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beomglocks · 4 years

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colors ; k.th

part of the badlands series!

colors: “you’re ripped at every edge but you’re a masterpiece.”

based off halsey’s badlands album.

warnings and other: museum curator!taehyun, old money!y/n, mentions of depression and grass smoking, little bit of angst i guess??

taehyun sighed as he took down the 11th painting this week. the museum hadn't been very busy in the past couple of weeks, maybe because the weather was getting colder. one part of him figured that many people just wanted to be bundled up at home watching holiday themed movies and drinking warm drinks rather than appreciating enchanting artworks.

he couldn't fool himself though, he knew the truth. today's generation didn't care about the fine arts anymore. a shame, seeing as everything around them seemed to be inspired by it.

kang taehyun worked at his local museum. he had been offered the position by the owner one night while roaming the place. this should've been a red flag looking back. the owner seemed desperate for someone to fill in the position since the previous employee had left without notice. nonetheless, taehyun took the job and didn't regret it one bit.

open 24/7, the red haired boy was always working on the clock. not that there was much to do seeing as most of the people his age or even a bit older didn't hang around museums purely for the joy of it. actually, his only job was to exhibit the newly arrived collections, clean and dust them off, and conduct regular tours and workshops for the public. due to this and the fact that not many people even came by he would take regular breaks.

once in a while you'd see the occasional old person or art expertee roaming around the small museum. if you were lucky, you'd see the local edgy teens posing next to a piece they didn't understand just to get an aesthetic picture. taehyun would also have the unfortunate job of shooing them away or scolding them for getting just a bit too close.

recently his boss, who was the museum manager and maybe the only other person besides taehyun that worked there, had informed him that due to funds and unfortunate unforeseen events, the museum would be closing down in about a month from now. this caused taehyun to fall deep into a depression since this was his only job and he loved it here. the museum was like his second home. he found comfort in the silent images displayed throughout the building. they always told him a story and when new pieces came in he would sit and stare attentively at the new anecdote being told to him.

taehyun smiled sadly at the piece he had just taken down. it was a painting of 2 people kissing however both of their faces were covered by white cloths. this was his favorite and he didn't even have a clue as to why. probably because of the uncertainty of what the other was feeling or because of the fact that the other couldn't see each other's faces through the cloth, that would've made the kiss more exciting in his opinion.

he stepped out of the museum and into the frosty air of the outside world. it was only autumn so why was it so cold? he thought to himself. he discreetly pulled out a prerolled blunt and his white lighter from his pocket. he lit it and stuck in between his slightly chapped lips.

maybe smoking dope wasn't the healthiest thing in the world, especially for a boy so young, barely 19, but it helped taehyun get his mind off the inevitably of losing his job and being homeless for the winter. he shuttered at the thought. he would have to room with one of his friends, he sighed shaking his head. no, he didn't want to be a burden, yeonjun had helped him enough as it is.

he looked at his surroundings taking in the cold autumn afternoon. the trees had long lost their leaves and were bare. the sky was a murky gray color as if it were threatening to rain any time soon. he noticed a girl bundled up in winter clothes near the entrance of the building glance at him. he smiled at her and she jumped at the eye contact, thinking that he wouldn't catch her. taehyun chuckled as he watched her rush into the museum. "back to work," he said out loud to himself.

once the blunt had been almost gone, he smoked what was left of it and headed back into the empty museum. he was feeling light-headed, the effects of the blunt finally taking action, but taehyun was used to it so it barely affected him as much.

he made his way to the girl who was now starting to take off her jacket and scarf. taehyun tapped on the girl's shoulder to get her attention. "hi," he smiled at the girl, showing off his dazzling smile. "if you'd like, i could give you a tour of the museum." well what's left of it anyways, he thought to himself.

"oh...no thank you," said the girl. she smiled warmly at the worker. "well not to be invasive of your decision but it's sort of in my job description," taehyun replied as he rubbed the back of his neck. the girl sighed in defeat, "i guess i have no choice then."

taehyun laughed as he took her coat and scarf to hang up in the public closet, "yep, trust me. they say im not that bad of a tour guide, im quite fun to be around if i do say so myself. i promise not to bore you too much." the girl nodded, not entirely convinced. "if i do end up bored i will hold you accountable..." she took a moment to take a peek at taehyun's name tag, "kang taehyun," she joked.

as they walked through the museum the girl couldn't help but notice that it was fairly empty. "why are there almost no paintings in here?" she laughed hesitantly. "i thought this was a museum?" taehyun stopped walking, turning to her with a sad expression on his face.

"the museum is expected to close in about a month or so," he stated simply. "oh...that's terrible. may i ask why?" the girl responded. "my boss says we've run out of funds or something like that," taehyun chuckled bitterly. "people don't really give a shit about good art these days anyways."

"that's a shame..."

they continued to look through the various paintings that were still up and occasionally the girl would ask to see the ones that were taken down and left on the floor. it seemed the two were lost in each other's company as night started to approach.

"thank you for the tour of this lovely museum taehyun. it was fun but it's a shame such a nice museum like this is closing down," the girl said softly. taehyun nodded solemnly, he just wanted to get this day over with and crash at his apartment. he didn't blame the girl before him but talking to her reminded him of his harsh reality. a notification coming from the girl's bag made both of them jump as they were both lost in their thoughts.

"ah, that must be my father. he's kind of annoying when it comes to my curfew," she chuckled, digging her phone from her bag. taehyun watched her with a bored expression until his eyes reached her bag. he hadn't noticed this earlier but she had been carrying a louis vuitton bag. his eyes bulged at the expensive item that was so close to him, they got even larger when she fished out the latest iphone from it.

taehyun wasn't poor per se, he had just enough to get by since he was living paycheck to paycheck. however, he had never been in such close proximity to any luxury items. he suddenly felt weird being this close to this girl.

"what do you mean by curfew?" taehyun asks hesitantly. the girl sighs, "my father is one of south korea's richest chaebol's, maybe one of the big three at his point." she rolled her eyes as if this information was nothing. "he's super strict with me because i guess i'm just his show pony daughter whom he can show off to say he's a good father."

taehyun gulped, had he just been casually hanging out with the daughter of one of the richest men in korea? he felt sick at this. she looked up at taehyun's uneasy expression, "oh my god im sorry i just dumped that all on you! i just needed to catch a break so i came here, i didn't mean to drag you into my life story."

taehyun fixes his face, laughing nervously, "no- no its fine really. we all need a break sometimes right? im glad you got to have that time here." the girl smiled up at him, completely misreading his nervous laughter, "im glad i got to spend it here with you taehyun."

"oh before i go!" taehyun watched her pull out a checkbook from her bag and his stomach dropped. he silently watched her scribble some stuff onto the slip and tear it out, handing it to him.

"there's not too much i can take out of my account without my father flipping out but i hope this helps even just a little. whether it be in your personal life or with the museum."

taehyun eyes the check and chokes when he sees 50,000 dollars written neatly on the black line. he swears he can feel sweat going down his face like in the cartoons. "i- i cant possibly take this from you." he moves to hand the check back but the girl refuses to take it back. "taehyun, you love this museum with your entire being. i see the way to look at the paintings and the passion with which you explained them to me. i'd hate to see that taken away."

"plus, if you're gone who's gonna give me the tour when i come back?" she laughs as if this is something casual. taehyun's hands shake as he pockets the check, "i seriously cannot thank you enough...you don't know how much you just helped the museum and m-"

the girls phone dings again and she grumbles, "ugh why can't he just leave me alone. sorry but i think i really gotta go for real before he tracks my location or something crazy like that."

taehyun nods wistfully at the mention of her having to leave. he was really starting to enjoy her company.

"oh by the way," the girl giggles as she pulls her coat on hurriedly. "was that you smoking weed at the corner of the museum earlier?" the girl chuckled to herself again just remembering it. taehyun furrowed his eyebrows, "why would you say that kind of thing at out loud and at my job?!" he scolded in a playful hushed voice.

"i just thought it was funny and you also smelled of weed the entire tour, i didn't mind though so don't worry," the girl concluded. she was starting to walk away towards out the door now. "i'll walk you out," taehyun offers. "such a helpful employee. is this in the job description too?" the girl jokes, turning to him while a smile on her lips. "well, not exactly," taehyun says smoothly.

she shakes her head, "i'll see you soon taehyun." he watches her walk off into the darkness of the night when he suddenly remembers something.

"hey what's your name by the way?" he shouts after the girl. for some reason taehyun really was hopeful of seeing her again.

"y/n!" came the disembodied voice of the girl he had just met.

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i-hate-everyone--equal · 4 years

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After having a very rough life that makes her want to risk it all at the age of 12. Elaina receives a call from her older brother begging for help with his new born daughter. After watching the fiasco Ari and Aaliyah, her little sisters started in Crenshaw and knowing they needed to lay low for a long time. They head to a Freeridge California and meet a little beat up boy named Cesar. After awhile they start to rebuild the never put together family that she's always wanted but what happens when his older brother finally gets out of jail?

Show some love if you like it! I do not own on my block or any of its characters. I only own my own ocs. I also dont own the pictures. If you don't like the book don't read it and I'm always welcome to nice criticism but if your an ass you will be removed. I also dont speak spanish so I'm gonna do the best I can.

...................................................................

Driving to get to my new house in Freeridge was tiring as hell with my mija in the car. Dont get me wrong I know this is the first time we've got to spend time together in awhile but, I also know the girls hyped her up on candy and soda from the way she practically vibrating and jumping in her purple and black car seat. Fortunately she crashed from her sugar high about 40 minutes back and I would be able to carry her big head into the house.

Tapping my hand in the steering wheel, I pull through tagged up streets until I arrive at my new house in Freeridge, California. There were little trees and bushes blocking all edges of the house at the end of the street giving it a very good privacy setting. Its walls a off white concrete with beige tiles on the roof. There was a big yard big enough to store some of the cars Juju and I like to work on, a small garage and a doggie house for my dog Cerberus. As my eyes roam the house I let out the sigh that seems to have been on the tip of my tongue since I left my old home in Crenshaw.

I notice there were no lights on in the house and that I will have to get black out curtains, considering the amount of windows there were. It wont be good when I have to drink my self to sleep only to be woken up by the sun wanting to show how much holier it is than I. The houses off white cemented walls shined in the fading sunlight the light reflecting off the windows giving it a warm and cozy look thankfully along with the sun going down so is the famous unforgivable heat.

Stepping out of the car was a little more challenging than I thought it was going to be considering how my skin wanted to mend into the car seat. So, after I finally was able to surgically remove myself I was able to start walking up to the reinforced door one of the first things I noticed.

'That was probably one of Vin's ideas.' A bitter smile came at the thought....missing mi familia. I honestly don't even know where he is right now. 'I'll find you when it's safe again.' Already knowing the words were lies before they even left his mouth.

The second thing I notice was the cameras discreetly pointing at every angle surronding my house. So if a lizard crossed my yard I would know about it. I opened the door and propped it open with one of door stopper that was right next to it. Not even bothering to look further inside Going back to the car and I pull out mi hija without waking her while also grabbing whatever else we needed to spend one night in an empty house.

Quickly grabbing my silver .9mm from the glove department, I place it in my waist band of my black yoga shorts and start walking in the house and once fully inside, I put Nena and the bags down in the living room on the deep brown wooden floors before rubbing her hair. Glancing at her mixed cream skin with crazy black curly hair I secretly admire her beauty. 'She deserves this fresh start more than any of us. ' I quietly think to myself continuing to take in her peaceful sleeping face that looked so much like her fathers.

She has such an innocent face but, that's just what lures you in about her. She has such a devilish smile when you get past her angelic eyes.

Rubbing her hair once more I walk out and grab a few more bags before placing those bags around her as well. I go back and lock the door before going through her night bag and pulling out her pajamas.

Picking her up to wake her only causes her to start groaning and whining as she lazily opens her eyes and gives me a sweet soft kiss.

"We have to change your clothes before you go back to sleep Nena." I say quietly to the 3 year old.

"Tía" she said with her quiet rarely used voice it coming out soft and toddlerish. Her tired eyes trying to close despite my best efforts. God this girl could try to sleep through anything!

"You cant call me that anymore mija." I said to her softly with my soothing voice while looking into her deep amber eyes. My mother always said that I had the voice capable of putting anyone to sleep. I remember when I was 4 she told me one night that she wanted me to sing for her every night to chase away the nightmares. Unfortunately the next morning I found her overdosed in the tub covered in urine and throw up.

"Yes mama." She said starting to get a little excited but still in her sleep haze.

"I love you mama." Nena said burying her head into my shoulder. Secretly trying to go back to sleep from what I could tell by the way she started to slump into my arms.

"I love you too Nena. We have to get you changed before you go back to sleep plum."I said chuckling to the half asleep toddler before looking away and turning to my phone when I hear the gun shot notification. Clicking my phone on. I see a blaring picture of Nena and *Bang!!* another new text message. This one from the moving company. [ We will arrive Tomorrow at 7 am] Alright. Not that bad and there's really nothing I could do about that right now.

Scrolling to my other messages I see one from Abuela.

[ We are 30 minutes out. She is in a mood driving us all loco.] Chuckling when I finished reading.

'She just lost her sister, nana.' I thought to myself. Before shaking my head to get rid of the thoughts of her. Putting down Nena on the floor unconsciously bringing up old unwanted memories of before the beginning of all of this bullshit.

*Flashback 2 years ago*

Sitting here with my hands bruised, slashed, and bleeding all over the place from the street fights I've had that past week. The dark purple and yellow bruises seeming to do a puzzle the way they fit on top of each other.

Kissing my teeth and looking far out of space while throwing my head back, and letting out a small scream while standing up to let out my frustrations. Today was not a good day, but it seems like bad days are the only days I'm allowed to have anymore honestly. Turning my head around to fully take in my shitty surronding of an abandoned apartment building with dried blood on the walls, broken glass bottles everywhere, and dirty couches and mattresses. The whole place stunk of mold, anemone, and shit. A scoff escapes me.

'What am I even doing here?' I think to myself but in reality I already know why I was not home..... trying to get too fucked up to remember anything. This is not where I am supposed to be doing that though. I pry through the existing migraine to get to the depressing things I'm forced to call my thoughts. While pulling out my phone to check to see if I have recieved any messages, nope but it is 02:30.

'I should probably go home.' Although, as soon as that thought went though my head it was already gone. My mind being too filled with the existing numbness and static to absorb anymore thoughts of home.

Not now.... 'Theres no one there to return to anymore.'

Walking though the trashed old and moldy apartment building somewhere in NY blood territory if the tagged up place was anything to go by I stepped out side. Looking around I notice the tagged up neighborhood and my 2014 purple and black Dodge Charger. Stepping in the car with a groan I start the car and look at my phone again to connect the bluetooth and start playing Leroyce -Forever before I take off toward a destination not really caring where as long as it's not here.

Opening my glove department I pull out a blunt and light it before coming to a stop. 'Got to get off the road soon dont want to get pulled over again.' I sigh, even though I look older than it I am still only 10. One that really is tired of this worlds sandeces 'I really dont want to call Vin to tell the officer to let me go if I get caught.' I add another sigh to my day as I pull into a parking space and turning off the car. I continue to smoke my blunt while listening to the music letting it vibe though me. 'I haven't eaten in 3 days' I think with, yeah you guessed it another sigh not particularly having an appetite or craving anything to eat.

Putting out the roach that was left while also making sure my silver glock is by my side, I get out of the car and walk to the nearest store. Walking up to the 711 I open the door and notice there were three young chicos in the candy isle and an Arabian at the register. Going to the bakery isle I grab two banana nut muffins before going to grab a beer and some chips.

"Can I get a black and mild wood tip?" I asked as I walked up to the Arabian girl at the register. Her big brown eyes first going to my holstered gun before looking into my hazel green eyes. Looking like she was having a debate with herself on whether or not to ask for an armored mixed girls Id. Flipping her fake blonde hair it seems like she made the decision that she doesnt care about my life.

"That will be 9.34."

Placing a 10 on the counter I walk away leaving the change. Going straight back to my car rolling another one and, staring off into space letting my mind wonder into the depths that would only bring and leave more scars. The only thing that brings me back is the sound of my ringer going off. Looking at the screen I see a picture of my hermano Vin and I on the screen. My long curly black hair pushed to the side my eyes closed and a bright smile on my full lips showing off my pearly whites. Vins tattoed arms wrapped around his hermanita as tight as possible knowing that would be the last time we would see each other for awhile.... and it's already been 8 months. "Qué?" I demanded. As soon as I picked up the phone.

"Elaina."

"Hm?"

"Te necesito." His deep voice says hesitantly over the phone.'Really....now you need me?'

"Por qué?"

"We can't speak about it on the phone. I need you to come to me." His gravely deep voice demanded on the phone. Not really giving me a choice in the matter in my head.

But now, what could be so important that you cant tell me over the phone. Well the only way I was going to find out was by going to him.

"I'm in New York right now, get my location and set it to the nearest airport. Make sure you keep the cops from my route I dont want any problems. Order me a private jet and set it to where ever you are."

" Thank you Elaina."

Humming, then ending the conversation. I recieve the route not even a minute later. Taking care of my family is a full time job that I didnt even sign up for....but without them I would have given up a long time ago. I sighed pulling out of the parking lot finally lightin the blunt.

'This finna be some bullshit.Well at least I get to go to London.'

*Present*

Hearing a truck pull up outside the house. Walking to the door I peek out the bullet proof window to see Abuela's black truck outside. The short mexican lady is cursing my hermanitas the hell out I notice with a small smile. Knowing them they probably deserve it. Shaking my head I start making my way to the door unlocking the door and stepping onto the second brick step.

"THATS YOUR MOTHERFUCKING EXCUSE FOR GETTING ALL THAT SHIT ON MY SEATS!?" oooh car problems...... Walking right back inside grabbing Nena who found her toy bag and was currently sleeping on a stuffed animal. But she was already dressed in her pajamas so imma just count it as a win-win situation. I already did what I needed to do which was open the door.

"Sissy save us!!!!" I hear both my other twin sisters yell. No. You fucked up her truck. You did this to a crazy Mob grandma.

"Let's go find somewhere to sleep Nena." Walking off not listening to the distressing calls of "Sissy!" from all three my sisters now.

I end up picking the empty master bedroom mentally cursing my brother for not having furniture arrive before his family did. 'Pendejo.'

Laying down on the carpet floor while putting white headphones in my ears and using a giant panda stuff animal as a pillow I pull an already asleep Nena over me and, put her head on my chest before closing my eyes.

I stayed like that for hours my insomnia not letting me sleep and my mind never truly letting me rest. I sit, wait, and listen to my sisters and grandma put away the little things they had before going to sleep. Well at least two of them do.

Looking up to my door as I hear the door click open. My younger sister Juju is there with a burning blunt and bottle of Hennessy...... our sleep medicine.

She's wearing a faded purple spaghetti strap crop top and black pajamas shorts. Most of her tattoos being shown off due to the lack of clothes. Pushing a deeply asleep toddler off of me and onto the panda. I watched her wrap her arms around the toy before turning and grabbing my phone.

After making sure my bebé was still fully asleep, something I honestly dont know why I even questioned, I stand up.

Following my younger sister outside to the back yard we hop on the concrete railing facing opposite of each other with the bottle between us and pop it open. Taking out my phone I start to play Say yes by Floetry. Before I really start to look around the back yard. Cerberus was going to have the time of his life fucking shit up back here. He will be arriving tomorrow along with the furniture, he doesn't do well with long road trips at all so we decided to just drug him and put him on a plane along with the rest of the stuff.

"I thought Vin said he would be here?" Her raspy tired voice said drawing me out of my thoughts and making me turn towards her. Big puppy dog hazel eyes that had dark circles from lack of sleep and brown curly hair made her look like a sun goddess. Her light carmel skin basically glowing in the moon and pool light. Out of all of my siblings I connected with sisters the most. Maybe because I went through a lot of bull shit with them? Maybe because they shared the womb at the same time with me? Either way I'm happy for it considering how much the world seems to hates my guts its good to have sisters that actually care if I die or not.

"You know why he can't come here." I said hitting the blunt. Knowingly about to start an unwanted argument.

"Wouldn't you say to protect his girls he would actually be here with us?Not there trying to get himself killed?!"She asked irritated and worried.

"Hm." Taking the bottle she chugs down the liquor with no regrets. Before handing it to me when she is done, I do the same thing until I feel somewhat alright.

"What school are we going to go to? Will you do football?" Now why would I be thinking about doing football? This ain't my home.

"We will be going to sign up for school soon I guess and no I'm not doing football."

" You might be able to start a new life, have friends, find love." She continued. Her mind filled with nothing but romance, roses, and bullets. She already knew that we shouldnt really get attached to anyone out here. It was far to dangerous to get anyone evolved in our lives but right now on this railing she can dream.

"Are you listing out Liyah's to-do list or mine?" I said laughing and fully feeling the effects of the alcohol. Not wanting to be the one to state the facts.

"All of ours fool!" She says laughing. Her smile showing off her small dimples. The smile slowly going away putting her head on my shoulder before shaking it.

"After everything that's been going on we deserve it.........How did we get here hermana?" Sighing I dont answer, knowing that question was more towards the Angels than to me.

"This isn't fair, for him to send us to one place while hes halfway around the world." She continues with a slight whimper in her voice. