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championofravens · 5 months

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Fuck it, it's reset Tuesday. I will go in depth on why Saladin should have stayed racist.

Disclaimer first: Season of the Chosen is one of my all time favorite D2 seasons and I think the first one that led to a string of truly incredible seasons and stories in Destiny. In fact, I think the decision to have made Saladin return to the narrative the way he did was fucking fantastic. I loved it. 9/10 season all around

But it was laying the groundwork for something else Destiny would, in my opinion, over utilize in the coming seasons and moments of character writing.

Now Saladin didn't start off, like, explicitly racist towards the alien races because that wasn't even a way we could view the enemy races within the structure of the Destiny universe. He was just an old guy who lived through the horrors and had humanity first burned into his Light, seeing anyone else pretty much rightly as a threat. So when they wanted him to voice his opposition to Caiatl with the knowledge of her eventual allegiance with us, they started to use language and lines of thought similar to the prejudiced in real life. It also made us all much more willing to listen to the Cabal. By bringing in Saladin and making his behavior and actions more analogous towards actual actual racism or discrimination, we can sympathize with him while also knowing he is inherently wrong in the eyes of the story.

But it began a trend of Destiny realizing they could do things like have old characters grow or develop. And as cool as this might have been over the course of Destiny, better late than never. Except... characters only develop in one way. Like Saladin, the negative traits they hold are brought to the forefront and in more obvious language analogous to real life oppression, trauma, mental illness, or whatever. Like Saladin, the narrative clearly paints them as being deeply in the wrong even if sympathetic. And like Saladin, they have to change if they want to follow the Vanguard's platonic ideal of banding together to fight the Darkness.

This has led to characters in the recent years all going to the same therapist and talking the same way about themselves when they are prompted to have their spiritual strip down in front of the Guardians, and only getting better. But not just better- better in a way wholly convenient for the Vanguard and therefore the story. Once Bungie signaled their desire to have a climax that involved everyone banding together to take down the big bad, I wasn't a fan as it felt cliche but understood. A side effect I did not foretell was that all these characters who were maybe once threats or oddities or just people with their own nebulous motivations would be made to transform into much more agreeable versions of themselves.

So here's my examples: Drifter. Eris. Mara. Osiris. Ana and Elsie Bray. Rasputin. We reached through time itself to do the same with Uldren and Ghaul. All of these characters had multiple moments where it seemed they were suddenly dragged out of lore, put before us, and made to repent in some way. And, incredibly, it was all mostly in the exact same chunk of time. I mean Ana, Elsie, Osiris, and Rasputin all bore their souls during the same season. Eris, Uldren and Ghaul were two seasons prior, and Mara has literally not stopped apologizing since she returned to Sol. And I do think a lot of these characters have aspects of themselves worthy of examining and growing from.

But... all of them? In the same way? And more importantly... for what purpose?

Rasputin, Ghaul, Uldren, they're easier to understand: efforts to humanize characters who were powerful and antagonistic towards us, to "soften" them because they were/are inextricably tied to other people in the main cast. Rasputin needed to soften so Bungie could kill him and stop having him creating plot holes just by existing at this point in the story. Uldren and Ghaul needed to soften so they could continue to bring up the characters in relation to Crow and Caiatl without pissing people off. Again, this isn't to stay all this development was bad or unwarranted, just that it's always deployed to follow similar goals of tamping down uncomfortable or divergent characters.

Mara keeps getting melancholy lore entries written about her because no matter how often she apologies and bemoans the things she's done, she still did them and is still taking the same path those actions led her down anyways. And yet they keep revisiting it. Osiris had this moment of strong development in the season of Rasputin blowing up, but it got sharply reversed in Lightfall and then took effect again. Season of the Wish is right now and Osiris has ANOTHER lore entry here about how he's too stubborn and overworks himself and is too involved in Strand. Ana, Elsie, and Eris, frankly, had nothing wrong with them. But they were people with their own goals and desires and theories on how to fix the looming Darkness situation and were divergent from the Vanguard. So we make them "grow", speak their heart's desires in weirdly plain language, and pushed in those pesky attributes that made them even a bit nuanced.

And no place is more clear than Drifter, who was relegated to the backseat of lore for years despite incredible popularity and having a pretty strong focus in the story, so that he could be changed. I don't think I even needed to explain how vast the difference is in the Darkness peddling snakeoil salesmen charmer grifter liar son of a bitch we once had and Eris's boytoy now. Drifter got powerwashed squeaky clean and, once it was done enough, he's been back in the Seasons joking and yapping and being apart of the main cast again.

So what's my point here. Why should Saladin have remained racist? I think it's because obtaining peace with uncomfortable people and uncertainty for what comes next is not only more realistic, it is also what makes a better story for the present and future to come. Why are we reducing all of our threats down to those on the edges of our periphery? Why is it so important everyone proves themselves morally sterile before marching into the finale? I think it's just because it is easier and once characters have been simplified down enough, they become easier to write a lore piece for every three months so your community doesn't forget they exist.

I think it would have been more interesting to see Saladin forced to grapple with his feelings, swallow them down for peace, and then maybe continue the conflict in other ways both before and after TFS. I think the same of everyone else. I think it's a shame to reduce the most interesting traits of characters, while not fully committing to developing them, so they can be properly molded for plot events to come.

#destiny 2 #text #long post

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usaigi · 2 years

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Marc, Jake & Steven

Lunar sys au character cards | Read all chapters on ao3

Continuation of Birdy calling their dad, Marc finds out

CW: referencing past suicide attempts and past suicide idealization (does not go into detail), discussing mental illness, joking about mental illness

Birdy Spector Tuesday – 3:12 PM

Attachment: Fullhouse-Only-It’s-In-My-Head.ppt Lunar-sys.docx image_642.jpeg

I made the powerpoint when we first started seeing our therapist but some of the information has changed. At the time, I only knew about Marc, Steven, Jake, and myself.

Steven and I made another document with some info about the others

I know SMJ made another document that’s like a history/timeline of everything we’ve been through but they won’t show it to me 😒

Which is bs because I literally have all the trauma for trying to unalive ourselves but they think I can’t handle it

Elias Spector – Tuesday 5:26 PM

Thanks. Is it ok if I show this to my therapist? Also, I finished reading two books you recommended, we can talk about it next time you can call.

The cat is very cute.

Sorry to ask but

Since leaving home

Did you attempt again?

Birdy Spector – Wednesday 11:32 AM

Yeah, that's fine

Not me, just Marc I think. He’s doing better though.

Probably lol

Jake’s really good at keeping us safe

He;s funny, Jake made him a jar and now Marc has to drop a dollar every time he makes a joke about dying lmao

Also whenever Daniela is mean

or anyone says someone mean about themselves

Although

It’s less funny when he makes me do it 😒

Elias Spector – Wednesday 12:57 PM

I’m just glad you’ll are safe now

I understand you dislike labels but just for my comprehension, is it safe to say that you didn’t have BPD and/or Bipolar disorder? Was it just different alters fronting?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:46 PM

Not sure 🤷🏼

What gets confusing is that while yes we are separate alters and all but we do all share the same brain, body, hormones, etc. And even when we’re not fronting/co-con, we can still have influence

So its hard to tell if we are acting a certain way because of another disorder or if its related to DID

Steven and I were reading about how childhood trauma shapes dna, brain development, how bodies react, etc it’s wild ngl

Maybe depression with mixed features? We’re testing out some new mood stabilizers to see if they help. Not everyone is good at logging the effects/side effects Steven and I are the only ones that are super consistent but I don’t actually front that often. It’s sooo exhausting trying to get everyone on the same page 😩

And it’s not that I don’t like labels, I justthink it was super frustrating how doctors would keep throwing whatever label at us and just hoped it’d stick

I felt like I was hoarding mental illnesses lmao like damn lunar sys leave some for everyone else

U know anyone who wants some? Currently got a buy one get one free special lmao

Elias Spector - Wednesday 4:48 PM

I imagine that’s difficult. How have you been doing otherwise?

Birdy Spector - Wednesday 4:50 PM

I joined Steven and Marc for some sessions this week. Three times a week is too much. since I was there we talked about the stuff that happened when we were younger. Jake was also there, but he only watched

EMDR is terrible, I hate it so much

But…

It’s easier to open up to the psychologist after talking to you about it first

But I’ve been fighting with Marc less so that’s probably good. Although he still won’t tell me about what he remembers and he even forbid Steven from telling me too. Jake has always been weird about it and Daniela is still pretty scary

Can you please tell me?

Elias Spector - Wednesday 5:05 PM

Be patient with Marc. I don’t want to overstep any boundaries, I think it’s best if you talk to the others about it.

Marc isn’t scooping, he’s totally fine with his alters having boundaries and privacy. He just happened to come across Birdy’s email account–which she stayed signed into–and stumbled across a chat thread with who else but Elias Spector.

His vision turns red, scrolling through dozens and dozens of messages, images, and call receipts. The earliest message is dated just over 6 weeks ago, although the first couple of messages imply that they were already in contact before then.

‘Steven. Steven! Steven!!’ Marc yells out internally, hoping to wake Steven up from wherever he is in the inner world.

‘What?’ He says grouchily, slowly stepping towards the front.

‘Look at this shit. What the hell was she thinking? Did you know she was in contact with our dad?’ Marc says as Steven takes control of the body to look at the screen.

‘Marc, you need to calm down,’ Steven says, still working his way through all the messages, he can feel Marc in the headspace making trenches from pacing around so much.

‘How dare you tell me to calm down? I can’t even trust my own fucking alters to not go behind my back. This is fucking Khonshu all over again!’

‘What’s going on, are you doing something dumb?’ Jake jumps in, suddenly appearing in the front conference room, as if he appearing out of thin air. He must have sensed their stress level rise.

‘Respectfully Jake, go fuck yourself. This isn’t about you.’ Marc snaps back, irritated he had the nerve to stick his head into this.

‘It looks like Birdy has been a messaging dad. Talking on the phone too, I think.’ Steven tells him, essentially ignoring all of Marc’s wishes.

‘She what? ’ Jake asks in disbelief, getting closer to the front to get a better look at the messages in question.

‘That sneaky little bra–’

‘Marc, stop it. I’m mad too but I won’t let you talk about her that way.’ Jake interrupts him in his tracks.

‘Oh of course you’re on her side. She’s always hiding behind you. And we all know you’re an expert at making decisions behind our backs, aren’t you? Tell me, what other secrets have you been hiding from us? Was it actually you that got me kicked out of the military?’ Marc rages with an exasperated outrage, arms wrapped around himself, taking careful steps backwards. Keeping his back against the wall.

Jakes glares at Marc over that comment, standing his ground, he shouts back, ‘Ok fine! Maybe this is my fault! Sorry I didn’t have the heart to tell her the truth about our childhood! You don’t think it hurt me when she talked about how nice and protective her dad was when my dad failed us?’

‘Maybe we all need to take some deep breaths, yeah? I can make us a cuppa–’

‘Steven, your endless optimism and desire to make everything ok is exhausting sometimes. Can you please just shut it?’ Marc says, in a low bitter voice.

In response, Steven shut the laptop close, dropping his head to his hands, ‘Fine! Then I guess I won’t share what I think!’

‘What do you think?’ Jake asks with a heavy sigh.

‘Maybe… we should reach out to dad, it’s obviously helping Birdy. Looking over at his messages he seems accepting. And it looks like he’s in therapy too.’

Marc's knees buckle as his breathing rises, ‘I can’t believe this. Steven, what happened to system cooperation? I can’t believe you’re siding with her.’

‘I’m not siding with anyone.’ Steven replies calmly.

‘Marc, stop it. You’re acting like our mother.’ Jake states sharply and it hits Marc like an asteroid. Marc's mouth opens in shock, his eyes glare, almost as if he's going to attack back but he doesn't. His eyes, rapidly flashing from betrayal to anger to disgust to shame to fear. He slides down to the ground, wrapping his arms around his knee, dropping his forehead onto his forearms.

Even Steven tenses up at that comment.

