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ewyband · 1 month

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explaining HRT to my parents and acceptance

hello everypony, if you don't know, im non binary. im gonna be really vulnerable here for a hot sec but i just wanted to share my experience because its something ive found very difficult to write about in musical form.

gender has always been super confusing for me and whilst there were signs of me being trans when i was younger, its only something thats become apparent in the last three years. i wont bore anyone explaining my experience of where i stand with my gender but i wanted to share my experiences with HRT and the process of telling my parents about it.

i started seriously considering HRT around around a year ago and decided to take the plunge around two months ago because every time i looked in the mirror, i noticed more chest hairs, thicker body hair, broader shoulders and a squarer jawline -- this all makes me extremely dysphoric and i hated it. the conclusion i came to was, this was all going to continue to intensify throughout me aging and so the main question was: do i want to age on testosterone or estrogen? once i started estrogen i felt so much better about myself, almost instantly (as in, within the first few days). my mood has drastically increased and i have 'breakdowns' way less now which is great!! one thing i was scared about was chest growth and the day before i started estrogen, i was very tired from a long day and had a breakdown because i was quite literally mourning my freedom. i never really have been more confident shirtless or anything but i mourned swimming in the sea, in lakes, in rivers and in tarns on the mountain tops -- the sense of freedom you feel when you're fresh out of an ice cold tarn on a mountain is indescribable. however, now i have responsibilities, i have a career i have to make work, i have people i need to please and for some reason i felt not being able to be shirtless was another freedom i could potentially have snatched away from me. when i told my mum about me starting HRT she said 'well, i'm sure you've made an informed decision so i'll just tell you the same thing i've said about weed: just be careful okay' which was a genuinely pleasant surprise when my dad found out, my mum called me saying 'just in case you get a call from your dad, he's really worried and he's been losing sleep over it. if he calls you, please dont argue with him, just agree with him for now for our sake' my dad did end up calling me and i explained everything and any worries that he had. he had a lot of questions but i managed to answer everything without getting too upset. towards the end of our call i thought he said 'i just needed you to understand' to which i replied 'yeah i understand, its okay to be anxious, because i definitely was' and he replied 'no, i said "i just needed to understand"' im really grateful for my parents being so accepting and its genuinely strengthened our relationship. even though they're pretty hit and miss with calling me my correct pronouns, they still love me and havent disowned me and im really grateful for that.

anyways, thanks for coming to my ted talk

#trans #nonbinary

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banhtet · 3 months

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HAYAMI RAMBLE POST

hii. been busy here and there so all ive done is rewatching unfinished anime series and dealing w both asthma and acute laryngitis and depression 🤡🤡

but ive been thinking abt hayami whenever i listen to mitski so. I Have To make a post abf her

this will be hcs mostly.............. 💀 some hcs/interpretation will be ooc as i need to rewatch the anime + reread the manga and the korotan series. but it physically hurts me sometimes bc i get too excited, then ill spiral into hatred for the series. ALSO MY INTEREST IN IT HAS BEEN DILUTING? THATS NOT GOOD!

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- i think hayami straightens her hair for the majority of her middle school final yr. bc in the manga, its shown in the manga that she still has curly frilly hair but to separate herself from Irina, its tied up and straightened

- which leaves me to think shes those cases of blonde suddenly turn brunette as they grow older but in her case its like hella obvious. I dont think her mom would let her dye her hair so the dying hair thing is out of the question for me

- this mostly stems from the ova where she has blonde hair + some ppls interpretation of hayami in which she has brown hair and i think thats so swag

- i think hayami has hazel eyes.. just bc it just seems fitting that she does yk. and also brown hair + hazel eyes combo hayami ? God Bless

- how others see hayamis eyes can depend on the lighting.. like when its sunset it appears more brown to others or when its morning, it appears more green. could even be gold in a very specific moment

- its mentioned that hayami is more expressive in the beginning of assclass and gets more stoic later on.

- And then i think abt how matsui tried to box hayami into the tsundere stereotype even tho it just makes me see her more as a person w communication problems and issues handling her facial expressions

- i think hayami naturally just has like an angry face (furrowed brows and all that)..

- combined w her communication problems, hayami is pretty much just misunderstood by her classmates as someone whos difficult and irritable (one example is the boys group chat thing where okajima expresses that he likes hayami and in turns maehara is like "eeeehh... uhhhhh.. dunno dude shes kinda scary")

- its also Very Important to me that hayami has said tsundere-esque lines.. Like the infamous "Dont get the wrong idea" when saving itona and also her line in the popularity ranking ("Its not like im happy or anything" or smth of that nature)

- Ik why she said those but Why is she saying them specifically? like whys she trying to Stay Neutral/not opinionated abt her ranking in particular.

- shes so catcore. Hayami was a latchkey child from a very young age. we dont rlly have any info on hayamis life from her graduation forward aside from some in the korotan, the epilogue and like some meta info,,

hayami was relied on a lot and had to do others dirty bidding. i imagine her believing that it was some form of friendship, some way of maintaining their relationship (considering the absence of her father and mother and her chasing for validations)

i think her previous classmates were afraid of her at the beginning, but when realized that hayami had good intentions, they used her loneliness to benefit themselves

(UTTER OVERTHINKING) do you think that her being "sassy" or smth of that nature is to barricade others from getting too close in hopes of not being fooled/used for dirty works again, its also her nature in general But like at the same time, its prob one of the only approach of communication shes used to (knowing what happens after and all that). Do you think she has disorganized (leaning a bit more on anxious) attachment. Do you think that her communication problems already make her appear to be cold but her interpersonal difficulties drive it further . Why does she have such little connections to the girls despite being seen w them often. do you think abt yada, whos multitalented, jealous of hayami ,whos noted by others for mostly her sniping talent and the rest is ignored. do y

its so weird to me that hayami stagnated in her development? (her being a receptionist, the whole "she strives to be a coworker everyone can rely on" and also singlehandedly fishing chiba out of unemployment)

its great that shes honed her receptionist skills but in the end, its mostly just for helping someone else. and the fact that chiba isnt depicted as like being against it is kinda off.. hayamis known for her stretching thin of herself and chiba, being arguably hayamis closest friend, would. at least realize that she has a self-sacrificing tendency (seeing how observant he is yk)

?? apparently she singlehandledly handles every business and sales matters. insane. also,, ig its fitting that hayami chose a fast-paced position for her job but idk man. Idk its still insane to me that hayami is chibas receptionist..

