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91percentpynch · 3 years

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if the world was ending - kevaaron au pt 6

we‘re slowly getting our happy ending i think? anyways shout out to the guys who sticked around ever since part one and encouraged me to publish the parts!! hope you enjoy this one as well! stay hydrated, eat something, feel hugged (or take a finger heart if you don‘t like physical contact) and know that i love you!! also this one‘s out of aaron‘s pov!!

the song of this part is if the world was ending by julia michaels and jp saxe

check this out for part 1-5

Aaron only planned to get to his dealer that night, just wanted the voices to stop, just wanted the feeling of numbness again

What he didn‘t want was landing in the hospital, but when did anything ever work out the way he wanted?

So when he was on the way to his dealer, tears clouding his vision, he didn‘t see the stop sign. He didn‘t notice the truck. And that was how a truck landed in the passenger side of his car, Aaron losing consciousness and somehow waking up in the ER of Chicago Hospital

„We called your emergency contact, they said they would come as soon as possible honey“, a nurse told him.

What they apparently did not know was that his emergency contact was Nicky, who left him for Germany.

Aaron wasn‘t mad. He got it. Nicky gave up so much for him and Andrew, never getting the love he deserved, he did his best.

Plus Nicky would probably call Andrew his way so he wasn‘t alone until he got the first possible flight to sit by his side for a few days before returning to his picture book perfect family.

Aaron wasn‘t mad. He really wasn‘t. He just missed his cousin. The only constant in his life, the only good part in his family.

Having a twin brother is pretty nice as well - in theory as well. Until said twin brother refuses to talk to you. Until said twin brother chooses his stupid boyfriend over you. Until you realize said twin brother doesn‘t care about you.

But Aaron couldn‘t blame him. He wasn‘t interesting enough for anyone to care about.

Aaron slipped in and out of consciousness

„I can‘t get morphime, I‘m an addict“, he said in one of his moments of consciousness. Not that he would particulary mind getting morphime, he wanted to get high after all, but Kevin‘s stupid little voice wouldn‘t let him go. „Why do you only call me when you‘re high Aaron?“, Kevin‘s face when he came to see him earlier, the day they decided to go to rehab together as friends and it ended up as them falling in love

„That‘s alright honey, we got you“, the nurse replied.

The next time Aaron woke up after that was in a white room, alone in an uncomfortable bed. Alone with his thoughts because Nicky wouldn‘t be here for at least another day. His brother was somewhere with Josten. The only person he really wanted to see refused to talk to him. Which is understandable to be fair.

Taylor, fuck he needed to tell her where he was.

Aaron was just about to look for his phone when someone kicked his door open, hurriedly crossing the room to be close to him.

Slowly Aaron raised his eyes, looking who it was. Kevin fucking Day was in his fucking room.

„You fucking idiot, what have you done?“, Kevin was close to tears, for whatever reason. Obviously not for Aaron, right?

„I don‘t need your fucking pity“, Aaron replied, shutting himself down, it was safer that way.

„Did you tell them you can‘t have morphine? Because you might relapse, i mean you already did but we don‘t want it to get worse. And this is not pity, this is Nicky yelling at me in Spanish cause you‘re in the hospital and he‘s in Germany and I‘m the closest to you and he does not want his son to be alone“, Day ever so unimpressed by Aaron‘s walls replied.

Nicky worrying about Aaron that much made the blonde feel warm inside, important, loved.

Nonetheless Aaron couldn‘t stop thinking about the person that didn‘t care to show up.

„Andrew didn‘t care to come, did he?“, Aaron‘s voice was barely audible as he hid his face in his pillow, in case those traitous tears made their way down his cheeks.

„Andrw does care about you, he‘s just shit at showing it, that fucking asshole“, Kevin replied in a soft voice, Irish accent slightly audible, the voice he used when he‘s about to be emotional or scared or mad or overall feeling strongly. „C‘mon what have you done Minyard?“

Was that worry in his voice? Could it be that he actually cared? No, no that couldn‘t be. Not when refused to talk to him.

„Car accident, not that its any of your fucking business“, Aaron replied, trying his hardest to sound as if he didn‘t care that Kevin was there with him, trying to push Kevin away, to protect his heart from another rejection.

„How are you?“, Kevin said, his Irish accent becoming a little stronger, voice thick with worry. Worry? Why would he worry about Aaron?

„Fucking great, I should let a truck drive into me more often. Very freeing. Very calming“, Aaron answered sarcastically, looking anywhere but Kevin‘s smaragd green eyes, maybe even the green of the lake they used to go in rehab, in the fluroscent light of the hospital.

„A truck. Drove into you?“, the Irish accent was now so strong Aaron could barely make out the words.

Aaron couldn‘t take it anymore, he turned around. Maybe Kevin would take the hint that he wasn‘t able to be close to him, not without being hurt, not without feeling empty. „Not that you would care“, he said, voice barely more than a breath against the pillow.

„Aaron first of all I can see you naked ass and not that I wouldn‘t mind the view and I‘ve seen it often enough but the nurses don‘t have to see that too. And secondly of course I care. I always did. Always will“

Something about Kevin mentioning Aaron‘s naked ass made the blonde boy blush as he turned back towards Kevin. Aaron didn‘t even notice that those strangers undressed him. That made him feel slightly uncomfortable.

„Why wouldn‘t you listen to me if you care so much? You‘re exactly like like Andrew, you guys only ever care when I‘m about to die or do something that doesn‘t sit right with you. Never about me as a person. The conecept about me maybe, but me? Me as a person? No one cares about that“, Aaron replied to the earlier statement, because he wanted to hurt Kevin, wanted the other boy to leave him just like the rest, just like he deserved. Aaron didn‘t need empty promises and lies - God know he had enough of those in his miserable life. Aaron didn‘t need pity or words of comfort or kindness. Aaron didn‘t need Kevin Day. Unless he did.

„You are Aaron Minyard. Born on the 4th of November, 8:31:45 am. You grew up in California in the house next to Nicky. Nicky and you were always close and you didn‘t have many friends because of your mom. Your mom might have abused her and I might hate her for that but you still love her and I get that because on some fucked up level I still care about Riko. You are allergic to cats, peanuts and house dust. You have a freckle right on your right hip, under your navel, from under your left eye over to the nose to the corner of your right eye. You like it when you are hold when you can‘t sleep but you hate showing affection in public. You were 13 when you started exy, because it gave you an escape, but you had to stop because the bruises from your mother‘s beating got to obvious. So you started getting into medicine. You borrowed every single book on medicine you could find and read it at night, always hidden from your mom. You had to have straight As or the beatings would be worse. Your mom did go out to have ice cream with you when it was especially bad. That‘s why you hate ice cream so much, especially vanillia because it was her favourite. Your secret hobby is skating. You feel free when you do it. You want to live at the coast, but not close to Cali, never back to Cali. You want Andrew to notice you and you hate how easily he let Neil in because obviously deserve it more and I get that. You tried drugs to escape, to see what was the appeal. Your uncle never helped you but he brainwashed you into believing he did. You grew up very religous and in an extraordinary homophobic household, you watched your cousin and only friend getting shipped away because he was different, not right, so you confinced yourself you were different. Heterosexual. When in reality you knew since you were 15 that you preferred guys. You liked girls as well. At least you thought but it‘s so much more complicated. Actually it isn‘t. You‘re asexual, you do however like the feeling of sex. You think the process is disgusting, but you still like the feeling. It has to be the right person though. It doesn‘t matter wether it‘s a boy or a girl or something else entierly, all that matters are the feelings the person makes you feel. It took you years to accept that you are not wrong, that you wouldn‘t have to go away like Nicky. You apologized to Nicky. You thought you had to be against their relationships, because that‘s what they made you believe. Old habits die hard. But you got over it and I am very proud of you. You sleep with a teddybear or with another person that cuddles you because the thought of being alone scares the living crap out of you. Your favourite flowers are sunflowers because yellow is a happy color. You hate sweets, you prefer salty snacks. You prefer coffee black, like your sould. You use sarcasm and humor as your coping mechanism. You stole my history books because you love history as well. You also love art but you don‘t think you are good enought to become an artist. You would love to work at Jean‘s studio but you are afraid to ask. You and Jean used to be friends but you cut him off and isolated yourself because your anxities and insecurities took over you again. Sometimes you have depressive episodes, in these you crave drugs more than normally. You want to stop it, you really do but somehow your brain tries to tell you you need it. You would love to have five dogs. An Irish Red Setter, an Irish Wolfhound, a poodle a big one though, a labrador and a golden retriever. You also want to adopt at least two kids. You don‘t want any child to go through what you had to go through or Andrew. So don‘t you dare tell me I never cared for you. Because I do. I listen when you tell me things. I remember every single time you came to me, black out drunk, crying and telling me you‘re worthless. Because every single time I wanted to tell you you aren‘t. You are a wonderful human being and I don‘t understand why I wasn‘t enough for you to stay but I will not let you tell me I never cared about you. Because that‘s some fucking bullshit“

Whatever Aaron expected to happen it certainly wasn‘t that. No one ever payed attention to him. No one ever listened to what he had to say. No one ever showed him that they cared about him. No one ever payed enough attention to him to see that he was worth their attention.

„You really did listen“, Aaron said, quietly, not able to put his feelings into words.

Aaron Minyared was never good with words. Causing pain with them? Yes. Sarcastic comments? Sure. But declearations of love? Or a simple thank you? Or really anything that would fit this situation? No, Aaron couldn‘t do that.

„Why wasn‘t I enough for you?“, the voice with tears, words hidden behind the strong Irish accent, was what made Aaron look up. Looking up into eyes the color of the lake they used to go to in their summer spend in the rehab clinic, tears falling down his beautiful cheeks, uncontrollable and messy.

„You? Not enough?“, Aaron whispered, eyes locked with the taller boy, „I was not enough. I was never enough. Not for my mother. Not for Katelyn. And certainly not for the Queen of Exy. I was never a good enough player, I was never a good enough student, I was never a good enough person. You deserve the best. Someone that loves Exy the way you do, someone as passionate and beautiful and strong as you. Not a burden. Not a no one like me. You deserve the sun, things that are bright and warm and beautiful. Not some broken, poor trailer trash. Not some drug addicted wannabe doctor. Some who can give you the love you need. Not someone struggeling to accept themselves. Not someon who can‘t even look at themselves accepting that they fell heads over heels in love with a man, struggeling to accept that, thinking someone will come and beat the shit out of them because it‘s the only thing you know. I don‘t understand the yearning, I don‘t understand the wanting, I don‘t understand the pain your absence causes me. Because I was never loved. Not properly. I mean sure I know Nicky loves me, but that‘s different. You deserves someone who‘s not too fucked up to be able to show love, not someone so fucked up they don‘t even understand the concept of love. You deserve somoene who can give you things. I can‘t offer you anything. Nothing. Nothing but a heart screaming your name. Nothing but a mind you reign. And I am so fucking sorry I ever left you without saying goodbye. I am so fucking sorry for being a coward. It was never because I stopped loving you. In the contrast. It was because there was not a single day where I thought I was good enough for you. There was not a single day the little voice in my head would shut up about how you are way to fucking good for me. You deserve so much more than I can offer you. So much more“, Aaron‘s voice broke at the last more.

„This was never your choice to make. I am a grown up fucked up man, I can decide who I can and will love very good on my own and I know you never wanted to hear it. But I chose you. I‘ve been falling in love with you ever since I met you. Started with a cute little crush. Ended up here“, Kevin said coming closer and closer to Aaron. „You talk about being so fucked up, well guess what? So am I. I am sick and tired of being seen as the Queen of Exy, of being reduced to Exy and my past alcohol problem. It‘s like I am nothing but the stick in my hand. I am nothing but the sport my mother invented. I am not even a human being anymore. At least that was what I was told. Until I met you. You and your stupid sarcatic remarks. The thougt of you seeing me was enough for me to keep trying to impress you somehow, make you see something worth keeping. But it was never enough. It would never be enough for someone to stay“

„Kevin Day. Born on the 22nd February 1986. Excuse me I don‘t know the exact time but about 7:15 pm. Your favourite color is red, not the Ravens red, the deep dark red of the Trojans because you associate it with Jeremy Knox and he was some kind of fucking sun in the nest. You had something with Jean in the nest. Riko that absolute fucking asshole somehow found out and tried to force you to do terrible things to Jean. But you couldn‘t do it. Not because you are weak like you like to think, no because you are kind and have heart of gold. I can‘t believe I just said that I want to vomit. Eww. Anyways you have massive self-esteem issues because you either think you‘re a walking failure or you have a god complex and there is no fucking in between and I love that about you. You have a constellation of freckles on your back and a little tattoo on your left hip. It‘s a little sun and a little moon on the right. Because you love the sun because it‘s bright and warm and you like that. The moon is far away, it‘s cold and lonely. The sun is your mother. You are the moon. Over your heart you have your mother‘s signature tatooted. Because she watches over you and unlike mine you actually can associate nice things with her. You want to move to Ireland once you retire. Because you want to be closer to your mom. You have your whole ass wedding planned already, because you love planning events like that. It‘s like your fucking secret superpower. You think cows are adorable and you want to pet one so badly. You are scared of chickens and swans and ducks. You are lactose intolerant and you have sport indicated asthma. You don‘t like when other people touch your arms and your back. You like forhead kisses. You like holding hands. You like showing affection, but not in public because you‘re scared what people think of you. You pretend to be arrogant and an asshole but it‘s all just walls around yourself to protect you. Secretly you just want someone to see right through it. Unlike me you do actually paint and you love photography. I know you rented a secret little atelier. Your favourite historical period is the 20th centuriy and you are oddly obsessed with eastern european and Irish history. You love horses. You love cows. You want to do horse riding once. You try so very hard to be more than just Exy. Hyperfixations are your coping mechanism. And spontaniously buying like 10 books. You love reading. You love tea. Your favourite genere is in fact not historical fiction but fantasy fiction based on history. You love rambling about random historical facts and I loved listening to it. You love soft kisses more than the hungry ones. You hate that people want you for your body, not your personality. You hate being sexualized. You hate being an object. You hate your title. But at the same time you love it. You just want to make your mother proud. And your dad. Right now you‘re wearing your mother‘s ring around your neck. Wymack found it somewhere and gave it to you. You haven‘t put it down ever since. You want to paint your nails because you think it looks pretty but you worry too much what people would think about you. You listen to classical music. You play the violin and the piano. You learned it at Palmetto somehow. You learned it because your mother used to play the fiddle, said it made her think of Ireland somehow, and when you were sad she played you some Irish lullabies on it. You love the Irish culture. You love Ireland. And your biggest dream is to get married on one of Ireland‘s cliffs. Because the ocean calms you down. Helps your anxiety. In summer your face is covered in freckles and not only your face. Oddly. You actually love swimming. Or sitting at the water. Looking at it. You collect books. You collect stones. You collect whatever you think is beautiful. You also like collecting shells. You hate to label yourself but you always preferred boys. There are days where you feel more feminie, days where you feel more masculine and days where you feel like neither. Today is a masculine day I see. Jeremy made you braclets when you

told him you were like him. You feel terrible about leaving Jean back but you also know that it was necessary. You are strong and beautiful and I know you canno see that and I know you don‘t want to hear that. You are more than your body. You are so much more. And the only reason I was stupid enough to leave you was because I thought I was not good enough. And an unhealthy amount of internalized homophobia. I just hear my mother‘s voice inside my head when I hold your hand or kiss you and I hate that. The moment I had to sleep without you the voices grew louder and it didn‘t even take a week before I had to find a dealer. I called you when I was high because the voides were silent. I called you when I was high because admitting that I missed you and that I need you was easier than. The two to four hours I slept were filled with you. In my dreams you were with me. You kissed me. You held me in these ridicously strong hands. You were with me and the world was okay. And when I woke up and you weren‘t here I just didn‘t want to get up. My grades got worse because I wasn‘t able to concentrate without you. Yes I am able to funciton without you, it was just nice to have something good in my life once. And yes I will be able to keep it up without you. A B or C here and there won‘t hurt too much. I will probably be able to become the neurologist I want to be. I will get through life. It will just not be the same. It will just be grey and black and white. With you I had colors“

„That was hard for you to say right?“, Kevin asked, tears still silently running down his cheeks.

