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alpaca-clouds · 5 months

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The DnD Lore Problem - Accessibility and Characters (and how BG3 might not help)

You know what? I am gonna talk about DnD Lore and the accessibility of that lore. I talked about this exessively before. But to summarize that long blog very shortly:

Wizards of the Coasts currently makes the mistake of putting basically most DnD Lore behind a paywall, rather than offering official ressources. This leads to a lot of tables actually playing with their original worlds, rather than Toril/Faerûn, which in turn also means, that they are not spending money on official products. While my anti-capitalist ass things that the lore should be accessible just so that people can enjoy it, I also think that this inaccessibility actually costs WotC A LOT OF MONEY.

Today I want to talk about another aspect of this inaccessibility, that is kinda linked to some of the stuff I talked about before, but also is linked to the things WotC is currently not doing in terms of both Honor Among Thieves and Baldur's Gate 3. A thing, that also might not quite work with BG3, though.

See, the core problem of this inaccessibility is, that a) there is no official place where you can just get base information about the world and the timeline, b) this world has grown organically for about half a century, which lead to clutter, but also to the fact that things are at times showing their age.

I might actually make a post on the gods and religion in the world at some other point - but for now let me talk about something else: Extended universes and access points.

The Problem with Extended Universes

Okay, let's talk about how a lot of the big franchises for the longest time have told their meta stories - including DnD - and how it kinda struggles to find its audience. The extended universe.

I am frankly not entirely sure what franchise has started this. I am assuming it was Star Trek? But that is just a guess. But at some point in the 60s oder 70s someone had the idea that: "Hey, we could totally give the fans more to chew on by making official tie-in comics and novels!"

And that was how it worked for very long. Like a lot of the big franchises had at times around 10 novels and comics (if not more) releasing per year that would just explore other parts of the universe and allow the very engaged fans to... well, learn more about the world. Now, I am not going to talk about all the drama connected to the Star Wars stuff, but if you know, you know.

DnD did this too. (As did a lot of the big TTRPG systems, like Shadowrun and WoD as well.) Having a lot of tie in stuff - in the case of DnD mostly novels - that told more stories on the world and also established like some big player characters within the world. Elminster Aumar is probably one of the best examples here.

Those established some characters that play a big role within the world and also told just more stories of those big world changing events. In the recent DnD history that would be stuff like the Time of Troubles, the Spellplague and the Second Sundering.

Now, here we have one big issue. And one issue where I am not entirely certain where it arose from. But the fact is: In recent years, people invest way less into those kind of books. This is just a fact.

It is the reason why those big universes went from publishing like ten novels a year to often not more than three. We saw that in the failure of the extended Universe Disney tried to pull off for Pirates of the Caribbean (though I will still maintain that another big problem was that they barely marketed that at all - hi, everyone, who did not know there were extended universe novels for PotC). We also saw that with League of Legends, who really, really tried to tell a lot more stories with short stories and then also some novels set in Runeterra, before finally giving up, because most people didn't care.

In terms of Dungeons & Dragons I can totally see that a lot of people will also say: "I do not care what some other people's characters do within the world." Buuuuuut...

Stories actually can help you understand the world. Which brings me to...

The Elminster Problem

Okay, I do not know how to put this, but... If you look at the novels coming out for DnD literally half of them focus on either Elminster Aumar or Drizzt Do'Urden. Characters that have pretty much been around since the very beginning and. Look, I don't know how to put it but... It shows.

I am currently reading some of the newer novels and the fact is, that they do not really feel like fantasy books from the 2010s and 2020s. Because Elminster and Drizzt are very clearly characters originating in a very different time when stories were told very differently.

I mean, just look at Elminster. He is a wanna-be Gandalf character. He is from the early, early days of fantasy and... Look, I personally just really am unable to identify with a character like this.

And while Drizzt is a bit better as a character, but even he... How to put this delicately? They are both very much characters written by white cishet men for white cishet men. There, I said it.

I am noticing this a lot with reading Salvatore's books currently. Like, female characters are not overly sexualized, which is a plus. But they also very much exist most of the time in service to a man or at least in relation to a man. There is not a lot of female characters running around that have their own agency.

Which kinda leads to another thing. I actually saw this one brought up by one of those very cliché nerdy Youtube channels talking on DnD, who recognized the problem as well: There are basically two large groups of DnD players who barely intersect. One is the cliché nerds, the other is a largely queer and largely diverse group. And the youtube guy, who was very in the white cishet nerd group, suspected that actually the later group makes up more of the player base by now.

Buuuut... that is also the group who really do not get catered to by the canon lore so far. That was until 2023 with DnD:HAT and BG3 - both catering actually a lot to those groups.

Honor Among Thieves and the undermarketed books

Okay, here is the thing: Honor Among Thieves had two novelizations (one for young readers, one for older readers) and two tie-in novels. One featuring Edgin, Holga, Forge and Simon before the stuff with Sofina went down. And the other featuring Simon and Doric taking place at the time while Ed and Holga are in prison.

I am honest: I really, really liked the Ed and Holga novel. It was super cute and charming and really gives a better understanding of the characters.

But of course once again there is the thing: The books - just like the Pirates of the Caribbean books - were super undermarketed. Like, most people I know off do not even know that there were books released. Heck, even within the actual active fandom there are again and again people who will be surprised that those books exist.

And... I actually also think that the books waste one big ass opportunity, by not at all tying into the broader lore. They are super self-contained.

And that is actually just a waste. Because the place were Edgin lived in? Yeah, that place was super affected by the Second Sundering. Heck, that might have had to do something with his troubles.

Why is that an issue? Well, because... there was not a lot going on there that was inviting you to further interact with the world and learn more abotu what is happening. For once, again, because I think it is a super fun and interesting world. But also, because... WotC wants to make money and is so bad at it, that it really boggles my mind.

See, here is the thing: They could've used those characters - that really are fun and sympathetic characters - to create an accesspoint into that world.

Alright, so what about Baldur's Gate 3?

Which brings me to Baldur's Gate 3 and the thing that a lot of people have noticed: The other Baldur's Gate games - as well as some of the other games releasing around 2000 - had their own tie-in novels going into the characters, their background, but also what they were doing in the future.

Something that so far BG3 has not done, which some fans have already critized. Because a lot of people have actually gotten really invested into those characters. A lot of the kind of people especially who so far are underserved by a lot of the tie-in stuff: Queer and generally diverse audiences.

Like, I think there would be a lot of people, who totally would read a novel, about...

Astarion getting drawn into some sort of political intrigue in Baldur's Gate while serving Cazador

Karlach's time in Avernus

Some Adventure Wyll got dragged into while being the Blade of the Frontier.

Shadowheart going onto a mission for Shar (maybe together with Nocturne)

Whatever Gale was doing during the Second Sundering

Lae'zel's youth among the Githyanki

The Dark Urge and Gortash starting up the entire conspiracy

... whatever Halsin had been up to in his long live

Heck, people would eat that stuff up. And you could not only use it to worldbuild but also once more create some access into the world and what happened there. And they are kinda wasting a lot of potential by not bringing out those novels.

Of course, there is one big problem: BG3 makes it kinda hard to write about anything happening after the ending. Because as it is right now, someone is gonna be pissed if a novel set after the game does not go with the decision for a character they go for. Like, Ascended Astarion fans are gonna be pissed, if they go with Spawn Astarion - and the other way around. Same goes with every other character where you have those big decisions happening.

This is something they will have to tackle eventually if they plan on doing something with the characters in the future (no matter if we are talking Larian or WotC), but it is definitely an issue that just arises from the structure of the game.

Bonus of course is, that you just cannot define a canonical Tav. But without a Tav, you also gotta act as if the story of the game happened without a Tav, which still is not ideal. I am honestly not sure with how they are gonna deal with this on the long run.

Access via Characters

Alright, but what is the actual issue here?

Well, basically there are two hurdles to overcome for the accessibility of the lore. The first is the physical accessibility - aka, what I talked about in the last long blog post. The second meanwhile is more related to making the lore engaging. And that happens through characters.

It is for me what happened last year. I actually tried to engage with the lore as the movie came out - but only when BG3, that tied a lot more into the actual lore was released I actually found proper access to the lore. Because I had concrete things I could now look for because the game hinted at so much both through characters and major story events happening.

Here is the thing: If you just have the lore on its own, it is about as engaging as reading a history book. Sure, as your local history nerd I find reading history books fun, but most people really do not want to read a history book to engage with a hobby.

People will however engage with stories and characters that interest them. Which is where we get back to the thing I talked about at the beginning: Right now most canonical novels and stories still cater to an audience that is male, cishet, white and also, let's be frank, definitely over 30 years old. Leaving behind a lot of potential fans that theoretically make up a big part of the player-base, but actually do not engage a lot with the lore for this exact reason.

Look. DnD right now is fairly close to being an actual mainstream hobby, due to the recent proliferation of formerly nerdy stuff. And yet WotC is bleeding money, especially in regards of DnD.

If you ask me, sure... DnD should go into public domain. But it doesn't. And given that there are so many creative, skilled people working on this - no matter how dumb Hasbro is and how shitty of an employer they are - I actually do want them to succeed. I have really become engaged with this world now. And I think it is a pity that they clearly do not know how to market this stuff.

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mademoiselle-cookie · 7 months

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The Green lost

And I have mixed feelings about it.

1. First, good.

In-universe, bc having the good guys teams being eliminated first is so bittersweet and I love this shit. No one is free of sin, everyone did something wrong and fucked-up at some point, but each team has its thing : the Red are the crazy one, the Blue the bad guy one and the Green are the kind one. It's the group who's leader has forbidden to burn stuff bc it's not nice, who chose to help a team even after they destroy their stuff in the most cowardly and spiteful way, who still had principles in this nightmare of an island. They had really strong members with exp in this kind of situations. And they lost. Wonderful.

