#fan fiction is my comfort object
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Hi.
I’m working on coming back to the world of fic writing after a very long hiatus. TLDR I got sober and had a baby and my perspective on the whole world changed, as it does. So if you’ve liked my fics in the past, I’m sorry I’ve been MIA for so long. Here’s a teaser of what I’m working on right now. It’s called State Lines.
“there’s no such thing as a clean break when your heart starts bleeding out.” - chance peña
Day 1
She sold her penthouse and bought the car. A gray sedan, plenty of room for all of the belongings she cared enough to travel with. Nothing flashy, something reliable and low maintenance that wouldn’t call too much attention to her presence as she made her escape. All that mattered to her was that the car’s suspension wasn’t impacted by all of the emotional weight she was bringing with her on this journey to nowhere. She should have said something, she knows that. But what do you say when you’re leaving everything and everyone behind?
She didn’t know where she was going, not that it really mattered. She’d been driving for two days, only stopping for gas and compulsory restroom and food breaks. The more distance she could place between herself and blonde haired blue eyed loves of her life, the better. So she drove, vaguely eastbound with stinging eyes and an aching heart.
Miles passed and the road lines started to feel like metaphors, lines in the proverbial sand. Endless expanses of pavement and exit signs beckoned her forward, the promise of anonymity and rebirth lingering somewhere on the horizon as she drove. As her old life burned to cinders behind her, she felt less like a phoenix and more like a nondescript speck of ash, floating aimlessly on the wind. And maybe that’s all she was now, without her.
Day 3
By day three, Lena had to stop to sleep. She’d pushed herself as far as she could, coffee and disgustingly sweet energy drinks sustaining her only to the point of blurred vision and shaking hands. So she found a slightly innocuous looking hotel a few miles off the highway in northern Texas, pulling her borrowed (now stolen) NCU baseball cap down as far as it would go to obscure her features as she checked in. It helped, she supposed, that the kid behind the counter couldn’t drag his eyes away from the football game he was watching long enough to look her in the eye, so being recognized wasn’t an issue. She paid for the room in cash, as she had with everything else on this trip, and she tipped the boy an extra $100 bill to ensure housekeeping left the room alone until she’d checked out. Leaving a paper trail would defeat the purpose of a clean break, and she couldn’t risk being recognized by a well-meaning staffer trying to offer more towels.
In the safety of a locked hotel room, Lena took her hair down and tossed the duffle bag on the bed. It was getting dark out, and she closed the heavy curtains to keep her eyes from searching the clear sky for familiar streaks of red and blue. It was only a matter of time, she knew, before her absence would become obvious. She’d left LCorp on sabbatical, leaving Sam at the helm for the time being, vaguely committing to take the reins again sometime in the future. Her new phone was blissfully quiet, Sam and Jess the only two she trusted with the number. News alerts about superheroes and aliens and secret government agencies were disabled, and all that graced her lock screen was a stock photo of some rainy trees.
As she sat down on the bed, exhaustion starting to settle into every nerve, she couldn’t help but wonder how the hell she got here. Not physically, that was obvious. She bought a car and drove for three straight days until she realized she was endangering the other drivers (though there’d been very few) by continuing on like this. She just didn’t trust herself to keep going without rest, so here she was, in a Hilton hotel in fucking Lubbock, of all places. Trust. That’s what this all boiled down to, wasn’t it? Misplaced trust, betrayal of trust, lack of trust where it was dutifully earned with literal blood, sweat and tears. Trust, broken and shattered and disintegrated in one fell swoop with her former favorite person’s too-little-too-late confession.
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hello! i've struggled with writer's block for so long that i've forgotten how to write something that i genuinely like... recently i've been trying to go back, but given my current schedule and me being in med school, it's impossible for me to sit down and just ... write but do you have any tips how i can slowly ease myself back into writing? thanks so much 🥹🙏🏼
Slowly Easing Back Into Writing (w/ a Busy Schedule)
1 - For Now, Write for Fun and Relaxation - When you're neck deep in work, school, parenting, caregiving, or any other of life's big commitments, you may want to go the low pressure route with writing and let it be an outlet for fun and relaxation. This gives you carte blanche to write when, what, and how much you want without having to worry about any sort of "progress." And the beauty is, whether you write five words a day or five-hundred, you are still "making progress" in terms of honing your writing skills and adding to a body of work. You just don't have to be focused on that for now.
2 - Meet Yourself Where You're At - Even when you give yourself permission to write for fun, you may still find yourself wanting to create goals, a writing routine, and a writing schedule... and that's fine, just be sure to meet yourself where you're at when creating these things. In other words, be honest with yourself about things like available writing time, energy requirements, potential distractions, steady commitments, and other potential challenges to meeting goals and sticking with a routine/schedule. Be flexible. Have reasonable expectations. And give yourself grace when things don't go as planned.
3 - Go For the "Low Hanging Fruit" - Getting back into writing doesn't have to mean pursuing big writing projects, and it honestly probably shouldn't when you have other big things going on that need to take priority. Luckily, there's a lot of "low hanging fruit" you can go after to get your words in. Those will be different for everyone according to where you find inspiration and motivation, but some examples would be journaling about your day or dreams, writing reviews of books and movies, writing out your feelings about a particular current event or something unusual you experienced that day, flash fiction writing prompts, short poem, free writing, writing exercises, etc. In other words, things that allow you to write as much or as little as you want, and you can switch it up depending on how you're feeling.
4 - Spend Time Filling Your Creative Well - If you're limited on time and energy, don't underestimate the importance of using the free time you have to fill your creative well... read books/short stories/fan-fiction/magazines/news stories, listen to audibooks or podcasts, watch TV shows or movies, play video games, watch documentaries, learn about things that interest you, research your family tree... anything that puts stories and story elements into your head is going to help you be a better writer. And if that's all you have time to do right now, that's okay, too!
5 - Make It a "Whole Thing" - If circumstances permit, take whatever writing time you have each week or month and "make it a whole thing." Get yourself a nice/pretty/fun notebook and some nice and/or colorful pens. Create a writing playlist. Find a special place to write (it can change as needed) where you'll feel safe, comfortable, and will be relatively distraction free. Create a little writing routine for yourself, like drinking a certain beverage, starting by listening to a certain song, wearing a particular hat or comfy cardigan, eating a particular snack, putting on some mood lighting... whatever works. It could even be as simple as putting a particular object next to your keyboard like a pretty rock, a scented candle, a certain plushie... anything your mind can start to associate with "this is writing time" can help trigger things that will get you into writing mode when it's time.
Here are some other posts that may help:
Guide: How to Rekindle Your Motivation to Write
Guide: Filling Your Creative Well
Getting Excited About Your Story Again
Getting Unstuck: Motivation Beyond Mood Boards & Playlists
Getting Your Writing Magic Back After a Break
Writer’s Block
Happy writing!
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I’ve been writing seriously for over 30 years and love to share what I’ve learned. Have a writing question? My inbox is always open!
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I know that I’ve touched on the harassment that people are getting for posting theories about Tech being alive, but there is another element that I believe we should discuss: the fact that the harassment is being disproportionately lobbed at autistic fans. Now, I’m not trying to imply that all of the people leaving these nasty comments are sitting around thinking about how much they hate autistic people, but whether they realize it or not, the types of posts that they tend to leave nasty comments on tend to be posts made by people displaying what might be autistic traits. In fact, a lot of posts that have these harassing comments are made by people who make it no secret that they are autistic and sometimes even mention it in their bio.
So what do I mean when I say that a lot of these posts may hint at OP being autistic? For starters, autistic brains tend to latch onto things with a great deal of intensity, and sometimes our brains latch onto specific fictional characters. We know logically that these characters are not real and that there are objectively more important things to worry about, but our brains simply do not care. Focused autistic interests are a source of a lot of comfort and stability for us in a world that is often overwhelming, and they are important to us as a result. A lot of the people dogging the Tech posts seem to take issue with how “obsessed” people are with the character and his survival, which in some cases, is due to OP simply being autistic and having a focused interest.
