#again asking myself. why am i like this

[bekkachaos]

Anyone else getting a burning urge to read/write a really angsty fic where they are just pulling away from this connection they have to be together but they just can't and everything is god I wish I could keep myself away from you but you are the worst kind of drug and every inch of my body and soul aches for you

Just me?

#Malex #alex manes #michael guerin #again asking myself. why am i like this #roswell new mexico #rnm 4x02

[sweetgaleria]

Help a college student graduate by answering a survey!!

Hey!! Are you over 18 and in the miraculous fandom? Then this is for you!!

Hi everyone, this is my last semester of uni, and one of my final projects to be able to graduate is to write a scientific paper. I'm writing an article about adult fans of children's animation, specifically Miraculous Ladybug. My goal is to understand what makes adults (like us) want to join fandoms centered around shows aimed primarily at children, and to do that I'd love to hear directly from the source! The survey takes around 10 minutes to answer, it's 100% anonymous and it would help me immensely!

>>Click here for the survey<<

I need at least 30 people to answer, but honestly the more the merrier! I've also made a little thank you gif at the end, so if you see it let me know! If you have any questions feel free to send me an ask, as well!

Please reblog so it can reach more people! Thank you so much!

#what do we love (or hate!! I know people are here bc they dont like the show as much too) abt miraculous that #makes us want to spend so much time thinking and creating things for and about it? #miraculous ladybug #i am once again asking for your support #insert bernie sanders meme here #alskdjasd #no but really if you answer this it would help me so so much #and i'll be so thankful #i will reblog this post a bit frequently so please be patient with me 😭😭 #also the point of this is not to shame anyone for watching kid's shows in any shape or form #i just love animation and kids cartoons too #my first intentions with this research were to ask why do we mostly view animation as a kid's genre instead of a technique to tell stories #in the west at least #but it was too broad of a question and I dont have enough time to dedicate myself to it #so i narrowed it down to something i'm familiar with #which is why i went for #so uh anyway #pls reblog #and answer my survey #thank you so much

[skunkes]

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow! #all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project. #as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either. #im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it) #i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

[oatbugs]

pls i need to provide updates

#basically yesterday night was chaharshanbe suri . which is a solar new yr tradition where we let go of the past suffering in our year #and like...start the new yr w fresh vigour . anyway so my friend was at the event and we were abt to leap over the fire #and she was like bro im im glad u blocked her (situationship) etc etc . and then. my phone started vibrating. and i look at it. and my f #friend looks at it. and its her. and were both like what the fuck?? i blocked her things r Over and anyway so i pick up the phone and shesl #acting like nothing happened (bc nothing DID happen for her) and she was like ohh ur doing chaharshanbe suri im not doing anything etc what #are ur new yr plans so i jusr .IDK WHY I DID THIS . but ig i didnt wanna come off as like lonely i said probably hanging out w family and #friends maybe reading poetry together . et cetera and she was like wait that sounds so fun why didnt u invite me! #LIKE WDYM YOUVE BEEN CONSISTENTLY MAKING IT CLEAR U DONT WANT TO BE IN MY PRESENCE . and i told her that after #everything i thought she didnt want to see me again and she was like you always think that 😐 . like. ?? ok anyway so she expects me to #invite her . and like. there is an above 0% but sub-5% chance she will actually show up . but the panic that gripped me #i started making calls to my friends asking them if they can come on the 23rd bc there must be an event and also i asked my mother #and she said actually yeah i am doing a thing on the 23rd :D it involves over 16 ppl (we live in a v small flat) of which like...7 are kids #so you wont have space to be in ur own room let alone invite others. which tbh like ...being around a bunch of loud kids doesnt seem fun fo #any of my friends or me etc so i thought maybe i should arrange things so that we all go out together and if she shows up she shows up 🤷‍♀️ #but . im so. WHY DID I SAY THAT . i had to panic-call my research partner and ask him to get from oxf to where i live on the 23rd #and when he heard the explanation he like. the light in his voice disappeared 💀 but he potentially agreed so idk #THE ISSUE IS. 23rd im supposed to also have . a date #w this girl that i had a huge crush on when i was 15-16 (posted abt this b4 but id get shitty black coffee in the mornings just to spend a #few more minuted w her each day and she was the cleverest girl in school and she cared abt nothing but her academics but now shes very gay #scraggly homosexual etc etc shes cute) and YEAH IDK #like id have to go there on the date come back fast meet ppl POTENTIALLY (again under 5%) meet situationship girl #like is that even doable #but the thing is it would be so so so funny bc all of my friends dislike her sooo much #.........what if i invited the girl im supposed to have a date w over to hang out w us #god that would be so hilarious and chaotic . i wont do it tho im a mature person x #but it would be soooo funny #I HAVE AN ASSIGNMENT DUE TMRW 12:30PM IT IS 10:49PM RN I HAVENT STARTED IT bc i was rotting sadly in bed #popped a ritalin pill tho so here we go x #i have found myself in a state of such sheer agony and rage and sorrow and grief over this girl that atp i feel like #its just so entertaining . like i feel vaguely over it? ik nothing will come of it so its like just . have fun . vibe