Out-of-universe, bc whatever shit the admins have in mind, the player can leave now. Etoiles was starting to get tired of Minecraft and it was taking up a lot of his time. Taking a week's break and getting away from the drama will be good for the team (especially Bagi, poor girl got harassed a lot. I love you Bagi)

2. Wasted potential.

If the event was really for pvp, and the team members had been able to be present earlier, the Greens would have been the strongest. And now we will never have the opportunity to see the full extent of their strength and talent.

BUT ABOVE ALL, their team dynamic. The players weren't that used to playing together, so it was an opportunity to see them exchange more, create or explore their relationships more… The creation of a found family is super interesting!

Seeing the friendship between Roier and Etoiles, two fighters who absolutely want to fight but still have honor (what an idea to put them in the same team) with the added dynamic of a knight and his leader to protect (Mario and Peach lol), Forever very intelligent and strategist who calls himself the mother of the team, Elquackity the traitor who did not show his true potential (except when he voluntarily gave victory to the Red on the 2nd day), Ironmouse who had a very touching and interesting moment with Etoiles about their chronic illness… is something I wanted to see develop. And it will never happened.

3. It was a foregone conclusion.

The competition with the punishment of being eliminated for the loser was announced a few hours before said competition. The day when many Green players are normally not there, where the leader and strongest and most present member on the server had another more important event at the same time. You're not going to make me believe that any of the admins didn't know that this tournament existed, or that Etoiles, a Smash player, would ignore it despite its great importance. The competition could have taken place on Saturday instead of shutting down the server, or it could have been closed for another day, or the admins could have warned the players that something important would happen on Sunday so they could have tried to work something out.

I ask everyone watching Green's POV, did you even have hope that they would win? Well not me. I love them, I think they're the best, but I had no illusions. They were going to lose. The tie was impossible, the event would have been pointless otherwise, and the victory too because the clues indicate very clearly that the Blue are the cursed team. The Greens could not, and should not, win.

It sucks to be a Green Team fan.

4. I'm afraid of what's next.

I'm hoping for two scenarios now that the Greens have been "terminated":

They die and players can do other things until the end of the event. That would be great but unlikely. QSMP is not going to exclude several of its players like that, that would be unfair. There aren't that many of them already.

The Greens are sent elsewhere. That would be giga top. This would promise interesting and different content (and perhaps allow players who want blood to obtain satisfaction) in addition to making the threat of Purgatory credible. The players are inaccessible to others - even considered dead - and must suffer because of some thing that the eye has invented.

See my vision: Cellbit mourning his dead husband, while Roier is having the time of his life in whatever hell the Eye send the Green. That will be so perfect.

But that would require a lot of preparation, while the admins are not even sure that the players will stay or that they will like these new changes.

What I really don't want to happen but is very, very likely:

The Greens are redistributed among the other teams. Lost their new team dynamic, lost everything they had started to create, they now have to adapt to a new group, who were once their enemies and who have at one time or another done a nasty deed to them, and fght their former comrades. They will also have to obey a new leader whom they did not elect. You can think what you want about Etoiles but he was chosen, and him as leader allowed a certain dynamic that would not be possible with other people and another leader. And that would ruin the danger and credibility of Purgatory which threatens people's lives and then leaves them alive and in the company of their friends.

Worse, Etoiles ends up on the Red team. First, I want to see them lose (which should happen anyway since they're not the cursed team), and also because I don't trust the Red fanbase with Etoiles at all. Not even with an anti-atomic suit. There's a reason I hate Bolas, and it's not the cc's fault. (One day we'll have to talk about using a character played by an Algerian to be a literal white man's dog)

#can you imagine blue and red teams mourning their dead friends #lost to a nighmarish island who forces them to kill each other #while at the same time Roier and Etoiles are decapitating enemies while singing Disney songs #while the rest are drinking tea prepared by Forever #qsmp #qsmp purgatory #salt #discourse #qsmp etoiles #qsmp roier #qsmp cellbit #green gay ninjas

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callmearcturus · 1 year

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What made you choose the odin over other similar game boxes?

GREAT question because there are a LOT of options out there, I even did a big post about them a while ago when folks were curious.

I actually started out with a Retroid Pocket 2+ as my first device. I hugely enjoyed it, played a bunch of DS games on it as well as a lot of PSX games. I think the current iteration of it, the Retroid Pocket 3+, is an excellent pick if you want a midtier device. At this point, the RP3+ is like a Odin Lite Lite.

My issue with my RP2+ was that I really wanted the ability to stream games from my PC, because I am a pirate yo ho ho and I wanted access to that much more robust library. Also, my interest in the Dreamcast/Gamecube/PS2 console generation is at its peak right now and that's the library I want to play comfortably.

So when I got a bonus from work, I bit the fucking bullet and got the AYN Odin Lite, because it also happened to be like 50$ off at the time.

(Oooh, which it currently is right now too, go figure!)

For the curious, I loaded my RP2+ with literally as many games as I could stuff into the things and I gave it to a friend as a gift.

I was worried that I wouldn't use the Odin enough to justify the purchase..... but then I immediately put like 20 hours into Pokemon Unbound and I completed Persona 3 Portable. And then I used Parsec to play the entirety of Persona 4 Golden and I am now 80 hours into Persona 5 Royal. And now I might spin up a playthru of SMT4 or the PS2 version of SMT 3 Nocturne, unsure.

Here's the reasons I like the Odin, even though its one of the pricier devices you can get:

Yes, it costs 200USD for the Lite model. But the Lite model does pretty much everything the more expensive Base and Pro models do with minimal compromises. Also for 200USD, you get extremely good components, very comfortable professional feeling buttons and joysticks-- like, this thing feels slightly better than a Switch Lite, honest to god. Unless you wanna dual boot Windows, you don't need more than the Lite.

It has Wifi 6 so it streams like a fucking dream. If the Odin itself can't handle emulating a game but my computer can, I can play flawlessly from Parsec. As I mentioned before, a few weeks ago I was sitting in a cute coffee shop literally like 25 miles away but was playing Persona 5 via Parsec. It also works natively with Game Pass streaming perfectly.

Even without streaming, this fucker is BEEFY. I personally love it for PSP games. Playing at 4x or 5x resolution makes the games look stunning.

My biggest problem with my CFW 3DS is the battery. I tend to play games for 4ish hours at a time, and then put the thing aside for a few days. With my 3DS, the thing will HAVE to be left plugged in or it will be dead by the next time I wanna play. This also means I can't just drop it into my bag to wait around for time to play, it'll inevitably be dead. My Vita and Odin can live in my bag for over a week before I have to worry about the battery. That is HUGE for me.

The Retroid Pocket 2+ very comfortably and ably played up to the DS and most Dreamcast games, but PSP was a crapshoot and even some PSX games weirdly could only run at x1, which was disappointing to me. The Odin Lite can play everything I want to play and as a bonus it can do what seems like half the 3DS library and about 40% of the PS2 library, which I would like to revisit.

Cracked devices and emulation are becoming a hobby of mine as everyone sans Microsoft works around the clock to make their enormous back catalogs fucking inaccessible. The fact the 3DS shop is closing soon pisses me off so much I can barely express it, I think that shit should be illegal. There are so many games and frankly works of art that are going to be completely inaccessible legally! FUCK THE ESA!

Point is, this stuff is important to me. I back up games I never intend to actually play on my external hard drive just in case. But out of all the devices I have played with, my favorites are easily the Odin and my cracked Vita. Both are miraculous, and I feel like I'm literally defeating my "hmmmmm what do I wanna play" indecision thanks to them.

That said, depending on your needs, I still think the Miyoo Mini and the Retroid Pocket 3+ (current iteration of Retroid) are excellent choices. As is a Vita! My god I love my Vita! I've never been a fan of any of the Anbernic devices and would avoid them.

#Anonymous #arc plays games #whoops long post

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mystery-moose · 9 months

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Someone in my life posed some interesting questions about stories recently! In considering them I figured I'd keep a record of my thoughts here on my tumblr web log, because what void should I holler into if not this one?

First, how I think about stories. I try to avoid thinking about them as morality plays or parables (mostly because this can keep me from engaging with challenging art) but I also don't like thinking about them purely as escapism. Each story has a reason it exists, whether that's entertainment, communication, or contemplation. They're designed to draw out our empathy, communicate a feeling, create a mood. Sometimes that's in service of something important to the author. Other times, it's something meant to distract. I don't judge a story based on its pretensions, or on its naked commercialism -- I try to judge based on its execution, how it's doing what it's doing, and how well it succeeds. There are great artists right now working solely with other people's licenses, doing work-for-hire gigs, and their skills are just as worthy of praise and appreciation as the latest semi-original high-concept novel hanging in the middle of the New York Times bestseller list.

Basically, I think about stories like stories! Or, if I absolutely have to be metaphorical, like buildings. Are the foundations strong? Is it doing anything special? Can I navigate it easily? How accessible is it? That last matters a lot to me, because it doesn't matter how cool the interior is if most people can't find their way inside.

Second, what do I need a story to do to recommend it to someone else? I'm gonna go with "accessibility" at the top, not in the disability sense but the populist one. Yeah, playing to the cheap seats can hurt a story a lot, and you obviously can't please everyone, but ignoring your audience doesn't make me appreciate your story much myself, let alone get me to recommend it to anyone else. You have to find a balance where what you're communicating isn't absolute nonsense to most of your audience. Not all! Just most. Effective communication of your thoughts, feelings, and ideas to a layman is something I think a lot of storytellers could stand to care about more when it comes to honing their craft, and that goes for folks outside of the arts especially. So if I find a story with a big concept, beautiful craft, intense emotion, and it's not too esoteric or inaccessibly written? That's great art in my book, and I'll tell everyone about it.

Next, what do I look for in stories? Now that is a tough one... I guess, beyond sheer execution (if your prose is good enough you can take me almost anywhere) I look for something that makes me care about its characters as it introduces me to their world, and does so without me feeling like I'm being told why I should care about the characters or what their world is like. This goes for everything from period pieces to stories set in places or communities I'm unfamiliar with, just as much as it goes for fantasy or science-fiction. I do generally have to care about the characters in a piece to really devote a significant amount of time to a story, though. If I don't, the other elements of the work (craft, originality, feeling) have to carry a whole lot more of the weight in order to get me to finish something.

