#and her being permanently disabled from it all but still being able to live out a happy life is a good way to handle it I think

[fishing-lesbian-catgirl]

Watched the gundam ending, it’s good 👍

#gundam #the witch from mercury #adding this for the tag that will come after #the witch from mercury spoilers #i just wish they showed part of the wedding #i love that Suletta got scars on her face from the permet gundam stuff though #and her being permanently disabled from it all but still being able to live out a happy life is a good way to handle it I think #like how often do we ever see disabled characters get to be happy despite their disabilities in media #it also ties really well with the whole gund-arm medical tech thing #overall very satisfying for me personally even if the climactic events felt a little cluttered and confusing to me

[disillusioneddanny]

Crackling Flames and Humming Electricity

Prompt courtesy of @stealingyourbones Jason gets his neck sliced by Bruce’s batarang. It irreversibly damaged his vocal cords.

Pros: He can still use ghost speak

Cons: None of his family knows ghost speak (as it’s sounds aren’t for living men to understand)

It had been an accident when it happened. That’s what Bruce had said anyway. He had been so focused on saving Joker from being killed by Red Hood that he hadn’t even realized what he had done to his son . That he had permanently disabled Jason in a way that could never be repaired.

The slice to his throat had destroyed his vocal chords. He hadn’t been able to say a single word in over a year now. After a year of vocal therapy, Jason had learned how to do these strange chirps and growls, these weird noises that didn’t seem to come from his throat at all but moreso his very being let out the noises. The only problem was that no one understood what he was saying.

Cass had been a blessing and had taken the time to teach Jason how to successfully sign. She had taken it on as her mission as the only other person in the family who was mute to make sure that Jason could effectively communicate.

He hadn’t been back at the manor since the accident, hadn’t been around Bruce since it happened. But each of his siblings had come to check on him, they checked in on him every so often and they had even managed to develop their own way of understanding the strange rumblings that came from Jason’s body that were now his only form of vocal communication.

A chirp meant that he was happy.

Two chirps was a yes.

A short growl was no.

A long snarling growl? He was pissed and you better leave him the fuck alone.

It wasn’t the best, but it worked when they spoke with him on comms. They couldn’t understand any of the other noises that came from Jason, the wails, the crackling of fire that somehow espaped him sometimes. A sound that could only be described as the sound of smoke itself slipping through the air. They were sounds that didn’t have names, there were no true words to describe the noises that would come from Jason at times.

His family tried. Oh his siblings desperately tried to understand this new way of communication with their brother but none of it was effective. No one truly understood him anymore. Not even Cass could always understand what Jason was trying to explain in his broken sounds and strange chirps.

That had all changed one fateful day, though.

Jason had gone to pick up a coffee from the only functioning shop in Crime Alley. It had just opened a few weeks before and he had been meaning to try it out. Wanted to see the brave bastard willing to open up such a pretty coffee and tea shop in the middle of Crime Alley of places. Something had been tugging at Jason’s gut about the place, almost as though it was calling Jason here, like he needed to be at the coffe shop.

Seriously, though, as he inspected the layout, it looked like the kinda place to be opened in one of the fancier neighborhoods in Gotham, not Red Hood’s home.

Red Hood had managed to keep his operations running even after the accident. If anything, it had made his people even more loyal to him. Those closest even taking the time to learn sign language just so that they could communicate and translate. They had all seen the way he had tried to take down Joker, only for the fucking Batman attempt to murder him just to save the very man who tormented the people of Gotham. Of course, the people of Crime Alley were more commonly his victims, less likely to be noticed if they were murdered, less likely to be taken seriously.

So it had come as a personal offense to all of them when Red Hood had been nearly killed. They had all respected Red Hood even more after it had happened, realizing that not only had he gone against the bat, but he had done it and lived out of pure spite.

Jason slipped through the door of the shop, Phantom’s Oasis it was called and looked around. Dark black metal chairs and tables lined the walls, Boston ivy grew along the charcoal grey walls. Any parts that were not covered by ivy were covered by bookshelves overfilled with books. And while tables and chairs lined the walls, comfy, overstuffed chairs filled the corners with small coffee tables, the middle of the area sat large velvet green couches. It was like it was the perfect oasis for Jason.

He made it up to the back counter where a single employee stood cleaning the counter. He was young, probably just a year or two younger that Jason. He was tall and lanky with deep black hair pulled back in a pony tail, showing off the shaved sides of his head. Cosmic themed earrings hung from his lobes and cartilage and when the man glanced up, Jason was also surprised to find a ring on either nostril in the man’s nose along with a septum piercing. For all that his looks screamed edgy, though, he exuded nothing but safety and warmth. Something in Jason’s very being ached to be close to the man.

Unable to stop himself he released a soft sound, the sound of walls breaking under strong flames. The man’s head shot up and he smiled at Jason before releasing a sound of his own.

It was the sound of the stirrings of a storm. Hello, it said. How are you?

“You know what I’m saying?” Jason asked, only the words came out in the sound of a roaring flame, those of a bonfire finally growing higher and higher. He signed the words as well causing the barista to grin in response.

“Of course I do, we’re the same,” he explained through sounds of a building creaking against harsh winds.

A childlike peel rang from Jason’s mouth unable to stop himself. It was the laughter of a child who thought Robin was magic. The laughter of someone who had finally found someone who understood him.

“How?” Jason asked, tilting his head to the side, his heart racing.

The barista smiled and a single black painted finger nail beckoned him closer.

In English the man whispered in Jason’s ear once he approached. “Because just like you, I died wrong and came back wrong,” he murmured before he pulled away and took in Jason’s form. “It’s why you were drawn here.”

Smoke crackled in the air showing Jason’s curiosity, his confusion.

The barista smiled. “You don’t know what you are, do you?” after a shake of Jason’s head the man smiled. “Jason Todd, you are an extraordinary being that is both of life and death. A being that has lost more than he ever gained but continued on stubbornly, refusing to back down. You were called to Phantom’s Oasis because your core heard my ghost speak and like calls to like.”

Ghost speak? Is that what the sounds that escaped Jason were? A language of those who had died and come back wrong? Or didn’t come back at all judging by the name. The sound of fire crackling filled the empty coffee shop.

“I’m Danny, by the way. Now, what would you like to drink? I can make it real quick, close up shop and we can talk.”

The crackling of a sparkler escaped Jason’s being causing Danny’s noseto wrinkle in amusement. “You’ve got yoursel a fire core, huh?”

Pops and crackles slipped from Jason, showing his curiosity.

“Order first, then I’ll answer your questions,” Danny said in the form of the sounds of electricity crackling through the air.

Jason frowned and started to sign his order only for Danny to push his hands down. “Use your words,” he said quietly. “I’ll understand.” The sounds that came from Danny were reminiscent of an old generator turning on for the first time in years, the electricity hummed the words out for Jason to understand.

Rustling and crinkling of a fire’s flames going out sounded throughout the room. “Vanilla late with sweet cream,” it said to Danny.

The hum of white noise came through in response, telling him that Danny understood as he got to work. He waved a hand causing Jason to look back as the door to the shop locked itself.

“I’m a halfa,” Danny told him through the sizzling of lightning that had just hit the earth. “You are what feels like a revenant. Someone who died a brutal death and came back to seek revenge. You have someone we ectoplasmic entities call a core.”

Jason listened as Danny spoke in sounds of crackling electricity and quiet hums of white noise as he explained ghost cores to Jason. Ghost cores were their very being, they were created in result of the person’s death. In their examples, Danny had died by electocution, it was why his ghost speak sounded like electricity coursing in the air and lighting crackling angrily and wildly. He didn’t need Jason to confirm before he had said that the revenant had died in a fire of some sort. He explained that all ghosts had the basic chirps and growls for ghost speak but that the rest was specific to their cores as they were all different.

It wasn’t Jason making the noises that came out of him but his very core himself. For the first time in a year, though, Jason was finally able to speak to someone without sign, to use his words to explain what happened to him, the pain he had gone through when realizing that his father would rather kill him than let him get revenge. He had finally found someone who understood the ache of not being able to exact revenge on the person who had killed him.

For the first time in Jason’s life, he had finally found someone who understood. Danny had sat there drinking his own London Fog as he listened to Jason’s tell. Responding in chirps, whistles and a gentle hum of running appliances. He gave insight and advice, had even given Jason his number explaining that yes, they could use ghost speak over the phone as well.

He had never felt so seen in all of his life.

Maybe that explained why he kept coming back to the coffee shop. Every day he would come, order his coffee, using a language that just he and Danny knew and curled up on a couch and read for hours, feeling at peace in a way he hadn’t experienced since he had died.

Maybe it explained why he went out on a limb and asked Danny on a date, demanding that the halfa come over to his place for dinner.

Of course, Danny had only agreed if Jason promised to make the halfa’s favorite. The night had quickly ended with their cores singing for one another as their legs tangled together under the safety of Jason’s blankets.

Rustling and crackling of a candle flame sounded through the room as electricity hummed along with it, creating a symphony of white noise that Jason loved more than anything in the world. The noises provided a sense of comfort and safety unlike anything he had ever experienced. He wanted to drown in the sounds, drown in the sounds of Danny’s crackling electricity that whispered promises of happiness and safety. Just as the whispering flames of Jason’s core told Danny stories of love and promises of companionship, holding him close, wrapping around him in a warm comforting blanket.

The air crackled around Jason as he stood in the kitchen quietly making breakfast, revelling in the feeling of Danny surrounding him from all sides.

His fire chirped at the halfa in curiosity. One or two it asked him.

Two, electricity said with a charged hum, thin arms snaked around Jason’s waist.

“I think you’re going to have to invite me over more often,” lightning crackled, a crash exploding from Danny in a way that made Jason shiver in delight.

“I don’t think I’ll ever be able to let you leave,” fire roared, flames licking high in the air, causing wood to shatter and break under the heat. Danny just chuckled and kissed the side of his neck softly.

Electricity flowed from Danny along with a series of chirps, whistles and growls, telling Jason he had no problem with staying by Jason’s side.

#dead on main #dead on main ship #dis writes #dp x dc #dc x dp crossover #dc x dp

[themoonsbeloved]

I still need help

Its now the 8th of January and despite being told by my friend who spoke with her boss 3 weeks ago during their meeting that he was to hire me in the beginning of January and would reach out to me, he hasn't. I'm hoping somehow, eventually, when this man finally bothers to, he will contact me for a job offer since he reassured me back in november that he still intends to hire me. But since I have no idea when that will be, that means I'm left hanging completely.

long story short I am mentally ill and disabled who was dismissed from my last and only job that I struggled 2 years to get, only to be fired in 2 months in June because of my chronic fatigue and abusive managers. I rely a lot on my henna but bookings are not consistent enough to make regular income, and majority of the money ends up going to contributing to house bills for my family.