Aaron nooded, watching as Kevin‘s face came closer and closer until he could feel his breath against his cheeks.

He was about to ask someone as a loud knock was on the door and the door was opened rather aggressivly, making Kevin get away quickly.

#all for the game #the foxhole court #the raven king #the king’s men #jean moreau #jeremy knox #kevin day #aaron minyard #ship: jerejean #jerejean #ship: kevaaron #kevaaron

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xlady-saya · 4 years

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I want this touch to be familiar [Ch. 2]

Relationships: andrew/neil, side aaron/katelyn

Summary: Deep down, Andrew knew he would always reach this crossroads, a time where the thought became too strong to ignore.

Going all the way with Neil. It’s not something he can continue to avoid thinking about. When Andrew looks back to the days where he held Neil’s hands down, when he never got off with him in the same room, he’s forced to acknowledge how much he’s allowed.

Not allowed. Welcomed. Wanted.

But that’s not all there is to it, and the desire to make a decision finally makes itself known.

Tags: first time fic, p*rn with feelings, relationship study, fluff and communication, multichapter

Read on ao3!

Andrew is a planner.

This is one thing he's not afraid to admit about himself; most events in his life have been unplanned, disastrous things which he can only try to wrangle in the moment they make themselves known. However, if he has the time and foresight, he's much more inclined to plot out every move, making sure there are no slip-ups. Minimal error.

Thinking about and minimizing the damage to himself is new, since beforehand he wouldn't bother to care. In this case, his own reactions are things he'll have to deal with in the moment, since his limit here is unknown. He's never done this with anyone.

For now, his sole focus becomes Neil.

Of course, he knows with something like this it's impossible to get it perfect. He's more experienced than Neil, despite the fact he's never been intimate with someone on his own terms; he knows how it works, knows what to expect and all the ways it can go wrong.

He knows it most likely will be uncomfortable the first time, but can he make the good outweigh that?

At the thought, Andrew grumbles to himself, shaking his head over his cup of coffee. It's been a few weeks since that initial conversation, and his head has been a balancing act of sexual tension and precaution. He's planning as if he's made up his mind, though it's the farthest thing from the truth.

But, necessary. He needs to treat this like it's real, or it'll never sink in.

And well, the sexual part of it feels very real. His overactive mind has made sure to spin the fantasy at him almost daily, and he's been powerless against it. The thought of Neil splayed out in front of him is not something he'll ever be adverse to. Lately, Andrew's libido has spiked, doubling from what is normal. If Neil knows the reason, he hasn't chosen to comment on it, and just seems happy to satisfy Andrew in whatever way he can.

A curl of warmth unfurls in his chest, and he slides his gaze over to where Neil sits on the floor, legs kicked up as he runs through his calculus homework. The gym shorts he has on slip a little, revealing odd patterns of discoloration. Andrew can only assume they're burns.

He's real, so painfully real Andrew feels the need to shield him from a threat that's not even there. Neil isn't scared of him, Andrew isn't scared of Neil. For all their hostility, they fit.

They prepare for the worst, gentleness often escapes them, and they've never minded each other's harshness.

Even still...

Silently, he pours Neil a cup of coffee into the god awful fox mug Nicky made him at Color Me Mine, the eyes sagging and crossed, and sets it beside him on the floor.

Neil’s head tilts up just enough to smile sleepily at him, and Andrew's insides twist painfully. Harshly, he pushes Neil's head down, back to his homework, and tries not to let the soft laugh cloud his thoughts anymore.

For all his severity, none of which Andrew is ashamed of, he finds himself itching to give Neil the opposite. And he does, when he thinks about it. Andrew tries his best not to roll his eyes; Neil ends up being right at the most annoying times.

Andrew wouldn't mean to hurt him, it's true. Andrew would never willingly hurt Neil these days, he simply doesn't have the capability. But intention is seldom enough for him. He'll do this right; it's the reason he's set up a plan in the first place.

Yet, plans are hard to keep together. Steps should be easy to follow, checked off.

1. Talk to Bee

2. Talk to Roland

3. Do his own research

Simple, direct; that's what Andrew thought when he put the plan into action. Bee would be able to reveal the things Andrew could not yet see, pick his brain until the maze had a map. Roland would have experience with this, he'd be able to tell Andrew what it's like when it's consensual, the do's and don'ts. From then on, Andrew should've been able to piece the puzzle together and fill in the gaps with cold, hard information. There's only so much he can do to prepare, but he'll cover all his bases.

The plan was supposed to do all that, but hiccups forever plagued Andrew's life. Bee's words were weights, necessary, still sitting with him even now. And Roland, well, that had almost gone well.

At the memory, Andrew glares. The night before, he'd gone to talk with Roland alone, no stress or obligation to keep an eye on his family while he tried to sort this out. He told Neil, wrapped around him in bed, because it's not something he felt ashamed sharing. The reasoning was another story.

And Neil, stupid, understanding Neil, hadn't even questioned it, blindly trusting Andrew to tell him later. It would be agonizing, but Andrew would do it.

Keeping things from Neil nowadays is almost like an allergy, irritating.

It should've been uneventful. At most, he expected Roland to be obnoxious about it, which he was...

"Ohoho, it's about time indeed," the bartender crowed above the loud music of the club, spilled alcohol sticking to Andrew's boot soles. He grit his teeth. Andrew tried his best not to give too much away when he asked Roland to follow him to the backrooms, but Roland's shocked face when he brought it up forced Andrew’s hand.

It wasn't like that, it wouldn't ever be like that again and Roland knew it, was probably worried something had happened with Neil to make Andrew seek out something physical.

So naturally, Andrew told him the gist of his situation, his intentions to go all the way with Neil, and Roland had run away with it in triumph. The bartender's smirk made Andrew want to turn around and walk right out of there immediately. As if sensing Andrew's need to retreat, Roland leaned closer into his personal space, never a fast learner.

Andrew doesn't know what he ever saw in him.

"Shut up and let's go," Andrew growled in the small space between them, and Roland laughed at his expense without care. Andrew had to remind himself Roland was his only direct resource, unless he wanted to ask Nicky, which he would never do.

Whatever, Andrew would not have this conversation in public.

"Alright, alright lover boy," Roland sighed, raising his hands with a wink. Andrew employed Neil's tactic for a moment, counting to ten in German. "I'm just happy for you. C'mon."

Andrew didn't bother to respond to that.

The relief that took root in Andrew's chest was short lived, so short lived he didn't even have to shove it down himself. He pushed off the counter to follow Roland through the throngs of drunk college students, the itch in his head gearing towards the information he was about to be given, when he saw her.

The one and only, Ms. I doodle my last name as Minyard in my notebooks--Katelyn.

Andrew froze; and saw the exact moment she knew she'd been caught. She was midstep, legs locked in an awkward position, but she didn't seem to be aware. It would've been satisfying, seeing Aaron's cheerleader so thrown off if it weren't for the look on her face. Andrew could see the assumptions swimming there before the idiot was probably even aware of them, her eyes, so close in color to Neil's but not the same at all, glancing between him and Roland.

For a brief moment, cruelty sparked in Andrew's veins at being read in such a way; it was foreign, this particular anger. He never cared before what people thought of him, least of all Aaron's perfect girlfriend. Andrew knew people thought he was a monster, it never mattered, because Neil didn't.

Yet, the whole reason he was there at all was to avoid hurting Neil as much as possible, so the suspicion on Katelyn's face made him want to commit murder. He might've, but then the idiot rolled her ankle, preserving the progress he'd made with Aaron over the past year and a half.

He couldn't kill her, he couldn't leave her there either.

Aaron's words echoed in his skull; 'Our feelings are the same.'

So inconvenient, so annoying, but so impossible to avoid.

Andrew remembers glancing back at Roland, knowing they wouldn't be having that talk after all, not right then. He remembers his skin crawling as he hauled Katelyn into his car, her words setting him on edge but reminding him that some people still had the capacity to surprise him.

The word 'love' tossed into the mix of mayhem.

Katelyn had put a lot of unnecessary thoughts in his head, but Andrew came back from that night clear headed, not necessarily about the sex situation, but about how he had been handling it.

Guess she isn't totally useless.

Speaking of...

"Good morning!" Katelyn sing-songs into the living area, and Neil flinches from the abruptness. The old instinct to run is hard to bury, and Andrew watches reality settle in as his muscles go slack again. Andrew misses the peace already, but he's the one who left the door open for Aaron in the first place.

Katelyn waves at Neil sheepishly for having spooked him, hopping along on her better ankle to lean against the small counter. Andrew rolls his eyes internally from how Aaron hovers, always there in case Katelyn decides to do another swan dive to the floor.

There's a pause then, one which isn't usually there. Katelyn's eyes land on Andrew and stay there, which in itself is odd. Up until this point, their understanding has been clear. Normally, Katelyn would ignore him, keep her distance. She still does, staying out of his immediate bubble. Yet, this time she offers him a genuine smile, and Andrew hopes last night hasn't given her any ideas about how things are going to be from now on. "Hi Andrew."

Ah, but looks like it has. Great.

Despite the twitch this realization causes, Andrew only hesitates momentarily before he offers her a nod, and ignores the way his brother blanches. Katelyn, thankfully, doesn't treat it as more than what it is, and carries on with whatever breakfast concoction she has in mind. A cook, she is not, and Andrew has no intention of eating it.

He feels Neil's smug smile in the corner of his eye, and dutifully ignores it in favor of watching his brother move seamlessly around his girlfriend. They touch purposefully, and often, like a dance with added steps just for the sake of staying close.

Aaron's arm slides against Katelyn's lower back, and she bites her lip, a blush rising to the tops of her ears. It's not subtle, but it's also not something anyone would bat an eye at.

Why Andrew can see the difference, he isn't sure, but it's there. There's a clinginess between them, more than usual, a product of Aaron's protectiveness and something else.

Looks like after Matt and Dan had fallen asleep, someone else in that dorm had decided to get handsy.

Andrew stuffs down his disgust at the thought; he seldom agrees with Nicky, but thinking of Aaron having any kind of sex is abhorrent, worse when it's straight.

His brother makes it seem so simple though, doesn't he?

He and his twin spent so many years being on the opposite ends of everything that their recent developments make Andrew even more painfully aware of how they're different. They're learning to share things in common without so much teeth pulling, but Andrew knows this is one area Aaron could not understand.

Andrew isn't jealous or resentful, he's just not like Aaron in that way. He's sure his brother and Katelyn had sex soon after meeting, long before it turned into something he'd risk Andrew's wrath over. He's also sure it's not something that keeps Aaron up at night, or wracks him with guilt afterwards. Watching them interact now, post intimacy, makes that clear enough. Aaron wants her and he's happy to want her, there's nothing else to it. Aaron's own insecurities are a monster, that much he knows, but they're not always in line with Andrew's.

Aaron is not afraid to want, and he trusts himself not to hurt.

This observation, coupled with his conversation with Katelyn, leaves Andrew with little room to avoid the real reason for his plan.

Realistically, Andrew knows he's been setting up roadblocks intentionally. Talk to Bee, setback, another setback, step two, back to step one, and so forth. With this process, there's essentially no way for this to not be dragged out to hell and back.

Annoyingly, he hears Renee's voice in his head, "be patient with yourself," but that's not it at all. The steps are more than just precautionary measures or even speedbumps. No, he can't try to convince himself that he put them there to pace himself, to make sure it's what he really wants.

To want, to want, to want.

That's the thing. He knows what he wants, but part of him thought that with enough time, enough pause, he wouldn't anymore. Then, he could fall back on an old habit, push it away and pretend he doesn't care about the fallout.

He'd been giving his brain ample time to ruin this for him too. To remember that wanting is dangerous, disappointing, not worth the consideration or effort. That maybe, impossibly, if he gave himself room to fortify a new wall, he'd no longer crave Neil's everything. Then, hurting him wouldn't have to be a worry at all, because he simply wouldn't care.

But alas, he's caught himself at the end of his rope, and he should know better. He's known better since Baltimore. Because even now, his head buzzing with conflict, one fact stands out as sturdy as before.

He wants Neil. In every way, every part, all the ugly, spiked edges and harsh temper. Nothing has ever sounded better and he hates it. He hates to feel like this, but he won't try to stop.

Why?

"Andrew, what you feel is normal," Bee's saccharine voice trickles through his head, words from the last two sessions when she helped him piece through all this. Or, maybe he should say she gave him the reins. Bee knows him by now, knows Andrew prefers to do most of the work once pointed in the right direction, even if it's something he hates to admit.

What I feel is normal? Yes, yes, I know Bee.

Pleasure, joy, contentment. The lack of exposure to them all for so long means he doesn't know how to process them, according to Bee. In fact, the feelings become almost intolerable.

"As such, your instinct is to lash out at or banish these feelings. They're uncomfortable, maybe even upsetting for you."

He thinks of so many repeats of 'I hate you' and 'this is nothing.' Thing is, those weren't lies. He needed Neil to be nothing, even when he knew it was impossible. He'd crossed the line into dangerous territory again, and Neil had happily jogged over next to him.

Neil's the only one who's ever followed without question.

He means it though; he hates to want. He wonders if it's because it all feels too good to be true, that if he doesn't tell himself he hates it, he'll have to finally acknowledge how good it feels.

How Neil makes him feel.

He can't accept that, not yet. But he will take a different step forward.

Katelyn prattles on about her schedule for the week, and Andrew can't hold her ramblings against her in this case. Labs and practice will keep her and Aaron apart for most of the week; Andrew used to crave the alone time, now...

With the sounds of pots and pans joining the chorus of Katelyn's chatter, Andrew walks over to Neil with intent clear. Funny, how he expected this revelation to be a lot less anticlimactic. But here they are, on a Sunday morning, the smell of burnt toast wafting through the air.

Neil looks up when Andrew sits beside him, catching whatever must be on Andrew's face and tilting his head. He's not sure how Neil does it, doesn't think to ask. Neil won't stop anyways if Andrew tells him too.

Because...

"What you value is understanding."

Yes, this is something Andrew will not be rid of anytime soon, Neil Josten will not go away. The little thrill which runs through him at the thought is not something he'd ever think he'd feel this much again. It intensifies as the days go, and everyday he loses more of the energy to stop it.

He can feel Bee smiling that damn smile, all the way from here.

Andrew digs his thumb into Neil's already open palm, waiting for his sleepy grin, and gets rid of all the roadblocks.

I want this, he repeats, and holds Neil's gaze. I want you.

He fights back the automatic recoil, and notes how it's gotten easier to do so, to overshadow his need to pull away with his need to pull closer.

"Yes," he says, and for a moment Neil is so still Andrew wonders if Katelyn's laughter ate up the small word. From how Neil's eyes soften a second later, he knows they weren't. "I don't know when, but it's a yes."

Because they've always gotten through things in the past, together.

Neil's breath hitches, and his hand curls tight around Andrew's, the touch conveying more than words can. The world is still such a dark, unforgiving place, but on this Sunday morning their dorm room has a brightness to it. Andrew shrinks away from it, but is powerless to avoid it.

Andrew thinks it might solely come from Neil, but he's wrong.

"Breakfast," Aaron calls to the room with a sigh, all too carefree and happy with Katelyn next to him. Andrew briefly wonders if Aaron ever thought he'd get to that point, and it's something they share. Disbelief.

"Okay," Neil calls back, and it has a dreamy quality to it Andrew wants so badly to stamp out like a cigarette. He doesn't though, he can't. The word carries the smile on the striker's lips, and Neil buries his face in Andrew's sleeve, content to let their food get a little cold.

Without Andrew noticing, his fingers curl just as tight around Neil's too.

One thing Andrew cannot fathom about Neil sometimes is that there's no sense of pressure.

Andrew made up his mind about going all the way that very morning, over a week ago with Neil resting his head in his lap and eventually wriggling a little too purposefully to be cute anymore. Andrew nearly snapped at Aaron and Katelyn to get lost, but then Neil would've won.

Considering how cheeky Neil looked later on, Andrew's cock in his mouth, maybe he did.

And in the afterglow, there had been...peace.