[panthermouthh]

creecher my beloved <3

(or in other words, very cool and awsome art, and i am loving the frankenstein stuff)

He’s just a lil guy <333 so what about the atrocities <333

#thank u <3333 #I have a small backlog of stuff #but I haven’t finalised stuff bc I am v busy this week lol #and also I am flip flopping between them despising each other like in the original text #and Victor being insanely and unmovingly devoted to the creature and thinks he’s the most beautiful thing in the entire world #truly a face only a mad scientist could love #and I made myself sad thinking of the creature killing Victor anyway #and Victor isn’t mad #he made him this way after all #he still loves him and forgives him even as he’s dying #because he’s perfect #he’s the perfect creation #and Adam will never know why he couldn’t make him Better #oughh I made myself sad again #asks #anon #Frankenstein

[thebirdandhersong]

we are all trying to reach home and belonging because we were made for something beyond this earth but why does it feel like some people have more access to that feeling right now

#in other words: i am once again asking why i am standing on the other side of the glass #the dorm people have been visiting each other?? people have been inviting each other over to their houses over the summer???? #people are extending invitations to their friends freely too????? i did not know this #i mean. why am i surprised WHY am i surprised #i HATE to be like. okay well why haven't you invited me. why have i never been invited by anyone before. it sounds like whining to my ears #i mean. i AM whining. i have been sitting in this space for the past 2 hours in the same room with these people #and i am STILL on the outside. there's only FOUR OF US IN THE ROOM #praying for strength bc i have no energy to cry again. like yes i know the lonely little girl is still alive and weeping in my heart #but i am too tired to beg for love i am too tired to perform for it i am too tired to hold my hands out and say: #may i please receive this too. I AM TOO TIRED. #tired of feeling like i'm injecting myself into conversations! of being HERE but not totally belonging! of being the odd one out! #i know they like me but do they love me! why does it always have to feel like i'm CONSTANTLY ASKING for love! #the waiting room chapter

[obessivedork]

Was.... that supposed to be the end of FO4? 😐 Like once you've blown up the Institute you get this random nostalgic slideshow that has nothing to do with ANYTHING and that's it? You beat the game! Good for you! But we'll place you back into the world to keep playing I fucking guess? What's going to happen to your friends and The Commonwealth with all the decisions you made?😐 Don't ask us! Not like we're going to make an RPG with the infamous RPG IP, that would be silly!

#DOES ANYTHING I DID FUCKING MATTER BESIDES THE FACTION I WENT WITH TO MAKE THE INSTITUTE GO BOOM???? #What in the HELL????? #I have literally NEVER been more underwhelmed with an ending in my LIFE. #At least 3 showed slides for A COUPLE things I did!!!!!!!! #Hell! When fucking Dragon Age Inquisition managed to make their vanilla pre-dlc'ed ending feel better than yours that is a PROBLEM #because that is the SECOND worst ending to a game I've ever played #& I know I said Mike took the parts to the Minutemen but I couldn't convince myself doing that made sense #the railroad and brotherhood both make sense. they have people who can figure those parts out! The minutemen... do not #I'm so MAD I put HOURS into this game 😭😭😭 I love the Fallout series SO MUCH why is ANY level of compotent storytelling #ASKING TOO MUCH???? 😭 #almost 10 years late to the party but. MAN. Like the rest of the game is DECENT!!! it has flaws of course every thing ever made does #but I had SOME fun!! But like.... Bethany.... Miss Bethany Esda an ending that feels GOOD is a VERY important part of games PERIOD #YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT #kat plays FO4 #fallout #FO4 #with all this said yes I AM immediately starting again to play a F SS and make her more chaotic and mean. Mikey was my standard #agressively paragon good wholesome cinnamonbun run. Next character? Oh man she will cause problems ON PURPOSE

[lonicera-edulis]

There were these butterfly bookmarks on instagram, I decided to make one too.

