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kpophours · 4 years

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a very necessary guide to The Boyz

➥ basic information

debuted on December 6, 2017 with Boy

currently consisting of 11 members (they used to be 12 members, but Hwall sadly departed from the group in October 2019 due to his ongoing ankle injury)

signed under Cre.ker Entertainment

their official fanclub name is “THEB” (aka deobi)

no official colors yet (we’re waiting, Cre.ker)

they have an official YouTube, Instagram, Twitter and vlive

they had their first win with Bloom Bloom in 2019

discography: four EPs (The First, The Start, The Only, Dreamlike), two Singles (The Sphere, Bloom Bloom), a special Single (White), one full album (Reveal), one Japanese release (Tattoo)

recently won mnet’s Road to Kingdom and should have participated in Kingdom this year, but sadly, the show has been postponed indefinitely

currently preparing for a comeback (September 2020)

... now onto the members!

➥ hyung line: Sangyeon, Jacob, Younghoon, Hyunjae

▸ Lee Sangyeon - leader, main vocalist

born on November 4, 1996 (a Scorpio and the oldest member of tbz)

(not your typical) leader - he’s not really “the dad”, but truly more of an older brother to the others

often teases and pranks the other members and is one of the funniest members according to their “Who’s Who” video (see: video recs)

writes own songs - super talented and dedicated, a really hard worker

has a beautiful deep, soul filled voice (we’d LOVE to hear more of it @cre.ker) - check out his performance on King of Masked Singer

according to Eric, he’s the member with the best body - really likes to work out and is stacked™

he really, really loves mangos

says he’s not cute but is obviously very wrong about that

has a super cute smile and adorable laugh

looked too beautiful with pink hair (deobi will never recover)

super bad at literally any game - always, ALWAYS loses when it comes to rock-paper-scissors (would be hilarious if it weren’t so sad)

some fun facts: his mbti is ESFP-T (he doesn’t believe in those kind of tests though), he’s good at impersonating others (especially Eric), he has an older sister (who has two sons, Sangyeon is a super cute uncle to them which he recently showed in his BOYLOG - WARNING: extreme cuteness!)

▸ Jacob Bae - lead vocalist

born on May 30, 1997 (a Gemini, but he very rarely shows it)

his Korean name is Bae Joon Young

kinda the mom of the group, but his official title is the angel™ (he literally never gets angry, he doesn’t even curse! how does he do that even his older brother says they never fought while growing up)

is from Toronto and therefore ½ of Canadian and ⅓ of English line - so he’s obviously fluent in English!

really improved his dancing skills over the years and it shows (unofficial member of dance line, fight me cre.ker)

beautiful soft vocals, amazing high notes (see their Mirotic cover)

plays the guitar and composes/writes his own songs

an MC for Simply K-Pop together with Kevin

½ of the superior “MoonBae” ship (aka married to Kevin - they’re super cute together, truly just two halves of the same idiot)

used to play volleyball and basketball and is really good at both, has apparently been working out a lot recently (rip his stans)

some fun facts: his mbti is INFP-T, his family adopted a new dog and named him after him/gave him the nickname “Cobi” ("your family replaced you... with a canine” - Kevin Moon, 2020), has an older brother, is left-handed, used to be the biggest fan of cereal (literally stocked boxes of it inside his room)

▸ Kim Younghoon - vocalist, visual

born on August 8, 1997 (but the most untypical Leo ever - only shows he’s a Leo like, once a year)

tallest member and ⅓ of the so called “Bermuda line” (aka the visuals™)

an under appreciated vocalist - his performance on King of Masked Singer more than showed how amazing his voice actually is (LET HIM SING CRE.KER)

has a “cool/cold look” at first, but is actually the softest, shyest, most precious squish on this planet (and has super soft puppy eyes)

kinda bad at life - needs to be protected because he’s just so clumsy, pouts when he’s about to cry (me, immediately: *cries with him*)

sometimes just randomly zones out and dissociates for a bit

fell down the stairs and injured his collarbone (I TOLD YOU HE NEEDS TO BE PROTECTED) before their Europe Tour and the Reveal promotions and therefore didn’t participate in the choreography

loves loves loves LOVES dogs so much and (his family) has a poodle (we stan Bori in this household)

the softest™ when trying to speak English (I‘m not crying, I‘m just really allergic to his extreme cuteness)

was a model for the Seoul Fashion Week in 2017 (together with Juyeon)

some fun facts: his mbti is INFP-J (there are four (4) introverts in tbz and they all share the exact same mbti), has an older brother, appeared in I.O.I’s Whatta Man music video, was recently cast as the second lead for the drama Love Revolution (his first ever acting role! the world should look out for actor!Hoon), is a BTS fanboy (his bias is Taehyung/V)

▸ Lee Jaehyun (aka “Hyunjae”) - lead vocalist, lead dancer, visual

born on September 17, 1997 (a Virgo)

also one of the tall members and another third of the “Bermuda Line”

an amazing dancer and a great vocalist (had like, 98% of the lines in No Air, so he’s pretty much an undercover main vocal)

an allrounder

seems quiet and chill at first. DO NOT BE FOOLED!!!

he is: l o u d . a bit annoying but also very cute without trying (actually really dislikes doing aegyo). hear someone loud in the background (especially laughing)? yep. that’s him! you found him, congrats.

also very caring and soft, takes great care of the younger members (when he’s not behaving like one of the younger members himself, that is)

also nags them a lot though (at least according to Eric)

the biggest Iron Man fanboy (like, legit wrote a fan letter to Iron Man when he visited the Marvel studios in NYC he’s just so cute)

l o v e s, no, ADORES kids and dogs

also really loves fried chicken

the biggest IU fanboy! very recently covered her song When Love Passes By for their A to BOYZ cover series

MWOHASEYO (don’t ask, just watch)

some fun facts: his mbti is ENFJ-A, he has an older sister, he’s really close with Pentagon’s Kino (they had some very cute interactions during Road to Kingdom), he can spin literally any object (a very weird, random talent tbh), has very skinny legs (so... literally a skinny legend)

➥ middle aka ’98 line: Juyeon, Kevin, New, Q

▸ Lee Juyeon - main dancer, vocalist

born on January 15, 1998 (a Capricorn)

the last third of the tall and “Bermuda line”

an amazing dancer - he trained very hard to be where he is now (went viral as “the bucket hat guy” from their Bad Guy dance practice with the 1MILLION dance studio)

has a very soft, beautiful voice needs more lines

has very sharp features and beautiful eyes - his personality is very different from his cold looks though, he’s actually very soft, caring and thoughtful

he’s very gullible and innocent (also needs to be protected), therefore often the victim of jokes - most people think he’s a bit dumb thanks to that, but he’s really not: he likes to read, watches a lot of documentaries, and is just more on the quiet side in general, he likes to think before he speaks (unlike Hyunjae for example, no shade)

also very clumsy (never leave him and Younghoon alone together, please)

booked and busy! had like, a trillion photo shoots just this year, and was also a model for the Seoul Fashion Week 2017

very bad at taking selfies but he tries and we love him nevertheless

can speak Japanese and English, is also a really good cook

an MC for The Show (aka the “JuShow”)

some fun facts: his mbti is ENTP-T, is very flexible (especially for his height), he likes to work out, has a younger brother, was on the show Law of the Jungle (he really likes nature), biggest U-Know (TVXQ) fanboy (legit cried when he met him), likes to play basketball, has gigantic hands (20.5cm a bit excessive but okay)

▸ Kevin Moon - main vocalist

born on February 23, 1998 (a soft Pisces boy™)

his Korean name is Moon Hyung Seo

the other half of Canadian line aka MoonBae (therefore, married to Jacob)

is from Vancouver and fluent in English (⅓ of English line)

yes, he’s the living meme you probably know from all the “funny kpop videos” compilations, quotes vines on a daily basis

SO much more than just the meme-ber though, he’s extremely talented - BIG BRAIN ENERGY, his creativity legit knows NO LIMITS

has amazing drawing skills (that he often shares with deobi on Twitter) - actually designed the group’s logo tbz use for their official Twitter account

can play the piano and guitar (he’s truly just so talented and amazing - STAN KEVIN MOON Y’ALL)

HAS ONE OF THE BEST VOICES EVER AND WE’D ALL REALLY LOVE TO HEAR MORE OF IT ONE DAY, CRE.KER

can cook really well

also writes his own lyrics/songs

an MC for Simply K-Pop together with Jacob

undercover visual (have you seen his cheekbones?! almost made me cry with his beauty when he had long wavy hair)

“I have no lips” - Kevin Moon, 2020

some fun facts: his mbti is INFP-T, has an older sister, his parents named him after watching “Home Alone” (iconic behavior right there), has a kinda embarrassing past (some of the pictures and videos… uh well, let’s just say he was born a meme legend), he participated in the show K-Pop Star before becoming a trainee

▸ Choi Chanhee (aka “New”) - main vocalist

born on April 26, 1998 (a Taurus)

literally the prettiest human alive

legit looks like an angel (how is he not an official visual?!), but is a savage (and extremely funny, lowkey judges his members 24/7)

a bit of a drama queen but he’s so cute it’s okay

amazing vocal skills, does most of the ad-libs

looks too cute in a beret, that should be illegal

gets bullied by the other members, which is kinda fair but also a bit (too) much sometimes (#letChanheelive2020)

is a math genius, can calculate extremely big numbers inside his head and FASTER THAN AN ACTUAL CALCULATOR (this is SORCERY)

½ of the other iconic duo beside MoonBae aka “NyuKyu” (together with Changmin aka “Q”) - you heard of dumb and dumber, now get ready for New and Q!

takes the best selfies, holds the official title of Selfie King (according to the others, he takes the most selfies - according to himself, he doesn’t even take that many but just takes them in a very obvious way, so the others always notice him doing so)

almost breaks his neck taking selfies

used to have a lot of half-time jobs before becoming a trainee

one of the members in charge of cooking (idk why, he managed to melt a spoon once)

doesn’t know how to swim (because - and I quote - ”he’s a CEO’s son”)

puts MILK FIRST, AND THEN CEREAL it’s over, he’s cancelled

some fun facts: his mbti is INFP-T, he really hates tomatoes, he has a tattoo (a cross on his left pinky), has an older brother, lowkey looks like a Volturi, dropped Younghoon’s new sunglasses TWICE which Hoon will never let him forget, he once accidentally ate a plastic fork (don’t ask)

▸ Ji Changmin (aka “Q”) - main dancer, vocalist

born on November 5, 1998 (yep, another Scorpio)

one of the best dancers in the industry (everyone can fight me on this) - went viral for his improvised dance to the Mario music

