#and now i'm working and less anxious and feeling supported and stable in my relationship. and i feel myself coming back to myself. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

anvoo · 1 year

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21.06.2023 - milestone

First night in a long time that I've been able to sit with myself and write. It's, calming. I feel like it's "me", you know? It's like, I could see myself months and years from now, still sitting down at the end of the day, writing.

I have a not-great habit of shaking my legs whenever I feel anxious or upset, so on the days when I'm not feeling my greatest, I would feel muscle pain in the evening or night from all the leg shaking. I'm trying to keep both my feet on the ground and still as I'm writing :p

I remember somebody saying: "A lot of people who are suicidal don't actually want to die, they just want their current situation to end or change." That seems to be true in my case. To reassure everyone, I don't intend or want to kill myself. It's just the thought of "I want my current situation to change", followed by the idea of suicide as one of the options/solutions. It seems like the easiest solution for me to connect my current actions and decisions with the end goal of "current situation changing".

I really don't want to die right now. Who knows if there's reincarnation or the afterlife, so I want to fully cherish and make the best out of my current life. I want to draw more; to write more; to meet people; to treat them nicely and be treated nicely back; to see more art; to listen to good music; to have experiences; to enjoy things; to have freedom and choose; to live for and by myself...

My future, my path forward right now is concrete and clear to me. No matter what happens, no matter what I want to achieve or do, the path forward is the same. The story of my life is written mainly through decisions and actions, not thoughts, ink, or typing. It's the "doing" part that determines.

To "do" requires energy, willpower, and motivation. One that is hindering me, is my tendency to divert my energy, willpower, and motivation, to "think". To come up with the perfect motivation, to have the answer to all my doubts and questions, to come to a revelation! Once I have done that everything will be easy, but it won't be. Knowing exactly what you want and need to do won't make you suddenly be able to put in 16 hours a day of work, study, or self-care. Coming to a revelation won't change the procrastination and validation-seeking habits that are embedded so deeply in your psyche and behaviors. It helps, of course, but it can't be the only thing. I need to "do". I have done enough "think". I'll continue to, of course, but now I need to strike a better balance between the two in order to achieve my goals.

I'm grateful that I have people who care about me. Their support really means a lot to me and it helps me to get through tough times. I'll take it in and continue to try my best and move forward.

Balance in my life is still something that I'm trying to achieve. Having just video games or a romantic relationship be the only pillar that holds me up isn't great, and it makes me unhappy :C Not having my romantic relationship be the core or the center of my existence doesn't mean that it's suddenly meaningless now. It's me enriching my life and being kinder to myself. It even helps to bring more value and meaning to the relationship itself. I'm more interesting, more stable, happier, and wiser,...; it's also the fact that placing the stake of your entire emotional and mental well-being on your romantic relationship going well is just damaging to it and your well-being xD This reminds me a bit of a line from Samantha in Her(2013):

"The heart is not like a box that gets filled up; it expands in size the more you love. I'm different from you. This doesn't make me love you any less. It actually makes me love even more."

In the context of the film, the quote probably has a slightly different meaning (Samantha loving 641 other people), but in this moment for me, it's about all the things that I said above.

So, what now?

Well, For my academic and career goals, do well with my studies. For my fitness and physical health goals, gym and healthy diet. For my mental health goals, being kind to myself, keep doing my best, and continue to write. For my hobbies and interests, draw more, and engage more in activities. For my socializing, practice more spoken German, and go out more (it's fun, as all the previous times you've gone:>). For me and Cat, just keep doing my best for myself. I know I'll know when I'm ready to reconnect and give us another shot, and I'll talk to her then. We talked and discussed a lot about us, our promise and break, and our future together, so I know it's a decision that wasn't made lightly. I believe in us, in our feelings together, and that we can do it!

Sounds nice. Goodnight!

Goodnight!