on a lighter note she cut her hair at some point in the future so thats cool

demi hayami forever. shes 100% demi. i also think shes unlabeled, like she doesnt rlly care what she is tbh. others ask her abt it and shes like "idk up to interpretation" (ooc)

its so funny to me. that in korotan c, apparently she showed up to watch asano having a lil date w princess lea? bc it mentioned her name later on helping lea from the "bodyguards" (along w chiba too.. this makes their viewing their classmates from afar in the animated koro q funnier tbh)

hayami in the skiing club.....

i think her interest/reason for joining is mostly that she wanna try it and also bc i think she saw it on tv a few times and got fascinated by the ppl skiing/snowboarding

dunno where the clubs got the budget to apparently Go Fucking Skiing frequently,, or how the club would even operate (in Middle School no less). but i think itd be pretty funny if the club disbanded some time later and hayami joined a dance club instead (which would make more sense)

i think hayami had done ballet before. as a kid. Just a hc but she wanted smth to do rather than. Sitting watching tv bc no ones home

horrible horrible thought but hayami seems semi like those kids whose parents are on the verge of a divorce (projection) 💀

i think one of the reasons why i tend to read hayami as having avpd is. just the fact that she pays attention to 'the class dynamic and harmony and such'? im not 100% sure on the meaning of that sentence but that just reminds me of my experience w avpd and i Have To hc her as having it

as a final thing :

#anatsu kyoushitsu #hayami rinka #rinka hayami #assclass hcs #assassination classroom #assclass #miscellaneous #ramblings #ramble post #self indulgent #ive seen ppl making their fav characters their ocs #after like literal yrs of being in a fandom #me @ hayami tbh #me @ assclass in general #guilty pleasure : crossover universe of oc-ified medias #i might make a post abt #why i hc hayami rinka as having avpd

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creativebrainrot · 5 months

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open journal entry

most of my holiday depression isnt like- im not feeling it right now. but its still kind of there. im still extra sensitive atm to all the gunk ive talked about before.

but its nice to be distracted by Life Things(tm) from all that tv static in my head.

I do wish i could more easily eradicate all thoughts of,

"they all have someone better than you" "you aren't special to anyone" "you'll never be someone's favorite" "you are not wanted"

All of those thoughts hurt like hell like my heart is getting ripped out of my chest. that kind of hurt. no matter how many times i think them. it hurts like new.

but like i said in a previous journal entry, that, conviction that all those thoughts are actually true and real, it just takes time for it to be revealed it was true the entire time, and i am the only exception to kindness and good will. It goes so deep idk how to unlearn it. i think for now at least i have no choice except to just learn how to live with those thoughts (hate. but therapy expensive and annoying and difficult. so. Later(TM))

my point was.

theres a lot of. tv static up stairs right now. I wish i could just turn it off and act like everything was normal.

but it isnt normal right now. and im gonna have a lot of times where I need to just hide away in DMs and not talk to anyone except people i already know.

i'll probably go through this next december too.

it doesnt end or turn off. I will have trouble with the holidays probably for the rest of my life but i WOULD like to enjoy new year's again :(

I kinda wish it was more acceptable to ask for validation/reassurance? like it's so weird to me that's not "socially acceptable" or that its like "weird" to ask "hey we're still good right?"

because: "(the worms in my brain have been torturing me for the last week and I need to know that we're still chill directly from you sorry)"

and thats insanely difficult to work through on my own without any external reassurance but oh my god id rather gnaw my own foot off than deal with being ""too autistic"" to any of my friends.

(NOTE!!!! i know for a fact that three of my closest friends would be completely fine and very understanding if I DID ask them that question/need reassurance ily guys <3)

idk man. brain. difficult. life hard. /positive

excited for the stability we'll have next year though oh my god i love the city holy shit this everything my previous shitass house wasn't oh my god i am so happy i would love to make this place specifically work out if it doesnt thats fine but holy shit i wanna stay here man

also. financial insecurity. (derogatory.)

Overall: 8.9/10 we are doing great and so are the pets. I wish we could re home katey but a big nervous anxious old dog is A Lot and no one has been able to take her in. I can tell it weighs on my dad that no one can take her in and love her. let alone how much it hurts to rehome an animal at all, even when itd be better for the animal too.

anyway we're doing well, i want my schedule back i have friends to bother with oc ship nonsense (/affectionate) again and i have things i need to get out of my brain but I Can't!!!!! [legoyodadeath.mp3]

#creativelyrottedmind #rotthoughts #open journal #many thouhgt. woahg.

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mueritos · 2 years

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Do you have any college advice for someone starting next week who is trans (FtM) and technically pre-transition (and is very obviously queer and gnc)?

Oh phew. This is rough because I started university in the exact same position. I was pre-transition and visibly queer/GNC. I'll insert a read more

The best thing I can say is 1. make sure you dont make the same mistake that I did and go to a PWI (predominantly white institution). That's difficult to avoid, however, but the kind of white people who r at your school could make or break your experience. I unfortunately go to a PWI full of rich adidas/nike/hollister white kids who have never spoken to a BIPOC/Queer person in their life. But, there r plently of awesome white students who r from Philly or BIPOC communities, and they know exactly how to be good people.

If you unfortunately ARE going to a Uni thats the worst kind of PWI, I'm sorry, and I hope that your experience is much better than mine. The next best thing I can say is find queer people who are like you, and who have similar morals. I've encountered many a queer students who turn out to be flat out ignorant about other BIPOC/Queer issues, and I hope you do not encounter them. Run to your schools Diversity/LGBTQ association as fast as possible. I mean it, make connections and introduce yourself to the people working in the office and get to know the club members and presidents if theyre there. Most colleges have a club fair of sorts the first month of school; dont miss it, you'll likely find other clubs that the cool people migrate too, things like D&D or Tabletop clubs, sewing/crafts, etc. The Diversity/LGBTQ office will provide you community, resources, and just a place to be. Becoming involved earlier gives you a sense of security and a place at ur uni if you dont feel it elsewhere, but DO NOT. And I really mean it, DO NOT invest yourself in trying to "fix" your college. If there are institutional issues, you can tell people about them, but dont ever let them make you fix it for them. I have been taken advantage of time and time again, and it has put my entire personal safety on the line to improve the racist and putrid environment at my school. Save that energy for yourself, your friends, and your community on campus.

Lastly, I would say be as unapologetic as you can, but I cant hide that Ive had days where I've dressed down, avoided eye contact, walked with my head down around campus because I was anxious and terrified. Other days are much easier. Your safety and well being are much more important, but I do hope you never have to find a place in yourself to put on a brave face every time you step onto campus. Medically transitioning in public was also extremely stressful for me (its already stressful in general), but if you intend to medically transition while in school, be kind to yourself, because I often wasn't.