STAGE DEMON, has one of the best stage presences EVER, goes from 0 to 100 in literally no time

so cute it HURTS and takes the best boyfriend aesthetic pics (all moodboard makers thank him for this)

has dimples he likes to poke when saying “music cue (q)” (me: *cries*)

has a veeeeeeeeeeeeery long neck

can impersonate a giraffe and a pigeon

½ of NyuKyu aka dumb and dumber (WE LOVE BFFS) - they have some very iconic (cooking) vlives together

he’s very - and I say this with all my love - weird

or, to say it more diplomatically, “unusual”: LOVES horror movies and has had Annabelle as his iPad background for the longest time now (according to himself, they apparently recently broke up though rip our favorite otp), says his favorite beverage at Starbucks are the napkins (???????), literally BEGGED Kevin to let him buy a stuffed pigeon plushie when they visited New York, says the creepy nun from The Conjuring is cute (again: ?????? *whispers* is he okay)

dolphin screams™ (you’ve been warned, turn down your volume)

got lost in New York City together with Kevin (never let them take the metro ever again, at least not... unsupervised)

has a poodle named Ghana and adores him (see this BOYLOG where he just hangs with his puppy, 10/10 recommend watching that)

some fun facts: his mbti is ESFP-T (same as Sangyeon, doesn’t believe in those kind of tests either), has two older sisters, is ambidextrous (but mostly uses his left hand), is really good at playing the piano (won a price in elementary school), his English name is James aka the most generic English name ever (no shade, no hate)

➥ maknae line: Haknyeon, Sunwoo, Eric

▸ Ju Haknyeon - lead dancer, vocalist, rapper

born on March 12, 1999 (another Pisces!)

he is half Chinese, half Korean and lived in Hong Kong for a while

speaks some Mandarin, a bit of Cantonese and also some English

also one of the allrounders of the group (I SAID WHAT I SAID)

an AMAZING dancer! is really good at freestyling

taught himself how to b-boy

such a rich, amazing, stable voice (*bass boosted* more lines for Hak)

one of the funniest and most random members

very loud, randomly bursts into songs all the time even sings when sneezing

just generally really, really sweet and nice

before debut, he participated in the second season of mnet’s Produce 101 (was eliminated in Ep. 11 and ranked #19) - The Boyz were actually often referred to as “Juhaknyeon’s group” before/shortly after their debut

he’s a very good eater and eats A LOT (FINALLY A RELATABLE IDOL)

his family lives on Jeju Island and owns a pig farm - because of that (and because he eats a lot), one of his nicknames is “pig/piggie”

has a blindingly bright smile and is such an underrated visual

yes, you can probably drown in his beautiful, deep chocolate eyes

he and Hwall accidentally became thieves in NYC (they forgot to pay for their food, but went back later to do so so no jail time!)

some fun facts: his mbti is ENTJ-T, he’s really close with Seventeen’s Seungkwan, he has two sisters (one younger, one older), NOT a morning person AT all (relatable), really good at organizing stuff (as seen during the Battle Trip to Jakarta episodes with Hyunjae), really good and fast at peeling tangerines

▸ Kim Sunwoo - main rapper, vocalist

born on April 12, 2000 (an Aries and his fire sign nature shows)

a flawless rapper, just... truly superb. also an amazing dancer !

actually auditioned to be a vocalist (so he has amazing vocals, too), but became a rapper instead

tbz’ unofficial stuntman (as seen during Road to Kingdom), even though he’s actually really scared of heights

can play the guitar

on the other end of the “lip spectrum” - because unlike Kevin, Sunwoo has a lot of them (lemme just *smooch*)

literally one of the wittiest, most savage people on this planet (GOOGLE SEARCH: HOW TO BE SO FUNNY)

used to drink a lot of juice to keep himself healthy

is really good at soccer and used to play when he was younger

beautiful deep brown eyes that hold every star and galaxy in them

Mr. Coconut Hair™ (really makes it work though - still, every deobi screams when we get to see his forehead (which is like, once a year if we’re lucky))

a real stage demon but in reality an actual baby™ + scaredy cat needs to be protected at all costs

had a mental breakdown when he had to eat a bug after losing rock-paper-scissors

always yells “GO AWAY ANNA” whenever someone knocks on his door (especially if it’s New)

some fun facts: his mbti is ENTP-A, has a younger sister (who’s taller than him, he’s really salty about that), he’s really close to some of the other ‘00 liners in the industry, he understands English quite well but doesn’t really speak it, also contributes to a lot of tbz’ songs

▸ Eric Son - maknae, lead dancer, lead rapper, vocalist

born on December 22, 2000 (another Capricorn)

his Korean name is Son Young Jae

he was born in South Korea, but grew up in Los Angeles and is therefore fluent in English (⅓ of English line)

a great dancer (knows soooo many choreographies, it’s insane)

an amazing rapper (deserves more lines!)

hyper 24/7 watching him makes me tired, where does he get all that energy from

talks fast and a lot. never shuts up. you can’t make him. he tries to tell you one (1) story, but ends up telling 10 different ones along the way.

really good a baseball and loves to watch games

super close to Juyeon and used to go to Ju’s place during holidays as his own family lives in the US (my JuRic heart)

really neat and tidy, loves to clean maybe almost a bit neurotic about it

just generally really, really cute ???

a huge GOT7 fanboy (RELATABLE)

a thot on stage, should not be left unsupervised

close friends with Stray Kids’ Felix (his best idol friend according to himself)

also close to GOT7’s Mark (they’re also really cute together)

performed CPR on a watermelon once (it sadly still died, Eric gets an A for effort though)

some fun facts: his mbti is ENFJ-A, he has an older sister (who lives in New York), does NOT look like the maknae which often confuses people, really good and fast at solving Rubix cubes

➥ former member: Hwall

Heo Hyunjoon (aka “Hwall”) - lead dancer, lead rapper, vocalist

born March 9, 2000 (yet another Pisces!)

from Busan

such a good dancer, truly incredible

very soft rap tone

looks a bit like a cat

is very acrobatic

has a “cool” persona, but is actually just a certified babie boy™

used to live in the Philippines for four years and can speak English

the official fashionista of tbz, some of his outfits are truly just iconic

his signature aegyo is to shoot an arrow at deobis’ hearts (Hwall actually means “bow” in Korean)

can get very clingy with some members

had to sit out during D.D.D promotions and decided to leave The Boyz in 2019 (he’s still in the music video though!)

in August 2020, it was announced that he left Cre.ker Entertainment and established his own label called Dia Note

the same month, he debuted as Hyunjun Hur with the song Baragi

you can follow his official Instagram and YouTube

some fun facts: his mbti is ENFP, he’s still in contact with the other members (said he especially misses Juyeon and Hyunjae *sobs*), his role model is BTS’ Jimin and he actually went to the same dance academy (also knows pretty much all their choreographies/songs by heart)

➥ some videos to watch

all their music videos of course

all their live stages/performances too

BuzzFeed’s Who’s Who

Metro UK’s Quick Questions

their Billboard interview

their Weekly Idol episode

their Idol Room episode

their Road to Kingdom performances: Sword of Victory, Danger, Reveal, Heroine, Quasi una Fantasia, Checkmate

their dance covers: Girls Generation’s The Boys + GOT7′s Hard Carry’, TVXQ’s Mirotic, TWICE’s What is Love, EXO’s Love me Right, EXO’s Call me Baby, Super Junior’s Sorry Sorry

Q, Haknyeon and Jacob for the Idol dance cover challenge

their Billie Eilish Bad Guy stage for KCON 2019 + the dance practice

their dance cover medley

drop the dance at KCON 2019

their performance on Immortal Songs

Q’s Mario dance

their Halloween dance practice for Bloom Bloom

their “Identity Film: Generation Z” videos which show a very different side of each member

my personal emotional support kpop video

The Boyz - The Play “Mafia game” (aka a mess™)

their A to BOYZ cover series (five members have been released so far): Jacob, Hyunjae, Sunwoo, Juyeon, Q

and if you have the time: their whole The Castle concert

➥ their shows

The Boyz - Summer Vacation

The Boyz in New York City

Come On! The Boyz

Come On! The Boyz School

The Boyz - Flower Snack (pre-debut)

The Boyz - The 100 (shortly after debut)

The Boyz - Otoseyo (Japanese show)

The Boyz - The Mission

The Boyz - The Play

there are literally endless videos on YouTube - especially “The Boyz memes” / “funny The Boyz compilations” and so on, but I won’t include those here as you can easily find them on your own !

... and that’s it (for now), if you have any questions, don’t hesitate to send an ask - and please give their new comeback lots of love, they are so talented, funny, dedicated and hardworking, and truly just deserve the whole world 💞

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clexa--warrior · 4 years

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Hey, Have You Heard About This Coronavirus Thing? Crazy Shit, Right? (Ferret/Shower Cap)

History texts depicting this period will read like deranged Choose Your Adventure books written by sadists; no matter how frantically you flip backwards, you just can’t seem to find the page when you still had the option to vote for the really smart lady with the email server. Anyway, join me for a quick news round-up, it won’t take long, and when we’re done, I give you permission to run away to join a roving Thai monkey street gang.

(As always, find this post WITH nifty news links here: http://showercapblog.com/hey-have-you-heard-about-this-coronavirus-thing-crazy-shit-right/)

For those of you just waking up from a Rip Van Winkle nap, the United States is facing a massive, coast-to-coast, health crisis, whose tragic consequences have exploded exponentially because our Idiot Manchild President really believed, in that churning campground septic tank he calls a mind, that protecting his personal approval ratings by understating the problem was more important than the health and safety of the American public. I don’t know what you can call that but murder. On the one hand, it’s weird to say “wow, the President murdered a bunch Americans through boneheaded, unforgivably selfish, neglect,” but we already saw him get away with precisely that crime in Puerto Rico, so here we are.

Now, I have come to expect malice from the federal government under Hairplug Himmler, but sometimes their capacity for raw, senseless, evil still shocks me. This is my way of saying that, until they got fucking caught, the Department of, and Someone Should Slap the Word Out of Their Filthy Mouths, Justice attempted to remove CDC fliers offering potentially life-saving information regarding the coronavirus from...immigration courtrooms. My God. What a small but potent horror. Feels like the work of an ambitious intern in Stephen Miller’s office, doesn’t it? Trying to impress the boss? Just a sinister little trick, to spread a little more pain, a little more misery, a little more death in an already vulnerable, and whatta-coincidence-nonwhite, community? Fuck these awful, awful, people.

It seems President Liposuction Clinic Dumpster has been calling up leading Taliban terrorists on a secret U.S. kill-or-capture list, presumably to trade tips n’ tricks on how to undermine the USA at home and abroad. Now, negotiating with these murderous dirtbags is a big diplomacy no-no (and of course Donnie Dotard got rolled anyway) but in all honestly, if I had access to a secret kill list contact sheet, I’d probably give in to the temptation to make some prank calls. “Is your refrigerator running? Yeah? Are you sure it’s not a FLEET OF DRONES ABOVE YOU RIGHT NOW?”

