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frozenjokes · 27 days

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Unbeknownst To Grian, Doc Hasn’t Had A Real Conversation With A Person In 15 Years, And It’s About To Be Grian’s Problem

Grian did not like to be predictable. He didn’t like to follow expectations, he didn’t like to give people what they wanted. This could manifest in small, annoying ways; if something he was curious about got popular, he was more likely to lose interest, think negatively of it for no reason. Grian valued uniqueness in his craft. If he was going to fuck with someone, he would do so in the most creative possible way, and just so much as seeing a similar idea online to one of his own was enough to void all his motivation.

If Grian was going to make his mark, he would not do so giving the people what they wanted. He’d change the game. He’d sprint as fast as his legs would take him against the grain.

They wanted him and Scar.

The clips from yesterday had gone completely viral, Scar’s suggestion to velcro himself to Grian’s back so they could fight together to retrieve his legs from the villainous Goat spawning waves of excited chatter, cheering, and trending hashtags to varying degrees of ridiculousness. Now, even if Grian had wanted to team up with Scar like this in the first place, the amount of insistent attention would be enough to change his mind in a snap of an instant. Please. He was not some showpony that lived to serve the community. If he was going to put on a show, it would be on his own terms, superheroes be damned.

So that’s how Grian found himself at The Goat’s doorstep, a massive, impending thing. Most supervillains took utmost care in hiding their identities and home addresses; they had to, otherwise the police force would have no reason to pretend they couldn’t arrest them. The Goat, however, was an exception. This place could hardly be called a house; it was more like a fortress that loomed over the entire city, spires like lightning rods collecting energy from storms in a light show that you could see for miles. While The Goat had been arrested several hundred times by now (he’d been around for as long as Grian could remember, very possibly before he was born), he never quite stayed in jail, always finding a way to escape in one way or another. At this point, it was common knowledge that The Goat was only ever taken into custody because he wanted to be; successfully imprisoned for only however long he allowed. While quite famous, The Goat also happened to be a bit of a hermit, only surfacing from his lair once or twice a month, so really, it was pretty unlucky for Scar to come across him the one day he had chosen to lay pathetically on the concrete, legs ripe for the stealing.

Regardless, this mysterious reclusiveness made the villain quite popular among many, his nonchalance combined with the insanity of some of his works of engineering drawing a great deal of attention. That, and people were just outright thirsting over him. Unabashedly horny. Grian had never seen The Goat in person before, but he’d seen enough pictures to understand- not that he agreed or anything, just that it made sense. The Goat was a big guy, like, big; Grian didn’t know the logistics of his exact species, but he was a sort of centaur-like creature, built like a clydesdale but even taller, half of his chest, left arm, and face entirely cybernetic, armaments that were constructed by the man himself.

It was at this point that Grian realized he was stalling. In fairness, he wasn’t exactly sure what to do with himself. The knocker was purposefully high above the typical human height, something he could reach regardless with a flap of his wings, but it was relatively obvious The Goat did not like visitors. Grian wondered how many civilians had turned up at this very doorstep, only to be ignored for hours until they left. Would The Goat even care about CuteGuy? Maybe he had seen all the hubbub online and would keep him locked out on purpose. Grian hadn’t really considered that before coming. Honestly, with all the cameras around, it was very likely The Goat already knew he was here.

Well. No time like the present!

Grian beat his wings in a small jump, but the door swung open before he could reach the knocker, causing him to fall and stumble a little pathetically at cloven feet. He looked up. Holy shit.

“Speak of your intention,” The Goat spoke gruffly, tucking his hands away in the pockets of his long lab coat. Grian had to crane his neck just to see his face, a dark, cold expression looking natural on The Goat’s imposing figure. His eyes were pupil-less, narrowed and difficult to read, but Grian didn’t detect any hostility. Maybe he was delusional, but it almost looked like The Goat was more curious than anything, interest evident in the way his mechanical eye moved in quick saccades, taking all of him in. Grian took a deep breath, puffing out his chest.

“Just wanted to hang out, that’s all. This is a pretty secluded place, you know, thought I might be able to get away from all the mess,” Grian forcibly relaxed his shoulders, waving his hand in a vague gesture.

“Hang out?” The Goat said the words like they tasted bitter, but then again, he said most things as if they left an unpleasant taste in his mouth, “You sure you’re not looking for anything?”

“If you’re referring to HotGuy’s legs, then no, I’m not looking for them. I don’t care about him or his legs, actually! I’m more concerned with my reputation, that being, how good it’s been lately. I think this city needs a reminder that I don’t work for anyone.”

The Goat chuckled, the sound far more soft and pleasant than Grian would have thought he could produce. “Is that so?” he mused, and Grian hoped that was interest behind his tone, “You don’t serve our government? Contractually? Won’t they be displeased to see another of their pets mingling with the enemy?”

Grian scoffed, “I don’t serve anyone. As far as I’m concerned, they’re being scammed out of a paycheck. And no, honestly, I don’t think they care what I do so long as it drums up media attention and puts more coin in their pockets. So long as it’s advertiser friendly.”

“I hear you are famously not, friend.”

“Well that’s not my problem.”

“I wouldn’t be so sure.”

“The court of public opinion indicates otherwise. People are crazy about me, nearly as much as HotGuy. It would be stupid to let me go, not before they milk my novelty for everything it’s worth. By then I’ll be rich enough to retire or something, I don’t know. That’s a problem for future Grian.”

“Grian?” Grian’s heart dropped as The Goat smirked, lips raising just enough to reveal pointed teeth. But just as Grian started to stutter to a defense, the villain laughed, drowning him out, “Do not fret, I could not care about any person’s identity, superhero or no. Nor do I particularly care to shield mine. Please Grian, call me Doc. Follow me.” Doc turned without another word, leaving Grian to gape as his massive hooves kicked up clouds of dust. Doc did not look to see if he was following nor slow his pace, so Grian had to run to catch up. Nine foot tall monsters walked very fast it turns out! And if Doc noticed Grian struggling to keep up, he certainly didn’t show it.

It occurred a little late to Grian that he should probably be keeping track of where he was going and how he’d escape if necessary, but Doc’s fortress had so many twists and turns, by the time he had the sense to think of this, he was already hopelessly lost. Well. Hopefully Doc wasn’t planning on dissecting him and displaying his wings on a pedestal or something. (Many of The Goat’s fans seemed to insist this was a big thing for Doc, though, Grian could not find any actual evidence of any dissections occurring. On second thought, those people were probably just horny.) Oh well.

Eventually, the two of them reached an elevator with, quite frankly, an alarming amount of floors- “What do you need this much space for?'' The thought was spoken aloud before Grian could stop himself, far more judgemental than would be advised for the company he was keeping today, but luckily, Doc didn’t seem to care.

