#but idk. there's fear there that i dont know if ill ever be able to shake.

[skunkes]

ok posting it here bc im not sure if its going to stay in the doodle page

#delete later #deleting soon bc eyes on me #for those of you who kept asking about Something last year LOLLL #sorry this is too entry level vent comic ykwim i jst needed to get it out #im over it in the sense that like ok yeah whatever #but not in the sense that i came out worse than before. i was already Small. ive been further Smallened #i was a rebound and lied to and discarded...which thank god i was Set Free but wow! #all my personal fears reinforced. it is embarrassing for me to want and need...i get it neow. i was a stepping stone i am an npc #idk that i could do it again! im not sure its worth trying i am too much of a...project. #as i was told from day 1 but still ran directly into it #and i was too much of a coward to leave myself. if it happened again i wouldnt be able to leave then either. #im happy that i dont think it could get much worse than all that for my first experience but it was also exhausting #and weirdly at the same time i dont think i cld ever expect better #its almost been a year since its been Done and the words and treatment linger <3 #this is also why i had to enlist talon as imaginary bf number 2 LOL need extra reinforcement and love #cringe as fuck but it rly will never be as good as whats in my brain...i know that neow. i will spare everyone the trouble #and remove myself from the dating pool (<- implying he was ever even in it) #i dont even hold any ill will toward em bc they were right...its just hurts ykwim

[the-gayest-sky-kid]

y'all does it get better

#im acknowledging this is the mental illness and i should trust nothing i feel rn but #in an undisclosed amount of time ill be a legal adult and like. i know it wont get better automatically im not stupid but like #is there an improvement at least #how bad are taxes #i dont know how ill ever be able to have and maintaina job #and like. god thats not even mentioning schooling and all the issues we're having there #chat i fear i may be a failure of a person idk #I'm not being suicidal or anything to be clear im just out of it rn ill be good tomorrow probably #aethers rants #personal posts and stuff idk #cw vent

[scattered-winter]

the funny thing about being aro is that I am genuinely afraid of being alone for the rest of my life, but if anyone even STARTS to imply that it's because I'm never gonna have a joyful and fulfilled life without a romantic partner it makes me so mad I see red

#its. a fear born from a society entirely structured around amanormativity. #im not afraid ill never Find Someone im afraid that all the people ive already found will leave #because this (western) society puts so much emphasis on romantic relationships that any friendships or familial bonds #are instantly made lesser. #so many of my friends and siblings have pushed their relationships with friends (and me) to the side because they have this... #..idk. Bigger And More Important relationship to maintain. #and its all well and good when Everyone has that Bigger Relationship but when someone doesnt want one??? #theyre kind of left in the dust. by everyone. and it sucks #im not saying all the people ive ever known have done this and its unfair to say that everyone Will do this #but idk. there's fear there that i dont know if ill ever be able to shake. #BUT AT THE SAME TIME if anyone tries to say being aro makes my life depressing and sad and empty i am KILLING THEM WITH HAMMERS #aro joy is perhaps my favorite thing on earth. everyone go look at my pinned post right now #anyway idk. kind of a ramble i just got started thinking about all this #winter speaks #<- ish #aro tag #i should start tagging this LMAO

[liquidstar]

maaannnn The Fatigue has been so bad lately i just want this day to be over so i can sleep. theres literally not anything else i could do... but i have to wait...

#i hate it so much im too tired all the time. i do not know what it feels like to not be tired. i dont remember the last time i wasnt tired. #i dont think i was ever not tired genuinely. even as a little kid i remember being tired to my core #the kind of tiredness you feel tingling in your bones dragging on you everywhere you go and in everything you do. its always with me #i wanna clarify that this is a symptom of the type of thalasemia i have and not exactly chronic fatigue syndrome though. but comparable. #i just wanna say that so ppl dont get the wrong idea. but yeah. #i havent really gotten a proper break in weeks and like. i NEED those breaks i feel like my body genuinely cant keep going like this #so i just need to be officially off the clock so i can go sleep and hopefully i can get some legit rest in the coming days #idk fingers crossed bc i fear ill collapse otherwise LOL! (not funny) #and all things considered i have a pretty cushy gig rn! esp considering i dont pay rent and stuff since im like a live-in sitter #but i dont think i was built to be able to hold down any type of proper job. and this wont last forever. i dont know what ill do from here #im too eepy

[toastsnaffler]

I was on the wikipedia page for phobias just for fun but just discovered theres an actual word for a fear of being touched.. 🥹