Exhausted, Jake pulls out his chair from the crescent conference table, pulls out a cigarette from his jacket, and places it between his lips. This is all fake– all of this is happening inside their head, but somehow, the smell of tobacco fills the body’s nostrils.

Jake lets Marc recollect himself for a bit before saying, ‘There are no sides, we are a system. If you yell at her, all the work we’ve done to get her to open up will be for nothing. Tell me, who does Birdy remind you of?’ Jake asks in a stern but calm voice. When Marc doesn’t reply, he says, ‘She acts like we did at that age. Time has always been fuzzy for me but I remember feeling like I had no control over anything. Like adults were quick to dismiss all my problems. I’m guilty of this shit too, I’ve fed into her delusions about how great our dad was and how our mom was too sick to visit her in the hospital. I kept telling myself I was protecting her innocence but maybe I fucked up.

‘I still do that shit with Kid. I know he’s confused but I can’t explain it to him. Maybe I am protecting him, or maybe I’m just trying to protect myself.’

The three of them let words seep, processing Jake's words and the situation. It feels like all the hard work that Marc has done to try to heal, not just suppress, has been for nothing, he still felt like a scared child, abandoned by his parents.

‘Maybe...' Steven says, once some of the initial tension calms down, 'we should think about how our alter didn’t feel comfortable talking to us first before sneaking off to talk to dad. Be honest Marc, how would you have reacted if she asked you for permission?’

‘I would have blown her off…’ Marc mumbles, still hiding his face in shame.

‘Yeah, and I wouldn’t have been any better…’ Jake sighs.

‘Steven, I know you want to talk to dad, I know you don’t see him like I do. But his…indifference almost killed us,’ Marc says softly.

Steven pauses, before warily saying, ‘I think… there’s no growth living in the past and maybe… closure would be good for us.’

#moon knight #moon knight fanfic #marc spector #steven grant #jake lockley #mk lunar sys #layla el faouly #moonscarab #lunar sys & dad arc

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afriendlyblackhottie · 3 years

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The Way That You Love Me

Summary: Chris has been feeling guilty, but you always seemed to pull him through.

Pairings: Chris Evans x Black!Reader

Warnings: anxiety, fluff, swearing, smut, daddy kink, missionary, oral (female receiving)

(A/N: This is from Chris’ point of view. And, yes, I was thinking of the Ariana Grande song okay whatever leave me alone. Remember that his nickname for Little Chris is CJ. Reblog please ☺️)

Tagging: @titty-teetee @blackmissfrizzle @olyvoyl @night-of-the-living-shred @liquorlaughslove @harrysthiccthighss @mariahthelioness29 @donutloverxo @stargazingfangirl18 @whiskey-cokenfanfic @olyvoyl @hqneyyincc @queenoftheworldisdead @iam-laiya @emjayewrites @slytherinandoutasgard @zaddychris

——————————————————————————

While Chris was away he’d thought about a lot of things. Like how he couldn’t wait to hug CJ. Or his mom. Or to tell you that he loved you while you were curled into his chest. Even though it was only a year and just felt like forever, he was mad at himself for fucking up when he had so much on the line this time.

Like, what if CJ forgot him. Or resented him like he did his own dad. Thinking about it had made him feel ill. He’d always promised himself that he’d do better and only a year into his sons life he failed.

Or what if you hadn’t been so you. So understanding and patient with him. What if you weren’t so full of love even though he didn’t deserve it. What if you moved on. Those thoughts kept him awake at night just like those thoughts of coming home to you kept him going.

It was silly, but when it came to you one of the biggest things he’d thought about was how you kissed his cheek. The way your lips pressed to him softly. So sweetly. Every single one filled with love.

He was also a man. He had needs. He missed feeling you ride him. Missed the way you rode his dick with wild abandon. How sweet you looked taking his dick and moaning for him. Calling him Daddy. Begging for him to fuck you harder. He missed seeing your tits bounce every time he thrusted up into you.

One of the things he thought of constantly was this one particular night. He’d dropped CJ off at his mom’s house because she’d pretty much demanded the two of you go on a date. It was probably the first time he’d seen you all dressed up since CJ had been born. Fuck you looked gorgeous.

Your hair was perfect. He’d pretty much demanded that you go get a mani/pedi and your eyebrows done because you’d been complaining about how you hadn’t been feeling nice. He wanted you to feel good for your first date in six months. You were so nervous about the baby. Of course you trusted his mom, but you were nervous about not having him close.

Then when he came home you were so beautiful that he had to dote on you a little bit. You’d gotten so thick since having CJ, it drove him crazy even if you didn’t see how beautiful you looked. That night when he’d taken off that dress to expose the lingerie you’d bought just for him he honestly thought he may have been in heaven.

Even now as you settled in beside him on the couch, ready to start binge watching that show you’d gotten him into he thought about those moments. Thought about you. About how he never wanted to lose you.

He’s been seeing this therapist every other Tuesday after work. Sometimes he worried so much that one day you’d get sick of shit and pack your things. Like maybe one day he’d push his luck. That you’d leave and take CJ with you. That you’d leave him all alone.

He knew he shouldn’t worry. He’d been trying so hard. He needed to make you happy. You seemed happy. Always smiling. If there was something wrong, you’d tell him. Yet there was always this nagging thought in the back of his head that he’d never be good enough for you. He knew that’s what everyone else thought. What if you started thinking it, too.

“I love you,” you whispered to him, brushing your lips against his cheek as he set down the bowl of popcorn in your lap before getting close so you could lay on him.

“I love you, more,” he said, because it was a Friday night, he didn’t have to wake up early the next morning for work, he’d just finished reading his son a bedtime story until he fell asleep, and now he was holding you in his arms with you all cute in one of his t-shirts with your shorts peeking out at the bottom.

He’d laid down you still wrapped in his arms. You kissed the underside of his jaw, moving your lips in a way that was making him groan. You smiled against him at his sharp intake of air.

“Don’t start something you can’t finish,” he warned you, pawing at your ass.

You kissed him first, straddling his lap now. He moved the popcorn bowl to the coffee table. The show you were supposed to be watching now forgotten because you needed him. Your lips erased all those bad thoughts that clouded his brain.

“Take me to bed, Daddy,” you purred and who was he to deny you when he owed you for lost time. He’d never make it up to you, but he’d never stop trying.

He’d carried you to your bed, laying you down. He hurried up to pull off your shorts because he couldn’t wait to taste you. The way you moaned for him was like music to his ears. He needed to please you, to worship you. Like every time would be the last time.

That time he was gone he’d craved your taste. Needed to feel you on his tongue again. Missed tasting your juices. Fuck your pussy was juicy.

“Oh, Daddy,” you breathed, trying to keep your voice low.

His beard scratched against your thighs and you ran your hands through his hair. Every time he’d told you he was going to get a haircut, you’d get all pouty and tell him no. Said he looked handsome like this. Which he did, but really though you just liked tugging on it when he ate your pussy.

“I’m gonna... Daddy, you’re gonna make me... fuck!” As you came he kissed up your body until he could angle himself at your entrance.

He eased into you, savoring that first feel of your wetness surrounding the head of his dick and the way you stretched around him to accommodate his thickness. God you felt like heaven. He rocked his hips wanting to fuck you slow. As bad as he wanted to slam into you, he wanted to take his time.

“God, yes,” you whimpered. He leaned down to take your nipple into his mouth, moving his hips in a slow strong rhythm. Wanted to make it last.

“Fuck, Baby,” he groaned before lacing his hands with yours to put them above your head, burying his head in your neck.

Your legs wrapped around his waist locking him in place. He started kissing your neck dropping one of your hands so he could grab your hair pulling you closer so you had no choice, but to let him overstimulate you. Your head tilted back as your eyes rolled to the back of your head. Pussy walls getting so damn tight around him he thought you were going to squeeze him out.

He moaned, “That’s it, Baby. Cum for Daddy.” He was trying so hard to hold on. Your pussy felt too good, though. He knew he wasn’t going to last for much longer. Just one more. He wanted to give you one more before cumming deep inside you. “Say my name.”

“Chris, fuck me,” you moaned.

“Oh fuck,” he gasped. “Oh fuck, Y/N.”

Your free hand clawed at his back. He was so glad he made you take sometime for yourself today because you’d gotten your nails done and he loved the feeling on his skin. “Chris,” you mewled this time.

He picked up the pace again. Needing to fucking make you cum again right now because he was so close. You cried out and he had to kiss you to keep you quiet. You shuddered as it hit you again. Juices seeping down his length. He fucked you through your orgasm, prolonging it. You sobbed because you were so sensitive.

“Fuck, Y/N,” he groaned, breathing all heavy as he finally did it. Touching his forward to yours as his cum shot deep inside of you. “Fuck,” he breathed, “fuck, I love you.”

You tried to say it back, but he’d left you unable to find words as you came down from your high. You shut your eyes putting your head against his shoulder.

He slumped down on top of you needing to be close. Both of you breathing heavy. He chuckled as he kissed your cheek, wrapping his arms around you

“Are you gonna stay like this all night?” You laughed even though it almost hurt to laugh.

“I might.” He sighed contently.

You kissed his forehead, nuzzling into his hair with your nose then doing it again. Fuck his heart felt so full from your softness.

He yawned. He knows he should probably move because he didn’t want to crush you, but he was comfortable.

“Is everything okay? You know you can tell me anything.” You rubbed his back making sure to soothe where you’d scratched him.

“I’m perfect. I just... it feels nice,” he said. “I’m not hurting you am I?”

You kissed his forehead again. “No.”

He smiled while you ran your fingers through his hair. As he started to doze off all he could think about how lucky he was to have you. That he needed to hurry up to make you his wife.

#Chris Evans x reader #Chris Evans smut #chris evans x black!reader #chris evans x black women #chris evans x woc #chris evans x poc!reader #daddy!chris Evans

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arowrath · 2 years

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my line of thought is like. ive been in treatment for depression/anxiety for 6 years now. and im getting,, a little bit better? but im definitely not recovering at the rate that is normal- apparently ppl usually feel much better after 3-4 months. which means somethings up. theres a reason im not seeing drastic improvement & my theory is that something is going untreated. like. something else is going on . i dont see my therapist until tuesday or i wouldve brought this up in therapy today.

& i dont mean this in a negative "oh somethings wrong with me" "oh ill never get better" way . i mean that . yeah somethings wrong with me /neu. and i need that to be diagnosed and treated before i can recover from my other stuff. like i do think that if whatevers wrong with me gets at least diagnosed/recognized ill feel a lot better. bc thats the starting point of how treatment will change.

but also it feels bad cuz like, my therapist is great i love her. and i feel like the treatment shes doing WOULD work if there werent . yknow. something wrong with me

and like Yeah i have my guesses. but ive always felt rlly rlly bad abt self dxing even tho im fine with literally anyone else self dxing. ive suspefcted i have adhd since i was 14 and i still dont like. say it. jfgkfd i dunno. sorry im talking to myself. blogging on my blog again :rolling_eyes: how dare i.

#text #DO NOT REBLOG ^_^#neg

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sevendeadlymorons · 3 years

Note

Hey I’m that one anon from a while back that sent those long ass paragraphs about Lilith and Simeon, remember me? Anyway I know I’m very late to the party, but some of the boys are either getting to much hate or too much love over here (in my opinion) so I made a pros and cons list for all of them, I’m sorry- (I’m warning you now this will be long but I’ll put it in bullet points so it’s a bit easier to read, just read it whenever your mentally ready lol)

Lucifer (I hate this man.)

Pros

He’d help a lot with getting your life together wether that be finding a job, choosing the right college or other shit like that

He’d make sure your working hard and getting everything done, which is both a blessing and a curse tbh

He would be the one to take the most care of you whenever your ill psychically

Cons

He would probably overwork you

Doesnt have much time to spend on you and doesn’t make a effort to find more time unless your getting really sad about it

Probably wouldn’t be the best of help through issues with mental illness (he just doesn’t strike me as that type, feel free to disagree)

His pride would cause some serious problems in relationships :/

Mammon (I love this man.)