#journal #diary #motivation #thoughts #self love #self help #abstract #art #writing

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missvifdor · 3 years

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Alright, I share a quick thought like this, but imagine Bucky having the DID (be careful, I want to make it clear that I'm not an expert and any mistakes on my part are unintentional and I'm sorry for being so stupid The DID is not a joke, it is a real trouble and I would never allow myself to laugh or joke about it).

So I was saying, Bucky having DID:

Thinking back to all the traumatic moments in his life, it would be easy enough to think that he could have had it. Imagine that at one point his brain and mind say "STOP" and no longer able to cope with all these events, decide that in order to survive, he must create a "shield" (I don't know if I am speaking correctly, sorry if that doesn't make sense).

Because if I'm not saying bullshit, that's what the host's DID is for, to protect it and that's where the Alters come in. The basis of the DID is that the host not supposed to know he has it.

But all the time, there will be signs: amnesia, dissociative disorder, depersonalization, derealization,. Imagine, one day, everything is going well, you get ready to go to sleep and then when you wake up, the date, the time have completely changed, you are now dressed and you have no memory of having lived this. that happened after you last remembered.

Now imagine Bucky going through the same thing, he'd be pretty scared I think.

Bucky would have these symptoms, but not just that. For example, he might feel like he has feelings, thoughts, moods, or anything else that is not ... his but belongs to someone else. Or he would hear voices talking to him (Wait, this has nothing to do with schizophrenia, the voices heard cannot be suppressed with medication and to the host this is really heard as a person's voice real voice or an interlocutor. These are real voices).

You know when we think and hear a voice but it is that of our subconscious, and well that is still different.

(I won't procrastinate any longer, but if you are interested, I advise you to inform yourself to find out more. For example, there is a youtube channel that talks about it because the designer has DID, she and other affected people talk about it here: https://youtu.be/ek7JK6pattE ).

Back to our Super Soldier:

Bucky, like anyone with DID will have both good and bad triggers.

The good ones would be: Music from the 40s, his favorite food, something that reminds him of his sister or mother, etc.

The bad ones: Something or someone who could bring back bad memories, maybe the language Russian, the pain linked to his metal arm, the situations where he cannot feel comfortable or very anxious, a dangerous mission that has gone off the rails a bit.

Let's talk about his Alters: The Winter Soldier will have taken a big place in his life and I think he probably never left him because he is part of him.

So I would lean towards the fact that Winter (let's call him that) has become one of his Alters. It would have become this:

Alter Trauma Holder and Persecutor: some of his tasks are to hold traumatic memories ... especially so that other Alters are not not disturbed by these memories and that the system works more or less. And often, well, trauma holders do not voluntarily choose this role, they are there because the brain did it like that and it can seem very unfair!

It is common that in addition to h: And, even when they do, sometimes they just aren't able to pass it on to the rest of the system and, unfortunately, to the outside either. This is one of the reasons why it is very difficult for a system to find and manage trauma or to talk to a therapist, for example. This is one of the reasons why it is very difficult for a system to find and manage trauma or to talk to a therapist, for example.

Trauma holders are also It called “Secret Keepers / Secret Holders”.

Her Part Persecutor: To put it mildly, the "Persecutor" is an alter who is hostile to the system or the outside world . Well, obviously, it’s nowhere near that simple.

In general, persecutors are alters who have internalized hatred or rejection, either towards themselves, towards other members of the system, or towards the outside world. It is a traumatic response that follows physical abuse, toxic relationships and assaults experienced by the system. Like the protectors, the persecutors seek to prevent further attacks, attack in defense or suffer for the rest of the system. But they ... don't always do it the right way.

There are different kinds of persecutors, some tend to reject any outside person, others may have internal words and feelings of worthlessness, still others may sabotage a possible therapy for fear of the medical profession, then of others can re-experience their traumas, injure themselves, etc… They are very often hyperviligant and easily activated.

They are sometimes very withdrawn and influenced by feelings causing for example a strong anxiety or suicidal thoughts. But they can also be authoritarian and seek to impose behavior on the rest of the system, considering that the others are incapable of protecting themselves and are responsible for the abuses suffered. Finally, some persecutors are a representation of aggressors and persecute the system like these. The persecutors are above all persecuted by trauma and in particular they need to be secure. It is very common that, once appeased, they become essential protectors of the system.

