#but i really really need him. i need my f/os. and being scared of them is such a horrible feeling | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

frecklystars · 1 year

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i think starscream would pick you every time. you were both abused. hes not going to do what she wants. he would hate her for how she treated you, honestly. in fact i think he misses making you feel special, but he understands why youre going through it. he misses and loves you more than life. he'll always choose you. hed see himself in you.

You sent me this last night when I was crying my eyes out, I hope you don't mind I wanted to keep it in my inbox a while longer because it soothed me so much. I have had the firm and genuine belief in my soul that Starscream would want to hurt me and betray me, for so many months now. Hearing someone else tell me that he wouldn't hurt me, he'd love me... it just means so much. I haven't heard people say that in almost 9 months. This is partially why I wanted to come back to tumblr, because I have only heard someone putting me down and making me feel horrible about myself for almost a year, I was hoping there'd still be some kind souls out there such as yourself who would try to tell me I'm still worthy of his love. I want to feel loved by him again so, so badly. I want to be worthy of him. I love him more than anything in the world and I miss self shipping. And I cannot tell you how much it means to me that you took the time out of your night (or day... timezones) to write this out and send it to me. Thank you.

That last part really resonated with me, that he'd see himself in me... I remember when I broke up with someone who heavily mistreated me about 4 years ago. I was such a mess. A year after the breakup, I met Starscream, and seeing him get abused on screen so blatantly, it made me think "oh my god, there I am". Seeing him angry for his abuse, it made me feel so fucking validated. It was my first and only time seeing a character who was abused actually get to express their anger. I gravitated toward that and he helped me heal from that experience, it's why I made my Saving Starlight AU. Now my anger for my abuser from 4 years ago, almost all of that anger has completely vanished, and I owe it to Starscream to holding my hand and guiding me through that pain. But now, I've been through this abuse all over again from someone who I really trusted, and... now I am so scared to go to Starscream for comfort, because I've been conditioned to believe that he wouldn't comfort me. My perception of my own comfort characters have been warped into ugly demonic nightmares of how much they want to hurt me. My own self ships feel like such a joke to me. Starscream would comfort me from this very thing, of all things he'd understand, it'd be this. and yet I can't bring myself to believe he would want to give me love and affection anymore, not when the person who betrayed me made me believe so wholeheartedly that I'm not worthy of it.

I really want to believe that he wouldn't hurt me just because someone else ordered him to. I never used to doubt his love for me, now i feel like that's the only thing I know how to do. I miss him so much and I know he's still in me somewhere, I know his love is still pure and unconditional for me, I just don't know how to feel it again. I don't know how to heal yet, everything hurts so bad so constantly. But it is very comforting to read your words, to know that he'd... understand how I'm feeling.

He was scared too. He was so scared in season 3 and the movie, he wasn't himself. He was... so unlike himself, to the point where I couldn't bear to watch it at all, I have always avoided s3 + the movie like the plague because seeing him in so much distress made me feel so sad. He was such a broken, fragile mess, just like me now. I'm not myself anymore either. I hate myself now, I never used to hate myself before. I feel so unworthy and like I can't be strong enough. Starscream felt this way too. For so long, I wanted to be there for him when he felt this way. Now I hope one day I can imagine him truly being here for me too. I really don't know what to do without him. It's so lonely and empty without him, I need him now more than ever. I just really hope and pray that when my ptsd feels less severe, when the triggers stop feeling as severe, my mind will make more room for joy and make more room for my TFP F/Os again.

#anonymous #asks #keepsake #anon you helped me so much last night. thank you so much #you were the only one who reached out. to my inbox like this at least #it was late on a sunday night at like 4am so i really didnt expect anyone to hear me #but you did and you took the time to type this and it brought me some comfort #i cant tell you how badly ive needed support for 9 months now ive been so alone #thank you for helping me feel heard and seen #i know its so silly because starscream is fictional #but i really really need him. i need my f/os. and being scared of them is such a horrible feeling #i want to overcome this and become stronger. for him!!! for my starlight #even if i lose everything else and if i can never love anyone else again #i just want starscream back

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wisemins · 1 month

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🌧️Rain, ☄️Comet, and 🌈Rainbow for the S/I ask game! (@proton-selfships)

Hiya!!! TYSM FOR THE ASK <333

curveball lore for this one! A canon i have yet to talk about! Myself in The B.ear! (F/os there being Carmy and Richie! Separately ofc)

🌧️Rain: What was the saddest moment in your lore for you/your self-insert? Who in canon knows about it?

Probably when I quit working at The Beef (before it became The B.ear) suddenly due to the pressure.

I felt suddenly unimportant, disregarded, and overwhelmed and I just up and left, it was a whole ordeal, lots of crying. The pressure was just too much, and despite beginning to learn so much and being pushed out of my comfort zone to become a real chef, it just broke me, I knew I wasn't cut out for it like the rest of the kitchen was. It was also interpersonal stuff too, in both canons with both my boys, this would be a real struggle era for us all in terms of romance and I had lost hope in reciprocation and felt frustrated with myself for believing that I could be with them.

After the fact, things got resolved. I would talk it over with them after they realized like, ah shit maybe I was a big dick munch about things (which is funny cus, once again, this applies to both SOMEHOW), and they apologized, so did I. In both canons they talk me back into coming to work with them again, saying how it wouldn't be the same without me on board, and instead of cooking/prepping/chef-ing up a storm, I wanted to provide hospitality instead with Richie.

It was less pressure to me, and I could preserve a lot of my relationship with Carm since I wouldn't be in the kitchen where there's a chance I could be yelled at in one of his more mentally ill moments. (I love that man but he needs therapy!) In the end of both ordeals in each canon, I do end up with my boys romantically since it all put it into perspective on how they didn't want to lose me and I didn't want to lose them.

And who knows about it? Everyone in that kitchen and Carm's family. I tried not to make a big show out of it, but Richie has a big, sensitive mouth, and he will talk about shit when it's bothering him on volume 100. So yeah!

☄️Comet: What was a moment where you/your self-insert really shined? This can be a badass moment, a moment where you felt important to the overall lore, or just a really cool and important moment!

When Richie and I got sent to that really upscale and high profile restaurant to improve, and it ended up being a life-changing realization on Richie's end, and a real lesson on mine that I also did have purpose and meaning and a place with our crew. I learned so much about hospitality and the ins and outs of exquisite eatery, Richie and I got into a groove and we really succeeded after a while, it was a very special moment for us individually and shared! Even during the tense and high pressure moments, I finally didn't choke and went through with my tasks with newfound ease and way less trepidation.

I was also extremely proud of Richie, and I made sure he knew that. And what was really unexpected on my end is that he expressed how proud he was of me individually, and it really changed things. I definitely cried, they were good tears though!

🌈Rainbow: What was the happiest moment in your lore for you/your self-insert? Who all shared that happiness with you in canon?

When we all found the money that Mikey (Carm's brother) left for us. It was a huge win for everyone, and we all shared a really beautiful moment in realizing what was next for the restaurant. I definitely cried in realizing what Mikey had done for all of us, since he was like a big brother to me. Knowing that things were going to be okay for a while was comforting, and seeing the collective sigh of relief was like nothing we've ever had before.

But also when my boys confessed to me would be another great happy moment! It was comforting to know that after all the shit we had gone through, and all of the scares we've had, that we still ended up together.

So yeah!! Lots of crying basically but really amazing moments too-- but I'm a rather sensitive person so it's no wonder! But I really enjoyed lore-dumping about this, thank you for the ask!!

The ask game in question!

#starshine asks #❤️: Parm 4 Carm #❤️: One day I am gonna grow wings #❤️: When I come around

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huntinglove · 5 months

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Hoi!

duality - how long have you known your f/o? how long have they been an f/o for you?

symbols - what’s a popular misconception about your f/o?

the light at the end of the tunnel - how many times have you watched/played/read/listened to your f/o’s source? even if it’s just the parts with them in it :)

For Tokoyami?

-@redwingedwolves

Hi hi!! Thank you so much for the ask!!

Duality - How long have you known your F/O? how long have they been an F/O for you?

I met him around 2020! But it took me a few months to actually F/O him!

Symbols - What’s a popular misconception about your F/O?

A lot of people usually undermine him because he's technically not one of the main main characters...

It's a bit disappointing, but I'm glad some artists and writers give him the attention he deserves!