Pros

He’s the “if your sad, I’m sad” kind of guy so he does whatever he can to put a smile on your face

Makes his affection towards you known once he’s comfortable enough, mostly through things like hugs and head pats tho

He shows off anything you make, and I mean anything (you gave him a drawing? After showing it to everyone he puts it on the fridge. You wrote something? He reads it to everyone then puts it in his notebook to reread later, I think you get where I’m going with this)

Cons

There would probably be some communication issues due to his tsundere nature and habit of ignoring you when he’s mad

He’d get super mad at you when your trying to help him financially, maybe it’s a ego thing or maybe he’s just tired of hearing it

While his possessiveness is cute at times he’d definitely get way to overbearing if you don’t force him to cool it

Levi (I kin this man.)

Pros

He’d try to set up designated hangout times (like Friday is movie night, Tuesday is for RPGs etc)

Wanna spend time with him but aren’t very into what he’s into? While it will be harder to bond with him because of this I think if you REALLY wanted to hang with him he’d at least try to meet you in the middle (like if you like sports he’ll offer to play wii sports lol)

Insecurities getting you down again? Well never fear, levi is here! He’d find characters with flaws similar to those you see in yourself to prove that they don’t really matter (and since he struggles with insecurity himself he’d know how you feel and be one of the best at helping you through them)

Cons

Even if he makes an effort to meet you in the middle if you have different interests he’d refuse to get into “normie” stuff

He’ll guilt trip you constantly, even if it’s not on purpose (“Oh your hanging out with Asmo today? I get it, of course you’d wanna hang out with somebody cool and perfect like Asmo and not a gross yucky otaku like me”)

You have to initiate almost everything Hugs? You hug first. Handholding? You reach out to him. Confessions? You seriously thought he’d be the one to confess first??

Satan

Pros

Similar to Lucifer he’d be good at helping you get your life together and putting you on the right track

Unlike Lucifer, he’d actively make time for date nights and/or hangouts multiple times a week wether your going out for dinner or reading in front of the fireplace

While he himself might not be best at helping with comfort in the moment, he’d be great to turn to if you needed a long time treatment (you need a therapist? He’s got the best three in your area that you can afford and he found some helpful things you can do in this book)

Cons

As stated previously, he’s not the best with comfort, which can be an issue if you need a friend/partner who can be your biggest source of comfort (I’m not saying he’ll do nothing, it’ll just be kinda awkward ig)

If you vent to him about something he’ll always offer advice and while that can be good, sometimes all you want is someone to listen to you and getting advice can be annoying in the moment

I feel like hanging out with him you’d rarely ever get to talk about pointless things, everything would be serious you know? And while serious and deep conversations are good for bonding, some people (myself included) need to be able to talk about dumb things without having it turn philosophical

Asmo

Pros

He’s the best at boosting your confidence, there’s no competition

He’s more into spontaneous outings (he suddenly got the urge to go shopping, your coming with right?)

You can talk about just about anything with him, no judgment and he’ll never speak a word of it to anyone else if you don’t want him to (although he may brag to his brothers that you told him your secrets)

High emotional IQ

Cons

He has set things of things he’s interested in and his idea of trying the things your into is doing whatever it is for about 5 seconds then deciding it’s not for him

He cares a lot about looks, I don’t mean he’ll hate you or insult you cause he thinks your ugly, I mean he’ll constantly try to do your makeup, hair, and nails and he’ll always say things like “Your hair is a bit messy today, did you brush it? Yes? Well not good enough, let me do it” and “your wearing that out? There’s nothing wrong with it, I just think you’d look a lot cuter in this” and if your anything like me, that’ll get on your nerves a lot

While he’s great with emotional issues, if it’s a problem with anything like school or your job he’ll have no solution to offer, all you’ll get is a “You can do it!” and a good luck kiss

Narcissistic, need I say more?

Beel

Pros

He’s the best person to vent to, no judgment and tons of hugs and comfort food

He’s a mom friend, no explanation needed

Very supportive and always concerned for your health

Your in trouble? Call beel, he’ll help you and make sure your home safe before questioning you and will only lecture you out of love (unlike a certain older brother that will lecture you because “Your tarnishing Diavlo’s reputation by acting out like this. Your an exchange student, you must abide by the rules and behave yourself.”)

Cons

Food is his answer to everything (Sad?Food. Injured? Food. School’s stressful? Food plus a little help studying) and while food can be good for comfort, sometimes you need him to provide more than a snack

He’s the opposite of Satan in the sense that he’ll almost never offer advice when you rant to him, he just assumes getting it all out is help enough and won’t offer much more then a hug and food

Not getting along with one of his brothers? “They can be a handful, but they’re great people once you learn to handle the chaos” yeah he rarely thinks what his brothers did is a big deal so he gives you advice on how to apologize and get past it and he’ll give you food

Belphie (he really does attract the mentally ill people huh-)

Cons

I feel like he’d be good for certain people with social anxiety and people who have issues with always being scared about being a bad person (“you think your a bad person and are becoming more and more toxic by the day? Well your a better person than Lucifer that’s for sure, wether or not your toxic were going to cuddle now get in bed” or “your worried everyone is constantly staring and judging you for everything you do? Well I don’t really care about what your wearing or the way you walk so I doubt they do either, can we go home now?” ((Side note, I experience both of these issues and his uncaring personality would calm me, which is why I think this one of his pros))

He just wouldn’t care about whatever type of life style you lead and as someone who’s constantly scared of being judged for their lifestyle this would be amazing (“you sleep all the time? Same let’s nap together” “You don’t eat very healthy? Whatever, it’s fine, can we sleep now?” ((although it is a double edged sword))

He gets a burst of energy and just does the most random things (you see that tree? He’s already climbed half way up it. That petting zoo? He’s already feeding the lambs. That store? He’s already spent 30 grim)

Cons

Just like his twin he thinks every problem has one solution, but instead of food he thinks the solution is sleep (your sick? Sleep is the best medicine. A lot of homework? If you sleep you don’t have to think about it.)

At some point he just doesn’t care enough, if you come to him with a serious issue he’ll half listen to you rant then pull you down to sleep

He teases you a lot, which is fine teasing is fun, but he takes it too far. Maybe he touched on something your insecure about or he was too merciless, whatever it was, he won’t apologize for it, he just thinks your being sensitive. If he brought up some bad memories he’ll consider it, but his way of apologizing is cuddling

He doesn’t wanna do something? You guys aren’t gonna do it. You don’t wanna do something? Too bad, he wants to so your gonna.

I’m sorry this is so long- I tried to shorten it I swear- but anyway if you disagree I’m with anything, I wanna hear what you think

And even tho Beel doesn’t get much screen time and more serious moments, I think his character is way more then hunger

Random but I wanna add that other then Levi I kin Tamaki from mha and Ranpo from bsd

Dude do you just like torturing poor college students? This is so much to read, I’m about to cry 😭

I agree with the Lucifer part actually! Tho I do kinda thing he’s be good emotion support in some ways, for me, anyway. I feel like he may lack empathy that is needed in a stable relationship. Yes, he may be able to tell you with shit and honestly, he’d book my doctors appointments when I’m too anxious too so yknow. But yeah

Also agree with mammon. He’s a jackass when he wants to be, and I know he may not mean it, but his words are still hurtful in a lot of ways and he just can’t convey those emotions that’re needed in a loving relationship. But he’s so sweet and will show you off so it’s all good~

As much as I love Levi, I agree. He manipulates and guilt trips you throughout the entire game. It can’t be healthy in relationships but that don’t stop me from loving that sweet otaku boy 😔🖤

I agree with Satan too. I don’t have much to say but he’s avatar of wrath for a reason, for a start, and he honestly looks like he’d prefer talking about books than that funny thing that happened in class that made you laugh earlier

Agreed with Asmo too. Sometimes he may just get overbearing and the narcissism and the constant need to make you look better and improve you may get irritating

I agree with Beel. I don’t think he can comprehend that food isn’t an answer to everything and as a person who doesn’t cope with food and relatively hates it, he won’t be any help to me emotionally. He’s so sweet but he just won’t give you that proper support

I love Belphie so so much but I absolutely agree. He’s one of the most unbothered brothers who won’t care what you look like, yes, but that also means compliments may come rarely and like his twin, “sleep is the answer to everything” I can admit I like to sleep but I have a manic side that comes with insomnia and if he’s dragging me down and not letting me move and I just cannot sleep, I’m gonna get irritated and pissed off.

This got a bit long on my end too. I just really liked how you worded this and it was fun to see pros and cons of the ‘perfect’ brothers

I think Beel is more than food too, but I just don’t particularly like him either way cuz I’m not really a foodie so I can’t relate with him lmao

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supportivespaceforsurvivors · 3 years

Note

i kept this vague, so i don't think any cws are needed...

i'm a trauma holding alter, but i have my own memories as well. my memories are more... icky... than the body's memories. i'm afraid of talking about my memories with anyone, but... i want to get help. the memories are traumatic to me, even if the body didn't experience them. it's scary asking for help because i don't want to be invalidated, and no one that can really help me knows that i, and all our other alters, exist. we have our first counselling appointment this tuesday, and our host and a few other alters are planning on making it known that we're a system to them. maybe not on our first meeting, but eventually. it's so scary to me.

i think i mainly need some advice about this? but anything else the mods think would be helpful would be nice, too...

Hey anon. I'm sory this went unanswered for so long. You said you had a therapy appointment scheduled for two days after you sent this. How did it go? Please feel free to send an update!

I put off answering this ask because I couldn't really think of any DID-specific advice and I was having an anxiety attack about flying to Colorado. (It went fine, by the way, I'm waiting at the airport for my plane back right now!)

What we did at our first appointment with our current therapist was write up a list of questions to which the answers were non-negotiable. If she had answered any of them in a way we didn't approve of, we wouldn't have seen her again. Some of them were about specific stigmatized disorders that we have, including our DID. I very much recommend doing something similar if you haven't already or if you decide to try a different therapist. I will post the list under a read more in case it might be helpful for any of our followers.

Please note that I did not put any questions about insurance on our list, but if you have those questions, you should make sure to ask them. The reason it wasn't on our list is because we already had the answer.

I also want to recommend to any DID systems that if there are certain areas of DID syscourse (for lack of better word) like integration or the language you use to refer to yourself that is important to you, to bring it up to your therapist at one of your first appointments. If your therapist won't respect whatever you say, that is a huge red flag.

I hope this list of question helps some of our followers!

Mod Devyn

What is your opinion on controversial diagnoses like DID?

What is your opinion on stigmatized diagnoses like BPD? Do you diagnose people with these if they fit the criteria?

What diagnoses do you feel like you work well with? Which ones do you feel you don't work well with?

Do you have any lived experience with any of the disorders/mental illnesses/diagnoses you treat? (Yes, you are legally allowed to ask this.)

How long are sessions?

What techniques are you trained in besides EMDR? (This one may not be applicable.)

What made you decide to become a therapist that specializes in trauma?

What kind of clients do you usually see? (age, identity)

How do you handle copays?

How do you approach a client if you personally feel like you do not work well with them?

Do you bring your religion into therapy, is it something you keep completely separate, or does it depend on the individual to whom you are speaking?

Do you have any prevalent beliefs that may impact how you work with a client? (politics, religion, etc)

#ask #answered #mod devyn #anonymous

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missskzbiased · 3 years

Text

I Hate That I’m Afraid to Love You (3)

Genre: Romance, Friendship, Angst, Hurt /Confort , Suggestive, Fluff College Au, Enemies to Friends to Lovers Au, REALLY Slow burn, Love Square (?)

Pairing: Hyunjin X Fem!Reader X Han X OC

WC: ~ 5,0K

[Previous] [Chap] [Next]

Masterlist

Warnings (general*): Language, Mentions of (Physical abuse, Death/ Loss of Loved One, Child Abandonment/Neglect, Divorce, Toxic Parents, Cancer, Mental disorder, Anxiety Attack)

Notes: I hope you guys like it. Chapter 2’s tags didn’t work TT.TT so I hope this time the tags works… *Sigh* Anyway! This and the next 2 chapters will have more of an angsty feeling to them. If you guys feel that I should put a warning or something like this, please let me know! [Although I think I listed everything on the general warnings]

I’m opened to any feedback! It’s my first fic like this so I know I have a lot to learn yet. Any tips or suggestions are welcomed!