For Jeff Sessions, the wages of sin turned out to be a faceful of Trump-branded fecal matter, as the Candycorn Skidmark, whose campaign Ol’ Beauregard embraced way back before fascism was cool in conservative circles, endorsed his opponent in the coming Alabama Senate runoff. How must it feel to have been the very fellow who flipped the switch on the Rube Goldberg/Mousetrap Board Game device that destroyed America, and to watch the machine work its destructive magic for years, only to realize it’s also got one special crotch punt in store for just you personally. I’d feel bad for Bilbo Bigot, if it he weren’t, y’know, one of the very worst people alive.

Alex Jones got arrested for drunk driving, and, upon his release, got right back to work selling...sigh...selling some bullshit toothpaste that he’s telling the rubes magically cures the coronavirus. Authorities are cracking down on Jones and fellow charlatan Jim Bakker over their odious snake oil peddling enterprises, but I don’t know what’s more shocking and disappointing to me, that there are such vile fuckwads in the world, who seek to profit off the fear of the misinformed during times of crisis, or that said fuckwads have so many blind, willing, disciples?

Speaking of fuckwads, Ron Johnson seems to have backed down, for now at any rate, from his quest to stage a show trial for Hunter Biden in the U.S Senate. And that’s awesome and all, but never forget how ready, how eager, RoJo has been, to corruptly manipulate the vast powers of the government for his democracy-stomping Turdlord’s political benefit. Ron is the kind of fellow you’d have found stamping documents outside trains bound for Dachau.

But yeah, I suppose the big story is still that coronavirus thing. Great choice on evolution’s part, the way symptoms don’t necessarily manifest right away, so we can spread that shit around without knowing we’re even infected. Anyway, I made sure to thoroughly disinfect tonight’s blog before posting, and medical professionals inform me that though the virus can linger on plastic and metal surfaces for as long as days, it cannot survive on a poo joke, so please rest easy, knowing you can safely consume this content in comfort. Unless you're reading it next to somebody with the coronavirus, but that's on you, kid.

The Shart Administration has actually slowed progress in this crucial fight, by classifying high-level coronavirus meetings, because they’re more worried about congressional oversight of their crimes n’ fuckups than they are about OUR LIVES, and y’know what, I do believe I’ll be voting Democrat this November.

And of course, many conservatives are more concerned with blaming the virus on the Chinese than preventing its spread; by gum, there’s no need to abandon yer principles, even when your ineptitude is getting countless folks sick and/or killed! “We may be a cabal of dangerously incompetent assclowns, but let none forget that we are also RACIST assclowns!”

With the stock market finally catching up to the rest of the world in noticing a pudding-brained twit had inexplicably been placed in charge of the most powerful nation in history, Pumpkin Spice Pol Pot oozed into the Oval Office for a prime time speech, and if his goal was “fuck up the entire world as much as humanly possible in ten short minutes,” then he succeeded beyond his wildest imaginings.

It was a speech that completely failed to reassure, instead reminding the world that this drooling manbaby, this bathtub drain hair clog in an ill-fitting suit, truly is President of the Entire United Fucking States, and not only is he light years out of his element but he’s probably spending most of his time practicing his “the world is ending, you have to go out with me now” phone call to Salma Hayek rather than pursuing desperately-needed solutions.

Despite being on teleprompter, with the text of the fucking speech right fucking in front of him, Dorito Mussolini somehow managed to catastrophically misrepresent his own administration’s policies, dropping one more cartoon anvil on the stock market’s already-throughly-bludgeoned ballsack. This is, of course, on top of nonsensical non-solutions like banning travel from Europe, when the virus had already had weeks to spread throughout the country thanks to presidential bungling and neglect.

For 73 years, this cretin has somehow never encountered a problem he couldn’t lie, buy, or bully his way out of, but COVID-19 doesn’t care how much money your daddy gave you, little man. And may I say, on behalf of the thousands who are about to become sick, fuck you. Fuck you eternally with a rusty shovel, for daring to take on such an important job without the skills, temperament, or character to execute its duties. Asshole.

In contrast, Smilin’ Joe Biden gave a speech of his own; calm, collected, solemn, and filled with concrete steps to address the problems facing the nation. And America collectively went, “Oh right, it’s actually highly abnormal to have a gibbering, rectum-mouthed, dolt for a President, and we can actually have a decent, competent, one again! Soon!” It was like leadership porn. I got aroused.

Meanwhile, our already-hopelessly-overmatched Golf Cheat in Chief is multitasking, lobbing missiles at Iran-backed militias in Iraq. I’m just hoping the buttons on his desk are clearly labeled, y’know? Or at least that there’s somebody hanging around who can tackle him before he bombs Seattle and launches 500 respirators at Tehran.

So, um, in the midst of this once-in-generation shitstorm, I guess Sarah Palin dressed up in a bear suit to perform “Baby Got Back” on a reality television program. I’m not a religious person, honestly, but I’m increasingly open to the idea that there is a God, and that s/he’s been on a meth bender since mid-2016.

Social distancing is the zany new anti-dance craze sweeping the nation as we all do our damndest to not get sick and die! As a result, public gatherings are getting called off left and right. March Madness, MLB, NBA, PGA, SXSW, Broadway...personally, I don’t think I fully appreciated the scope of this crisis until I saw the XFL shut down their season. Like, are we even America anymore without one billionaire’s sad attempt to reboot his once-failed vanity project?

As sensible organizations all over the world made painful but obviously necessary sacrifices to, y’know, slow the spread of a deadly disease and save lives, naturally the Velveeta Vulgarian was among the last holdouts, canceling his precious hate rallies only grudgingly, because the safety of even his own fervent base is secondary to the sugar rush of their rageful cheers, filling, if only for a moment, that empty space within him where most people have a soul.

Now more than ever, I am brimming over with gratitude that we took the House back in 2018. Thank god there’s a little leadership, a little accountability, a little common frickin’ sense in Washington now. And thank god for Katie Porter, one of the standouts in a freshman class packed with absolute ass-kickers, cornering the CDC chief into exercising his legal authority to make coronavirus testing free for every American. Imagine if Kevin McCarthy were running the House right now. He’d be fleeing from reporters, in mismatched loafers, trying to sell the public on a bill bailing out nothing but Trump University and Marm-a-Lago.

Well, the Emperor of Hemorrhoids finally buckled and declared (acknowledged) a state of emergency over the coronavirus, which is admittedly a pleasant change from his previous “do everything I possibly can to help the fucker spread” position. We’re still woefully behind, and god only knows how deeply the virus has penetrated while the doddering old bastard diddled and dawdled, but the good news is, the President of the United States finally moved his bloated ass out of the road so we can get to work cleaning up his mess, which is, I suppose, as close to an act of kindness as he’s come in his entire misspent, treacherous, life.

In the middle of today’s press conference, Vice President Mike Pants paused to give Boss Turdworm a rhetorical handjob seemingly designed to last through an entire 14-day quarantine. Jeeeeesus. Mikey Hairshirt was a man once. Not much of one, to be certain, but at least he didn’t have to worry about the possibility of bored schoolchildren pouring salt on him, which would of course prove swiftly fatal in his current state.

A reporter asked Government Cheese Goebbels, “Hey, if you’re not too busy fellating yourself over fucking up slightly less than you’ve been fucking up for weeks, why the fuck did you close down the pandemic office, you nation-wrecking clod?” and he whinged that the question was “nasty,” before reiterating his refusal to take responsibility for the things that are, objectively, his fault. I truly do not understand how this trembling coward’s approval rating isn’t 0%

So Nancy Pelosi spent the week trying to hammer out an emergency bill with Steve Mnuchin, but Republicans naturally balked at many necessary measures. It’s a tricky spot for the GOP; they can’t risk the mass-extermination of the underpaid labor/consumer force that keeps their donor class filthy rich, but doing anything to improve working folks’ lives is just instinctually anathematic to them. But at the time of posting, it does appear as though a deal has been reached, let’s hope no spray-tanned morons fuck it up, right?

In conclusion, I am sick of typing the word “coronavirus,” and you are sick of reading it, so let’s let’s all retreat to our quarantines for the weekend, okay? Enjoy the solitude! Read that novel you bought back in college! Watch that 425-minute Russian film set in a fish cannery! Hey, you can even peruse the archives at showercapblog.com if you feel like reliving just how the fuck it all came to this! Anyway, if you don’t hear from me for a bit, fear not, I’m turning production of this blog over to Jared Kushner, I’m sure he’ll figure it out.

#shower cap’s blog

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badlydrawndrawnings · 4 years

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13 Suspicious Incidents (ATWQ 2.5 Thoughts)

*See today is Friday the Thirteenth*

Perfect.

Did anyone as a child read Encyclopedia Brown, or Two Minutes Mysteries? I read them both as a kid (the latter is a big yikes because I think those were written for more mature audiences) and boy, I had a love/hate relationship with them. The stories were fun to read, but I found the solutions either something I never would have know/not see because I do not posses the right knowledge or not an observant person so the clues went over my head, or went ‘So apparently me doing or knowing [X] would get me arrested and/or call a fraud.’

Examples: someone hasn’t visit his friend for days, and the Doctor guy was all ‘you the killer’ because the person knew the house was being painted because he jumped the newly painted stairs and didn’t knock on the door but the window (the friend could have smell the fresh paint). Another one had a character (not the Doctor guy) use the a different term for baking soda and realized the bakery was a front (a term I don’t think even a baker would know or hell, most people would know. The fact I forgot it myself is proof that story is just wack). Something from Encyclopedia Brown had someone had their bike stolen and he went to this one kid who gave up bike riding, and trick her to riding her bike to proof she is still a decent bike rider because her bike was still in good condition (and I’m like...maybe she just takes care of her bike?).

I honestly Kermit when I starting reading 13 Suspicious Incidents because I am not strong enough to deal with those types of stories. However, I trust Daniel Handler to not get me arrested If I existed in Lemony Snicket’s world, and continue reading while hoping I’m not the fool I was as a child.

I am still that fool, but I feel happy the Snicket World got explore more.

1. Inside Job: I figured Dagmar was replacing something while Marguerite was in the mines. But I thought it was the frames...for some reason. I didn’t think it was nails that was actually pretty smart of Marguerite’s dad. [Deep Mine: I don’t want to know what the heck Dagwood is doing but I think the natural sounds are underground animals. Also notebooks found by the museum? Kit reference?.]

2. Pinched Creature: Okay, so apparently I have never seen zinnias before in my life so I felt I learn something from this story because I had to look up zinnias. I honestly did not thought the ‘doorknob salesman’ was behind the missing newt. Also, how old is Georgina? Paltryville and their eye doctor got a namedrop due to Moxie (thank goodness Oliver never went there). Okay, maybe it’s a position assigned to a VFD member and Georgina is the latest kind of like Netflix. [Backseat: I maybe be reading it wrong, but either Doctors Sobol are the criminals or it’s Bertram. I think it’s Bertram.]

3. Ransom Note: This was the only Incident I got done to a ‘T’. If Lysistrata the dog wasn’t barking it had to be someone the dog knew and the one person who fits with the need for speed was the grandpa. The image of the grandpa and the dog sticking their heads out is kind of funny. [Quiet Street: No comment other than I hope VFD isn’t there.]

