#but idk there's this very distinct feeling now of like. i can't describe it but it's completely gone

[eggmeralda]

I may have lost all hope

#it's a weird feeling? #like since late 2022 it's been kind of like. bad vibes consistently #and i tried to stay somewhat positive throughout it #but idk there's this very distinct feeling now of like. i can't describe it but it's completely gone #like I've actually got nothing to live for #nothing I've done or wanted to do since i was 14 has ever really like amounted to anything #all the friends i made i never feel like i can talk to #once again in that state of 'only alive so my family don't get sad' #like even when i wanted to just stop existing when i was 21 there was this tiny bit of hope still there a little bit #like i remember for that whole summer i kept getting quick thoughts about suicide but I'd always push them out of my mind instantly #but there was one day where i let the thought stay in my mind for a little bit and like properly considered how i would do it #and then after a bit i was like FUCK and then went and walked like an hour away from my house to try and forget it #and then after that day i slowly got better. and it was annoying bc it meant now i had to walk a whole hour back to my house #but even if those 2 months there was still this feeling of this isn't gonna last #bc i knew i was back at uni in a few months and at least i had music to listen to #and all the other times I've been in that state there was still this sort of feeling that it'll get better bc I've got things to get me #through it #but it doesn't feel like that now. like no job no friends no hyperfixation and now i can't even enjoy any music #anything i create is pointless bc only i care about it #all my friends are busy doing other stuff I'm like not even second best I'm the most forgettable person anyone might know #the only thing that would fix me is getting a random train to like some place I've never been #just to see a new thing i guess #but anyway #ramble #suicide mention

[teaboot]

Hi

I have a question for u

It is maybe a very cliché question but I am sincerely looking for the answer because it feels like most other people know it and just I don’t understand

So here we go: what differentiates love from friendship?

I can recognize friendship. All explanations given to me what others told me makes the distinction to loving someone (romantically?) didn’t make sense to me mostly because it always included some people that fall into the definition of friends

So yeah.. I’m having difficulty with relationships (apparently)

Thank u for ur thought! Ur blog always brings me happiness!

I hope u have a wonderful day with some quiet time to watch the fluffy creature

-🥬

Personal opinion?

Friendship is love. Love is friendship. Kissing is friendship and holding hands is love. Sex is friendship and washing laundry is love.

I've had crushes on people I'd never want to date. I have friends I'd be comfortable kissing. I don't think I've ever been attracted to sexually, but there are people I think are beautiful who make my heart race. I don't know if I've ever felt romantic attraction, but there are people I want to spend my life with, and others I'd rather admire from a distance, and others I want nothing to do with.

I think that honestly, really, words like "Husband", "Wife", "Partner", "Friend", "Queerplatonic", "Soulmates", "Life Partner"... I think they're useful tools to describe specific experiences, more than they are rigid boxes to sort and divide our experiences into.

I'm not sure if I understand tge difference between platonic affection, aesthetic attraction, romance, and friendship, but I find my best relationships so far have been, "We like being around each other, and we work together to find what kind of intimacy we want from each other".

Sometimes that intimacy is physical, like kissing or sparring. Sometimes it's emotional, like sharing feelings. Sometimes it's just good, quiet company, or doing things together.

I can't speak for your own experiences, but in mine, idk. Just kinda letting things happen.

(It is hard when you feel lonely, though, and don't know how to describe to most of the world what it is you want.)

Long post, but uh. Same boat, I suppose?

afraid I don't have a better answer right now, but if anyone else figures it out, I'd love to know.

Thanks for the ask, and I hope you're having a great day too!! ♡

[orkbutch]

A Gender Feelings Dump bc i have my semi-public diary back now :)

I came back to tumblr because I got immediately obsessed with BG3 and knew I wanted to do it Proper Fandom Like. Possibly because its been a surprisingly nostalgic experience and the last time I was into something like this, I was on tumblr doing fandom (DA, fallout, ect.) so maybe its all regression, idk. But it has resulted in me drawing and writing the most I ever have in 6 years, since I left my bachelor of illustration and decided I couldn't do art as a career and I needed Real Work (tm) to live and meet my goals.

That has changed. I've realised I have been fighting my nature; I've wanted to be an artist since I was a child, and I was Always solely fixed on that goal. And one thing 6 years of drawing and creating a lot less did was... cut me off from a gender experience I have! Which I lowkey forgot about, and am now rediscovering? And its an odd (but also not odd at all) one that I gotta ramble about.

My name is Emmanuel Josephine [Redacted], and I picked Josephine because its my favourite name and because I was aware that sometimes, I simply am not... in Emmanuel headspace. Emmanuel is a Tom of Finland rough-housing cowboy priest. Which are often my vibes. But lately I have been a lot more Josephine, whose vibes are more ... 15th Century nun troubadour secretly in love with their fellow nun. Am I making sense? These are just vibes. Gender word association.

Anyway, I've realise these track to whether I'm more preoccupied, at that period of my life, with the outside world or my internal world. I phrase it that way because I don't want to imply that Emmanuel is just "Face", a social performance; I can be and am Josephine with other people. These aren't personality changes (Important to specify that because I have DDNOS lol), but maybe... the temporary moving of my perspective and perceptions.

I think when I'm feeling very creative and making a lot of things, I become very introspective; for me, art is always a conversation with myself. My Perspective and Perception inevitably shifts to be more internal. That makes me less responsive to social contexts, which is obviously a massive part of gender identity. And I just become a lot Less Gendered... I think?

Perhaps thats why Josephine is best described to me as a cloistered nun. I become less dysphoric about my body (because I think about it less) and I become fairly disinterested in having sex (though I am still just as interested in sexuality as a subject). I experience this broad, internal landscape that feels so intricate and distinct from the external world that it feels almost divine, or I guess metaphysical, even though I don't believe in anything spiritual. That is the shift in perspective; the internal world becoming the focus over the external.

Which, like... is this dissociation? I genuinely don't know. I have a dissociation disorder, so it would make sense. The separation from my dysphoria and libido, and the turn inwards, thats pretty dissociative stuff. I don't know. I feel pretty present. Its just weird.

I can't tell if this is an alternative experience that is gendered, what you may call A Gender Experirnce, or a dissociative episode (are the two really that different?), or more specifically, a regressive episode. Idk. Brains are wild.

#personal

[a-faggot-with-opinions]

very frustrated with the way people see "transandrophobia" and say "lol just that word tells me these people don't understand intersectional feminism" when all the language we have surrounding oppression only sounds "right" because it's been around for a while and been normalized. Idk if this example will land because it's not a good direct comparison, but when I was a kid (and like, now, tbh) people would say "feminism" and everyone would yell "oh so you only care about WOMEN? FEMALES? what about now X and Y affect men, huh?? You want female supremacy, etc" when feminists were absolutely already discussing how patriarchy affects men and (the ones I was around) were very clear that their goal was equality between "the sexes" (my experience, the feminists I was around). There was the whole "I'm not a feminist bc i don't believe in female supremacy, I'm an egalitarian" thing.

I think that "transmisogyny" is like... a lucky word in that it's pretty catchy and the words it's built out of are currently widely used (even if maybe people define them a little differently in different circles). At least in my language context, it just makes sense (it's intuitive that it's describing the intersection of misogyny and transphobia). Any attempt to make up a single word that describes that intersection in the context of transitioning toward masculinity will run into the issue that there's not a word for when men experience oppression in a specific way due to their gender, because white men don't experience oppression due to their gender.

Honestly, I do feel like it would be useful to have words or at least common phrases to describe how men are marginalized by systems of oppression. People try to draw comparisons between language around racism and language around transphobia by saying things like "Black women experience misogynoir but Black men just experience 'regular' anti-Black racism," and while I think the direct comparison between transphobia and racism isn't very useful, I think distinguishing the experience of racism depending on what gender you're being assigned in the moment is useful, actually. Because non-white men experience racism, and the intersection between racism and one's perceived gender is inextricable.

So much of racism is about stripping away the culture (and therefore any cultural experience of gender) of a racialized group and then applying White gender expectations. Of course, non-White people can never live up to those expectations because our physical, racial features aren't the norm. This is inherent to racially othering people, and while there's plenty features of racism that don't appear to be gendered... it really is heavily tied up in it. There's no "pure," "base" racism that doesn't rely at least in part on the idea that the racialized group is failing White gender, or is more likely to and therefore must work harder (assimilation), because you can't pick racism apart into several neat boxes that aren't deeply interconnected.