I'm not trying to scare you, but I do want to prepare you in case things go toward a more stressful end. You're going to have a great time in college experiencing independence and freedom, and you're going to grow so much :) I just hope you grow from the good and not the bad. Best of luck my friend, and if you ever need me, my pms are open :)

#muertoresponds #college

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jazprrz · 3 months

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temporary pinned/intro

hi it says this in my blog desc but im vesper/jasper im a digital artist from england i use he/it (https://prns.cc/xzlkq) i liek 2 draw the stuff that i liek and that stuff includes but is not limited to:

invader zim, splatoon (special interest for around 8 years now), homestuck + hiveswap, portal, vocaloid

expect me to mainly post abt those, i am multifandom and my fixations switch a lot so pls dont follow me solely exclusively for one of these things

if theres anythign important to know i am autistic and anxious and also may have some form of depression too (specifically sad) please be patient and bear w me if im having A Moment™️ thank u & my anxiety makes it difficult for me to post sometimes, tone tags r appreciated but pls dont overuse them and im fine without them if the tone is obvious, i dont really post art super mega often all the time and i dont have a specific posting schedule i just post whenever i feel like it (or whenever i work up the courage to do so LMAO), also I Am Not American my timezone is Vastly Different from americas

dni: basic criteria, if i apply to ur criteria, nsfw/18+ only blogs (im 16), pr0ship or whatever closeted pedophiles call themselves these days (this includes irken x human shippers & people "neutral" on the subject), zionist/pro-israel, not critical of ur interests, partake in cringe culture, radinclus, aspec/pan/xenogender/neopronoun exclus, dr34m/d$mp likers (will update this if i think of anything else)

if u have any nitpicks abt any of the things listed above and feel the need to be aggressive abt it just block me and move on its rlly not worth ur time and effort to yell at some stranger online, i will answer genuine questions though

uhhh thats all the basic stuff i think . id like to make mutuals here and socialize more outside of just my friend group and my friends friends so if any1 would like to be mutuals just lmk ^_^ also like this post once read pls n thank u <3!!!

#pinned #will unpin this when i get a carrd or strawpage done #also im not new to tumblr i had a previous blog but i deleted and remade it to clean it out and have a fresh start #i went under the same url though so if you recognize me that is why Hello ^__^

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suit-of-cups · 11 months

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Hi, I’m new to the Tumblr pagan/polytheist-sphere, and I was inspired by my research on Sappho and Aphrodite (I'm slowly working on defining modern Sapphic rhetoric and modern Sapphic online and offline spaces) for my MA thesis to look into polytheism. I' also identify as a sapphic woman so this topic is in general very fun for me to learn about. I really like your blog, and I'm curious if you just worship deities, or do you worship heroes, spirits, etc. as well? Would you be interested in worshiping Sappho, for example? Also, would it be okay if I included your answer in my project? If not, totally cool! ☺️ and if so, thats great too. (I can def give you more info about what I'm doing if you'd like as well.)

Hi! I’d be more than happy for my answer to be in your project(if it makes sense, if not I'm happy to try and explain more). I may also put a few disclaimers in here just so that people don't think I'm against their beliefs, just that I don't personally follow them and I support others that may have differing beliefs,! (can you tell I get anxious easily)

I currently only worship deities simply because of their aspects of them being divine beings and having domain over situations, much like other religions I will look towards them for guidance in situations and for help in aiding me when I feel there is a need, and simply try to create a relationship with them. I will find myself more relying on deities/gods as I believe that while they won't influence everything or always answer my prayers, they do have the power to alter situations in their domain and if they were to answer then they would have the ability to do so. (when I say domain I mean the things they are known to have control over, such as Lord Apollon and music).

I have been looking into heroes, but (from what I've found and it may be incorrect) it’s a very different process than to the gods, you're more honouring them than worshipping. I've found myself thinking of heroes in situations that may be similar to theirs, but I am often not going to them for situations where I feel genuinely in need for guidance, as I would prefer to go towards one of my gods instead.

With spirits I find its a slight more difficult topic for myself as I distinguish them in 2 or 3 categorise.

(This part might be controversial, and I don't frown on those that do this, its just a personal opinion) If we're talking about spirits of those that have passed, such as ancestors, I'm a big believer in leaving the dead undisturbed and respecting their beliefs(such as how they're buried and what with), and as I have no knowledge of what their relationship to spirituality was I don't want to do something against their belief. Such as some people believe that communicating with the dead is some form of 'devil worship' so trying to work with them after their dead would be disrespectful of their beliefs, and while their opinion may have changed after being dead or be willing to communicate, I would much rather keep my distance and leave them to rest, as while others have reasons to communicate with these spirits, I don't.

Additionally, I wouldn't include heroes into that section as spirits as I feel they have been communicated with for years and many people have positive relationships with them so I feel as though we have an understanding on their belief with communication after death.

If we're more referencing spirits in the daemones sense (personified spirits), then I do actively worship them, such as Lady Mnemosyne, and I hold them to the same level if divinity as the rest of the Olympians, much like I do with the Titans. I find that that I may think of them or worship them during times of heightened specific emotions, such as if I'm having a period of disrupted sleep, I may pray towards Lord Hypnos, or if I'm looking for justice in a situation I may look towards Lady Dike as well as other gods.

If we're talking about spirits that don't fit into these categorise then I have very little interaction or opinion on them, but if people have other information on them I'd be willing to look into it and it may alter my opinion.

(I would personally place Sappho into the 'heroes' section) I’m not sure if I would worship Sappho simply because of what I personally relate her too, which is literature and writing. While I do enjoy these things, and may look to her for inspiration if I'm writing or reading something, but its not the most prominent aspect of my life and I would be more likely to turn to the gods in these situations. I also know some people may worship her in relation to her sexuality and relation to love, but, while I very rarely pray for love related matters anyway, I would feel more comfortable looking towards gods that have domain over it, however I can see why some people may try to get advice from heroes.

Also sorry for the late reply, I was trying to gather my thoughts on the subject and lay it out in a way that makes sense, and feel free to send another ask if you want any more info or if this doesn't explain it well. (I may also edit it if I find any mistakes or feel I could explain better, but I hope this makes sense)

#the cup spilleth over #hellenic polytheism #hellenic deities #hellenic gods #hellenic pantheon #hellenic pagan #hellenic polytheist #hellenic polytheistic #hellenic polythiest #hellenism

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canthelps · 9 months

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Summer North's incredibly personal Fouth Album-A Little More Time- is OUT NOW! listen here

Happy Birthday @lcvewaslcst

Song explanations under the cut

The Alcott (The National and Taylor Swift)

summer wrote this after the meeting with their lawyers and going to the bar together. its the surprise that molly still wants anything to do with her, about how difficult it is for her to be with her after she knows shes hurt her so much. she doesnt want to get ahead of herself, because she still thinks that shes unworthy of mollys love. “how many times will i do this and you’ll still believe?”