Another trait that can manifest in autistic people is difficulty with emotional regulation, meaning that even “small” things can make us more upset than our peers. The people leaving harassing replies seem to have picked up on the fact that people are “too emotional” over a fictional character and sometimes even make their replies extra graphic (ie. “he’s rotting at the bottom of the chasm”, “he’s flesh paste”) in order to get a rise out of the OP. Obviously, not everyone who makes posts like these or has these challenges is autistic, but I believe that my point still stands that going after people with these traits will cause autistic people to be disproportionately targeted, which is an ableist pattern.
Sometimes, however, the harassment feels more intentionally targeted at autistic fans. A lot of Tech fans really value Tech as autistic representation and feel like killing him off in our current popular culture environment where a fair chunk of autistic portrayals are negative is in poor taste. The “Tech is dead, get over it” harassers blatantly ignore or ridicule these statements, showing zero empathy to the people who feel seen because of this character. I have seen people bulldoze into posts where autistic fans talk about how much they hope he survives because they see themselves in him with comments like “he’s dead, get over it.” In one instance, I saw an allistic fan tell an autistic fan that Tech was “forced diversity” and that if Disney was going to attempt autistic representation, then the character shouldn’t be “boring” like Tech. I don’t think I really need to explain why this is inappropriate.
It’s fine to disagree with a popular fan theory or debate about it in good faith with someone who is up to it, but what I am seeing goes well beyond that. Harassment is never, ever okay, and you should know better than to leave replies like the ones in these screenshots below when you see a fan theory that you don’t agree with.
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How are you able to enjoy toxic/unhealthy/“problematic” ships/characters without feeling weird (for lack of a better word) about it?
I ask this because I want to be able to do this myself as it seems like a much more enjoyable way of engaging with fiction to me. I can get over some ships just being toxic and the characters not being good together and still enjoy their dynamic but I have trouble with the other ships that feel morally wrong. I know it’s just fiction but I can’t seem to get over the ick feeling I have when I think about those ships/characters. I feel like I’m being too puritanical about these things but I don’t know how to stop feeling like something is gross when I feel it’s gross…
Do you have any tips to stop jumping to moralizing ships/characters?
thank you very much for the ask, anon!
i'm going to be upfront that this reflexive gross feeling isn't something i've ever really struggled with - both in fic and more broadly. this is due to various personal idiosyncrasies, above all the fact that i've got disengaged boomer parents who didn't police our media consumption [my favourite book when i was eleven? lolita...] and that i'm a doctor, which is a profession which requires you to develop a very high threshold for what you find disgusting. the human body - at all stages of its life-cycle and its cycle of decomposition - produces a lot of different fluids... and it's also the case that [just as if you can think of it, there's porn for it] if an inanimate object exists, somebody somewhere has got it stuck inside them...
and so the situation that i find myself in is that i consider it infinitely less weird that i enjoy the odd bit of hot tomarrymort action than that i actively enjoy cutting through bone with a saw...
but, obviously, "get a medical degree" isn't particularly helpful advice...
i am a ride-or-die fan of the concept of stepping outside of your comfort zone. this is why i'm such an avowed multishipper - i think it's good for us as fandom citizens to examine the potential of our faves in relationships [romantic or otherwise] which are either not their canon endgames or which aren't our preferred pairings, and in situations which don't align with their canon experiences [whether that means making them suffer or giving them full-on fluff]. it draws out the multiple aspects of a character to consider them from these different angles - and it prevents us from getting so stuck in one interpretation of a character or configuration of a ship which means that it puts our backs up to stumble across stories which approach things differently.
but stepping outside of your comfort zone doesn't mean that you have to go enormously far. it may be that a reader decides - having only ever read teen-rated fics where characters' sex lives don't extend beyond hand-holding and forehead kisses - to take the plunge into an explicit piece filled to the brim with watersports and age play. it may be that a reader decides - having only ever read teen-rated fics for one canon pairing - to read a teen-rated fic for a non-canon alternative. both of these are entirely valid approaches.
by which i mean, our comfort levels and our thresholds for discomfort are subjective, they're personal. if there are ships or themes or characters you don't want to read about because they don't feel good... you're not doing something wrong if you avoid them. exposing yourself to fics you expect to make you uncomfortable can be useful - and fiction is certainly a way to explore discomfort which gives you much more control over the experience than encountering it in real life - but it's not something you're obliged to do to be active in fandom.
the thing you are obliged to do to be active in fandom is to be nice to other people, no matter what their tastes in fiction. this means, at its fundamental level, that when you see people who ship pairings or like themes which make you think "ew"... you keep it to yourself/the group chat rather than putting it on the timeline.
but, once this is something you've got the hang of [which takes a bit of time! but practice makes perfect!], something i feel can be a really useful way of overcoming a tendency towards knee-jerk moralising reactions is to just vibe in the vicinity of people you know like the content you instinctively feel is gross.
this doesn't mean you have to read any of this content - but you'll learn just by hanging out near them that the people who do are just... normal. one minute they might reblog a rec for a pairing you think "absolutely not" about, the next they might reblog a cat picture which makes you squeal with delight. you'll like some of their content, but not all. you'll agree with some of it, but not all. you might like progressively more of it as you spend time in their orbit - maybe they'll explain why they like the pairing or character in question and you'll think "huh, i've never looked at it like that" - or you might not. this is absolutely fine.
all of us - at one time or other - have made a black-and-white moralising pronouncement: people who think x are gross; people who like y are fucked-up, you'd never catch me doing z. and these pronouncements are different from our wider, societally-influenced moral codes - which are good things, otherwise we'd live in the purge - in that they're fundamentally ways for us to feel good about ourselves and our families and our friends by defining ourselves as better than a faceless other. we say "you'd never catch me reading that, it's foul" when we know [or think we know] that the friend we're talking to would agree with the statement. we are far less likely to say it if we know that the friend - whom we see as a human being who is beautiful in their imperfection and inherently worthy of love simply by virtue of being alive - was reading and enjoying that just the other day.
and so the best way to train yourself out of reflexively moralising ships or characters or tropes is to put a face to the faceless other who likes them. be intentional in sharing a space with fans of the stuff you feel uncomfortable with and, eventually, it just becomes background noise. you'll scroll on tumblr, say "well there we are, jane's written some more of her sirius/harry piss kink fic - although i'm not interested in clicking on it" and go on with your day.
because the other thing i think it's really useful to do is to train yourself into reframing your disgust as disinterest. there are plenty of things which i don't seek out to read - and some of these topics are completely benign and some are darker [i don't enjoy reading explicit non-con, for example] - but this is because i try to frame it as that i don't think these things would interest me.
this is still the maintenance of a personal comfort zone, but thinking of the content outside this zone as something you are disinterested in turns it into something neutral. when you think of it as something to be disgusted or grossed out by, it naturally provokes a visceral response which makes you look through a moral lens. thinking in terms of disinterest, instead, gives you sufficient detachment from this visceral response to recognise, interrogate, contextualise, and control it.
and - in time - this neutral reframing may result in you feeling more interested in taking the plunge into the ships and characters and stories you currently don't vibe with, once you don't have an instinctive disgust response as a barrier.
or it may not. and this is absolutely fine.
