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all-hail-the-witcher · 4 years

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jaskier’s breakup album

alright full disclosure i probably went into way more detail than i needed to. but jaskiers a dramatic little shit and therefore so am i. but this album slowly became my baby and I've been listening to it for the last 2 weeks while I've been doing homework and its a good sad bop. these are just my opinions, but i think it would be cool to see what other people think (esp because im fairly new to this fandom). also this post is really long. sorry about that.

so. we all know jaskier is a bard. he traipses around writing songs about whatever fling he's having or about his witcher. netflix canon makes it pretty clear that geralt is one of jaskiers muses (and probably one of his more reliable ones given what we know about jaskiers dating history). jaskier is also very, very dramatic (as I'm sure everyone knows cause he's the damn comic relief that show desperately needs). in particular though the scene at the beginning of 1x05 where geralt is djinn hunting and jaskier stumbles upon him, drunk, singing off key, and rambles about how "the countess de stael, my muse and beauty of this world, has left me. again. rather coldly and unexpectedly, i might add. i fear i shall die a broken hearted man” and jaskier is clearly half muttering some sad attempt at a breakup song he's trying to write at the beginning of the episode so the question is, wouldn't he do the same thing post mountain scream down with geralt?

the answer is of course, yes he would because jaskier is nothing if not a dramatic little shit. and i am proposing that he writes not only one but an entire album (or set if this is canon era, but if this is canon i think he would keep a great many of these songs to himself, only playing a few select ones with the hopes that someday geralt will hear one and realize how badly he fucked up) of break songs and lamentations about geralt, because say all you want about what their relationship is, but one does not simply go traipsing around the entire continent with someone for 20 years and not grow close to them in some way shape or form (and the show makes it clear that geralt is at least one of jaskiers close friends so). now what is on this breakup album? well I'm glad you asked.

i peg jaskiers music (modern or canon honestly) for this album as being a combination of taylor swift’s folklore/evermore albums and james arthur and ill explain why.

taylor swifts folklore/evermore albums have this almost ethereal, floaty, reminiscent, indie vibes. there are many metaphors, recurring themes and its overall kinda dramatic at points which i feel is exactly what jaskier would be doing right now (it also just kinda gives me canon era vibes, idk). but james arthurs music is much more emotionally intense which i think is definitely in character for jaskier at this point because he strikes me as someone who copes with things through his music. both artists do the sings through story telling in an almost monologue manner which goes along with that kinda bardic music and all that. i also think that jaskier would want geralt to know that these songs are about him because hes dramatic like that (kinda like how taylor swift writes her stuff). anyway here's what i think would be on his breakup album:

heres a link to the playlist

1. the lakes - taylor swift 2. from me to you i hate everybody - james arthur 3. maybe - james arthur 4. sad eyes - james arthur 5. hoax - taylor swift 6. naked - james arthur 7. right where you left me - taylor swift 8. all too well - taylor swift 9. impossible - james arthur 10. exile - taylor swift 11. illicit affairs -taylor swift 12. safe inside - james arthur 13. quite miss home -james arthur 14. my tears ricochet -taylor swift 15. phoenix - james arthur 16. this is me trying - taylor swift 17. happiness - taylor swift 18. death by a thousand cuts - taylor swift 19. empty space - james arthur 20. coney island - taylor swift 21. new years day - taylor swift 22. the 1 -taylow swift

so theres 22 songs which im sure jaskier would do on purpose cause hes a dramatic little shit ( “one song for every year i wasted on you” or something of that sort). jaskier being a dramatic little shit is going to be a recurring theme. some of them work better for modern era than canon era but as a whole this can be interpreted as either romantic or platonic. anyway lets unpack.

1. the lakes by taylor swift (more canon era interpretation)

this song is the bonus and final track off of folklore. the song is actually about how she wants to go live in seclusion with her boyfriend out of the public eye but that is not what it means in this interpretation. i think that this song is about how jaskier feels as though his career as a bard is tainted now because he spent so many years singing geralts praises and there is no way he will be able to escape that part of his life because undoubtedly hes going to get requests for toss a coin and others he wrote about geralt and people will probably know him as “the witchers bard”. so this song is him talking about how he wants to run away and live out his life in seclusion because geralt took from him one of the only happinesses in his life.

Take me to the lakes, where all the poets went to die I don't belong, and my beloved, neither do you Those Windermere peaks look like a perfect place to cry I'm settin' off, but not without my muse

the line “i dont belong and my beloved neither do you” references the fact that jaskier feels like an outcast now that he’s spent years traveling around with a witcher, notoriously outcasts from society, so he feels that he doesnt belong anymore either.

I want auroras and sad prose I want to watch wisteria grow Right over my bare feet 'Cause I haven't moved in years And I want you right here

the second stanza references his idealization of living out his life in solitude, with nature, where no one can judge him (and geralt cant yell at him).

jasper would have started this album with that song because it states his intentions: he feels as though he’s done with singing. it could also refer to him leaving the public eye (in modern era) to write this album.

2. from me to you i hate everybody by james arthur (more canon era interpretation)

songs 2-4 on jaskiers album are ones that he wrote at various points while he and geralt were still together/best friends/etc. these three songs establish what the relationship was like before everything went downhill, but they are kind of melancholy, like looking back on a past love (which is what jaskier is doing). this one jaskier wrote about when they met. geralt would have heard him play it before and he would have known that this song was about him (he probably also secretly liked it and jaskier putting it on his album would have been like a slap in the face because it wasn't one that he had shared with other people, thinking it to be too personal). if this album had been released in modern era, jaskier would have released this song as a single to get geralts attention. he would have definitely wanted geralt to know that this album was about him.

I used to come here on my own and drink So I didn't have to think or hear the whispering I stand with people telling lies again In suits and ties again and I just need a friend

they meet in the tavern and its clear that jaskier is Not having a good time and really just needs a friend, hence why he decides to go talk to geralt.

You walked into the room and cut the atmosphere like a knife, alright Sobering mind 'cause up to now, I've just been wasting my time, ooh yeah

the “wasting my time” part is of particular interest because it clearly articulates that jaskier feels as though adventuring around with geralt was the best part of his life and before that he'd just been a bard with debatable songs. the song as a whole makes it sound like geralt was jaskiers lifeline.

3. maybe by james arthur (modern or canon era works)

this song, while geralt would know immediately it was about him, was not one jaskier ever shared with geralt. it would have been written a few years after he and geralt had met initially. the reason that jaskier never shared it was because it talks about destiny and geralt made it Very Clear that he does not want to fuck with destiny.

I don't know what's going on Where you came from and why you took so long All I know is that I feel it Like it's the realest thing, I mean it Something changed when I saw you Oh, my eyes can't lie You said, "They're so damn blue And I love how you're so forward Is it too soon to say I'm falling?"

this would have been what young jaskier felt over the course of a few years after traveling around (or befriending if this is modern). There was probably a slip up somewhere, or jaskier just thought that he got really good at interpreting geralts grunts and the line about the eyes is what he hoped/imagined/thought geralt was saying to him in return.

So maybe Maybe we were always meant to meet Like this was somehow destiny Like you already know Your heart will never be broken by me So is it crazy For you to tell your friends to go on home? So we can be here all alone Fall in love tonight And spend the rest of our lives as one

jaskier probably thinks that destiny is some wildly romantic thing hence why he compares them meeting to destiny. the line about heart break would have also hit especially hard after the mountain scene. also i think its pretty clear that jaskier wants to spend as much of his life traipsing around with geralt in the show (modern era wouldn't have been any different), hence wanting to spend the rest of his life with geralt.

Oh, is it too crazy For you to tell your brothers about me? They told me they'll protect you But I'll look them in the eye Tell them you and I will be as one

this is the part that sells it for me. i think that geralt lambert and eskel would all be very close (admittedly i havent read the books but i kinda get that vibe from the fandom so). this part about geralt telling his bothers about jaskier and then jaskier probably meeting them would have been an Important Moment.

4. sad eyes by james arthur (modern or canon works)

aright so im not sure if geralt has heard this one before. i can see it going both ways. its a possibility that jaskier wrote it at some point and then would kinda sing it softly when hes patching geralt up after a particularly rough hunt so its one of those where like geralts not quite sure what the song is but then he hears it on this album (cause say this was modern era and jaskier actually did release this album geralt would totally buy it after a few weeks and then realize how badly he'd actually fucked up) and is like shit thats what he was singing all along?? but anyway this one is essentially about how jaskier thinks geralt puts too much pressure on himself and all that stuff

You wear the burden World on your shoulders, babe So let me hold the weight I know you're hurting Deep as the coldest pain But this is the order sayin'

essentially jaskier can see through geralts bs and hes calling him out on it and wants him to just take care of himself for once (see: the scene in 1x05 when geralt says he cant sleep)

5. hoax by taylor swift (canon or modern works)

so this song begins the plethora of break up songs that jaskier wrote about geralt. this one would have been written some time after the incident, after jaskier has some time to reflect on the whole thing. i know that taylor wrote this song about enduring a toxic relationship, which kind of works if you think about the way that geralts treated jaskier and how jaskier interpreted it (but im not implying that their relationship was toxic or abusive or anything)

My best laid plan Your sleight of hand My barren land I am ash from your fire

jaskiers plan was to reinvent geralts image and geralt did not think that it was worth it. jaskier is just sorta his side kick (who gets him into trouble, as geralt points out) and geralt kicks him aside like he doesnt mean anything to him (like ash from a fire

Stood on the cliffside Screaming "Give me a reason" Your faithless love's the only hoax I believe in Don't want no other shade of blue But you No other sadness in the world would do

this is a little more literal with the screaming on the cliffside. jaskier wanted a reason to stay and geralt didnt want him to. jaskier knows that witchers dont feel emotions (or at least not like humans do) so hes been tricking himself into believing that geralt actually liked having him around, knowing that it was probably going to blow up in his face at some point. but he doesnt quite regret it, and doesnt want to be sad over anyone else.

6. naked by james arthur (modern or canon works)

this kind of goes along with hoax, jaskier probably wrote them around the same time. he’s admitting in this song that he would be willing to try to work it out with geralt, but geralt needs to change first (needs to actually communicate and let him in and all that stuff).

'Cause here I am, I'm givin' all I can But all you ever do is mess it up Yeah, I'm right here, I'm tryin' to make it clear That getting half of you just ain't enough

hes quoting geralts words back at him here ( “all you ever do is mess it up” is pretty similar to the line about shoveling shit), saying that all hes ever tried to do is be good and kind to geralt, but geralt hasn't really done the same in return and while jaskier may have dragged him into some things, geralt also needs to take responsibility for what hes done as well.

7. right where you left me (modern or canon works)

this starts the Real Sad Boy Hours songs. this would refer to how he felt pretty much right after, not knowing what to do because geralt had been so much a part of his life for so long:

Help, I'm still at the restaurant Still sitting in a corner I haunt Cross-legged in the dim light They say, "What a sad sight" I, I swear you could hear a hair pin drop Right when I felt the moment stop Glass shattered on the white cloth Everybody moved on, I, I stayed there Dust collected on my pinned-up hair They expected me to find somewhere Some perspective, but I sat and stared

this is kind of the processing of the event. and also the moment on the album where the audience would realize that this relationship that he's been telling about until now definitely ended. this song isn't super super emotional, its more a jumble of thoughts cause he didnt know what to feel after the breakup happened. although he didnt write it right after the break up, it was written much after as a looking back.

8. all too well by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

(the link to this one is from a live performance because i like the emotion in this one better) so this song is not off of folklore (its off of red) but its such a powerful, painful breakup song that i had to include it in the lineup because it seems like something that jaskier would have written very very soon after the incident. the memories especially that she touches on in the song (driving upstate, dancing in the fridge light, looking at the photo album, etc) are all very powerful and real and i can see jaskier doing the same thing. again, if this were modern era i think that he might release this one as a single. theres so much to unpack in this song, this ones gonna be a little longer oops.

Maybe we got lost in translation, maybe I asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up Running scared, I was there, I remember it all too well

this clearly references the mountain scene. they were a pretty good duo until geralt blamed him for all his problems. and jaskier was effectively stuck on the top of a very dangerous mountain that he would have had to navigate down by himself.

Time won't fly, it's like I'm paralyzed by it I'd like to be my old self again, but I'm still trying to find it After plaid shirt days and nights when you made me your own Now you mail back my things and I walk home alone

jaskier spent half of his life following geralt around, its likely that he doesnt know what to do with himself or his life now that he doesnt have geralt to follow around on adventures. he doesnt know what to do anymore (see the first song).

But you keep my old scarf from that very first week 'Cause it reminds you of innocence and it smells like me You can't get rid of it, 'cause you remember it all too well, yeah

this is more of a hope that jaskier has. he hopes that geralts held onto something of his that he left behind. maybe he left a shirt in one of roaches saddle bags (canon) or a notebook in their apartment (modern) that geralt just cant seem to get rid of. he would like to think that he had an impact on geralts life and that it wasn't just all for nothing. in the beginning, he wants geralt to be just as hurt as he is.

'Cause there we are again, when I loved you so Back before you lost the one real thing you've ever known It was rare, I was there, I remember it all too well

this is a dig at geralt. he'd never had someone to follow him around on adventures before, much less a human. as far as we know it seems like jaskiers the first human that has even given him the time of day. this is jaskiers way of throwing it back in geralts face

9. impossible by james arthur (canon or modern works)

this would have also been written very soon after the incident. it is more jaskier being mad at himself for not seeing the signs than him being mad at geralt. it is almost like his admittance of the event and like hes finally accepting what happened.

I remember years ago Someone told me I should take Caution when it comes to love, I did And you were strong and I was not My illusion, my mistake I was careless, I forgot, I did

jaskier is someone who clearly falls in love (or at least screws around with people) easily so its likely that someone would have given him some advice along these lines once. but when he met geralt its likely that this caution went to the wind.

When all is done, there is nothing to say And if you're done with embarrassing me On your own you can go ahead, tell them

Tell them all I know now Shout it from the rooftops Write it on the skyline All we had is gone now Tell them I was happy And my heart is broken All my scars are open Tell them what I hoped would be impossible

this hints at the first song on the album. jaskier has no stomach for singing for audiences asking to hear about the adventures of geralt of rivia. this is his way of telling geralt that, almost as his punishment, he should have to deal with the people who ask why hes not traveling with his bard anymore, because jaskier has no intention of doing so. this is pretty brutal because (as we know) geralt doesnt really enjoy talking about feelings, or talking at all in general.

10. exile by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

this is a fictitious conversation that jaskier wrote as occurring between him and geralt. it can be looked at either way but i think it makes more sense if bon iver is jaskier and taylor is geralt.

I think I've seen this film before And I didn't like the ending You're not my homeland anymore So what am I defendin' now? You were my town Now I'm in exile seein' you out I think I've seen this film before

this first chorus is from jaskiers perspective. note the use of “homeland,” as home becomes a theme on jaskiers album. in geralts version of the chorus the line instead is “youre not my problem anymore” which is probably what jaskier took the whole mountain thing to mean.

All this time We always walked a very thin line You didn't even hear me out (you didn't even hear me out) You never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs) All this time I never learned to read your mind (never learned to read my mind) I couldn't turn things around (you never turned things around) 'Cause you never gave a warning sign (I gave so many signs)

(the () in this are geralt) this is jaskiers lamentations about how he didnt notice geralts abject discomfort in their relationship and also his regrets in not being able to remedy the situation.

11. illicit affairs by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

so this song is clearly and obviously about an affair. however, i have seen interpretations of the song where people view it as being in a relationship that is so intense and well hidden that in a sense it is almost like an affair, like in the aftermath you’re not even sure if it was real or you deemed it because there isnt really a trace of this other person anymore, and that is the way i think jaskier would have written this song.

And you wanna scream Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this godforsaken mess that you made me You showed me colors you know I can't see with anyone else

the dont call me kid, dont call me baby part would reference jaskiers humanity, he has a normal human lifespan at least in canon (very much unlike geralt) so geralt might brush him off as being young and stupid. jaskier would have made this album to show geralt that hes not being young and stupid, that this did screw him up, and hes suffering cause of it. kind of like a reality check or a slap in the face.

Don't call me kid Don't call me baby Look at this idiotic fool that you made me You taught me a secret language I can't speak with anyone else And you know damn well For you I would ruin myself A million little times

the secret language would of course refer to geralt himself. hes a hard man to understand (especially cause half his vocabulary is grunts) and hes also a witcher. so jasper had to learn to understand him and now he has no use for that anymore. and the ending line about ruining myself. that would be jaskiers admittance that he would do it again, he'd do it all again, which comes back up in later songs.

12. safe inside by james arthur (canon era interpretation)

this is one that jaskier would have written maybe a week or so after the incident. the song itself deals with distance and coping with not being in someones life anymore, and i think that that is something that jaskier would struggle to cope with because hes not sure he wants geralt to be alone. this song is more for jaskier than for geralt.

Everyone has to find their own way And I'm sure things will work out okay I wish that was the truth All we know is the sun will rise Thank your lucky stars that you're alive It's a beautiful life

obviously geralt can take care of himself, but its kinda clear that he doesnt much like his life as a witcher (the part where he talks about them getting slow and killed). so this is kind of jaskiers way of almost reminding geralt that his life on the path is still beautiful and important now that he back by himself.

Oh, will you call me to tell me you're alright? 'Cause I worry about you the whole night Don't repeat my mistakes, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside If you're home I just hope that you're sober Is it time to let go now you're older? Don't leave me this way, I won't sleep 'til you're safe inside

this is more jaskier worrying about geralt being by himself. he hopes that hes okay in the aftermath of this this and that hes taking care of himself still. because of course jaskier would write a whole breakup album but still write one song about how he hopes the person is doing well.

13. quite miss home by james arthur (modern era interpretation)

this song. oh my god. its so amazing. if you dont listen to any of these, at least listen to this one (actually im pretty sure no ones read to this point so if you have thanks). this song is kind of more along the same vein as the previous one, how jaskier misses geralt but its more for him than geralt. he would have probably written it at like 3am in a fit of tears and weakness, and debated long and hard about whether or not to put it on the album, but done it anyway because what does he have to lose? theres a lot to unpack here tho so this is going to be a longer one. (sorry)

I'm in the kitchen while you smoke outside You're careful not to let the smoke inside I always tell you it's poison But I know it helps you take the edge off the day We get a drink before it's closing time The one on high street with the blinking sign All these memories feel poignant I won't be there to see the snow melt away

this is a very very clear picture of an event that seems to have happened a great many times, so much so that it seems like second nature. its like a little glimpse into what their life was before this incident. its intimate, but it still is melancholy.

Whoa I'm in another city I got nobody with me And it just really hit me

this is where jaskier is now, it provides some opposition. its like a culture shock almost, like hes so used to this intimate lifestyle with another person that its jarring to be by himself.

That I quite miss home And I miss you telling me To leave my shoes at the door 'Cause you just swept the floor And the dirt drives you crazy Yeah, I quite miss home 'Cause it feels like poetry When the rain falls down on the window While you're in my arms And we're watching the TV Yeah, I quite miss home

the key here is what jaskier is referring to as “home.” it's not the place, its geralt himself. all these memories center around him, not an establishment. (calling geralt “home” comes back in later songs.) again, this mosh of memories is like theres so many of them that its almost overwhelming but its stemming from jaskiers need to feel something other than lonely and hes craving this reality that hes lost.

14. my tears ricochet by taylor swift (modern or canon era works)

this is a song that really emphasizes jaskiers dramatic little shit tendencies. this is something that he wrote, trying to predict what geralts reaction would be if he found out that jaskier died. this is really just jaskier fantasizing that geralt didnt actually mean any of what he said and does still care about him. theres many lines in here that are jabs at geralt (if I'm dead to you why are you at the wake? and Even on my worst day Did I deserve, babe All the hell you gave me?), but i think this is the most important one:

And I can go anywhere I want Anywhere I want Just not home And you can aim for my heart, go for blood But you would still miss me in your bones And I still talk to you When I'm screaming at the sky And when you can't sleep at night You hear my stolen lullabies

this is again, jaskier referring to geralt as home. as seen in the last song, he clearly wants to go there, but he cant. this could also refer to where he grew up, which he cant go to either because his parents still view him as a disappointment (as seen in finally). jaskier saying he still talks to geralt is completely in character, he probably still curses him and the whole thing. but the part about geralt not being able to sleep at night and hearing his stolen lullabies is really hard hitting. jaskier likes to think that geralt wouldn't be able to sleep without his banter or his lute playing or something of that nature. over all its a very powerful song.

15. phoenix by james arthur (modern or canon works)

this is a fictitious apology that jaskier wrote from geralts pov, kind of what he wished that geralt would say, but knows that he won't.