#haphephobia.... and they list guts from berserk under pop culture references 😢😢😭😭 thats my guy.... #not gonna lie i teared up a bit i didnt realise it 'counted' as an actual phobia #i find it really difficult to talk abt but i have a complicated relationship w touch/physical contact (likely trauma babeyy) #and while i do crave it a lot i also have a very physical reflexive fear response especially if its intentional + i dont expect it #which can sometimes even get triggered just being in proximity to ppl bc like. even the possibility sets me on fucking edge #it would be nice to be as physically affectionate as i naturally want to be without dealing w my fight/flight/freeze but alas #its weird bc there are some random situations where it doesnt get triggered at all but its so unpredictable every time #and varies wildly person to person for seemingly no reason. there r strangers im innately more comfortable with but also friends ive known #for years and will never be comfortable around. i think part of that depends on how strongly the other person communicates and whether- #i feel as if theyre demonstrably able to respect boundaries not just mine but their own too + understand theyre not always fixed #ideally i need to have had this conversation with them so i Know they understand. which is rly difficult i find it so hard to admit #and i have a complicated mental block where i need the other person to naturally bring it up which very very rarely ever happens #idk just an atmosphere of safety yknow. i think its intentional touch that specifically makes me panic bc im usually fine w like- #bustling crowds or even expected social rules like handshakes at interviews. bc its not like they're Trying To Touch Me its just rote idk #hopefully eventually ill reach a place where im able to unpack it and reduce its severity bc man sometimes its fucking heartbreaking to me #bc i do genuinely really like physical contact im an incredibly physical person its my main way of interacting w the world #and the way having to force myself to avoid it meshes w my rsd too augh.... its a clusterfuck #even just having one person im completely comfortable with. maaaaan. #almost makes me miss my ex. at least i was mostly cool around them #god its sucked lately ive been having weird vivid dreams related to it. but whatever its so far down my list of problems to prioritize #and at least i dont get it w my familys dog so i can cuddle her :^) i miss her i cant wait to see her next month :D #anywayyyy thats enough im so tired goodnight every1... #.diaries

[elmmni]

never expected to be outed by the family friend pity she has to die now! (<- shouldve expected to be outed by this woman) 

#my mom has been suprisingly more chill than i feared but that really is irrelevant i was still outed i have a blood feud with this woman now #im gonna cry i was already crying its fucking midnight im gonna walk to her house and punch her in the face idk if shes home #i could never assault her its illegal and for all intents and purposes shes a nice lady but also she has to die #im gonna invent new worse curse words to yell at her im gonna become a fucking witch and genuinely curse her im interfering in the divorce #i wanna hug my gf idk if ill ever be able to see my gf again #i never wanna speak to my mother again she wont leave me the fuck alone #i wanna go rant to my brothers cause its Their friends mom but also im talking to my Girlfriend which seems more important #i walked to the woods at fucking midnight and screamed and walked around the block 4 times before i calmed down i burst into tears the secon #the second i stepped inside #my mom hugged me when i got home she said i was only queer in theory before i learned she knew i had a girlfriend i want to punch her #i have two old women on my 'i wanna punch you in the face' list and i honestly dont know who ranks higher at this point #i never wanna speak to anyone again i need to see my partner immediately #i just saw my best friend 3 hours ago if he doesnt show up to give me a hug in the next 30 minutes i may die #im feeling every emotion in this chilis tonight fellas sorry #i need a punching bag i need to go lay down i need to stay exactly where i am so i can talk to my girlfriend and draw #i fucking hate it here FUCK

[milkyway-personas]

Hi its mee again

not quite sure if ur still writting but i was going to ask for a scaramouche x reader idk if u want a promt or something but uh ill let you choose what you want it to be (please dont make it angst or smut :))

Character: Scaramouche

genre: hurt/comfort

cw: fem!reader, Scaramouche being himself, nightmares, lightly edited you have no idea how long i stare at my posts usually HEWHOWE

Author's note: I hope hurt/comfort counts as not angst hIOEWOIW. Soft Scaramouche is a drug. Have it once and then you're kicking your feet and thinking about him smh smh

He's awake before your fingers touch him. Scaramouche's eyes shoot open, and he's staring back at yours. You're sitting up slightly in bed, mouth slightly parted in surprise. You pull back your hand slightly, and he turns to his side to face you.

"What is it?" he asks. There's the implication of his usual demandingness, but he's too tired to fully commit. You frown as if he had said it perfectly anyway.

"It's nothing. I rethought it, but you woke up before I could pull away…"

"If it really is nothing, then spit it out," he says, curt. He would like to get back to bed, and he knows for a fact he's not going to knowing something could be wrong.

You sigh but lay back down. "I had a nightmare. It wasn't horrible, but…" 

He almost huffs at the simple thing. That's all? To think you questioned if he'd be able to handle it. You should have more faith in him, he is The Balledeer after all. 

He lifts a single arm, and for someone who claimed to be fine you sure do rush into it. He wraps his arms around you as you lean into his neck. A privilege, he thinks, but he isn’t sure if the thought was about him being so physically vulnerable or about him being able to hold you. Maybe both are true.

Words get caught in his throat, and he sinks deep into his heartless soul for words he's always wanted to tell you but never could while looking you in the face.

