#open journal

[holodeck-enthusiast]

This is the only social media where I'm completely alone without anyone whom I personally know being here. This feels great!!!!!! Like I can be soooo off-guard rn without feeling guilty about it! Like I can scream all the chaos out of my system! I feel like Spock unleashing his emotions inside a room with padded walls!

aaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAHGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ok. Feeling better now.

Thanks.

#open journal #diary #spock #star trek #emotional outlet #emotions #mental health #psychology #screaming #i am lost #i dont need help #i want to disappear #i want to sleep #i want to scream #uss enterprise #enterprise #spock/kirk #spirk #bones mccoy #doctor mccoy #james t kirk #i love tumblr #tumblr

[creativebrainrot]

ive been having soooooo many gender thoughts sinc eleaveing the american south/bible belt behind like BRUH you would jot BEELIEEEVVEEEEEE HOW FUCKING STIFLING THAT GODDAMN PLACE IS i mean you WOULD cause fucking. every single southern state is not only super red right now but actively trying to kill trans people and queer people and push us back into the closet and leave us dead in the ditches with no one to speak our history and sing our songs etc but like

i saw a "hate has no place here" flag with the black lives matter symbol on it and the trans flag colors over another symbol i cant recall and almost CRIED i saw a rainbow black lives matter symbol in the window of a chinese market or resturant i dont remember and was so. heartened by it.

brother im thinking my MAJOR attachment to the "man" part of my gender was like fucking. a defense mechanism at this point cause right now im feeling even more nonbinary than ever before. i have never been a woman, but ive never felt like a man either. now, theres some fuckey alienation going on in my noggin for a variety of reasons unrelated to The Gender but like its so nice to be free of such a fucking bigoted state i actively felt unsafe there. i can actually ask myself what i want and who i am and what i want to wear or act like or sound like now. none of my goals have really changed, i still want people to see A Guy when they look at me and not some fucking. petite little lady. but the nonbinary is louder in my brain and that feels really good. i cant wait to have the resources and mental strength to seek out hrt eventually. i cant wait to be on T.

idk its nice :)

#open journal #creativelyrottedmind #rotthoughts

[the-healing-mindset]

"...but do you like you?"

This was a question asked by my therapist during one of my earlier sessions. The first part of the question had something to do with the way I always had difficulty with being accepted by others. "No." I thought, but I couldn't answer that way because I didn't know exactly why that was.

Only now has it hit me the reason why it has been difficult for me to like myself and show up authentically. That reason is because I never was able to protect myself from others' manipulation and abuse. That's the why. I always felt as if I were the problem when it came down to how I was being treated by others. I didn't feel capable of protecting myself from them so I automatically felt as if I was the problem.

I always held it against myself as a personal failure that I could never get along with others, even though that really wasn't the full truth of it all. I was always capable of getting along with others, but because of how I had been treated by some of my relatives over the years, I developed an intense case of self-consciousness. I always felt like people were watching my every move to judge and criticize me. Because of that, I always felt as if I had to correct myself or "keep myself in line" so that no one else would do it first.

What I never realized is just how controlling that is. I always thought that I was doing the other people in my life favors by staying out of the way and making it all easy for them. Sounds good on paper, but I didn't know that when I did that, I was just making life for myself harder. I also never realized that I was making it much more difficult for the future me to feel confident in just showing up to relationships and connections neutrally and without expectation.

This takes so much of the pressure off. Yes, I still crave connection on both a friendship level and on an intimate level, but I also realize that it is something that I am much better off forgetting about. Sure, I deserve these things as I am very much human and deserving of having those needs met, but I am also deserving of not constantly holding it against myself as a personal failure for not feeling stable in either arena.

Maybe just learning to show up as I am and feel comfortable in my own skin will help out with seeing these things differently. Naturally, it's all a shot in the dark, but anything worth having is worth taking the risk.

#personal #personal story #open journal #self-worth #self-acceptance #self-esteem #self-efficacy #healing #friendship #relationships #intimacy #note to self #hope #stability #rambling

[escapingthelabryinth]

"You are a light." I hold onto these words when the world goes dark. Sometimes, we must shine for ourselves. Sometimes, we are our only light.