#I am once again asking myself continue working on commissions #why am I like this #international child Hob #the hobbit

[oscill4te]

deviantart changed their search engine so that you cannot look up art just by searching up a person's username. this sucks and means if your account(s) was banned over a decade ago, you're probably not going to be able to access that art or those old journals anymore, unless its archived already. dayum =[ ive gotten banned so many times due to not being 13+ lol, they rightfully enforced that rule very well.

#its okay though. its not good to ruminate in the past anyways!! #not extensively at least. #if i could go back in the past id ask younger me to archive her art and journals. save the notebooks #but its okay. again. rumination isnt good. ive been doing that a lot recently. time to live in the present. #im drawing some old ocs to idk. get over that loss i guess. #i wanna draw the ones i remember before i forget completely one day #i dont know why it matters so much to me. they are just technicolored animals drawn on ms paint; no? #well. it does matter to me. so XD #i should be happy with what i have archived. i did do a bit of archiving as a teen and it genuinely its nice that i did that for myself #the internet will never reliably back up your stuff. devices break. notebooks get lost. bwah. :p loss is normal. #if i ever visit my parents i want to hunt for my laptop.. its lost in a sea of.... :( hoarding #it might not even work anymore. it could be gone even #its not as sad as im making it out to be lmao. i guess i just forget what i was like in the past sometimes #even in therapy an event that happened when i was 17 came up.. i barely remember who i was at that age. lots from that time is gone. #i guess i dont have to remember. who ever i am -now- matters more than a hypothetical past me........... #but that past me got me here. and im so thankful. want her to be find peace for once. i want to at least know her. all versions of her. #divided sense of self = lmao. this all sounds so woo

[a-lil-strawberry]

Please pray that a complicated billing situation will be sorted out and covered by my insurance. It's for an ambulance ride I had in June for a panic attack. Some of you might remember me panicking about it a few months ago when I got the statement.

#it's a giant bill and my mom's insurance which is my primary only covered a tiny portion of it #and the ambulance service tried only once to contact my secondary insurance and they never even got it #so they never covered anything #but they were never contacted #so then i made them contact each other when it was made apparent that otherwise i would owe $2020. #yes two thousand and twenty dollars #and then i was waiting for them to deal with it #and today i just received another statement still showing that they never contacted that insurance and that i owe them the money by the 30th #so i panicked a little bit #then called the insurance and they said they had just recieved the claim on the first #so then i called the ambulance service and told them so and asked if the due date of the 30th was still in place #and she said no it's on hold and the insurance lady said most likely some of it would be covered #so hopefully it will go down drastically #and man this whole situation is like.... why did i have to do all the contacting back and forth #i thought that was y'all's job #but whatever #so now i am waiting again :) #fully aware that i may still owe a large chunk of that #but it's okay bc i am starting a new job and all will be well :))))))) #right??????? #all will be well?????? #and it was a dang panic attack that started all this #so i feel somewhat like this is all my fault #if i had never taken that thc gummy and greened out so bad and worked myself up none of this would be happening :) #but that's not healthy for me to think #it's in the past and i truly thought i needed to go in so in that moment i was doing what i thought i needed to do to take care of myself #i should be proud of myself for that #i just wish healthcare was different in this country

[softshuji]

Any men out there wanna pretend to be my bf to get my parents off my case about marriage? I am so so serious right now.