“The lower floors are where The Hivemind works. Building, innovating, grindingoptimizingautomatingthriving, you know. A lot of the space is storage from past projects, and upkeep generally takes a lot of my time. My machinery can get to be quite large. You will not see most of it. We aren’t going down far.” Doc selected B1, making Grian question why they were even taking the elevator if they were only going down one floor, but after a particularly long ride, he got some idea.

Basement Floor 1 was massive and sprawling and dark. Grian had better eyesight than most, even at night, but the only parts of the ceiling he could see were spots of reflective metal and small pools of light that bounced off stalactites.

“Do- do those ever fall?” Grian asked, eyes wide at the ceiling, and Doc stopped, turning in a slow swivel so Grian could see his entire upper half.

“Yes.” He flexed the fingers on his mechanical arm, glowing red eye boring into Grian, “It is a good thing The Hivemind is smart. And quick. Though, after the second incident, we hope to have fixed the problem. On the other floors. My workstation remains as it is.”

“You- You can’t just knock them all down?”

“I can. But I believe that if God wishes for me to be struck down, then she should have the means to do so herself. She’s gotten a couple good shots in,” Doc narrowed his physical eye, and Grian was pretty sure there was humor there, “but she knows I am above her power. So instead we will continue to feud, and I will continue to break her precious world. And if one day I die, then I would have it to be no other way than by her hand.”

“If-?”

Doc only laughed, continuing to walk down the corridor. Grian was forced to follow lest he be left behind.

It occurred too late to Grian that he probably shouldn’t be surprised Doc was leading him to see Scar’s legs. Regardless, Doc was amused, chuckling when Grian took a sharp breath.

“I wanted him to come and get them. With or without you. Worked all night on the programming with The Hivemind, though, turns out that wasn’t necessary. You two are slow. HotGuy isn’t even here.”

Grian cast a nervous look at Scar’s legs, laid flat on a desk next to a large monitor. The workspace had the feel of an organized mess, all the clutter making it difficult to tell what exactly Doc had done. Well, if he was programming something, Grian wouldn’t be able to see it anyway. Were- were the legs even programmable? How would that work?

“What did you do to them?” Grian finally said, feeling incredibly daft at the note of worry he failed to suppress.

Doc snorted. “Nothing. I did make a mechanical waist though,” he hummed, shaking his head, “Well, that’s not true, I’ve had the actual machine bit made for a while now, I just did most of the other stuff last night. It’s been some time since I’ve gotten a look at these, and the technology has advanced significantly since then. At least my tech has; imagine my surprise when I see his useless government agency has hardly updated his prosthetics at all! If it’s not broke don’t fix it I suppose, but these are certainly broke. I’ll make sure to get started on a prototype for an update soon, yeesh. Regardless, after digging through my old blueprints, it wasn’t hard to hook everything up to a little remote control. Oh, his face will be priceless. His own legs greeting him at the door and kicking his ass?” Doc laughed, missing Grian’s open mouth gaping, “Unfortunately balance is still an issue, I obviously didn’t have time to work out all the kinks, but I’m just here to mess with him, it’ll be serviceable for-“

“Wait- Wait-“ Doc did not look happy about being interrupted, fixing Grian with a glare that stopped him directly in his tracks.

“Go on.”

“You made his prosthetics? His legs?”

“Obviously. Who else would have made them? Have you seen the typical modern-day prosthetic? They’re nothing like mine, borderline barbaric. Of course, mine are quite expensive, and people don’t just go and commission a guy like me over the table. HotGuy’s parents must love their son very much, though, they threw a whole tissy when I told them I’d need to visit him in the hospital. Idiots. As if I would trust anyone other than myself to collect the measurements I needed. They made me arrive under a sheet-“ Doc cut himself off with a groan, “The things I put up with sometimes. HotGuy’s lucky it was an interesting project. Human legs are very different from my own, so I wouldn’t be messing with them without an excuse. Of course, he grew up to be a fucking pain in the ass, didn’t he. Could have done a better job just raising the kid myself.” Grian had so many questions, but Doc hardly even stopped to breathe when he spoke, and Grian wasn’t about to interrupt a second time.

“Fuck, if they haven’t updated the legs, they probably haven’t touched his back either. Did you know that? His lower back was completely shattered- now that was an interesting project. Idiots, seriously, commissioning me to make their son legs when he’d never be able to use them. I ended up doing a lot of work on that boy, and not one thank you. Not from him all these years later or his useless family. He’d still be in that hospital bed without me, I know it. I bet if they’d let me have my way with him he would have been walking in under a year. But no, no, I was only on the project for two years, and I believe it lasted five? Six? Those idiots made me sign an NDA and everything!” Doc barked a hard laugh, “What are they going to do? Take me to court? Arrest me? Stupid. Amusing in hindsight, but they were insufferable.”

“I- okay. I mean, it’s not like this is common knowledge or anything. I feel like I would have seen this somewhere by now if the public knew you made all his prosthetics.”

“Oh no, the information isn’t public. I’d rather peel off my skin than be associated with that lot, and I’m sure HotGuy’s managers feel similarly about me. There’s a reason his prosthetics are so outdated- look, feel this. The movement at the joints is awful!” Doc took Grian’s hand, uncaring for his own strength as he yanked Grian forward to touch (something that felt deeply invasive toward Scar, though, it wasn’t like Grian had a choice) as Doc bent the knee. Grian had no idea what he was supposed to be feeling here, but Doc must have mistaken his discomfort for agreement because he let go right after.

Grian cleared his throat, rubbing his wrist, “And you think HotGuy knows?”

“Knows what?”

“That you made his prosthetics. I’m just curious, I mean.. He’s never mentioned it- not that we’re close or anything. It just feels like something that might have come up before to uh- well I don’t know if dating is the right word, but he and my roommate have something going on-“

Doc rolled his eyes with a huff, “Of course HotGuy knows! He’s just conceited like the rest of his family- his workforce for that matter. God forbid the public know how blurry the lines between ‘hero’ and ‘villain’ actually are. The only actual reason I’ve got the government breathing down my neck is due to the IRS- no, I will not be paying ridiculous sums to DC just for the money to be wasted on international affairs the States have no business sticking their nose into anyway. I only immigrated for the, quite frankly, insane lack of weapons regulation. You can do whatever the fuck you want in America. Regardless, I’d do better to put that money into the community myself.”

“Do you?”

“Not locally, I have a reputation to uphold and I like this shithole the way it is. Occasionally if I see something that really pisses me off I’ll pour some money into it.” Doc scowled, like the thought of doing any good at all was deeply unappealing, “For the most part though, I only keep tabs on the world as it pertains to me. I care very little for pettiness.”

Grian snorted. “Is using HotGuy’s own prosthetics to kick his ass because he never said ‘thank you,’ not petty?”

