#but theres nothing i can say to fix it

[caffeinatedopossum]

I'm learning that the normal things that bore people (long car rides, stereotypical chores like cleaning, waiting in a line, etc) are actually things I tend to be perfectly content doing, which makes me wonder if maybe when I say I'm bored, it's actually something else.

Like for context I'm disabled and because of it I don't have school or work. I also don't have any public activities I participate in recreationally like clubs or something. So I'm just sitting alone at home all day, no money or car because of my disability. And I can only focus for so long on things like Netflix or YouTube. I can't get into video games anymore, I can't focus on drawing usually.

It's to the point that I've started getting annoyed when people talk about how "everyone" has stuff they need to do because *I don't* and I fucking hate it. I don't know, maybe it's just a lack of meaning in my life? Like there's no real reason for me to do anything... no one *needs* me to draw, to watch TV, to play video games... the only useful things I do are talk to other people and clean, but whenever I can't do those things, I think I may as well be asleep

#first world problems again but yeah #i know i complain a lot but i am genuinely trying to problem solve #id love to say 'i wont die if i cant fix this' but that might only be half true since this constant feeling of boredom and meaninglessness #can really trigger sh and suicidal urges for me #im supposed to be getting adhd meds again soon and thats great and all but why do i even need them?? #theres nothing i need to accomplish. nothing i need to focus on #i really am just here cause a handful of people like me

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#ever sit like a corpse in your own body? #im doing a job i wasnt designed for. theres this funny thing we do in academia where we beg for money. write in consise phrasing why we #deserve funding. what it is about our project what it is about our personhood that makes us deserving. what we're doing in our present to #give back and ensure a better future. and i can pull together a description of a nervous kid who couldn't read but loved to learn anyway. #who didnt kno how to hold proper a conversation until college and so tried and got better at ppl. who wouldnt let a language problem get in #the way of information gain. who cares about making complicated info visually digestible. and that's a nice story. but it falls apart when #projected into the future. what r u doing for the future? im just trying to continue existing #dont u want to help other ppl like u? sure but i dont have anything nice to say to them. does it ever get easier? no. it probably never will #ur brain was not built for reading. sometimes things r just terrible and u have to accept that. develop a crippling mental disorder or do #something where u dont have to read. see. not helpful. bad attitude. im just too full of blood and broken glass. all my achievements r #stained red and it hurts to look at them. to get myself to function i have to squeeze so tight i can feel the strain in my head. and even #then its not enough. do u kno what its like to spend ur whole life building something only to watch it burn to ashes in front of u? just a #broken machine rotting away underground where no one will see it. but dont let things fester. speak up if somethings wrong. and say what? #lmao i wrote this last night and then today when my advisor was like: hows it going? do u feel like u have enough time to get everything #done? and i had the gall to be like *voice strained high to prevent crying* its alright i think ive got enough time. bc yea technically i #think there r enough hours in yhr day that if i really tried i could get it all done. but that doesn't count the time i spend laying with #thr absolute desolation of my mind. so no. there isnt enough time bc im not doing well. but there's nothing he can do abt it so ya kno #whats the point in talking abt it except to say ya sorry im such a wretched miserable person. i dont kno how to fix it. my enthusiasm is #hidden under layer upon layer of pain. i burnef out before even getting here and im only making it worse #but whatever ill see my therapist Tuesday #unrelated

[kohakhearts]

well folks its been a good two months of denial but i am finally ready to admit that the reason everything sucks is because of major depression relapse. if i werent so depressed id make this everyone elses problem by projecting it on to blorbo but alas