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on fandom orientalism, ft. a quick visual example:
the example on the right is something i drew solely using references of the top results i saw on pinterest upon searching "jotun loki." please don’t roast my inconsistent handwriting
south asian cultures are often jumbled together for white artists of all kinds (authors, artists, movie directors) to create a sense of mystery and make things look "more foreign."
note: this doesn't touch on the antiblack racism in canon jötun designs; this post is primarily about fandom-sourced fetishization. i heavily encourage people to reblog and add onto this post anything i may have missed or added nuance
cut: links on orientalism, in-media examples, how this manifests in fandom-made content
i'd like to start off by saying that this post is a white person telling other white people how to spot orientalism in relation to fiction. i am by no means an expert on any of this, but my goal here is to start creating a less ignorant space that doesn't push people out of fandom.
i'm just trying to stir up more conversations about this and get other white people to think more critically about how they engage with the content they consume. nerd shit should never come with a sacrifice and it's extremely upsetting to see people of color consistently forced out of fandom communities, especially when modern superhero comics began as a way for jewish people to have a voice.
if this post upsets you, i don't want to hear it. don't tell me, "it's not that deep," or, "keep politics out of comics." it is that deep, and superhero comics have always been political. if you have the urge to leave a comment or send an anon about how you don't think it's a big deal, feel free to block me instead, because i don't care and you'll just get blocked anyway 👍
with that out of the way,
Q:
A:
there are countless ways to design a character in a way that makes it clear that they are an alien, or to make them sexy, and there is no excuse to perpetuate stereotype that put real-life people in danger to do so.
"Orientalist paintings and other forms of material culture... depict an 'exotic' and therefore racialized, feminized, and often sexualized culture from a distant land." [¹]
there are so many examples of this in loki fic and art. it's extremely common to see loki depicted as a feminine object of desire. they may have longer hair. clothing that serves more as an accessory than an outfit, that isn't suited to protect them from either the harsh cold of jötunheim or the sunburns one might get when surrounded by reflections of the sun off the snow. draped in jewelry, and in a compromising position.
i'm sure you can imagine how this can get especially out of hand in relation to thorki. i would speak more on thor's presence as both the white aesir prince or the strong barbaric jötun, but as i'm not comfortable consuming thorki content, i don't have enough context to speak on the stereotypes used outside of the art pieces i've seen while searching for jötun loki fanart.
i am, however, confident in saying that orientalism often serves as a device for fan creators to show a contrast between Asgard's white-viking-british-accent-magic-science-elegance. jötunheim, in the comics, is often portrayed as a less intelligent, cutthroat, barbaric, and bloodthirsty culture.
"There was always something unknown and uniquely different about Orients which reinforced the distinction between the European 'us' and Asian 'them.'" [²]
the green link in particular comes with a helpful tool for anyone who might be inexperienced in spotting racist themes in media. if you have trouble being confident that the media in question is orientalism, this link comes with a checklist scale to score how likely it is to be an offensive depiction.
an example that most of you will be familiar with is Disney's Aladdin (1992). the green link goes much more in-depth about the intricacies of Aladdin's orientalism, and i heavily HEAVILY encourage you to read it, as it will help fully grasp the way fetishization and demonization go hand in hand in orientalism.
here, i'd also like to use it as a comparison to show why this loki stuff is honestly... egregious.
by now, even the visuals here should seem very familiar.
the source goes on to use arranged marriage as an example of a common "trope" in orientalist fiction. as previously stated, i don't consume thorki fiction. however, i am EXTREMELY confident in making the guess that it tends to be a common theme when jötun loki is paired with an aesir thor.
i'd also heavily recommended this article and this wikipedia page, both on the negative and stereotypical portrayals of romani people; loki is a magic user, and i suspect that one of the reasons there is such heavy use of these appropriated, exaggerated, and fetishized themes and visuals is because of the demonization of romani people as tricksters, thieves, and witches.
#orientalism#racism#fandom culture#jotun loki#jötun loki#marvel#jötun loki contest#jotun design party
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I had an incredibly odd moment last night at an event night for my dorm. Basically this girl and I were the last people left painting after everyone else had finished, the conversation was going well, and then she mentioned fanfic and how cringy and bad it was. Confused by my fellow nerdy type disliking a core part of nerdery, I admitted that I wrote fanfic, that I loved canon-divergent AUs and I wasn't sure what was wrong. "It's equally fictional either way," I said, which she did seem to pause and think about before acknowledging that was true.
Then she clarified the problem was Boku No Hero Academia. (For full transparency, I have not watched it. Confused, I said, "Isn't that just some shounen series? What's wrong with that? I like shounen." So then she hits me with, "The fandom is gross. That write things that shouldn't be depicted or portrayed." I stared at her, confused. "Like pedophilia."
I admitted, because I felt comfortable with her, that I had written fanfic about CSA and a survivor finding hope for the future, a therapist, true love and his abuser eventually getting his comeuppance. She looked at the painting and not at me. I couldn't tell if she was mad or not. So I added that, over the course of the year and a half of writing it, nine people had told me that reading it had helped them either decide to seek out therapy or helped them realize what happened to them was abuse and that it mattered. And I think it's worth it to make something that makes someone uncomfortable if it helps other people out, and also, the back button is right there. No one has to read something.
Looking upset but affect flat, she said that BNHA fans write things that "glorify" pedophilia. And I, because I am a dick with no social skills, went, "Well, don't read it." She clarified it shouldn't be allowed to exist because it "does harm to people". I said that abusers are responsible for abuse they commit, and nothing they read makes them do it. Psychologists, I reminded her, since several people in her family are psychologists, study and witness things much more horrible than we can imagine, which abusers often say are necessary, justified and sometimes kinda cool, and they don't do any of it. Stephen King didn't commit any murders as a run-up to writing about murder.
She went back to staring at the paint and said I didn't understand the harm it was doing, because it was normalizing it. So I pointed out that no amount of movies where killing the bad guy is a cool, glorious, badass thing to do has made murder socially acceptable in society. "But that's killing," was the objection. "Which is violence," I said in return, "just not sexual violence. But if a hundred years of killing the person who wronged you in cinema didn't make people fine with murder, I don't think a fanfic is going to make it that way." She scoffed and looked away. In a gentler tone, I finished with, "I don't think all of the socialization someone goes through in life and everything they've been told in their entire life can be undone by some anime characters."
She did not say anything to me for the rest of the painting time. She left without a word. I thought for sure she was angry with me and we weren't going to take anymore.
Today, she smiled and waved at me on campus like everything is fine and nothing uncomfy happened.
I don't understand. I am, however, neurodivergent, and therefore bad at social signals, so I may be missing something, here. She was never visibly angry at me when we talked, nor did she raise her voice, so I don't think that I was awful, here. However, not saying anything to me for a full forty minutes or even looking at me indicates to me I had said something that made her upset.
Neurotypicals, please advise. What is going on, here?
--
Well... probably she just had her dumb assumptions challenged and wasn't sure how to feel about it in the moment.
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My Personal Journey with Project SEKAI: How Haruka Kiritani Changed My Perspective on Life
I recently watched a heart-touching video on Omori, and it inspired me to want to express my own feelings about the special place Project SEKAI has in my heart.
I hesitated to share this because of how deeply personal and depressing it is and would leave a bad taste in the mouths of people who want to enjoy Haruka (and Tsukasa) without the lens of depression. But I really want people to take Project SEKAI's writing more seriously instead of treating it as some trauma complexity competition. It would be nice if this could resonate with some people and give some hope to them.
I don't consider myself a victim of ableism, but my struggle is objectively about ableism - so my personal answer may be triggering and something people would not agree with/be able to live with.
TW for ableism and suicide ideation.
For all my life, I suffered from feeling like everyday was empty and was like dying, but I was never comforted for it and thus came to the delusional view that everyone was the same and going through this. 'All of us are trying to become someone we aren't because the world won't accept us for who we really are, so of course I shouldn't expect comfort,' or so I thought. But there was no story that could clearly express this pain - I have felt it several times in fictional characters I'm drawn to, but it was sadly never the focus of the story. Because of this, I always dreamed of creating a story that could strongly express these feelings so all of us can open our eyes to it and not have to suffer alone anymore, and it's what kept me going for years. That is, until I found Wonderlands x Showtime from Project SEKAI.
When I first read the unit story, I recognized a lot of Tsukasa's behaviours and lit up - this was it. This was the story I had always been looking for.
