#In a galaxy far far away {{Star Wars Verse}} | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

shadow-lag · 1 month

Text

@kirbyoctournament

Introducing...NISMO*ੈ✩‧₊˚

Prior GSA member, she is an archer powerhouse. Using arrowheads made from her unusual and ever-growing crystal horns, she can scope out hundreds of enemies from Nightmare Enterprises. Frequently sent to work with one of the GSA's top solider, Sir Metaknight. 🦇⚔️🫐

Though despite the sad appearance her masks downturned shape may portray, she is heeps more cheery then the blue knight. Often going as far to tease him, but always brightening his mood (even through his denial)

After the GSA decided to disband, she continued wearing her star badge. Through this, she managed to navigate her way through off-handed conversations and small mentions straight back to MK, and to the beautiful Dreamland. Where she meets the King's hoard of waddle dees. The GSA had plenty of trained waddle dees working to maintain and protect large bases, all in which she held high respects, but none were quite like the largely spoken about and highly regarded Bandana Dee. Whom she made very quick friends with, even going as far to use scrap Iggy Woods wood and her crystals to make him a custom spear. (A cherished gift)

Avid pop flower enjoyer<3

(More rapid details in the reblog!!)

Born of the same wish powered stardust akin to those of the puffball species. Nismo's manifestation came through at times of war. Though her tampering wasn't quite as cruel as some others, several forces stole the wishes of the pure hearts to get their slimy hands on creature so full of energy. Nightmare Enterprises was the usual culprit of this experimentation, but Nismo was stolen by someone else. Remnants of the ancients, a group split from the magic users. They wanted a super weapon, they wanted someone who could attest the Heros of Yore. Someone who this time wouldn't rogue off and need sealed away. Such things can not just be made however. Knowing the magic of the fabled Star Rod, they attempted to replicate its extraordinary capabilities. A powerful organic creature merged with their ancient magic. The experiments failed however. They couldn't enhance her performance to make her strong enough. Couldn't speed up the aging evolutionary process enough to sprout wings. Just large clunky crystal formations where horns were meant to grow, although formed through similar materials as the star rod, they weren't as powerful. They had failed again. And just like that they were on to the next. Thrown out into the cold of Shiver Star, she was raised by local scavengers already immune to the cold. She learned to adapt. Learned to hunt and gather any food that still grew through the frozen climate, learned of a passion for cooking, began carving scrapes into fresh spears. Occasionally the child-like whimsy would break through. Small wooden trinkets were gifted as often as she could carve them. It was here she learned of the greater battle with Nightmare through the wide spread call for arms of the Galaxy Solider Army. Bidding farewell to the only place she had called home, she set out on a grander journey. It was her time in the GSA she had discovered the functionality of her crystal horns. Sir Dragato studied magic prior to his recruitment. And with Lady Garlude's mild background in geology as well, together they were able to preform testing to the crystal material. They learned it could be diamond cut and regrown. And that it made for a very strong weapon. While it did not pose for its original intent to mimic the Star Rod, it proved useful in other ways. Already versed in carving techniques, Nismo quickly learned she could make spear and arrows heads, daggers and other small blades. Through strict training in the GSA camps, she fine tuned her archer ability and was the slickest shot in her ranks. Firing crystal tipped arrows straight through the heart of His monsters. Here she was partnered with Sir Metaknight, who, though bits and peices, shared his own childhood stories, that seems to match up with her own in some places. Together, slaying the monsters who terrorized hundreds of innocent planets. She was so determined to end Nightmares sinister plans to take over the galaxy. But sheer determination was not enough. Their ranks dwindled. Eventually Sir Arthur decided it was best to preserve those who remained to train a new generation of star warriors. He disbanded the GSA. She spent years traveling the stars, accepting vigilante style jobs to help keep the streets clean of Nightmare's trash. Planet hopping. Once in a purple moon, she'd be aligned to return to shiver star, sharing as much resources as she could spare with the people who cared for her through most desperate times. She'd tell stories of her travels. Ensure they would remain safe. Then be back in her starship roaming the galaxy. Soon enough, huge news spread far and wide that Nightmare had been defeated, by a child no less. Chosen to wield *the* Star Rod. Nismo was overjoyed, tears poured heavy in the light they had finally won. And something else came up through more sparsely shared details of the battle, a previously acclaimed star warrior had accompanied this young Kirby. Sir Metaknight. With Nightmare defeated and a reunion underway, things were finally starting to look up. Back to her starship, with a new destination set this time.

Dreamland of planet Popstar

Cheers if you read any of that lol. That's just a glazed over summary of her character I think. Perhaps in the future I could do actual scenic writing peices with her.

#kirby oc tournament #kirby #kirby oc #shadow.png #OKAY OKAY im gonna reblog with copy and paste notes from my discord bc BOY OH BOY THERES SO MUCH (barely- a lot for me tho)#my girly:3 I've actually spent way too much time thinking about her and her dynamic with the 'canon' unfortunate i dont have time to do muc #more in the reblog!

32 notes · View notes

tobytost · 7 months

Note

In the grand expanse of the cosmos, where stars flicker with ancient wisdom and galaxies pulse with the heartbeat of creation, there exists a realm where imagination reigns supreme. Within this boundless expanse, there emerged a craftsman named Dave Filoni, a bard whose tales once resonated with the harmonious chords of the Force. In the beginning, his hands sculpted worlds, his words breathed life into characters, and his vision illuminated the darkest corners of a galaxy far, far away.

Oh, how we marveled at his ingenuity! The Clone Wars, his magnum opus, unfolded like an epic poem, each episode a verse in a cosmic ballad. Ahsoka Tano, Anakin Skywalker, and the clones—they danced through his narrative with grace, their stories etched into the very stars. It was Filoni’s storytelling that rekindled the spirit of Star Wars, bringing forth a resurgence of hope among the faithful.

But as the wheel of time turned, a shadow crept over Filoni’s creations. The nefarious specter of greed began to weave its tendrils around the heart of his storytelling. The allure of profit beckoned, whispering promises of wealth and power. And thus, the purity of Filoni’s artistry began to wane, eclipsed by the insatiable hunger of corporate coffers.

We, the ardent admirers of Filoni’s craft, find ourselves in a state of profound lamentation. Where once there was depth, there now lies a barren landscape of shallow plots and hollow characters. The live-action series under Filoni’s stewardship, once hailed as the heralds of a new era, now stand as monuments to avarice. These productions, bereft of the soul that defined his animated triumphs, reek of profit-driven decisions. Substance has been forsaken for spectacle, and intricate storytelling sacrificed upon the altar of easy fan service.

Yet, in the depths of our sorrow, we extend a hesitant hand towards Filoni, seeking to understand the nature of his fall from grace. Is he a captive bard, his creativity held hostage against his will? We theorize, not out of malice, but out of a desperate desire to preserve the belief in his intrinsic brilliance. Could it be that his hands are tied, his creativity stifled under breakneck deadlines and profit-hungry overlords? The very thought chills the heart, for it suggests that the shackles of capitalism have ensnared even the most luminous minds.

And so, until the truth unveils itself, we stand resolute in our condemnation of the avaricious grip of the Disney corporation. The gloved hands of a mouse have become instruments of oppression, throttling the imagination and desecrating the sacred lore we hold dear. The weight of this corporate yoke stifles not only Filoni’s genius but also the collective dreams of fans worldwide.

