#and I’m willing to work for it

[lauryn-order]

#ya bitch is desperate #like desperate doesn’t even begin to cover it #and I’m willing to work for it #so I’m open to any and all ideas #I just need help #because I’m in crisis mode #mine

[transmascissues]

today, my coworkers’ refusal to see me as a man put one of our patients in a position where they felt unsafe for the third time. i’ve been at this job for less than two months total. i don’t even care about getting misgendered anymore, i just want the people we’re supposed to be taking care of to feel comfortable around me.

i work at a hospital where we have to supervise our patients in a lot of vulnerable situations. there are safeguarding rules in place for certain things that male employees aren’t allowed to be present for when it comes to female patients. and yet, the people training me and telling me what to do have repeatedly put me in situations where i’ve been forced to do things that the female patients aren’t comfortable with me doing. and because they have repeatedly failed to teach me the rules for doing my job as a man, i have no way of knowing when i’m crossing one of those lines unless one of the patients tells me.

i’ve had to watch a victim of SA stare at me in abject terror as my coworkers asked her to strip naked with me still in the room. it took several minutes for her to even be able to speak enough to ask if i could leave the room. i found out after that she broke down crying the moment i walked out. my biggest regret is that i didn’t realize what was happening fast enough to leave before she ever had to say something, because she shouldn’t have had to say it. i never should’ve been allowed in the room in the first place, because that’s not something male employees are supposed to be present for. but i didn’t know that yet, because i was training and i thought surely, they wouldn’t train me to do something that directly violated their own safeguarding rules. that moment was the first time, and it’s haunted me ever since, but it wasn’t the last time. not only did it happen for the third time today — it almost happened for the fourth, and would have if someone hadn’t spoken up to say they should pick someone else. i care for these people so deeply, it’s why i took this job, and i’m so tired of hearing the fear in their voices when they have to ask me not to do something i never should’ve been told to do.

i’m very used to the personal discomfort of being misgendered. i willingly deal with it a lot at work as well as in other situations, not because i’m in the closet (at this point in my medical transition that would be impossible), but because it’s such a frequent occurrence with my coworkers that we would never get anything done if i took the time to correct them every time. but to see it get to the point of causing such visceral discomfort in other people? people i’m supposed to be taking care of and keeping safe? that’s something else entirely, and i’m fucking exhausted.

and after all of that, some of them still look at me like i have two heads when they tell me what to do and i say “i can’t do that, only female employees can” because i’m learning now. clearly i’m already seen as a man by our patients, but my coworkers would still rather put them in an unsafe situation than just train me as a man.

#to be clear it’s four different things they’ve asked me to do that im not supposed to #as soon as i find out about one rule they ask me to violate a different one that i didn’t know about #i will never ever forget that girl’s face and i’ll never stop being angry for her #for all three of them but especially her #i hate my coworkers for a million different reasons #the patients are the only reason i didn’t quit this job after the first day #i just want to do right by them and sometimes it feels like i’m the only one working there who does #it kills me because the patients who know im trans have been so great about it too #most of them know nothing about trans people but they’re so willing to learn and so respectful and we’ve had such great conversations #they’re getting fucked over by someone else’s transphobia when they themselves don’t have a single transphobic bone in their bodies #i hate this place because i care about the people in it too much to stand by the way it treats them and it’s killing me #transandrophobia #transandromisia #transmisandry #virilmisia #virilphobia #anti transmasculinity #transmascphobia

[turtleblogatlast]

Love the thought of Leo just casually being well traveled to absurd degrees. Like one day they’re facing their new Big Bad of the year and like, Draxum or whoever says that the key to their fight is located somewhere in, like, Latvia or some place, but no one knows where to start.

Then Leo’s like “oh I know a place” and when asked how the heck he could know of one it smash cuts to Leo falling through the ceiling of said place due to a portal mishap.

Also love the idea of Leo, being as accidentally (and then later, purposefully) well traveled as he is, sometimes taking his family on outings to different places all over, maybe to some new Yokai spots he found along the way.

In these places, Leo 100% lets his bros get scammed by tourist traps.