“For personal matters, I indulge. Most of the time however, I am far too busy for nonsense such as this. Speaking of, I have work to do, so I am going to hold you for ransom to speed this up. Do you have a problem with that?”

“If I comply, do I get a share of the cash?”

“You can take whatever you want. I just want HotGuy here.”

Grian’s wings fluttered, his mind already moving miles a minute, “Do you need a picture? Oh please, let’s take pictures. Something fun, ambiguous- I really want to mess with him.”

“Can I not just take a picture of you right here. Maybe try to look at least mildly unhappy, I’d like if HotGuy had a reason to be prompt.”

“Oh he’ll be prompt- do you have a tripod or something? We don’t need one obviously, I just feel like you’d be the type of guy to have something like that on hand. Do you? How do you feel about the lightest of the light kind of suggestive pictures? I think it would be funny. Ambiguously suggestive. Honestly, I just kinda feel like you’d be a fun person to pose with, y’know? I have a vision. Just saying, if you really want to fuck with HotGuy, this would go crazy. Your fans would go NUTS. Do you know about your fans? I saw some things while doing research.”

Doc snorted, ears flicking in what Grian was pretty sure was amusement, “You remind me of a man I knew long ago,” he sighed, sounding dangerously wistful. His eyes shone as he raised a shaking fist to the ceiling.

“You don’t have to divulge-“ Grian started in great alarm, but there was no stopping the rapidly approaching trauma exposition hurdling his way.

“Ren was a brilliant man. Awkward, but damn clever, an incredibly talented engineer with ideas to rival my own. Struck down too soon, too soon. Sometimes I wonder if that stalactite was meant for me, or if it was meant as a punishment greater than death. She knew I would try to bring him back, friend. She knew he would come back wrong.”

“This seems really personal-“

“A hippie.” Doc growled, and Grian got the sense this train was not slowing down any time soon. Might as well settle in.

#hermitcraft #hermitfic #hermitshipping #grian #gtws #goodtimeswithscar #docm77 #cubscarian hotguy au #hotguy #cuteguy

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cream-and-five-sugars · 1 year

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Jaune’s daily to do list:

disastrous lighting of the morning lantern (stop the first fire)!!!

save PP from the residual water from stopping the first fire

BRUNCH!

patrol the town - check-in on individual PP

stop the pebble tower from toppling!!

secure the dam

save Ren from falling into koi pond

watch out for tearable twos!! >:(

keep away from shredder!

if any traveling salesman / traders come through, check for hazardous goods

if you wouldn’t give it to a baby, DON’T give it to the PPs!

help w/ daily construction / beautifying projects (so PP don’t get injured)

LUNCH!

no more fried foods (too much grease)!

tea shop fiasco

stop the second fire

save PP from the residual water from the second fire

check-in at sandpaper knife-shop

help rake the sand (*you’d be surprised how dangerous a rake can be!)

keep Oscar away from anything that can be used as a kite string

STOP. THE. GOOSE.

repair scarecrows in rice fields

**if late, fight off giant crows / make new scarecrows (Ruby will help)

stop carts from crashing --> east marketplace

stop the coffee maker at the café before it EXPLODES

[call? get all?] paper indoors before DAILY WIND SURGE

stop Nora from climbing pebble tower during the storm (trust me, this one ends poorly :( )

take the scissors from Neptune

stop the “bandits”

stop the third, and final – hopefully? – fire

help Pyrrha w/ her hw :)

stop the un-foldening (*you’ll know it when you see it)

take away the makeshift lightning rods during the storm

get Paper Pleasers to bed

final rounds

find a way home...

#rwby #jaune arc #rwby 9 #rwby volume 9 #rwby spoilers #rwby volume 9 spoilers #mp #tag yourself

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clovermarigold · 8 months

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Smoke & Ice Chap.3

Sorry for the word pacing of this chapter, the amount of jump cuts felt weird, but I wanted to post something after making you wait. Still in the process of looking for a beta reader 😅

Masterlist

Kenshi pushed hard against the ground, his legs and waist drilled into the ground. “Do you need a hand there?” Johnny’s question came with the sound of a phone's artificial camera click. “Don’t patronize me Cage” Kenshi felt a slight give when he pushed his body up, however the thick roots wrapped around his legs stopped him from slipping out from the dirt. Kenshi gave a groan of disappointment. Looking up, his eyes met with the Matron’s who was leaving. She flicked her hand and suddenly the pressure he felt holding his legs together subsided. “Just give me your hand” begrudgingly, Kenshi did. One pushed as the other pulled and Kenshi slid out from the ground, uniform stained in dirt.

“What were you thinking? Insulting her like that” Tomas turned to Bi han who showed only visible disdain. “Regardless, we will need a new strategy” Raiden said before Bi han could speak and cause more possible infighting, “Despite our conflict we have been granted entry to the Mangrove. Given, we do not go any further”. “An apology will be necessary, brother-” Bi han snapped at Tomas, “Do not call me that”. Wordlessly the group dispersed, they would need to set up camp if they were going to stay here.

A bell chimed from the open gazebo that rested on the small floating island standing within the river. Calla picked at her nails as she waited for the others to arrive. She had rarely needed to call meetings since they had finished the construction of the Mangrove. The Old Grove had learned the hard way, the flaws in their design. Fire. A Dryad’s worst fear. She had made sure herself that their new home would not allow the events of the megáli fotiá to repeat. The Mangrove was laden with rivers, waterfalls, and wells. They used their smaller numbers to create larger space between their tree siblings, as well as use stone in place of flammable wood in constructs near the trees. They had even been as thorough as to install multiple lightning rods across the Mangrove to avoid any storm brought on fires.

Despite all this careful planning and architecture, it seemed humans would always seem to be their biggest danger. As showcased by the intruders currently on their land. The sound of splashing water drew her attention to the stone path that allowed one to walk over the water to the gazebo. Cypress, the second oldest among Hamadryad and Calla’s advisor. “Miche tells me we have intruders” the river was higher than usual, causing the bottoms of Cypress’ pants to become wet. “Six of them. All men” Cypress sat next to Calla, the sound of more splashing water as the other council members took their seats. The council was made up of five people. Calla, Cypress, Coriander, Thyme, and Alycia. All of which were gathered.

“They were sent by Liu Kang to have us return to the protection of earth realm” Unease grew at the name of the fire god. “Well, did you tell them to leave?” Alycia asked. “Yes, I used force too. However, they insist they were instructed not to leave unless we had agreed to return” Alycia scoffed. “And what? You let them stay? Did nothing?” Calla knew there was something she recognized about that Bi han, he reminded her of Alycia; they were proud, arrogant, and impatient, “Of course not. I used force, however, they were highly skilled”. “If they are more than one person can handle, should we not assemble a party to deal with them” Coriander asked.