Andrew's not sure what he expected; maybe Neil's impatience, a new layer of tension in their kisses, their touches, something saying go, go, go. The rush to dive in and get things over with before the thoughts tore him in two.

But there's not. There's nothing like that; no urgency in his head or a ticking clock telling him they need to do it before it's too late. Of course, he still thinks about it constantly, how could he not? He's only a man with an (admittedly) hot...boyfriend. A Neil. A very energetic and smart-mouthed Neil.

Closing his eyes, he can picture it, his memory a blessing for once with something from just the other day.

Andrew lets his hands follow the curve of Neil's ass, feeling the smooth skin, patches of it rough from road burn and other scarring. He digs his fingers into the one spot of Neil's lower back, swallowing Neil's gasp. Like a press of a button, Neil's back bends for him.

They're only making out, just kissing, and he's like this. Andrew is okay with just keeping things like this, it feels right.

"Andrew..." Neil moans, featherlight, so unlike his usual brashness. It makes Andrew's pulse spike, and he kisses back greedily, mind swimming. Neil wants him, he makes Neil feel good...

Neil makes him feel good.

"Quiet," Andrew scolds, muffled by the urgent press of Neil's lips. It's begrudgingly amusing, how stupid Neil is. He keeps going back in for another peck, one right after the other, provoking Andrew to just pin him and push his tongue into his mouth.

"Mm," Neil hums teasingly, and Andrew feels the glide of his fingernail along the column of his neck. Andrew can't help it, he gives Neil a grunt for that, the sensitivity overwhelming.

And Neil, so infuriating, smirks.

"You first," his junkie bites back, so predictable. He punctuates the taunt with a nip to Andrew's earlobe. Then it's cloudy, no, hazy, a dream.

Except Neil has proven time and time again he's the furthest thing from a dream; so real, so warm and solid. Andrew lets himself sink into the pleasure, and in these moments he doesn't realize he's falling, that he doesn't mind it.

"Andrew..."

Neil's voice is a fog Andrew has a hard time finding his way out of sometimes, and he leans his head back on the wall by his bed while the heat pools in his gut.

Oh yes, he thinks about this a lot, and he's too fixated on the feelings to put up a fight.

But it's not even just in these moments that he wants Neil, what once was so troubling is now simply reality...

He thinks of the redhead's sleep deprived yawns, long and drawn out enough to show the slope of his jaw. Anxious nibbling on the end of a pencil when he's focused on some stupid equation. Careful hands, patching up Andrew's bloody knuckles after sparring sessions. And not so careful hands, punching the first reporter to say something even remotely negative about Andrew outside the stadium.

Neil is so dangerous, in that Andrew wants all of him.

Yet, there's never an imperativeness to have all of him, to just lock them away for the weekend and see what all the fuss is about. No, he can savor different parts of Neil in innocent ways: the concerned touches, considerate glances, and wide grins...

And in filthy ways.

The slow stretch of his spine when he's doing warm ups, those yoga pants he wears on purpose around campus, the flick of a tongue against Andrew's biceps.

And still, neither of them feel the need to cross the line into new territory yet, not for lack of want, but for lack of good timing.

Point is, since the decision, he and Neil have done plenty of other things without the underlying question of taking it all the way. It leaves Andrew's stomach buzzing for different, non-anxious reasons. The absence of pressure, of force. It's as if now that everything is out in the open, Neil's presence is both a relaxant and a stimulant, and nothing they do together is bogged down by anything other than chasing the pleasure it brings them.

Even with Roland, when they were ready to experiment further, there was no point in waiting. No pacing. Andrew was typically ready to get it out of his system for the sake of his libido, never pushing himself too far but also not patient with himself either. He'd propose the next thing he wanted to try, made sure Roland's hands were out of the way, and acted accordingly. Quickly. Andrew did not savor.

Andrew would take what he needed from the sensations and that was that; his knees on the floor of Eden's, a heavy weight on his tongue. Roland was enthusiastic, reacting well to Andrew's touches as he got more experienced with time.

As for Andrew...

Sometimes he'd like it, sometimes not, and in those cases he'd put a stop to it and he and Roland would revert to whatever was quickest to get off. Efficient, enough for Andrew to feel the spike of control, to bring another man pleasure without putting himself at risk. Exerting power over someone, and having them like it.

It had all been controlled, because Andrew needed it to be. Many of those nights blur together now; he can remember them all, he does, but pulling those times to the forefront of his mind is not something he ever chose to do. It simply didn't affect him in that way, because Roland never got below Andrew's skin.

With Neil however…

Andrew can't help but imprint every gasp and arch into his brain to never be forgotten, to be spun into daydreams so vivid it's hard to keep still. In the mornings the thoughts drip into the front of his mind, Neil pressed close to him. Then when he's watching Neil run in the gym with strong legs, and it's like he feels Neil's legs tightening around him. When he's bored in class, the sounds of Neil's moans drown out the professor as the fantasies in Andrew's head take over.

With Neil it is pure, blinding pleasure. He savors more than he thinks he should, like there's a limited supply and he's going through an army's worth everyday.

Andrew prolongs sex with Neil as much as he can. He's never allowed himself to feel this with anyone. He couldn't. For once it's not just about gaining experience or getting off, it's all that with Neil and exploring all the ways to make him fall apart.

So, Andrew still blows him in the showers after practice and ruts against him in the backseat of the Maserati. And through it all, Neil doesn't wait or expect Andrew to bring up going all the way.

He just enjoys it, enjoys being with Andrew.

"I'm still convinced I dreamed you," he spits out later that night when they're making out on the floor. Making out is putting it innocently, since it's quickly progressing into Andrew grinding his hips into Neil's.

They haven't exactly had enough alone time for this, not for a few weeks, but Andrew tames his desperation for it as best he can. He can't be that vulnerable, and yet his hips are moving on their own accord.

With Kevin visiting Wymack and Nicky off studying, they're alone. They can take their time, and they don't hesitate to take advantage.

Andrew can no longer contain the caged animal.

Neil pauses briefly to look up at Andrew, sliding one of Andrew's hands under his shirt to touch him more. Andrew shivers at the silent request, thumbing at one his nipples while Neil tries to make words.

"D--Do you want me to be a hallucination?" Neil teases, and leans up to bite Andrew's bottom lip. Andrew pinches Neil's chest beneath his fingertips, logging away the breathy moan to recall later.

"No," Andrew snaps quickly, almost against his will, and Neil's grin is so annoyingly brilliant.

They both already knew the answer. He's not sure he could handle that at this point. Neil disappearing, like a ghost with only a compliment as a goodbye.

Not again.

As if to cement this fact, Andrew bucks forward, the friction dizzying. Again, it's been a little too long, and Andrew's movements betray it.

"Fuck Andrew," Neil says, reaching for Andrew's fly. It's already undone, his belt somewhere halfway across the room due to Neil's eager hands. Andrew had told him yes, and yet Neil's hand hovers just over Andrew's groin in a silent question. Andrew growls, leading Neil's hand under the waistband until it brushes the wet head of his cock, and they moan in sync this time.

"Andrew I want...fuck," Neil throws his head back, the frustration clear. Andrew can't help but feel the same; if he could make Neil fall apart in every way he would, but for now his body craves the friction, the desperation of his movements.

This is how he wants to get off, humping Neil into the floor.

"Use your words," Andrew breathes, swiping his thumb over Neil's lips. Neil's pink tongue flicks out, coaxing Andrew's fingers into his mouth and sucking.

Neil's eyes are so full of mischief, his response clear: sure about that?

Andrew gives a slow roll of his hips as Neil pumps him slow, pulling away when he senses Andrew's patience running thin. The striker's legs spread farther apart for him, letting Andrew slot them perfectly together. Neil wants it like this too, he realizes.

A shudder runs through him, overwhelming and definitely something he'd normally lash out against. But this feels too good in the moment to resist, his clothed cock sliding perfectly against Neil's, and the thought comes barreling through as the heat coils tighter and tighter.

It's just like the last time they did this. Andrew starts thrusting faster, the phantom of the real thing while Neil's back slides against the floor. Except this time...

This time what?

He watches Neil meet each thrust just as desperately, a few whimpers escaping and mixing with the few Andrew can't help but let loose. He looks absolutely debauched, with his shorts hanging off one leg and his underwear damp. Andrew takes a snapshot, sealing this Neil away in his head forever. Hungry, insatiable, junkie.

What if this was the real thing? Would Neil arch and writhe even more? Neil always feels too good to be true, even now. He'd be warm, Andrew knows it, his ass hugging Andrew's cock, so bent on making Andrew feel good. He'd probably be more reactive too, loud enough for anyone nearby to hear. The fantasy floods in, and Andrew feels his heart rate pick up as his hips buck faster, the pace erratic and wild.

And that's the difference, isn't it? This time, Andrew doesn't feel strange to think about it, to imagine it. He's free to indulge, but should he, does he want to?

His cock twitches, and that's answer enough. The small ounce of hesitation is something Neil catches, because he throws Andrew a shaky smile as a bead of sweat drips down his forehead.

"You can think about it," Neil chokes out, voice raw and oh, it's doing a lot of things to Andrew which shouldn't be allowed. "I am too. Fuck, I want you to fuck me Andrew, so bad..."

Andrew surges forward, slotting their lips together. It's hardly a kiss, his tongue pinning Neil's down in a promise he can't say.

Me too, I want all of you.

The thought is so shocking, it doesn't make him recoil instantly. Something in him bends, snaps in two, and the only pause he gives is one used to manhandle Neil. He pulls him forward, so Neil is curled up at the perfect angle. Andrew does sometimes appreciate all the cheerleading stretches Neil borrows from Katelyn, he's so much more flexible now.

"Neil," Andrew breathes when he pulls back from Neil's lips, just his name. Neil's eyes widen, and Andrew wonders what kind of look he's wearing again. Can Neil see it all, how much Andrew really wants to rail Neil into the nearest surface?

It doesn't matter, his next movements make it obvious.

Andrew's hips piston forward until Neil is shaking apart, his orgasm pulling out a whine Andrew knows the neighbors can hear. He can't be bothered with it now, the unusual greediness he feels when it comes to Neil is second to his own rising pleasure. So close, so close--

Neil reaches up, boneless, and hums almost deliriously. Fixated, Andrew's eyes never leave the ring of blue in his eyes. Neil's fingers tap on Andrew's neck, right at the pulse. "C'mon, come for me."

Andrew does, it's obscene how fast he does. The words aren't even all the way out of Neil's mouth and Andrew doesn't have time to be upset with his orgasm coursing through him. His eyes close on their own accord, the feeling wiping out his sight for a few blissful seconds as he trembles. He's vaguely aware of Neil's hands on his muscles, feeling them clench with the aftershocks.

Andrew's stomach bottoms out, and he feels the rush all the way down his legs.

Never before, never this intense. Not with anyone but Neil.

He slumps forward, his body about as relaxed as it can be in Neil's arms. The urge to run after these moments isn't really there anymore, the need for separation either delayed or gone completely. It's the result of doing this...many times, and Neil's arms still rest loosely around Andrew, ready to let go the moment he needs it.

They lay like that for a few seconds, their pants echoing in the small space and Andrew licks the salt from Neil's neck. The striker has the nerve to give Andrew more space, welcoming all the marks. He doesn't even realize he'll be wearing sweaters for a few days in the blistering heat, if only to avoid Kevin's wrath.

Andrew pops off, satisfied with the fresh bruise, and savors the low whine he gets for it.

Eventually, he has to move, but less for the need to get cleaned up and more due to an odd feeling tugging at his abdomen. Neil's noises...they're troublesome for Andrew's self-control, and Andrew is sure Neil knows it.

The mess in Andrew's boxers is...a lot, and he grimaces as he shifts a little. He doesn't pull away completely, just to let Neil know he's alright, but he looks down at the striker with something swimming in his chest.

Neil's breathing is ragged, chest still heaving, and Andrew's eyes follow the trail of hickies he left on Neil's collarbone. The odd feeling hits him again, a simmering heat.

Unfinished.

Ah, so that's it. He gets it.

Andrew's eyes darken and he hears the moment Neil figures it out too. The redhead's throat clears, mixed with a moan as he sits up with Andrew. His eyes are still wide, pupils blown and covering icy blue in darkness. They're expectant, excited.

So, so much energy.

Andrew knows his smirk doesn't show on his actual face, but he has to fight real hard against it as he stands up. Neil licks his lips, tracking the movement as Andrew pulls the waistband of his boxers forward. He's a mess; his cock is slick with his own cum, globs of it sticking to the fabric. Without betraying his own emotions, he pulls himself out for Neil to see the state of him. In Andrew's head, the mantra repeats: you do this to me, you make me feel this way.

Neil's eyes get that hazy quality to them, the intense focus usually applied to games, and Andrew quirks a brow. Neil's glances keep flitting between Andrew's face and his dripping cock, not sure where to look, but eager nonetheless. His mouth is already open, ready. The fire in Andrew's gut is no longer simmering, it's back in full force. Not yet satisfied, not done.

His cum is about to start dripping on the floor when he finally takes pity on them both.

"Hey," he says, almost innocently, and Neil freezes. "Clean up your mess."

And oh, Neil certainly does.

Appropriately, Andrew is peckish after this, and Kevin had once again gone through the trouble of throwing away all his candy.

Honestly, Andrew could kill him at this point. Their deal is over, but then he'd have no reason to drag Neil out after 10 p.m. to try desserts Andrew knows he'll hate. His reactions make Andrew's chest feel fuzzy, and as uncomfortable as it is, he knows it's not a bad feeling or a particularly overwhelming one. Therefore, it's best to use for exposure therapy.

He's making Neil taste baklava at some 24-hour dessert bar when he says the words, unprompted and lazy, but it doesn't feel less right. For whatever reason, their moments of mundanity seem to coax the most monumental things out of Andrew, probably because they're the most grounded he ever feels.

Neil's hair is still a mess from their activities, that coupled with his scrunched up nose at the sweetness of the pastry is so routine, so familiar, it softens Andrew's edges. Andrew's fingertips are sticky from the syrup, but there's nothing filthy about watching Neil's lips wrap around them when Andrew feeds him the bite. It's so oddly cliche and cheesy, Andrew can't believe he did it without realizing.

Neil sticks out his tongue in disgust as he chews, pushing the rest of the pastry at Andrew in favor of his boring gummy bears (Andrew made him get something), when Andrew tilts his head to look at him. Really look.

He doesn't know what he's searching for, and he doesn't find it. It's a relief; Neil is the same, and it's such a comfort Andrew has to force it down.

His brain, always the betrayer, whispers: This is it.

It's not said in a romantic, or even joyful way. It's simply stating a fact; he won't have this again, and won't pursue it.

Neil's eyes soften when he catches Andrew staring, but doesn't call it out like he normally would. The striker rests his head on his arm, blue eyes shining under the shitty diner lights. They're back to normal, all ice, all color. His hand slides across the tabletop to brush Andrew's, not quite linking, but a constant. An 'I'm here' just because he feels like it.

The ease in Neil's eyes, brought on by all their exertion and from Andrew's presence, is so unlike the desire from earlier. It's apparent, but not jarring. This side of Neil is still one he knows, one he's come to expect without meaning to. There's something so innocent about it, so genuine, the words overflow.

"Neil," he says, even though he already has Neil's undivided attention. He wonders what kind of face he's making to get that kind of reaction, but then assures himself he doesn't want to know. He can't handle that yet. He clears away the tightness in his throat as best he can without acknowledging that it's there, and lets the realization wash over him. "Next time we're alone."

He's ready to try if Neil is. He knows Neil will understand what he's referring to. It's both a proposition and a promise, and Neil reads it easily.

He blinks, sitting up in that way which reminds Andrew of an actual fox. If Neil had the ears they would perk up, alert. His fingers inch forward, between the spaces Andrew has left for him already.

"You're ready?" Neil asks, voice quiet but resounding in the deserted shop. Andrew shivers, but knows the answer. He's known for a few days, but only now does he feel up to admitting it.

"Yes."

There's not much more he needs--or wants--to say. This is his decision; the mess in his mind is still there. The image of hurting Neil, or old memories surging forward in the heat of the moment. The shock of being so connected to someone, so vulnerable. It's all still there, making his skin crawl.