#my mom gave me a really really lonf lecture and upset me because her and my dad want me to start thinking about settling down ans getting #married. again. cos this comes up all the time. ans I reiterated that i do wanna marry and have kids. i know im 26 years old why do they' #think im also not aware of this??? like i suddenly forgot my own age and have my head in the clouds all the time. and i got so heated cos i #said they only believe in that in theory. in reality neither of them have accepted the idea od my leaving home or the idea of mw being with #a man. and they start freaking out if they even find out i talk to them so to say they want me to get married is so fucking naive #ans when i mentioned this and that they're more than ok w mt brothers talking tp women she said that if i wanted to settle down she could #talk to dad and they could “go about finding someone for me” and I've never been so pissed #i got so upset. why does everyone keep saying this to me. as if anyone my dad knows could ever be a half decent man #and the truth is they don't care if im in a happy marriage they've accepted that i won't be they only care that im gone and saving face in #front of family. that's all. it's always reputation it's always “what will people say?” #not once did love come up. not once did shw even imply that i should marryfor love #or that they hope i love someone and marry them. because they're more happy with the idea of me marrying for the sake of it than #they are at the idea of me finding genuine lovw #im not a fucking broodmare im not here to push out babies for the sake od reputation. #and then i said nor being married isn't the end of the world and she said “it's important that you settle down” #and i said im unwavering in my principles. she can call mw high maintenance like she loves doing but I'm not wavering on the #kind of man i want to be with and when i do marry him i want it to bw genuine. because be loves me and vice versa not because im ticking off #somethin from a damn checklist to appease them. and if being unwavering on my principles means staying unmarried then so be it. #my obligations are to god and myself and that's it #and y'know what??? i am in love with a boy already #and yet they don't care that i wanna be in love at all. no im just a puppet to follow a certain narrative in life live according to evergone #else has and that's it. #im done. #and then she tried to apologise by getting me a slice of cake and that somehow made me feel worse. #i dont want an apology. i want to be heard and actually listened to for once. i want someone to ask what i want. to actually give a shit #and love me cos it's me. not cos im some thing to further an agenda. or some toy or puppet that does your bidding. #is it so much??? to just want to be loved in return? to marry and live according to how i want to?? ans not want anyone to make these #decision's for me? #ruined my whole day.

[mblue-art]

It's me again, anon, who adores your love-hate towards Cross. Friend recently showed me a video in tiktok where there was a sound of 'oh I hate that man...but oh, cara mia...how i love him'. It immediately reminded me of you. Tsunderes keep winning. Let's go tsunderes ✊️

hhhh h hhhi anon i do, i do ha-

#ask #mblue talks #mblue art #self insert #.. dammit #HSHFBXNZN #('oh i love tsunderes' — *becomes one* — *surprised pikachu meme*) #(each day i get a cross simp thought i ask myself WHY am i a tsundere for this man istg smfh 😤😤😤‼️/lh) #(everytime i get a cross brainrot it hits hard and it burns (just like the blush on my cheeks HSHFHCBDN/J) for how goddamn long it lasts) #(once again i wanna be mean to him and lovingly bully him but also he deserves the niceys!!!) #(tired man tired boy needs to RELAX‼️ like sheesh ur shoulders look stiff dude im patting those tf down; ease up my man) #(gonna do that thing where i plat my palm onto his forehead bc of how much hes furrowing his brows!!) #(thatll probably surprise him and unfurrow those for a few secs LOL) #(give him a lazy day; let him roll around in bed with the fluffiest pillows and the softest blankets and watch anime and drink choccy malk) #(ok that just sounds like i wanna pamper him HSHHRFNKDSK BUT STILL i want him to be happy HAVE YOU SEEN HIM SMILE GENUINELY????) #(like in fanart nstuff LIKE WHY DOES HE LOOK LIKE THAT /POS) #(hes got that anime boy charm somehow istg) #anyway ramble over im sorry hello tag readers did you enjoy me simping 😎 (imagine my hands folded on the table) #m rambles #CM

[theflyingfeeling]

HUH???

this is getting ridiculous can’t they be apart for more than two days?????? 😭😭💞

dude wtf?!?!? 😵 the way my heart jumped, jesus christ Aleksi what are you in Oulu for AGAIN, for the manyeth time since the end of the tour?! this is indeed getting a bit ridiculous and I can't handle it 🤧

#why is he like thiiiiiiisssssssss #i'm absolutely spending the rest of the evening imagining olli/allu fucking in aleksi's hotel room if that's where aleksi's staying again #come oooooooon aleksi whatever you're in oulu for could it REALLY not have been done in helsinki? you just HAD TO go back to oulu? AGAIN?! #for real it's getting really hard for me to NOT imagine they're secretly fucking each other dgdkjgjsgjd #is aleksi ever at home these days #sorry for these tags lol i know i'm just repeating myself but i am losing it as we speak #siiiiiiiiigh #answered asks #sparfloxacin #ollixallu #edit. so many typos and brainfarts lol i swear i'm not drunk i'm just tired and recovering from a killer headache

[lovsome]

am i so hard to care about?