Let me, let me begin Let me begin, with an I.O.U Who I owe everything to Lately, lately my friend Lately, you think I'm ignoring you But I've been trying to pull through All of the pain, I know you're looking down, down on me I could have been someone I hurt everyone Pushed away everyone who got near

in this “geralt” outlines what he did wrong, and that he didnt mea what he said at all. again, this is more for jaskiers benefit because he knows that even if geralt were to apologize to him, it wouldn't be to this extent.

16. this is me trying by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is jaskier trying to articulate the fact that hes trying to pick himself back up after everything, his way of showing his “healing process” and that he can do it, he doesnt need geralt (as the song shows, its not going very well)

And it's hard to be at a party When I feel like an open wound It's hard to be anywhere these days When all I want is you You're a flashback in a film reel On the one screen in my town And I just wanted you to know That this is me trying (maybe I don't quite know what to say) I just wanted you to know That this is me trying

its showing that jaskier is having trouble enjoying things that he once did (like parties) because hes still so distraught over what happened with geralt, but at the same time he also wants to show geralt that he doesnt need him. it has a very i dont care kind of attitude, but jaskier at the same time is having a hard time showing geralt that hes doing okay, hence the “maybe i dont quite know what to say” which is out of character for the very talkative bard

17. happiness by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is more him convincing himself that things will be okay. he's clearly trying at this point to move on, but its proving difficult because geralt was his happiness for so long:

There'll be happiness after you But there was happiness because of you Both of these things can be true There is happiness

he also repeats the line “havent me the new me yet” a few times, which i think is again him trying to convince himself that its going to get better and he will move on from it. but this line is the one that i think hurts the most:

No one teaches you what to do When a good man hurts you And you know you hurt him too

this implies that 1. he still thinks geralts a good man (not a monster) and 2. that he knows he hurt him to and doesn't know how to fix either of them. this is also kind of him giving up on how to fix it, but him recognizing they were both at fault is important for the arc of the story.

18. death by a thousand cuts by taylor swift (modern or canon works)

this is another song that is not off of folklore (its from lover), but i wanted to include it because it think it has a little bit of anger to it (especially in this live acoustic version that i linked) which i think that jaskier would feel a few weeks post incident in a fit of rage, like why am i still feeling this way? why did you think that this was okay?? and its right after happiness, which shows that his healing really isn't linear. there's many lines in this song that pertain to geralt and jaskier and i could talk about the whole thing but im not going to

But if the story's over, why am I still writing pages?

this i think is very jaskier. its so raw and like, i know this is over, why am i still writing about it? why am i making an album about this? why should this still matter to me? its very angry and again, like many of the songs, like a slap.

My heart, my hips, my body, my love Tryna find a part of me that you didn't touch Gave up on me like I was a bad drug Now I'm searching for signs in a haunted club Our songs, our films, united, we stand Our country, guess it was a lawless land Quiet my fears with the touch of your hand Paper cut stings from our paper-thin plans My time, my wine, my spirit, my trust Tryna find a part of me you didn't take up Gave you so much, but it wasn't enough But I'll be alright, it's just a thousand cuts

this part, especially if you listen to her sing it, (which i would HIGHLY RECOMMEND BTW) is very passive aggressive and the the last line is like quite sarcastic and downplays it, like, yes you put me through all of this, but i guess its *just* a thousand cuts. this really shows that in many ways geralt was a part of jaskiers life, and his sudden removal from it would have stung in many ways, and thats not something that you can get over quickly.

19. empty space by james arthur (modern or canon era works)

this song starts the beginning of jaskier getting over geralt. these last 4 songs would have been written much after the incident, after hes had time to think, but there's still this nagging in the back of his head thats like, well what if im being stupid and he is the one and im supposed to go back?

I don't see you You're not in every window I look through And I don't miss you You're not in every single thing I do I don't think we're meant to be And you are not the missing piece I won't hear it Whenever anybody says your name And I won't feel it Even when I'm burstin' into flames I don't regret the day I left I don't believe that I was blessed I'm probably lyin' to myself again

this is more what jaskier wants to be, not what he actually is. he thinks that hes over geralt, but hes not (the chorus gets into it more but im not going to talk about it here, but it essentially says “only you can fill this empty space”) clearly jaskier is further along in his healing process, but hes still having second thoughts. he wants to be over him, but he knows hes lying to himself, very deep down.

20. coney island by taylor swift (more modern era interpretation)

this is the true moving on song. it’s still laced with memories and speculation, but it puts clear distance between the two of them, much more so than empty space does because it lacks the longing. it just shows things for what they are.

And I'm sitting on a bench in Coney Island Wondering where did my baby go? The fast times, the bright lights, the merry go Sorry for not making you my centerfold

its apologetic, but nothing more than that. it dwells more on what could have been rather than what he wants it to still be.

The question pounds my head What's a lifetime of achievement If I pushed you to the edge? But you were too polite to leave me And do you miss the rogue Who coaxed you into paradise and left you there? Will you forgive my soul When you're too wise to trust me and too old to care?

this is interesting because it addresses their immortality and how they've been together for years and also the way in which they left things (paradise). but it also implies that things were on the downfall. and the last two lines about forgiveness is interesting because it then calls geralt “too wise to trust me and too old to care” meaning its more a wish of jaskiers rather than something he knows geralt will do.

Were you waiting at our old spot In the tree line By the gold clock Did I leave you hanging every single day? Were you standing in the hallway With a big cake, happy birthday Did I paint your bluest skies the darkest grey? A universe away And when I got into the accident The sight that flashed before me was your face But when I walked up to the podium, I think that I forgot to say your name

these are all very specific, very intimate moments that would clearly mean something to geralt. and it further implies that jaskier is uncertain if he actually made geralt feel appreciated when they were together. but again, its more what could have been rather than what jaskier wanted it to be, which is a nice segway into the last two songs.

21. new years day by taylor swift (modern era interpretation)

this is another one not from folklore, this song is the closing track on reputation, but i like the nostalgia of it so i decided to include it (and it also has good parallels to the last song). initially jaskier intended for this to be the last song on the album, but decided to add another one last minute (and we will get into why). this song is more jaskiers muted longing to still be with geralt, albeit in the far future.

There's glitter on the floor after the party Girls carrying their shoes down in the lobby Candle wax and Polaroids on the hardwood floor You and me from the night before but Don't read the last page But I stay when you're lost and I'm scared and you're turning away I want your midnights But I'll be cleaning up bottles with you on New Year's Day

this interpretation is very much like the actual songs interpretation: the desire to stay with someone through the unexciting parts of life, like cleaning up after a party on new years day. additionally, wanting to start something new with someone (being there with them past the midnight kiss and actually starting the first day of the year with them). additionally though, there is the line of “dont read the last page” which refers to the last song on the album, which we will get to.

Hold on to the memories, they will hold on to you And I will hold on to you Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere

this is more jaskiers reality. hes torn between holding onto these memories and hopes and actually facing reality. he wants to hold on to geralt, but he also kinda wants to move on. and the last line about the laugh, thats more jaskiers own hope, he hopes that he will come across geralt again and things will work themselves out.

22. the 1 by taylor swift (modern era interpretation)

the decision to make this song the last one on the album was a very last minute decision, and it was written significantly after the rest of the songs. the reason for this was without this last song, the album ends on a note of hope “Please don't ever become a stranger whose laugh I could recognize anywhere” but this last song is more of a reality check and acknowledgment that what's done is done and that it will never be again.

I'm doing good, I'm on some new shit Been saying "Yes" instead of "No" I thought I saw you at the bus stop, I didn't though

this refers to the fact that its been some time since the whole thing and jaskiers kind of changed a little bit. he claims hes doing good, and maybe is going to try out a new career (since the first song references wanting to put music down for awhile). seeing geralt at the bus stop is a reference to cardigan where he says “chasing shadows in the grocery line” where hes not actively looking for geralt anymore and it doesnt upset him that he didnt see him.

I guess you never know, never know And if you wanted me, you really should've showed And if you never bleed, you're never gonna grow And it's alright now

this is jaskier saying that hes almost glad that it happened because it gave him a new perspective and it was a learning experience. he also says that its alright, which is the second time that hes said hes okay, which probably means he isnt completely, but hes much closer than he was on the rest of the album because hes not still looking for geralt at every turn

I have this dream you're doing cool shit Having adventures on your own You meet some woman on the Internet and take her home We never painted by the numbers, baby But we were making it count You know the greatest loves of all time are over now I guess you never know, never know And it's another day, waking up alone

this is jaskier acknowledging the fact that geralt has probably long since moved on with his life, either with other romantic people or with his life entirely (the first time he does this on the album). he says that while their love or friendship was unconventional it still was definitely something (implying that it may have been one of the greatest loves of his life). and the waking up alone part references quite miss home and being by himself, but it isnt sad, its just a fact at this point.

But we were something, don't you think so? Roaring twenties, tossing pennies in the pool And if my wishes came true It would've been you In my defense, I have none For never leaving well enough alone But it would've been fun If you would've been the one

this is the part where we see that jaskier has grown. hes recognized that his wanting to be with geralt was never anything more than a fleeting wish or a moment that couldn't last. but he knows that it had potential and it could have worked but it didnt and thats okay. in the last chorus the pennies line is “rosé flowing with your chosen family” which implies that he and geralt were close enough to know each others family (chosen or real), meaning that it meant something. and he wouldn't have minded a long term relationship with geralt, but its not what happened.

in new years day jaskier says “dont read the last page” this song is that last page. part of him still doesnt want geralt to know that hes put aside the hope of it working because he wants to still keep himself open for geralt, but knows that its not healthy and ultimately he needs to move on. hes essentially giving geralt the choice: remember jaskier as wanting to get back with him (since the last line of the album would have been “please dont ever become a stranger who's laugh i could recognize anywhere” or let him have the knowledge that jaskier is done with him (since the official last line of the album is “but it would have been fun if you would've been the one”)

anyway thats jaskiers breakup album. i put way too much effort into this. and if you actually read through the whole thing, thank you and please let me know what you think!! if you use this for fics or have your own interpretations please please tag me, id love to see!!

#the witcher #geralt of rivia #geralt #jaskier #julian alfred pankratz #geraskier #wow this took so long #literally so long #id recommend listening to the songs tho theyre all kinda vibey #there's like a million songs i could have used but i liked these ones cause i think they have a very nostalgic vibe #also dont get me wrong jaskier would also eventually release some sones like uhh #truth hurts by lizzo #like very fuck you breakup songs #but this is him being sad first #anyway im literally only posting this cause witcher anon said they wanted to read it #i hope you like it my dude

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satoruvt · 3 years

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fanfic writer tag game <3

helloooo <3 thank u for tagging me @hannie-dul-set this is so cute lol

ummmm! i think i will tag. @leejuyeeon and @seokmingiggles !! and as always anyone else who wants to <33

peum ~

1. what fandoms have you written for (but do not currently)?

omg lets see if i can do this in order. i think the first fandom i ever wrote fanfic for was creepypasta LMAOO and then... fairy tail? then 5 seconds of summer, then maybe it 2017?? voltron legendary defender, detroit become human, monster prom and mystic messenger kind of overlapped, the arcana !!! then my hero academia, haikyuu, a Little bit of demon slayer... i think thats it lol

2. what fandoms are you currently writing for?

seventeen is all for rn, but i’m thinking of also writing for mha again and adding jjk!!

3. how long have you been writing?

oh wow for like... probably around 6 years? maybe 6 and a half

4. on which platforms do you post your stories?

rn just tumblr, i used to post more actively on ao3 but i havent since i started writing for kpop

5. what is your favourite genre to write?

ahhh like !!! comfort fics!!! i think theres something really sweet in those unspoken feelings during moments you think you’ll never forget... the idea of being with someone and you’re just so sure they’re your favorite person, and then warmth that comes with that realization... wahh

6. are you a pantser or a planner?

oh it depends i think. for longer fics i like to plan them out, but i really wing it with like timestamps or shorter ones

7. one shot or multi-chapter?

ONE SHOTS. my god i fucking suck at multi-chapter shit LMAOO ive only done 1 series like that and it was so rough for me lol

8. what is the perfect chapter length in your opinion?

hm how do i explain this... anything that makes sense? however long it takes for it to feel like the chapter/fic is summed up or completed. i used to worry about word counts a lot but now i rarely pay attention to them, both in reading and writing

9. what is your longest published story? is it complete?

if we’re talking about multi-chaptered, then the color of you wins at 17k !! in terms of one shots, it’s for now; forever at 9k!

10. which story did you enjoy working on the most?

oh boy. i think... anything from the last like. 8 months? my svt stuff for sure!! i went a while without writing in between like january-late november 2020, and i was worried that my writing would suffer a lot... it took a sec for me to get back into the groove of things but i’m feeling happier than ever with the stuff i write now. i feel like ive matured about the way i approach my own writing and ideas, and how i do everything, and my fics make me really proud. ive started writing within different aus that i hadnt touched before, or talking about different feelings or ideas, etc... i really feel like ive grown with this most recent burst lol, and i love working on them! i get so hyped up when im in the middle of writing or even planning, im just so excited to share all of it hehe

11. favorite request you've have written and why (if any?)

ah its been so long since ive worked with requests that i cant remember anything LOL

12. are there reoccurring themes in your stories?

yes. it is comfort and content. it is the feeling of love. it is holding hands on a walk in the middle of spring and smelling flowers. it is the sound of leaves when a gust of wind blows past. it is looking into ur lovers eyes and feeling nothing but pure fondness

13. current number of wips?

fuck like somewhere around 20 probably

14. three things you have noticed about your own writing?

i really like repetition (specifically in sentences if that makes sense??), LOTS of unspoken things (even if i picture a fic with an established relationship, i dont say it within the fic; and especially concerning romantic feelings, i love when things go unsaid and are FELT full force), i think a lot of detailed rambling... i really like to try and describe emotions and stuff in the most abstract and obscure ways lol i feel like it makes things a little more palpable and honest

15. a quote you like from a published story

im gonna do a few. Lol. firstly this long one from pretend people can unlearn:

“Are you…” Jeonghan starts, and when you look at him, his eyes are still on the city in front of you. “Are you ever afraid that we’ll fall out of love?”

It never occurred to you that this was love. It’s not like the love you’ve experienced in the past, not even close. But maybe… maybe that’s why you never leave, why you hold yourself back from certain arguments like it might fix everything. Maybe love is the reason why Jeonghan still seems to believe in you. Why he promises he’ll be the best thing for you despite always breaking that promise.

(Is it love, a voice in your head questions, or is it longing?)

It takes you a while to respond. “I don’t know,” you end up saying, because you really don’t. Jeonghan turns his head and looks at you, and you half expect him to start an argument in the middle of night, out on the street like this. It wouldn’t be the first time. “Would that… be okay?”

“I don’t know,” Jeonghan answers, just like you. His voice is soft. You want to reach for his hand just to hold it. “You’re still…”

He pauses, like he’s trying to find the right word. You let him take his time, for once, instead of accusing him of the worst. “I’m still?”

“Everything,” he tells you. He looks so sad and you reach out for him because it’s the only thing you can offer. You think the worst thing about your relationship with Jeonghan is that you will always believe him when he gets like this, just like you’ll believe him when he takes it back in the heat of a fight.

next is from like there isn’t something missing <3

But you’re crying into his chest because it’s not you, and it’s not him. Seungcheol wonders if it was always meant to be like this, if the two of you were always meant to part or if something… if something just went wrong, somewhere. A bump that did a bit more damage than either of you thought.

He tries not to think about it now. Tears fill his own eyes as he presses a kiss to your hair because he loved you. He truly did.

“I was so lucky to love you,” he murmurs, voice a cracked whisper. “I’m so happy I got the chance.”

When Seungcheol wakes up the next morning in an empty bed, he’s not surprised. But the Post-It note that’s dressed in your handwriting…

Well. It’s over.

and this last one from only for you, i will dance !!

“This will always be our own time,” he says. “We’ll meet here.”

You know. He says it every time. It never fails to make your heart soar.

“Our thirteenth month,” you say, just like every time. Chan smiles.

He kisses you so strong you feel yourself falling.

16. a quote from an unpublished story

ahh ok ill do a few here too!!! one is something ive begun writing, the other is one that i’ve just been working on planning out <3

Smoke blows past somebody else’s lips and partially obstructs Wonwoo’s view of you.

He hasn’t been to a party like this in a long time. It’s elegant, more of a gala than anything. He can’t remember who threw it or for what reason. It doesn’t really matter, he supposes, watching you make conversation with the partygoers. They all have old money to throw around, the symbolism stitched into their suit jackets and red-rimmed heels; remnants of it left on tables and in the contents of expensive cigars.

You play them like you are one of them, tell them the right things with a silver tongue. Wonwoo always watches, plays the part of an observer. It’s impressive, the way you float around the room like it’s nothing.

Wonwoo observes; Wonwoo knows things.

and the second one...

"you don't know me," you respond. your voice carries no bite, just a fact, and joshua knows this

"i want to," he says after a second. "if you'll let me."

and he's asking permission to be your friend, to be close to you, something so tender and strangely polite

it makes you feel almost sad

"don't expect too much," you say, a little teasing. joshua only smiles

17. space for you to say something to your readers

wahhh thank you all so much!!! when i first got into writing for kpop it was a lot different mostly because i think... i was writing stuff for different anime before, and i had built up a big following because of that and my works always did like, really exceptional in terms of notes and feedback and such, and getting into kpop... has been rough on that end 💀 but i appreciate your support thus far, even if it’s small... i’m still working towards a standard that i have for myself!!! so please be patient with me, thank you for the support !!

also please find it in yourself to leave lil comments or any sort of feedback... please..... PLEASE... any creator ever understands this struggle please always try to do this!!! for me and for any other creator you follow and enjoy content from <333

#wah these things r so fun. cries #tag games #adi speaks

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horansqueen · 4 years

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You & Me : chapter 14

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

Sequel to AM CONVERSATIONS

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- notes: this is only a conversation between Liv and Niall. i hope its still good and nice to read? idk, you tell me?

if you want to be on the list of blogs i notify when this is updated, just message me :)

requests! : i did get all your requests ppl and ill use many of them in the next chapter! the request i used in this chapter is one i got when i was writing AM Conversations but i knew id use it at some point!

Chapter 14 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

The need to kiss him was too strong, especially after what he had admitted. I knew he wanted me to some extent but even if I wanted it more than anything, I didn't really think he still loved me like that. His lips moved harshly against mine and I still felt like he was not close enough, even if he was holding my body against his.

"Real love." he repeated low, his lips brushing against mine as I kept my eyes close.

My fingers moved up to his hair and gripped it tight. When was the last time I could touch Niall this way? When was the last time I could really taste him and feel him? I thought about the day his hand moved up on my pants, the same night I kissed his lips when I thought he was asleep, and realized that every time he touched me, his fingers left a burning trace as they moved on me. It seemed to reach my skin even through my clothes and then turn me into a pile of ashes. The truth was, I felt like a fucking phoenix with him. He always burned me down and brought me back to life. How the fuck did he do that?

He bent down more at my touch, groaning low before pressing his lips against mine again, not wasting any time and deepening the kiss to let me taste him some more. I felt my whole body throb as his arms tightened around me, pressing me harder against him. I didn't want this kiss to end but after a while, a bunch of thoughts came to my mind and I pulled away. His eyes opened and they roamed on my face as my lips parted. We were both a panting mess and it was a bit pathetic to see, but I knew we both wanted more. I also knew we shouldn't do anything and I licked my lips, taking a step back but still keeping a small smile on my lips. As I moved, the grip of his arms loosened and I felt his fingertips brush on my waist, once again burning me. Fuck.

"Uhm I just, I need a drink."

Without waiting for his answer, I turned around and walked to the kitchen, opening the fridge and taking what was left of a bottle of wine I had started with Louis a few days before, bringing two glasses and going to the living room. He had walked down the hall and was now standing near my couch, his hands in his pockets. I sat on the couch and poured wine in both glasses, pushing one gently on the coffee table and looking up at him, licking my lips.

"Thirsty?" I just asked, raising my eyebrows.

He seemed to hesitate but he ended up sitting next to me and taking the glass, looking down at the pale beverage. I wanted to make a cheesy toast but instead, I took a sip and I noticed he looked up at me from the corner of my eyes, making me swallow the whole glass quickly. I put my now empty glass back on the table and he chuckled, looking at it.

"Do you think it's a good idea to get drunk two days in a row?"

"I don't know if it's a good idea, all I know is that i'm doing it."

He chuckled again and grabbed the bottle, pouring me more wine before I thanked him. I stared at him as he drank in silence and tilted my head. He was so fucking gorgeous, I just wanted to-

"I know you want to ask me something, go ahead."

I blinked a few times, focusing on his words instead of his perfect face, and cleared my throat. Oh yea, I had a million questions to ask, but where the fuck should I even start?

"Why didn't you ever call me or tried to get in contact with me? Why didn't you ever just... try to get me back?"

He sighed and nodded a few times, leaning against the couch and staring down at his glass as he made it twist gently with his fingers. I brought my legs up on the couch and turned my body to face him but remained at a fair distance. I've always loved how he'd sit on the couch with his legs spread.