#writing page #excerpts #excerpts from my life #you are a light #looking for lei #searching #deep quotes #hopeful quotes #hopeful #letting go #moving forward #writing #open journal #open diary #unspoken words #deep thoughts

[openly-journaling]

Citlali - Saturday January 6 2024

It's funny I was just thinking about why we even have a diary or journal or whatever that we even write in. Especially when days have been so uneventful.

Ithaqua is now spending more and more time away from the front and with his now husband Alva (they got married in headspace on the 1st)

Fern/Smidge spends most of his time off with his boyfriend Sorrow and I am now with Fantasy.

Fantasy insists on getting time with his brother so I'm by myself mostly right now. Though Plague joined me at front awhile.

What is going on with our system one can only wonder. We formed Marshmallow recently to protect us over a few phrases that trigger us. So hopefully we can reduce the amount of stress and rapid switching when such phrases set us off.

Marshmallow also insists on almost completely reworking the system (helping people into groups, giving them better spaces, and finding out who's all where exactly since we hardly pay attention to each other outside of our own spaces in the headspace) good for him, he's keeping busy.

I suppose all this journaling is just good for keeping track of things but as far as we aren't concerned our memories aren't split and we remember it all anyway. Feels more like a vent post some days.

I've also caught myself in the midst of consistently having to reassure my bf (Fantasy) and others in the system when they're facing issues and I hope we can improve but it's so strange at times.

Kind of slipping back into Maladaptive daydreaming as well out of boredom while we wait to finally start college on the 11th.

Psychology. If we can get into that we can further study DID/OSDD and endo systems and hopefully uncover the truth once and for all. I would speak of this more in depth on our plans but at the same time there is a selfish part of us that doesn't fully want others nosing in on our research and how we plan to go about it. Thanks to a friend we've been given another approach even on how to study this that may not have been considered before.

We would need several volunteers from endo, endo neutral and anti endo communities and not just from our own perspective. We only know our experiences.

But something we've noticed talking with endos is that they tend to experience some things antis never speak about experiencing. I will not list them here. Still, if there's a chance to learn more, we wish to find out.

But first, I suppose, we start with basic steps. Basic learning. Hopefully it won't take too long for us to actually be allowed to do research and dedicate our life to further understanding this disorder that most other psychologists probably won't delve into.

We'd also like to understand psychiatry. Hopefully one day we'll have a breakthrough.

#open journal #citlali #osdd system #fictive #did/osdd #psychology #endogenic #traumagenic #what is the truth

[noceurxyz]

PERTEMUAN

Pada dasarnya… Kita dipertemukan dengan cara yang tidak sengaja. Tetapi, kenyataannya berbeda.

Tuhan telah menuliskan semuanya. Mulai dari pertemuan kita; Kisah kasih yang kita rangkai Bersama luka dan perih; Hingga titik di mana perpisahan datang Menghantam kita berdua hingga tak berdaya.

Atas waktu yang telah berlalu. Aku bersyukur telah dicintai oleh Manusia sepertimu. Tidak ada penyesalan. Hanya ada air mata yang menggenang; Oleh sebab kita tak mampu Mempertahankan semuanya.

Perjalanan kita tak semulus yang mereka kira. Luka, duka, canda dan tawa; Melebur serta membaur Menjadi satu kesatuan. Pada waktu ke waktu; Selalu ada luka dan bahagia menyelimutinya.

- Tprlsxtn

#jakarta #indonesia #puisi #sajak #tulisan #jurnal #open journal #others

[vice-and-paranoia]

i had the hope. the hope that they were something other than what i thought. the hope that i could change so that they may treat me better. the hope that they would eventually understand something that i was saying to them. but no. none of that was ever possible. because the issues that prevent that possibility predate my existence. those hopes that i held can never be truth. only dreams. both of which i have been forced to give up... 