Here's another Alter, James: It would be quite similar to the Bucky of the 40s but different at the same time.

He would be an Alter Internal Self Helper: The "Internal Self Helper" is an alter that helps the system internally. It is not uncommon for ISHs to serve as some sort of mediator to the rest of the system, as if they were "the voice of reason."

They often have a good knowledge of Alters and how the system works (but this does not mean that they easily share this information). They are also often discreet, facing little or not at all or only side by side with another alter.

Internal self helpers are often associated with the creation and management of the innerworld, especially when it was conceived unconsciously.

ISH is a frequent supporting role among gatekeepers, protectors and sometimes among trauma holders.

And Bucky would be the host: Host "refers to the alter who fronts most of the time ... when all is well. And this nuance is important!

Indeed, the “Host” is a bit like the basic Alter, the one who is there when there is no need for any other Alter, no triggers, and no Alter is needed wanted to face. In principle, he manages the day-to-day life, so you would think that it is indeed the alter that uses the body most often, yes. But no.

A system is frequently affected by all the little things in life, whether or not it requires the presence of another Alter at the front. And, especially when it is not conscious, it can be common for another alter (social or protective, for example) to be more present than the host. It all depends on the environment of the system and the awareness of its multiplicity as well as the choices and possibilities of each of its members.

For this reason, there are systems without a host (or with a sleeping host) as well as systems with multiple hosts (which are then called co-hosts), which handle different aspects of the day-to-day. good. Of course, the hosts can also have another role, such as caretaker or alter social.e for example. It may also happen that a new host appears and the system changes hosts.

The host is a role that can be difficult to take in at times, as it is often the first alter to become consciously aware (yes, consciously aware) of his multiplicity. And it's already not easy to realize that we "are not alone in your head", but it is also difficult to realize that you have shared your whole life with "these others people in his head ”. It is very common for the host to doubt his legitimacy, to be afraid of lying, etc. They are often influenced by the feelings, thoughts and feelings of other Alters.

On the other hand, the host can usually be an alter who allows for better communication, as he or she serves as a bit of a mediator, conciliatory and benevolent towards the system and the outside world, while being held to it 'deviation from the consequences (emotional for example) of traumas. A stable host is an important basis for functional multiplicity.

Be careful, it must be said: the host is not the original! Many systems don't have an original, and while you might think the host is some kind of original, it isn't. Of course, if there is an original in the system, it can be a host. But, whether host and / or original, all Alters should be considered equally. (Really, for this to work, it's important to understand this)

Otherwise, a person with DID may have other Alters, the number can vary and they are all different!

Now, how would it be if Bucky had a Y / N ? Would other people in the system agree with that? Would Y / N manage and understand this situation? That is the whole question.

But let's imagine that in the best-case scenario, Winter and James are ok with this relationship and even have feelings for Y / N, it will still be a job all the time.

The best would be someone who can differentiate the three and act with the three as if they were three different individuals (Who they are and this is very important because each Alter deserves to be recognized).

Being in a relationship with Bucky is a bit like being with a big teddy bear who could easily shoot you in the head with near-deadly precision. And a gentleman under all circumstances, of course.

Being with Winter is complicated enough, but not impossible. You just have to know how to do it and above all succeed in interpreting his looks, his silences. The man is not the biggest talker but know that he would be ready to kill for you and protect you.

As for James his Fronts are very rare but when he will be there, believe me when I tell you that he will not leave you alone with his affections! He is surely the one who is the most sociable of the three and who will take the greatest pleasure in teasing you or improvising a dance with you in the middle of your living room.

Well I have finished! Do not hesitate to tell me what you think of it in the comments, or if you want a part two to find out more in general or to know more about the romantic relationship side + ... SNFW.

#bucky barnes preferences #bucky x reader #bucky barnes #alters #did you know #system #bucky imagine #bucky headcanon #bucky hcs #Tw

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