"I'm not gonna try to find excuses, Olivia, but I can tell you what went on in my head." he just said with a shrug. "Maybe it won't be good enough for you, maybe it makes no sense, but it's still that."

He looked up and his eyes met mine. I just nodded slowly and pressed my lips together. It was okay if it didn't make sense. It was okay with me, even if his reasons wouldn't make me feel better. I wanted to know if only to stop questioning it.

"At first I just wanted to have fun. I missed you, but you were right, I wanted my freedom more than anything else. It's all I cared about. But it passed quickly and I started asking about you. Everyone told me to fuck off. Everyone wanted me to leave you alone and deep down, I felt like they were right to ask me that. I had to do some introspection, I couldn't just go back to you and do the same fucking mistakes again. So I wrote, instead. I wrote songs. So many of them."

I licked my lips and took a sip of my wine, frowning slightly.

"Are you ever going to sing them to me?"

"What?" he asked with a frown.

"I'd just.. i'd love to hear them."

He stared at me for a few more seconds still frowning before his face changed and his lips parted. He put his glass away and moved closer, his eyes roaming on my face again. I thought he was going to kiss me but instead, he shook his head slightly.

"You can hear some of them whenever you want." he pointed out low. "On my album, you know? You listened to it, didn't you?"

"You..." I frowned too, feeling my heartbeats accelerate quickly. "Which songs are about me?"

Once again, he seemed in shock and frowned, shaking his head a bit harder.

"Almost all of them! Olivia who the fuck did you think my album was about?"

I could read panic in his eyes and I swallowed hard. I had wished at least one of his songs was about me but the way he pretended it was obvious made no sense to me.

"Heidi?"

The grimace his face twisted into surprised me and he shook his head again, moving slightly away from me. He rubbed his eyes before placing his hand on his mouth. I kept staring at him as a flood of feelings appeared on his face.

"You two dated and broke up like 3 times in the past year, didn't you?" I tried to explain, moving a bit closer to him. "I mean you always got back with her, clearly you love her, and you... I mean, it says you don't want the other person to leave but... you're the one who left me. You talk about brown eyes! Niall, how the hell did you expect me to think these songs were about me?"

This time, he bent his upper body down on his thighs, pressing his palms on his face and somehow, I wished I could read his thoughts.

"This is just a freaking color, Liv!" he pointed out. "As for the leaving part... I felt you leave, even when we were still together. I felt like you wanted out of this relationship, like you were unhappy with me. You were always so stressed that I was thinking about an other girl and, I know I made things worse and clearly didn't help. I was not patient or understanding with you and I fucked things up. But this album? It's about you. It's yours."

I wanted to kiss him again. I wanted him to climb on top of me and kiss me until I couldn't breathe. I wanted to feel the weight of his body over mine, trapping me to keep me with him forever but instead, I felt myself tear up and remained motionless.

"You honestly think I could write about anyone else than you?" he added in a softer tone. "That song you caught me singing the other night? It's about you. When I saw you for the first time in over a year at the bakery, I came home and wrote an other song. About you. It's always about you."

He sighed as he looked away from me, grabbing his glass and emptying it.

"We need more alcohol."

He got up and came back with an other bottle as we started drinking fast. It was even more obvious to me at that moment that I needed to be very very drunk. I had so many things to tell him, so many things to hear from him, and I had no idea how I'd manage all of this if I was sober.

"Even 'On My Own'" I finally asked as I took an other sip of my drink.

"What?"

"You said all your songs were about me."

He chuckled and rolled his eyes. "Not all of them, some are concept songs, but On My Own is sort of about you, yea."

I raised my eyebrows at him and he laughed, his eyes sparkling probably because of how intoxicated he was becoming.

"Really!" he insisted. "Everyone around me was dating and shit, but I didn't want to date anyone unless it was you. I do prefer to be alone but you and me, we complete each other, don't we?"

I blinked a few times and my fond smile turned into an amused one.

"You're so full of shit!"

We both started laughing and I threw a cushion at him. He grabbed it and put it behind his back as I tilted my head on the side.

"I went to therapy." I admitted, making his smile disappear. "No, not because of you. Mostly because of me. Because I couldn't accept to be without you, and because it was time I stopped hating myself for things out of my control. My insecurities were ruining my life. They had ruined our relationship, I didn’t want to see that happen again."

He frowned a bit and looked down before looking up in my eyes. He suddenly seemed sad and I wondered if maybe I should have kept this for myself. I used to tell Niall everything but it was a long time ago, maybe it wouldn't work like that between us anymore.

"You didn't ruin anything. Your insecurities didn't ruin what we had. I did. I ruined that relationship. I should have been patient with you, I should have stopped flirting, I should have been clear with girls around that I was taken. I did a bunch of stupid stuff and i'm so sorry I made you feel like shit."

I nodded slowly, blinking a few times and realizing I was getting past the tipsy stage. The more I was drinking, the more I wanted him to make love to me, and something stirred in my stomach, bringing me near tears.

"I thought you replaced me." I whispered, frowning and looking down. "I thought Heidi took a place I felt was mine. Your best friend, your girlfriend, your... i don't know, your soulmate, maybe."

"When you left on that night, Liv... I said you would always be the love of my life. This is still the truth. I haven't changed my mind."

I sniffed and licked my lips, putting a small smile back on my lips. I wanted this to be fun. I didn't want to end up in tears again.

"Okay, let's just, throw truths at each other." I proposed making him roll his eyes. "Should be easy, we're both quite drunk. I can start if you want."

He squirmed on the couch to face me, a big smile gracing his lips.

"No it's my turn, uhm." he looked up as if he was searching for something good and his eyes finally met mine again. "I followed your tv show. Checked the blog every single day to see if there was something new. I love watching you act. I love watching your face."

"I google you every night. For over a year. Louis hated it but he allowed me about ten minutes every night. I didn't tell him but sometimes I just went to bed and googled you again on my phone. I kept googling you when I started dating Dylan, too. I even googled you last night. I guess It's an habit now."

His lips curled in some sort of victory smile and I rolled my eyes. I knew he liked it and I couldn't blame him. I liked that he cared about me enough to watch my show even if it was really amateur and even if we didn't talk to each other anymore.

"I dreamed of you a lot. In fact, I dreamed of you the night before we saw each other at the bakery." he admitted with a nervous chuckle. "I'd say it was fate if I didn't actually dream about you at least once a week."

"And what do we do in those dreams?" I asked with a smirk.

"Sometimes we just talk, sometimes we fight. Other times... you don't want to know!" he let out with a laugh.

I smiled more, not telling him that I really wanted to know, and finally breathed in. It felt so good to be with him alone, I couldn't explain how happy it made me.

"I found the card in your wallet."

I thought he would frown or at least take a few seconds to understand what I was saying but his face immediately changed and he sighed, closing his eyes.

"Fuck, I thought I lost it." his face changed into a suspicious expression. "Wait, why were you checking my wallet and why did you keep it?"

I laughed a bit. "It was that time you told me to get money in your wallet to pay for the pizza." I explained, making him nod as he remembered. "I saw that and, I don't know. To be honest, I didn't think you'd notice. I thought you had probably put that in your wallet a long time ago and just forgot to take it out."

He shook his head and the left corner of his lips raised sadly. "I kept that picture of us with the card in the frame... kept it on my night stand for months."

"Must have been awkward when you brought girls back home!" I joked with a laugh.

But he didn't laugh. He just looked up at me and my smile fell.

"I didn't bring girls home." he explained. "Hotels, okay. Sometimes their place. But in my house? No."

I didn't know why but it reassured me, somehow, and made me feel better to know he didn't bring random girls to fuck in the bed where we made love. It was not much when you really thought about it, but to me, it felt important.

"I put that picture away when Heidi told me to. I felt like it was a bit unfair for her to see that, I had to admit. I still have it in my stuff, and I couldn't throw the card away so i put it in my wallet."

I sighed and sent him a small smile before letting myself slide down the couch only to lay down on the carpet. I was drunk and a bit dizzy but I knew that all the feelings inside of me were real. There was no doubt for me. Absolutely none.

It took him a few seconds but he ended up laying down next to me, his head next to mine but his feet and body in the opposite direction. I turned my head to look at him and he did the same, a big smirk on his lips. It made me laugh and I pressed my lips together.

"I was sad when I realized I didn't bring that frame." I confessed very low, knowing he could hear me anyway. Our lips were so close I felt like we could kiss again. I felt like we should kiss again.

"I was glad you forgot it. Because I knew it wasn't on purpose. But selfishly, I wanted to keep it, even if it was a gift for you."

I didn't want to mention it, but I was glad he kept it if only to know that he kept it for months and then put the card in his wallet. That was worth not being able to keep it when I left. I brought my hand and with difficulty, I reached for his cheek, making him chuckle. I brushed my fingers on his cheek and sent him a fond smile.

"Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?" I murmured again.

"A few times." he smiled more. "Did I ever tell you how beautiful you are?"

This time, I laughed and nodded. "A few times."

We remained silent for a few minutes, just staring at each other, as my heart thumped in my chest. Why was it always so easy with him? Why did I always want to spend all my time with him alone?

"Liv, if there is anything you want to ask me, or tell me... I promise I'll be honest with you." he proposed after a while. "I want to be transparent with you. Always."

My eyes fell on his lips as he talked and all I could think about was that I was so close to kiss him again that I really needed to do something to stop me from going further.

"Did you have sex with that radio girl?" I asked, licking my lips and holding my breath. "And what about that girl who sent you a nude while we were camping?"

His face changed but he didn't look away. He was evaluating how much damage his answer could make and I felt myself tear up. I could read him so easily, even after all this time, and I didn't know how it made me feel.

"Is it really important?" he asked in a soft voice, making me raise my eyebrows. He sighed and closed his eyes. "The radio girl, no I didn't. I did sleep with Gia though."

I was waiting for him to explain himself, or say it meant nothing, but he didn't and I swallowed hard. He had the right to have sex with anyone he wanted. After all, I had sex a few times with one of his best friends, so I couldn't really say anything about it. Did it hurt me? Yes, it did. Because I remembered exactly what that girl's body was like, and thinking about his naked form over hers made me a bit nauseous, but at the same time, it was in the past and it had nothing to do with me.

"Why are you dating her?"

He raised his eyebrows, a bit surprised by my question. "Heidi?"

I nodded. "I know you think she's hot but it's not a reason to date someone." I pointed out with a grimace. "To fuck someone, yea, but not to date them."

"I don't know." he shrugged, a bit taken aback. "She's fun. We had fun."

"You have fun with everyone, Niall." I explained, rolling my eyes.

"What do you mean?"

The way he was frowning was adorable and my lips curled again. "You talk about everyone and call them your best friend, you say that everyone is super funny." I paused and raised my eyebrows again. "Have you ever thought that maybe you're the 'fun' one? Maybe you're the fun person and that's why you have fun with everyone."

It took a few seconds but his lips curled into an amused smile and he laughed, shaking his head.

"You're really something else."

"I just don't get why her. Maya, I get it, but Heidi? Really?"

"You liked Maya, uh?"

I didn't know if I really liked Maya but one thing I knew was that she didn't give me a bad vibe the way Heidi did and that she was gorgeous. No, I wouldn't say I liked Maya, but I understood why someone would want to date her.

"She hated you." he professed with an other chuckle. "She was so jealous of you, she wouldn't shut up about it!"

I felt my heart jump in my chest, a bit shocked that someone, especially someone like Maya, could be jealous of someone like she. She had everything and yet, she felt threatened by an average girl like me? Laughable. It reminded me that during the game, the night before, he had admitted to dialing one of his ex while being drunk and suddenly, I was sure he was talking about Maya and I swallowed.

"Which ex did you drunk dialed?" I asked as he frowned. "Yesterday, at the bar, during the game... you said a lot of things that I wanted to ask about."

"It was you." he laughed, closing his eyes in an embarrassed way and rubbing them. "But when I called it said you changed your number or something. One time I think I left a long drunk voice message to someone that was not you, too."

I chuckled and started nibbling on my bottom lip. This was not the answer I expected but fuck, I loved it.

"I wish I had heard it." I admitted, not knowing how I actually would have reacted.

"I can't believe you sent nudes to Harry but you never sent me any. Why?" he asked, amused.

"Because you never asked, and also, you never sent me any either."

"I don't send nudes." he just replied quickly.

"You should. To me."

His eyes dropped to my lips again and I smiled. I turned my whole body on the side and he did the same. Our faces were now so close I could feel his breath hit gently my forehead.

"Maybe I will."

I chuckled and licked my lips but as we kept staring at each other, I realized how deep the connection we had actually was. I realized how tough it was to stay away from each other and how crazy it seemed to even try.

"What we feel for each other." I started low. "It's visceral."

He nodded slowly. "You and me... we make so much sense, don't you think?"

I lost my smile and nodded slowly. It did. Nothing made more sense than that. I squirmed a bit on the carpet to get closer and brushed my lips against his. The fact that our faces were upside down made it slightly more exciting and when he slipped his tongue in my mouth, I felt my inner thighs start throbbing so hard that I knew I could cum in less than five seconds.

The kiss was slow and sloppy but it was so good I shut my eyes tight, making sure no other part of my body actually moved. I ended up squeezing his tongue with my lips and sucking gently on it, if only to taste him longer. It made him groan and I stopped, freeing his tongue as my lips curled. I was delighted to know I still had some sort of effect on him.

"Pet, don't do that, you're making yourself impossible to resist."

I knew we couldn't do anything and I didn't intend to. I wanted it, I couldn't pretend otherwise, but It was wrong and we both knew it.

"Do you want to sleep here?" I asked as he nodded. "In my bed?" He nodded again. "Are you gonna spoon me?"

"You know I will."

We both got up, almost tripping because of all the alcohol in our bodies, and we started laughing before walking (or more zigzagging) in the hall, dropping random pieces of clothing on our way. We ended up in my bed, under the covers with the lights off, and I closed my eyes, enjoying the feeling of his body pressed on mine. I was wearing his shirt again and had kept my panties while he was just wearing boxers. I loved the feeling of his thighs pressed on mine more than I could explain. It burned and at the same time, it made my whole body vibrate. I was close to fall asleep when I heard his voice, making my eyes flutter open again.

"You didn't tell me."

I frowned and reached for his arm that was around my waist, running my fingertips on it gently.

"Tell you what?"

"I told you how much I loved you, but you didn't tell me how you feel."

My heart jumped in my chest and I remained quiet for a few seconds before squirming as I tried to turn my body around. I had to sit up for a few seconds to untwist my shirt and finally lied back down, facing him. His hair was a mess and I was desperate to slip my fingers in it again.

"I'm in love with you, Niall." I let out, staring in his eyes. "I've always been. You're my soulmate. I love you."

"Real love?" he asked, raising his eyebrows, a small smile playing on his lips as one also appeared on mine.

"Real love."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fanfiction #niall horan fan fiction #niall horan writing #niall horan story #my fanfics #yam #im super nervous about this

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boundlesshart · 4 years

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how royal succession works in Almyra + Other Things about almyra that’s been rattling in my head since that nintendo dream interview laid waste on my crops

hi, so after reading M’s @ladamedepique drabble about a concubine war kid getting kmarted, i realized that what i actually want to write is the Everything i’ve been thinking about since this nintendo dream interview came out back in march. so i did. it’s 2am and im hungry.

i realize that it’s been a while, so the summary of that interview’s impact on my claude headcanons is “my handcrafted claude backstory that i had to write myself bc intsys decided fuck claude is now irreversibly fucked by the introduction of a bunch of half-siblings he had to be rivals with.” if you ever catch yourself wondering why this is such a mess, well because that’s exactly what this is! this is all subject to change, it’s same kind of “haphazard and bizarrely long half-baked headcanon report” that my dlc thought train was. i’ve changed my mind at least 20 times during this process i will change it again

i’d like to thank zotero for holding all of my journal articles and pdfs on the ottomans and their succession system, and also magnificent century og and kosem, while not being totally historically accurate, for being a fun soap opera to give me some visuals to work with in my head. i now have a positive understanding of what claude’s shitty little beard could realistically look like, which is a gift that i never thought i would have.

Almyran Succession

All of the king’s children, regardless of if they were born in or out of wedlock, is considered a legitimate prince or princess. This is pretty much the only title that they can expect to have, as they and their mothers cannot inherit any lands, titles or wealth that would have been passed to them from their own families. Almyran property law aims to avoid partitioning property between multiple heirs for the sake of maintaining the family’s financial stability. The throne of Almyra works under the same principle, which had led to the introduction, legalization, and practice of open succession.

Open succession, despite its potential to be cruel, is viewed as a necessary step to ensure that the throne would only be held by strong leaders chosen by the people (”people” ending up being the higher-ranking officials that would benefit from a specific child’s ascension). If they proved to be lacking, they would simply be deposed of and replaced.

What determines who becomes the next ruler of Almyra is not whether a child is the oldest of all the children, but if they and their allies have the political acumen to not only claim kingship but keep it, fighting off their rival brothers and sisters.

All sons and unmarried daughters are eligible to rule Almyra. By law is not only the next ruler’s right but duty to remove other potential heirs to secure their right to rule and the stability of their reign. Generally upon a ruler’s ascension to the throne, their brothers will be killed and their sisters married off or killed if they threaten their siblings’ rule. Exceptions have been made in the past, but they are few and far in between and have led to succession crises down the road.

The previous ruler’s choice for an heir is usually accepted after their death, and ideal for minimizing the interregnum period. Even so, it doesn’t guarantee that the heir will be able to keep the throne.

Ok, but where do the kids come from?

Rulers of Almyra are allowed to have multiple spouses, but they usually only marry for political purposes.

The vast majority of children are mothered or fathered by concubines with no background of political power, which is preferred. Princes and princesses are allowed to have children once they leave the palace (to prove that they can have them), but if they have too many they may be considered a threat to the king and dealt with appropriately.

I think the one mother-one child rule would have been in place here, not necessarily as a law but as a rule enforced by other spouses and concubines, as well as the ruler’s mother or father.

Princes and princesses aren’t dropping like flies, and murdering them without having the law on your side is considered treason of the highest order. They’re still aware of their competition and fear being murdered when one of their siblings takes the thrones, so few end up becoming friends.

Children are ultimately their mother’s or father’s responsibility. They are expected to guide them through their education and follow them to their provincial post when they are old enough, setting them up for success and paving their path to the throne. King and Queen Dowagers have been incredibly influential in Almyran history and support their children by representing them politically and managing their spouses and concubines.

Ok, whatever, just tell me what’s relevant to Claude:

Ibrahim, Claude’s father, became the king of Almyra only after 5 year civil war between himself and his two remaining brothers. He got to the throne first and is still feared for the ruthless execution of even his youngest brothers and sisters.

In all, Ibrahim has had 2 wives and 12 concubines, and he has fathered 10 sons and 6 daughters. A few died to childhood illnesses but most made it to at least 13 years old. He’s a doting father and cares for their well-being, though only when he happens to see them. Though he was a constant presence in Claude’s life, his half-siblings usually only saw him during holidays.

No one in Almyra knows that Tiana is the daughter of Duke Riegan, for all they know she’s a Fódlaner that King Ibrahim brought back with him after a short border strife with the Leicester Alliance. Obviously she goes by another name in Almyra, and here is where I think I’m going to bring back the first name I had for her, Desdemona. Suck it, intsys. She wasn’t liked when she first came due to being from Fódlan, and was accused of witchcraft when Ibrahim married her and devoted himself to her at the expense of his other wives as concubines. As the herd of children and concubines thinned, Tiana’s strong personality and battle prowess garnered her respect among the top officials of the Almyran court and even her enemies.

In Fódlan Year 1175, rebels infiltrate the palace walls and kill over a dozen people, from palace servants to princes and princesses. In the moment it was believed to be part of a revolt that was ongoing in the capital at the time and carried out by rebels storming the palace walls and stealing and killing whatever came in their way. After an investigation, it was discovered that that was just a cover up for.... a noble Almyran house trying to make a power grab through either an older son or with their own heir? I’ve been working out the details on this for months and I still don’t have them ironed out don’t look at me. It ends with a couple of older half-sibs dying but more importantly Claude’s older and younger brother dying and Claude nearly dying himself, only to survive with the Crest of Riegan. I imagine that there have been instances before hinted at him having the Crest of Riegan, but it was this incident that confirmed it for Tiana.

These are the notable royal family members, or the ones I’ve spent at least one second thinking of:

King Ibrahim II of Almyra: Claude’s dad, born Fódlan year 1131 so 19 when he ascends the throne. He is feared but respected, brutal to his enemies, firm with his allies... but you’d be surprised by how easygoing he actually is with friends and family. He’s young at heart and energetic, even laughing at jokes made at his expense, but only in very close company. He loves writing poetry, especially to Tiana, and he frequently sends her love letters so that one can be read out to her every morning and evening when her mail is given to her. Relishes the thrill of battle. Nader introduced him to kumis back when they were boys and to this day Ibrahim regularly drinks a glass each night, claiming it makes him stronger.