“That would be unwise,” Calla said. “And why is that?” Alycia crossed her arms. “Because the Grandmaster of the Lin Kuei is among them” silence, “Any further action taken against them would be inciting a war between our two clans. And we do not yet have the stability to combat the Lin Kuei”. Cypress was the one to speak, “Then why not give them what they want?”. “What?” a number of them asked.

“Hurricane season approaches. Pretend to humor their quarry, leave them without protection. I doubt the endless rain and thunderstorms will be worth staying” The council nodded in approval. “All those in agreement with Cypress” to her relief, there was no counter from anyone, Alycia included. “Very well then” watching the others leave, Calla remained seated. She would need to make trips out to their little camp to keep them complacent and away from the heart of the Mangrove. Just the thought of having to be near Bi han was infuriating, but she was in charge, it was her responsibility. And even if things got out of hand again, the one called Tomas would likely intervene again. At least one of them had a head on their shoulders.

The night sky was clear, however, a strong wind gusted against the group; the telltale sign of an incoming storm. “You gotta be kidding me” Johnny groaned. “Lord Liu Kang was clear in his instructions. No fire” Raiden sat on the thin mat. “Ugh, good thing I brought a battery pack”. “So, this Matron lady is gonna let us stay, but we can't go inside. How are exactly supposed to get her to agree to protect earth realm again? ” unsure how to answer Johnny’s question, Raiden turned his head to look at Smoke. “Matron Calla has agreed to listen to our proposal. Though after today’s blunder it will take much persuasion” Tomas said with his arms crossed.

It was a good thing the moon was full, the lack of fire combined with the thick foliage surrounding them would leave them in all encompassing darkness. Bi han looked at the others from his spot against a tree around twenty feet away. It was a pitiful group, inexperienced, undisciplined, if Liu Kang had allowed the Lin Kuei to handle it, he would have had this mission done in a matter of hours. He knew that if Kuai Liang had been there he would voice his displeasure with him. But it didn’t matter, he was the Grandmaster, he was the eldest. Kauai Liang had always shown an uncanny resemblance to their father. The old fool… He looked at his arm, now wrapped in blue cloth. As spiteful as he felt at the Matron for cutting him, he would have to put it behind him… for now. A small part of his brain nagged him for not finishing the job when he could have, but another, quieter part of his mind was impressed.

“And I thought I was dramatic” Johnny shoulder bumped Kenshi gesturing to Bi han. “Don’t touch me, Cage” Kenshi rolled his eyes. “What crawled up your ass” A swift punch to his side shut Johnny up, “Ow, geeze”. “This is serious, Cage. There are lives at stake”. Johnny put his hands up defeated, “I’ll take the first watch”.

Upon the rising of the morning sun, Calla had to mentally prepare herself for her second interaction with Liu Kang’s ‘ambassadors’. She had little need to wander this far from the village, and had it not been for her newfound ‘guests’ she doubted she would have gone this far to the border in at least a decade. Approaching where she had left them the sound of a huff drew her attention. To her left, partoling along their makeshift camp was Bi han. His eyes were narrowed in spite, though this time he did not dawn his blue mask. Had he not attempted to kill her hours previous she might even admit that he was handsome. If only his personality weren’t as jaded as a cliff's edge.

“Grandmaster, Bi han,” she swallowed her pride and irritation to appear cordial with the cryomancer. “Matron,” it was surprising how deep his voice was, she had half expected its pitch to come from his mask. Silence filled the air as he did nothing but stand with his arms crossed. His bluntness and utter lack of care irritated her to no end, and was no doubt intensional. “Are you going to take me to your negotiator?” Bi han only let out a grunt and began to walk towards presumably the others. “Jackass” Bi han’s head turned swiftly, nostrils flared, infuriated that he could not understand her, though it was evident she was talking about him in a less than… dignified manner.

“Matron Calla” A softer and more excitable voice interjected. Tomas stepped closer and gave a small bow, “thank you for allowing us to stay despite our transgressions”. “It was no difficulty, Tomas. I simply hope we can move past this” he nodded in agreement. “Kung Lao,” the man with the bladed hat said with a dramatic bow, “And my companions Kenshi Takahashi, Johnny Cage, and Raiden”.

“We are honored that you have agreed to speak with us,” Raiden says, “May we sit”. Gesturing to the thin mats layed on the ground. “It was our task given by Lord Liu Kang to convince you to rejoin his order. Though we can sense your reluctance”. Calla looked at Raiden, channeling every bit of her inner strength to not roll her eyes and to stop the scowl that would no doubt plague her face. “With respect. Raiden. The Hamadryad have created a new home on our own without the aid of Liu Kang. There is little he could offer us that we could not provide by ourselves”. “I highly doubt that,” Bi han says from behind her.

“Excuse me?” Bi han only stood his ground at Calla’s offense. “The monks may have taught the Shaolin nothing, but I am well aware of your plight. The Hamadryad are the weakest they have ever been. This entire mangrove is barely over a decade old” Calla stood enraged, “Brother don’--”.

“How dare you!” Stepping forward Bi han placed himself directly in front of her, staring downwards. “You let your spite for Liu Kang blind you to how vulnerable you truly are”. Tomas was the one to interject, lightly grabbing her shoulder to turn her away from his brother. “Despite Bi han’s disrespect, we recognize your apprehension to Lord Liu Kang. Please, tell us how we may remedy this”.

Calla had half a mind to ignore Tomas and throw Bi han across the clearing, but that hadn’t ended well the last time. “My people have suffered from your lord’s ambition, unless you are capable of rectifying the losses of every Dryad within the Mangrove I doubt this journey will be worth your time”. Calla had initially hoped to wear them out, to make them realize how futile their efforts would be, and how uncooperative she was. What she did not anticipate however was how utterly confident they were. “Perfect!” Johnny said, “Just let us talk with your people and we’ll have this mess sorted out in no time”. “I’m sorry, what?” Calla was dumbfounded.

“Trust me, I am an expert in apologies, I made about a thousand of them to my first wife alone. Just let us talk to your people, figure out what’ll make ‘em happy and boom, case closed” perhaps he was suffering some sort of brain damage, it was odd considering she didn’t remember hitting him at all yesterday, but it would explain the complete undeserved confidence he had.

“Uh, I wouldn’t think it wise for you to enter the Man–” , “Great, then you run it up with your council or whatever and do what you need to, and get us inside” Kenshi turned to his counterpart. “You don’t seriously expect that to work do you”, “Well I don’t see you coming up with anything”.

The two began to bicker, the rest of their company showing visible exhaustion. “I will confer with my council” she said loudly to draw attention away from Johnny and Kenshi, both still arguing with one another. Bi han was about to speak before Tomas stepped in front of him, “Thank you, Matron. We are grateful for your patients”.

It was going to take a lot more than she had thought to get rid of them.