I am not Black so I won't try talking more on Black people's experiences, but I really do think. I'm Chinese, and I think it can be really hard to talk about anti-Asian racism because people assume it's the same for asian men and women, when actually the gendered distinction is really important and I don't think (as someone who's lived as both and is to this day perceived as both depending on context, despite the fact that I have transitioned) that Asian women experience the intersection of anti-asian racism + misogyny but Asian men experience "just anti-Asian racism". We (Asian men) experience it in a way that's very tied up in that we are Asian MEN. It's a big part, historically, of USAmerican anti-Chinese sentiment, the stripping away of Asian masculinity, the feminization of Asian men and our inherently undesirability since it's impossible for us to truly be masculine. These stereotypes are shifting and obviously more complex than just that, fetishization is also a big part of modern anti-Asian racism (especially online from what I've seen). Notably, many Asian men are clearly not feminine, at which point we can still fail at manhood by being labelled hypermasculine (aggressive, unintelligent, incapable of reason and culture, only useful for potential as manual laborers). Racism working as intended so we can always be told we're failing gender.

Disclaimer that I specifically didn't talk about Asian assimilation in USAmerica or our "model minority" status here and all of that affects the framework I laid out above. I am also not trying to compare how different groups are affected by racism, I just didn't think it's my place to make this example all about anti-Blackness since it's really not my place.

I guess my point is that saying intersectional language is only valid when you're using to say one is oppressed by all applicable systems of oppression makes it harder to discuss intersections of privilege and oppression without it seeming like you're attempting to dominate the entire conversation. Tying it back: if trans men & transmascs were to only use "transphobia" to describe our experiences while trans women & transfems use "transmisogyny," we would surely seem to dominate the conversation about transphobia in general and give the implication that transitioning towards masculinity is the default, usual way to be trans.

sorry for the length and I don't think I was as clear as I hoped, I can't make it any briefer without like, an editor. I'm really only talking about my frustration with the dismissal of "transandrophobia" due to it's etymology and diving into my issue with the common arguments I've seen made against it on an etymological basis, not trying to make an argument about whether trans men experience misogyny and transphobia bc we, as a group, obviously do. Regardless of if some of us usually don't.

^^^

#asks #transandrophobia #long post #racism

[crown-jay]

My experiences as a Median system core (I think)

Before I share my experiences, I would like to give you the definition of a Median System (from Pluralpedia)

"A median system (also called midcontinuum) is a system where members are not as distinct or separate from each other. It can be considered being somewhere between multiple and singlet.

Some are dependent on a single individual, or the dependence can be mutual in that there is no central individual. Some median systems feel more blurred between themselves. Others may also be based around a shared identity or kin.

The members of a median system are often described as aspects or facets. Some median systems may identify as different archetypes. Despite being more fluid and similar, median systems can be very diverse."

Now that that is out of the way, let's get onto my "evidence" (I guess) for my plurality. But before I do, this is not a place for syscourse. I am saying it now that I am pro endo, so if you don't like that, just go away? I'm not gonna argue with you if you try to with me, I'll just block or ignore you. It's a simple as that, leave endos alone for goodness sake.

Anyway. Ever since I "discovered" what plurality is, I have questioned on and off about whether I was a part of a system. Of course, back then I was very focused on "do I have a system" and not "am I a part of a system" which I understand now is kinda harmful thinking, since I don't "own" my alters, or facets, as they are called. I first learnt about plurality in 2019 (I think, idk my memory is shit) and it just sort of... Made sense? Like, I wasn't like "sounds fake, but okay" I just accepted it and didn't question it at all.

Through further looking into DID, as that was what I was introduced to first, by DissociaDID's videos, I concluded I couldn't possibly be plural, because these personalities I were feeling weren't nearly as distinct as those in the DiassociaDID system and beside, I had never switched before.

But it was still nagging at me in the back of brain. This sense of not being quite one person. A few years later, I was watching an Othercon panel about Fictional Identity Etiquette, and they mentioned Fabelings. For those who don't know; Fabelings are kinda like a median systems version of a fictive and can sort of toe the line between 'kin and fictive. I was curious, what the heck is a median system. I looked it up, read the definition and just went "oh." It was like something unlocked in my brain. It was a similar experience to when I found out what being aroace was for the first time. It just felt right.

But this wasn't it. I still didn't accept it for multiple reasons. "I still don't switch." "My 'facets' don't think to me in my head, we don't talk to each other to communicate." "I can't be plural, I am just a person with a lot of range." I was in denial. That was last year.

But now, after looking once again, because it was still nagging me, I found the term "monoconcious". And I read the definition. And I reread the definition for median system. And it all clicked. I read about parasian systems and I read about orbital systems and I just sat there and just took it all in.

Something that really resonates with me is something someone said on @median-culture-is . "Too dispersed to be a single person, too united to be multiple"

I have always felt not quite whole. For a long time, I thought it was just an autism thing, or even that it was normal. Plural first person pronouns felt so right, but I felt like I couldn't use them because "I'm only one person, right?" I've always resonated with some parts of system experiences, but not others. I've struggled with my gender identity, because it felt like it would change, but it simply didn't feel in a genderfluid sort of way.

And the whole "never switched" thing. Apparently common in median systems, especially orbital ones. I am always fronting and my facets become co-con or co-front. Sometimes I'm not even in control, but still present and passively influencing, so I don't even notice until after.

I don't know much about the facets in this system. I have a very hard time interpreting and understanding all the thoughts and feelings in my head. I hope that one day I will understand and know the identities of them. But for now, all I can do is accept and acknowledge their existence. Because that's only fair.

I could be wrong about this. Maybe I am just a singlet over analysing my emotions. But I don't think a singlet questions being a part of a system this much, for this long and this extensively. All the signs are there, and I'm finally seeing them. Now I just have to understand this new world of mine.

So yes. I guess I'm the core of a parasian, orbital median system. At least, that's how I'm labelling it for now. I would say I'm closer to the middle of the spectrum than the singlet end, but still definitely parasian. It's all very blurry but definitely real.

Um, yeah. Thanks for reading. Sorry for the long post, and sorry if it's incoherent, I really needed to just dump my thoughts. I'll keep y'all updated.

#system #median system #pro endo #orbital system #parasian #plural

[welcome-to-the-end-of-eras]

Live Reading: The Mars House by Natasha Pulley

Some initial (spoiler-free) observations for now:

1.) desperately missing the style of publication from twofs and tbs, book covers that come off are my biggest opp

2.) Edward Cullen lookin ass cover I kinda love it

3.) absolutely love the fact that The Bedlam Stacks is officially part of the Watchmaker series even though Mori is in like 3 scenes, he’s so powerful

Off the bat, it's really interesting to see the way January interacts with what is our present like it's something ancient. The way he describes the "ruins" of London and various places around that people today may even live in, as if it's centuries old. Idk what year this takes place in but I feel like it's going to be like 2030 or some shit lmao

I already read the leaked chapter so I'm just going to skip it, all in all though I like January so far. He's a little less...I don't want to say compelling, but he doesn't have as much of a distinctive personality off the bat as Valery or even Flint, but I don't necessarily think that's a bad thing. Plus he's like. Actively in crisis, so I'm going to give him a pass

He does have the gen Z tendency for nihilism tho, moreso than the other mc's, and I really like it

Oh wait no he's not even gen Z he's like. Gen Theta??? This is farther into the future than I thought, which is good bc it was a lil depressing to think it was this close to the present and everything was flooded (I mean we're still boned but I was expecting the time period to be like. A very likely 2027 or something.)

I honestly really like the way January isn't content with the small things in his life that make him miserable like the other mc's. He's a Complainer. He's literally me-

"It was fine as icing sugar." ??? Girl are we getting some freaky future ghost shit again??? Please???