#rottmnt #rise of the teenage mutant ninja turtles #rottmnt leo #rise leo #rottmnt headcanons #bro was so excited about buying stuff that he didn’t realize it was a scam until too late #so now he’s super sus of all that BUT super willing to laugh at his fam for making the same mistake #anyway yeah I love Leo being well traveled because it honestly makes sense? why NOT use your teleportation to travel if you can do it fast #all his portal mishaps in the series as well as that time he accidentally went to Paris (+ once a diff dimension?) live in my head rent free #Leo destroying the stall of some random family’s restaurant in Paraguay and having to work it off the rest of the summer #he’s just like ‘hey guys I’m heading out’ but doesn’t mention it’s for a part time job in a different country #he only knows like English and Spanish BUT he’s picked up on a lot of other languages too due to his misadventures #tho he mostly knows a whole lot of various swear words #leo about to tease donnie for getting banned from witch town only to remember HE’S banned from a place in Turkey: 😬 #he keeps trying to find where he accidentally put his brothers in Tahiti but he can’t find it and he’s so salty about it lol

[swisseffingcheese]

A little message from Neath amidst all the chaos 🫶🏼

#Liv posts things #rooster teeth #neath oum #rwby #I don’t know why but this made me feel a little more at ease #knowing he’s still willing to work on things and move forward with the project #I’m not crying you are

[atopvisenyashill]

i was thinking more about characters Performing Gender, but not necessarily Transgressing Gender. I wound up focusing on Ned and Sansa bc I feel like I understand them the most but-

Sansa as a hostage is imo the most obvious (bc it’s so well done) moment of someone clearly Performing Gender but not being transgressive in that performance. Which isn’t to say it’s not a complicated performance; it’s a fine line Sansa walks between weaponizing her gender to protect herself without seeming too fake. She’s trying to placate the Lannisters by playing the perfect, dedicated, air headed betrothed because it’s the only defense she has - if she outwardly rebels, she will be punished in a likely violent and/or sexual way (which isn’t even conjecture - when she says “or maybe he’ll give me yours” Joffrey has her struck with an armored hand). She’s not quite successful in being convincing but that’s because it’s a rather extreme situation; despite no one believing her, she does make herself seem meek and stupid enough that no one suspects she’s plotting to escape with Dontos until she’s well away from KL. The fact that she even has Dontos to confide in is because of Sansa’s relationship with gender! When she saves him, she covers her rebellious slip by playing up Joffrey’s intelligence & his role as King; she reaches for “tools” of her gender AND of ~proper manhood~ to save a life and herself from another beating. Her retreats into the godswood and silence are very much Sansa attempting to recharge from these draining interactions, the same way a knight would need to stop and eat and rest after a fight. She is fighting, constantly, by forcing herself to stay within the narrow confines of a specific type of gender performance as a way of shielding herself from harm.

Ned yelling at Cat is another big one, and I’ve seen the scene referred to as Ned using his patriarchal power to scare Cat, which is a great description. It feels like a Performance because Ned is putting on this terrifying Lord Stark mask in an attempt to get Catelyn to stop asking about Jon (and Lyanna). This is not how he usually acts with those he loves! When Ned is with His People, he is welcoming of questions, curiosity, emotion, even transgressive thought (to a point! the idea that Ned is a feminist because he lets Arya learn to fight is Not accurate but you can’t deny he allows significantly more flexibility wrt gender expression than most of the fathers we meet in this series. the bar is in hell tho). Yet when Cat asks him about Jon’s mother, Ned scares her so well she stops asking & still remembers the moment bitterly over a decade later. And if that snippet we see through Bran’s eyes of Ned praying that Cat will forgive him does come after she asks (like it’s suspected), it’s clear not only that this is a performance he’s putting on & weaponizing against Cat, it’s one he does not like using as a weapon against someone he is close to. After using the power his gender gives him to cause harm, he retreats to the godswood and silence to pray and rest, much like Sansa. A spiritual cleanse, the way a soldier may pray after battle, to reset and reconnect Being A Proper Man to Being A Kind Man.

I think there’s something interesting in that two of the characters most widely defined by how well they adhere to Westerosi gender norms both dislike feeling like they had to weaponize their gender. They are exhausted by the performance, because it’s a performance. This isn’t Sansa getting excited over tourneys, or Ned teaching his sons to fight; it’s toxic masculinity, it’s structural misogyny. It’s something they’re good at, excel at, and connected to something they enjoy but when it’s paired with violence, whether done by Ned or done to Sansa, it crosses over in their minds from an innate part of themselves (The Gender) to a performance necessary due to survival (The Gender Role). And that after these performances, both retreat to nature & god as a way of resting and cleansing from the experience.