#taylor.txt #incapable of making this not a joke but i do have to say it kinda sucks #like obviously ive never been 100% free of my depression probably on account of it developing when i was a Child and then not getting any #treatment or even really any sympathy for until i was in my late teens but. BUT. even my historic mental breakdown 2 years ago didnt really #feel like depression. like yeah i was sad and hopeless but this is very different. sad and lethargic more so. simply too tired to be lost i #despair. which is i guess a good thing because it means its easier for me to fix. its just that right now im kinda stuck in it #i dont know if id say ive experienced major depression since my first year of uni #thats why ive been denying it all this time despite it being pretty…glaringly obvious #anyway. good news is im meeting with the prof of one of the classes im currently failing this week #and now i guess i kind of have an idea of what to tell her because all this time ive been struggling and i havent understood why #the content makes sense. i understand whats going on. but my memory has gotten so bad recently and the energy required to do my assignments #has been way too much. and im past my limit on that at this point unfortunately. like yeah shes probably gonna tell me well that sucks but #theres nothing i can do to save your grade and thats fine but at least i know even if it was a Me Problem that i let myself get depressed #again in the first place being actively depressed is a major barrier that i at least know isnt 100% me being an idiot with a bad attitude #i will struggle to the finish line but i will make it there. even if i fail a class or two in the process #and regardless of if it gets better i will finally go see my therapist again in the new year </3 something obviously led to this so whos to #say it wouldnt happen again if i just let that fester. whatever it is #also writing has been tough for the same reason school has been tough but its still happening and i will do more of it when school is over #i PROMMY

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#fucking swear i hate my dad so much #I'll never forgive him for how he was when i was a child #and right when i was starting to see him as a decent dude #he goes and acts like a child #youre 54 years old and raising your voice at me when i did nothing wrong #his stupid ass was the one who cut the pvc pipe and he thinks me telling him how to properly fix it is me criticizing him #and i told him you want me to criticize you ? fine. why were you cutting below the water lines to the washer? #theres clearly an opening showing the pvc pipe and you were the one who cut there still knowing it was there so why did you do it ? #you want me to criticize ill fucking criticize #all he has to say while screaming at me like im the one who created the problem saying shut the fuck up an go to sleep i dont want you here #he gives a stupid bullshit fix for it talking about using glue 😮‍💨 like dude you need pvc primer and glue to seal it correctly not fucking #elmers glue and tape wtf i was giving him an actual real option to fix it and he cusses me out like im the one who cut the damn pipe #i tried writing in my journal but my hand keeps cramping up #i cant stand how much of a child he is #he has no emotional control he takes his anger out of my mom and i and i fucking hate having to be the one to back away and apologize #when its his fucking issue not mine he was the one raising his voice when all i did was give him sound advice to fixing the broken pvc pipe #and i get cussed at and screamed at being told im criticizing when all i did was offer a solution to his own fucking problem he made worse #on his own accord and now hes breaking shit and kicking doors and slamming them all the while cussing over something #that can be fixed its cool to be like fucking shit i fucked up and get that energy out but to fucking throw a temper tantrum and break stuff #is fucking ridiculous it fucking takes me back to my childhood and how fucking horrible he was to my sister and i.. #we walked on eggshells around him cause any little thing would make him erupt into anger and physical bouts... #lord forbid he has to do something around the house and he breaks something he will cuss and scream at us for no reason like we did it #but im in the one who has to apologize thats fucking bullshit #i really want to kill myself rn im so over the edge rn i just keep thinking of my mom and why i cant kill myself yet #not until she passes away i cant kill myself.. #i long for the day i die im so tired of living here

[taikk0]