My therapy picks up again this week, very honestly been the only thing keeping me from harming myself at this point with how painful life has been and I want to be able to continue getting it low cost (£25 per session), my therapist is so amazing and we recently came to the understanding that I have complex-PTSD, and plan to look into it more this year. I'm too mentally ill to try and look for jobs right now and am basically doing 3 jobs already (one being joint caring duties with family members for my grandparents since I live with them, which I'm not paid for obviously) with inconsistent money coming in/sessional work that I will be paid for once completed further into the year.

I have so many other costs that are coming in the near future, like paying for more medication, and for more lazer hair removal sessions for my severe hirsutism, which usually is around £300 if I'm lucky to catch offers. This is another I thing I mentally can't afford to stop doing, struggling with severe hirsutism and the trauma of it all my life means its important I can feel and live somewhat comfortably in my body. Lazer hair isn't permanent and I'm looking into electrolysis, but again, I don't have that money yet and would prefer to not leave a huge gap where I don't do lazer and the mental torture of watching my body hair grow back. I also haven't gotten my eyes checked in over 3 years, and know I will need a change in perscription and need new glasses. I hate nothing more than what its come to. I'm just exhausted and burnt out from the constant anxiety and depressive episodes, I'm barely eating or sleeping, I'm sick of everything and everyone and I just wish god would give me a break.

With all of the above in mind I'm aiming for about £600. This is all basically to help me just function and continue getting the things that help me not succumb to my mental health issues. If anything, my birthday's coming up in feb so I would appreciate it if folks gave some money if they have the means to. Anything is fine at this point.

Thank you so much

https://paypal.me/iffiia?country.x=GB&locale.x=en_GB

£0/£600

#help

[am-i-the-asshole-official]

WIBTA if I started doing sex work while still living with my mom?

Warning for sexual mentions(nothing heavily explicit though)

I (18F) can't get a typical job like working in customer service or physical labor because of a mix of reasons. I'm both physically and mentally disabled, for one. I have chronic pain & chronic fatigue so extensive physical labor or any job that requires being up for a long time is out of the question for me, as it would cause me a lot of pain and put me at risk for collapsing or falling asleep due to exhaustion. I also have heavy social anxiety and sensory issues, and despite being in therapy since I was around 11, this hasn't gone away. I still have problems with stuttering when talking to people I don't know, and feel on the verge of panic the entire time. I also can't handle loud noises well- I carry around a pair of headphones constantly but that does mess with my hearing so I couldn't really use those in a customer service focused environment. I'm a full time student as well, and will be for several more years, as I'm going straight into college out of high school. On top of all that, I can't drive yet, as the process was delayed due to concerns that my health issues would make me a hazard on the road, so I won't have my full license until late this year.

I've tried looking for other job types before, but nothing I've been able to find works. I've tried doing art, but it's not easy to get people to actually commission you- I've only gotten 1 so far and I've had commissions open for almost half a year. I've tried content creation but have yet to build a platform big enough to make money from it. I've looked for online focused jobs such as creating captions or proof-reading others work but realized very quickly I'm not equipped/qualified for that job due to my problems with processing audio correctly, and my problems reading and writing correctly first try- I often have to re-read things many times over and re-type things at least once to get it at all correct, as words and letters get mixed up in my brain sometimes or I just accidentally skip over entire words or even sentences. And even then I sometimes still get it wrong. So I'm a pretty slow worker with things like reading, and something that requires listening to something and then writing what was said took so long it wouldn't meet the time requirements a lot of places are looking for in workers for that (that I've seen).

So the only idea I have left for making money so I at least have something to help pay for college and to go towards me being able to move out someday is some sort of sex work. I'm not planning on doing anything super risky, like meeting up with real people or anything that would show my face. So I wouldn't be worried about this bothering my mom since she's not really sex negative or strictly against sex workers or anything if it wasn't for one thing. I'm not sure if this will work either. I have a lot of acne problems all over, and problems with picking at my skin that leave scratch marks in a lot of places. And I'm not sure anyone would be willing to pay to look at that. It's not something that bothers me on an individual level, it's just a part of me, but that doesn't really change what other people do or don't find attractive. So it just kind of feels disrespectful to be selling that kind of thing in my mothers house if it's not even going to be significant enough for it to matter financially. And, of course, there's always the risk my mom could see it, and I worry it would upset her to see her daughter selling that kind of thing. But I don't see other options left for how I could make enough money to not end up drowning in student loans down the line, or end up living with my mom for many years into adulthood- which wouldn't be fair to her since she's not financially well off either. I don't plan for it to be a permanent job, just something to help me through my college years till I can start working in the field for what I'm getting a degree in or until my issues get well enough I can work a more typical job.

WIBTA?

What are these acronyms?

#aita #am i the asshole

[saltwatersweets]

yknow, given the fact that it’s entirely possible wounds created by angelic weapons don’t fully heal (since vaggie’s eye never healed), and the fact that adam attacked alastor with an angelic weapon, and the fact i’ve seen a few fics in which alastor deals with chronic pain in his chest wound because of the injury, i’m surprised i’ve never seen anyone bring up an idea where adam’s axe landed just a foot or so above where it did in canon and ended up taking out alastor’s eyes, similar to how lute did with vaggie.

i’m not sure if i would be comfortable writing about this, given i am not physically disabled and i’m not sure if i could accurately portray blindness (especially with a character like alastor, who’s already so difficult to write), but i’d love to see this idea explored somehow. alastor is already someone who wants to be the most powerful (or at least in control) person in the room and so taking away his sight in a permanent way would definitely affect him badly. another reason i’m not sure i would want to write this out: the internalized ableism would be off the CHARTS. not to mention, a wound to the face isnt something he can hide like he could with a chest wound, so the other hotel inhabitants at least would see what happened as soon as they realised he was still alive after the extermination. he would not be happy about their endless concern one bit.

tl;dr: what if alastor was permanently blind after the extermination?

here are some ideas i have regarding this au (please let me know if any of them come off as insensitive):

alastor probably would try to use the recent lack of eyes to his advantage. after all, outside of one’s mouth, the eyes are typically the most expressive part about a person. even when he’s trying to conceal his emotions, you can tell what he’s feeling because of the expressions in his eyes. now, however, he’s even MORE difficult to read, which he likes to think gives him more control. the eyes are a window to the soul, they say? not anymore!

he looks rather similar to rosie now (based off how vaggie looked like when charlie first found her after she fell, with her eye socket just being dark and black)! once he’s accepted what happened to him, they’ll make an occasional joke about how now he looks more like a typical cannibal in hell, it just took him a century to catch up.

vaggie and him bond over losing one or more eyes because of adam (whether directly or indirectly). he hates the fact that he genuinely is more fond of her after this experience, because she never treats him like something about to break, for better or worse.

speaking of which, i feel the need to say that despite alastor likely viewing himself as weaker after the loss of his eyesight, he is not inherently weaker. it takes him a long time to know he is not ruined, he is just changed. doesn’t mean his musical mental breakdown in episode eight isn’t even worse than before now though. he hates that this has happened to him, that he has been permanently injured in this way, but he learns to live (or… exist? since he’s already dead) with it and accept his disability as a part of himself.

his staff (once repaired) and ears are incredibly helpful, especially since deer can hear extremely well. his shadow and microphone are also extensions of himself, so though he can’t see through them per se, they keep him from crashing into things when he’s in an unfamiliar area.

once mimzy gets over being “kicked out” of the hotel so to speak, they’ll still hang out and dance together! she doesn’t think of him as any lesser or any weaker after what happened, he’s still able to keep up with her on the dance floor even if it is a bit more difficult now.

the hotel inhabitants and some other people he regularly meets with will occasionally read his favourite books aloud to him (there were books in his room so i headcanon he likes to read in his free time). he never says it aloud, but he does genuinely appreciate this. he particularly enjoys it when niffty sits still long enough to read to him, especially if she’s reading out a cookbook and helping him make food. it is physically impossible for her to sound condescending to him.

on the other hand, charlie reading aloud is a mixed bag, because although she’ll always try to make it entraining for him (by being very animated in her voice acting), she’ll often interrupt herself to disavow the fictional violence. also, it is physically impossible for her to NOT sound condescending to him. he’s not a wayward sinner down on his luck for her to swoop in and save, after all! he doesn’t need her to try and “fix” him.

he has allowed angel to read to him a SINGULAR time, because while his voice acting is quite entertaining and he won’t complain about the violence (he has no room to talk, given the scripts he acts out), angel would rather die (again) than quit making sex jokes every two minutes. he could be reading a cookbook and sneak in a “that’s what she said” a good three times in a single page.

one of the first things charlie does upon seeing alastor is still alive after the extermination is ask lucifer to heal him, and lucifer has to tell her it’s not something that he can do. it’s actually something charlie initially responds with anger about, because at first she thinks he’s just refusing to heal alastor just because he doesn’t like him. it’s vaggie who steps in to calm her down, because she knows personally that angelic wounds can’t be fully healed. it’s been three years, she’s not expecting her eye back by now.

alternatively, it’s easy to imagine charlie still asking lucifer to TRY and heal him regardless, because maybe if they just try hard enough, they can do it! so lucifer tries. and it does not work. naturally, this only serves to make alastor more pissed off. he melts into his shadow and goes into his room, and doesn’t come back out until that night.

the next thing charlie does is spend no less than four hours looking up accommodations she can make to the hotel for someone with no sight. braille to all the rooms and other things that are labeled is among the first she gets lucifer to implement, as well as keeping nearly all of the floors loud tile instead of carpeted, so alastor can tell if someone else is in the room with him.

i swear i’m trying to think of something distinct for husk because his dynamic with alastor is so interesting to me, but i really can’t think of anything super specific. one thing that does stick out is that, like vaggie, he never regards alastor with pity, because he knows alastor better than most and knows he’s still extremely powerful. i’ve always thought alastor somewhat appreciates husk’s unflinching honesty (even though it’s a trait of his that undeniably pisses him off at times), and so he knows husk isn’t lying or acting when he still treats him the same way as before the extermination.

alastor will still make radio broadcasts, even if just for his own amusement. you don’t need to be able to see to be able to talk, after all! if anything, this experience only makes him hate television and modern day technology more. at least he revels in the knowledge that it is now impossible for vox to hypnotize him, if he ever dared to try.

he’ll make. so many eye puns. TOO MANY eye puns. you know that joke where people are like “we can’t ever let alastor know he’s asexual because if he does, the amount of ace jokes he’ll make will be through the roof”? yeah, it gets that bad.

i like the headcanon that alastor likes to draw on occasion (given the all but stated fact that he drew the hotel in the commercial in episode 1, as well as a few unnecessary but fun doodles outside of that), and he is initially saddened to realize that this is something he won’t be able to do anymore. however, niffty ALSO likes drawing, and she likes to rope him in to her drawings by force, giving him paper and crayons and always being completely honest if he ever asks what colour is in his hand. he’ll even occasionally let her move his hand to the right spot on his paper if he ever forgets where he drew the lines on his paper before. she likes to spend as long as she needs describing her drawings in vivid detail - she will talk to him about her gorey artwork, and no one will stop her!

#hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel au #hazbin alastor #hazbin hotel alastor #alastor the radio demon #hazbin hotel rosie #hazbin rosie #hazbin hotel vaggie #hazbin vaggie #hazbin niffty #hazbin hotel niffty #charlie morningstar #hazbin charlie #lucifer morningstar #hazbin lucifer #hazbin hotel angel dust #hazbin angel dust #hazbin hotel husk #hazbin husk #hazbin hotel mimzy #hazbin mimzy #blindness #cannibalism mention #i mean it IS alastor so #internalized ableism #my post

[lastoneout]

It really is wild to tell a doctor to their face that I have tried to "push myself" to regain my mobility and it put me on bedrest for like three fucking months only for them to be like "well have you tried pushing yourself to regain your mobility??" like bro going on a 15 minute slow-ass walk around my neighborhood once a day for a month took away what was left of my mobility for THREE months and my knee STILL hurts more now than it did before. Pushing myself lead to me permanently making my pain worse, not better.

I also wasn't kidding about the cooking thing, I broke down about not being able to cook because I love cooking so much and eating take out and boxed/frozen food all the time SUCKS so my fiancé helped me make just spaghetti one night, just sauce, cheese, and noodles, it took 45 minutes, I was wearing my knee brace, and I sat down as much as possible, and I was in so much pain by the end that I could barely stand. How do I "push myself" in this situation?? I can't even make a basic dinner for myself and my fiancé without having to give up doing anything else including showering and giving my cat her meds and shit like that for the entire rest of the day. How do I push from here??

Like I just genuinely don't know how you can hear all that and then say to my face that continually injuring myself in this way is going to yield positive results. Every time I have pushed I have limited my mobility further. My PT even TOLD me I shouldn't reach the point of being in actual pain while exercising, if I'm hurting really bad I need to stop so I don't injure myself. How does my PT know that when my fucking rhumatologist doesn't??? How does it not make sense for me even just stay mobile until I hit my limit and then use the wheelchair so hitting my limit doesn't mean "not being able to do anything for the next two days"?????

It's like they think I just started hurting and fucking gave up immediately. I was forced to quit my job THAT I LOVED SO MUCH because even when I hit the point where I could barely walk or sit without pain I didn't want to give it up, I kept pushing myself until my fiancé would have to practically carry my ass to the car at the end of my shifts, and it ended with me so disabled I still can't work. My fiancé legit has to constantly step in to stop me from pushing myself too far because I just want to do the things I want to do and I will hurt myself because of it!! I'm independent to a fault, I hate nothing more than admitting that I can't do something I want to do. Every shred of mobility I have sacrificed has been torn from my very unwilling hands, I haven't given up, I've had it taken from me. I never stopped trying to keep walking, keep working, keep cooking, keep going places, I had to stop because I had no other alternative. It was that or destroy my body. And tbh overall I still chose "destroy my body" more often than I should have.

But they still act like I'm giving up. Like it's me being lazy and stupid that got me here. Like if I was willing to just cope with the pain and not give up it would fix everything even though I already tried that.

I dont hate being disabled, I really don't, even though I've had to give up so much stuff. I grew up with a disabled mother, she's used a wheelchair my entire life and tbh I'm thankful because it seems to have spared me the all too familiar abled worldview that disability is something tragic and shameful and horrifying. It's just life, it's always just been my life, and becoming disabled was pretty easy to accept because I never saw it as a tragic fate to be avoided at all costs. This is the body I have, this is what it can and can't do, my life isn't over it's just different now, I'm allowed to mourn what I used to be able to do while recognizing that I can still live a full life with the right kind of medical care. Most of my frustration comes from people projecting their ableist feelings about disability onto me! It's why "oh but you're so young" comments make me want to deck people.

The only thing I hate about being disabled is other people and all their fucking issues that they keep projecting onto me. The way doctors act like it's better for me to give up everything I do just so I can eventually maybe regain some of my mobility rather than give me the help that would ACTUALLY make that possible. And I cannot stand the way I'm treated like some sort of stupid infant who doesn't have any idea what's best for her because I recognize my own limitations and ask for help. The pain isn't even the worst part, it's the dehumanization and infantilization. The insistence that suffering is better than "giving up" and using a mobility aid. The idea that something happening to someone like me is a tragedy and not just part of life. And the way it constantly makes me feel like I'm the problem when I fucking KNOW I'm not.

Every issue I have faced has been a result of the way other people have treated me. My mobility probably wouldn't even be as bad as it is now if my doctors had Fucking Listened To Me when I first brought up my chronic pain as a teenager, because if they had they would have figured out that I have EDS and will always be damaging my joints and thus need braces NOW to prevent that damage from progressing. I hate thinking about how not being taken seriously by doctors is what got me here in the first place. I'm so fucking tired of my fate being in the hands of people who won't help me and then blame ME for how bad I'm doing and insist I have no idea what I'm talking about and helping me would make things worse actually and have you tried just suffering more.

It's legit inhumane. I just want to be treated like a person, and maybe have some recognition for the way other people constantly make my life hell rather than people acting like I got myself into this situation when I fucking didn't, they did.

I was never the problem.

#personal #negative #vent #actually disabled #cpunk

[aronarchy]

i think there are some belief sets that are shoved into the category of “just thinking about The Future(tm)” & thus assumed to have zero bearing on your present values, and thus anyone who gets “pushy” about those/has a stance & sticks to it is assumed to be problematizing/politicizing an apolitical issue and thus ruining the party for everyone else

for example I remember some time ago I was posting about transhumanism/deity-abolition stuff & how I believe it is unethical for any sentient, agentic being to be capable of stopping vast amounts of suffering but still choosing not to just because, and maintaining a vast power imbalance btwn them & other beings. & that “natural” biological death is, if caused by/enabled by a superior agent, just functionally equivalent to ppl being drugged unconscious/put to sleep permanently against their will (or at least, without them being able to say no). a christian responded by saying death is compatible with her philosophy bc she believes in heaven & saved souls after and whatnot. i pointed out that (even if that’s true, which is unlikely, & not reasonable to subject ppl to the risk of given how that cannot be verified rn & is logically unlikely) that would be functionally equivalent to drugging someone nonconsensually, dragging them off to somewhere else against their will or without their knowledge (or at least ability to say no), and then policing a border so that they are forcibly cut off from loved ones & huge swaths of the sentient universe & the like for eternity. a friend dm’ed me on her behalf later to ask me “but why did you block that woman over her christianity comment.” just, did not understand why I think that was an issue, and did not like being derailed like that, and that I view this as an actual ethical issue w/genuine ethical weight & that matters. bc all spirituality is automatically assigned “apolitical” & “a valid belief” even if it’s passing down real ethical mandates that negatively/would negatively impact lives.

some progressives cede that yea doctrine is wrong sometimes but only when it’s Real Political Issues That Matter like christianity being used to justify misogyny/adultism/queerphobia for example. but, there’s a lot they leave uninterrogated (including the fundamental premise). or, they care about death-advocacy-bc-heaven but only when it becomes Really Bad Enough, like actual suicide cults or telling people to kill themselves or others. but they have a point at which they stop, like indefinite life extension upon request.

I wrote an analysis once abt how belief in all-powerful deities & positive moral assignations to them can be considered analogous to certain scenarios where a human was extremely socially/economically powerful & controlled much of the world or your resources & you can’t see them but they might be able to make demands and the like, and still restrict your agency but in ways too normalized to really notice. I don’t think it can be anarchic, on principle, to believe that choosing to be/remain a powerful deity, taking control over numerous ppl’s lives, is ethical. and I don’t think you can hold that + anarchism as opinions at the same time without running into contradiction somewhere down the line when you try to reduce/apply your philosophies.

some ppl argue that transhumanism isn’t rly an issue that has ethical weight that actually matters bc it doesn’t matter, it’s all for the future, we can’t do any of that right now so leave it (and the arguing!) for later. that’s not really right though; transhumanism, first off, isn’t just some discrete set of alterations, but a principle, and nature essentialism is often used right now to disagree w/sex-modification surgeries or certain types of accommodations for disabled people. some ppl try to shove the later into a category of “unproblematic” bioalteration but that’s not really coherent, is it; it relies on aesthetic/political convenience to judge, not analysis. likewise for primitivism discourses--I’m not saying that working together on some things sometimes is impossible, but that taking a stance is ethically relevant (and also primitivists seem to have a much easier time accusing us of “disunity”/imposing unimportant beliefs than vice versa). is it as immediate as now? no, but it does matter to at least some degree.

somewhat similar dynamics wrt state communists who don’t support any presently existing or past examples of oppression, but still support it as a hypothetical, and make it a future goal. it does bleed into their actual present theory & practice at least sometimes, even if they’re willing to work with anarchists in the present. and also, again, they have an easier time accusing us of caring about irrelevancies than vice versa.

also (this seems like a very different issue, but i’m just putting my own thoughts/experiences out here) this seems like a similar line of thinking to what’s applied to contact discourse a lot of the time. “well that’s about the FUTURE but we can’t say anything about the future post-youthlib or post-“destigmatization” & whether or not it would be ethical then so let’s not care now and fuck you for caring.” bc first of all, 1) “youthlib’d societies” existed in the past, and 1b) pro-c’s like bringing up “noncolonized ‘non-adultist’ pro-c societies” so it’s just completely unaware & irresponsible imo to act like it is just needed “for the future” not for anything in the past or the present; 2) post-youthlib ppl would deserve to have their trauma recognized too if they experienced csa, and the epistemic injustice of abuse being denied (or relativized) is, well (bad, obviously); 3) they wouldn’t be an entirely different species even then, and contact stances wrt that “future world” would involve debates around biopol. & psychology & physiology and frameworks, and which when used now for current debates (bc they are used, yes) do actually influence how we would conceptualize the answer to that future problem, so it’s kind of not a good idea to think that the two are just, like, completely disconnected & discrete.

also just bc it “can’t matter now” isn’t an excuse for arguing it will/should never matter (which is smth claimed by some of such aforementioned individuals).