The Light At The End Of The Tunnel - How many times have you watched/played/read/listened to your F/O's source? Even if it’s just the parts with them in it

If I'm being honest, I really need to catch up to MHA, I stopped around the time one of my F/Os was in a tough spot...

I'm still a bit scared to watch it but I'll get to it eventually... Probably

#✯ lovely asks #❥ my lord of darkness

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lex-n-weegie · 2 years

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Ya know what late night rambles because I haven't been able to sleep much these past 3 nights

Lately I've been like. Obsessed with imagining my Mario f/os and Security Breach f/os interacting with each other, mostly my romo and qp ones

Since I like to consider Luigi and Sunny(&Moon) my "main" f/os from each group, I like to imagine Sunny being super excited to meet Weegee and doing his best to be kind and even impress him, but poor Luigi would probably be so scared for awhile and would have to warm up to him fjsnxk (they'd get along tho, Luigi has a ghost doggo! He can get used to some scary stuff after awhile, he just needs time)

Peach and Sun/Moon would totally team up to be the parents of the group, scolding Monty and Waluigi them when they do wrong and always have snacks for them

Also (thanks partially to Lunie my Jestie) you can't convince me Waluigi and Moon would be like. Surprisingly close. Like at first you'd have Moon taunting Waluigi and him getting angry so you're thinking like "oh they're gonna hate each other oh God." But like. No. They're prank buddies. They're both gonna scare the crap out of you for laughs and just hang out casually. They'll tell you how much they hate the other but you know they're lying because they're almost like brothers

Also Monty would have a super soft spot for Peach and you can't tell me otherwise. She's delt with Bowser so she knows how to deal with an angry reptile. She can calm him down or make him back down from something so fast he gets whiplash. He'd just end up hanging around her because he'd find her really rad

I also like thinking about the s/is interacting but I've rambled enough lol

#lexi rambles #green warrior #purple rose #peachy pal #lit up my world #singing in the moonlight #rockin my heart

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pixelated-hopelessromantic · 1 year

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Ok so my simp ass is currently hyperfixating on one of my f/os (Dragon Chan specifically in this case), why? I have no idea but aaaaaa💕-

So here's some things my mind decided will happen while manipulative daydreaming/sleeping (under the cut)

I will try to make it so the ideas are inclusive to any other simps but a few were kinda specific to things i have so with those i really can't...

Touch starved af, loves to cuddle (in private), hug, kiss, nuzzle, ext. with his partner

If his partner allows him to, he likes to sleep with his head on their chest. He just likes listening to his partner's heartbeat

^ Though he does not mind his partner being on his chest either. Either or works for him.

He doesn't strike me as someone who would randomly show signs of affection in public without reason. Though he will stay close to his s/o and hold their hand/do the one finger intertwined thing (is it to not accidentally loose his s/o or is it just because he wants to? The world may never know)

On the other hand i can see him being protective af

If his s/o is shorter than him, he loves to kiss their forehead

^ He actually loves his forehead being kissed as well but refuses to admit that

Loves his cheeks being gently held, one way to make him melt instantly.

^ Kiss his forehead he's flustered instantly, he loves it but is instantly flustered

He's... Shockingly easy to fluster (/make blush) tbh. Like you just got to tell him you love him (doesn't matter if you're in the beginning of the relationship or not, you could be together for multiple years and he still will blush at that) and he's blushing slightly

He hides his face with anything he can (his s/o's clothes, his own clothes, his hands, litterally anything he can) when flustered

^ to make him more flustered make him look at you and kiss his nose/cheek quickly. Ngl it was cute AF when i did it

Absolutely cooks traditional foods for his s/o

^ Ngl i personally can see him as a good cook

Absolutely seeing/being around Hoy is a regular thing

Sleeping in the same bed as him involved limbs (and blankets tbh) being tangled, he's warm though so blankets aren't needed in most occasions

He does kick in his sleep btw, and is aware of it so he refuses to be little spoon if you prefer to cuddle like that

^ He's flexible with cuddling positions

Speaking of flexible... He's shockingly flexible himself like mf can probably twist his whole body around if he wanted to

^ scared tf outta me when he did that once, i thought he was gonna beak a bone or something. He didn't btw and was fine but wtf -

Absolutely gets his s/o front row tickets to his boxing matches

If his s/o is shy/introverted/doesn't like spotlight on them (like me) in interviews (aired on tv/online or not) he won't bring up his s/o specifically to their request, but he may imply here and there (if necessary) that he IS taken

^ If you're not on the other hand he'll just at out say he has a girlfriend/boyfriend/partner/(whatever you identify as/want to be called).

He does treat his partner like royalty

He does have nicknames for his s/o as well, some including: "My treasure", "My jewel", "Love", "Honey", and of course some Cantonese names (your pick on those ones/any other names)

Will absolutely compliment his s/o in Cantonese, mainly when he's sleepy tbh but occasionally he's not and is just in a lovey dovey mood. Either way more times than not his s/o can tell what he's saying from him being so close and occasionally nuzzling them

Ok here's some stuff that really only involved me as a person (but who knows maybe some of y'all relate to this stuff too, if so feel free to add yourself in these)

Ok i personally have naturally curly hair, of course leading me to use products that are FOR curly hair specifically. Long story short he accidentally used those products for his straight hair and it became unusually fluffy/poofy

^ He was confused af and I was too until I realized he used my shampoo and conditioner

He actually loves the fact that i have tattoos. Though he found out by accident when we first started dating, and i forgot to mention them

^ let's just say he was freaking out why a part of my thigh was green (i was wearing ripped jeans that let the tattoo kinda peek through for context. Oh and my tattoo on my thigh is colored for double context) until i had to explain

^^ he instantly started asking me questions about what it was like/how it heals/ext. since he doesn't have any tattoos.

I'm an artist (traditional and digital), he loves just hugging me from behind (his hands usually resting on my stomach or hips/thighs) and cuddling with his head on my shoulder just watching me do whatever i was doing

^ he does the same thing if I'm playing video games. If it's a two player game we'll still sit like that, he's just holding a controller now. He regularly has to look at the controller to see what button to push

I can see Dragon hating haunted house because he's jumpy af when scared. Me on the other hand (also jumpy when genuinely scared but not to his extent) will make jokes going around/talk casually with the actors. Yeah I dragged him to a haunted house for a date night. We both had fun but he was CLINGING onto me the whole time through.

^ I happened to choose the specific haunt i worked in (which he didn't know until afterwards... Shockingly despite the owner coming out, greeting me casually, and letting us in themself) of course the actors knows I am (many calling me "Banshee" and mainly addressing to me... To Dragon's confusion) and starts following us, I was telling them to come along for the ride... Dragon on the other hand was OUT and RUNNING while taking me with him, telling me to stop letting them follow us, and me laughing from amusement.

^^ Don't get me wrong they did get me two but i tend to laugh after being scared, i bounce back to amusement as fast as i get scared

There was absolutely some cultural differences between both of us, of course he's from China and I'm from the middle of nowhere in the US

^ of course we learn from each other's cultures from each other.

Did he know i knew how to use chopsticks, nope. Am i a pro at it? Absolutely not nor am I gonna pretend that I am, i struggle a lot actually, but i know how to use them... kinda. But the slightly surprised look on his face seeing me already know how to use them (kinda, clearly a beginner but still) was funny.

^ He would help using better methods of using them tho

#pixel rambles #f/o ramblings #super punch out #dragon chan #punch out #punch out!!#punch-out!!

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starseverance · 1 year

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1 and 10

(I’m a sucker for f/os taking care of of their partners)

Oooh, both of these are going to be so fun to answer! They'll definitely get long though, so answers will be under the cut!

Ask game link for those who wish to send me more asks! (Please do! I love asks!)

1 -> You’ve fallen ill! How do your F/O’s take care of you? Do they each have different ways of approaching the issue? Do they argue over whose methods are better? How does it play out?

When I'm sick I tend to deny it and try to keep going as usual (it's a family thing, and something I'm working on unlearning,) which often leads to it getting worse before it gets better.

💫 knows me very well and surely tries to encourage me to rest, I most likely don't listen. I don't listen to her as much as I should.

I'm 99% sure that unless my sickness directly affected my ability to do whatever it is he wants me to do, 🪙 would not care. 🪙 would definitely encourage my unhealthy tendency to "tough it out" even if I need rest, because that's what he has always done.💫 is a lot like that too in terms of toughing it out, but that's just for her, that doesn't apply to me.