REMINDER: I’m neither a psychologist nor a psychology student.

The next chapters will have some things related to psychology BUT IT’S ALL FROM MY MIND. Please don’t consider it as something a therapist would say.

Also, don’t consider it as a good way to handle any mental illness.

Just as a note, the MC will realize she needs therapy at some point [~chap10], so I’m not trying to show friendship, love or whatever as the solution to mental illness [Though those kind of things can help you out, consider doing therapy if it’s possible]

Updates: I’ll update it once a week [Tuesdays] because I still have to write the chapters to come and review the ones I already wrote

////

If you knew all it took to get Hyunjin’s head out of his ass was confront him, you would have done it way too sooner.

You knew you got on his nerve when he came into the classroom without sparing you a glance, his usual mocking self nowhere to be seen. He walked straight ahead to his seat, gliding, his chin slightly upraised as if he felt like a royal member himself, lips quirked up in a carefree way that you knew he was feigning. You shouldn’t feel too good about it, but you felt it anyway.

Paris noticed something was wrong, her eyes following him amazed, noticing he didn’t try to flirt or tease you at all.

“Is it just me or he just ignored you?” She asked surprised, her eyes glued to him even when he was already settled on his seat “He didn’t even look here!” Her eyes shot at you, mischievous “What did you do?” she grinned devilishly.

“Nothing” You shrugged, struggling to keep your smirk off of your face.

You always said you didn’t really hate Hyunjin and you meant it, but it didn’t mean you were anywhere near to be fond of him in any way. You knew you were being petty and childish, but you couldn’t help it. You weren’t obliged to put up with his guts! He had this infuriating aura around him like he was some kind of god, and it just upsets you to the point you wanted to punch him sometimes. He did nothing wrong, but that was exactly the issue! You hated these kinda movies that pictured the male lead as a perfect little thing that could do all he wanted because he was just amazing... People like this didn’t exist.

Except that he almost fit that image.

Now, you weren’t saying he was perfect! He was way too far from that if your opinion had any importance at all. The thing is that he is rich. Okay... But being rich is enough to make you hostile towards someone? Well, it is when this someone doesn’t put a damn effort into anything and you have to work your ass off to get the same results as him. So maybe you were envious? Yeah, maybe. Whatever. You felt wronged when you knew you had to be all work and no play while he could play whenever he wants because he was blessed with a good family.

It was infuriating.

Of course, you would be able to get good scores at everything without putting any effort into it if you were tutored back in high school like he was... Of course, you would be able to look charismatic and sassy if you had the time to sleep after your work, instead of studying your ass off so you could keep up your grades and your scholarship... Of course, you would be able to have fun and be relaxed, hence being able to absorb all the information your professors spat out if you didn’t have to live up to everyone’s expectations! And, of course, you would be able to have a good relationship with the university if you were a hell out of a rich girl that could give your damn money to the university and get on everyone’s good side.

So maybe it wasn’t Hyunjin’s fault to be able to do things you couldn’t do even if you worked your fingers to the bone... But he and his shitty personality didn’t help his case at all. Maybe if he was a kind guy or something like this, but he was an asshole! He knew how you hated all those things about him, and he would still rub it to your face. He got off on the fact you were miserable compared to him! Every time he could bring up how he was better than you in every aspect (which he wasn’t, really!), he would. Every time he could show you how the professors got on his side just because, he would. Every time he could do something that made you pissed off, he would.

So maybe it wasn’t Hyunjin’s fault he had everything you worked for.

But his good for nothing personality was solely his fault.

And you would hold on it for your dear life.

“Y/N, could you refresh my memory? What was your feeling’s choice?” Your professor, Mr.Lee, asked in a quiet tone before scratching his white beard, his eyes focused on yours, analyzing your every move. It was kind of invasive every time he looked at you as if he could see your soul, and you wondered if someday you would be like him.

“It was Hate, sir” You answered firmly, your eyes sharp as a knife when you returned his gaze.

“Would you care to enlighten us about your choice? Is it too personal?” He asked in a kind tone, letting it be your call. You didn’t understand why he was beating around the bush like this, but you shrugged it off.

“As I said last week, sir, I think hate can move people to do dreadful things without thinking about the consequences… I believe nothing can beat hate. Not time. Not love” You looked in Paris’ way with an apologetic smile “I guess I made my point clear enough last time” You added, a tight smile on your lips.

“Yes. Yes, You did… I remember a lot of raising hands to agree with your plea” He acknowledged, his eyes darting to Hyunjin this time “And you, Hyunjin? I believe your answer was also quite defended last Friday” He encouraged. Hyunjin looked back at him, still averting his eyes from you at all costs.

Your smirk made its way to your lips as you felt superiority’s sweet taste.

“Yes, it was, sir” He agreed. Even though he didn’t feel like talking to you and seemed… Tense, his voice still hung that endearing power he had, getting everyone’s attention as he opened his mouth to repeat what he said before “Fear is clearly stronger than Hate as it can paralyze people, make them give up on everything… If hate makes you do things you regret, fear also makes you regret things you can’t do” He seemed off as he spoke it, his eyes too focused, his jaw clenched slightly… His arguments got better too, maybe he thought about it since Friday?

Probably not.

“And I believe no one could agree with Paris, since the classes ended in the best part of our discussion! Paris had a good argument, though, and I happened to hear from Hyunjin himself, that it beat his own” He sang, Paris chirped excitedly, making you chuckle “If any of you were too hungry and lost to remember, she said Love was the strongest feeling because it could beat any other… You could beat fear and hate with it, you could do something out of love or sacrifice yourself by not doing something in the name of love…” His voice hung there, purposely pulling an imaginary string, getting everyone attention as he looked around, the cliffhanger being too hard to ignore.

“So who was right?” You heard someone asks from the back, your eyes glued to your professor’s smirk as you waited, your breathing withhold on your chest, hoping you could be the one to be right, or at least Paris…

“No one and every one of them” He announced, proudly. It was needless to say all the holding breaths came out as disappointed sighs, an unknown winner standing for the title you would never get “This exercise isn’t about who is right or wrong… There is no such thing as the most powerful feeling! Every single feeling has a full meaning for that one person that holds it” You rolled your eyes, thinking about how Mr.Lee could be such a good professor and such a bad one. He was bullshitting all of you, and to speak of which—

“That’s bullshit!” A girl uttered in the front row “Are you saying a patient in love is the same as a patient who wants to kill themselves?! Someone who hates themselves so much they want to be dead… You can’t say it’s not as powerful as some lovesick bast—I mean, person” Okay, so maybe that girl had some hate issues? You saw his eyes lit up as if he was expecting a tantrum.

“You can’t see a patient who hates himself and say he’s more important than that one fearing something to the point he can’t even get away from his own house… Nor say the one who’s healing themselves with love ─ this being self-love or someone else’s love ─ isn’t as important as your other patient… Every single human being is a full universe, and a good professional has to be able to see it clearly! The most important feeling to you may not be the most important feeling to this patient, you have to think ahead of yourself” He smiled at the end of his speech, clearly proud of the marveled looks on your face.

You thought it was kinda cute how he stood there giving these same classes probably for… twenty? Thirty years? And still got so excited to see how all of you would react. You let a smile flicker over your face, and you felt Paris beam at your side ─probably relating it with music in her head─ but Hyunjin wasn’t so impressed, raising his hand promptly, getting a nod from Mr.Lee who was giving him the word.

“What did you make us suggest them for? If the whole point was to make us understand every feeling matters, I can’t understand why we lost one day debating it” You turned your head from Hyunjin to Mr.Lee, expecting what kind of answer he would give.

He grinned again, glad things were going on his way.

“That’s a great question” He agreed “The thing is, my fellow students, you guys tend to state the most important feeling to you… I think it should be no surprise that you are all adults struggling with things along your way, and by this simple debate, I can tell you, Mr.Hyunjin, struggle with a great fear of something… I can tell Ms.Paris healed herself with great love… If you want me to be more specific, I do remember her statement about love being protective, and her examples were about a mother protecting her child and a soldier… Would I be wrong if I guess your mom’s love moved her to do great things to protect you from something really dangerous, Ms.Paris? Perhaps something as violent as a war?” Holy shit! You felt as you were on a ‘Now You See Me’ movie, all hidden things getting a spotlight right in front of you.

“No, sir! You would be totally right!” She agreed blissfully, getting a humming from him.

“I thought so too” He joked, laughing to himself “Do you have any more questions, Mr.Hyunjin?” His voice held this knowing tone when you just knew you have nailed it.

You felt the urge to clap, excited at all this.

Then you felt the urge to hide.

You struggled with hate, and now it was unfolded there for anyone who wanted to see it.

You couldn’t focus on your classes anymore, your mind wandering around some stuff you didn’t really want to remember right now, your childhood unfolding there like a really long movie that you didn’t want to watch at all. Paris seemed to notice your absentminded self, her hand resting on top of yours, reassuringly squeezing your own before you smiled weakly at her, the soft contact dragging you out of your thoughts.

“I’m fine” You guaranteed, receiving a nod as a response.

Her hand never left yours though.

There are times, such as this, your mind just gets numb.

It’s almost like a TV snowing, the soft noise sounding like numbness at the back of your mind, nothing really getting there, even though your eyes were opened and looking straight ahead, you didn’t take in any images. You weren’t quite sure what was on your mind when the loud alarm sounded through your brain, getting you startled, your eyes snapping back to whatever was happening in front of you: A sea of students wiping their stuff into their bags and scattering around. You looked around, confused when you finally noticed the class had ended.

How long were you thinking? Were you even thinking? What was Mr.Lee saying?

You sighed heavily, looking at the blank pages on your notebook, and you could almost feel like he stared back at you, disappointed. Paris rested her hand on your shoulder, burying your head with a worried look that made you say the first thing coming across your head “Classes ended already”, Oh, well… That was a poor statement… You got a sympathetically look as an answer, “Han must be almost here, we should get ready” You added, a more useful wording this time, getting your stuff and standing up, your hand finally away from hers.

She got up as well, letting you go just like this. You couldn’t be more grateful for her understanding right now. You merged into the crowd getting out of the class, taking short steps and stretching your neck, trying to get air and have a vision around, searching for Han in the hallways. As soon as you got out, you felt a hand grab your wrist, pulling you to the sides, colliding with a warm chest that made you frown annoyed, glaring at the boy who turned out to be Han himself.

“Are you blind?” He laughed, ruffling your hair, getting a chuckle from Paris.

“No, you’re just too small” You mocked, his whining making you and Paris laugh. The three of you made your way through the crowded hallways, heading to the dining hall, ready to eat whatever was being served there. You looked around the Quad, expecting to see Chan there waiting for Hyunjin and wave at him, since you knew they both use to have lunch together on Tuesdays.

What you didn’t expect was to catch a glance at an odd woman, her flashy fashion getting your attention immediately and making you feel dizzy.

You would bet you were pale as a ghost.

“Hey, are you okay?” You heard Han ask, glancing over the area you were staring “You seem kinda… Off” He stated worried, getting Paris attention as well, making her stop her blabbering about today’s class and look at you concerned.

“I’m just hungry” You uttered, looking at them with a tight smile “Let’s go quickly before I pass out” You said hurriedly, pulling them by their wrists, eager to get out of there.

They let you hurry them, exchanging a look before shrugging it off.

////

You felt your heart slamming on your chest, your lungs seeming too small to handle your need for air. Although you weren’t running for real, your steps were quick and wide, your head swivels as you tried to find Chan on campus, your legs burning as you walked fast and your neck hurting to move around searching for him. You felt a hand on your shoulder, grabbing it with much more strength than needed, and you shut your eyes closed, defeat washing over you.