#OP #transhumanism #deity abolition #anarchism #contact discourse #anti-contact #ramble #personal #edit: might also have some parallels wrt veganism? #idk much about that discourse though so cant really say

[darkaviarymc]

So why tf are you living with a zionist? And why tf did you get married to one in the first place?

I've gotten anons asking invasive questions about my relationship with Troy and why I have yet to end it, and I've deleted each one. I don't know if you're the same anon, but I'm guessing you follow me because my latest #aviisleaving post has no notes and was less than an hour old when I received this ask.

But.

Due to recent events in this fandom, abuse has become a spotlight topic. I don't know if I would call my marriage abusive or not. But whether or not it is, my situation and my reasons for staying in it for the time being is similar to what abusive victims face. There are many reasons not to leave, to bide your time before leaving, and to not be able to leave at the time or even at all, and I think it's an important discussion to have.

I'll start by explaining why I'm with him in the first place. We used to be closer ideologically. He wasn't always this far right and (this is where I make a confession that idk if I'm actually ready to make, but here we go) I wasn't always this far left. Seven years does a lot to change people, for better or worse. I was a left-leaning centerist, he was a right-leaning centerist, and we met in the middle to either compromise or peacefully agree to disagree.

We were both nerdy autistic weirdos with the same taste in music, same sense of humor, and enough ideologically in common to make peace. He got along well with my daughter and was quick to let me know that, if we ever got married, he'd consider her his kid as if she was his own.

I'm hyper-romantic. I see romance basically everywhere I look, and I fall in love hard and fast. He wasn't used to having a woman (my egg hadn't cracked yet, we'll get to that) who wasn't an absolute bitch be interested in him, so he fell harder than he ever had. We also both hated our situation at home, and I wouldn't pretend that wasn't a factor. We rushed the relationship and got married before we'd been together a year.

Everything changed for me when I realized I was queer.

I found the community I'd been denying for my whole life, and I learned a lot. He was an ally then. A flawed one, but he was willing to try. He was supportive of me when I came out, first as bisexual and then as nonbinary.

But everything changed for him when the wreck happened. He was driving with our mutual best friend in the front passenger seat when he lost control on black ice and slid into oncoming traffic. Our friend died at the scene, and Troy's injuries left him permanently disabled. He's since regained his independence, but he'll always struggle with his left arm.

We both took solace in our faith (I'd still consider myself a Christian, feel how you feel about that, I've heard it all) but he got lost in Christian Reddit, then Christian TikTok. Christian TikTok led to Evangelical TikTok, which led to transphobic, homophobic, MAGA, and zionist TikTok.

He ate that shit up. He fucking chugged that kool-aid. It gave him something besides himself to be angry at.

Grief opened my mind and closed his. It softened my heart and hardened his.

It just went downhill from there.

And now I can't live with this. I know he can't either, and the only reason he hasn't initiated a separation is because 1) there's no biblical grounds for divorce because I haven't cheated on him, and 2) he doesn't think a fat, autistic, disabled nerd in his 30s with a small dick and $30,000 in medical debt could ever find a godly wife. His words, not mine.

So if I want what's best for myself, my daughter, and yes, even for Troy, I need to be the one to leave.

So why haven't I yet?

First and foremost, money. We live in a society blah blah blah. Our society isn't friendly single mothers, queer people, or disabled people, and I'm about to be all three. I need to be 100% certain that I can support not only myself, but a high support needs autistic teen daughter who will likely never be able to live independently.

We currently only have one working vehicle, and aren't in a financial place to remedy that. I will need my own form of transportation if I'm going to be on my own.

All of my preparations (housing, transportation, moving logistics, etc) will have to be enacted quickly and perfectly. Surgical precision packing, moving, and stocking up on groceries so I don't have to leave the house for a while within 24 hours. Why? Because his family can't have any forewarning. I would not be safe. Currently, I'm not safe emotionally, but if I mess up even one step off the plan, if I'm not perfect in my exit strategy, I won't be safe physically, and neither will my daughter. I won't elaborate further on that.

Not only do I have to leave perfectly, but I have to be 150% positive months in advance that I can keep perfect. Because he has friends and family in places that could be dangerous for me, not the least of which is CPS. I fully expect to have them at my door by the end of the first month. I can't give them cause to take my daughter, even if it's the smallest, stupidest thing. Especially since they'll already have a small, stupid thing. Namely, my queerness and my disability.

Because I'm under no impression whatsoever that Troy won't out me to every single person who I can't safely be out to the instant he gets the chance. I will have no more help from (and possibly no contact with) my family. I will be completely alone. My support system will be gone forever. I have to be emotionally, mentally, and financially ready for that.

And I am none of those things right now.

And until I am, I have to do whatever I can to keep myself safe enough to bide my time for the right opportunity.

#aviisleaving #tw abuse

[marsipain]

Hey I hope this isn't rude but when you reblogged that post about prosthetics, that post was about how more media should have character who Don't use prosthetics since irl they're bulky and most people do t use them except to make the abled people around them feel confortable (:/). But all the characters you tagged it with All use prosthetics besides the last one who has a wheelchair? I get Misako trying them since she had arms b4, but Lloyd was without them. He'd probably be more comfortable without.. even if in the future theyre better than now that doesntmean every disabled person is gonna use them

Hi! Thank you for sending these asks anon! When I reblogged that post with the tags about the cyberpunk AU, I really only used it as an opportunity to list the physically disabled characters, and wasn’t thinking of writing much about the specifics of what contexts each character uses their prosthetics for (for all the ones that use it) and was more noting it down for later, which honestly, is my fault! You’re right, it was very tone deaf of me and very inappropriately placed. I shouldn’t have brought it up on a post specifically about how physically disabled people feel pressured to use prosthetics by abled people and how it’s pushed to be the norm, and at LEAST provided the information on the characters specifically and how it was relevant to physically disabled people using prosthetics and how abled people around them fit into that picture. I did not provide a nuanced description that does the topic justice, so thank you for pointing it out!

I’m going to attempt to write fully into detail about it here, but with that being said, I am (for the most part) an able bodied individual and will not be able to do as well justice to this conversation as it deserves. I have done my fair share of research on the topic and also got @hiddensneker (who is hard of hearing) to read over this for me and give me a few pointers, but it is still nowhere near the experience and knowledge of all physically disabled people, so if you’re a physically disabled person reading this I would love if you corrected and criticized me on whatever I get wrong and add anything to the conversation you feel is important !

I want to start off by pointing out with that, yes since this is a sci-fi esque setting the technology is much more advanced, and stuff like prosthetic limbs are able to be connected directly to the brain through artificial neurons in the prosthetic limb and to the rest of the nervous system. Like you pointed out however; not all people with missing limbs use prosthetics and that STILL very much applies to this universe regardless of its cyberpunk setting and does show in a couple of the characters in this AU, as I’ve attempted to write a range of different physically disabled characters with different relationships to their prosthetics and/or their lack thereof.

I will be going into depth on all of the characters mentioned in the tags of the post and their relationship to their physical disability and/or their prosthetics separately, and then put some final thoughts and reasonings at the end!

First off Misako! Misako lost both arms (right under the elbow for the right arm and above the elbow for the left arm) in a racing accident in her early 20s. For context (because I haven’t spoken much about her publicly yet besides briefly mentioning her here and there) in this AU Misako does professional racing using the alias Lady Iron Dragon, and is considered one of the most skilled racers to ever live (if not the best) and a legend. She had already significantly built her reputation by her early 20s, so the accident really took a hit on her mentally; racing was her passion, would she still be able to race without her arms? She DID eventually recover, for a while she practiced using temporary prosthetics for racing, but after an eventual full recovery a couple years later and permission from her doctors, she got permanent prosthetic arms installed. This was because she’d lived all her life with both arms already and so she feels more comfortable living with them full time. With how advanced the technology is in this universe, it was always clear to her that this was what she wanted, but I want to acknowledge that if this wasn’t set in such a technologically advanced universe, she would not (and probably could not as flawlessly as I described here) install permanent prosthetic arms.

Now for Lloyd! In this au, Misako gave birth to lloyd in her early 30s, which is around 10 years after she herself lost her arms in the racing accident. He was born without his right arm (right below the shoulder and down.) When growing up, Lloyd was mostly kept away (but not forced away) from prosthetics, mainly because both Misako and Garmadon did not want him to think that he needed them to properly function in society (because he doesn’t) (and also that they would love him regardless.) When he grew a bit older he started becoming more and more interested in certain hobbies, starting with ring fighting (but mostly just training with his dad) which he had a prosthetic arm specifically designed for and later racing, which he also got an arm specifically designed for. When he grew a little older he developed a love for music (especially electric guitar and keyboard) and got a prosthetic designed for that! Outside of that he doesn’t use prosthetics very much (if at all.)

Now for Pixal. Pixal was born with a rare heart disease that there were no known cures for. Her father (Cyrus Borg) was distraught and desperate; none of the doctors knew what to do, no medical professional had any idea of how to help his daughter. With nowhere else to turn, he took on the task of helping his daughter himself using cyborg technology (his profession) together with his coworkers (?) He was eventually successful in helping her, and although it doesn’t show much on the outside (unlike her father) she is a cyborg! The purple markings on her face and arms (and perhaps other parts of her body) are simply aesthetic choices; glowing tattoos, if you will (there are a couple other characters with this that aren’t cyborgs, for example Skylor and Cole, as well as any Anacondrai Ring member who have a glowing snake tattoo on their back.) As you can see, while Pixal does not have any prosthetic limbs per se, she does have prosthetic parts inside her. This is not the same as Misako, Echo/Mr. E, Kataru and Lloyd’s situations however, because she cannot live without it.