"All my strength—what use would it be if I couldn't keep silly, little you safe?" 

His words are so soft, softer than he's ever spoken before. He thinks normally this would scare him, but tonight, next to you, in the home you two have bought for each other, but finds it as warming as a summer wind.

"I love you,” he says, burying his face so he doesn't have to think about how embarrassing or wholesome this is. “There is nothing to fear."

"Of course,” you yawn. You shift to get comfortable, and Scaramouche thinks that’s the last thing you’re going to say. “I love you too. For all of eternity, and more, if you’ll have me.”

“That is simply not how that works.”

“I didn’t think so either,” you mumble, obviously dozing off, “but then I met you.”

#scaramouche x reader #genshin scaramouche #genshin x reader #genshin x reader hurt/comfort #does that tag even exist-- #well it does now

[sir-sunny]

can i know more about Kisshoten???? they seem so cool i am very invested in them

IM SO GLAD UR INTERESTED EHHE

(cw for gore, blood, cults and sacrificing animals)

background

ok so bassically grew up in a cult. their bg is effed up akjsdjagh at a young age, like 7 or 8, they were kidnapped by the leader (i need to come up with a good design for her but she's a creepy woman) of a extremist religious cullt. kisshoten would eventually see this woman as their mother and the cult as their home.

their "mother" raised them to one day be leader of the cult

they grew up around lots of death and blood and gore, sacrificing animals (behind the scenes kisshoten's mother would sacrifice other cult members.) however, was a decent mother despite the murder and brainwashing and isolating kisshoten from the outside world and ok never mind aksfghsfj but

its worth noting that kisshoten themselves never actually killed any human themselves. they also didnt know about the human sacrifices until they turned abt 15. they were horrified to find their mother killing a fellow cult member, but their mother was able to manipulate kisshoten into calming down and staying quiet.

that was the last time they talked about it. from then, kisshoten questioned the cult and feared their mother but ultimately was too afraid to ever try to defy her.

eventually, when kisshoten turned 17, their mother became fatally ill and was told that they would take her place as the leader very soon. but before their mother was to die, they were instructed to do one thing.

basically, kisshoten's mother told them to sacrifice her before she died from her illness. unfortunately, they were manipulated and pressured into complying; they thought they had no other choice.

so kisshoten killed their "mother".

and as this was happening, it just so turns out that the cult was found by the authorities and was disbanded. kisshoten was found over their mother's lifeless body.

hopes peak

so after kisshoten left the cult, their life consisted of lot of doctor visits and therapy (they weren't convicted for their mother's death because i mean ykno they were essensially brainwashed)

during that time, they were sought out by hopes peak as, guess what, the ultimate cult leader (if maki can be the ultimate assassin, then there can be an ultimate cult leader ajhsdghas) kisshoten had no desire to go to hopes peak, however, wanting to move on from their trauma but, with no one to turn to and no where else to go, they accept.

at hopes peak, they dont talk to anyone, really. they keep their talent a secret and overall, they're a complete outcast. until one day they meet a very strange individual

idk if anyone's reading this far ive talked too much lmk if u wanna know what this person's deal is akhfjghaj

#also its shocking how much stuff kisshoten goes through only to die later in the killing game ajsdgahsfg #if anyone reads this ill bring them back to life #jk lol #unles.......................... #dr: dw #ocs #kisshoten #fangan

[steelycunt]

hi ridi! i was curious if you’ve ever thought about writing a sequel to of witness testimony? i know youve written a post prank fic before but i feel like the dynamic and plot of owt was so unique! im curious how you think the post prank portrayal would be different in a world like of witness testimony where there is (somewhat) unrequited love. i feel like we’d see an even more pathetic side of sirius than usual after the prank…

hello my love!! sorry for my late reply...i think someone asked me a similar question in the last few months so i spent days trying to find that ask and have finally resolved myself to the fact that i either cant or i hallucinated it. however!! i dont know if id ever write a full-fledged sequel...technical writing issues aside i do actually still quite like owt as a fic!! i think as a contained piece im quite happy with it and i just found it really fun...i have even thought before about perhaps rewriting it because i think i could do that concept a lot better now but i dont know if ill ever really do that. but writing r/s from a third party perspective was really interesting and something i would like to do again!! so idk : ^ )

i definitely think that owt s post prank would be far more pathetic...well it just went really badly for him didnt it. it went so badly. it really was quite a mess. i think r would not be able to escape the nagging fear that s did it to punish him for how badly the confession went and i think s trying to double down on expressing his feelings after doing that would go so poorly but what else can he do really!! i think perhaps the only way theyre getting through it is a long period of iciness and then becoming friends again through a tacit agreement never to acknowledge the events that preceded the prank and then eventually the dam will burst and theyll have to confront it again. certainly i think everything would move a lot slower...a very rough year ahead of s i fear..

