as entertainment without thinking about who it might affect or what’s really going on inside it

well i mean.. i agree with you haha there’s like ten thousand different opinions i have about shipping culture especially now, especially with the life experiences i have now. i mean, it’s rly hard to make blanket statements about a lot of fandom stuff considering how huge fandom is and how many different individual things are happening… fandom isn’t a hivemind, so a lot of what i was talking about, especially before, is honestly just really specific to my dash and what i’ve been seeing on it in the past year or two compared to, let’s say 2009-2010

like, i understand that abusive dynamics is an incredibly fetishized thing in fandom, and i understand stuff like… i mean, what i’ve come to realize now that i am a survivor of a shitload of bullshit things is how so much of the hurt/comfort genre… can read as really fetishy depending on who is writing it and who actually has an understanding of what’s being written. some hurt/comfort does read as an exploration of trauma and recovery, and then other hurt/comfort stuff just looks like a woobiefying circlejerk over one cute character’s pain

so i do enjoy the fact that it’s becoming more known what’s wrong with this kind of shit but what i’ve found is that now there’s so much backlash towards anything in that vein, there’s no moderation and there’s no differentiation between someone who is being really fetishy and someone who is respectfully enjoying material for more personal reasons. i was talking more about the backlash one ship in one fandom has gotten because, especially out of late (i mean, it comes in waves when you check the tags) there’s been a lot of hate being thrown, lots of death threats, lots of people being blacklisted just because they’re into a ship, and that’s just… WEIRD to me! it’s not like a new thing, shipping wars has always been a thing, but there’s a new level now. i feel like (and this is an overarching problem on tumblr i’ve noticed that is only being aimed at fandom for this topic, but i see it with everything) that there is a VERY black and white, and very basic set of morals that people are forcing themselves to adhere to that aren’t realistic because, frankly, they’re kind of ignorant? in that it seems like, instead of forming their own opinions, people are latching so hard to ideas they read on tumblr and then run off to attack people who don’t conform to those ideas instantly, until that idea morphs and gets more and more extreme, until we’re left with nothing but this really extreme ONE view without any give-or-takes happening, no gray areas, nothing. which is largely because there’s just a lot of young people on here who are still trying to figure out where they are and that’s an unfortunate matter on its own blbhgkj

like, that’s one opinion i have on the subject, and then another is just the fact that, myself as a survivor is different than other people as a survivor, and i get that. there are people who have the opinion that there is absolutely no reason rape should ever be depicted in media as a plot form, ever, and that’s based on their experiences and that’s a valid opinion for them, but for me, when it’s written right, then i’m fine with it. then i’m more than fine with it. i like these kind of topics. i’ve always gravitated towards darker shit like that, even more so now that i’ve experienced it irl, so i’m also aware of the fact that my… let’s say, alarm, about the popularity and shift in tone in how these topics are talked about has changed is just because i’m so used to the 2010 era of fiction, and i’m still in that 2010 mindset where no one ever bats an eye to it, and my opinions and tastes now are the same as they were back then. if bakudeku had come out at the same time naruto had, i’m certain they would be the hugest ship out there in the fandom. now, that’s just not true. which is interesting!

and i hope it also doesn’t sound like i’m saying this is a bad thing. i’m just saying it’s different! for good and bad reasons, because, again, i’ve seen a lot of terrible behavior spurned from this kind of thinking and i think that is behavior that needs to be fixed, but just because other people have a different taste than i do doesn’t mean it’s wrong. so i apologize if it sounds like that’s what i thought cuz it’s not :s

#love you too bby :*#liveblogging bnha #cthulhuoflongisland #ask tag #rape mention //--/#abuse mention //--/

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purplesouloflavender · 5 years

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How to deal with children who have experienced anxiety, abuse & trauma? : (Healing Actions)

Photo Souce : Limor Zellermayer : Unsplash

If you are a parent or an educator, you know what I am exactly talking about. I am sure we often come across children in our lives who experience such traumatic events in life that it becomes almost impossible to heal their inner wounds.

Have you come across children or teenagers who remain silent and wishes to remain in solitude most of the times?

There are children who often likes to be secluded from others and even stop talking.

I am sure we have all heard about bullied children and how it affects their core personality. I was a bullied child in school and always used to be picked on just because I was often told and made to believe that I was weak in studies. But honestly, I hated one subject, which was mathematics and I was terrible at it.

None of the teachers in my school bothered to understand that I was good in all other subjects but nevertheless, they enjoyed bullying and insulting me in a way that it affected my self worth and I almost ended up believing that I was pathetic and good for nothing. It affected my core personality, self-worth and my confidence went down to zero.

Students bullied me too. But in real I have always been a lovely child and very good in my heart. No one really understood what I was going through from within my soul.

