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writing-parker · 6 years

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Dark Winter III- A Series of Vignettes

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Vignettes: A series of episodes and events in the reader’s and Bucky’s relationship. Big and small, sweet or angsty, these stories lay out the moments in time they carved out for themselves in the crazy world they live in. They all take place in the same universe, but do not need to be read in any particular order.

Summary Winter in New York is long and cold, and this year is worse than any other.

Warning: Descriptions of violence, descriptions of torture and attempted suicide. This is rated M for smut as well. 18+.

A/N: This was really hard to write, and I’m pretty sure I bit off more than I could chew, but here is the final part of Dark Winter! I said it was going to be shorter, but it’s not (oops). I also said it was going to be fluffier and it is (mostly). So I’m 1 for 2, which seems fine to me. Anyway, i hope it makes sense.

I love getting comments and feedback, it makes me want to write so much more.

As always, let me know if you would like to be tagged in this vignettes.

Dark Winter Dark Winter II

You’re sitting at your kitchen table, the lid on Bucky’s ‘file’ still closed tight. You know you should feel grateful that Bucky wants to share it with you, but it was intimidating. And it was going to change things. There was really no way to deny it, it would.

You really didn’t care what was in it, and you knew the basics already. He fell from the train, was found and tortured by HYDRA, spent the next 75 years committing the world’s most heinous crimes on behalf of the people that tortured him. You knew you were really over simplifying things, but in your head, that’s how it was.

Because Bucky never really talked about it with you. HYDRA. He talked about Steve finding him, and Wakanda, and even life before World War II. You know he spoke about his time in HYDRA with his therapists. Surely had to recount his memories with Shuri. But he never went into detail about what they did to him with you.

So, in your head you compartmentalized Bucky’s time as the winter soldier as not him. Irrelevant and unconnected to who you saw him as. Of course that was ideal thinking. Those things- no matter how awful and terrible- happened to him. Just as much as anything else. And you would never hold him responsible for them, but you couldn’t continue on pretending they never happened.

It was selfish. But you were scared. Not of him or what he did or what he was capable of. No.

When you thought about what it meant for him to want to share this with you, that’s what scared you. It’s not that you had ever expected it to be some sort of fling or friends with benefits, but when you met Bucky you didn’t know it was possible to feel the way you felt now.

You pick up the phone and call the only person who you know can help you sort your thoughts.

“Wanda,” You sigh when she answers on the first ring. You hadn’t spoken with her since the incident, as you had started to refer to it.

Barely giving her a chance to respond you launch into the full story, telling her everything, even though you were sure she had already heard most of it herself. Sam liked to gossip.

“He wants me to read all of this-”

“His file, I know.” Wanda says, “Have you read it?”

“…How?” You had gotten home barely 30 minutes ago.

“Because lover-boy and I finished breakfast about 10 minutes ago.” Right. Wanda lived at the tower and so did Peter. The thought of the three of them co-existing makes you laugh. Bucky was open with you but he wasn’t exactly a chatter box with everyone else.

“He told you?” You’re so confused.

“I read minds, Y/n.” She says flatly.

Right. Of course. You knew that. “Thought you stayed out of our heads.”

“I’m sorry,” She at least sounds a little chagrined. “But they were really loud.”

“What was he thinking about?” You mumble through the phone.

“How pretty you are.” She laughs.

“Wanda, come on! If you’re gonna invade his privacy at least share with me!” You’re laughing too, knowing she’ll never tell. It wasn’t your business.

“Why are you freaking out? He’s trying to be more open with you.” Wanda sounds skeptical.

“Because this is huge. It feels like there’s no going back from this.” You busy yourself by pacing the kitchen.

“That’s why he gave it to you.” Wanda says hesitantly, “Y/n, if you’re not 100% sure about this you need to tell Bucky right now. He’s all in.”

“Wanda I’m in love with him,” You laugh breathily, incredulously, “I’ve been in love with him. I’m scared.”

Wanda pauses. “Of Bucky?”

“Of… my feelings.” You’re over-simplifying it, but you know she’ll understand. You’d told her about your parents and their tumultuous relationship, the way it affected you. “Everything that comes with it.” You gesture vaguely even though she can’t see it.

“Bucky’s not going anywhere,” Wanda says like she knows it’s true. Maybe she did. “He’s not like-”

You snort. “I don’t really want to talk about my daddy issues right now.”