There’s a tradition in the royal family that all princes and princesses must learn a trade in case that they fall into misfortune. Ibrahim enjoys goldsmithing when he is alone, a good distraction from his thoughts. Claude’s earring is part of a set given to his mother, crafted by his father as a gift.

Tiana von Riegan/Desdemona: Claude’s mom, born Fódlan year 1135. Claude calls her a warrior goddess and a demon queen that would laugh at his expense, I imagine that she’s in that “dead serious but good humored about it” boat like Claudedad, but less sappy about it. A tough but loving mother, she was very involved in her children’s upbringing and did her best to secure their place in the royal family. She doesn’t teach any of her kids the Fódlanguage because she was distancing herself from That, but Claude is able to convince her to help him learn (though she was reluctant about it and limited their lessons greatly, forcing him to teach himself mostly). She has firmly decided to never return to Fódlan, but a cup of Leicester Cortania is her guilty pleasure. These days Tiana spends her time at her husband’s side in Maragheh, keeping up with her training.

Two older half-brothers: So Claude’s endings have him as heir to the throne without a mention of rivals, but part of me feels like that’s too simple for Claude considering he just up and walked out of there 7 years ago so here we are, two rivals. They’re probably early to mid 30s at this point and have one or two small children of their own. I don’t know their names yet, but my initial ideas are a “nice” brother cool calculated pushing up glasses kind of dude that is actually a huge dick and a chad dudebro who’s just trying to distance himself from these bad vibes.

If I had to give them trades, nice brother likes to fish and sails for pleasure (he governs a coastal province) and chad brother carves wooden thumbrings.

Orhan: Claude’s older brother, born Fódlan Year 1160. He was conceived months before Tiana went to Almyra (born 5 months after she arrived), so his parentage has been in doubt from day 1. I imagine him as having low self-esteem since he was believed to be a full-blooded Fódlaner, discriminated against in a similar way or worse than what the rest of his siblings went through. Historians would later debate whether or not he was actually Ibrahim’s son.... but we’re not historians, and Orhan was definitely his son. Died in the FY1175 uprising at the age of 15.

No idea what he looked like, he just happened to not look like his parents. His favorite food was salted cod, but he was rarely able to get it. Orhan enjoyed playing the violin.

Claude/Khalid: You know him, you love him, born Fódlan Year 1162 under another name. He’s the only kid that ended up getting the Crest of Riegan, and after one too many accidents where that crest ended up proccing, he’s been accused of practicing witchcraft like his mother. I think this would be a better like, concrete thing for the Almyrans to fixate on rather than a general “you’re half-Fódlan rahhh” and I think it would definitely go with Claude talking about how he was constantly fighting and explaining himself to get out of trouble.

If I’m going with the “kids can only inherit from the ruler of Almyra”, then I’m gonna have to figure out how Claude fits into this. His first move is to probably bullshit a loophole about how actually the Dukedom of Riegan doesn’t exist anymore and I may have destroyed Failnaught after the final battle so technically I didn’t really inherit anything that would give me an edge in Almyran politics. :). Ibrahim is pissed at Claude for going to Fódlan in the first place and getting caught up in a war and he definitely did not sign off on Nader bringing Almyran troops into a war that they have no business being involved in. The first thing Ibrahim does when Claude returns to Maragheh is shout at him and ground him to his apartment in the palace. And then proceed to assign Claude to a governmental post so that he’s out of his sight.

As an aside, I imagine that when Ibrahim dies and Claude rises to the throne, he deliberately delays his coronation so that it coincides with the Almyran New Year. It;s that kind of inconvenient dick move that he would delight in making bc symbolism.

You know what he looks like, in terms of food he strays away from sugary sweet stuff and towards meat and cheese. I’d like to think that he gains a genuine interest in gardening (like, beyond just cultivating poisonous plants as a cover for “gardening”) during his time in Fódlan and brings back different seedlings and scions for grafting back to Almyra.

Mehmet and Rahimah: Twins, born Fódlan Year 1164. Ok so basically I kind of wanted a dead sibling that was around Cyril and Lysithea’s age for the Drama of it (bc I thought of Claude looking at Cyril and thinking of his brother and immediately went “That hurts. Let’s do it”). But I ALSO thought what if Claude had a little sister, and then I ALSO thought what if Claude has a new full-blooded sibling that got conceived during the five year war, like the shittiest surprise. I’ve combined all those ideas into the twins.

First of all, they have more function than personality. Mehmet only exists to die during the uprising, but I’m starting to like Rahimah bc like... she literally loses most of her brothers including her twin, and then Claude up and leaves her for Fódlan (a place she has little connection to, regardless of her mother). Her only remaining sibling is gone for years, misses seven birthdays, her wedding with an Almyran general, the birth of her first child and the announcement of her second... like, by the time Claude comes back to Almyra she hates his guts and you know what? She’s right! I imagine Rahimah angry, but also grasping for literally any kind of deep and long-lasting relationship at this point. She loves her kids fiercely, she loves her husband, and even though they have their struggles she's still very close to her mom. Fuck her no-show brother Khalid, and fuck Fódlan for taking him away from her.

No idea what Mehmet looks like, like I said he only exists to die. Rahimah is shorter than Claude at maybe 5′4, round-faced and carrying herself gracefully. She’s lactose intolerant but she bears the pain for the sake of eating ice cream, and her husband goes to great lengths to get the ice for her. Likes to sing and dance with her son Ömer.

#headcanon #to sleep

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mulderspice · 5 years

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have you ever watched an episode of the Emmy award winning sci-fi drama, The X Files? Maybe you’ve read my original post and yet you’re still wondering where the hell Fox Mulder got all those strands of hair on his jumbo gigantic head. I am back and here to help you find the answers to some of your burning questions; as we celebrate the hard work and triumphs of the hair and makeup department on the Fox Lot and team up with my big huge brain and my New York State Cosmetology license to give the people what they want once again: another top ten guide to Mulder’s fucking hair..

upon making this post a second time (rip 😔), I realized that just about every episode (yes, every. single. one. even the ones without Mulder and the latest season where he has to share headspace with [redacted]) has its own important and iconic hair looks... You may recognize that some of these are slightly repeated from the last post but that’s ok! What I'm here to do is enforce! So lets get started..

#10 s6:e21 Field Trip: Here again we begin our journey into cosmetic superstardom with a personal favorite of mine. Mulder rolling with the times by getting a haircut fresh off the FTF wave left our nation in fucking shambles. Can’t imagine going to see a major motion picture in theatres jam packed with Mulder’s most supreme hair looks only to come back to my tv screen to see it all gone away. For students reading this post for educational purposes, this caused a worldwide walkout on popular salon franchise Supercuts in the year 1998. However, a haircut didn’t necessarily mean Mulder forgot how to take care of his hair. The precision and placement as each strand of hair perfectly outlines his jumbo head is revolutionary and inspiring. Mushroom induced drug high? K. Lemme still grab my teasing comb and my hairspray and make sure I look presentable for when my partner walks into my apartment screaming abt “where's Mulder” and wanting “answers”. The answer is this: this look is about giving people like myself with big heads rights and looking fuckable while doing so. 10/10 for inspiring hope.

#9 s1:e9 Space: Imagine you’re a few episodes into a show, the core plot is developing right before your eyes and you’re beginning to get to know The X Files three main characters; Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and Mulder Hair Strands #1-3. All is well except, you still have no clue how crucial, and critical Mulder Hair Strands 1-3 will become to the show and to your life and I am here to tell you that you are in for a very rude and bold awakening. This message goes out to all the haters and all the people who didn’t believe Mulder’s hair was valid prior to season 4. He is here to tell you he DID know how to use dry shampoo and even the occasional blow dry oil and you can suck a dick abt it. Bold of you to assume he wouldn’t pull the round brush and the biosilk out the drawer to impress a visit to fucking NASA. 10/10 for involving science.

#8 s4:e6 Sanguinarium: I sit here writing to you today as the song ‘Handmade Heaven’ comes on shuffle; strikingly fitting for this raw and ethereal image of straight up beauty and wonder and magic and heaven in hair. This special, freshly washed and air dried smells like strawberries and sandalwood and fuckability. The look reaches through your TV and wraps its hands around your neck and sucks the life right out of you. Are you gonna let it happen? You sure are. Lucky for you, I just so happened to be there when the angels hand sewed each strand of hair onto his head and here’s what they had to say about it: this is everything and more and the way Mulder has just washed his hair with fresh mountain water droplets hand collected like nothing else mattered. Put his clothes back on and went on his merry way. Can’t imagine being in Scully’s shoes ready to walk on in her partners room unannounced to go over serious case related matters and theories. Woulda went bonkers. This truly is a handmade heaven. Hand crafted by Mulder for Scully and for the good viewers of the globe. 10/10 for embracing me in its arms.

#7 s4:e3 Home: A look from one of primetime TV’s most notorious banned episodes. Viewer discretion IS advised not only for the horrifying and cringeworthy content displayed in this episode, but for also making it painfully blunt to the viewer that Mulder’s hair follicles are happier and healthier than anybody else's will ever be in their lifetime. In fact, I can feel my own hair falling out and being respawned onto HIS head as I type this and I’m sure you can too. The way the sun glistens off his golden brown strands makes me want to walk into oncoming traffic. You might also notice how effortless this look was, as it probably only took a quick run thru with his fingers, and Mulder’s passion and need to look sexy at any time of the day at all times. It’s obvious that this kind of thing comes naturally to him, which just comes off as insulting to men everywhere. 11/10 for striking fear into men’s hearts.

#6 s4:e20 Small Potatoes: Genuinely took every bone and nerve ending in my body to not put this look in the top 5 even though it so clearly deserves it. Here at mulderspice we believe in diversity, meaning it wouldn’t be right to make my top five greatest hairstyles ever produced on The X Files just of Mulder’s iconic and revolutionizing middle part (though really who is stopping me..). This screenshot in general has me up in arms at how perfectly the blue background matches his eyes, and how it accentuates his hydrated skin and lips. But you’re not here for that. It’s the hair particularly that really pulls the shot together, as Mulder took the time that morning to spray it with some tinted dry shampoo that most defiantly and absolutely smells like chocolate. This look feels like a warm hug on a frigid winter day. I feel EMBRACED and I feel CARED FOR thanks to the wonderful staff and team @ Mulder’s head and hair follicles. What the fuck could be better than this. 16/10 for making me feel some type of way.

#5 s4:e8 Tunguska: Currently you may not think anything of Krycek to the left of this image though ill have you know he plays an extremely vital part of this look and all the words I’m about to speak to you directly. So listen up: Krycek may have heroically slayed Mulder’s father in cold blooded and justifiable murder, but we thank him for this, as it caused Mulder to lash out in the best way possible: through looks. “Un-shun: Krycek do you think I’m good to bring my Redkin Rewind 6 styling paste with me or will the Russian TSA think of that as contraband? :Re-shun”. A sweaty, manly and highly illegal treck through a Russian testing facility and a stint in a violent foreign PRISON surely was not going to stop Mulder from keeping his hair properly hydrated, styled and parted. That’ll really ruffle Krycek’s feathers and make him feel sorry for what he did…. The sexiest way to avenge the death of your deadbeat father. 24/10 for you know why.

#4 s1:e6 Shadows: In the year 1993, Mulder steps onto the scene, young, fresh faced, bright eyed and ready to give men around the globe what they (so desperately) needed: the encouragement to care about their hair. Any backstreet boy you may know have this scene to thank directly, as this is what encouraged them to reproduce Mulder’s hair onto their own heads time and time again. What I would give to see with my own eyes Mulder length times width times height his head to equal this perfectly proportionate look of volume and sexy. And who can I write a warrant out to for allowing this shot to take place. Oh to be the various and expensive hair care products in Mulder’s bathroom …… 899/10 for starting a movement (-1 for making us do equations).

#3: s1:e10 Fallen Angel: The biggest regret I’ve ever had in my short little life was not adding this moment to the last post. And tumblr deleted it in order to give me this opportunity to present this to you today. By the way, that absolutely is in fact a choir of angels singing as you view this image. Go ahead and try to think of something on this earth that could be better than this tossled bed headed im-stressed-becos-my-partner-of-2-weeks-isn’t-seeing-the-big-picture-about-how-we’re-all-key-pawns-in-an-ongoing-government-conspiracy hairstyle hand crafted by Mulder all while holding his head in his hands hard at work trying to break through to the truth. Scully [insert photo of Scully with her eyes popping out of her head here] and I both wanna rip our own hair out and throw it in the garbage. 2000/10 for making our hearts ache..

#2: s4:e10 Paper Hearts: Behold- the image I’m slamming down on the desk at full force when I finally get myself a therapist. I need a licensed professional doctor to help me understand the various angles that this purposeful shot affects my life health and well being. In a paranoia induced out of body experience Mulder took his pinky finger and parted his hair down the middle, took a protractor to perfectly round the tendrils falling ever so gracefully on his forehead and ran out of his apartment and through the woods of DC. Doesn’t matter if he’s crazy? Doesn’t matter if its fuck all 4am? Who knows if the discoveries of this night is finally going to answer the heartbreaking questions regarding Mulder’s baby sister? Fuck it we’re just gonna make sure Scully has something to look forward to after being awoken yet again in the middle of the night and asked to come wrangle and control this stupid idiot. This just makes me unhinged. 50000/10 for waking up in the middle of the night and doing the most for us all.

#1 s4:e3 Teliko: This one will remain number one for as long as I shall live. I’ve dedicated my life to this cause and I’m ready to make you painfully aware of it. Grab a pen and paper and get ready to do some heavy math with me because this look right in front of your eyes is the equation to happiness and sexiness. Can barely find the words to describe to you how this picture makes me feel. Each strand of hair is personally reaching down and wrapping his head in one big giant hug of protection and solitude. Unbelievable that Scully didn’t head back to her hotel room and scream at the top of her lungs right after this. There’s no way she went about her day as normal without wanting to kick the shit out of him and then put him back together with soft feathery kisses. What you are witnessing here is the very turning point of the show where Scully looked into into the very center point of that part and said “guess I have no choice but to fall in love with him 🚶🏽‍♂️”. Chris Carter’s idealistic version of Mulder and the one we actually ended ups seeing as viewers were so drastically different that it’s blatantly clear that he had absolutely no idea the cultural implications that were about to rock the world to its core and tip it on its axis when David Duchovny showed up on set looking like this. I could write a thesis about this. I could conduct research and studies about this. I got kicked out of college because I cared more about this than I did actual schoolwork. I feel like I’m in a very sexy chokehold. Wish I could live forever in one little square pixel of this image. Nothing means more to me than this. 1000000/10 no further comments.

and the honorable mentions go to....

s8:e16 Three Words: Dead? Did you die? Did you die and miraculously defy god by rising from the dead and coming back to life? Just got home from the morgue? Think nothing is the same? Left guessing if you’re a soon to be 5 minute father? Did you just fucking die? He’s lost his family and his job and the world just went on without him like it was nobody’s business. Walked out of the morgue right to his apartment and what did he have left? His expensive array of hair styling and finishing products that’s what the fuck he had left. Being an all around reject from society didn’t at all stop him from taking his fingers and dipping it into that Big Sexy styling pomade and fluffing his head to high heavens. As a personal fuck you to god and to John Doggett too. He’ll never let you know the emotional hellstorm going on in his life in that moment but he WILL make it known to you that despite being 8 feet under ground for 6 months he’ll never give up on his hair. For the PEOPLE. Try and go through the nightmare of death and then rejected fatherhood and see if you come out of it with any hair at ALL. An itty bitty glimpse into what would have been Untitled Mulder Abduction Story (2001)....

I Want To Believe (2008): Here you will see the sluttiest moment in major motion picture history. Shh im not using this opportunity to show you this screenshot for the 800th time I’m trying to keep you educated. BREAKING NEWS; Man hiding in home office for 6 years fully off the grid has FULL head of hair and is getting regular sex *not clickbait*. So what if Mulder has gone fully unhinged and off the walls bonkers he’s also gone FULL slut and it shows in that sexy thick voluminous head of slut hair. If you ever for a second thought prior to seeing this movie for the first time that Mulder would show up a full on son-less wreck and a half think the fuck again babes. He’s managed to hold on to every single little strand ever grown on his head even well into his middle aged madness and its about time we give him the credit he deserves. (PS. Please know I wrote this entire spiel without even viewing the shot shown here. Its just permanently etched on the inside of my forehead so its there when my eyes roll back into my head.) For this we say…..; Whore rights.

s11:e3 Plus One: Incase you were unaware, I have been going through a very slow and painful process of erasing Season 11 from my brain completely. Its been a long road but its achievable and the end result will save me from a lot of future heartache and trauma. This however, is a moment I will cherish forever and though you may think its for the hot sex (which is like maybe 30% the case) its actually because it puts together everything I’ve ever loved and believed about the show in only a few thousand pixels. How old is Mulder here? 30? 31? Still has hair and still has an unbelievable amount of love to shower Scully in for as long as they both shall live (which lets face it, she deserves one million times over.) What this has taught me was to hang up my “Mulder deserved…” hat for good and just be thankful for what I’ve got. I ended up with no son or happy dreamy ending where Mulder gets to die with a family he’s never had in his life, but here we are left with the little things.. Like Mulder and Scully’s unconditional love and most importantly .. The hair on Mulder’s head. Its called growth and acceptance and I am learning it. Also I just wanted to show you what it would look like if you were like 57 and sexy and still had all ur hair. That’s it :-)

#and this one i SAVED!!!!! enjoy #here at mulderspice

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yibowang · 4 years

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1/? can i get in on this yibo and ca discussion please? i’ve been wanting to talk to someone about this but i have no one so anon and brenda, im sorry for the rambles from this westerner. i love yibo. truly. admire him greatly as he’s a very talented and dedicated person in all that he does. when he likes something, he goes all in. i agree with you brenda that he has no malice in his heart in wanting to participate in not only the dance styles of hip hop but its fashion and hairstyles too.

2/? i argue that his continued ca from the past few years is from ignorance and not ill intent. also anon, you can still be a fan of someone while acknowledging that they haven’t done the best things. i’ll admit i myself am ignorant on what information is available and spread in china in regards to black culture and people, but i know for a fact that hip hop is tied to them, more specifically black people in america. they literally created it. no one can deny it.

3/? they have contributed so much to culture around the world and culture that china participates in too (for example, all those chinese street style clothing tiktoks? yeah, street style is also connected to black people except for the use of traditional chinese clothing in the videos.) but the thing is, anti-blackness is still active in china as it is in other countries and in a lot of east asian countries too.

4/? (for example, all those chinese street style clothing tiktoks? yeah, street style is also connected to black people except for the use of traditional chinese clothing in the videos.) but the thing is, anti-blackness is still active in china as it is in other countries and in a lot of east asian countries too. a lot of people don’t understand or aren’t willing to understand why the hairstyles can be controversial, and i know my perspective isn’t as powerful bc im not black

5/? but i always understood it as black people as a whole have always been shamed and judged and discriminated for how they look, how they talk, what they wear, their music, etc. especially here in western countries. but it’s suddenly praised when it’s on other people and it’s capitalized on. the world takes from them and yet the world seemingly can’t seem to give back respect to them when they ask for the right to be treated like human beings?

6/? so they have the right to be angry or tired of seeing ca from non-black groups that have looked down upon them. yibo can’t be completely ignorant to that. as a fan, i want yibo to be a better person each day. i know for some fans it can be shocking to have your faves be marked down as having some something problematic, and sometimes their first instinct is to go into defense mode and refute the claims,

7/? but i can promise you that outside of haters who genuinely just want to see him be taken down, those “calling it out” want him to accept and learn from his mistakes and not do it again. that’s it. we want to be proud when we tell others that we are fans of wang yibo. a person so passionate and respectful about what he does. others have said they’ve reached out to his management in the past but they don’t have faith that they get the information to him.

8/? i feel like if he did receive information and educated himself when he has the time bc boy is doing 50 things at the same time, he wouldn’t engage in it. he’d hopefully tell his stylists or who ever is in charge of that stuff that he’d rather not wear it. there are many alternatives that aren’t ca that would look good on his beautiful self. okay, rambling over. tldr; yibo is probably not aware of what he’s doing and as his fans we just want him to learn so it doesn’t happen again.

9/9 just needed to get it off my chest bc i’m not confronting twitter stans who don’t want to listen to others and who are using their own lack of discomfort with ca of their own cultures to dismiss this. you don’t have to respond to this bc it’s long and i think tumblr might have even been overwhelmed too but thanks for reading if you did :)

hi anon! i think i’ve already said most of what i think about this topic so i’m sorry that my response to yours is so short! but thank you for sending in your opinion bc i do agree!! i also hope that more fans realise that asking yibo to be aware of this is not the end of the world especially since a lot that he does originates from black culture. and for people to stop vilifying those that feel upset (esp black fans) bc this is not their culture!!