Trauma abuse or anxiety can develop and literally affect a child’s brain. Even if a child or teenager is humiliated before everyone, the brain cells somewhat change which affects the creative part of the whole brain. In other words, it shuts down.

A child or teenager does not get affected by trauma just because they are born in a conflicted area or it could be assumed that they are part of a dysfunctional atmosphere around them. It can happen for many reasons. We always end up ignoring the little red flags which often come as a warning to us, but we adults often do not give much importance to it.

Let’s talk about the red flags and how it affects the personality of children or teenagers when they are affected and hit by trauma, abuse or anxiety.

These are the signs that often tell us that a child is suffering from anxiety, abuse or trauma.

A child or teenager builds mental walls around them in order to avoid rejection.

A child becomes a lover of solitude and they would prefer to remain in loneliness than being social.

When a child or teenager is humiliated in front of everyone, their self-worth is affected.

A child starts believing they are worthless.

They become extremely sensitive and overly-emotional.

A child’s dysfunctional environment affects their core personality because they download whatever they see around them and ends up copying it.

They become aggressive and lose contact with their compassionate side.

They fear and shake in terror without any massive reason for such feelings.

A child becomes imbalanced and starts living an extremely unhealthy life.

They become attention seekers and gets fueled by conflict where in other cases, a child simply avoids and escapes the scenario.

When a child’s emotional needs are not met, they feel abandoned and their soul gets damaged.

Their confidence level shrinks to a level where it almost becomes impossible for them to gain their real self back.

They start believing opinions of others and hence their spirit gets crushed.

If a child is a victim of trauma they forget about their talents and lose their soul.

When a child is abused emotionally, mentally or physically by the perpetrator, their mental health gets mostly damaged more than the physical health. It almost becomes normal for them to accept abuse and disrespectful behavior from others, while making them tolerate everything even if it’s unfair. They become victims and prisoners of a mental cage full of toxic life patterns where they are mostly unable to escape from.

They have a strong chance of getting influenced and indulging in bad company.

Let’s talk about some actions that we can take towards them in order to help them heal in the most gentle way.

HOW TO TAKE ACTIONS TOWARDS HEALING A CHILD OR TEENAGER’S INNER WOUNDS?

The first and foremost thing we can do is respect their story and circumstances.

We have to become really good listeners to whatever they have to say.

If you are a parent or an educator, you can definitely become emotionally available to them. It is the emotional presence that they need the most.

The mental health of an abused or traumatic child becomes disoriented and hence it’s our responsibility to heal them by offering them love and the strongest care.

Do not stop them from crying. Let them cry their heart out because the tears are the only way to heal them.

Ask about their interests and give your strongest attention to the affected children. They want to be heard, seen and loved.

Initiate fun activities or games so that they remain distracted and create mental barriers by making them laugh that would stop them from thinking about the past or any unfortunate events in their life.

Empower them. Make them feel that they are the most beautiful children or teenagers you have ever encountered. They should feel really special.

Give your sympathy and strongest empathy. Lead them towards their new journey by taking appropriate actions and coming to solutions that would help them look forward to their new destination rather than being afraid of the unknown.

Take them out to parks, musical events, movie theaters, museums, churches, other charities, recreational places for children, restaurants and have fun with them. Let them explore their open mind so that it heals their inner being.

Talk to them. Look them in the eyes and feel their wounds as if it’s your own.

Rocket-Boost them up with your uplifting words about hope, love, truth and courage.

Give them peace in their heart by talking about a higher figure known as God who is always with them. Prayers can create miracles. Make them believe that there is someone to call upon when they feel terrible misery in their heart and soul. Do not make it about religion or superstition but instead give them hope that their is someone to look after them. It can give them the strongest source of joy and strength in their heart.

Dance and sing with them. There is no other healing treasure than music. Music has the ability to heal everything.

If there is a possibility, take them near the ocean or the sea by taking support from your community or friends. There is a certain calmness about oceanic water that can heal every core wounds.

Celebrate their birthdays. Make their day the most special.

Do not make them feel that they are different from you. Act like their wounds can be anyone else’s. Make them realize unfortunate events happen all the time and everyone is fighting their own battles. Do not ever make them feel like a victim.

Hold their hand tight and offer them the simple assurance that you are with them for support. Let them know that you have got their back!

Ask them to always remain courageous and face everything that come on their way. Make them believe that fear is just an illusion. It will help them to face this scary world.

Last but not the least, love them truly, deeply and madly just like the way you would do it to your own children or loved ones.

Hope these actions can help you all to heal the children or teenager’s inner wounds. I am sure, you can try these simple psychological methods.

Let me know how you feel about this content. :)

Sending you all my love and light. Let God’s love remain with you all.

Photo Source : Caroline Hernandez : Unsplash

#children healing empowerment teenagers mentalhealth healingjourney

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