JUST SAYING ONCE I LEARN TO PRONOUNCE MY T'S PROPERLY ITS OVER FOR YOU BUTTNUGGETS

#IVE ALWAYS PRONOUNCED T'S WITH MY TONGUE AND I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO FIX IT ITS BEEN THAT WAY FOR SO LONG #BUT ONE DAY. I WILL PRONOUNCE MY T'S SO GOOD YOULL THINK IM A WHITE PERSON #WHAT SUCKS TOO IS THAT IM BILINGUAL WHILE ENGLISH IS MY FIRST LANGUAGE I SPEAK TAGALOG MOST OF THE TIME BECAUSE OF MY ENVIRONMENT SO I- #-HAVE NO PROPER WAY OF PRACTICING IT BC FILIPINOS PRONOUNCE T'S DIFFERENTLY BC OF THE LANGUAGE AND UNLESS IM IN AN ENGLISH SPEAKING- #-SETTING THERES NO WAY IM GONNA BE ABLE TO PRACTICE CONSISTENTLY 💔💔 #even worse i slur over my words all the time. i have a stutter. i have VERY frequent voice cracks and when i try to suppress them i sound- #-ver odd. PLUS ADHD #idk if adhd might be one of the causes or of it gets added to the pile but dude i actually need help 💀💀 #but another problem is i dont think anyone would see the point in it #i communicate just fine its just that i have so much trouble communicating verbally (vocally?) in a way that isnt unnatural and in a way- #-that properly articulates what i want to say and how i say it. often i have so much trouble showing varied emotion to prove a point when- #-im referring or talking about something that isnt reactionary #LIKE DUDE WHY IS TALKING SO HARD 💔ALL PEOPLE CAN TALK WHY DO I HAVE TO SUFFER THROUGH ALL PF THIS THIS SUCKS #which might be why i prefer writing what i want to say bc unlike talking the way i speak has nothing to do with it. i get given time to- #-think. and with an adhd brain writing what you want to say is so much better because typing it out involves the conscious decision to- #-type it all out and it acts as a filter #BLEFGGGH SORRY I KEEP BLABBERING ON THIS WSS SUPPPSED TO BE A SILLY LITTLE POST IDK WHY I WENT HAM IN THE TAGS #anyways umm yeah i dont like talking. i like communicating and maybe socializing tho. but not talking. does that make sense??? #there r also times where i straightup cant speak at all. i want to speak and i want to say things but my brain feels too busy or ig blank- #-but not empty and i cant form words or sentences and all i have are thoughts and feelings #anyways i think asl is neat and i want to learn it not just for my benefit but also for accessibility #also filipino sign language if im up for it #man there is something wrong w my brain 💀 #mikyomix rambles #yeah this one was a true ramble but only in the tags

[genekies]

screaming in the club

time for another vent in tags

#so i was joking and i thought it came through but im also dumb and autistic and my jokes dont always cross. sO #i was joking about one of my roomates not seeing Nightmare Before Christmas before bc i was showing 2 of them my picture vinyl of it and whe #n one of them said they never saw it i said “but you were a loser on tumblr in the 2010s wdym” and their fiance was just rude to me and i th #ought it was clearly a joke but ig not and they lowley attacked me for it? im just?? i tried to clarify that i was joking and they know im a #utistic. hell the one i was joking to is also autistic but idk so now i feel like utter shit especially after all i did today thst juet drai #ned me. ive been trying to fix our 2nd shower. i had a meeting. i had an extremely hard therapy session. and i showered today. its been hell #like i am trying to get thru relapsing on SH and my ED and ofc they dont know but that shit made it worse and i dont want to say anything bc #then ill feel like im guilt tripping? idk but im also super nervous about a HRT appmt i have coming up and i cant afford it and we have no #food in the house i can eat rn and no one has gone shopping. i cant go shopping either bc i cant drive/dont have a car. and its making it #harder to help get back on track with eating when theres nothing for me to eat? so everything is fucking amazing right now. #the only meals i could POSSIBLY have and all claimed by the one roommate i was joking with. it all takes up half our freezer too so thats #fucking awesome. all this food for one person and none that i can eat or the other vegan in the house can eat. i have been hungry for DAYS. #all there has been for me to eat is cup ramen and grilled cheese. AND SOMEONE WHO WASNT FUCKING VEGAN ATE ALL THE VEGAN CHEESE IM GENUINELY #SO PISSED OFF? like dude yall have your own cheese wtf #the thing is its already really hard for me to tell when i am actually hungry bc of years of ignoring it so when i actually feel it and ther #es nothing it really gets to me. im so tired and idek where my EBT card is to get myself something. its all just so much. #i just want to lay in my bed and sleep for days. but i cant. i have too much shit to do. like even just tomorrow i have to clean the #bathroom. mop the kitchen. do dishes. shovel snow. and just generally take.care of shit because since we have 2 roomates MIA right now and #no one else wanted to do shit i had to step up and i am STRUGGLING. i have been for a while. the thing is everyone that didnt sign up for sh #it didnt have much going on besides probable seasonal depression #i relapsed. have debilitating mental health. i can barely get out of bed before 4 pm. and i have to take care of myself and my cat. #im so close to snapping on them at this point #i need the one roommate i actually like to come back or i swear i will lose my shit. hes only been gone for 6 days but HOLY SHIT #everything has gone to shit #vent over ig im going to sleep soon. still hungry if i cant find something.

[hinderr]

the armorer for blorbo bingo?