#telegram #anon #r/s #owt #of witness testimony

[birthday-of-music]

1-12 FOR THE WRITING ASKS !!! hi :3333

1. What font do you write in? Do you actually care or is that just the default setting?

uhm. i uh. write on the notes app. sometimes on word though and i just use calibri bc default

2. If you had to give up your keyboard and write your stories exclusively by hand, could you do it? If you already write everything by hand, a) are you a wizard and b) pen or pencil?

GOD NO I COULD NOT.. fun fact i never fixed my bad pencil grip when i was really young so i hold pens weird as shit and it hurts after a little while. english exam had me dying every five minutes shaking my wrist out and that was only like 600-700 words i think

3. What is your writing ritual and why is it cursed?

another fun story i used to write about a hundred words every night on my old ipod that i kept in my room before sleeping. said ipod was kind of halfway to exploding. like uh. that one “pillow” post with the dangerous battery. iwdont do that anymore though and i threw out the ipod everything is fine

4. What’s a word that makes you go absolutely feral?

I DONT KNOW UM. in general i have a notebook full of pretty words (ethereal, golden, eternity, that kind of like. overly fancy and poetic shit)

5. Do you have any writing superstitions? What are they and why are they 100% true?

uh. i dont think so im kind of basic

6. What is your darkest fear about writing?

i guess that when i post something people will hate it? like. outright hate it and say its bad and stuff?

7. What is your deepest joy about writing?

i suppose the opposite of the above but also sometimes ill look back at my writing from a year ago that isnt like. in my mind anymore and ill be able to read it and enjoy it as not something i wrote? bc ill forget i wrote it and then i get to enjoy stuff that is extremely catered to me lmao

8. If you had to write an entire story without either action or dialogue, which would you choose and how would it go?

oh dialogue definitely theres something kind of fun about writing stuff without dialogue idk what it just. is.

9. Do you believe in ghosts? This isn’t about writing I just wanna know

uh. nope not really

10. Has a piece of writing ever “haunted” you? Has your own writing haunted you? What does that mean to you?

UM. same as you all the bright places. also the fault in our stars. very clear what types of books i like isnt it. also this fic which is saying a lot because i dont care about genshin anymore but every time i think about it it hurts.

11. Do you believe in the old advice to “kill your darlings?” Are you a ruthless darling assassin? What happens to the darlings you murder? Do you have a darling graveyard? Do you grieve?

uh. i like hurting my faves but only if there is comfort otherwise i die inside. every time i write hurt no comfort i lose a bit more of my sanity

12. If a genie offered you three writing wishes, what would they be? Btw if you wish for more wishes the genie turns all your current WIPs into Lorem Ipsum, I don’t make the rules

i always wish for more wishes but lorem ipsum i could never… three wishes uh. one that every time i write a character i can characterise them right. two that when i proofread i never miss any typos. and three um.. the ability to have continuous motivation to write a multichaptered fic

#asks #☆ reze 彡 #hello :3

[bonesandthebees]

I got a little too excited when reading rose and

so it took me a while to work thru the chapter since I write my comments as I read and I decided not to repeat everything started in the thats important to learn about the characters bc that would be almost the whole chapter so i saved it for my analysis here, but I kept getting lost in a cycle of too many thoughts and not much reading about the characters and everything going on oops

time to gather the base info we have (im telling myself analysing this is practising for my literature classes so im technically doing stuff for school when in fact im procrastinating stuff for school, ill do it after this I promise I just need to get this out of my head)

wilbur:

- studying to be the next consil and phil is giving him some lesson, but it seems hes only now going to get fully introduced to all the inner workings

- the ferronnière: hes basically constantly aware of it, both physically (keeps checking he has it) and mentally (aware of his position and controlling his actions, the metaphor of ferronnière pressing on his head as the pressure being put on him) which isnt really healthy but theres not really another option

also he keeps making sure the ferronnière is visible whenever he needs to be respected and we saw a guard doubt him before they saw the ferronnière so its not just a feeling but the ferronnière actually gives him respect and wilbur himself doesnt really have any

- his relationship with phil is as can be expected, phil is not a bad dad, he needs to prepare wilbur to survive in court, but he might be a bit too focused on that + his duties as consil and that results in very strict and bit distant parenting

from his fear of phil not telling him about the announcement and the flinch when called his full name you can see that wilbur is very afraid of disappointing phil, bc in the past that probably meant something like shouting and he was probably called wilum at those times

but its not that phil doesnt care, hes making sure wilbur will be able to be a good consil and I believe it when he says hes taking care of their family (which is just sandduo, or maybe techno too?) and so far he looks satisfied with wilbur, proud even (me when phil is proud of wilbur in any universe bdhdhdjjfjen)

- hes really close friends with niki, since childhood, and there is deep trust between them, with wilbur letting niki even touch his ferronnière, something very personal and important, sharing fidgeting with their rings....

