#and that pain will never really go away

[darkmuffinstudios]

“please don’t hate yourself…”

(a loose, semi-correlative second part to this)

#darkzyx #undertale au #undertale fandom #utmv #utmv comic #killer sans #utmv nightmare #dreamtale nightmare #nightmare sans #utmv killer sans #utmv fanart #Nightmare dealing with his pre-apple incident trauma #I think it was truly unfair what he had to go through #and that pain will never really go away #but it can get better #more bare-able with time and care

[rayjayoo]

surprisingly back with more phos doodles wOOOOOO

#ray art #houseki no kuni #land of the lustrous #hnk #hnk phos #phosphophyllite #post winter phos... #i really wish we could've seen more of antarc and phos duo i adored their interactions in what little time they had together #feel like they could've blossomed into a sweet friendship as they worked together more :(( #in another universe antarc was never taken away and the two continued to patrol winters together time to time.... #post winter phos just makes me so sad man #they had to go through the pain of losing a partner for the first time and you can tell just how deeply that affected them throughout the #rest of the story #and i just #hnngghbjkjkkk #even with the loss of their legs phos still maintained their spunkiness and innocence #but after the loss of their arms in that winter... #man #its so quietly heartbreaking to realize that there truly wasnt any going back after that winter for phos #they couldnt go back to being that naive and innocent gem they once were

[bumblingbabooshka]

Harry Kim saying Naomi is lucky to be born on Voyager and that he would have given "anything" to have her life when he was a kid...

#He sees NO downsides???? #Also I love how Neelix was yelling and panicked and Harry was like 'haha ok buddy. Hey this little guy is ugly huh~? See ya later!' #absolutely unbothered and not the least bit curious - love him <3 #saw someone post about how they don't like 'once upon a time' bc Neelix doesn't tell Naomi right away about her mother .... bro. #c'mon. Anyway I love Neelix and him trying so hard to shield Naomi from bad things / upset bc he KNOWS how fucking painful #it is to lose a family DID make me tear up. #Also Naomi in that burned-down forest (symbolic of innocence?) was a kickass visual. Neelix telling her about his family and Naomi trying #to comfort HIM??? SHE'S SUCH A GOOD KID MAN....Neelix making her a flotter doll was also v cute #OH AND Naomi going 'I Am Borg...' and Neelix going '~??? No you're not~!!!' and Naomi giggling...added NOTHING to the #episode - as it should be!! Sometimes you've just gotta have a really cute silly moment <3 #Tuvok: [says something] / Tom: Nice bedside manner Tuvok =_= #Tuvok: [about to say the most beautiful comforting words you've ever heard one parent say to another] And I took that personally. #Love how Naomi is scared of Seven at first...girl that's your roommate. #HEHEH she starts off the series scared of her but by the end she's her little buddy and also her intern #but yeah never forget that Harry Kim can and will say the most unhinged things but so casually that no one will really clock it #NEVER forget that he says he remembers.....either being an infant or his own birth - both WILD to me #Harry Kim lowkey loves destiny and being special and the idea of 'chosen ones' and the narrative even though he will fight it all if it #harms the ones he loves #Harry: (guy from an alternate timeline who replaced the dead Naomi with the alive one from his own) That kid's living the dream <3

[torgawl]

i think what hits most about nobara's backstory is everything that's left unsaid and peaks from between the lines. it's the fact you can easily infer that something was wrong without ever having clear answers on what exactly was wrong. but if you can relate to the feeling of wanting to escape a place and the alienation from everyone around you, especially when you're brought up in small communities, then you can certainly understand, if not fully then partially, nobara herself and the struggles she might have had to face all by herself for a very long time; maybe even the importance fumi and saori had in her life and the pain from having to part from them; and, perhaps the selectiveness in letting people in that she later on develops as well.