You can practically hear Wanda roll her eyes, “Whatever. All I know is that I’ve been inside both of your heads and I’ve never seen anything like what you two have. Like magnets.” She pauses, “Read the file. Figure it out.” The line goes dead.

With a groan you grab the box and lock yourself in your bedroom, ready for a long day.

_____________________________________________________

Bucky hasn’t heard from you since yesterday morning. Realistically, he knew you were just doing what he asked and it was a lot to take in. But still. Now it was Sunday night and he barely slept last night because of his nightmares and he just wanted you.

He had been thinking all day that maybe it was a bad idea. Maybe it was too much too soon.

Sometime in the afternoon, from his office on the floor below, Steve heard Bucky’s incessant pacing and went to check on him.

“What if she leaves?” Bucky whispered.

“She won’t.” Steve said, he was sure of it. Bucky throws him an exasperated look.

“What if she’s scared of me after she reads it?”

“Buck, you already tried to strangle her.” If looks could kill Steve would have been on the ground, “What? It’s true. If she was scared she would have been long gone by now.”

It was mostly the truth, but even Steve hadn’t read the file in its entirety. Bucky’s absentmindedly looking out the window when his new phone pings. He had been embarrassed to tell Tony he smashed his old one, but the other man simply nodded and there was one sitting on his bed last night.

Y/n: Come over.

Bucky doesn’t hesitate.

Bucky Barnes: On my way.

Your hands shake as they close the lid tight on Bucky’s file, the words flashing through your brain. His SHEILD file had been easy enough to read, there wasn’t much information and most of it pertained to Steve and WWII and his fall from the train.

It took you more than a day to read his HYDRA file. It was everything, from how they found him, made him the Winter Soldier.

The asset is not responding to traditional torture methods… asset’s enhanced abilities make him a threat to officers, must be restrained at all times… Electric shock has been used as a method of compliance… the asset does not recognize photos of close family…

You feel dizzy and nauseous. You would no longer have to imagine the horrors he went though, they would always be in your head now.

The asset tried to physically remove HYDRA prosthetic from his body. Needed urgent medical attention… Asset showed resistance to eliminating target, suggested use of psychoactive ingredients in next round of shock therapy…

Seven decades of torture laid out in front of you. The man you loved, a prisoner of war for so, so long. Pages and pages and you couldn’t stop reading. The worst were those first few years, what they had to do to turn him into an unrecognizable monster.

Asset is non-compliant with HYDRA missions, will require extra time and voltage in the shock chair…

Water is withheld from asset for 48 hours before next enhanced interrogation. When weak, his mind is more susceptible to influence…

You had felt faint when you read …asset attempted suicide by asphyxiation… six months after his capture.

Finally… we are certain that asset’s loyalties are with HYDRA.

After that there were a lot of detailed mission reports from Bucky himself. Mechanical. Non-feeling. They made him commit gruesome, horrific crimes like it was nothing. Innocent or guilty, he killed the people they told him to and reported back.

That’s all it is until Steve found him. Then there was no more HYDRA.

You’re too lost in your thoughts to hear him knock. When you don’t answer he opens the unlocked door and approaches where you’re sitting on the couch and rests a hand on your shoulder. You know it’s him immediately and rest one of your hands on top of his.

You sit like that for a moment.

“I’m really scared you’re gonna tell me that you realized I’m no good for you.” Bucky breaks the silence first.

You stand and turn to face him. He can tell you’ve been crying but he doesn’t say anything about it. One of your hands finds his shoulder and the other reaches up to trace your fingers across his jaw, his cheekbones, tucking some hair behind his ears. Your lips ghost over his before you pull him to you, arms wrapping around his neck.

“Bucky,” You breathe in his ear. Chills run down his spine. “I’m so sorry… for what they did to you.” He buries his face in your neck and shakes his head.

“The things I did…” He trails off.

“That wasn’t you.” You say surely, calmly. Certain.

“Don’t say that.” He untangles himself from your arms. “The things I did were very much me. You read the reports I wrote myself.” He’s not yelling, not angry. Just studying you intently, gauging your reaction.

“You didn’t even know your name,” You whisper. Bucky opens his mouth to protest, but you cut him off, “Listen to me, Bucky. It wasn’t you that did those things and I know you might never be able to believe that but I do and I need you to know and understand that. I don’t care what anyone else thinks or says.”

He nods. You can’t read his face.

