#I refuse to explain myself actually

[spacelaserlulu]

#I refuse to explain myself actually #source? #me #fall out boy #get busy living or get busy dying #from under the cork tree #is to me what mama is to you #not to say that mama doesn’t go hard as fuck #but something about gblogbd is like nicotine to my non-binary ears #also I’ve idolized Pete wentz since I was like 11 so there’s that too

[swan--writes]

geralt will tolerate tenderness, but he bites when he's had enough

jaskier finds this adorable, because he has no sense of self preservation

#and several new teeth marks #i just #actually i don't have to explain myself to you #the witcher #the witcher netflix #twn #geralt #geralt of rivia #geralt x jaskier #geraskier #jaskier #jaskier the bard #is that a tag? #i refuse to tag jask by his full name #witcher headcanon #the witcher headcanon #cutagens

[pup-pee]

i drew this last yr & i have no idea whats happening

like ik theres words n stuff i just dont get y i drew it,,,also its drawn on tt so like wtf

pretty sure morishiges saying; "wait a few secs b4 u kill some1 else?!"

mori; "i want more pictures"

kiz; "no u homo, weve discussed this i need 2 keep killing or it messes up my sleep schedule"

THEN 4 SOME REASON "uve seen jjba yk how this goes" IDK WHAT THIS MEANS OR THE REFERENCE IM MAKING

anyways heres kizashige shit from 2022

#most of my copa art is traditional but kizashige nade it 2 ms paint #2 cheers 4 them ig #srry about the oocness ig #just b glad im not posting the mpreg meme #no srs tho im not funny y was this is this my humor sometimes bc hsgacbnnnnn gggggggv ugh #i should digitalize more copa art 2 redeem myself idk #seiko r u ready 2 b butchering? #also sachiko #bc little murderer #also drawing her + kiz 2gether is entertaining #what we all have our hobbies #i just horde all of my copa art blehhhh #i am NOT fucking tagging fhis w/actual tags nuh uh #if any1s followed me 4 my 2 copa posts this is ur treat ig #more like a punishment but hey u followed from medicore posts in the 1st place #im rambling again #im tired if u cant tell #time 2 pick up copa again & watch seiko die 30 times bc i keep 4gettinf how 2 get past the 1st lvl & i refuse 2 look up a guide #/j pls #ik how 2 do it just dont make me explain

[mewtwo24]

You know reading vol 5 of mdzs before all the rest (don't ask me why I'm a clown and there were Circumstances) has to be the craziest experience of my life. Because it took all of ten minutes of wwx talking to literally hit me so hard in the gut I had to sit down and listen to really loud music for a while to calm down.

Who needs therapy when mxtx is alive and writing, I guess????? 🤡

Can't wait to get to the actual tragic parts I just know I'm gonna be that "help" frog phone meme

#mdzs #i was really out here thinking svsss would be my fave bc of lbh #and then i finally get around to reading mdzs and it blows my expectations out of the fucking water holy actual shit #and i just had this feeling the first time i read parts of it like 'oh. this series is going to kill me. im not coming back from this.' #and here i am booboo the fool getting my clown ass make-up on #idk how to explain it like i just fucking LOVE mxtx's takes on arrogance #that wwx is constantly being perceived as a show off and an incorrigible flirt and a know it all #how wwx cant always help the ways he acts out the desperation that has embedded itself into his very bones #how wwx only ever wanted to do the right thing and that having been so much of his downfall #how his worth and talent would always be eclipsed by virtue of his circumstances #how he's above needing recognition at his core but at the same time longs for an ounce of good will and positive recognition -> #how human he is despite his brilliance. how he never gets it no matter how hard he tries to be worthy. #like to me wwx is emblematic of what it means to be poor/an immigrant in high places #always villified always alien always wrong always unwelcome #no matter how clever or capable or kind youll always be an eyesore because you don't 'act right'. not 'one of them.' you never will be. #i just...the way he just wanted it all to be over by the end. the way he didnt even want to come back to life. that he was sick of it all. #im rattling the bars of my cage i love him I LOVE HIM i love him #i understand you lan wangji (and i love lwj too) #and even lan wangji too like. the way so many of their issues in the beginning stems from that self-same problem #how lwj couldn't live with his out of control feelings how he too couldn't quite lay down his pride #how lwj was also trapped by the expectations of his clan in his own way how so much of their separation was a form of penance #that the calamity of wwx's loss forced him to reconsider everything he thought he knew about himself and his life #how he was left with nothing but regret. how when wwx returns--lwj refuses to leave anything to chance this time #he refuses to let wwx be alone anymore--refuses to let him hurt himself for the sake of others refuses to just let it all happen #even if it means overstepping a boundary or propriety it doesn't matter--as long as wwx stays with him. pride be damned #god i just can't i just can't do it im biting im ripping things apart GOD #will also say the jokes about lwj being like. 'strict moral compass or BUST.' and then wwx literally committing like 17 felonies in the bg #while lwj is like 'crimes? what crimes. nothing to see here.' NEVER stops being funny. like i was pissing myself laughing #i know its a known trope but by god are they hilarious about it #also. lan qiren how many times do your nephews have to go catatonic for you to stop with the catholic guilt and repression

