Journal Entry #40: Trying to figure out my purpose.
I’ve been thinking about the Force lately. I wouldn’t say I’m super in touch with it, but I’ve come to understand that it’s always there. If I quiet my mind and sit in silence, I can sense it, like a humming in my chest. But…I don’t often make the time to meditate.
I elected not to become a Jedi, but I think I have a higher Force sensitivity than most. Especially since my uncle has taught me how to recognize the Force—not to wield its power, but to observe its energy passing through me.
I wonder what it means to be a Force-sensitive non-Jedi. To be a Force-sensitive working a 9-to-5 desk job in the most banal sector of corporate news media. Am I serving some higher purpose in the galaxy, with my restaurant reviews and community event coverage? Is it the Force’s will to assist me in meeting a Friday deadline, or not losing my mind when that one coworker is getting on my nerves?
I think of Luke, rescuing orphans and training them in the way of the Jedi, empowering them and sending them out to bring light into the darkness. I think of my old pal Fannie, one of Luke’s students, who went back to Ryloth to help free women from slavery. It’s no question that their lives’ work hold immense purpose.
My life runs on a never-ending loop. My alarm goes off in the morning, I get up and make caf, drag myself out of the apartment, go to the gym, go to work, come home, scrape some kind of dinner together, look at memes, go to bed, and then do it all over again. And it’s like…what am I even doing? Did my parents fight a war just so I could do…this?
Sometimes I think that, if I took some time to attune myself to the Force, everything would become clear, and even the most mundane of things would come alive with a new sense of meaning and purpose. But somehow, I’m afraid to reach out to the Force. I feel like the Force knows me…knows that I am a son of Skywalker and yet denied the path of the Jedi. And for what? To sit at a desk, churning out low-stakes articles for people to glance at for two seconds before they scroll to “breaking news.” Is there now a hole in the galaxy where I should have been?
Maybe I was supposed to become a Jedi after all, as much as that scares me. Maybe I’ve missed my destiny…
Or maybe there was no destiny written for me in the stars, and the pen lies squarely in my own hand…and I seem to have the worst case of writer’s block, ever.
My mom didn’t want me to move out and go to college. She was worried about Snoke preying on me again if I was separated from the family. If I was going anywhere else, she wanted me to be with Uncle Luke so he could watch over me. But Dad and Luke stood up for me, which surprised me, and reluctantly, Mom let me go. I think part of her was hoping I’d come back home after I finished my degree.
I wish I could prove to my mom that I’ve done it. That I’ve made my way, and that I’m happy with my life. But my life doesn’t feel quite right, somehow, and I’m not really sure what’s missing. I mean, things are okay. But I don’t think life, this grand adventure only experienced once, is supposed to be just okay.
I guess I need to spend some time thinking about this. But, like I said, my life is on a loop and now it’s time to make dinner. One plum-tomato and sardine sandwich and a blue milk protein shake, coming right up.
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This will be of interest to a very limited audience (aka me, my sister, maybe one or two other people on the planet) but I took the Hunger Games simulator and put Match Game people through it. The result is priceless.
Our tributes:
(Honorable mentions to semi-regular cast members like Bob Barker, Patty Duke, Mary Wickes, etc.. Not enough room and if I’d expanded the cast to 36 then that was too many. I realize that folks like Bill Anderson and Jack Narz were not particularly regular panelists at all but I loved their appearances on the show so much that I needed to include them.)
Let the Hunger Match Game begin…
Pretty much everyone ran away. Solid strategy.
Day 1. It seems fine at first but things got very bad very fast.
Suddenly we’ve got FOUR deaths on the very first day. Debralee died in a dumb accident, Nipsey is out for his own teammate’s blood so badly that he DECAPITATED him, and Gary Burghoff just offs two people right away. Yikes.
Stay tuned…
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