Sunshine Baby (The Japanese House)

written while they were starting to get back together. shes worried that shes gonna fuck it up again but all she wants is just to be back with her wife and its all she can focus on. she just wants life to be easier “well ive gone a little crazy, surely someones gonna save me. i dont know whats right anymore, i dont wanna fight anymore”

I Love You but I Need Another Year (Liza Anne)

much darker sound, written in the depths of the break up. about how she broke up with molly because of her own mental health. she doesnt know how to deal with her mind. “you’re sticking around but how can you stand it? I can’t salvage your mind while im losing mine. and nobody should have to deal with this. but i need you i dont wanna leave you” Also a sick song live because she gets to show off her guitar skills and headbang. probs a fan favourite live. the whole thing sounds like a panic attack

Emily I’m Sorry (Boygenius)

Called Molly I’m Sorry (obviously). An apology song to molly, pretty obvious. she’s sorry for what she did. she shouldn’t have done it. she loves her too much. written a few weeks after the lawyer meeting/the bar. summer coming to terms that she could come back “im twenty seven and i dont know who i am but im becoming someone only you could want”

A Little More Time (Role Model)

Is about summer struggling being in LA, far away from her home and family. Molly is the only thing holding her to LA, so when they break up she doesn’t quite know how to feel about it. Its about her realising that the only thing that will make her love LA again is being with Molly. “in a city with no seasons, in a house thats not a home….am i permanently broken, or is it just the sunshine blues?”

Bad Idea (Girl In Red)

They hooked up while broken up. its literally just about that. they should not be booty calling each other when theyre broken up and trying to figure things out but they do. its a banger and the fans love it. summer wasn’t sure about putting it on the album bc it makes it sound like she cheated. but she and molly both know thats not true and thats all that matters. also the use of darling links back to the previous album

Big Star (Lorde)

another song about how she doesn’t deserve molly. summer does refer to herself as a cheater in this song but once again she never cheated on molly! just a lovely song about how amazing molly is and how much summer loves her. ignore that the original is about a dog. its romantic. “toss up if its worth it every time i get on a plane. i’ve got so much to tell you and not enough time to do it in” was probably written before the break up. when her downwards spiral was starting

Not Strong Enough (Boygenius)

I DONT KNOW WHY I AM THE WAY I AM NOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BE YOUR MAN. literally its just summers mental issues getting in the way of her being happy lmao who can relate! was written on the same day as sunshine baby bc shes what? TALENTED.

Gemini Moon (Renee Rapp)

another song about how summer believes she is actually the worst!! anxious avoidant attachment who? no its just her gemini moon. “i bet youre sick of it, believe me so am i….but really i should just be better to you” honestly this one is a maybe for the album but ive been working on this playlist for months and i want to get it done

Anti-Hero (Taylor Swift but the Keaton Henson Version)

do i really need to say it? its me hi im the problem its me?

Everything (Muna)

shes helplessly in love with molly and everything is about her even when theyre broken up. was written deep in the break up when all she could think about was her wife “four hundred and counting and my only question is how would you feel if one was me. would you wish we made love again, would you want to revisit the marks on my skin, cause the world could be burning and all id be thinking is how are you doing baby”

Show Up (Samia)

its a song for her fans, about how no matter whats going on in her life she will always show up and perform for them as long as they still want her to

#yes i went a bit extra with the tracklist but!!#summer has many emotions and its an important album #ship: summer and molly

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9800sblog · 8 months

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Thinking he'll see ghosts if he gets involved in tarot-thats literally me,couple of years ago when I got into spirituality,tarot etc I was so scared watching tarot videos,even sometimes I get scared while watching some particular type of videos,usually the one's with talking to spitit guides or passed on loved ones,I've decided and then undecided to connect directly to my spirit guides,they are allowed to give me message in my dreams or in other non scary ways tho they don't seem to do so much,maybe I can't see it,last year I was trying to astral project for few months cause I noticed I've been doing a lot of the things people tell you to do for astral projection and maybe it was meant to be,after many half attempts,lucid dream nightmares(nightmares are common for me in general yikes) and few almosts I gave up,I thought I could talk directly to my spirit guides there but I just couldn't be nonchalant about oh you might see a shadow figure,you might come across tricksters,for me I need to know everything about something and prepare for it properly,also if you tell me this might or might not happen my brain will cling to it happening so I'm on guard so it's hard for me to take chances with this,even I am spiritual,I have severe anxiety disorder(untreated atm due to things out of my control)and that probably has some hand in this,have you ever felt this way? how do you deal with being scared of things like this?

oh my god when I started getting into these things, I was sooooo scared!! i started doing telepathy communication with my future spouse and sometimes I'd just see or feel the person in my room and I'd FREAK OUT, turn on all the lights, look every corner to see if there's something or someone, then distract myself somehow so I wouldn't think of it while also being vigilant, just in case.

how did it get better? literally just figuring out what's going on and how things work. before being into spirituality, I was super into science, so my spiritual knowledge is intertwined with scientific explanations, makes things less scary. because science explains everyday life in simple ways, spirituality is literally a type of science. I don't like when people explain spirituality in complicated terms or make it feel like magic or something exclusive, spirituality is everyday life and habits. spiritual practices like tarot cards are just supposed to make it easier, it's not a big deal.

I don't personally believe spirits can interact with the physical world, that's why I'm not a fan of talking to spirit guides too often, it can confuse the shit out of you. so that horror movie thing where ghosts pull your feet at night is literally impossible, they can't harm you physically or force you into anything. I think they can bring ideas into your head, but only if you ask and you'll only follow if you're susceptible or agree.

I personally don't like watching general tarot videos and things like that because that type of media usually reaches a bigger audience - it's more difficult to interpret the messages and too many people "popularize" their beliefs for money and attention. I'd say if you don't feel comfortable in a video, just move along, it's not a big deal at all.

I think most of us are chilling when it comes to shadow beings, I like to think of them as black holes - if you came into contact with one, you wouldn't be able to avoid it and it would cause major destruction, but how many stories have you heard of someone dying in a black hole? the other "dark spirits", I think of them as natural disasters like hurricanes, you can easily protect yourself from it, some people are more susceptible to it's consequences, but also most people can and do recuperate from it. and if you're prepared, it's not that big of a deal.

i hope this helps! it's just my personal thing, but figuring out how science explains spiritual beliefs is the best thing for anxious people that are into these things hehe

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fox-buried-in-maple-leaves · 1 year

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all of these for frozen shadow :D

What were their first impressions of one another?