#anon #replies #long post

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reeree1500 · 5 years

Text

The Return- Part 10

Disclaimer: YALL IM SO SO SO SORRY.😭😭 I have been horrible and not updated this story for at least a month.😬 I can explain though... University has been kicking my ass and between that and my co-op placement at a law firm.😅 Ive had absolutely no time to do anything😩 BTW IVE MISSED YALL SO MUCH❤️And Ive read all your messages and asks. And yes my mental health is now better and y'all are so understanding and supportive 💕 honestly could not have asked for a better group of individuals☺️❤️

Part 1 part 2 Part 3 Part 4 Part 5 Part 6 Part 7 part 8 part 9 Part 11

Anyways onto the storyyyyy.....

Warnings: ANGSTY AF (kinda figured out that im probably a smut and angst writer at this point🤷🏽‍♀️), sucky ass grammar and spelling like always, my cliche imagination and the fact that Im probably a horrible human being😬😩 Also made it extra long cuz I felt baddd

PLEASE DONT KILL ME FOR THIS ONE😬

Taglist: @yanii-the-hippie @oceans-daughter-3 @peaceisadirtyword @laketaj24 @camatsuru @youbloodymadgenius @calum-hoodwinked-me @cutegyrl927 @wuxiesalt @readsalot73 @cindy-exo @affection-rabbit @amy8220 @mel0nch0ly @queenofallthyfandoms @limbo-limbo-limbo @ragnarssonsbitch @supernaturalvikingwhore @ifihadwings128 @paintballkid711 @jenny-the-lover @funmadnessandbadassvikings @blonddnamedhandz @hallowed-heathen @pinkrockstar19 @ivarthethiccness

Sorry if I missed any of you💕 Lemme know if you want to be tagged. Also requests are open, and I’ve got a ton of them to do and finish. Hopefully Ill be able to post them soon enough

Arthur’s POV

“Arthur please! Open the door my love, I know what it may seem like to you, but I assure you that its not.” (Y/n) pleaded from the other side. I sat down on the mattress in our chamber contemplating whether or not it was true. Should I believe what my wife so desperately is trying to reassure me off. Or should I stick with my gut feeling and tell her how I have felt for the last 4 years. Her constant pounding on the door finally gets to me and I make my way to open it. “I wish to be left alone at the moment (y/n).” Her arms circle around my waist and I can feel her face wetting by back with tears. “Arthur please, talk to me. Why have you run off. You know that I love you. I do not want him, all he does is bring me pain and you take that away. So please, talk to me!” (y/n) murmurs into my back. As much as it pains me to do so I pry her hands off of me and sit us down on the bed. All I do is long for her touch, but this is not okay. I cannot keep feeling this way and go on pretending that I could have ever stood a chance against him. “(y/n), look at me. I love you and I always will. But its evident that you love him. and I honestly can say that I know I will never stand a chance against him, because the thought of you possibly running back to him has always been on my mind since the day we got married.”

Her eyes showed so much pain that confessing this felt as if I was driving a knife through her heart. “Arthur, I love you. What can I do to show you that. Yes I confess that I was in love with him, but that was long ago and I have left it in the past in order to build a future with you. Whom I love and who I share and will continue to share beautiful children with. So please don't shut me out, Arthur.” She says leaning our foreheads together and holding my face in her gentle hands. “Ok, however I want to be able to process things by myself. So I have decided to have the guest room across the hall prepared only until I figure things out.” With out giving her a chance to fight back, I place my lips on hers and savour the kiss as if it were our last. Meeting her eyes was something I wanted to avoid as I knew that just looking at her broken expression would make me change my mind. I hastily make my way out of the room, but sneak a quick glance over my shoulder to find my wife staring off into the direction where I once sat. With tears streaming down her eyes...

Your POV

What had I done? Why was I such fool to not see what my husband was clearly going through? Millions of questions rushed into my mind about how to go about this situation. I loved Arthur, I was clear on that. But he spoke the truth, there was something in me that could not let Ivar go and it took hurting my husband and Ivar to figure that out. As I sulked I forgot about the doctor whom I had asked to see me earlier. I was having really bad stomach pains and my breasts were more tender then they had ever been. So I wanted to make sure that I was not sick, as that would have been the last thing I needed on my plate at the moment. “My Queen, are you alright? Do you wish to push back this appointment, I dont mind coming by later when you're better.” The doctor spoke from behind me. “Yes, it seems so. Ill let the servant girl know if I need you doctor. Im sorry for the inconvenience.” “Nonsense your majesty, it is my pleasure to serve you.” With a bow the doctor retreats from the room and Im left to my own thoughts once again...

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“(y/n), wake up... its seems that you fell asleep on the floor. Come on I’ll help you up.” Upon hearing Hvitty’s comforting voice my eyes flutter open and I cant help the tears that song come down my face like a cascade. “(y/n)! are you alright are you hurt anywhere? Why are you crying?” Hvitserk’s eyes scan my face and my body looking for the source of my pain, which is held in my heart, but he’ll never know that. “Arthur... He...” I try to find the words to say. “What! What did he do! Did he hurt you? I swear ill kill him!” With that Hvitserk tries to let me go and run out the door, but somehow I manage to stop him. “Hvitserk, No! He didn't hurt me. I hurt him... He believes that Im in love with Ivar, and I fear that their maybe some truth to it...” I say just above a whisper, with my head held low. “(Y/N), Ive known that since before you were married. It was obvious, but I would never say anything to you because I found that it was best if I kept such observations to myself, before I found out about your father.” Lifting my head and staring directly at him, I move my head to the side with a puzzling look. “What do you mean about my father, Hvitserk?” Hvitserk now mirrors the same lost look that I have on my face. “I thought thats why you and Ivar had gotten together, because Ragnar’s not your father...”

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Ivar’s POV

“Aghhhh!”Is the sound that comes out of my gritted teeth when the medicinal herbs are placed on my face. “That hurts like a bitch, get out! Ill do this myself if I have to. GO!” I yell at the servant girl who tried to cleanse and tend to the cuts on my face. “Ivar, please let the servants tend to you. I still cannot believe that Arthur punched you in the face. Hehehe, you deserved it though, how could you question the paternity of his children and not expect him to want to kill you?” Bjorn laughs as he chugs the rest of his drink down. “Well, if you actually cared about your children and the heir to your throne, you’d also be quite upset to find a Christian King claiming to be their father. Those children are mine! And its pretty evident, just look at Marjorie. She's my spitting image.” I snarl at him as the anger begins to rise in me again. “Ivar, thats your mistake and why you’ll never get (y/n) back. You believe that everything should be yours. And that people are things you can govern over, but they're not. Because those are children. And yes they may be yours, but you cannot take away what they have known because you want to be selfish.” He says with a stern look on his face, whilst getting up from his chair and making his way to the door. “Now get ready and fix yourself we have a intimate dinner to attend to with MY sister and the love of your life.” Unbeknownst to us, there was Freydis on the balcony listening to our whole conversation. And little did I know that it would come to be the thing I regretted the most.

At the dinner I notice (y/n) sit on the opposite side of the table from Arthur. This wouldn't have affected me if it wasn't for the look on both of their faces. They seemed distraught and broken. Arthur masked it well, but (y/n) was an open book for all of us to know exactly how she felt at that moment. Not much talking happened, besides Marjorie and Erik shouting at each other on who was better at riding. They reminded me a lot of myself and all I wanted was to tell them the truth, that they were my children and that they would go back to Kattegat with me to learn about the true gods and not the fable that had been told to them about their so called ‘God’.” “(Y/n) are you alright, you do not seem quite like yourself tonight.” Bjorn states with a concerned look that we all share. Even Arthur looks a bit concerned, but his body language makes it seem as if he is alright and nothing is wrong. “Sarah, could you please put Marjorie and Erik to bed? Its getting late for them and they have their lessons early in the morning.” She says with a stern and cold look in her (e/c) eyes. “Su...sure your majesty. “ At that Bjorn stands up as if to accompany Sarah, but is quickly stopped by (y/n)’s icy glare and venomous words. “Sit your ass down.” At that we all look astonished, but Hvitserk only stares at her with sadness and what seems to be sympathy. He must know why she is like this then.

Bjorn slowly sits back down on the table. A shocked look graces his face, as he cannot comprehend why she is acting this way towards her beloved older brother. “How long.” Is all she grits out through her teeth. “What do you mean, (y/n)?” My eyes meet Hvitserk’s own and the realization dawns upon me. She knows...

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Your POV

“Stop with the bullshit! I cannot take anyone else lying to me!” I scream as I bang my hands against the table, stunning everyone in sight. “How long did you know that Ragnar was not my father! How long have you kept the truth from me! How long have you known that Athelstan was my father!” I could careless about everyone staring at me as if I was a mad woman. I had been lied to my whole life. All I had known had been a lie, and the people who I trusted the most in this world had been the ones keeping it a secret from me. “(Y/N)... I..I’ve know since the moment you were born. But father had sworn me into secrecy and I could not break a promise. This doesn't change anything though. You are still my sister and you will always be.” Bjorn says in a haste as tries to come closer to me, but I step back and move as far back as I can. “Did you know? Tell me! Ivar did you know that we were not siblings!” Ivar didn't even have to answer. I knew from the look in his eyes that he too had been lying to me.

“I knew.” Arthur says staring right at me. “I knew that you weren't his daughter and I knew that Ivar wasn't your brother. But I kept that information from you because all I wanted to do was have you by my side. I’m sorry, for the pain I have caused you (y/n). Im sorry for being selfish and not telling you the truth, but I now see that I was wrong and as of tomorrow you are free to go back to your country. I promise that your title and lands will not be taken from you or from the children. May they be mine or his. But I cannot go on with this facade anymore.” Arthur says in the most calm demeanour as he stands up and comes to me. “You hypocrite! How dare you make me feel like shit for harbouring feelings for Ivar when you knew all along and knew that my whole life was a lie.” I scream as I run at him and slap him across the face. But before I can get another punch in I feel a strong grip holding me from behind. From the shocks and the utter feeling in my stomach I knew it could have only been Ivar. As I try desperately to release from his vice grip, my whole world comes crashing down when Sarah enters the room. With blood all over her.

“Your highnesses...Erik.... he.. he..” She tries to say through her shock. “What! What is wrong with my son!” Ivar, Arthur and I scream at the same time. “He.. he’s dying!”

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We all simultaneously run after Sarah towards the doctors quarters. Ivar with his brace on, manages to run faster than all of us and busts the doors wide open. if I wasn't so worried about my son or upset about the fact they all knew Ragnar wasn't my father, I would've been impressed. “What are you doing! Get away from my son!” At that Ivar rushes towards the doctor who is bleeding Erik out. Grabbing him by the collar he slams the doctor on the wall and his sclera go into bluish hue, showing that he is in danger of breaking a bone. “Ivar stop it! Let the man go, he is just trying to help.” “Help my ass! I will not let you harm my son, do you understand me! I will not let you harm him!” At that Ivar lets the doctor go, but not without staring him down. And the doctor looking like he is about to shit himself. Rushing to Erik’s side I notice something strange. The colour of his skin is now fading and his eyes have bags under them. But what hits me the most is the memory of Uncle Rollo teaching me about poison. “He doesn't need to be bled, he needs medicine. He’s been poisoned...”

“Mama! What is wrong with Erik! He will be okay right? He has to be okay!” Marjorie begins to say as she shakes with fear. Before Arthur or I could say something to console her, Ivar bends down and takes her hands in his. “Marjorie, listen to me. Your brother is a fighter and so are you. After all were related aren't we?” Ivar says as he lifts her chin. “Yes..I suppose that we are. Is it true what they say though? Are you our father?” At that Ivar turns to me looking towards me for permission. At this point I think to myself how hard it was to learn my whole life had been a lie and that I would not want that for my children, so I nod. “Yes, Marjorie I am your father. And no your mother is not my sister. It was something that we had to say because she needed to be kept safe.” He says ever so calmly. “Safe from who?”She questions “From my mother. Your grandmother.”

Cough*Cough* Spurts of blood cover me in seconds. My attention becomes focused in on my son again. “Where is the damn antidote! Please someone hurry!” At that Hvitserk runs into the room with a small green vial. “Here take this it should help him. Lagertha gave it to me before her and father left. Something about it would come in handy some day. Here.” Shoving the vial in my hands I open it quickly and lift Erik’s head. “Drink this Erik. It should help you, my darling. Please be strong, I know you're scared, but you’ll be alright ok. Everything will be ok.” I say through tears. Today had been the worst day by far. “Mira... please help my son. I know you're always with me, but please help me now. Pray for my son and ask God to save him.”

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A few hours had gone by and nobody had moved from the room. Arthur sat on the chair next to the bed with his elbows on his knees, looking straight and focused in on Erik. Bjorn and Hvitserk sat by the fireplace and were wetting some towels so that we could place them atop Eriks head. I sat on the bed next to my son and caressed his beautiful face hoping for a miracle. I had dismissed Sarah and told her to take Marjorie with her, but she would not budge. Sarah left, but Marjorie stayed and sat in Ivars lap asking him if Erik would pull through. Ivar was sweet to answer as best as he could, and I could tell that he truly cared for his children even if his demeanour wasn't the greatest. I knew that deep in my heart I would have to let him get to know them, but it still hurt especially knowing that he now was married. “Wait, where is Freydis? I haven't seen her since yesterday.” I say looking towards Ivar. “I dont know earthier to be honest, she's probably looking at some damn flowers anyway. Its best if she's far away anyway.” “Why would you say that about your wi-” “she's not my wife, at least not yet. Were not actually married, (y/n). I just said that to piss you off.” Taking a deep breath I go to stand up from the bed in order to fetch a bucket of water and some new cloths. Instead I end up on the floor cradling my belly, with a burning sensation in my chest and blood pouring out from my mouth. “(Y/n)! Mama!” I can hear the shouts around me. “Fetch the doctor! Now hurry!” The voices around me begin to fade and not before long I can feel myself drifting away.

“My baby... Save my baby...” And with that everything turns pitch black...

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shirts181 · 4 years

Text

Random life vent

I remember being really happy as a kid/teenager, everything was awesome, always had friends and family around and did cool stuff, didn’t overthink about anything just lived my life as it came day by day. Not anymore. Before i dive into this, there’s going to be so many things im going to miss or havent remembered thats probably vital or important in relation to what im saying and as im re-reading over it ill realise i havent added something so yeah just a heads up, im a guy in his mid 20′s, majority of this my friends now dont even know about and i couldnt even imagine trying to explain all this shit to somebody i know, i guess thats why im here lol, i want to add and not sure if its related to how i turned out or not but growing up i was always on the shy side, wasn’t super shy but like when i would do shit like do a class presentation by myself id always go red and blush and sometimes get teary, not that i was sad or upset, id just get fucking teary like a dickhead lol, would use my hands when i talked and just overall looked like a nervous wreck. I was comfy around friends and family, could do whatever, didnt really care, if anything i felt like an extrovert around them, but when it came to being in situations i didnt know anybody, i plainly would just say nothing, not make an effort to really engage in conversation, just lay back and wait for that situation to be over til i was with my friends. If somebody approached me id obviously talk to them and whatever but rarely would i be the person initiating anything like that, was a bit of a idiot like that growing up lol. I’ve always been the person who wanted everyone to be happy, i was always oblivious to how other people like my friends had family or whatever issues growing up and the REAL impact it has on them, like divorced parents or they dont know their mum or dad or whatever that stuff, i knew people with depression and anxiety growing up and i was always open to talk to people about it, i LOVED being the friend to speak to if anybody was feeling like shit or wanted to vent, it made me feel really appreciated and id been given this trust to listen to what they have to say, like i might be able to make them feel better about what they had to say regardless of if i could properly help/change their circumstances and problems, but maybe put a smile on their face and make them laugh and let them know it’ll be ok without even being sure if it would, but i never would say that and 100% know it would be ok, but by saying that it might just give them some hope that things CAN be ok and they then believe it can change for the better. From the age of 16 i was super self conscious, i cared what people thought of me, not that im a super ugly guy or had anything dramatically wrong looks wise or how i was, but more so for me maybe like saying something and somebody over hearing it and me being like “oh fuck i should of said that” because it might sound bad or like having pimples (probably same as every teenager ever lol) or a bad hair day (literally) kinda thing. I cared how people portrayed me, i wanted everyone to know i was just average person who just wanted everybody to be happy, i made conscious decisions on what i said to who and where i said it, clothes i would wear depending on where i was going and who might see me, that stuff was like a necessity in my life, i wasn’t like ocd about that stuff because sometimes id be in situations where i know id be judged but still followed through, but something about me just fuckinggggg hated having somebody look at me a certain way and portray me differently to who i really am. I just re-read that and holy shit lol i sound like an idiot the way i’ve said what i’ve said, this is another thing about me maybe saying something and not accurately making it out to sound how i intend it to sound. Whatever rofl, now the real shit. I got diagnosed by a psych with anxiety when i was 18, this was the beginning of my mental downfall from then to this day. About 6-7 months of solid anxiety i could barely leave my house, was scared for no fucking reason, dont even know why, all i remember is my heart beating like crazy and feeling like i was going to pass out or whatever. This would happen mainly in social situations during and before even seeing others/doing things. I would work myself up to the point of crying, getting hives/being itchy everywhere on my body, nervously shaking and visually just looking terrified. I couldn’t drive properly because i’d get panic attacks and id feel like im about to pass out and i cant escape cos im trapped inside a car, traffic was the worst especially when i was alone, there was numerous times that i fucking cried in my car before and after id pull over to relax myself, how stupid is this shit? Why does this happen to people, how does this shit happen to ME, i dont even get why this all is even happening, im not an unhealthy person by any means so im not sick and didnt have symptoms of any illness, wtf is going on. How the fuck do i get over this, ended up seeing a psych because i had no idea wtf was wrong with me, bring in my diagnosis of having anxiety. While i was at home, i would hardcore grind out games on my computer, it made me feel normal and not like absolute shit, dont know why but at the time thats all that made me not feel like absolute shit and scared of being outside in the world. I took pills for this, tried to be active by exercising, playing sport and making an effort and forcing myself out of the house. At the start it was absolute torture, i didn’t ever think i’d get over this, it was that bad. I was on medication, couldn’t tell you what one because i just dont remember and never payed attention to medication names etc. Fast forward 6-7 months, i am actually feeling ok, i apply for jobs, go to job interviews with ease, im actually feeling really good like im making improvements in my life and progressing correctly by taking the next step, something i wouldn’t of thought of doing months earlier. I ended up getting a job and it was like a weight off my shoulders, i was excited, my parents were super happy with me for how far that i had come, i felt good as, potentially like im on track to success in living my life and being able to feel good again. As i got this job i was confident in going out and felt like i could properly just do shit, like i could be me again. This lasted about 15 months, i was ok to drive, i NEVER had a panic attack during this 15 months, i felt good af, when i drove i would even laugh at myself be like “why tf was i panicking? why was i such an idiot and getting worried over shit that cant and wont effect me and make me feel scared? why would i care about those things”, even in like social situations same thing, it was great. It all started to come back, slowly it like bloody crept its way back to being bad, but at this stage i was in denial, i was like na i can get over this i dont need to see anybody, but realistically i probably needed to. To this day i’ve never seen a psych about it, for the last 4-5 years ive almost just adapted to knowing im going to have panic attacks and feel like shit, iv learnt to cope and deal with it myself, the thought of me taking pills for this again scares me, why would i want to take pills to get better again when once i feel good, come off them, id get back into this state of mind and feel anxious again, and then repeat, why the fuck, seriously, why the fuck would i put myself into this potential scenario, i say potential because its a possibility, but thats not a risk im willing to take, people get addicted to this shit, ultimately what im trying to say is i dont want to be that person that gets reliant on taking pills to just having a functioning mind that doesnt make me feel scared and afraid, why cant i just shake this off? is there something im not doing? wtf is the cure to this shit? i know its not the pills because i dont want to become reliant on medications to make me happy. Im pretty convinced im depressed too, iv had serious thoughts about suicide, but i dont think im somebody who could actually commit to it, and if i was, i would probably make the decision to speak to somebody, but im stuck in a mindset where im not going to die from it, but i feel like shit all the time, i dont want meds, i dont know how to fix where im at pretty much, theres things that have happened to me the last couple years which have convinced me im a bad partner in a relationship, not for things i do but for what i unintentionally didnt do, im not a fulfilling boyfriend, ive either never obviously met the right girl for me or im just not fit to be a boyfriend, and thats what i think, how can somebody commit to me but im to stressed and worried about how my commitment to them might not be enough? the constant worry of not being a good boyfriend, when all i really want is for everything to be ok and happy, not that if things arent good or happy that thats a bad thing, i totally understand not everything is perfect and there are shit things that happen to people or in the world thats always going to happen, but i feel like, mainly with my last ex girlfriend, i felt like i was in a competition half the time to compete and get reassurance i was being a good boyfriend because i didnt know anything else, i was locked into this relationship i felt i couldnt escape, i so badly wanted out but was sucked into the mindset that if i left id have nothing and couldnt be with anybody because shes the only one who would be with me cos she already is, how the fuck do i overcome this, how do i get out? Its been a year since she ended up breaking up with me and pretty much for those reasons, i wasn’t up to par with her standards, i wasnt her dream boyfriend, for somebody who accepted my past issues with anxiety and letting her in on all my personal shit, if somebody who i thought cared for me leaves me, how could i ever convince or even get another girl to be with me knowing i have this weight and baggage of being a potential let down and not being able to be the person she needs me to be? Writing all this i thought id feel better but i kinda still feel like shit. I weighed up deleting this, i had it all highlighted ready to backspace and alt f4 this but fuck it i might regret not posting this, i guess thats why im here anyway. If you read all this sorry for the random bullshit, i re-read it and i sidetracked myself hard from what i was originally going to say but im kinda tired and was literally just typing anything that came to my mind andddd yeeeeaaaahhh.. peace