The two of them would definitely get into an argument over it. They're both workaholics to an unhealthy degree, but the difference lies in how much they care for me.🪙 would argue that I clearly don't want to take it easy (not that he would care.) 💫 would point out that what I want isn't always what's best for me, and that if I don't rest, I'll feel worse.

I don't even know what I'd do. Tbh their arguing would probably just upset me, and I'd feel guilty not listening to either of them... Eventually I think 💫 would trick me into taking a nap.

10 -> You’re stuck at a cabin in the woods. There’s a murderer on the loose. How do your F/Os handle the situation? Is the murderer perhaps one of your F/Os?

To begin, I'd be terrified. Perhaps not even because of the murderer, I'm scared of so many random and sometimes irrational things. As confident as I'd feel being protected by BOTH of my F/Os, I'd still be afraid.

🪙is incredibly arrogant- but he does have the personal power necessary to back it up. It's unlikely he'd see said murderer as a threat... but let's say he did, that makes it more interesting. 💫is more realistic. Despite his formidable martial skill, he'd be concerned for both my safety and his own (he doesn't care for 🪙 much lol.)

Despite their differences, both are quite tactically minded. While 🪙 is more inclined to be on the defensive when facing a potential threat of unknown capabilities, 💫 is more inclined to hunt them down and make the first strike. They would agree to set up a number of traps in the cabin, combining their talents to do so. 🪙and I would barricade ourselves in the most secure room in the cabin, while 💫 would hide near the various traps to attempt to pick the murderer off while they were weak.

I'd be worried sick about her, especially how I know she'd put herself in danger to keep me safe... Gods, yeah. She knows that 🪙 could protect me if she wasn't around to do it... and that he makes me happy. 🪙wouldn't get how I'd feel, but I wouldn't expect him to. But I have faith in 💫, he didn't get where he did in life by not being good at what he does. Doesn't stop me from worrying though- hah, I guess that's how you know you really care for someone...

#f/o: YN1IPC #f/o: insert special tag name here #ask game #f/o ask game #proship safe #this got angsty quick #sev's thoughts #asks #ask answers #ask game answers

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yaffles-world · 2 years

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Hi! I feel like this was more statement/fact question based rather then the previous stronger leaning imaginary style asks- I had fun! A nice change of pace hehe.

Romantic F/O - Spike Spiegel

rose - how many brain cells would you estimate there are between you and your f/o?

20. Shared completely. All or nothing or some sort of mix who knows. It's a hazard :D

anemone - in ten words or less, describe the dynamic between you and your f/o.

Loving couple who exist on spectrum of cool - organised - stupid

dahlia - what song and/or song lyric do you most associate with your f/o?

Money - the drums. Particularly funny story, I was making a playlist of songs thatI relate to Spike in some way, and spotify auto suggested this based on songs already in the playlist, and i was like "SORCERY" because I'd never heard it before and it was so Spike. Basically, it's about a guy who makes a mistake and wants to make up for it but feels like he can't because he's broke which is a Big thing with Spike, to learn he doesn't need money. Also the vibe of the song fits.

tulip - go to your f/o's wiki page and quote your favorite part of it.

That's a DANGEROUS GAME

buttercup - give an incorrect quote of you and your f/o.

So full disclosure I just looked at the incorrect quote tag on Tumblr idk hehe

Me: You're late.

Spike: You're handsome

Me:... You're forgiven.

marigold - what is your favorite picture, video, and/or moment of your f/o?

Anyone paying attention to the canon of our relationship will remember this - either the one of him asleep in the car with his flower crown or when he's sleeping in bed with Sunny our cat on his chest :D

orchid - is your f/o also your favorite character from their respective media, or is it someone else?

Yeah he is! He's also the main character - it's very unusual for me to like the main character the most hehe. Jet is a close second but Spike is leading, definitely.

sunflower - do you make fun of or tease your f/o a lot, or can you not bring yourself to be lovingly mean to them?

I'm not usually a making fun of kind of person but yes absolutely. He can take it, and he needs it hehe. Plus he gives as good as he gets. And sometimes that goes too far but it all just ends in cuddles so… :D

zinnia - how often do you think about your f/o? do they live in your head rent free or do you not think about them for months on end before suddenly hyperfixating on them nonstop for a week?

I haven't really had a proper f/o before so I'm not sure. But judging from previous fixations he shall reappear at random hehe. At the moment, it's rent free in my head :D. With the few other f/os that weren't as intense it's like "oh hi" talk for a few minutes then they go again for a day or so...so who knows hehe.

lily - what would you say is the color scheme of you and your f/o?

Purple and blue

hydrangea - list your full playlist for your f/o.

Uh? https://open.spotify.com/playlist/5tm1odu3YnqayeTItmcJCz?si=Z1-x4LTBRj-Mik_arT0sJw&utm_source=copy-link

iris - does your self insert for your f/os source material have a detailed and complex story and character arc, or are they just kinda vibing?

My self insert is kinda just me but adapted to fit in a mix AU between our world and Spike's. I'm sorta just making stuff up as I go along - since it's just me, I make stuff up as I go along and its relevant hehe like being friends with Jet, how I met Spike, etc. So basically just vibing haha

peony - how many images, gifs, and videos of your f/o do you have saved to your gallery?

Only 27 because I'm too scared to google him cos spoilers. Thanks irummna for 12 of those :D

#spike spiegel my baby #romantic f/o #f/o #ask game #reblog game #romantic f/o ask game

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the-silent-hashira · 11 months

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entomologists and newlove

im gonna answer this for a few of my f/os since im feeling v affectionate

Entomologists: Does your F/O like bugs. That’s it that’s the question.

Kyojuro is ok with bugs. he doesnt hate them, but he isnt about to go out of his way to seek them out. he likes fireflies and grasshoppers and cicadas, and has gifted me cicada shells since i think theyre neat!

Sanemi really likes beetles!! he has a pet rhinoceros beetle and will often capture bugs to try and scare me with them. it doesnt work because i like them, except for spiders, which hes terrified of as well.

Gyomei doesnt mind them, but he doesn't particularly like them. theyre a natural part of the world, and have every right to exist as any other creature. (except demons)

Lucifer enjoys preying mantis, grasshoppers, crickets, and beetles. he knows i also enjoy bugs, and will often find rare ones to gift me.

Newlove: How did it feel like for you to love your F/O at first?

for Kyojuro it was relatively slow. it became an 'oh no. OH NO. OH NO' sort of situation, and i couldnt stop thinking about him suddenly. every time i saw him my heart would start racing just a bit and i couldnt stop smiling, and id want to keep interacting with him and spend as much time as possible with him. he felt like a warm fire in the center of my chest.

for Sanemi it was more like i was staring at a man who i needed to pick apart like he was a 1000 piece puzzle. he had so much to him, he seemed so complex and i love a man who i can dig my claws into ever so sweetly and peel him like an orange. i needed to know him. and the more i knew, the deeper i got, and the more i realized i was never going to take my claws out.

Gyomei? low, slow, carefully. i didnt think id love someone like him. it felt like i was just becoming friends with someone, and finding more and more things that made me feel safe and secure with him. i felt like i could just exist with him, and it just kind of became mutual feelings that we quietly accepted from each other, which is why my tag for him is 'finding nirvana'.

Lucifer was like being hit by a truck lmao. i dont remember exactly how i felt initially, but it definitely felt like i was being grabbed and slapped in the face with my feelings for him, completely and utterly head over heels with no chance to catch my breath. it was immediate and overwhelming and i dont think i could ever lose that feeling its just as intense now as it was then.

#📬 an offering of blood || ask/submission #🍠 umai! || kyojuro #🎐 hurricane fueled || sanemi #📿 finding nirvana || gyomei #🍎 apple of my eye || lucifer #thank u for sending me this :DD #i needed to gush a lil hehehe

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frecklystars · 2 months

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I don’t know how to phrase how I’m feeling but I need to vent rly badly 😭 sorry I’ll delete this later

Dude I’ve been bad the last few days like rly fucking bad. I am so unbearably lonely even though I’m talking to people and hanging out with friends at least once a week.