Zane’s situation is similar but not identical to Pixal’s. He was discovered by his (later adoptive father) Dr. Julien as a young child in critical condition; barely able to move his body due severe chronic pains. This happened due to not having the resources as a homeless person to get treatment for his chronic pains (that were caused by injuries sustained living in the shadier parts of ninjaglow.) Dr Julien helped him by taking him home and altering parts of his body using prosthetics, completely getting rid of his chronic pains (at least for a while, he may have needed updated parts when he got older due to his body growing but his prosthetics not growing, as well as additional fixes and updates from now and then.) As you can see, it was not a choice to get the prosthetic parts; for he would have to either live every day in pain and unable to do basic tasks (for his chronic pain does not have a known medical cure outside of cyborg technology) or simply die due to how extreme his chronic pains had become. I also feel that it is important to note that Zane completely consented to becoming a cyborg, and that he and Dr. Julien had several in-depth conversations about it. (PS. No his face is not a screen built into his face, that is a mask.)

Echo/Mr. E is quite similar to Zane’s story. Dr. Julien found him abandoned in an empty alleyway (age 6-7) with a large slash on his throat. I’m not going to get too carried away with the specifics of his story (mostly because I have content planned around it) but just know that the injury was caused by another person and was not an accident. Dr. Julien took him in (this was a few years after he adopted Zane) and discovered that the slash had severely damaged Echo’s vocal cords, and that he was rendered mute. Echo begged Dr. Julien to help him, to find him a way to speak again because he loved speaking, he loved being vocal and it was a big part of him! Dr. Julien caved and started working on a device for him, and after many years of hard work he finally managed to create a voice box that Echo could strap to his throat that would make him able to speak (he was around 11-13 at this time.) Through the years of not having a voice, Echo used sign language with Zane and Dr. Julien (and everyone for that matter), and discovered that there were other ways to express himself without having a voice (facial expressions, body language, signing etc) and that he would be able to live a fulfilling life whether he ever got the voice box or not. He also continued to use ASL (or NSL? Ninjargon sign language? lmao idk) to communicate even after getting the voice box, and remained even more bodily expressive as a result of his time completely without his voice. It is important to note that this voice box is not a prosthetic (since it isn’t an artificial body part) but an assistive device (proving similar use as a hearing aid for example.) But was still mentioned because being mute (from any cause that isn’t self-afflicted regulation) is a physical disability.

Last but not least we have Kataru. Same as Echo I have yet to talk much about their story before meeting Zane, and that’s because I do have plans to make content surrounding it! So I wont be going into what happened before they met (and were adopted by) Zane. Kataru and Akita were homeless and barely scraping by. Kataru has lumbar spinal stenosis (which is basically a narrowing of the spinal canal, compressing the nerves traveling through the lower back into the legs), and due to being on the streets without treatment for [insert time between 1-2 years] it drastically increased in severity, causing complete paralysis of his legs. Because of this Akita had to act as their provider. They were barely scraping by with what they had, and without any money to treat Kataru’s LSS, things were looking bleak. Eventually they were adopted by Zane after meeting through [redacted], and were then able to treat his LSS. IRL there is no cure for LSS, only treatments, but in this universe you get it cured using mechanical parts (aka becoming a cyborg,) but Kataru chose to not do this, 1. because he doesn’t really mind using a wheelchair as transportation and 2. He doesn’t really fancy becoming a cyborg at all. He’s just fine the way he is (kind of like the star trek character you mentioned in the second ask!)

This AU is very important to me, and it’s also important to me that the characters and concepts I choose to include in it are done well and done justice. I’ve read articles about cyberpunk 2077 (reminder that this au isn’t directly connected to this game, I’m just bringing it up because its very relevant to this topic) and how it handles cyborgs and artificial body parts. I want to make sure that this AU does not follow the same mistakes as cyberpunk 2077 (and its predecessors in the genre) as a fellow cyberpunk themed universe.

Director of cyberpunk 2077, Adam Badowski, made this statement during E3:

“This is cyberpunk, so people augment their body. So the body is no longer sacrum [sacred]; it’s profanum [profane]. Because people modify everything, they are losing their connection to the body, to the meat,”.

In the wonderful and insightful article “Disabled Representation in Video Games and the Cyberpunk 2077 Problem” written by Elizabeth Rogers, she replies to this statement with

“And this is what insults me, as a disabled individual: the implication that we are less than human, that the relationship to our bodies is now profane, because it contains artificial parts. For many of us, the choice to include said plastic and metal bits and bobs is not really a choice at all. PICC lines and portacaths, insulin pumps and feeding tubes. You could argue that choosing to get an artificial arm or leg is a choice, but for many, it’s between not being able to walk and regaining movement and freedom. These are devices that allow us to achieve a degree of normalcy, one that we couldn’t before their implementation.”

This is what I’m trying to do in the Ninjago Cyberpunk AU. I’m attempting to show that these augmentations to the character’s body’s are directly done so that they can live out their lives to the same extent as an abled individual; to follow their passion, to persue their hobbies. And yes, it’s also partially to explore how a more technologically advanced universe would look like, but not for the spectacle like cyberpunk 2077, but to truly show how much it could help people physically disabled people, and to show the nuance in how people would or wouldn’t use that technology to express themselves without directly romanticizing the concept. The body is not profane because one adds “non flesh” to it, and it does not make it less sacred to do so either. While I understand that often in the cyberpunk genre it simply explores how humans in general would implement cyborg technology into their bodies and how that would affect society as we know it, in the Ninjago Cyberpunk AU I am specifically using it to explore how it’s an opportunity for a normal everyday life for physically disabled people, not only through a more advanced technological standpoint, but also in a society more accepting and respecting of the physically disabled people themselves. (And I hope to be able to casually implement that into content I will create surrounding this AU in the future.)

These are all important details I definitively should have mentioned in the tags of where I originally brought all of this up (or better so, made its own post about it in the first place) and it was never my intention to make it sound like I was completely disregarding the contents of the post in which I added the tags in. It was an unfortunate and unintentional misstatement, and I see now how easy it is to interpret the tags of the post as directly offensive. I was never aiming to make it come across that way; I never considered how bad it would look without all the information I held about the characters and their individual relationships to the prosthetics they use, (and while this isn’t an excuse) I was just excited to share with you all these sides of the characters that I had yet to mention, but failed to notice how bad it truly sounded without knowing the full context I guess? I hope that makes sense. I’m trying to create a narrative with multiple physically disabled characters, all ending up with a range of different stories and different connections to their prosthetics or their lack of thereof. It’s now very clear to me that when you read out the list of characters that I tagged in that post, it comes out looking like the complete opposite of that, and that’s completely my fault.

I hope I managed to explain it well enough anon! If you still have criticism, feel free to send in another ask (as many as you wish for that matter) and that also goes for any physically disabled person who has thoughts on this!

#hahabdhvdhdbsh i’m so anxious #i hope this is good enough #ninjago cyberpunk au #long post #marsipain speaks #marsipain asks

[aftonenterprise-moved]

michaels timeline (notes from google doc feel free to ignore)

be born as a beautiful little twin along with elizabeth. dont ask what happened to his mother because i dont know. he doesnt either. williams gay.

sister goes missing. this is very sad and baby michael does not know how to cope, especially since he and elizabeth were very close. bullying from fritz and his friends get worse. charlie also goes missing around this time, which makes everything even worse. he saw his OWN DAD kill charlie... this is getting scary for him!

he gets bit and what a CONVENIENT alibi for Willaim afton. his baby boy got hurt SO BADLY hes busy fucking raising his disabled child. I have not decided yet if Michael is a robot or not yet. I was already toying with the idea of a Mikebot au, but im not sure how i feel making it canon, im still really on the fence on how i feel about that. Either way, Michael is resurrected under the guise of it being a freak accident. And nursed back to health, verrry very luckily for William, the boy has a fuzzy memory. Michaels brother, and his brothers friends also all go missing around this time. They are presumed dead, along with Charlie and Elizabeth.

Michael is taken out of schooling to help him recover and so william can keep a very, very very very very very close eye on him. he had already been keeping a close watch on michael after elizabeths disappearance and especially after michael had witnessed what he had witnessed. Michael was never put into school again, and instead began working at the resturant himself. William, a very strong capitalist, and very smart engeneer, saw no problem in taking michael out of school permanently, setting him to work, and teaching him everything he knew. this continues until hes 15.

william afton had to fake his own death to keep his innocence and could no longer keep schooling michael, . who was put into the foster system.. The evidence was begining to pile up and he had to hide. Michael would have immediately been put into henrys care, but henry was on trial for murder at the time. henry spent six months to a year in jail, before being released as innocent, and was able to pull michael out of the foster system and into his home.

Michael and henry lived a simple, easy, quiet life. They didn't get along great, there was a lot of anger and hurt on both sides that got reflected onto eachother. lots of fighting. the worst parts were the interviews or interest in the case, it was the biggest thing to happen in hurricane utah and still is. michael lived this way until he was in his early twenties, when he got a letter sent to him by his father, instructing him where he could find his missing sister. which he does and he finds her you know this. you know this

elizabeth gets rejected from ennard, leaving her behind with michael and "ennard" crawling off who eventually forms molten freddy. It goes rogue. Michael is left a rotting corpse and with Elizabeth/baby (no suit pieces so theyre just wires) Michael and Elizabeth/Baby (Abby?) who set off on their goal to find and kill will, the rest of the animatronics, ending their reign

the resturant in this timeline is a mix of simulator's restaurant, and security breaches mall. think security breach, if it was in the classic original style. Cheap, very 80s plasticy feeling, with arcade carpets and checkered walls.

#ooc #headcanons #this is just from google docs im trying to piece together all my thoughts #im gonna eventually make a full narrative post thatll be like #better written and more puit together in the future

[nikkeisimmer]

The Status of

“The Chikamori Legacy”

Not being able to have ready internet access at all times is a fucking pain

So far what I’ve been trying-to do with the Legacy is work on the text chapters. At least until I can get my hands on a new wifi adapter. Unfortunately, it appears that our room is a dead zone, which means that I have to get either a wifi booster or a stronger USB wifi adapter. Part of it is also the fact that the landlord doesn’t want me wiring up to the router boosters because of the fact that it will be a “tripping hazard”.

This is going to mean delays in my posting schedule of my Sims 3 Legacy. It also means that being able to access files on my PC to upload is also gonna be a royal pain in the ass.

But them’s the breaks. You take what circumstances throws at you and you make the best of it.

Some of that means going back to some of the Sims stuff I did in the past just to leave it to memory on Tumblr.

Unfortunately, stuff like my “Mushroom Cloud Chronicles” game are on a hard-drive that I don’t have the finances to make into a external drive at the moment and probably won’t for quite a long time. Until I do, that particular game is in semi-permanent stasis.

I basically had uniforms and everything set up so that I could play out an entire “military scenario”. What I really wanted to do was continue that as a side story along with my legacy because I never seem to have a muse that can stay “on target” with one thing at a time (thank you, ADHD).