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@whore-of-many-hot-men

#mk1 #mk1 2023 #bi han x reader #bi han #sub zero x reader #smoke x reader #smoke and ice #tomas vrbada

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danwhobrowses · 2 months

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Okay so we are doing a very rare third post about the events of Critical Role campaign 3 episode 91 so avoid if you still haven't watched it because there will be spoilers again

Right. So I'm not gonna talk more about the Reincarnate vs Stay Dead debate with FCG, I still prefer Reincarnate for reasons I put in my last post but now I'm gonna talk about the other route, if FCG stays dead, what becomes of his remains?

It is almost ironic that a PC death happened a few episodes after Matt created the Ruidian custom of making weapons from a loved one's remains, something Ashton and Fearne were quite intrigued by, so I wonder if the Hells would do the same - in a way carrying a little bit of FCG with them to continue the fight. Outside of his loot it's hard to tell what the Hells can use, if it were me I'd have each of the Hells have a bracelet from his hair at the least, but the rest would probably need to be left in the hands of tinkerers to create things that may enhance the Hells' combat; maybe a conductive whip for Imogen to use for her more lightning-based magic for instance, I can also see Ashton fixing FCG's head onto their outfit or hammer and Chetney and Laudna maybe making little FCG dolls for each of them too.

Loot-wise I had to look at the wiki to remind myself of all the stuff FCG had on them, as well as see what Otohan had but outside of the backpack and swords it wasn't quite descriptive at this point, and even then there's no guarantee it'll all be undamaged from the blast, but there were some notable things that could end up in the Hells' hands to use. I feel like we're all in agreement that if FCG doesn't come back that Ashton keeps the Coin of the Changebringer, perhaps even have it affixed to their hammer so to feel like FCG is still fighting with them. The full extent of its magical properties were not shown outside of the Yes/No question and 1 bout of Lucky per day, but on Ashton's hammer the daily reroll might end up being helpful, though they are not a fan of the gods a little FCG-aided divine buffing could go a long way. Other than that, Ashton probably should claim the two Potions of Possibility FCG had, my earlier post mentioned my belief that Otohan's backpack should go to them because Dunamancy (I didn't however mention how echoes can work as temporary meat shields for Ashton to better negate enemy attacks that'd otherwise be aimed at the party) and the logic is the same here, Matt would probably have to try and balance Ashton's Dunamancy and Titan buffs so to not take all four potions (or more, think Fearne and Orym have one too right? *checks* oh and Laudna so that's 7 potions!) at once but those seem to be key loot Ashton should keep a hold of.

Outside of combat FCG would be helpful in using Identify when the Hells came across new objects. While Chetney has Grim Psychometry to do something similar, the Goggles of Object Reading that FCG used could be taken by Imogen - which in turn may provide Laura and the fandom a means to canonize glasses on the character - along with the Staff of Dark Odyssey that she has used before.

Fearne is another who could hold the Staff, but I find it unlikely. She would probably take the rod used to plane-shift to the Fey Realm, in a way being a key to home if she needs it. I can see her taking the Ivory Branch as well, albeit temporarily until a new healer presents themselves, due to the +1 Spell attack and +1d4 Healing. She might keep the Ruidian mood ring but I feel like that wouldn't survive the blast, same with the recipes FCG collected, though it'd be nice if someone were able to carry on his memory that way; Fearne, Ashton or Orym would be likely candidates for that.

Laudna would perhaps be able to use most of the scrap remains of FCG for her constructs, perhaps a little buffing for Pate is in order plus she doesn't use Sashimi often. Chetney only really works in wood so he probably won't take the remains, stuff such as his saws and propeller could be used to empower Laudna's own creations, maybe even the fake legs too.

One weapon I think will not end in Laudna's hands however is the Grapple cannon, which could suit either Orym or Chetney. Orym is the better candidate to use it though, given the 20 Dexterity compared to Chetney's 14, additionally there is the +1 Mithril Half-Plate Armor, which could be an improvement for either.

If Orym were to get both I could see it being a trade for Chetney not getting anything, in turn granting Chetney both of Otohan's swords to use - since Orym may want nothing to do with her equipment given her role in killing their family. Otherwise I can see Chetney maybe grabbing the saws ahead of Laudna, maybe the goggles but he does already have the monocle, and any utensils he can repurpose for crafting. There is also the possibility of him getting the Aeoran Scrambling Devices that we know little about, maybe adding a little 'this wouldn't happen if it were wooden' catharsis for Chet if he used them on machines.

The only other thing that is left from FCG are the bolt thrower and the All-Minds-Burn drugs. The latter could go to anyone but Ashton, Fearne and Imogen are more likely (she still needs to plant that seed), the bolt thrower could go to Laudna, she never used Bor'dor's slingshot with the Draconic Rune that Prism added to it, or to Chetney to fire a chisel. His coat he designed like FRIDA's would probably be kept for her to be given too. Outside of that the only other specific loot we currently know from Otohan is the Fake Treshi Ring for Scrying (not its official name), which won't be of use to the Hells since the next time they get close to a major enemy they will be fighting, but perhaps it could be placed in the hands of Liliana Temult, either to keep track of her or to plant on Ludinus so the Hells can track his movements instead.

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allthecanadianpolitics · 24 days

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The Ford government is setting its sights on building its signature Highway 413 project next year, with plans for the controversial route to begin construction in 2025.

In a muddy field in Caledon, Ont., along the route of the proposed highway on Tuesday morning, Ontario Premier Doug Ford and construction leaders promised the route would not be the last new major road.

“We are delivering on our promise to build Highway 413 with a plan to fix gridlock and get drivers across Halton, Peel and York regions where they need to go faster,” Ford said.

The 52-kilometre highway is set to run from Milton to Vaughan, cutting through Peel Region and the edge of the Greenbelt. It has been a signature Ford government policy and a lightning rod for opposition, particularly among environmental groups.

The province said it is currently doing fieldwork on the project, which includes borehole drilling, soil evaluations and bedrock studies. Land expropriations are expected to follow this year, with the province getting landowners along the route to sell. [...]

Tagging: @newsfromstolenland

#cdnpoli #Doug Ford #Conservatives #Progressive Conservatives #Ontario #infrastructure

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awesomecitys-blog · 4 months

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As promised, the flame types of Hitman Reborn.

Sky flames - Characteristic: Harmony •Users of this flame are known to possess great insight, are generally the leaders of the group, and are known for accepting everyone.

Storm flames - Characteristic: Disntegration •Users of this flame are often hot heads and stubborn. They generally are the most offensive of their group, and the most destructive.

Rain flames - Characteristic: Tranquility •Users of this flame are calm and collected, serving as the mediators of the group. They are most known for washing away the conflicts that occur.