My suicidal thoughts have been getting worse. I didn’t have them for a couple of months but now it’s like the last four days it’s been nonstop. I’m self harming again and every time I do it I just keep thinking of how disappointed my f/os would be in me. Especially Ken. Which is stupid bc I know he isn’t real but I just keep thinking like… my whole life nobody has physically been here to hold me when I’m hurting and I feel like Ken especially who has never seen human blood before in his life would suddenly be scared of me or just. hate me altogether. Or colt. God the movie isn’t even out and I can’t look at colt without immediately feeling such a horrible ache in my chest like there is no way he’d love me and tolerate how sad I get

I have cried seven times at work in the last four hours today, what the fuck. I just feel like I’m not even a person, like… the world is full of people who are living and breathing but I feel like a shell. I am so miserable and lonely and I don’t know how to fix that. And I’ll tell my family that I’m like, starting to plan how I’d off myself and they’re like :) oh well whatever. And I’m like oh ok. My dad isn’t even home anymore he’s in Vegas and he’s only home maybe 10 days out of 365 days this year. I’ll tell him how bad I’m doing and he just. does not register or he does not care. it is just me alone in this empty house with my dog

And I’m so tired of being the only one initiating hangouts with my friends but if I stop initiating hangouts then ppl are gonna not hang out with me. y’know. Like I am immediately forgotten or brushed aside. My friends do not think about me the way I think about them, and like! I get it! That’s ok!! That’s how life goes. I am not remarkable and that’s ok! I am not built to be a remarkable person I have always spent my entire life completely alone and that’s. ok . but it has been hurting really bad like way worse than usual lately. I remember being five years old and telling myself “something is wrong with me because my parents don’t hug me the way other kids parents hug them” and like ots just been constant for years and years. There is something wrong with me for my parents to not interact with their child even once in their life and there is something wrong with me where every person I interact with only wants me around bc I can draw them something or, back when I made more money, I would pay for us to go out to eat every week. But like the second I can’t draw or don’t have money it’s like I do not exist

and I don’t know how to fix my brain to be okay with this again. I am always crying or hurting myself and I can’t even function at work today. I don’t want to sit here and mourn a family I will never have. I don’t want to sit here and tell myself I wish I had friends to come over and watch movies with bc like… that’s just making me sad. I don’t want to sit here and ache anymore but I’ve been self harming and crying every night now and I don’t know how to fix myself

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rosesloveletters · 2 years

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Hi darling ❤️ how have you been? You said this month's been a lot so I'm just checking in to see you're hanging in there 🍂 remember that you're important to a lot of people and your f/os love you endlessly <3 I've been trying to make a soft landing back into uni for myself and so far it's been alright. My schedule is bearable and I love the fact that it's gonna remain unchanged all the way to next year's January. I've only gone out once with my uni friends, to see a play at a theatre and it's been wonderful. I feel like with everything that's been going on lately I've had to take a lot more time for myself to be able to function but it's felt really good.

I'm so glad I got back to horse riding, it's become such a highlight of every week and it makes me happy. I'm gonna be taking part in a dressage competition (just for the roders at the stable, nothing too fancy) next week and I'm both excited and scared. I've watched hours of dressage, trying to prepare myself somehow, maybe. Cowboy's been a champ about all this - bless the man for that, he's absolutely clueless about english riding - he's watched all my lessons and given me feedback (it's mostly him saying everything I did on the horse was amazing and me giving him a reality-check that everything I did was not, in fact, perfect).

I hope the rest of your week'll be kind on your soul, you deserve it 🤍✨

Hi, Magda✨❤️ How have you been doing? I hope all is well with you; I've been thinking of you and sending good vibes your way.

I've been handling it as best as I can. I made a post about it on IG, but last month one of our family cats passed away completely out of the blue and the details of which were very traumatic. That, amongst other things, have soured my mood these past few weeks. I've also just been incredibly busy with work and things happening in my personal life that I've just not had a whole lot of down time.

Thank you for checking on me; it means a lot to me❤️ You're very sweet to say that and I hope you remember and know how important you are to me, to others, your f/os and all whom you meet.

That's great to hear that uni has been going okay for you so far and I hope it continues on that way as the semester goes on. That's wonderful that you've had an easy transition with classes and that you'll have the same ones until January. It's so nice to not have to worry about things changing too soon. Yes, you should definitely take all of the time that you need and give yourself plenty of space to choose what you want to do, when, how soon, etc. I hope that you had fun seeing that play with your friends❤️ That sounds lovely! I know you've told me you've had a rather rough time this year and I'm so relieved to know you're doing much better now and giving yourself the time and space to function how you and your body needs❤️

I'm happy you've gotten back into horse riding too! It sounds like it would be so much fun and it seems to make you very happy and helps you connect with your f/os since some of them love doing that as well! Ooh that competition sounds like so much fun!! Just remember that it's only a friendly competition and to have as much fun with it as possible. Take it easy and just focus on how much fun you'll have, since horse riding is something you love to do❤️ Oh my goodness, well, I'm happy that your Cowboy is being so supportive of you! Take it all in, darling, and let him in to be there and to support you in this. He is so proud of you an so am I! All you can do is practice and then do your best in the competition and that's all the matters. I know you'll do well with it! You're already a capable rider from what you've told me and as long as you're having fun then it'll definitely be a memorable experience and you'll be very glad you did it❤️❤️

Thank you for your support, darling! I love you and hope you have a great time at the competition. I'll be sending good vibes your way that you'll do well and enjoy yourself❤️❤️

#✨magical magda✨#💌 mutuals #💌#self-shipping #tw: death mention #tw: death #tw: animal death

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1ddiscourseoftheday · 3 years

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Fri 28 May ‘21

Zayn’s rap EP??? Dropped yesterday???!? “Breaking my silence” says Zayn on Yellow Metal- Cathartic (Zayn is Yellow Metal here) and he DOES in 24 minutes of political, personal, complex and lyrically dense rap zoems! It was leaked/dropped whatever you wanna call it by being posted to Z’s cousin’s account (like the cover the other day); but clearly Zayn is behind these drops and that’s what matters, he is releasing this stuff in a way that will get to the fans but not inspire the media uproar (or contract issues) that posting to his own accounts would. As he says “don’t say I can’t communicate, you know I conversate with you in several different ways”, plus “I’ve had enough of being my own enemy, come a long way since 17, I have a few things to say when I get up on a microphone, I didn’t give up on fame I need this time like therapy it’s just to keep me sane… and to be honest it’s offensive, offensive to my still open wounds, trying to ask me questions they know they don’t have I ever replied, I prefer to sit down be online and respond to fanart,” I LOVE THAT. And the political content?! “What a family needs, and the planet bleeds, the damaged trees, it's never leaving to a real sense so FUCK THE FEDS” (or fuck the fence, not clear, either way, YES ZAYN!), “the snake that’s called Biden, none of them abiding by what they put in writing we should be used to it by now say whatever for the vote and then just chose another route say they’ll never kill another unless that brother’s skin is brown” and “been facing the racists back when I was a kid...kicked me out of the schools, they had a problem with me and the kids that would call me paki still sit in the classroom chilling, and now that I’m older I see they treat us different, got me thinking I was the problem cuz they never dealt with those issues, 20 years later I’m still in the same boat, tryna treat me like my grandpa, say I came up off the boat, came to tell you what I stand for, man I think this shit’s a joke. How can I be civil, when they got me by the throat, ‘Boy your skin is so light’, ok motherfucker take my name up on a flight, try to convince immigration that your bloodline’s half white, my name ain’t on the list unless they label it ethnic.” HELL YEAH ZAYN. PLUS: “never lose me to fentanyl, scared when I take a benadryl,” not gonna lie I LOVE to see this GOOD good good, "just became a dad so now I’m taking all the checks" HA yes get it, "trying to be a better person than the world deserves to see," and, “with a cigarette, sun coming up, write my thoughts on the internet, feeling deep, I'm just bored with the silhouette, get fucked up for the thrill of it,” “I’m just here for the rap then I’m leaving.” AND SO MUCH MORE all in Zayn’s excellent voice and accent, a GIFT that’ll take much more than a day to really unpack and appreciate!