#the way her story is told from fumi's point of view is quite interesting #nobara's backstory is like a silent whisper without a lot of obvious context and told from someone else's perspective #someone who until the end never really understood her fully despite their obvious close bond #someone who we weren't even aware was part of her life #and nobara's peak emotional moment and the last person she thinks as her life is in danger is her and the promise she didn't accomplish #a promise to reunite with the friends that shaped her and her life #ah. #i find her last line so... powerful? #she definitely struggled growing up and the only two people she kept in her heart from her life before jujutsu were people that #moved to where she lived. saori didn't even stay in that place for long. and then she moves somewhere new and she meets people #and a group that actually feels like home a community where she fits in and suddenly they kind of break through making place in her heart #just for everything to come to a halt. to turn to shit. for her to see that shatter away little by little. and in the end she's put in a #position where she knows she will not be able to hold on to what she cares for the most. that she will hurt people that truly cared for her #for not being able to go back to fumi and rekindle the friendship with saori and for being forced to be another punch in the guts for yuuji #and everyone else that up until that point were forced to go through losses already and traumatic events #and she decides to encourage yuuji to go on a good note and she truly believes the people she met made it worth it #even if it was for a brief moment in her life #i am not being coherent right now but it pains me :') #she deserved so much better #and i will hang on tightly to the line saying that she had a small chance of survival until the end #because she deserves it she deserves to live 😭 #i'm taking her from that stupid anime and putting her in a slice of life anime watch me #yuuji too. and everyone else. i'm taking the kaisen out of the jujutsu and you can't stop me #jjk spoilers #nobara kugisaki #jujutsu kaisen #jjk 💭 #my post

[tswwwit]

dip 🤝 bill

both liking their hair pulled/played with

👍

#answers #Bill ruffles Dipper's hair all the time. But that's condescending and generally leads to an argument #Playing with Dipper's hair is only available when Bill thinks he can get away with it. Can't look *too* sentimental in public #They've still been caught multiple times. Dipper just never commented on it #Dipper has more chances. Mostly when Bill's dropped his head in Dipper's lap and smacking him in the face inevitably leads to more touching #It's also one of the few ways he doesn't feel awkward about initiating gentle touch. Since Bill's basically offering there. #The Cuddling™ is still a recent development and he's not sure where the boundaries are #If these two were better at communicating he would learn that Bill's full-on dived into the decision that nonsexual touch actually rules #Hug that demon Dipper. He'll let you cling to him and nuzzle up against his neck and giggle about it #semi-nsfw: Bill really had to egg Dipper on to full-on pull his hair when he goes down on him #A little pain adds spice!! Yank away sapling it's encouraging AND really hot #Dipper prefers a much lighter touch himself but hey! If Bill's into it he'll go ahead and tug like hell #Bonus fact: Dipper watching Bill bend over to get something under a table or low drawer #Raising an eyebrow at the presented rear end #Then the sudden realization: Wait Bill does this to *him* all the time. They're married. He doesn't just have to stare #He can actually- #The ensuing butt slap made Bill jolt up and smack his head against something. Swearing and surprised. #And Dipper made his escape while Bill was still too engulfed with confusion/amusement/annoyance to take quick revenge #Mission: Success

[sysig]

You learn to live with it, learn to love it if you can (Patreon)

#Doodles #SCII #Helix #ZEX #Dexter Favin #I 👏 want 👏 ZEX 👏 to be 👏 happy!! 👏 #I want him to be hale and hearty and living his best life!! I want him alive and well!! #Professional Take-ZEX-Out-of-Situations-er* *(Not actually paid to do this I just feel very strongly about my volunteer work) #Lol #To do with my love towards Max as well? I'll never tell (yes) #Thinking about a ZEX that managed to get back up on his feet with Dex et al's help and start to make a life for himself #Gets into human fashion and goes back to school and makes friends and kisses people <3 It makes me happy #It's not a complete blank slate-start over but if he was able to come out from under everything - persevere - I'd like to see what he'd be ♥ #It's also enjoyable to think about his rise out of pain into something neutral - and then from neutrality to something positive #Going from constantly being afraid and isolated and sad and lonely to a kind of passive disinterest #Very much the stages of grief #Coming up into acceptance - I wonder how isolated he would feel from his life as Admiral ZEX :( #Moments where he's still very far away. Our scars never really leave us they just fade little by little #And some things that he'll never get to experience as a human like depth perception and parallax haha #But still <3 Growing into what Max never had the chance to be ;; #Still not making his parents ''proud'' or whatever |P Dex just happy he's showing initiative and y'know - interest in existence #I do like the idea that he still calls him DAX - the one thing he can't give up completely - but it becomes something like an inside joke #A painful one but a kind of wink and a nod that they both Know #Things will never be the same but they're both taking each day as they come - together #Hhhhh even just little bits of happiness ;; I just want them to be A Little happy