What are red flags for me? Honestly, a big one is feeling either preached or condescended to. Even if it's politics or perspectives I agree with, if I feel like I'm being told what to think rather than thinking it on my own, or if I simply think the author doesn't trust me to understand what they're trying to say? I check out. Beyond that, when a story excuses terrible behavior in the interests of forcing me to sympathize with a character the author clearly favors, I also check out. There's other stuff too -- I don't much care for certain tropes when they feel obvious or sufficiently undisguised (at least try to put some kind of spin on it!) -- but those are the big ones I think. If I see those, my desire to continue drops real sharp.

A recent example of a story I really loved, because I try to stay positive: earlier this year I finished a book called A Memory Called Empire by Arkady Martine, which almost instantly became one of my favorite stories. I had to sit with my feelings for days before I really settled on that, too! I worry about recency bias sometimes, that an impact will dull with time, but Empire has lived in my head since I read it. It's a well-told and compelling yarn that dips into a number of my favorite genres (science-fiction, murder-mystery, political intrigue, thriller) told from one of my favorite POVs (first-person) that also happens to dig into concepts that I find super cool and interesting! Things like history, how it's recorded, who makes it, what matters versus what historians only think matters. Things like the colonialism, cultural imperialism, and the politics of empire -- the pressure of being a small community being subsumed by a larger, more dominant one, the complicated nature of being a person from two worlds, whether by choice or by birth, and so on. It's got a lot of thoughts about that stuff, and it can't touch on all of them with the depth that they deserve, but it knows enough to know there's no easy answer for a lot of its questions, and it manages to make that feel like a natural conclusion rather than a copout. A great novel, and one I recommend to most everyone I know!

One I'm still in the middle of that I need to get back to: Gene Wolfe's Book of the New Sun. That's a work that I think is a bit inaccessible, with characters that I don't necessarily love (the protagonist is a professional torturer, if that tells you anything) but the sheer craft on display... my god. There are whole sections I've read, passages that describe a feeling that I've had before but never put to words, and it expresses them so effectively and with such excellent language that it carries me forward on those passages even when I'm unsure what this person's quest is or whether or not I even like them. And that's to say nothing of the depth of the text itself -- Ursula K. Le Guin famously called Gene Wolfe genre fiction's Herman Melville, and that's been borne out in what I've read so far. I've been listening to the Shelved by Genre podcast as I've been reading the book, and their own insights and analysis illuminate whole sections of the text that I would never have noticed otherwise, or would have without knowing exactly why! Awesome stuff.

#moose blogs #on storytelling #i think about stories a lot #like i think about history a lot #that venn diagram is a circle in my mind #so when i find a story that thinks about the same stuff?#that's the best babyyy

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astralartefact · 1 month

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Right, I forgot to post something about Reincarnation ending for real yesterday, so. uhh. what pseudo-deep thing do I have to say about all of this...

Reincarnation is allowed to end and its contents are allowed to be ""inaccessible""* and everyone involved in its production knew it was going to end like this from the start even if they likely thought it wouldn't end quite this abruptly.

Yesterday Matsukawa literally said on Twitter that one of the first things Yoko Taro told him was to keep all the design work they did in consistent structures so they could easily publish them afterwards, they knew, they're not as stupid and helpless to corporate greed as some of you seem to think they are.

*heavy air quotes here because it's not inaccessible, there are at least three seperate fan projects documenting its content and even all of the in-game data has been publicly archived by fans - how much more accessible do you want an online game to be after it ends???

I know we love to complain about live services because that's a buzzword to do with capitalism (which is indeed bad) but like. It being inherently impermanent isn't what makes it bad. Theater plays are inherently impermanent and I have yet to see someone complain that Theaters still perform plays seasonally and then change what they're playing. What if I couldn't see Faust 1 last year and this year they're only playing Faust 2??? i dont think faust is a theatre play

Video Game Archiving is weird because yes, there's basically no downside to keeping something accessible forever aside from cost - and yet to me it has kind of started to become a little bit like hoarding in the fear that you might need it eventually. Like sure, why not store a video game in perpetuity if you could, someone in the future might want to look back on it after all - but like. Do you really need to be able to play a video game to do that, to understand what it tried to do and how it executed on its premise?

If nobody actually liked NieR Reincarnation's gameplay - which a lot of you complaining about it ending seem dedicated to point out any chance you get - then why keep it around as a game and not just as recordings or in writing? And whose responsibility is it to record that stuff? For the most part History wasn't recorded by those that made that history happen either. History can be recorded in writing, in photographs, in paintings,... so why can Video Games only be recorded as that Video Game?

I think these discussions are important to have and it sucks that it's always undercut by "Well but Corporations should do it, especially since they only don't do it because of money" - which is perfectly true and I agree with that, just for the record - and yet even in a better societal structure than Capitalism these problems would remain. If money wasn't an issue should every person ever posting anything on the Internet have to make sure it will always remain there for people that haven't seen it yet just because they could? Taken to the next step, are you allowed to remove something from the Internet if anybody finds it some amount of impactful?

The answer is pretty easy. If you care that much about it you will just have to record it yourself somehow - like a lot of Reincarnation's fans already did. And yes, video games have an interactive component that is now lost - but so what. If that was so important then write down what it meant to you! Make art that expresses what Reincarnation made you feel! All perfectly valid ways to record and experience history!!!

I feel like some of you people haven't had the pleasure of not being able to afford a certain video game console anywhere in the foreseeable future but knowing there's a game on there that you would love and so you decide to experience it through everything but playing the game itself. That game for me was Drakengard 3 on the Playstation 3 - and it was my favorite game of all time before I actually was able to play it 7 years later. And I think that's why I'm not particularly bothered by Reincarnation being taken offline, because I know you can appreciate it and everything it had to offer without actually playing it - because in Reincarnation's case a lot of people did the actual work of making it accessible online and that includes both fans and the devs for structuring their game in a way that makes it easy to do so.

But all I see is this weird insistance that Lore will be lost and that people won't be able to understand NieR 4 because they can't play NieR 3 to catch up on the Lore anymore even though

a) that hasn't been a thing for a single Yoko Taro game. The only time that ever happened is YoRHa:Dark Apocalypse and even there it didn't actually happen, people just fully misunderstood what part of the story was the actual A Plot and blamed them not understanding that on the Lore.

b) Reincarnation has maybe a handful Elements of concrete Lore and each of them can be summarized in 2 Sentences at most - case in point Noelle's RoD crystal is now part of the official timeline.

3) Drakengard's lore has never been explained once, not even in Drakengard itself, and yet a lot of people were able to love it and/or everything following in its wake - so clearly the lore is not that important, is it?

I also can't help but point out that 10H's story is literally about how she has to rewrite stories from her own memory of them because they keep being maliciously changed and that when she loses access to them completely the first thing she does is to recreate them and then she ends up giving them to someone else to experience (which ends up being herself but aah, technically somebody else)

Anyways, something completely different as a reward for reading all of this bs: Do we think Accord is a Player Insert? Is the Player Accord recording what they're experiencing for the "greater sake of Humanity"? We're always watching the Player Characters from a Third Person View - Who's to say that's not actually Accord's First Person View?

Has Accord been here the whole time?

#nier reincarnation #yoko taro #what if i entered my fuck you got mine era #these people and their lore really make me consider it

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moonstandardtime · 1 year

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hunter toh in my botw au.....oh i could go on and on abt this au. i think ill do lumity next?

feel free to ask question abt the au. please do actually. to get you started heres some base info under the cut. its VERY ramble-y.

base character matchups are Luz as Zelda, Hunter as Link, and Belos as Ganon. this au doesnt involve much from TotK bc i havent finished it but. given the story it will definitely come into play!

basic story/plot/exposition is that 10,000 years ago, the sheikah Made a Hero for the future. just in case. extra safety measure or whatever. they saw how difficult it was to overcome the calamity and were like, hey, what if we made the ideal hero for future hyrule? make it easier. and so they do. they Make a Guy (caleb is the first hero (yknow the one in the hyrule historia manga bit) so his bones arent available to use for a grimwalker. so idk if hunter is a grimwalker of the 10k hero or if hes made entirely independently bc the sheikah. probably could do that) and stick him in the shrine of resurrection. this is the true purpose of the SoR: its really more of a shrine of stasis, to keep this manmade hero alive till hes needed. think cryogenic stasis or whatever.

so. hunter sleeps in the SoR for 10,000 years. has an awful time. one of the first (maybe The first) fic i read on ao3 was about what the SoR was like for botw link and it. stuck with me. so now i incorporate it into everything i make for botw if possible. anyways he has a miserable time, which is important because he had this miserable time for 10,000 years instead of just 100. Anyways. like botw link, he loses his memories. unlike botw link, they are inaccessible. period. there is no remembering Shit. besides like. vague vibes that he was instilled with. turns out if you make a person and tell them for their entire short existence that theyre made for a thing, then even if they forget everything else they Will still remember that theyre made for a thing. even if they dont really. so yeah all hunter knows is that he is not a person, that he exists for a Reason, and how to breathe. and other basic bodily functions. hes basically a big baby with a hero complex.

the rest of the au takes place "pre-calamity". i have a vague idea on how the actual calamity takes place (and how to make it similar to botw w/out so much death bc i have thought Very Much about this specific time period and not whatever the hell would be going on a century later. lmao.)

so. when the SoR is Discovered by sheikah researchers everyone is Very Surprised at the Whole Human Boy inside. because well. that should not be possible. this thing was difficult as hell to get into and also there was quite a bit of rock in the way! so they assume him to be dead and just miraculously preserved by the SoR fluid. And then he wakes up screaming (imagine being in the most agonizing sensory deprivation tank ever for 10,000 years and then abruptly being exposed to the world again. not fun!) and everyone is like OH SHIT ITS ALIVE.