And happy 28th, Louis is writing music! Looks like he is working with producer team Rick Parkhouse and George Tizzard in London (they call themselves Red Triangle Productions and put out music as SuperHi)- they posted a studio picture and tagged Louis. He’s just visible in the booth, singing. Also present- writer/ musician, Paul Whalley and songwriter Robert Harvey (The Music, The Streets) who were both posted and tagged Louis in as well. Louis followed Harvey. Hell yeah, what a line up! Not only that, Jamie Hartman answered a ProjectKMM participant’s question about other songs with Louis-- are they still working on new stuff? He says “I’m sure Louis has been working on new songs with lots of people!” [as we see, yes] “But yes we have done some too- who knows what will make the next album but he’s a top man and I would always write and hang w LT.”

Harry won Best Lyrics for Adore You at the iHeart Awards and Best Cover Song for Juice but failed to take the Artist of the Year or Song of the Year Categories, but more exciting than that- he’s listed as the Director of a new cosmetics and perfume company!!! People have been speculated about him doing something with Gucci Beauty for a long time now (he’s been noted to use their cosmetics, and definitely models their nail polish), and he has of course done perfume ads for them- there’s speculation that this could be for something with them, or it could just be a new thing of his very own. Well the Harry Styles palette would be a damn hit and we all know it, bring it on!

Anne Marie’s Big Weekend performance aired today and yes! She did Our Song with Niall! It’s the performance they recorded last week or so that we saw the pics from, yay first time getting to see them play it, but it was very quickly followed by the next time as their Jonathan Ross show performance also aired! And in case you’re sad about Niall’s previous promo buddies being replaced, there’s no need for that, he’s only adding to the pack; he tweeted Julia Michaels just today, “love ya hules” AWWW. He posted a bunch of cute OS video bts pics too, followed Oprah Winfrey and said he’d like to go to space and that he “would have liked to have been” a godfather to a 1D boy’s baby but “maybe the next one.”

Meanwhile Liam is looking at the fanart submissions he asked for- he retweeted a terrific drawing of himself laughing and said “this is amazing!” and liked a couple of other art posts. Feels like it’s about time for a monthly Liam catch up video, perhaps? Something else to look forward to!

#zayn #yellow metal #louis tomlinson #harry styles #femme harry rise!!#liam payne #anne marie #28 may 21 #ZAYNN!!!! from least likely to spill the dirt to just DOING IT just like that #LOVE HIM #appreciate him and his relationship with the fans so much

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dark-eyes-under-the-golden-sky · 2 years

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Hey people, uh announcement, I’m going to be adding he/him pronouns to my bio... yeah I’ll be going by he/him, they/them, she/her for now. Again we’ll see how that changes with time, but please bear with me for this! I also haven’t really found any label that really fits yet (apart from nonbinary I guess), so please be patient with me on that as well!

Under the cut, I’ll be talking about how I feel about my gender lately, if that makes you uncomfortable, please feel free to skip!

Before I start, I just want to put a disclaimer. These are my thoughts about how I personally feel regarding (hyper) femininity. There’s nothing wrong with liking feminine things, regardless of your gender. Again, below are just my own personal feelings.

Ok so uh... I’ve done a lot of thinking these past few days (when really I should’ve focused on my papers...) and I think I’ve come to realize that I don’t identify as a girl/woman... It’s been a pretty surreal experience if I’m being honest because on the one hand, it makes so much sense! Doing hyper-feminine things has always made me super insecure. I always thought that well, I just needed to be more confident in my body (I’m chubby and I’ve experienced a lot of fatphobia in my life, so I definitely thought my insecurities were all weight related). I still love some traditionally feminine things like wearing skirt and dresses, the colour pink, collecting cute stuff like Sanrio plushies, etc... but I’ve come to realize that wearing tight clothes that show off my body or wearing a lot of makeup make me insecure because that's not the way I want to present. I’m not a woman and I honestly wish I could present in a more masculine/androgynous way. I like being called typically masculine names (handsome is like peak compliment ngl... been imagining my f/os calling me that a lot for the past like... 6 months ashdjjfkdj), and I like being referred to as he/him or they/them more than I like being referred to as she/her. I also maybe plan on getting a binder once I move out and get my own apartment in a few months.

On the other hand, I’m low-key terrified... I don't want to have to come out to my friends for the third time... I’m so scared that at that point they're going to think that I’m faking it... Plus there is no way I can ever socially or medically transition if I wish to do so in the future. My parents... well they love me and I love them, but I don’t think they would accept it. And if I were to come out to people irl (except for like my close friends), I could never lend a job in my preferred field. I basically have to go stealth for the rest of my life.

Anyways, if you made it this far, thanks for reading, I hope I made sense, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night!

#a speaks #there's a bit of venting under the cut as well so be warned

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theoreticslut · 4 years

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The Truth that You Deny // Part 2

pairing: fred weasley x reader x george weasley

word count: 2, 442

warnings: drinking?? nothing much more than that

A/N: here’s part 2!! I’m so glad you guys are liking this so far :) I haven’t written in a while so it makes me so happy to see people still like it a bit. anyways, i still have a few more parts to this so let me know if you’re liking it and if you’d like to be added to a taglist for it.

taglist - @justmesadgirl @xuckduck @yikesyikesyikes95 @filipi-yes @aestheticwh0r3 @siredkai

you can find part 1 here!

The next couple weeks are more than awkward between the three of you and everyone is starting to pick up on it, but none of them dare ask anything in fear it’ll make whatever is going on worse.

Truthfully, the twins were still acting like themselves around everyone - they were laughing and joking and just as vibrant as they had been before - but it was how silent you had become that created the tension amongst everyone. It was like you to be quieter than the rest of your group of friends, but you had never been as disconnected from the group as you have been lately.

Granted, you were stuck inside your own head analyzing your thoughts and emotions towards the twins and trying to figure out if you did like them or not. Deep down you know the answer, but you don’t want to admit it to yourself yet because once you do that unleashes a whole new set of problems.

“Y/n!” Lee nearly shouts, snapping his fingers in front of your face.

“What, Lee?!” You snap a bit, not knowing why he’s raised his voice to you.

“Have you heard anything we just said?” He asks, the rest of your friends looking at you.

You stare back at him and then look around the group for any kind of clue yet you find none.

“N-no. I guess not.” You sigh.

“I’m sorry. What were you guys talking about?” You ask, glancing over everyone but settling your attention on Stephanie.

“There’s a party tonight and we wanted to check and see what everyone thought about it.” Fred says as you turn your attention towards him.

“What about it?” You ask, not sure what they’re looking for.

“Like if you wanted to go? If so, when you wanted to go, et cetra”

“Uh, yeah. Sure. I’d like to go. Who’s throwing it?”

“Ravenclaws.”

“Okay. Uh, yeah. I’ll be there.” You say, giving a small smile to try to give the illusion that you’re totally not lost inside your own head.

He nods and looks back around the group to get everyone’s final opinion.

~.~

“Hey, beautiful. How are you doing?” Steph asks as she walks into your dorm.

“Fine. I’m just trying to get ready for the party. What do you think of that dress on the bed there?”

“The white one?”

“Yeah. Do you think it’ll be too much?”

“I don’t think so. If it is then at least you know you’re the best dressed, yeah?”

“I guess so.” You chuckle as you finish applying your lashes.

“Look, y/n, I don’t know if this is really the cause of why you’ve been acting so disconnected lately....but I’m sorry for pushing you about liking Fred and George. I...It’s none of my business and I should have stayed out of it.” Steph apologizes as she sits down on your bed, wringing her hands together.

“No, you were right. I mean you shouldn’t have pushed it so hard, but I...well, I do like them. I didn’t want to admit it to myself because it just makes everything more difficult, but you were right.” You sigh, walking over to sit next to her.

“I’m still sorry. It was none of my business, but what are you going to do now that you admitted it?”

You sit there for a minute thinking about it before you reply.

“Get plastered tonight and hopefully forget about all of it. You?”

“Maybe not get plastered, but get drunk and just have fun.” She laughs.

~.~

“You ready? Everyone else is already inside.” Steph asks as you both click your way to the ravenclaw house entrance.

“Ready as I’ll ever be.” You smile as she gives the password to enter.

Once you do, you’re immediately encompassed by the sound of loud music and overlapping chatter broken apart by a few shouts from one person to another across the room. Besides the sheer volume of the room, you’re also hit by the smell of sweaty bodies, much too strong perfumes and cologne that have muddled together into one scent, and various different alcohols.

“Girl! Ugh, You look amazing.” Some 5th year hufflepuff girl compliments as you start to make your way through the room in search of the alcohol.