Sun flames - Characteristic: Activation •Users of this flame are the light of the group and provide joy to others. Someone them are also the doctors of the group, and are generally known for taking on threats with their own body.

Lightning flames - Characteristic: Hardening •Users of this flame act as lightning rods, pulling threats away from the group. They are also extremely tough, acting as a shield for their allies.

Mist flames - Characteristic: Construction •Users of this flame are secretive and aid the group by creating distractions to prevent enemies from finding them. They are also good at information gathering and can keep the enemy from figuring out what the group does and doesn’t know.

And last but not least

Cloud flames - Characteristic: Propagation •Users of this flame tend to be aloof and withdrawn from the group, but will act when their leader calls upon them. They help the protect the family by increasing the amount of attacks the enemy has to deal with.

These are just the basics, and there’s more to them, but this shall suffice for now.

#khr #katekyo hitman reborn #anime #sky flames #storm flames #rain flames #sun flames #lightning flames #mist flames #cloud flames

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rodrigobera04 · 1 month

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The next list will be with the scary ghost type:

GHOST pure

Glass frog with a transparent belly,as a school anatomy mannequin.

Geisha kimono possessed by her haunted netsuke.

Ghost slug covered in spectral slime.

Skeleton changing shape into bizarre appearances.

Spectral dinosaur that imitates voices.

Translucent ghost with only its lineart being seen.

Ghost if teleported, can even change next to your Pokémon in the battle.

Entity made of scary children's scribbles, like in horror films.

Sinister forest spirit, imitates animals in a distorted way.

GHOST/GROUND

Decomposer worms forming a zombie arm.

Odalisque spirit creating mirages with sand.

Turtle shell possessed by the ghost of its former owner.

Creature with a single foot like a rabbit, its footprints can bring good or bad luck.

Spirit of dirt hidden and lurking under a rug.

Cow skeleton, covered in clay that covers its bones like a new body.

Serpentine reptile cut into pieces,that move independently.

Specter opening a portal in the floor, like a trapdoor, to scare people.

Whale that died stranded, now its spirit haunts the beach.

GHOST/ICE

Sea cow pretending to be friendly to drown people in revenge.

Frozen vampire mammoth now absorbs blood with its trunk to keep warm.

Vaporous ghost of a melting ice cube.

Undead climber haunting mountains and making jaw noises.

Specter based on an ice finger, freezes everything with its touch.

Spectral snow owl attacking silently through the air.

Aquatic boogeyman of frozen lakes based in qalupalik.

"La Llorona" of ice, female ghost with frozen tears.

Hunter disguised with the skin of an animal he hunted.

GHOST/NORMAL

Flattened ghost of some animal that was run over.

Lemur making scary sounds, like a ghost.

Kaiju or mascot costume animated by a supernatural force.

Umbrella ghost hiding its skeletal body over its membrane.

Funeral comb controlling a ghostly mound of hair.

Stuffed animal, standing still until someone approaches.

Hyena voodoo wizard, summoning ghosts of the deceased.

Doll that is possessed by spirits that animate it.

Ghost rodent, uses the corpse of the snake that bit him as clothing.

GHOST/FAIRY

Vengeful fur coat made from several skinned ermines.

Ghost unicorn taking revenge on the hunters who stole his horn.

Goblin made of Halloween candy, always asking for more to form his body.

Mischievous poltergeist possessing toys;give bird legs to a dollhouse.

Macabre Jack-in-the-box, feeds on fear, scaring the victim.

Chimera created by parts of different deceased beings.

Pooka changing into frightening forms in macabre pranks.

Pure soul transformed into a cemetery fairy; leaves flowers on graves.

Magical gloves animated by phantom energy, perform tasks for their owners.

GHOST/STEEL

Cursed carriage of an amusement park ghost train.

Skeleton of construction beams from a never-finished project.

Harionago creating a web of barbed wire that injures the victim.

Robot possessed by a ghostly force.

Cage haunted by the bird that inhabited it.

Metal instrument playing requiem music, an organ or a harp perhaps.

Ghost with a blade around his neck that he spins to cut opponents.

Knife that was possessed by the soul of its victim.

Can with a hand inside that sucks energy, attracting prey with the smell of food.

GHOST/WATER

Pelican eel drowning the victim in its inflatable mouth.

Aquatic spectrum like a reflection, distorting your image.

Ghost of water entering houses through leaks.

Fish with a vaguely humanoid face haunts rivers.

Fishnet possessed by the animals killed in it.

Food chain of fish, one coming out of the other's mouth.

Blanket octopus carrying the souls of drowned people to the afterlife.

Stingray with a scary fake face on top and a happy, real one on the bottom.

Spectral parasitic crustacean, possessing a translucent jellyfish.

GHOST/ELECTRIC

Pikaclone laboratory mouse with X-ray skeleton.

Stiff-haired ghost that produces static.

"Lightning rod" zombie, being hit by lightning to gain electrical strength.

Abyssal fish stranded on a beach that shocks even when dead.

Ghost playing the prank of scaring people with a flashlight in his face.

Creeping figure made from TV sprinkles, interfering with radio signals.

Soul attracted to electricity, looking like a moth.

Defibrillator ghost that can take and return life with its shocks.

Angel made of lightning, looking like the skeleton of a stingray.

GHOST/FIGHTING

Little creature being possessed by the literal "fighting spirit", becoming a warrior.

Disembodied leg with two arms on top.

Japanese wolf Yokai, protecting the fauna and flora of the mountains.

Armless training dummy that creates spectral arms to aid.

Buer demon with multiple legs to kick.

Fighter using two skulls on his hands as biting gauntlets.

Voodoo witch being able to pass the damage on her body to the opponent.

Dancing skeleton based on a Tibetan dance.

Two guard dogs sewn around the waist, always vigilant.

GHOST/ROCK

Stone ancient wheels that create flames when they turn, like wayniudo.

Brick from a haunted house that looks like a skull.

Stone vase containing ashes of a deceased person.

Spirit resting inside fossils, waiting to be awakened.

Living drawing of a silhouette on the ground, like those drawn at crime scenes.

Cursed pillars guarding imprisoned and angry souls.

Horned god statue with gem eyes that cause amnesia, paranoia and fear.

Condemned ghost holding a large, heavy rock as punishment for his greed.

Maiden decorated with mourning jewelry at funerals.

GHOST/BUG

Tiny ants carrying heavy objects, confused by poltergeist activity.

Butterfly drinking fluids from deceased;insect psychopomp.

Beetle stuck by a needle, as if from an exhibition.

Cockroach with a haunting face drawn on its back that causes fear.

Parasitic wasp with a necromancer wizard theme.

Vampire praying mantis resembling a jiangshi.

Silk caterpillar having its cocoon like a coffin after being slaughtered for manufacturing.

Specter fly, seen only by the person it torments with its buzzing.