eventually they get him out and not having the worst overstimulation meltdown in the history of all time and space and get back to hashtag Researching. some ppl focus on him (taking care of him (like i said. big baby with a hero complex), figuring out what the hell is up with him, etc) and others continue examining the SoR. the ppl with hunter make very little progress. because just bc hes not having the worst overstimulation meltdown in the history of all time and space, it doesnt mean he has a clue whats going on at all. or that hes not still having one of the worst overstimulation meltdowns in the history of all time and space. the ppl at the SoR, however, find a plaque with his name and vague purpose for existing, as well as the sheikah slate. yippee!!!

after all this, once hes less. of a big baby with a hero complex ig. we move to more character-focused stuff than exposition. so ill end this here for now. if you read all this you are very invited to talk to me abt this! i would love that! a good place to start i think would be with explaining characters. most of the important characters in the show are in this au. and i do mean most. there is quite a lot going on

#my art #hunter toh #toh hunter #the owl house #toh #toh fanart #the owl house fanart #toh botw au #PLEASE ask me questions. i want to talk about this au so much but if i just say it all at once it will be unreadable. because i will ramble #forever. i had to WORK to get this the length it is. and its still long. and theres still so much

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team-heavenly · 7 months

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Chapter 22 - Climbing Sky Peak

Otherwise known as *rolls dice*

...Oh my God-

YEAH SURE WHY NOT!!

This post is going to begin a little a lot more differently than usual. Going in, I knew the Sky Peak arc was going to be a nightmare of text boxes. So I did a little experimenting and took a video of its introduction in Rotom's Cafe - click here to watch that before moving onward.

(Obligatory apologies for many potentially distracting things, including but not limited to: crooked pictures, cloudy lighting, the camera refocusing randomly, random hand cameos, and specks of dirt on the screen.)

I mean—

(I can’t seem to find the artist for this‚ if anyone happens to know who it is pls hmu so I can credit)

Exactly! Let's follow Rhydon's lead and head forth to check out this mountain-

...Er, right. I mean, the Cloudy Well. (Is this the pollution I was foreshadowing?)

Actually, the name feels reminiscent of a level from Spyro 🤔

Butseriouslythisissogodd*mnfunnyamythicalvillagefullOFONIXLMAAAAOOOO

Also don't worry about Team Frontier partially out of frame there, we'll get to them in a minute.

I've played this game for I don't know how many years now, and I literally only had this thought just now-

...But why didn't some flying Pokémon just bypass the ruined mountain pass? Sure, it's inaccessible to everyone else, but unless the entire peak was scorched earth, there's... really no reason for it to have become shrouded in mystery. 🤷‍♀️

Uh, I think that if you lead us on an arduous trek of one of the highest mountains on the continent only for us to arrive at the peak and go "haha just kidding, the treasure was the friendships we made along the way ^-^" I will actually kill you. FYI.

"Hey, Teresa? What do you think? Should we let Onix join us?"

*says no* *gets stuck in a recursive formula* *breaks the world*

...Just kidding, of course 😅

Team Heavenly is more or less prepared already, so of course my top priority is talking to the NPCs.

We... We can't request... a what?!

I have no idea why "rescue" is randomized like a dungeon name here. And in case you think this is a one-off:

??????????

I just thought the idea of a merchant Clefairy (actually he replaces Pelipper, but I digress) was so cute.

Ah and... Team Frontier... Oh man, where do I even begin?

Now, Jolteon is pretty fitting! I can especially see him with Breloom's style of speaking. He also ended up being a great asset in battles, so no complaints here.

So, let's address the Copperajah in the room. You must be wondering what the heck Deoxys is doing here. But clearly, he's the leader, right?

Wrong.

Don't ask how she took the throne. It's said she once razed an entire village with her fangs alone.

No, Deoxys is... a giggly space queen? Which might even be funnier than the phrase "Onix Village" 🤭

...Yeah, best of luck with that one, bud.

Because Onix is a very large Pokémon, I couldn't have anyone else on the team :( So it was just the three of us on this long, dreary trek.

The first section of Sky Peak Cloudy Well was dubbed "Significant Port." (I apparently didn't snap any pictures of the dungeon itself... whoops.)

But similar to this, the first floor was dead silent. No music. And it was snowing. Classic Mt. Silver creepypasta vibes.

Here's a fresh look at Teresa and Andrea's status, alongside Onix. Note the <100 HP despite being 11 levels higher than Andrea.

Onix wasn't bad, per se. She had Swords Dance, Megahorn, and Rock Blast, which is a heck of a combination tbh. That being said... this first dungeon was probably the hardest of them all in retrospect. At least half of that was due to Onix being super fragile, frequently getting OHKO'd by Aqua Jet of all things. (Yeah, Onix is 4x weak to water, but it's not like Aqua Jet is a very strong move.)

The other side of the difficulty coin was Furret and Blastoise both countering half the damage you dealt and, of course, Monster Houses galore. It got bad enough that I threw a Detect Band on Teresa, which did actually help me survive a future Monster House.

Has real big "WW1 Battlefield on Christmas Day" vibes. Lol, I'm sure this won't be an ominous sign of things to come, right?

(Spoiler: It Was.)

If you recall, there are ten station passes and clearings. Because of this, I'm throwing Sky Peak dungeon names into their own post, instead of stuffing them all in the guide. However, the guide itself will include a link to this "sub-guide." As we traverse each station pass, I'll highlight their titles in bold.

Speaking of, the Second Station Pass was known as Sandy Bay...

(Did you mean: Normandy Beach?! Okay yes technically a different war, but listen-)

And we got ambushed by Andrea's brothers and sisters 😭We BARELY made it out of this one, with Andrea hanging on by a thread. So I was ecstatic to pick up a Foe-Hold Orb... only to immediately lose it by spawning into a "mandatory" MH (i.e., in the same room as the stairs).

Okay folks, that's 30 images, so onwards to Part 2!

#pmd explorers #pokemon mystery dungeon #randomizer #post game #climbing sky peak #chapter 22

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ghostlightreviews · 9 months

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I'm actually annoyed at how much I enjoyed The Flash. After years of anticipation for some kind of Flash movie, watching this particular one go through almost every shade of production hell only to top it off with Miller getting embroiled in a string of assault, battery, kidnapping, and peace disturbance charges has been quite an experience.

It's difficult not to sully the movie as a piece of media with a hundred awful extenuating events, after all there is no case for Death of the Author here, Miller and Warner Bros. are very much alive and very much responsible and accountable for all wrongdoings. I deeply hope that Ezra Miller is getting the mental health treatment they need and will find time to openly apologize and make reparations for the widespread harm they have caused in due course. Additionally, WB is not innocent in its contributions to toxic working environments and unfair payment practices to both Writers and Actors. So, please, bear all this in mind during moments of praise dolloped throughout this review.

That being said:

This was way more fun than it should be considering the mess that preceded it.

Ezra Miller is (despite their personal life) incredibly charming and affable in both roles, not to mention still a talented performer who dragged out some real emotion in the final act. Sasha Calle pulls out a measured and organic performance in Supergirl, she is unfortunately burdened with a script and a film that doesn’t deserve her. Keaton, I think, makes me the most sad. After delivering a poignant and deftly crafted Riggan Thomson in Birdman, an actor haunted by the spectre of his superhero past, constantly trying to escape the shadow of the capeshit he spent his life performing in, there is a remarkable lack of awareness from Keaton’s agent and himself in getting back into the Batsuit not once but twice in the span of a few years. That Bat Credit Card was maxed out I guess.

Maribel Verdú as Nora Allen is particularly lovely for the short amount of screen time she has, a real emotional pillar in a silly silly film.

Everyone else was either fine or too completely average to be noticeable.

God, this film looks fucking atrocious. I won’t hear that the speed force scenes VFX were intentional, from top to bottom The Flash looks like a slop of shit, over saturated colours one minute, washed-out Snyder browns and greys the next, and just absolutely inconsistent visual storytelling. Some scenes look okay but not for a film that costs as much as this one, I think there is a stark contrast between intentionally stylized VFX and miscalculated attempts at the aforementioned. There are a couple of really nice practical costumes that basically get sidelined for weirdly clingy green screen abominations.

Okay, comic book asshole hat on now, there was no reason for this to be a half-assed Flashpoint adaptation. As a concept, Flashpoint is not so inaccessible to the general viewing public that you couldn’t just do it fully or not at all. I’m not even sure there is a solid enough reason to not just make The Flashes’ first film just him dealing with his own shit and using Jai Courtney to set up The Rogues as Captain Boomerang. I get that there is a desire to tie up loose ends from the Snyderverse and boot up a new Cinematic Universe at the same time, but it’s so messy that it muddles a really executable Comic Book movie concept.

Ultimately, I think this is where The Flash stumbles the hardest, a promising cast is let down by a film that is so deeply entrenched in the nonsense of a half-baked previous cinematic universe and trying to set one up that doesn’t even exist yet. What a waste. Then to achieve some of the ugliest looking VFX shots in the past decade, all this in a world where Marvel films exist? Truly amazing how hard they fumbled the bag on this.

My biggest hot take is that DC just fundamentally doesn’t get who Barry Allen is. Ezra is great but they play Barry so much closer to how a live-action Wally West Flash, to the point where I don’t get why they gave them Barry at all.

But by far the most filthy thing the film does is a parade of CGI ghouls in a startlingly bad multiversal moment right at the climax of the film. Dragging out the rubbery digital corpses of Adam West and Christopher Reeves is truly abominable and looks so bad, having a weird plasticine Nic Cage Superman when I know he’s the kind of actor who would have been there in a heartbeat to shoot a scene is bizarre AND to leave out two very much ALIVE actors who have catapulted The Flash into mainstream fame, John Wesley Shipp and Grant Gustin, the latter of which just ended a prolific tenure as Barry Allen this past year is unforgivable. Especially when the TV Flash found room for a fun Ezra Miller cameo, to completely ice out Gustin is really awful. But I guess par for the course for a film studio that, is currently actively ignoring fair working conditions for writers and actors, just vaulted a completed Batgirl project starring Brendan Fraser, and has a history of hiring abusers to create projects for them.