I thought it was a given everyone would have perceived Tsukasa the same way I did. He was the leader character who was trying to become someone else: the framing of 'chasing stardom = couldn't stand life living as himself' couldn't get anymore obvious than that. These were the feelings that drove me to write A True Star as the seeds were so obviously planted but the writers just weren't sowing them. But the fandom was a wake-up call for me that not everyone suffered the same way and could see it, especially as Tsukasa became more and more forcibly fitted into the comfort sunshine boyfriend stereotype by the fandom. Even the people who were touched by my writing had vastly different views from me. It taught me that people are different and feel things differently, and suddenly I no longer knew what I wanted.
Mafuyu was never relatable for me, because I could never relate to being in so much pain to the point of not feeling guilt when people want to help you. For me, everyday was just dull - I could smile and laugh genuinely along with people, but something just felt missing and it made me feel dead inside. I kept aiming to become good at something so I could feel whole, but the motivation was just never there. But what was most painful above all, was the fact that I felt no one ever took my tears and emotions seriously, no matter how much I tried to express myself. This is what I could only perceive in Tsukasa and WxS at the time, and fuelled me into writing A True Star.
But I started feeling more and more guilty and selfish of my feelings for Tsukasa because of Curtain Call. Given the angst, more fans would probably be wanting to see a focus on Rui instead of Tsukasa. I also believed that the writers should be focusing on Rui, because if it made the fans happy, then they SHOULD write Tsukasa off as his fandom oversimplification so as to not overshadow Rui. Tsukasa's pre-established angst and Rui's apparent angst in Curtain Call just couldn't coexist to me without ruining the message and impact of the other. I decided my feelings were just self-pitying exaggeration and shouldn't be captured, and people who related to me should stop living that way. Because of that guilt, I found myself unable to write and draw the things that used to make me happy. I spent a long time paralyzed because of this, crying and suffering everyday from feeling that the dream I had for the longest time turned out to be stupid and there would never be anything fun for me to look forward to. A day didn't go by without me contemplating suicide. This was why I quit Twitter.
But I still couldn't let go of my feelings no matter how hard I tried to - I wanted to see my dream. I wanted to see it touch the hearts of people, for them to realize how painful it was being this way, that my feelings and those like myself were never an exaggeration.
In that same period of time, when I was begging my body to move and do something productive and not be like this over a fucking fictional character, going to counselling and reading all sorts of self-help articles to get over it - I briefly recalled Haruka's story. I finally understood how she felt: being unable to do what you love as you can't help but feel you're just an unwanted burden to others. Even if there are people out there who enjoyed your works, it doesn't matter because you're a fake and there are other better people out there who have more meaningful things to say than you. But even so, you can't let go. She gave me the answer to my dilemma in Painful Hope: to forgive yourself for being different and needing comfort in your own way. Even if it's not a big deal to others, it most certainly is a big deal to you.
Haruka Kiritani surprisingly broadened my perspective on life. I had never understood her character at the start, thinking she was just the stereotype of a responsible girl. I always thought I was a certain way - exaggerated like Tsukasa, but in reality I was far more simpler and pathetic than that. I just felt overly responsible for everyone's emotions for how painfully sensitive I am to people and my surroundings, that I never thought enough about expressing myself. That if I made someone unhappy, something bad would happen. And the big problem was, I believed I always made people unhappy for being different.
Wanting to be saved by the dream of the entire world acknowledging your suffering and being there for you? I only then realized how delusional it was and how it just made me look farther away from myself and worsened my life. How about using those strong senses to just be present and appreciate every moment of being human and alive instead? Enjoying the happy times with all your heart, letting yourself just feel the pain when someone hurts you, live everyday looking forward to more encounters that would enrich your life... Maybe along the way, you may even miraculously find something that completes you. (I LOVE YOU IF!!! THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR CHANGING ME YURRY CANON AND HARUKA KIRITANI!!!!)
It isn't about discarding your suffering, it's about acknowledging reality: there are so many people living in the world, it can't just be the way you need it to be for your happiness - but you can change. You just have to live for something that you can attain for sure, like facing the pain and emptiness of everyday for what it is and having hope for happier days. (My favourite anime of all-time Gintama captures this sooooo well, delusion vs reality, how both of them are equally important - please watch it. Now don't get me started on how strongly similar Project SEKAI and Gintama are--).
Besides, I wouldn't want people to change for me. I love them for who they are, and I was just blinded running away thinking no one would ever want me around as me. But now, I live trying to face the reality that there will be people who care and want me to be happy. I'll live with the pain of people not caring about me so I can fully experience those happier times when they come. And just because people don't care doesn't mean they're terrible people - the world is huge, there are too many options and choices for people to make.
Even if life is always so painful, there are times it's still so fun. I just can't let go after all.
Haruka Kiritani is the reason I stopped entrusting my ridiculous dream to Tsukasa and I'm not in as bad a place mentally anymore. I was just delusional like Tsukasa was, thinking achieving your dream would change everything and make you finally feel wanted and enough (lol, the meta is crazy). I'm grateful the scenario writers didn't give me what I wanted right away with Tsukasa - because then, I wouldn't have noticed the beauty in Haruka's writing. I'm pretty confident that WxS is definitely going in the direction I dreamed of (the same message I wanted to convey in A True Star), but it doesn't really matter much to me anymore now.
I can't go along with dreams of being saved anymore. I understand wanting them, I really did. But right now, what's more important to me is the love people have for me in the present, even if it's imperfect, flawed and hurts so much. I don't ever want to be saved if it means turning a blind eye to people who want me around and failing to respond to them as I've been doing up till now. I'm still not fully understood, which is why it hurts - but as long as I respond as seriously as I can, things might hopefully change someday. I've always been loved, and I want to cherish that. It's because of that I can no longer muster the emotions and anger to write A True Star anymore.
I slowly started realizing more and more similarities in Haruka too. There was such a small detail in Towards The Dream of That Day (Focus 3) that meant the world to me: the small moment where a young Haruka expresses discomfort with the crowd. Can you imagine that this sensitive girl who gets tired from crowds is now a top idol?
"...But there were so many people, I think I might be a little exhausted."
It didn't even hit me when I read that part, but I had a memory just like that with my own mother which slipped my mind. It's probably happened so many times my family had to take care of me in crowds in the past. But I had been so immersed in the delusion that I could overcome anything, that I completely forgot I was always the shy, fragile young girl to my family.
We have both always been loved and seen by people around us, but we just don't feel good enough that we end up trying to become someone else. It also doesn't help when your family thinks you can grow out of it - but if they love you, they will try to understand and you will feel that love if you're present. This is a big reason why living in reality is now so important to me - to properly respond to my loved ones, so that we can someday see eye-to-eye. And not to forget, to be able to smile and have fun with all my being once again.
More recently, it finally sunk in that I have always been terrible at smiling. I hated taking photographs because I could never get it to look the way I want it to, because no matter how hard I tried to smile, it just couldn't turn out natural. My mother has always pointed it out ever since I was young, but I didn't acknowledge it because I knew I could smile more naturally if I was in the mood - which is true... it isn't even autism, because when I'm talking about or doing something I love, I would be smiling and laughing so hard that my friends and family take notice. Just like Haruka and penguins, and when idol activities and times with her friends are genuinely exhilarating and fun.
A big problem we likely have is a form of neurodivergence that makes the normal world too boring and understimulating for us. And it's really a struggle - constantly being understimulated to even hold normal conversations, and then there's how most of our loved ones wouldn't get it because of how different we are.
And finally, there's Haruka in Precious Memories.
(I... can smile like this too.)
(It seems somewhat different from when I'm at work...)
"...Thank you for giving me such wonderful memories, Saki."
How she realized she should cherish and preserve every moment in her life from Saki is so, so important to me. Even with friends, even if she's not always fully happy, she can have times she would find herself smiling so happily without realizing it.
It hammers in the realization I came to because of her character. After all, I ended up like this, unaware and self-hating, because I kept taking my own emotions and people's emotions towards me for granted. I was already happy just spending time around family and friends, but I couldn't fully immerse myself in it because of how hard I constantly was on myself. And the cycle of anger went on as people couldn't understand why I was so hard on myself. This is the power of Project SEKAI, just because she too couldn't move at all at one point - Haruka Kiritani helped me understand myself so much better and navigate life in a healthier, wholer way, embracing both the joys and pains of life. (Well... I still do run away, but I'm working on it...)