“And I’m sorry about the pain they caused you.” Your voice breaks. “And…I love you.” You didn’t even know what you were saying until it came out of your mouth. But it was true.

Bucky’s eyes snap up to meet yours. Hesitantly, with no malice in his voice, he says, “I don’t want you to say that because you feel sorry for me.” He didn’t deserve your love.

You give him a little smile and reach for his hand, fingers tracing up his arm, “No.” You say, “I love you because you bring me coffee on Tuesday mornings because you know I have a morning conference call. I love that you trusted me with all of this”- you gesture to his file- “And because you know what I’m about to say before I say it. The way you touch me.” Your eyes darken for a moment.

“I was in love with you before you ever kissed me.” You laugh, “You make me feel safe and you challenge me every day and I hate this speech so much but I’m in love with you.”

Bucky’s grinning, shaking his head, “All you’ve done is make my life difficult,” He says lightly. You’re both laughing, his hand finds your hip, “You’re all I think about. You’re all I worry about- I’ve never thought of all the ways I could lose someone before I met you. Your stupid face has me smiling all the time. No one’s scared of me anymore.” He throws his hands up with a dramatic eye roll.

“I’m better at this than you.” You cross your arms over your chest.

Bucky’s hand finds your cheek and he’s serious again, “I love you. You saved me.” His blue eyes search yours before he kisses you, full of passion, hand tangled in your hair. Your hands slide under his shirt leaving goosebumps in their wake. He pulls back, hand cupping your face, “And, oh my god, you’re so pretty.”

You laugh breathily, “So are you.”

“I’m pretty?” You both have goofy grins on your faces.

“Really pretty.”

Your hands slide farther up Bucky’s abdomen, towards his chest, pulling his shirt with them.

“What are you…?” Bucky trails off, with a long exhale, eyes fluttering closed as you trace over his abs and chest with your fingers. Before he realized what you were doing, you were pulling his shirt over his head.

His eyes open as you grab his hand and pull him down to the couch and straddle his waist. The act seems sexual, but the soft look in your eyes has him knitting his eyebrows in confusion. The moment turns serious again. You turn your attention to his left shoulder.

“I love this.” You say, fingers at the crook of his Vibranium arm, tracing up his bicep.

Bucky’s cheeks are red, and he can’t look you in the eye. You press your lips to the cold metal and he squirms away from you, uncomfortable.

“Y/n…”

You kiss his jaw, “What? It’s you.” Your fingers slide up his arm, to the spot where flesh meets metal. Shuri did such a good job with it, the transition is seamless.

You run your fingers over scars that you had previously thought were from HYDRA- five large, deep, long-healed scars where his shoulder meets his prosthetic. Now you know they were self-inflicted. You line each scar up with one of your fingers, tracing them towards his chest.

“You did this.” You say. It’s not a question or an accusation.

“I remember it hurting all the time. Wanting it off. Trying to take it off myself. I still hate it. I don’t get why… you…” Here he was, laying out all of his insecurities and broken pieces for you.

He didn’t get why you were here, in front of him, looking at him like that. He never would. But he would never question the god that put you here again.

He still won’t look at you, instead focusing on tugging gently at the ends of your hair, pulling the waves straight and watching them bounce back into place. Distracting himself.

“Bucky, look at me.” His eyes meet yours. They follow you as you slide off his lap and tuck yourself into his side. “I don’t love you despite all of this. Does that make sense?” He shrugs. You sigh, “It’s not like I read this stuff and thought ‘oh this sucks I maybe I can still love him’ I loved you and I read it and I still love you.”

You’re rambling, but you can’t stop, “You. I could care less about the arm. Keep it, or get rid of it, or replace with a bunch of knives like Edward Scissorhands.” You knew he would get the reference, you made him watch it on Halloween. He smiles a little. “But you would still be you.”

You gesture to the box on the ground, “All of that stuff, made you who you are today. Here with me. How could it ever make me leave you?”

“You should,” He says softly, looking up at you through thick lashes, “leave me.” He clarifies, even though you both know that’s not an option any more.

“You’re stuck with me, Barnes,” You lean up to suck his earlobe between your teeth, “You’re mine.”

Your words make him pull back, fists clenching, “I’m theirs, Y/n. They made very sure of that.” He stands, pushing you off him a little, “You should know… better than anyone.” His eyes drop to the purple bruises still littering your neck. He bends to pick up his shirt and cover himself, but you stand and stop him.