Scavenger bee collecting carrion and creating macabre-looking hives.

GHOST/FIRE

Star born from a soul that went to heaven and became a "little star".

Odori-don octopus motionless until hit with heat.

Imp of fire and brimstone, torturing people with fire.

Swift fire spirit hunting like a stray bullet.

Bonfire animated by the ghost stories told around it.

Skeletal and singed animal, victim of a forest fire.

Decapitated chicken with a fireball for a head.

Vampire on fire from the sun, drinks heat instead of blood.

Flaming ghost jellyfish with fiery tentacles.

GHOST/FLYING

Whistling spirit, imitating the breath of the wind.

Medium lyre bird, imitates the sound of the deceased.

Ghost holding fans, can control wind.

Predator bat catching prey with its net wings.

Kite using his tail to grab things and strangle victims.

Grim reaper stork taking deceased souls away.

Itta-mommen curled into a humanoid shape like a mummy.

Severed head with small wings, looking for a body.

Striga-based vampiric ghost, can turn into an owl.

GHOST/GRASS

Headless plant monster with a necklace of literal garlic heads.

Fungus that covers a spider, giving it long legs.

Banana peel ghost, making people slip.

Severed tree stump with a crushing spectral trunk.

Dry Venus flytrap with its mouth reminiscent of futakuchi-onna.

Spectral creature of dry autumn leaves, makes plants wither.

Humanoid covered in genipap paint, representing mourning.

Mummy with papyrus scrolls for bandages.

Predator shrouded in thicket, never revealing its form beyond its eyes.

THE MYTHIC TO FINISH:

Small mummified ghost reducing living beings to dust; personifies decomposition.

See you soon.

#fakemon #pokemon #ghost type #ghost pokemon

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omegasparta1997 · 1 year

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RWBY Volume 9 - Jaune’s schedule

• Disastrons lightning of the (fingers in the way) the first fire!!!

• Save PP from the residual (fingers in the way) the first fire

• BRUNCH!

• Patrol the town - checking on individual PP

• Stop the pebble tower from toppling!!

• Secure the dam

• Rave Ren from the falling into Koi pond

• Watch out for terrible two’s!!! ⭐️⭐️😡

• Keep away from shredder!

• If any traveling salesman/trader comes through, check for hazardous goods

• If you wouldn’t give it to a baby, DON’T give it to the PP’s!

• Help w/ daily construction/beautifying projects (so PP don’t get injured)

• LUNCH!

• No more fried foods (too much grease)!

• Tea shop fiasco

• Stop the second fire

• Say, PP from the residential water for the second fire

• Check in at sandpaper knife-shop

• Help rake the sand (*you’d be surprised how dangerous rakes can be!)

• Keep Oscar away from anything that can be used as a kite string

• STOP THE GOOSE

• Repair scarecrows in rice fields

• **It’s late fight off giant crows/make new scarecrows (Ruby will help!)

• Stop cards from crashing -> East market place

• Stop the coffee maker at the café before it explodes

• (paper in the way) Paper indoor before daily wind surge

• Stop Nora from climbing pebble tower during the storm <- (trust me this one and poorl☹️)

• Take the scissors from Neptune

• Stop the “bandits”

• Stop the third, and final (hopefully?) fire

• Help Pyrrha out with her homework ☺️

• Stop the un-folding (*you’ll know when I see it)

• Take away the makeshift lightning rods during the storm

• Get paper pleasers to bed

• Final rounds

• Find a way home…

#rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby v9 #rwby vol 9 #rwby volume 9 #ruby rose #weiss schnee #blake belladonna #yang xio long #jaune arc

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textualviolence · 10 months

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ok last thing before i go to sleep. theres a real stigma & horror that surrounds the concept of masturbation that we genuinely need to start looking at more closely on here. If you ask anybody directly they'll all say they support masturbation but when you dig a little deeper you'll of course find all the caveats of "so long as its not to anything i personally find disgusting" which quickly devolves down to nothing at all. like lynda hart said "You can be a lesbian so long as you don't do anything." You can masturbate so long as you don't think about anything and don't do it at the wrong place and at the wrong time of day and not too often and not with anything and not in any way other than the normal accepted kind that we of course all know and prefer.

Homophobia is not the hatred of homosexuality for itself but the hatred of a constructed "'anti-heterosexuality", the imaginary other that threatens the order of normality and the proper functioning of heterosexual reproduction. If you don't realise this and think theres something in particular about homosexuality that makes it noble and worthy of defending (so long as its "'normal") but no other form of sexual deviance is worth examining with anything other than scorn ive got news for you. And so in the same way that homosexuality is threatening because it contradicts the heterosexual script, masturbation also functions as a lightning rod for sexual discrimination & right-wing hatred. Like homosexuality its fine in theory but not in practice.

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scrion7 · 1 year

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the list [text format]

"I have a 36 step plan to keep myself completely sane without having a mental breakdown!" -Jaune, probably

Disastrous lighting of the [covered by hand] The First Fire!

Save PP from the residual [water from stopping] the first fire

Brunch!

Patrol the town - Check in on individual PP

Stop the pebble tower from toppling!!

Secure the Dam

Save Ren from falling into koi pond

Watch out for the Tearable Two's!! ⭐⭐☹️

Keep away from Shredder!

If any traveling salesman/traders come through, check for hazardous goods

If you wouldn't give it to a baby, don't give it to the PP's!

Help w/ daily construction/beautifying projects (so PP don't get injured)

Lunch!

No more fried foods (too much grease)!

Tea shop fiasco

Stop the second fire

Save PP from the residual water from the second fire

Check in at sandpaper - knife shop

Help rake the sand (*You'd be surprised at how dangerous [a] rake can be!)

Keep Oscar away from anything that can be used as a kite string

STOP. THE. GOOSE.

Repair scarecrows in rice fields

**If late, fight off giant crows/make new scarecrows (Ruby will help!)

Stop carts from crashing -> East market place

Stop the coffee maker at the cafe before it explodes

[Get all] Paper indoors before daily wind surge

Stop Nora from climbing pebble tower during storm <- Trust me, this one ends poorly ☹️

Take the scissors from Neptune

Stop the "bandits"

Stop the third, and final ^(hopefully?!) fire

Help Pyrrha with her homework ☺️

Stop the Un-Foldening (*You'll know it when you see it)

Take away the makeshift Lightning Rods during the storm

Get paper pleasers to bed

Final rounds

Find a way home...

Picture version here!

#jfc jaune I am concern #rwby #rwby spoilers #rwby v9 #jaune arc

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honourablejester · 1 year

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Can I just say that someone doing the writing for the PF2e Inventor class was clearly having a lot of fun? I’m just looking at some of the feat names and fluff, and someone’s really leaning into the whole ‘mad scientist’ thing in absolutely the best way:

No! No! I created you! You appeal to your construct companion's bond with its creator to have it break free of a controlling effect.