But then Neil looks at him like this, a mix of lust and some other emotion he won't name (won't assign Katelyn's stupid definition to) and it becomes a factor. Despite all the mess, Neil is someone he can trust and someone who trusts Andrew.

They want this, that's enough.

"Neil," he says when Neil has been quiet too long, that stupid look on his face, and watches him blush a brilliant shade of red.

"I--yes, yes of course I--" Neil stammers, and it's instinct for him to ground himself with Andrew's touch. His hand grips Andrew's tight, as if Andrew needs more convincing when Neil's tone is so excited. The striker's gaze turns firm, determined, and heat simmers in Andrew's chest once more. "I want that..."

No kidding.

"Stop being an idiot," Andrew snaps, but he tightens his hold on Neil's hand anyways. He's not sure who he's talking to.

Judging by the smile Neil is trying to force down, he knows it too.

"You have a thing for idiots," he whispers with a smirk, teeth pressing into his bottom lip, and oh yes, Andrew always knew this man was far too dangerous to keep around.

Too late now.

"Apparently," he sighs, feigning resignation. He leans against the back of the booth, and it's mostly so he can see all of Neil clearly. The disheveled clothes, the unruly hair, the sharpness. In reality, he's far from cursing his future in that moment. He's not sure if he can label the static in his abdomen and his head as excitement, but he has a feeling it's exactly that.

Troublesome, and much too powerful to try and push away.

Satisfied, Neil smiles and leans back too. They don't stay separate for long; as soon as Neil's hand is off his, Andrew feels a strong leg press into his calf. He doesn't even flinch these days.

Neil poises to throw a gummy bear, and Andrew opens his mouth willingly to catch it, falling back into their easy routine of wasting time together. Long drives, stupid questions and stupider answers.

Andrew misses three out of the ten gummy bears, not really trying. It makes Neil laugh harder when he misses.

On the fifteenth throw, realization crosses over Neil's face, and he pauses. The smirk turns deadly, razor sharp. Andrew has never seen Neil so vengeful, and the excitement only grows when Neil speaks. "You know what this means?"

Andrew raises a brow, and Neil inhales, giddy with his own spite. "We can finally kick Kevin out."

And he automatically knows what Neil means. He recalls hours spent holed up in the stadium, making out with Neil and wishing they were cocooned in bed while Kevin sexiled them for time with Thea.

The word leaves Andrew's mouth, as deadly as Neil's expression. "Payback."

#andreil #all for the game #aftg #andrew minyard #neil josten

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bookish-nerd9 · 5 years

Text

Attendance Notice

So guys this is my first ever attempt at fanfic i hope you like it please give me your feed back and recommendations and im sorry it got too long

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Neil doesn’t like driving not because he’s bad in fact he’s a pretty good driver, but he prefers walking and running it cleared his head on his way to classes or just if he wanted to space out for a while.

Right now he was driving like a madman through the streets as he was already having a late start on his day thank to Alison monopolizing his bathroom just because she really liked his shampoo.

He was really cursing the day he went shopping with her and bought it with her because ever since he can’t really get her to shower in her room anymore, and always trying to look for backup from Matt his roommate was always fruitless.

Seeing that he was really late by the time he hopped in the shower he decided to take the car so he won’t miss any more classes considering his attendance was already hanging by a thread.

Once there was no traffic ahead he was racing through the streets, that’s when Alison decided to text him their next shopping spree schedule.

Neil loved Alison he really did but right now she was really getting on his nerves sending text after text without getting the hint that he was ignoring her but that didn’t make her stop because she’s nothing if not persistent, seeing that his phone was starting to freeze from the assault of her texts he decided to text her a quick “driving, talk to you later”

Just as he picked up his phone and lowered his eyes for a second to type he bumped into something, the sound of impact made him drop his phone and immediately bring his feet on the breaks.

He stayed in the car for a minute his heart raving in his chest and his knuckles turning white from the gripping wheel too hard and kept repeating to himself please be something not someone over and over until he found people gathering around something few feet from his car and one of the started shouting at Neil.

Neil broke out of his shaken state, went out of the car towards the cluster of people, he elbowed his way through them trying to make sure that he didn’t hit someone, but as his luck goes he found himself standing over a boy his age with pale blonde hair clutching his ribs and staring into the sky with panicked eyes.

When Neil knelt beside him and found that the boy was clearly having trouble breathing his heart started racing again it was painful and the rush in his ear prevented him from hearing what the people around him were saying, he just wanted to comfort the guy he hit and tale him to a hospital he was clearly in soo much pain but trying too much to conceal it.

As Neil reached out his hand towards the guy he practically jumped out of his reach then immediately doubled over in pain, Neil didn’t really understand what happened but the guy stared at him with murder in his eyes and Neil really couldn’t move it was like he was being held in place by that look.

The guy took a deep breath that resulted in him wheezing “ Are you a complete and an utter idiot?! Who the hell gave you keys you fucking moron?!” He asked Nail in the calmest tone ever that it was actually chilling to the bone. Neil’s mind chose that exact moment to short circuit and all he came up with was “what??”

“In case you're too stupid to realize this on your own you crossed a fucking red light and hit me with that excuse of a car of yours”

Neil’s first response was “what’s wrong with my car” but thankfully he didn’t say it out loud,

“Look I’m increasingly sorry I really don’t know what happened i just looked away for just a second to answer a text and i was running really late,......”

“Did i ask for your life story you idiot” they guy cut in before Neil could finish but he was really running out of breath and clutching his side harder Neil realized so he decided to ignore him and went on

“Look let me help you up and get you to a hospital there’s one not far from here you’re obviously in a lot of pain and I’m not leaving you on the street”

“How chivalrous of you” the guy muttered and followed it by some angry words under his breath that Neil was sure he was cursing him but was that Germane he was muttering in!!! Neil forced himself to focus,

“Are you going to let me help you or are we spending the rest of the day in the middle of the road”

Neil retorted impatiently.

The guy gave him a once over then started getting up but immediately fell on his knees with one hand bracing him against the street and the other clutching his ribs, Neil approached him again and when he was close to him the guys head whipped up so fast it must’ve hurt.

Neil put his hands up for the guy to see where they were, he didn’t know what his deal was but he clearly doesn’t like being touched,

“Let me help you up tell me where can i hold you and i wont move my hands from there I promise or you can lean on me if you want whichever makes you comfortable” Neil finished and put his hands in his pockets to show the guy that he really meant what he said.

It seemed like forever but it was just a minute before the guy gestured for Neil to come closer,

“If i put my arm around your shoulders i want you to keep your hands in your pocket, it’s bad enough that we’re going to a hospital”

Neil really didn’t understand that last remark but he nodded and dug his hands deeper in his pockets, he went to the guys other side knelt beside him and waited for him to put his arm around his shoulder.

When he did Neil made sure to keep his distance from the guy without him loosing his grip on his shoulder, Neil looked at him the guy nodded without looking at Neil then they started getting up. It wasn’t easy really the further they stand the more pained the guy look and start digging his hand deeper in Neil shoulder and by the time they were up and walking slowly Neils shoulder began to hurt from the death grip, he wanted to offer holding the guy upright but thought better of it.

When they made it to the car the guy released Neil from his death grip as Neil opened the door for him, he braced himself for a moment before painfully getting in the car and Neil was trying really hard no to reach out and help him he balled his fists in his pockets to prevent his hand from moving.

Once the guy was in the car Neil settled and started the car he turned to his silent, glaring companion and said “seat belt” the look he received was really enough to raise the dead just so they could die again from that look, Neil swallowed hard then started driving.

“I’m Neil by the way”

“Oh hi Neil the idiot who texts and drives and kill people in his wake”

Neil physically flinched from that remark as it brought flashbacks from his life on the run, a life to that very day he was trying to bury he didn’t know if the guy noticed his flinch or not but if he did he stayed silent eyes fixed on the road and breath getting heavier.

Buy the time they made it to the hospital the guy was wheezing really, Neil jumped out of the car to get a wheelchair and someone to help him a nurse came with a wheelchair and when he opened the guy’s door and reached for him he leveled the nurse with a death glare

“ Don’t you fucking dare touch me or i will kill you” he deadpanned,

Neil gave the nurse an apologetic look and crouched down next to the door,

“Look man you gotta help me here...”

“I will lean against you like earlier and you can place your hand on my back, my upper back not lower” the guy cut in

Neil was silent for a moment then nodded, he helped him out of the car and again tried to keep as much distance between the as possible when he started lowering him in the wheelchair

“I’m not sitting in that thing” they guy said

Neil huffed and tried to stay as patient as possible and not let his tongue get the better of him said “what do you want to do?”

“Well walk inside is that so hard to realize”

Neil rarely felt like he was stupid but this guy just knew how to make him look the like stupidest person to ever walk this earth, so Neil looked at the nurse who was deeply offended buy the guys attitude, shrugged and started walking.

Finally the made it to the ER and the nurse started to fill the guy’s information who Neil now realized his name is Andrew Minyard until the doctor came to check up on him. The nurse finished quickly told them it won’t be long for the doctor to come and left them.

They stayed silent for a while Neil really didn’t know how long he was busy staring at the guy... Andrew to notice how much time had passed.

Andrew was shorter than Neil not that Neil was long himself but still Andrew was a few inches shorter than him and he had that look like he couldn’t care less where he was or what he was doing but Neil couldn’t help notice his eye frantically moving around the ER room in a way Neil knew to well from studying all the exits in any new place he was in, also the way Andrew’s shoulders tightened a little whenever a nurse or a doctor passed near them.

“You’re staring” Andrew declared

Neil hadn’t realized he was staring, he felt a blush creeping up his cheeks and thanked god that Andrew wasn’t looking at him, “Im really sorry for hitting you I didn’t do it on purpose I promise i was late like a told you and i had to check my phone, please accept my apology”

“I don’t like that word don’t use it with me again”

“What word??” Neil asked confused

“That word please,” Andrew said it like a snarl “I don’t like it don’t use it with me again”

Neil was going to ask him why but a doctor finally came for them with a smile in his face that didn’t reach his tired eyes “So you got hit by a car” the doctor said while holding Andrews information chart.

Andrew didn’t utter a single word he stayed starring at the doctor his body rigid in a full fight or flight mode that Neil was painfully familiar with, so when he realized that Andrew wasn’t going to talk he said “Yes, i hit him with my car I wasn’t paying attention so i crossed a red light, i think he might have a broken rib”

“Well I’ll be the judge of that” the doctor said setting Andrew’s chart aside,

“You can wait for him outside while we finish up here” the doctor informed Neil, he started walking but a look back at Andrew made him stop in his tracks, he was clutching the bed sheet with his free hand soo hard Neil was sure the fabric was going to tear and his body became even rigid if that was possible,

“Is it okay if i stayed?” Neil asked

“Well yes but it would be better if you waited outside”

“Thank you but i will stay here with Andrew to keep him company he doesn’t really like hospitals”

At that Andrew slid his gaze towards Neil quickly then continued staring at the wall but Neil didn’t miss the curt nod Andrew gave him.

As the doctor started to help Andrew out of his jacket he stopped him and gestured for Neil to come help him instead, Neil was really baffled by that request but he went silently over to Andrew and helped him out of his black leather jacket and when Neil turned away from Andrew to fold his jacket and place it on the bed beside him only did he notice Andrew’s arms, they were peppered with angry whit scars from his wrist to his elbows Neil averted his eyes quickly so he won’t make Andrew feel even more uncomfortable but the image of his scarred arms stayed with him and his mind wondered to similarly scared chest and back not to mention the ugly burned tissue visible to everyone on his face.

Thankfully the doctor seemed oblivious to Andrew’s arms and was focused on lifting his shirt to examine his ribs, once the doctor started touching Andrew he immediately screwed his eyes shit and started gritting his teeth and Neil’s heart broke he didn’t know Andrew he just met him but he felt like he really knew him because obviously both of them were running from something.

Neil tapped Andrew’s clenched fist ever so gently with his hand to get his attention and when Andrew opened his eyes again Neil wanted to scream for the vulnerability he saw in them shook him to the core, so he turned his hand palm up and silently offered it to Andrew without reaching out, Andrew looked at Neil’s hand then back up to Neil once, twice then gingerly placed his hand in Neil’s and Neil couldn’t help a small sigh of relief when he saw some of the tension leave Andrew’s shoulder.

Andrew muttered “Idiot” under his breath but Neil couldn’t help but smile, Neil didn’t know why his heart was fluttering and his stomach was flipping, maybe he was an idiot after all he thought.

Finally the doctor finished declared Andrew had badly bruised ribs but nothing was broken thankfully, wrote him some painkillers and cleared him.

As the doctor left Andrew literally sagged in relief and as he attempted to put his jacket back on Neil once again put his fists in his pockets so he won’t reach out to help Andrew without permission, after some grunts on Andrew’s side and heavy cursing in English and what now Neil knew to be German for sure, “Do you need a hand?” Neil asked quietly

“Fine, yes, whatever” was Andrew’s response

When once again they were settled back in the car Neil turned to Andrew, “At least let me buy you your medication that’s the least i could do”

“And did you think i was gonna buy it my self, you got us into this mess”

Neil really couldn’t help but smile at the remark and Andrew retorted back “Idiot” at that Neil really laughed and Andrew shot him a look that should’ve mortified him but really all it did was make Neil blush.

A few minuets into the ride Andrew stated “I was late this morning and forgot to wear my arm bands, and I don’t really like doctors I have some ...... bad memories with them”

Neil was startled by that declaration because he didn’t ask Andrew why he was so tense, he would never ask him that he was torn between whether to say something back or to stay silent but he decided that if Andrew gave him that piece of personal note he was going to return the favor,

“Trust me that ugly thing on my cheek is not the only one I’ve got there is plenty where that came from under that shirt”

Neil didn’t wait for an answer and he didn’t get one but he knew that Andrew acknowledged what he said and somehow Neil wasn’t ashamed or afraid how Andrew was gonna react when he said these words in fact the words came out as easily as breathing but Neil decided to think about that later and for now focus on the road ahead so they wouldn’t both end up in the hospital again.

The rest of the ride was silent but it was a comfortable silence the only sound was from the radio Neil was playing. It turned out Andrew was staying in the same dorm building as Neil with his twin brother Aaron, their cousin Nicky and his friend Kevin. Neil wondered how he never ran into Andrew before and made a mental note to stop by the second floor every once in a while.

He parked the car, got to Andrew’s side and waited with his fists in his pocket, Andrew gestured for him so he crouched by his side until Andrew’s arm was secure on his shoulders “Arm around my back, my upper back not lower”

Neil nodded silently and did as was told, thankfully the elevator was working so they took it to the second floor, Neil walked Andrew to his dorm room.

They stood facing the door silently before Neil said “Do you want me to knock or......” and Andrew said at the same time “can i kiss you yes or no”

Neil was dumbstruck, he wasn’t even sure he heard him right so he blinked once, twice “what??!!!!”

At that Andrew rolled his eyes so hard Neil was sure they will get stuck at the back of his head but Andre repeated him self “Can i kiss you, yes or no” making sure to enunciate and stop between every word so Neil would understand and Neil really couldn’t talk so he just nodded.

Andrew was getting really frustrating and started shifting his weight on his other feet and said calmly but impatiently “Yes or No Josten i need you to say the fucking word”

“Y..” Neil gulped then tried again “yes you can kiss me yes”

Andrew tilted his head up and Neil lowered his head to meet him half way, Andrew brushed his lips against Nail’s but Neil chased his mouth not nearly having enough. When Neil’s reaction proved to Andrew that it was really a Yes he kissed Neil again longer and harder that time and when they broke apart for air Neil rested his forehead against Andrew’s eyes still closed and a ghost of a smile on his lips “Idiot” Andrew said loudly but Neil only laughed.

When Neil made sure that Andrew was settled in his room and that he was being taken care of he left and went up to his room.

Thankfully the room was empty his roommates probably having dinner out and he had the bathroom all to himself after a quick shower he couldn’t shake the ghost of Andrew’s lips away, the way they softly brushed against him but harder more demanding but still so gentle he found himself smiling stupidly to himself. When he finally decided to stop thinking about Andrew which he didn’t and get some work done as he opened his laptop a new mail popped up with subject “Attendance Notice” he banged his head against his desk in frustration but he didn’t care as much as he should because if he had gotten to class on time he wouldn’t have met a certain feisty, sharp tongued, 5’0” guy.