“They don’t get to have you,” You spit. Bucky knows you’re not frustrated with him, but with them. With HYDRA.

And then you’re kissing him, desperately, running your hands through his hair, pressing your body against his. His hands push your sweater down your arms.

“You’re…” He starts, but your lips are on his again, lighting every nerve in his body on fire.

“Yours.” You finish, warm breath hitting his ear, “I’m yours.”

Bucky nods desperately, dragging his lips down your jaw. His hand slides down your waist, hip, squeezing your ass. You gasp, trying to press yourself closer. He slides both hands down to your thighs, hoisting you up. You wrap your legs around his hips and grind down against him.

You feel your back hit the wall behind you. Your shirt rides up your sides, rough hands against your skin. His lips are latched to your collarbone, worshipping the skin there. Your head falls back against the wall with a soft thud.

Bucky looks at you: head thrown back in pleasure, lips parted in the soft light.

His knees almost give out.

“Bedroom,” You whisper in his ear. He doesn’t have a choice but to comply, latching his lips back to yours he blindly makes his way through your apartment, depositing you on your bed.

Bucky pushes you down on the mattress, body shaping to yours. Your hips strain forward, legs instinctively opening like a cradle. You feel him, hard against your clothed center.

“Oh god,” You moan, unable to stop your hips from jerking against his. He groans too, grinding against you. “Bucky.”

His teeth catch on the flesh under your jaw and he growls a deep, throaty sound of approval, “Keep saying my name like that.” He pants.

Bucky presses his hips to yours harder and sucks your earlobe between his teeth, skimming it with his tongue. His name falls from your mouth mindlessly, without a doubt his intention, “Bucky,”

With a pleased hum, he pulls away, sits back on his haunches to press his hand between your thighs. His fingers deftly work the button on your jeans, pulling them down your legs. His pants and your shirt are next. Having forgone a bra, you’re in front of him in just your panties, which he peels down your legs slowly.

“Fuck,” he says a little harshly, reverently. His cheeks are flushed. He licks his lips, eyes glazed, and his right hand skims down one of your thighs, sweeping over the gully between her hip bones. “You’re so gorgeous.”

You can’t help but blush under his intense scrutiny. You notice his eyes lingering on your neck, and slowly, he hunches back over and kisses you. Your lips part and welcome his tongue. Your hands reach down and unbutton his jeans, shoving them down his legs with his briefs. His cock bounces free against your abdomen.

His lips part from yours to trace down your jaw, then slowly, your neck. So gently, he ghosts his lips over the still-sore bruises. You sigh, eyes fluttering closed at the contact. “I’m so sorry,” He says into your skin, “I love you.” His flesh hand lifts to trace the bruises.

His hands shake.

“Bucky?” You ask, voice laced with concern.

He wants to laugh, because he doesn’t know why he’s feeling like this. Just feels overwhelmed. This feels different. You grab his hand, press it to the skin above your heart. Your heart raced underneath his palm, pounding hard. “It’s okay.” He searches your eyes, your mouth twitches with a smile, “Me too.”

The fast, rhythmic beating of your heart soothes him. He leans down again to kiss you, trying to put all of the love he’s feeling into it, “Make me yours.” He begs,

You sit up quickly, pushing him down on his back. You can’t help but run your hand over his cock experimentally. He inhales sharply, hips thrusting upward at the contact.

Habitually, Bucky reaches to your bedside table for a condom. Normally, he liked to take his time and make you come under his hands, his mouth before sliding into you, but tonight was different. He needed you now.

He’s pulled from his thoughts by your hand on top of his.

“I don’t….want…” You gesture to the condom in his hands, “Just you.”

Bucky nods, swallowing thickly.

“I’m clean,” You rush to say, “And I’m on birth control. And it’s only been you since-”

Bucky’s sitting up, chest against yours, kissing you sloppily, all tongue and teeth, hands knotted in yours hair. After a moment he falls back to the pillows, pulling you with him. Your hair curtains around both of your heads, shielding you from the outside world. Bucky kisses you again, soft, slow.

You shimmy up his body a little and reach between your legs to guide him inside you. The head of his cock parts your folds and you sink down on to him, undulating your hips a little so you can accommodate his length. You both groan at the sensation of being joined together without any barriers.

“Oh,” You sigh.