Searing Restoration: They told you there was no way that explosions could heal people, but they were fools… Fools who didn't understand your brilliance! You create a minor explosion from your innovation, altering the combustion to cauterize wounds using vaporized medicinal herbs.

Ubiquitous Gadgets: They thought you had used up all your devices, but they thought wrong!

Soaring Armour: Whether through a release of jets of flame, propeller blades, sonic bursts, streamlined aerodynamic structure, electromagnetic fields, or some combination of the above, you've managed to free your innovation from the bonds of gravity!

You Failed To Account For … This! When your foes try to attack you, you always seem to have some outlandish invention you can pull out at the last second to protect you from whatever attack they throw at you. Describe a device you're attempting to use to protect yourself from the foe's attack—for instance, when attacked by a shocker lizard's shock Strike, you might pull out a specially grounded lightning rod from that time you tried to power an invention by harnessing a thunderstorm! Using an invention to defend in this way means that the attack roll for the triggering attack targets your Crafting DC instead of your AC.

… Someone clearly knew that anyone playing a crackpot inventor is going to need all the exclamation marks. All of them. All the time. I fucking love that last one in particular. You are now contractually obliged to have your inventor say the feat name every time they use this. “Hah! You fools! You failed to account … for this!” *pulls out some absolute bullshit thing that miraculously diverts an attack regardless*

There’s also Just the Thing!, which is like You Failed to Account, except for skill checks instead of incoming attacks. Whatever you need to do, you now pull some bullshit gadget to do it for you. Need to jump a gorge? Instead of Athletics, you can now use Crafting to whip out your go-go spring boots that you’ve apparently been working on in your spare time to vault it. Congratulations, you are now Inspector Gadget. I love it.

I’m just delighted over here by how much fun someone was clearly having writing the fluff text for this class. Mad science for the win!

#pathfinder #pf2e #inventor #class descriptions #fluff #mad science #excellent

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frozenjokes · 29 days

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little snippet I had to share. doc is canonically the hottest guy in town

So that’s how Grian found himself at The Goat’s doorstep, a massive, impending thing. Most supervillains took utmost care in hiding their identities and home addresses; they had to, otherwise the police force would have no reason to pretend they couldn’t arrest them. The Goat, however, was an exception. This place could hardly be called a house; it was more like a fortress that looked over the entire city, spires like lightning rods collecting energy from storms in a light show that you could see for miles. While The Goat had been arrested several hundred times by now (he’d been around for as long as Grian could remember, very possibly before he was born), he never quite stayed in jail, always finding a way to escape in one way or another. At this point, it was common knowledge that The Goat was only ever taken into custody because he wanted to be; successfully imprisoned for only however long he allowed. While quite famous, The Goat also happened to be a bit of a hermit, only surfacing from his lair once or twice a month, so really, it was pretty unlucky for Scar to come across him the one day he had chosen to lay pathetically on the concrete, legs ripe for the stealing.

Regardless, this mysterious reclusiveness made the villain quite popular among many, his nonchalance combined with the insanity of some of his works of engineering drawing a great deal of attention. That, and people were just outright thirsting over him. Unabashedly horny. Grian had never seen The Goat in person before, but he’d seen enough pictures to understand- not that he agreed or anything, just that it made sense. The Goat was a big guy, like, big; Grian didn’t know the logistics of his exact species, but he was a sort of centaur-like creature, built like a clydesdale but even taller, half of his chest, right arm, and face entirely cybernetic, armaments that were constructed by the man himself.

#hermitcraft #grian #docm77

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batmanisagatewaydrug · 1 year

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Hi sex witch, long time listener, 3rd (?) time caller. You've always been kind and patient with my somewhat odd questions so I figured I'd come to you with something I've wanted to ask someone for a while. Ok so basically I'm 19 (20 this fall) and I feel weird about the fact that I've never kissed anyone or really ever had any romantic interactions beyond holding a girl’s hand at camp when I was 15. Honestly, when I've been asked in the past if I'm a virgin people usually just shrug it off but a few weeks ago I had to submit to the mortifying ordeal of being asked about my first kiss and having to say that I, a second year college student, have never kissed anyone. Realistically, I hear a lot about how people, especially queer and/or disabled people (of which I am both), don't need to operate by the same “milestones“ as everyone else but it seems like that’s always referring to like “don't feel weird if you’re still a virgin at 17” rather than whatever my deal is. Basically, I'm partially asking for reassurance and also just asking how to not feel weird about this kind of thing because it feels like the more time that goes past the more embarrassing it is. Also, if/when I ever actually have a relationship how do I explain this without feeling like I am going to fall over and die from embarrassment. Sorry for rambling, love all the work that you do :D

oh hey, welcome back! go ahead and grab your usual seat. I have a cup of [beverage of your choice] for you.

I would like to open by saying it is of course fine to feel a bit bummed or disappointed or generally odd by your lack of romantic experiences with other people, especially if romantic relationships are something you would like to have in your life. they seem like they can be fun, if you're into that sort of thing, and it's very rewarding to make connections with other people. there's nothing wrong with feeling a bit sad about missing out; please just honor those feelings if they're in you and attend to them constructively rather than letting them become a sort of self-pity soup you wallow in for perpetuity.

now, having acknowledged that your feelings are perfectly legitimate and fine and normal to have: it's time to stop feeling embarrassed about experiences you haven't had, because you may as well be embarrassed about having never been struck by lightning.

"Makenzie, why on earth would I be embarrassed about that? I have no control over being struck by lightning. it's a thing that happens entirely at random, and happens more as a result of freak happenstance than anything else. even if I tried to increase my chances by, say, standing next to a lightning rod in a storm, I still couldn't guarantee it would happen."

yeah, babe. exactly. finding a romantic connection is exactly like that, in that you can only put yourself out there and hope. what happens next is mostly a matter of dumb luck and being in precisely the right place at the right time for something electrifying to happen. how could it possibly reflect poorly on you that that's not happened yet?

the main thing is that, whatever your feelings on the matter, anyone else who feels the need to get weird or judgmental or demand an explanation when you explain your romantic history is a clown to whom you owe no explanation. in much the same way you're not required to explain, say, the exact nature of your queerness or your disability, their lack of understanding is their problem, not yours.

as for any future partners, what is there to explain? you certainly have less work to do than people who need to catch new folks up on entire romantic histories. "I've never dated, I've never done this before, you're the first person I've done x with," those are all perfectly satisfactory. any relationship involves learning how to be a good partner all over again, and someone with no prior romantic experience whose willing to learn is frankly a much better prospect than someone whose had many partners but isn't interested in listening to what a new one needs. if your prospective partner(s) can't understand that, their loss I suppose.

#sex edventures 2023

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