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fuzzballsheltiepants · 6 years

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Back to the Start, part 3

All for the Game/The Foxhole Court, post canon. More hospitalized adventures. Read Part 1. Part 2. Can also check out on AO3.

Neil missed the satisfaction of snapping his flip phone shut. He was exhausted, and as much as he loved his Foxes family, having to talk to and text everyone all day wasn’t helping. Especially since he couldn’t bring himself to tell them that Andrew still didn’t recognize him. Wymack could obviously tell there was more to the story than Neil was letting on, but he didn’t push. Neil had two weeks before the first game of championships to get this shit sorted out.

He stopped at the nurse’s station to ask if Andrew was allowed to have ice cream, and one of them promised to bring some with dinner. When he reached the room he halted in the doorway; Andrew was walking around the room with the cautious support of Nancy the physical therapist. Neil felt a grin stretch his face, then schooled his expression when Andrew noticed him. Judging by the annoyance in those hazel eyes, he hadn’t corrected it soon enough, but he didn’t care.

When Nancy left, Kevin packed up his laptop and followed her out, grabbing Neil’s arm and dragging him into the hall. “Andrew asked me about how we know each other.”

“What did you say?”

“The same thing the doctor told him before, basically, minus all the horrible medical details. But he, uh, he asked about you.”

Neil felt his heart rate pick up. “What did he ask?”

Kevin rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the floor. “Um, he asked if we were together.”

That didn’t really surprise Neil; he had suspected that Andrew had been interested in Kevin at some point. “You and him?”

“No, me and you.”

Neil laughed and Kevin flushed. “What did you tell him?”

“What the hell do you think I told him? Of course I said no.” He met Neil’s eyes. “But he was wondering.” Kevin thumped Neil on the shoulder once. “I’ve gotta go if I’m going to make my flight. Talk soon?” Neil nodded and Kevin was gone. He wanted to talk to Andrew, to see what he was remembering, but he was already asleep.

Neil was working on the assignment his professor had emailed him when he heard a soft knock on the door and looked up to see a middle-aged man he recognized as one of Andrew’s coaches peering into the room. Andrew hadn’t budged, so Neil got up and shooed the man back into the hallway, mostly closing the door behind them.

The coach was looking at him in consternation. “Aren’t you Neil Josten?”

“Yes.” Shit.

“What are you doing here?”

“I came up to help Andrew.”

“Yes, but why?”

Neil looked at him levelly. “He has a traumatic brain injury.”

“I know, but why are you here?”

“Because he’s in the ICU, I can’t exactly help him from South Carolina.”

The man gave up. “Well, I’d like to see him.”

“He’s sleeping, as I know you just saw.” The coach crossed his arms and glared at him. Neil didn’t budge. “You want me to wake him up when he’s recovering from a serious head injury?”

“What are you, his guard dog?”

Neil put on his father’s smile. “Something like that, yes. I’ll be happy to take your number and let you know when he’s up for visitors.”

“Aren’t you a visitor?” But the coach pulled out a small pad and jotted his number down.

“No. I’m his guard dog, like you said.” Neil took the piece of paper and stuffed it in his pocket.

The coach shook his head. “I guess they weren’t lying about your attitude problem.”

“No, they weren’t. I’ll be in touch.”

Andrew was awake when he went back in the room, and Neil wondered how much he had heard.

“Who was that?”

Neil pulled the paper out of his pocket and squinted at the scrawl. “Coach…Estrogen? That can’t be right. Estrejena. Wow.” He looked up at Andrew. “I may have just ruined any chance of being signed by your team next year.”

“Was that something you wanted?” Andrew sounded bored, which was so familiar it was almost a relief.

“I wouldn’t have minded.” Understatement of the year, but Andrew didn’t need to know that. “He wanted to talk to you. Do you want me to call him back up?”

“No. I don’t know who he is.”

“You don’t know who I am either. Do you want me to leave?” Say no.

Andrew looked at him impassively. “No. Apparently I need a guard dog.”

Neil’s answering grin was his own.

*****

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

He was in a hospital bed, he couldn’t walk without assistance, he kept falling asleep with no warning, his right eye was twitching, he couldn’t remember more than flashes of his entire college education, and he was peeing into a bag strapped to his leg. He could not also be falling for a pretty boy with a smart mouth and the aggression of an eight-pound terrier.

Even if said pretty boy kept looking at him like that. Especially since he kept looking at him like that.

Anger surged, and with it a spike in the pain in his head. He turned away, facing the wall. How dare this strange man sit there with affection on his face? And stand up to the medical staff and that coach and fight on Andrew’s behalf, like he actually gave a shit? He didn’t need that, he didn’t need him. He couldn’t need him. Because last time…

Fuck.

A nurse interrupted, bearing a tray of food, everything soft and lukewarm and easy to chew. There was even a paper cup of ice cream. Andrew picked at the meal with his fingers, avoiding Neil’s gaze. The nurse looked at him in consternation. “Do you want help with your silverware?” she asked.

“No.” He looked straight at her as he picked up some of the macaroni in his fingers. She looked to Neil, so Andrew did too, out of the corner of his eye. Neil stared back at her expressionlessly, daring her to comment again. With an eye roll Andrew could just about hear she checked a couple of his monitoring devices and left. He did at least use a spoon for the ice cream.

The rest of the evening was filled with doctors and nurses and then he was wheeled away for another scan of his head. He didn’t remember the previous ones, but the noise from the machine was so loud he was pretty sure his skull was splitting along the fracture. For once he was happy for the morphine dose he received afterwards. Neil was reading on his phone and Andrew watched him through his lashes until he couldn’t keep his eyes open anymore.

Fuck.

*****

Once Andrew was well and truly asleep, Neil left to find food. At some point he was going to need to head to Andrew’s apartment to shower and change, because he was getting pretty rank and he hadn’t brought clothes or toiletries or really much of anything. He’d rather talk to Andrew about that first though, even if he didn’t know he had an apartment.

On his way back from downing what might have been the most disgusting hamburger he’d ever eaten - and that was saying something - he found Dr. Kupra just leaving Andrew’s room. “Oh, Mr. Josten, I was looking for you. Mr. Minyard is sleeping, but I wanted to review his scans.” Neil nodded, and she tapped the tablet in her hand to show him the images.

There was something oddly intimate about seeing Andrew’s bones and brain in various shades of white and gray, even if Neil had no idea what he was looking at. Dr. Kupra was patient, showing him the initial scans, then the follow up one, then this one. Side by side, he could see the differences in the pictures and he felt a small fraction of the tension in his body ease.

“He’s doing well, the physical therapist is pleased with his status, and all indications are that he will continue to improve. But it’s going to be a while before he can be discharged. You may want to go home, get some real sleep. You need to take care of you, so you can keep taking care of him.”

There must be a manual of meaningless advice medical-types had to memorize before getting their degree. He didn’t think Dr. Kupra would be impressed with how spectacularly bad Neil was at taking care of himself, so he nodded and slunk back into the room. As quietly as he could he gathered his messenger bag. Before he left, he stood watching Andrew, waiting for him to wake up, to tell him to stay. But Andrew slept on.

He didn’t know how to get to Andrew’s apartment on public transportation, so he called for a cab from the hospital lobby. There seemed to be an excessive number of people in the pickup area, so he pulled his hood over his head and slipped unnoticed into the waiting taxi.

The driver gave him a friendly smile in the rearview mirror. “Guess there must be a celebrity in the hospital, eh?” He gestured to the cluster of people and Neil realized that they all had cameras. “I wonder who.”

“No idea,” Neil said with a shrug. “You have a busy night?”

The man accepted the redirection and chattered harmlessly, pulling up in front of the unassuming brownstone and accepting his payment with a wave. Neil let himself into the third-floor apartment with a mixture of sadness and relief. He hated being here without Andrew, when just a couple of days ago they had been lazily entangled on the couch. The shower was a welcome relief, and he sank into the bed that smelled of them both and pulled Andrew’s pillow into his arms.

*****

The room was empty when Andrew woke up. He told himself it was a good thing that Neil wasn’t there. It was too risky to become dependent on anybody, no matter how well-meaning; nobody was strong enough for that. He knew how much baggage he was carrying. The problem was, he didn’t know if Neil knew, and there was no safe way to ask.

Doctor Martin came in and did her thing, asking before each step. Oh, fuck. The man had to know something, or he wouldn’t have ensured that; Andrew wasn’t naive enough to think this was routine.

Maybe that explained the soft expression he kept seeing on that too-pretty face. He knew Neil had never hurt him, though if that was a gift of memory or just obvious he wasn’t sure. Maybe Neil had a thing for lost causes. He wouldn’t be the first who thought Andrew could be “healed,” whatever that meant.

The doctor left, and Andrew found himself craving a cigarette. He wondered if he still smoked. Probably not, if he was a professional athlete. Either way it wasn’t like he could do anything about it in here. The trapped feeling was intensifying; he should’ve asked the doctor how long he was going to be stuck here. Then again, it wasn’t like he could apply for parole, there was nothing he could do when he still got dizzy if he stood up.

A memory surged, in full HD this time; a familiar middle-aged man with flames tattooed on his arms. A woman, maybe his wife, with a first aid kit. A hotel room crowded with people; Nicky and Aaron, and Kevin too, and others whose faces he knew. And Neil…Neil was there but he was hurt, his face and arms were bandaged and his voice wracked with pain. Don’t. The memory faded before he knew what had happened and why, but he could still taste his old grief and guilt and fury. He touched his wrist, half expecting handcuffs, but encountered only the soft cloth of his armbands.

Nicky had been there; he could call Nicky, and find out what - who - had broken Neil so badly. A nurse came in with his breakfast and frowned at the monitor. “Are you uncomfortable?” He shook his head, barely tracking, half of him still in that dingy hotel. “You’re due for some pain meds but I know you’re tapering down.”

“My phone,” he said. “Can I have it?”

“Oh.” She looked surprised by the request. “I don’t think you came in with one, but I’ll check. Is there something you need, someone I can contact?” He shook his head again and she settled the tray in front of him. “Well, I’m sure your young man will be back soon. The night shift told me he went home to get some rest.” She frowned again at his expression. “Are you sure you don’t need any pain meds?”

He shook his head again; he wanted to shout that Neil wasn’t his, that he didn’t even know him. But part of him knew that Neil preferred eating fruit over anything else; that he didn’t dance and rarely drank; that he lit cigarettes but didn’t smoke them. His fingers knew that Neil’s body was covered in scars, the pattern of the ridges and the unnatural smoothness of them.

Curling up, he put his face in his arms and his hands registered the bandage on his head with shock. He tried to breathe in for four, out for four, but the air caught in his throat. Black spots were forming in front of his eyes, then someone touched his arm and he lashed out. There was a crashing sound, and pounding feet and more voices; then hands, too many hands on him pressing him down and he was fighting, not again, not again, not again.

A voice roaring, “What the fuck is going on in here!” had everyone freezing, even Andrew briefly. “Get away from him, Jesus Christ.” Grips loosened and Andrew lashed out, freeing himself, but he still couldn’t draw air.

Neil shoved his way through and dropped to his knees next to the bed, holding out his hand. His face went from vicious to soft, steady, in an instant. “Don’t touch me,” Andrew gasped out.

“I know, Drew, I won’t. But you can touch me.”

Andrew hesitated but he was starting to get dizzy, and he grabbed Neil’s hand, squeezing until he felt the bones creak. The contact allowed him his first full breath. “Three things you hear,” Neil whispered.

#aftg #tfc #all for the game #the foxhole court #neil josten #andrew minyard #andriel #panic attack #amnesia #fanfic #my writing

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the-gay-cousin-666 · 3 years

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It's always sleepover this and rooftop that but is no one going to talk about the fact that Andrew - who is used to people entering his room at night - slept with his back to the door at the cabin?? Probably just because he wanted to watch Neil sleep? And stuffed his hand under Neil's pillow when he could put himself at comfortable distance???

Just me???

#next time someone says you're soulless i might have to fight them #andrew minyard is so in love with neil it physically hurts me #aftg #all for the game #andriel #andrew minyard #neil josten #palmetto state foxes #the foxhole court #the raven king #the kings men

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nathanielwessninski · 6 years

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AU!Football (Aareil!Andreil), Part 1.

I feel quite angry because yesterday I spent hours writing pieces of this, so that suddenly the light goes out in my urbanization and EVERYTHING I wrote is erased. fuckin 'shit. Now, again, I come back to this because it really is an idea that has not left me alone all day yesterday (and today). In itself, it is an AU in which instead of the Foxes being an Exy team, they are now Football, except Neil, who will now be a Vixen.

This will be like a light introduction to the characters.

Here the sport of Football is mixed, so the alignment will be the same as in the canon, except that Neil will be a cheerleader and Seth will be alive and occupy his 'position'.

Kevin will continue to be an obsessive sportsman who plays with an injury to his left hand (because of Riko), but will recover. Seth is less asshole here, because I admit that a certain part of me liked the character and I want to give it a try, but it will still have its sassy bitch side (not really homophobic).

(Seth and Allison are not in relationship romantic here, but they are best friends; Renee and Allison are girlfriends).

(The Moriyama here are not any kind of mafia or anything like that, only a high-ranking business family; and Riko is just a jerk. Do not worry).

Allison and Dan are still wild and loyal to theirs, and with Renee shutting the fucking mouths of all those who still think that a girl can not play a contact sport as well as a guy.

Matt and Nicky are smiling and adorable as always, but protective of their family. Andrew is a little less aggressive than usual with the Foxes (God bless you, Betsy Dobson), but an imbecile with sociopathic instincts as always; is a little closer to them and can engage in small conversations when the Foxes aren't being intrusive (Renee helped a lot to get to this type of 'truce'), and on RARE occasions defended the fools when someone tried to pass with them.

Aaron does change here a little more than the others did, it's something more closed than before in terms of his thoughts and feelings, but he considers the Foxes the true family he never had, although it took a lot to reach this understanding (Nicky , Renee and Betsy fought a lot for this); he is among the first to jump to defend them, although he is usually a asshole with them.

Another radical change is found in the fact that Aaron never sent a letter to Andrew, so they never met or knew of each other's existence until a slightly funny situation occurred at the University; It was something like Nicky strongly confusing Andrew with Aaron, which brought many questions that had no answers until they reunited the twins in the same room (along with a broad search in the family registry and a blood test).

Andrew had just transferred to PSU to continue his career in Criminal Justice, due to certain complications (he savagely beat a professor who tried to hurt Bee) at his previous University; To say that he was stupefied by such a finding would be bullshit, he really expected a strange shit like that of his sanguine 'family', not that he cared more, actually. What he was curious about, with a simple transfer of universities, he had just discovered that he had a twin and a cousin.

At first he stayed away from them as much as he could, he did not care a bit, he just focused on his classes and visiting Bee in his new office (she got a new job at PSU as a psychologist for his athletes).

Until she confused Andrew with Aaron when coach Wymack led his team to meet before her and decide what day it was for each of them to have a session with her. From there she advised Andrew a lot about how well it could make him try to know and approach this part of his family that he did not know, and that they seemed to be alone (besides the Foxes).

It was a complicated and lengthy process that Andrew and Aaron could engage in a long conversation, without monosyllables or sharp and sarcastic answers. From there they were able to reconstruct a bit of family history: Tilda gave both twins up for adoption, only to finally repent a bit and take one of them (Aaron) before finalizing the paperwork, Andrew went to the Foster System (and then to Juvie for his problematic attitude) and Aaron stayed to live with an abusive mother for years (not that Andrew was better in the foster homes), until he met Nicky and after his mother died of an overdose (and a strong argument between Nicky and Luther Hemmick in which the minor finally cut off all relationship with them), Nicky took Aaron's custody (with the help of another distant relative who did not agree with the method of raising of the Hemmick).

Andrew suffered physical and psychological abuse in the homes to which he was given, but was only sexually abused once by Drake Spear when he was thirteen, one year after he was adopted by that family; but on that occasion Drake was caught in the act by the very Cass Spear, who called the police directly.

Destroyed for having failed a child as wonderful and amazing as Andrew was, she moved some contacts to move Andrew to an adoption and help institute where a distant friend of Richard Spear, Betsy Dobson, worked as a psychologist. (And after two years of understanding, fighting and love, Andrew let Betsy finally adopt him).

So, now both twins and cousin are in the process of approaching with help from Betsy (poor of her, with Andrew antagonizing everyone, Aaron being scathing and Nicky very gaudy).

A few months later, and all three of them maintaining a more civilized relationship, Andrew was slightly coerced by Bee (again) to join the football team (which was a fucking trick because Betsy knows there are VERY few things that Andrew can deny her).

(At times, Aaron admits to himself that he feels somewhat jealous of Bee's close and loving way of being with Andrew; he would have loved to have someone like her nearby).

Andrew's expressionless face and slightly psychopathic behavior constantly intimidates the Foxes a bit (except Renee and Wymack, and sometimes Allison), but over time they get used to it.

Aaron does not even like football, but he was violently harassed by sportobsession!Kevin Day to be part of the team after having seen him wildly tackling a son of a bitch who tried to touch Neil Josten (And Nicky happily joined the team to not be alone).

Aaron have a thing with Neil Josten, everyone knows it (except Andrew, because he don't know about Josten).

The day that Andrew Minyard met Neil Josten was fucking memorable for Allison: it was on a type of team-building weekend organized by Dan and Wymack, that they somehow managed to reunite everyone including the twins and Seth (Bee and Abby were really happy).

Then as the day progressed and the afternoon fell, they decided to make a movie marathon in Abby's living room, but before they needed to recharge supplies, so Wymack asked Renee and Allison to take care of it; somehow the trip was joined by Andrew and Seth.

They arrived at 7/11 and set out to collect different types of snacks for everyone; then in one of the corridors Allison spotted a very familiar auburn hair, let out a small squeak of joy and ran over there, alerting Andrew and Renee that they thought there was some threat, only to see the blonde hugging wildly to a short guy.

After leaving the mysterious boy and letting him breathe, Seth also approached and released a sassy comment: 'look just who is here, if it is other than a whore vixen smartass'.

Before any Fox could say anything else, the unknown boy (for Andrew and Renee) counterattacked: 'what's up, drug addict? Have not you received your daily dose, that I notice you something cranky?’

Surprisingly, Seth only grined sideways and stretched out a hand to stir the hair of the boy under: 'how did you do in the competition, midget?'

The auburn boy reply to Seth: 'of course we won, Gordon; nobody compares to us, so I hope you Foxes do not leave us in bad during the season'.

In that Allison jumps and assures with conviction: 'clearly this is our season, Josten, we have two new members who are monsters in the field when they want; we will destroy the asshole of Riko'.

Josten only gave a small laugh at that and nodded in support; and that sound really caught Andrew's attention, that he looked up from the candy shelf to finally see the one who seemed to be friends with Gordon and Reynolds, being stunned.

'Shit,' was the first thought that went through Andrew's mind, followed by 'fucking gorgeous' and 'problem': in front of him was a boy a few inches taller than him, with auburn hair and impossibly blue eyes, like celestial ones. Beautiful. His left cheek had a slight pink burn of three circles, barely visible, and on his right he had three fine cuts; However, not a single one of those scars left any kind of beauty, not even remotely. Even though Andrew's face remained expressionless, an intense blush was staying on his cheeks as he detailed the impressive boy in front of him; he never had seen someone so painfully attractive like Josten.

Allison noticed it (Renee too, but she did not anything).

The blonde took the Vixen's forearm and pulled him closer to the group saying: 'Oh, right! You do not know Renee or Minyard, personally; You never could meet to meet my Renee and Minyard arrived when you were in the competition. Babe, Monster, he's Neil Josten, sub-captain of the Vixens.'

Renee introduced herself and greeted him kindly, curious about the times when his girlfriend talked to him about this boy, Andrew only blushed a little more when Neil looked directly at him but swerved off with a cutting: 'Cheerleader, really?'

Before Allison spoke, Neil responded quickly and sharp: 'What, I do not look like that? Then you'll have to excuse me, I forgot to put on my uniform skirt for you.'

The right corner of Andrew's mouth trembled (the closest thing to a smile that Renee had seen in him): 'so sassy, Vixen.'

A grin formed on Neil's lips: 'so, Andrew Minyard, I could say it's a pleasure to finally meet Aaron's twin, I've heard a lot of things from you'.

Andrew like: 'I bet were not good at all'.

Another short laugh came from Neil's lips: 'no, they were not, but they're still interesting'.

A thought was shared among the other three present in the scene, something like 'fucking weird flirting' (being kinder in Renee's head).

Andrew may only want to kick himself when he felt so trapped looking at Neil's fluffy lips.

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deadmanzp · 4 years

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aftg asks; questions by triquetrine

these are so interesting so i did all of them.. i want to come back after a year and see if id still answer the same!

op is the post before this or also tagged “misc”

neil josten: favorite/most iconic line?

first one that comes to mind I’m not sure is a favorite or iconic line? but it’s a line i think about a lot and it always hurts to read. it’s when they're at the cabin in TKM.

“He didn’t care how much it hurt so long as he could pull Andrew closer, and he let Andrew take him apart until he couldn’t think anymore.”

that comes at the very end of Chapter 14 and gosh just the paragraph that line comes from and the paragraph before…. the fact neil thinks andrew doesnt care about him the way he cares/feels about andrew is like….. CMON MAN but also i just love the pining angst of it. i like this line especially because the line right before it mentions neil working his “bandaged fingers into Andrew’s hair”. so the “he didnt care how much it hurt” to me always carried a double meaning of 1. the physical pain he felt bc of his injuries but also 2. the pain of unfamiliarity abt his feelings towards andrew and thinking it was unreciprocal AND THAT HED HAVE TO “WARN” ANDREW like the implication.. of neil thinking abt their “relationship” possibly ending bc andrew doesnt feel the same and maybe wouldnt want to be entangled in whatever neil was feeling …… IM LIKE neil knows andrew so well and him being so sure abt this but hes like …. WRONG …. e

nathaniel wesninski: one thing you would change about the books? (plot, characters, etc)

there is very little id change about the books if at all. mainly bc while i know there are upsetting things that happen/the charas do, i think all of those things make the series really interesting to analyze and talk about. i will say a moment i hated was when neil touches andrews scars when andrew makes it clear he doesn't want neil to pry about them. i know neil offers his scars in turn when he's trying to convince andrew to let neil look over kevin but that was controlled. he let andrew touch them and find out about them of his own volition. neil touches something directly related to the trauma andrew had just experienced again when he had 0 permission to do so. while i always get mad at neil for this when i read it i still dont think id change it or get rid of it. im not really sure how id change it anyways and i think andrews relationship with his scars (and himself in general) is probably what allows him to brush it off(?)/never bring this up (plus maybe neil offering his scars was enough for andrew) but i havent thought too hard about this. but ya i remember i got rlly angry w neil the first time i read this scene and i still get mad abt it when i reread.

andrew minyard: if you could be friends with one of the characters, who would you pick?

i mean realistically i wouldnt be friends w jocks ILL BE REAL LOL and i think as much as i love the monsters, theres no way id be friends w them haha uhm but prob dan would be most realistic! maybe even katelyn tbh..

kevin day: if you played exy, what would your position be?

oh i think dealer! in sports i liked being able to do both defense and offense bc it made me feel i had more control over the field, like i could always do something if there were any holes

dan wilds: favorite moment/scene?

definitely the hotel reunion scene. theres so much to it; it drives me nuts!!!!! but honestly there are probably a lot of really good moments im forgetting. to me the whole series is really enjoyable and every scene has something i could say about it haha

matt boyd: song you would love to see in a live-action adaptation?

Oggghh this is so hard… esp since it takes place in 2007???? Idk.. iconic artists then i suppose ghfgkjhf BUT i think general vibes i think itd be so cool if paramore (time relevant), ptv (also time relevant), and mitski were on the soundtrack……. Ya……..

nicky hemmick: which made you more emotional, neil at evermore or neil in baltimore?

neil in baltimore for sure… neil at evermore i can't remember what i felt the first time i read it (maybe pain LOL bc he was doing it for andrew and i felt like riko wouldnt keep his promise) but in my latest reread i was unimpressed by it (mostly bc i think riko is boring and unimpressive). i think i mightve said evermore in the past though….. maybe... neil in baltimore is like … GOD neils emotions are so strong during all of that its really juicy haha. i think like him being angry bc he was on the cusp of having everything he couldve ever dreamed of; the desperation of wanting to fight back and get away; even just the fear of being in the same room as his father for the first time in so long... all really juicy

aaron minyard: a character you will defend to your death?

defend…. im not sure is the word i would use and i dont think i really believe in defending any of these charas “to death” bc of how flawed and complex they are; id like to acknowledge when they did wrong. i think id “defend” any of the characters if i saw anyone misinterpreting or misunderstanding them.. theyre all really interesting even if they didnt get too much spotlight. except maybe riko. hes incredibly boring to me. and also nathan ig and any of his crew just bc there is Nothing abt them rlly...

katelyn: which minor character do you wish you could see more of?

uhhhmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm….. idk maybe… jeremy…. gjfjgkdngmdghs just bc him and kevin r so funny.. i was thinking maybe jean too but…… idk a diff kind of kevin relationship lol (yikes) (pain) but really im satisfied w jeans screen time. i think ichirou is interesting but again i think he didn't rlly need more. maybe erik actually. im interested to know what nicky is like with him :0

allison reynolds: favorite headcanon about the foxes?

actually something i recently thought abt was neil and photography. iirc? andrew gives neil a camera in the ec and i also imagine kevin eventually gets another camera too (i loved that detail when we saw his room at the nest) so i thought abt neil and kevin sharing/trading pics they take of (mainly) scenery. i imagine neil takes pics of anything he wants to remember/keep while kevin is more prone to taking pics of subjects related to some nerd history stuff (lol) so thats why they trade scenery pics mainly. but i like this small connection bc i want more to their relationship than their exy obsession and i imagine they have room for more now that riko is gone and i just like this other commonality btwn them. i think maybe they mail the developed pics to each other maybe w small descripts/notes but thats it. and i also imagine it kind of just is something that started happening.. neil and andrew r on a roadtrip and some building reminds neil of kevin so he snaps a pic and eventually sends it to kevin w some note. kevin replies 1. either a text being like that is nothing. > neil: shrugs brushes it off but figures he is welcome to send more when kevin sends his own picture back or 2. kevin simply replies back similarly w his own photo. i dont know.. maybe this goes beyond what their actual relationship would be like but i do like the idea of them just bein like… dude friends u know so i want them to have more than just exy and a traumatizing experience between them.

as for common headcanons within the fanbase…. i do like the allison + neil haircuts thing.. although im not sure if i imagine it the same as most haha i feel neil would know how to cut his own hair from his life on the run (though theyre not Good or bad just like ok u know like passable generic w/e) i think hed definitely be tense the first couple times but he has experience w allison being close from needing to be covered up w make up after winter break so i think she would be allowed.

renee walker: favorite non-canonical ship? (renison, jerejean, etc)

uhmm to be honest none really… im way too attached to canon to be able to dismiss any established relationships. i think kevemy (??? is that the name) is rlly amusing but i dont want them together necessarily haha i used to rlly like renison mainly bc im a lesbian and i want “main” chara wlw relationships lol but i recently read something abt how bi allison doesnt rlly sit well w some bc she outs andrew and neil during the hotel scene.. i also agree this is kinda :/ if she was bi Mainly bc i feel a lot of ppl (or at least this is what i gather from renison stuff ive seen) portray allison already being established bi? if this makes sense. i think if renison/allison realizing shes bi is a later development id feel better abt it but usually renison is already established so ya her outing them does bother me…. BUT aside from this, thinking about them as characters and what their partners (would) look like… im not sure if theyd rlly choose each other.. but i still enjoy seeing them together in art and in fic bc in the end…. im a sucker for women lol….

seth gordon: most underrated dynamic? (matt & neil, wymack & andrew, etc)

my first thought was wymack and andrew bc i rlllllyy like their dynamic especially after reading their ec stuff. i loved their first meeting (andrews terrible sandwich??!?fhdhfjd) and when andrew breaks into wymacks apartment BUT i think ppl mention them enough its not underrated. i Actually think renee and andrews dynamic/friendship is rlly underrated/overlooked!!! especially after reading the son nefes ec i love their dynamic a lot…

some son nefes moments of them i liked: tw // rape

renee convincing andrew to go with her to see matt after his trip to edens

how many knives do u carry / one more than u IS SO FUNNY and just andrews persistence abt fighting renee is also rlly funny to me

tw // rape : the moment when andrew asks renee if she killed her rapist/abuser that whole convo was good…

their convo in the rain w their tea

i cant remember when this happens or rlly exaclty what was said but renee offers andrew something (some help??) and he says i dont need (w/e it was) and she says something along the lines of i know but it wouldnt do any harm or SOMETHING like that.. i like this bc she acknowledges their abilities while showing shed still like to offer some help. im p sure she does this another time too (w neil???? or someone i cant remember maybe it was andrew again) and i remember liking it too. she has a way w words and talking (also seen in her convincing andrew to see matt)

BUT regardless of ec stuff i think their relationship/dynamic seen in the books is rlly good too. theres def enough to be intrigued by them and i always have been? so i'm reeeaallly happy son nefes exists i loved reading it..

david wymack: which ncaa team would you play for?

oh to be honest i dont rlly remember many of them but of the Three (ravens, foxes, trojans) prob trojans. i remember i even got them in a uquiz once…

abby winfield: which character was the most realistically written?

first that came to mind was aaron actually.. i remember before when i didnt rlly like him or care abt him it was actually bc he was too “boring” to me. i always thought he had the most realistic reactions to things which is what made him boring to me amidst the ridiculousness of, well, everything in aftg lol… i still think he is really realistically written but now i dont think hes boring haha

besty dobson: how many times have you read the series?

fully i think…. only 3 times… i wish this were a higher count but i actually feel guilty everytime i try to reread it.

riko moriyama: coolest exy moment? (kevin’s last-minute point against the ravens, andrew shutting down the goal, etc)

uhhmm uhmm i def think kevin during the final game against the ravens…. hes so cool haha but i KNOW there were a lot of game moments that i thought were really cool so i cant rlly say…. oh also i love neil being defense in that game too rlly juicy wish i could pull up obscure moments bc i know i rlly enjoyed reading the games but terrible memory...

jeremy knox: which do you like reading more, domestic!foxes or chaotic!foxes?

uh i guess chaotic? not rlly sure exactly what that could entail but i do like… their chaos.. when they have fights and squabbles and stuff… this includes the high tension moments. ALTHOUGH i do like the tiny lines in the books when we see the monsters just doing like random basic everyday life stuff like playing video games or whatever. i like…. imagining them... fhdjfjshfjs… as for fic def chaos. i feel domestic is usually too softened…..

jean moreau: favorite friendship?

oh i think this goes back to andrew and renee. but other than them… i do like neil and matts friendship.. though probably not the same as its typically portrayed

#my own #misc

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eucatastrph · 7 years

Text

have a Lot of feelings about andrew’s relationships with the foxes and especially in relation to physical touch and reassurance?? so buckle up for some friendship my dudes

Bee is probably the one who starts it, like she low-key suggests that touch can be good and reassuring and friendly