they plan to hopefully rule together (which is not at all unrealistic in their situation) but it wont be able to work the way it has so far, the way they imagine it, already with the strain of wils promise to phil and more will surely com, niki will learn about wilbur not telling her everything eventually and idk how shell take it

im not saying their friendship couldnt work im just afraid it wont survive bc theyll keep trying to hold it up to their childhood standards which isnt possible in this situation and I predict a falling out maybe becoming enemies even

- we dont see much of his relationship with quackity and the tension of niki vs q with wilbur on nikis side is ever present, but theyre still friends

when quackity arrived at the palace they were all still kids and while they did know about the competition going on but they probably had some classes together and I assume wilbur and niki were there only other kids in an adequate position to play with so theres nothing weird about the friendship

also I wouldnt be surprised if phil encouraged it, it was him who told wil to keep his chances open on all fronts

they also both have mutual respect

theres also this undertone to their conversation that is just so tntduo of them

1/2

wilbur's ferronnière plays a rather symbolic role in the story. it's important to wilbur because it's his status symbol. it's the thing that, in his mind, gives him power. that's why he's constantly aware of it. that's why he's constantly adjusting it. it's representative of his position as the son of the consil and everything that comes with it

phil definitely isn't a bad dad in this, but he's not a great one either. he and wilbur have such a complex relationship I'm so excited to really dig into it. phil deeply cares about wilbur and wants the best for him, but wilbur is terrified of disappointing his father. phil sometimes sets his expectations too high, and wilbur scrambles to try and reach goalposts set out too far. but phil is still proud of his son, and just wants to see him thrive.

niki and wilbur's friendship certainly goes through a lot in this story... I'll say that

oh yeah phil 100% encouraged wilbur's friendship with quackity. they have a very... unique relationship i'll say. they're also childhood friends like he and niki are, but they're not as close in some ways and, in a sense, they're closer in other ways. you'll see what i mean later lmao

#ask #jiksvokrat #rose ch 1

[barking]

continuing my diary time

oh. wait. um. so today i randomly started dissociating harder than i have in... idk, i genuinely cant even remember the last time i felt like this (in a beyond-the-standard-amnesia way). in a way that just... hit me so hard and so completely that it warped reality. including feeling overwhelmingly physically ill and nauseous, in a way that often involves some deep and messed up parts.

and i was trying to pinpoint when exactly it started today, if it was all day or if it started at some point throughout. and uh... at brunch today, with my boyfriend, i talked about some really deeply repressed details, things i forget completely and forget even now. some. really... concerning ones that leave large gaps with even larger implications. im nauseous even now, and i hate that i dont even know why. that feels so unfair, especially because i know ill never, EVER have any confirmation, even if i do remember. even if the implications of those memories develop into something more solid, more discernible. to fear not remembering, but also to fear remembering without any outside confirmation.

thats something that makes me panic. even now. but... i can deal with it, kind of? im sleeping alone tonight, and the darkness of sleeping alone in the bed is a comfort. i love my boyfriend very much, its very nice to sleep with him. but also, theres so much to that. no matter how much i love and trust someone, i dont think ill ever be able to truly relax and unmask. just like i dont think id ever trust anyone to trip sit me lol which is what has stopped me from doing acid etc.

downside is i work opening shift tomorrow, so i get up at 5:45 am.

i feel like. i wish i could have a break. i wish it could be night for a while, and i wish i could safely explore this.

my one coworker, they get it. they did that, and i dont know how. but i think ill ask tomorrow. i havent had someone who Gets It in that way in too long. i just wish i could stop feeling so nauseous and panicked.

[scattered-winter]

1, 4, and 24!!! pls!!!!

1: what are 3 things you’d say shaped you into who you are?

i did already answer this one like. this morning BUTTT i dont remember anything about what i said so. ill answer it again <3 - i think the biggest and most obvious one to me is the farm boy upbringing. like idk. having to wake up at the asscrack of dawn every day growing up to go get some work done before school and having to work through blizzards because the animals still need fed even when its cold and late at night has definitely taught me a lot and shaped my work ethic i think? i don't like it when older people give our generation shit for "not knowing how to work" or "having it too easy" or whatever but. i really do think working on a farm can be good for a lot of people just because a lot of the grit and resilience i have now probably comes from that. there's no weaseling out of the work, because the animals need feeding and the crops need watering and the work needs to get done even when you don't want to do it. and on a less psychological level i really really enjoy manual labor because its what i've always done - music for sure !! i started piano lessons when i was 5 (my grandma was my teacher) and ive been singing since very young too. my family's favorite activity when we get together is to just gather around the piano and sing and make up harmonies on the spot and such. its a lot of fun - my siblings have influenced me a lot too. especially the three closest to me in age because i spent the most time with them growing up. but there's common mannerisms we share and even though we're all very very different people, things don't really feel right unless we're all together

4: what’s an inside joke you have with your family or friends?

