#figured my fellow book freaks might relate

[annabethisterrified]

see I can’t be on dating apps bc I’m like I’m only interested in the whimsical but soul-shattering but easy but ring-fingered sort of love btw we also have to have known each other for years and also going to the grocery store has to be as exciting of an experience as a fancy date and also I’m irrationally jealous and we have to have the exact same sense of humor oh and also I’ve read and written myself into a thousand unreachable corners and  

#figured my fellow book freaks might relate #*azula voice* it's okay. you can laugh. it's funny! #i promise i'm legit fine though lmaoooooo

[agermanadventurer]

A start

Let’s start somewhere shall we?

The German language is generally considered quite hard because of it’s grammar - which is understandable. If you are a monoligual English speaker you have never encountered the different complexities that are going to show up. But have no fear-! All of these things have been learned before and can be learned by you if you aspire to. I am not going to make this blog a step-by-step blog to learn German - I simply don’t have neither the time nor the patience to do that. But I will guide you to some free sources to get started to be able to follow along with other things I’ll be talking about in the future, and these are both things I’ve come across in my studying and also things I wish I had found earlier.

BOOKS (pdfs)

german language course - Simply named German Language Course is a pdf book that is written by several collaborating authors in an effort to create a beginner’s guide to the German language. It’s constantly being improved but the newer version here is lacking a bit and the original release from 2006 linked above is a bit more put together but choose from your own accord.

basic german - Basic German, a text/work book for grammar! Really- there’s a lot of grammar in there but it’s quite easy to navigate and can be useful for anyone learning the language or the grammar. 

mein-deutschbuch.de - Mein Deutschbuch is technically a website but nevermind that. It offers lists of different grammar rules and gives you excercises to practice your grammar. The only downside is that everything is in german. It’s great for more advanced learners though.

pdfdrive.com/german-language-books - And here’s a link to many other free books that can be downloaded.  

YOUTUBE CHANNELS (for language learning)

Get Germanized - A youtube channel dedicated to teaching it’s viewers German and also about the German culture. There are full course German videos only focusing on exposing and teaching as well as shorter videos with cultural comparisons and entertainment. 

Easy German - Easy German publish videos for both advanced learners and beginners. They focus much on teaching spoken German but also talks about grammar,  and they offer new vocabulary. 

Learn German - A channel that uses a simple artstyle to explain different parts of the German language. The channel also sorts their videos after language level so even for someone in level C1 might find something useful in there.   

Learn German with Herr Antrim - Herr Antrim wants to teach you German for free. His videos brings up grammar, pronounciation, and tak about the German culture.

Besides these channels you also have plenty of videos repeating german phrases and vocabulary for when you sleep (can’t really recommend to sleep while you listen to them) and you can sit down and take a few notes from those too if you want to become familiar with the sounds and some of the phrases.

YOUTUBE CHANNELS (for entertainment and exposure)

Hi From Hamburg - Lila is an american who moved to Hamburg and is making videos talking about her experience with it and she makes a lot of videos for simple entertainment. Her channel is one of the few English ones I’m going to include in this list. 

Dinge Erklärt - Kurzgesagt -  Kurzgesagt is a channel with pretty animation explaining different concepts, ideas, and myths in our modern society today. They talk about philosophy, science, religious ideas, psychology, and more.

maiLab - MaiLab is a scientific channel in German. In their videos they talk about various topics within biology, chemistry, psychology, or of different concepts and myths in society today.

Related to maiLab are also channels like Quarks and MrWissen2go.

100SekundenPhysik - For those who are into physics, this one can be intresting for you. 100SekundenPhysik brings up and explains physics, but in German and in short comprehensible videos. 

Dagi Bee - For those not as interested in science, here’s an entertainment channel (and a few more after this). Dagi Bee is a channel created for entertainment, she features music videos, make up and hair turtorials, reaction videos, vlogs and more.

Marvyn Macnificent - Marvyn makes entertainment and vlog videos; challenges, make up tutorials and reviews, collaborations (and videos with friends), and also different types of discussions of other social media figures.

Alycia Marie - This channel is for any make up and cosplay fan. Alycia’s channel is made up of make up tutorials, make up reviews and comparisons, as well as cosplay displays. She also have a second channel for her music.

Other channels like Dagi Bee and Alycia Marie is for example Luisa Crashion and Jasmin Azizam

DoctorBenx - A look into the gaming part of youtube and we have DoctorBenx as a prominent figure on the list. His videos consist of him playin games such as Minecraft and Roblox but also GTA5 and simulator/indie games. He works closely with the youtuber AwesomeElina.

Vlesk - If anyone’s still into Among Us you’ll want to check out Vlesk who almost exclusively makes videos of said game at the moment. His channel is rather young still but the older videos are him playing TTT in Garry’s Mod. 

Zombey - For those more intrested in playthroughs, Zombey is more appropriate. His channel features many different games such as Demon’s Soul and Fall Guys. 

APPS

Duolingo - Duolingo is always mentioned when it comes to these things, but it’s a good app. It provides a simple, almost game-like, format that helps you practice different concepts in your target language.

Memrise - Can’t forget Memrise on this list. Memrise uses video clips of real life people using the language to get you to associate the phrases with the situation and to get you to immerse yourself with the language. 

Drops - Drops focuses on visual learning, getting your brain to associate the vocabulary you’re exposed to with the pictures and symbols on the screen. The app is great for learning new vocabulary and you can choose yourself which topic to start with.

Wordbit German - WordBit German is useful for vocabulary exposure. You download it and every time you open your phone a German word is shown on the screen and you can mark different word by familiarity.

HelloTalk - This app helps you to reach out to native speakers of your target language and you can also help others seeking to learn your language. You can send voice messages, make corrections and translate the messages directly. The app can be used for free, but there are many functions that are limited without paying. Other similar apps are also available (often with lower quality but they are free). 

PODCASTS (language learning)

Slow German - The journalist Annik Rubens talks about everyday topics and phenomenons in the german culture and society in short recordings. Perfect to practice your listening comprehension as a beginner and get used to the new parts of the phonology - and it’s available on Spotify. 

Easy German - They also have a podcast! They also talk about the german culture but also topics relevant to the rest of the world, though in a bit more natural speed and with a bit more relaxed manner. (Available on Spotify)

Radio D - Unfortunately not available on Spotify but it is easily found with just a google search (and by the attached link). The podcast is made for complete beginners, guiding you throughout different scenarios and settings and building up your understanding and basic knowledge of the language. Transscripts are also available for download.

Coffee Break German - A series of lessons where the listener, together with the English speaking host Mark, gets to learn German phrases and vocabulary from scratch with the help of Thomas. Each episode is between 20 to 30 minutes so get your pen and paper out to take effective notes. (Available on Spotify)

 You will come across many other podcasts, these are just a good place to start.

PODCASTS (for entertainment)

Eine Stunde History - With new episodes every Friday this podcast takes events throughout history and compare their relevance to today and the future. Perfect for those who have an interest in history. (Available on Spotify)

ZEIT WISSEN - Woher weißt Du dass? - The central theme being science, this podcast gives you a scientific perspective on a new question that is being explored every week. You want to know if humans can hybernate or what the consequenses of having sex with the neanderthals were? Not necessarily! But now you can! (Available on Spotify)

Verbrechen - This podcast features true crime, being led by Andreas Sentker and Sabine Rückert. Sabine is the one talking about the cases she’s been met with throughout her career in law enforcement. (Available on Spotify)

Biologie Passion Podcast - If you have a biology test coming up, if you want to repeat some long lost knowledge from school, or maybe you just have a passion for biology - then this is a good podcast for you. Christian Schweda is happy to teach (or reteach) you some biology. (Available on Spotify)

Eli’s Abitur Crashkurs - For those of you who are study freaks in general, you can visit Eli on Spotify! She has made a podcast on everything she has to study for during her Abitur. And the best thing is - they only come in 10-20 min episodes. But be aware for speedy speech. (Available on Spotify)

Die Copycats - Both on Youtube and on Spotify these guys talk about all sorts of nerdy things from video games to bad music and give their opinions on many other things. They’re quite small so go and give them a bit of love. (Available on Spotify)

#QueerAsBerlin - Not available on Spotify unfortunately. But as the title suggests is this podcast a commentary, interviews and a view on different aspects of social problems through the lens of the LGBTQ+ community in Berlin.  

Bin ich Süßsauer? - For my fellow asian LGBTQ+ people out there; this underrated podcast features an asian host in Germany, talking about different parts of LGBTQ (from what I understand the host themselves are trans and therefore the general theme) with different guests. Of course this can be enjoyed by anyone, just a small shout out for diversity. (Available on Spotify)

Schnapsidee - der Podcast über Liebe, Love & sexy sein - From the name alone you are most likely able to deduse the theme of this podcast. Anna and Paula talks about their love life, relationships, and sex! Their content is lighthearted and enjoyable to listen to. (Available on Spotify)

Dick und Doof - Without any real theme to their podcast, the two friends Sandra and Luca is having a great time, and we get to listen to their conversations about anything and everything. The both of them focus mostly on humour, sprinkled with an insight in their private lives. (Available on Spotify)

Alliteration am Arsch - Or AAA in foreshortening, features Bastian Bielendorfer and Reinhard Remfort who found themselves as friends after realizing the things they had in common and now we get to listen as the both of them discuss anything and everything through the lens of comedy. (Available on Spotify)

#deutsch #deutsch lernen #vokabeln #german #learning german #german vocabulary #german sources

[adultswim2021]

Welcome to Eltingville: “Bring Me the Head of Boba Fett” | February 26, 2002 - 4:00 AM | Special

Lots of personal baggage to unpack on this one, so please forgive what will surely read as a personal blog post:

Welcome to Eltingville was the first of Adult Swim’s “failed pilots” which aired as a special. It’s failed in the sense that it didn’t get picked up, presumably for being too expensive. It originally aired as a stealth premiere at 4:00AM on Monday night/Tuesday morning, I’m assuming to fulfill a contractual agreement. It had a “for real” advertised premiere on March 3rd, which is what you’ll find cited on various web sources.

It’s time I confess something here: I didn’t like this show the first time around. The early 2000s was a time when “nerd” culture was being clumsily embraced as a novelty. People suddenly started gravitating towards movies and shows about nerds, all usually portrayed in a cutesy and toothless way. Yes, I was too blinded by my own shunning of this trend to realize that this show was the antithesis of that. And yes, I was unfamiliar with the original comics that these were based on, which probably would have blown my mind if I was aware of them in the 90s. Hell, I would have shunned a Dan Pussey cartoon if I weren’t already in love with Dan Clowes comics.

Was it all overblown in my own head? Well, I can only come up with two examples to illustrate my distaste for “nerds stuff”, so yes, it probably was. First, Super Nerds, which was a 2000 pilot staring Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn as two nerds who worked at a comic book store. I was sold on it by a friend as being the best sitcom he’d ever seen in his life. I also loved Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn. But good lord, did I hate that show, a lot. The more mainstream example is the Comedy Central show Beat the Geeks, a trivia game show where normal people compete against experts (or geeks) in certain fields (usually popular culture related). The promos showed the geeks in question strutting around and ironically looking cool and triumphant. These promos were so profoundly unfunny to me that I found it insane and offensive when the whole “geek” angle seemed to hook other members of my family. “there’s this game show where guys have to compete... against GEEKS! haw haw!” I can still hear my dad’s voice echo in my head. I still hate it!

I also didn’t relate to traditionally geeky things, like superhero comics, science fiction/fantasy, etc. I hated all of that stuff, and I still mostly do (did I go through a multiple year phase in my early 30s where I tried to force myself to like super hero comics? Yes! I did! It didn’t particularly take). I am absolutely a comedy nerd, though, which is a much MUCH lonelier pursuit.

Hell, the comedy nerd isn’t even an archetype on TV shows; Freaks and Geeks came fairly close, but those guys also liked sci-fi and role-playing games and stuff. Square Pegs also had a comedy nerd character. There was that episode of Undeclared where Martin Starr is boring the rest of the cast by trying to explain that Freddy Got Fingered was an intelligent anti-comedy (the closest I’ve ever seen myself be portrayed on screen). All of these shows lasted one season, making the comedy nerd character the most potent poison since (NOTE TO SELF: google FAMOUS FICTIONAL POISONS, please pick a cool non-nerdy one [leave note-to-self in write-up if coming up with one is impossible {will come off as intentional meta-humor (everyone will love this)}]).

Welcome to Eltingville is about four friends who have created The Eltingville Comc Book, Science-Fiction, Fantasy, Horror, and Role-Playing Club. They’ve presumably been together for a long time when this episode starts, and we see the dynamics of the club right away, the main thing being the constant petty bickering that quickly becomes violent and destructive. They’re all gigantic jerks who presumably only hang with each other because nobody else will. The main conflict of this show has to do with Bill, the Stan of the group, and Josh, the Cartman, who eventually come to blows over a rare Boba Fett doll-- I mean, figure. The first half of the show is a pretty good introduction to the would-be-series, with the guys playing a D&D style role-playing game and then getting into a full-fledged fist-fight over a VHS compilation of nude scenes that turns out to be a recording of the Hair Bear Bunch. The second half is an adaptation of the comic story “Bring Me The Head of Boba Fett”. Had I thought of it I might have read the entire run of Eltingville Club comics before reviewing this. Unfortunately it was a bit of an afterthought so I just read the first two stories, including the Boba Fett one. For the record, I own the Eltingville book, and definitely read and loved the two-issue series that serves as the ending of the Eltingville comics. It’s all those comics in the middle I still need to get to.

The show is very funny and it looks beautiful. According to the few interviews that I’ve found regarding the show (including a page of text found in the Eltingville book, which precedes a section showing off some of the character design sheets), there really wasn’t much reason given for the show not getting picked up. The show definitely looked better than anything else on Adult Swim, so the whole “too expensive” thing seems like as good an assumption as any. Apparently Dorkin spread himself too thin working on this, attempting to design/draw every little thing seen on screen. I actually wondered that while watching the show, because his art style is faithfully preserved here, which is great! The episode ends the same way the comic story does, with Bill & Josh in a trivia-off, competing over the buying rights for a 12 inch Boba Fett action figure at their local comic shop. With every rewatch of this show I confront one basic thing about myself, and it’s how much of the trivia I’ve picked up since the last rewatch. Bill & Josh’s trivia-off is a flurry of questions regarding all kinds of geek garbage, and the few years between viewings of this results in me knowing a few more answers. But, I have the internet, and can usually get hold of a movie or TV show or comic book almost instantly. It’s important to not lose sight that these kids (especially in the comics) are either high-school or college-aged and they learned all of this shit in an era when the internet wasn’t as ubiquitous as it is today. The original comic is set firmly in 1994, and when there’s a dispute over a question Josh runs home to get a large Godzilla reference book to prove that he’s correct. This changed in the pilot to Josh losing on a technicality with a slip-of-the-tongue; attributing a famous catchphrase to a fellow club-member who had adopted it for himself (the comic actually SEEMS to set this up, but doesn’t go in that direction at all, which is weird when you read it AFTER watching this special. I think that means the cartoon improved on that idea).

Wikipedia makes no mention of this stealth broadcast. It would SEEM to make more sense that it aired Monday morning following late night Sunday, but Adult Swim ended at 1AM back in these days, making early Monday morning still technically “out of bounds”. In fact, I very nearly “corrected” the air date to reflect this, but a quick google search for “Welcome to Eltingville” + “4AM” yielded this message board thread where we can see in real time that early Tuesday morning is indeed correct. So, if you’re ever arguing over a 12 inch Boba Fett feel free to uses this trivia in your trivia off.

#adult swim #welcome to eltingville #adultswim2021

[changeling-rin]

The worst the Four have ever gotten is probably “Disturber Of The Peace”, what with all the running around they do.  RGBV, on the other hand, have the hilariously unfortunate problem of the Four Sword actually being a Sacred Relic in their time period.  They’re currently wanted for the theft and subsequent vandalization of a national monument and also didn’t they know there was a seal on that thing-

 And herein lies one of the perks of being made of water-based paint: oils and water don’t mix.  He hasn’t had a breakout since the day he got cursed, all the otherwise problem-causing oil just kinda... slides off.  Neat, huh?

...I am the creator?

I made Codex.  He’s an OC Link that I created because people liked one of my side stories, The Top 100 Things I’d Do If I Ever Became An Evil Overlord, and wanted to know what the Link’s name was that I was using.  I called him ‘Codex’ because he was always getting into books and stuff.  Overtime he became a college student writing a thesis paper, and now he’s got his own personality and quirks.