[median-culture-is]

Median culture is wanting to come out to your bf who is accepting of systems but didn't think you were a system when he found out you were questioning :(

.

#Putting my feelings in the tags so it's easier to ignore if you don't want my opinion but that feels really shitty just “hey i think i #might be a system“ ”no you don't seem like one“ pardon? no matter how long you have been together he does not know your brain and life #experiences as well as you do and plurality is meant to be hard to detect and unless he had been looking for signs he most likely would have #missed any sign you were plural because a lot of traits people will just shrug off especially if they are unfamiliar with plurality it #feels like telling a parent you are queer in some capacity and they just say no they would have noticed or you never seemed queer like they #cant accept they just ignored the signs or didn't notice something about you #you can definitely try to talk to him about your plurality but go in prepared for him to react like a parent in denial of a queer kid and #explain to him that refusal to accept or even consider your lived experiences when you know yourself better than he does is shitty #if he doesn't get better even if it hurts it might be best to just dump him when we came out as a system we lost several friendships for #being endo but it feels better now than keeping that part of myself hidden because of fear #actually median #actually plural #actuallymedian #median system #median culture #plural system #actuallyplural #median culture is #median #plural

[biromanticbookbabe]

Wow. Sometimes I'm very lucky and my bipolar doesn't always affect me much. But no such luck lately. I'm worried that I might have to retake my modern lit course because I was so late with many of my assignments. I've been mentally messed up more or less with a mixed mood episode since last September. I'm currently on the line of passing and not passing the class (granted there are a few ungraded assignments, including my final so it's still possible that I'm overreacting). I'm usually a good student too so it's a point of pride for me. I went from the honor roll to this all due to me fighting with an illness... :/ (It is my fault for not managing things better so I'm not looking for pity here- just talking).

I cannot imagine how horrible this disorder is for people who didn't have the option of medication (I am medicated, believe it or not). I think about that about that a lot since I study history and look into many writer's and artist's biographies in my spare time. I feel very bad for them since they basically had to live with this disorder without the fixes I have simply because I was born late enough for treatments to exist.

Virginia Woolf and Sylvia Plath both haunt me. Other people too. Yes, Lord Byron was extremely shocking but consider- we don't actually know what he would have been like if he could have been treated. He wouldn't have died at 36, I'm almost certain of that. I am highly aware of what this disorder has done to people before me. It doesn't make it better. But I keep looking back any way, to see that many of them did incredible things, in spite of it all.

I just keep thinking that if they could do so much without any treatment- that I should be able to function with treatment??? I know: don't compare yourself to other people but I'm desperate to know that I can be successful even with this illness. That it's not going to force me to leave school (the one thing I have been historically good at) and waste my life toiling away for nothing.

So if it seems as if I have been hitting my head against something lately, you aren't wrong. The fall is not generally my friend, pretty as the leaves are. I have not been having a good time of it but we must go on any way because what other option is there? None, I tell you.

#leaves pretty brain shitty has been my fall for the last few years since 2018 at least... #consistently fall has been bad for my cycle though I like that time of year normally #granted a lot of things kept happening every fall since 2018 too #bipolar disorder #actually bipolar #I probably am a closet perfectionist in some cases #I am exhausted thanks for asking! #and yes for a few semesters I was an honor roll student in my grad school- not any more though LOL #seriously I'm going into debt for this degree and uh that promise to waive our debt never came to light so I'm very fucked rn #I have to finish this degree so I can work off my debt and build a good reputation for myself #I'm honestly afraid my illness might take away my ability to have a career at all; I'm desperate for a living wage! #it's not good #but this could be anxiety talking tbh #for real I'm amazed that like Virginia Woolf and others were able to do as much as they did in their lives #because without my medication I'd probably be useless??? Mania is not fun 10/10 would NOT suggest #I actually pity Lord Byron after reading his biography; he just seems like if mania was a person and um it explains his behavior completely #do you ever look back at other peoples' lives and see pieces of yourself in them and then feel really bad for them? cuz I do all the time #mychatter #I'm stubborn in that I refuse to quit school since I am aware that my family needs to know I can do this #please don't take this personally this is my problem and a pointless rant probably

[nyanspirals]

hm for the record i am still very much a communist and still very much support countries like the old USSR and the DPRK and i am 100% against NATO in 100% of the cases because NATO is nothing but a tool of imperialism that is always working for its own self interest no exceptions, no matter what that might mean for innocent civilians caught up in the crossfire. but like you CAN be against something while also being against what theyre against yk. idk where this idea that im a russia supporter comes from lol ive never said anything of the sorts. being willingly provoked into retaliation by NATO doesnt make russia a good guy it just makes NATO a bad guy who was working out of self interest

#neon.txt #i dont bother to make posts about my political views because its impossible to discuss with people who refuse to debate out of good faith #like no matter what i say the moment they hear 'the USSR was not evil actually' all liberals will understand is #'communism is flawless and i love putin and stalin did nothing wrong ever and there were no mistakes in the old USSR' #its just 🤷‍♂️ pointless. ive gotten facts wrong in the past thats for sure but like everytime i end up correcting myself in the end #but people never wanna bring up those cases 🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️🤷‍♂️ #im saying this because grape asked me to explain myself and i think its a fair request 🫶 #TLDR modern russia very bad NATO bad as well #USSR was not flawless obviously but half of what you know of it is propaganda or things extremely lacking in context #i am always willing to debate these things but i ignore and block anybody who wants to debate out of bad faith #i am a communist. and i look up to real communist experiences for guidance and inspiration. both for their flaws AND their hits. #because there is absolutely no point to being a communist or being against capitalism if you arent willing to actually Do something about it #and Doing Something means there will be mistakes eventually. as is discussing politics. as much as i wish that was the case i cant #get my facts right 100% of the time lol sorry about that but like i am ALWAYS willing to listen to people who arent being bitches about it

[sloaaaa]

there Has to be a better education system than this

#splootspeaks #currently struggling in college rn teehee tangena #i seriously need to be more responsible and catch up w everyone else but it's just so hard #and i hate that i'm behind not because i can't understand the topics (like yea some need a bit more explaining but i get the gist) but bc #i just can't get myself to give a shit #as soon as something becomes uninteresting my brain just shuts off and refuses to absorb any more information and it's so fucking frustratin #nakakainis na feeling ko ambobo ko #i hate being so fucken lazy against my will 💥💥💥 #i don't want to be here amymore #i hate that college tuition cOSTS SO MUCH #it sucks so bad that i'm stuck here bc i have a scholarship that i'll have to pay back big money for if i don't finish the contracy #i wish i had more time for personal art and time to learn things that i'm actually genuinely interested in #and not just things adjacent to my interest #ugh. anyway #trying real hard not to drop out of college. again.

[diapause]

obviously I logically understand why but I hate when homeless people asking for money have to lie about xyz illnesses, cancers etc that they have.

like ma'am I can tell you are an addict and I am still okay to give you some change because everyone has to eat to live. and if you spend that on something else that is your decision not mine. withdrawal can kill people too obviously and these are people that obviously are unable to access services to detox safely so like ... what is the issue.

why does this woman have to tell some extreme exaggerated story about having 4 types of stage 4 cancer and 2 past heart attacks and paraplegia (whilst walking) just to get a stranger to hand her £6 from his pocket ???