couldn't decide between them so i'm giving you two. cope w it <3 FRENCH BREAD and DANG, THAT'S A HOT UNIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

24: what’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for?

not to get real on a monday night but. leaving the church was genuinely one of the hardest and most isolating things i've ever done. i'm the only member of my family who has done so, and all of my friends/all the people i knew growing up are part of it too so by severing my ties to the church i kind of had to cut a lot of them off, too. it took years for me to be able to fully cut myself off from the environment, and it sucked pretty much the WHOLE time lmao but. im really proud of myself for doing it. because im so much better off now than i was 5 years ago. there's still a lot of old fear and things i'm still trying to unlearn that i will probably be spending the rest of my life grappling with but honestly i think the hardest part was initially leaving. and i've already done that. so. honestly im very proud of myself for that

ask game

#TY FOR ASKING MWAHHH #fox

[noxiatoxia]

Hi! So I have a few things I wanted to say/ask so hopefully this isn't too long or out of place or anything

Okay so first off, you always reblog and say such nice things about my art in the tags and I wanted to say I appreciate it so much, I never know what to say but like you're the backbone of the hikakao community so it feels like a seal of approval in a way haha. And your art is so amazing like, damn! I love it sm. Kaoru has been my fav character for nearly a decade so I love seeing that its not just me he has a grip on, and as an autistic person myself who loves princesses’ and specifically Cinderella… well your hc means a lot to me haha. Oh and your hanahaki fic??? I ugly cried. SO damn good like the characterizations… one of the best Hikakao fics I've read on god

So I kinda wanted to ask two things, first being if you had to choose for the other hosts to have a fav princess who would it be? Im personally very partial to Tamaki loving Belle, given the like french beauty and romanticism of it all, plus her giving herself up for the safety of a parent connection. I like the idea of him being kinda dumb and taking it as you need natural inner AND outer beauty, which he oh so obviously has in spades and that kind of nonsense. Idk I was just curious if you'd have an opinion on this as ive been giving it some thought lately. Especially on Hikaru, I think he would like a more down to earth princess that doesn't have too much frills or singing in the film, like Merida because it's the most adventurous one without character songs if you're just going off disney. But idk I feel like another princess would suit him better, I just can't think of one rn

Second was if you had any thoughts or analysis of how the maid the twins had when they were young impacted them and their development? And more importantly how it impacted them each differently? Like obviously her saying no one may ever be able to tell them apart fucked with their heads, but like idk. Ive been thinking about it. And what if they never met her, and she never said that? Would they of been less warped? I think they'd just meet someone else who they liked who couldn't tell them apart, who'd just say the same thing in a different way. But how key was her betrayal of trust during a high stakes robbery of their parent's estate to all this? Im just musing at this point lmao

Oh also less an ask but I personally hc Kaoru to dissociate and the like frequently, and how maybe them being in sync all the time in their mannerisms really helps him with his autopilot moments, and Hikaru is always ready and able to catch him up to speed on what's happening and what they just did, if its something he would care to know that is. And I hc Hikaru as bipolar, his depression just manifests really angerly instead of traditional sadness. But my point is I love the idea that they're just so used to the other that any mentally ill or neurodivergent behavior one of them does the others just like “Oh yeah Kaorus just like that. You know how it is. What do you mean you don't know anyone afraid of hairdryers? Like legit afraid? Yeah no thats just a thing. Hmm. Well you should get over it it's his fear not yours I dont see how it concerns you.” and like gets defensive if anyone tries to say it's weird lmao

Okay that was long oops I hope this wasn't out of place or weird or anything, I got excited talking about it haha. Hope all is going well!!

THIS IS SO FUCKING SWEET YES!!! I WAS DRAWING HIKAKAO RIGHT AS YOU SENT THIS ASK TOO BTW.... i was htinking like, should i post this... theres kissing..... but then i remember why it's so rewarding to do what I love <3 really and truly. I've met SO many incredibly kind, creative, and thoughtful people through hikakao it's insane. And tbh it makes me want to never stop posting about them even if it nets me hate every now and again LMAO it's just, stuff like this is irreplaceable to me. And I LOVE your art!!!!!! It's SO cute... the picture of Kaoru dressed as cinderella made me legit scream. I sent it to all my friends and showed it to my brother haha. The whole Kaoru/Cinderella headcanon is very personal to me as you can probably gather from my carriage posting. so whenever I see it I go nuts (in a good way. it not destructive).

I think it's very funny (in a good way) that you already had a special interest in princesses, esp Cinderella. For me, it's like...I can NOT look at anything Cinderella related normally anymore because I'm reminded of the carriage allegory, and yet we have Cinderella movie nights every thursday now because of me...I describe my relationship with Cinderella as "stockholm syndrome" because i legit didn't care about or really even know Cinderella before all this went down, but now she is my Worst Enemy but Best Friend and if anybody says Cinderella is mid I'm blowing up another hostage.