But yes, if for some reason Codex showed up in DL, he would most definitely have all his List-related notes.  

He’s about to take on his first Divine Beast, probably.  In my head, he’s figuring himself out right alongside the rest of the group figuring him out, so... first Divine Beast makes the most sense to me.  Like, one day he shows up and he’s like, “Soooooo... apparently I can see the spirits my fellow Champions?  And also apparently I’m a Champion?  And now there’s this really nice Zora Princess following me around?  Also she might have proposed to me, not quite sure on that point, the memory is a bit fuzzy - oh yeah, I got some memories back, that was neat.  And kinda traumatizing.”  And then everyone freaks out and parents the crap out of him until he feels better.

I think it’ll be fun!

#Changeling Answers #DL Questions #Rune #Codex #Sketch #The Four #RGBV #The Evil Overlord List #Dimensional Links

[kamenriderlogik27]

Saber headcanons part 4: Kento past + pre-caliber

-Like Sora, even though his dad was a swordsman, he went to a regular public school up until the day his dad betrayed the SOL. 

- The public school might be where he first met Touma (not sure about this yet since we don’t know who Touma’s parents are nor know his relation to the SOL) 

- If he did end up meeting Touma at school, then their first meeting would have to be on the playground. With Touma preferring to read a book instead of play with the other kids. 

- some of the other boys get annoyed at his lack of interest in joining their game, and they start picking on him. Kento, being his father’s son, detests the site of bullying and comes to Touma’s aid. After chasing away the bullies, Touma invites Kento to read with him to which Kento accepts; the start of a strong bond that transcends time. 

- Even though his dad wanted Kento to follow in his footsteps, Kento’s parents (suggesting that he has a mother) encouraged him to look into other careers such as a policeman, firefighter, soccer player, etc. 

- Because his dad was always away on missions, there would be times where Kento wouldn’t see his dad for moths on end. But his dad always made sure to write him letters of his adventures. 

-  Even though Kento was there the day his father betrayed the SOL and witnessed his father attack kamijou Daichi, he ended up fainting before he could see anything else and woke up two days later in the Northern Base’s clinic due to Ogami finding him and bringing him there. 

- Kento searched everywhere, high and low, for Touma and Luna, and waited at their promised place everyday just in case they came by.   

- After almost a year of waiting and not finding them, he started to believe that they were both dead and instantly blamed himself for his father’s actions. 

- Wanting to at least try and make things right, he started asking Sofia and anyone he could come across in the SOL about anything regarding his father, the betrayal, and what happened that day. 

- After finding out that no one really knew anything, he decided that he had to become a swordsman himself in order to investigate more. 

- He became the current Espada, Shinsen’s, student after begging Sofia to help him become a swordsmen. However, in order for Shinsen to fully accept him, Kento had to prove himself worthy and complete difficult tasks such as running for a specific amount of time, cleaning a very large ballroom, etc. which Kento did without complaint. 

- (according to RiderWiki, Shinsen took Rintaro under his wing after Nagamine died. I found this out a day after writing Rintaro’s headcanons. After reading it, I first thought that oh, maybe Rintaro and Kento really did grow up together then. But that still doesn’t answer why Rintaro seemed to be surprised at his presence in ep 2 and 3 and why he used formal speech when talking about and to Kento as if they didn’t grow up together. After thinking for a good long while, here’s what I came up with.)

- As Shinsen had already taken Rintaro under his wing after Nagamine died, He had trouble figuring out ways of teaching his two students in similar or different fighting styles (as Rintaro was still the successor of Nagare and Blades’s title and thus had to be taught a fighting style fit for the swordsmen of water.). Rintaro, not wanting to burden Shinsen as well as wanting to take more after his master’s fighting style, suggested that he learn Blades’s fighting style through books by himself so that Shinsen could focus on training Kento. 

- Even though Shinsen felt guilty at not being able to properly teach Rintaro what he needed to know, it still worked out perfectly since Shinsen could properly train Kento while Rintaro studied, and then both boys would be able to practice what they learned by sparring.  

- Kento was always super focused on training and bettering his technique, but he was still a kid at heart and wanted friends. however, at the same time, didn’t really believe that he deserved friends. This didn’t stop him from attempting to have friendly conversations with Rintaro during breaks while sparring though. 

- However, due to Rintaro’s personality and habit of taking things too literally, Kento was never able to start up a fun conversation with the water swordsman apprentice that proved to be even slightly similar to the conversations he would have with Touma and Luna. 

- Being as young as he is and having gone through so much pain, I can actually see Kento almost seeing Rintaro as a possible, unintentional replacement for Touma. But because Rintaro has gone through some shit himself and want’s to focus on his own path, he kinda goes against the image of Touma that Kento unintentionally put on him. The frustration Kento gets from this fact builds up so much that it explodes one day.

- That one day happened to be one of the rare days where Shinsen would be teaching the boys a new technique at the same time, since it was a pretty basic swordsman technique that didn’t require any particular style. Unlike most times where Kento would usually wait until a break or after sparring to strike up a conversation, Kento instead started speaking as the boys sparred. At first he talked about things like the weather and what they both had eaten that day (of course with Rintaro not saying much other than “can we please focus?”) then his words slowly got more aggressive to the point where Kento started mocking Rintaro’s lack of character. 

-Rintaro of course, tried his best to ignore Kento and focus on sparring, but when Kento asked “who do you take after, your mom or dad?” he finally felt as if he had to respond. 

- R: “I don’t know...” 

   K: “How can you not know? Don’t you have a family?”

   R: “The SOL is my family.”

    K: “Are you dumb? The SOL is an organization! They can’t be your family! A family AT LEAST has to have a mother and father!” 

- The last sentence Kento said brought Rintaro to tears, so he quickly yells “You don’t know anything!” and runs off back to the base. 

- For the next year, Rintaro refused to participate in anymore lessons and spars with Kento, and would always run the other direction if he so much as saw Kento appear anywhere. Kento did feel really guilty about what he said, especially after Shinsen scolded him and explained Rintaro’s situation and past. That being said, he tried his best to find Rintaro to apologize, only to always watch the boy’s back as he ran away. 

- Somewhat fed up with having to chase the water swordsman apprentice, Kento came up with a plan to have Ren capture Rintaro and tie him up so that he couldn’t escape. He honestly wasn’t expecting his plan to work so well, but because it did, he was finally able to talk to Rintaro and ask for forgiveness. To which, Rintaro gave under the condition that they both work hard to become swordsmen. After this incident, Kento saw Rintaro in a new light. He wasn’t a boy that could possibly fill up the whole Touma and Luna left, instead, he was Rintaro; a fellow apprentice who was really talented and smart. And Kento really admired him for that. 

- The only reason why Kento flew in on his magic carpet in ep 2+3 is because he was on a mission somewhat far away and wanted to see Touma as soon as possible once he was done. 

OR

- Despite being overjoyed that Touma was actually alive AND had been introduced to the SOL/become a Kamen Rider as well, Kento was actually super nervous about meeting him again. He thought about what he would do and what he would say. He wondered how he would ask Touma about Luna, and how he should explain about what happened that day 15 years ago. When Rintaro told him about walking into Touma’s bookstore while riding his blue lion, Kento thought that maybe riding in on his magic carpet might be a good conversation starter if anything got too awkward. 

-He’s literally imagined his and Touma’s reunion hundreds of times after he heard that Touma was alive. He also wanted to ask him questions like “where did you go to school?” “What college degree do you have?” “Did you go on any adventures?(bookwise or real life)” ect. Kento just really wants to know how his friend has been all these years. 

- Kento is actually a neat freak and low-key OCD. He can’t stand being messy and has his own, somewhat professional way of organizing. Though he’d rather let others clean if there’s a way for him to opt out. 

- Kento is very fond of fictional novels, especially if they’re books that he read with Touma and Luna back in the day. However, he has no patience for non-fication, and secretly finds them very boring. His favorite genre of fictional novels would have to be adventure, fantasy and anything with super heroes. However, he does have a secret soft spot for romance (to the point where he has his own ships), and would rather die than admit to this fact.

- Is on the book side of the “Book vs. Movie” argument because he has never actually watched a movie to the end. Whenever he finds time to watch a movie, he ends up being so tired that he falls asleep before the climax. Reading a book at least gives his eyes something to focus on, plus books are like ‘a movie in your head’. 

-Kento kind of gives off a ‘spring’ feel to me, so I think that his favorite scents could be fresh laundry, calm lavender, and a warm spring breeze.

- Doesn’t dog-ear books, thankfully. But he does end up using weird objects as book marks. (i.e. an old receipt, a library card, post-it note, basically anything small, flat and within hands reach.)  

#kamen rider #kamen rider saber #kamen rider espada #kamen rider blades #fukamiya kento #shindo rintaro #kamiyama touma #akamichi ren #saber headcanons #this got super dark #honestly though this boy has been through a lot so it HAS to be somewhat dark #took me a while to write this 'cause thinking up kento's past was a bit difficult

[kiarcheo]

It’s All Coming Back to Me Now    3/?

On tumblr : Part 1 here  and Part 2 here

This chapter is more than 3000 words so if you want to read it on Ao3 click here.

The changed relationship between Catalina and Katherine remains pretty much a secret, even if not on purpose. It's just that nothing really changes for them. They are already living together (they will realise later on that nobody mentions it because they don’t know). Katherine calls Catalina mum or mamá only occasionally, and only when they are alone. She is working on the irrational fear that by showing how close they are, how much she loves Catalina, she will somehow lose her, but habits are hard to break. And while it always gives them a thrill to refer to the other as their mother/daughter, it’s something rarely needed as they don’t meet that many new people. Their now legal bond is as cherished as much as it is not talked about.

If you were to ask them why they never said anything to the other queens, they would just reply that it simply never came up. And it’s not like they don’t talk to the others. Things are much more relaxed since moving out. Distance and space definitely made for better relationships in their case. Of course, some grow closer more than others. Katherine, in particular, made an effort to stay in touch with all the others and build a relationship with every single one, but she quickly made it an unofficial rule not to talk about the other queens. Tired to spend half of their meetups providing updates about the others, she had finally sent a message to the group chat very politely saying that if they wanted to know how someone was doing they should ask the person in question and not her.

And it’s on that very group chat that Cathy requests a meeting, the first time they would get all together since they moved out of their shared house.

They are catching up when Catalina speaks up. ‘Not that this isn’t nice-’

‘Try not to sound so surprised. I’m a freaking delight to be around.’  

Catalina’s glare at Anne lacks any heat. Just because she made Katherine laugh. You are supposed to be merciful towards the court buffoon, after all. It’s not like she suddenly likes her.

‘But is there a specific reason we are all here or....?’ all remaining chatter peters out  and attention turns to Cathy.

‘Have you looked...read what they say about us? Yourself,’ she corrects herself. They have a sort of implicit agreement not to look into each other’s lives. As much as possible, at least, considering how interconnected some of their stories are.

Everyone nods, mood getting sombre.

‘From your faces I guess you don’t necessarily like what you found?’

‘It’s not about liking. Some things are just plain wrong.’ Jane’s comment gets another round of nods.

‘I agree. And that’s what I wanted to talk to you...Since we got a second chance, why don’t we make things right. Tell people what really went down. Like, I was not a glorified, old nursemaid.’

‘I was not ugly.’

‘You have always been stunning.’

Anna’s scowl turns into a soft smile towards Katherine.

‘I was not a witch. And I had a normal amount of fingers. And I definitely never did anything weird with my brother and-’

‘We get it, babe.’

Everyone – Catalina included – stops, surprised by the term of endearment. Maybe absence does make the heart grow fonder.

‘What if we could change that?’ Cathy jumps in, recovering. ‘If history remembers us wrong, we have the chance to make it right. Give our own version of the facts.’

‘I thought we were not supposed to talk about it? Like, tell people who we are?’ Jane points out. ‘We made a deal.’

‘A limited-time deal.’ It’s Anna who seems to catch on what Cathy is saying. There is still quite some time before it expires, but still...

‘Exactly. And when the gag order is done...I think it’s time we speak up.’

‘How?’

Everyone nods. They are not against it in principle, not at all, but they haven’t actually thought about the possibility before, so it’s a brand-new concept for them.

‘At first I thought about writing a book.’

‘Of course, you did.’

It might actually work, Cathy thinks looking at the queens, who all said it at the same time and are now sharing amused glances. And she’ll happily takes the teasing if that is what is needed.

‘But then I thought...how many people are actually going to read it? And what kind of people?’ Cathy continues. ‘I would like to think that nobody already interested in...history? The period? Us?...well, actually believes that Anne was a witch, for example. What we need is to change popular misconceptions and as much as it pains me to say it, I don’t think books would do the job. Then I thought...interviews. They surely would have more reach. But how would we choose? How many? Would we have control over the questions? And then Kat gave me the perfect idea. A fun, engaging one to take control of our narratives.’

‘Me?’ the youngest queen asks surprised.

‘Hamilton.’ It’s all Cathy says.

Catalina groans. ‘She got you too?’

Cathy has to guess that she has been subjected to the topic one too many times (Cathy doesn’t know that in the Trastámara house there is a limit of once a day per soundtrack...because Catalina appreciates music as any normal person does or even more, but Katherine gets obsessed. For weeks she had listened to those 46 songs – yes, she counted them – on repeat, and she had to put a stop to it. Once a day is enough, thank you very much). The other queens are nodding, so it seems that everyone has at least heard Kat talking about it.

‘You want to write a musical about ourselves?’ Anne asks, sounding intrigued.

‘I want us to write it. But yes. If we do it well, it would have a bigger audience than an interview or a book could ever reach.’

‘Except that not anyone can write a musical.’ Anna points out, sceptical.

‘I seem to remember some people having quite the musical skills.’ Cathy didn’t read up on the others, but being the last queen means that she had heard stuff about her predecessors. And while she knows to take with a pinch of salt (or a whole handful of it) what people were saying, even at the time, she doesn’t think that would be something worth lying about. What’s the point of spreading false rumours about Catherine of Aragon or Anne Boleyn being accomplished musicians and talented singers? Cathy herself had vocal and instrumental music training, just like them and Kat too.

Cathy chances a glance at the youngest queen. Hopefully the others will think that it’s knowledge from the past – which mainly is – and not related to anything Kat had shared with her. Like the fact that despite some hang-ups, she had decided to take up music again, not wanting bad memories to ruin forever something she loved. She had started with the ukulele figuring it was the most similar she could get to a lute, before moving to guitar. Then on keyboard…money and space wise a piano was just not feasible for where she lived, Kat had explained. Similar issues, along with the noise, are the ones keeping her away from drums (Catalina has been extremely supportive but putting up with her learning how to play drums might be a bit too much even for her). So she had settled on a woodwind instrument as the next one to pick up. Kat credits her past life’s experiences with flute, lute and virginal, and the wonders of internet for her ability to teach herself. She is even considering whether going for it more seriously. Well, not that she isn’t taking it seriously now, she spends long hours practicing, but more like...academically or professionally. They had various conversations about it, about her maybe joining a school or getting a degree or if she should just try to get a jig or something like that. Cathy won’t lie and say that their chats didn’t play a part in her proposing the musical idea, knowing that at least one of them had enough music knowledge and talent in this new life of theirs to pull it off, but she isn’t sure how much Kat had told the others so she doesn’t want to bring it up if Kat doesn’t.

While Catalina and Kat are looking thoughtful, and Anne interested, Jane and Anna still look unconvinced.

‘We can always ask for professional help.’ Cathy concedes. ‘But we should be the one deciding what to say. That’s the whole point. Let’s just try writing something. Ideas. What we want people to know. Type of music. Inspirations. Then we can see what we have and go from there.’

‘What are you proposing exactly?’

‘Let’s try to write a song each.’

.

They all agreed on going in order but now Catalina is deeply regretting it. Because she has to stand up in front of the others and tell them that she doesn’t have her song ready. She has been dreading the meeting. She knows she doesn’t have to be perfect all the time in this life lest something terrible happens. She knows she can’t be perfect all the time. But she still feels uncomfortable showing any kind of weakness. Especially in front of her fellow queens. And the only one whom she allowed herself to be vulnerable with is not currently there. Katherine had texted the group chat saying that she was on her way but was going to be late. Indeed, the catching up part is now over and all the attention shifts to Catalina.

‘So...’ Queens do not fidget. That has been drilled into her and any instinct to do it eradicated centuries ago, which is the only reason she is not fidgeting as everyone looks at her. ‘I have some words,’ she doesn’t dare to call them lyrics, ‘but I don’t really have anything music-wise.’