“Holy shit, where were you?!” Chan’s voice sounded alarmed and your disappointment switched to relief.

“Oh, thank god!” You chirped, turning around and hugging him out of reflex “Where were you?! Did you see her?” You asked worried, his face giving all the answers you needed “Is it bad?” Your voice sounded weak even to your ears, thin and trembling.

Fragile.

“It’s… Well, it’s not good” He mused, averting his eyes “It could be worst I guess… She wants to talk to you” He explained, his hand squeezing your shoulder “I told her I would ask you to meet her at the yard… It was the least crowded place I could think of… ” He sighed, looking tired; he must have been worried, running around like this just to find you “Where the hell is your phone? Why can’t you pick up my call, woman” He complained, trying to light up the mood, but you couldn’t find his teasing amusing right now.

“I forgot it at the dorm… I will pick it up later, before work” You answered, kinda absent-minded, your mind wandering around a hundred thoughts at the same time, your breathing starting to falter. You felt his arms wrapping you up, embracing you tightly and soothing something on your ear as he stroke your hair gently, his sudden touch getting your attention back to him “Thank you” You muttered against his chest, clearing your throat before pushing him away gently “Lord, stop being cheesy” You joked, making him scoff in disbelief.

“I run around this damn place because you can’t take your phone with you like a grown-up ass and you call me cheesy?” He snorted, feigning to be hurt as his hand rose to his chest “I even ditched Hyunjin for you…” He added, swiping imaginary tears as he looked at you.

“Hyunjin was with you?” You asked exhausted “Great… Did she say anything in front of him?” He was quick to shake his head, denying, and you let a relieved sigh “Well, that’s good then”

“I asked him to wait where we were, guided your mom, and came for you… I don’t think he connected the dots yet, although he will ask about it for sure” He explained briefly and you nodded in response “I think you should go talk to her before she comes back” He reasoned, and you nodded in agreement, squeezing his shoulder in silent gratefulness before smiling gently at him, getting a small smile back.

If you had one thing in this world you could always count on it would be Chan.

You picked up your pace, trying to reach the yard as fast as possible, using all your strength to gather your thoughts together; worry washing over you as you got closer to your destination. You couldn’t be distracted; you had to keep calm, to be understanding, to be focused. As soon as your eyes landed on her, you felt your heart pang. She was beautiful, of course, her blond dyed hair suited her well, and her sunglasses matched well her style, the flowery dress giving a girly and young vibe to her.

How long had it been since you saw her like this?

She seemed to notice you, taking her glasses off and flashing you a bright smile, getting up from the bench she was sitting on, and coming to meet you halfway. You looked around, checking for people you knew, before sighing in relief as you made sure the yard was indeed pretty vacant, just like Chan predicted, and opened your arms so she could hug you like she made mention to do.

“Long time no see!” She chirped, hugging you tightly, and you seized the moment for a bit, her warm embrace making you smile homesickly “You never come back home! We miss you” There was it. You nodded, not really agreeing with her, and broke away from her, a tight smile adorning your lips.

“Yeah… We just have a lot to do here” You lied “How is it back home? Why are you here?” You asked genuinely curious. She shrugged, grabbing your wrist and guiding you to the bench she was sitting before, sitting down and patting it so you would do the same.

“I think I will get back with your father” She beamed “He’s in love with me! I wanted you to be the first one to know” You closed your eyes, sighing before you opened them again, looking straight into hers. She looked exactly as you remembered in your childhood… Delusional.

“Mom, he doesn’t love you…” You said cautiously, searching for any signs of rage on her face, but all you got for an answer was a scoff “He abandoned you, mom… He’s back now, but he doesn’t love you… Please, don’t make a big deal out of it” You pleaded, but now her disgust was plastered all around her face.

“You were always like this… You never loved him!” She uttered, her voice rising just for a bit, but it made your heart race anyway, afraid she could get out of control “That was exactly why he left us!” She added, her rage made you shrink your shoulders, your eyes unconsciously scanning around to see if anyone was looking, shame imbuing every part of your body.

“I wasn’t the reason he left” You muttered, her gasp getting your attention again, her eyes accusing you silently.

“Are you saying I was the reason he left us?” She asked, hatred dripping from her words.

Yes.

“No, of course not!” You rushed to say, your lie tasting bitter on your throat, the dry gulp inevitable “We’re not to blame… It was his own fault” You reassured her, your hand making its way to her shoulder before she swapped it away, huffing.

“You’re unbelievable” She snickered “He came back for me, he has been with me for three years! You can’t understand how much he loves me! How much we belong together!” Her voice was loud now, and you were sure anyone who happened to go through the yard would be watching you “He loved you, Y/N… He even had your photo! Did you know that? He had that tiny photo of you… He never stopped loving you, and you can’t be grateful for what you have!” You bit your lower lip, trying to stay calm, to be the responsible one.

Again.

“Are you taking your meds?” You asked tired, your back curved as if you had aged fifty years in this few minutes of talk “Is he giving you your meds?” You asked again, looking in her eyes. She looked at you like you were a bug annoying her, her brows frown as she leaned closer to your face.

“I don’t need the pills” She spat angrily, her eyes shooting yours “I can take care of myself! Look at me, I’m here, ain’t I? I came here by myself! I don’t need to be enclosed! I’m okay!” She got up from the bench, yelling at you. Finally, some people seemed to notice the commotion, and you could only avert your eyes…

You could handle it, you always did it.

“I can take care of myself just like I took care of you!”

No, you couldn’t.

“I took care of you” You uttered, your eyes burying in hers “Do you know who didn’t take care of you?! Who didn’t take care of me?!” You yelled back, angry “Him! He didn’t take care of you! He didn’t love you! He doesn’t love you now!” You got up from the bench as well, gesticulating widely as shame and anger mixed up on your guts, the solid presence of eyes fixed on you in the back of your head, fueling it.

Way to go, Y/N! Just what she needed right now!

You felt the sting on your cheek before you could process what happened.

“You don’t even see him at home, you know nothing” She spat, her hand still raised in the air, no signs of regret in her eyes. You felt the tears prickling, your hand trailing to your face slowly before caressing the hot skin, the pain in your chest deeper than what you felt on your face. You didn’t dare to look around, to check people’s reaction, so you just stood there, looking her in the eyes as your vision blurred.

“Oh my god” You heard a male voice, startled.

You could recognize it even if you didn’t hear it for three whole years, even if before that you haven’t heard it for a whole ten years of your life… You could recognize it anywhere because it was his voice, the voice who answered you when you first learned to say daddy, the voice that soothed you before sleep, the voice who supported your mother through her depression, the voice that yelled at her when she was being a maniac, the voice that vanished from your life… That voice belonged to the one who had only one task… And failed it.

“Honey!” Your mother beamed; his eyes landed on her confused before turning to you. He was accompanied by a man in uniform, a Hospital logo on his chest that you promptly recognized as Chan’s family business, he walked over to your mother, guiding her away gently.

Of course, it was Chan, even when your father showed up to do something useful, it wasn’t his initiative.

“You suck” You said as you got closer to him, rage bubbling inside you “You just needed to take care of her… Can you do at least one thing right? Can you take care of anyone at all?” You asked exhausted, stopping right in front of him, your eyes held a disappointment that made him shrink.

“I’m giving it to her… I don’t know what is happening” He defended himself, making you scoff.

“Did you look under her tongue? Are you sure she’s taking it? Maybe, if you were there you would have known that she may hide the pills and sometimes refuses to take them…” You laughed humorlessly “It’s funny because I learned it at… ten years? And you don’t seem to learn anything at your forties or whatever!” You snorted, pissed off and bitter,”I should know something was wrong though… Her messages were different…“ You mused, drowning in your guilty.

“I tried to reach for you, but you didn’t pick up…I was hoping she would get better” He admitted and you could only roll your eyes, looking away before averting them back to him in a cold-steel glare.

“Yeah, because it’s my fault you can’t handle something that I handled just fine as a kid” You spat, disbelief in your eyes “I can see how invested you are in this” You gestured between yourselves, scoffing as he averted his eyes ashamed. You prepared to make your way to your room but as soon as you got past him, he turned around, calling you.

“I missed you” He muttered, making you spin on your heels.

“I bet you did” You smiled bitterly “You’re a professional at missing things… You missed a lot of them all this time, didn’t you? I bet you missed me so much! You missed my birthdays a lot!” You laughed bitterly, clasping your hands together and tilting your head “You missed my graduation… You missed all the therapy mom had to take because of you! You even missed the only thing you had to do to try to redeem yourself!” You scoffed, shaking your head in contempt “You missed a lot of things, dad… You’re twelve years too late to miss me now, though” You sighed, turning away from him and walking straight ahead to your dorm.

As you walked through the yard, heading to the dorms, you could only feel all of your emotions boiling up, tightening your chest, blocking your throat, and turning into tears before you shot your head up, a failed attempt to stop the tears falling down your face as you walked. People didn’t seem to mind your crying though, as you should have expected, since college students were fated to cry about their terms, essays, and all of the troubles college brought to their lives. You could only feel relief as you lowered your head and quickened your pace, people ignoring you.

As soon as you opened your door, slamming it open in your stupor, you regretted your crying, and your poor choice of place to go, watching as Han and Paris widened their eyes at you, startled by your state. You closed the door behind you, closing your eyes and clearing your throat, your hands hurriedly wiping your tears away before you turned around to look at them with a clearly fake smile that you knew that looked more like a grimace.

“Sorry for interrupting” You said, voice almost steady “I… Will be in my room” You added, fast walking.

“I think you should go…” You heard Paris telling him “Y/N, come here, let’s talk” She pleaded. You heard both of them getting up from the couch. You locked your door right after you got to your room and sat on the floor, head burying in your knees as you hugged them. You heard a door opening, probably Han going away, and as soon Paris knocked on your door you started to cry again.

“I saw them again… She came to talk to me” You blurted, trying to say something coherent but failing it “She said he loves her… She said it’s my fault they got away from each other… She slapped me…” You sobbed now and then, and even though you tried to explain the situation you Knew Paris must feel lost there, not knowing what to say “He said he missed me… I fought with him again, Paris… I’m just like him! I will abandon everyone around me…” You cried hard this time, trying to recompose yourself miserably, grabbing your ears and swinging back and forth, trying to calm down.

As you hushed yourself, you missed the door closing with a loud bang.

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jaydicksummerexchange · 4 years

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JAYDICK EXCHANGE: SEPTEMBER 3

[ ❤ Works posted so far! ❤ ]

SECOND TO LAST DAY OF THE JAYDICK EXCHANGE!

Why the second to last instead of the last? That’s because we’ve reached 114 Exchange works for 2020! The more treats get added, the more we time we add to our juicy cabooses and keep the exchange train rolling. Until Saturday that is. Tomorrow is the final posting date, and we’ll reveal the wonderful participants on September 5 no matter what.

Here are today’s releases!

Claws by anonymous for solomonara [ART, Not Rated, No Archive Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: FanartHurt/Comfort, Injured Jason, Secret Identity, dick's teams don't know the red hood's identity, dick's harem of morally ambiguous older men, dick: he's not older, dick: wait i mean he's not my villain boyfriend, dick: damn it

Summary: Dick takes the Red Hood to a Titan safehouse after an injury. Explanations are expected.

Learning To Love The Fall by anonymous for 3isme [ART, Teen, No Warnings Apply, JayDick]

Additional Tags: Fanart, Alternate Universe - 1920s, Mechanic Jason Todd, Plane Pilot Dick Grayson

Summary: It's the early 1900s and the country of Gotham is recovering from a long war.

Trying to get a better life, Jason Todd has been moonlighting as an underground plane mechanic for illegal aeroplane racers, getting a cut of whatever the pilot wins. After one particular competition, he's accused of sabotage and, despite his protests, forced into deeper debt. At the end of his rope, he runs into Dick Grayson, ex-ace of the Gotham Air Force and supposed dead man. The war hero was supposed to have been shot down near the end of the war. Regardless, this pilot is the best chance Jason has to grab hold of that better life, and he's not going to let it go.