#anxiety #depression #latenightthoughts #venting #myreality #mylife #imisstheoldme #shellberightmate #bullshitery #mentalsuffering #mentalhealthissues

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inkskinned · 6 years

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literally just a dumb unorganized list of school tips

source: im a grad student. i’ve had a lot of school. also i’m adhd & mentally ill and require +8 organization. this is mostly directed @ college students, but maybe high school students can use it too, fuck, idk, it’s been forever since i was stuck in that hell hole

just say “professor” either ur using the correct title for a person (will make them feel good) or you’re giving them a bigger title on the assumption they deserve it (which will make them feel good) and also prevents having to ever i mean ever use their names

talk at least 1 time a week in each class, aim for 1 time a day. even lecture classes. i fucking hate talking in front of more than 5 people, so what i would do is prepare a question about the hw/etc (even if i didn’t need it answered) to ask the professor after class so they saw me and got used to me and saw i was invested in their class. about 89% of teachers - if they see you try, they will pass you. i mean it’s literally that easy. i know people who went from like a c- but because they legit tried, their grade got bumped up to a b-.

if u have to bring a laptop, pre-download the required material/screenshot it, and then turn off your wifi. it’s too easy to not listen.

physical writing will always give you more information recall over typing.

nobody cares about stupid shit anymore trust me they don’t remember that you were accidentally locked in a towel out of your room bc they have their own dumb shit that happened.... in college all the “cringe culture” turns into “god i wish that were me” culture ... wear ur onesie to a party trust me you make +800 friends and 799 of them will be girls telling you you’re adorable and they’d die for you

about locking urself out.... if ur like me and can breeze past post-it notes placed in obvious areas, don’t be a dumb bitch and rely on post-it-notes. while most schools offer 1 free lockout, dont rely on it - it once took 2 hours before someone could get to me. i was in a towel, which meant no phone. so like. anyway, what i do now is i put something on the handle of the door i have to open/unlock. i can’t just open the door w/out the thing falling down and making a loud “you dumb bitch unlock the door before u shower” sound.

this works for all important don’t-forget it things. other obstacles i’ve used to remind myself to do something include: putting a chair with my wholeass posterboard in front of the door, an entire printer with a single piece of paper that just read “for the love of god check to be sure you have that essay”, and a recycling bin i kept forgetting to empty. guess what bitch finally emptied the bin once it was between me and a swift exit!

no offense and like the whole “it’s the best years of your life!” thing is great but in reality everything goes better scholastically when you treat it as “i came here to win, not to make friends.” i still did make friends, went to parties every weekend, was popular enough i’d be invited to several on one night - but i came there to win. when i put my scholastic life and my mental health first, i went from a 2.0 to a 3.98. yes you can, bitch.

you’re spending the money. don’t squander it. trust me when i say i know plenty of people who breeze through, bc you often can. but like. don’t. challenge yourself bc like. talk about an investment.

if you hate your major, change it. don’t make your life something you can’t stand. on that note, do NOT agree 100% to a track until you have at least some experience in the field. i cannot tell u how many ppl i know who got their whole masters/phd program done, walked into their new profession, and were like, Oh Fuck, I Can’t Live Like This.

college literally offers so many free things and if you’re not taking advantage of them whenever possible i get it but like. try to take advantage of them. this is everything from your gym (which probably has free classes dude) to clubs to like. sober events. these sober events are so ... fuckin good dude i’ve made mason jars with little plants in em... bee aviaries... candles.... go to the free stuff

oh ps on free stuff i wanna say about 4 of 5 days there’s free food on campus just look for things like job fairs, presentations, or discussion groups. also while you’re there at the job fair like. u know, go to the job fair in earnest

i took off 2 years to work and also to just. recover from my bullshit. and it took me 6 years and 3 schools to get my bachelor’s. it wasn’t easy but bitch i lived. there’s no such thing as “too long” to graduate if that’s truly what you want to do.

if on the meal plan, eat as clean as you can the first week. then introduce each part of the cafeteria’s possibly-food-poisoning-creating foods one at a time. give @ least 2 days between each experiment so you know for sure if you get sick what caused it. i literally never eat meat at school but you can still get sick off of unwashed lettuce/salad dressing that hasn’t been refrigerated properly/weirdass things you won’t even think of. this prevents like. dying in a public bathroom.

white loaf bread can be gross & boring. discount bakery section for your slightly chewy artisianal bread needs. if overstale, either toast it or dunk it into water and microwave it (unless u got an oven. use the oven if u can)

steal as many apples from the dining hall/events/etc as physically possible just do it they keep FOREVER and @ some point you’ll be like. fUCK i need a nutrition. ps if you’re keeping them in ur backpack (i wouldn’t keep more than 2) make sure to wrap w/a few paper towels so if you drop your bag you don’t get apple mush

write it all down bitch. “i’ll remember it” no you won’t. unless you are capable of remembering every idea on this list and in order, you won’t remember it. in general, if you write something 3 times, you will recall it correctly at least 80% of the time. i also read it out loud to myself, bc, you know, auditory recall

DO NOT just put your assignment at the top of your notes, unless you’re 100% sure that will work for you. in most cases, it’s much better to have a planner/agenda/place you expect to look for assignments. +7 points if you lie to yourself about deadlines and move them all up.

like not to sound too much like a DARE ad but like. if you don’t like it/don’t want it, don’t fuckin do it. the idea that “there’s nothing to do if you don’t party” is such bullshit. like i promise if you’re like “i am a grouch and want to stay in and binge netflix” about 45 ppl will show up in pjs like “bitch fullscreen it, im a grouch too.” there’s also like. the chance to just.... not overindulge. on wednesdays i have “wine wednesdays” where we sit around and drink a glass of wine while we do our hw. it’s chill and friendly instead of like. drink until u vomit. don’t feel like you either gotta slam the breaks or the gas pedal, is what i mean.

PLEASE know the signs of alcohol poisoning/overdose. most schools have a “Safety Always Matters Most” policy, which means that you can call for help w/out getting into trouble. if you think someone is in danger, act. this also goes for making sure ppl get home safe even if they’re just incapacitated, not poisoned. step in, dudes.

also just. notice when ur starting to rely on stuff too much. i’m super easily addicted to things, so i keep a healthy distance from liquor. i don’t let myself “drink to feel better” bc that’s a scary, scary thing to link to feeling better. if you or somebody u know starts drinking all the time/gets anxious if they don’t drink/drinks in the daytime .... get help. schools have counselling services for a reason.

you’re gonna get a cold/flu of some sort in the first 2 months just brace for it. in the meantime, drink vitamin c, try not to touch too many handles, and when people say “there’s something going around” believe them.

watch kaplan nike just do it

if you can teach it, you know the material. a super good way of knowing if you studied the right way is to try and teach the material to a stuffed animal/imaginary class.

“i don’t know how to study” bitch me too the fuck. this is usually bc we’ve been taught that studying is just sitting down and staring @ ur notes. it’s not. it’s different for everyone, and you need to understand it’s 99% preventative care. if you don’t go to the class or do the homework, studying is going to fucking suck, bc you’re learning the material all at once for the first time. the place you should consider “studying” is “i’m confident in 70-90% of the material, but need to review.” do not let yourself fall behind .... just go to office hours and ask questions if ur not getting something. studying should feel like you’re remembering what you already knew but kinda forgot, not like you’ve been blindsided.

the whole “writing it down in ur own words” while u have been told this 700 times it really helps bc it means u gotta translate it through your own understanding. if you can’t, and it’s not bc the material seems too obvious to you to state in another way - ask yourself if you don’t understand the material. chances are u are missing a bit of info.

i know it’s like A Thing that Some People do but i never had the mental health points for it but i know some people just take 15 minutes after every class to review their notes. since i’m 100% early to every class ever, obnoxiously so, i try to do it before class. having the last class’s notes up in my head super helps. like. put down the phone i know you’re socially anxious me too but review those notes. chances are if u start flipping through pages other ppl will too. this is also fun bc as soon as you start this whole thing, at least one person will be like “is there a test?” no bitch there’s no test but im gonna be ready when there is!

literally so much of success is fucking posturing i could link about 800 peer-edited studies that show that when a student is expected to do well (and knows they are), they do well. like i literally didn’t change my appearance at all, never bothered to look nice (once winter hits i wear 67 layers all the time), but when i showed up after my 2 years off from school, i presented myself with the whole “i came here to win” vibe and people... really respected me? i mean in hs i remember ppl saying shit like “yeah, well, you aren’t gonna have the homework”. by the time i was in college i had an honest-to-god conversation which included someone being like “so tell me what you’re overachieving at right now” like they just expected it from me. wild.

i live by “bite off more than you can chew, and then CHEW IT” but it’s probably unhealthy. the truth is that i have a lot of energy all the time (lmao adhd!!!) and i used to get told i was “trying too hard” and for a long time (still???) i didn’t (i don’t?) know what that was, you know, bc i had a D average, clearly i wasn’t trying. it turns out i was just. putting all my energy into stuff that wasn’t making me happy like toxic friendships etc. when i decided “nope, all this energy is for me and my schoolwork”..... uhhhhh suddenly i was a golden child and everyone praised my try-hardness ... it’s a fuckt up system tbh

take at least 1 class just for fun. i try to do that every semester. it helps break up all the requirements. if you’re like an engineer and got no time or credits left to spend, try to audit your fun course.

make ur advisor love you i don’t care what it takes make them cupcakes show up to thank them i dONT CARE just do it

the library isn’t always the best place. if i start getting anxious bc i pavlovian train myself that library=work, i find a new place to go to do hw. try to go outside if you can!!! not like where i live bc like it’s snow all the time but try. a little green really really really helps depression.

if you’ve been in the same “Studying” place for 1 hour and haven’t done anything the chances are Something Isn’t Right. first, look @ ur body. are you not focusing bc of some pressing physical need? sometimes just taking a shower and coming back helps. are you uncomfy? are you too comfy and going to sleep? if body okay, look @ the material. do you not understand it? do you just need to switch to a new topic for a little bit? can you find a youtube video that will help you better understand it? make notes on what you don’t get so you can ask in the next class. if it’s not the material, it’s not ur bod, check the Actual Space. sometimes just getting up, going for a short walk to a new place, and trying it there actually? really works? if none of this is working.... try ur brain next. hardest to reset bc like, what, turn it on and off again? i use things like caffeine, a short workout, a nap, or a podcast all to just... give me a little boost.

don’t be afraid to leave. i mean this about class, friend groups, and the college ur at. just get up on outta there if ur not feelin it. i cannot recommend “drop the class” enough. even if it’s a required course see if u can switch the times if u hate the professor day 3 it’s not gonna get better just get the fuCK out

don’t nap in the same position u go to sleep in, nap upside down w/ur head away from ur pillow. don’t ask me why but it works to 1. fall asleep faster 2. make sure u sleep okay at night and 3. wake up less annoyed

on that note don’t ever do anything in ur bed in a sleeping position unless it’s genuinely sleeping in it. body will get confused. just sit up, lazybones.

when/if the library has those therapy dogs during finals week.... just go pet them make the time for it

ask before hugging people, but don’t expect a “yes”

get a backpack that fits and doesn’t hurt ur back u fuckin hippie idc how cool it is to wear ur backpack super low just don’t do it it’s not worth it

the tutoring center is a fucking goldmine.... free essay edits my dudes

bring a fan dorms are always hotter than u expect

switch dorms if u can if u realize ur in the wrong room/wrong roomate like just don’t bother with nonsense

when in doubt, follow preschool rules. tell ppl when they did something cool, just ask when u need help, and be confident even in your mistakes, because at least u tried

#anyway

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forevermyland · 5 years

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Ending of Akasuki no Yona

Beware, it is long but good content! :)

Recently I have been seeing some posts all around different social media platforms about the ending of Akatsuki no Yona on its way. I am here to disagree, although I do understand why people are saying that because we are closer to the ending than we were last year and the year before and the year before that.

Now, Kusanagi might not even reveal some of the stuff that I think should be revealed. However, if I was her, I would write about all of the things/topics I am going list. So here we go (these are not in order)!

1. The current arc — the war is not over, Soowon is nowhere to be seen, Hak and Yona need to be reunited, the dragons, Yoon, Hak and Yona need to be reunited and this whole mess with Kueblo needs to end.

2. The relationship between Hak and Yona — it’s been 172 chapters we have gotten a few... eh? kisses from Hak and one kiss from Yona. Hak has confessed. Yona tried but completely failed and left us disappointed smh, but it’s okay because we blame Yoon.

3. Freaking Gobi — the mothertrucker no one likes!

4. One Dragon God Thingy — That dragon that protected Yona in the war Xing vs Gobi’s people, remember that? Well I’m pretty freaking sure that something similar might happen. Key word: similar. That’s the one thing Gobi and I agree on... well he wants it to happen with dark intentions, that I don’t agree on but he thinks it’s gonna happen again and me too.

5. Dragon Warriors Part 1 — Everyone is worried about how much older Jea-ha is compared to the rest of the dragons (other than Zeno), which I understand why, he is getting up there in age and according to the previous dragons lifespans, people should be concerned. However did you ever think that this could possibly be the last generation of the dragons? The whole reason why the dragon warriors exist is for the reincarnation of King Hiryuu (and of course King Hiryuu himself). We’re all pretty confident that Yona is the reincarnation of him, soooo what does that mean? The only reason why the dragons stayed alive all these years is for the reincarnation of King Hiryuu. Anyways, Jea-ha and the others might live as long as the first generation if a new one doesn’t coming popping out.

6. Dragon Warriors Part 2 — Zeno is the one we worry over most for obvious reasons. However, Kusanagi could take this two ways. Keep Zeno alive or send him to the heavens. Like I said before, this could be the last generation of the dragon warriors so why would Zeno need to be alive anymore? Unless the gods want the dragon warriors to remain alive. But, I don’t think so. So, I think that once this whole entire thing is over, Zeno could be stripped of his immortality and finally go to the heavens. King Hiryuu didn’t seem happy when he found out Zeno was immortal. Why keep him immortal once his job on earth is done?

7. Soowon and Yona — They have talked, yes. But not about the thing we really want them to talk about. Yona did say that they needed to sit down and talk but they never really did speak about her father, they spoke about Xing and Kouka.

8. Soowon and Hak — They have seen each other, they have... umm spoken? More like Hak screamed at him but yeah. I don’t know if this will happen but I feel like it might. I don’t know if Hak will even be able to hold a conversation with Soowon but I know Hak wants to know why Soowon betrayed him and Yona. The true reason.

9. Reasoning behind Ill’s Death — this could go with number 7 and 8 but I want to put it separate. Soowon said that he killed Ill because Ill killed his father, Ill’s brother, Yuhon. However, people thought Yuhon died in an accident. Sooo what the heck? I bet there is a story behind it. I don’t think it was an accident, but I also am not sure if Ill killed his brother in cold blood but wait... as I write/type this what if Yuhon KILLED Kashi!?!??! And then Ill wanted revenge?!? Oh my lord, I need to stop, different topic and not much information. But I’m pretty sure (hoping) that this topic will be touched on.

10. Queen Kashi — Another topic I’m not quite sure if it will be focused a lot on. We know very little about her but we know Yona cares about her quite a bit, and wants to know more. She also now knows that Lady Iguni knew her mother fairly well. I really hope that this will be touched on because I’m very interested in Yona’s mother. And the theory I just came up with a number 9, I have to only assume that if that theory is true then she has to be brought up again.

11. The Throne — it’s kind of like Game of Thrones up in there. People want to Soowon on the throne but other people want Yona on the throne. Who will sit on the throne in the end? Yona is gathering up her army with allies and her dragons. Soowon is a good king with good(?) intentions but citizens like the Fire Tribe and Wind Tribe have showed their loyalty to Yona. And both General Joodoh and Advisor Kye-Sook have expressed their worry over this.

12. Hak — I still can’t get over this, I’m sorry! I know now that Hak’s parents died when he was 2 in the war against Xing 16 years ago, along with Mundok’s family. Even so, I just have a feeling that something, anything will be revealed in the actual manga (more like hoping but you get what I mean). Already ranted on all of this so I’m not gonna say much here but I really think that Hak being adopted needs to discussed at some point.

13. Ending — how will this story end, ya know?

- Disclaimer: Don’t take my word for any of this! Im just assuming and hoping. It’s all up to Kusanagi. Also, these obviously won’t have their own arc. I hope these will all be addressed but I’m not demanding it at all, it’s not my story.

- Now, I read somewhere that somebody thinks that the series is going to end in August and I’ve also heard that the series probably won’t go up past 250 chapters, which it’s probably not because this isn’t Fairytail with 500 chapters buuut, there is still quite a bit that should/needs to be revealed.

Kusanagi updates bi-monthly and sometimes once a month. So that means up to 24 chapters at most, however there have already been months where she only updated once so I don’t think we will be getting 24 chapters this year. I know a lot can happen in 24 chapters but Kusanagi likes to take her time and make it good (bless her). She’s also been working on this for about a decade, I don’t think she’ll rush the ending. If you do that math, 172+24=196. Not even 200 (I know it’s stupid, only 4 chapters off but still). Like I said earlier, we’re most not likely getting 24 chapters this year. So no, I don’t think the series will end in August and not this year either.

I could keep going but this is getting lengthy.

Again, this is all assumption. Please don’t take my word for it. Thank you for reading. :)

#akatsuki no yona #yona of the dawn #yona

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boxinc · 5 years

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ask meme

tagged by @sylferino

1. What takes up too much of your time? Video games honestly

2. What makes your day better? Hanging with friends in voice chat and shit, also video games.

3. What’s the best thing that happened to you today? Caught a porygon in pokemon go!

4. What fictional place would you like to go to? Minecraft babeey

5. Are you good at giving advice? Yeah I like to think so, took a while for me to feel comfortable giving friends advice and i feel more confident about it now than I ever have.

6. Do you have a mental illness? I think so, got recommended to see a therapist from my physical doctor after he observed i had signs of depression after my parents’ divorce, but i never went.

7. Have you ever experienced sleep paralysis? No, hope i never do

8. What musician inspires you the most? Video game music? cant think of any actual genre in particular i listen to a lot

9. Have you ever fallen in love? Had a few crushes, but haven't fallen in love yet

10. What’s your dream date? I have no experience in dating but i think it might be hanging out in my or her house and just hanging out and shooting the shit together

11. What do others notice about you? I dunno, maybe that i’m quiet? (if it’s not my friends), a few strangers have said I have nice eyes though

12. What’s an annoying habit you have? I drink Dr Pepper when I’m thirsty, i need to stop

13. Do you still talk to your first love? See No. 9

14. How many exes do you have? 0

15. How many songs are in your playlist? No playlist really, just listen to shit on youtube

16. What instruments can you play? I can play a few LoZ OOT songs on piano

17. What do you have the most pictures of? Cats

18. Where would you like to go before you die? Maybe like France? or Japan? Heard they’re cool places to go.

19. What’s your zodiac? Libra

20. Do you relate to it? Dont know

21. What is happiness to you? Hanging out with friends, relaxing without anyone barging in, all in all just doing my own thing.

22. Are you going through anything right now? Still a bit worried about my future right now, what im gonna do after college, how im gonna finance living on my own, etc.

23. What’s the worst decision you ever made? Iunno, probably made a lot of mistakes in the past but whatever, cant change it right?

24. What’s your favorite store? Fuckin Stater Bros near me, can get TWO 6oz filets for $12

25. What’s your opinion about abortion? Pro Choice

26. Do you keep a bucket list? No

27. Do you have a favorite album? I dunno

28. What do you want for your birthday? Some DND stuff, maybe a game I’m excited for

29. What are people’s first impressions of you? I’m quiet, but very passionate about certain topics and can talk longer once i get comfortable with someone.

30. What age do you seem according to most people? I dunno, like, some people think im a little younger? so like 19?

31. Where do you keep your phone while you’re sleeping? On my nightstand, sometimes next to me on the bed if i fall asleep listening to something on my phone.