“I am not friends with them Bee”

but andrew had been thinking about it for himself for a while by that point, mostly because of neil bc an annoying amount of his thoughts appear to be connected to the junkie these days

but the point is that his nothing with neil is something Good and andrew is not used to good things but he thinks that maybe he could be, and maybe he could collect a few more

but their relationship has also gotten to the point where they are even more comfortable around each other and with touching each other (most of the time, they both still have bad days but even they are becoming less Bad)

it took a while for andrew to get used to touching just because thats what they felt like it, not so that it could go further, just casual touching that makes them both feel grounded and safe and doesn’t go anywhere near any boundaries

its things like linking pinkies when they’re lying on opposite sides of the bed, sitting practically on top of each other during mandatory movie nights, andrew shoving his freezing toes onto neil’s legs first thing in the morning, neil having a bad day and picking up andrew’s hand to place it in his hair so that he’ll thread his fingers through it, neil doodling fox paws on andrews hands, forehead kisses before games bc neil insists they’re lucky, and andrew lying with his back exposed while neil traces patterns across it with his fingertips

anyway, the point is that touch is becoming something Good for andrew, something thats grounding and that he chooses

and he thinks that maybe he could choose it some more, with the other foxes, the ones who he trusts

renee is the first one (obvs) bc they are already close, and spar together and have ridiculous meandering conversations about dinosaurs and zombies and last night’s episode of Elementary and if andrew considered himself to be he sort of person who had best friends, maybe she would be his

he decides that if he is going to try casual contact with anyone, it should definitely be her

so next time they spar, when he manages to land a particularly solid blow afterwards he reaches out a hand to haul her up and rather than letting her deal with her own injuries like they usually do, he holds out a hand and takes the antiseptic cream from her and carefully and gently patches her up

renee knows this is a Big Deal for him but she also knows him well enough that she knows acknowledging it is not the best option, so instead she keeps still and lets him silently take care of her, the only thing she does do it slowly, giving him time to pull away if he wants, cover his hand with hers and squeeze just a little, so he knows that the significance was’t lost on her

and andrew feels p good about the whole thing, he successfully cared for his friend and that is some major fucking progress

the next one is nicky (I’m a firm believer that despite nick’s flaws andrew trusts him, bc nicky was the first adult who was willing to give up something to be there for andrew and never demanded anything in return)

also nicky rlly likes hugs and has been trying to get one from andrew for about 5 to 7 years at this point

so when they’re all at the airport to drop nicky off for his flight back to germany for christmas, and nicky is giving hugs to everyone there, (all the monsters are, as much as they loathe to admit is, they miss their idiot when he’s away) and nicky is working his way down the line of them, when he gets to andrew and is ready to give him the smile and wave they’ve gone for for p much the entire time they’ve known each other, andrew says “alright, you get one hug, maximum three seconds, don’t be fucking weird about it” like he’s commenting on the weather and not making all of his cousins dreams come true

nicky gives the best fucking hugs okay? and he knows that this is important so he’s careful but still gives one of those all encompassing hugs and count to to three seconds exactly before letting go and trying to hide the fact that he’s maybe crying just a little but bc holy shit he’s always kinda known that andrew cared about him, but this is undeniable proof and just Holy Shit

nicky cries on the plane and tells erik about it and erik just smiles bc he loves nicky and nicky is happy so he is also happy by extension

aaron is next on the list bc although he’s an annoying shitbag he’s also andrew’s brother and he’s been actually trying to be less of a shitbag lately

it’s the end of their weekly session with Bee and it’s actually gone pretty well, they’re actually working shit out without attempting to tear each other apart for once

they’re having an almost joking argument for once, about who’s older (no one knows the actual answer, but now that they’re,,, not friends but maybe they will be someday so they try to annoy each other in less lethal ways)

“andrew, admit it, we both know I’m older, just accept it”

“in your fucking dreams, shitbrick”

“that is mean and hurtful, and as your older brother I do not have to deal with it”

“awww little brother’s feelings got hurt”

and then andrew reacher over and ruffles aaron’s hair just a little, super casually, as if this is something they do all the time

aaron bats his hand away and continues their petty argument but there’s a teeny tiny smile on his face that was definitely not there before, and a matching even smaller upwards quirk to andrew’s lips

andrew’s quietly proud of himself for all of this, it feels like a shit tonne of progress (neil is also v proud but knows better than to vocalise this ever)

Kevin is hard just bc andrew doesn’t want to give him the satisfaction of admitting that they are actually close enough for that

so all kevin gets is that when he’s drunk and tripping all over himself trying to navigate back to their dorm, rather than letting him face plant the ground or walk straight into lamppost, andrew offers him an arm and half drags keying home

he has plausible deniability and claims that it was just because kevin would be a pain if he hurt himself and was deprived of his beloved exy practices, but they both know that a few years ago he would have let kevin walk into traffic without so much as rising an eyebrow

kevin pretends he doesn’t care at all but we all know he was so fucking happy he almost died alright, this boy needs positive affirmation like oxygen

Matt is unexpected, bc they’re not close, they get along and both despair over how easily neil gets himself into near death experiences but thats about it usually

but one day during a game andrew pulls of the sickest, most rad save maybe ever (don’t ask me to describe it, i don’t sports, but it was v sick and mega rad)

and matt is kinda in awe as he pulls off his helmet and turns to andrew holding out his hand

“minyard, just this once okay, you have got to give me a high-5”

and andrew, much to everyone’s surprise, does

with way more force than is ever necessary in a high five honestly but it still counts

matt’s hand really fucking hurts but he’s got the biggest grin when he turns to neil and gives him a thumbs uo

neil grins and returns the thumbs up

Dan is probably Andrew’s favourite one of the upperclassmen after renee bc he actually respects her even though he never shows it, he likes that she has never backed down from any of them even when they were being particularly Difficult

so to show this he always clacks their sticks together after games with somehow everyone misses, its weird bc he point bank refuses to do it with everyone else, despite it being a Sports Thing

and at the end of her last game with the foxes, he takes off his gloves and takes her hand in a proper handshake and says “good game” in a tone just barely more expressive than his usual apathetic drawl but she gets the message and clasps his hand harder and says “you too”

Allison is the one everyone assumes Andrew gets along with least our of all the foxes tbh, they seem like chalk and cheese

But they’re still foxes and they’re there for each other when shit it really tough

But anyway, it’s the anniversary of Seth dying and Allison is putting on a brave face like a champ but it’s the foxes can see she’s not doing so great and everyone’s trying to cheer her up which is nice but not doing much

They’re gathered for movie night in the girls room and Neil and Andrew are on one side of the couch while Allison takes the other

And when Neil get up to go her more popcorn and everyone else it distracted by the movie Andrew makes eye contact with her and grasp her shoulder and gives her a nod which says “it’s gonna be okay” and Andrew is a lot of things but definitely not a liar so she nods back and they go back to pretending the hate each other for the Brand™

So andrew decides that casual, friendly contact is okay, when he can control it and only on good days but its good, it probably isn’t something he’s ever going to be 100% comfortable with and definitely never with strangers, but the foxes aren’t strangers and they know his boundaries so maybe they’re okay after all

#i think this is rubbish to maybe ooc and Terrible but it was in my head and wouldn't just leave me the fuck alone so here have some garbage #i do have a lot of feeling tho #andrew minyard #Neil josten #renee walker #Nicky hemmick #aaron minyard #kevin day #matt boyd #dan wilds #Allison Reynolds #the foxes #the foxhole court #aftg #all for the game #andreil #tfc

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c-valentino · 7 years

Text

Lighter Next To Your Coffee Mug XV.I

A/N: This chapter is a little heavier on Andrew's side, including the requested insight into his last encounter with Neil in front of the apartment building. Enjoy the ride.

The lyrics are from one of my favorite songs. Ella Walker's voice is simply beautiful! Go check her out ;)

I’ve spent too long lying, And now I’m trying to hurt you. But you’ve seen me bare, You’ve seen me covered up Maybe I’m not scared What you’re thinking of You’ve seen me here And held me miles away, Underneath my skin Is all you’ll see today.

Wildes - Bare

15.1

He was in every sense undeniably, irrevocably and thoroughly fucked. Andrew took a moment to admit the fact to himself, inhaling it with the smoke of yet another cigarette before watching it drift lazily towards the ceiling. He sat on his sofa, head and upper arms resting on the back, legs comfortably spread, thoughts sharp but skipping through all his options. It was way past midnight. Neil left hours ago, had escaped, had run away –from him, again. He could have kept him here, of course, but he had decided to let him run. It had been a gut decision, and so far it seemed the right choice. Neil wasn’t out of his reach and he had things to consider, new information to process and moves to plan.

‘You got it backwards… Kevin knows me… I can’t let him find me.’ Everything about that had screamed truth at him at that moment. The moment he had mentioned Riko Moriyama he had seen the recognition on Neil’s face, the fear, so much like the way the name made Kevin flinch. Not his, then, not Riko’s. He had been wrong. Who are you? Where have you been? How are you involved? What do you want from me? Questions with no answers. So intriguing.

He could ask Kevin. Simple as that. Dig up a past Neil wanted to bury. The man obviously hadn’t dug deep enough, was still trying to throw more dirt on top. You could see it under his fingernails if you looked closely enough. Maybe he would have to ask Kevin. Andrew didn’t particularly want to though. This was his puzzle. Now that he was reasonably sure that Neil was no threat to Kevin he could take his time with the whole matter and take it apart piece by piece.

These were the facts: Neil’s name wasn’t Neil Josten. He was the same young man they had wanted to meet back in Millport; an Exy player who had gotten the attention of none other than Kevin Day with his undeniable ability to spot raw talent from a mile away. Neil was working as a prostitute and had given up his Exy career. Someone was searching for him.

Things that were almost certain at this point: Neil’s obsession with Exy was real, probably to the same degree as Kevin’s. Kevin had known Neil Josten before they had flown out to Millport but hadn’t recognized the young man. Which made it likely that they had met as kids –which meant Evermore, which would explain why Riko Moriyama had left an impression.

So… a raven fledgling that had fled the nest? How likely was that? The Moriyamas guarded their secrets well; he would need insider information to confirm that idea –Kevin, maybe Moreau.

Andrew accepted it as his working theory for the time being. But that only took care of Neil’s past. He could entertain that thought and bring it to the present: Neil had fled the raven’s nest, but had continued to play Exy during school until they had spotted him at Millport High. He ran away again, from Kevin that time, and quit Exy. For whatever reason, he ended up as a prostitute and was pursuing that trade for over a year now in this city. Roland had introduced Neil to him because they had briefly talked about him looking for a suitable partner to confront his issues with. But that was such a huge fucking coincidence that Andrew couldn’t really wrap his mind around it.

And there was another problem, maybe the biggest of all. Somewhere along the way he had developed feelings for Neil. He needed to accept that and add it to his fact list. Reading the file he had gotten from Allison, noticing the discrepancies in Neil’s past, the lack of information, the secrets, his connection to Millport, and his false assumption that Riko had his hands in the whole matter to get back at Kevin had clouded his judgment. He had felt betrayed, had feared being the instrument of his friend’s downfall, the friend whom he promised to protect. It had turned his feelings for Neil into something twisted and ugly, had made him lash out and attack the man. And now, it turned out, at least part of it had been a misunderstanding. Oh, how he hated that word but here it was. A real, fucking undeniable misunderstanding.

Say it, Minyard, he told himself. You’ve made a mistake. You’ve managed to push away the only guy who got remotely close to you in years.

And why? Because he wouldn’t accept the fact that he could find someone to get close to. That maybe he wasn’t too damaged after all. Neil had been willing; there was no denying it. He wasn’t blind. He had wanted to see it as part of an act though, a scheme. But maybe it wasn’t. And truth be told he didn’t fool himself. He didn’t think of it as true love. But it had been something –on both sides. Exy fanboyism or simple physical attraction –or not? What about the whole asexual thing? Maybe another lie…– But there had been something on Neil’s side. Phone calls, texting, an unexpected visit in the middle of the night… Neil had been reaching out to him. It could have been a trap. Could have. Probability: 40:60 –not good enough. He needed to know. Fucking Neil Josten or whatever his name really was and his obnoxious habit of lying. How could he be interested in a pathological liar of all people?

And now he had ruined it. How beautiful it had been though… Revealing Neil’s true colors, his rage, his violent streak, his simmering temper that could conflagrate in seconds… it had been captivating. Very much like Kevin, there was an entirely different man hidden below a layer of choking fear, and Andrew wanted to see everything part of him. Worth it, he decided, pushing Neil had been worth it. To see that, he could not bring himself to regret it. He couldn’t let him go. Maybe he would not be able to repair the damage that had been done between them, but Andrew needed to see Neil again at least one more time.

Outside the window of his living room the sky shifted colors. The city was about to wake. Time to go.

The streets were pleasantly empty this early. The black car took him once more into that godforsaken neighborhood Neil had chosen to live in. He parked the car across the street and leaned back in his seat. This wouldn’t go down easy; there was no way it would. He needed to decide how to play this. He could admit that he had been wrong –at least partially. Apologies were not his thing. Or he could deflect the blame and turn it back on Neil and make him swallow the guilt. That one would be easier, he thought, but it was also the cowardly way out.

While he was still thinking about it Andrew saw a shadow crossing the street, a fast one. He turned his head and realized it was Neil, but it was already too late. The man raised his racquet and smashed in the window between them. The pieces scattered, raining down on him inside the car, on to the street around Neil’s feet.

“Stay away from me! Or the next time, it will be you I break!” Oh, he was furious and it looked good on him. Neil reached into his pocket and threw the money Andrew had given him back into the car. How amusing. Neil might not know it, but it was the fact that it always came down to money that had reminded Andrew that he was dealing with a hooker when he was with Neil. It hadn’t been a gentle reminder; it had been a warning sign. ‘Yours, as long as you pay for it’ and ‘someone else’s every other night’. He had accepted it most of the time. There had been moments when he had pushed against those boundaries, the times when he had asked Neil to stop seeing other clients. His refusal had always been as much relief as a sore spot. He had chosen a hooker because he couldn’t imagine having a normal relationship. He had asked his hooker to step outside of that role because he wanted more anyway. Not the whole thing, he still would have been paying for Neil after all, but something more. And Neil had hated every single moment he had been reminded of their standings. Hilarious.

“Now fuck off!” He turned around, thinking that his little outrage had scared his pursuer enough. Why he would think that was beyond Andrew. Neil hadn’t even touched him, hadn’t even used that racquet –interesting choice of a weapon really– to hurt him, after he had drawn a knife during their last encounter. Disappointing. Truth be told, he had expected a little more from the man. After all, they were past drawing first blood by now. The rules had changed. But still, he liked that wild fury on Neil’s face. Don’t tell me you are holding back for my sake, he scoffed inwardly. Oh, Neil. Don’t make that mistake. Maybe the guy needed a reminder of whom he was playing with.

Andrew got out of his car, left the door open and reached Neil before the man could vanish back inside. All the guy managed was to turn around and face him, racquet raised to defend himself, eyes widening, ready to fight. Better. Dammit, he would regret losing this one. It would cost him. Andrew grabbed the racquet with both hands and shoved Neil back against the wall, knocked the wind out of him and used his chance to kiss him, hard. He knew better than to expect Neil’s lips yielding to his right now. This was a little too close to crossing the line. Forcing himself onto someone in this way wasn’t his thing. It left a sour taste in his mouth that had nothing to do with the man in front of him. It stung. The heat died, the thrill vanished and Andrew swallowed anger –directed at himself most of all. Neil was beyond furious by now, ready to fight back, and he would have gladly obliged him in any other situation but that ill-advised kiss had hit home. What are you doing?

Realization hit hard and Andrew shut his excitement down, closed the door on it and threw the key away. I’m not going to be like them. He shoved Neil again, harder than he had intended to, saw the pain register on that face he liked to watch more closely than any other. He let go and turned around, took three long steps back to his car, got in, started the engine, and stepped onto the gas until the Maserati roared angrily and sped down the alley.

The day after the whole team flew out to Las Vegas for another big event. The timing was less than ideal, but he had no way of getting out of it this time. One night gambling and celebrating at the casino and then they’d catch the next flight back home the following evening. He hated flying. It wasn’t just his fear of heights; it was the buzzing airports, the never-ending standing in line, the endless security checks. Leaving his knives behind always felt like a mistake. Having people in such close proximity for the better part of the day, maybe even having them patting him down because something –he couldn’t tell what, he had made sure not to carry anything made of metal on his body– had set the scanners off and his eye had twitched in annoyance. The security guy had him marked the moment it had happened. And then rinse and repeat on the way back. A nightmare.

His team had been there, of course, loud and full of energy, excited for the trip. ‘Vegas Baby!’ they had hooted more than once on their way to the airport. Andrew didn’t care about Vegas. Kevin and Allison took turns watching him, pretending otherwise and then pretending not to notice that he had caught on to their little ploy. All in all it had been two needlessly exhausting days. His mind had been preoccupied but there was a good chance no one had noticed. His team was used to his silent treatment, even more so when they were flying somewhere. Kevin might have noticed but hadn’t commented on it. He had been busy with the press most of all.