The Still and Quiet Surface by anonymous for TheWayneManner [FIC, General Audiences, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Merpeople, Gift Fic, Ficlet

Summary: Dick leaves the sea behind and never looks back.

Scents & Sensibility by anonymous for Nitrojen [FIC, Explicit, No Warnings, JayDick]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Regency, Alpha/Beta/Omega Dynamics, Alternate Universe - Fae, References to Jane Austen, although the writer has a pretty dark secret concerning our dear friend jane, Getting to Know Each Other, Other Additional Tags to Be Added

Summary: Prompt - Something along the lines of the Princess and the Pea. It can be A/B/O, modern, fantasy, or even something that takes place in canon where there's some kind of curse. Have fun with it!

Give It A Shot (of espresso) by anonymous for morimaiter [FIC, Teen, No Warnings, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Coffee Shops & Cafés, Alternate Universe - College/University, Hurt/Comfort, Barista Jason Todd, Flirting, Awkward Flirting, Sexual Tension, JayDick Summer Exchange, very minor injury, art included

Summary: Dick was one of their regulars. And yes, that was his real name. The first time he’d asked Jason to write it on his cup Jason had given him a death glare until the man had whipped out a driver’s license to prove it. ‘Richard John Grayson’, printed right there. It hadn’t been an innuendo after all, just an unfortunate choice of nickname. He came into Gotham Grinders (and hell if Jason hadn’t heard enough innuendos about that name to make up for any lack of innuendo in Dick’s own) every Tuesday and Friday, which happened to always be Jason’s shifts. Every time he asks for some new over-the-top order, and every time without fail he also asks for Jason’s digits. Jason replies every time with:

“I’m sorry sir, we can’t give out personal information to customers. Will that complete your order?”

(Fic + Art)

Lazy Days by anonymous for BehindTheRobinsMask [ART, Teen, No Warnings, Dick Grayson & Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe, Married Life, Married Couple, Established Dick Grayson/Jason Todd, Literal Sleeping Together, Lazy Mornings, Domestic Fluff, Fanart

Summary: It's the weekend! Jason and Dick sleep in after a long night on the streets.

Taken in the Butt by the Gay Vigilante Acro-Bird by anonymous for solomonara [ART, Teen, No Warnings, JayDick]

Additional Tags: Romance Novel, Cover Art, Jason Todd is an Author, Partial Nudity, Birds, Vintage Gay Pulp Novels, Chuck Tingle-Adjacent, Please Forgive me, FanartDigital Art, JayDick Summer Exchange

Summary: The Red Hood has a secret: he's a part-time romance novelist.

This is a work of fiction. Names, characters, business, events and incidents are the products of the author's imagination. Any resemblance to actual persons, living or dead, or actual events is purely coincidental.

Between The Devil And The Deep Blue Sea by anonymous for stribird (timidGoddess) [FIC, Mature, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Heavy Angst, Self-Doubt, Lazarus Pit, Panic Attacks, Established Relationship, Bad Decisions, Romantic Fluff, Amnesia, Broken Promises, Road Trips, On the Run

Summary: Jason couldn’t do that. He could never forget what Dick meant to him. Which is why he had to bring his Bluebird back. Which is why he had to remind Dick of everything that he had lost.

Even if that meant forcing him into the Lazarus Pit. Even if it meant cursing him in the process.

tell your boyfriend, if he says he's got beef, that i'm a vegetarian (and i ain't fucking scared of him) by anonymous for prompt_fills [Mature, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Fluff and Humor, Crack Treated Seriously, Damian Wayne is a Little Shit, Protective Damian Wayne, POV Damian Wayne, Batman: Reborn, Jason Todd has a Heart, Damian Wayne Has a Heart, Dick Grayson is Damian Wayne’s Parent, Dick Grayson is Batman, Mutual Pining, enemies to idiots to lovers, Misunderstandings, Damian Wayne Plays Therapist, Jason Todd is Bad at Feelings, Dick Grayson is Bad at Feelings, My Continued Mocking of Tim Drake (it's loving i swear), Donna Troy is a goddess and no one deserves her, My love for Donna Troy is so strong that I projected it onto Damian and I am not sorry, Unbetaed we die like Jason Todd refuses to, Past Dick Grayson/Slade Wilson, Jealous Jason Todd, Pining Dick Grayson, BAMF Donna Troy AND MORE

Summary: It had taken a few weeks for Damian’s ill-fated hopes for the more platonic explanation of Grayson’s unseemly conduct regarding Todd to expire because Damian (unlike Drake) is not an idiot (and Brown had prattled on about every instance of very clearly not platonically fueled tension, slowly crushing Damian’s remaining hopes for Richard’s taste in romantic partners). Denial, heavenly as he has now known it to be, can only take one so far. And as a pragmatist and the grandson of the great Ra’s al Ghul and son of the great Bruce Wayne, he assesses the situation from a logical perspective, free of any emotions clouding his impeccable judgment, and comes up with a solution that benefits both himself and Grayson.

Jason Todd must die.

Or the story of how Damian Wayne became the number one shipper of JayDick and is not at all happy about it.

Si solo fueras tú by anonymous for fallogory [ART, Gen, Creator Chose No Warnings, Dick Grayson/Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - Royalty, Fanart, Kid Dick Grayson, Adult Dick Grayson, Kid Jason Todd, Adult Jason Todd, King Bruce Wayne, Prince Damian Wayne, Prince Dick Grayson, Poor Jason Todd, Hurt Dick Grayson, Jealous Damian Wayne, Dick Grayson Needs a Hug

Summary: Blue came first

Then Green arrives

Then Blue meet Red

And Green hate that

Or where Dick was Bruce's bastard child who was forced to lived like a prince until Damian's born and meet someone who make his world be upside down.

the smell of cold stone by anonymous for abcission [FIC, Mature, No Warnings Apply, Dick Grayson/ Jason Todd]

Additional Tags: Alternate Universe - College/University, Bisexual Dick Grayson, Autumn, American Football, College Football, Blow Jobs, First Time Blow Jobs, Getting to Know Each Other, Getting Together, referenced Jason/Kyle, Past Dick Grayson/Koriand'r, Past Dick Grayson/Roy Harper, past dick grayson/wally west - Freeform, implied Roy/Kory, implied Roy/Wally, implied Donna/Kyle, future besties Jason and Roy, Roy's eternal crush on Donna, frat boy Dick, Fluff

Summary: Their eyes meet on the quad one day; he’ll probably never see the frat boy again, but he’ll be nice fodder for Jason’s dreams at least.

#2020 jaydick exchange #dcu fanfic #jaydick summertime blues.#jaydick #dickjay #dick grayson & jason todd

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another-mentalhealthblog · 3 years

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Christmas shopping with PTSD

Yup, you heard me.

Let’s just get things straight, crisp and clear before I even begin.

Straight from NAMI, the National Alliance on Mental Illness.

“Traumatic events—such as AN ACCIDENT, assault, military combat or natural disaster—can have lasting effects on a person’s mental health. While many people will have short term responses to life-threatening events, some will develop longer term symptoms that can lead to a diagnosis of Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). PTSD symptoms often co-exist with other conditions such as substance use disorders, depression and anxiety.”

[Let me be clear. I’m not trying to self diagnose here. Because I haven’t been diagnosed with PTSD by my psychiatrist, primary care doctor or therapist (yet). And I feel like that may be because I haven’t met with my psychiatrist since... October?

“I think you’re doing well!” she said, because I was finally on a combination of medications with no day-to-day side affects that were interrupting my daily living. “Let’s meet again in... two months!”

At the time this sounded fine to me. But two months have gone by, and I have gone completely off my rocker.

We were supposed to meet on Wednesday morning at 10:00am, but after the trauma I experienced Tuesday night, and the mere three to four hours of sleep I got... that totally wasn’t happening. So now we’re meeting on Friday afternoon, and I’ll have to give her the low down on my life right now and see what she says.]

ANYWHO!

Yesterday my mom came in my room and “asked” if I wanted to go to Marshal’s to do some Christmas shopping with her. I put “asked” in quotes, or air quotes, because I didn’t really have a choice. She knows I’m down in the dumps right now, and she thought she was doing me a service by getting me up and out of my bed, my room, and maybe my depressing thoughts.

But the thing about depression, at least for me, is that the thoughts don’t just go away because I’m out Christmas shopping. Or in this situation, the thoughts and blurry flashbacks of the traumatic event I had experienced just FOUR days before, are still stuck to my brain like a wad of gum on the bottom of a shoe. Which I think is “normal” considering what I have gone through. But I don’t think my mom fully understands that.

Especially since, on the way to Marshal’s, we literally passed the exact location where my traumatic event occurred.

The thoughts of the night weigh on me like a bowling ball on my chest, or a backpack with two bowling balls in it, that I am carrying around and can only put down when I’m asleep at night.

Meaning... when we’re in line, outside Marshal’s, waiting to get inside (nothing says 2020/COVID more than that), all I can think about is the traumatic event that I experienced. And how I’m jealous of my mom and all of the people that can just live right there, in the present moment. Right now... it feels like I’ll never be able to do that again.

Walking around inside of Marshal’s, I felt like a shy, pre-pubescent child, following her mom around, deathly afraid of what would happen or how her mom would feel if she lost her in the store. I was afraid to look people in the eyes, fearful of... “What if the police officer or someone from four nights ago is here and sees me?”

This also had an impact on what I was going to wear to the store, too. I was afraid to wear my FILA sneakers because I had worn them four nights before when I was arrested and put in the hospital. “What if someone sees my sneakers and my height and my blonde hair and remembers that it was me and says something in front of my mom?”

A “normal” 23 year old should be able to go Christmas shopping with her mom, live in the present moment, and feel uplifting feelings of joy and happiness for the Christmas season and spending quality time with her mom... but that’s not where I am right now at all.

*Clenches jaw*

I feel like I am trapped in my own head and I am the only one who understands how I feel and that I am feeling these heavy things.

I am carrying weight around with me, every minute of every day. And it makes it harder to live.

My mom says my parents have been “nothing but kind to me,” but I also feel like if I misstep and do one thing to even slightly upset them or displease them, I’ll be in even more trouble and set back even further than I already am. So I feel like I’m living every day in pursuit of doing everything I can possibly do to please them... and repressing my own thoughts, feelings and emotions along the way.

I feel like this blog, and kind of my talks with my best friend, boyfriend and therapist are my only safe spaces. And I feel stuck because I feel like I visit the place of pursuit in pleasing my mom and family way more than I visit my safe spaces, where I can release my own inner thoughts and emotions.

I’m pushed and pushing myself to get out of my bed and out of my room so that I’m not alone and stuck in these dark, heavy thoughts. But when I leave my room, my ultimate safe space, I’m forced to play a character who has to put on a happy face, be helpful, not misstep.

Someone who has to act like she’s not suffering internally when doing the tiniest of seasonal tasks like Christmas shopping or watching Rudolph.

My palms are sweaty. My throat is tight.

And I’m already nervous about leaving my room and seeing my mom, because she snapped on me last night when I told her (instead of asking her) that my boyfriend was going to come over for a few hours at 8:30/9:00pm. Because we’re not allowed to hang out in my room anymore. We have to hang out in the family room. And that means “kicking my mom out” of the family room where she was watching her 1000th awful Lifetime Christmas movie (and it’s only December 6th).

She snapped. I got upset. Went silent and emotionless. And that got me in ever more trouble. Told, “You better watch yourself.”

Thinking about that makes my throat even tighter, and my body even colder.

Even though I did a meditation on “happiness,” and my gratitude journal, and personal development reading about the ego or the “big snooze,” it doesn’t make these thoughts and feelings magically go away.

But there were some quotes in my reading that I wanted to take note of, and I guess I’ll end with today.

One, “When taking great leaps forward, life often turns to shit before it turns to Shinola.”