‘I do!’ Kat bursts into the room, panting. ‘Sorry I’m late, I lost track of time.’

‘You do?’

Kat smiles at Catalina sheepishly. ‘I had some ideas when you showed me what you wrote and thought I’d try them out. I wanted it to be a surprise, but not like this. I was planning to let you listen to it first, but I sort of just finished it? That’s why I was late. Of course, you don’t have to like it. Or listen to it at all. You know what? Let’s forget about it. I’m sure you’ll come up with something much better yourself and you don’t need-’

‘Breathe.’ Catalina waits until she sees the girl taking a couple of deep breaths, short-winded both from running there and then her ramblings. ‘Let’s hear my song.’

‘Are you sure? Because-’

‘I trust you.’ She does. Katherine has talent, she knows it better than anyone else. She is the one witnessing the ease with which she picks up new instruments or how she can play music by ear after listening to it a handful of times. The one who has the privilege to listen to her playing and singing around the house (and now she knows why lately it had happened less, if Katherine had been working on the song for her). But most importantly she trusts her because Katherine knows her. Better than anyone else. She knows her tastes, musical ones included. And she knows her story. Her side of the story.

Katherine takes out her laptop. ‘It’s quite rough, obviously. And the key is-’

‘Just let us hear it.’

Kat nods. She looks down at the papers full of scribbles in front of her. Takes a breath. Then starts the music.

You must agree that, baby, in all the time I’ve been by your side I've never lost control, no matter how many times I knew you lied Have my golden rule Got to keep my cool, yeah, baby

And even though you've had your fun Running around with some pretty young thing And even though you've had one son With someone who don't own a wedding ring No matter what I heard, I didn't say a word No, baby

Katherine looks at Catalina to gauge her reaction at the first part of the song. She has a small smile and she is nodding to the rhythm. Encouraging.

I've put up with your sh- like every single day But now it's time to shh, and listen when I say

It’s Katherine’s spin on Catalina’s words. She isn’t sure she will want to leave the ‘swear’ in, but she just had to do it and try. She knows it’s not something people would expect from the first queen, but she had in mind the Catalina she knows rather than the one people think they know. And her Catalina is not shy about swearing as long as they are alone.

You must think that I'm crazy You wanna replace me, baby there's N-n-n-n-n-n-no way If you think for a moment I'd grant you annulment, just hold up, there's N-n-n-n-n-n-no way

She had needed something to make the tempo works, and then she had remembered Catalina calling Anne babe during the last meeting, and she decided to try it out. Also it makes for a slightly condescending tone towards Henry, calling him baby, which Katherine likes and thinks Catalina will do too.

So you read a bible verse that I'm cursed 'Cause I was your brother's wife You say it's a pity 'cause quoting Leviticus "I'll end up kiddy-less all my life" Well, daddy, weren't you there, when I gave birth to Mary?

That had been a struggle to work out, but Katherine had really wanted to include it because it was so important. The reason Henry adduced seeking the annulment was completely unfounded and people had to know it.

You're just so full of sh-, must think that I'm naive I won't back down won't shh, and no, I'll never leave

You must think that I'm crazy You wanna replace me, baby, there's N-n-n-n-n-n-no way If you thought it'd be funny, to send me to a nunnery, honey, there's No way

Catalina doesn’t seem to hate it and the others are nodding along to the beat, Katherine notices as she looks up from her notes.  There will be work to be done for sure, but maybe they have a good starting point.

‘Dance break?’ Katherine speaks up as the music continues.

‘You always loved a good dance.’ Anne points out, remembering her time at court with her, Jane nodding along.

It’s true. What they don’t know is that she had taken it up again. Encouraged by Katherine pursuing her love for music, she had decided to do the same with her passion for dancing. It’s not something she could see herself doing seriously as Katherine does with playing instruments, but she is loving attending classes and practicing on her own in the privacy of their living room, sometimes making up new routines, sometimes involving Katherine when she needs a partner.

You got me down on my knees Please tell me what you think I've done wrong Been humble, been loyal, I've tried to swallow my pride all along If you can just explain a single thing I've done to cause you pain, I'll go No? You've got nothing to say? I'm not going away

You made me a wife, so I'll be queen 'til the end of my life

Catalina had considered herself married and the legitimate queen until her last days…and Katherine with her. It’s only recently that she had considered how her life would have been different – if at all – had she joined Anne’s household like her step-grandmother had been planning. She is quite sure that at the time she would have been less than happy to be around the ‘usurper’ of what she still thought of as her queen, even months after her death.

There's no way

‘Not sure about the end. Maybe another chorus? Or...I don’t know. Like I said, it’s quite rough, I rushed it a bit, especially the last part, I can think about it more and see-’

‘This is rough?!?’

‘Well...yeah? I just took what she wrote and tried to put it in music, but it could be so much better. Like harmonies! Or, you know, add stuff, take it out...change it completely if you don’t like it.’ She is now talking to Catalina.

‘Some bits and bobs, but honestly? I loved it.’

‘Really?’

‘Do I make a habit to say things I don’t mean?’ Catalina looks at her with a raised eyebrow. She shakes her head with a smile at the mumbled sorry she gets.

‘How did you do it?’ Anne interrupts the exchange. ‘Like, the backing track?’

‘Oh. Well, I recorded each instrument separately. Then overlapped the individual tracks. Which was honestly the hardest part. Learning how to use the software.’

‘Would you mind giving me a hand?’ Anne asks her cousin. ‘Once I have the lyrics down, I mean. I’ve been messing around with a keyboard and got myself a guitar, but it was going to be a stripped-down version, like, acoustic, with whatever it worked better for the song. But if you can do the other instruments and put everything together...’

‘Of course! Just let me know what you need and when!’  

‘I might look into some practice rooms. Possibly with instruments. I’ve been dying to get my hands on some drums!’

‘Me too!’

‘Really?’ Catalina hopes her dread isn’t too obvious. She isn’t going to stop her, but she isn’t looking forward to it, if she has to be honest.

‘It’s not going to happen, don’t have the space. Or soundproofing.’ Kat reassures her.

‘We can learn together!’

‘I have been thinking...about a possible structure.’ Cathy says, encouraged by the enthusiasm of the cousins. ‘We said one song each, then I’m thinking maybe one for introduction and one as conclusion? An introductory song to explain what we’re doing? And one last song so that we don’t end with my song. Kind of a final message? About us reclaiming our stories or something?’

‘We could sing them all together!’

‘Oh!’ Kat perks up at Anna’s words. ‘We could add some chorus and stuff in Catalina’s song, like backup singers?, so that it’s not just her singing and us waiting around-’

‘Wait. Her. US? Are we supposed to sing ourselves?’ Jane stops her.

‘I thought so?’ Kat looks around. Jane does the same. It does seem like that’s what the others thought too.

‘Let’s worry about that later.’ Cathy can see that Jane is not particularly convinced about that, but she doesn’t want her to worry about it now. ‘We can get professional singers just like we can get professional writers, if needed.’

‘Another thing…not sure if it’s relevant now, because Kat sort of already did it. But I was going to say that we should make it modern?’ Anna suggests. ‘If it’s just a history lesson, it’s gonna be boring. Not saying that Catalina’s song was boring. At all. But. I don’t know. It’s something I wanted to bring up before hearing it, so...’ she shrugs.

Upon Catalina’s suggestion, they agree on not having set deadlines for when a queen is supposed to deliver her song. It had stressed her out quite a lot having to come up with something by a fixed date, especially when she couldn’t. And without a delivery deadline, Kat would have had the time to show her what she was doing, and they could have worked on it together. They are going to do it now, so it’s not that much a problem, but there is no reason they have to do things in a hurry.

 ________________________

As usual, started as something turned out so much more…included a take on how the musical was born. I always love reading fics about it…guess it was inevitable I’d take my shot at it too. I don’t know much about music and I’m aware that’s probably not how writing a musical works…but this is fiction so please bear with me.

#six the musical #six the musical fanfiction #six fanfiction #catherine and katherine #six fic #six the musical fic #my six posts #six writing #mywork #my ideas #fic: It’s All Coming Back to Me Now #my posts #six the musical fanfic #six fanfic

[lanaisnotwool]

406 Why You Need Masterminds - Interview Alex Pardo

http://moneyripples.com/2020/07/10/1597/

Chris Miles, the "Cash Flow Expert and Anti-Financial Advisor," is a leading authority on how to quickly free up and create cash flow for thousands of his clients, entrepreneurs, and others internationally! He’s an author, speaker, and radio host that has been featured in US News, CNN Money, Bankrate, Entrepreneur on Fire, and spoken to thousands getting them fast financial results.

Listen to our Podcast here:

https://www.blogtalkradio.com/moneyripples/2020/06/05/406--why-you-need-masterminds-interview-with-alex-pardo

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Chris Miles (00:00): Hello, my fellow Ripplers! This is Chris Miles. Your Cash Flow Expert and Anti-Financial Advisor. Hey guys! I'm going to welcome you out for another show this week. A show that's for you and about you. Those of you that work so freaking hard for your money, and you're ready for your money start working harder for you. Now! You want that freedom. That cash flow. That prosperity. Today! Not 30 or 40 years from now, but right now. So you work because you want to. Not because you have to. So you have that life that you love being with those that you love doing what you love. But it's not just about your own comfort and convenience, right? It's not just about having that life of your dreams, where you can just sit back and sip on some lemonade or whatever. But it's so much more than that guys, because as Ripplers, you guys actually want to create a ripple effect through people's lives. Not just your family, but through your community and across the world, because as you become free yourself, you can help others do the same too.

Chris Miles (00:58): And I'm excited to be a part of that ripple effect because you guys allow me to create the ripple effect through you. And guys, I appreciate it so much. I appreciate you guys being a part of this. Of this movement. You guys are becoming a part of something that's amazing, and it's allowing me to express it and get that bigger impact and reach that I've always wanted. So thank you for being a part of this, sharing it bingeing on these episodes and everything else you do.

Chris Miles (01:21): Quick reminder, check our website, MoneyRipples.Com There's great stuff on there as well. You can also reach out to me if you've got questions in addition to that. All right, guys. So today I want to bring on a special guest, a guy that I've come to really respect in one of my mastermind groups that he's in a part of a high level, real estate mastermind group, Collective Genius that we're together in. And Alex Pardo. He's the guy that's always impressed me, right? One, I mean, not just an amazing entrepreneur and a real estate professional himself and investor and a coach and everything else. Right? But he's also a family guy. He's like a real person, which as you guys know, I like to bring on genuine, authentic people. You know, not like the slick, you know, snake oil, salesmen of sorts. Like this guy is the real deal. By the way, he's also got another podcast you can check out called FLIPEMPIRE. It's awesome! And that's also his name of his company. He also has a parent company called Creative RE-Solutions. He's flipped well over 300 properties. So even after you graduated from college, but you know, almost 20 years ago, he decided to go work for GE at the time. He's like, you know what, even though I've become a CEO, I'm changing that direction.

Chris Miles (02:27): And so this is where he ended up starting going down that path. No more working 75 hours a week. Moved over towards doing real estate and have a life of freedom. And so guys, the main reason I brought him on today is because, you know, many of you will ask me, they say, Chris, you know, I hear you're part of these great groups, these masterminds, you know, how do I find people like that? Because right now, now more than ever, you need a support group. And so, Alex, love having you on the show, man. Thanks! Thanks for coming on.

Alex Pardo (02:55): Chris. Thank you so much for the opportunity. I'm excited to be on and to share some thoughts with Your audience. So thank you for having me.

Chris Miles (03:01): Yeah. So tell us a little bit more about the path, fill in the gaps for me a little bit, cause I know you're an adventurer. I mean, you've backpacked all over the world and done cool stuff. I mean, but tell us a little bit more about you.

Alex Pardo (03:11): Yeah. I'll try to keep it super brief cause you on a lot of it, but you know, sometime around college, first of all, ever since I was 11, 12 years old, I would buy and sell baseball cards. I would buy packs of cards and boxes and I would flip them. And at the time I didn't know, I was essentially wholesaling like, but I was learning some of the, just the fundamentals of buying low and selling high. And so I think I've always been wired with that in me. And something changed there on college. When I was in college, I, I think it was the prestige or maybe it was the ego, honestly, that I wanted to. I saw like the Jack Welch's of the world and all these big time CEOs. And I'm like, I want to be that guy. Until I got hired by general electric in their financial management program.

Alex Pardo (03:51): And I moved away from Miami for the first time. And I'll never forget, you know, three and a half months into that job. I was averaging about 70 to 80 hours a week. I didn't enjoy anything I was doing. And the defining moment for me, Chris was I would look at my boss. I would look at their boss and then I would keep going up the chain all the way up to the CFO of GE capital. And I looked at them and I said, I don't want to be that person. I don't want to be working around the clock. And I just didn't enjoy it at that decision. At that point, when I made a decision, I'm going to finish the two year program, but I'm going to start educating myself about real estate. I had read Rich Dad, Poor Dad. I had read a bunch of these books, but I had never taken action.

Alex Pardo (04:30): Right? So long story short, I finished that two year commitment. I went backpacking around Europe to "Find myself. Figuring out what I wanted to do." And I was in an internet cafe in Ibiza and a friend of mine sent me an email and he said, Hey, I'm going to this camp. Marketing for deals Boot-camp. It's 997 bucks. It does. It might not sound like a lot of money to a lot of people, but for me at the time I had funded my entire three months backpack, triple my credit card. I didn't really have much money and it was a fork in the road. Well, thank God. I decided to take him up on that offer. I spent a thousand bucks on my card, went to the event, pulled out a letter. They were teaching us how to market for pre-foreclosures. This was in late 2005 and I started handwriting envelopes and sending out mailers to Pre-Foreclosures. A couple of months later, I closed my first deal and almost made exactly what I was making as a salary at GE. So, I've been doing that ever since 2005.

Chris Miles (05:28): That's awesome! You know, I can know a lot of people here can relate cause there's lot of people here that work really, they do really work hard for their money, right? And some of them make great money. But it comes with a price, you know, and some people will actually even believe that you have to do that. Like somehow you just have to work those long hours to get that kind of money. And that's just not true. That's a whole paradigm shifts that everybody needs to have. Right?

Alex Pardo (05:50): That's right! A hundred percent. I mean, I think you hit the nail on the head. I see. It's really unfortunate when I see people sacrificing time with their family or whatever they value, whatever it's important in the pursuit of money. Because as cliche as it might sound, forget tomorrow, the next minute is not promised to us. And unfortunately, sometimes it takes a tragedy or it, sometimes it takes, it takes you hearing about someone passing away for it's reminding you, like you have to enjoy life. And that's not to say that, you know, you don't pay attention to the responsibilities and end generating income and bringing in the finances. That's important, but you can have both, you know, I learned years ago from a mentor that this is an end world. It's not an either/or. In other words, you can have both things. You just have to be very intentional and strategic about it.

Chris Miles (06:35): Yeah. That's that's, I love that! That whole abundance mindset and realize not either/or, but it's a, how would I have both. Right? How do I have my cake and eat it too. Right?

Alex Pardo (06:44): Right. It's possible.

Chris Miles (06:45): It's sure is. Yeah. Well, tell us, like in your journey, like what's been some of the biggest ways, what are some of the biggest factor for your success?

Alex Pardo (06:55): Great question, Chris. I wish I had a sexy answer for you. I wish it was a story with a chance encounter with some celebrity where I got an opportunity. It wasn't that at all. It was, I've, a couple of years into my journey. As an entrepreneur, I tried to do everything alone. I was a lone Wolf and I had some success, but I also had some pretty big failures and those failures kind of shaped me. And one of the things I realized is I don't have to reinvent the wheel. If I can find the right people, put them into my life and have the right inner circle. I can, essentially success leaves, clues, right? And then I have to follow their exact path because I'm on my own unique journey, but I don't have to make mistakes that these people have already been through.

Alex Pardo (07:35): So the two years, it took me losing $51,000, $52,000. In 2007. Right as the market was shifting, I lost just over 50 grand on a deal. And I vowed to that point. I said, I'm not going at this alone anymore. So I hired a coach at that time. And through that process, I got exposed to masterminds. And so for the last, I don't know, whatever, it's been 12 years, 13 years, I have been coached by a couple of people at the same time. I've invested in myself as you have. We were just talking how we're both a part of multiple mastermind groups. And I could not imagine, Chris, especially with everything going on with COVID-19, I couldn't imagine going at this alone or without having a network, a community, a mastermind. Where I could just pick up the phone and call someone like you, Chris, and Hey, this is my challenge. This is what I'm going through. Or I need your insight. I need your perspective. So that's completely changed my life, you know, not just coaching, but being a part of the right communities, being a part of the right groups, people that are gonna walk alongside you, people that are going to help you to think bigger and challenge you and hold you accountable. It's been a game changer for me.