#valyrianscrolls #ned stark #sansa stark #getting on my soap box #there’s something here too about romanticism. like shelley and coleridge and whitman. the need to return to nature to undo society’s harm. #especially with the way various romance movements and romantic tropes are played with by their characters. #i can’t even remember who said it which just shows u how shitty an english major i am aksjd but about how. #like society is necessary but just as necessary is the ability to escape into nature. i *think* it was coleridge i’m probably wrong. #the gender war makes corpses of us all #gender politics in asoiaf #obviously you can point to several moments for both of them. sansa calling petyr father. ned’s relationship with theon. wherein they both #are clearly performing something for an audience. #there’s like 12 other branches of this in my head. jaime’s romanticism. being knighted bloody & the sacrilegious nature of the sept sex. #and his inability to escape his gender performance the way ned & sansa do. ned being willing to cry in front of others but robb only ever #crying in the dark with his baby brother after he loses ned. cat’s tower stuff & finding solace in sewing. #i’m gonna try to write up something about loras & renly here too. tomorrow. #also i wrote this at the train station after work so if there’s errors or it makes no sense just pretend u never saw it skskdj

[plz-kill-meeeeeee]

You ever… stalk people on tumblr who are in your (small) fandom but they actually have friends and you wish they were friends with you but you can’t bring yourself to start up a convo and risk looking like a weirdo so you just scroll through their blog and rb stuff

#malevolent #I want friends but I’m not willing to work for them #camp here and there #the magnus archives #the penumbra podcast

[disfrutalaisla]

I feel like we brushed right over cucurucho saying that ANOTHER person was going to be sent to replace Forever in his nether mission since he’s gone missing

#qsmp #but also almost everyone was there today #so surely none of them can be manipulated into doing it #oh god wait tubbo absolutely could I think oh no #he missed the event AND is willing to work with the federation to get the eggs back #um besties #I’m scared

[autrizzms]

so. i am really thinking abt the shapeshifter storyline. and how each of the party members have at least 2-3 duplicates that are extremely similar to their real counterparts, whereas everyone sorts out laios’ fakes immediately. his shapeshifters are obvious, being based solely on his size, supposed shallowness, or youth. it just made me especially think a lot about the “what if” chapter where everyone gives up on the quest if laios and falin’s positions were switched.

the point of the chapter is that laios picks up on the subtleties of his party, even if they think he isn’t capable of doing this. in contrast, his party sees only shallow versions of him, and their contempt of his shortcomings are palpable throughout the issue, in doubting his ability to determine the real versions of them. i think it gives more insight into the issue of laios not fully connecting with his party, especially with this chapter coming on the heels of his conflict with toshiro.

#dungeon meshi #dunmeshi #laios touden #falin touden #i’m gonna throw up #saw an analysis recently of chilchuck + laios’ working relationship recently that i really liked #abt how chilchuck appreciates and respects laios bc he gives him space to work and doesn’t push his personal boundaries #whereas the other party members push him to talk abt his personal life #and actively get in the way of his (frankly dangerous) work #like the friendships and care between the members are there #but the difference of caring for someone and liking them vs being willing to traverse a dungeon and fight a dark mage for them…… #kill me #marcille donato #senshi #chilchuck #chilchuk tims #ryoko kui

[luckthebard]

It is tbh wild to see a corner of the twitter crowd trying to position Liliana as a person from a “powerless background” who is supposed to be framed as deserving endless sympathy and forgiveness for “being frustrating” as if she’s supposed to be the working class/marginalized insert (often spoken in the same breath as calling Orym “privileged” and a person who doesn’t know hardship)…

when on the other hand the narrative happening in the scenes themselves is, to me, a horrifying and nauseating replica of when USian christian nationalist/fascist types smile politely at you while calmly insisting that the pain and suffering of you and people like you is necessary and good.