Also!!! Thank you so much about the fic!!! While looking back I feel like there are def things I could improve on, I do really like that fic. As somebody who's personally arospec, I have trouble writing the "feelings" of romance so I tried my best. I have other Hikakao adjacent stories I'm writing and I wanna post them here!!!

Okay, onto the questions...firstly, YES, Tamaki DOES seem like the type to love Belle. He may also enjoy Rapunzel and her whole being held captive her whole life because maybe he feels the same way with his own family situation. Haruhi strikes me as a little mermaid type, no real reason, I just get that vibe. Although Kyoya probably relates to the original fairytale of the little mermaid in some ways for sure. I actually HC Mori's favorite movie is Beauty and the Beast, so he's probably also really into Belle. As for Hani, I'm not sure...Giselle, maybe. He likes her whimsy.

Hikaru is interesting, because I feel like he's like Me in which he HATES Cinderella because he has to hear about it 24/7 but if ANYBODY said anything mean about cinderella he'd be like...you bitch...you take that BACK. Altho I have this headcanon that Hikaru's favorite princess is Alice from Alice in Wonderland (tho she really isn't a "princess") because he always liked that movie better. Kaoru would cry as a kid tho when Hikaru said he thought that movie was better so he pretended to like Cinderella more. But he doesn't. Merida tho...that's a very good choice, I can defff seeing Hikaru being a big Merida fan.

So, to the second question: it's very interesting! What stood out about that maid to Hikaru and Kaoru was the fact she was mean to them. being raised as rich and "better" than everyone else, all the maids HAD to be nice or they got fired pretty much, so to see a maid go against that status quo, to treat them honestly...that's why they liked her so much.

If anyone else had said "nobody will be able to tell you two apart", would it have hurt? sure. But it wouldn't be devastating, because they likely wouldn't care about that person's opinion. but they liked this maid, they looked up to her in a weird way. Having somebody you like and trust tell you something hurtful is way more harmful than if a stranger did it.

Now...would they be LESS twisted if it never happened? I doubt it. I mean, maybe they'd be LESS focused on looking identical, but they would still be rather cruel and mischievous, because that's how they were simply raised: they were raised being taught their actions have no consequences, because they're better than everyone else. Simple by being "Hitachiins", they had a pass to do all sorts of nasty shit to people because they were rich and powerful. Besides, canonically, their mom & dad were barely in their lives, and child neglect causes the children to act out to get attention, usually via things that would get them scolded. So, while they miiight not have been AS keen on matching had that maid never said what she did before leaving them forever, they would probably be just as mean and cruel.

To le third point: YES that is so good. Kaoru very much dissociates in my heart of hearts as well. He has days on end where he doesn't feel like he's in his own body, everything's sort of a blur, he can't remember things well...Hikaru's there for him in those moments at least.

I always saw Hikaru and Kaoru as ADHD/Autism solidarity. But bipolar is an interesting one, too. I could def see it.

Also the hairdryer thing FUCKING RELATABLE...I'd think Kaoru is "afraid" of hairdryers/thunder - just really fucking loud noises that are sudden and/or unceasing. They don't make him "cower" necessarily but like, he gets super jittery/irritated because he gets overwhelming anxiety from it. Hikaru as a kid probably didn't understand why his brother acted so strangely to certain sights/sounds/touches, and maybe at first teased him about it, but when it was clear these things actually DISTRESSED Kaoru he stopped and did everything he could to make him feel better. and if anybody makes fun of kaoru for it Hikaru beats the shit out of them.

This was super nice ;w; I love receiving long asks, asks about ouran and the twins especially. legit if you ever wanna talk about them u can send an ask or DM me you seem really nice!!

#;noxiatalks2ya #hikakao #ohshc

[yuukei-yikes]

hii ive liked ur art for a while now and i love how u portray the yuukei quartet literally autism central... also im living for ur future designs especially momo (shes so cute im shaking and crying) and shintaro i like how u made them look more similar. my older brother likes amphibia and like a year ago i think he sent me one of ur harutaka posts like "THIS IS THE KAGEPRO RIGHT?" and it was a weird moment but funny. ANYWAY. I understand the unending urge to think and talk abt kagepro so very much so uhmm i'd like to hear ur opinions on konoha as a character but if u also want to maybe talk about what harutaka means to u and ur favorite aspects of their relationship!!!

THANK U!!!!