I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T DO THIS I CAN'T-

MORI AND DAUGHTER??? I'M GOING TO PASS AWAY-

I will be crying about this forever

Six taking over the shop but keeping her dad's name attatched...BEING CANON??? We STAY winning

"There are moments when you come so close to another future you can taste the air in the courtroom." GIRL SHUT THE FUCK UP RESPECTFULLY I'M ABOUT TO START SCREAMING-

Wait these exoskeleton things sound cool as fuck, I wonder how hard it would be to make one for cosplay purposes??? Probably pretty tricky (and knowing myself I would never finish it) but it still seems really fun to make

Damn he's really scared of not wearing that thing, my poor baby :((( ugh I really do like him a lot so far

Ohhh wait I thought wearing the suit was to protect him, not to protect others??? I misread

But he's still really that scared of hurting anyone else :((( he's my baby I've decided

I feel like I'm not going to like Gale much off the bat bc they're going to be rude to him, but I'm sure I'll grow to like them more. I mean I didn't much care for Shenkov off the bat but I adore him now so

Not to get Prentious-English-Major-y, but it seems like a running theme in this book is getting over the shame of taking up space in the world. January is constantly being reminded that he needs to stay in his place and not cause trouble for others, and it's so engrained into him that he can't help but panic over a simple mistake that could've been corrected with a gentle warning. But it also wasn't a gentle warning; the guy in the elevator fucking yelled at him!!! Immediately!!! I get the notion that it was a matter of safety for him, but January was far away from and couldn't have possibly hurt him, and he still yelled. Coming from the lense of a queer man, it's very reflective of the homophobic idea that queer people can't even be trusted in public because they're "sexual deviants" and the like, or even going back to the 80s when people thought that AIDS was transmitted through just skin-to-skin contact. Idk. Food for thought.

Honestly??? The way his thoughts keep circling back to the way everyone was horrified of him on the elevator is the most accurate way I've ever seen someone describe anxiety attacks

What tf is up with the pink elephants??? New tattoo idea just dropped???

Ooo interesting monetary system for the trains. I went into Boston to get my copy and they started doing a similar thing on the green line (the only train system that runs above ground, so they can't really stop people from not paying to get on) and it kind of reminds me of that. It's definitely not that similar, but it's enough that I made the connection

Creepy Government Programs Meant To Completely Cripple Minorities Just So They Can Access Slightly Worse Basic Rights They Should Already Have...totally not realistic...haha...not at all...

Only a year??? January...buddy...you've been here for 600 days...

Oh wait no I just looked it up, a year on Mars is actually about 687 days, nvm, fuck me I guess

The whole conundrum of naturalizing vs just using the cage is vvv interesting, and is also reminiscent of the way disabled people are encouraged by society (and warned by medical professionals) to undergo drastic surgeries to cure their disability

Damn so going on the train cost him a half hour of work??? That's kinda nuts. Although if it's a longer distance train it's not as bad, but it seems like it just went from one part of the city to the other

Oh??? Hello??? He has a crush on his boss??? Honestly she sounds like a milf I don't blame him-

I feel like the release button of his suit being over his heart is going to be important and dramatic and it's going to make me cry

Idk how to word this properly but like. January being motivated to eat more and train for ballet again bc he's just overall happier with Gale may just (happily) destroy me, the same way tlfop describes Thaniel getting a lot stronger over the course of four years bc he's eating more and started boxing and that, but I feel like it'll be different bc him being married to Gale will offer him the privilege to do that kind of thing while others aren't awarded the freedom

The group physical therapy before work is kinda nuts, we should honestly do that at my job too

Honestly the way they're describing these work suits is kind of a serve, especially with the cool skeleton lookin thing around it, that would make such a fun cosplay

Senator Gale in the mix too!!! Vvv excited, even though I know January is going to do some fuckshit on tv with them

I KNOW January is pretty af I know it in my soul

"Great power to be had from ogling." I'm love Val sm-

Love that she included how to pronounce Mx bc it always throws me for a loop. Also...McWang??? Girl-

I really do not know what I expected from the woman who managed to get the word "octopussy" in three of her books

"...so that he wouldn't think about how much he would have loved to see someone shove Audrey bloody Gale off a cooling tower." DAWG-

He really fuckin hates them wow, their public persona must suck

Oh also random thought I forgot to include a bit earlier, but is it like. Genuinely illegal to assume people's gender in this society??? That's kinda based actually. Fox News would have a field day. "ThIs Is CoNfIrMaTiOn Of ThE fUtUrE tHeSe LiBeRaLs ArE lOoKiNg FoR." Ugh I hope someone shows them, that would be fucking hilarious (obviously no one should tho bc I sincerely believe there are some idiotic people who would start sending Natasha death threats over it and I don't want that).

"...and do everyone a favour by turning immediately into goo." Jesus fucking Christ dude-

I hope January beats the shit out of some of these people I really do-

Hehe puffweens

Ooo the Mars citizens fashion seems fun

"Thirteen year olds were, of course, terrifying monsters..." thirteen year olds are extremely lame when you get to know them but I do get the anxiety (I say as someone who worked with them for over 5 years)

He doesn't want to scare anyone :(((

First he's comparing Gale to the devil, and now he's saying they look like a god??? Make up your mind dude

"He followed the news like a bloodhound when it came to Gale." My good bitch you are so definitely into them-

The fact that Val has to bribe January with chocolate to not throw a brick at Gale is so...I'm love them so much

#apparently there's a character limit now??? so I'll do a part two ig

[marnz]

since i'm one of those people who watched tsn in 2023 (i was 12 when tsn was broadcasted) so it gave me this weird mixed feeling whenever i read markwardo fanfic because knowing how bad these people actually are irl and not some uwu precious baby but i can't blame fanfic writers in 2010-2011 for thinking zuckerberg and saverin were cool because during that time facebook was indeed cool and the internet was younger at that time too, the fic are good i admit but sometimes i need a moment to rethink why am i reading irl capitalists fanfic, it's so hard to distinguish between tsn and irl material most of the time too and not to mention tsn was just a story written based on irl saverin pov of fb and he was also an asshole. The only fun time to enjoy tsn was probably 2010-2011 because fb was cool, the cast was close and now even the cast of this film probably don't even contact each other anymore despite being so closed in 2010, sorry for rambling i just think it's amazing that people who enjoy tsn in 2010 still post about it in 2024!

well anon. Like I said. You had to be there. Look I love context and you said you were 12 in 2010 so here is some context: yes the internet was younger and yes fb/meta had not destroyed democracy yet but I also think there was more of a sense of hope related to technology, as opposed to dread. A lot of tech and social mainstays had not happened yet, politics were drastically different, Chris Hughes (cofounder of fb & communications guy) helped Obama get elected, people didn’t think global warming was real, society was MUCH more conservative and homophobic, etc., and the internet was the place to be.

when you say the internet was younger I’m interpreting this to mean that FB had not come into its final form yet, which is true, but also it & the internet was such a radically different experience. It felt limitless. You weren’t corralled in as much. You could go anywhere, you could find anything, you could make your own websites very easily, you were not assaulted by pop ups and apps were not mainstream because Apple didn’t launch the App Store until 2008. It was so easy to learn how to code. The operating systems between Apple and Android were SO distinct. Twitter launched in 2008/2009 but wasn’t quite so relevant until idk 2014? Fandom had just migrated from LJ to Tumblr but Tumblr was also hotter with the aesthetic girlies and porn blogs. “The algorithm” didn’t run the world. Yesterday I tried to find an article by searching for it and both Google and DuckDuckGo completely disregarded my request and did not turn up anything relevant. I can assure you that would not have happened in 2011. So there was SUCH a sense of optimism because the internet felt like a social good instead of an obligation that is increasingly privatized, surveilled, constrained, and decayed.

Which is why TSN got made and why there was an interest. It was a source of profound social change. But anyway. FB/Meta has ruined lives and it and all other social media apps that elevate divisive opinions to prompt as much engagement as possible (have you heard of the awful Isabel Fall twitter scandal? I recommend this article) are awful! And yet there’s an expectation of being online because a lot of communities now organize online, a lot of services require being online, etc., fandom has become less centralized/less unified, which is its own post.

Out of curiosity, what led you to watch the film? I do find it fascinating that there’s been a resurgence of TSN fandom. If this article had not been written I would not be posting about it but there’s still a lot of fic being written and fanvids being made to Taylor Swift songs. But it’s fandom devoid of all this context. So it is very strange, because you know what FB and all these people in it will become. I think I would have the exact cognitive dissonance you described if I watched it for the first time last year and tried to read fic. It is SO deeply fictionalized, so much of it is radically untrue, but you as the reader carry the truth in your mind. Which is why I cannot and do not engage with these days. And why I hold TSN in my mind curtained off. I spoke with many ppl from the original fandom yesterday and trust me, no one wants this.

