Sirius leaned in and pressed his lips to Remus's. After a single heartbeat, Remus responded and Sirius felt like he'd pass out just from the relief.
He grabbed at Remus's hair, pulling him closer, determined to be as close as possible, terrified of letting Remus go, in case he lost him again. The last two years had easily been the loneliest of his life, and there was no way he was going back to that.
Yes, he'd had James, and to some extent, Lily. But neither of them had ever, truly been able to fill the void left by Remus Lupin. No one else had ever given him the sense of home, and comfort and belonging as Remus had when he'd wrapped Sirius in his arms and held him close. There was no way he was going to mess that up again.
Surging forward, Sirius poured every ounce of feeling into the kiss. He groaned as Remus's hands pressed against his chest, palms flattened against the hardening peaks of his nipples. Clearly as desperate to feel closer as Sirius was, Remus made quick work of slipping Sirius shirt over his head, barely breaking the kiss as he did so.
"I missed you," Remus panted against Sirius kiss swollen lips.
Sirius nodded frantically and began planting kisses across Remus's skin, as he deftly unbuttoned Remus's heavy shirt. Punctuating each sentence with a fresh kiss.
"I missed you too," he panted, his voice raspy and gravelly with lust. "I missed you so much. I missed your sleepy grumbling in the morning. I missed the way your kisses make me feel." Remus's hands continued to map the plains of his body, sliding down closer to Sirius's waistband. "I missed your hands on me. The feel of your palm against my cock."
Remus whimpered slightly, his hand dipping to cup Sirius through his trousers as his hips jerked just enough for Sirius to become aware of the growing rection in those ill-fitting jeans.
Sirius groaned lewdly, "How could you ever think someone like Fabian could compare to this. Compare to you,"
Before he even drew another breath, Sirius knew he'd made a mistake.
Remus stiffened, and not in the way Sirius had previously been enjoying. His hands pulled back from Sirius's body as if he'd been burned and his face twisted into something ugly. An angry, hurt, devestated look that Sirius had seen only once before.
"So you did sleep with him," Remus seethed. He was pulling further and further away. Sirius's heart began to race. Not again. He couldn't do this again.
"You swore to me. You swore on James and Lily that you hadn't."
"I didn't. Remus I swear to you. I told you the truth. I did not sleep with Fabian that night. I..." Sirius stammered. Remus was glaring at him. His whiskey coloured eyes dark, and stormy. Just tell him the truth. James's voice spoke in his mind. Firm and wise, and reassuring as ever. Sirius took a deep breath, nodded, and continued. "I didn't sleep with Fabian the night your father died. I would never have done that. I was stupid and I responded to our argument by going out and getting absolutely wasted but I did not sleep with him. I spent the night sleeping off the booze on his sofa, because he knew if I came home in the state I was in I'd only make the situation worse." Sirius took another breath and steadied himself. Just say it. James told him. Get it over with. Like ripping off a plaster.
Sirius swallowed, "But after you kicked me out. I went back there. We got drunk again and I thought... I thought if you were going to accuse me of shagging him regardless, I might as well get something from it. So I did. I regretted it the moment I sobered up. But you'd already left me by that point so I had nothing left to lose. It... It happened a few more times over the next few months before we both agreed it wasn't right. I was still hung up on you, Remus. I have been since we were sixteen years old. I love you. I've always loved you."
Sirius finally stopped for breath. His heart was racing. But he trusted James. Had always trusted him. If James said it was going to be alright, he had to believe it would be.
He stared at Remus. His Moony. He searched Remus's face for any sign of understanding. Any semblance of forgiveness. Of reciprocation of the love that he felt. For a second, he thought he saw the storm clouds in Remus's eye lighten, and he reached out a hand to steady and reassure them both. As soon as his palm made contact with Remus's thigh, the other man recoiled. The clouds returned and he snarled, "Get out."
"Remus, please," Sirius couldn't control the way his voice broke.
"Get out and don't come back. I don't want you here."
Just as it had two years ago, the room around them plunged into darkness. Everything Sirius had hoped and dreamed of shattered to a million pieces around them. This life, the life he'd always envisaged for them, of a home together, a family, it crumbled into nothing but dust and pain. Instinctively he reached for Remus again, desperate to ground himself, to stop Remus from pulling too far away. But he couldn't. Remus was already out of reach.
"What about Harry. The will..."
"Harry's better off without someone like you. Someone who'll do nothing but let him down. We'll both be better off. The lawyers will see that eventually."