Shiho also became an incredibly important character to me because of the message in Stick to Your Faith that supplemented Haruka's character. I never thought to think of it that way, that there were things you couldn't let go of but it's okay to care about people's feelings at the same time. As someone with unique interests and who takes things a little too seriously, it was the words that I really needed to hear. I don't think we are similar enough to share even the same motivations though, but Shiho's values have definitely lit a way forward in my self-discovery.
It's embarrassing to be so impacted by a story that isn't serious to most people. But truly, to Colorful Palette, thank you for writing Haruka Kiritani. Honami, Shiho and Tsukasa were all equally as important in making me realize the true weight of emotions and their impact on you. Project SEKAI made my dream come true in MORE MORE JUMP, in a far different yet better way than what I expected.
I hope that this post would make people realize that Project SEKAI characters are more human than tropes. I was once blinded by tropes too, which made me miss out on how beautifully written Honami was - it really, really takes time to grow out of it. I'm tired of people attributing angst and depression only to Niigo when that's just a part of life and everyone has at least experienced it once. The sudden shift in atmosphere in No Seek No Find? A song about life and death in Kashika? Utsuro wo Aogu literally meaning 'looking into the void'? The constant themes of escapism in Emu commissions?
Each character is so strongly human in nature, that you can just understand the emotions they're feeling in the moment and why they feel that way. The narrative won't spell it for you, the characters are all unreliable narrators - you need to immerse yourself in both the story and the commissions and understand it yourself. You need to read all the unit stories to understand the writers' approach to emotions. Even if it doesn't make sense to you, it might start to make sense the more you learn about yourself and the people around you - because the writers have put in their actual emotions and experiences into writing and planning the character.
That is the beauty of Project SEKAI to me. I hope someday, instead of a cringey angsty teenage story, people could come to appreciate the human love and care put into its characters.
Finally, I end this love letter to Project SEKAI with one of my most favourite lines in If:
"Singing won't save your life or anything. But I want to sing for your sake."
"Even if this life of mine has no worth, the world is still beautiful. So let's live."
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Umbrella (Fowlham fanfic)
Believe it or not, I've never written a fan fiction before! I hope you enjoy my first attempt! I decided to go with a comfort fandom of mine, RC9GN with a pairing I think is cute and sadly did not have much scene-time; FowlHam. If you're here from my Secret Trio comic book, this fic takes place before the events of my comic.
Side note: I head-canon Randy with ADHD and Theresa with Autism. Reminiscent of the relationship that my partner and I have in real life. So hopefully I represented the disorders well.
It was an over-cast day when McFist's new McSneak shoes went on sale. The forecast said it would rain, so all those in line held umbrellas. No one was willing to miss the release of these new shoes just because of a little rain. Randy Cunningham was one of those lucky people waiting in line. Well, if you call standing in line for hours since the butt crack of dawn with the threat of rain "lucky." His best friend, Howard Weinerman, was there too; although, he came hours later with snacks.
Following the sound of groans and curses, "Th-thank *gasp* honking *gasp* cheese I found you Cunningham," Howard exclaimed as he shoved his way in line next to Randy, "Let me tell you! If I had to fight off one more toddler before finding you, I would have given up!"
"Well maybe I wouldn't be so far in line if you had gotten here on time," Randy greeted his friend, grabbing a bag of chips from his arms.
"Just be thankful I kept you updated. Do you know how hard it is to text when one of your hands looks like this?!' Howard said forcing a McCheeto dust covered hand up to Randy's face.
"Hey! Watch the hoodie, you shoob!" Randy retorted as a mild slapping match ensued.
The violence stopped as quickly as it started when the first drops of rain began to fall. There was a brief commotion as people extended their umbrellas. Randy grabbed his umbrella and found that opening it when one hand was occupied by a bag of chips was difficult. After fumbling for a few seconds he eventually turned to Howard for assistance. Howard obliged but kept a smug smile the whole time. Howard reached his dust covered hand over and pressed the release button. With the power of teamwork, the umbrella opened. Randy rolled his eyes as Howard added "see, it's pretty difficult when you're burdened with the best snacks borrowed money can buy".
"Okay, but did borrowed money," Randy air-quoted, "buy you an umbrella?"
Howard was unable to continue their battle of wits as the rain began to downpour. The umbrella-less Howard ducked under Randy's inconspicuous Ninja-themed umbrella as their playful argument was momentarily forgotten.
Rain has a funny effect on people. It has a magic that can cause a whole crowd of excited people to fall into a silence. Only something so powerful can make Randy and Howard quiet for more than two minutes. Howard licked his fingers of the McCheeto dust before popping open another bag. Randy, his bag of chips forgotten, began to disassociate as he stared out into the steady shower. The puddle forming in a nearby pothole caught his eye first. Then, a splash created by a car as it nearly hit a woman at the bus stop. Until he settled on a soaked Theresa running across the street. "Wait- a soaked Theresa running across the street?" Randy did a double take before his mind could wander to the next moving object. Yup, that was Theresa. She was without an umbrella and carrying what he thought was a grocery bag.
Nudging Howard, "Do you think I should help her?" Randy asked.
"Help who, bro?! You can't just change subjects on me like that, you know this!"
"Oh, sorry, Theresa. I mean- Theresa is across the street and looks like she needs help." Randy explained, pointing to where the girl was now walking after making it successfully to the other side of the road.
"Cunningham, you just stood in line for four hours and you're about to leave because you don't think women can hold bags?!"
"What?! No- that's- can't you see she is soaking wet?" Randy responded, arms flailing in the general direction of said drenched girl.
"Well, luckily she's already wet. Otherwise, that fall would honkin' suck!" Howard stated, desperately trying to stay under the moving umbrella.
"Fall-?" Randy muttered as he turned back to look at Theresa, who was currently on the ground and frantically trying to scoop up the contents of her dropped bag.
Randy wasn't sure if hisNinj-stincts kicked in or what, but he found himself handing Howard's snacks back and hopping over the crowd barricades he spent hours behind that morning. Making it to the busy street, the man-on-a-mission didn't bother to wait for the crosswalk sign. Instead, snapping his umbrella closed, Randy weaved his way through traffic. He began jumping between cars, narrowly avoiding splashes, and finished off with a roll over a hood. Only for him to pop the umbrella back open over Theresa's head.
Theresa was crouched with a can of soup in her hand, staring up, wide-eyed at Randy, who was desperately trying to look cool and not winded. This pose was held for a few seconds too long, as no words passed between the two. The awkwardness snapped Randy back to reality as his thoughts ran rampant: "What the juice did I just do?! Did anyone see that? No one thinks I'm the Ninja, right? Anyone could have done that! Why would they think I'm the Ninja? I just wanted to help a friend! Maybe I should say something to her- have I not said anything to her yet?! Okay, she's standing up now. How long has she been staring at me? What should I say? Hm, I forgot how tall she is-"
"Thank you," Theresa spoke.
"Soup."
"Huh?"
"The soup in your hand- I mean, I'm here to help with the soup- I mean the groceries!" Randy blurted.
"Oh, thanks. Uh- I already said that-" Theresa trailed off, her free hand pulling at her wet hair as she looked down at the scattered food.
The next few seconds were spent picking up the groceries. Randy, for reasons he didn't understand, was trying to avoid eye contact with Theresa. Instead, he was trying to focus on saving the items in the deepest puddles first. The bread was thankfully protected by it's plastic covering. The cans were fine too, although their labels would probably warp. However, some fruits and vegetables were bruised or smashed. The umbrella balanced in his elbow, Randy dropped the items in the rescued grocery bag that Theresa held out. With the task finished, Randy was forced to acknowledge Theresa again. Her hair was a disaster, but it appeared as though she attempted to smooth it while Randy wasn't looking. Her mascara ran down her face as she gave a small smile between blushing cheeks. She wasn't wearing her usual school uniform. Instead, she was wearing a small pink T-shirt and a black knee-length skirt. Of course, both were now wet and clung to her body, but Randy used all his Ninja strength to direct his eyes back to her face. She had a knowing look in her eyes, which caused Randy to blush.