In the echoes of our discontent, there lingers a glimmer of hope—a hope that one day, Filoni will break free from these chains, that he will once again wield his storytelling prowess with unbridled passion and unwavering dedication. Until then, we raise our voices in defiance, calling for the restoration of creativity, integrity, and the boundless spirit of storytelling that the Star Wars universe deserves.

manifesto anon you genuinely brought my mood up, it's been such a crazy fucking day, sorry I've been delaying answering this but it's always so funny to read your little manifestos they make me giggle

#also again you're right as always #sorry i cant write a cool ass answer like you do #manifesto anon #asks #star wars meta

30 notes · View notes

corruptedforce · 5 months

Text

‘THIS STORY HAPPENED A LONG TIME AGO IN A GALAXY FAR, FAR AWAY. IT IS ALREADY OVER. NOTHING CAN BE DONE TO CHANGE IT. IT IS A STORY OF LOVE AND LOSS, BROTHERHOOD AND BETRAYAL, COURAGE AND SACRIFICE AND THE DEATH OF DREAMS. IT IS A STORY OF THE BLURRED LINES BETWEEN OUR BEST AND OUR WORST. IT IS THE STORY OF THE END OF AN AGE. - MATTHEW STOVER (ROTS NOVELIZATION)’

Independent Anakin Skywalker / Darth Vader from Star Wars. Multi-verse and Multi-Ship

Highly Supportive of Canon, slightly Canon-Divergent, can be talked into some fix-it and the occasional AU. We lean more towards Legends and not towards anything in the Sequels or from any shows, except for Kenobi.

Character and Plot driven, although there are ships, so adult content happens.

Barely controlled on a good day, by Tanya

He and I are both highly opinionated. Established June 2022 on my multi crowsandmurder; here since January 2023

( promo // carrd )

#independent star wars rp #independent prequels rp #independent star wars prequels rp #indie rp #indie star wars rp #independent anakin skywalker rp #indie darth vader rp #indie space rp #(promos)

5 notes · View notes

starlsssankt · 5 months

Note

//sith Sasha verse//

The Daglan ruled the galaxy, divining it in four. They had collared the other races, inferior things.

The Ilken (changelings) were their foot soldiers, the Valg their infiltrators, the Ridderak their foragers. It was a well oiled machine.

Valg able to make and collared on a whim.

And, well, the Ilken and the Ridderak bred themselves. The males happily kept their numbers up.

Usually.

Sebastian looked down at the nursery pit. The wolves circled at his heels. The pups were small, runts. He looked to Aleksander, frowning down at the little things.

"It's a real shame, if they had more meat on their bones they would be good food for the Ridderak."

He glanced up at his father; he hadn't really been paying too much attention to what the older said, and Aleksander had really only just now tuned back into the conversation. Eyes dark, the power in his blood sang for violence to be unleashed.

It was so much harder to control than it used to be...

❝ There will surely be more. Should we put these down, then, if they serve no further purpose? ❞

@siderealxmelody

#asks / aleksander says…#siderealxmelody #verse / a galaxy far far away ;; star wars au #verse / blessed with too much power ;; closed (siderealxmelody)#verse / there's always another way ;; au verse

1 note · View note

truetocaescr · 2 months

Text

A long time ago in a galaxy far, far away...

STAR WARS: THE TENTH JEDI

It has been a thousand years since the Battle of Exegol, and the New Jedi Order rebuilt by master REY SKYWALKER is on the brink of extinction through the evil Sith-led Eternal Empire that is at war with the Galactic Federation of Free Alliances. MARGRAVE JURO is considered one of the last remaining Jedi Masters within the Galaxy. With help from the sabersmith Lah Zhima, the Jedi have once again been able to recreate the long lost LIGHTSABER, the weapon of a Jedi and Sith alike. With the Sith rising in numbers, it is time for the Jedi Order to reclaim and bring peace to the Galaxy. Margrave's new Jedi Order has thus sought out a new apprentice, KEVOJAH DRYDEN, who they hope will serve the order as the TENTH JEDI!

The saga of the Tenth Jedi

The story so far

Verses

Kevojah's lightsaber

Guidelines (READ BEFORE INTERACTING)

My rp sideblogs;

brckensteel (Maximus/Fallout)

#Star Wars RP #swrp #star wars #Star Wars: Visions RP

2 notes · View notes

jundlcndwastes-moving2 · 2 years

Text

☆ Lyrics taken from LEAGUE OF LEGEND’S ARCANE SOUNDTRACK album | ❝ That’s when everything went wrong. ❞ | @hopegained

❝ Eron, you know you can’t hold yourself responsible for that, right? What happened then is not your fault. You have to believe that. ❞

#hopegained #MEME REPLIES.#☆ IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY — STAR WARS VERSE

2 notes · View notes

denimbex1986 · 10 months

Text

'It's been a few good weeks for the movies, and Oppenheimer is still rocking movie theaters everywhere with the tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer (Cillian Murphy), the so-called "father of the atomic bomb." Christopher Nolan's biopic shows how the nuclear physicist saw his creation have its purposes twisted and used to kill thousands of innocent people until he became an advocate against it. But a similar story has already been told in theaters, one set a long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away. If you're not connecting the dots, we're talking about Rogue One: A Star Wars Story and one of its main characters, Galen Erso (Mads Mikkelsen).

Although the 2016 prequel to A New Hope is mostly focused on the ragtag band of rebels that stole the Death Star plans from the Empire, it also tells a little about how the planet-killing super weapon came to be, along with the companion novel, Catalyst: A Rogue One Story. Like the bombs created by Oppenheimer, the Death Star is also the ultimate destructive power, capable of literally destroying worlds. Its purpose was not only military but also political, as the Empire expected systems to fall in line, as much as the U.S. government expected atomic power to ultimately be exclusive to them.

The Tragedy of Oppenheimer Was the Inspiration for ‘Rogue One’

The original idea for what would eventually become Rogue One came from legendary ILM visual effects supervisor John Knoll, who's been working on Star Wars since the Prequel Trilogy. His first treatment for the story was named "Destroyer of Worlds", inspired by the Hindu verses that Oppenheimer famously used to express his regret at developing the atomic bomb. Although the idea for the movie was to ultimately depict the stealing of the Death Star plans by Jyn Erso (Felicity Jones) and the Rogue One team, the key to the development of the movie was her father, Galen Erso.

The story in itself already sets the highest possible stakes — if Jyn doesn't succeed, entire planets could be destroyed by the Empire using the Death Star — but it also needed to carry emotional weight, and that's where Galen comes in. His role is to serve as a motivation for Jyn to join the mission with the Rebels, but he also has his own story arc as a scientist who has his research twisted and weaponized by the Empire. A kyber crystal researcher, he is responsible for the design and production of the Death Star super laser, powered by the Force-attuned gems.

A few years before Knoll pitched his idea to Lucasfilm, Gareth Edwards was a visual effects artist on a BBC documentary called Hiroshima, which came out in 2005. Edwards would eventually take the job as Rogue One director, but his work on Hiroshima gave him plenty of historical knowledge about this part of World War II, including the development of the atomic bomb by Oppenheimer. In line with the core idea of Knoll's, the production got the codename "Los Alamos," a direct reference to the location where Oppenheimer and his team of physicists worked on Project Manhattan.