Honestly? Decord sort of found Galin annoying. They were too friendly and too.. helpful. Given his trust issues when the team is first formed, their behaviour didn't sit well with him.

Galin saw Decord as a powerful ally! There's a game to be played here, stupidity to hide brains. So Galin definitely saw Decord as a pawn at first.

What was their first date like? If they haven’t been on a date yet, how would it go?

It was sort of chaotic… It also ended up with the waiter getting punched by Decord. But it's fine! So their dinner date went from running away from the restaurant to taking a walk along the pond in Liyue. (,:

It’s late at night and your characters want food, what do they order/find in the fridge?

Galin is most likely to suggest ordering something. Decord will end up cooking though. Most likely something comforting from Snezhnaya or Fontaine. Though sometimes if Galin bats their eyelashes enough, he'll order their favourites.

What’s a typical Sunday like for them?

Depends if Sandrone needs them for something. If he doesn't. They can be found in Galin's room. with Decord reading out loud in their bed, Galin sprawled across his torso. It's time to themselves, yk?

What’s their love language like? Are they compatible with one another?

Decord, R: Quality Time, Words of Affirmation Decord, G: Acts of Service, Gifts Galin, R: Quality Time, Physical Touch Galin, G: Physical Touch, Gifts

Do they have any pet names/nicknames for eachother?

Decord: Ma moitie, Mon étoile, darling. Galin: Love of my life, my better half, sweetheart, bab(e/y), habibi.

What do they argue about?

Death mostly lol. But more seriously; their work, who they want to be, where they want to go in life. Galin is young and Decord is exhausted. And their positions are not easy.

Who does what chores, and why?

Decord cooks and does the laundry, Galin does pretty much every other chore. But thats because they claim he does it 'wrong' lmfao.

What’s the most difficult thing they’ve been through together?

They died in one another's arms so there's that. Or when Galin had to kill him. The latter really shook their relationship and it took a bit to recover from that.

How do they make up after a fight?

Sex and takeout.

Who causes the most arguments?

Outside factors will start arguments and then Decord will get agitated which will cause Galin to get anxious. If that makes sense lol?

What would they say each other’s worst quality is?

Galin, abt Decord: Flakyyyyy Decord, about Galin: Never quite tells the truth.

What would they say each other’s best quality is?

Galin, abt Decord: Loyalty! Decord, about Galin: They'll always show up when it matters.

How would they describe one another if asked?

You can have Decord's VL about Galin and a new one from Galin abt Decord:

Decord: “They have given up their title for the Fatui, but they’re too naive to understand what this organisation will take from them. I do my best but… Forget it.”

Galin: "He's overprotective and always by my side, but I can't very well complain! He's always telling me I deserve more than the Fatui, I'm so young and all that. But how can I leave him here, you know?"

What names are they saved as on each other’s phone?

Dec: Ice Prince Galin: <3<3<3 Ghost Boy <3<3<3

What would they consider quality time?

Galin laying on Decord's chest while the latter reads out loud and/or cooking together. And by cooking together I mean Galin sat on the counter while Dec cooks.

Who decides which movies to watch?

Galin, lmao. Dec isn't too picky with movies. He just wants them to be happy.

How are they like on a road trip together?

THEY NEVER STOP FIGHTING OVER THE TUNES

It’s raining, did either of your OCs bring an umbrella? If so, who, and do they share it?

They both forgot. But Decord uses his coat to cover Galin's head.

What are they like when sharing a bed?

Galin is a huge cuddler and Decord gets so embarrassed he sometimes just.. whooshes away. Ghost things.. But its fine. he always comes back!

Who is better at games? Does the loser take it graciously?

Decord is better and Galin HATES it. Lin is such a sore loser its so funny i love them.

Do they ever share clothes?

Dec doesn't fit in Galin's clothes, but they steal the fuck out of his shit thats for sure. THOUGH, Decord does STEAL Galin's clothes. For when he misses them.

Your OCs are on a trip and there’s only one bed! What do they do?

Cuddle, probably fuck LMAO- uh h word aside, they'll probably also just talk? sometimes sitting down and catching up is necessary, especially with their line of work.

What do your characters think about marriage? Are they for or against it?

They're for it cause they both wanna spite their respective noble families lmao… But for a long time, Decord never saw himself getting married. He didn't think he deserved that sort of happiness.

Pick a physical attribute that they love about each other.

Galin loves Decord's scars, they'll trace them and whisper sweet nothings to him. Decord loves Galin's hair, he'll spend hours playing with it.

Do any of them have bad habits that the other can’t stand?

Oh my god Decord hates that Galin j eats peppers out of the jar in front of him. not even a plate, or a bowl, or in the kitchen. Just ANYWHERE AND FROM THE JAR. IT'S SO GROSS. Galin hates when Decord gets them kicked out of places for just stealing things. Babe you didn't need to take that, I know you literally cannot help it but we gotta get u some therapy this is Ridiculous. Who is more down to earth?

Galin Maher babyyyyy Are they affectionate in public? Is it too much?

They tend to interlock pinkies or Galin will lean on Decord. Small acts of affection that can be easily passed off. Decord doesn't really do PDA, and especially not in their line of work, it's too dangerous in his opinion. How are they affectionate in private?

Decord still gets embarrassed even if their friends see, but he's better about it. Sometimes will walk around the bunker with Galin clinging to his chest or back lol.. How does your OC react to being broken up with?

Galin would cry on the SPOT and beg to know why, beg for him to tell them what they did wrong because they can't not know. Decord however would just nod and woosh away, only to cry the moment he knows he's alone. Do they fall in love easily?

Galin fell very quickly for Decord, whereas Decord didn't know he had fallen in love at all until he was DOWN HORRENDOUS. Your character is in love, do they confess? If not, how long do they wait?

Galin confesses through tears clinging to a recently came back to life Decord. They'd known for a while but were afraid and unsure of how to tell him. And then they watched him die, unaware of his nature. And they nearly lost him, they felt him die, and they got lucky, he came back. And so through quivering lips and tears streaking down their face, they tell him, with a bleeding heart. Decord planned on never saying a thing. Who was the first to say ‘I love you’?

Oh spoiled this one. Galin! Who is more stubborn?

Decord lmao. What moment did they realise that they were in love?

Decord handed Galin his skeleton key one day without really thinking about it and that was it. He didn't know why, wasn't sure what compelled him. Galin however? When the cold hearted ghost who always prefers to be alone ties up his hair and bakes a cake because its Khris' birthday and everybody else is too busy and he's going to try and make their day anyways, and that ghost isn't so cold, he's just lonely. And they get it. They get him. How long have they been friends? Would they consider each other best friends?