What a shame, there’s something special deep in the shit here, something that the audience has been robbed of. Some really fun and inventive moments on display, marred by a deep desire for people to remember Batman exists and used to be fun too. What a waste of everyone’s time and talent.

To be fair, the Looney Tunes moments with young Barry are so joyful and fun that we really just needed the whole film to feel like that.

1.5/5

Find me on Letterboxd here

#movie review #film review #letterboxd #film #cinema #james xavier lam #ezra miller #dc #comic books #the flash #batman #supergirl

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csvent-2 · 1 year

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(terraliens / species gen)

(also sorry for the long post, i have a lot of thoughts with this)

is it just me or are closed species specifically made to be inaccessible to newcomers? Terraliens is my first closed species, ive been in it for 2 weeks (when the species was only 2 weeks old) and while there have been a huge ton of adopt opportunities but theyre all:

a.) Raffles, which is a problem because in such a big server your chances are so close to 0 you might as well not play at all, preclaim raffles included

b.) Auctions, which easily spike to $200-$300+. if you dont wanna drop a band on the artist's new NFT youre out of luck, and if you ever say anything about it you get dogpiled because "artists deserve to get paid for their work." im not saying artists shouldnt get paid, but i dont think its justifiable to constantly have these insanely high price points when you advertise your closed species as newcomer friendly and say that if people dont want to spend any money, they dont have to, that MYOs are totally free (except theyre raffles and you have better luck of getting struck by lightning than actually getting one) its unfair and tbh kinda shitty to say "if you arent willing to pay artists for their work then you dont deserve art" when with a lot of people thats not the case, they want to participate but physically do not have the budget for a $500-$700 adopt

c.) OTAs, which are so unobtainable its not even funny. How can it be fair for newcomers when people are allowed to offer fursuit commissions under OTAs? not to mention that if someone is totally new to closed species they probably wont have any other cs characters to offer, which is what most people usually want. oh great, another closed species to join, try to actively participate in, and get ignored in all so you can have an inkling of a chance at getting a character you actually want I think there should be some OTAs that have restrictions to what type of art is allowed, like maybe a fullbody w/ background only OTA or an icon only OTA so everyone can actually have a shot. though to be honest, i don't think OTAs will ever be fair in big servers. theres too far of skill gaps and people with actual businesses will always win (not throwing shade, just stating the truth) ive seen people suggest a level system which i think could work a lot better, you could survey users on things like how new they are to cs, what they self evaluate their art skill to be, and how much money they wanna spend and then divide members up that way, give them roles based on their level, and have level-specific adopts and such so everyone could get a chance. though i can see this getting abused to give all the level 1s the shitty adopts nobody wants

my point is, lots of people in the terraliens server act like its this super FTO and newcomer-friendly place, but from what ive seen thats really not the case. granted, its the only closed species im in so it might be this cs heaven compared to others, but this is just my personal observations

genuinely want other people's input on this, its something that bothers me a lot

A lot of species are very inaccessible unfortunately. It’s why they become popular. Because if you have one, it becomes a status symbol.

#terraliens #general cs #csvent #closed species venting

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the-girl-in-the-box · 1 year

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One Swallow Can Make A Summer V

A/N: Finally back with an update! I'll be real honest, I… finished writing this like at least a week ago if not longer, but I've just been so busy with the holiday season that I never got around to posting it XD So, even if it is super late, I hope you'll still enjoy!

Summary: The world is at war, and none will be left unchanged in its wake. Downton Abbey is now a convalescent home where wounded officers are sent to recover, and Sergeant Thomas Barrow couldn’t be more satisfied with his position in running it. But with the arrival of a kind new maid, the downstairs dynamic shifts, and Thomas finds himself in the middle of a strange situation, which only grows stranger as the war goes on. With the answers he seeks hidden in the Abbey’s past, inaccessible to Thomas alone, and danger lurking around any corner, he’ll have to learn to trust his instincts and his allies before it’s too late.

Masterlist

“I just can’t understand why they hired him. He falls to pieces just because some general is leaving, begging us not to send him back, when that wasn’t even on the table? I don’t know, seems there should have been some sign that he wasn’t ready to work again yet.”

Thomas shrugged in response to Sylvia’s words as he sipped his tea. “Can’t always tell with these things,” he pointed out. “But I will give you that they should have noticed after that stunt he pulled the other night, carrying on in the middle of the night the way he did.”

Sylvia hummed as she pulled a needle through the dress she was stitching up, tugging on thread to make the stitch itself disappear entirely. “A bad dream’s one thing,” she allowed. “Don’t know anyone who doesn’t have those here and there, but waking the whole attic up because of one?” She paused to shake her head. “He won’t last long after today anyway, so I don’t see that it really matters anymore. He needs to just go and rest, and find work again once he’s good and ready for it. Not right now.”

“I’m not sure why you think you get a say in any of this,” O’Brien interrupted. Thomas looked over at her with a slightly lifted brow. “He’s seen things you never have, and I don’t blame him for having a bit of a panic at the thought of going back to war.”

The lack of an immediate answer from Sylvia made Thomas look back over at her, only to find an icy smile on her lips, and a fire in her eyes. This ought to be interesting.

“Maybe I haven’t seen what he has,” she allowed, “but he hasn’t lived what I have. Stay in your place, Ms. O’Brien. If I want your opinion, I’ll ask for it.”

Thomas’s eyes widened. It felt strange, to see the two people he considered to be his friends in that house arguing over anything. But ultimately, he had to say he agreed with Sylvia. “I’ve seen what he has, and I’ve never caused a scene over it,” he pointed out. “All the officers in this house have, and they’re fine.”

Well, no, that wasn’t actually true, but what was he supposed to say? He knew everyone that sort of horror differently. He didn’t have to think very long to remember the things he’d seen at the hospital, what- who- he had lost at the hospital. Maybe he was so quick to write Lang off because of that. It still wasn’t easy for him to go there, and seeing Lang struggle made him wonder- would Edward have struggled this way had he lived? Had this sort of thing played a part in his decision? Thomas himself saw the trenches every time he closed his eyes. What if he could never open them again?

He was grateful for the interruption of William Mason, no longer a footman but now a visitor to Downton, coming into the room. He looked older in his uniform than he had in his livery. Apparently, William hadn’t overheard very much of their conversation, as he sat down and asked, “Who’s fine?”

“The officers upstairs,” Sylvia answered. “You know, maybe Mr. Lang would have done better if he had gotten to convalesce. Do we know if he did?”

“It weren’t here, if so,” William replied, and then he smiled at her. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m William- William Mason.” He stretched his hand out across the table.

“Sylvia Sharpe,” she said, and shook it. “I’m afraid I’ve been busy for most of your visit, but it’s good to meet you now. When do you leave for the front?”

“Tomorrow morning,” he answered. “I’m to be stationed in the Sommes.”

Sylvia turned her attention back to Thomas and asked him, “Isn’t that where you were? He realised then that he also had William’s attention now, not that it made much difference.

“Until they brought me back here after my injury,” he confirmed, then addressed William. “I don’t know why you seem so excited to be going over there, it’s a nightmare.” He grew a little irritated when William just smiled and shrugged.

“I just want to help, I think- however I can,” he replied. “If that’s on the front lines in the trenches, then that’s that.”

Sylvia looked at him thoughtfully, and she hummed softly as she returned to her mending. “I hope you hold onto your enthusiasm,” she commented. “And I hope you’re spared from the worst of it over there. I haven’t been myself, of course, but I’ve heard enough to know I’d never want to.”

William’s smile faltered, and Thomas couldn’t help the way his lips quirked up into a small smirk. If it was so bad he’d gotten himself shot to escape it, how was someone like William going to survive it? He was too soft and nice for the sort of violence and death he was going to face. He was too good for it. Truthfully, although Thomas hated to say it- or rather, strongly disliked saying it- he wasn’t sure he’d make it out of there alive. The thought came out as a halfway sneered, “Oh I don’t know, Sylvia, I think you’d survive it. Not too sure about our William, though.”

There was no faltering this time- William’s smile dropped entirely, completely washed away. Thomas felt a little sting when he saw, though it wasn’t quite enough to make him want to rectify it. Still, he was going off to war in the morning, a war Thomas himself had already seen first hand. Somehow he felt like it might have been a little cruel even for him, and a glance over at Sylvia told him she felt the same way.

He watched William shift uncomfortably for a moment, before finally starting to get up. “I should probably go… see if there’s anything I can do to help upstairs,” he said, rather unconvincingly- especially considering the fact he wasn’t staff anymore. “I’ll be back down later.”

He stood and started to go, but Sylvia stopped him by calling out to him. “William,” she said. He turned back to look at her. “Keep your chin up. Stay alert, stay low. I think you’ve got a better chance than we’ve given you credit for.”

His smile began to come back, even if only halfheartedly. “Thanks,” he said. “I’ll do my best.” As he finally went on upstairs, Thomas found himself a bit relieved that Sylvia had gone ahead and boosted William’s spirits a bit- at least someone had.

But was that really what she wanted? To be always cleaning up the wounds his sharp tongue left behind? As good natured as she was, even to the point of helping him- him!- through his various trials, he couldn’t imagine she’d be willing to put up with this for very long.

Thomas’s mind began filling rapidly with these sorts of thoughts, and so he also soon stood, and stalked off toward his office without another word. Even though he heard Sylvia call out, “Sergeant Barrow?” he didn’t stop, but he ignored her attempts at reaching out to him. If he hadn’t, he would have gone back to hear her out and just put off the inevitable. No, he couldn’t do that this time.