#non reblogable because I’m not wanting to get into this but like #have the people insisting Liliana is a relatable working class hero MISSED how chilling her cult rhetoric is #like maybe some of the audience isn’t willing to forgive her #because the scenes have the vibe of trying to deradicalize your aunt who went full QAnon #anyway #cr spoilers #luck’s personal opinions

[sofiaruelle]

MAKE A BUNCH OF FAUX BAND POSTERS!!! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE I WOULD GIVE YOU ALL OF MY MONEY

Alrighty….here’s a 3 more thumbnails hahhahah

and i’m just gonna slide my ko-fi~ https://ko-fi.com/sofiaruelle

(you arent obligated to obviously!!!!! BUT….if anyone would like to *wink wonk*. it will definitely help me expidite the process hahhahaha)

#doodle #stardew valley #my audacity knows no bounds #is this allowed hahhaha #like i do want to figure out how to monetize my art beyond commissions #but also i’m shy #but also now i’m kind of unemployed a lil goes a long way #YALL ARENT OBLIGATED TO ESPECIALLY IN THIS ECONOMY #and this is just me trying to gague if people are actually willing to pay for somekind of pre release art membership thingy #idk how do paid subscriptions work in the art space #send help #lmao i forgot to tag charas #stardew abigail #stardew sebastian #stardew sam

[gloryfore]

Something I love is that no matter what I go through, I never end up hating myself.

I love who I am and I don’t mean that in a “I’m the best” way, I mean I love my flaws, I love my personality, I love how in some things I know a lot and in others I know absolutely nothing.

I love my ability to make others and myself laugh without trying, I love how I always look for the best in people even when they show me why I shouldn’t. I love that I’m ditsy as fuck and I make mistakes, I love being naive, silly, clingy and full of a dumbass attitude I can’t control.

I just love that no matter what, I can always wholeheartedly accept that I am a flawed human but I love myself nonetheless.

#that is not me saying that I am not willing to work on myself #I love working on myself and being the best version of myself #but my best version of myself is not perfect #I am flawed and I always will be #ramblings #It took many many years to not hate myself and I’m proud

[a-small-writer-in-a-big-world]

Hey I’m going to be so honest with all the threats of AI and now people trying to steal fics to put into apps and all that stuff I might genuinely delete all of my works and only share them with safe and trusted people. I’m going to think about this decision but I don’t trust that anyone who does this and this lore app or whatever will actually listen to the opt-out.

When I come to a decision I will make a post about it, but this app might be the breaking point for me and many others.

My fics will not be used for AI. They will not be used to gain profit for someone else.

Thanks

#important updates #I’m willing to delete all of my work #because of ai #ai is a fucking disease #ai is theft

[whitmore]

listen this may be a hot take that’s okay i’m fine with that i just feel that the @everyone main tag fandom vagueposts about sending admins hate and/or targeting ccs is . abyssal nonsense to post to tumblr. like you’re not wrong im not disagreeing with any of you— it just feels fruitless to post that on a website where none of us have direct contact with any admins or creators. if you see it in the main or side tags feel free to call it out, i think we should be doing that, but like the aimless vagueposting is not only reductive but directly adding to the negativity you’re trying to combat

#eleanor.txt #qsmp #i feel bad for even putting this in main tag but it’s like. at the same time i do want the tag to be a nice space #correct me if i’m wrong and there’s admins that are being targeted here but like. idk post ur post on twitter maybe #and this isn’t me trying to excuse qsmpblr we have issues of our own just. those aren’t our issues i don’t think #plus maybe my blocklist just works real well but i personally don’t see any excessive hate or negativity or anything #willing to be wrong on this one maybe we really need the callout or something idk. did we do something #this isn’t even discourse this is just blogging and it also feels like nobody knows the difference here. THATS one of our real issues

[wavesoutbeingtossed]

I know it’s been talked about ad nauseam, but I think one of the things that got lost in the discourse about TTPD and the muses and whatnot is how one of, if not the core trigger points of the album is the yearning for commitment and perhaps even more poignantly, motherhood.

The reason she was so susceptible to falling for the “conman’s get love quick schemes” is because she was grieving that imagined life with the person she had long assumed would be the one to give her that. What has been beyond clear in several albums, let alone interviews etc, is that those plans for building a family were very much real and top of mind for years, and she kept holding on and shifting her world in service of making that happen. And when whatever happened happened that pulled that rug out from under her, it left her bereft not just for the relationship that had once been her world but also the imagined family she had been hoping for and sticking out the hard times for.