#longing #notes from my jounal #toxic family #narcissistic abuse #narcissism #mine #text #late night thoughts #lost in thought #open journal #family trauma #self-abandonment

[kingrosalani]

The truth is there are too many individuals who view the world around us as colorblind by choice. They will refuse to wipe their lenses, blink their eyes and look around themselves fully. We may just be a spec in this universe, but even then I promise you we are so much more. Even on my dark days, the stars will say hello thousands of years in the past because the stars knew you would be here today. 

We have seen phenomenons from lightyears ago. We have seen light and felt energy that every generation has shared - is that not special? How is it that this universe seems to forever be expanding just how we forever will be growing even posthumously. How even in dark there is always some light? This Earth chose to evolve to give you life, your home, your purpose. The planets will protect you when stars collide. The sun will keep you warm. The moon will give you rest. I know this because everyday it does and forever it will even after your tears run dry. So you can cry, scream and rage all you want on this Earth, in this universe. She will be here to comfort you when you finish.

#teri underhill #writer #writing community #the universe #earth #you are enough #you are special #earth day #grateful #mindful #the universe has you #journal entry #open journal #live life #mental health

[cathsbrain]

She's back in the city where she thought she's never gonna see

But something faded away in this city where she feels free

-cathsbrain 100223

#sharing random things #blogging thoughts #excerpt from a book i'll never write #spilled journal #random blog #spilled feelings #blog words #cathsbrain2023 #just feelings #spilled emotions #writers on tumblr #writersofinstagram #open journal #open thoughts #make it work #wordsnquotes #relatable quotes #night city #cityscape #freedoom

[ladixx3]

Stuck at Work til 3pm 🫣🫠

Cheers to the Winterrrrr ……

Who Wants to Entertain Me 😜

#lets be friends #protectyourmind #followforfollowback #open journal #healingjourney #lets chat

[wrath-bob-aken]

Wrath: 10/24/22

It's only 7am so I'll edit in whatever is needed later.

For now I'm just hoping today goes okay. I enjoy that our job doesn't require interaction with a bunch of random customers but we do get exhausted working from 7-5 with only a lunch break in between. I sneak going in at 8 but I'm sure they know anyway. They haven't said anything about it.

And we take a 2 hour lunch instead of one. We just need the time to relax. We're not used to full time hours and this job is more of a.. if you want to get paid you come in, if you don't and you want to miss a day, that's fine but we're not going to be happy with you. I mean that's any job but I mean it's a very loose job, they're not extremely strict about it all.

Yesterday went better than Saturday. We took a mental health day to relax, thus giving up our drive to visit an old familiar location but that can be done next week. We managed to go back and talk to that person about the issues we had with them regarding that last conversation. Things went pretty okay. I still don't think I'll be venting to them again though.

Still.. wish we could say the same for our foster mother. Maybe we'll eventually get through to her but it's irritating when she has literally no respect for us. We could go through someone she actually respects but we'll just have to see how that goes.

For now I guess I should just focus on today and get back to dealing with a roach infested house... Where's Bobby? Why is it me? Why am I front stuck? Make him do the work, not me. I have other things I want to do in headspace...

-edit will be added below later-

#wrath speaks #open journal

[jittersticker]

April 14th, 2024

There was a beautiful car today on my road. He maybe thought I was following him, but it was going in the same direction as I was already traveling. The vehicle was a Robin’s Egg Blue Belair. That’s my favorite classic car. It’s the perfect combination of style and history. When you see aspects of life like that, it makes you stop and watch it. I'm not sure if it's from being out of place or that it's a time capsule. I believe in past lives, so it always makes me think if there’s infinite timelines, maybe I’m crossing one of mine from the past. That’s why I thought about the feeling of being homesick, like you’re looking for something you don’t know even if you found it what it could be.

I feel like a lot of people are lonely, and they want someone to talk to them. Even though it’s physically impossible for me to speak to everyone, I want to open a journal essentially. I'm telling the universe in hopes the message gets to you. I’m nobody special, and that’s fine. I ramble about nothing and everything, so if you found this, the universe/Mr. Zuckerbooger wants you to feel less alone.