Sylvia frowned a little when he didn’t come back, and she let out a small sigh. “Any idea what might be wrong with him?” she asked O’Brien, turning her attention from the now empty hall back to the lady’s maid on the other side of the table. They hadn’t spoken very much, not with as much time as Sylvia spent either with Thomas or working, but she figured now was as good a time as any- especially knowing how close she was to the man in question. At least, that’s what Anna had told her.

O’Brien gave her a bit of a funny look, and frowned. “Nothing’s wrong with him,” she said. “He just likes to make himself scarce sometimes, that’s all.”

“Does he?” Sylvia questioned. She had noticed that he usually kept himself to himself, sure, but somehow that didn’t feel like that was all this was, not in the immediate aftermath of his little spat with William (if it could even be called a spat, she wasn’t sure it had escalated enough to warrant it).

“He does,” O’Brien replied. “What’s it to you, anyway? He’s military staff, not house staff. He won’t be any help to you.”

Sylvia’s smile turned almost imperceptibly fake. “Is it so wrong for me to want to be friends with him without wanting something from him?” she asked. Why would O’Brien think she had to have a motive?

“No, not at all,” O’Brien answered. “But he’s a prickly one, I just don’t see why you’d go for his friendship instead of, say, Anna’s… or anyone else who seems nice like you.”

She chuckled a bit in response and shook her head, cutting the thread as she finished her mending. “I didn’t connect with them the way I did with him,” she confessed. “Maybe he can be a bit prickly. But is it any wonder with everything he’s been through?”

“He’s told you then?” O’Brien questioned. “Funny- he’s not the type to open up.”

Sylvia shrugged and started to pack up her sewing kit. “No,” she agreed. “But we’re quite similar, he and I. I think things just tend to come out when you’re talking to someone who knows the same pain you do.”

“And you know his pain, do you? How convenient,” O’Brien accused, and Sylvia bristled.

So, she was going to go there, was she? It was one thing to wonder about her intentions with Thomas- she’d expect that from a friend who just cared to protect him, but to insinuate she’d make something up on this level just to get through to him? It told her quite a lot about what O’Brien herself would do, certainly. Projection had always been such an eye opener.

“If you think you’re going to make me try and prove myself to you, you’re wrong,” she said, her tone and words clipped. “I can see what this is, anyway- you’re jealous. He agreed with me instead of you earlier, and now you’re afraid you’re losing his grip on him. But I’m not going to stand here and let you sling accusations at me just because you feel threatened, and I’m not entirely sure how comfortable he’d be with it if he knew.” Sylvia smirked at her just slightly. “So be careful, Ms. O’Brien, and be sure to mind your own business. I won’t have you minding mine.”

O’Brien blinked a few times, surprised with the pushback, but Sylvia could see her quickly readjusting, making new calculations which were reflected in her eyes. Eventually, she said, “I do wonder if Sergeant Barrow knows this side of you.”

“Of course he does,” Sylvia said with a roll of her eyes. “Haven’t I already said we’ve become friends because of the things we recognise in each other? Even down to how ‘prickly’ we can both get. Why do you think that’s no surprise to me?”

“Because you’ve turned out to be the same way, if you’re to be believed,” O’Brien said.

“Are you just trying to rattle me, is that what this is?” Sylvia asked, narrowing her eyes and letting out a disbelieving chuckle. “Really?” She shook her head. “Well, I think I’m going to get on with my work, and check in with Thomas. Good day, Ms. O’Brien.”

She stood and gathered the dress she’d mended, walking quickly toward Thomas to make good on that. But, as fast as she was walking, she knocked straight into Anna who was coming around the corner with a dress of her own- or likely, of Lady Mary’s. “Oh goodness, I’m sorry,” Anna said with a light laugh. “If you’d been a snake, I think you would have bitten me.”

“No, I’m afraid the snake’s just through there,” Sylvia retorted, and tossed her head back to indicate O’Brien. Anna’s eyes widened.

“Has something happened?” she questioned, concern lacing her voice.

Sylvia sighed and shifted on her feet. “Unfortunately so,” she replied. “I don’t think Ms. O’Brien approves of my friendship with Sergeant Barrow, and she’s decided to make that my problem.”

She could read in Anna’s face that the maid wasn’t exactly surprised, especially as she very nearly rolled her eyes. “Of course she has,” she said, just a touch exasperated. “I don’t think she’s ever had an opinion without making it someone else’s problem.” She sighed and shook her head. “Just… try to keep your head down, and don’t fight her unless you’re prepared to fight fire with fire. She’s the type who won’t drop it unless you do.”

“Apparently so,” Sylvia agreed. “Unless she’s the type to give up if you don’t react very much?”

“Oh, I wish she was,” Anna chuckled. “No, she’ll push it until she’s satisfied- but your Sergeant Barrow’s much the same way, you know.”

Sylvia hummed slightly. “Well, on that note, I think I should be going,” she said. “You’ve reminded me that I meant to speak with him about something, so if you’ll excuse me…”

She brushed past Anna before she had a chance to say anything else, not wanting to stand and talk about Thomas in that way. Besides, she had more important matters to attend to.

Thomas looked up when he heard the door to his office open, and his brows lifted at the sight of a rather frustrated Sylvia walking in. He didn’t even get a chance to say anything before she had asked, “Is O’Brien always like this?” Ah, that explained a lot.

His lips quirked up into an amused sort of smirk. “You’ll have to be more specific,” he quipped, but then grew more serious as he asked, “What did she do?”

“Oh, the usual…” Sylvia said, rolling her eyes. “Just, accused me of making things up to get close to you, questioning why I’d even want to with as ‘prickly’ as you are… Then Anna was telling me that you’re just like O’Brien, which I don’t agree with in the slightest of course, but it’s just… is this whole house against you, or something?”

Thomas chuckled bitterly. “Seems like it sometimes,” he confessed. “I take it you’re not though, if you’re in here mad about that?”

“Of course I’m not,” she replied. “You and I are too much alike for that, I think. And everything they try to tell me to change my mind, it isn’t as though it’s nothing I haven’t heard before…”

Nothing you don’t know yet, Thomas thought with a hum. But he knew O’Brien had information on him that really might just change her mind. Not that he was surprised to hear she was beginning to meddle, but if she went too far… Well, he just had to hope it wouldn’t come to that.

He decided to try and change the subject before that conversation went deeper. “Did you see William again?”

“William?” Sylvia repeated, lifting a brow. “He’s the one shipping out in the morning, isn’t he?” Thomas nodded. “No, I haven’t seen him again.” Thomas hummed quietly, and her tone grew more gentle as she asked, “You two don’t get on very well, do you?”

“We could have, I think,” Thomas mused. “It’s not his fault. I just…” He paused and sighed. “I say things sometimes, I don’t really know why. I don’t even know that I meant what I said earlier… Not that anyone would believe me if I tried to tell them that- if they’d even care at this point- so I don’t really try anymore. I was snippy when I was a kid, and they wouldn’t believe it if I tried to change. Why bother?”

Sylvia offered him a small, somewhat sad smile. “Have you tried telling William this?” she asked. “I don’t get the feeling he’d have a bad response, and anyway… you don’t want that to be the last thing you say to him, do you? If the worst does happen?”

Thomas began to drum his fingers on his desk. She was right, and he’d known the truth of everything she was saying from the moment he’d said what he had to William. “It won’t be the last thing I say to him,” he eventually told her. “I’ll send him off with something nice.”

“That’s good,” Sylvia replied, and her smile turned a bit happier.

Thomas looked up at her curiously, then chuckled. “Next thing I know, you’ll be telling me to make friends with him when he gets back, if he makes it,” he accused her with a playful smirk, and Sylvia chuckled a bit herself.

“Would it be the worst thing in the world, though? If you did?”

“Would it?” Thomas repeated. William may well have been one of the nicest people he had ever known, but there was a lot of water under that bridge- probably too much, if he was honest with himself. Then, there was the other thing… That was what made Thomas shake his head. “It’s too late for that,” he said. “And you know me, I don’t need too many to be close to me anyway, so even if he was willing…”

“Do you really think he wouldn’t be?” Sylvia asked. “He seems too nice to hold a grudge, if you really did decide you wanted to start over.”

“Of course he is,” Thomas agreed. “But that doesn’t change the rest- I just don’t need him.”

“Is that really all it is?” Sylvia questioned. “Or do you not want to let him get close to you for some reason?”

“That’s all it is!” he snapped suddenly. He regretted it as soon as he saw the way her eyes widened, but that was an answer he just couldn’t give her. Thomas knew what people thought of men like him, and even as friendly as she was… well, that was just the thing. She was good, he’d finally realised that, and yes, she was friendly, but that didn’t mean they were alike just enough for him to trust her with this. Who could say if she’d still accept him if she knew? How could he really justify taking that risk? Oh, but that look on her face…

She nodded. “Alright,” she said, and he wished her voice hadn’t gone so quiet. “Well, I should… probably get back to work, then. I’ll see you at dinner.”

Sylvia slipped out of the room, leaving Thomas to do nothing but sigh and run his hands over his face. He really couldn’t stop sabotaging himself for one minute, could he? Just because he couldn’t tell her one thing… he had gone ahead and scared off the one person who didn’t talk to him because she wanted something from him. Fantastic.

Well, he imagined she’d believe the stories now, what Anna said, and everyone else. It had been a rare chance for him to start from scratch when she told him she didn’t believe gossip without any evidence, but now he’d given her plenty. And what if she went and started spreading her own story? How she had been nothing but kind to him, and he all but bit her head off for trying to help him patch up a relationship.

Thomas tried to distract himself by angrily flipping through his various records, but he found it hard to do as he kept imagining how everyone would welcome Sylvia with open arms as she told them what happened, how she’d finally seen the light, and they’d be so happy that she wouldn’t be wasting her time on him anymore… Even William would probably tell her she’d dodged a bullet in him.