HIIII OLLY :D

I havent seen much of any armourer content at all actually so I cant say that the fandom is wrong about her (except for that weird era where people were convinced she was working with Moff Gideon. Armourer bbg get behind me)

#the mandalorian #the armourer #hinderr asks #ask bingo #olly !! #i cant say 'i can fix her' because shes perfect theres nothing to fix <33 #my wife #also 'pretty privilege' is just me calling her pretty and her competence ABSOLUTELY factors to that

[toastsnaffler]

tried going to bed early bc ive just been sitting staring at the wall or my phone all afternoon but it's been 3 hours now and I can't stop crying. :(

#I dont even know why im so fucking sad. this last week has felt like getting hit by a train repeatedly for no reason whatsoever #and it fucking hurts so bad and i cant fix it because i dont know whats wrong!!!!!! #i think thsts why its been so hard sleeping lately like my brain is problem solving but theres nothing there to be solved #and i dont even have anyone to talk to about it and even if i did i wouldnt have anything to say bc i dont know im just fucking. sad #like yeah ive gotten upset abt other things but thats me projecting my mental state onto everything. theres no original cause #unless it really is just pms and some hormonal shit which is likely but kinda insane to think abt. like yeah my body has decided #to flood the entire fucking system with Kill That Egg™ for a straight week except its too effective and makes me want to kill myself also #but apparently not fucking effective enough to start my actual fucking period. yippee #i want a thousand year long hug and to cry rly snottily into someones shirt and then to fall asleep and wake up feeling rested #man. nothing makes me feel any different. exercising and sleeping and socialising and eating and showering and reading #and i can feel my interest in things trickling away like i havent been able to do a lot of shit i rly want to bc of this barrier #and ive been trying to make myself do some things regardless bc inactivity will just make it worse. but nothing works!!!!!!! #i dont even know anymore man. i do everything right and im still as depressed as i was like 8 years ago #and i know thats just the depressed brain talking like i know i dont constantly feel like this but its hard to see outside of it man #u spend ur whole life drowning but its ok bc sometimes u get ur head above the surface long enough to take a breath or whatever #insert overused mentally ill metaphor here etcetcetc #ok i think ive run out of things to say im gonna try sleep again. day 1 billion of making longass vent posts sorry everyone #gn #.vent

[sonknuxadow]

i know i complain about this all the time but i cant stand how every time a bad looking movie or show is coming out a bunch of people rush to go "we can bully them into fixing it like we did with sonic!!!" even though 99 percent of the time the thing theyre complaining about isnt comparable to the sonic movie thing at all and whoever is saying that clearly knows nothing about how the sonic movies were made and why the redesign was possible Biting scratching killing

#anyway if i see one more person say 'we can get them to fix the monster high movie it worked with sonic' im going to explode #with the sonic movie they only had to change one animated characters design when the animation wasnt anywhere near done anyway #with monster high youre wanting them to change every single live action characters design and change the story and change everything #even though the filming for that movie is already done and they physically cant change that stuff anymore. #this is nothing like the sonic thing!! stop comparing them #and im not even defending the montser high movie theres a lot of things i dont really like about it im just so tired of the sonic joke #i think anyone whos going to talk about the sonic movie redesign thing should be legally required to actually do research on it #before saying anything/j

[frame-of-mind-au]

I get like a dozen or so people that follow this blog every week and um... sorry to be the bearer of bad news but this blog is probably going to dead for the foreseeable future. Not doing any full blown projects in this fandom anymore, the damage to my mental health isn't worth it, and I can't say I've been a big fan of what the people in it have done to me. Maybe one day I'll finish this up but that day won't be any time soon.

#what can i say? it's not much fun being lied about to all my friends and mutuals or having my DMs shared around #not much fun being convinced you're fundamentally broken and there's nothing you can do about it either #look. i get that theres a lot of cool folks around here but this just aint for me. #and quite frankly. theres nothing that i could ever do to fix things. i would know cause ive tried. #one person can only do so much yknow? #they say 'you're not immune to proppaganda' and boy were they right #frame of mind au #meta

[skeletalheartattack]

👁️👁️ do you still play tf2?