The savegery of Remus's words and the raw pain in his eyes were a blow to Sirius's chest. And though he'd never thought it possible, it hurt more now than it had before. Remus stood up, breaking the spell and bringing the room back into focus. Cementing the reality they found themselves in.
"I'm going to bed. When I come down in the morning, I don't want to find you here. You understand?“
Tears pricked at the corners of Sirius's eyes. His throat burned with unspoken words and he longed to let everything burst out of him. To catch Remus in the tsunami of his feelings, promises and reassurances. But what was the point. They were broken. Sirius had broken them irreparably two years ago.
As if reading his mind, Remus muttered, "I was a gods damned fool to think anything had changed."
He didn't look back, but he didn't need to. Sirius knew the exact expression of his face because it likely mirrored his own. He held back the tears long enough for Remus to retreat to his bedroom and close the door.
The sun was starting to rise behind the living room curtains when Sirius finally ran out of tears. Everything ached, and every part of his body trembled as he moved around the room, collecting his things.
He'd done nothing but fuck up Remus's life and the life they could have had together for the last two years. If not longer. But he'd be damned if he continued to do so. By the time Harry stumbled, bleary eyed into the living room, Sirius was long gone.
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hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?
hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].
but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.
it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.
and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.
the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.
an emptiness, like you said.
but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.
you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.
he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.
but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.
how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.
the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.
think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.
i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.
but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one.
wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.
as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛
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So I know what happens when a Caligo doesn’t get enough light, but what happens if one gets too much at once?
Assuming that’s even a possibility for them
Hmmm I haven't thought of this before actually- I'm thinking it could be an overload of energy that could end up incinerating them from the inside out.. which is my first thought- But after doing a teeny amount of research on stars since their cores are pretty similar in build to them I've figured it'd be more like this below
If their cores get too much energy than it can filter out, it will start to become denser and hotter. As It expands It will begin to feed on their body causing them to weaken more as it grows. And when it's no longer able to feed off of it's body it will eventually become something similar to a dwarf star. Leaving it without a body and killing it completely.
Though some are big enough to burn/feed off of other things around it still, Only if they're really really old. After a while it will not be able to feed off of anything around it, becoming so dense it just collapses on itself like how a super nova or black hole would be created. Making them into a new thing entirely, or killing them in the process.
So It's basically the same thing that happens when they die, but more intense I think. But this is a pretty rare event since they don't need too much energy to keep their cores stable.
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The genre of paleodocumentary – documentaries focusing on extinct ancient life – reemerged with Apple TV’s Prehistoric Planet in 2023. It draws heavily on traditional nature documentaries, tying together disparate segments with a common theme, and echoing the prestige of productions like Planet Earth, The Hunt, and The Blue Planet with renowned presenter Sir David Attenborough. This pedigree situates Prehistoric Planet as successor to the last landmark paleodocumentary series, the BBC’s wildly successful Walking With Dinosaurs. Released in 1999, the series set a standard that has scarcely been met since. Two and a half decades later, Prehistoric Planet might represent a renaissance, apart from one glaring flaw that undermines the project’s educational value.
Where most wildlife documentaries utilize on-location filming and stock footage, paleomedia by nature cannot rely on actual footage. Instead, a combination of practical effect modeling and computer-generated imagery (CGI) is used to depict extinct creatures. As this is prohibitively expensive, material often gets reused long past its expiration date. One clip from Walking With Dinosaurs has featured in at least three ‘talking head’ style documentaries, as recently as 2016.
Cross-pollination between documentaries is common in other respects. Many of Prehistoric Planet’s segments are extrapolated from documentary footage of modern animals, and as such are largely speculative in their presented behavior and physical appearance (neither of which fossilize well). While its visual material is a new breath of life for the genre, the copycat elements and influence of extant wildlife are such that the onscreen byline, ‘Planet Earth, 66 million years ago,’ might more accurately be, ‘Planet Earth, 66 million years ago.’
This may actually be beneficial; although derivative, the format is familiar and effectively demonstrates extinct creatures’ probable complexity and versatility. Documentaries are designed for accessibility — they speak to a layman’s understanding, encourage development of a deeper interest, and double as entertainment — even as they counter misinformation stemming from other forms of entertainment. Alongside the equivalent Tyrannosaurus rex, Velociraptor-the-movie-monster dominates the public consciousness, having featured as a primary plot element in no fewer than six massively popular entertainment productions. Prehistoric Planet aims to correct resulting misconceptions, drawing a distinction between Velociraptor, animal, and Velociraptor, movie monster, in the familiar format of a nature documentary.