And that’s likely why she was swayed by and trusting of the promises of someone who knew her history and knew how unmooring that loss was to her. It may have been partially about the person himself or lust or whatever, but the core issue was the pain of giving up the dream, and sublimating that dream into this new opportunity in front of her, because she was so desperate to hold onto the last scraps of that imagined life she wanted so badly. (And I don’t mean desperate as in pathetic or negative, I mean as in fighting within the last ounce of energy and hope she had.) It wasn’t rational and it wasn’t love, it was grief, not just for a relationship but even more so for the family it represented.

So to me the core issue of TTPD isn’t just the Joe vs. Matty or whoever of it all: it’s Taylor and her yearning. She wanted a family badly and a life that was theirs and was processing losing that in all kinds of ways. It’s all over the album in overt and subtle lyrics. It may not have been grieving a literal death but I’d bet it felt pretty darn close.

And I’d also bet that’s why we’re seeing… what we’re seeing now.

(I have so many more thoughts about womanhood and motherhood on TTPD but that is another post being worked on piecemeal in my drafts… this is just a little Saturday morning post-zoomies reflection)

#I’m trying to be delicate about all this on main #if you catch my drift #obviously I don’t know any of these people #I’m just using my ears with the music and my eyeballs on the screen #honestly think she’d almost gotten to the point where she would have given up almost anything #(including marriage) #if it meant having kids and a commitment #let alone all the career stuff she was willing to let slide #but in the end none of that mattered #writing letters addressed to the fire #the tortured poets department #and like.. #this is also why she was so clear minded about what she wanted in a partner when she started dating killa #and not as in opportunist but as in she knew what she wouldn’t compromise on anymore #and luckily for her he was on the same page #and tbh why this isn’t all that fast #ugh I wish my brain would let me finish the other post I was working on #like I know we’ve kind of been dancing around this in recent years in discussion #even if we all had our own assumptions #but she kind of ripped the bandaid off in ttpd #and with ~everything~ now happening #I think it’s ok to talk about? respectfully? lol

[twinstxrs]

there’s probably something deeply wrong with me because every time i see someone react to the pok gukgak interrogation scene it’s like “oh no oh my god is riz’s dad a bad guy?” when the first time i saw that scene my only thought was “oh my god is riz’s dad HOT??”

#i mean admittedly my instinct was that he was lying about what he was saying & he was a good guy (which i was right about) but #it truly was like pok: i don’t give a shit about my wife & kid i only care about this job / me: pok gukgak save me… save me pok gukgak #fantasy high #dimension 20 #pok gukgak #riz gukgak #in my defense ​i really love spies so watching someone convincingly act indifferent about the most important part of their life… CRAZYYY #but i still feel like i’m setting back feminism so many years but also. he got acid splashed on his face & didn’t even flinch… that’s hot #guy who would literally go through hell & back bc it’s for the greater good but would also if he had to do it for the people he loves #but like. the greater good always came before the people he loves. that was the job. he loved them so much but he also missed so much #how much WAS he willing to sacrifice for the sake of the job? work is a great form of love but it can’t be the only form #especially for a young kid. but yea idk i have complicated feelings #pok gukgak u r so fascinating to me #pok sklonda riz ​& work as a form of love or whatever #truly would not work as a campaign & would be better as a book but young pok young kalina young sklonda… i need to know EVERYTHINGGG #the shameful thirst post -> character rumination journey of these tags is truly Something but also par for the course w/ my brain

[apaethy]

i feel like for a show that has so many different characters that speak wildly different languages, they use way too few hand gestures to communicate. this is why they should’ve had an italian on board.

#1899 #netflix 1899 #LIKE?? #there are sooo many phrases that are just completely incomprehensible #like french and polish characters talking to each other #THAT COULDVE WORKED WITH TWO HAND GESTURES #and it would be more believable #i loooove how they use such a variety of people in the cast and don’t let them just speak english #but it’s starting to be more than i’m willing to suspend my disbelief for #OR MAYBE IM REALLY JUST ITALIAN THAT NEEDS TO SPEAK THROUGH HANDS EVERY TIME #entry