👁👁 a little! i don't play much of Live TF2 these days, only because my computer would rather explode than allow me to run it at a good enough framerate, though there's a few settings ive only experimented with recently on other source games.

i deeply love tf2 as what it is still more or less, it's mostly my laptop that's always been a problem is all :(

#ask #anon #and it wasnt always that way! i use to have a REALLY good laptop (granted it was a generic dell laptop of some kind) #but it burned out back in 2017 and i couldnt fix it <- knows nothing about fixing laptops and shouldnt have attempted it himself #i miss that laptop dearly you have no idea....... #i could run so much stuff on that badboy..... #anyway because of my laptop (and internet) i dont play a lot of games as of late #last few games ive played are Runescape. Crash Team Racing. and a sourcemod name of Pre Fortress 2. #ive been playing that last one on and off because i have a lot of fun playing a somewhat beta recreation of TF2 #but i have to warn you that if you want to play it. turn off voice chat and text chat. theres only usually one populated server #and most of the people ive had to play with there fucking suck nuts and bolts #if it weren't for that id reccomend it more or less. #i get a lot of enjoyment out of the gameplay changes they make. from the grenades. the armour system. and some changes to weapons #if you play PF2 on players muted and with sprays disabled? id say its a fun experience #all classes are a little more mobile due to all having grenades. heavy less so but yeah #you can definitely tell how much grenades distupts the core of TF2s gameplay. but i like the option of having both games #theres no loadouts in PF2 though. youre restricted to the beta loadouts of each class. #and its not necessarily a ''Pure Beta Recreation'' since they have engineer hauling and upgradable buildings #but i dont mind personally. the grenades are a lot of fun to experiment with #dispensers also deal damage when exploding. and ive used that a lot on 2fort while guarding intel #sometimes an enemy rounds a corner and doesnt see it. and im notified on my HUD and i instantly blow them into gibs #fucked up a medic and heavy's uber push because they werent expecting it #exploded the dispenser in front of the heavy so the heavy lost 80% of his health. shot him with one blast and dead #then chased down the medic before he could even really process what happened to be able to uber #its really fun to experiment with dumb shit and see what you can get away with #just the playerbase sucks really. keep VC and text off and sprays disabled and you might have a fun time #youre also a lot tankier due to the armour system so thats kinda neat in a way #anyway thank you for the ask anon :) #id like to play TF2 more if it werent because my laptop

[transbee]

hi honeys i am drunk posting again. hope u are all doing well I have been diagnosed with In A Weird Zone Lately disorder and I think it's Terminal

#im doing....hm. hum. #gripping the sink. i will start spending more time out in the world i will not continue to be a shut in i can form human connections. #on a similar note i have this problem of swiping right on tinder As A Joke and then i wind up matching with people. and theres this couple #VERY OBVIOUSLY AND EXPLICITLY. looking for someone to unicorn for them and im this close to just saying fuck it and doing it #for the experience and a good story if nothing else. idk. #not to get too personal but i do have a very strenuous relationship with sex recently but itd be nice to meet people...idk .... idk #in other news ivr #ive made it one of my goals this year to wear as many silly and out there outfits as possible. mostly to get some use out of my wardrobe.. #it's been. very neglected recently. i think if i start actually using more ill let myself get some new clothes soon. #anyway i hope you all have a lovely Time im gonna spend the rest of my night failing to fix my sleep schedule and #conversing with the little people in my head and on my phone. maybe having a cigarette. #.txt #kissy #mwauh

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#well. today was a nice day of not doing anything but drawing really. theres an au where i went to art school and am a happier person lol #except not really bc im sure my head would ruin that too. anyway. its a shame i have to return to the pain tomorrow. i have so much to grade #plus a paper to write plus data to work with. a protocol to figure out. and an exam to study for and a final project thatll kill me #god. i also have to get ready for lab Monday. christ. and what shall i say to my therapist Tuesday? well we could try to tackle the deep set #looming issue that prevents me from getting better in our tiny 50min session or i could be like listen. just fucking listen. let me give u #the case 4 and against me having adhd so i can stop feeling fucking nuts. just like give me feedback. ya kno? #it would b inattentive bc im not hyper unless im losing my mind and bordering on hyp0mania. but my focus is something i cant control #executive functioning has always been a problem but now im so worn down im in danger of actual consequences. and its not just things i dont #wanna do. im not just anxiously avoiding. i cant start tasks and stick with them. i flip back and forth and get nothing done. i spiral #sometimes for hours. im not doing anything fun im just not doing anything. frozen in anguish. i dont even wanna think abt how much money ive #lost by not filling out reimbursement sheets which arent hard to do. theyre easy i just never do them. why??? i dont fucking kno. but im not #forgetful. im thinking constantly abt these things. i just cant make them happen. theyre stuck buffering. i do have memory issues tho #my short term working memory is like that of a literal child. so i cant follow complex instructions. i constantly need new info. constantly #need sound. spoken words plus music at the same time. but the main reason i need an answer to this is the reading issue. which is that im #dyslexic but also my thoughts r like an interfering frequency. without realizing ill b thinking and not reading. its a problem no matter #what im reading. its severely disruptive. i will physically read out loud to try to hold my attention in place and still get distracted by #my own head. do u kno how frustrating it is to read something aloud 3 times and not know wtf u just read bc u arent thinking abt anything #interesting u would rsther b reading but u can't fucking pay attention long enough. genuinely if its not adhd and i cant get medication to #fix my focus issues i dont kno wtf im gonna do. im so bad at reading and its extremely frustrating. but is it just dyslexia? idk what i #described doesn't fucking seem normal or like a reading problem. sounds like a focus issue. so riddle me that #idk ive got adhd on both sides of my family plus my focus fluctuates with ny hormones plus homones possibly induce hyp0mania. like i mean #ive got other issues which make a diagnosis difficult to parse but like i feel like that's decent evidence for possibly adhd? my friend said #she was always worried she had a brain tumor before she was diagnosed. to me ive always felt like my brain is full of holes. im missing the #parts that would let it operate correctly. the frontal lobe is just fucked. ugh. i wonder how much accommodation i could get from the #disability office if i actually went to them. i wont bc im fucked up and i dont think they could actually do anything for me at this stage #but alas im curious. ugh. y do i do this to myself? i kno y but not enough time for that in 50min. bad attitude mostly. half my brain #just craves death. the other half is just trying to tread water but its hard with someone trying to drown u. so its all fucked #unrelated

[silenthillrn]

Lmaoooo

#fix her shit #i love how people think i cant tell when theyre intentionally trying to set me off like as if i hadnt seen all the #deliberate provocations and sabotage efforts #and lack of respect by telling intimate personal details of my life ans my boyfriend's life to your friends as a joke like #im not blind and im not stupid and in the end its funny how it blew up after trying to turn me against my best friend #like we both saw the intentional mentioning of sensitive subjects to rile us up #but its not ok if we do oke thing but ok qhen you do it #im done w adults who act like children #like i know you think I'm stupid and dont respect all the shit i did for you YEARS ago #and eventually clocked out when my depression got too bad #and you tried to ruin my other friendship and it didn't work because we are all stronger than ever and i love mg group #im posting here bc it will never be read by them and if it does i know this asshole is just gonna tell everything to his friends bc #theres nothing going on w them so they feel better by putting others down #i did you solids for years and you forgot that and i feel like i was taken advantage of #i also know you were back in town when i had a fucking crisis and i kept my mouth shut but im not stupid #i didnt give a shit tho bc i coukd tell you started to resent me #and that shit back in January where you ruined the fun evening in thr group by being aggressive towards my boyfriend who was just teachin #us how to play the game and never apologizing for anything ever and meaning it because you just say what you can without #owning up to it and say whatever to get people off your back #because youre too prideful and egotistical and call women your moms name when you get mad at them like a fucking child and weirdo #good luck functioning as an adult because you need anger management and proper guidance #you never did shit when your friends told me to kill mysekf as a joke and tell people i dont know intimate details about my life but would #be mad if i told others all your intimate details and shit i know about you #im done w hypocrites and this is the year of me getting rid of toxic people #also saying my friend need to in regards to her PTSD honestly reeks of words from someone who hasnt dealt with shit #and is insensitive as fuck #saying someone with PTSD needs to fix their shit is insensitive and you just got mad because we called you out on shit and actually stopped #biting our tongues for the first time #trting to impress your friends by talking shit about other people to them while theyre there #youre a fucking joke and we are all laughing at you rn

[our-lady-of-mcr]

everytime i think im done ranting i remember something else LMFAO this one is extra long i hit tag limit god mf damn