Considering that the goal of any documentary is to distill dense, difficult-to-digest information into the need-to-know, science communicators shoulder an important responsibility, because they serve as an educational touchstone. Jaques Cousteau was the educational touchstone for oceanography just as Carl Sagan was the touchstone for an entire era of astrophysics and Stephen Hawking the touchstone for theoretical physics. For seventy years, David Attenborough has been the touchstone for wildlife and ecology.
Those who take up that role are obligated to present their data with care. Data may be disproven or incomplete, but to encapsulate 25 years of paleontological advancement, given those limitations you need to get the science right — and in one critical respect, Prehistoric Planet drops the ball.
The final episode of Prehistoric Planet’s second season features Pectinodon and Styginetta. Attenborough’s narration states that every year, “Styginetta, a primitive relative of modern ducks, stop here on their travels. And they’re not alone; dinosaurs are here, too.” The implication that Styginetta are not dinosaurs in their own right misrepresents the science, and might have been amended with the addition of a single word: "other dinosaurs are here, too." If the writers, editors, researchers, producers, and fact checkers uniformly didn’t catch this, Attenborough should have; he has (and is) the authority, having been a titan of wildlife presentation since before the advent of color television. He should have changed the script.
This neglect of the scientific consensus is disconcerting, the equivalent of the next Planet Earth including a line in reference to ‘whales, and other fish…’ Not all dinosaurs were wiped out by the asteroid impact; modern-day birds, it has been established, are the dinosaurs that survived. Alongside the extinct dinosaurs, Prehistoric Planet features their contemporaries, the flying pterosaurs and marine reptiles such as mosasaurs and plesiosaurs, which were wiped out and have no surviving lineages. Lacking living examples to draw upon, Prehistoric Planet embraces speculative potential to present these extinct creatures as interesting — but educational media cannot sacrifice accuracy for entertainment. Styginetta are recognizable as birds, having the expected beaks, feathers, and flight-capable wings. Notably, Pictinodon are also feathered, and yet this correlation is never directly addressed – another missed opportunity. Both look photorealistic, move energetically, and read as alive in a way that has only been made possible in recent years, thanks in part to advances in CGI revolutionized by the production of Jurassic Park.
In the post-Jurassic Park era, it is impossible to consider early paleomedia (e.g., the work of Ray Harryhousen) as plausible. Clunky stop motion using puppets or clay, charming as it is, cannot be mistaken for reality. A photorealistic degree of visual acuity is possible with CGI, but this development predicates an ethical responsibility to avoid blurring the lines of truth. Even though (one hopes) nobody actually believes there was a camera running 66 million years ago, the viewer’s brain still buys it and processes it as visual input.
There is an obligation to communicate when something is speculative; an ethical responsibility to not misrepresent known science. And while conflating the speculative with the factual is an endemic problem within the genre, most paleomedia simply does not have the reach and influence of Prehistoric Planet. When a production has the backing of both Apple Inc. and the BBC, and is being played on repeat on every showroom test screen at Best Buy (as was recently the case) it has weight behind it. The farther the reach, the more critical it is to get it right.
One only needs to look at Jurassic Park's impact on the public perception of dinosaurs to corroborate this. ‘Velociraptors’ in those films are nominally based on Deinonychus and Utahraptor — but because the name Velociraptor appealed more, in accordance with the ‘rule of cool’ it was taken from the turkey-sized creature in the fossil record and reconfigured as a reptilian grizzly bear.
Misrepresented data is thus embedded in the social mythos, becoming exponentially more difficult to correct as time goes on. Prehistoric Planet is many people’s first introduction to non-avian dinosaurs (et al.) as anything other than movie monsters. In fact, multiple segments throughout both seasons are in direct dialogue with Jurassic Park; there is no reason Velociraptor specifically should be as heavily featured as it is, except to counteract Jurassic Park’s pervasive misrepresentation. That Prehistoric Planet excludes birds from the category of dinosaurs will inevitably set back the entire genre. Just as Prehistoric Planet attempts to redress Velociraptor, the next production to cover this ground will be forced to redress Prehistoric Planet.
In an age of scientific illiteracy, the documentary is one of the most accessible formats for communicating the basic information necessary to understand the world around us. Those involved in the production of educational material have a responsibility to their audience and to their topic, and for all its many strengths, Prehistoric Planet fails to deliver.
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