“Thanks. You too, beautiful!” You smile, admiring her pale yellow velvet bodycon she’s wearing with nude/clear wedges.

“Where can I find the alcohol?” You ask and nod as she points off into the room.

~.~

After a handful of shots taken with a few people hanging around the alcohol table, you find yourself dancing carefree. You honestly can’t remember the last time you’ve just let yourself go and have fun without worrying about the consequences or something else that you should be doing. You’re having an absolute banging time and are thoroughly enjoying yourself for once, which is being noticed by two of your friends across the room.

“Y/n seems to be having a lot of fun tonight.” George points out to his brother as they hang out on the outskirts of a crowd, Fred dancing along with them.

“Yeah, it does. It’s nice to see. It’s not like her to be so down like she has been.” Fred replies.

“I know. I’ve been wondering what’s on her mind. You don’t think we upset her do you?”

“Nah, I don’t think so. We pushed her, but I think whatever it was she’s been thinking about had been on her mind long before that.”

“Yeah. You’re probably right. I’m just glad to see she’s finally getting out of it.” George trails off as Fred nods in agreement, still dancing.

“She looks real nice tonight.” George points out.

“Yeah. She does.” Fred smiles, watching you as you dance with some 4th year ravenclaws and some of their friends both in their year from other houses as well as higher years they’ve met through older ravenclaw friends.

Neither of them could help but look you up and down multiple times throughout the night. You wore a bright white bodycon dress that falls just above the middle of your thighs. That alone is sexy enough, but you had to go even further in getting a dress that had a bit of a slit on the right side that was outlined with a string of crystals that hang over your thigh. Throughout the night, anyone could have found both Fred and George seeming to stare at your thighs, but really they were just in awe with the way the light caught the crystals as you moved. On top of that you wore nude heels that seemed to elongate your already gorgeous legs. Not to mention your makeup. You didn’t wear it often, but in the name of Merlin, you sure knew how to.

As the night progresses, you continue drinking anything and everything you can find that tastes decent enough. As you told Steph, you wanted to forget everything you’ve been thinking about for the last two weeks, and you were almost there.

Way too many drinks ago you found yourself starting to slur, yet you kept on drinking. You’ve started to get wobbly on your feet yet you’ve continued drinking. You’re honestly not sure if you even remember your name or where you are anymore, yet you’re stumbling your way to the alcohol table to get yet another drink.

“Having fun?” You hear someone ask.

You try to turn toward them, but the problem is you’re not quite sure which direction their voice came from.

Eventually you find two...wait four...nope, two red heads behind you.

“Y/n, are you having fun?” The other one asks and you nod even though their words have yet to fully register in your head.

“Y-yeah.” You hiccup. “Lots.”

“What in merlins name? Y/n...are you drunk?” Fred asks, watching as you sway in your spot which he’s positive you aren’t purposely doing.

“Drunk? Not even cl-ose.”

“For merlin’s sake, y/n.” George frowns, catching you as you start to lean too far forward.

“I don’t think we should let her drink anymore, Fred.” George says, taking your cup from you and setting it on the table behind you guys.

“No. No, we shouldn’t. In fact we should probably get her back to her dorm.”

“And how do you plan on doing that without getting caught? I don’t think y/n here is going to be very quiet.” George says as you’re rambling to yourself about one of the songs that just played.

“Uhm, I don’t know? Maybe we could cast muffliato around us?”

“It’s worth a shot.” George says as he picks you up bridal style instead of trying to guide you through the halls.

“Hey! I can walk myself.” You say, awfully slurred, as you try to work your way out of his arms.

He doesn’t budge, counteracting each of your movements and keeping you in his grip. Watching you try to stand still just now proves to him that there is no way to get you back to the gryffindor common room with you walking.

“Hey, you’re strong.” You say in regards to him fighting you and still holding you. “I don’t like it.”

George chuckles and shakes his head at you. You’ve never been drunk around them before, and not surprisingly they find it quite adorable. Sure you guys have had drinks together before, but you’ve never gotten drunk drunk.

“Alright, are you ready to go?” Fred asks having cast the spell.

“As ready as we can be.”

“Okay, well then let’s head out. Here’s hoping the charm works.”

“Your charm works.” You giggle as you wink at him.

He chuckles and shakes his head. Never in a million years did he expect y/n y/l/n to be a flirty drunk.

“Well, I know. Thank you.” Fred smiles, joking around.

“Welcome” you hiccup, following it with a burst of giggles.

“I don’t think drunk y/n knows how to be quiet.” George laughs. it’s such a contrast to your normal personality that he can’t help but laugh.

Normally you were pretty quiet. You knew how to speak up when needed, and were often quick to, but you were quiet the majority of the time. That’s not saying that you were insecure or scared, but that you knew how to listen. It’s impossible to count the amount of times the twins have come to you with one problem or another for you to listen and help them figure out a solution. They adored you for it and that’s part of the reason you three became such close friends. You were a voice of reason to their chaotic energies and in turn they were just the right amount of wild to get you out of your comfort zone.

The twins knew pretty early on into your friendship that you were more to them than just some casual friend. Hence why you’ve been over to the burrow at least twice a year since your second year of school. They loved having you around and when you weren’t, they could feel that something was missing.

They both loved you, even though neither of them were quite aware of that fact.

“We’re almost there.” Fred whispers. George nods, adjusting the way you’ve settled into his arms.

Even though you’re beyond drunk, George can’t help but admire the way you’ve curled into him. You’ve somehow twisted just enough that you’re facing him, your head resting on his shoulder.

“Okay, we’re here.” Fred says.

“Where? Are we at another party?” You ask, really wanting to get another drink.

Fred whispers the password to the portrait so they can get inside and, hopefully, up to her dorm.

“Party?” You ask, frowning as you enter your common room to find complete silence.

“No more parties, unless you wanna have a slumber party. Alright?” Fred tells you as him and George make their way up to your room.

“Is there alcohol?” You ask, stumbling as George finally sets you down inside your room.

“Not anymore. C’mon let’s get you to your bed.” George says, leading you towards your bed.

“But I need another drink. Wanna forget.” You mumble as you fall into your bed.

Both the boys stop, looking at each other confused before looking back at you.

“Forget? What do you wanna forget, love?” Fred asks as he starts taking off your one shoe as George works on the other.

“Thoughts.” You yawn, trying to curl up onto your side but George is still working on getting your shoe off so he keeps you from turning.

“What kind of thoughts?” George asks, finally getting the buckle part undone so he can slide off your shoe.

“Boys I like.” You mumble, finally able to curl up on your side.

Even though you’d deny it if directly asked, you were beyond tired and the twins knew it. If they ever wanted to figure out who you had gone so quiet over, they’d have to keep you talking.

“Can you tell us about them?” Fred asks, looking over at you as you shiver a bit.

It’s honestly no wonder given it’s nearing the middle of winter and you were wearing this. Neither of the twins could say that you didn’t look stunning, but it really wasn’t that hard to believe that you’d be cold. Nonetheless, Fred helps you to get under the covers.

“Hmm?”

“Can you tell us about the guys you like? They’ve got to be mighty special if you go silent over them for a whole two weeks.”

You smile as you think about them, not realizing that they’re the ones with you right now.

“They’re my best friends.” You mumble, smiling dreamily as you’re half asleep.

Fred looks over to George who is looking over at him. Both had the same thought run through their head - us?!

“They’re funny....and brilliant....absolutely adorable....they’re kind.” You continue mumbling as both of the boys watch you, a warmth igniting in their chest. While they couldn’t place exactly what the sensation was, it hadn’t been the first time they’ve felt it when thinking about you.

“Yeah?” George asks, smiling happily at you.

“Yeah,” You hum. “I love when they’re around and just thinking about them makes me happy, but they’re my best friends....and I don’t want to screw anything up between us, but I think I really love them.”

“You do, hmm?” Fred asks, not able to help a smug smirk play on his lips even though this admission overjoys him.

“She’s talking about us, isn’t she Fred?” George asks, smiling at the thought.

“Yeah, George. I believe she is,” he smiles, looking over your sleeping form. “She won’t remember any of this tomorrow.”

#Harry Potter #harry potter imagine #harry potter fluff #george weasley #fred weasley #fred and george #fred weasley imagine #george wealsey imagine #Fred and George weasley x reader #fred and george weasley #weasley twins #fluff #part 2

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cherrypieships · 3 years

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the amusement park: chapter one

A/N: Hi all! This is my first fic posted here on my self ship blog! I’m really proud of this story, it’s gonna be a two-parter.