#self #for instance.....my mom wants me to cut off everyone who is still tied to the school #and im so mad at myself for feeling a certain type of way when the campus manager called me not too long ago basically to tell me she doesnt #trust the girl who did this shit and she wasnt mad at me but was also mad at me for bringing her to her dads house #for reference we were trying to get a cat from the campus managers dads house LMFAO #and i honestly cannot wait to speak to her again and be like 😔 god dammit you were right like you were every single time #i just dont understand the wiring in her head to think the shit she says and does to people is normal and okay and how she doesnt realize it #is literally a mental health break. when i finally told my mom the first thing she said was shes probably off her medication #which.....probably isnt wrong sadly coming from someone who has borderline and very easily can lose it #but the difference is i dont give in to the urges to try to hurt everyone around me in every way i can #and me and her have said before that we thought she might also have borderline because we were very similar #but god damn does she love proving that if she has it its extremely severe or its something else entirely #on an honest note. shes incredibly narcissistic and i know her mom is part of the reason shes that way bc she was given princess treatment #her entire fucking life and then doesnt understand when other people dont treat her the same way #i hate rambling about this and i hate it that it is bothering me so fucking bad but like ??? #if youre going to decide that you can put our past aside period and move on then fucking do that and stop bringing the past up as a way to #hurt me and the people around you???? she acts like shes not done horrible fucking things to people. so sorry i wrote a letter that was very #honest at the time. so sorry that when you found out i apologized for it and said i regret it because 2 weeks after my apology i no longer #regret writing it. if its making school a living hell for you....theres probably a reason for that girlfriend #i am not the person who put that shit in your folder #though i seriously fucking doubt its actually in her folder shes probably assuming it is #and youre the one who made a complete ass of yourself to every educator that ever stepped foot in that building #that has nothing to do with me that you are a literal warning given to every new educator!!!! i havent even been in school there in months #yet IM the problem??? how am i the problem when i graduated in fucking january???? everything since then falls on you #AND YET AGAIN! MIGHT I MENTION! IT IS NOT JUST MY LETTER!!! THERES AT LEAST 2 OTHER ONES!!!!! #BECAUSE IM NOT THE ONLY PERSON SHE DOES THIS SHIT TO!!!! #god sometimes i sit back and realize that theres a reason she regresses as a person and i do not #im not going to sit still anymore and let someone walk all over me and she can thank herself for that #shes who taught me that blocking and running as fast as i can doesnt fix anything #so here we are bitch. youre not blocked and im sure youre sitting at home thinking about how youre right about everything

[yelloworangesoda]

i hate the food situation at my house so much for the love of god. theres only so many times a man can eat ramen with nothing or tuna with nothing

#theres no fucking. ingredients. theres nothing to add. i used to walk around my kitchen trying to look up stuff to make with what we had but #it required like. an onion. an egg. a spice. a vegetable. and we dont have that #and something about me. idk what it is idk if its me or my dads fault but i cant ask for it. i cant. i think part of it is bc i need the #ingredient for my one thing and then. it goes bad and its my fault and i feel bad #i hate my food situation so much. my dad makes this food in the microwave that he knows i dont like or eat. but if i make something else he #gets offended like thats not fair #and i feel bad for complaining bc i should just get a job and buy my own food but im not gonna do that bc im not gonna get a job. #i have trust fund money. like a decent amount from when i was hit buy a car #i should move out of state like right now. and live off that and when it runs out. ill just lay in the street i guess. i hate my life so #much guys its not funny. idk what to do. theres no fixing this theres nothing i want to do and nobody can help me bc theres no solution #everyone ignores it bc theres no solution to my problem. im never gonna be happy. its never gonna be worth it #nobody wants to tell me thats life suck it up or die bc they know id rather die by a mile. im so embarrassed of my stupid life im such a #failure. i want to kill myself bc i dont want to work like how pathetic is that. thats so stupid. i dont really say it to my parents bc they #would just laugh at me. or yell at me. i dont know what to do. i dont know what to do. i find myself hoping i get in a car accident and die #anytime i go out. i hope i dont wake up in the morning. i hope something bad happens and its not my fault so i dont get the blame i just get #the benifit of not having to do this anymore #god thats so. dark. its how i feel. #its getting to the point where i dont feel like i should say im not gonna kill myself at the end of these. im still not yet. but it feels #like a yet situation. like its gonna get to the point where i start trying again. #im still not there yet though. please dont… well idk what happens so suicidal adults. call the police on me. my methods arent any more #refined than they were when i was 14 trying to drink. nail polish. #simons spouting #vent :( #suicide //