Let her talk! She’d told him plenty enough to fight back with. Sure, she could do a lot of damage with as much as he’d told her, but it wouldn’t be without paying the price for it herself… She’d thought she had found a kindred spirit in him, clearly, and… And…

And he had thought the same, hadn’t he? He had really thought he’d had a shot at something genuine for once. But he couldn’t keep his mouth shut for five minutes, and it had cost him. Now, instead of talking to her over late night tea, he was planning to fight back against her if she started anything.

Will that really make you feel better? Sylvia’s voice whispered to him in his mind, and Thomas frowned, returning to his work to try and shut it out.

Taglist: @butwhyhavethey, @marxin-grilli, @queencharleeblog

If you want to be added to the taglist, feel free to reach out either by commenting, reblogging, DMing me, or sending an ask, and I’ll be more than happy to add you!

#thomas barrow #thomas barrow & oc #downton abbey #one swallow can make a summer #chapter five #robert james collier #tw: ptsd

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mostspecialgirl · 8 months

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nonsensical super nerd rant below about the fate series. spoilers for the stay night routes and zero ahead, probably

okay, we’re good, right?

every time someone tries to get someone else to start fate by saying “just watch it in the correct order. start with Fate/Zero :)” Something in me dies. Ive had to tweet about it so many times. There is no series i will ever have nerd rage of this caliber over other than fate. reading fate/stay night changed the way i engage with media and feel about storytelling and writing and all that stuff and its like Why would you ever want someone to spoil all of the coolest twists in fate/stay night by watching zero. it literally spoils like ALL of them. (by the way, gil’s introduction and reveal with him coming out of nowhere is what cemented him as one of my firm favorites. he’s so cool!!!!) And i know the answer. Because no one plays the VN. Because no one ever plays visual novels and theyd rather just flick on an anime. Because for some god awful reason there is no definitive adaptation that cleanly allows you to digest the fate stay night routes !!!!!!!!!! and reading the fucking thing will take you forever !!!!!!!!! and it’s so terribly inaccessible!!!!!! i probably wouldn’t have played it if my sister didn’t already jump through the hoops for me !!!!!!

people who are fate fans and talk about how good unlimited blade works or heavens feel are two starkly different groups depending on if they watched it or read it because they are genuinely two completely different things. don’t get me wrong i Love Love LOVE the heavens feel movies and i doubt they could have done them all too much better (ubw however… ) BUT the thing is fate RELIES on shirou’s internal monologuing and narration and SO much is lost when you have to transfer all of that from writing to screen. even with the english patch translation purportedly being less than ideal i was still out here getting my heartstrings played with by the writing.

BUT ENOUGH GUSHING!!!! THATS THE THING!!!! THE STAY NIGHT ROUTE IN ANIME FORM IS NONEXISTENT!!! UBW AND HEAVENS FEEL ARE SO SEPARATED!!!! THEY’RE THREE ACTS OF A WHOLE AND IT’S PAINFUL TO HAVE THEM BE SO SEPARATED PEOPLE START WITH THE PREQUEL that, while standalone is an incredible story, CANNOT BE EXPERIENCED TO FULL BREADTH WITHOUT HAVING READ STAY NIGHT FIRST!!!! PEOPLE ARE LICKING THE WRAPPER OF A CANDY AND THINKING ITS THE DAMN TASTIEST THING IN THE WORLD !!!!! YOU ARE NOT YET A FAN !!!!! YOU’RE MISSING THE WHOLE POINT !!!!!! KOTOMINE’S VALUE AND INTRIGUE AS A CHARACTER IS UNDERMINED !!!!! GILGAMESH HAS NO TIME TO BE TRULY HORRIFYING BECAUSE YOURE TOO BUSY BEING DISTRACTED BY HOW SEXY HE IS !!!!!! EVERYTHING ABOUT KIRITSUGU !!!!!!!!! SAKURA’S ENTIRE BACKSTORY CHANGING HOW YOU UNDERSTAND AND VIEW HER AS A CHARACTER !!!!!!!!!!! THE FACT THAT YOU KNOW ZOUKEN EVEN EXISTS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(composing myself instantly) i just think it’s kind of garbage how people see cool screenshots from the VN and go Wow I Can’t Wait To Go And Not Experience This Thing I’m Getting Intrigued By. or seeing astolfo and thinking fate is all about porn. fate is so much more than anyone thinks it is and you can’t understand until you sit down and read it and suddenly you’re born anew and have to go play tsukihime or mahoyo too. it’s absurd that fate’s whole reputation online is based around porn addicts because YES, EVERYONE, fate OBVIOUSLY began as a Naked Boobs Visual Novel but it was God’s Greatest Naked Boobs Visual Novel that was SO damn good it stopped being about porn immediately and cemented itself as an astoundingly successful work of fiction that has engrained itself into the world line. they added gacha to it and it’s been one of the most successful mobile games Ever. the seventh highest grossing mobile game of all time. and it’s straight up just another VN with barebones combat and grinding thrown inbetween

anyway i forgot what i was even getting mad about everyone should sit down and drain away a week or so reading through all of fate stay night. and then they can truly earn the incomparable experience of cry watching today’s menu for the emiya family. that is all.

supplementary edit: i used to read through fate stay night together with my sister every day in the late afternoon and it became such a great ritual for us. it was some of the best times of my life and if you’re going to read it and have a likeminded friend who can just sit there and chill out for like an hour with you it makes all the crazy moments so much more fun. because you probably are here to read my rant despite not playing the vn. i remember i had a little text file on my phone we’d update every time we learned the identity of a new servant or master and id be sitting there using my love for mythology trying to figure out their identities. there was such a delightful satisfaction when finished the stay night route and unlimited blade works and got to begin the next one. i’d give up a lot to relive those days, i think.

#leastspecialgirl #mostspecialreading

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lindajenni · 8 months

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oct 3

winds of change are coming

"daniel spoke, saying, “i saw in my vision by night, and behold, the four winds of heaven were stirring up the great sea." dan 7:2

before i get into that, let me repeat something below.

"what if the wind ceased to blow? i don't think there would be many dramatic instant effects. some children (and adults) would have their kites drop from the sky, stuff would stop blowing around, sailing ships would be stuck and the temperature of some room would increase or decrease slightly. after some time the last wave would hit shore leaving the sea pretty much still, tornadoes and hurricanes would stop.

after a few days the problem arrives. without wind systems warm, moist air won't move around. water might still evaporate but it won't travel meaning anywhere away from a large body of water will dry up. lakes might be alright as the evaporating water will fall back into them and the sea will be fine but anywhere else will get very dry very quickly. plants, animals and humans will slowly die from dehydration with most water inaccessible being salt water or ice. even if we survive this the problems don't stop. the equator will no longer shed its heat as quickly so it will become very warm, mountains may remain cool enough to be habitable but nowhere else will. at the same time the poles, deprived of heat from the equator, will freeze solid.

there are other effects but it basically boils down to everyone dying."

now read rev 7:1. "after these things i saw four angels standing at the four corners of the earth, holding the four winds of the earth, that the wind should not blow on the earth, on the sea, or on any tree."

so wind is necessary for life. "the wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it, but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. so is everyone who is born of the Spirit." john 3:8 the Holy Spirit is the bringer and giver of life.

there are also winds (spirits) that blow from a different source; evil spirits. october and halloween are their time to demonstrate; to manifest. play no part. it is not a innocent children's holiday. it is a time to lift up and attempt to glorify evil, perhaps even being a precursor to the abomination that causes desolation.

no, the Lord has not whispered to me exactly what those changes may be, but even a casual glance alerts the believer that spiritual darkness is on the increase with all the lawlessness and vainglory. while the unbeliever may be bewildered, they still live in the natural and seek solutions there.

i suspect they, along with the casual believer will soon will be shaken by those changes. i was watching some seasoned believers talking the other day about occurrences they had heard about.

there were some runners and one experienced believer was overtaken by a lovely, tall, blonde woman. she approached with a smile but then her eyes suddenly turned black. knowing warfare, he verbally took authority over the spirit and as she ran ahead she opened her mouth to reveal sharpened teeth and growled.

then there was the pastor of a church, called by the deputy because the neighbors were complaining about the ruckus going on inside the church. the deputy assumed it was a youth meeting go wild but upon calling the pastor, he assured him there was none scheduled. they both went to the church, heard the loud noises, piano playing and all. as soon as they opened the door to enter the church all sounds immediately ceased and examination revealed no one was present; at least none visible.

curious, the deputy did some research which revealed the building and land had been dedicated to the dancers of lucifer. it seems the assembly had purchased an old building and restored it. the land was eventually made into a parking lot and the church rebuilt on an adjacent property. all subsequent happenings ceased.

fact or fiction all? for those who believe, no proof is necessary. for those who don't believe, no proof is possible. these things have always been among us, but now even more. as more and more embrace the deception of darkness, manifestations multiply accordingly. it's kind of like the fiction/comedy film ghost busters where everything comes to a crescendo. the fact is, the veil is thinning between the natural and supernatural.

"for the mystery of lawlessness is already at work; only He who now restrains will do so until He is taken out of the way." 2 thess 2:7 the restrainer, the church, acts in conjunction with the Holy Spirit. as long as we are here exercising our authority, the devil cannot have his day in full measure. he and following spirits are restrained; held back.

"woe to you who desire the day of the Lord! for what good is the day of the Lord to you? it will be darkness, and not light." amos 5:18 what else is the tribulation but satan gone wild accompanied by the wrath of God poured out. "assuredly, I say to you, all these things will come upon this generation" matt 23:36 "for then there will be great tribulation, such as has not been since the beginning of the world until this time, no, nor ever shall be." matt 24:21

the winds of change are coming as old spirits are loosed from their bonds for the appointed time. they will walk among mankind again, revealed for all to see. "and the angels who did not keep their proper domain, but left their own abode, He has reserved in everlasting chains under darkness for the judgment of the great day." jude 1:6 just how much of their evil we will be allowed to see i cannot say, only that even now it gets progressively worse.

just listen to this: "leading UFO researcher ron james says senior figures in the US government fear aliens are in fact demons. ron, who is director of media relations for UFO research group MUFON, claims there is 'a very large contingent of people' within the pentagon who opposed the work of the advanced aerospace threat identification program [AATIP] because they think the UAPs regularly reported by US military sources are piloted by creatures from Hell."

only those grounded in the Holy Spirit will have a defense and the armor of God to battle with. you have been warned. now take up your armor that you may be able to stand against the wiles of the devil. some battle with action while others battle with prayer, but both are urgent. "for yet a little while, and He who is coming will come and will not tarry." heb 10:37 yes, there is hope in our future. maranatha!