Ship: davey jacobs x pepper simmons (s/i), featuring my best friend V and my gf Khourey and their respective f/os, race higgins and jack kelly!

Summary: Some of the newsies head to Canobie lake's haunted house/amusement park. Pepper and Davey are the only non-couple.

The backseat of Race’s mom’s minivan was one of the last places Pepper wanted to be at 7 o’clock on a Friday morning. Yet here she was, awaiting their arrival to Canobie Lake Park’s annual Screemfest as she got crammed in next to Davey Jacobs.

Not that she disliked Davey. In fact, it was quite the opposite. Pepper liked Davey a whole lot. And that was exactly the problem. Here she was, in such close proximity to him that their knees knocked together every time Violet hit a pothole, harbouring a gigantic crush on her best friend. And everyone in the car knew beside him. And they were totally fifth- and sixth-wheeling on this trip.

It was fine.

Besides, Pepper was willing to endure a few hours pining quietly if it meant she could go on some sick roller coasters. So she sucked it up and tucked quietly into her seat.

Mickey turned around from the middle row and handed Pepper a piece of her chocolate croissant. “You cold back there?” She asked, wild red curls framing her face as she spoke.

After popping the pastry into her mouth, Pepper shrugged. “I’m fucking always cold.”

Jack tugged his hat up from where it rested over his eyes. “That is a fair point, she is always cold.” He said pointedly, and yelped when Pepper flicked the back of his head.

“I have poor circulation, dickhead.” She whined.

Race snickered from the passenger seat. “Good thing my dickhead doesn’t have poor circulation.” He quipped.

Though Pepper couldn’t see it, she could feel Violet rolling their eyes at their boyfriend. “I’m gonna file for divorce, Race.” They picked up their coffee and took a brief sip. “And I’m taking the kids.”

Beside her, Davey was digging around in the duffel bag he’d brought for the ride. He’d described it to Pepper as a ‘Minor Catastrophe Bag’, with a tiny first aid kit, nail clippers, some snacks, ibuprofen, pads, and a pair of tweezers. As much as she would have loved to gently bully him for being such a mother hen, she knew she’d be thanking him later through an inevitable headache. He straightened, finally, and emerged with a sweater. “Um, if you’re really cold,” He held it out to her. “You can wear this. It’s my backup but I’m pretty warm.” He said.

Pepper took the sweater in both hands with a gentle smile, trying to ignore the soft brush of his fingertips against hers. “You sure?” As much as she would love to immediately engulf herself in his clothes, it was Mid-October and she didn’t want to steal Davey’s source of warmth from him.

Like usual, he waved off her gentle concern. “I have my jacket and I’m wearing layers.” He explained, pushing the sweater towards her.

She took it in her hands, hoping and praying that the heat in her face wasn’t visible. “If you insist.” The teasing was playful, as it always had been. Their friendship had existed for years, the product of a few friend groups merging and discovering that they fit like puzzle pieces. Davey always gave up his cherry Starbursts to Pepper because they were her favorite. Pepper let Davey borrow her favorite poetry books. They spent summers at the pool together. Had napped, cried, laughed, celebrated together for what seemed like forever.

So why did wearing his clothes make her so much more flustered than anything before?

She slid the sweater on, enveloping herself in his scent- oh Christ she was dying- and did actually feel much better. Even though the dark blue didn’t exactly match her outfit.

Davey smiled at her. “When will you learn to dress for the weather?” He admonished gently.

“That’s why I keep you around.” Pepper said, rather than admitting that she was just forgetful and liked her outfit too much.

“Davey’s new occupation: Pepper’s coat rack.” Violet chimed in, handing their phone to Race to switch the song that was playing.

Davey sighed. “I’m really putting that college education to good use.”

The rest of the car ride went by relatively quickly, much to Pepper’s delight. They hopped out into the cool autumn air, cracked their cramped joints, and headed into the park. Davey thankfully left most of his supplies in the trunk of the minivan (save for the ibuprofen he’d managed to sneak into Pepper’s purse just in case), so they’d made it through security and into the place without much fuss as well.

Jack, ever the natural born leader of the bunch, snagged a map and immediately started planning their route for the day. He unfurled it in front of the group and, as Mickey curled into his side, eyed the pathways and rollercoasters thoughtfully. “So do you guys wanna start at the front and work our way back? Or the other way around?”

There was a beat of silence as everyone worked the thought over. “We should just head towards the back, I think everyone’s gotta start testing the rides first anyway.” Mickey piped up first.

Davey nodded. “Gives us more time.” He added.

They made the trek towards the back of the park, Mickey and Jack leading with the map.

Race sidled up beside Pepper and hip-checked her. “You been to these haunted houses before?” He asked, making reference to the night-time festivities. Once the sun set, the park released creepily-costumed actors to scare those who stayed, and previously blocked-off areas were transformed into small haunted houses. Truthfully, Pepper had never been to any haunted house, let alone ones set up at an amusement park.

So, she shook her head. “It’s my first haunted house, actually.” Something she’d confided in Mickey and Vi about.

Race feigned a gasp. “Well ain’t this a hell of a place to start!” He elbowed her, and she returned the gesture, their own weird little handshake.

“Are you serious?” Davey asked, his own elbow catching her shoulder, fucking ow, he’s bony.

Pepper nodded. “I was too scared when I was a kid, and then when I stopped being a baby, all that stuff with my mom happened, so I just never went.”

Davey hummed in acknowledgement, evidently eager to skip past the whole ‘my-mom-is-ill’ conversation. “Ah, well. If you need a buddy, I’m sure we’ll be left alone. Together.” He said, his head tilting to their friends, who had once again broken off into couples, leaving them to their own devices.

Shoving the impending smile down, she nodded. “I’m sure we will.”

“Well, we have a good, um,” He checked the watch on his wrist (the one with the brown leather strap that he wore with every outfit, even if Pepper told him it didn’t match, or that it was too clunky.) “Like, ten hours before we need to even think about that.”

She crumpled into a fit of giggles. “Perfect. I’m sure we’ll spend that time wisely.” She swatted his arm as he shoved his watch in front of her face.

---

They did not.

Six and a half hours later, the group stood in line at one of the concession stands, staring at the menu and nodding to the song playing in the background; some mid-2010s Kesha track that was making Vi go absolutely crazy.

Jack squinted at the chalkboard. “They don’t even have chicken tenders here?” He nudged Race. “They don’t even have chicken tenders here.”

Race nodded slowly, also squinting. Pepper wondered, briefly, if the pair needed glasses or if they were just trying to look contemplative. “Mickey’s gonna call it homophobic, you know.” He said.

“It is!” Mickey called dutifully from the table they had snagged for the gang to inevitably sit at. “I’ll take some cheese fries though!” To which Jack nodded and stepped up to the worker behind the plexiglass, beginning to list off the group’s orders.

Vi’s voice floated through Pepper’s ears. “Oh what a shame that you came here with someone,” they approached her, eyes closed and hands up by their shoulders as they got all the way into their performance. “My god, if they have candy apples at a stall somewhere, I’m gonna go buckwild.” They said suddenly, snapping out of their trance to stare at Pepper expectantly.

Before she could say anything, though, Davey stole the words from her mouth. “You are allergic to apples, V.” He chided, maybe more kindly than Pepper would have put it, but she was willing to overlook it for the sake of the way a small smile pulled at his mouth.

Violet dropped their hands. “Only a little bit.” They argued.

“A little bit allergic.” Davey repeated, and Pepper pressed her lips together firmly to fight off the grin at the exasperation in his voice.

“To apples, yes.” They nodded, and, evidently done with arguing, turned to keep Mickey company at the table.

Davey turned to Pepper, disbelief crossing his features. “Can you believe-”

“Yes.” She cut him off. “Yes I absolutely can believe it.” Pepper said, digging through her memory of the times V had pulled some similar shit; eating eleven mozzarella sticks despite their lactose intolerance, buying a Panic! At The Disco vinyl despite wanting Brendon Urie dead, and spending $40 on a Funko Pop figure of Spiderman Noir for no real reason other than some guy at a convention told them to.

Jack turned to his friends. “Okay I did the ordering, someone else has to do the collecting.” He announced, shoving the receipt with the order number on it towards Davey, who had inadvertently become Second In Command. Then, with a signature Jack Kelly Smug Smile, he stalked off to where V and Mickey were seated, Race following behind.