Galin has been trying to get close to Decord since day one in order to use him. Decord however kept his distance for a while. But iirc Galin joined Razvedka at 17? and they started dating when they were 19 so. How did they become friends?

Comrades in arms! Who’s more ticklish?

GALIN. If your OCs has/had a child, who would be the stricter parent?

Decord, 100%. He doesn't even mean to be, he just is. What do they do when they miss one another? Is one more needy than the other/s?

Galin is needier but Decord acts more on his feelings. Galin will hug a pillow and wail while pretending its Decord. Decord will show up wherever Galin is and cuddle them outta the blue lmao. What green flags do they have for one another?

Galin watches Decord claim he hates getting close, and then watches the way he throws himself in front of Sandrone, or watches the way he comforts Khris, or watches the way he mutters to himself about this being a fabric Kisa might like, and the way he gives Inessa a part of his pay so she can get extra money back home for her family and wow his loyalty and attention to detail..

Despite their age, Galin knows what they want and knows how to ask for it. They're vulnerable and open and they communicate their needs to him. Despite their inability to fully tell the truth at times, their needs are never ever hidden. And Decord greatly appreciates that, he wants to know what to do. Have they ever been jealous?

Decord is the most jealous mf wtf. "you know other men?" lookin ass. Is one more introverted/extroverted than the other?

Introverted x Extroverted the OTP. Who’s the better cook?

DECORD. Do NOT let Galin anywhere near an oven please oh my god. Are they good at comforting one another? Does someone hide their feelings usually?

Mm both really bad at it at first. But surprisingly its Decord who opens up a little bit, it's Decord who misses Emil and sits there and holds Galin and pets their hair the way he used to do for him, who whispers there's more for them out there than this, like he used to do. Would they have been friends with each other in school?

Galin would have been the popular kid who befriended him accidentally during a school project. Who made the first move?

Galin! Do they get on well with each other’s family? Is family important to them?

Well Galin doesn't know where their family is... And everyone but Marquis Harcourt from Dec's side likes them so! Win. And yes, family is important, but not necessarily just their blood family. Do they tease each other? What about?

Galin loves to tease Decord about the fact sometimes he just disappears when he gets too flustered. And Decord loves to tease Galin in uh. usually very nsfw ways. He doesn't often tease them for other things? Some light banter maybe, but that's about it. Is there anything that scares them about their friendship/relationship?

Decord wasn't sure what he was gonna do once Galin died. He was so scared. But uhm.. He sort of ruined that for them. And he feels bad about it.

#☾*✲⋆. Essence of Myrrh #From The Fate ; Rowan #⋆｡°✩ Frozen Shadow

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pansyfemme · 1 year

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Hi Jude! I'm so anxious about my first appointment... stuff came up and I had to change locations and providers (still informed consent but not planned parenthood anymore). But! Otherwise I'm really very excited.

Your drink sounds really good. I love lavender in all forms but I've never drank it :0! I wish there was a cafe close to me! Alas. Country boy pretty much right now.

Has your day been good? I hit post limit? How are classes? (I assume they've started back up for everyone by now?) Find any new music? I found a song byyy The Ooze(s)? I think. It's short but SO good and loud and I could play it on repeat for HOURS!!!

Hi elias!! i saw u hit post limit, i admire ur devotion to #cecilsweep but you have killed my dash today oh my god 😔 /j (ily keep doin what ur doing, but holy shit dude) im so excited for you to start t! im sorry about the rearranging, it was the same way when i started- its always difficult to set stuff up at first!

I adore lavender in pretty much anything. My family are absolute freaks when it comes to how much tea we consume so we order several flowers and herbs in bulk, lavender being one of them and i make lavender syrup all the time when im home. It’s rlly tasty in coffee, but has a reputation of its own for being the east coast gay drink lmao, and is often overpriced. i live within walking disatance from four local coffee shops so im a bit spoiled lmao!!

my day’s been good, i woke up at like noon as most weekends start for me, i have some observation hw to start on (i have plenty of time tho.) but im pretty excited since i adore the professor im taking observation II from and he is nice enough to allow me to use color in all my assignments <3 Usually ur supposed to just do b/w charcoal but thats so fucking boring oh my god and this professor is a huge fan of my color work so he knows how much a chore b/w is for me. I’m thinkin of maybe drawing my hrt? idk i have to think abt it but i thought it would be fun.

as for music, on my way up to college on tuesday dad and i listened to the one pansy division cd we have like 3 times in a row and i havent rlly gotten over it yet and have been listening to their cover of liz phair’s ‘flower’ on repeat ever since. im honestly surpised we dont own more pansy division, my dad’s seen them a few times and theyre on one of his fave labels (lookout!) so it’s kinda odd we only have the one cd. but yknow, streaming is a thing, im just a snob and like physicals a bit more. I’ve been scouring bandcamp as usual for more twee and have been rlly digging a band called the harriets from osaka i believe, who have all of three songs out but i really like. I also bought a few of the max levine ensamble’s albums on bandcamp, theyre available on streaming but bandcamp doesnt have the sound limits other streaming services have and that band is best heard LOUD thru headphones. (i think some bands sound better when u can barely discern the sound LMAO) Theyre a pop punk band from dc that i started listening too exclusivly bc one of their members (spoonboy) is genderqueer and i wanted to hear more genderfuck type music. (tho pansy division is fufilling my every need for more songs abt gay male femmes rn oh my god. Listen 2 their cover of femme fatele, it makes me grin so hard. ) I’m on an honest search for queercore thats not like. how do i describe it? like neo-hardcore? like yknow, the very harsh and almost electronic hardcore thats popular rn but doesnt totally resemble older hardcore. I found a few bands i liked (DUMP HIM is pretty good, i also like yonic boom, which i searched for hours to make sure they weren’t terfs and can confirm they have at least one trans member if that helps a little👍) i also have learned that trying to find music that isnt hyperpop or death metal in the transcore tags on bandcamp is pretty impossible, tho i keep trying! what can i say, im a dude driven by horrible production quality, lts wild to me how polished some hardcore sounds nowadays when the main reason i like it is bc its grainy and harsh and hard to listen to. My love for twee but disdain for modern indie follows suit with that, if it doesnt sound like it was recorded on a budget of one dollar i dont want it!!! (with a few exceptions, i still cant shake my power pop infused childhood.) oh god that last paragraph is probably unreadable but yknow. autism