Ultimately, I fully want to get my hard-drive in my defunct laptop fixed so I can recover the files from there or...when I get my disability, I will end up having to get Photoshop Elements/Premiere Elements all over again (by spending $114.99) to rebuy a program I already own just because Adobe refuses to support it any more because it's 2014 (9 years old). Thank you Adobe for being a royal pain-in-the-ass. Is it worth it to get it? Well, it's the photo/editing software that I'm most familiar with. And when it comes down to it, I will have to upgrade to the latest and greatest - Photoshop 2023...or whatever the fucking hell they have brought out now.

Attaching the Navy markings and creating individual ribbon racks for each of the Sims uniforms was a painstaking process the initial time. The military officers and enlisteds caps were even worse, because getting the scrambled eggs on the brim right was a painstaking process that required hours of adjustment.

But I love my sims and my Sims 3 game and I like making things to use in my stories whether it be t-shirts, uniforms or other articles of clothing, or wall-hangings or other-stuff.

I would love to be able to learn how to mesh and make my own objects or clothes (namely uniforms) that I can use, however, I'm not sure if this 53 year old brain of mine can keep up. With ADHD and other learning disabilities hampering my ability to keep up with new information and having to learn at my "own pace". That makes it extremely difficult to be able to get a handle on complicated processes such as meshing and Blender is a complicated mess for me to understand. Milkshape 3D would probably be just as complicated.

So hence the reason I concentrate on my Legacy rather than any other story at the moment.

In my old Legacy I killed off Haruo and River at the point just before they were about to turn from Adult to Elder. No, both River and Haruo do not survive that accident. Poor Parker still loves River even though she married Haruo. He pleads with her to remain with him, but she doesn't. She passes away in his arms.

Parker knew that his attempts to make River stay with him were in naught…her pulse was fading and she was shivering. "My…Hus..band…" her voice was just a whisper.

Parker's eyes spilled over as he tried to get his voice out through the enormous logjam in his throat, "I'm sorry…River…I'm…so sorry…" he whispered to her. "He's gone…but you're still here…you need to live…for your kids…" he tried to give her something to hold on to.

She coughed weakly again…her breath watery, "Kids…grown…I'm going…with…Haru…"

"No…River…no…Please…" There was still a part of Parker that loved River and he was devastated, "No…you can't…"

"My…husb…"

She went limp in his arms…coughing out blood…as the life left her. "No…RIVER!!!!" Parker wouldn't let her go; he held her tight to him, cleaning off the corner of her mouth of blood, all the while whispering: "no…River…no…no…" was all that he could repeat.

Yeah, it was a fatal accident. Smashing into a cedar tree and a rock porch - devastating internal injuries. Haruo died on impact.

So, there was a lot of stuff that I did in the Sims 3 when I had Adobe. But this particular legacy won't be continued. And I'm working on "The Chikamori Legacy" which is in the process of being written. Not only are there significantly longer chapters - each chapter is around 20+ pages on a Word Document, and that is before even screen-capturing images from the game to go along with the story.

So just letting you know, I'm playing Sims 3 amidst the hockey posts. Just letting y'all know that this is primarily a Sims 3/SWTOR tumblr with maybe a little Mass Effect thrown in here and there. So no, you haven't stumbled onto a "wrong site".

#sims 3 #sims 3 gameplay #ts3 #sims 3 storytelling #jagtvshow #jag tv series #Toshio “Animal” Nakamura #Meg Austin #Harmon Rabb Jr #Sarah Mackenzie #Adobe rant #River McIrish-Chikamori #Haruo Chikamori #Parker Langerak #Ethan Bunch #Miraj Alvi #Sims 3 Legacy #sims 3 legacy gameplay

[not-so-secret-nerd]

Stranger Things Lumax/Elmax Healing

OKAY WE’RE GONNA DO SOME LUMAX/ELMAX (and other queer ships) HEALING BECAUSE THESE POOR KIDS NEED IT.

(I can’t promise I’ll write this into a fully fleshed out one-shot because it’s been AGES since I did anything fandom related, but I’m in so much pain and need my babies okay and happy)

https://www.youtube.com/results?search_query=gareth+emery+i+could+be+stronger

The song provides the landscape for the scene in mind. 

Picture it with me. Hawkins survives Vecna and the Mind Flayer’s attempts at overtaking the human world. It’s a narrow escape but it’s something. The gang make it all out alive, but there are casualties they can’t escape. Mostly Max not regaining her regular sight and remaining totally blind, but she retains the second sight accidentally gifted to her when El retrieved her from Vecna's mind that allows her to see any cracks in the fabric of reality where the Upsidedown could leak through. It’s her and El’s job to spot the fissures and close them. 

Dustin takes over as permanent DM for the Hellfire Club and names Erica his Lieutenant. He has plans to visit Suzie over summer break and once he goes away to college, he’ll hand Hellfire over the Erica permanently. 

Will and Mike...well, that’s a little complicated. It was El who decided to end things between her and Mike after the final battle. Her reasons are her own and she doesn’t share them openly, but she could feel the connection the two boys shared and realizes, through her own displays of power and overcoming her literal demons, she’s too young and wild to settle down with anyone long term. She knows so little of the world, and Mike’s heart has always belonged in another’s hands, so she makes the hard decision to end things amicably. Mike is understandably upset but even he realizes after a small bit of sulking that El's right. He was just too blinded by social pressures and his own awkwardness to see the gift Will had given him. The gift of his heart. They are taking things slow, he and Will. It’s all new for Mike but he’s learning and gradually accepting his feelings.  

El is thriving in new and exciting ways as she learns about the wild world outside Hawkins and the shadow of the Upsidedown.

Nancy, Robin, and Steve decide to room together to help mitigate the cost of living (despite property in Hawkins being dirt cheep) and to also pose as each other’s beards. Being queer in the late 80′s is hard enough thanks to the AIDS epidemic still raging, but Nancy can’t close off her feelings for Robin any more than she can close off her feelings for Steve. They are both her anchors, so they enter into the strange yet fulfilling world of polyamory. And oddly enough, they wind up unofficially-officially adopting a certain blind redhead who finds herself without any strong mooring in a frightening new world.

Hawkins takes over a year to rebuild. Eventually, the gang goes back to school to finally graduate. It’s tough but they manage to wiggle back into some semblance of normalcy. And while everyone seems to be able to fit into their respective roles well enough, Max struggles. With her achingly new disability. With the memories she can’t escape. With losing her family to the Upsidedown in more than one way. It seems impossible she’ll ever feel “normal” again, but Lucas is there between each breath. Helping her stand. Helping her learn. Helping her remember how to smile, and then it’s not just Lucas there but El literally at her elbow at all points. El taking up the slack when Lucas is tired or needs to be with his friends or just needs to feel human for once and crumble. El helping Max feel like a teenager again but most importantly helping her see.

It’s not much. It never is because El’s powers are enormous and if she’s not careful she can overwhelm Max (she did this once and Max passed out for a solid 5 minutes only to come back to shouting, Hopper picking her up, Joyce calling 911, and Lucas having to be restrained by El who was sobbing just as hard as he was. Not a good day). But when El is able to pinpoint her focus and trigger the second sight Max gained after she escaped Vecna’s mind, El can help her see in a world of colors never before imagined. It’s like looking through technicolor lenses, and the first time Max catches a glimpse of this brand new sight she cries for hours.

So life moves forward and the school year grinds on. Christmas break is the best it’s ever been. Max and El spend it with Robin, Steve, and Nancy then heading over to the Byers residents where Hopper makes them all food, sings horribly, and hands out gifts in a very un-Santa-like fashion (despite Joyce donning elf ears and a red and green hat). Spring comes and with it the prospects of prom. It’s a bitter sweet moment for Max. She never wanted to go to prom when she first enrolled. It was cheep and cheesy and just not her vibe, but now? Now all she wants is to be able to go back in time and pick out a dress that Lucas would match and relive the happiness of the Snowball. Her melancholy is picked up by Nancy who hatches a plan with Robin, Steve, El and the rest of the gang. Lucas is sworn to secrecy and it kills him to keep quiet about this, but he’s over the moon with the idea. 

And so, come May, Max’s new family kidnaps her for the day. El feigns wanting to go get her hair done, and even if Max can’t see, she wants to feel some semblance of normal, so she agrees. And doesn’t exactly understand why her hair’s being pinned up or makeup carefully applies or...are they getting her nails done?! Nope, she draws the line there until El gently takes her by the shoulders and whispers close to her ear “Just trust me”. Max can’t argue. El is both her best friend and other half. The second body to her holy trinity. So with reluctant agreement, she lets this weird process happen and only realizes something amazing is about to happen when she carefully steps in to a dress that fits her like a glove. A dress El shows her with a tiny push from her powers. 

Tears well in Max’s cloudy eyes. She can see herself so clearly in a whirl of colors like oil on water. Hair beautifully styled and studded with crystal pins that make it look like the night sky. Body hugged by fabric as soft as silk and cut into a stunning off the shoulder design with a neckline that might not be proper for someone her age but Nancy insisted. 

She’s going to prom, she realizes, and suddenly can’t breathe.

It’s only after more than an hour of pep talks and gentle reassurances that she climbs into the back of Steve’s car beside El (who insists she’s in an equally beautiful dress with an equally beautiful date on her arm and Max suddenly feels warm in new and frightening ways she’ll explore later) and the two arrive at the newly refurbished Munson gymnasium. El guides Max through the door and at first the music is overwhelming. Max knows there are dozens of people there and her claustrophobia spikes until she feels a familiar hand slide around her waist and a gentle set of lips against the side of her head. 

“Hey there Mad Max.”

Lucas. She relaxes immediately and takes his offered hand. El extricates herself to wander and observe (she does a lot of that) and maybe take up a few dances with Mike (for old time’s sake) and Dustin. Even Erica a few times, the two laughing and spinning like fools while people look on. 

Max can’t help feel out of place. She’s never been a dancer on this caliber. Lucas doesn’t push until a song comes on that literally stops Max’s heart. Kate Bush’s “A Deal With God”. And suddenly she’s shaking and flashing back to those horrible moments under Vecna but also the blissful balm of feeling Lucas hold her tight. Holding her like he’s holding her now and gently swaying. Max doesn't even realize she was dancing with him until she feels his hands settle on her waist, their foreheads almost touching. 

“You’re so beautiful,” he breathes and she can hear the smile on his lips. “We make a kickass couple right now, I hope you know.”