I think, realistically, whatever movie Sorkin wants to make will probably be very good. It’s probably a good story to tell & explore. But I won’t be watching it. I lived that shit

#answered #anonymous #tsn #sorry for this very long answer I just think that you need to understand that 2011 and 2024 are basically night & day #also like for all of my critiques I met some of my best friends in TSN fandom #and I wrote so much fic and I met a lot of people that way as well! mostly thru glowing au & homo fuge #yes the cast is no longer close from what I’ve observed. #armie hammer is a rich evil nightmare. Justin Timberlake was once the prince of pop but now is either loathed or unremarkable #Jesse Eisenberg’s career choices are their own post #Andrew Garfield is my Taylor swift.

[lesbiancarat]

so i saw a tiktok where someone was talking about fandom colors and their video was mostly reflecting on 3rd gen, but they made a comment that they weren't sure if fandom colors were a thing for 4th gen anymore. and i was kind of like huh, now that i think about it, idk if i've heard of 4th gen groups having fandom colors either, so i went to kprofiles about it

and i just clicked on the profiles of a few bg's and gg's each so it's not like i can speak in absolutes here, but i did look at all of what i consider the top/most active groups bc i felt like they would be a good representation of the trends of 4th gen. and interestingly, none of the boygroups i looked at had fandom colors listed, while most of the girl groups i looked at did

and maybe i'm analyzing it too much, but i always felt like fandom colors played a big role in defining a group's brand and identity. because if you look at some of the most popular 3rd gen groups and their fandom colors we have (forgive me that i'm not going to get the exact color names right, i know they have specific names, but part of the point i'm trying to drive home is that these colors are recognizable even by non-fans):

nct with a neon green. gives of modern, experimental vibes, which also describes their music perfectly. just like their music, it's out there, it's loud, not everyone likes it, but for those that do, it's super fun. none of this is an insult, it's perfect marketing for them imo

twice with peach and pink. it's very girly and fun, again, like their music. it's not a hot pink that might be associated with more sexy concepts, it's softer, which fits the cutesy-ness of their music

seventeen with rose quartz & serenity. also pretty soft and cutesy, again, it fits their early concept of boyish and bright songs

blackpink with, well, black and pink (not sure if this is technically official, but like, c'mon). pink, again, very heavily associated with girliness/femininity, while the black brings some edginess to it, which also perfectly fits their brand

and like, i know some of the explanations i'm giving may sound stereotypical (pink is a girl color, etc.), but like it or not, as a society, we do associate certain things with certain colors, and that's the reason these color choices can work so well for branding. (and i'm not saying those expectations can't or shouldn't be subverted, just that, when it come to things like gg's and the color pink, we know it's not a coincidence)

but anyway, going back to my point of fandom colors helping to define a group's brand/identity. i wonder if the reason 4th gen boy groups don't seem to have fandom colors is because they don't have as set of a brand or concept as it were? and i want to disclaim that i don't say this to be like "4th gen bg's bad :(" bc personally i enjoy a good number of 4th gen bg songs, and i do think 4th gen bg's are worthy of having fans. anything that may sound like criticism is more directed at general trends and how companies are choosing to market their groups. but i'm also going to avoid listing specific groups so no one feels like they're being attacked lol

(also want to disclaim that i'm talking purely about title tracks here, i think in general bsides are inherently less important to overall branding and allow for more exploration so i'm not taking that into consideration)

honestly i can think of a few 4th gen bg's that have a very distinct and consistent sound, and those few also didn't have fandom colors listed, so maybe this argument doesn't hold water. but i feel like i've run into a lot of 4th gen bg's that completely change their sound every comeback. and i don't think this is inherently a bad thing, but i do think it is harder to, from a marketing standpoint, acquire a lot of casual listeners. you might get them interested in one song, but if they don't get that same sound they like for the next song, and they're not invested in the members, what's to keep them interested? but they can still keep afloat if they have enough dedicated stans that will listen to whatever the group puts out

so you end up with a bunch of groups that have no solid identity in terms of like, a distinct, recognizable sound or visual brand. and i think, ironically, this is why for the casual listener, a lot of 4th gen bg's can start to run together, which is why you get a lot of people complaining that "all 4th gen bg's sound the same". which is obviously subjective and not something everyone agrees with, but i think it does stem from more than just 2nd and 3rd gen stans not liking change. i genuinely think there's been a big marketing failure when it comes to 4th gen bg's

the reason i don't think this has been an issue for 4th gen gg's comes down to their audience compared to bg's. it's pretty much always been the case that gg's tend to be more popular with the general public and casual listeners, while bg's tend to have bigger and more dedicated fanbases than gg's (again, tendency, i'm not saying there aren't any dedicated gg stans or that bg's are never popular with the general public). because of this, bg's have always had more freedom to experiment with their music and their concepts, because they have dedicated fanbases that will support whatever they put out, even if they don't really like it. and, of course, because everything gg's do is seen under the lens of misogyny, and in general get harsher criticism than bg's do. so gg's on the whole kind of have to stick to a set brand and not experiment too much (or at all) in order to be successful

again, none of this is meant to criticize 4th gen bg's as a whole, and definitely not meant to criticize individual groups or their fans. ultimately there are a lot of people that stan these groups and enjoy their music, and as long as people are having fun, then it's fine. but i do think it's interesting to look at how the marketing trends have changed and how it might contribute to some of the criticisms we see of 4th gen bg's in particular. and obv i don't know everything that goes on in the kpop industry, so maybe i'm missing something obvious, but these are just some thoughts i had that i wanted to share :')

#i'm posting this and then going to bed bc i have to get up early in the morning #i'm kind of curious what other ppl think about this esp ppl who stan both 3rd gen and 4th gen groups #obv other than svt i'm just a casual listener which i feel like gives me a unique perspective in some ways #but it also means there are things i miss by not actually stanning other groups #but yeah won't be able to respond to anyone until tomorrow if anyone cares to weigh in on this #melia.txt

[andypantsx3]

ANDIE OMG I know I already vomited all over your tags, BUT. I need to convey just how much I fucking loved Incendiary. You had me cackling like a madman right out the gate with your little social media excerpts (like you always do). You knew what you were doing with the "my guy out here with a pencil sharpening quirk" and it was MAGNIFICENT. (once again you tricked me into attempting to click the read mores, shame on you). But. the crown jewel of this fic was the pregonant reference. I choked, Andie. fucking choked and couldn't stop laughing. You're a fucking genius.

That being said, let me tell you all the ways in which I loved this story. Because oh boy, there's a lot:

I love every single side character in this. They were all so distinct from each other, it was such a joy to read. I fucking loved how you wrote Jeanist. The way you described his actions, his mannerisms… it was perfect.

I have nothing but undying love for the way you not only set a scene, but put is right into reader's mind with just a phrase. The "his proximity somehow making him more physical, dimensional" did a number on me and I can't even begin explaining it in an adequate way. All I can say is that it forced me to put myself into reader's perceptive in an almost physical way (like pulling at a memory of sitting next to someone who felt larger than life at the time). Same once in the safe house, the way you describe it at first, how you convey that feeling of isolation and emptiness. And later on, how that shifts into a more crowded situation, if you will.

I love how quick reader is to make assumptions in her mind and just go with it. We all have moments like that and having a reader that does that as well was fun. Also, idk how to explain this, but you made it believable? The way in which you introduced reader's reasoning and train of thought made it perfectly clear how she got from one point to the other, even if we obviously knew she was wrong about it.

On the topic of reader. I loved how every single interaction between and Bakugo went, but I specially loved every time she snapped. XD You have a gift when it comes to writing outbursts and I love it every time. And again, I love how you show it over and over until it boils over into walking out and breaking safe house rules. You make the whole "so pissed she risked her life" angle make sense. It feels natural and I just love it.

AND WHILE I AM AT THINGS THAT FELT NATURAL. The amount of staring and noticing and thirsting. Also one of my fave things about your readers. I want to believe I'd be a civilized person around someone this fucking pretty, but I know a part of my monkey brain would be behaving exactly like this. And I love it. Yes, may fucking hate him right now, but look at those arms.