[yaoianime]

Soon im rly gonna do it

#🕸️ #sui mention #< in the tags tho cuz it feels nicer to talk abt this in tags than in the post itself cuz to me posts are like talking normally but tags are #like whispering? talking you can tune out if you want but whispering is rather more voluntary to say it doesnt matter however #every single year passes and i wish i didnt live in each and every one of them i feel disconnected dissatisfied empty disappointed every day #it can be a small part of a day or a bigger but its still there clenching onto me like and never letting go im tired of it theres always a #wall between me and otyer ppl im unsure if i put it there or was it put there by other ppl but its there and even if anyone tries to reach #into it do i understand how even if close are we really far away it makes me understand just how much of an abnormality i am and how much i #cant ever be like them no matter how much i try and climb and crawl until i bleed its exhausting its maddening #almost everything i do is shaped by spite i wear one bracelet for years out of spite i dont smoke out of spite i dont shave my hands not #only because im normal abt body hair but also out of spite the more i know ppl the spiteful i get only way for me to truly like someone is #to keep them at a lenght outside that wall if they get in then theres only two choices for them to dislike me or even hate my entire being #or me to shove them back out without ever letting them get in #coworkers say im a nice kind person but im not its all just a facade to make my life easier and to suit myself im hateful but i dont believe #its entirely my fault after all they will to my face make fun of. laugh at. and hate everything of me they would see in other ppl that dont #hide it deep within like i do and then it rly hits me how different abnormal foul disgusting and unnatural i am #im hit with his every talk that goes on too long every word that keeps going every touch every expression every comment made on my behalf #its exhausting to live this way i fear im near my limit i havent reached it but who knows when i will #i sometimes dream of doing it and leaving behind a note wishing nothing but painful suffering to everyone i ever knew irl but i dont want to #do that to my best friends and my dog but who knows how long its left before the thread breaks #thats all like comment and subscribe if you personally would do me a favor by taking me out back and shooting me

[engagemythrusters]

domino twins

#part of that same au i did for dogma and tup #yea. so. fives has trauma bc he watched his twin 'die' then he watched tup lose control and then everything was different #his whole life purpose was gone in a flash and he was the cause of it--nobody to blame but himself #and tup is struggling due to the aftermath of the faulty chip and dogma isn't himself and. and echo was gone but now he's back. #and nothing is okay but everything is okay and he doesn't know what to do so he just. he throws everything at helping echo get better. #because what else is is he going to do? tup is focused on dogma. and echo... echo really needs the help. #sure maybe deep down its about getting fives out of his head but it really really is important he help echo #bc you don't just... come away from freezing in techno union's hands--with less than half of your human body--and jump back to normal #those legs and scomp had parts fused to him. parts of him never healed from the explosion. and parts of him got eaten by the frost. #and he's massively underweight because feeding a repurposed mechanised POW wasn't high on priorities #and then the cold fucked up his metabolism so he's trying to gain back weight that he can't... #and overall... #it's not going so great. but echo is home and--while he's healed completely (as far as he can be healed anyway)--he gets a night or two #per week in a bacta tank to deal with the chronic pain. and he's getting used to the prosthetics and the tubes and bags #going into where his stomach used to be. and everything can be so goddamn triggering sometimes but. #he's alive. with fives. #and if he just is alive for fives... then fives will be okay. right? fives will be okay if he's okay... so he needs to be okay... #ANYWAY YEA i got a lot of things to say xoxo #saleucami au #arc trooper fives #arc trooper echo #fives and echo #star wars: the clone wars #star wars #the clone wars #my art