"Thanks again for the help," Theresa said. "I have to get going now, though."
"In the rain?" Randy asked, still sheltering them both under his umbrella.
"I mean, I kind of have no choice. Unless you were offering to walk me home?"
Randy was struggling to read the situation. He hadn't intended to walk her home, but then again, he wasn't exactly sure what he intended when he abandoned Howard and ran across the road. Glancing back in that direction, Randy made out the shape of Howard, flailing his arms around and presumably cussing him out for leaving him alone without an umbrella. Randy's hesitation to answer must have faltered Theresa's confidence, for she began to move around him to carry on her way.
"No wait!" Randy reached out and grabbed her arm. "What kind of helpful hero would I be if I let you walk home in the rain?"
"Nice, saved it!" He gave himself a mental high-five.
"Great! Uh- I mean- if you're sure" Theresa said, looping her arm with his, removing the choice of backing out.
The body contact was enough to short-circuit Randy's brain, causing him to completely forget about Howard and the new McSneak shoes. "L-let me take that bag for you," Randy added as he took the semi-heavy grocery bag on his other arm. "So, um, where do you live exactly?" He asked, realizing he didn't know. Theresa's blush deepened at the gesture and answered, "It's in that neighborhood near the cemetery, a few more blocks away."
They walked in silence peacefully as they enjoyed the rhythm of the rain. At least, that's probably what it would have looked like to any stranger seeing the "couple" walking down the sidewalk. In reality, Randy's mind was in turmoil. Mainly because he didn't know what was going to happen after all this was done. Theresa clung to his arm as if he was her lifeline, but her face was obscured by her bangs. Their relationship, if you could call it that, was complicated. They could be considered friends, but they weren't close, nor did they know each other well. Meanwhile, Theresa's crush on him had been obvious since day one. Randy, with his life already so hectic, didn't act on her advances one way or another. Did he like her back? Of course he did, but why hadn't he asked her out yet? The idea was almost too overwhelming. Having a girlfriend would wonk up what little semblance of routine and free time he had left. Stringing her along made him feel like a total shoob though. Is that what he was doing? He didn't even know.
Biting his lip, he looked down at the bag he was carrying. Having to go out and buy his own groceries was a relatable feeling to him. With his dad out of the picture and his mom away for business most days, average household chores were left up to him. Well, as many household chores a teen boy with a secret double life can accomplish. It made him wonder why Theresa was doing the job of a parent, too. Again, they didn't know each other very well. It was worth a shot to ask...
"Sooooo, who's all this for?" Randy broke the silence in a normal and not at all awkward way.
"Me...?" Theresa answered, seemingly brought out of her own thoughts.
"All of it?" He joked as he heaved the bag like it weighed a ton.
"N-no! It's for my grandma, too!" Theresa flustered, the joke seeming lost to her.
"Oh, cool, you bring food to your grandma?"
"Kinda. You can meet her if you want," Theresa replied absent-mindedly.
"Oh, ho-ho. I'm meeting your grandma? I am speed-running through this relationship!" Randy teased. "Why the juice did I just say that?! Man, I really am stringing her along-"
"W-what?! I mean- sure, b-but I haven't told her about you yet or anything, so it might be weird..." Theresa trailed off. Ugh, she was so cute when she was flustered. "Why are you having these thoughts? You're the Ninja! The Nomicon would chew me out for this..."
The cemetery was coming into view, but Theresa didn't say when to turn and they kept walking. The rain had become a gentle drizzle and made for perfect cemetery weather. Surprisingly, there were a few people inside standing near some headstones. Although, Randy may have missed them if it wasn't for their large umbrellas. It was a nice moment despite the dark subject matter. Randy's mind drifted again as he thought about other, more fun, dates Theresa and he could go on. He had to quickly remind himself this wasn't a date though. "It could be," a small voiced whispered in his mind. After all, if he had time to stand in line for four hours just for a pair of sneakers, maybe he did have time for a girlfriend. He just needed to take that plunge and stop using his Ninja life as an excuse not to get on with his own life. He tightened his grip on the umbrella handle, bracing himself as he tried to think of what to say-
"Hm, I think I could make this work..." Theresa was mumbling to herself.
"Make what work?" Randy asked, snapping out of his trance.
"I just feel bad because I've of been stringing you along. I'm pretty busy, what with my baton practice and taking care of my grandma. It's difficult to find time just for friends, better less a boyfriend!" She replied matter-of-factly, "But you're right, maybe we should make things official" She finished, finally looking Randy in the eyes. Her big, beautiful eyes, surrounded by black smudge that used to be mascara.
Laughing was probably not the response she was looking for, but Randy couldn't contain the irony. Umbrella in one hand and groceries in the other, Randy had to keep himself from doubling over as his sides ached from the laughter. Theresa, on the other hand, broke away from his arm and looked like she was going to pass away where she stood. "W-wait, is that not what you meant?! You were just joking, weren't you?! Oh my Ninja, I'm such an idiot!" The poor girl looked like she was about to cry at this point.
"No, no, it's not that," Randy breathed between laughter. "I just felt like I was the one leading you on! I never really told you whether I was interested or not. Meanwhile, you've been all over me."
"I have?!" Theresa's whole face was as red as the Ninja's scarf.
Theresa's response made Randy's mind temporarily blank as he tried to figure out whether she was joking by asking that or if she was genuinely unaware that the whole school knew about her crush on him. Luckily, she was able to snap his mind back before it ran away from him again. "Wait, so you are interested, right? I mean, in being girlfriend and boyfriend?" her words trailing off.
Ho-boy, the question when asked so directly made the whole situation overwhelming. Randy wasn't sure if he was happy or not that he left the Nomicon at home today. If it was here now, it would definitely be buzzing and he'd have an excuse to leave. But it wasn't here. It was just him, Theresa, and the steady tapping of the rain on the umbrella. "You gotta say something, anything!"
"LET'S. Go. To. Your. Grandma's." was apparently the strategy he was going with.
"Sooo that's a yes, then?" Theresa hummed, taking Randy's arm back into her possession.
"Mhm," was all the reply she got, but it was enough. Theresa's ability to read social cues may be wonk, but poor Randy was a total open book. Including that silly little secret he kept about being the Ninja. Despite her messy hair and ruined makeup, Theresa beamed the whole way to Grandma's.
#rc9gn#randy cunningham#randy cunningham 9th grade ninja#fanfiction#fanfic#story#writing#theresa fowler#fowlham
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I’m baaaaaaack.
#supercorp#fan fiction is my comfort object#lena luthor#kara danvers#supergirl#ao3#kara x lena#lena x kara#femslash#katie mcgrath#lena luthor is baby#kara zor el#supercorp fic#supergirl fic#melissa benoist
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Submissions Announcement
I’m now letting people submit posts. If you have fanart or any kind of fan creation to submit you can do it that way rather than in my inbox so it can be tagged accordingly.
Submission Rules
Types of fanart you can submit:
Any digital or 2D art in a picture format
Anything like a collage, photography etc..
Sculptures, 3D art like wirecrafting, or even sewn or crochet objects.
Music in either a video or mp3 format.
Any form of creative writing, poetry or expression. (Including fan-fiction. My rule around this may change in the future depending on my comfort regarding it.)
Any medium of art in any of these categories can be submitted. If you have any questions regarding submissions feel free to ask in my inbox.
Rules:
No joke submissions. (Any joke submissions can be sent through normal asks.)
No NSFW or 18+ content.
It must be related or including something to do with Dreamswap.
Any content that is against the rules in my pinned post.
If you want a previous submission of yours to be deleted, reach out to me via. Tumblr DMs and ask to have it deleted.