Chris Miles (08:41): Yeah. I'd be curious to know. Cause I know a lot of people ask me this. They're like, well, how do you find a good group like that? Like how do you find the one that's the right group? Cause there's lots of groups out there. Right? And there's tons of posers out there. There's tons of people that are kind of charlatans. Right? And they tend, and some of them are some of the biggest marketing people out there. Right? And then you get in their groups, you're like, this group stinks, you know, it's like this, isn't like, this is all hype and no real content or no real like, you know, real muscle to it. You know? So for you, like, what's been your experience like how you found the right groups.

Alex Pardo (09:13): Yeah. Well, first of all, phenomenal question. And I think this can be really, really helpful for people that have gotten to the point where they've said, okay, I see the value in being in a mastermind. I see the value in plugging into the right community. Now I go online, how do I even start the process. And one of the things I always say is, you know, do some research. Find out. Look at the leader. Who's running the group? And chances are, you know, most masterminds. You're going to go through some sort of interview process. And in some cases that's kind of a marketing gimmick type thing, a sales thing. In other cases it's legit. Like they, you know, if the leader is vetting, who is being put in the group, that's the kind of group I think you want to be a part of, not just somebody that can stroke a check or send a wire or make a certain investment in themselves.

Alex Pardo (10:00): But you want the group to have some sort of qualifications. And that doesn't necessarily mean X amount of volume or X amount of dollars you make. That could be a part of it. But you want to connect with the leader. They're going to probably interview you. You want to interview them. Ask them about their core values. Ask them about why they started the group. What's their intention? What's their, why are they doing this? Is it a business? And if so, that's fantastic! Absolutely nothing wrong with that because masterminds can be very lucrative as you know, Chris, but I would want to be a part of a group where it's more than just a business for them, right? Where their hearts in it, where they have a heart for service and for giving. And so you want to find out what makes up the DNA on that group, right?

Alex Pardo (10:41): Is it a group of go givers? Is it a group of people or is it a group of just like, you know, ego, chest pounding people that it's all about, Hey, I'm bigger and better kind of thing because there's both groups out there. So find a group that resonates with you. I think the second thing you want to ask yourself is, what direction do you want to take your life in your business? Do you have a vision for your life and for your business? Because depending on what you want to accomplish and the direction you want to go could really dictate what type of group you get into. To your point, Chris, there's no shortage of masterminds out there. It feels like they're popping up left and right now. Now, the flip side is, don't do so much research and don't get into analysis paralysis that, you know, 12 months later, you still haven't joined the group. The right group is out there. I think you can figure out just by having a conversation or a couple of conversations with the leader. And maybe even get some referrals, find out, Chris, you know, who's in that group? Who can I connect with? And gain an unbiased opinion on that group.

Chris Miles (11:37): I think that's a great idea for sure. Essentially. Cause like, you know, I always took the, you know, as a coach right. And consulting people, I always took kind of more of the group model for a few years. And then I realized that people didn't really need a guru model. They needed a guide. Right? And obviously I still give, you know, help and advice and guidance and stuff. But I realized that one of the biggest shifts for me was after I started to look into mastermind groups myself. And start to see the value when I started to apply that element to my own clients. Cause I had them come out to my house, for example, you know, twice a year. And, and we just have this very intimate group. And a lot of the members of the group said, you know, they'll even say at the end, they'll say, you know, the biggest thing I got out of this, like, sorry, Chris, like your stuff is awesome.

Chris Miles (12:19): But I love talking to people that were at my level, like people that were dealing with the same thing I'm dealing with right now. Like I've learned so much from talking with other people, even just during the breaks or lunch or whatever. Like I have learned so much from that. And it blew my mind. Like my ego was kinda rocked for a little bit. I was like, wait a minute, like I'm supposed to be your mentor. And then I realized, no, this is good. This is awesome. Like it's such amazing, it was such an amazing perspective shift for me and seeing how it really benefits people.

Alex Pardo (12:49): Yeah. And I always tell, I think to that end, Chris, you know, when we interview people and when we, and we have a pretty small intimate group through a sense, but when we interview people, we tell them, look, you're going to get the X's and O's and the strategy, and you're going to get a lot of content. But that's not even where the real value is. That's extremely valuable. But it's the relationships. The relationship capital is priceless. The fact that you and I are in a group and now we're doing this and there's ways that you can collaborate with people and the friendships and the fact that I can pick up the phone and call anybody in our group. Chris is, to me, it's just, it's priceless. So while I get a lot of value at the actual masterminds, to your point, it's the side conversations at the bar at the restaurant or at the break, it's the connection.

Alex Pardo (13:36): I mean, again, everybody's heard, you know, your net worth is your net worth. And I've also heard, it's not, it, it's not what, you know, it's who, you know, I'll take it a step further. It's who knows you. And so to me, that's, if I was weighing it out, that's probably 70%, 75% of the value is the relationships. And yeah, I've learned a ton and I've implemented systems and marketing strategies. And I bought properties from people in our group. And so there's been a lot of business that has come out of it, but the relationships is really what it's all about for me.

Chris Miles (14:07): That's, amen to that man! So, you know, I'll tell you like, and like you said before too, you like even mentioned like, it's, you kind of went to the question, I was already gonna ask you already hit it. Right? Which was, how would somebody know it's the right route for them? Right? And that kind of leads me to your group. You have a group named Ascend, right? So Alex, tell us more about Ascend, you know, what it is and who would be the right fit for that kind of group.

Alex Pardo (14:29): Yeah. Yeah. Thank you so much for the opportunity to kind of briefly share about it. And I don't want this to be sound like a sales pitch or anything. It's just, honestly, I've been doing real estate now for 15 years. This is what I'm most passionate about. I realized my calling is to pour into people's lives and to work with them. So, because I've been a part of a lot of different mastermind groups and I've had a lot of coaches, I never found the group that brought them both together. So when I got together with my partner, Steve Cavanaugh, last year, we said, how can we create an experience where we mastermind? And we also get the coaching component. So it's a hybrid mastermind and coaching group for entrepreneurs. We have two groups of 15. So it's very small and intimate. We were talking about this offline.

Alex Pardo (15:08): It's not a group where there's hundreds of people and you, you kind of get lost in the shuffle. And not to say that there's anything wrong with that. There's some really valuable groups. We're a part of one that's pretty big and it's awesome, but we want it to go on a little bit of a different direction. We want the right people in there and you know, and so yeah, we, you know, every four months we get together in South Florida and we mastermind in a small intimate setting. It's an experience. We have a lot of fun while we're doing it. And then there's monthly one on one coaching. And then we get together as a group on Zoom. And we mastermind on Zoom. And ever since COVID hit we've been doing that on a weekly basis. So the level of accountability, the level of just transparency that's in the group is amazing.

Chris Miles (15:46): That's awesome, man! And like you said, when you're talking about business owners or you're specifically saying those that are going in the business of real estate, right?

Alex Pardo (15:53): No, no, by the way, thank you. Because I didn't, I didn't clarify that. No! This group is for entrepreneurs. Now having said that because of the content I produced to the podcast, because I've been in real estate, I'd probably say 80%, 75%, 80% of our members are in real estate, but we do have some members that have different businesses. We didn't want it to just be a group about real estate. And I think the other thing that, that makes it unique, Chris, is that we don't just talk business, but we actually start with the life component. At the foundation of what we do is, what's the vision for your life? And then let's help you either tweak, modify and or create a business that supports that lifestyle. So at our mastermind retreat, sometimes we're talking about, you know, Hey, my business, I need to generate more revenue and we're talking about marketing. And then juxtapose that we, you know, we had a situation in our group where somebody is dealing with an addiction. And so we, we really dove into that. So it covers life and business because my belief is that they're connected and one impacts the other. It has a ripple effect. Pun intended on each other. So...

Chris Miles (16:57): That's right. Well, awesome! If people want to find out more information about that, how would they go about doing so?

Alex Pardo (17:03): Yeah, it's super simple. AscendYourSuccess.com AscendYourSuccess.com Short five, six minute video on there. And then it's just an application process. And it's really just a conversation to see, you know, if it's a fit, answer questions and us to find out more about you. So it's a pretty simple process.

Chris Miles (17:20): That's great. Yes. There we go. You'll check that out, man. We'll put that link in the show notes for you guys to, just to go look at or check it out, you know, apply if you want to apply. Obviously I can vouch for Alex. Alex is amazing, man. Like, he's both on and off camera, so to speak, right. You know, or off the mic. He's a great guy. So definitely check that out and also check out his podcast. You wanna get to know him more through there. Check out FLIPEMPIRE as well. So anyways, Alex, appreciate you being on today.

Alex Pardo (17:49): No! Again, I really thank you for having me on. Again, it's for me, it's friendship. I'm grateful for the relationship. I know we have a mutual friend in Armando. And so anything you ever need, brother, I am here for you and same applies to anybody listening to this. If I can answer any questions or if you just want to connect again, I love building relationships. And if I can add value in any way, you know, feel free to reach out [email protected].

Chris Miles (18:14): Awesome! Appreciate it, Alex, man. Everybody else you've heard it like reach out to Alex, check out his stuff. It's good stuff there, but right now is the best time, more than ever to stay connected. If I would have learned anything from the last recession that I went through, I thought I had to suffer alone. And that was not the case guys. Like if, if I would have learned quickly that it was actually reaching out to people and associated with people and looking for help, I would have not have suffered through the recession as much as I had. So guys, I recommend you. Don't fall in that same trap that I did as well, that you learn from our mistakes and from our successes too. So everybody, I'll be making a wonderful prosperous week. We'll see you later.

#Chris Miles #Anti-financial Advisor #Cash flow #Cash flow Expert #Debts #Entrepreneur #Financial Freedom #Money Ripples

[iamcinema]

So, this is going to be a weird (sort of serious) post that I'm hoping might start a conversation, assuming this reaches anyone.

This is mostly for any fellow artists out there, but anyone can chime in I suppose. It's a topic that I'm sure will cause a lot of people to roll their eyes and will possibly spark a flame war, but I like hearing what others think about this sort of thing. I should also preface that I was figuring out how to write this for over an hour at 2am, so this might sound like incoherent, long winded word vomit - but hear me out.

____________

I want to say I talked about this before on other platforms, but after seeing @nyxfears ' review of It: Chapter 2, it resonated with me a lot, and it has me thinking a lot about the stuff I've been working on over the past few years that I've felt a bit weird about sharing to say the least. If you haven't seen her video, I highly recommend it because you can get a greater idea for why this means as much to me as it does and it's just an overall fantastic commentary about trauma as a whole.

Like many artists, aspects about my life will find a way to creep into my work, unintentionally or not; such as themes surrounding religion, mental health, and LGBTQ issues. Hell, some of my projects outright tackle these things without sugarcoating it with metaphors and subtext because it's splayed out there in the open. Because of that, these projects in particular have been some of the most challenging to write because they hit a little too close to home and I'm invested in them in more ways than one. It can be hard to separate myself from the story and I recall being deeply upset on at least one occasion while working on one of them, because some of the scenes required me having to place myself in the shoes of the aggressor to understand and rationalize their mentality - even if it means justifying some truly horrific shit.

With that being said, it goes into why I wanted to talk about this and something May brought up when discussing the film, and the subplot revolving around the topic of how homophobia is tackled as the exploitation, pain, and suffering of gay people (which she coined as "gay punishment") being a cheap shot that can come off a very targeted - if that makes sense. It can feel and be an extra shade of dirty given that it's someone's story being told by someone who doesn't know what hat life is like, just like straight people being able to see a hate crime on-screen and feel safe knowing they'll never have to experience that for themselves. That's not to say serious topics can't be addressed, but there's a line where it can feel these topics and matters are only used for shock factor and that's about it, which is just painfully sad.

Now, what has me feeling the way that I do is how to be that artist on the other side of the fence who wants to tackle these issues that are a regular part of your life. How does one tackle the unfiltered ugliness, pain, and horror of these things that relate to your narrative without looking like "that person", but also not feel like you have to defend your artistic integrity because it means having to stick up for your own existence or suggested that you need to tell a story a set way because you're an "ambassador" for that community.

Without giving too many spoilers about a script I've been struggling to finish for a few years, an example I can think of is a revenge-thriller that tackles bigotry and how religion can be used as a tool that both empowers others and can be used as a death machine that abuses, manipulates, and exploits others. I told someone about this concept who comes from a similar background I do and what prompted this, which they said was pretty damn powerful and the political climate we're in now only sends that message home even harder.

I think I've said before that I'm a fairly cynical artist for the most part, and a lot of the stuff I've done can be seen as flat out mean-spirited because of how utterly hopeless and defeating things are for our main characters that we're rooting for. There's rarely any happy endings, your choices ultimately lead to worse ones, and sometimes the antagonist in your life will get away with whatever grave injustice they committed. You might have gotten away from the ultimate evil, but your friends are still dead and you're not going to be the same person after this ever again. We don't want to think about it, but that's just how shit plays out sometimes.

In a pessimistic way, you can do everything right and be the best version of yourself, and life will still come ruin your shit and kick you while you're down. Everyone wants a happy ending, but we don't always get that. Not everyone has that luxury, and it sucks. I know that can be jarring for some people and it can come off as needlessly whiny, edgy, and angry, but that's just been my process. Honestly, I can't think of a single thing I've written in the past 15 years that didn't, in some way, have an underlying theme of trauma in some way. Again, that probably says a ton more about me and my own baggage than anything else. But, I digress.

Anyway, where was I going with this?

The general point I was getting at was how do we as artists go about facing serious subject matters in our mediums, especially if these are things that we relate to directly or are part of us as people and not just content creators. How do we give ourselves the space and freedom to explore these heavy topics without being seen as othering, doing it for shock value, or feeling like you have to do something safe for work and squeaky clean to cater to the masses like a cheesy after school special? How do we separate or divorce ourselves from said people who try to tell our stories in that kind of way? Should we even bother? Do we just say fuck it and do it regardless?

-------------

I hope this made sense some how and that maybe it can open a discussion like I said. If you're an artist whose work focuses on issues that personally affect you, how do you feel about this and other mediums (be it film, television, or books) that try to discuss said matters by those who don't live that narrative?

Thanks for taking the time to read this, my darling freaks and creeps. I'll catch you all later.

#not horror #sort of #writing problems #writer problems #horror

[nyelung]

How to write asexual characters

Ok, first of, this will include at least some personal experience because I am an ace and I live with a fellow ace in a non-sexual partnership.

Some general words: Being ace does not define us and neither should it define the character you are writing. It's just a part of our life and, unless I come into contact with annoying people it defines my life about as much as the choice of my clothes or the cut of my hair. Meaning: I barely think about it most of the time unless being ace or something sexual is the topic of the current talk or thing I read or the media I consume.

Asexualtiy includes a whole big spectrum so there's lots of free space to form your character. I guess most prevalent is the picture of the sex repulsed, "irgh, make it go away" kind of ace. There's a lot of others, too. Some are sex repulsed and the bare thought of sex makes them ill. Some are sex repulsed but have no trouble thinking about others having sex or consuming porn. Some just don't want to have sex with other people but do have a libido and therefore tend to masturbate. Some are ace but have sex with other people because they got an allosexual (that means a person who is "default" sexwise) partner or are curious or want the connection but do not much care about sex otherwise. Some only have sex with people they are also romantically interested in (careful, though, sometimes these people label themselves as ace, sometimes they label themselves as demi, sometimes as something different. it's a personal preference and should be respected).

What I mean to say by this is: you can go very, very wild. I'd say the most common denominator for ace people is that we don't experience the same sexual attraction that allo people experience. For me it's the "looking at someone and wanting sex with them" for example. I still think it's something of a myth but apparently it actually happens. Others do get some sexual attraction but rarely if ever only sexual attraction like "I'd bang him/her/them but that's everything about him/her/them that I'm interested in".

Other example: Most sex scenes in movies turn me off really, really bad so that I often skip the scene or drop the movie altogether.

So, how to depict an ace person in literature?