[kazieka]

chronic pain thots in the tags

#so I went for a walk earlier this week!!! at the park!!! #and nothing hurt #and my last podiatrist visit went really well and the bone is healing well #and yet im like. a little hesitant to talk about it on here #bc i spent a lot of time in my 20s absolutely convinced that this was a chronic pain that was never going away #and was only ever going to get worse and worse #and now it’s just. gone #and while im ecstatic about that i feel kind of?? guilty?? #cause like. there are SO many people who live with chronic pain worse than mine was #and they aren’t going to get the cutting edge surgery that I got #who have pain there is NO magic bullet for #but it’s in my nature to want to share good news after being in so much pain for so long #and I WANT to talk about how there are calluses on my feet I thought everyone had that are suddenly softening and going away #i WANT to ask what I should do with my collection of canes now that I don’t need them to go grocery shopping #but it’s just. like. maybe this is disrespectful to everyone who won’t ever get that relief #man idk. it’s a weird space to be in #to think you were gonna just be in pain and limited mobility forever and then have it fixed over the course of less than 1 calendar year #and now suddenly i don’t ‘qualify’ to be in chronic pain discord servers anymore #man I just. i dunno. post over

[clewis]

So I was rewatching season 2 (specifically 2x25) and I was hit in the head with an idea for a kinda angsty canon divergence story of sorts, mostly focused on clewis, after Cleo takes off into the ocean…..

#clewis #h2o just add water #might this be the time when i go back to writing?????? who knows 🤷‍♀️ #the premise would kinda be: when Cleo ran away into the ocean after leaving that message to Lewis #what if she didn’t stick around the Gold Coast? What if all the pain and suffering of having to deal with so much stuff #finally caughts up with her and she just... swims away and embraces being a mermaid? #i could see this eventually leading towards some sort of cleo becoming more like a siren or something like this #veeery angsty at first cause the girls and lewis would be devastated #but also they would never stop looking for her of course #idk idk #it's been really long since i wrote anything and i actually never wrote h2o related fics #but i did love writing in the past 🥲 #i guess we shall see

[katyspersonal]

It is only first month of 2024, and I've already lost not one but two subjects of nightmares, paranoia and reoccurring emotional torture. I really wish there was another way to get rid of these besides having extremely painful conversations.. but at least these scars are closing, one by one

#/vent #personal #and this time was like.. opposite of the previous one #previous one absolutely wrecked me with very ugly insight and basically made all puzzle pieces fall together #this one was just pain and crying and having my worst suspicions about other person AND self faced and confirmed #but again it got solved #I really want the power to move on without having a closure. #I hope I will be strong enough for it one day. #I just need to think.. #I think I really should avoid other depressed/traumatised people until something can be done with how I react at perceived threats #(which is eternity because hell I know when I will be able to afford therapy. probably never with how my life situation is going) #as jarring as being close only with 'healthy' people would be I just can't make things worse for both me and them #until I can change my default response from aggression into avoidance I'll just stay away from anyone with depression #I say very terrible things when I feel threatened and it is way too easy to make me feel threatened. it is THE easiest thing in the world. #I won't survive without close friends anyhow but there is category of people that can't recover from these words normally #I mean I am ALSO this 'category'. I also hurt from awful words thrown at me for MONTHS don't I #it is very hard to be aware of my glaring flaws when everyone that points them out is outright malicious and wants me bullied off the Earth #and then everyone who does think I deserve my human rights either doesn't see my flaws or doesn't mention them #so at least discussing it without outright intention to harm me was helpful for a change #maybe one day I'll have a friend that can be open if I've hurt them a lot so I can work on it but that's another story I guess

[spinoff-antithesis]

(muth being music theory!)