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its actually cool to see people dissect minecraft roleplay like this, like to me yeah it was just a block game but the dark subjects matters just intertwined in a way that made it very... strange? i guess?
i feel like to really get it you have to have a certian amount of respect for the story and medium but also scorn of it, like i have sooo many problems with how things went in a million different ways, but i also think that when it worked it worked wonders. so its interesting to me for someone to dig deeper then the surface and really see it for what it was objectively
i hate that its attatched to the minecraft youtuber fandom in general because for the majority of time i was wathcing I was soley in it for a story, I dont think i even checked out a non story realated stream until like... june of that year
and i hate dream but like you said him being there and playing such a character just ads to the levels of weirdness and rawness
c!tommy got me through a dark dark time in my life, esp exile. I dealth with abuseful neglect and manipulation all my life, and i was in deep bouts of depression when those streams were coming out. but literally seeing a character portray such a raw and ugly realality of those things and yet still get back up again was comforting and cathartic
to me it was the colaboration between actor and audience that really made it unlike anything else, and also what really led to its destruction. but im glad it was there when i needed it
This is well said anon and I’m so sorry you went through something like that. Dsmp found me at a very terrifying time in my life in regards to trauma. I don’t want to get into it just as I’m sure you don’t either, but when youve been a victim of abuse, you gain a perspective that nobody else has. Your mind is permanently altered. We see things that might not be as easy to detect let alone digest for those who havent experienced that reality. or even people who are currently working through that trauma who don’t understand how to deal with it or approach it yet. And that’s not good nor bad. It just is.
I think it’s. Hard. It’s very hard to talk about. And it’s by design! I definitely agree some of the performances were amazing but with very little consideration for what to do next or how to conclude those arcs, things got messy quickly and I think they relied on their dogmatic rabid fans to deflect any serious criticism of that. And I expected them to! I expect people who tread dangerously to know what they’re doing, but they didn’t know what they were doing. That became clear to me very quickly.
And ya it is still very important to me as well… I have never seen myself in another victim in fiction quite as well as I have c!tommy. And I have found so many like minded people that I cherish and love so much. I just got back from hanging out with someone who I got close with online during dsmp! So as disgusting and scary as the community was, yes, I am also very glad it was here when I needed it. Because I needed it.
I hope we can all continue to heal from these experiences and move on to make/consume kinder art together 🌈💫💗
(Oh also I didnt/don’t(it’s complicated) care about the real people either. I actually was so detached I believed dsmp was all they did! It’s crazy how much of a second thought a lot of this was in hindsight. Which is both infuriating and worrying)
#abuse cw#long post#dsmp#adding main tag so ppl can filter it out if they don’t wanna see dsmp on this acc
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Thot of forcefem opposite idk enthusiastic fem? Consensual Femme?
So I have a lot of thoughts on this actually! My immediate thought is basically just "Very cool!" but there's more to it lol.
Since you specified enthusiastic I'm assuming we're not talking about "force"-fem where there's a playful resistance to it and possibly some element of roleplay. (Which is kinda the default outside of fictional stuff) But like, unambigously enthusiastic. Or, at the very least, actively letting things happen.
I think it's great! While I love force-fem, consensual femme has two aspects to it that I really like. One is just that it's a lot less intense. Sometimes I just kinda have trouble enjoying the same hard kinks I'd genuinely really like on a different day, and softer stuff is just ideal for that situation.
The other is that the angle and intent behind it can vary a lot more than forcefem, imo. Eg, it could still involve aspects of humiliation or power play, but it could also forego them entirely. Focusing on something like self-actualization. Or something more kinky like feeling more cute for your dom, the way they like it.
There's also a really interesting gradient to how enthusiastic it actually is, specifically. Like, I love the idea of a dom consensually feminizing someone but in a really pushy way, taking "No" for an answer but not relenting until they actually hear that "No". Treating every sign of nervousness or apprehension like something to soothe until it stops. Being just a little bit dehumanizing about it, as they treat any objection besides a hard no as akin to a pet being fussy about their new accessory. Talking down to their silly little sub until they're just melting and going along with it completely.
Probably my personal favorite feminization dynamic, you can probably tell lol.
Or it could be a subtle, almost manipulative dynamic, like bringing up the idea very gradually. (Though consent in that kinda situation can get very messy lol) But in general I'm a big fan of coercion even in the consensual sense.
But on the other end of that spectrum, you have COMPLETELY enthusiastic stuff. This could be non-sexual, essentially just guiding someone through the process, holding their hand and comforting them. Filtering the scary and confusing path into just doing what you're told.
Or it could be something more kinky, like being treated like a doll. Molded into what your dom considers the cutest version of you, down to the appearance and mannerisms. Just letting someone take control of, essentially, what YOU are. Your identity. And getting that "Scared in a good way" feeling from it. While also being told you're doing such a good job, that you look so cute, that you're making your dom so happy by being such a good pet.
It is pretty annoying that it's so hard to find, mainly because there's just... no term for it. Not one that specifically refers to it, anyway.
And of course there's practicality. Forcefem, as in like, actual forced feminization is, y'know, forced. Meaning, outside of fantasy it's extremely impractical outside of the "force"-fem angle, besides the select few who go really hard when it comes to CNC. Which, lets be real, if they're that open-minded they've probably already transitioned lol.
IG what I'm saying with all of this is there's a lot of variance and fun to be had in the idea of consensual fem. And, despite being a Forcefem Enjoyer(tm) I really like the idea of something more enthusiastic and wish it was more commonly appreciated.
#forcefem#feminization kink#consensual feminization#consentfem#I guess???#ty for the anon btw I really like answering questions lol
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hi!! i do hope i am not bothering you by coming into your inbox out of the blue!! i am here to thank you for a dream of silence because god, what an utterly experience that was. i am distressed and eating the drywall in the BEST way possible. holds my poor poor beloved boy SO fucking GENTLE. i am going to have to boot up bg3 now and give him a LOT of smooches to assure MYSELF that he's okay. all the highest compliments i can possibly give to you. i am VERY excited and scared for more <3
(and if you happen to still be interviewing people about their characters, i'm game for that!! mine certainly gave me an EXPERIENCE with the scenario your game has dropped them into, and it's really hitting me in the emotions right now. no pressure either way, i just wanted to come on here and give this project the love it deserves <3 )
You are a jewel and the antithesis of bother. My soul lives off of the knowledge I have given other people experiences like that, and the way you've described it is absolutely beautiful. Please enjoy the drywall and comfort the vampire with smooches. These are all objectively correct things.
Oh! Yes please! My soul also lives off of getting to run people's MCs through this scenario. I am currently not allowed to do more serious development on A Dream of Silence because one cannot live on fan fiction alone (blame capitalism) and April is dedicated to a different project. But I'm set to make Act 2 in May and will put you on my list of people to contact when that begins. Delight!
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indie video game i liked and have thoughts on cool wow
friend of mine was streaming Cartomancer Anthology the other day, (a grab bag of indie games a la haunted demo discs and such, themed after the major arcana) and one of the games included really clicked w me. in a way i wanted to talk about
it's the game themed after the high priestess card. the tldr plot is you're The Seer and you have to help people think through their problems. you do this with the main gameplay, a puzzler sorta like lights out, where you rotate and then place a shape, all the tiles in that area flip states, and your goal is to make enough of them black.
i think splatoon 3 (released after cartomancer) has a pvp game kinda like this? it's not difficult to understand, and the puzzles are pretty comfortably "not brain melty but not trivial" which is a nice place to be.
what really struck me was how well it fits the story. each character you help has puzzles that fit them and their trouble. the first I noticed was a novice alchemist, who is frustrated over how much they still have to learn- their puzzles are all broken versions of the shapes on your cards, slightly too small for them to fit properly. the librarian who is worried about time management and organization has mini-puzzles in cramped spaces. etc
the character Problems are all low-stakes my little pony style things like that- one character wants to pick a different career than their mom wants them to, one is worried about whether their job will have made a difference after they die, one is passive and conflict-averse. I'm not necessarily a fan of like, fiction-as-therapy (this is not charitable at all lol i cant think of the proper term) but it fits the fairy tale aesthetics of the whole thing, and its not offensive or anything, the underlying philosophy is fine, its just a bit twee. and sometimes you're in the mood for something twee! or at least i am.