4. Walkie-Talkie: I feel this is the only time I got close to tolerating Stew he just freaking outsmarted everyone with his prank just to steal food from Jake. (I hope Jake doesn’t get the pecan muffins get stolen by Stew). It’s a cruel thing, but I actually laughed my ass off at the end. [Beneath the Street: Passageway for small lizards and amphibians huh? And goes to a mine? Nice.]

5. Bad Gang: This was all for boards for a DIY bookshelf and swords to be a pirate. You go Florence and Kevin achieve your dreams by robbing stores. Nice to know Theodora has a sister. Hm...given Theodora is always getting described with her wild hair, I wonder if TWWHBNB is the sister because ‘hair’ is a description for both women. Could be a family trait. Also, is Kevin Old a child version of Kevin the Ambidextrous? Kevin is holding a board in each hand? Did the family business died out and Kevin had no choice but to go to Caligari Carnival? If that’s the case then he was maybe proud of being ambidextrous but things change? [Small Courtyard: Dagwood and Violetta are related? I thought Violetta was a made up person!]

6. Silver Spoon: I don’t want to say Smogface Wiley is Sir, in part because of Randall’s age and I get the feeling Sir is in the same ‘generation’ as the SBG. But then again, maybe Sir is a freaking sugar daddy because his family has businesses from lumber to tube socks to melons. Either way, I guess Sir’s last name is Wiley and his first name is unpronounceable? I didn’t think Smogface stole from Randall to follow the alphabet. [Missing Pets: Are the lizards stolen by Ms. Flammarion the ones Bertram stole? Who wants these lizards in the first place?]

7. Violent Butcher: You go Lemony for (temporary) locking up Drumstick’s dad in the attic for Drumstick to escape to his mom. Honestly I was more focus on the Drumstick getting the hell out of town than caring where he was hiding. [Large Meal: WHO WAS GONNA EAT THE LIZARDS? Was it Dagwood and Violetta? Oh god, is that why the lizards were in the passageway to avoid getting eaten?]

8. Twelve or Thirteen: Gary Dorian -> Picture of Dorian Gray reference? I never read it but through osmosis I know the basic idea. I thought Chase was frame by cops I never expected the wife. [Other Name: I don’t get it like how was both sides gonna help the villain be warn.]

9. Midnight Demon: So Lemony gets seasick huh? How the hell did you survived the trip on the Prospero? I actually figure Treacle was pretending to be his sister Tatiana, but the whole wig thing...I thought he put the wig on the dog not in the basket. [Sand & Shore: Are the ships in the bottom of the sea?]

10. Three Suspects: I feel so happy that this was obvious from the get thank you Daniel Handler for giving me mercy for one case and just put a sign that reads ‘hey it’s the third brother’. But uh...’Stain’d-by-the-Sea’s only library, for as long as it lasted’...what does that mean??? Also: 20-18=0 is something I never thought I read before in my life. And what was Mimi gonna say about a woman and a man (actually I don’t want to know). [Poor Joke: I hate abandon punchlines.]

11. Vanished Message: If Lemony was an adult and living by himself, he could have pour some cereal into his mouth, chew it, and drink directly from the milk carton (I did that once with a gallon of milk wasn’t too bad it’s good in a pinch and if you need to finish the milk). I am a fool for not realizing the postcard was inside the book. Also, I can’t believe Lois is VFD and Lemony has a file that could be the Snicket File (or maybe a general file label Snicket). [Message Recorded: Okay, so T is Theodora. Is Q is Qwerty? I mean, I guess Theodora can mistaken him for a VFD member I don’t think they interact much from what I can remember of the last two books and this could be their first proper meeting.]

12. Troublesome Ghost: I never had waffles before so I have to talk Lemony’s word not only Jake’s waffles are good, but (banana) waffles in general. I didn’t expect it to be Billy Decker I thought maybe we had a real ghost in town. I’m glad he and Ms. Mann got a happy ending of sorts. [Nervous Wreck: Thanks for the message?]

13. Figure in Fog: I can’t believe Qwerty just went out and call Lemony a suspicious incident, and honestly speaking, Lemony is suspicious from an outsider POV he is bringing lots of trouble that probably weren’t noticeable before he and Theodora arrived (I mean, I get it was noticeable but no one gave a second glance). Also, I want to say the figure is Ellington because I don’t think it’s a ghost (or anyone else...). [Last Word: I’m trying to think of nine letter words but I’m drawing a blank].

#all the wrong questions #atwq #13 suspicious incidents #file under: 13 suspicious incidents #asoue #a series of unfortunate events #lemony snicket #encyclopedia brown #two minute mysteries #i mean i talk about those as well?#sorry about that #this is a text post

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real-good-now · 6 years

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Letters to Juliet: Chapter 3

Chapter 1 Chapter 2

Summary: Betty Cooper dreamed of falling in love. She once thought it would be with the red-headed boy next door until he met the mysterious brunette in the pearl necklace.So, when she begins to receive anonymous love letters, she turns to the only person she knows who is not grossly in lust: her childhood best friend, Jughead Jones.

Chapter begins below the cut

“So, first things, first. What is the evidence we have collected so far?” Jug asks, getting down to business as soon as I enter the office.

I set down my bag on my desk and pull out the letter and the gardenia I placed in my textbook to press. “So far It is just these two letters and this beautiful flower.”

“The second one is new. What do you think of it?”

I begin to respond but then decide to brush off the question. “Doesn’t matter what I think. I can’t even think about my feelings until I find out who this person is.” I pick up my trusty highlighter and purple pen that I use to edit Jug’s articles and start rereading the second letter once again. When I reach the last paragraph, I say, “This guy obviously has to have known me for a long time. That eliminates anyone new to the school…”

“Great, we can eliminate Veronica. Now we have it narrowed down to the entire male student body!”

“Look, Jughead,” I snap, “I asked for your help, not your sarcasm! Now, focus. I return my eyes to the letter but I can feel his gaze linger on me. “I didn’t mean to bite your head off. I’m sorry. I just really need to find out who this is, Juggie. Please?”

“Why does this mean so much to you, Betts? He obviously doesn’t want you to know its him. Can’t you leave it alone?”

“I don’t know why. I just have to. No one has ever really felt this way about me before. I want… I need to know if it is genuine, that he actually cares and this isn’t just… Veronica trying to cheer me up or a dumb cheer initiation prank masterminded by Cheryl. That’s why you are here. You’re my best friend but you are also one of the most honest people I know. I need you to tell me this isn’t some elaborate scheme, that this seems legitimate.”

He pulls up a chair next to me and envelopes my hands in his. When he brings them up to his lips and places a gentle kiss on them, I am momentarily stunned to silence and a rush of warmth rushes through my body. He tilts my chin up so our eyes can meet and whispers, “You are amazing, Betty Cooper. You’re like Nancy Drew meets Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. You deserve love. You are too fantastic to be with anyone who treats you less than a princess.”

I am speechless. What can you say to that? Those are the most beautiful, romantic words that any person has ever said to me. I don’t do it consciously, but gravity seems to pull our faces closer— so close I can feel his breath skate over my face. I see him glance down at my lips. Just a little closer and—

Knock. Knock.

I spring out of my chair just in time to see the smiling face of Trev Brown round the corner. “Hey, Betty! I was wondering if I could talk to you for a minute?” He then seems to spot Jughead and, as a second thought, adds, “Oh, hi, Jughead.”

I take a look down at Jug only to see him staring down at his shoes. He only spares a second to half-heartedly wave at Trev before he storms out of the room.

“Is he okay? Did I interrupt something?”

I look after Jughead for a moment, still reeling from our… whatever it was, before I respond. “What? Oh, no. No. I think he’ll be fine. Anyway, what did you need?”

“Well, I was hoping I could ask you on a date, actually. Just you and me, maybe a movie, a round of milkshakes at Pop’s…”

For the second time in an hour, I feel the wind knocked out of me in shock. He’s asking me out? Me? We have known each other since pre-school and not once have I ever had an suspicion that he liked me as friends, much less romantically. We’ve talked in passing during student council functions, but never more than a few words here or there. I would’ve never guessed…

However, it seems that my mouth can process the information faster than my head can, because I hear myself say, “Sure.”

“Cool! Yeah!” He answers, his timid smile growing to a full-blown grin.

I hear him ramble on about times he is free and “I’ll text you later”, yet all I can think about Is what Jughead will think.

I am at cheer practice hours later when Cheryl announces that we will be here much longer than she originally thought.

“You bitches are a lot less capable than I gave you credit for. My mistake. Take a five minute break while I call Toni to tell her I have cancel our date because some people don’t understand their front handsprings from their hurkies!”

I collapse onto the ground, my muscles exhausted from basing far too many stunts than I ever want to. “V, can you pass me my phone in the front packet of my bag? I have to tell my mom I won’t be home in time to make the cupcakes for her book club tonight.”

“Sure, B. Oh you have a—“

I look up at her pause and see her staring intently at my phone, a look of shock or horror on her face. Which one, I’m not so sure.

“Elizabeth I-don’t-know-your-middle-name Cooper, what is this text from a Mr. Trev Brown?” She begins to read the message in a voice that is supposed to be male, but sounds more Terminator than Trev. “Hey, Betty! Just wanted to know if next Friday at six is okay for our date? Blushy smiley face! Betty! Why is this gentleman inquiring of your plans on Friday night and sending you flushing emoticons? What are you not telling me!”

She plops down on the floor next to me. I make to grab my phone but she moves it out of my reach before I can grab it and raises her eye brows at me.

“Its nothing, I promise. I was in the Blue and Gold office this morning when he came in and asked me out.”

“Oh my God! B! I didn’t even know you liked him. Good for you! I told you things would look up soon.” She pulls me up by my shoulders and gives me a big hug.

Cheryl’s commanding voice booms across the gym. “ENOUGH AFFECTION! The only times you ladies are allowed to look happy is when you are smiling through the intense pain and adrenaline coursing through your veins in the midst of the mind-blowing routine. Which is anything but mind-blowing right now! Back to work!”

Veronica helps me stand up and says, “We are not done talking about this, Ms. Cooper! I am calling Kevin and talking this out before we meet the guys at Pop’s tonight!”

In my bedroom, I sit at my vanity while Veronica does my makeup and Kevin looks through my closet to find an outfit for my date.

“Kev, I love and appreciate you for doing this, but my date is still a week away! That is plenty of time!”

“Oh, my dear, sweet Betty. This is not just any date. This is your first date. Why are you acting so blasé about this?” He kneels in front of me and V halts her war on my eyebrows.

I take a deep breath before thinking about it. Because he is right. I should probably be more excited about this. But something is keeping me from celebrating this thing that, just a few days ago, I was longing for.

But I don’t answer.

“Betty, if you aren’t really into him, maybe it’s not the best idea for you to go out on your first date with him? There is still time to back out, no shame,” Veronica hedges.