As usual, I love your Bakugo. I like this rougher version of him you've written this time. This version of him that is more than just a little shit. He's a raging asshole when he's introduced, too preoccupied with the shit inside his own head. Too angry at the person he used to be to sit down and listen. Loved the way Jeanist handles him too. Once in the safe house I love how he doesn't bother to play nice, he's here to complete his assignment and his assignment does not include being nice. I love how he cooks for himself and fuck anyone else. He's perfectly capable of maintaining week long silences (and I loved that reader was the same). I love that the thing that sets him off is the microwave potato. sdalk;lsdkadas THE VERY SLIGHT BUT VERY OBVIOUS SHIFT IN HIS BEHAVIOR AFTER THE ATTACK. The slightly softer yet still rough and brash Bakugo that we love. The way his actions make it clear just what kind of tension had been building and the way he just loves to make it worse. asjdlaksjdasd;;; sorry no longer coherent, moving on---

In short - I loved it, Andie. It's one of those stories that take you into a trip and it's over you're like "I WANNA GO AGAIN". This goes straight into the S-Tier pile, right alongside savvy, statistically significant and cover shot. I know I'm gonna be rereading this many times to come.

Thanks for sharing such a great, funny & hot story, Andie. Loved every word of it. ♥

Tiph omg TIPH!!!!!!! I am smiling so hard right now LMAO I feel like my crush just asked me out or my boyfriend just proposed or like, I just won the super bowl or something LOL.

Your message by itself literally is enough to make me feel like it was all worth it to write this fic. 🥺🥺🥺 I am so so so happy you finally got to read it, and am so so so beyond thrilled that you loved it.

I feel like I learned so much while I wrote incendiary, and I'm so happy it sounds like some of it shone through for you!!! I think this Reader is my least reliable narrator yet and I had so much fun working on her. Like, she's always had to make snap judgments about people & situations to keep herself safe, and so it manifests immediately with Bakugou, and of course he doesn't help himself any by being an uncommunciative little fiend. But of course meanwhile there is this physical tension between them, and so she reads it as anger instead of all the other underlying things it is between them, and it builds and makes the situation worse.

It's only when Bakugou of all people draws on the mindfulness that we've seen him trending towards in canon as of late that they're able to come together as a team and use the combined power of their anger to combat the unjustice that they both once stood on different sides of. 😌

Anyway you have made me so happy with how you picked out all of the things I hoped I would work!! And that you love the social media memes as much as I do lmfao. I think they go such a long way in drawing humor into the situation and it's always interesting to think of how other people would perceive and react to something of yours if it ever went public.

I am kissing you directly on the mouth, Tiph. You continue to be one of the kindest, most supportive, most incredible people in this fandom!!!! And you have literally made me so happy I have to zoom around my house now lol. Love you.🥺🥺🥺

#ask andie

[m34gs]

I saw something that made me think about a part of my own past. It's a little personal, but oh well. This is my own personal blog, after all.

It may surprise some of you that the first time I came out was not when I was 23, moved out of home, at a new job, secure in which identity I felt fit.

The first time I came out was to my best high school friend, when I was 18, sitting in my college dorm, crying because I thought girls and guys were both really pretty and I didn't feel any different based on any gender. I told my friend, I think I'm bi. Very terrified because we both grew up in a homophobic small town with homophobic values ingrained into us through school and church. Lots of internalized stuff to work through there. It took a while. We're both doing good now; supporting each other all the way.

I used to go back and forth all the time between "am I gay" "I can't be gay" "am I really" "or do I just want attention"... but looking back I honestly don't think most people would claim to be lgbtq+ just for attention. Not in the place I lived, with the attention you would get there. And I know that my own feelings were valid. I didn't need to "prove it". I should be allowed to just feel how I feel, and if anyone asks me now "how do you know you like guys and girls? How do you know gender doesn't matter to you if you haven't dated a bunch of each gender?" my answer is "the same way you know you don't like people the same gender as you. The same way my mother knew she wanted to marry a man long before she ever dated one. I just knew and that was it. I may not have known what it was called, but I knew what I felt."

By the way, I was wrong. It may not seem like a large distinction to some, but the identity I actually feel fits me is pansexual, not bisexual (both are valid identities, I just find that pan fits me and feels better for describing me). And that's just fine. It's ok to be wrong and figure it out later. It's ok to even choose to ignore specific labels altogether, to just go "yeah, I don't fit into the heteronormative but I also don't feel like defining myself or trying to put myself in a category or box". People are unique.

I also think, honestly, that there doesn't always need to be a formal "coming out". At this point, I've told the people I wanted to. The rest get to find out as I live my life. I probably wouldn't be out at all right now if I still lived in that small town I grew up in; it wouldn't be worth the hassle and the stress it would put me through. My mental health and my safety are my number one, and "coming out" will never trump either of those things.

so yeah. Idk, maybe that's a bit personal. But again, this is my personal blog. And I think it's not really a bad thing, to finally talk about the part of my journey only one other person actually knew about.

#personal #coming out #lgbtq+ #pansexual

[dana-chan-the-control-brain]

The way you draw is so bingus honestly I’m not sure how to describe it

It’s like you made the characters out of silly putty and then like squished them ever so slightly

It’s kind of like Ed Edd and Eddie, and Courage the Cowardly Dog? Those shows where each frame was detailed and kind of, like, fuckin’ stretchy. No bones, only EMOTION.

And like, it’s twisted somehow. Idk if that’s what you’re going for - it could just be that I personally find that sort of style mildly unsettling. But the emotional intensity of the stories you tell combined with the vibe-oriented pseudo-anatomy makes it feel dimly like a bad dream. One of the ones where the emotion is sadness and not fear, the ones where you can’t go home.

It’s very distinctive. I like it a lot.

SILLY PUTTY!!!!

I honestly love that description.

"it's not that I don't know how bodies work. All my characters are canonly made of playdough"

PERFECT! GHFHFHHFF

As a kid I didn't like Edd, Ed and Eddy cus the art style hurt my sensitive eyes, with all the wiggly lines and I found it super hard to relate to any of the cast of the culdesac. I'm sure there are kids like that, but in my friend group, I couldn't relate to anyone on a base level and didn't find many of the jokes that funny that I couldnt get from other shows at the time.

As a kid I was a little picky thing and I tended to hate cartoons that strictly focused on "real kids" or "real people" boring if it didn't have a fantastical element to it. Like... I hated Hey Arnold, As told by Ginger, Proud Family and Doug as a kid.... But loved Danny Phantom, American Dragon, Jackie Chan Adventures, Avatar the Last Airbender, Pokemon Indigo League and Life as a Teenage Robot if that makes sense? Lol

(I know the Eds is WAY more cartoony and zany then the other shows I listed. But my child brain lumped them together as "real people doing boring things" shows for some reason)

Somehow the Eds was always on TV and I ended up watching it when nothing else was on, but I really didn't like the show as a kid. lol

I appreciate the style and show a lot more now. I do remember really loving the movie finale as a kid however. Probably because it was the most plot driven episode in the series with actual stakes and conflict. And I think it was the first time in the series history where characters cried and it wasn't played for comedy. (To my memory)

As I said, I appreciate these shows a lot more now, but the style of the Eds still hurts my eyes.

Courage the Cowardly Dog however was completely my jam. As a child, I would watch anything with dogs in it. Even if it was bad. Scooby-Doo, Krypton, Martha Speaks, Blues Clues, Clifford... If there was a dog, I was down. (I guarantee I would have watched paw patrol if it was in the 90s/early 2000s)

And I remember having fun times watching Courage with my Mom on week day afternoons.

I was always fascinated with things that were scary or a little bit creepy. I remember also loving the heck out of Hunchback of Notre Dame when I was eight and would burn out my VHS so bad.

So Courage comes up with it's creepy themes and halarious running jokes (honestly, rewatching that show as an adult, you can tell they phone in jokes a lot of the time. The running jokes are super abundant to the point I wonder if the actors recorded one take and they kept reusing it just cus it made them laugh. Cries in lack of bonus features on the collectors dvd.)

Courage was the perfect amount of slapstick and horror. Kinda like a modern day Scooby-Doo of it's time (which I also loved) just without the bland predictable mystery element. (I can't believe it took us till 2022 to get that Scooby-Doo and Courage crossover, even if it was a little lame lol)

The show also taught me a lot about the value of courage as an anxiety-ridden kid.

Courage not being the absence of fear, but the boldness to press on despite your fears.

And Courage's over the top screaming and most of the 'Monsters' of the week having their own motivation for doing what they did, made me a little less scared I like to think. Most of the monsters in Courage were never strictly "evil". Every one of them tended to have misguided morals or ethics and Courage had to stop them because their actions would result in them kidnapping Mariel or hurting his family. (Some of them were just pure evil...but that was super rare. Like even the "return the slab" guy just wants his land/tablet back that was taken from him. )

Idk. Even now I think that's pretty cool. And even if Courage is a super formulic show, I still adore it to this day.

Anyways.... I rambled too long about cartoons I had growing up. Hfhfgdgd

But yes. All my characters are made of puddy. Thank you.

#danachan's rants #i talk too long about cartoons

[dissociacrip]

So uh. How does one go about getting tested for Williams syndrome if they weren't tested for it as a baby because like...I have a lot of features (primarily neurological, intellectual, and behavioral, the rest of me aside from fat pockets in my spine and neck is fairly healthy aside from "obesity" but like...I'm fairly healthy) that are indicative of williams syndrome. I read about Williams syndrome in like 7th grade in a book about neurodevelopmental disabilities and music, and one of them was on Williams syndrome, and the way the author described the patients i fit every characteristic BUT the distinct facial features which kinda leads me to assume (medical special interest + slight hypochondriasis from it) that I have some sort of mosaic form of Williams, which isn't the first time I believed I had a disorder I feel like I need to test for but my mom would dismiss bc I'm being a hypochondriac (the other major one is nontypical congenital adrenal hypoplasia, which I have signs of to various degrees, such as obesity, early puberty, a rather blocky, apple shaped body type more typical of...not cis men but rather trans men on t and also a lot of trans women starting on estrogen, and I've had very little, thinning, often greasy hair since puberty, when before it was thick and wavy; think a kind of harry dubois kinda hairstyle with more hair on the scalp thankfully). Idk I just dont know if I should get tested for either two of these things (and I know if I do have ncah it would explain why my periods are so long, heavy, painful and disabling to the point I can't move and I have to take birth control) or if I should just let it go for now since I don't have any severe symptoms such as salt wasting (ncah) or heart disease (Williams syndrome) yet

there's no surefire way of getting dx'd with anything. my first pcp i got after leaving home acted like i was just drawing connections that weren't there when it came to my POTS and generalized joint hypermobility. i didn't rly continue my appointments with her after i was lucky enough that she referred me for a TTT after i sent her a highlighted list of my symptoms and asked for it directly.

i'm also someone who wonders abt smth like NCAH but i doubt i'd ever get evaluated for that and even then. something i said recently said a lot of people display little to no symptoms of it. i have relatively thick body hair, the vaguest hints of hirsutism, a voice that sounds almost pubescent (best i can describe it lol), and enough "masculine" features that people have gotten confused about my gender/called me a man/called me slurs over it on a routine basis since at least 3rd grade (and it had continued into college.) the last time my testosterone levels were measured they were within "normal" ranges for someone who was CAFAB though. that's not nearly as much reasoning as you might have but your best bet there is an endocrinologist. salt-wasting is a risk with CAH rather than NCAH because NCAH centers around reduced cortisol production and increased androgen production and doesn't impact aldosterone as much i think. treatment for NCAH usually centers around androgen levels and period regulation (as you said) in cases where people do have symptoms/need some kind of treatment. could bring up to your doc that you have concerns around hormones and ask for a referral to an endo or something but aside from that, 🤷🏻‍♀️

WS seems like something that usually wouldn't be missed in childhood so long as your mother's pregnancy and your growth and development were routinely (and responsibly) monitored by doctors (bc we know how doctors can be, and also parents). idk anything about WS though or any kind of genetic disorders like that. i would guess anything with a clear genetic marker like that is most accurately dx'd by a geneticist or through genetic testing, which is expensive/highly inaccessible, although apparently WS is usually identified at a young age through its cardiac symptoms. i'm def the wrong person to ask about that.

#asks #Anonymous

[afacetedgem]

Found this old median ask meme from a few years ago while looking through random older blogs for info on median systems. Decided to fill it out more like a questionnaire to try to... work things out. Reminder that not all questions may apply to (all or some of) you, so answering N/A is super valid! Headmates/aspects/personalities/facets/etc. will be referred to as “parts” here.  1. Is anyone fronting right now? If so who?

Mila/Quartz hybrid

2. How many parts do you have?

Uhhh no idea. Not sure if it's a lot (like hundreds+) or if it's just a few that are constantly shifting and changing

3. What is/are your name(s)?

Mila, Quartz, and Mia have names. Quartz is like the "default" self. Mila is the teen. Mia is the little. That's moreso how I can easily translate it to the external world then how it actually is internally. We're kind of just sorting it by age right now.

4. What is/are your age(s)?

Quartz is 29, our chronological age, but sometimes feels more early 20s. Mila is around 13-18 but usually 15. Mia is like... anywhere from 2-12.

5. What is/are your gender(s)?

Mia and Mila mostly use she/her and Quartz is more they/them but is okay with she/her. But we do not actually care what pronouns are used. Gender itself... tend to say genderqueer woman but it's confusing.

6. What is/are your sexuality(ies)?

Quartz - queer. Mila - queer or bi. Mia - n/a.

7. What is the relationship between your parts?

Don't know how to describe

8. Do you ever find all/none parts fronting at the same time/feel “whole”/can’t tell who is fronting?

I wouldn't say all front at once. Can never tell for sure what's going on.

9. Would your parts share partners?

Mia doesn't want a partner. Mila would only date another facet in a median system the same age as her who is bodily over 25. It's a very specific unlikely situation and not a priority. Quartz wants a partner and all parts within Quartz would date together.

10. What triggers (happy or otherwise) bring out your parts?

Fatigue, stress, bad stuff happening can bring out Mila or Mia. Or if something they like is around.

11. Do you feel like your parts adhere to typical roles?

Not really I don't think.

12. Do you consider yourself an endo system, a trauma system, both, or neither?

Traumagenic. We understood ourselves as faceted due to trauma specifically long before having the language for it.

13. Have you been diagnosed with/think you have some sort of mental illness that relates?

CPTSD would be the main one. I'm autistic but idk how it'd relate here, other then being abused for it. ADHD can cause memory issues and interests that change a lot and I think dissociation and ADHD are both causing those things to happen at the same time, making it worse.

I haven't been diagnosed with but experience DPDR constantly. I have considered ADHD, DPDR, and BPD as possible explanations for my experiences. However multiple professionals have said I definetely do not have BPD (as I only have identity issues and dissociation, not the other symptoms) and neither ADHD or DPDR together or in combination seems to be a complete explanation.

I suspect I may have OSDD-1a, but I guess it could be DID and I'm not aware of the more distinct alters. I feel like I would have noticed them by now? IDK. I forget things a LOT but I've never been sure what the normal amount to forget stuff is so IDK if I have enough amnesia for OSDD-1a, but definetely not distinct enough for OSDD-1b. IDK what people who are not distinct enough for 1b but don't have enough amnesia for 1a but who obviously have issues related to dissociation get diagnosed with. UDD?

14. Do you consider yourself/yourselves “a system” or as “having multiplicity/being multiple” or do you feel closer to a singlet?

IDK. I use different terms to describe myself at different times. I usually use singular pronouns out of habit even though it doesn't feel right.

15. How much control do you feel like you have over your parts?

I can't tell. Sometimes I feel like my body does stuff without me but idk if it's regular losing control due to emotions or someone else doing things.

16. Are your parts you?

Yes they are all parts of me, dissociated to a greater or lesser extent.

17. What’s the funniest switch you’ve ever had?

I don't know.

18. What’s the worst switch you’ve ever had?

I don't know.

19. Can you control switching/who is fronting?

A little. I can bring out Mila or Mia more if an activity they enjoy is available.

20. Do you have a “host” or “core” part?

Quartz is like a default state and I can always access "adultness" if needed

21. If you’re comfortable sharing, why do you think you are median/a median system?

It's the closest term I've found to how my mind works. Understanding myself as median feels better then forcing myself into a singlet identity, as the cognitive dissonance becomes really distressing.

22. What’s been the hardest thing for your parts to agree on?

lol everything I guess

23. Have you ever had to change what you’re doing or wearing or eating or listening to because you’ve switched?

Had to? no. I just wanted to.

24. Describe your parts.

Might have to come back to this one

25. Do you consider yourself m-spec or multigender on a whole if any of your parts have different sexualities/genders? Or do you prefer to treat each part as it’s own separate and not use umbrella labels for you all?

I don't really know. We all have the same gender just understand it in different ways I think.

26. What is each part’s favorite _____?

This one is broad might come back to it.

27. Do you feel welcome in system spaces?

As a whole, not really no. Especially because of my age. Everyone is so much younger. I'm sure there are a lot of 25+ systems out there but the spaces for them I've come across tend to be more DID-focused. I'm in a discord server dedicated to CDDs that I feel welcome in, and another more dedicated to mental health as a whole with a multiplicity channel that I like.

28. Were you ever a singlet/do you think you will ever be a singlet again?

I don't know. I first felt faceted at 15, but I think I was prior to that. I don't really want to be a singlet but I would feel more comfortable if I could have less but more distinct facets so I know who I am.

29. What’s the biggest misconception people have about (all of) you?

That we're singlet I guess. I've told very few people.

30. Free question, but please be respectful!

N/A since I'm not doing it as an ask meme.

People who clown on this post will be blocked.

[likearecordbb]

about your post on the recent discourse...

it's honestly so confusing to me because like,, you say that ppl pointing out how members of this fandom will make neil very stereotypically 'feminine' is reinforcing the idea of 'masculinity' as one thing and 'femininity' as another.... and i get that we should get rid of these labels. but at the same time... the content itself that ppl are criticising (the ones that 'feminize' neil) are already doing just that. that's why they're criticising it.

i can't point out how ppl are reinforcing the idea that a relationship should have a 'man' and a 'woman', without... saying that that's what they're doing. the writer themselves already sees relationships this way and 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as two different distinct things. that's exactly *why* they're writing neil this way while keeping andrew close to canon.

there's nothing wrong with neil being stereotypically 'feminine' of course. but to act like it's somehow misogynistic for me to go to these ppl and be like 'hey, u shouldn't view mlm relationships through the lens of a hetero one! it can be very harmful' is weird to me... *especially* considering these stereotypes that ppl are pushing onto neil come from misogyny themselves. (ppl making neil much much more emotional than he is in canon while keeping andrew very stoic)

idk, like... ur simultaneously saying that we shouldn't view relationships as needing a 'man' and a 'woman'... while defending people who are doing just that and creating content which reinforces just that.

it's one thing to say 'we shouldn't view masculinity and femininity as two distinct and different things!'/'we should get rid of these labels all together cause they're meaningless'... but if i look at the content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes... then i can't help but feel like ur not as detached from the idea of 'masculinity' and 'femininity' as u would like to believe... i trust the ppl who say these ideas are meaningless while not changing the canon characters because they seem to be sticking to their words.

people will just say that they prefer writing andreil is this heternormative way... they'll just say it what they like or what they're most comfortable writing without ever questioning *why* they prefer it this way.

and if they're projecting.. well then, *why* this couple? why pick an mlm couple to project what is often the experience of a cis woman in a relationship? why pick this mlm couple when there are others that do fit the stereotypical heternormative dynamic? idk. like,, u can do this ofc, but ppl can also call u out on ur shit.

there's an undeniable reason that neil is exclusively the one that ppl pick to make more stereotypically 'feminine'. and there's a reason this type of content is also so popular. and it's certainly not wrong to point this out.

You know, I can see all of these points that you're making. For me, the overall issue of this is very complicated. I am also super uncomfortable with the imposition of heteronormative roles onto...well, onto any relationship, regardless of the identities of the people who constitute it. I was raised smack dab in the middle of the gay community by lesbian moms (together 38 years now, jfc, can you imagine??), so that "man/woman" thing was never something that I grew up internalizing or normalizing. I can recognize that this may give me a bit too much of a sense of objectivity.

However, I'm also like...I've been ruined by grad school. The "feminizing" word makes me really uncomfortable because it starts to stray for me into gender essentialism territory. It also seems to foundationally differentiate between "masculine" behaviors and "feminine" behaviors and I just really hate that? Lesbian moms, trans daughter, bi (and late-in-life trying to see where on the ace spectrum I might fall) self, I've just met so many people with so many expressions of gender and sexuality and I just... Idk, I automatically resist anything that feels like it's upholding "masculinity" and "femininity" as real (as in, not constructed) things. And then I also am like, well, I've known SO MANY gay men who behaved in the ways that the discourse constructs as "feminized" and then I start to feel like, what about these men? Are they less 'men' because of it? How would it feel for that man to read these things saying his identity expression was a problem or a bad stereotype? Do I read *Neil Josten* within that context... no, not really. I think Neil has a 'not enough emotional expression' problem way before he has a 'too much emotional expression' problem.

I'll say here what I often say to my students in complex discussions: I don't have answers. I don't think I'm right and anyone else is wrong. I just have complicated thoughts and feelings and concerns about some of the things that sometimes seem to be left uninterrogated.

So, I do 100% get the need to be vigilant about the imposition of a "man" (dominant, emotionally constipated, sexually driven, stoic) role and "woman" (emotional, needy, teary, dependent) role onto relationships with two (or more!) men or women. I would also argue that we need to get rid of that idea in hetero relationships, too, because it's super damaging. I just wish we could find a way to talk about that that didn't feel like it was accepting this idea of femininity as a given? And I definitely agree that it's problematic when the 'bottom' in a relationship is depicted as the one who's soft and silly and weepy. (Have you read TJ Klune's Tales from Verania series? A VERY fun world that does that not at all and it's great). I'm not saying these things are not worth confronting--I'm just really uncomfortable with the way the conversations are often framed around a concept of femininity/feminizing. It feels like shrapnel, I guess? Like, 'ugh stop feminizing Neil he's not weepy and uwu he's a badass' feels inherently to me like it's making femininity and badassery mutually exclusive? Maybe I'm just looking for a caveat or footnote in the argument that acknowledges that that is constructed *for women too*? And is a part of, like, a larger heteronormative patriarchal structure? And not something that we can just all obviously agree is the way the ladies (should?) behave?

One other question I've been dying to ask, though, is: where are these fics? I don't think I've ever read something where Neil is crying over Jack being mean to him or anything. Maybe if I start to see hints of that characterization, I just close the tab and never end up getting to the 'worst' of it?

Although, if what you said earlier about the "content that u make/consume and it's practically, if not entirely, all andreil conforming to heternormative stereotypes..." was referring to me, then... idk what to say to that. I don't think that's what I do. The heteronormative relationship that you're describing isn't one that I enjoy, desire for myself (or anyone else), or have any interest in reproducing.

Does this clarify what I'm trying to say? I guess it's a really long way of saying, in the old insufferable grad school tradition: well, first we have to define our terms. Because I'm not sure we're all coming up with the same thing when we use the word "feminizing" and that probably has a lot to do with why we keep having this exact same conversation over and over and over again.

If I missed any specific point you'd like to pick at in more detail, please let me know--my very sad platonic life partner (who had to put her beloved 15-year-old poodle to sleep yesterday) and her mom are waiting for me to drive them to the stores for a distraction, so I'm feeling a little time pressure.

[kazoosandfannypacks]

1, 4, 8, 9 and 14 for asks!!

(Okay sorry this is very rambly)

1. what’s your aesthetic?

Oh, darling, YES! Daisies and stars and piracy is a way to put it? I've got this kind of soft pastel daisies and hedgehogs and ukuleles and campers and punchbugs and fireflies and twinkle lights and dandelions vibe but then I also recently have really liked the stars and space and galaxy and flannels and scrunchies and star wars and steampunk vibe and then I also recently have enjoyed the pirates and flowy coats and swords and boats and sails and rope and unnecessarily extra outfits and treasure and romance and old papers and maps and a thirst for adventure aesthetic? Ik that's a lot and those highly contrast. It's a vibe tho, ig. Here's some snippets of aesthetics of mine I guess?

Sources: Inspirobot·my edit·my design

bogkeep on tumblr·my edit and photos·my edit

my edit and mostly my photos·my edit·my edit

4. what’s the closest you’ve come to dying?

Um. Idk? When I was a kid I certainly thought I was gonna die that one time when I was swimming but I can't swim? And I think my sister pulled me out of the way of a car once? And then I suppose I'm pretty close to death when I zipline or do climbing wall at camp and am 40 feet in the air, but even then I have a harness.... WAIT I GOT IT!

One time at school a group of us all decided to go get coffee at, like, 7:45am. My friend and I couldn't drive, so we got a ride from my friend, we'll call him Jerry. Now, Jerry is notorious for waking up five minutes before our eight am class and getting there right on time for it and being tired all the time, but we didn't think much of it. He got there right at 7:45 when we all met up to head out, we got in the car with Jerry, and drove down to the coffee shop. It wasn't very far, but I think both me and my friend knew that Jerry was so tired he was practically already asleep. I wouldn't say that it felt very near-death at the time, but we were the last ones to the coffee shop and the barista could tell Jerry was tired just by looking at him and made his coffee first, despite that he ordered third to last, because he looked like he needed it and that was when my friend and I looked at each other like "dude, we almost died."

8. describe your taste in music?

If it slaps, it slaps! I listen to musicals a lot, and disney movie and show soundtracks *cough cough, tangled*, and christmas music, and christian music (usually small bands that I've seen in person in some way) and also a few songs I'll hear at work or from friends and be like "oh that's a vibe, I like that." Idk if I have a distinct style though, but I definitley like listening to poppy music that feels fun and bouncy, and/or songs that have really deep lyrics or tell a story that I connect with. I find myself listening to a lot of those videos you can find on yt of ben fankhauser or jeremy jordan singing, and I think my favorite song ever is "who I'd be" from shrek the musical. Ik that's a lot I just can't define my tastes idk.

9. who do you love the most in this world?

My little brother! He means the world to me and whenever I'm away from home, he's the one I miss the most <3

14. describe your tattoos/ones you want to have?

Okay so I don't have any tattoos, but I know what I would get! I like the idea of a feather on my ankle- I draw feathers on myself a lot, because sometimes I'll accidentally just draw a line on myself and then make it look intentional by turning it into a feather. I also draw a flower very frequently that would be cool there! I'm most likely to get an arrow on my wrist, because I like the idea that some things have the most value when you let go, but at the same time wrists hurt for tattoos. I also like stars and think they'd be a cool tattoo, but idk where. The final tatoo idea I have for myself is the quote "if it can be broken, it means it still works" from once upon a time because I love it. I write that one on my arm a lot, because it means so much to me, and it always makes me smile when I see it written there!

Thanks for the asks, teacup!

#kazzy answers asks #kazzy rambles #kazzy's kazootuals #star sparkled teacup #introducing me

[evilbeanghost]

Idk completely why, no matter how many times I read the books, I always feel that the notes in Snape's book were actually written by Lily, and not Severus. I have some minor supporting theories but other than that no real reason to think this way. For starters, a lot of the tips do look like they are written to someone and not just notes for the self. The larger reason is that the handwriting is mentioned several times to be effeminate. The handwriting is described in a way to make me think it's very distinctive and should be identifiable. It wouldn't be unreasonable at all to expect the golden trio to recognize Snape's handwriting, given they've now had 5 years of the man marking their essays, leaving notes on homework, and writing on the board. Even at approximately 15 years from the time of writing, Snape's handwriting wouldn't have changed so much that it's indistinguishable. Especially for Hermione who just kinda Does That. But as no one has any idea of Lily's handwriting at the time, that makes more sense to me that they wouldn't recognize it at all. It also makes more sense to me for why Snape would keep the book after all these years. If it was full of Lily's notes and advice, he'd be more likely to want to hold onto it, whereas I can't really see someone holding onto their old textbook for fifteen years, unless it's something lost in like an attic, but in this instance Snape would have had to have held onto it deliberately for it to end up out of his home and into his office six years later.(I believe he started working at hogwarts at 21, right?) He would have had to deliberately pack it into his belongings, and why would someone carry along an old textbook? Oh! And Slughorn calls Lily a potions prodigy, doesn't he? He commends snape for his skill but Lily was the natural at potions. If snape was the one correcting the book, it would stand to reason that he would be the prodigy!(I may be mixed up at this point, I haven't read HPB in years) Regardless, it just makes more sense to me for the notes to have been written to Severus from Lily, even if sectumsempra was created by Snape.

I believe this one is also from you Nonny:

Oh this is the HBP anon I just wanna make clear that I feel Snape's feelings towards Lily are 100% platonic, but didn't initially feel that was relevant to what I was saying.

Hey Nonny, 

Sorry for being so late in answering you - not been around much these last few days. I hope you will forgive me :)

There are a lot of theories about Snape’s Potions book (the dumbest being that this was James’ book *facepalm*), I personally I’m 100% convinced that those are indeed Snape’s notes. To address your clues about them being from Lily, here are my thoughts:

- have you ever written a journal? We do tend to write to someone in them, it’s the same here since it seems that the notes are way more than just potions tips and corrections going by Harry’s attachment to the Prince;

- handwriting has no gender, it’s a silly notion (this is coming from someone who was a little girl with a horribly messy handwriting). Also, I don’t know about you but if you compare my highschool notes to anything I handwrite today you wouldn’t be able to recognize it either. In particular if you were to compare notes cramped in the margin of a book and intended only for myself to something where I would put up way more effort like writing on a board for other people;

- About him keeping the book for that long, it does make sense since it’s full of experimental notes. I still have some chemistry notes from my Uni days that I kept even after my PhD because it was useful. It’s the same for Snape here I think, especially since we never hear about any post highschool education in the wizarding world. There is also the possibility, since it was found among other old potions books, that Hogwarts keep old books to lend to students in need and Snapes’s happened to be among these old books;

- Now, about Slughorn, you need to take some things into account. First, when we see him talking about Lily’s potions skills, it’s always to Harry. It makes sense that for an orphan hearing about his mother is way more relevant in that context than his hated potion professor, even if the latter was equally good or even better. Add to this that Lily was pretty and popular while Snape was dirty poor and an oddball and it’s not difficult to imagine old Sluggy preferring Lily to Severus even if their skills were equals. Since I already did some dig up in the books about that specific topic, allow me to quote myself here:

I dug up my old copy of HBP in order to see exactly what Slughorn had to say about Snape’s abilities at Potions and it is cementing my first take that Severus was indeed the exceptional student while Lily was “just” very good.

This is from the chapter “The Unbreakable Vow” in HBP, the scene during the Slug Club where Slughorn is praising Harry’s skills to Trelawney just before Snape appears:

‘But I don’t think I’ve ever known such a natural at Potions!’ said Slughorn, regarding Harry with a fond, if bloodshot, eye. ‘Instinctive, you know — like his mother! I’ve only ever taught a few with this kind of ability, I can tell you that , Sybill — why, even Severus –’

That last bit clearly illustrate for me that for Slughorn, there were a handful of very good instinctive students – Like Lily –, and then Severus Snape above them.

And a little bit further, while raving about Harry’s Draught of the Living Death to Snape himself:

‘You should have seen what he gave me, first lesson, the Draught of the Living Death – never had a student produce finer on a first attempt, I don’t think even you, Severus –’

Again, it sounds as if Severus Snape was, until Harry, the unchallenged best student Slughorn ever had.

So you see, for me, it’s Snape’s book, it’s Snape’s nickname (I would pay to see his adult self cringe hard at his ridiculous teenage nickname tbh) and it’s definitely Snape’s notes. 

It’s also very important that those are indeed from Severus Snape from a narrative point of view. The connection Harry felt, his deep empathy for the Prince coupled with how good he suddenly was in Potions under his tutelage is so important:

- it shows how similar Harry and Snape are despite their unfortunate hatred, a parallel (along with Voldemort), that is pointed out several times in the books (the lost boys who call Hogwarts “home”);

- it shows that Harry, while looking like James, is indeed more like Lily in nature and felt instantly deeply connected with young Severus, they could have been best friends;

- Harry’s relationship with the Prince indeed parallels Lily’s relationship with Severus: a deep connection of true kinship, a fascination deep fried in a thirst for knowledge, a visceral feeling of closeness, and then: betrayal.

- it shows that, despite the mean professor persona, Snape could have been an excellent teacher to Harry, if only he could have let go of his bitterness;

- it’s important because it’s a rare window into the true Severus Snape, not an act he’s putting up for the world to see. It was the first clue about his true nature and it’s very interesting that it was given to us just before Snape killed Dumbledore, apparently casting him as evil in the eyes of Harry and by extension the reader. 

Here it is friend, I hope I could convince you and if not, it’s ok, it was a fun discussion. Thank you for the ask.

#severus snape #snape #snapedom #lily evans #the half-blood prince #Nat replies #nonny #I hope this makes sense #but I feel strongly about this one #don't hesitate to share your thoughts you all #long post