And two, “Growth ain’t for weenies, but it’s nowhere near as painful as living the life you’re living right now if you’re not really going for it. If you want to take control of your life and turn it into something spectacularly you, stop and nothing. Have faith. Trust that your new life is already here and is far better than the old. Hang tight if the Big Snooze pitches a fit. Whatever happens, stay the course, because there’s nothing cooler than watching your entire reality shift into one that is the perfect expression of you.”

I just don’t know what the “perfect expression” of me is. It’s confusing when you’re multi-passionate and multi-talented. And I’m not tooting my own horn. I get lost because I could make a Youtube channel and sing and play piano. Or I could be a photographer. Or a writer. Or something in marketing or communications, which is what my mom wants. Or something in health and fitness, like a personal trainer or a yoga instructor.

I told Matt that if we have a future together and if he opens up his own gym, I would get my yoga certification and teach yoga classes there. And maybe do photography or blogging or something else on the side.

All I know is when I read the words “the perfect expression of you,” asking Matt for his NASM book back and starting to study personal training again is the first thing I thought of. I’m not sure if that’s my answer.

I’m not sure who I am. But here’s to another day of improving myself and figuring it out.

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writingthingsisdifficult · 4 years

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Just need to vent. Feel free to ignore.

For the last four weeks (actually almost five now) I’ve been having pains in my lower back/hip/pelvis and down my right leg, to the point it became hard to do anything (I thought maybe it was something pinching a nerve, or something like that). Sitting is horrible, standing is worse. Walking is okay, but I can’t walk all the time. Naturally I’ve been complaining a bit at work that my leg hurts and shit like that, but that’s not uncommon - we all have things that hurt; we work in a shop after all, and it’s a pretty open space when it comes to personal stuff.

Because of the covid-19 situation, the wait to get to see my doctor was long, and I mentioned it to one of my coworkers. She suggested I’d ask for an emergency appointment (”since you’re in so much pain”), but since I function reasonably I refuse to claim an appointment that someone else might need more, and I told her so. I did have a regular appointment, and I don’t mind waiting, even though it is a pain (heh). She shrugged, and we continued our work, and I thought nothing more of it.

Tuesday was an exceptionally bad day. My leg felt like it was cramping continuously the whole day, and I told my coworker that I was glad I didn’t have to wait much longer now, since the doctor’s appointment was on Thursday, and then she replied that she thought that my “pain” was probably due to my summer holiday coming up and that I was so fed up with work. Was so stunned by this that I couldn’t reply at all, but it really stung.

Now she’s got a bit of a skewered view of other peoples pains and illnesses, I know that, and normally I just ignore her little outbursts, but I just can’t seem to put this behind me. Maybe it’s because the pain has lasted so long this time, or maybe I’m just being over sensitive. I don’t know. But now, every day I am reminded that she doesn’t believe me (I can almost hear the eye roll in her voice), but she still expects me to have sympathy when she complains about her ailments or pains or whatever. I don’t know, I’m probably being stupid.

I wasn’t initially that ready for my holiday, but now the next week can’t pass fast enough. I don’t like feeling sad, but I can’t seem to cheer myself up again.

(Also, my doctor said he didn’t think it was a nerve thing, but more likely a result of me walking “wrong” after the accident three years ago, and referred me to a physical therapist, who’s gonna help me move correctly again. First appointment on Tuesday. I can’t wait! :))

#personal #vent

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fireflyeggs · 4 years

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First off, do not 5150 me. Please and thank you. PM me if you want but I’m okay right now. I’m hoping to take a nap.

This is literally the longest post i’ve ever made oops

I am once again in the lovely position I have been in before. I should be hospitalized but I cannot be due to my choice in education.

I am in nursing school. 3rd year. If I go to a hospital now, I will be (politely) kicked out of school. Even if I’m not kicked out, it will cause my future license to be suspended until I can meet the state board and convince them I’m mentally sound to practice.

I know people will hit me with “your mental health comes first” but honestly fuck off. I have spent tons of money and the most effort I have ever put in to anything on this degree. I’m not tossing it out because my brain is a flaming heap of trash right now.

On that note, this is why I’m considering just yeeting myself out of the world:

-see above situation

-the dean of my school has barred me from entering a class because the class is overfilled. I need it as a prerequisite next year. Best case scenario they let me take it in fall or summer. Worst case scenario I am forced to temporarily drop out and wait 6-12 months to re enter the nursing school and take the stupid class. Note: other people in my cohort had no issue getting in. I’m just getting weirdly fucked over for no reason. Note: this will render me bankrupt as well.

- due to the lovely SARS-CoV2 situation, my mental health is SHIT. It’s TERRIBLE. I stay up every night until like 2-4 AM crying. And of course I like try to reach out for help but my friends are overwhelmed by me and my therapist/psychiatrist are not readily available. And likely if I was honest with them, I would be hospitalized. See above dilemma.

-I have been laid off (like everyone else in the world). I have been offered a job as a nurse aide but it’s full time and I would probably be putting myself in isolation for the next year if I accept that. Note: I live alone.

-I have re-developed all of my bad habits which I worked hard in therapy to overcome. I’m self harming, drinking, drugging, starving, bingeing, smoking, and fucking my way through life just to get by. And mostly quietly because I get so damn shamed if I say anything. My normal healthy coping skill of going out for coffee or a walk has been killed due to rona.

-I am quickly running out of money and I do not qualify for the stimulus.

-I have been getting moderately bullied by random people to the point of considering deleting my social media (I didn’t even take an opinion, people just praying for my downfall lmao)

-I have, and I am not exaggerating, 8-12 hours of homework daily. Our teachers are pushing us to do even more because of state requirements.

-my friends (bless them) are probably sick of my whining and are overwhelmed because I am, in short, extremely mentally ill. I cannot reach out to any extended family without being told “suck it up, there are people dying” (which is true but makes me feel worse)

-I stopped talking to my ex after a year and I’m still like attached and messed up and damaged over the whole situation.

-I’m currently dating a very nice guy but he does not understand my mental illnesses and I can’t really turn to him for solace because of that. He said he would leave me if I don’t chill. So whatever I guess. Not gonna be getting this puss if I die, pal. To be fair I think his ex emotionally manipulated him with mental illness so that’s why he’s got no chill about it.

-my house is absolutely a disgusting mess and I cannot clean due to my copious amounts of homework. That sounds like an excuse but it’s legitimate

-this doesn’t particularly matter to me but I’m the most thicc I have been and pretty much everyone tells me I look bad and I’m unhealthy and gonna die so whatever. Joys of existence.

-I have like chronic health issues that are being ignored because my doctors office is closed and my issues, while SOMEWHAT serious, are not ER worthy in a pandemic.

-generally people misinterpret my actions and blame me for all of the above because I guess I’m just the literal worst person ever. Well I survived this, you’re over dramatic, you’re trying to manipulate me to feel bad (I’m not I’m just expressing my emotions as a bipolar person with no outlets), you can’t say that, you can’t like that because that one person said that 7 years ago as a joke, you can’t exist....

I’m trying to not die for numerous reasons. My family does not deserve it, my friends do not deserve it. It would be bad. Obviously. I haven’t figured out exactly what to do. My tentative plan was to finish up the semester, clean extensively, and get a cat. I’m still kind of planning on that.

The issue is that like in my current state at currently 3:16 AM, I am not very well coordinated. I am sad. I am anxious. I’m itchy (thanks lamotrigine 200). I have nothing to do and no one that I want to bother. I have already time traveled 3 days in AC. I am tired but cannot sleep (seroquel withdrawal courtesy of me, and bipolar I. Medically approved). I just want to be dead. I’m not TRYING to be dead. I just want this to end. And whatever kind of situation lies beyond my current state gets more appealing the more things that happen to me. I swear I’m cursed. Like, legitimately.

I need to emphasize. I am not trying anything. I am not acting on this. I am passively thinking about it every day. I am actively trying to do better against circumstances that seemingly want me to fail in every regard. It’s like I built a whole ass car only to be plowed over by a semi truck. Repeatidly. In every part of my life. And at this point it would be easier to just give in.

I do not know why I exist primarily to suffer. Of course there are moments of joy. It’s just like a majority of my life has been hardship. And I thought it would stop, but it doesn’t. I’m not sure how I’m supposed to cope. Sexual abuse, bullying, manipulation, depression, medications, repeated rape, unhealthy relationship in which I invest all my love, terrible jobs, illness, bipolar I, stupid college academic advising problems, lovers who screw me over, car accident, physical abuse, addictions, a fucking pandemic. And I’ve been told with most of that it’s my fault. And that which wasn’t my fault was somehow bestowed by the universe because I made myself slightly susceptible in some way.

And mark my words, someone will say that others have it worse. Which is true! But it does not diminish my pain. Nothing does. I just hope I can get a cat and/or whatever else before I drunkenly try to OD at 4 AM on a Tuesday. Or whatever.

As I said. I’m not trying. But with my illness? I never know what’s up next. I hope I don’t. I really hope I don’t.

Friendly reminder: I’m fine right now. Leave me be. If it gets worse, you would know, I can’t keep secrets.

Thanks for reading my novel lmao

#long post #extremely long post #tw suicide #im FINE okay #im just a whiny little bitch

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tjp5 · 4 years

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Day 1 January 15, 2020 – Written January 16, 2020

So yesterday was the first official day of this twelve-week program. It was the first day that I would start writing this blog, and the first day that I would start doing a few things on a regular basis that I believe would help get my mental health in line, which I believe is of paramount importance to getting your physical health in line. I will elaborate on those at some point, maybe even today, I am going to be honest and tell y’all, I have no idea where these are going to go when I start writing.

Needless to say there was some excitement, and there was also some trepidation. Yesterday was a little grey for me. I was upset with myself for my horrible dieting options on Tuesday. I am one of those people who continuously says “one last fat meal,” and no matter what, I absolutely regret it the next day. Another thing that made Yesterday a little grey for me was the fact that I was admitting my struggles with mental health to more people than just my therapist and my girlfriend. Some friends knew that I had issues with anxiety, and some friends knew about the struggles I had about eight years ago, but it was the first time I really said “hey, I am a little fucked up in the head.” https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HsvyjePPFRs (shoutout to Adam on this one) It was good for me to admit that to this vast nothingness that is seemingly everything in the world, the internet. I also had a little bit of help, I don’t know if it was coincidence or what, but this video came across on youtube auto play and showed me that even the most successful people in the world deal with these issues. Old Athlete Meets Young Athlete To Discuss Mental Illness | Dean Windass Meets Tyson Fury | The Gap - YouTube – This video is definitely worth the time, and it will help you realize that people are out there living life and crushing goals no matter what that voice in the back of their mind is telling them that they are not capable of. Yesterday was also a little grey because of the fact that I reread what I wrote, I thought it would make me feel good, proud, and a little Tranquilo, (that’s a little shout out to the wrestling nerd in me, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wyTtyg_fylI) but it didn’t. I realize now that taking off and not writing for four years, was a bit of a mistake, but we’re back on the wagon. Hopefully I will look back on these entries and see an improvement, probably not, but maybe.

Anyway, looking back I was excited to finally step into the program, this is something that I have not interacted with since I played baseball in college all those years ago. Back then, I absolutely was disgusted with the idea to hop into a designed program. I was young and thought that whatever I could come up with would be just as good as anything they had. I was wrong. I cam into college weighing around 235, and the coaches weren’t shy about telling me that I was too big. I was cocky, and didn’t care about who was ahead of me on the depth chart or what other players were brought in at my position. My mindset was simple, “I am the best mother fucker here,” to this day I don’t know how wrong I was exactly, but I do know I was not the best player there, I was correct in one sense, I was one of the most out of shape people on that team. Their program, as well as them watching and ridiculing everything I ate, helped me get down to 205 pounds, which is now near the top of my goal weight range. I don’t know if that is significant to me because it’s the last time I felt confident in my body or what, because it definitely wasn’t a time that I was experience a healthy mind. So now, completely opposite of where I was about nine years ago, I am excited about the prospect of getting ‘fit.’