“I don’t want to cancel it. I had to have said yes for a reason. Whats the harm in one date, right?”

Then it hits me.

The letters. The flower.

I want him.

I want the guy who has been sweeping me off my feet. I want the one who writes me the sweet nothings and makes even my extra-curricular hell sound romantic. What if that guy is Trev? What if he has been writing the letters and has changed his mind about his anonymity? And this date is his way of telling me?

This date suddenly just got more interesting.

I must remain silent for too long because Kevin and Veronica have changed the subject to their own love lives.

“So I bought Archie’s anniversary gift yesterday and, I have to say, it is perfect!”

My curiosity piqued, I ask, “What did you decide to get him?”

She reaches into her purse and pulls out what looks like a ring box. When she opens the box, I see two small guitar pick-shaped silver pieces, each engraved with an “A”. “I was talking to his dad a couple weeks ago and he was saying that they have a wedding to go to soon, some friend of the family, and I asked if Archie had a pair of cufflinks. He said no, so I called a friend of Daddy’s to have these custom-made! Aren’t they the cutest?”

“Veronica, he will adore them! They are perfect!” Exclaims Kevin, stealing the box so he can examine them a little more closely.

Wait, his dad? “I thought you asked for Jughead’s help with the gift?”

“Jughead,” she scoffs “why would I need Jughead’s help? That boy is as inept with gift-giving as he is with his own damn emotions!” Kevin nods along in agreement.

“But he said that he was talking to you the other day because he needed your help with Archie’s gift?”

She seems to think for a moment before it dawns on her and she hurries to come up with an answer. “Oh, yeah, that. Right! I needed him to hide the gift somewhere Archie wouldn’t find it, but then I realized I could just put it in my purse.” She turns and nervously digs through her bag.

Its clear that this is not even close to the truth, but I know better than to try and get a secret out of Veronica Lodge. Its like her mind has a high-security vault that has a code only a select few know.

Instead, we leave for Pop’s.

When we walk into the diner, I look around and see Archie and Jughead in our signature booth. It is clear they are in mid-conversation, Archie laughing and Jughead…is he blushing? God only knows what that is about. I start to head over, but Pop calls me over to his position behind the register.

“I’ll meet you guys at the table, just give me a minute. Make sure Juggie doesn’t drink my shake before I get there!”

Before I can ask, Pop hands me a letter. It is just like the others. A plain white envelope with To my Beloved on the front.

He seems to read my mind because I can’t even get the question out before he says, “I don’t know who its from. The fella was long gone before I got back from the kitchen. It was just this and a post-it note that told me to give it to you.”

I rip it open, starving for the next installment in this saga.

_______________________

To my Juliet,

You are so much more powerful than any celestial body.

I like to think I have at least a basic understanding of astronomy. I know how a star is born, and how it dies. I know that the sun will some day consume the Earth in a fiery inferno like no life has ever seen. I know that we all orbit that very sun.

 But I have a new theory, something much more profound and ground breaking than Galileo or Newton.

I orbit you.

You have a gravitational pull that is so effortless, yet so strong, that I am powerless to resist it.

I am helpless, and I am not so sure that I want to be helped.

With each passing moment, I feel my body falling out of my own control and taking the path that you have determined for it, whether you are aware of it or not.

I cannot stop loving you, Betty Cooper, and I am not sure that I want to.

Always and forever yours, Your Romeo.

So chapter three is up! I was on vacation the past few days and I literally started writing this chapter on one of those free note pads that the hotels give you. >_<. I hope you guys like it. What could possibly be next for these two? You know what they say, one step forward, two steps back...

Thank you for all of your positivity!I hope this one lives up to the last two. Please, let me know if you like it and what you may want to see next!

#bughead #bughead fanfiction #riverdale #riverdale fanfiction #letters to juliet fanfic #Forevereverdeen

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sage-nebula · 7 years

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PokéAni Office AU

So it’s 5:30 in the morning and I’m about to go to bed because I’m tired / have work tomorrow, but as I was eating a very late dinner I was watching some webisodes of The Office that I had somehow never seen before (including a music video made by Kelly, Ryan, and Erin, and a series of ten short webisodes in which the accounting trio tried to find a missing $3000, pure gold), and that got me thinking about a PokéAni AU of The Office.

Now, to be clear: When I went through and made these selections, I was not matching characters by personality. In other words, when I picked three accountants, I wasn’t trying to pick three PokéAni characters to be Angela, Oscar, and Kevin. Rather, I picked three PokéAni characters that I felt would make good accountants. This is a bit silly in that I included both Max and Bonnie in this AU, even though they should be way too young---but then, pretty much all the characters in this AU would be too young to work in an actual office, so. You just kind of have to roll with it.

My idea for this is---somehow, all of these characters got roped into office jobs, in which they are also being filmed as part of a documentary (mockumentary, in this case ;D). Maybe they somehow got roped into working for Silph---or Devon Corporation, like, somehow Steven Stone roped them all into working at one of the Devon Corporation’s branches. That would also allow him to make appearances from time to time as a member of corporate, yessss. So they’re all working in an office, and pokémon still exist, then (good, because honestly, Pokémon AUs without the pokémon are just not for me), and they’ve all been given jobs that, in theory, they should be able to do well. I say “in theory” because, well . . .

Co-Manager: Jessie

Co-Manager: James These are the two that are probably the most unqualified for the position they hold, tbqh. (And yes, pokémon still exist and so Meowth is there as well, he just doesn’t officially hold the position of third co-manager.) How or why they were made the managers of this branch no one is really clear, but you can imagine how they’re running this place. I mean, sometimes they do a halfway decent job! Sometimes! Aaaand other times they spend a decent amount of time throwing things at Ash because his desk is right in front of the door to their office. :/ Either way, there needed to be some way for shenanigans to be afoot in this office, and what better way than to make Jessie and James co-managers? (Though to be fair, the shenanigans are why I put them in that position. Who knows why Steven gave them this position. Steven, what were you thinking?! Unless . . . unless it wasn’t Steven, but was his father instead. That makes more sense. In that case, Mr Stone, what were you thinking?!)

Office Administrator: Alan As the office administrator, Alan is the one who actually keeps the branch afloat while Jessie and James . . . be Jessie and James. (And again, sometimes Jessie and James can do legitimate work, but like . . . those times are rare.) Office administrators have a pretty wide arrange of duties, which can include everything from coordinating office operations (particularly in ways that ensure efficiency), to supervising staff (including administrative staff, and god knows Jessie and James need someone to at least try to keep them on track), to giving support for bookkeeping and other accounting duties. Alan would have a lot of responsibility around the office (particularly given who the managers are), but I think he’d be a good fit for handling it. I also think he would be one of the most frequent offenders of giving deadpan looks directly at the camera. He also facepalms as a result of the shenanigans around the office (he facepalms in PokéAni canon, so it counts), and is definitely a member of The Coalition for Reason™ when things get really out of hand. (The Coalition for Reason™ doesn’t really have a leader, per se, but since he’s office administrator it often falls to him anyway.)

Receptionist: Bonnie Bonnie is a bright ray of sunshine and I think she’d make a fantastic receptionist. She always gets really excited whenever she gets to put new candy out on the desk, but she has a bad habit of asking visitors to the branch if they would care for her brother by marrying him. Clemont’s desk is right on the other side of the divider from reception, so he overhears this, and he is never amused.

Salesman: Ash

Salesman: Gary

Salesman: Misty

Salesman: Dawn

Salesman: Iris Our all-star sales team!! A few quick notes on them: - Ash is the other most frequent offender for looking straight at the camera when things are happening in the office. The main difference is that while Alan’s looks are usually deadpan, Ash’s tend to be more sassy. (So like, think of all the times Jim looks at the camera on the office; Alan has Jim’s deadpan looks, while Ash has Jim’s little grins and whatnot.) - Gary is top salesman; he brags about this with fair frequency, especially to Ash. - Ash and Gary prank each other. A lot. Things escalate very quickly. Sometimes others in the office get in on it. Iris frequently teams up with Ash to double team Gary. - Iris and Misty are two other members of The Coalition for Reason™. (Usually, anyway, because there are occasions when they get wrapped up in the shenanigans, too.) - While Gary is top salesman and he often brags about this, Ash and Misty get in more friendly, heated competitions over sales than anyone else. They’re also one of the best sales teams in the office (though Ash and Dawn are also fantastic at sales, and Arceus help any client who happens to be met with the Ash - Misty - Dawn triad. They have no hope of avoiding closing). - Likewise, Gary and Iris are a very adept sales team. Something about them just clicks. - Since Misty, Iris, and Dawn are all in the same desk clump, they coordinate Halloween costumes together.

Quality Assurance: Cilan Cilan is the perfect person for the quality assurance job because he can tell you exactly what flavor the products need to be, and if the flavor is working, or if the taste is all wrong, et cetera, you get the idea. He is a connoisseur, this is what he does.

Supplier Relations: Serena Likewise, Serena is great at supplier relations because she can always get suppliers to give them discounts on product, and yet at the same time is great at finding deals and seasonal bargains, et cetera.

Accountant: Clemont

Accountant: Max

Accountant: Tracey The accounting trio, and not just because two of them happen to wear glasses, haha. Rather, it’s because they’re all smart and on top of things, and I think they’d make great accountants therefore. A few notes: - As mentioned, Clemont’s desk is right on the other side of the partition dividing accounting from reception. He always hears when Bonnie is trying to find him a spouse and he often has his Aipom Arm reach over the partition to pick her up by the scruff. - Max is actually the head of accounting, technically, and he’s very particular about his books, even as he tries to find shortcuts to get things done faster. Clemont usually suggests they invent a new calculation device and Max has to put the kibosh on that. To that end, Max is another member of The Coalition for Reason™. - Tracey would much rather go to art school than be an accountant. His books usually have doodles all over them. He and Max have agreed that this is fine so long as the numbers are still legible.

Human Resources: Brock I mean, who better to be the human resources representative? Brock is great at settling quarrels around the office (usually) and does his best to keep the peace. He also does his best to rein in Jessie and James, but. Well. You know how that goes. He’s the final member of The Coalition for Reason™ provided there isn’t a very pretty girl visiting the office, but at that point either Misty or Max (who, if you’ll remember, are also part of The Coalition for Reason™) will drag him off by his ear, so. Don’t worry, the Coalition keeps its members in check. =P His desk is in the annex.

Customer Service: May May tends to be rather upbeat and positive (if a bit eccentric), as well as sensitive to others’ feelings, and so I think she’d make a great customer service representative. As the CS rep, she’s also the one in charge of managing the sales team’s customer reviews. She takes full advantage of this fact and reminds everyone what her favorite types of cookies are whenever it’s time for reviews to come through. Her desk is in the annex, next to Manon’s.