#just upset at the state of things #that people aren't just sympathetic to addicts and have to be told some even worse sob story to help them #also ik paraplegia doesn't always stop people from walking completely. #I myself have actually finally had some nerve damage discovered in my left leg that has been adding to my walking problems my entire life #apparently due to either a hip of pelvic injury as a child that was not seen by professionals #I have an x ray booked. it explains a lot honestly because my left knee and ankle just refuse to work a lot of the time #so maybe I can get a custom kafo or smth now. who knows #anyway got totally sidetracked there. ik oaralysed ppl can walk but I don't think this woman had any issue she claimed. #she was just an addict and that shouldn't put people off.

[oranberrie]

Ah the autistic experience of randomly remembering a situation from your childhood and realizing things

#i asked a teacher once if I could go Over the needed word count and she said something mean in return in front of the class #i used to write essays for fun and I remember that I liked the topic and I definitely wanted to infodump in the essay #i attempted to stay calm and realized I was going to really start crying and excused myself to the bathroom #where a really kind upperclassman immediately noticed my distress and hugged me and helped me calm down #or how about. the first time someone gave me a hug I actually enjoyed. and it was because he hugged me with really tight pressure #whereas all hugs I’d had previous were light and always left me uncomfortable from touching and having to lean over awkwardly #i always felt like i was about to fall over in hugs because I would try to return the favor of light touches and overbalanced myself usually #or how about. or how about. or how about. #so on and so forth. the autism was there at every moment of my life and no one noticed. even now unless I point out specifics #or spoon feed people tidbits of research I’ve done that upends their biases #people tend to immediately refuse to acknowledge or believe me. i don’t have the money for a diagnosis nor do I desire any of the #discrimination that comes from having a formal diagnosis. and the lack of one is almost always a point of contention when I explain things #hell I used to refuse to consider the idea myself because it felt like I was taking away from other peoples experiences #which was stupid because as the great High School Musical once said. We’re all in this together. #did Not help that I had an ex years ago who I did voice my theories to and got shut down rather harshly #idk just feeling nostalgic for the childhood I could have had in a perfect world. #a world where people were kind. a world with better healthcare. a world with better research studies to broaden understanding of diagnoses. #i want to go back in time on multiple trips and give my younger self tight squeezing hugs so often through my childhood that I would never #have had to think that hugs were supposed to be something you just tolerate

[spite-and-waffles]

Purely Pre52 rumination, but once you throw out all the fanon nonsense about Dick being a manslut, I'm wondering whether he even technically has any game of his own. Because all he's ever had to do was stand still long enough. 🤔

#i'm throwing out both Nightwing Annuals #the second one obviously should be taken behind the barn and shot #but the first one was also extremely weird #i refuse to believe Dick is a man who would con a possibly innocent and grieving woman into marriage #devin grayson explain yourself #actually no don't. historically it has made nothing clearer and everything worse #Dick is a serial monogamist with a redhead fixation #he's only slept with 4 women and two of them dumped him for being a Stage Three Clinger #that's hardly manwhoring. especially considering who raised him #and like Im not shaming because I personally approve of promiscuity but Bruce is a bigger dog than Titus #I think Dick only really pursued Babs #poor Dick. everybody thinks he's player but really these people just keep happening to him #meanwhile there's Slade off on the side pining like 'it's like I dont even exist to you' #the world's creepiest DILF since Ra's Al Ghul #...yeah I kinda hate myself for that one too #dick grayson #Nightwing #preboot #spite waffle

[poppyseed799]

Brother why are there so many roaches we have had TWO full exterminations and BOTH TIMES the roaches came back. The first time there were less of them for a week (still some) but the second time there was absolutely zero difference in the number of roaches even immediately after the extermination. Like man. What am I supposed to do about this