32. What word do you say the most? It’s either fuck, shit, or um

33. What’s the oldest age you would date? like, 25 or 26 maybe

34. What’s the youngest you would date? I think 20, the idea of dating someone 3 years younger than me seems odd, i’d rather them be close to my age or a little older than me maybe.

35. What job/career do most people say would suit you? A lot of people/teachers recommend me to look into either engineering or programming, could be a good path

36. What’s your favorite music genre? Video Game

37. If you could live in any country in the world, where would it be? Maybe like, Canada? or somewhere in Europe

38. What is your current favorite song? The Glorious Octagon of Destiny

39. How long have you had this blog for? Fuck dude i dunno

40. What are you excited for? FUCKIN HOLLOW KNIGHT SILK SONG BABEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY

41. Are you a better talker or listener? I feel like i can do both good, but with new people initially i listen better.

42. What was the last productive thing you did? cleaning my got dam room!

43. What do you want for Christmas? see No. 28

44. What class do you get the best grades in? Theoretically it’d be math but i never did any fuckin homework, so it’s actually like, art classes since they had no homework and were relatively easy

45. On a scale of 1-10, how are you feeling right now? eh like a 7

46. What can you see yourself doing in ten years? Hopefully in a stable job that lets me pay rent and live relatively financially safely, spending time with friends and shit, maybe in a relationship.

47. When did you get your first heartbreak? Never been with anyone, but i think the worst i’ve ever felt in terms of romantics was when i was in high school on valentines day and two girls walked by me and one of them asked me out as a joke and ran off laughing with her friend, that shit hurted real bad, especially since i had REALLY SHIT feelings about myself back then.

48. What age do you want to get married? Sometime in the future

49. What career did you want to have as a child? I wanted to be a game tester, because “play video games for money!” until i learned it was vastly about bug testing and repeating bugs over and over to find out what caused them.

50. What do you crave right now? Crab. I’m always craving crab.

This was fun, if you’re reading this you can say I tagged you

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mkayisinsane · 5 years

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Another 11/11/11 Tag Game!!

I was tagged again haha thanks @spilledinkpot for the tag, I really appreciate it! Again, sorry I took so long!

Her questions:

1. Are any (or all) of your ocs inspired by real people or other characters?

Not all of them, and much less so as I get older, but in my early writing every character had a real-life counterpart. Most often, my protagonist's best friend or most trusted person is based off of my parabatai. However, I do pretty much always imagine myself as the main character, or sometimes the villain. Also, imagining yourself as your OC aids the writing process SO MUCH I cannot stress that enough.

2. What is/was your inspiration for your current WIP?

I have a lot of current WIPs, I'm gonna go with my most recent, Flirting with Death. My inspiration was kinda morbid, I was literally sitting in the library at my college waiting on my mother to get me so we could carpool to a funeral. And a few guys were walking past where I sat, eyeing me up and down and I thought to myself, "I swear if one of them tries to hit on me right now I'm gonna make them regret it." And then Thana Carmichael was born. And those guys quickly escaped the death glare I gave them.

3. Do you prefer to plan your characters out, or develop them as the story progresses?

I normally have the base of my character and their personality and how they handle things worked out before I start writing them, but for the most part I develop them as the story progresses. I like to write them in such a way that I learn a little more about them as I go, just like the reader would.

4. How do you deal with writer's block?

I don't lol just kidding! It really depends, if I'm writing and I don't absolutely have to continue or get it done right then, I take a break. Listen to musical soundtracks, play video games, watch a film who's genre corresponds with the type of scene I'm writing. Anything with a story. If I do have to get it done right then though, I just keep writing. I write absolute shit that makes no sense and then take it out later. I once wrote a whole page of "blah" over and over again. I free write until I get my mojo back.

5. What/who first encouraged you to begin writing?

According to my earliest childhood babysitter, I've been writing since I learned the alphabet. I remember once when I was six, I wrote a whole six page book with pictures I drew about why I thought birds were pretty and cool (Update: I am now afraid of birds.) It was titled "BIRDS," yes in all caps, and I cried because my name was so long that I couldn't fit the whole thing on the cover. However, I didn't start really writing until about 6th grade. I was reading a book, and the ending was so sad that I got mad and rewrote it, and I realized how much I loved making stories, how much I loved choosing my own ending. In my life as a child, nothing was certain and I never stayed in one place for too long or made any lasting friendships, but writing was always a constant for me. And through writing I made more friends, and they helped me write and it was just incredible. I can't put into words how much writing has done for me.

6. Are you able to write everyday, or need a couple of days intermediate?

For my WIPs, I definitely need a day or two off before I continue the story but I definitely try to write something every day, even if it's just free-writing or ranting about my day or journaling, I write something every day. It isn't progress on my WIPs, but it helps.

7. How long have you been writing for?

In general, since about age 6 or 7. Seriously, about 6th grade, but I didn't like any of my writing until 8th grade, and at times I don't even now. So in general, 12 or 13 years, but seriously only about 7 or 8 years.

8. What inspired your first WIP?

The Percy Jackson series. I was 10 or 11, and I had just finished that series and I was mad there wasn't more, so I wrote myself into the books as like a spin-off type thing with the minor gods (btw in case anyone cares, I'm a Hades kid). Seven chapters in, my OC still hadn't left her house. It was not my finest work haha

9. Who are the authors that you looked up to, to develop your writing?

Lemony Snicket (yes I know that's a pen name, but I mean A Series of Unfortunate Events specifically), Neal Shusterman with his Unwind series, Marie Lu with literally anything she's written, Cassandra Clare with The Infernal Devices and The Mortal Instruments, J.K. Rowling with Harry Potter (I'm a huge Potterhead, Slytherin btw), Rick Riordan with anything he's ever written, Leigh Bardugo with anything she's ever written but mainly Six of Crows, and Oscar Wilde with The Picture of Dorian Gray. Probably many many more, I'll think of them later.

10. Is there a book that inspired you to write your own story?

Remember I mentioned that I didn't like the ending of a book I was reading so I rewrote it? That book was Bridge to Teribethia. If you read it, you know why I changed the ending. But also, I drew inspiration from books that made me feel like I was actually in the story, like I could see it all for myself. The stories felt real, and I wanted to be able to tell stories like that. To travel the world without leaving my room.

11. Do you include moral points in your writing, or prefer just the entertainment?

There is always something to take away from my writing, some lesson to be had, whether it be an emotion, a theme, a vice, or a virtue. I can't promise it's always moral, but it's always there.

My questions:

Which of your OCs fits the quote, "those with no vices have very few virtues"?

If you could meet just one of your favorite authors, dead or alive, who would it be?

What is your number one goal as a writer? (i.e. have your books taught in schools as "classics," write a series that makes people cry, get fanmail, mine personally is to create the perfect villain that no one can hate no matter what they do)

Do you project onto your writing?

Favorite ship you've written? Why?

Do you write LGBTQ+ characters? Why?

Do you write characters with mental illness? Why?

Have you ever tried to get published/actually been published?

What keeps you motivated to write?

What is your writing support system?

Do you write book dedications, and if so, are they always different?

And this concludes our 11/11/11 tag game! If I've tagged you and you have no clue who I am, I'm sorry lol I panicked tagging people but it means that either I follow you or you follow me. Rules are simple: answer my 11 questions, ask your own 11 questions, tag 11 people to answer them! Of course you don't have to play if you don't wanna, don't feel pressured to. If you want to tag me back or have me answer my own questions or just random questions, shoot me an ask. Thanks, and good luck!

@r-avenlee @writingmyselfintoanearlygrave @benvolio-writes @illiteracy-is-for-woozles @ill-write-when-im-dead @mercyandcruelty @crimescenedwrites @fictionalthrills @writerofscribbles @els-writes @gaslightwestern

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moldypieceoflasagna · 6 years

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36 questions that nobody asked me

(except @lollipoppedchainsaw )

(the 36 questions that lead to love or whatever) https://www.nytimes.com/2015/01/11/fashion/no-37-big-wedding-or-small.html

1. Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?

I hate going out to dinner so much i probably wouldnt be able to enjoy it properly

2. Would you like to be famous? In what way?

It would be interesting to see what it’s like for a short period of time, but i’d never be able to keep it up; i’d probably have an identity crisis

3. Before making a telephone call, do you ever rehearse what you are going to say? Why?

yes i have to mentally prepare myself 100% of the time

4. What would constitute a “perfect” day for you?

hanging out with the people i love is enough to keep me happy for a good while tbh. sitting around doing nothing literally nothing with them is endlessly entertaining to me even though sometimes i might make that hard to believe

5. When did you last sing to yourself? To someone else?

i sing to myself a lot, not so much to others- although i AM a slut for karaoke

6. If you were able to live to the age of 90 and retain either the mind or body of a 30-year-old for the last 60 years of your life, which would you want?

body because i feel thats probably what old people complain about most. plus like,, 90 years of life knowledge? sounds great to me

7. Do you have a secret hunch about how you will die?

probably an accident that’s almost statistically impossible

8. Name three things you and your partner appear to have in common.

single rn (ladies) but i usually try to find friends with similar music tastes because scream-singing in the car is the most fun one can have

9. For what in your life do you feel most grateful?

im most grateful for my dogs and for my friends! i love them and it means the world to me to have people that i can call family. also i would die without my dog juno, she is my rock (and my therapist)

10. If you could change anything about the way you were raised, what would it be?

Not rly how i was raised, but i wish i had a closer relationship with my older siblings. Three of them had moved out before i was rly old enough to not be an asshole child, so most of them still see me as an asshole child and they never take me seriously. im glad i have an alright relationship with them, but that’s kinda all it is and i know i could do better

11. Take four minutes and tell your partner your life story in as much detail as possible.

Lived in Texas my whole life yeehaw. I have 2 brothers and 2 sisters; 2 of them dont like me, and my relationship with the other 2 is,, certainly not bad. Had a lot of physical and mental illness in the past, but 20gayteen is definitely my year, yeet

12. If you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?

either speaking a different language or playing the piano. im very jealous of good piano players, and at some point i need to be able to speak a more useful language than french because so far in texas it’s proved absolutely useless (other than talking to my mom but that doesnt count)

13. If a crystal ball could tell you the truth about yourself, your life, the future or anything else, what would you want to know?

I’d wanna know wtf im supposed to do with my life because sweaty i still have no idea. passion? dont know her please introduce me

14. Is there something that you’ve dreamed of doing for a long time? Why haven’t you done it?

i wanna go skydiving bitch, no one wants to go with me! pussies!!! the lot of you

15. What is the greatest accomplishment of your life?

that one time i did an entire semester’s worth of work in the last three days of the school year

16. What do you value most in a friendship?

being able to put up with my huge fucking mouth. also honesty is super important, even if it’ll make me feel shitty

17. What is your most treasured memory?

when i went camping with a bunch of friends and they were bitter i got to be in the middle of the tent because they were all cold. either that or the time i was getting really bad sleep paralysis and @lonelywaterfall & @skity stayed over so my paranoia didnt render me completely useless,,, also the paramore concert lol ive never been more vulnerable in my life.

18. What is your most terrible memory?

coming out to my mom haha

19. If you knew that in one year you would die suddenly, would you change anything about the way you are now living? Why?

i’d go on a trip around the world to explore/to see a few people, and i’d put extra effort into my gender expression

20. What does friendship mean to you?

comfortable silence is my kink. also emotional vulnerability and SAD BOY HOURS we cant forget those

21. What roles do love and affection play in your life?

I’m such a slut for physical affection yall have no idea please hug me as much as possible and play with my hair or my hands

22. Alternate sharing something you consider a positive characteristic of your partner. Share a total of five items.

i guess ill do the same with previous partners so.. i think being funny is probably the #1 thing i appreciate in someone. when you make me laugh so hard i cry, just know that’s like. peak. also stubbornness is strangely attractive to me, plus like,,, uh having an unexpected soft side? an appreciation of art is super important, too. also SPOON VERSATILITY.

23. How close and warm is your family? Do you feel your childhood was happier than most other people’s?

it was probably happier than a lot of people’s but there wasnt much to it. plus being the youngest in my ENTIRE family really sucked during my childhood because everyone picked on me and i think that’s probably what started a lot of my issues lol

24. How do you feel about your relationship with your mother?

better than it could be, but definitely not what i want it to be. we both love each other and i admire her work ethic, but she gave me a lot of anxiety problems (both genetically and not) and she isnt the most understanding person. i have hope though, people change

25. Make three true “we” statements each. For instance, “We are both in this room feeling …

I’m hungry and sitting alone in front of my computer feeling like OVERSHARING ON THIS BEAUTIFUL THURSDAY MORNING, BOYS

26. Complete this sentence: “I wish I had someone with whom I could share …

many, MANY animals and a lighthouse in the middle of nowhere

27. If you were going to become a close friend with your partner, please share what would be important for him or her to know.

I’m REALLY insecure about my body xd

28. Tell your partner what you like about them; be very honest this time, saying things that you might not say to someone you’ve just met.

LOVE feeling safe.

29. Share an embarrassing moment in your life.

probably every time that i’ve ever worn a dress, because i really,, really dont like wearing dresses and that’s it

30. When did you last cry in front of another person? By yourself?

last cried by myself this morning and last cried in front of another person at my friend’s birthday party

31. Tell your partner something that you like about them already.

no partner but if youre reading this im rly proud of ur attention span. gj buddy

32. What, if anything, is too serious to be joked about?

i think most things can be joked about after a certain amount of time, but like,, it has to actually be funny and it has to come from someone i know isnt serious about it. if a joke is made just for the purpose of being offensive and edgy, it’s never funny no tea just truth.

33. If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone? Why haven’t you told them yet?

i’d regret not spending enough time with people that i love, not traveling as much as i should have, and also i’d regret not formally coming out of the closet to my family (they probably already been done knew but like. yknow). i came out to myself & the people closest to me a LONG ass time ago, but i’ve kinda seen what it did to my immediate family so im not too excited to do that to my extended family. if i’m not too much of a pussy, ill probably do it in the summer when i see them next, bc ive been meaning to for a while.

34. Your house, containing everything you own, catches fire. After saving your loved ones and pets, you have time to safely make a final dash to save any one item. What would it be? Why?

is it bad of me to say my computer? i feel like everyone else has a much more meaningful answer lol. it would probably either be that or the papers i keep on my bulletin board, bc most of them hold a lot of sentimental value (also my prescriptions would be a pain to get copies of)

35. Of all the people in your family, whose death would you find most disturbing? Why?

either of my parents because i dont want them dying before i reach the point where i can expect them to be happy for me when i marry a girl

36. Share a personal problem and ask your partner’s advice on how he or she might handle it. Also, ask your partner to reflect back to you how you seem to be feeling about the problem you have chosen.

personal problems? what’re those lmfao dont have any srry try me again later

i’m too much of a pussy to tag certain people so if you see this and I've had any sort of conversation with you, do it coward

(also @skity @drawinintherain )

#love exposing myself to people on the internet #hot

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horansqueen · 4 years

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AM Conversations : chapter 38

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14 || CHAPTER 15 || CHAPTER 16 || CHAPTER 17 || CHAPTER 18 || CHAPTER 19 || CHAPTER 20 || CHAPTER 21 || CHAPTER 22 || CHAPTER 23 || CHAPTER 24 || CHAPTER 25 || CHAPTER 26 || CHAPTER 27 || CHAPTER 28 || CHAPTER 29 || CHAPTER 30 || CHAPTER 31 || CHAPTER 32 || CHAPTER 33 || CHAPTER 34 || CHAPTER 35 || CHAPTER 36 || CHAPTER 37

NOTES:

- if you want to be notified when this is updated, please message me or leave a comment!

- you can send me questions and theories and comments. tbh they all make me SO SO SO SOOOO HAPPY! and make me want to write more! you can also tell me if there are things you WANT to happen. you never know, i may add it :P

- note for this chapter: a tiny smut scene, LOTS of discussions between them. btw he’s about to leave for his trip soon and then ill also skip a few weeks. was this chapter okay?

here are the ‘requests’ i added in this chapter!

Chapter 38 : His chapter

NIALL

I couldn't remember the last time I felt this happy with a steady girlfriend, or with a girl at all, so when she proposed to go ice skating, i couldn't say no. I was leaving soon and I wanted to spend as much time with her as i could, which resulted in basically being 24/7 together. I even followed her home when she needed more clothes or something and we also took our showers together. The only times we weren't together were pretty much only when we needed to use the bathroom but even then, sometimes, i would end up just doing nothing while waiting for her. I wanted to say I thought our commitment was too much and that our behavior was over the top but if I wanted to be honest, I didn't give a fuck about what it looked like. I wanted to be with her, so why should I stop myself?

"Can you even skate?" I asked, raising my eyebrows as she put her skates on.

She chuckled and I saw a cloud coming out of her mouth. It was cold, colder than we were used to for this time of the year, but she didn't seem to mind. She pulled on her beanie to hide her ears better and it made me smile a bit.

"Not really." she admitted with a shrug. "You know I suck at sports. But I thought it could be fun."

She got up and I did the same, searching for her hand to hold it in mine. We were both wearing gloves and I tried to squeeze her fingers as she pulled me closer to the rink. A bunch of people were already there and I was a bit annoyed to realize they were still playing Christmas songs even if we were in the middle of january. Did they want to kill us?

"Christmas songs never seem to end." I pointed out, groaning a bit and making her laugh.

"Oh come on, you love Christmas songs!"

"I'm overdosing." I just replied before slowly putting one foot on the ice.

Olivia was holding my hand a lot tighter and I realized she was trying to keep her balance. We ended up skating slowly together and the more time passed, the easiest it seemed to get. After a while, we were just skating slowly, still holding hands and enjoying the day. I noticed she kept glancing at our hands together and it sort of amused me.

"What?" I just asked, making her look up at me.

"Oh nothing." she replied with a shrug, her lips still curled.

"Does that bother you?"

I moved our hands up a bit to show her our intertwined fingers and she just shrugged again, shaking her head.

"No, no, I thought it would bother you though." she explained as I let our hands fall back between us. "You know, PDA and all."

"You know i'm not trying to hide you, right?"

Her smile turned into a soft one and she looked up in my eyes, glancing from time to time in front of herself to be sure not to trip. It made me want to kiss her.

"I know Niall, i've been around you long enough to know you just want to save this, to keep it private, and i'm okay with it, you know I am."

It was incredible how easily she understood me and I knew it was partially because we grew up together but I couldn't help but think it was also because our personalities just fitted so well together that we could just connect and understand each other. I was about to answer when she shrugged once again.

"As long as it's not because you're ashamed of me."

Her words hit me hard and I felt my heart jump in my chest from thinking she could believe that for one second.

"No way, no." I just let out, not really sure how to prove otherwise. "Look."

Without an other word, I brought her hand up, extending both our arms up in the air to show our intertwined fingers. She laughed but I could see her eyes sparkling and somehow, I loved it. She chuckled a bit and it's only when she almost tripped on her feet that I brought our hands down, trying to help her get her balance back.

"It's okay, Niall, you didn't have to do that, I trust you." she explained even if I could swear that my reaction reassured her. "Besides, you did sing for me in front of a public. That's hard to forget."

"Oh because you're trying to?" I joked, raising my eyebrows and pretending to be insulted. "That was unforgettable."

We had slowed down without realizing it and we finally stopped skating completely. She put herself in front of me, still holding my hand tight, and I sent her an amused smile as people kept moving around us.

"It really was the best moment of my life." she confessed so low that I barely heard. "Totally unforgettable."

I smiled more and bent down to kiss her but we both jumped when we heard someone say her name very close to us. She turned her head quickly before our lips could touch and her expression changed into a surprised one. I was a bit bothered that someone would disturb us but it quickly turned into annoyance when I realized who it was.

"Rian?"

I was not sure if she was happy or just surprised but when he hugged her, I suddenly felt out of place. I was pretty sure I was dating Holly when she started dating Rian and I remember being annoyed back then, too. He was too kind, too caring, too perfect.

"Oh my god, Rian, I haven't seen you since..."

He pulled away from her and laughed with a shrug.

"Yea I can't remember either, how have you been?"

They started chatting for a while and the fact that he ignored me didn't get unnoticed. I waited an other minute and finally coughed to get their attention before looking at him and sending him a fake smile. I was pretty sure he could read in my face that I wasn't super happy to see him but he didn't say anything.

"Horan, hey mate!"

He showed his hand and reluctantly, I slapped in it.

"Wherever Olivia is, Niall isn't too far." he added with a chuckle. "That's what everyone always said."

I held my breath at his words, a bit shocked that I hadn't heard that before even if apparently, all of our friends said it. It was even more surprising knowing that we were both taken yet our friends still took time to mention how close we were.

"I see it's still true!" he continued, realizing we weren't going to comment on it. "Still as close as you used to be?"

"Closer." I replied, searching for Liv's hand with mine and grabbing her fingers.

