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paintthestarsarttherapy · 5 years

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Where Do We Go From Here:

The Do’s and Don’t’s of how to best help your child through suicidal behaviors

Parents, we are going to chat about something difficult today…

The issue that shall not be named, the Voldemort of parenting: suicidal thoughts and self-harm. This is a tough topic for most people to think and talk about. It is especially difficult for parents when they have to come to terms with the idea that the aforementioned thoughts are probably already circulating within their family. There is no single way to handle these thoughts when it comes to your children but we want to offer some helpful advice should you or your family begin to discuss suicide and self-harm.

Don’t: Don’t use guilt when speaking to a person who is feeling suicidal. i.e. “Do you know how hurt mom and dad would be if you killed yourself? They’d never get over it.” This type of thinking and talking only adds to the negative symptoms the person suffering is already feeling.

Do: Do continue to let the person know how loved they are. “There is nothing that you can say or do that would ever make me stop loving you or caring about you. … I am here if you ever need to talk.” Or even better, “I’ll happily bring you to talk to someone if you’d like to do that.”

Don’t: Harp on “Where did I go wrong?” or even worse “Was this because of something I did?” By doing this you are a) not helping your child and b) only adding to the stress you are already feeling and going through. Try thinking in a more positive, future type of thinking: How will I help my child? What can I do going forward to assist them with what they need.

Do: Your research on depression and anxiety and suicidal thoughts and behaviors. You are dealing with real emotions, real thoughts, real potential chemical imbalances that warp the mind in such a way that these behaviors seem like the only answer. Our brains are very powerful and illnesses like depression work extra hard at overpowering any rational thoughts your brain is trying to push through. Most people suffering do come from happy and supportive families.

Don’t: Walk on eggshells. You need to live your life just as normally as possible. This will help illustrate a sense of normalcy for the person suffering. They need that normalcy! This is often the hardest thing that parents struggle with when dealing with a depressed child. They want so badly to make the environment a pleasing one for that child. But when a child is suffering from depression and anxiety, suicidal thoughts or self-harm, buying fun toys and games, going to exciting places, being chore-free and care-free will do nothing to change the nature of the disease. And instead of seeing positive change you are now opening up a whole new set of issues.

Do: Offer helpful ideas as part of that normal. “Do you need me to reach out to your therapist or doctor? If you want to talk I will make myself readily available as best I can.” It is also good to keep their structure in place. Whatever their healthy routine is keep that up! School, chores, activities, social lives, family functions, etc. Do not excuse a child from attending due to low mood. They need that structure now more than ever!

Don’t: Focus on “But my child is happy, my child does well in school, my child has so many friends … ” etc. Most people suffering from depression and related illnesses do experience happiness and are also very capable of living each day without showing the frazzled feelings that are living deep within them. When someone is suffering from diabetes or cancer are you able to spot them walking by? Think of mental health in the same exact way.

Do: Understand that depression and suicidal thoughts, self-harm, etc., are not diseases that can be seen on the outside. These illnesses do not always prevent people from participating in their daily activities or better yet with a big smile on. Many people suffering from these issues will even say that THEY did not realize they were suffering either. It becomes the norm and many become so adjusted to this norm that they experience two lives: the one they show and the one they feel.

Don’t: Don’t assume or carry the burden that it is your job to “fix” them. It is THEIR job to work on themselves in whatever way they can. You can definitely be part of the solution but you are not the whole picture and the more you realize that the more supportive you can be of your child when they seek out help.

Do: Understand that even therapists/psychiatrists cannot be mind readers and be aware of everything that is going on in a person’s head. It is up to that person who is suffering to take the courageous leap forward and ask for help. Many times loved ones force therapy onto relatives before they are ready and that can quickly lead to failed attempts at recovery. It is a difficult pill to swallow but a process we are all too familiar with. It does not mean that you should not seek out help but instead be understanding that it may not happen on the first, second or third attempt at treatment. Thankfully, with the help of mental health professionals and sometimes with the additional help of medication, suicidal clients can become their own biggest supporter and become the most important part of their treatment.

Don’t: Don’t assume that if a person was treated for depression or related issues that they are cured. This is a lifelong battle and symptoms can pop up at anytime, anywhere. This is why it is recommended that those suffering from depression attend regular maintenance therapy even when symptoms are in remission. It’s important to check in with doctors and therapists and treat your mental health issues as you would any other chronic condition.

Do: Do encourage and remind family and friends to keep up with their mental health. Always be supportive of a person seeking help no matter how they are feeling. We are big believers in preventative therapy—meaning anyone can be in therapy with or without symptoms. Having a non-judgmental, supportive and authentic person to talk to about anything is always beneficial. It can be looked at as a possible safety net for some; should they fall if they have been in therapy regularly then you are possibly softening the landing for them. Make time for your mental health—everyone benefits.

Lastly, parents, please DO seek out parent support groups. You need to take care of your own mental health too! You can’t be expected to help your child or anyone else if you aren’t taking care of yourself. Remember the airplane rule, your oxygen mask goes on first—if you try to help your child first everyone loses.

If you or someone you know is suffering from suicidal thoughts or related behaviors do not hesitate to reach out:

1-800-273-8255

Text 741741

For 24/7 help with whatever you are going through. You are not alone.

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