thanks for sending me an ask ily💖💖💖💖

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done-drinking · 2 months

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Have i fucking ever given you a reason to think im a scumbag, think real fucking hard. After everything we went through, all the support, all the "love" and appreciation for eachother. I have been nothing but there for you. I have done nothing but try to be understanding towards you and patient. Sometimes we didnt communicate and it made things difficult, but was i a scumbag? Did i ever do anything to you or anyone to make you think i didnt try my best to be there or helpful or a good fucking person. I dont like drama, i dont hate anyone, i dont want to see anyone upset or angry, especially you. You deserve the fucking world, everyone does. So what the fuck happened man, what makes you think i was actually talking shit about you. Whos twisting my words or your mind and why was it so easy for you to disregard all ive been towards you over the past year. Best manager ive ever had and one of my best friends, you got me my job and ive been slowly recovering and pleased to be there. Now what, you think im so much of an asshole you guys banned me from the stores and were ready to press charges over something i said? What did i say, fucking call me and tell me. Cuz i dont fucking know. If you think i drunk talked to people i havent. I havent been drunk at work since you told me to never do it again, and that was when i was working for you. Drunk now? Drunk texting people at my job now? No, and no. Im about to go to work and be anxious about how everyone there probably thinks im a scumbag now, whole town probably lowkey thinks it because thats the kind of place it is. All regulars, lots of drama. If i wanted to make your life hell i couldve told everyone we fucking slept together, an obvious lie and we both know it but everyone else would question and talk about it. That would be a scumbag move. Would i? No, never, even now being as pissed off as i am. I respected your requests. The "dont text back, delete those posts, etc". I lied to him about kissing you, all of it to help try and keep your mental state okay while mine fucking broke. Ive only ever spoken highly of you at my job. Ive lied so much to the people asking why i quit working for you to save your image because i still fucking care about you. "I left because i didnt enjoy some of the people i worked with and it was just a stressful environment to work in, or just needed to feel like i was moving up in the world or needed a change of pace". You dont think im important anymore or am not a good person? Who are you. What the fuck happened to you man. We were good friends and you were so quick to toss me aside fucking multiple time. Getting past the "relationship" was a good reason to toss me aside. It def helped us both give up on that, but tossing aside our friendship like we didnt have one. Tossing me aside now, thinking ive just became an asshole in the past few weeks and am trying to shit on your life? Are you just saying all this to try and get past me or what idk man, if you are and care about me at all anymore then please fucking stop because youre hurting me even more. Like what the fuck man. Im so pissed off at you right now, and i should hate you but i just fucking cant and thats pissing me off even more. Forgive all my swearing to any christians reading this if anyone reads this at all, but i try to be a man of God and you know that too. So i forgive you for thinking im some cunt now. I forgive you for the emotional rollercoaster waiting for you to change was. You said you ruined my life, you didnt. You damaged me and broke me but i forgive you, im repairable. I still have my whole life ahead of me. I wasnt it, i wasnt enough, i wasnt the one, i wasnt important, everything you said i was, wasnt, even though you said you meant everything you say to me. Its all very clear to me now thank you. I forgive you. Youve really pissed me tf off though. Youve always wondered/wanted to see me get pissed off, well here it is, congrats you did it.

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wangkuans · 2 months

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ventpost incoming!

im sorry to ventpost but talking to the guidance counselor at school has to entail an appointment first and the website doesn't offer the option for my program so . last time i just walked in but im not sure i can exactly do that again,,,

anyway this semester has really been kicking my ass and there's a lot of things that have been making me feel worse? being separated from my usual block and group of friends is rlly tough,, and adjusting to a new set of classmates is also difficult,, especially cause i try to talk to them but they dont always reciprocate the same energy. and they're not being mean at all, its just different and its been hard to adjust.

my org work has also been really tough lately,, not in the sense that ive been overly busy, but idk if im doing a good job lately, and its making me insanely anxious. i also dont rlly know once again where i stand with all my orgmates,, if we're just on friendly terms or if we're actually friends, and it makes it difficult to interact with them. its just making me anxious as hell

and theres a specific thing that has just. been making me go crazy but it sounds petulant and childish and i hate feeling or even thinking it but. all this time ive been overworking myself with org stuff bc i dont think im all that good at my chosen field, and i have to buff up my portfolio w all these extracurriculars. and after this semester we'll all have to get internships and iiii have been so anxious ab it, bc i dont know where to go, or if i'll get accepted to places, or what kind of places i should be applying for. and recently, we had a project where we had to speak to marketing teams of real estate places, and my friend got invited to intern for them and it just.

she absolutely deserves it and shes also been working hard,, but at the same time it feels like all this work was really for nothing, bc ive been trying so hard with everything, but i currently have no invitations to any place or anything. and it just feels like. ill just keep trying and trying like i have been my whole life, and none of it will be worth it, and all of it will be for nothing. im in an org that makes me anxious, in a position i didnt ask for or want, spending time doing things i cant really add to my portfolio, and it wasn't even for anything. it's been for nothing this whole time, and im really tired.

my prescription for my antidepressasnts are also almost up,,, and i have to set an appointment for that, but i feel anxious about renewing my prescription too. i think i want to maybe take half a pill instead of a full one, and hopefully it'll do me good. but i feel bad for still having to take it. and if eel bad for still struggling. i wish i had a good couple years, where i ddin't need it or therapy at all.

anyway thats all. its so !!!! but its okay. ill be okay!! never back down never give up and all that

#delete later #sorry for the negative vibes shdjsjd

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shethinks2much · 5 months

Text

2/5/23: Love and Life, things I think about a lot - thoughts that I think about a lot.

I can find a home in anyone, even a broken one. But what does that say about me? Do I just not have my own home? Is my home broken? Or do I open my home too easily to others? Do I run to others or do I allow others to run into mine? Do I exhaust myself to others at the expense of myself? I do not know. I do not know if I know how to love correctly. I know how to love, I do not think I am extriciably toxic or any mannerisms as such, however, do I unequivocally know what it means to have a healthy love?

I do not know a respectful kind of love, where I can balance loving them AND myself. I know a love, a love of give or take, where I give all my all until I take back that all. I know a love where I put myself on the line, in postions that do not benefit me. I am either selfish, where I believe that any statement I hear is a lie, or I am selfless, where I allow small statements to encompass me. Why I fail to maintain this balance, I do not know. I know I can love and I love so deeply, but what I do not get (or maybe I do and I am just overexplaining the simple - that I did not look too hard to find it/ I looked too hard that I picked the first things thats approached me - I could glamorize a blank sheet of paper) is why love has not really worked out for me? Again, am I overthinking? Is this maybe not just the normal course trajectory of life, where you live and you learn, love and you lose, type of situation? Am I making my life more difficult by trying to understand everyone, including myself, and everything it?

I rationalize so much, yet fail to comphrend the obvious. Some things are not meant to be so pondered about, so why am I still so baffled by my past? I think I can accept it, but I just can’t help but admit that I think my past has molded and confined my future. It has subconciously altered my perspective on love and trust, ruined the relfection I have of myself, all the while has wonderfully humbled me, forcing me to realize and change my faults. But maybe again, I am just allowing my past to impede into my current and future as a safety blanket and clutch of last resort.