The Temp: Manon As the temp, Manon handles whatever extraneous tasks around the office need to be handled. Team Rocket sometimes tries to take advantage of this by trying to send her off to do ridiculous things (such as fetch them breakfast at ridiculous hours). Alan usually puts a stop to that by giving her something real to do, and then reminding Jessie and James that they’re supposed to be running the office. Alan also gives her real work to do when she decides that, instead of doing work, she’s just going to wander around, help create shenanigans, and also bug him tbh. Her desk is in the annex, next to May’s.

You’ll notice I talked about desk positions, and I’ve drawn up floor plans! These are based exactly on the floor plans for the Dunder-Mifflin office in The Office. They’re not the prettiest in the world, but:

Here’s the first one. I forgot to add it, but the door to enter the floor is straight down from Bonnie’s reception desk. Anyway, so there should be a bit more space between Alan’s desk and reception / the partition (that’s where the printer goes, in that space, and there’s also space to walk), but you get the general idea. The accounting cluster is on the other side of reception; Cilan and Serena are desk buddies; Ash, Gary, and Alan are all in one desk clump, and Ash’s desk is in the perfect position for Jessie and James to hassle him during the day (at least until Pikachu shocks them to get them to knock it off); Dawn, Misty, and Iris have another; and the conference room is where pointless meetings, parties, and talking heads / confessionals with the doc crew are usually held.

Then you have the kitchen (which is right behind Dawn’s desk), which also leads back to the annex:

There are only three characters back here (as in canon), so it’s a lot smaller, haha. The break room has the vending machines, and yeah, Brock is separated from May and Manon by a partition. It doesn’t matter, they all still chat anyway.

At any rate, this was just a silly little thing I drew up real quick. Idk about you guys, but I would watch this show. Imagine all the talking heads / confessionals. The conference room meetings. The very heated Serious Business™ debates over things. All the birthday parties. It would be awesome. Even if it was just, like, a special they did, instead of a full series. Hell, make this a 20th anniversary special. Would it be silly nonsense? Yep. Would it be entertaining to see these characters in this kind of setting, trying to run a company? You betcha.

Anyway, this was just a silly little thing. I need to go to sleep now. =P

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tunneybakerfan · 7 years

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Here’s the interview from summer 2016 for the Givenchy launch of Gentlemen Only Absolute in Dubai by Mojehmen! https://mojehmen.com/culture/film-tv/simon-baker-mentalist-his-directorial-debut The Mentalist On His Directorial Debut Peter Iantorno February 13th 2017

Best known for his star turn as charismatic crime investigator Patrick Jane in The Mentalist, Simon Baker has spent the best part of two decades lighting up our screens. Fresh from filming his directorial debut, Breath, the star spoke to us about everything from his celebrity chums to his love for gardening. As movie stars go, Simon Baker is most definitely one of the nice ones. He has appeared alongside the likes of Kevin Spacey, Russell Crowe, Jeremy irons and Demi Moore to name a just few, and he counts Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts amongst his closest friends; yet when we meet him for the first time in his suite at Dubai’s One&Only Royal Mirage, he immediately jumps up from his seat and offers to make us a cup of coffee. “Chivalry isn’t dead, mate – it’s totally kicking,” he quips as he hands us a freshly brewed espresso and points in the direction of a rather impressive platter full of cakes and biscuits.

Baker is in Dubai to promote Givenchy’s new Gentlemen Only fragrance – quite fitting really, considering the first impression he gives us is that he’s nothing if not a perfect gent. “I think it’s a willingness to be aware and considerate of others,” he says when questioned on what he thinks it takes to be a gentleman nowadays. “It’s all about putting others in front of yourself, and that can be with the opposite sex or with the same sex; it’s just common courtesy.”

As we sit down and tuck into our refreshments, The Mentalist star begins to fire questions at us at an astounding frequency – how do we like Dubai? Where are our offices? Is his wife [fellow Australian actor, Rebecca Rigg) likely to get a good deal if she buys jewellery from the Gold Souq? It’s refreshing to speak to a celebrity on such a normal level, yet with time ticking away, we are conscious that at some point or another, we really should get down to business and discuss something that we can publish.

The first point on our agenda is the news that Baker has just finished filming his directorial debut – the upcoming film adaptation of Tim Winton’s 2008 novel, Breath. Here, we get the lowdown on his inspirations, the pros and cons of being a director as opposed to and actor and how the tough jobs he did in the past have taught him the value of a good day’s hard graft.

MM: What made you decide to take the leap into directing, and why did you pick this film in particular?

SB: It was a combination of things, really. The main reason I chose this film in particular was that I knew it; and by that I don’t mean that I knew the book itself, I mean I knew the environment the book is set in – the whole Aussie surfing subculture – I grew up in it.

When I was a kid, around 15 or 16, I distinctly remember having these weird little fantasies of making a film about that particular time of my life and a lot of the characters that populated that time of my life. This was even way before I knew I was going to be an actor. It was my lifestyle – that little subculture I lived in – that was intriguing to me. Through that time growing up you’re making these decisions, a lot of the time unconsciously, and that helps define and shape who you are and what your identity is.

So when did you first read the book?

It was around seven years ago. I remember I was on the set of The Mentalist at the time and a producer friend – a guy by the name of Mike Johnson – gave it to me. I read it and it really affected me in a lot of different ways; it really struck home, so I called Mike straight away and asked if he’d like to make the film.

It must have been a big leap for you to go into directing, especially considering how well The Mentalist was doing at the time…

Well funnily enough we didn’t initially take the thing on as something for me to direct – I was just going to play one of the roles. But we started meeting a bunch of different directors, all of them with different ideas and none of them really matching up with my vision, and one day Mike said to me, ‘has it occurred to you that you should direct this film, because you talk about this film and this story like you’re the director?’

So that’s what happened. We developed it slowly over the time that we had the rights and then when I knew that The Mentalist was in its last year I started to turn my attention to developing the script. As soon as we finished the show I went straight into filming for Breath, and we finished shooting it last week!

Congratulations! It must feel good to be finished. The cast for Breath seems really interesting. You’ve got established stars like Elizabeth Debicki [The Night Manager, The Great Gatsby] but also a couple of newcomers, Samson Coulter and Ben Spence, who play the young surfers. How did you go about the casting process?

Yeah the two boys – the two main characters – had never acted before in their lives. In fact, there are four non-actor roles in the movie. I grew up surfing and I knew that it was impossible to try to get actors to learn how to surf; directors have tried to do it a million times and it’s never worked. So I figured that I would try the opposite – it’s got to be easier to teach surfers to act than actors to surf, right?

And was it easier? Do you reckon the lads are going to keep at the acting?

It depends how well the film turns out I suppose. They’re pretty great kids and when they get it right it’s because they are not actors. It’s really beautiful, it’s really real and they don’t feel like actors at all. They were just really willing. Physically they had to do some stuff where I was like, ‘Are you OK with this?’ and they were like, ‘Yeah, sure – let’s go!’

What kind of stuff?

Oh you know, jumping off cliffs into the water, stuff on dragster bikes and then the surfing stuff – there was some pretty heavy water out there some days but they always wanted to do it.

What are the main differences for you between being an actor and a director?

The most difficult thing as an actor for me was that you were always playing into someone else’s vision and there’s a certain element of trust involved. That’s fine when you get the opportunity to work with some of the great directors and I had the opportunity to work with some pretty good ones, but there are also a lot of emerging directors that you work with who are often the least experienced people on the set.

Saying that, this particular movie probably had all the earmarks of a potential disaster for a first-time director because some of the set pieces were incredibly difficult – we had to rely on the ocean and the weather, which means we sometimes had very difficult circumstances to film in. Thankfully we got pretty lucky and managed to pull it off.

You must have been delighted to get Elizabeth Debicki…

Absolutely. She is such a fantastic, beautiful, complex, strong actress who is on the rise at the moment and she was willing to put her trust in me and I’ll be forever grateful for that.

You’ve appeared alongside some amazing actors in your time – Kevin Spacey, Russell Crowe, Jeremy irons, Demi Moore – who has really stood out?

To be honest at the moment I’m kind of in love with these two kids I just worked with – they are pretty phenomenal. It was extraordinary to see how steep their learning curve was and how brave they were considering that they had never walked on to a set before and they had no idea what they were in for. They had no idea at all and they were up for it, man, really up for it.

I think the experience with those two kids put a lot of people who I have worked with – myself included – to shame. I was really genuinely impressed. There’s just nothing but willingness. No pretense, no idea self-awareness – it was just pure. And it’s freakishly exciting when you catch that on camera.

There must have been times when they messed up though, being so inexperienced?

Oh yeah, don’t get me wrong – that happened all the time! You know, they are teenage kids. When they were on the set together they were constantly messing around, pranking each other. It was like trying to wrangle cats at times, but when you get it right it’s so, so worth it.

Sounds like a tough job. Speaking of which, is it correct that you used to be a bricklayer?

I was never actually a bricklayer, but I did have a lot of different odd jobs and I there was a short stint I had as a brickie’s labourer. So not quite a bricklayer, but almost there!

That must have taught you the value of hard graft…

Yeah, and I don’t mind a bit of hard graft; it’s good, it keeps you honest. And I still don’t mind it actually. I enjoy building stuff.

Is that what you do in your spare time then?

Yep. I like a bit of gardening too – it’s very fulfilling. The great thing about gardening is that it’s a combination of physical labour, imagination and there’s a long-term nurturing process to it, and I get satisfaction out of that.

Are we right in saying that two of your children’s godparents are Nicole Kidman and Naomi Watts? That must be interesting at parties…

Yeah that’s right, but it’s not really as interesting for us as it probably is for you guys. My wife went to school with Nicole so that all predates us being actors, and Naomi has been one of my wife’s best friends since before she was old enough to get arrested, so it’s pretty normal to us. We spend time together when we can but we’re always in different countries and stuff so it’s hard.

Since you’re here to promote a fragrance, have you got any grooming tips for us?

I do like a bit of moisturiser. I spend a lot of time in the sun so moisturiser is definitely a friend. There’s not too much more than that for me though; it doesn’t take me too long to get ready in a morning.

The Mentalist was hugely successful, as have been many TV series’ in recent years. What do you think is behind this increase in popularity of the TV series?

Well, if you really look at it, it’s not actually that recent; it’s just that we have different ways of watching TV now so it reaches a much wider demographic much faster. Before, if you wanted to watch something you used to have to be at a certain place at a certain time, but now you can watch your favourite show on a laptop, tablet – whatever – so it reaches much further nowadays.

Game of Thrones is basically a soap opera. They create this world, we get to know all the characters and things develop slowly over the time. Downton Abbey was the same. It think right now we’re seeing a period where there are so many different types of shows available and I think what it shows is that there’s always an audience for that.

There’s not as much drama being made in cinema nowadays. Films are all Marvel and DC Comics superhero flicks, but people still crave that drama and TV is really filling that void. We as humans still want to get engaged in something and it’s also pretty fashionable to talk about it too, even though I’m guilty of never being up to date with these programmes.

Have you got any favourites?