1. im so glad someone noticed i tried to make momo and shintaro look similar!!! i thought i failed so this made me really happy LOL

2. tell ur brother i am so sorry also ask him if he liked the amphibia ending. there is a correct answer to this. but if all my twitter followers ask then noooo there is no correct answer it is subjective 😃😒

3. MAN.. KONOHA AS A CHARACTER HUH. truthfully, being the haruka fan i am i BARELY make konoha content or even talk abt it. yes it. konoha it its pronouns realness. ok here is my hot take. i dont see konoha as like.... A Guy. to me its more like a kid or something idk!!! a pinocchio sort of case. suddenly i am alive what do i do sort of case. i think its funny to see this thing that is not human and if it was human it would not be an adult controlling some grown guy's body

anyways um i do love konoha. i am very sad to see it go too, and i think haruka (sorry i know this is abt konoha but i cant help myself) would feel very outcasted since she feels konoha was everyone's friend, not him, and fears they might resent him bc they wish she was konoha. ofc everyone misses konoha but they understand haruka is the rightful owner of the body, and in my hc awakening eyes stays within haruka to keep her illness harmless. and he knows it is within him watching out for her and is thankful 💗 ending of steven universe moment with the 2 stevens u_u ok those are the same and haruka and konoha arent the same however one cannot survive without the other and *explodes*

4. bro this reply is already so long. u cannot just ask me that. ill try to be as brief as possible. i got obsessed with kagepro therefore harutaka at age 13 and i am TWENTY TWO YEARS OLD. i grew up with these bitches. while i had and have other interests, kagepro NEVER and i mean NEVER stopped being my main interest. this shit has plagued my mind for years. so what does it mean to me. EVERYTHING!!!!!!! IT MEANS EVERYTHING.

they mean so much to me i cant even Explain. i am so happy kagepro doesnt ever get content canon or even fanon and when it does its never harutaka bc the amount of Control it has over me is something scary. remember the lost day hour comic. my GOD that shit almost KILLS ME!!!!!! and i wouldnt be able to tell u my fave aspects??? i genuinely Dont know why i chose this thing specifically to obsess over, much less why them specifically. but idk i love these 2 so much and i could talk abt them for hours which i have done and will do again.

i love that the disabled characters are the love story of the whole thing and i love the m/f ships where the guy loves the girl so much they just moan and throw up abt it . even tho harutaka is like the gayest hets ever (any pronouns haruka and takane real) ummm ummmm. they are literally in love. Mis wiwis

#sorry this is so long. #ask tag

[chew-and-spit-it]

I've reached a point in my ED were I dont weigh myself anymore, dont count calories, nor anything remotely disordered I guess, at least to a intentional level.

But I'm surely not recovered, and I do not eat in a normal way either.

i've let go the habits that I had to force on myself and honestly I just focus on protein and at the point I'm at I dont even have to think about not eating.

I have days were I eat the normal amount of meals (3) and I feel like shit and insecure. But that happens so rarely that I really don't need to do shit about it.

My day consists of high protein breakfast, and all the macros and then I just have that for the day in terms of meals and have small bites of food or snacks.

I honestly should stop with the mini packages of peanut m&m because at this point Its an addiction.

Im honestly worse when it comes to malnourishment right now than how I was a year or so ago when I was obsessing over my diet, but who cares?

I do 2h of artistic skating 3 to 4 days a week and walk.

I don't know my weigh but people have told me Im skinnier.

I dont feel much skinnier but I do feel like my body got a bit toned.

I still wish I was skinny, but not so intensely if that makes sense, I'm just not so desperate anymore, prbably because now Im much less obsessive.

I am painfully anemic but that adds a twist to it lol.

Even though I'm not obsessing over starving myself it's like nwo I learned to do it unsconsciously. Eating is not a chore but It's something that I need energy to do? Also, I think I got so picky with my food, to the point that unless I have what I crave and want to eat I will not eat. Even if there's been more than 8h since I last ate.

This of course has consequences, my body temperature goes crazy, and I feel like I cant handle any type of indoors that dont have some type of air flow because I just get dizzy all the time.

Even tho I am not obsessive anymore, I do " track" the way I ate in the month by checking my cycle. If my period comes later than 35 days, means that I did good and ate very little.

If not, it means that ate normal. My cycle has times where it either im regular by 28 days with no day off, or im around the 40 to 50 days cycle. no in between.

It's not very healthy, but At least im having my period, just not the regular one.

Im never lost my period, it just has this long ass cycles sometimes, which ends up skipping a month.

I also like the idea that im not trying to starve, I just happen to do it, so I just dont go against it. When I go out I no longer make sure I eat before, I just do the most intricate makeup which curbs my hunger in fear of ruining it.

College helped me with this because I spend full ass days in there without having a single bite of food, and when I got home at night I just wanted something fast to eat, my way to go is a protein liquid yogurt and some fruit and bread.

Honestly, this way of being disordered its the best one I had. Feels completely doable and I dont have to think about it or fill my mind with it.

I feel better about my body also because I am focusing on a specific sport, and being able to do what I want kinda helps somehow. I love the idea of being so thin I can see my bones but if I get skinny in a 18 bmi kind of thing I will not be unhappy.

I've had an ED since 15 and im 21 now, shit got a bit old and I guess this is what it is to have a somewhat "high functioning" ED ? idk.

I don't think Ill ever recover.