#i need to vent and i know u guys cant stand me because i can feel it (and certainly from the anon hate) but i think im gonna have an ulcer #if i dont put this out somewhere #SH s*icide tw !!!!! #i need some advice or opinions because i feel like im losing it #i dont understand why my friends cant care about me #i know !!! i know i seem out of touch and insane because i say this so often and the question to someone reading would come natural: maybe #it is just ur perception…. maybe u suck ass as a friend too #and i do ponder about that!!!!!! i take those possibilities into consideration i do. and i genuinely dont think i suck as a friend. i always #check in. if they seem off i ask how they feel. i ask updates on their stuff. i dont think i deserve this tbh #but especially when i am struggling they just disappear #like even when i reach out and let them know im doing bad. they clearly read my measages and choose to ignore them #these are supposed to be my best friends #these days ive been so bad. and trigger warning again #i just feel so suicidal and i have been hurting myself in the desperate attempt to cope and manage these thoughts #and i dont tell them these things #i dont share the details because 1) it is too much to dump on someone and 2) they dont show any interest even on the surface level of my #problems so i just wouldnt tell them the deeper issues #i am just in so much pain. and i also feel a lot of anger because of their behavior. i feel so so hurt by it. so many years of this going on #of them just not even acknowledging my struggles while i was in the midst of them and trying still to support them and be there for e #whatever they had going on. and getting nothing in return #i hate that i feel so angry but i do. and ive been swallowing this anger and pain for so long i feel it eating my insides #even my therapist doesnt understand why i am friends with people that dont care about me #i dont know what i should do #i want to say something #actually i already talked about this to one of them one year ago exactly and i told her all these things and she just said she didnt know #why i was ignored. and then still kept being a part of it #the thing is i am so upset and my mental health is so so so bad. i am supposed to spend new years eve with them in two days but i dont know #how i can do that feeling like this #but if i speak to them about it i think it will also ruin the mood #if someone has any thoughts or advice it would be very welcome….

[count-doodoo]

idk if this is a hot take or not but i would literally rather everyone just throw all their insults and criticisms of me at my face. like i'd rather just know. a) so i can fix the problems and b) because the not knowing drives me bonkers (what if everyone hates me, a social anxiety story. but seriously what if everyone hates me tho--). getting notes like "sorry to bother you but this thing you've been doing has been really annoying for awhile" is legit The Worst because we could've fixed that!!! i would've tried to do better if i'd known!!! i don't ever claim to be a good person, let alone a perfect person, but i do /try/ to be better!!! (but then again no one would be /wrong/ to assume that me attempting things scarcely results in success so like)

#honestly lbr the real reason i have social anxiety is simply because i myself am a fucking bitch #and thought crime doesn't exist bc what you don't know can't hurt you. that said if i knew anyone thought about me the things i've thought #about others. i think i would implode like some sort of dying supernova or something and burst into flames and vaporize out of shame and #probably an unhealthy dose of anger or whatever. #and it's not like i'm gonna assume everything has the same kind of brain as me. i know we're all different. but i also can't quantify how #because my brain is the only one i've ever had. it's the only one i've ever really known. my head is the only one i've ever been in. #why am i being so real on the dooku stan blog recently #fuck i need to go back to poop and fish jokes gdi #doodoo.txt #**again not fishing for compliments here just need to vent my brain's toxic fumes. actually i'm fishing for insults. degradation kink??? #the entire world is probably just like i am once again asking you to go to therapy #jokes on you that's where the trauma's fro-- ok no shutting up now

[moshieee]

Is mosh-mosh going ti stay around on the blog?

Oh yea definitely

I've been having a lot of fun drawing mosh-mosh in no small part because what they represent for me

It's a bit uhhh, personal and is mostly relevant to my mutuals and other friends I made...

so I'll put it in the tags Incase you don't want to read

#asks #mosh-mosh #self sona #clown sona #jester propaganda #art #my art #ok so you're reading the tags now let me figure out to format this #in shirt mosh mosh is based off how i used to feel #if you look back at some of my really old art like when i first became a part of the yadc fandom #youll notice yhat i draw myself and short chibi crying and anxious a lot its already been established that i draw my hight depending on how #confident i feel so you can imagine the mental state i was in... what changed? i made friends i moved out of a toxic household a lot change #but mainly the friends part i met you guys and i started having fun with art again not just as an escape... mosh mosh represents how i was #while moshi is how i am now... i can look back at how far ive come and instead if feel embarrassed i can accept it thats why mosh mosh look #so similar we're technically ghe same person just at different stages... and i dont know how i would have made it this far without you all #thank you rabid día bunsowo for being my friends and all the other amazing artists ive met along the way this has been an amazing experienc #so far and i cant wait to see how far we all grow #moshie Os