Just as you would when writing a PoC character or a trans character or a gay character: let us have more of a personality than that one trait of being PoC/trans/gay/ace. Let your ace character have hobbies, likes and dislikes, a job, children, pets, a certain flair of clothes or home decoration, favourite games and movies and books. Let your ace character have allergies, talents, interests and so on.

Yes, being ace and wanting a child is not mutually exclusive.

Yes, an ace can be mentally ill and there might be a causal relation for your ace but it doesn't have to be. An ace does not need to be traumatized or "broken" to be ace. We just are.

- Short addendum to that: There are aces who have had bad experiences with sex mostly because they thought they had to like it. So, especially as an allo writer you might want to keep this in mind but not necessarily write it out because a) it's rarely important to the story and b) it's very easy to slip into the broken and traumatized stereotype. -

Yes, an ace can be nonbinary as well as be an ace. An ace can also happily identify as every other gender. Though I'd guess it's easier for StraightTM people to read if you don't make it too complicated.

Apart from that, your ace character will have lived through ace experiences and they are a part of what makes your ace character ace. They just shouldn't be their only defining characteristic. There is, however, NOT a universal ace experience since we come from different cultures, backgrounds, are different persons and live on a wide spectrum. Just like there is not a universal PoC experience etc.

I think a common experience and so far have not met an ace person who didn't have this experience is the "oh"-moment. That moment when funnily enough it all falls into place and you go "oh." and then go "I think I'm ace". (Though there are also questioning people and that's fine and sometimes the "oh" is more of an "huh, I guess?")

That oh-Moment can happen in a multitude of ways but usually the internet or friends helped along. You read something about what being ace feels like and realize that that's your experience. Or you talk to a friend who is ace and explains it and you go silent and are "oh."

Some aces figure it out very early, some very late. Some figure it out on their own and lack the language to give words to their experience, others come into contact with the community early.

Another experience that is quite common as an ace and a sad one is the feeling of being broken or wrong or faulty. The society most of us or maybe even all of us live in is very focussed on finding a partner and then procreating with said partner and so on. Not every ace grew up in the nuclear family model but as far as I know it's usually expected for people to find a partner and settle down and have kids. Many aces know that those expectations are placed on them and feel broken or wrong or faulty because they can't fill those expectations in the way they are "supposed" to be filled.

A lot of aces also live in a closet in the way other queer people often do. Aces who come out of the closet often face similar or sometimes verbatim the same alienation other queer people do. There's people telling us we're sick. There's people who say we just haven't met the right one yet. There's people who are really intrusive and ask about "but have you tried this and that yet" or "but have you gone to the doctor yet?" There's the relatives that go all "but don't you want to have children? but if you adopt they won't be your own". There's a general not-understanding from allos and so on.

But there's also people who are genuinely interested and then you suddenly want to explain how life feels for you but how do you find the words for something that is so different? When I talk to allos, I often realize that I look at the world in a completely different way. I'm not even sure how to properly put it into words. One part of it is probably the looking at people and ... not experiencing any urge to fuck any of them? Let's just say that the game of "fuck, marry, kill" usually ended with three kills on my part. Like, imagine the most sexy person you can come up with? I don't know. Imagine them naked in your bed or wherever. Imagine them also being a great person overall. I'd ask them to put on clothes. I'm more interested in a bag of chips or a really great pizza or cuddling with the kitties than in having sex with that person.

Aces in an ace community are just like gays in a gay community and so on. We share similar experiences and can relate to each other in a way. We are also not all friends and have differing opinions.

Not every ace person is a saint (and being ace and having no sex is different than being abstinent for example because one is just personal preference while the other is a not doing of something one would like to do). We are also not sinners or freaks. We are just people and people come in every way.

Being ace doesn't necessarily mean being a) a virgin b) innocent or c) childish. So if you write an adult ace character, please write them as mature as you would write an adult allo character. Me being childish, for example, has nothing to do with my sexuality and much more to do with a fuck you to a society that thinks I should not enjoy certain things because I'm an adult and then indulging myself with writing fairytales and watching cartoons.

Ace people don't speak different from allo people. About the only different thing in our speech is an abundance of jokes about being ace, for example "I'm too ace for this shit" wrt bullshit romance-sex plots, "I ACED that test" and so on. I know a lot of people who love really, really stupid puns on being ace but that might just be my friend bubble and less a general thing. (So that one guide about how ace people do not use "sexual" swear words? er.... everyone says fuck. really. and some aces, like me, can get really creative in swearing and sexual stuff happens to come with that, too.)

Though aces often feel broken or faulty, as an author you should not, really should not, depict us that way. So, before there's misunderstandings. In writing you got the character voice and the author voice. So even though the character may think of themselves as broken, you as the author should use a different phrasing and words and so on, to show that it's only the character's point of view and not your own. Yes, I know, that requires a reader to have critical thinking and the current purity cultists do seem to have trouble actually thinking properly but that's not all people.

Asexuality is not something that needs to be cured. We aren't sick. If a person is happy with being an ace, then, really, you shouldn't force them to be sexually active. Same goes for your character. There are aces who want to have sex and get medical help to experience some libido and that's okay but it should come from the person/character and not from their surroundings. As an author, think about the message you're sending when you establish a character as ace and then "cure" them of their aceness and also let them have a "happy ending" with their one true love and live sexually happily fulfilled. It happens for people but for a lot of us this hypothetical plotline goes straight back into the thing of "you just haven't met the right one yet". So maybe, if you write an ace and I'd love to see more aces in literature, do it differently. Let the ace realize that their current surroundings are not exactly ideal and have them either change the way their surroundings think or change surroundings altogether.  Have the other people change themselves. Just do not make the ace's character arc about becoming sexually available to the true love or similar shit. If you do, you better write it very, very well because otherwise it would just erase our identity in the same way psychological guidelines still classify being ace as a sickness and not a valid identity.

Aces are not immune to sirens. We like to joke about that but sirens sing about what you desire most and not about having sex with you, so if there's sirens offering me unlimited, high-speed internet, I'd jump ship so fast, Odysseuss wouldn't have time to facepalm.

From what I experienced, aces like to flock together. It's just very relaxing to not worry about "does [other person] interpret this thing as wanting to be sexual?". With ace friends it's very easy to slip into a "I do not and will never want to have sex with you but a bit of cuddling and a massage would be fun". Also, fellow aces get stupid ace puns faster. And with fellow aces it's easier to shit on unnecessary romance-subplots and wonder why the fuck everyone thinks about being fucked by this or that actor even though they are aesthetically pleasing.

Oh, maybe it's an ace thing, maybe it's just a socially awkward thing, maybe a combination, but during my time in school, there was a phase where all the girls would find one or the other young teacher attractive. I never got that. Neither did other aces I know.

I think, that's about all I can think of for now? Basically, if you write ace characters, write them just like other characters in a way that allows every character to have their own experiences and voice. And, you know, we got a community, so you can always ask us. There's blogs dedicated to being ace, to our experiences and voices and also to our jokes.

#writing #reference #asexuality #long post

[rhabakoli]

Infinite White - 2

I don’t have any control, and @cgn-99​ asked... well, I do not live to please, but it’s pretty close. 

@dreamwritesimagines​ @i-am-always-famished​ @marauderskeeper​ @superwolfchild-fan​ @thescarsweleave​ @cgn-99​ @alicedopey​ @anxietysucks​ @kitsch-i-might-be​

The week went by, finals creeped closer, Fenja and her roommate never saw each other anymore, one being always in the library (Fenja) and the other one (Maeve) always on the track or the gym. That’s why at lunch on Wednesday, the only day of the week where they had lunch break at the same time, they had to eat and catch up at the same time. Which, to be honest, they did not manage. “How’s your boyfriend?” “He’s fine. Buried somewhere under his books and his dog and his scripts.” Maeve shoved a piece of steak into her mouth, rolling with her eyes when her taste buds exploded. “How do they make this so good, I don’t understand?” Someone had to give Fenja a medal for understanding her even with cheeks like a chipmunk.

“There are actually faeries working in the kitchen, that’s why everything tastes so good.”, she remarked, stabbing her own food with vigour.

Maeve swallowed, taking a sip of her water and pointed her fork at her friend. “How’s your essay going? Deadline was yesterday, wasn’t it?” Fenja nodded. “I had some slight difficulties with the conclusion, that made me want to just burn it, but I got help. I hope Finehair is satisfied, I’d die if I disappointed him.” Maeve chuckled. “Isn’t it funny that no one ever calls him by his real name? Even the other professors call him Finehair.” “Come on, look at it. It’s beautiful.” Fenja grinned. “And no one can pronounce his last name without butchering it or biting off their tongue. It’s a service to him, if anything.” “I have to agree.”, a male voice came from next to them, made the roomies look up wide eyed. “Professor.”, Fenja pressed out, terrified that he heard her. Maeve looked like she had swallowed her tongue, eyes bulging and face red. Harald “Finehair” Halfdanarson stood at their table, thermos under his arm and papers in his hand. His hair was in his typical braid, that made half the long-haired population of their school turn green with envy. They wanted to break into his bathroom and take a look at his hair care regime. “I saw you, and wanted to congratulate you on your essay, it was brilliant, Ms. Mueller.” “Oh, thank you, Sir.” “I am off in a minute, I have a meeting, but I’d like to submit it to the YWA. If that is something you’d be interested in.” Maeve squeaked and grabbed her friends hand over the table, immediately answering for her. “Of course she is! She’d be stupid, if she didn’t!” Fenja just agreed silently, still staring at her professor in stunned silence. The man laughed at her enthusiasm and did a little bow. “I’ll make sure they get it, then. Have a nice day, ladies.” He tipped his imaginary hat and wandered off, leaving the two of them in tense, excited silence. That is, until Fenja found her voice and breathed: “What. The. Fuck.” Maeve started giggling manically, her food forgotten for once. “The freaking Young Writers Association, freaking hell, Fenja!” “What the fuck.” “I know!” Maeve got up, came around the table and latched onto her roommates shoulders, giddy and basically vibrating from joy. “The last person from our school to have their writing submitted was one of the Ragnarssons, wasn’t it?” Fenja nodded, absent-mindedly correcting her: “Actually, it was Gala. She was also the first woman to get awarded by them and have her articles in their publications.” “You’re gonna get into the Hall of Fame, darling! I can feel it.” “I think I’ll be sick.”

The Young Writers Association was an organisation oriented to support young talents, help them establish themselves in the writer’s world. They collaborated with legal firms specialized on publishing, publishing houses both internationally renowned and small local ones, and they were always striving for fair and transparent relations between providers and talents. Tons of people submitted their works, craving for the YWA to judge their words, and to actually get through to an editor- It was a big stepping stone, and to have a Professor’s opinion definitely carried a bit of an extra weight, made them look a bit closer and be harsher in their judgement. Fenja was out of it for the rest of the day, even though she tried to get on with her study plan. But her brain continued to pull out doubts and questionable comments and insecurities, which, frankly, she did not need right now. With a frustrated grunt, she shoved her pens and books away and let her head fall onto the desk, forehead colliding with the wood, making her regret that particular move on the spot. “Ouch.”, she murmured, rubbing at it. Her phone chimed, and then again, and again, and again. She pressed her thumb against the sensor, unlocking it successfully. Then, not taking her head from the wood, she read the emails she got. “Spam, Spam, Finehair,- Linguae Populi?” She halted, burrowing through her brain, but she didn’t associate anything with that name. “What the heck is that?” After opening the mail, she groaned again. “That freaking baboon.”

Dear Ms. Mueller,

My brother told me you’d like to help us with developing and testing our Translator. I want to thank you for your time and efforts, firstly. Secondly, I’d like to meet up, to explain our work ethic and to hash out the details of your work with us. If my brother is to believe, you’re fluent in German, which - coincidentally - is one of the languages we haven’t yet managed to translate at all.

I’d be delighted to hear back from you.

Ingrid Ivarsdottir Chief of Development Linguae Populi

“Well, fuck me.” That looked way professional. Poor Ingrid, being burdened with such a challenged truffle pig of a brother. She decided to write her back, to not let her wait too long and maybe get her hopes up. She decidedly did not have the time to do this. Definitely not. And if Ragnar had listened, he’d known as well. Afterward, she opened the email from her professor, sitting up rapidly as she read the single sentence he’d sent.

just informing you that i submitted your essay, I wish you luck

Oh noooooo. She’d die of nervous gastric problems. Her forehead thumped against the wooden surface once more, making her wince. That hurt.

After a couple of minutes wallowing in her self doubt and nervousness, and bouncing knees, she decided to do something productive with her energy and go for a run. Bad idea. Big mistake. Even a bigger mistake than letting Finehair submit her essay. Her lungs were probably cussing at her, her heart was threatening to break through her chest and strangle her with her own arteries and veins, her legs burned as well as her windpipe. “Fuck. Nah. Never again.” The schools ‘Athletic Campus’ was situated behind the administrative building, bracketed in by dorm buildings left and right. It held a huge American Football field, one for soccer/lacrosse, and around both were of them tracks, which were just enough to house both the track team and Fenja as well as a couple of fellow masochistic psychopaths. The soccer field was empty, so she decided to crawl there and die in the green grass. Her shirt camouflaged into it, maybe they’d let her rot here. Her breath was rattling in her lungs, she could feel her rapid pulse in her fingertips and she was 99.9% sure her legs would not carry her back to the dorms. “Are you dead yet? Do I get to live in a single room?” “Geh sterben.” “I may not know what that meant, but I do know it was not nice.” Maeve bent over her roomie, hands on her knees and broad grin on her face. “I saw you running. You never run.” “Yes, and I just now remembered why.” Fenja struggled to get up, so Maeve grabbed her hands and pulled her into a sitting position. “It’s awful.” “No, it’s not.” “Yeah it is. You, my dearest honeyboo, you are just crazy.” Maeve shrugged. “Might be, but you’ll regret not training with me when zombies are after us and try to eat our nutritious, healthy brains.” With that, she made her way back to her team, waving at her friend as she jogged over. Backwards. Such a bragging bugger. Fenja sat there for a while, watching her friend and the team do their drills, and let the sun shine on her back. It was really nice today, blue sky, fresh air, a small breeze. Her thoughts drifted, thinking about her plans for the coming week, whether she’d be able to visit her grandparents and when she’d have to do the final reviews before her exams. Thus, she did not hear the soccer team walk out, the guys playing and fucking around. And, who would guess, of course one of them sent a ball flying, right towards her unsuspecting figure.

**

Part 3

#Infinite White #IW #Faint Of Heart AU #FOH #vikings #next generation #a modern AU #school/university #Ivars kids #let me tell you #ball to the face hurts af

[homesteadchronicles]

Ten Songs Tag

Tagged by my fellow muso, @lady-redshield-writes! Thank you so much for the tag, my friend! I am always up for discussing music. Plus, your answers were super insightful, and I found some new music to jam out to!

Any of my fellow musicians, instrumentalists, vocalists, or appreciator of the arts are hereby tagged, if they find themselves so inclined to participate!

RULES: Post ten songs you are currently obsessed with and explain what caused or created this obsession!

1. “New Rules” - Dua Lipa I’ve been obsessed with this song since I first heard it on my family vacation to Walt Disney World this past December and I still listen to it consistently. Dua Lipa’s voice could only be called angelic, with a falsetto rivaling that of Allen Stone - and from a female, such a feat is almost unheard of. It’s rare to find a song on the radio that actually rejects sleeping around with the wrong person and instead solidifying healthier habits, denying toxic lifestyles and emphasizing the importance of oneself instead. Way to go, Dua Lipa!

2. “In Shallow Seas We Sail” - Emery Emery holds a special place in my heart as a band that can encapsulate the angst plaguing young adults. Most artists resonate with middle/high schoolers, but Emery speaks to me more now as an adult than they would have when I was younger. Plus, that voice? Gorgeous. This specific song has so many layers to get lost within. To me, it truly portrays that feeling of drowning in the midst of waves.

3. “Isn’t He (This Jesus)” - Natalie Grant This song really grew on me. I’ve always loved Natalie Grant, but this didn’t click with me at first. My mom sent me a link to this, overly excited to see that she had released new music after the surgery on her throat. Thankfully, she didn’t pull a Julie Andrews and came out all the stronger because of it. At first, I thought the song was decent, but it never hit home with me. Even still, I kept putting it on repeat while I wrote and I soon found myself worshipping in the midst of writing sessions instead. There’s something so...pure about this song. It’s raw, it’s honest, it’s simple. It doesn’t feel the need to be flashy, which I admire.