With those guidelines, the story of Rogue One was developed with the parallel between the Death Star and the atomic bomb in mind. Both are super weapons of planet-killing capabilities, designed by men who may have joined such projects with the best of intentions, but ended up bitterly regretting their involvement once their true destructive powers were revealed. As Galen says in his holographic message to Jyn, "There's no better name" for the Death Star, and his words are a sort of parallel to Oppenheimer's "destroyer of worlds" quote because that's what he ended up becoming.

‘Star Wars’ Often Draws Inspiration From Archetypes Like Oppenheimer

The parallel between Galen Erso and J. Robert Oppenheimer is certainly an interesting one to draw inspiration from, and it's something that only someone who's been a long-time fan of Star Wars like John Knoll could come up with. We know all the cinematic and artistic influences behind George Lucas' vision for the franchise back in the late 1970s, as well as the political parallels with the war in Vietnam, but World War II has also been a constant source of ideas for the movies, from starship design and general aesthetic to whole action sequences, like the Death Star trench run in A New Hope.

Only what makes J. Robert Oppenheimer a good inspiration isn't necessarily the fact that the better part of his tragedy took place mostly during World War II, but that he ultimately became a sort of mythical archetype himself. As Rian Johnson once wisely put it, "Myths are made to reflect the most difficult transitions we go through," and, in that sense, Oppenheimer is more than a cautionary tale, his tragedy is a modern adaptation of the myth of Prometheus, who stole the fire from the gods and was later forced to spend eternity suffering as a consequence (in fact, Christopher Nolan's Oppenheimer script is even based on a biography titled American Prometheus: The Triumph and Tragedy of J. Robert Oppenheimer). The mythical qualities of his story are what makes it appealing to Star Wars, it's the kind of framework the franchise has always used to build its narrative and characters.

Galen Erso's story may have a few key differences when compared to Oppenheimer's, of course. For example, he ended up dying before witnessing the destruction his creation could unleash, and he still managed to quietly undermine the Death Star by laying a trap beneath all the destructive power it boasted on the surface. Oppenheimer was indeed deemed a traitor by some due to his "communist connections", as Galen was later discovered by Orson Krennic (Ben Mendelsohn), and he did become an activist against nuclear power, but this is far from causing the same consequences as Galen's trap, unfortunately. But what matters for Star Wars is the similarities between them, as much as the historical and mythical qualities carried by Oppenheimer. It's no surprise that John Knoll would come up with this sort of parallel, it takes a fan to see this kind of thing between the lines of real history and work it creatively into a new story.'

#Galen Erso #Mads Mikkelsen #Oppenheimer #Cillian Murphy #Christopher Nolan #Rogue One: A Star Wars Story #“Destroyer of Worlds”#John Knoll #Jyn Erso #Felicity Jones #“Los Alamos”#Gareth Edwards #Hiroshima

9 notes · View notes

kiwikipedia · 1 year

Text

You Always Admire What You Really Don’t Understand

Rating: T

Fandom(s): Star Wars: The Clone Wars, Fate/Grand Order

A galaxy divided by war! Formerly peaceful planets must choose a side or risk invasion as the Republic and the Separatist armies vie for the allegiance of the Neutral Planets.

Desperate to build a Republic Supply Base in the resource-rich, nearly abandoned System of Earth, Jedi Master Yoda travels to negotiate with the few who remain— the Survivors of Chaldea.

AO3 | Index | Next >

Chapter 1 / 2

I'm really just clearing out my drafts at this point lol

Self-indulgent crossover, sue me. I just think that if Chaldea was involved in Star Wars, the war would've ended quickly.

They had wisely chosen to meet somewhere far from their main base of operation, taking the Shadow Boarder and traveling to what had once been Japan ages ago.

It was interesting to see what years of abandonment did to a nation. What it did to the world, really. It was beautiful, in a haunting way, to see everything so desolated and overgrown, but at the same time, it left a bitter taste in her mouth. In all of their mouths.

The taste of defeat, the taste of grief.

They had stopped Goetia and destroyed the Timeless temple. They had fixed the remaining singularities and yet— It hadn’t mattered in the end.

Sure, Romani, who had been the real Solomon, had been severely weakened but he had lived. And, sure, Mashu had died, only to be revived into a normal human… They had thought that it had been smooth sailing after that.

Only, the Alien God descended and the Lostbelts formed and the fighting began all over again. And Chaldea fought through all of them, time and time again.

Da Vinci died, Romani woke, and lives upon lives were pruned all for the sake of humanity.

And yet, it didn’t matter.

When the planet was restored, when Human Order was set back into place… the planet was empty. As if humanity had simply been plucked from it and Chaldea was all that remained.

But time marched on.

Humanity as they knew it was gone. Goredolf, the remaining Chaldea Staff, Sion, Mashu, Gudako, and Romani were all that remained of humans.

Most of the Servants stuck around still. Some shared the same bitter sentiment of “what mattered now” but remained loyal because where else would they even go?

It was better to stick around than vanish forever— though some chose to vanish back to the Root either way, with a promise to return when called.

Singularities still popped up, not often, but enough to keep things interesting and for new faces to join the ranks— Hell, they managed to summon Da Vinci and Musashi back by some grand miracle.

But was it even worth it? To an outsider, maybe not.

Humanity had been wiped from the planet, after all, and no amount of Grails could restore it. But they still continued on, what else could they do?

Even if this world’s humanity was gone, they still had their mission— protect and preserve. This had expanded from the planet to the planet’s history and future. But that decision had been made ages ago when the Lostbelts had ended, and now they were here.

Another unintended side effect had been all of their bodies, more than they already were by being Magus-Blooded humans. Spending time in a break in time-space had altered their aging, even Mashu who was supposed to be a normal human after Fou’s sacrifice.

The number of years that passed had since escaped Gudako though she knew that Romani kept track of it. She didn’t look any older than when the Lostbelts were first enacted, though her hair was longer.

The orange strands shifted in the breeze as she stood a little ways away from the Shadow Border. Rider Da Vinci (Who had begun to call herself Leona to differentiate ) was standing near the vehicle while Hector and Saito stood nearby.

Hector was well-versed in politics, and Saito knew his way around that field for the most part. Both were ready to aid in negotiations, and Geronimo was there as well, for that same reason. Saito was also there as the visible bodyguard, though, of course, all of them would spring to attack at the slightest sign of harm to Gudako.

Robin Hood was hiding somewhere, she knew, ready to strike if things went south— the likelihood of him also planting traps to cut through any forces was also very possible.

Li Shuwen was standing nearby for a similar reason but made no attempts to hide using his Sphere Boundary. Instead, he simply stood a bit to the side talking quietly with Hector and Saito while Geronimo watched the skies quietly.

Waiting on standby via communications were Goredolf, Da Vinci, Romani, and Mashu, along with anyone else in the communications and observation room in Chaldea. Sherlock, El Melloi II, and Chiron were in there, Gudako knew, as were Tesla and possibly Moriarty if he wasn’t trying to avoid Sherlock.

And yet…

It was quiet, almost too quiet.

Since Humanity was all but destroyed on Earth, Gudako had gotten used to the noise of wildlife and nature, the way animals had reclaimed civilization and the flora of the world overtook everything.

Chaldea had gone out of their way to dismantle anything that was harmful if left unattended on earth first— Nuclear Power Plants, especially.

It had been hard but necessary. None of them really fancied radiation poisoning, especially the humans and those more susceptible to poisoning.

But now the land around them was silent. The only noise was a song from the birds and the wildlife far in distance.

Gudako’s com beeped, making the others look over as she answered.

The face of a rather gorgeous woman appeared and Gudako smiled slightly at the familiar figure.

“Hey Da Vinci,” she greeted, “No sign of the Republic yet, makes me wonder if something happened to them.”

She wouldn’t lie and say that having Leona around was the same as having their original Da Vinci with them. It was reassuring to have the little Rider, of course, but it had been different. Leona, of course, didn’t ever hold it against them for being unsure of how to act around her.

Nonetheless, Leonardo Da Vinci hummed on the other end of the line, hand going up to cradle her chin.

“I was just about to ask about that,” The Caster and now Co-Head of Technology with her other self sighed. “The planetary scans showed a disturbance, a ship coming down, but then nothing.”

Da Vinci paused for a moment before she shrugged. “Ah, well, it’s not like we need the Jedi to defend ourselves, though it would be nice to have the republic owe us.”

Gudako nodded in agreement before Hector spoke up, flicking ash from his cigarette.

“But it’s not like the Jedi to be late,” the Grecian man said. “From what the stories say, they’re a rather punctual bunch. Not like I can say much about that, though. I haven’t gone out of my way to meet any of them in the past years.”

Saito hummed in agreement as he gazed up at the sky.

“No, you’re right,” he said, brushing his thumb against one of his swords’ hilts. “Many Jedi are punctual, almost to a fault, haha. Vice-Commander’s not that fond of them, but the few interactions that I’ve had with them before this War solidified that.”

Despite his light tone, Gudako knew that Saito was serious as he spoke. So she simply nodded in agreement with him. It wasn’t as if she disagreed with his words, after all.

She, Da Vinci, and the others had infinite time after all, or at least the equivalent.

While the first few years had been spent readjusting and making sure the planet itself didn’t self-destruct by way of unmanaged power sources, the past ages had been different after that.

Space Travel had been all but easy to figure out.

With a few more months, and all the information from NASA and other nations, combined with what was gotten from Clocktower and Sion gladly gave up materials from Wandering Sea as she and Nemo helped, not to mention the Storm Border and Shadow Boarder were good base models to work with...

Well, easy to say that Exploring the rest of the Galaxy had been easy enough. Not all of it, though. That would be difficult to do even if they had infinite time— they still had to gather resources for themselves and prune small bits of human history that refused to let go. But enough of it had been explored to make a name for themselves in the rest of the Expanded Galaxy.

The Chaldeans, the Stargazers. Heroes who are on the side of good, even if some of them weren’t necessarily so. All the while, Chaldea had made sure not to cross paths with the Jedi if they could help it. There was nothing bad about them, per se, but, well... the Jedi had their ways and Chaldean had theirs. That said, the few times that the small teams of Servants sent out to complete a mission that wasn’t a singularity (and now SHEBA was picking up on Galaxy-Wide singularities) the Jedi had been rather decent to work with.

That had been part of the reason why Gudako had agreed to meet with the Jedi and thus Republic representative now. There was no doubt that the War within the Galaxy was bad— war itself was bad, no matter how many of Chaldea’s members liked the thrill of war.

Alone, Chaldea could do a lot but there were still restrictions and laws of the Galaxy to consider. The Republic ruled a majority of the Galaxy, save for a few places here and there that were considered either uninhabitable or neutral grounds, along with the Separatist Space.

Earth, or Terra, had been considered both a long time ago, but when they first heard of the War, they had struck out hard and fast toward any enemies harming planets that weren't part of the Republic or the Separatist States. Doing so had caused Chaldea to be known in the Galaxy as both a force of Good and as the only remaining inhabitants of Earth and rumors spread far and wide across the Galaxy.

Now things were changing.

With another sigh, Gudako closed her eyes.

“We’ll wait a bit longer, but I really don’t want to be waiting all night,” she told Da Vinci, who nodded in agreement before leaning out of frame.

A few voices could be heard on the other end— Roman, for one, was talking, as was Goredolf— before Sherlock leaned into the frame over Da Vinci.

“Whatever it is you decide we’ll support you from this end,” the Detective said, “We’ll keep a look out from this end.”

Gudako nodded before the video feed cut out.

In truth, she was unsure about serving any sort of Galactic-Wide Republic. And this wasn’t something that only she felt.

The thing was, Chaldea had operated as its own entity for so long, it would be a challenge if they joined outright.

Sherlock, Roman, and El Melloi II had run the scenarios and numbers with both Da Vincis and Sion. There was too much difference in both power and how Chaldea operated and how the Republic operated for Chaldea to serve under anyone but its own power now.

Sherlock had theorized that if they could somehow figure out a way to still keep their Autonomy while supporting the Republic’s endeavors against the Separatists it would work. So now that was what they were aiming for, and that would be their best bet in the long run.

Gudako knew better than anyone that Chaldea and Earth didn’t need support from the Republic.

Hell, with the right coordinates, they didn’t even need a ship with both the Shadow and Storm Boarders— though they certainly had several ships. Noble Phantasms had been altered and adjusted to be Space-worthy, and certain Servants didn’t even need that, they could just survive in the vastness of space on their own. The Servant-Universe Servants were more than excited about these new space adventures and Gudako had never seen Voyager more excited.

Materials-wise, it would be interesting to open up trade with the Republic, but only a select number because of the lack of manpower— and they weren’t about to open a goddamn factory in order to do that.

In the long run, there probably wouldn’t be much of a reason to make an Alliance with the Republic, outside of just being part of the side of Good.

These were all things that Gudako had to think about during this meeting, though if it would ever come to that she was unsure. There had yet to be a hide or hair of the Jedi Representative.

A twitch from all the Servants around her pulled Gudako from her thoughts, and she shifted, signaling to Li to hide his presence and for Robin- wherever he was- to remain ready.

The planet had gone deathly still. The silence before could be chalked up to an odd coincidence. There were locations that followed certain laylines and locations where animals instinctually sensed that something was off. But this was different.

This was silence because of a presence that the wildlife wasn’t used to had suddenly arrived.

Without needing any other prompting, Li Shuwen vanished without a word. And only a second later, the snap of a branch had them all turning around.

From the forest came a woman, tall and slender, with skin as pale as the moon and lips stained a deep, dark red.

It didn’t take a genius to realize that this was not the Jedi representative. Not with the Battle Droids behind her.

“Greetings, Representative of Chaldea,” she greeted.

Almost instantly, Saito’s swords were drawn, as was Geronimo’s knife before the two of them and Hector shifted into battle stances. Leona had moved right next to Gudako in the instant it had taken Hector to ready his spear.

“Who are you?” Gudako asked. There was no real point in asking, though. Gudako knew who this woman was. Asjj Ventress, the Dark Acolyte to Count Dooku. It wasn’t as if Chaldea was as out of the loop as many assumed they were while on the edges of the Galaxy.

It was just polite to introduce yourself when you intruded on a conversation.

The woman just bowed.

“I am only a messenger,” she rasped, “My master wishes to speak with you.”

With a flick of her fingers, a holodisk flew into her hands and flickered on. Geronimo’s frown deepened at the holographic visage of the Count.

“Master of Chaldea, forgive me for my intrusion.”