#FUCK IT MY OWN EDITION OF THE ODDLY SPECIFIC POLLS BC THESE ARE FUN #me when i've been obsessed with space/time stuff since i was a KID its more an interest than hyperfixation rn but man. #media with any of those?? i am OBSESSED (star wars rottmnt movie etc etc) like i hyperfixated on dr who for a year in middle school #the skateboard one is so funny. in high school my guard instructor saw me with a friend's pennyboard & immediately said no. #me when i was notoriously clumsy in middle + high school so everyone i knew was like. “this is a bad idea” when i did anything #my first semester of college i bought a longboard off someone then 5months later i turned around & ate SHIT it was so funny in retrospect #anyway fun sage lore i have only ever heavily injured the left side of my body. my knee + elbow and the SAME FUCKING TOOTH. TWICE. #also i have a high pain tolerance. like idk how or when but in middle school it just got Really Strong. me when i injure myself and just #live with it for a year before it becomes a concern and i get told to get an xray (i will live with a fractured knee the rest of my life) #also when i fell off my skateboard and ate shit my first concern was “ah fuck my glasses did i break my nose” and #“nah my elbow isnt broken! my arm is just rly sore from how i landed on it” (readers. it was in fact fractured.) #like i literally went “no im fine we dont need to tell my mom or go to the er” and my friends said “call your mom and go to the er” #me spitting out my tooth and blood bc i also busted my lip: that hurt. time to hobble back to my dorm. #anyway hiding this one in the tags bc i will never not just ignore my issues LMAO did it with my ptsd dx and i will continue to do it #another incredibly hyperspecific thing: oh this doesnt seem normal! im gonna ignore it and hope it goes away #these symptoms match up to something? nah i'm sure it's not that! (proceeds to get dx'd with ptsd five months later)

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

[daz4i]

hate when i vent abt my pain and ppl tell me "everyone has stomach aches, it's normal" okay but are their pains bad enough to make them cry or unable to stand..... at least once a week...... bc i think that if this was normal society might've collapsed by now. but what do i know

#at least I'm on the way to get another test to see if it really is crohn's or not :') #my other tests came out negative but the last doctor i saw said it's worth checking again :') #bc. he claims. you're never gonna guess it. these pains are NOT normal ✨️ who could've thought! #sorry for the bitterness. as you may be able to infer from this i am in severe pain and having a hard time standing up or moving at all #btw through this doctor i went to i found out i actually had internal inflammation back in 2018 too and i was just. never told abt it. #like i was in the hospital and they ran a test but bc it was for smth else they didn't think to point it out?? #why do i have to learn 5 years later that i had smth wrong with me that probably got worse with time and that's why I'm like that now 😭😭😭 #(i wanna apply good faith to this. they probably thought it was a result of my other stomach issues so it'll pass once they do. #but like. if it really didn't go away and in fact got worse with time. i feel like i have the right to blame them yknow?) #vent #possibly a tmi one idk ajskflglh #sorry. i am very tired

[ink--theory]

wrist pain starting to go down to a more manageable level as the week goes by

ultimately decided to not participate in this upcoming eggstra work as to not agitate my wrist any further ^^

#it never really goes away but its starting to become more tolerable where I can usually just ignore it and go about my day #and less “im gonna tear out my fucking skin why have you forsaken me” level 11 type of pain yk? #anyway I dont want it to flare up again anytime soon and I use motion for splat hence why im backing out from playing 4 a bit ^^; #most ppl probs only here for my art/splat stuff and not any of these dumb updates so this'll be the last one regarding this ok? lmao #i'll try and post smth different soon I promise <3

[voskhozhdeniye]

#I really enjoyed that. #It got me away from Elden Ring. #Leo if Hollow Knight gets anything like Metroid Dread I'll never finish it. #Dread and the last two God of War games destroyed my hands to the point of extreme pain. #If that's the direction future Metroid games go in I'm probably done. #I have two optional bosses in last year's God of War left. #I'm probably never beating them.