4. “Skyfall” - Our Last Night (OPB. Adele) I thought I liked Skyfall when it first came out - and then I heard this rendition. HOO BOY, was I in for a surprise! One of my friends, who apparently knows OLN, has been telling me to listen to them forever now and I never did. I turned this on while out on a walk and jammed to their music the rest of the night home. If you like pop-punk covers of already-phenomenal music, you might need to give this a listen...and then to their “Shape of You” cover, too.

5. “Party Tattoos” - Dodie This song goes against everything I normally listen to and I still am unsure why I like it so much. My friend included it in their character playlist and I just kept it on loop for days. It’s this wonderfully peppy, easygoing song with a slightly morbid undertone to its meaning. Maybe the mystery intrigues me so much? If you’re into indie music, give it a listen.

6. “Let the Flames Begin (Live)” - Paramore Paramore formed one part of my musical holy trinity throughout my childhood (along with Fall Out Boy and Panic at the Disco), and even though I no longer connect to their newer music, they still hold a special place in my heart. I’m not normally a fan of live performances, beyond worship songs, but this specific song adds SO much more live than it does in the studio. Williams adds an extended outtro, starting with an epic instrumental solo, and then ending with a bang. That bang? A special song snippet named “Oh Father”. I belt it out every time without question or hesitation. This may or may not be a Kingdom Come character’s theme...for a future book. 

7. “Nighttime Hunger” - Overcoats Believe it or not, @khymnal showed me this song and I cannot get it out of my head. The Overcoats have the most seamless, unified harmonies I may have ever heard. They blend together so effortlessly. Their voices are almost like sirens...the mermaid kind, not the police kind. I think a lot of people can relate to temptation lurking in the longer night comes, and this makes it both eerie and gorgeous instead of disturbing. And let’s be honest - isn’t temptation as enticing as it is unsettling? They captured the feeling perfectly.

8. “Birth of a Wish (Become as Gods)” - NieR: Automata I needed to include an instrumental game song on this list, and what better than what I play on repeat whenever I write a battle sequence for Kingdom Come? This idea that men want to become deities ties in perfectly with the themes of KC, and especially its central characters. The epicness of this music, and the way it makes me want to wield a sword and slay a dragon and save a princess in space all at once, only enhances its amazingness.

9. “Never Enough” - The Greatest Showman If you haven’t seen this movie yet, I don’t know what you’re doing with your life. I cannot tell you how emotional I got as soon as this song came on the first time. I still listen to it all of the time, and am dying to hear my mom sing it (side-note: my mom is a ridiculously talented singer and she will never admit it). The power of the lyrics matches the power in her voice and it combines to form the most dynamic musical number I’ve ever heard in a theatrical film - and the best part? They didn’t even need choreography to enhance it.

10. “Where’s My Love (Alternate Version)” - SYML Did anyone else fall in love with this song during the Figure Skating portion of the Winter Olympics? As soon as I heard this, I downloaded the song. It’s this haunting melody accompanied by a gorgeous piano player and it just works. Listen to it if you feel like you want to cry about a lost lover you probably never actually knew.

Bonus: “Hang It Up (Abacus & Vargas ‘Predator’ Remix)” - The Ting Tings So, I only heard this after I’d already written up this post...but it’s the best. I freaking love this style, the likes of which I have only heard rivaled by the Shiny Toy Guns. My best friend and I listen to it every week while we prepare for our Monster of the Week podcast recording session and it fires us up every time.

#tag #tagged #tag game #song #music #adele #paramore #nier #nier automata #the greatest showman #dua lipa #emery #our last night #overcoats #syml #the ting tings #dodie

[charliejrogers]

Paddington (2014)

Sometimes you watch a movie and want to be challenged. You want your head to explode. You want to get lost in a world of plot twists and double-crosses. Other times you don’t. TV more often than movies fills the role of comfort food for people looking for passive media, but let’s all take a moment to recognize the power of a good comfort movie. Sometimes your comfort movie is that dumb rom-com you’ve seen 1000 times, other times a mindless action movie of good vs. evil. Many comic book movies certainly can fall into this camp, but really any series like Harry Potter or Lord of the Rings can become comfort food whenever those fans begin to think of the characters more like old friends than avatars on a screen. And never is that more true than when a childhood friends makes their way onto the big screen.

I don’t believe I have ever read (or has someone read to me) a Paddington book. In fact, after writing that sentence I had to Google whether Paddington was a series or a single book. I’m not from the U.K. so please excuse my ignorance. It’s not that people in America don’t know Paddington he’s just not as popular here as he is across the pond. Therefore when this hit theater six years ago and I heard critics rave about it, I didn’t get it. Christ, it was even nominated for the best British film at the BAFTAs in 2015. There was Paddington, a family movie about a walking, talking bear, right next a serious drama about Stephen Hawking (The Theory of Everything) and the very adult ScarJo sci-fi film Under the Skin. Plus, think also I was at an age where I was “too cool” for kid’s stuff. I was in college, so why watch a movie that could make you happy when you could watch something that could project to others how smart you thought you were. All of this is to say that, I went into this movie without the advantage of nostalgia, something I suspected might have been boosting audiences’ and critics’ scores.

Paddington from director Paul King tells the story of one unnamed Peruvian bear who is among the last of his kind. What makes this particular species of bear so special is their uniquely high intelligence. The film starts with a black-and-white film reel documenting the journeys of the explorer who was the first among men to stumble upon this particular subset of bear, sometimes back in the early 1900s. The explorer first instinct is to hunt and kill the bear to bring back to a British museum, but he is eventually won over by the sheer intelligence of the bears. They are already master builders and have developed unique, modern-looking housing structures when the explorer first finds them, but quickly he discovers they can understand English,  can even reproduce it to some extent, and are adept at new technologies. The explorer leaves them with a phonograph and a record of him talking about how to be a proper gentleperson in London.

Fast forward some hundred years, and the original two bears the explorer essentially perfected their understanding of English based off the explorer’s record. They also know quite a bit about early 20th-century etiquette and about a hundred different ways to tell fellow Londoners that it is raining outside. And though now aged and frail, they have passed much of this knowledge onto their young nephew whose character can be summed up by the following four traits: 1) undying love for his aunt and uncle who raise him 2) utmost and strict adherence to etiquette 3) deep desire to belong to a home 4) obsession with marmelaide.

All four of those things turn out to be of vital importance when disaster strikes his home in Peru and he is forced by his aunt to seek a new home in the only other place they know: London! With only his uncle’s hat and a marmelaide sandwich on his head, the bear stows away on a freighter to London. He heads to the nearest train station as he has heard stories about how during WWI, orphaned children would show up to train stations wearing certain necklaces to signify their need for a home. The bear does just that, but the world of 1914 is very much different from the world of 2014. People don’t so much as look at the bear. If they do, they assume he’s a poor beggar, vendor of cheap goods, or just a plain con-artist. They’re too busy rushing this way and that. “In the age of technology, Britain has lost its way” the film seems to suggest. Or, more cynically, it seems to make a comment (albeit) on xenophobia and Britain’s lack of openness to immigrants, especially prominent given the distinctly colonial feel of the explorer’s documentary and his attitudes towards these “primitive” creatures.

Except, of course, this is a light-hearted family film. A fantasy film at that. For example, no one is freaked the fuck out like they would in real life by a talking bear roaming around a major metropolitan area, in some cases doing serios damage (albeit accidentally) to various property throughout town. E.T. this is not, so there’s no plotline of the government trying to snatch him up for research purposes, nor does this apparently talk place in our reality where the bear would become an instant viral internet star.

Instead, as a family film, the movie mostly focuses on the idea of “family.” The bear is eventually approached by Mary Brown (Sally Hawkins), the matriarch of the Brown family who are a well-off family who live in a cozy townhouse in a quaint London neighborhood. Mary is more empathetic to the bear’s plight than her ill-tempered husband Henry (Hugh Bonneville) who is a risk analyst who sees the bear for what he is: a risk! Still, he begrudgingly agrees to let the bear, who names himself Paddington, stay with them for one night, but then he’s off to the orphanage  institution for young souls whose parents have sadly passed on.

Mr. Brown’s not wrong about Paddington (voiced by Ben Whishaw) too. Despite his undeniably genuine nature and complete absence of my ill-will, he’s a natural klutz. His childlike innocence and curiosity finds him tinkering with things that just ought not to be tinkered leading to a movie defined by its many great misadventurous set pieces, such as when Paddington accidentally floods the Brown’s bathroom to when a pickpocket accidentally drops a wallet that he stole and Paddington begins chasing him around London in grand fashion, not understanding why the thief doesn’t want his wallet back.

More than anything, though, Mr. Brown’s hostility towards Paddington stems more from his concern for his children, specifically that his son Jonathan (Samuel Joslin) will end up being hurt either as a direct result of Paddington’s activities or will simply try more daring things inspired by Paddington’s free-wheeling and wild spirit.

What I love about the character of Mr. Brown, who truly seems to be the secondary character after the titular bear, is the way he is a true character and not a one-dimensional rule-follower. The way the film (comically) demonstrates that Henry Brown was not always Mr. Brown, but was a motorcycle-riding Wildman who was suddenly and permanently changed by fatherhood makes him an incredibly relatable character, and grounds this silly cartoon in something of a reality.

Less can be said about Mary Brown. Sally Hawkins does a wonderful job portraying her seemingly boundless kindness and love, but ultimately there’s not more to her character than just being nice and kind. Her only story arc revolves her relationship with the Browns’ daughter Judy (Madeleine Harris) who is a stereotypically moody teen who doesn’t want to introduce her boyfriend to her Mom because, as Paddington puts it, “she suffers from a terrible disease called embarrassment.”

But no one’s watching this movie to watch the Browns or learn about their characters. It’s nice that Mr.’s character is so well-established as it makes his little sacrifices and gestures to try to help Paddington so satisfying. One second he was pushing to get Paddington out of his home, the next he’s in a dress breaking into an archives to learn more about the explorer who originally visited Paddington’s aunt and uncle one hundred years prior.

This little detour to the archives relates to one of the two other sub-plots to the film. The first is how Paddington’s quest to find a new home (since Mr. Brown refuses to let him stay with his family forever) leads him to want to find the explorer (or at least the explorer’s family) since he figures they of all people would love to take in as family a bear whom their father had so loved. The second subplot (and the more hackneyed and boring plot) deals with Nicole Kidman’s Millicent, a deranged, taxidermist employee of London’s Natural History who has a nasty side hobby and collecting (and stuffing) rare animals. She hears rumors of a talking bear, she starts to hunt him. Kidman actually does a very good job leading a cartoonish seriousness to the role, but just the whole subplot feels very perfunctory, like the studio was afraid no one would want to watch a movie that didn’t have a clear bad guy. Add in a sub-plot to this sub-plot where the Browns’ sad-sack neighbor Mr. Curry (Peter Capaldi) teams up with Millicent in the hopes of being her lover, and you got my least favorite part of this movie.

Taking away the villain plot would deny the Browns the opportunity to rescue their little friend from the jaws of danger, and prevent me from seeing that tear-jerking display of love with which the film ends, so I suppose it’s worth it. With snow falling around them and love in the air, Paddington with its focus on the importance of family, is almost a Christmas movie, or at the least is a perfect movie for the holiday season.

It’s also funny for all ages. I can imagine sitting in a theater with children and hearing the little cackles of children as Paddington fights a shower head using a toilet seat lid as shield and toilet brush as sword. The film does not go for easy jokes. Its physical comedy is often elaborate, and there are plenty of jokes meant for the adults in the room that aren’t necessarily sexual in nature. For example, the Browns’ daughter is learning Chinese “for business,” which means she’s learning phrases such as “How do I get to the business center?” and “I’m being investigated for tax fraud.” But more than anything, it’s a distinctly British film in its humor, favoring throw-away lines and sight-gags over fart jokes. One of my favorites in the idea that Millicent’s office is full of taxidermied heads of exotic animals, and when she walks into her workshop on the other side of the wall, we see all the rear-ends of these same animals. Another pitch perfect moment is when a downtrodden Paddington finds himself at Buckingham Palace and having revealed the sandwich he keeps under his hat for emergencies, we find out what things the Queen’s Guard keeps under their Bearskins. It’s silly and ridiculous in a way perfect for a kid’s film.

I also love how the film gives us a view of the world through Paddington’s eyes, and I give much credit to the film’s director Paul King for translating for us through film Paddington’s essential innocence. Twice, once towards the beginning, and once at the end, the film presents us with a toy-house that is an exact replica of the Brown’s home and we can actually see the Browns walking about and interacting in this odd meta-moment as Paddington narrates their goings on and provides his interpretation of what is happening. It lends an air of frivolity to our lives. Yes, the world is sad an hard, but for those innocents, the children, it’s a world of wonder and curiosity, a dollhouse in which anything is possible.

In the end, this movie is damn near perfect comfort food. It’s family focus creates a heart-warming tale that helps tries to inspire us that, despite our splintered isolated world, the world can be a place of love and welcoming. I wish the villain weren’t such a drag, but I am happy to report that despite not having any contact with Mr. Paddington in my life previously, I fell in love with his character almost instantly and am very happy to count him among my cinematic friends and follow him on any of his next adventures.

*** 1/4 (Three and one fourth stars out of four)

#paddington #paddington (2014) #paul king #ben whishaw #sally hawkins #hugh bonneville #nicole kidman #peter capaldi

[keiynantrieshisbest-blog]