So, first things first. I am not sure why they put spinach with arugula because, in my experience, arugula starts going bad the second you buy it. That’s the only sage wisdom I have for the day: buy spinach by itself. Preferably, the darker the leafy vegetable, the more healthy. Lettuce is pointless. Now that’s out of the way.

My day consisted of housecleaning, which is fine. I always feel I don’t have enough blankets, but I don’t remember where I put them. I found a blanket on my dining sideboard today. Not sure what my plans were there.

It also strikes me that there’s a high likelihood I have some form of OCD simply because I rank my items based on how much they don’t gross me out to use them.

For blankets, I only really like to use cotton, but I can’t put them anywhere else in my house if I plan to sleep with them. I have blankets I only sleep with if I’ve showered and they’ve not touched anything else. By anything else, I mean it doesn’t feel like anything exposed to the outside world. Then there are everyday blankets. I put on the backs of couches that my household uses every day. I try to keep her blankets and clothes as clean as possible, but I don’t want her to grow up and feel like she can only sleep with a particular blanket that has a certain level of cleanliness.

I used never to rest if things were dirty, but I have to live in my house and not give my child any irrational fears about cleanliness. What’s weird is it’s only MY stuff; I don’t care about other people’s cleanliness. I’m not even paying attention. I do the same with shoes. I don’t let my feet touch the floor after I’ve showered because when I mop and see the dark water from cleaning the oils and first off the floor, no thanks.

Anyway, this was my first try. I'll try and look back into my old journals and post those from 10+ years ago.

#open journal #life #quote #book #bookish #books & libraries #books and reading #quotes #journal #journaling #spiritual journey

[creativebrainrot]

Life update + a thank you

On october 7th, my dad signed the contract to sell our house. The closing date is November 5th. We've been trying to sell our house since January, after our mutual abuser passed away. We've encountered nothing but road block, after road block, after road block. Some of you might remember that we were in such a dire position, I made a donation post or two, as we genuinely couldn't afford bills or food at the time. Unfortunately, all the things we wanted to use those donations for fell through; The car's repair expenses were too high, and we weren't confident that the car wouldn't just become another money sink, more debt, on our shoulders. So we spent the donated money on groceries and bills. If it weren't for this community, and for my friends, we may very well be homeless right now, instead of safe enough to sell our house. The donated money from this community and my friends was enough to safeguard us from the worst of those first three months. My dad got in contact with the neighbors and a very very generous woman has been feeding us and helping whereever else she can. We both have bikes now, because of her.

I would call this year the "objectively worst year" of my life. I've never had to genuinely consider what would happen if I went houseless. But it's not THE worst year of my life. I genuinely wouldn't have gotten through this year if not for the kindness my friends and GW2blr as a whole have shown me, so thank you. I don't know where my dad and I would be if not for all of you who spread that donation post. Thank you. I originally wanted to grab everyone's account PFP & Usernames, who reblogged or liked the donation post, but I deleted it awhile ago, and before deleting I realized how monumental the task of painting or editing a huge thank you letter like that would be. So, I hope this suffices. NOW, I can finally say, that we will be moving soon, and mean it. I'm scared, to be honest, but that's mostly because I've been in a depressive episode the past two weeks. I'll get better. This will be fun, and one of the most freeing things I've ever experienced. I know it.

To end on a high note; Thank you. Every last one of you. For the support, for the charity, for the kindness, for everything. Before November 2022, I felt so alone and unloved. I have a community now, talking to people doesn't scare me anymore. DM'ing people doesn't scare me as much anymore. I have friends now, close friends that I value a lot. And I can't wait to share the future with you, however that might be. Thank you.

#rotthoughts #creativelyrottedmind #personal #open journal #theres a few specific friends I should directly say thank you too but right now thats Too Much #so i hope that they in particular see this and know that they are part of the reason this year wasnt #as horrible as it couldve been #thank you guys #shoutout to sleidog & company you motherfuckers have been a gigantic positive impact on me #yknow what fuck it #thank you beanswithbones littlemysteryartist silvesi straywyvern #sleidog shroomlet mabaki the-dot and lynxfrost13 #ILY all platonicly you are beautiful and i am kissing you on your foreheads #yall make me laugh and feel cared about. you have no idea how important each of you is to me in ur own unique ways. #thank you #alright enough with the sappyness now. you are now obligated to think about one of my ocs fat pairs of badonkers if you read this far #my gfit to you. good bye. i will see you later when i reblog something 18 times in a row

[the-healing-mindset]

Remember: You made the efforts.

If you’ve had the misfortune of dealing with abusers of any sort, then you’re likely familiar with the efforts often taken by the abused to come to terms with what they have experienced or are experiencing. In some cases it starts out as justification: “Maybe they have a point, after all, they are older than I am. That’s probably why they treat me like they do.” In other cases, an attempt at rationalization may be taken: “Maybe I can’t figure it out because I don’t know enough. Even though it doesn’t make sense, maybe I will eventually figure out why they are treating me like this.” After those attempts, the person may then try to change themselves to gain favor of the abuser: “Since they say I’m always wrong, maybe I need to change the way I show up so that they treat me more favorably.”

The thing is, none of this will ever satisfy an abuser. It’s never your fault that someone treats you a certain way. As it is always said, the way someone treats you has more to do with them than it ever will have to do with you. It doesn’t matter their age, their titles or qualifications, nor their positions in life. Abuse is abuse. Disrespect is disrespect, and a person is highly unlikely to change their behavior toward you based on what you do to try to appease them. Abusers will always use confusion and manipulation to make it seem like you’re the problem.

You tried to justify it. You tried to rationalize it. You tried to change yourself in hopes that it would change the situation. Then, you realized that you would be better off distancing yourself from the individual or group. When they come back around, remember all the efforts you made while still under their influence. Remember the days, weeks, months, or even years of trying to make changes with yourself to try to move forward with them. Remember the pain you experienced. The sadness. The anger. The tears. Remember the feeling of being stuck. Remember the fear they tried to instill in you. Remember the confusion.

The memories may hurt, but this remembrance is necessary to keep you focused and on path and serves to remind you of why you started. Because ultimately, you will run into people, likely enablers of the abuser’s actions, who want you to reconcile with the abuser. They’ll try their best to manipulate you into believing that you really are the problem. “I notice you don’t come around like you used to, that hurts us.” “You shouldn’t back away from family, we’ll do anything we can for you.” But you know that it’s just another front. These people are always embroiled in some form of conflict, whether amongst themselves or with others. These people will always have something negative to say. By you distancing yourself, you’ve noticed that their way of life doesn’t work for you. You’ve realized that it causes you more harm than good. You’re never the abuser for leaving behind what does not work for you. You made the efforts.

#abuse #abuse tw #disrespect #emotions #emotional well-being #healing #recovery #growth #abuser tw #abuser #note to self #open journal #narcissism #narcissistic abuse

[escapingthelabryinth]

I've given all the space I can give. I'm boxed into a corner and the room just keeps filling, and I can't breathe in here, it's suffocating. So I punch a hole into the wall. Fresh air brushes against my cheek as it filters into the room. It goes quiet, everyone looking at me as if they'd forgotten I was there, forgotten that I'd invited them into this place, my space. I punch another hole, then another, then another, until a human-sized hole exists. And I slip out of it.

#looking for lei #open diary #writing page #open journal #deep quotes #excerpts #excerpts from my life #escaping the labryinth #hopeful quotes #anxiety quotes #dealing with anxiety #excerpts from a story I’ll never tell #quotes #deep thoughts

[openly-journaling]

Art by Circusblades

Fnatasy: Dec 12th 2023

We officially graduated our GED today. A long time ago we quit that other job. It was exhausting, bad on our hip and our heart just wasn't in it. Doodles are fucking crazy.

So we've set our sights on college and we're going to be a psychologist. We're so happy to have graduated. And even though only the teachers were available to support us, we didn't care. We made it this far. We're proud of us.

Time to see how much further we can go!

#open journal #fantasy writes #fictive #osdd system