I looked toward the first day of this program as something that would be easy, fuck me, I couldn’t have been more incorrect. In the last month or two I was sporadically going to the gym and just focusing on my cardio, this did nothing for me but give me a little bit of piece from whatever I had going on, so it was good, but it was doing nothing for my physical fitness. The workout started with 500m on the row machine as a warmup, this literally took about 3 minutes, but it kicked my ass. 500m on the row machine kicking my ass should have been a telling sign to where this workout was going, but it was not. I did some lower body, body weight movements, and then headed to the squat rack to find my three rep max (3RM.) My legs were already burning, I got 225 with some relative struggle from fatigue, but being alone, I left it there. I will use 250 as my 3RM from now on. That is something that is tough for me to admit, 250 as a 3RM, I used to be able to squat over 400 pounds, that wasn’t something that was challenging when I was catching over 100 games a year, it was just another thing that I could do. Squats are one of the things that I would like to improve most on, right up there with cardiovascular health. I am sure my relative obesity for the last near decade probably has wrecked a little havoc on my heart health. Speaking of cardio, that’s how the workout ended, with 12 minutes of as many as possible cardio circuit, fam I about died. This workout gave me a headache like I haven’t had since eighth grade basketball. I guess these headaches are kind of common, excretion headaches, and I am probably going to get them for the next week or so, oh boy!

Anyway, this blog isn’t just to update y’all on workouts, its to keep myself in check. Letting myself down is something that I have become familiar with, so I am hoping, that it some way, this makes me think that I am letting everyone else down too. So some things that I am going to detail, is what I ate, and what times (so I fit with my intermittent fasting,) whether I am keeping up with actually doing my hair on workdays, and shaving my face 3-5 times per week so I don’t look like a hungover bum at work. There are probably other things that I will get to doing as well, but I am trying to evolve and will come up with those throughout the next three months.

Workout today: A GD struggle, and it was only 45 minutes

Diet: A few cups of coffee and about a half gallon of water In the morning. 1:35 Two pieced of grilled chicken, Brussel sprouts, and cooked peppers and onions. 4:30: Beef chuck roast, baked potato and broccoli. 8:45: Protein shake and a spoonful of peanut butter (I plan to do better than this, but yesterday was a bit sporadic)

Sleep: 6 hours ( trying to get 6-8 daily)

Therapy: Check

Yes I did my hurr, nope I didn’t shave my stubble.

My apologies for these first two being so long, but I am having a good deal of reflection as I try to start this new path.

Cheers!

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mikauzoran · 5 years

Text

Adrienette Drabble Fourteen: Sleep

“Nathalie, I need you to give me back my Miraculous,” Gabriel declared resolutely at breakfast Tuesday morning.

Plagg arched an eyebrow suspiciously.

Nathalie paused with her coffee cup halfway to her mouth and sighed. “Gabriel, if it’s really bothering you not being able to sense other people’s emotions that much, maybe you should see someone for your anxiety.”

Gabriel openly scoffed. “Therapy is for weak-willed people looking for someone to whine to. Therapy is for people looking for excuses, people who lack the willpower to solve their own problems. Do I look like someone who would talk to a therapist?”

“No, Gabriel,” Nathalie muttered wearily. “Of course not.”

“Of course not,” he harrumphed. “Why would I pay good money to divulge my private affairs to some charlatan gossip? What a ludicrous idea, Nathalie.”

“Of course, Gabriel,” Nathalie mollified, making a mental note to get him a book on dealing with anxiety and slip it in with the guidebooks he was reading on parenting. She’d say it was for helping Adrien.

“Besides, I’m fine,” Gabriel argued. “While it is slightly unsettling not to feel everyone’s emotions like I used to, it’s actually kind of nice not to have that leakage, to only have to deal with what I am personally feeling. I’m getting fewer headaches, and I’m actually sleeping nights, so…”

“That’s good, Gabriel. I’m glad you’re handling this transition so well,” Nathalie praised. “But…then, why do you want your Miraculous back?”

“For Adrien,” Gabriel explained. “I was thinking that if there were to be an akuma attack, Chat Noir would have to get out of bed to fight, wouldn’t he? I just hate to see him so lifeless like this, Nathalie. There has to be something we can do.”

Nathalie pursed her lips. “While your idea is sound in principle, Chat Noir is in no shape to be out fighting akuma. He’s dehydrated from crying three days straight and weak from hardly eating just as long. If he goes out there, he’ll only get hurt.”

Gabriel slumped back into the loveseat, his rigid posture collapsing.

“It was a good idea, Gabe,” Plagg comforted as he stuffed a piece of Brie, rind and all, into his mouth.

Nathalie set down her coffee cup with a sigh. “I’m going to go see if he’ll get up for school today.”

“He was out cold when I left about twenty minutes ago,” Plagg informed.

“Let me go,” Gabriel volunteered. “He has to get up. He’s spent long enough wallowing.”

“Be nice, Gabriel,” Nathalie pleaded. “He’s still feeling raw.”

“I’ve been nice the past two and a half weeks. Now it’s time to be reasonable but firm,” Gabriel stated with determination. “He’s getting up, taking a shower, and eating a real meal. I might not make him go to school today, but I’m going to make him get out of bed and take care of himself. I’m at least making him move to the couch. We can’t let him carry on like this indefinitely. This is not healthy.”

Nathalie began to massage the bridge of her nose. “Please at least be gentle.”

“He’s not made of glass,” Gabriel insisted.

“He might as well be,” Plagg muttered.

“and he’ll start getting better as soon as we stop treating him like he is,” Gabriel concluded, getting to his feet and starting for the door.

Plagg grabbed another chunk of Brie and followed along after him.

Once they were out in the hall, Plagg arched an eyebrow at his companion. “There’s no way that you’re actually this okay,” he hummed. “You’re even better at putting on a ‘This is fine’ face than Adrien.”

“Excuse me?” Gabriel raised an eyebrow back at Plagg as Plagg floated along beside Gabriel.

“You’ve got to be a wreck on the inside,” Plagg concluded. “There’s no way you’re not what with finding out about Adrien…finally letting go of your wife…”

Gabriel looked away. “…I am fine.”

“Uh-huh.” Plagg nodded slowly. “Sure.”

“I am. I’m not someone who lets silly emotions get in the way when there’s a job to be done. I don’t sit around and wallow in my feelings; I take action,” Gabriel explained. “How else do you think I clawed my way up out of poverty to become the success I am now? Sometimes you just have to keep your eye on the goal and do whatever it takes to get there.”

Plagg hummed thoughtfully. “I can see how this ‘all or nothing’ thinking got us to where we are currently…. It’s okay not to be okay, you know.”

“That’s what Nathalie says,” Gabriel sighed. “She’s concerned that I’m not letting myself fully grieve for Emilie, but what she doesn’t seem to understand is that I have a son who needs me right now. I don’t have time to be mourning a wife who’s been gone for years. I have the rest of my life to spend missing Emilie. Right now, I need to keep it together for Adrien.”

Plagg nodded. “While I’m biased in favor of doing everything possible to make Adrien feel better, I doubt that it’s healthy to keep stuffing something that big down like you are.”

“That’s my problem, not yours,” Gabriel snickered.

“Just see to it that it doesn’t become my problem,” Plagg sighed. “The last thing Adrien needs is his father having an emotional meltdown.”

“I have things under control,” Gabriel insisted as he knocked perfunctorily at Adrien’s door before going in. “Adrien?”

There was no response from the eerily still form in the bed.

“Adrien,” Gabriel called again, going over to gently shake Adrien’s arm. “Time to get up. You need to get ready for school.”

Adrien made a groggy, disoriented sound. His eyes flickered open briefly before sliding shut once more.

“I can’t,” Adrien mumbled, voice like molasses with sleep.

“Adrien,” Gabriel warned, tone firm and authoritative. “I’ve let you do whatever you’ve wanted these past three days. I’ve had Nathalie cancel all of your obligations, and I’ve allowed you to stay home from school,” Gabriel listed patiently.

“Now, there are only two or three weeks left of high school, and I must insist that you attend. You will get out of this bed, you will make yourself presentable, you will eat a decent meal, and you will attend the entirety of the remainder of the school year unless you are actually physically ill,” Gabriel decreed.

“I know you’re struggling right now,” Gabriel attempted to sympathize with Adrien’s situation like the parenting guidebooks had suggested. “I know this is a very hard thing that I am asking you to do, but you’re a young adult now, and adults regularly have to do unpleasant, hard things. Now, I need you to get up, Adrien. I know I am not being kind right now, but am I being reasonable? Is my request reasonable?”

“Yes, Father,” Adrien mumbled, eyes still closed.

“So you’ll get up?” Gabriel brightened, thinking that the parenting guidebooks were working.

“I literally can’t right now,” Adrien moaned.

“Adrien, you know how I feel about the improper use of the word ‘literally’.”

“No, I really can’t. I woke up when Plagg left for breakfast, and I couldn’t get back to sleep, so I took some allergy meds to knock myself out,” Adrien explained in a sleepy slur, vaguely motioning towards the nightstand.

Gabriel looked and found that the pills had fallen to the floor. He picked them up with a sigh, stuffing them into his jacket pocket. “Adrien,” Gabriel chided.

“Sorry to be disappointing,” Adrien murmured. “I don’t think I can stand up straight right now.”

“You’re not disappointing,” Gabriel assured, sad that his son would even think that. “Just…don’t abuse pharmaceuticals like that again. It’s disconcerting.”

Adrien made a grunt of assent. “Sorry,” he whispered softly, drifting off to sleep once more.

“I’ll be back in two hours to wake you again, and, at that time, you will get up and get ready for school,” Gabriel informed, his tone brooking no argument.

Adrien made none.

“…It’s going to be okay,” Gabriel gently whispered, leaning in to press a kiss to his son’s forehead. “We’re going to get through this, Adrien.”

“Dad?” Adrien tried to open his eyes, but he couldn’t manage it.

“Yes, Son?”

“I know how you feel about counseling, but may I please go talk to a therapist?”

Gabriel gave a start. “Wh-What? Why would you ask that?”

“Because when you’re sick, you go to the doctor,” Adrien muttered groggily. “I’m very, very sick, Dad.”

Adrien did manage to open his eyes that time to look up sadly at his father.

That look, coupled with the new English appellation of “Dad” which seemed so much more warm and intimate than the French “Père”, made Gabriel’s heart clench.

“If I don’t get better and get Marinette to forgive me and take me back…”

Adrien swallowed hard, eyes slipping closed once more as he rubbed at the bruises still prominent and purple down his neck.

“…I’m afraid I’m going to end up killing myself, accidentally or otherwise, and I don’t want to go there. I don’t want to feel that desperate. I don’t want to do that to the people that love me. I don’t want to get to that point, so…can you help me?”

“O-Of course,” Gabriel rushed to acquiesce. “Absolutely. Anything. Whatever you think you need.”

“Sorry,” Adrien mumbled. “I’m not trying to scare you. I just…I’m scared at how dark it is inside my own head. I don’t want to get to the point where depression and desperation become suicidal thoughts and actions. I want to get better, not worse.”

“We’ll get you there,” Gabriel promised reaching out to smooth his son’s hair. “We’ll get you better. I’ll talk to Nathalie, and we’ll get you in to see a therapist as soon as possible.”

“Thanks, Dad,” Adrien mumbled with a light smile before promptly drifting off to sleep, unable to fight the effects of the allergy medication in his system any longer.

Gabriel stood there gazing down at the wreckage of his son for a good two or three minutes, contemplating once more how they had gotten to that point.

Plagg settled down on the pillow next to Adrien, despite having his own personal pillow. He snuggled up next to Adrien’s cheek and licked it protectively.

“At least he knows he’s sick,” Plagg sighed. “At least he wants to fight it.”

Gabriel took a deep breath. “I wish Emilie were here. This is terrifying.”

#Adrienette #Miraculous Ladybug #Miraculous Ladybug Fanfiction #Marinette Dupain-Cheng/Adrien Agreste #Adrien Agreste #Gabriel Agreste #Nathalie Sancoeur #Plagg #Mikau's Writings #There's a Daisy

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