#they’re in all the appliances dawg how am I supposed to cook 😭 #and my sister is just like ‘just move out!!!’ brother WHERE #she is actually moving out on the shortest notice imaginable cuz she can’t deal with the roaches #going to our ex step fathers house cuz she already planned to move in there with her partner #but now she’s going there early cuz of the roaches #and like okay sure but WE can’t move in there. and yet she’s like ‘find a new place!’ brother we renewed the lease #and also do you know how the world works nowadays you can’t move anywhere it’s always more expensive 😭 #we’re like frogs in boiling water #I jumped ahead with that metaphor but I’m too lazy to backtrack to explain how I got there #anyways yknow the roach guys said the infestation was REALLY bad and they wanted to do a follow up #but idk when that follow up is cuz it’s been a month since the extermination and there has been 0 difference. as soon as we came back to the #apartment there were still roaches on the walls #like man what am I supposed to do they’re everywhere and it would be so hard to move out 😭 #vent #<- figure I’ll add that cuz like. that’s what this is. my life is just not great rn. constantly hungry too cuz we struggle with groceries #and I’m too scared to make myself some food cuz of the obscene amount of roaches. there was a roach in the dinner last night. then my mom #invited us to dinner at her place and refused to get us dinner. #said she wanted to hang out and didn’t talk to me so wtf #it’s just not going well. I posted happily about how I got those gifts but honestly I can’t even enjoy them because there’s too many roaches #like I don’t know where to put things so that roaches don’t get them. there’s no safe space.

[bearsgrove]

im really like a sponge sometimes huh

#river.txt #its only really been the past. year-ish? maybe less? #because before i was probably less in touch with my own emotions and definitely still had the habit of bottling shit up #and not to mention before that i was on this hardcore emotions/feelings diet lmao idk what else to call it #but i basically refused to acknowledge anything ever i was just straight up emotionless feelingless #but ever since therapy and opening up about stuff there and etc etc #i generally became more. sensitive to the inner workings of myself #And. the point of this post: to other people #so back to my sponge point #lately i really feel like a sponge because #i can be having an okay brain day and then one of my friends says they are upset or something happens or whatever #and im instantly feeling so fucking shit im all like oh ok nvm life bad actually life is so shit im so sad and/or angry #idk i cant explain it i just absord it so fast and it can instantly impact and change my own mood #like today i was in the mountains right. nice cozy autumnal time. felt chilled. #but then i was on the train back home and i started talking to a friend and we talked about all this. hmm. #shitty server stuff. just bad vibes. he is upset because of the same stuff as me too. we were both hurt by someone. etc #so we started discussing that but then it got more personal and he said how he is really not doing well and how hurt he is #and i just had a nice mountain time i was feeling ok but after this i was immediately just #so fucking down

[eremitical]

basically im the best feminist in the world because i didnt even look up once when the girl sitting in front of me (sleeveless) stretched her arms up

#i think i paint myself as way hornier for armpits than i actually am but i refuse to explain myself

[theorderofthetriad]

i'm loosing my shit over "regift." think you need to throw something away? have you considered pawning it off onto some other motherfucker instead?

#i mean actually giving away or donating is a good thing to consider when getting rid of something ''regift'' just isn't a great word for it #but like... i can't think of another R word for the concept #also imo ''rethink'' and ''refuse'' and ''reduce'' are redundant and while i LOVE ''refuse'' reduce did come first... #tho... actually the concept is covered by ''recycle'' already? donating or giving away is a form of recycling #ok i'm done arguing w/ myself about this i've come back round to thinking regift is silly and useless #7 R's is too much just make it Reduce Reuse Repair Recycle #does anyone remember the (i think bill nye) skit of a person dressed as ''the first R'' (of Reduce Reuse Recycle) being interviewed #like they were in a big red foam R that was like a mascot costume #and they were trying to explain what it meant to reduce to an interviewer who was not getting it #santagno

[keeps-ache]

trying to find some way to properly project what i'm trying to express by experimenting with emoticons like >:1

#just me hi #^ an actual expression i make while doing that #also this has a beat to it #can't explain #anyway i feel like going on a rant about something but i'm not sure what #it's building up though it's like a bottle of fermented Things #leave it in the heat for a bit and it will surely explode #also the way i write has been bleeding into the way i speak??? #i don't know why but i'm able to access more of my volcabulary when i'm actually talking now #might have been in exchange for being able to type w/o looking at the keyboard much though #c #o #s #t #:/ #hmnm #love if it was as easy to talk to other people as it is to myself #like hello this brain refuses to engage i apologize #oh yeah i- #oops lost the thought #now well i'm thinking of carousels #default thought for lost thoughts? i couldn't tell you why though #another defualt thought it just a large black square in a black space #odd things #what's your default thought? :o #curious