“I’ll take your word for it,” she snorts back a little bitterly, but then she feels it. A tiny tug at the base of her skull she’s come to associate with El touching her with her powers, and suddenly the gym is awash in colors so vibrant and vivid Max gasps and pulls back. Only its not the colors that yank her heart into her throat but the sight of Lucas. His ebony skin lit around the edges in hues of blue, purple, violet, and pink. His eyes glowing like a gentle sunrise mirrored in his smile because he knows, he knows, she’s seeing him fully and he can’t help it. He looks like a celestial being come to earth, glowing with a light that can only be described as pure radiance, and she’s in complete awe. 

“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen,” Max whispers with tears in her eyes and hitch in her voice as she traces fingers across Lucas’ face.

“The moon only glows when the sun shines,” Lucas says back before kissing her, and the radiance bleeds into Max, making her smile until her cheeks hurt. She’s crying but that’s okay. So is Lucas and so is El who isn’t far away with a wad of tissue discretely shoved into her bleeding nostril. Nancy wraps an arm around her slender shoulders and kisses the top of her head. Steve bumps her with his shoulder, proud papa of six watching one of his most broken children have her Cinderella moment.

Years in the future, when Max, Lucas, and El are grown with families and lives of their own, they will look back on that moment as one of the happiest. The first sunrise after the storm. The first real breath of fresh air and the beginning of everything new. 

#stranger things #elmax #lumax #max mayfield #eleven #lucas sinclair #Jane Hopper #eddie munson #happy ending goddamnit!

[endlessreruns]

(Anthony Turpel) [The Curious ]. Please welcome [ Parker Russo (he/they)] to Huntsville, WV. They are an [20]-year-old [VISITOR] who lives in [THE COMMUNE]. You may see them around working as a [Paperboy at the Huntsville Daily].

Name: Parker Gaetano Russo

NickNames: Park

Face Claim: Anthony Turpel

Age: 20 (updated age 21)

Gender/Pronouns: demi-boy, he/they

Orientation: Gay-Demiromantic/Demisexual 

Commune Visitor 

Neither Hunter or Gatherer

Occupation: Paperboy at the Huntsville Daily

Languages Spoken: English, Italian, and Sicilian. Some German (basic stuff you'd learn in a first year high school class), and some ASL (very very basic things like "please" and "thank you")

Traits: Curious / Talkative / Sensitive / Forgetful / Routine / Odd

Parker was born his mother's second child, his half brother having been born around a decade before, and their parents married while his mother was still pregnant with him While he loved his mom, they were practically inseparable from his dad. That is until one day he left home and never came back. Parker had been a six at the time, and for years they held out hope that one day their dad would come home. When he never did Parker began to feel like he’d been abandoned, and then started to wonder what he’d done wrong. Their older brother and dad fought all the time, so certainly they were used to it. He wouldn’t have left based off something his brother did, but maybe he’d done something wrong. 

When Parker was 15 they were pressured into doing a dare, something that was dangerous, and didn’t go as planned. It landed Parker in the hospital with a head injury severe enough to put them in a coma for a couple of weeks, and ultimately gave them permanent damage in the form of short term memory loss. Meaning that they have a hard time forming new memories. The injury had caused damage to some of his motor skills, such as affecting his ability to write (something they have relearned, but their handwriting isn't great), as well as affecting their sleep. Ever since they have had to work to adjust their life to their disability. Forming certain systems and routines that they follow. It’s not foolproof, but it does help. 

At 17 Parker wandered into Huntsville from the woods, having gotten lost after wandering away from where their group of friends had set up camp for a before junior year outing, and not remembering which direction was the one back. He was found by Edgar Wayne and taken to the commune at the Parson house. Parker rarely left the commune for the six or seven months of his being in Huntsville, using much of that time to develop new systems and routines for themself. 

 Over the couple of years since his injury Parker has become borderline obsessed with dissecting dead animals and taking other things apart so that he could see what the insides looked like and how they worked, along with learning how to put things back together (something that he writes down step by step so he won’t forget.) All of this under the belief that if he’s broken in a way that can’t be fixed that they want to be able to fix broken things that can.

Extras:

- maternal grandparents immigrated from Italy to the states and eventually wound up in Huntsville

- mother moved out of Huntsville before he was born, and grandparents moved closer to them a few years after his dad left to provide more help. Both of them died before Parker was 13.

- prior to getting stuck in Huntsville the last time Parker had been in Huntsville was when he was 8, two years after his dad left.

- the year after his dad left he and his mom changed their last names to her maiden name, Russo. Prior to this Parker would say his name was Parker Russo anyways bc he wanted to be like his big brother. The name change was just to make it his legal last name

- has 'inside before dark' tattooed on the inside of their right wrist

- sometimes still wonders what he did to make his dad leave

- While he can remember details of the night of his accident and even the moments that led up to it, Parker doesn't actually remember the accident. If you were to ask Parker he'd say the last thing he remembers is standing on the roof of Jacob Richardson's house.

- has a therapy dog named Mrs. Nesbitt that he has recently been reunited with. Mrs. Nesbitt is a 5 going on 6 year old cockapoo

#huntsvilleintro #intro: parker

[renee-writer]

Love is Composed of a Single Soul Inhabiting Two Bodies Chapter 20

AO3

“You simply hold him against your bare skin.” They both look aghast at the nurse.

“Simple, you say. As if he hasn’t been in a box, hooked up to all those things keeping him alive.” Jamie aches to hold his baby but, he is also terrified to.

“The machines are more monitoring life then keeping him alive,” that doesn’t really help but her next words do, “and he will stay on them. Jacob won’t be hurt but helped by this.”

They decide that Claire will go first. Jamie is still leery. The room for kangaroo care is completely private. She strips down to her bra. Jacob is brought out. As promised, the oxygen, now just nasal cannula, is still on. The pads monitoring his vitals are on his bare chest. A nappy is his only clothing.

Claire’s arms ache for him. When the nurse lays him across her chest, tears spring to her eyes. Finally, she is holding her son. He relaxes immediately against the smell of her skin and the sound of her heart. They are familiar. “Hello Jacob. Hello my love.” A whisper as she runs a finger over his wispy red hair and down his back. “Mama has missed you.”

Ah mama. Finally. Safety. Comfort. Peace. He feels them all laying in her arms. The thumping of her heart regulates his and his pulse calms. His breathing relaxes. His body and heart know her. She is home.

They let Jamie have a turn before he gets to overwhelmed. After watching Claire and seeing Jacob melt into her, he is quite ready. They move the baby from mama to papa. Again, the smell of his skin is a comfort. Family. The beat of his heart calming. Jamie holds him gently with one hand. The bairn is just a bit bigger then the span of his hand. He stares down at him. “Mo mhac, I am your papa. I am so sorry for your rough start. It will get better. You’re a Fraser. There is nothing we can’t overcome.” He pauses as his throat fills with tears. “I am here my sweet boy. You are not alone.”

“His supplemental oxygen has been decreased. He doesn’t need as much. He has gained three ounces. It doesn’t seem like a lot but it is. We are testing his suck reflex and believe he will be able to nurse soon. His heart rate and respiration are staying steady. All in all, Jacob is doing wonderfully. If we can completely wean him off the oxygen and get him to nurse, he will be moved to the growing and feeding part of the nursery. “

They look at the doctor with tears in both their eyes. “He will live. What about the others?”

“Well Jamie, having him on less oxygen is a good sign that he shouldn’t have any permanent issues due to his pre-maturity. He is passing his hearing tests. He is holding glances so his eyesight is probably fine. He engages so his brain seems to be un-effected.”

“Thank God.”

“Not that we wouldn’t be happy if he lived and had some disability.” Claire adds.

“Of course. We understand. Keep up the kangaroo care. Keep pumping Claire. I know you probably feel like a milk cow but, it is the absolute best thing you can do for him.”

“We will. I will. Thank you. “

“My pleasure to deliver good news.” The doctor stands and then turns towards the nursery. An alarm is going off. He hurries that way. Jamie and Claire hold each other’s hands. He was doing good, they remind themselves. Still, every alarm, it is hard not imagine it being their Jacob.

“Let’s go see him.” She nods and they walk over to the sink and scrub up. It is second nature now. Entering, they see frantic activity around a cot. Not Jacob’s, thank God. Oh, it is wee Eli. They know most of the babies and their parents.

Eli had been delivered even earlier then Jacob. A micro- preemie. He was so tiny that his skin was translucent. His chances are less then twenty percent.

They look at each other before walking over to Jacob’s cot. It is open now. They take seats beside him. “Jacob, our darling, we need to pray for your mate Eli.”

Claire touches his tiny hand. He gasps her finger. His papa does the same. They join hands and Jamie starts to pray the rosary. Behind them, the sobs of Eli’s parents can be heard.

“I won’t be long.” Jamie kisses her. He touches his son’s hand. The baby lays asleep. They will do a test of his ability to nurse that afternoon. He doesn’t want to miss it but, he needs to meet this Gillian. Anyone who is at Lallybroch around the children, he needs to meet and approve.

“I know.” He squeezes her hand and heads out.

She arrives in the strange breeks they call jeans and a long sleeve button up shirt. Her feet are outfitted with boots. Murtagh, with Fergus ' help, is dressed pretty much the same.

“Welcome back. My Godson, Jamie Fraser, the Laird of the house, is on his way to meet you.”

“I need his seal of approval, eh?” her green eyes flash with merriment.

“Aye, you do.” Brian pulls up then, with Jamie. They exit and get their first look at Gillian.

“Gillian Duncan, meet my Godson, Jamie Fraser and his father, Brian Fraser. Jamie, Brian meet Gillian.” The two man nod to her.

“Welcome to Lallybroch Gillian.” Brian offers his hand.

“Thank you Brian.”

“Well, I am going to check on the children and leave you to get acquainted.”

“Gillian, I also welcome you to Lallybroch. I hope Murtagh has made you feel at home?”

“Yes. Thank you. He has been wonderful.”

“I am glad to hear it. You find this a bit old fashioned, I am sure.”

She laughs. “In honesty Jamie, I have found all from he house to the man and his manners, old fashioned.”

If only she knew, he thinks. “Aye, we were raised with those values. Being raised in a three hundred year old home, helped with that.”

“I imagine it did. Look Jamie, I like Murtagh. I like his manners, his looks even, his stern persona. I promise to honor your home and your Godfather.”

He grins. “I can’t ask for more then that. Be a bit rough on him. It will help keep him in his place.”

“Hey now!” Gillian and Jamie laugh and the indignant look on his face.

“You know I love you auld man.” He pats his shoulder. “I have to get back to the hospital.”

“How is Jacob doing?”

“Quite well. Thank you,” he answers her, “They are going to try him nursing this afternoon.”

“Oh, that is wonderful.”

“Aye. Be safe on the horses. It was nice to meet you Gillian.”

“You to Jamie. I have been praying for the baby.”

“Thank you very much.” He heads in to fetch his da and they head towards the barn.

“It may be difficult, at first. he is using skills and muscles that he hasn’t yet. The instinct helps.” The lactation consultant explains. Claire nods understanding.

“I am ready to try if he is.”

“Alright, let’s do this.” Jacob is laid carefully on his mama’s bare chest. This is first, letting the feel and smell of her skin guide him. His tiny mouth opens as the rooting instinct kicks in.

Jamie watches, from the side. He is silently rooting him on. A nursing Jacob is a step closer to coming home.

“Now we run your nipple over his mouth.” They do and he tries to get it in. A few more times and…

“Oh, he has it!” Unlike the frantic nursing of his siblings, Jacob is laid-back in his suckling. A suck, the milk squirts in, another, and so on. He is doing it! That is all that matters. They don’t try to get him nursing on the other side, don’t break his latch. That will be a lesson for another time. The lactation consultant instead, places a breast pump on it.

“No use wasting it. He will still need the feeding until fully nursing.” She explains.

“Now I really feel like a milk cow.” She is laughing though. He son is nursing and it is glorious.

Fergus watches his young siblings play. They run around the big front garden, playing tag. He smiles as Rory sneaks up and tags Faith. She lets out a growl as she gives chase. He loves them. Family. It is a huge gift. He places his head in his hands as he sits on the front stairs.

He understands the reason he needs to be here, watching them. His papa and mama must be with Jacob. Even as he thinks his name, he says a prayer for him. It is automatic. Ouí he understands. But, he longs for time to himself. Time to read, to think, to daydream. Time to speak to… There’s a lass. He meet her in town. She works in the coffee shop. He went in to get a coffee and she stole his breath. Marsali, with her blond hair and big blue eyes.

They exchanged numbers, how he loved the magic of phones then. They have been talking on the phone but have yet to see each other again. His life, right now being to chaotic. She understands and asked about Jacob every time they talk. Still, he longs to see her face to face, to hold her hand across a table, to bring flowers to her door.

A deep sigh as the children continue to run about. He really does love them.

His papa arrives home an hour later. He finds his eldest feeding the others. They sit around the table, eating soup and sandwiches. He makes a plate and joins them.

“Papa how is Jacob?” Faith asks.

“Doing very well. He was able to nurse.”

“Magnifique!” Fergus calls out. The others echo his excitement.

“It is truly wonderful. He will be moved to a different part of the nursery.”

“Jacob come home?”

“Not yet Rory. He still has some growing to do.”

“Papa, we want to hold him too. Fergus can so we should too. He needs to know us also.” Bree argues.

“Now that he has been moved, I will see if you can.”

“Thank you.”

They finish eating and Faith and Bree clean the table. “Would you guys go and play in the other room while I discuss something with papa? Please?”

After they leave the room, Jamie asks him, “What is it?”

“I love them, that is first.”

Jamie tenses and places his hands flat in the table. “What have they done?”

“Nothing papa. They have been good.” He relaxes and nods at him to go on. “I just need a break. I would like to see Marsali. Go out on a date.”

Jamie nods. “You are right. You have been wonderful.”

“I owe you that, after all, you rescued me and took me in. You made me a part of your family.”

“Fergus, you owe us nothing and never have. He are our son, as surely as Rory and Jacob are. You have felt you owed us?,” he nods. “Oh my son!” He stands, walks over to him, lifting him to his feet, he enfolds him in his arms. The young man reaches his shoulder. He rests his head on it. “We love you. Love is all you owe us.” He tightens his arms about him. “I will be here tonight. Make a date with Marsali.”

“Papa, when will mama be home?” Bree curls up against him. Rory sleeps in his lap and Faith is on the other side. He has missed them.

“She will be here tomorrow.”

“No, I mean for real.” Ah, they grow tired of only seeing their parents part time. He can’t blame them.

“That will be when Jacob comes home. I know it is tough. I am sorry loves but, mama must be there to feed him. We both need to be there to hold him. He needs to hear our voices and feel our skin. It helps him to grow so he can come home.”

“I want Jacob to grow. I just also want mama and you.”

“We miss you too. A lot. I will try to be here more.”

“No papa. Not if Jacob needs you.” Faith says.

“Hush Faith. If he says…”

“You are selfish Bree.”

“Am not!”

“Stop it lasses!” Immediate quiet. Rory hadn’t stirred. “Now Faith, I thank you. I won’t do anything to harm Jacob. Your sister isn’t selfish for wanting us around more. “

They give each other looks of victory across their papa. He chuckles. He has really missed them.

“Sisters fight.” Rory sleepily asks.

“Aye son but they have stopped now. Come, let’s to bed. I will give you a story if there is no more fighting.”

“Alright papa.” They say together. He lifts Rory up and carries him up the stairs. The lasses follow.

#my writing #ghost writer for omgbariegirl #outlander fanfic #love is composed ofa single soul inhabiting two bodies #chapter 20 #jamie and claire #cannon divergence #outlander fandom #modern au

[growing-up-poor-culture]

Really sorry for the inactivity but I've been dealing with paperwork regarding our benefits the last 3 months.

Vent ahead: tw suicidal ideation, tw cussing, tw trauma(??)

The problems started EVEN before i finished my finals and cuz my parents aren't knowledgable in the language of the country we reside in, I've been dealing with the paperwork from ABROAD, during my FINALS, while going throu a depressive episode and horrible executive dysfunctioning + not taking care of my health and when i finished my exams and returned back home I STILL had to deal with these paperworks. And they even asked for more paperwork and temporarily shut out benefits funding.

Being fucking poor isn't just a state it's your health, physically and mentally and it's so exhausting having to prove you are broke as fuck and need help to survive.

The benefits we get are also literally called MINIMUM WAGE and we are a family of 6 members.

My dad has a minor permanent disability, resulting in him not being able to work at all. Even walking for a bit can cause his back to hurt and then he needs to rest for awhile

My mom has been job hunting but they refuse her jobs due to her garments (they do not state it as it is unlawful but they find any random excuses to say no, or even flat out say they dont need workers when the work office itself sent her there)

My older brother is a university student and is awaiting his renewed ID and is not allowed to work without it, so even if he wanted to get a job he cant

Im also a university student and Ive applied for jobs but im also undiagnosed chronically ill, been so since I was a young child. I have a problem with my muscles/lower leg bones which the doctors still dont know the caus off

The money we receive barely covers our living cost. We never buy clothes , we go to different places that hand out food for help, I'm living at my uni dorms for free and not paying anything at all. thats the only reason my parents are able to send 2 of their children to study ouf the country

Like the only reason Im able to get my education is cuz i dont live in USA (thank god) and therefore public universities are for free.

They can't expect us to drop out of school and work to support our family (especially considering how slow they are at giving us our renewed IDs) .

Studying is the long time investment so we can work in the future and support ourselves

The whole reason i created this account is cuz growing up poor fucking sucked and what sucked even more is being treated as a menance, as if we enjoy living like this

And what's worse is that im slowly losing hope of ever being able to be financially independent and truly thrive.

I losta big portion of my chilhood and adolescence to being poor as heck. I developed fear of buying stuff that even now, that our situation has improved cuz we've been receiving help , i still do not buy necessery food items. I've grown so tired of the situation that I'm even having suicidal ideation. Had my parents not needed me to help them throu this idk what i would have done to myself

And what's even more frustrating is that I can't explain or vent to anyone else about this cuz the situation is so complicated and most ppl wont understand that this is our livelihood and that losing it means we could lose our permit of stay in this country and be kicked out even tho ive grown in this country since i was 8 years old

I apologize for the rant

But if this aint growing up poor culture then what is it?✌✌

#not growing up poor culture #mod cherry #tw sui ideation #tw suicidal ideation #tw cussing #tw trauma

[keeganhogan]

Sweet Bean

Sweet Bean was a very heartfelt movie, albeit not a very surprising one. Despite the plot being fairly expected, it was still a wonderful watch. Of course we have the metaphor of the caged bird that refers to Tokue. Forced to live in this “nursing home” for those who suffered from leprosy, Tokue was denied a normal life for the entirety of her life. When she finally comes out of her cage, however, she lives life to the fullest. She instantly looks to find purpose in the cooking she has come to love so much, and even finds a relationship with Sentaro that she couldn’t have with her own child that she was not permitted to have. She socializes with the youth, the younger girls at the shop, encouraging them to enjoy their freedom and their life at school, as it was something she was never allowed to opportunity to do. A beautiful, caring soul that was robbed of the beauties of life by society, Tokue’s warm and smile-inducing character makes her death that much more impactful.

Of course there is also the theme of the unjust, forced quarantine of leprosy patients, even after scientific advances of treatments and cures, as well as knowledge that it was not as contagious as the more antiquated anxieties feared it was. The consequences of this harsh government action are the reason for Tokue’s sorrow and go to show the lasting effects of not only the policy, but also the societal prejudices against those affected by the disease even after the policy’s eradication. The mere notion that Tokue had leprosy was enough to completely reverse the success the dorayaki shop, despite any confirmation of this fact and the fact that she was not contagious at all. Societal fears and prejudices are very strong, and this film strives to depict the life-robbing consequences of those fears and the sadness it causes.

Sentaro also spent a good amount of his life in a cage, but for very different reasons. The fact that he hurt someone so badly to the point of disability means that at the end of the film he understands how he has permanently affected that person’s life and the things that they may not have ever been able to do or enjoy because of him. Because he also loses his mother while in prison serves to foster that mother-son connection that he establishes with Tokue in the film.

I love how the movie depicted the passage of time, using super vibrant colors and beautiful shots of nature in Japan to show the changing of the seasons. Tokue, her symbol of the cherry blossom being established, passes away in the fall, perhaps early winter, when the cherry blossom is out of bloom, and the life that she lived in the summer and prior has passed. But it is at the end of the film that we see Sentaro, tiny dorayaki shop all set up, in spring, beneath a cherry blossom in full bloom overhead. Tokue as the cherry blossom is watching over him as he begins to make dorayaki for himself, and a new year has begun. Sweet Bean was a beautiful film about what it means to live, death, and good food that addresses a very serious issue in Japanese history, that is but a part of a larger issue of the images society gives to certain people.