My First Post

The reason I created this little ole blog is because, after having a mental breakdown at a deserted bus stop, minutes after watching Love, Simon for the second time (which by the way, wonderful movie, please go support it in theaters), is because my gender is something I’ve been questioning for much of my life and seems to be all that’s on my mind lately. So let’s start with yesterday’s breakdown. Actually let’s go back to Friday when I watched Love, Simon for the first time. I’d gone with a couple friends, and I had been anticipating this movie for a very long time. Ordered the book, read the book and re-read the book all in anticipation. The movie was wonderful, everything I’d hoped for and so much more, completely exceeded my expectations. I cried. A LOT. By the end (won’t spoil it in case you haven’t seen the movie yet which why are you still reading this go watch the freaking movie it’s amazing) I was a mess, actually sobbing out loud, a mix between a laugh and a sob ripping itself from my chest over and over as my fellow movie goers clapped loudly and cheered (it was opening night after all so you get the most enthusiastic folks). Finally (Or rather unfortunately, because I wanted the movie and that moment to last forever) the credits rolled and the lights came on. I was a complete mess in every sense of the word, my best friend seemed a little shocked saying how I had actually been sobbing in the seat next to her. After the last names had passed and the screen had gone fully and truly dark (I had insisted on staying for the credits because 1. I wanted the moment to last as long as possible and 2. I try to always stay for credits out of respect for the people who spent so long making the movie) we left and got a lyft back to our dorms (I’m a freshman in college). The whole ride back I was riding a high from the movie, basking in that feeling and going over each moment in my head. As I was sitting there though I started to get an un-easy feeling as I wondered, “why, exactly, did this movie about two boys falling in love mean so much to me?” I kind of shrugged it off but I felt this sort of frenzied anxiety in the pit of my stomach the rest of the night. My best friend and I walked back to our building after saying goodbye to the other friends who’d gone with us. We went up to one of our guy friends’ rooms to chill with some of our other friends. I was telling him about how the movie was and how much I’d loved it. I told him that I didn’t think I’d ever see a better movie, that I’d peaked. He said of course not, that someday I’d watch a movie called Love, Jenny or something about two girls falling in love and that I’d love that movie even more (this may be a good time, if you haven’t already figured, to tell you that I was assigned female at birth and that my college friends know me as a bi, cis girl). I knew as soon as he said it that he was wrong, I wouldn’t love that movie more. Because for some unexplainable reason, despite being a bi “girl” I don’t relate to lesbians or stories about lesbians. I always was interested in stories about gay men and sought out those stories, got excited and animated about those stories, those people or characters. Take my book collection for example. I love to collect books and so far I have two queer romance stories (which is very sad, not a ton of gay fiction out there, either that or I’m terrible at finding it). Both these books are gay love stories about boys. And for the same reason I only own books about gay BOYS falling in love, is the same reason I was indescribably excited for Love, Simon not just because it’s the first real love story about gay youth I’ve ever seen but because it was a love story about two BOYS. Because it literally felt like the story was made for me in mind, that’s how much I related to Simon. Only I’m not Simon, I’m biologically female. Only I think I want to be like Simon. I’ve had this unexplainable longing to be a boy for probably as long as I can remember. Only I never once considered I might be trans until recently because my gender expression has always seemed to align fine with female. I’ve experience dysphoria before, but never to the extent described online. Don’t get me wrong, when I do get it it is all consuming and horrifically painful. But I never experienced it like this constant thing, dictating everything I did. I can remember one night in particular where I so badly felt that my genitals were wrong, that I was meant to have a penis and if I didn’t find a way to get one it might kill me. It was kind of like having a phantom limb, something that i just felt so badly was supposed to be there, and the thought that I never would have that tore me up. But that was one night and I don’t get these all encompassing thoughts on the regular. Another example would be how I once had a dream I had a penis, it was a pretty awesome dream and when I woke up and was faced with the entirely too real fact that I did not in fact have a penis and it’d only been a dream. I was upset by this. But again this happened once and it’s not something I experience regularly. I guess I felt (feel) as though since I’m not crippled day to day with horrible dysphoria, I couldn’t possibly be trans. Growing up I liked dresses and barbies and pink and anything girly. I had been the perfect little girl, not a sign of anything out of the ordinary. I never insisted I wasn’t a girl, I never refused to wear feminine clothing or participate in feminine activities. I had a favorite skirt that was layers of ruffled pink fabric with hearts covering every inch, i wore it often. I think it was maybe that I did enjoy these feminine things, have always enjoyed feminine things, and that maybe I didn’t see the issue of being stuck in the wrong gender because, as far as I was concerned, I was getting to play with the toys I wanted and dress how I wanted. I don’t think I understood what gender was, or at least I wasn’t confronted with it. Not until I grew older. Once puberty started to affect my body, that’s when I think I started to realize something was wrong. I remember how one of my sister’s friends pointed out my leg hair and told me I need to shave my legs. Because that was normal of girls. Until she pointed that out I hadn’t been concerned with my leg hair in the least. I just remember feeling a really deep sense of shame when she pointed that out and it wasn’t long after that, that I asked my mom to help me shave my legs for the first time. I began to shave quite religiously after that. There’s another instance I remember quite clearly in my mind that probably happened around the same time. I was with a friend in the cafeteria getting ice cream. She had commented that you could see my breasts through my shirt (my breasts had started to bud and were now noticeable through my shirt). Once again I was filled with a deep sense of shame and embarrassment. It seems that my gender wasn’t really something that concerned me until people started to point out that I wasn’t meeting the standards of “my” gender. I hit middle school, which yikes for anybody am I right? I started to gain weight, a lot of weight. Probably a way to cope. I started wearing big loose t-shirts and shorts constantly and I always wore my hair up in a bun. I felt perpetually uncomfortable like nothing about me was right and everything felt wrong. Looking back I think maybe I thought it was just the weight making me uncomfortable (not easy being overweight ever, especially in middle school) but now I think it was a lot more than that, that maybe I was dealing with some heavy dysphoria at the fact that my body was changing and not in the way I wanted it to. So I think I always knew something was up. Freshman year of high school I moved to a new country and I met a boy I very much liked. I decided I was gonna do whatever I could to make this boy like me. I started losing weight and wearing make up and doing all in my power to be this perfect girl. This is also when I started to become confronted with the fact that I was bi and liked girls. I was homophobic from the environment I’d grownup in and had a lot of internalized homophobia. I remember my best friend at the time talking about same sex couples. I’d declared that it was a sin and that I didn’t care what other people did but that I still thought it was wrong. She’d said she didn’t agree, that she thought love was love and people should marry whoever they loved. She sort of started me on the path of accepting myself. I started to explore my sexuality. My sister introduced me to tumblr and I made a blog, making lots of cringey posts about the animes I watched and the straight couple I hardcore shipped. Then I found the gay side of tumblr, endless fanart and fanfic about gay couples from shows I watched. I didn’t have the words or capability to understand why I felt so connected to these characters or why I felt so much reading these stories and looking at this art. For some reason I became all consumed with gay BOYS. I wondered if I was a pervert, someone who fetishized gay boys like I’d seen in so many posts. It became a point of discomfort I ignored rather than confront and continued to consume as much gay media and content about gay BOYS as possible, happily ignoring the nagging in the back of my head of why that might be. As I grew into a high schooler and moved again and started a new school, I’d finally seemed to come to terms with my sexuality. Or at least I knew I was bi, had even whispered it to myself alone in the dark bedroom that was supposed to be mine but I didn’t feel comfortable in yet. Now that the sexuality question was out of the way, my brain decided to tackle the next topic: my gender. I came across a post by someone I followed describing how they were genderfluid. I’d never heard the term before and as they described how they’d always felt like a boy in high school, about having this desperate want to be a boy, I thought oh! That’s just like me. Genderfluid became a term I would use to describe myself for the rest of high school and now into college. I decided that I liked being a girl, didn’t want to give that part of myself up. I decided I sometimes felt like a girl (because i enjoyed feminine things and connected with my feminine side), sometimes I felt like neither (coming from my desire for gender to not just exist at all “it’s just so stupid and meaningless” I often thought, “gender doesn’t even really exist so why should be care about it at all”) and sometimes feeling like a boy. I still have my doubts as I write what seems to be a coming out post to myself. And i guess to whoever’s reading this if anyone’s reading it. Doubts that maybe I am genderfluid because I can be content as a girl at times, have lived content as a girl. But see the thing is genderfluid felt like the bandaid I used to cover up my gender crisis. It kept everything from spilling out and for awhile I was satisfied with the label, really believed it. I’m currently in my second semester of my first year of college and lately I’ve been extremely anxious and unmotivated. And lately genderlfuid has felt wrong. So wrong. As I was explaining to my wonderful friends I met on this site so long ago who helped me come out to my sister as both bi and genderfluid, I didn’t feel like genderlfuid was right. Have really been feeling for awhile now that it isn’t right, that I never connected to it the way I was supposed to. It seemed that a label was supposed to click and just feel so perfectly right and genderfluid just didn’t. So I after watching Love, Simon the first time and having all these sorts of thoughts swirl through my head I decided to text one of these online friends whos boyfriend is a transguy. I asked her, “can I ask how [her boyfriend] knew he was trans?” She was wonderful and said of course and sent me his snapchat. He was at work though so I didn’t end up getting to talk to him. I think some part of me started to panic though because I was seriously starting to ask myself this because of how I’d felt on the ride home the night before. I ignored it and instead went and bought bus tokens and rode alone to the movie theater to watch Love, Simon again. Did i mention I was by myself?! A huge deal because I have really bad anxiety and never do anything alone like that. So I go and I sit smack dab in the middle of the theater in the perfect seat and can’t even bring myself to be ashamed of how shamelessly I took the middle seat when I’m all alone because I’m just bursting with excitement. And it was almost as wonderful as watching it the first time or at least it would have been if I hadn’t felt that same frenzied anxiety deep in the pit of my stomach. It was really strange and I couldn’t figure out why I was feeling this way. I still loved the movie and I cried quite a lot again. Particularly in all the parts with Simon and his family. I left the theater feeling a bit weird but happy because I love the movie. I rushed over to the bus stop because I mixed up the times and thought this other bus was the one I needed. I realized it wasn’t and that I was gonna have to wait a long time out in the cold. I was feeling kind of emotional from the movie so I pulled out my phone and started to record myself talking to kill the time. “Sometimes I wish I could live in a moment. A perfectly suspended moment. Where nothing is wrong and everything goes perfect. Everything is so dissatisfying that I wonder if I’ll ever find anything that feels remotely like it’s supposed to and I don’t know that I will.” Then I moved on starting to imagine how I’d come out to my other sister who I’ve yet to come out to. I won’t include that because it’s very personal but I started to get teary. I shut my phone off and went back to waiting for the bus. But suddenly I burst into tears. For no apparent reason and I couldn’t stop crying. I started to think some bad thoughts about killing myself, that nothing was worth it and I should just stop. My counselor and I had made a list of people I could call if I was thinking suicidal thoughts again. So i pulled my phone out and called my sister (the one I’m out to) because she’s on the top of my list. She picked up right away and I was still full on sobbing, tears running down my face and she could hear it immediately. I said I couldn’t stop crying and I didn’t know why. She thought something had happened I said nothing had happened, I just burst into tears and I couldn’t stop. We talked for a bit, I say talked but I mostly stuttered out words between sobs without making any sense to her or myself. I said I didn’t know why I was crying. I finally said i had to hang up so I could calm down before my bus got here because talking to her was only making me cry harder. Only even after hanging up and promising I was okay and I’d text her when I got back I still couldn’t stop sobbing. I told myself to stop, you’re fine you have to stop. I pulled it together long enough to climb on the bus and hopefully the driver didn’t notice I’d been crying, luckily no one was on the bus. I spent the thirty minute bus ride back to my dorm desperately trying to hold back tears and staring at myself at my reflection in the window across from me. My head was swirling with thoughts and I was so disoriented by it all I couldn’t figure out why I had seemed to just have a breakdown. I arrived back at my building and when I walked inside I was bombarded with my friends who were sitting in the lobby. They were all so cheerful saying hey! Where’ve you been. One of my friends coming up to give me a side hug and stand next to me. I could barely keep a smile on my face, I felt on the verge of crying again. I barely said anything and did my best to slip away heading for the elevators. My best friend (who’s also my roommate) jumped up from her seat and said she was going to come up with me. We rode the elevator to our room and she talked excitedly the whole way there, I did my best to respond but I felt so completely out of it. She ran off to the bathroom and I sat numbly at my desk, plugging my phone in as it was about to die and feeling tears well up in my eyes again. I wanted to call my sister but two of our other roommates were there and I knew I’d burst into tears the second I heard her voice. My best friend returned and she asked me if I was going to come down. I said I needed to call my sister and my voice was shaking in that crying way. She asked if I was okay. I said nothing happened but I needed to call my sister. She tired to come up with where I could go. I asked if she thought our friend who lives in a single would lend me his room. She asked him for me and guided me out of our room and to the elevators. He was already in there, he gave me a hug and we rode up to his floor. He handed me the keys to his room and they said to text them if I needed anything. Then they went back downstairs. My friends are good like that. I went to his room, he had on his purple light so the room was dark except for that. I plugged in my phone and climbed on his bed. I called my sister. We talked for awhile and I started crying again. We discussed why I might’ve cried. She said it’s an emotional movie for me so I was probably just feeling a lot of things from it. And that was definitely part of it but it was also more than that, and I knew that it was more than that. I told her in tears that I just wanted to be out. I said I didn’t know who I was. She didn’t understand, I didn’t understand. After I’d calmed down a bit I said I should go because I didn’t know what else to say. After we hung up I cried again. I cried and I cried and I cried. I listened to the Love, Simon soundtrack and I sat in the dark and cried for a very long time. I still feel a bit confused about it all but I think part of me realized I was realizing that I’m not genderfluid, that I might be trans. And that was a lot, and with that revelation the bandaid cracked and everything I’ve been feeling just kind of came pouring out. I think I knew that I didn’t just relate to Simon because he’s queer but because he’s a boy. And that freaked me out and it scared me. And my mind didn’t know what to do with that information. I spent the whole day today watching videos about trans guys and researching as much information as possible. And I made this blog, for some reason. I guess it’s a way to explore my identity and figure out if I really am trans. So if you got this far, thanks for listening. And talk to you soon.

Love, Keiynan

#transquestioning #personal

[urban-banshee]

Always be soft

I didn’t want to highjack someone else’s post since this is more of a tangent.

Movies and books seem to have this weird fear of showing the truth, or really highlighting real issues. Which seems so weird to me.

Tv shows eagerly date themselves by using a meme someone saw posted on Facebook but won’t update a mister burns type villain.

Millionaires don’t sit behind a desk, and cackle evilly as they drop people down a trapdoor, or sick trained dogs on them. The real type of mister burns, closes local factories and reopens them in countries that exploit child labor. He would donate to charity to make his PR look good, but gets to write that off his taxes, and maybe even get the money back because one of his other companies runs the charity.

We sanitize our stories so to not rock the boat.

Several years ago when I was about 17, I went to mormom girls camp. (I went every summer between age 12-17….yay) There were always a myriad of reasons I disliked going, one reason being the weird clique atmosphere.

If you ever watched a teen movie, with the popular girls in it, it was a little like that. My schools were never that way, but mormom girls? Yesh.

Basically all girls fell into one of three categories. The snobby girls, which was the largest group. They didn’t help with chores, were rude and somehow had a ridiculous amount of sway over the councilors. Next, the girls who could be in the clique if they wanted but were either too nice or oblivious to the tension to join them, they were the smallest group, last the losers. Basically girls who weren’t pretty, or were awkward, poor, or like me a combination of all those.

It caused tension and a rift obviously. There wasn’t much outright teasing, but if you were in the loser group you were often ignored and a few small fights did occur. The girls in the middle group were nice enough but like the camp counselors, usually believed any issues were with the loser girls not being active or assertive enough. (Or we weren’t being friendly enough)

One of the activities was for each cabin to write and perform a skit. This was smack dab in the middle of all the tension.

Me feeling creative and wanting to turn the situation around even a little wrote a skit. It worked in the bear sighting we had heard about, the pressure to never go anywhere without a buddy and I thought it was kinda funny too.

It basically was: girls get ready for lights out, councilor comes in to say good night and warn girls about a possible bear and reiterates buddy system. Middle of the night girl has to use restroom which is a little walk away. She tries to get someone to come with her but everyone tells her off for bothering them. She can’t hold it so she goes by herself. Offstage you hear her scream. Suddenly all the girls are up freaking out, councilor shows up, they realize girl is missing. They feel awful for not caring more about a fellow camper. Girl shows up unhurt but freaked out due to seeing bear. All girls hug her saying they are glad she is okay. It ends with her saying “I never made it to the restroom, but I don’t have to go anymore” and all the girls leap backwards out of the hug. End.

Funny thing is if you didn’t already know about the tension in our cabin you would think the skit was just a silly little thing about being the only girl who needed to pee in the middle of the night.

Even now, I think it was a good idea for a skit. It was simple and relatable. Plenty of my old ideas didn’t age well but dang it, this isn’t one of those.

I excitedly showed my idea to the councilor who shot it down. Her reason was with the tension in the cabin some girls might feel bad because of the content in my skit.

So instead we did something involving being a good mormom girl that guys would want to date/marry.

Excuse me. The reason my skit was turned down wasn’t because we all voted on different skits and the majority of girls liked a different one. No. It’s because the girls who were being bitches might be uncomfortable doing a skit about being considerate of other campers.

It wasn’t even really about cliques. Or some girls being rude and selfish. But the fact that it MIGHT make someone reevaluate themselves was too much.

To this day I’m bitter about it. Less about us doing a stupid skit instead but more that I was basically told that the feelings of the bullies mattered more than anything else.

I was told once again in my life to be soft and quiet. Don’t make waves, don’t point out the waves that already exist and don’t fight back ever.

Our media has become this.

Our villains wear black and spout out vague dialogue about how great it is to be evil.

While hero’s spout things like not giving up, but often have a death toll higher than the bad guys.

We give bad guys an easy out when we get to know them more placing the real evil on a shadow in the background. Or blame their parents, their childhood.

In fantasy whole races are good or evil simply by virtue of being written that way.

People are evil because they just are.

Stories that even touch on the problems with unchecked capitalization miss the real issues instead making the hero someone who figures out the system. Or bogs any potential debate down under loves stories and poorly explained sci-fi.

We make up fake monsters to appease the ones we let lie in our beds.

#so many feelings #i could go on forever #the real inspiration for my 4th wall red project #if i ever get the motivation to work on it again

[disjunkt]

Of Isumi, volume 16, and maturing

I was writing on a website that isn’t about any series in particular, and before I knew it, I had written over seven paragraphs about Hikaru no Go, so I thought I might as well put it here as I don’t get to talk about the series often.

The context is a comic fair I attended in December 2015, where I finally found the last volume — volume 16 — I needed to finish my collection. The story behind it is... perplexing, but, in a way, also shows that I’ve matured over the years.

Warning for vague spoilers of volume 10 and beyond, I guess.

Edit: I had written this from memory and forgot the important match between Isumi and Ochi. I also mixed up Hikaru’s one loss after the Isumi match with his streak of loss earlier on due to Tsubaki. Edited the relevant parts to rectify this.

---

[...] The absolute highlight of this haul was Hikaru no Go volume 16, dream of my sleepless nights and one of my biggest regrets up to that point!! Let me tell you about volume 16.