I went into love so airy and light, came out of it so muddled and heavy, yet honestly so empowered. I then again went into love so muddled and heavy, felt so airy and light, and then again, felt deecived and stupid, empowered yet so insecure. Did I surmise the downfall of my relationships or was I just vigilant towards the actions of others? Did I look at the glass half empty or was I just ahead of the curve? Was I the demise or was I just aware of what was about to come? Did I assume the end before there ever was any beginning or was I just being overtly realistic while prolonging that reality - just to be happy and to have that love at my fingertips?

I lack this trust in myself that allows me to distort any reality that comes my way. One could say “delulu”, or, one could say hyperviligant, anxious, and even if I must throw a compliment in - overly perceptive. Yet I struggle to accept the what is. Some things in life are meant to be understood and others are meant to understand. Not everything however, needs to be either. Sometimes things are exactly how they seem, exactly how and what they were said, yet my mind never eases me of this. My mind is not an escape of calamity, it is the projector of catastrophe.

I think ultimately my nature, one who normally looks at the glass half full, was changed due to the conditions become inherently alarming - I sensed red flags and rather confronting those red flags, yet rather seeing those red flags as external, I fully internalized them sending me into a whirlwind of poor self inflection. I was right! My mind was in fact, correct! But what I was wrong about, was allowing my spiral in self to be so full of doubt and elusive.

Sincerely,

Psyche Abyss

#lol #amisane #firstpostcheck #bestieandIblog

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corvid-corvette-coven · 7 months

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emails between my and my school psychiatrist, Kat (the beloved <3) || VENT!! || long post but i vented to prove my point to her aswell

Corvid-Corvette-Coven <[email protected]>

To: Kat (the beloved <3)

Wed 25/10/2023 9:22pm

Subject: <this field has been intentionally left blank>

we had a meeting scheduled for today right? Cos i wont be at school today It's gonna be a bad day for classes for me and I honestly just pussied out of it its more likely i have an underlying buildup of anxiety thats doing that but yeah

literally me /\

Kat (the beloved <3) <[email protected]>

To: corvid-corvette-coven

Fri 27/10 2023 11:21am

Subject: Re. <this field has been intentionally left blank>

Hi, How are you feeling today? I hope you are at school. Cause you know the longer you avoid anxious triggers, the more difficult they may become to face…just saying….

With Gratitude, Kat (the beloved<3 | Psychologist School Jesus School 100 School Street | PO Box 8008 | TOWN NSW 8008 ABN 17 690 720 860 P +61 6 9420 1080p E [email protected] W http://www.school.nsw.edu.au

Corvid-Corvette-Coven <[email protected]>

To: Kat (the beloved <3)

Fri 27/10 2023 12:24pm

Subject: This email took an hour to write lol (can you tell I used to do public speaking and debating)

I'm feeling good today, I've taken my meds (which is why this email is so long and detailed), and I plan to get work done. ('good' really means normal, and for me n o r m a l means I'm still carrying my constant emotional baggage but it's not necessarily bumming me out right now)

COUNTER ARGUMENT!!! The longer you stay in situations that stress you out the further that will continue to build, and really I am de-stressing to avoid burnout. THINGS THAT STRESS ME OUT (non exhaustive list) -Dysphoria from my friends (appearance and social gender envy from Ara Ara) (emotional, appearance, and social gender envy from Brisket) (emotional, appearance, and social gender envy from Paella) -General emotional uncertainty and inability to connect with my friends as deeply as I wish I could -Particularly painful classes as a result of disruptive students History, Christian Studies, (English + Math sometimes) (I've gotten over the initial misery I had with english) -Not having classes with ANY friends beyond my electives not only considering they can have classes together which allows them to have more developed friendships, but also the classes I do have with someone I know (that isn't an elective) I have with Shakira who is far from my first option and who I'm only really 'friends' with because of proximity and the fact she isn't too bad (even if a bit irritating, rude, and fickle) (the only nice thing about having Shakira there is she creates a barrier between me, and To Slo/ biggus (despite the fact they only sit near because she's there)) I tend to avoid recognising this in particular because it evokes the part of my thought process that thinks the state of reality now is what it will always be like (hopelessness) -Dysphoria in those classes not only from the perceived disconnect between my behaviour and the girls but from a general assumed association with the boys (the disruptive students) -The fact that dysphoria makes alot of good things more bitter than sweet for me, which can be disheartening for my friends And also that I'm so consistently upset and emotionally devastated that they have given up on trying to comfort me despite that being what I need so much in those situations -That fucking bald spot -Dysphoria from being apart of the boys sporting class and smelling horrific with sweat (even if I wear more than enough deodorant any smell is far too much) -Even food tech (one of the good classes) take some serious emotional manoeuvring to enjoy since I have to not stress out Ara Ara too much and adapt to what she wants to do. Being funny whilst not interruptive and not a too masculine way to avoid the emotional distress of potentially not being someone she enjoys being around (and avoid more dysphoria) ALL OF THAT brings more dysphoria when its cross compared with her relationships with Brisket and Paella and MORE dysphoria comes when I see the relationship she has with Mrs F, how she's able to talk to her and joke with her and everything -The general emotional uncertainty that I feel Ara Ara and I have, it feels like they are more and less unhappy with me every other week and I can't decipher which of the thousands of possible reasons that could be, or if its real at all and I'm just entirely incorrect about that. Exams are really an afterthought because they stress my brain out too much to think about the effect they'll have (same with my future (both the good and bad possibilities)) I think it might be a defence or coping mechanism but instead of reconciling and working with that stress I somehow have both an oblivious and aggressively optimistic outlook with a glass half full sort've way. "In less than a week and a half it'll be over" is generally what I try to remember. Not thinking about it much is bad for me because I can't seize every chance I could to study; thinking about THAT too hard will stress me out so I'm trying to just think about studying more instead of how I'm studying less that I should.

It's not something I can always feel buildup consciously, even if I'm feeling good in the morning I know when a day is going to be bad for me, so anxiety is the hypothesis. (I can also tell what days I'm going to be the most prone to dysphoria) that was most of the points I can remember at this time, though I know there's more stresses and arguments I could make but that summarises my current state fairly accurately. that being said, I am at home today and my excuse is it's actually better to have the whole day to study (even if I just spent the first few hours rotting)

#vent ish #It's definitely the meds consolidating all these thoughts for me but it's good to say everything I want #to someone who categorically SHOULD be able to hear that #names not referenced explicitly cos i can do what i want #get therapy #she/they

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