Great, Pepper thought, another conveniently timed moment alone with Davey. Briefly, she wondered if her friends had planned this ahead of time, and then she came to her senses and realized that yes, of course they had. Those conniving little weasels had been conspiring to get Davey to like her since senior prom.

She still remembered the way Mickey had shoved Davey at her when a slow song came on that night. Work Song by Hozier had drifted over the speakers, and V’s elbow caught her in the ribs as they growled a furious “Dance with him or I’ll fucking kill you.” and skipped off to sway with Racer. Pepper had stood on the dance floor, gaping as she watched Jack wink at Vi. Those two never got along about anything.

Davey’s hand had entered her field of vision, skin almost glowing under the light of the mirrorball. He’d smiled sheepishly, admitted that this was one of his favorite songs, and asked if she’d like to share a dance.

The strange thing was, she didn’t actually like Davey before that. At least she thought she didn’t. It wasn’t until she was cradled close to his chest, breathing in the smell of his soap and some soft, powdery cologne he frequented, that she found her heart pounding and her palms going clammy. And when he’d started humming against her hair, one hand in hers and the other around her waist, she knew she was absolutely fucked.

She’d started thinking about it and, yeah, it made sense to want to be with Davey. Handsome Davey, who sometimes made her laugh until soda came out her nose, and whose affinity for children’s cartoons made him the ideal conversation partner. Three years later, she was still in love with him.

And it was all her stupid, evil friends’ faults.

Back in the present, Davey tucked his hands in his pockets, his lips twisting as he lost himself in thought. “We’re gonna have so much shit to carry.” He murmured, exasperated at being the ones left behind.

“We sure are. At least you and Jack ordered drinks, so that’s more stuff to spill.” She twisted a long strand of hair around her finger.

Davey scoffed good-naturedly. “Yeah well you made me leave my water bottle in the car so I needed to be hydrated somehow.”

Pepper kicked at his shin with the toe of her sneaker. “And a caramel hot chocolate is the best way to stay hydrated?” She grinned up at him, watching him tuck the receipt into his back pocket and start moving for the pick-up window as the drink in question was called out.

He hummed in assent. “You bet it is.” He picked up the paper cup, taking a short sip and licking at his bottom lip. Pepper ignored the urge to run her thumb across it.

She must have been staring, because after a second, Davey held the cup out towards her. He didn’t say anything, didn’t need to. She loved chocolate and caramel, and always ran cold. He knew there was no way she’d have turned down a sip if he’d offered, so he must have decided to save his breath. She took the cup in her hands, the warmth emanating from it seeping pleasingly into her palms, and took a sip as well, subconsciously hoping to taste more than the drink. She licked her lips.

Davey watched her intently. He opened his mouth, ready to say something to her, when the order bell rang out. “Order sixty-nine!” The college girl behind the counter announced.

“Oh, fuck yes.” Race cackled from the table. V leaned into him, trying to hide their own laughter as Mickey gave him a high-five.

Pepper sighed, she should’ve known that would be their luck. The pair of them moved forward, Davey pushing in front of her to grab the tray before she could even reach for it. “I got it.” He mumbled, holding onto the plastic tray like a nervous Disney-Channel-Original-Movie teenager. “Grab the drinks, don’t worry about it.” And then he smiled up at her, a closed-lipped little smile that made her heart race as she picked up Jack’s orange soda.

Behind her, someone clicked their tongue. Pepper turned, making immediate eye contact with an older lady with greying black hair and soft folds in her skin, who gave her a knowing smile. “And they say chivalry is dead. You got yourself a sweet one, honey.” She said, then winked.

Pepper’s jaw went slack trying to think of a response. She turned back to Davey, whose eyebrows were so far up his face that they were basically in his hairline. “Oh God,” he said simply, “Um, thank you, ma’am.”

The woman laughed softly, leaned over and patted Pepper’s shoulder as if she knew something Pepper didn’t, and then disappeared into the line to order food.

There was a long, silent moment, where Pepper was racking her brain, searching every corner for something to say that would shift the air, move the mood from awkward to playful with a joke of some sort. She looked at him again, and he was staring at her, unblinking. There was a funny look on his face- regret maybe- his eyebrows low and his eyes a little soft. She wondered, distantly, if he was realizing that she was in love with him; if it was a look of pity-

“Hurry up with my goddamn cheese fries!” Mickey yelled, their hunger obviously taking control over their inhibition.

Without a second thought, Pepper turned on her heel and walked to where their friends were, leaving Davey and the unnerving encounter behind.

#pls drop a like/rb if you read! i'm really proud of this one!#davey #olive talks #my fic #the amusement park

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joeyloganho · 3 years

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hi Victor! im so sorry that youre not doing too well right now so i really hope that you feel better soon 💝 and if you need something to talk about, perhaps share some of your favorite moments with any f/o you want! i hope this will manage to take your mind off of negative thoughts 😊

hey there pal. <3 thank you for sending this in. I appreciate it. To really keep my mind off things, I'll do a favorite moment or two with ALL MY f/os. hehehehe.

Under cut because this will be lengthy (Also i know you definitely didn't ask for this much but IM GIVING IT BECAUSE I LOVE MY BOYS)

Milo! So with Milo, gosh there's so many moments. I don't talk about him often anymore, and I feel like it's because our life together is...well...boring. BUT when i say that, I don't mean that in a bad way. We're boring together. It's the best kind of boring there could be. We've been with each other so many years. so it's natural for me to look at the relationship and be like "WOW WE'RE BORING."

however, i always will remember us moving into our first apartment together as a favorite memory. Decorating the place how we wanted. Fluffy trying to help us by climbing into all our boxes and laying down. Milo would stand there for hours trying to figure out if a photo should go where he wanted it initially or two centimeters to the left. It was a trip and a half but I loved it. And now we have a house. And it's amazing.

Eddie! OK so our relationship is still not very like, developed yet, I don't have many stories for us yet. But I still love the time i walked into his work and the receptionist was like "Uhm. Eddie doesn't have a boyfriend?" And I was just like "You're LOOKIN AT HIM, GAL! Lemme see him!"

This little man, Roger! Favorite memories include celebrating holidays with him (He's a christmas nerd.) and his hugs in general. I love his lengthy hugs. :P

This fuckin nerd...look at his fuckin tie. Look at his pens in his pocket. Bet he's got a pocket protector. fuckin nerd. ANYWAY, Johnny may be a nerd, but he's a cool nerd. And he likes to take me to see movies and kiss me when the scenes get too spooky for him. He says it's to "keep me from getting scared." but fun fact, I'm not scared when he does it. He just wants smoochies.

Trash man Spammy. Honestly I'm just gonna say it. All the moments are my favorite.

I don't have a pic of Count Max, but I also don't have many stories about him either...oop

Kento takes me to fancy restaurants. I don't like it for the fact that we're at a fancy place, I like it because he knows they have grilled cheese sammies and knows those are some of my favs so he intentionally goes there because he knows i like that. :P

honestly, again, everything. Mans is a treasure.

I don't have a pic for Fink either but I adore that little science man. He started baking cookies with me and that's always fun. I love being around him in general.

he literally once growled at a librarian that told me my book had a fee on it. I was like "oh shit i don't have the 50 cents on me right now" and the librarian got snippy and Voldo literally started growling and was prepped and ready to jump over the counter and attack.

FELIX. FELIX. gosh. Can i say everything for him too? I love him so much. Maybe in the beginning when he still drank it wasn't the BEST of times because I was basically just babysitting him but like I LOVE HIM? HE'S SO SWEET? SO CUTE? SO AMAZING? I'm gonna cry i love Felix so much.

No pic for Jack W. But he took me to a mini golf course once and got pissed that he lost and tossed himself in the water. He's competitive.

I also have no pic for my Stardew boys, and i also don't really have thought out stories for them either.

HRRRRRRRRG. BALEM. I love dancing with him. He'll just spin me around and ignore everything he's supposed to be doing and just stay with me and that? That is some sweet shit. He also sometimes just holds my hand and traces lines in my palm and that shit IS GOOD SHIT.

Lastly, won't lemme add a pic of Newt because I hit max pics BUT Newt is just a sweetie in general and i vote all memories as favorite too.

#answers #long post

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