a specific philosophy thing i really liked isn't said directly, but almost none of the puzzles have a "perfect" solution that will turn all the tiles black, and sometimes progress requires getting "farther away" from your goal. woah hmmmm how do those relate to what the characters are doing. i like it a lot okay. the actual puzzle gameplay couldve been anything at all- hidden objects, or match 3, or nonograms, etc- and a worse game would have it be arbitrary, but it's not. ..you see the connection you see why it's cool and why it works
the aesthetics and style- also good. between puzzles there's an overworld that does that delightful 2d-characters 3d-environment thing seen in like "paradise killer" and "smile for me" (and "sewer rave", which shares a developer!). and that's always great, the character designs are all great, it's lovely. they have multiple expressions and do the squash-stretches, and they all have unique nameplates with little designs (which i dont have a screenshot of, gah). theres just a lot of care put in. its nice.
i was struck ok? i fell in love. it happens. shoutout to weird little indie games. shoutout to @slitherpunk
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Snarry-a-Thon 2012 Recs
Snarry-a-Thon is an annual fest of Snarry goodness that always brings so much creativity and joy in the Snarry community. I am forever blown away by how much talent and passion Snarry-lovers have. With that in mind, I wanted to create some special recs for a fest near and dear to my heart.
With that, here are my Top 5 picks for the 2012 fest! But first...
Disclaimer: my rec lists are created based on my personal experiences and preferences. There are plenty of other stories and authors who are quite good and deserve just as much love. This is not meant to be an objective “best of the best” list, but the subjective opinion of a longtime reader and fangirl.
Speaking in Tongues
by abrae. Rated: E. Words: 7,764. Hogwarts 8th Year. Hurt/comfort. Romance. Angst.
Harry lost one language in the war, but he finds he's learning to speak another.
In the Sanctuary of His Eyes
by asecretchord. Rated: E. Words: 22,710. BDSM. Collars. Orgasm delay/denial. Other pairings.
Severus Snape created the perfect submissive: beautiful, responsive, obedient to a fault. Harry Potter was everything Snape never knew he wanted—until the day Lucius Malfoy snatched him up with a snap of his fingers. Now the light was fading from Potter's eyes, but Snape wasn't certain he wanted to rescue Potter again.
Winner: "Best Villain" HP Fan Fiction Poll Awards, Fall 2012.
In Time, Once Again
by avioleta (@avioleta). Rated: E. Words: 29,565. Time travel. First time. Student/teacher. Underage.
After the Battle of Hogwarts, Harry uses a Time Turner in an attempt to rewrite history. However, something goes wrong, and he’s thrown back fourteen years into the past.
I'll Take Less (When I Always Give So Much More)
by RoozetteR. Rated: M. Words: 24,294. Illnesses. Established Relationships. Petunia POV.
Just because you know somebody doesn’t mean you know them. Especially when it comes to family.
In Perpetuity
by starcrossedgirl. Rated: E. Words: 11,830. Past Lucius/Severus. Implied Albus/Severus. Implied Severus/Voldemort. Bottom!Snape. BDSM. Hurt/comfort. Character study.
Some stories in life repeat in the same old patterns. Until they change.
Snarry-a-Thon 2012 Masterlist
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thoughts on umineko 👀?
CW: this post is written with no aim to hide spoilers. It doesn't reveal any twists but speaks candidly about characters and events all the way until the end of the game.
Ah, I am delighted to be asked. It's been just over a week since we finished episode 8 and it's been rattling about as a slow digest.
The short version is that I loved it. It is the most I have felt moved by a piece of comprehensive genre fiction (I shall avoid the term "deconstruction", I feel that is only an aspect of what's at play here) outside of Twin Peaks, which remains the all-time champion in my world.
We're going to be writing a far more comprehensive post about it in the coming weeks, so consider this a preview before I give my thoughts.
The issue with commenting on Umineko is that you have to approach it a number of things.
It is a story of generational trauma and the relationship between a trauma survivor and the memories of an estranged family, which is something I resonated with deeply.
It is a genre piece that communicates with the mystery/detective novel genre in a manner that simultaneously interrogates its conceits via multiple famous author rule-sets, criticizes its conventions via parodies (most famously Erika, the sociopath detective who literally debates a 9 year old on how sleight of hand magic tricks are performed) and attempts to be itself one by the constant refrain of "keep thinking" and the beautiful innovation of red truth.
It is also an excessively Anime piece of media that has all the hallmarks of the genre that truly make me unable to actually recommend it to people who aren't familiar with and comfortable with the little things that anime fans have just had to adapt to in order to enjoy anime.
Oh and it's a meme fountain. I legitimately believe that 150 hours of reading was worth it in the end so that I could watch and enjoy this video, which is objectively the most high effort shitpost on the internet:
youtube
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I enjoyed a mystery novel that actively engaged in communication with the audience, asking them to play along. I deeply admired the fact that Wilard Wright answered to the core mysteries of the saga with the same grace that Penn and Teller would tell a magician on Fool Me how their trick worked without those who do not know being spoiled.
In fact that is the best way to engage with the mystery in the book from my experience. It's simply a matter of how one engages with stage magic and as someone who is quite obsessed with stage magic it was wonderful to see the entire mystery novel genre treated like a magic trick that one could either admire the craft of, engage with as a piece of intricate skill or try to tear apart heartlessly.
Ryukishi is very much a magician putting on a heartfelt show and magic represents love, trust and an agreement between the author and the audience. He will create a story for you to engage with but you must engage with the story. To try and peel apart the mystery without engaging with the heart is tantamount to being a drunken heckler at a stage show who removes the cloth from a table to reveal the beautiful assistant hiding beneath. Congratulations, you have proven magic doesn't exist. But everyone in the audience knew that going in. We were here for a show and whether you turn your brain off and watch and believe in magic for a little while or are fascinated by the craft and inspired to join in the magic yourself, if you engage with the heart of it then you are respecting the passion being put on stage or on paper.
Basically do not be Furudo Erika and ruin a 9 year-old's sense of wonder.
In that regard, this book truly felt like it was something I was always destined to get to.
The core theme "Without love it cannot be seen" is a beautiful one and something that will cause me to reevaluate how I regard my emotional attachments to my memory.
I'll get into it in more detail with the long post later, but there's a level of nuance of the sentiment that isn't fully embraced by the story as Ange's quest ends with a binary choice and that meant the two sides of the argument were displayed in extremes, something which Ange is fully aware of, but it gives a lot to talk and type about that isn't spelled out in the text.
Suffice to say, I am firm in my belief that trusting other people, thinking well of them and accepting their reality into your own is a good thing.
Maybe don't go as far as Battler does and erase all the uncomfortable truths of a person just because your personal relationship with them is positive. But then again I think the Fight Man approaches his recollection of events with the lens of "I just spent 6 years not talking to my parents and I wish I could get that time back" having him decide that if he had ignored Rudolf's flaws then he could have had more time with him.
It's a complicated narrative and I'm no way near done dissecting it yet.
Regardless. That will all wait until the large post.
It's a fantastic game with wonderful themes and speaks directly to me in many languages that I already speak fluently.
When I do my Media, Myself and I analysis of it I'll likely do full game spoiler deep dive.
For now, I loved it. It's a remarkable tale. I think I'm a bit too old for the type of anime nonsense it stylizes itself as but the prose is pure. I wish Ryukishi had an editor, though.
I am deeply sad I did not get to it sooner. When it was first introduced to me in the early 2010s the international release was not yet out. I couldn't find a way to engage with it and I had forgotten about it largely by the time I had access. A shame as Ange is the exact type of character we would have projected onto back in our pre-transition days.
I would have loved to have told the person who got me interested in it how much I adored it.
Oh and for the record, I am an original sprites purist.
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