I saw his gaze fall on our hands and then he looked up with a cheeky smile. For some odd reason, I wanted him to lose that stupid smile.

"So it finally happened? I should have bet money on that." he joked, laughing a bit before my girlfriend joined it.

"Yea, it did." she just said before changing the subject. "What are you doing in London?"

"Oh, I moved here! It's been a few years actually."

He kept talking about what he had been up to in the past few years and I just turned to Olivia. She was staring at him, listening carefully to his words and laughing at his jokes, and my jealousy seemed to falter slightly. I tried remembering how i felt for her back then but all I could see in my mind was the first time i saw them kiss each other. I hadn't been jealous the way I was jealous now but it was still jealousy. Probably jealousy from seeing her happy with someone else than me, or jealousy because I knew she wouldn't be able to spend as much time with me as she used to. Either way, it was bad, and I had decided to focus on Holly instead.

"We should go."

I had no idea why I had said that but they both stopped everything and turned to me before Liv sent him a smile.

"He's right, it's getting late."

"Hey, give me your phone, i'll add my number and maybe we can hang out?"

Without thinking, I squeezed her fingers tighter as she handed him her phone with her free hand. It seemed to take forever until he gave it back and he got closer to kiss her cheek before shaking my hand again but it's only when he left that my grip on her fingers loosened a bit. I turned to look at her and I thought she would make a comment but she simply smiled at me and licked her lips.

"Let's go home, i'm dying for a cup of hot chocolate."

"Yea, good idea."

We left the rink and put our boots back before walking to my car in silence. I had the feeling I made things tensed between us but in the middle of the ride, she turned to look at me with an amused smile. I glanced at her and frowned but didn't have time to ask anything.

"Niall, I have no intention on seeing Rian again."

I shrugged, trying to show that I didn't mind, but it made her laugh.

"I noticed, you know." she started, making me frown more. "How you reacted around him. Even back then, when we were younger, you couldn't stand him."

"He was always sort of an arrogant prick." I mumbled with a groan, making her laugh even more. "I know he treated you well, and he really cared for you, and he was nice to you... but he was still an arrogant prick. And he still is."

This time, she laughed louder and it made me grimace but I couldn't help but enjoy her happiness and amusement.

"I give you that, he really is." she added before getting more serious. "And you clearly claimed your territory." she half-joked.

"I'm sorry, Liv." I apologized as I parked the car in my driveway.

I sighed as I stopped the car and we got out of it. We walked to the door and I unlocked it and after we put our skates and coats away, she followed me to the kitchen, sitting on the counter as she looked at me preparing us two cups of hot chocolate with marshmallows. She was swinging her legs and I noticed how her thick socks were rolled over her sweatpants. It made me smile more but I decided to focus on our drinks.

"You lost your virginity to this guy, didn't you?"

I asked but I already knew. Someone had told me about it and I had waited for her to share this information with me but she never had. I couldn't blame her, though, since I hadn't told her when and to whom I lost my virginity either. She wasn't answering and I finally looked up only to see her looking down at her hands as she was playing with her fingers nervously.

"Liv?"

"You were dating Holly and... Willie told me you had sex with her." she shrugged, still avoiding my eyes, and it made me sad. "I don't know, I guess I always had the dream that we'd do it together, so it sort of hurt me really bad."

"I'm so... so sorry, Olivia."

"No!" she let out, looking up at me and sending me a sad smile. "No, Niall, don't apologize, it's not your fault and you didn't owe me anything. I guess I just wanted to get rid of it too."

"Get rid of what?" I asked, bringing her her mug and standing in front of her as she took a sip.

"My virginity."

I stared at her for a few more seconds in silence as she drank more, making a grimace as she burned her tongue. I watched as she pushed a lock of her messy hair behind her ear and took a step closer, putting my untouched hot beverage on the counter. It caught her attention and she looked in my eyes again.

"The next day I saw Rian at a party and... yea, I invited him home." she admitted, shrugging a shoulder. "And we did it. And then we started dating."

I didn't know what to tell her and I just stared at her again, wishing I could take away all the pain I could see in her eyes. I regretted so many things yet I knew that apologizing wouldn't change anything and would probably just make her feel guilty so I just took an other step closer and put my hands on her thighs. My palms brushed on her pants and reached her waist as I tilted my chin up to look into her eyes.

"Do you wanna watch a movie before bed."

She sent me a fond smile and nodded slightly as her eyes moved from mine to my lips. I pulled her closer, her ass sliding on the counter and making her chuckle. She brought her free hand on my cheek, her palm very warm since she had held her mug for a while, and i smiled at her. She bent down slightly and our lips met as her fingers slipped down on my neck. Neither of us deepened the kiss. She just brushed her parted lips gently and very slowly against mine as we stared at each other.

"I'm a bit obsessed with you." she admitted in a low tone, the right corner of her mouth moving up. "I'd literally lock myself in your room with you and fuck for days."

I laughed against her mouth and nibbled gently on her bottom lip, making her smile more.

"Yea?"

"Oh yea."

I pulled away a bit and let my eyes fall on her lips as I felt her thumb rub softly on the skin of my neck. She wrapped her legs around my waist and pulled me even closer to her.

"Don't tempt me."

She started laughing and kissed me again before loosening her grip and letting me move back. She put her mug on the counter and got down before following me to the living room. We remained silent as I turned the tv on and the lights off and she brought a blanket on the couch. We ended up cuddling under it while a Christmas movie was playing. She was leaning against my chest, between my legs, and I let my fingertips brush gently on her arm, giving her goosebumps. I felt like we were exactly where we were supposed to be and nothing else seemed to matter.

She tilted her head up and I looked down, sending her an amused smile before she sent me a fond one. I moved closer and kissed her lips again. Slowly, she turned around and got on her knees, her mouth still attached to mine, as i let my arms rest on the back of the couch. She deepened the kiss and moved her knees on each sides on my thighs to straddle me. I gripped the couch hard with both hands when she pressed her inner thighs against my cock and groaned in her mouth. I couldn't stop thinking about her wet pussy rubbing against me and drenching her panties and I finally brought my hands to her face to cup her cheeks, pushing my back away to sit straight.

"You're such a little tease." I whispered with a smirk as my hands slid down on her sides to reach her waist.

I tried to slip my hand past the waistband of her sweatpants but she grabbed it and brought it back to her waist, allowing her lips to leave mine but still remaining very close.

"Don't move." she whispered as she started rubbing herself quickly over me.

I could feel my dick swell against her and I whimpered very low when her pussy ground against my tip. The friction was becoming too much and I started feeling an orgasm form in the pit of my stomach. It was unbelievable how quickly she could make me cum and I brought my hands to the bottom of her shirt, moving it up over her breasts. I reached in her back to take her bra off and grimaced in annoyance when I realized I was struggling. I was too horny and couldn't focus on anything else but how she moved over me. She chuckled and stopped moving to help me take her bra off and my eyes immediately fell on her breasts. I ran my hands up on her sides before grabbing both gently. She started moving again and I reached for one of her nipples with my mouth, running my tongue on it before moving to the other.

"Fuck, i'm so close." she whimpered, running her hand in my hair and pulling on it slightly. "Oh.. oh god."

My hands gripped her waist tighter, my fingers sinking on her skin, as I helped her move over me.

"Do it petal, cum for me, soak your panties just for me." i let out low in a husky voice.

Her grip tightened in my hair and she started shaking over me. I watched her for half a second but couldn't stop myself from reaching in her panties. Quickly, I rubbed her clit through her orgasm, making her eyebrows raise and her lips part. The sight was beautiful and the feeling even better. She came on my fingers and the whole thing was so sexy I almost got an orgasm too. She bent down to kiss me but I quickly put my fingers in her mouth and watched her suck on them, taking them completely in her mouth, as she grabbed my hand with both of hers.

"Dry humping has never been so hot." I admitted with a laugh as she took my fingers out of her mouth with a low 'pop'.

I let my fingers slide between her breasts, leaving a wet trace on my way as my eyes followed them down.

"You drive me fucking insane." I admitted before looking back up at her.

"Where do you want to cum?" she just asked, ignoring my comment, and without thinking, I moved my eyes on her breasts again.

My cock was painfully hard by then and when she got off of me, I groaned, wanting to just pull her back on top of me. She held her hand out and I took it before getting up too. She tilted her head and the smirk she sent me almost made me cum right then. Slowly, she got on her knees and unzipped my pants before quickly pulling them down and bringing my boxers with them. She took my cock with both her hands and started stroking it as I watched her but it didn't take me long to be close to my orgasm again.

"Fuck..." she let go of me and I started jerking myself off as she moved up on her knees, bringing her upper body closer to me. "I've been thinking about cumming all over your tits a lot recently."

She bit her bottom lip and cupped her breasts for me, tilting her head again and raising her eyebrows up.

"Please do it, i'm really craving your cum right now." she whispered. "I really want it all over me."

She looked so innocent and vulnerable that one of my legs started shaking as I came on her breasts. I groaned when I got down from my high, rubbing the tip of my cock in my cum to spread it on her more but focusing on her nipples. The feeling was amazing and I could swear I heard her whimper too. I was panting and my whole body was throbbing but I just closed my eyes, trying to get my heartbeats back to a normal pace.

"Come here." I said, bending down a bit to help her up before kissing her gently. "I'm really thinking about your proposition. Locking ourselves in here for weeks seems like the only solution."

She laughed against my mouth and i did the same, not really sure how long we spent just kissing each other. All I knew was that the movie was over when we pulled away and I took a step back.

"You need a shower." I pointed out, glancing down at her breasts and making her chuckle. "And so do i."

We cleaned quickly in very warm stream of water and ended up in bed again, the lights off and the room in complete silence. There were so many things rushing to my brain and even if I knew we had so many things to talk about, the only thing that came out of my mouth surprised me probably more than it surprised her.

"Did you love him?" I asked low, my hands behind my head.

I tensed at my own words and stopped moving but I could swear she could hear my heartbeats echo against my chest.

"Who, Rian?" she asked, turning her head my way. "No, not really. I mean, I liked him a lot, but it was nothing like love."

I just nodded but remained silent, feeling stupid for even asking. I didn't know why I had been so jealous earlier, when we saw him, and I would never stop her from seeing her friends, but I couldn't pretend I wasn't happy that she had no intention on calling him.

"What about you?" she asked in a soft voice, turning her whole body my way. "Which of your ex girlfriends did you love?"

My lips curled into a smile and I closed my eyes for a few seconds before doing what she did and turning my body her way to face her. I blinked a few times to see her better as my eyes got used to the darkness and I could read in her face that my answer was making her nervous. I brought my hand up and moved a lock of her hair behind her ear.

"I thought I loved a few of them.. very few of them." I pointed out, the right corner of my lips moving up as my eyes roamed on her. "But then I admitted to myself that I loved you and it made me realize that what I felt before, for the other girls... it wasn't love. Nothing felt half as good, intense and real as what I feel for you."

Her eyes seemed to flutter and she moved closer to press her lips against mine slowly and softly. I moved my arm around her waist and kissed her back very gently.

"Now that I think about it, I wish I would have lost my virginity with you." I confessed again in a whisper. "We were close, the closest I ever was with a friend, and I trusted you more than I trusted any of the girls I dated. We should have lost our virginity together, Olivia. I'm sorry I didn't realize that before."

She didn't answer but I knew she felt the same. It was too late, though, and it's impossible to go back in the past but at least, she knew I regretted it. If I had known back then what I know now, things would have been different. It was stupid to dwell on the past but it was important for me to tell her that I was sorry, even if I couldn't change it.

I kissed her again, my lips brushing against hers and feeling her warm breath on my skin. I had never felt like that with anybody and it was scary to think it was the first and last person i'd feel that way for but I knew it was true.

"I want to spend my life with you."

The way she had whispered made me shiver but her words made something jump in my chest. She was literally telling me she wanted me to be the last lover she'd ever have and the thought suddenly scared me. I could feel my heart thump hard and fast in my chest and I swallowed, unsure of what my answer should be. I didn't want to tell her that life isn't easy, that things and people change, and that we had no idea where we'd be in a year, even if it was exactly what I thought, because i didn't want to hurt her. Not again. I had hurt her enough before, she deserved to be happy now and today had been too perfect to end up on a bad note by stating ugly facts and inevitable truths. Plus, I loved her more than anything but I was still 22, and life was long and tough.

I pulled her closer to me and stared in her eyes for a few seconds, telling myself that there was no way I was ever going to lie to her, and just decided on telling her how I felt and what I was totally sure about.

"I love you, Olivia." I whispered back. "I want you to know that no matter what happens, I will always love you."

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creaturebloom · 6 years

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this is a 65 question ask meme and im the bitch that’s filling it all out at once to waste time

1. Do you ever doubt the existence of others than you? oh yeah definitely, but it’s usually the other way around where everyone else is real and i am not

2. On a scale of 1-5, how afraid of the dark are you? idk like a 2.5 i guess

3. The person you would never want to meet? i mean. i don’t know ??? how can i know who i don’t want to meet until i have met them and decided they’re the worst

4. What is your favorite word? akimbo

5. If you were a type of tree, what would you be? i would WANT to be a weeping willow, but in all honesty i’d probably be a birch or some type of maple

6. When you looked in the mirror this morning what was the first thing you thought? i honestly cannot recall

7. What shirt are you wearing? a grey pajama shirt

8. What do you label yourself as? the skeleton god

9. Bright room or dark room? i mean if we’re talking the absolute brightest room vs the absolute darkest, i suppose i would pick brightest.

10. What were you doing at midnight last night? for once i was actually asleep

11. Favorite age you’ve been so far? god probably like 8 years old was good

12. Who told you they loved you last? my dad

13. Your worst enemy? it me

14. What is your current desktop picture? it’s a landscape in the style of like miyazaki movie backgrounds

15. Do you like someone? romantically ? no

16. The last song you listened to? poison vine - noah gundersen

17. You can press a button that will make any one person explode. Who would you blow up? just like physically destroy one person ???? idk man. like the consequences of this would probably be too far reaching for me to even fathom. do i get caught ?? does it spark paranoia worldwide ? a string of copy-cat murders ? could i live with myself knowing i killed a human being ?

18. Who would you really like to just punch in the face? nazis

19. If anyone could be your slave for a day, who would it be and what would they have to do? idk like. the idea of a slave that has to do stuff for me for a day is kind of wild. if i can like, make a billionaire my slave and then force them to redistribute their wealth then i’d do that

20. What is your best physical attribute? (showing said attribute is optional) my bones !! i can’t show them to you though, not yet

21. If you were the opposite sex for one day, what would you look like and what would you do? i guess the opposite of nonbinary is SUPER binary so i’d be like half man half woman and i’d look exactly like a halloween costume

22. Do you have a secret talent? If yes, what is it? no, all of my talents are pretty out in the open

23. What is one unique thing you’re afraid of? one unique thing ??? i don’t think anyone really has unique fears. if you dig deep enough they all sort of boil down to the same few things in the end. i guess the most strange fear i have is that spiders will be in my slippers, and so i do not own or wear slippers.

24. You can only have one kind of sandwich. Every sandwich ingredient known to humankind is at your disposal. oh shit ok. idk all the ingredients but one time i ate a vegetarian bahn mi in chicago and it was like the most heavenly sandwich i’ve ever had. i want that again. endlessly.

25. You just found $100! How are you going to spend it? honestly at this very moment in time i would buy groceries, and also maybe a pad of watercolor paper

26. You just got a free plane ticket to anywhere in the world, but you have to leave immediately. Where are you going to go? oof, leave immediately ??? that limits my choices bc i don’t have a passport. i guess i’d go to like. god idk oregon ? colorado ??? the pacific northwest somewhere.

27. An angel appears out of Heaven and offers you a lifetime supply of the alcoholic beverage of your choice. “Be brand-specific” it says. Man! What are you gonna say about that? Even if you don’t drink booze there’s something you can figure out… so what’s it gonna be? wait what am i supposed to figure out if i don’t drink booze ??? like if my plan was to sell it, i’d have to get a liquor license, and that’s a can of worms i don’t care to open. i think i would ask the angel if instead i can get a lifetime supply of, like, that good bahn mi sandwich i was talking about a few questions up.

28. You discover a beautiful island upon which you may build your own society. You make the rules. What is the first rule you put into place? no nerds allowed

29. What is your favorite expletive? i’m pretty partial to fuck, but honesly yikes is what i say most often even though that’s not a swear word. petition to make yikes a swear word.

30. Your house is on fire, holy shit! You have just enough time to run in there and grab ONE inanimate object. Don’t worry, your loved ones and pets have already made it out safely. So what’s the one thing you’re going to save from that blazing inferno? hey so one time there was actually the threat of a fire in my house and despite all these questions no one does anything like that. i put on my shoes, grabbed my phone, sunglasses and water bottle because they were all immediately available as i was exiting the house. so as much as i’d love to grab my box of treasures and keepsakes, i absolutely would not and i know this about myself now.

31. You can erase any horrible experience from your past. What will it be? yikes. i can see the appeal of this for a lot of people, but for myself it’s just uhhh not feasible. i’d always wonder what i erased, and at some point i would uncover the truth. i wouldn’t like to live with that kind of mystery going on.

32. You got kicked out of the country for being a time-traveling heathen who sleeps with celebrities and has super-powers. But check out this cool shit… you can move to anywhere else in the world! oh thank god. i’m moving to a colder climate with universal healthcare.

33. The Celestial Gates Of Beyond have opened, much to your surprise because you didn’t think such a thing existed. Death appears. As it turns out, Death is actually a pretty cool entity, and happens to be in a fantastic mood. Death offers to return the friend/family-member/person/etc. of your choice to the living world. Who will you bring back? okay i would strike a deal here and let’s say i can bring back two pets instead of one person and in this case i would bring back rusty (family golden retriever), and also kohji (brother’s shepherd mix). i’d like to say i’d bring back my cat, but i have two cats now and i know my brother would really like his dog back.

34. What was your last dream about? i don’t really remember, tbh. i’ve been having a lot of weird dreams tho

35. Are you a good….[insert anything you’d like here]? yes i am a VERY good [something]

36. Have you ever been admitted to the hospital? yes ! it was terrifying and i’d never like to do it again thanks

37. Have you ever built a snowman? no, somehow this was never presented to me as an option any time i’ve been around snow

38. What is the color of your socks? buddy i’ve not worn socks in months. but also generally they are striped with various colors.

39. What type of music do you like? gay stuff

40. Do you prefer sunrises or sunsets? sunrises

41. What is your favorite milkshake flavor? chocolate

42. What football team do you support? oh i sure don’t

43. Do you have any scars? yes, many

44. What do you want to be when you graduate? considering that i am no longer in school, the answer is that i want to do whatever i feel like doing at any given moment

45. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? i suppose i’d cure my mental illness (which i’m working on, so, this will happen)

46. Are you reliable? oh, no. no thanks. i absolutely am but i hate feeling obligated so i always choose to not put myself in situations where someone needs to rely on me for anything

47. If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be? i guess i’d ask if they’re happy

48. Do you hold grudges? i mean. i don’t forget things ........ but i am capable of forgiving people

49. If you could breed two animals together to defy the laws of nature, what new animal would you create? nope ! i’ve seen movies, i know what horror that can cause

50. What is the most unusual conversation you’ve ever had? one time my sister and i were talking to our aunt, and we could not for the life of us figure out if she was trying to GIVE or SELL us some rabbit fur coats she had ......... it’s been over a decade and we still do not know which it was

51. Are you a good liar? yes

52. How long could you go without talking? several million years

53. What has been you worst haircut/style? sorry my hair is indestructible and because of the natural texture it looks great no matter what. i’m blessed and i know it.

54. Have you ever baked your own cake? what kind of person doesn’t bake their own cake ????? rich people i guess

55. Can you do any accents other than your own? yes ! but not very well

56. What do you like on your toast? butter, and occasionally cinnamon sugar

57. What is the last thing you drew a picture of? some cool clouds

58. What would be you dream car? a honda prelude with the pop-up lights

59. Do you sing in the shower? Or do anything unusual in the shower? Explain. i do sing in the shower sometimes, but not loudly

60. Do you believe in aliens? absolutely

61. Do you often read your horoscope? almost every day, but i do my full birth-chart horoscope so that it’s accurate, and not like horoscopes from the newspaper

62. What is your favorite letter of the alphabet? n

63. Which is cooler: dinosaurs or dragons? i mean are they not the same thing. tell me a dinosaur and a dragon are not basically the same things.

64. What do you think about babies? yeah they’re alright. i never want to be in charge of one but i’m alright with them

65. Freebie! Ask anything interesting you can think of. i guess the most interesting thing i can think to ask myself is which tarot decks i have, and i will tell you. i have the prisma visions tarot (which is amazing), and also the shadowscapes deck (beautiful!), and also a deck of runes that i made myself with a sharpie on a pack of pepsi branded playing cards

#about mai #i guess this used up like thirty minutes of my time

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