His duffle bag made it onto his bed, thrown with more force than strictly necessary, a meager outlet for his growing frustration. His apartment felt cold somehow, even though the temperature was regulated constantly. Andrew undressed on his way into the bathroom, his clothes leaving a trail in his wake, and took a shower. He had plans tonight. They couldn’t wait any longer. Neil had his respite and it was about time to remind him that the hunt was coming to an end. Andrew had used the last two days to evaluate the situation again and again. His conclusion: he couldn’t just let the man go. He wanted to solve this puzzle and catch the rabbit. Letting Neil simply vanish again was out of the question.

The water was too hot but he ignored it. At least it dealt with the unpleasant feeling of cold and lingering exhaustion in his limbs. Andrew imagined how Neil had always taken showers before he went out to meet with someone, remembered the smell of the man’s body wash and shampoo, the taste of his clean skin, the feeling of his soft yet unruly hair.

‘It’s just daydreaming. I’m sure you do it too.’ Of course he did. Having a close to perfect memory had its advantages and this was one of them.

‘You have to promise me to delete the file afterwards.’ Sure thing. He had committed it to memory the moment he saw it. Agreeing to Neil’s terms had been easy. His internal replay count was getting worryingly high.

‘What are you really thinking of?’ ‘You.’ Followed by a gasp as Neil had come undone, looking straight into the camera, at him. Andrew’s breath hitched. He leaned his forearm against the cool tiles, supporting his head as he shifted his weight forward, letting the water soak his hair and hit his shoulders.

‘Andrew, I’m so close.’ His moan echoed inside the bathroom with no one but him to hear it. ‘Andrew? Andrew. Andrew! Andrew.’ He let the shiver run down through his body, let the feeling of his knees going weak pass over him and let it all be washed away by the hot spray of the shower, before he turned around and leaned back against the wall, eyes closed.

His plans had gone astray when he had driven by Neil’s apartment twice that night. The place had been dark, leading to the conclusion that Neil was out, possibly with another client. Being not too worried about it, Andrew had decided to kill some time at Eden’s. Maybe asking Roland a few questions would be a good idea. But their conversation took a different turn as Roland looked at him knowingly from behind the bar and greeted him with one of his specials and a disappointed: “I had really hoped it would work out between you two.” There had been no doubt whatsoever who they were talking about, and Andrew switched gears and leaned lazily against the bar.

“Oh?” He feigned disinterest.

“Well, yeah, why wouldn’t I? You think I’d begrudge you any kind of pleasure? You wound me, Andrew.” Andrew just waved him off, not in the mood for theatrics at the moment.

“He’s been here, then?” Facts, that’s what he’d come for.

“Came to say goodbye,” Roland nodded. “You know, I really liked that kid. He was a good customer too.”

“I’m sure,” Andrew agreed. Gone, Neil was gone. “Did he tell you where he went?”

“No. Just told me it was his last night in town and he wouldn’t spend it at home. Thought you might know the details.”

“‘fraid not,” he mumbled into his drink and took a sip. Roland looked disappointed again.

“Sorry to hear that,” the bartender told him, and Andrew had the feeling he meant the whole situation, not just Neil’s sudden goodbye. The older man mixed them two shooters and placed them onto the polished bar between them. “On the house. To the kid, wherever he might be.” The Exy player took one and huffed in wry humor. It was the first of many shots that night and definitely not his last spiked drink either.

Good thing he had left the Maserati at home before he came to Eden’s. Andrew could barely remember talking to the cabby and giving him his address, paying him (he made sure that had happened and wasn’t just some memory from another night… some drugs and him didn’t mix well, and he didn’t need more trouble), and finally stumbling into his dark, empty apartment. The sofa was closer than the bed, so that was where he ended up, asking himself when had been the last time he was so intoxicated that he surely would regret it the next morning. I’m acting like Kevin, he thought and found his morbid sense of humor, starting to laugh. Even in his own ears it sounded wrong. He’s gone. You let him get away. Neil had managed to hide for years. How likely was it to find him again now?

Morning practice was a physical impossibility and for someone like him that meant something. His coach wasn’t amused of course, but Andrew sounded wrecked enough on the phone to make a sick call believable. Maybe Mathews wouldn’t buy it completely, but he would give him the benefit of the doubt. Kevin wouldn’t. He’d show up sooner or later, making accusations, bringing their supposed-to-be unspoken agreement up, wanting to know why Andrew hadn’t come over instead. He would have to dodge Kevin for a little while. His first step was to turn his phone off. That was an easy task again, now that he knew he couldn’t expect unforeseeable calls and texts from Neil. His next step was his search for some painkillers and downing them with two tall glasses of water. What followed were three more hours of much needed sleep.

He woke up hungover afterwards, still on his sofa, still in his disgusting smelling club outfit, groaning and rolling onto his back, one hand covering his eyes. He felt like shit, there was no other way to describe it, through and through, wrecked to the core. In addition to his physical discomforts came the aftermath of overloaded neurotransmitters, which in his case was a little different from a normal functioning brain. You couldn’t get much lower than his continuous state of apathy, but ‘not much’ was still an unpleasant experience.

It took him most of the day to resemble a normally functioning human being again, even though his brain wasn’t quite up to speed yet. What drove him to get into his car and make the trip across town to Neil’s old apartment again, Andrew couldn’t really say. What induced him to actually get out of his car and break into the young man’s apartment however, was purely his notorious Andrew Minyard curiosity. It seldom knew moral standards or limits. It was like an itch inside his skull that he couldn’t scratch any other way. The need to make sure, to maybe look for clues, to see what was left, couldn’t be ignored any longer.

The lock didn’t even pretend to present much of a challenge, reminding Andrew of the almost bare apartment Neil had called his home. With so little of value inside, why bother? If you had to be ready to run at any given moment and give everything up, why bother? The door opened almost silently. The moment he sat foot into the dark apartment, Andrew knew something was off. The place wasn’t empty. That alone he could have excused. Neil could have run, leaving everything behind except of his most important possessions. It would have made sense. What didn’t though were the boxes that greeted Andrew in the dark. Someone, most likely Neil, had made an effort and packed up all of the young man’s belongings. Granted, that couldn’t have taken long. There were only four of them, neatly stacked against the wall. He paused and took it all in.

Andrew had to admit he hadn't seen the attack from behind that swept the feet from under him, tripping him backwards, coming. He hit the floor back first, and felt the air rushing from his lungs. About to roll to the side to get back onto his feet, a racquet above his head made him pause. Getting slow, Minyard, he mocked himself.

“Give me one good reason not to bash your brains out,” Neil growled. There he was, standing behind him, in nothing but his underwear, aiming his Exy racquet at Andrew’s head. The predator was back again, and Andrew felt another shiver running down his spine. Neil’s bare feet had made no sound when snuck up behind him. He probably had heard him tempering with the lock and hid in the dark bathroom with his racquet. Never before had Andrew Minyard been so pleasantly surprised by being attacked from behind.

“I’m not here to fight,” the goalkeeper replied, staying down for now, leaning on one elbow.

“I don’t care. I’m done with you. I should have never agreed to this in the first place.” The man above him was more than a little annoyed by his uninvited guest.

“I want the truth,” Andrew said and slowly sat up, pushing the racquet aside with his shoulder when Neil refused to move it out of the way. He needed to know. It had been all he could think of those last few days.

“Too bad we are not playing anymore.” Too bad, he had to agree. “Now get out,” Neil hissed.

“How can I put this? How about… –No.” Neil had made the mistake not to withdraw his weapon of choice, leaving the racquet in Andrew’s reach. So he used it, grabbed it and pulled himself back onto his feet with its help when Neil wouldn’t let go. The scuffle that followed only showed how outmatched Neil was in close combat against the Exy star. He threw some punches, some of which Andrew blocked, some of which he simply took and ignored. He hit back only twice, and both hits were more precisely aimed and had enough force behind them to make them count. The first was aimed at Neil’s gut, the second at his face, knocking his head sideways, splitting his lower lip. Everything else was just holds and shoves, making clear who had the upper hand in this fight. Neil was a sore loser though. When he couldn’t get his racquet back, he aimed a knee at the goalkeeper’s groin, which Andrew saw coming and blocked, but wasn’t amused by. It was a cheap shot. It did, however, give Neil the opportunity he had needed to get free and back onto his feet. He took three steps backwards and swept a hand at his bleeding lower lip, keeping his eyes on the goalkeeper. But where did he think he was going in just his underwear in the middle of the night?

Andrew stayed where he was. The fight had gotten his blood flowing, but there was no euphoria in his system. He was still suffering the aftermath of the drugs, leaving him feeling strangely hollow and dissatisfied inside. It wasn’t a good mix. It was a dangerous combination for him.

“Just wait,” he sighed. He was tired of this. He wouldn’t get another chance though. Too bad he had imagined their next encounter differently and now had only himself to blame.

“Fuck off!” Neil was breathing hard, feeling all the rage Andrew couldn’t find inside himself right now.

“Ask me,” Andrew told him.

“Shut up!”

“Ask me anything,” he raised his voice to meet Neil’s. It felt strange. He rarely got loud. He didn’t need to. People took him seriously from his presence alone.

“I don’t care!” Neil was so furious by now, he didn't know what he was doing. The old rage was boiling in him, taking him over. Andrew clearly underestimated him. It was a dangerous game for both of them, and the goalkeeper kept pushing him, wouldn’t leave him alone.

His adrenalin was still high. He had been napping after another sleepless night when he had heard someone stopping in front of his apartment door, followed by the sound of someone messing with his lock. It had taken Neil three seconds to jump off the bed, grab his racquet and hide behind the half open bathroom door in the dark, watching Andrew fucking Minyard breaking into his apartment through the gap between the door and wall.

“Liar! I know you do!” Why did he have to show his emotions now? Why? For fuck’s sake, why couldn't Andrew stay the fuck away from him? What was he doing looking at him like that, as if this meant something? Was he that crazy? Now of all times, after it was already too late. It was not fair.

“Why are you doing this?” Neil raged. Tomorrow morning he would have been gone from this city. It had been a mistake to plan this through this time after all. Pack your things, rent a car, arrive somewhere with more than a duffle bag for once… Yeah, right… Because it had only been Minyard who had found out? Only? Because he had thought he could handle the man? Because somewhere below all this crazy bullshit he still cared for this asshole and couldn’t figure out why.

“Because I want you.” There was anger in Andrew’s voice and something else. Pain? Want me? I know you want me, you idiot, you’ve been paying for me. Captain obvious…

“Why me? For fucks sake!” Neil kicked one of the boxes, leaving a hole in its side. Don’t look at me like that.

“Because you are a nightmare I cannot wake up from.” What a line… Back to the theatrics already, Andrew mocked himself.

“What the fuck does that even mean,” Neil asked, incomprehension written all over his face. “Are you serious?”

“I know you don’t get it,” Andrew spat. Because he wouldn’t. How could he? Andrew himself didn't get to terms with it. He wanted this man. There was so precious little in his life he really wanted. It made him so angry, this… obsession with Neil. It went way beyond sex, way beyond his issues. He knew it was already too late for both of them.

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock. Who the fuck knows what’s going through your brain.” Well, that stung. It shouldn’t, but it did. And it must have shown on his face because Neil’s expression shifted, and then he said, “Are you in love with me?” and there couldn't have been more disbelief in his tone if he had tried.

“Yes, I am.” There it was. And saying it made him feel like crap, sitting here on the dusty floor. He hated it. Neil blinked and Andrew waited for him to laugh, to be disgusted, to be creeped out. He knew what he looked like; a crazy stalker who came after his prostitute. Who wouldn't be thrilled by that?

“You can’t be serious.” Still disbelieve. Nothing else.

“I’m not the liar here,” he snapped. This was so fucked up. He knew it. This was a disaster. And the worst part was, he had fucked it up. He had known all along what a stupid idea this was.

The young man frowned down at him. “No, you are not,” he admitted. Neil’s anger was slowly subsiding again, leaving something like cool detachment in its wake. “You can’t blame me for not realizing it. You have a strange way of showing it.” He crossed his arms over his chest. Andrew said nothing. What could say? It was true. “Is that why you keep following me? Did Roland tell you I was leaving?”

“He said you were gone.” That man had caused him so much unexpected trouble recently.

“And you had to make sure?” He didn’t answer but Neil nodded. “Something came up. I was going to leave yesterday. I can’t have you following me around, Andrew. It’s dangerous.”

“Who are you running from?” Why wouldn’t he just answer him? It was so annoying.

“Don’t you know?” Confusion again. Neil was so wide open right now, Andrew wondered if he even realized it.

“I wouldn’t have to ask then, would I?”

“You didn’t ask Kevin?” Maybe he should have. It was always better to have all the cards in one’s hands, but it also made for a terribly boring game.

“I’m still not sure he needs to know.” Depending on what they were dealing with here, it could freak Kevin out and that could get ugly. Andrew didn’t particularly feel like playing babysitter for his friend right now. Not more than usual at least. Neil sighed, looked miserable for a moment and leaned back against the wall. He muttered something under his breath Andrew couldn’t quite catch, then raked a hand through his messy hair.

“You say you like me, but you don’t even know me,” he said then, sighing and sounding more exhausted than anything else. Andrew didn’t miss how ‘love’ had turned into ‘like’ all of the sudden. “Same goes for me. I don’t know you at all, and I thought we agreed on that at the beginning. Now, I know things got messy along the way, and yes, part of it was my fault, I won’t deny that. It was. I got carried away. But pulling that surveillance shit on me went too far. I’m not even talking about what happened back at your apartment. That’s just fucked up. This is stalker material and you now it.”

Yes, he did know it, and it didn’t even matter that it hadn’t been him who had sent those men after Neil. He had taken that file as soon as it had been in his reach. Allison would come up with some excuses about celebrities having to watch their backs. It was bullshit. Fact was he didn’t even feel particularly guilty about the whole thing. Not enough to apologize at least. He knew it had been wrong, morally, legally, but his moral standards were pretty much chthonic to begin with. Flexible, one might say giving him too much credit, nonexistent others might say. The truth lay somewhere in-between but clearly in the lower spectrum.

“You like to push my boundaries.” It wasn't a question but Andrew nodded because Neil knew it already. “And you like it when I break my rules for you. You like the advantage it gives you over me.” Power, Neil had wanted to say, Andrew could hear it in his voice, knew exactly what it would sound like.

“Yes,” he admitted flatly. He needed a cigarette.

“Do you know it makes me feel like crap? That it makes me hate myself every time I let you,” Neil muttered. No, he hadn’t known. How could he have? Empathy wasn’t exactly his forte. He had gotten better at guessing other people’s feelings over the years. He still didn't much care for them. “Geez.” Neil raked his fingers through his hair again and then turned his head to look at Andrew. “Have you been raped?” He had known it already, Andrew was sure.

“Yes.” No use denying it, nothing to gain from it. Open cards, Minyard.

“Fuck,” Neil cursed and Andrew could hear that he had hoped to be wrong about that. “When?” When what? When had been the first time? Or the last? Bee would be so proud, he mocked himself. Spilling everything as if someone had cut him open, as if he was bleeding out.

“I was seven.” He felt raw and strangely numb at the same time, his apathy mixing with old memories and those feelings everyone always told him he was missing. Maybe feelings were overrated after all. Or maybe this was still the drugs’ aftermath. “Then again, when I was twenty.”

“Jesus, Andrew,” Neil cursed. If he coughed up any sign of pity now, he might hit him. Andrew didn't know if he would be able to help himself. This was exactly what he hadn't wanted.

“That’s an interesting choice of words,” he said monotonously. He got up, looked at Neil. “Are we done?” He needed to get out of here. It took Neil a moment to find his voice again.

“Yes,” he said, frowning and watching him warily. And Andrew left, without another word.

<<Ch14 Ch15.2>>

#lntycm #tfc fanfic #atfg fanfic #andreil #andrew minyard #kevin day #neil josten #cval madness #angst #violence #hurt/comfort #anxiety

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