Gudako snorted before she raised a hand and the Servants fell back behind and next to her, visibly relaxed but no less ready to fight if need be— even if Saito’s and Geronimo’s blades returned to their sheathes and Hector rested Durindana on his shoulder. Li Shuwen made himself known as well, the Assassin-like Lancer dropping down next to Hector and startling the droids slightly as he did.

“You have more decorum and are at least a bit more well-informed than your messenger, Count,” Gudako said, her tone taking on an icy quality. Thank god for the lessons on acting and politics with the other Servants. “Though I see no need for forgiveness to be given, seeing how you admit to being here unwanted.”

Dooku stiffened slightly but bowed nonetheless before recollecting himself.

“I am aware Master Yoda hopes you will allow the Jedi to build a Republic base in your territory in exchange for… protection, correct?” He asked and she heard Robin Hood snort across their Servant-Master bond. The statement seemed to be reflected in the tinges of exasperation and disbelief from the others across their bonds.

“Your spies serve you well, Count,” Geronimo answered from beside her, though his tone was just as frigid as Gudako’s own.

“I ask,” the Count continued as if Geronimo hadn't spoken at all. “How can the Jedi protect you if they cannot protect themselves?“

Next to her, Saito let out a hum of laughter at that, Hector’s lips twitched upwards, and Li Shuwen didn’t bother trying to hide the vicious sneer at the words.

Gudako didn’t blame them, and she couldn’t help but smirk as well.

Protection? As if Chaldea needed it.

“I suppose you and your droid armies can do better?” Gudako asked lazily instead.

Already, the Chaldeans had fought off droids that had wandered too close to home. They weren’t much, not for immortal heroes of the Throne.

The Count smirked, however, unable or perhaps unwilling to take note of the sarcasm in her tone.

“Without a doubt. I sense you are a people who respect strength, People of Chaldea. Our droid armies outnumber the Republic clones a hundred to one.”

Gudako raised a brow at that.

There was some sort of plot he was attempting to lay. That much was easy enough to see, and judging by the slight shift and side glance that Leona had given her, the others felt the same way.

“And our sources say that a single Jedi equal nearly a hundred battle droids,” the Rider stated, tilting her head with her eyes narrowed. Gudako nodded in agreement to the younger Da Vinci’s words. That was the rumor for sure, though how true that was had yet to be seen.

But a Servant could outpace, out-fight, and outlast any droid and Jedi. With a majority being able to do so without breaking a sweat.

“Master Yoda’s powers have been greatly exaggerated,” Dooku drawled. And again, there might have been truth in his words, Gudako knew that, however...

“That remains to be seen, Count,” She said plainly and the Count inclined his head at that.

“Indeed. But when you decide to join us, my apprentice will contact me.”

With that, the leader of the Separatists ended the call. This time, however, Gudako couldn’t keep the scowl off her face.

What the Count had to say certainly intrigued her.

Again, there was the possibility of exaggeration on the part of the Jedi. There was definitely that to consider, but Chaldea was not so weak to need Republic protection. This arrangement was only a meeting, if the Republic agreed to Chaldea’s terms, then they would have someone representing them in the senate— likely Roman himself would go with a few Servants disguised as aides. Ryouma and Oryou, Jeanne d’Arc, and so forth.

But she despised the assumption that even if they didn't take up the Jedi and the Republic's offer that they would join the Separatists. Ha. As if.

“Master,” Robin said from her side suddenly.

Like a ghost, the Hunter of the Woods appeared as he pushed his hood back and Gudako turned, seeing him point upwards. She followed his line of sight slowly. In the skies above, Republic Envoy fled the planet's skyspace.

Huh.

Gudako couldn't help but frown at that, watching as the ship vanished into Hyperspace.

Ventress took that as an opportunity to speak. “Master Yoda’s warship has fled the system. What further evidence do you require of the Jedi’s weakness?”

“Caster just confirmed,” Leona spoke up, referring to her other self as she looked up from her own communicator. “The ship has left.”

Ventress made a slight gesture, as if smug and in a way that said ‘see?’. Gudako just huffed softly, though before she could answer, a buzz from her own wrist alerted her of an incoming transmission.

She lifted it, hitting the answer button before hitting another button for Chaldea’s Command Room as well.

Both holographic images of Romani Archaman and a sole Clone Trooper popped up side by side.

Despite still being in the skin of Solomon, he had chosen to re-adapt to his previous hairstyle and attire. But it was still Roman, nonetheless, and even after all these years, Gudako felt her nerves and attitude soothe at the appearance of the Doctor. He looked a bit caught off guard at being called, but turned to look at the transmission directly.

“This is Master Fujimaru of Chaldea and Co-Director and head of Medical Facilities Romani Archaman, speak,” Gudako said, tone clipped and eyes narrowed. The clone seemed to glance to his side at Roman, who just nodded in greeting.

“Master Yoda would like to speak with you, sir,” The Clone said, turning back to Gudako.

The Chaldeans kept their expressions neutral, though Ventress seemed to seethe at the news. Slowly, she nodded.

“Very well,” She agreed, waving a hand to indicate the go-ahead.

With a nod, the Clone blipped out only to be replaced with the small figure of Master Yoda

“A pleasure it is to hear your voice, Master of Chaldea. Master Yoda of the Jedi Council this is.” Jedi bowed in greeting as he spoke.

“Master Jedi,” Gudako greeted calmly. “I thought perhaps Count Dooku had scared you off.”

“Delayed, have I been,” Yoda admitted before shaking his head, “But not too far away, am I now. Unaware, I was, Count Dooku was invited to our meeting.”

“Oh, the Count invited himself,” Li Shuwen answered, leaning over Gudako's shoulder so that the Jedi could see him. The Lancer's lips twisted into a sadistic sort of grin as he glanced at the Dark Acolyte, “He assured us that, in this time of war, his droids can offer Chaldea greater security than your Jedi.”

Sarcasm laced the Lancer’s tone, and Saito’s lazy sort of smile had pulled into something more like a sneer as well. Still, The Jedi Master considered Li Shuwen’s words. “A matter of debate that is.”

“Master, if I may?” Geronimo spoke up, having been conversing quietly with Robin and Hector behind them. Gudako nodded, turning so that both Roman and Yoda could see him as well.

“Go ahead, Caster,” she said and he bowed slightly in thanks.

“Thank you, Master," He said before he turned to the transmission feed. "As others have once said, ‘Words are meaningless without action’. Both Lancer, Archer, and I are in agreement, and propose a competition of sorts.”

Ventress raised a brow in interest at that and Roman leaned back in his chair with his arms crossed and head tilted as he listened.

“If Master Yoda is truly what he claims to be, let him prove it. Allow Ventress to dispatch her best troops to capture him alive,” Geronimo continued. “If he escapes, we will speak about the matters surrounding an alliance with the Republic. Should Ventress’ forces capture him or kill—”

“You join the Separatist Alliance,” Ventress interrupted and finished for him. The crack of Li Shuwen’s knuckles, the rattling of Saito’s swords, and the soft click of Robin loading his crossbow were enough to tell anyone nearby what the others felt about her interrupting one of their own. Still, Gudako let out a soft hum.

There was a lot at stake here.

Chaldea had no plans of joining the Separatists. They had no need for ‘protection’ from either side as well. The meeting with the Republic wasn’t about ‘protection’ at all, she wasn’t sure how that had gotten twisted, but nonetheless.

She glanced at Romani, who just nodded before he spoke up.