I really liked the Danish version of The Bridge – it was bloody good. I like the French show, The Returned, too. But I’m not up to date; I’m not a House Of Cards guy, I never saw an episode of The Sopranos, I didn’t get into Breaking Bad. I loved the podcast Serial, and then the TV equivalent Making A Murderer, but then I spent all that time watching the whole thing and at the end I was left unsatisfied. It’s simple really: If a joke is too long for how good the punch line is, then it’s not worth telling.

Nice motto… Have you got a personal motto you try to live by?

Not really, mate. I’m definitely a cock-eyed optimist, though – a very optimistic person, maybe sometimes to my detriment. Sometimes I get a bit optimistic with time and I overcommit to doing too much stuff that’s just not realistically going to happen. That always gets me a telling off from the missus.

#simonbaker #snappytoes #breaththemovie #breaththefilm #Breathmovie #givenchy #givenchygentlemenonlyabsolute

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takenews-blog1 · 6 years

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Christmas Items From Clueless Grandmas Can Be Hilarious

New Post has been published on https://takenews.net/christmas-items-from-clueless-grandmas-can-be-hilarious/

Christmas Items From Clueless Grandmas Can Be Hilarious

Christmas is an excellent time of the 12 months. No worry of Halloween haunts and also you don’t have to fret about whose home you’re going to for the turkey. No, Christmas is the day the place you possibly can sleep in if you would like or get up early in your cozy pajamas, go to your presents and be ready to be stuffed with bliss. The one challenge you would possibly face when opening your items are the bizarre gadgets that clueless, however well-meaning, grandmothers give.

This listing is stuffed with epic reward fails from grandmas. You gained’t even consider the “particular” shark that one grandmother made.

Grandmas and those that will not be very versed within the realm of gift-giving all want a correct lesson. The one factor optimistic about this current is the smile that this man offers. It could possibly be a sarcastic one however nonetheless, no less than he makes this second half bearable.

In all honesty, did his grandma assume he was having a child quickly? What made her assume he would take pleasure in some on-the-go wipes? There could also be 55 on this pack, which is loads however this actually wasn’t the very best reward choice. Giving somebody any kind of bathroom paper is type of disrespectful. Her grandson deserves higher.

This Reddit person posted this picture and described what precisely was happening. “My 84-year-old grandmother apologized for having to put on her nightgown in entrance of us,” he wrote. “I mentioned it was no drawback and that it really appeared very snug, so she instantly supplied one to me. It’s not like I may have rejected this beneficiant reward.” It feels like grandma lucked out and simply gave her grandson this reward as a substitute of attempting to exit and purchase on. Not less than it’s higher than two , proper?

You possibly can count on that in the course of the holidays, electronics are the primary requested reward. That normally interprets to some Apple product since everybody loves iPhones and iPads. Talking of iPads, for future reference, subsequent time you request one make sure to be particular. Inform grandma precisely what number of gigabytes you want as a result of for those who depart it as much as her, this could be the scenario you find yourself in. Receiving a watch pad as a substitute of an iPad would put a damper on anybody’s Christmas. Would you be upset or understanding if this occurred to you?

This subsequent grandma additionally wants some help along with her expertise.

This reward took a very long time coming, actually.This grandma missed the memo that folks ship image messages by means of their telephone and never by means of the mail. The Reddit person who posted this mentioned this was the “slowest image message ever,” and he was not flawed with that evaluation. She seems to be so completely satisfied to be taking this image for her grandson too! Oblivious to the truth that she may have despatched this in a matter of moments, what a shock it should have been as soon as her grandson bought this within the mail as a present!

“My grandma bought me this shirt, I don’t assume she will get it,” wrote this Reddit person. The query is that if grandma actually knew what this meant or if she thought her grandson solely like freshly trimmed grass. Both approach, this man can’t put on this and hold a good picture out in public. It might be a terrific shirt to put on round the home and to point out your spouse however for those who put on this out in public you would possibly get a few soiled seems and a few laughs. However would you like that sort of consideration?

This subsequent reward is definitely a disappointment and there’s no solution to tape up that truth.

This man is having fun with this reward a bit an excessive amount of. Take a look at how he has the canine within the image as he rests on the mattress with that finger in his mouth. Is he flaunting this fail of a present off or is he being humorous?

“Opened my current from grandma early,” he wrote. “I feel this current was supposed for one among my woman cousins, however I’m keepin’ it.” It seems like he’s fortunately exhibiting off his reward that was greater than probably meant for another person. As a result of clearly, except his spouse gave that to him, why else would he have purpose to put on this?

We’ll begin issues off with this sad man. Newspapers run this sort of characteristic yearly for the vacations. When Kevin Mack from Grove Metropolis, Ohio was requested what his worst reward was, he didn’t hesitate to inform Columbus Alive. His life apparently is worse than a few of the items you might be about to see. And for those who hint it again, you would say his grandma is accountable for this reward.

Receiving stationary as a present isn’t as unhealthy because it sounds. You would get a very neat pocket book that you just all the time move by however by no means buy as a result of it doesn’t suit your finances in the intervening time. You might also get some cool writing utensils so that you by no means know.

Nevertheless, there are some stationary items which might be simply dreadful to should open up on Christmas. For example, what for those who get some staples? Who would need that? However is that actually as unhealthy as a heavy obligation tape dispenser? In accordance with the recipient of this reward, it’s the worst Christmas current ever.

Did you learn what the letter wrote? “You gained $2 . Right here is that $2. Merry Christmas!” There isn’t any approach that grandma went out of her solution to give this as a present. Grandmothers ought to know higher. However when you concentrate on it, the older they get, the items they provide start to grow to be much less extravagant. The unique concept of giving the lottery scratcher was a good suggestion however everyone knows how arduous it’s to withstand scratching these issues. However subsequent time, grandma has to attempt a bit tougher to not break the reward.

How’s this for a fail? For all of our male readers on the market, would you ever image your self carrying one thing like this in your teenage years? We wish to assume nearly all of you mentioned no as a result of that is most likely solely wearable whenever you’re alone at residence or if it’s part of a fancy dress. If this boy had been to put on this college then he can be the laughing inventory of all his associates. The Reddit person mentioned, “My 94-year-old nice grandma made this for me as a result of she mentioned it’s too chilly.”

If this isn’t probably the most out-of-left-field reward anybody may get then we don’t need to know what’s worse (oh simply wait, the listing will get crazier). Grandma should assume her son is Bob the Builder to make a present buy of this magnitude. What was the attract of this reward that captured the eye of this purchaser? All this merchandise is, is a strolling broomstick. Now the proprietor of it doesn’t should stroll to the place he retains the broom to be tidy. He can accomplish a drive-by sweep.

We hope this subsequent reward doesn’t upset you.

This “reward” was a stocking stuffer. And we hope the recipient understood that this was only a joke and she or he didn’t take it so arduous. It’s normally the batteries that aren’t included so the joke is correct there when it says reward not included with the battery prepared to be used. Generally, you count on there to be no less than a good reward in your stocking however to get that is simply all unhealthy. This can be a nice prank to play, however not such a terrific one to have performed on you. Good job, grandma.

You’re 11 years outdated and Christmas is your favourite day subsequent to your birthday since you get all of the items that you just requested for. Sweet, video games, and toys are your favourite issues at this age so something that has to cope with precise work is only a drag. However on one Christmas morning, your grandmother will get you a “sport” considering it is going to be precisely what you want. When you open up the reward, you discover out it’s the one sport you don’t need to play! This child was bummed, to say the least.

“My buddy’s grandma or G-Ma bought him this current for Christmas,” wrote a Reddit person. Effectively, it may have been worse. It may have been an inappropriate image. Nevertheless, the truth that she’s tilting her glasses down a bit on the highest image makes this a bit creepy. Why is your grandmother sending you footage like that? Not solely is that this reward a fail however it is usually a tad unsettling. We hope his buddy didn’t snort at him hysterically as soon as he noticed this. That is fairly humorous with a contact of absurd.

Getting somebody garments that they didn’t particularly ask for as a gift on Christmas is hard enterprise. For one, you will need to know their measurement and secondly, it’s a must to know what kind of favor she or he likes. The look on this woman’s face says all of it. This isn’t the model she likes and it’s most likely one thing that’s by no means going to go away its place in her closet or dresser. In the case of items from grandma (except its a prank) you possibly can wager its all the time from the guts. However this reward isn’t slicing it for her.

Let’s all cease for a second and assume. Are you able to rely in your hand what number of occasions you’ve obtained some variety meals (not together with sweet or sweets) for Christmas? In case you so occur to get meals loads as a present then perhaps this reward isn’t all that stunning to you. If somebody had been to provide you a bag of child carrots, nonetheless, would that be a very good meals reward to provide? That is one thing anybody can get at their native grocery retailer. It’s not prefer it’s an unique deal with or one thing that’s restricted. Grandma should really need somebody to steer a more healthy way of life.

Like we mentioned earlier, electronics are the primary requested reward throughout Christmas time. And as we additionally mentioned, when requesting an Apple product, typically it’s essential to be a bit particular. This might have been one other real buy made by grandma. You inform her iWatch and he or she goes out and finds you precisely that so are you able to be mad at her? As a matter of truth, it most likely was tougher for grandma to search out this watch. You don’t see an precise “eye watch” round that always.

You by no means know what to anticipate from grandma…

The thought was undoubtedly there with this reward however was the location of the shark’s fin correctly thought out? If the boy was older, this is able to have been much more sketchy. Not less than he has an excuse of “he didn’t know any higher” however that is nonetheless very attention-grabbing to have a look at. Somewhat, that is nearly disturbing to have a look at however we’re prepared to wager whoever took the image couldn’t comprise their laughter. That is the 12 months the youngsters cease asking granny for a present.

In case you thought this was unhealthy, get a load of the subsequent one.

For a person, accepting that you just’re balding is a troublesome capsule to swallow. You’ve identified your hair and brought care of it your entire life and for it to resolve by itself that its time to vacate the premises could be coronary heart crushing. And it’s even harder to listen to it from others that your hair goes bye-bye. So for this man’s grandmother to reward him with it is a below-the-belt punch for the ages. She most likely didn’t imply any hurt by it and he or she was simply attempting to assist, however that is horrible for the psyche of this man.

That is both a very good pun or a poor try at attempting to fulfill a grandchild. We’re going with the latter as a result of not each grandma is that humorous. And clearly, by the caption that’s on this image, you possibly can see that whoever bought this was not a cheerful camper. A bottle of physique wash and a mini-flashlight as a present is a mixture that most likely nobody has requested for within the historical past of Christmas. Not less than now this fortunate reward recipient doesn’t should make a visit to the shop for some new physique wash for some time.

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aeristhefallen · 7 years

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Chapter 2

Edd glanced up from his novel at the ornate clock decorating his living room wall. Mona had five minutes before she would be late. Kevin lounged on the couch flipping through channels, grumbling about nothing being on. The jock tended to show up early to hang for a while on tutoring days. Though not many at school knew about that.