#prayer #faith #rapture #jesus #jesus is coming

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promotionrubyalston · 1 year

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Evaluation 1

Throughout my research, visiting galleries has helped me understand the importance of organisation in collaborative shows and exhibitions. How a work is shown in a space is very important and can completely change the appearance of an artwork especially when grouped with others of a different theme. A gallery space should not be overly busy as it then might take away the individuality of each piece.

In the ‘Taste’ exhibition at the GOMA the display of work was simple yet effective. Consisting of white walls with the addition of artists names in bold text. Within my research I’ve discovered that the majority of galleries and exhibitions rarely offer information in paper form anymore. They have now progressed to using QR codes that will take you to further information. I think covid is a significant reason as to why this started as it reduces the amount of touching. A positive of this is that it’s become a much more eco friendly way for an artist to promote their work. QR codes allow artists to add as much information as the want and advertise their other platforms. With the leaflets gone it allows gallery’s to look clean and not ruin the appearance of the space and the work itself. One negative of QR codes is that it becomes inaccessible to people who may not have smart phones, maybe the older generation, making it extremely hard to accommodate everyone. Additionally I believe myself that leaflets can also act as a souvenir, a copy that the public can take home with them.

While visiting the GOMA I had a look at the Elizabeth Price exhibition ‘Slow Dans’, which consists of 3 films. At the entrance to the exhibition there was a small introduction about the artist, followed by a brief explanation of the work and a QR code which provided further information. What I found really interesting about Price’s Exhibition is that on the way into the film there was a tv showing which screen was playing which film, what was currently playing and also when the next one would start. This is really helpful as a viewer, usually when walking into a gallery and there’s a film playing Its hard to know whether it’s the start middle or end so this allows the viewer to know exactly what they are watching and when the next one will start.

In addition to QR codes, social media in general is a massive benefit in todays art world. Having a platform to promote your work becomes a great way of building connections and having loyal followers. Platforms such as instagram, Facebook or personal websites allows the public to access upcoming show dates and share to others. I definitely feel like now a days artists are really lucky to have this option.

Finally, a good addition to an exhibition is to have floor plans to make the space easy to navigate. This lets viewers to understand more about the space and become familiar with each artist and where one ends and another one starts.

Evaluation 2

Throughout the promotional module I have carried out different research, visited galleries and exhibitions across Glasgow and Edinburgh, and explored the different elements within the promotion and display of work. This research has influenced the installation of my degree show as well as helped widen my knowledge for the future in my professional career as an artist.

In regards to the promotional aspect of my degree show I carried out different ways to promote my work as an individual as well as a whole class. First of all we wanted to digitally promote our work so as a class we took charge of the colleges official instagram account so that we could do a takeover. This was spread out over 2 weeks with 2 to 3 students each day. Each student prepared their own artist statement along with 3 images of their best work. This allowed the public to get a preview of each student as well as brief context of their work. Alongside this I have also been regularly posting on my professional instagram account where I show previous and current projects I’ve been working on. In the past few weeks I have been exchanging follows with the design students in order to gain and build a following for my account in hope that other artists will find me and can contact me for collaboration work.

I used a QR code generator to create a link that directs you straight to my creative instagram account. I plan to print this out very small to sit underneath my name plaque so that it doesn’t distract from my work. I have discovered that this is a great way of promoting myself as an artist and allowing the audience to gather more information about my work and view projects I have been working on. Throughout my research and visits to galleries I’ve came across QR codes in almost every exhibition, i believe this is a good way for artists to get in contact with one another.

As a class we collaborated with the design students and set up meetings to discuss the marketing of the show. we decided that the design and photography students could be responsible for the posters and flyers as they have a better understanding of digital posters. I think the final posters do look good however I feel as though the imagery doesn’t relate at all to contemporary art practice and doesn’t show its full potential. I think if our class had a say in it we could have made it look a lot more creative and exciting for the public. I have decided that on the week leading up to the degree show I am going to hand out posters in my work as I have formed a bond with a lot of the members and know they would love to see my work. I will also be posting stories on my instagram account with all the information of the show to get out to my followers.

Overall I am pleased with the efforts made in relation to the promotion of our degree show. I feel as though I have made good efforts to promote myself as an artist as well as contribute my thoughts and ideas to the course as a whole.

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p-o-t-g · 1 year

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Yeah, no one would ever care if you don’t show them. I mean, it was more than enough time for me and now i need to stop. Because since i stopped, we are better. No me, but we are. So just like this, i don’t mess up no one. And everyone can keep talking the other that can help them. You know, not me but, i can not be close with anyone. Its sad, but truth. I am not the best person to be close with. Everybody likes me tho, everybody, yeah. Everybody likes me. Everybody likes me. Everybody would be attached to me until, they finally get better and gets away from me. And its perfect, fucking perfecr thats perfect so good i am so happy so happy i am so happy yes i am definetly don’t want anyone to be close to me because otherwise i could ruin them with my problematic personality becuase whenever it came out, everyone starts to complain. Thats why, i don’t need to share any damn thing. If i am bad at comforting, i cannot be comforted either. Its making my blood boil so bad. I can’t keep the anger inside of my body. I hate it so much, its so gross, i hate it its gross. I hate it i hate it i hate it this feeling but more of it, i really am so angry to everything. I am angry to them ghosts, but i do not have any right to feel this way i know damn well this feeling nonsense and there is no point to talk about, so i don’t. And also,if it’ll happen, it will happen every way. So literally no point to talk OR think about but my mind, i can not stop this feeling, its inaccessible. Fuck i am going insane and i don’t want to do or say something that will make things bad but physically i shake from this anger. Fuck fuck fuck fuck i feel like i need to throw up the anger is so much i can’t hold it i don’t know what tod o i just don’t know i know its nonsense and not important i know this i really do but my feelings is different oh ghosts its so bad i don’t think i am able to express myself well but its just making me mad so mad so mad so mad my whole body shaking i can’t think anything else but just suffer so bad so bad suffering so bad when is this gonna end its so bad ghosts i cant do it fuckm stop iy please stop it please please so bad please stop it please ghosts stop it its too much too damn much i act like an obsessive asshole but damn it its just getting worse i suffer myslef maybe. I know its uncomfortable for them so i choose not to talk about bt, THEN WHO THE FUCK AM I GONNA TALK ABOUT ALL OF THIS GHOSTS? WHO? WHO IS WITH ME GHOSTS FUCKING WHO? I KNOW EVERYONE TRIES BUT I JUST HATE TO TELL THEM. I ALSO WANT TO TELL A LOT BUT I JUST CAN’T BECAUSE THERE IS NOTHING TO DO AND THEY WILL BE WORSE I KNOW THEY WILL, ONE DON’T HAVE TIME AND ALL OTHERS TRIGGERS WITH EVERYTHING I FUCKING SAY GHOSTS THERE IS JUST NO ONE I CAN TELL ABOUT IT AND I WANT THAT.

i really wanted that.

But no one is close to me anymore, thanks to ME again.

no one.

I don’t want someone who will feel bad or trigger and feel bad about MY PERSONAL THINGS.

i want someone i can tell without concern.

Is it really that hard to find someone like that?

I mean, i had one but, i kinda lost him and did really bad things, i really did, bad things. I lost one of the most rare friends i have just because i don’t know any fucking thing about feelings and just make him feel SO BAD i am a really selfish asshole for not noticing his emotions and not just give A NORMAL response. Instead, i literally played with him for my emotions.

I am, someone that no one should get close. Like, really close.

But, i know i should not tell anyone anything about me because its all nonsense. Still, i would want someone that i can tell almost everything, without the concern of making things worse. But its impossible because i am a person like that. Who will never make it a conversation without making worse and worse and make the other feel bad.

Just

Just i wish, i was someone who deserve good things for herself.

And not need to destroy herself.

Inside, eating inside. I am good with actions, with words, maybe if i try hard, even with looks. Because i need to look like it.

I am...

a little tired ghosts.

just a little tired, thats all.

I can,

find a way, i hope, and not get worse, but it is really getting hard.

Cutting.

Every second, i want to cut myself more ghosts.

Every fucking second i should be proud with my friends, i get jealous so bad that i can end my fucking existence.

Every. Fucking. Second.

Its the grossest feeling i taste ghosts, with every word, every good thing that they tell me about themself. Making me feel nothing about proud or happiness but a big fat disgust about myself.

I really wanted to feel good for them but,

i am not a friend material, so,

sorry everyone.

I just can’t do it.

This feeling so big that i am not capable of doing anything to stop or reduce it.

I swear its making me feel worse than it should i know that, i shoudln’t be feeling this way at all.

Still,

I want to kill myself every time someone tells something they do better than me, which is, everything i don’t do not matter if i can or not. Or discuss about their similar interest, this is also includes everything, i don’t have interest or just don’t know, which is just making me stupid and illiterate in every damn topic.

I feel so humiliated, so stupid, so bad, sometimes just a girlfriend who give kisses do sex and not a damn other thing. Because they do share similar interests and alike. And they, unlike me, do discuss things a lot and do things together a lot and this facts makes me feel horrible more than everything.

I just feel so humiliated, stupid, gross, useless, lazy, untalented, a whole dissapointment, desperate, disgusting...

I wish i wouldn’t feel like this ghosts.

I hate it so much.

so much

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