“We will discuss an alliance with the Separatists, and please, emphasis on alive. Should either Jedi or Clones be killed in this competition Chaldea will see this as a declaration of War and retaliate,” the Doctor and Co-Director of Chaldea corrected before turning to look at Yoda, “Well, Master Yoda? Do you accept this challenge against your credibility?”

“I do, Director,” The Jedi agreed before he turned to the Nightsister. “Arrive by nightfall, I will.”

Satisfied, Romani cut the feed from Chaldea’s end first before Gudako did the same on hers and ended the call. She glanced at Ventress after that, expression passive as she addressed the Darksider.

“I trust you will stand by your word,” She stated. “But know this, I’m not so easily swayed. Your actions will reflect your master. We wouldn’t want to paint him in a poor light, now do we?”

Ventress simply bowed, though her jaw was clenched. Gudako had to smirk at that before she snapped her fingers.

“Archer, Caster, Lancer. I trust that you can keep an eye on things. Don’t let them wreck things unnecessarily,” She ordered and the three Servants nodded, Li Shuwen bowing with a grin, before he and Robin off into the wilds— the two all but vanishing the moment they moved. Geronimo gave Gudako one last look before he followed them.

“Not letting us join in on the fun, Master?” Saito spoke up, tilting his head. Gudako snorted at that.

“Last time you were sent to keep an eye on things in Yamataikoku, Izo managed to jump you,” she pointed out, making him grimace slightly.

“Ah, so mean, Master-chan~ My pride is wounded still,” he admitted before sighing and looking out towards the wilderness. “Still, I wonder what kind of show Yoda will put on.”

Gudako let out a snort as Hector shook his head. It was all theatrics, of course. Saito’s dissatisfaction was a farce, and Gudako’s words— while true— were nothing more than a way to hide the truth behind Saito.

And keep Ventress’ guard down. If she didn't suspect him, then her first strike— if she decided to attack— would be with the expectation of an easy fight.

But nonetheless, Saito’s words were true despite his dissatisfaction being false.

Chaldea all knew the stories of Yoda, though this had been the first time they had seen him. In truth, if Gudako was going to be honest, and a bit picky, she would’ve preferred if the Jedi had sent Plo Koon or Tyvokka for this and not their Grandmaster— granted, this was only the case if the two were even still alive.

It had been many years since Chaldea had encountered the two of them in passing.

Yoda’s power had been rumored and talked about across the Galaxy. Chaldea hadn’t encountered him before, so all they knew were those rumors.

But now they would have the chance to see it in person— or as in-person as they could get with Gudako watching through the eyes of the three Servants she sent on ahead.

And if Yoda proved to not be all that his legends made him out to be… well, should Ventress try anything when Chaldea refused to join Dooku, she wouldn’t be making it off the planet alive.

I wrote this before Lostbelt 6.5 on across to ORT and Order Call— so none of that really has a presence here. Also, obviously, AU is AU because, well, Romani is here. Not sure how, but he is and he looks like Solomon half the time if he forgets to polymorph (is that the term?) into his "Romani" self. Caster Da Vinci is also back. Romani shares the position of Director with Goredolf and Da Vinci as the two of them have more experience running Chaldea than Goredolf but he proved to them that, while more cautious and a bit prickly, Goredolf makes a good director. Besides, Roman and Da Vinci run the medical staff and technology divisions respectively as well.

Also Leonardo / Da Vinci is the Caster, Leona or any variant of Mini Da Vinci is Rider. Split them up, because they're technically different entities in my mind.

The LB 6.5-ORT/OC Servants are still here I guess, but I really don't know all that much about them so any later installments to this as a series is unlikely. Maybe Tez. I think he's funny. I know Kadoc lived unlike the rest of the Crypters and he's in chapter 7, but I don't remember when he joined with Chaldea. I'm assuming during or after 6 since I don't remember seeing him at all in 5.

The Humans that remain are all but pseudo-immortals in that non-aging sort of vibe just due to that whole messing with the space-time-dimension thing. Just go with it lmao

I'll be honest, the Title was already decided before I chose to just make this a two-shot and part of a series of interconnecting oneshots rather than a full-length fic. And I got too lazy to change it.

Like in Threads of Daydreams, Li Shuwen is Li Shuwen, both Lancer and Assasin as one being. I actually had AssaLi here first but figured LaLi is more likely to find sneaking about and getting into fights with droids more fun.

15 notes · View notes

disappointingyet · 6 months

Text

A bunch of movies that didn't make my final films of the year – some of them are very good, mind (and one or two really aren't).

Godzilla Minus One

Very much not to be confused with the current US Godzilla movies, this comes from Toho Studios and not only goes back to the start, but the story is all about Japan coming to terms with World War II. Our central (human) character is Koichi Shikishima (Ryunosuke Kamiki) a guilt-ridden former fighter pilot trying to get by in bomb-flattened Tokyo. He acquires not one but two found families: a young woman and the child she rescued from the rubble, and the crew of the minesweeper he finds work on. The healing for both the material and psychic damage seems underway when a massive, mysterious creature – which Shikishima encountered during the war – reappears, only bigger and with new powers…

G-M1 is a talky film with sombre stretches (there are jokes, too), with lots of grief and guilt and trying to figure out how not to make the same mistakes again*. And, in between all that, we get a big stompy monster (this is mean Godzilla, not saviour Godzilla). The special effects do the job: you’re unlikely to be awestruck, but equally I didn’t spend any time wanting to chuck something at the screen as I often do with (say) Marvel movies.

Satisfying.

(*I was trying to think of other movies where I successfully guessed what was going to happen not so much because of plot tropes as ideology… the only one that springs to mind is the Robert Aldrich-directed Burt Lancaster & Gary Cooper Mexican-set Western Vera Cruz.)

Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles: Mutant Mayhem

What were the odds, in the year of full superhero backlash, that there would be a critically endorsed Ninja Turtles movie? But here it is, and yes, it’s good. Essentially, TMNT:MM is (as far as I know) lo the first post-Spider-verse film, embracing the idea that comic-book adaptations can look drawn. This is 3D computer animation, but it’s not trying to look solid or clean, and so you don’t end up with Shrekian chunkiness. It’s weird and colourful and sometimes rather beautiful.

It’s a basic origin story: how did these strange creatures come to be, why do they regard a rat as their father, what other weird animals are lurking in New York? Well, for one, Superfly, a massive insect styled after Ron O’Neal’s Blaxploitation antihero and voiced by Ice Cube.

The movie leans hard into the ‘teenage’ part of the title - these are kids, cocky, confused, bored, trying to fit in and figure themselves out (often contradictory impulses.) The script is by Seth Rogen and chums, so doesn’t take itself too seriously.

There’s an argument to be had about whether famous faces deserve to be the voice leads in animated movies - surely specialists are better at the job and anyway, much of the time nobody recognises it’s eg, Chris Pratt. But here, I think the star casting works - as well as Cube, we get Jackie Chan being very endearing as Splinter the rat, a brief but perfect turn from Giancarlo Esposito and the ubiquitous Ayo Edebiri as April.

The soundtrack is ace - and maybe gives away who the target audience is: it’s a bunch of late 1980s/90s hip-hop standards.

The storytelling isn’t groundbreaking but the visuals are so good. One of the best surprises of the year.