Edd looked back down at the page he abandoned trying to ignore the slight disappointment of possibly being stood up. The bell rang snapping the genius out of his reverie as Kevin went to answer the door. After a moment Kevin returned with Mona trailing behind, Shoes already missing much to Eddward’s pleasure. “Mona, you’re right on time!” The genius said smiling as he stood. The girl smirked and slung her messenger bag down next to Kevin’s backpack. “Of course did you think I would be late?” “He’s been muttering about the probability of being stood up for the last hour.” Kevin turned from his TV surfing and shrugged at Edd’s glare. “What? You think out loud dude, it’s hard not to notice.”

Edd rolled his eyes and ignored Mona’s questioning smile as he led the other two up to his room. “Shall we get started then? I believe there are upcoming tests for both of your classes am I correct?” He took the resulting groans and grumbles as an affirmative and smiled as he opened the door to his room. “I know there is not much room at the desk but we may be able to make it work if one of you wants to work there and the other can use my bed.”

Kevin made himself comfortable at the desk “You’re way too enthused about this yah know.” Mona Snickered as she sprawled out on Edd’s bed with her books “Double Dee has a secret sadistic side that he only lets out academically huh?” The Raven haired male rolled his eyes and dutifully ignored the dishevelment that Mona and her materials became on his bed. “Hardly, I just tend to enjoy helping other retain necessary information.” Though his words seemed innocent the genius couldn’t help the grin that crawled its way across his face. Planting himself in a chair between his two academic charges, he rubbed his hands together in glee. “Shall we proceed?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~three hours later~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Kevin slammed his head into the desk with a groan. “You’re a damn slave driver Dee.” Edd rolled his eyes as he checked over Mona’s work, ensuring that she was comprehending the formulas. “Language Kevin and not really, I just prevent you from becoming distracted.” The red head snorted and leaned back in his chair. “Come on let’s take a break, We’ve been at it for three hours straight, hell I’m just about done.” Mona chewed on her pencil thoughtfully. “He’s got a point. We’ve been diligent.”

Edd bit his lip as he debated. “I don’t know...” He yelped slightly when Mona suddenly threw her arms around his shoulders. “Come on Dee, Reward us, we’ve been good…Well I have, you can punish Kevin.” “Hey!” The red head exclaimed throwing the girl a fake glare which she responded too by sticking out her tongue. Edd couldn’t help but laugh at their antics and nod. “Okay, okay, let’s call it a night. Do you guys want to hang out for a while? Or would you rather just proceed home?” Mona smiled a crooked smile. “Well I’m in no hurry as you can imagine so I am all for chillin here for a while.” Kevin shrugged and tossed his pencil onto the desk. “What the hell let’s do a movie night, Pizza’s on me.”

The trio stampeded down the stairs, Edd laughing as Mona and Kevin Argued over pizza toppings which resulted in two pizzas being ordered rather than one. The Raven Haired boy rummaged through his movies as he was assigned, trying to decide what his guests would most likely enjoy. In the kitchen the other two bickered over cheesy bread, wings and soda which Mona demanded she pay for and Kevin denying her.

Edd grimaced when the argument was settled by Mona shoving a ten dollar bill in Kevin’s mouth, Money was one of the most germ infested things after all. “Hey! That’s nasty!” the red head growled as he tucked the bill in his wallet and rinsed his mouth with water. Mona snickered “Be happy I didn’t shove it down your pants like a stripper.” The girl caught Edd’s eye and winked as Kevin grumbled about at least enjoying that particular option. “So what did you choose?” Mona asked as she plopped into the middle of the couch. The genius shrugged and revealed his options. “I’m at an impasse, I can’t decide between Warm bodies for its quirky humor or American Psycho as it is a classic.” Mona thought or moment then grinned. “It’s only 6, let’s watch both.” Edd looked mildly concerned. “Are you sure? I wouldn’t want to keep you two out too late.” “Dee just shut up and put in a movie.” Kevin retorted throwing himself on the couch next to Mona. The genius smile, popped in warm bodies, and within minutes the trio were giggling at the main character’s witty inner dialogue.

Halfway through the movie Edd’s phone vibrated. Glancing down he noted it was a text from Eddy. ‘You done with the jackasses yet?’ Edd rolled his eyes but before he could reply the door rang signaling dinner. A chaotic thundering ensued as Mona and Edd ran for plates while Kevin paid and juggled the food into the kitchen. After convincing the clean freak genius that they would be absolutely careful, the three filled their plates and continued to watch the movie in the living room.

Before the ending credits could finish Kevin replaced the first movie with the second and returned to his place on the couch. Mona stretched out across the boys’ laps, Her head cushioned on Edd and her legs thrown over Kevin. The genius stiffened, still unaccustomed to so much physical contact, especially from a girl. After a while Edd found himself relaxing and even enjoying the comfortable weight of the girl settled across his lap, his hand settling over her shoulder. However he felt that relaxation disappear as a particularly sexual scene came on screen. Now he was uncomfortable for an entirely different reason.

Glancing over at the guests on the couch, he took in their reactions while simultaneously begged his body not to react. Apparently he wasn’t the only one effected by uncontrollable pubescent hormones. Mona’s eyes were glued to the screen, her face mildly flushed while she idly traced the fingers of the hand Edd hand stuck under her head. On the other end of the couch, Edd noted that Kevin’s breathing seemed slightly labored and his hand was stroking Mona’s leg, going higher than would be appropriate for such new friends as they all were. The genius was surprised to find he was also actively touching the girl, his fingers running through her violet and teal locks. The silence was tense as the three focused on the film with laser like precision, no one wanting to admit to how they were feeling just in case they were wrong about the others.

They remained like this until the second movie ended and Mona rolled off the boys’ laps and onto the floor with a groan. “Damn I forget how good those movies are.” She said stretching out before sitting up. “Right.” Kevin Agreed as he helped her up off the floor and they started cleaning up the remnants from dinner.

Edd watched them or a moment, studying their body language before remembering his manners. “Wait you two, you don’t have to do that your guests!” Mona laughed and poked the genius in the nose with a free hand. “Don’t worry about it, I help make a mess, I help clean it up.” Kevin dumped his dishes into the sink with a nod. “She’s right Dee, plus I’m over often enough that I surpassed guest a while ago.” Edd sighed and couldn’t help but smile. “Fine but I get the dishes. You two should head home before it gets too much later, we do have school in the morning after all.”

The pair bid the genius farewell and promised to see him at school the next day as they gathered their things and left. Kevin offered to walk Mona home which she accepted, thankful or the company. As they walked through the woods towards the trailer park Mona asked Kevin about his and Edd’s childhood the cul-de-sac.

“It was hilarious, Eddy tried so hard to get Dee to save him after I figured out that booster shot day was a fake and Dee just gave me an even better idea.” Kevin reminisced as they passed under the black trees. Mona snickered. “Well at least he allowed Eddy to get some sort of consequence for his prank.” The boy got a sort of faraway look in his eye. “That’s just how Edd has always been, he’ll go along with Eddy until he crosses a line then Dee will try to prevent it, If he can’t he’ll find a way to make it right for the victim.” Mona looked thoughtful. “Why do you think he hangs with Eddy? It seems like the guy only takes advantage of him.” Kevin shrugged. “Eddy does care about Double Dee but for the most part you’re right, I think lately Dee spends time with him or Ed’s sake. That guy is dumb as a bag of rocks but he’s loyal and has a hard time when the two fight even though Eddy uses him too.”

Kevin paused at the edge of the trailer park and kind of stared at Mona. “Why the sudden interest? You gotta crush on Dee?” The girl smirked and quirked a brow. “Who said it had to be just Dee? The world isn’t black and white.” The red head rolled his eyes and continued walking. ”Whatever, keep your secrets then.” Mona laughed and led the boy passed the old Kanker trailer, answering his confusion with a simple ‘Kankers upgraded’, and right up to a slightly abused looking manufactured home.

“Well thanks or walking me home, the company was nice.” Kevin smiled and started walking back the way they came. “Anytime, see you at school.”

Marie Snarled as she tore through Mona’s closet, flinging its contents around as she looked for her victim. “Get out here you big baby!” The navy haired girl jumped when she heard a throat clear behind her. Turning she scowled when she saw Mona leaning against the doorway, a glaring covering her face. “What are you staring at?” The violet haired teen seemed to ponder her for a moment before looking at the front of the doorway. “You know this door says Mona, Not Marie right?” The other girl snorted. “Yeah, So? What’s your point?” Mona’s glare deepened. “So it means get the fuck out of my room.” Marie snorted. “Make me.”

Her brave words were punctuated by a screech when Mona’s hand suddenly grabbed her by the back of the neck, bent her in half and led her out of the door like a dog. “When I say get the fuck out, I mean get the fuck out Marie!” Mona snarled slamming the door in her cousin’s face and locking it. Ignoring Marie’ calling her a bitch, Mona sat on her bed and sighed. : You can come out now.”

For a moment there was silence, then a rustle came out from under the bed as May scrambled out from under Mona’s bed. “Sorry Mona, I couldn’t think of anywhere else to hide.” The older girl’s face softened. “It’s ok, I said you could hide in here I you needed too. Was Marie picking on you again?” May shrugged and sat next to her cousin. “She was pissed because I wouldn’t tell her where I’ve been going so she was gonna beat it outta me.” Mona rolled her eyes. ”Marie’s a bitch, don’t let her scare you.” May nodded then blushed slightly as she smiled slightly. “I’ve been seeing someone.”

Mona squealed and wrapped the blonde in a hug. “That’s great? Can you tell me who?” May shook her head. ‘’Not yet, we’re kinda liking the secret love thing right now.” The older girl nodded. “I can understand that. As long as he makes you happy.” The blonde nodded. “He does.”

Mona studied her little cousin long and hard. Gone were the days of red shorts and grey tee shirts that were to big for her frame. Once May gained decent tits and her body becem slender curves rather than baby fat she started dressing to accentuate those changes. Granted it took a lot of encouragement from Mona over the summer sine May’s sisters mostly made fun of her. Mona took in the fitted blue tank that matched the blonde’s eyes and the tight denim shorts that she had helped the girl pick out their last trip to the city. The older girl had even shown her how to apply makeup in order to bring out her eyes and tone down the excessive use of French whore red lip stick. “You look gorgeous May, he’s a lucky guy.” The blonde blush again and flung her arms around her cousin. “I’m so glad you’re here Mona, How was your night?” The older girl grinned and returned the embrace. “Oh you know, the usual corruption of innocence and the tempting of danger.” May giggled at her cousin’s innuendo. “You certainly have interesting taste Mona.” The other laughed as she shooed her cousin out. “That’s one way to put it, not off to bed with you we have school tomorrow.”

The blonde smiled bid her cousin good night and Mona leaned back, pondering the events of the evening with a strange grin. “Interesting indeed.” {

#edd #kevin #oc #triangle #fanfic #m/f #m/m #m/f/m

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