You drop your head to his neck, adjusting to his size. Bucky’s lips find the sensitive skin under your ear, worrying the skin there. Eventually you sit up, staring down at him with a shy smile.

Bracing your hands against his chest, you start to move slowly on top of him, rocking your hips forward. Bucky inhales through his teeth, his eyes darting between your face and the juncture of your bodies. Using your shins for leverage, you ride him. His fingers tighten on your thighs, and he groans gravelly, thrusting up into you. “My god, Y/n. You feel… so... fuck.”

“Mmm,” you hum in agreement, clenching around him. You smile when he moans louder.

“Oh, fuck.” He swears again harshly, and props himself up on an elbow, he slides a hand up your thigh and abdomen so he can cup your breast. He squeezes it firmly and you sigh and close your eyes. Teasing your nipple with one hand he sits up and pulls the other into his mouth. You thrust down on him harder, pussy fluttering around his cock from the pleasure.

“Bucky,” You gasp when his pelvic bone rubs against your clit. Your thigs are starting to burn with the strain of holding yourself up, but your clit is throbbing, arousal leaking out of you to ease the friction of his cock inside of you.

“Baby,” Bucky murmurs against your nest, nuzzling kisses up to your neck. “Let me.”

You’re confused as to what he means before he rolls you over on to your back. His cock slips out of you momentarily until he positions himself above you and then he’s pushing into you again, eliciting a moan.

He takes a leisurely pace until you adjust, and then he’s bracing himself on his forearms, careful not to pull on your hair. Then he begins thrusting more forcefully, one hand snaking down to light over your clit.

“Oh my god,” You whimper after a particularly hard thrust.

“You’re so tight. You feel so good,” Bucky presses his forehead against your cheek, breath hot and heavy on your neck.

“Y/n,” Bucky grits, you can tell he’s close, “Are you gonna come?” He forces out.

You moan softly, fingers carding through his damp hair. “Keep touching me like that.” You beg, jerking against him when you feel his fingers press harder against your clit.

“Fuck,” Your fingernails scratch down his back, causing Bucky to moan against you.

It doesn’t take long, with the manipulation of his clit enhanced by the sensation of his cock filling you, stretching your falls, and you come with an alarming suddenness only seconds later with an unrestrained cry.

Your walls pulse around his cock, and his grunts become raspier and more erratic- thrusts slamming into your hips, threatening to split you open. Your thighs fall open as far as they can, and you barely register when he comes inside you a moment later.

“Oh my god, Bucky,” You sound absolutely wrecked underneath him.

You look up at him. His body is pressed against yours, but he’s careful not to put his full weight on you. His eyes open slowly as he pulls out of you, rolling on his back before he pulls you to his chest.

“I love you so much,” He whispers, fingers tracing patterns on your cooling skin.

You pause, prop yourself up on his chest, “I love you too,” You say. You don’t look at him. Your voice sounds a million miles away.

“Hey,” Bucky says softly, tapping on your cheek, “Everything okay?”

“Yeah,” You try to sound confident, but you still won’t look at him.

“Did I hurt you?”

“What? God no. That was incredible,” You finally tilt your face up towards him. “Um, I’ve never said that to anyone before.”

Bucky sits up a little so he can get a better look at you. He smiles softly.

“It’s hard for me… my parents, they had a really… difficult relationship. It fucked me up,” You laugh a little, but you can’t find any other words. He knew you never really mentioned your mom and dad, but now he was realizing why.

“Oh.” Bucky says, “Oh.” He had been so caught up in what he was feeling, he didn’t stop to think that you might be feeling overwhelmed.

“He left her,” You cast your eyes downward, “And me.”

His heart sinks. “Those things I said about leaving… I didn’t mean it. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know! I’m not accusing you of anything.” You rush to say, “I know I just… wanted you to know.”

“Do you want to talk about it?” He asks hesitantly. You’ve never opened up about your childhood to him, really never talked about anything before college. He suddenly feels like he’s been neglecting you because he’s never made you open up, like you had done to him.

It’s like you always knew what he needed and he was a step behind you.

“Not really,” You press a kiss to his chest. You feel his hesitation. “I will. Soon. We have time.” You smile softly before whispering, “I love you so much.”

There’s a lot more to say and you both know it. But there would be time. You had so much time.

Your legs tangle together, head fits under his shoulder. You fall asleep like that, tangled up together, not thinking about ever being separate again.

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