Dungeons & Dragons: Honour Among Thieves

Essentially: ‘You know that game the kids in Stranger Things play? The one people used to get beat up for been associated with but now movie stars boast about their expertise at? Let’s do a Guardians Of The Galaxy-style film based on that.’ So they did, and gathered a more-than-decent cast: Chris Pine*, Michelle Rodriguez and Hugh Grant, and send them off on some questing. The jokes do the job, the dialogue largely non-fantasy mode, Rodriguez does all the action and Pine is the Hannibal Smith-esque generator of plans (but w/tragic backstory). As this kind of adventure movie goes, it’s comfortably above average: not as good as the first Guardians, the first Pirates Of The Caribbean or Jumanji: Welcome To The Jungle, but better than most of the tosh out there. *Brudenell Road’s most famous former resident!

They Cloned Tyrone

Strange things seem to be happening in the hood and a drug dealer (John Boyega), a sex worker (Teyonah Parris) and – reluctantly – a pimp (Jamie Foxx) team up to investigate. This is a comedy with sci-fi elements as well as things that would be horror if this had a different vibe. Maybe think of this as a much broader take on Jordan Peele’s Get Out or Nope or a less way-out Sorry To Bother You. Although it’s set now, there are nods to the Blaxploitation era (Foxx’s hair, various cars.) There’s a nice murky look to the night scenes, a tangible atmosphere and an excellent cast – so plenty to enjoy.

(Netflix)

Theater Camp

Fond and indulgent mockumentary made by a bunch of chums who grew up as theatre kids. Very familiar set-up: much-loved thespian institution (in this case, a summer camp) has its future under threat – will everyone rally round for a big show to save the day?

There are plenty of familiar faces here, particularly if you’ve seen Booksmart and The Bear (Molly Gordon, who is one of the directors, writers and stars of this links that terrific film and that excellent TV show.)

Ben Platt, who has become even more mocked and reviled in critical and showbiz gossip circles than his Pitch Perfect cast mates, makes the wise decision to write himself a largely dickish character to play.

Theater Camp mostly manages to be the right kind of silly – I enjoyed it a bunch. (Disney +)

Bottoms

Extremely daft although reasonably fun comedy. Rachel Sennott and Ayo Edebiri (who are both 28 years old and aren’t trying to fool you otherwise) play a pair of unpopular high-school kids who start a female fight club with the hope of hooking up with the cheerleaders they have crushes on. It’s very silly, gets a reasonable amount of mileage out of people punching each other and has plenty of decent jokes. Had me thinking of Rock ’n’ Roll High School more than I expected.

Three Musketeers: Part 1 - D’Artagnan

Yes, yet another version of the Dumas book. This one has the virtue of being actually French. The vibe is somewhat gritty: the fights include guns and punching rather than only elegant sword work. Many of buildings are actual historic buildings rather something fairly see-through cobbled together on a computer. We get Vincent Cassel and Romain Duris as Athos and Aramis, plus Louis Garrel as the king. I’ve never really got Eva Green but she makes perfect sense as Milady. What’s added (from what I remember of the book) is a conspiracy involving a war-hungry faction at court and the Protestant rebellion.* Anyway, this is a solid and satisfying period action movie.

*To be clear, the siege of La Rochelle is in the book - it’s what leads to that that’s new here.

Maestro

Are you intrigued by the idea of current movie stars attempted many-layered 1940s accents? How about a film half in the lushest of lush black & white and half in fairly authentic-looking late 1960s colour, also rather beautiful? Tidal waves of great, great music? Fully committed performances? Some genuinely extraordinary, including a scene where biopic slips into ballet…

Bradley Cooper’s Leonard Bernstein biopic is wildly ambitious, and it succeeds more than I was anticipating. Cooper, as often, gives a better performance than I expect him to. Carey Mulligan is excellent as Felicia Montealegre, Bernstein’s wife, even if the accent escapes her occasionally. It looks and sounds incredible.

But? It’s a big film with a small story at its heart. Firstly, what happens to a marriage between two people in the arts when their careers have very different trajectories? 'Isn’t the only other film Cooper has directed A Star Is Born?', you point out correctly.

Secondly, what happens to that marriage if it begins with the acceptance that one of this pair is going to continue shagging other people, but once there are kids to consider that seems less cool and you don’t feel like trying to explain to your daughter why her middle-aged father is chasing young men around, especially because this is only the 1970s…

I’m certainly not saying a film needs to say big stuff. But Maestro has a scale and sense of importance that seems at odds with what it wants to talk about. We do get some scenes with Bernstein pronouncing about music in grand terms – and those are the worst parts of the movie. But other than hearing the tunes, we don’t really get much of a sense of why Bernstein was such an imposing cultural figure. Credit to Cooper for acknowledging the pivot that most based-on-real-life stories take if they span a fair bit of time: things are fun, and then they are difficult. In Maestro, that fun part is not just in b&w, but the rules of space and time don’t apply. As we’re watching them, that’s clearly the case within scenes, but as we learn in the colour second half, things that you would have guessed took a couple of weeks took several years. All of that first part, it seems but is never stated, was lovely memories that edit all the tricky stuff.

Not a wholly successful film then, but one I’m really glad I watched and even a little regretful I didn’t see it on the big screen. (Netflix)

Creed III

Better than Creed II, nowhere near as good as Creed. Michael B Jordan does a decent job as the director and introduces some interesting visual elements. There’s no Stallone, which I’m fine with. The issue is a classic genre film trap: how to get the main character back to doing the thing the franchise needs them to do, even though that’s a terrible choice. Weirdly, for once, if this was hyper-realism, that wouldn’t be a problem – legendary boxers clamber out of retirement and back into the ring the whole time, often repeatedly. But in this movie, Adonis Creed seems to have too much going on – as the beautiful, successful guy with a beautiful, talented family – and to be too smart to get himself clobbered again. True to life, but somehow implausible within this fiction.

(Prime)

Babylon

Damien Chazelle’s massive, noisy discursion on the history of Hollywood is a film I definitely enjoyed talking about – there was so much to debate. But it was probably more fun talking about it than it was watching the last two hours of the movie (maybe watch the two big set pieces at the start and then stop?)

Full review here

Air

Schlubby dudes sit around in dingy offices arguing about the details of a deal for a young athlete to endorse a shoe. Not a painful watch, but nothing that Affleck/Damon manage here convinces me that this is a story worthy of cinema and not a very long Nike ad.

Full review here

Barbie

On the one hand, most of Barbie was fun, and an impressive feat of multi-level storytelling (eg, the very niche joke at the expense of fans of 1990s indie band Pavement.) Could’ve done without the Will Ferrell and Rhea Perlman bits, but a billion-dollar box office movie taking the piss out of the patriarchy is a great thing.

On the other, as much as I want to celebrate popular art, in my heart I know I’d rather Gerwig was making films like Lady Bird or Mistress America. Much as I hope Boden and Fleck’s future work is more like Sugar or Mississippi Grind than Captain Marvel, and that Cate Shortland goes back to films like Somersault and Lore instead of Black Widow.

Ferrari

In some ways, this could be a companion piece to Maestro – another film about wife who has sort-of-tolerated the chronic infidelity of her giant-of-the-20th-century husband. Although, in this case, he's only cheating with women and by the time the film is set – the late 1950s – only one woman. In Michael Mann's movie, Adam Driver plays Enzo Ferrari, Penélope Cruz Laura Ferrari and Shailene Woodley the mistress. These people, you may have noticed, are not Italian. Yes, this is a film in English in which the actors do accents to indicate they are speaking Italian (the bit players, confusingly, talk actual Italian). I'm generally not in favour of that approach. This isn't a biopic, as such – it seemingly takes place over a few months as Enzo faces simultaneous work and personal crisis, linked by Laura, who was his work partner as well as spouse. Cruz is excellent value as the fuming, grieving Laura. Driver – has his hair ever been this short on film – is good too, and wears excellent suits. It looks lovely, too – whatever issues Mann had during the early digital switchover (Collateral?!) are long past. But the ending just fizzles out, in a way that leaves me wondering (other than Cruz being entertainingly furious) what this was all about. And the big events just before that are handled in a way I found both clunky and kind of distasteful. (I feel you need to be at least somewhat careful portraying real-life tragedies on screen. And also announcing your characters bear no responsibility when with all things taken into account, they do.) One of those films that I was very into when I was watching, but increasingly less so on the walk home.

No Hard Feelings

The sort-of-return of the once weirdly popular older-woman-deflowers-kid ‘raunchy comedy’ genre. This being 2023, the kid is a legal 19 but socially awkward, inexperienced etc (I mean, to be fair, there are a lot of people like that). Jennifer Lawrence plays the desperate-for-cash local who is hired by a Princeton-bound nerd’s parents to make a man of him. The film is well cast, and some of the jokes work… ‘the hey! we’ve all learned something’ stuff maybe less so. Pretty OK.

The Killer

Michael Fassbender plays a stat-bore hitman in David Fincher’s fan-boy-pleasing thriller. Some generally sane critics reckon it’s a blinder. I reckon it’s cliched, obvious and very grating. (Many of the arguments in its favour are based on the idea that it is Fincher taking the piss out of himself – to which I say, who cares?)

Starts well as Fassbender is patiently doing the tedious prep for a kill in Paris, but goes duff quickly once he’s off on the obligatory revenge kick. Fassbender’s American accent is horrible, the gags are thumpingly obvious and yet triple-underlined in case you didn’t get them the first time. I kept hoping against hope that one of Fassbender’s enemies would finish him off and we’d be done with all of this. Tilda Swinton is good but she only gets one scene. (Fassbender had a supporting role in Fincher’s bestie Steven Soderbergh’s somewhat similar Haywire, which – for my money – is way better.)

(Netflix)

Love At First Sight

Industry wisdom is the romcom is one of the genres people will no longer pay to see in a cinema but will consume happily on streaming. Netflix is notorious for putting out loads of them with TV-movie production levels. This is maybe one of their higher budget efforts? I saw it because Haley Lu Richardson was great in two of my favourite movies of recent times: Columbus and Support The Girls.

LAFS* feels like three different ideas chucked together. First, a high-concept romcom with lots of vibrant colours and some bollocks about fate and Jameela Jamil as the narrator who pops up in turn as a flight attendant, immigration officer, bartender, helpful passerby…** Secondly, your contemporary British comedy where the characters are all wearyingly eccentric (so many British films, whether comedies or thrillers, just try far too hard.) Thirdly, a melancholy film about two people in pain who make a connection on a transAtlantic flight. Unsurprisingly, these three ideas constantly undermine each other. (Oh, and the London geography is just distractingly nonsense.)

*The title of the book this is adapted from is The Statistical Probability Of Love At First Sight, which is a much better match for the theme and tone of the story.

**An idea seemingly nicked, as I’m happy to admit I didn’t know when I watched it, from Max Ophuls’ 1950 classic La Ronde, emphatically not a romcom.

(Netflix)

Documentaries

Squaring The Circle: The Story Of Hipgnosis

What was Hipgnosis, you ask? Hipgnosis was a little company that designed the covers of long-playing records, most famously for Pink Floyd and Led Zeppelin. Its founders Storm Thorgerson and Po Powell were dope-smoking chums of the future members of (The) Pink Floyd in Cambridge (the city, not the university) who had enough photographic and graphic design nous to turn a favour for mates into a lucrative career.

Everyone in this documentary talks about how grumpy Thorgerson (who died in 2013) was: ‘He was rude to everyone,’ someone says. Now, as it happens, a long, long time ago I used to interview designers and photographers about famous album covers for a rock magazine. Almost all these chats happened over the phone… except for the one with Thorgerson about the Floyd’s Wish You Were Here. Thorgerson invited me over to his large, comfortable north-west London home and we sat drinking tea as he told me about how the LP sleeve had come about. As I remember it, he was an excellent host and I sat there feeling guilty about how bloody hideous I thought almost all of his work was and how unbearable his old mates’ music was. Maybe he’d mellowed by then.

Anyway, this documentary was made by Anton Corbijn, legendary rock photographer/terrible feature film director, which accounts for the interviewees being shot in elegant, flattering b&w. Corbijn’s movies are utterly humourless so it’s a pleasant surprise to find plenty of chuckles here. The heart of the film, indeed, is a series of tales from the mid-1970s in which the album shoots involve vast expense, effort, travel time and even danger… and afterwards everyone decides for all the record buyers will notice, it could have been done round the corner or just in the studio…

If you like a rock dinosaur, there’s a bunch here: Planty! Pagey! Macca! Gabriel! And the surviving Floyds, of course. Speaking of which, my big concern watching this was the presence of Roger Waters and Noel Gallagher, both extremely low-quality human beings. Fortunately, restricted to talking about album covers (both) and the early days (Waters) they are non-toxic. Just why Gallagher is here is a different question. He has no connection to Hipgnosis – not as a client nor even (as far as made the cut) as a fan. He just talks about album artwork in general, including his daughter not knowing it was a thing that exists. So he’s effectively the cut-price Bono, here to provide uninformed vibes and enthusiasm – but as the man who shot U2’s most famous images, surely Corbijn could have got the real thing?

There’s a tradition of documentaries – which I think this fits into – that work two ways depending on how you feel about the subjects. If you think the cover of (say) Led Zep’s Houses Of The Holy is a great piece of image-making, here’s the inside story of how it came about. On the other hand, if you find the aesthetics of 1970s rock grotesque or funny, then this is an entertaining account of how completely everyone lost the plot as the cash (and coke) rolled in. (Netflix)

Little Richard: I Am Everything

You can see why people want to make documentaries these days about Little Richard – he was black, he was gay, he did some drag early in his career and certainly had no truck with the 20th-century western version of masculinity. In 2023, if you want to celebrate a rock ’n’ roll pioneer, he’s more appealing than one of those white guys with their child brides. (Before we overtip the balance, it's almost certain that Richard also had sex with teenage girls when he was an adult, even if they weren’t his main area of interest.)

The big problem I had with this film – which got some rapturous reviews – is not its fault at all. What happened was that earlier in the year I had seen the BBC’s Little Richard: The King And Queen Of Rock’n’Roll, which has some of the same interviewees (plus Keef rather than Mick as their Rolling Stone), much of the same archive and – as the title suggests – the same contemporary take. I Am Everything’s director Lisa Cortes does try to do some things to make this movie-like, including having clouds of glitter and bursts of high-speed nature montages. She also has some current musicians in to a play a few songs, almost always a bad move in a music documentary. There are some good academics etc here, but alas, if you’ve recently heard all this stuff, I Am Everything doesn’t add that much. But if you’re not familiar with this story, this is a great place to start.

4 notes · View notes