In volume 10, Hikaru and Isumi play each other as part of the exam to become professional players. Both of them being insei — Go apprentices — with the pressure to make it to pro within a certain time frame or quit, it was a very emotionally charged battlefield, especially for Isumi. When you’re around 17-20 years old, your environment expects you to stop playing around and to make something of your life, be it finishing your education, aiming for a good university or getting a stable job. Obsessively pursuing the goal to become a professional player in a sport such as Go cuts into time and perspectives, all the more so if you aren’t considered a prodigy. Hikaru’s mother’s worries regarding her son’s future is only one out of many ways the series shows just how much is at stake for those insei aiming for that goal, and how being a professional Go player isn’t all that attractive of a prospect to pretty much anyone not a player.

As one of the oldest players in their insei group, Isumi naturally feels a lot of pressure. The thing with Hikaru no Go is that even though it mostly focuses on Hikaru’s perspective, it manages to paint a very detailed and insightful picture of the (Japanese) Go world across all age ranges, and not even limited to players only, but also the institutions and individuals that support that world, whether as amateurs, tutors or the media, just to name a few. Even though the reader doesn’t know all that much about every single player, the series makes you feel for them from an angle beyond just characterization, as the core of the series consists of the passion and ambitions everyone holds regarding the game. It’s extremely inspiring.

When Hikaru and Isumi play that critical match in volume 10 with all the pressure on their shoulders, something happens during the match that shakes them both. It upsets them so much that both are unable to carry on playing their placement matches to the best of their ability. Eventually, Hikaru finds back to his stable self because he has Sai, whereas Isumi, all on his own, loses all of his momentum. Hikaru goes pro, Isumi doesn’t, and for a while, Isumi drops off entirely, even quitting the Go institution he had attended and giving up his status as an insei, a fact revealed in volume 12. While Hikaru and some fellow students enter the new world of pros, Isumi is left behind and intentionally isolates himself to do some soul-searching. A large part of that search takes place in volume 16, which focuses on Isumi’s experience abroad.

It’s… such a beautiful interlude and coming of age story within a much bigger coming of age narrative — Hikaru’s — and it’s made all the more impactful due to two things: Firstly, deviating from Hikaru’s perspective for such an extended time isn’t typical of the series. That it devotes almost the entirety of volume 16 to Isumi is significant. Secondly, of the series’ large cast, Isumi is, quite frankly, one of the most understated characters. Be it character design or personality, Isumi isn’t flashy. He’s well-mannered, friendly, hard-working, serious, reserved, but not in a way that creates distance (compared to, say, Akira), and perhaps comes the closest to what you’d imagine a “normal person” as because he doesn’t stand out. In short: He seems almost boring.

But that’s the beauty of it. Isumi is very relatable because he isn’t flashy or prodigious. Though he happens to be one of Hikaru’s friends, they’re not really close, and he’s mostly just one of the many insei aspiring to become a pro — just one out of many people who Hikaru meets on his own path. But Isumi’s writing and placement in the story resonate because that might as well be the reader in his place, struggling so much to figure out what to pursue, what to give up, and where to belong. Isumi, no matter how minor he may be as an individual character, carries enormous narrative and thematic significance within Hikaru no Go, which is precisely what volume 16 is meant to show you.

Volume 16 is a turning point in the series, and the transition from volume 16 to volume 17 is one of the most powerful moments of all, all of which requires Isumi to be there, no one else. Hikaru’s failing in volume 10 can’t entirely be blamed on Isumi — something that Hikaru had the wisdom to acknowledge — and he overcame that failure with Sai. This time, it’s Isumi who’s on Hikaru’s side, helping him overcome… Sai. More precisely, he helps him overcome his grief over Sai so that he may find Sai again. It’s a powerful moment not just because of the connection between Hikaru and Sai, but because of the bond between Hikaru and Isumi.

Isumi may have failed and lost to Hikaru in the past (in more than one regard), but this time, he has managed to build himself up again. Not only that, he helps Hikaru find back to himself by showing him a way out of isolation, something Isumi is all too familiar with. To me, it says that losing isn’t the end, and losing to someone doesn’t cement you as being inferior in any way. (Isumi had been very concerned about Hikaru’s superiority during all the exam stress.) What’s more, through Hikaru, it shows that as long as you go on living and keep doing what you love, you will always have people around you who support you. The people who once supported you may not be around forever, but losing them doesn’t mean they’re gone. More importantly, it doesn’t mean that you’re on your own. Your experiences build on each other and will eventually become your strength, and the same goes for the relationships that you nurture. In volume 16, both Isumi and Hikaru manage to start over after experiencing loss.

Anyway, this all went over my head when I was younger; I did, in fact, think that Isumi was boring. What’s more, I held a grudge against him for the longest time because as far as I was concerned, he messed up Hikaru’s momentum during Hikaru’s crucial matches. How dare he, a boring side character!! I refused to buy volume 16 because the cover was dedicated to Isumi, and most of the volume was about him. It’s ridiculous, and I can’t believe I was that childish. It’s probably the biggest wtf in my hobby of manga collecting.

Then, many years later, I… understood that Hikaru no Go was one of my favourite series ever. It didn’t use to be, but as I matured, and the more series I read, I understood more and more what it was that the series aimed to do, and how marvellously it pulled it off, and the genre conventions it dodged, and just what a powerful coming of age story it is as a whole. And I found out it was out of print. I looked for this volume everywhere, local book stores, niche comic shops, auction and ad platforms nationally and internationally. It did, in fact, sometimes pop up on Ebay, but even as desperate as I was, I really didn’t want to spend a lot more money than usual on a single volume. At some point, I even placed an order for the volume in a bookstore when I saw they apparently still had it, only to get the reply that they had to cancel the order because they couldn’t get the volume.

When I finally came across it at the Comic-Börse, I freaked out and could barely contain myself. I’m not one to chat with random people, but I babbled to the seller that I had been looking for the volume for the longest time, and that I am overjoyed that I’d finally be able to complete my collection. The seller was super happy for me and said “And it’s only 3 CHF too, isn’t that great!!” Finding Hikaru no Go volume 16 is one of my happiest moments as a manga collector, and I’ll fondly remember it for a long time.

#hikaru no go #isumi shinichiro

[inhalareexhalare]

One-Dimensional Dissonance

Ms Reyna suggested that I could take improvement programs as a form of supplement to my self-improvement. And now that becomes fuel to my longstanding dilemma of hypocrisy, as follows:

Ohhhh. You know, I feel like a freaking hypocrite a lot of times. Like the fact that I want to become a psychologist, but I would probably not go see one if I needed one. I don't even go to counseling in school hahaha Just like that, I want to improve myself, but I wouldn't join an improvement program. I value my own freedom too highly hahaha

I guess one thing also is that improvement programs necessarily do have things figured out, in some way, so they have some form of formula on how to help you improve. But I want to find them all out on my own. I feel like it won't be the same if someone else gives me the answers... I think of psychiatrists and improvement programs as last resorts, so what does that say about my chosen vocation, psychology?

hmmmmmm. I am very clearly resistant to the idea, although I am not allergic to psychiatrists or psychologists, or life coaches (in fact, I think they’re awesome and I want to ask so many questions!)

Enrolling to any of them sort of feels like selling my soul to a church though. For me, it feels like, as I enter, a leash tightens around my neck.

HMMMMM.

This inner contradiction is so confusing.

In psychology by the way, this is called cognitive dissonance.

-

Here’s the deal. The truth is that I’m not a one-dimensional person who just either wants psychology or doesn’t.

The thing is, I also have trust issues, and am at the peak of discomfort when around strangers who suddenly are given permission to take charge of my life.

I’m not afraid of help, in fact I know I need it. I know that human beings are prone to twisting reality into what they find comfort in, and prefer to hide from the truth unconsciously. And as a writer and librarian in pursuit of truth, I dislike nothing more than that. 

Combine that fact with the trust issue above, ends up with me reaching out to close friends when I am troubled. They have helped me in many ways, although yes, I do believe these coaches and doctors would have a larger, bigger-picture-type of insight to my inner life.

-

What can I do about this?

All I can think of is:

(1) TRY counseling with a psychologist/psychiatrist or both at least once in my life=Gather insights.

(2) TRY teaming up with a life coach at least once in my life=Gather insights.

I don’t want to remain blind towards things I am afraid of. I need to see them up close so I can paint a better bigger picture of my wholeness.

Oh my God. This is actually a mission now. Sort of like a bucket list-ish self-dare.

Mission: Try undergoing psychological counseling and joining life coaching programs at least once

To Reyna:

Thanks sa prompt!!!! Imma try this new challenge

[Thanks for the prompt]

2019-03-01 09:00 Philippines Friday

Ms. Charree and the Dean Team accepted my invitation to lunch together by letting me accept their invitation to attend a Catholic mass.

Ms. Charree was surprised and was worried with my initiative, wondering if this is okay since I am technically a Christian, and she doesn't know if Christians are allowed  to go to other churches. I said it was fine hahaha

It was a heartwarming experience to be honest. They are very ceremonial in their ways but I see their love.

I love especially how Ms. Charree didn't teach me to hold hands in one of the ceremonies.

It's important not to do things without knowing their meaning.

Oh and also Dr. Seth was seated three rows before us. In "peace be with you," I looked for her eyes and ours met. She turned around as if in habit and then turned to look again, surprised to find me hahahah

We don't know who comes to this church more frequently than her. She knows who doesn't and and who does come. She smiled as I smiled my, probably, most sincere smile around her.

It's in our wordless interactions that I find meaning the most.

I felt unrestrained-ly happy because I felt her smile was warm. It was something human about her, outside of work.

I look forward to lunch.

2019-03-01 12:45 Philippines Friday

Lunch was also some radical change. Just kidding.

But it really was awesome. Ms. Bel has a lot of stories on things this workplace can improve on. The problem is that those who make the decisions rarely feel like improving.

Ms. Charree half-jokingly said that we all didn’t notice the time because I was too noisy hahaha partly true! I did initiate ideas here and there. I love asking questions.

On the way back to my office, I told Ms. Jun that people were just talking about her, as she opened the door to her office lol, and then I said hi to Ms. Len and she had this beautiful smile (we’re getting a lot closer online too!) and then Ms. Gi who noticed me and waved, and then Dr. Less (who if I have to be honest, would be my actual middle-aged man crush, but naw I just really look up to him and subjectively find him attractive even for his age. A low-key badass cool-headed man) and Dr. Lion who laughed with me regarding evidences that I am still waiting for them to snatch from a few lazy/indifferent faculty members.

When I got down, Hercules was here again and said hi to me, as he was speaking with Dianne. But you have to understand that my cubicle is an isolated one (I’m thinking faulty office design) so I impulsively said, “where are you?” and he chuckled at that and his tall frame peered in as I leaned backwards and we waved hellos and laughed.

OH WHY I am too blessed with these people. Had I not jumped the figurative cliff of my fears, I wouldn’t have get to actually know them and be interested in them. It’s not all rainbows and I do fail in social interactions. But these people make it all worth it.

2019-03-01 13:46 Philippines Friday

This is good, this is good.

This is good flow I'm having lately.

But "how do I keep it up"? Psh.

I don't.

I keep changing.

Focus!

2019-03-01 14:14 Philippines Friday

I met Karu and Divad, when I was on my way back from running errands. I was pleased to see them, Karu especially, but he said he won’t be going to the gig tonight, and he won’t even be coming home. 

That really made me feel bad. But you know what? 

I remembered what I just decided to do. My goal.

Keep changing. That instantly bring me to a clearer focus.

I didn’t ask him why, I just said goodbye.

I am less anxious than before. I didn’t need answers to calm down. The other big thing is that I readily accepted the fact that I did feel bad.

I do crave his company, and I would have loved to hear his new voice in his new flute, but I’m okay with this. I can only wish him well.

I’ve still got so many stories to tell, and I’m rhyming, like, hell!

2019-03-01 14:37 Philippines Friday

Jeri and his little sister whose name I can’t remember gave me extra food! I can’t believe they drink milk for meetings. So cute and healthy!

I initiated the long-time-no-see stuff with them. They’re awesome.

Even though I don’t write about it much in here, I’m more active in talking with people online too! I take the pace properly of course. Burning out would be pointless.

I love my siblings huhu We’re all geeks except for my charismatic yet chill little brother.

2019-03-01 14:57 Philippines Friday

I MIGHT HANG OUT WITH MY BLOOD FAMILY TOMORROW And I mean my complete immediate family

Oh my gosh. Reaching out can do a lot of things.

Also managed to crack a relate-able joke as I said goodbye to Charles, Dianne, and Jeri's sister!

Now to go home. Must not slack off!

Quick Quest: check FullyBooked for good book! Quick Quest: laundry shop and milk and dinner!

2019-03-01 17:14 Philippines Friday

I re-read the Happiness of a Robin, my first ever short story, in intention of proofreading and revising it, but fuck I don't want to change it anymore. (Except for a few grammatical errors.)

I'll release it as soon as I'm good with the errors. 🙂 I also want to accompany it with an illustration, so it might take time before I release it.

I heard from Tita Kris that Pa doesn't want me to come tomorrow at the family movie night. I'm still asking Tita why, but I also told her it's okay. Everyone is disappointed that I can't come.

About Pa's reasons, Tita Kris doesn't know why either. I suppose he still isn't comfortable with the idea of me, since I remind him too much of pain? Well, I'm a fellow attached person so I'd get that feeling. Knowing someone isn't going to stay long with you, you'd rather just push them away in the first place.

It's important that I leave him more time to heal. More importantly, he needs to know that I love him very, very much.

I'm listening to Yutaka Hirasaka's Letter on loop. I feel like I belong in that vibe after reading the short story. Damn. So many feelings. I can't believe I wrote that. It's not the best read objectively, but it's so precious to me.

I hope Karu is alright. He seemed really tired and dead.

People need time. Breathe in, breathe out.

It's important to take time to breathe.

Breath is necessary to sustain life.

2019-03-01 21:18 Philippines Friday

Obviously, Nynaeve was disappointed also. Here's my explanation:

Apparently he's concerned that Tita told you about the possibility without consulting him first. He's afraid that his rejection of my request might enrage you or might disappoint you of him.

He's just kinda emotionally coping still... He doesn't know what to do, I think. It's sad that he had to say to Tita something like "wag mo pakialaman pamilya ko" [don't bother with someone else's family] like she wasn't a part of it.. I'm sure he didn't mean it but fuck that must hurt for her

From Nynaeve:

True... Also like Do I still seem like someone who rages lol Then again he still don't really know me

To Nynaeve:

Hahahahaha

He's worried maybe because he knows we're close. At least he's trying to understand what others might be feeling now XD

2019-03-01 22:48 Philippines Friday

I'm with Karu now. He invited me to come sleep at Theodore's tonight since we miss each other, ans the truth is that he's only avoiding Ira. He plans to leave home for maybe a week.

That's all good.

What I'm faced with right now though, is a group of musicians who want to talk about nothing else about their world soooo I can't find an opportunity to enter the discussion.

They speak of events where I wasn't around, they speak of people and bands that I don't know, and they're all having fun so I guess it's good. Sort of still feels off though.

Have you ever been to a meeting where you don't really know why people invited you there? That's this. I have nothing to contribute. I can only disappear.

I don't feel entirely bad though. I wonder if I should walk around. I wonder if they'd think I was offended. I want to go out because it's sort of noisy here. The kind that is not so amusing.

I could always think to myself. I'm going to zone out!

What I can learn from this is (1) to not copy their example.

As I have said before, a different combination of people automatically means a new set of cultures to merge.

When you have a band that has solid chemistry and a new member comes in, your sound changes. 

(1.a) Assuming you allow space for this new member to contribute. Unfortunately, (1.b) the new member cannot force a space or it will be rather counterproductive. From invisible, he becomes an obstacle. None of which resembles a team member that is welcomed.

So that's a new tip. When there's someone new, I want to do my best to make them feel welcome and deliberately leave spaces or opportunities for them to belong to a whole new chemistry.

2019-03-01 23:16 Philippines Friday

For their reference, I shared my thoughts to them after it all as feedback and made it clear that I'm not angry. This is just some comment that might help all of us improve with socializing.

Fortunately, none of them took it as an attack. They rather felt sorry but I told them I didn't want to make them feel at fault, it's just some feedback to help them be a bit more aware of what might be happening in situations like these.

I want to rest now haha

Anyway, I think I need to work on tone setting. They thought I was fully angry (because when I'm serious, I speak in calm monotone and they think it's intimidating).

Mission: Set Tone! Soft notes

2019-03-02 00:16 Philippines Saturday

#chrono7 #social #vocation #psychology #hypocrisy #mission #goal #marriage #anxiety #calm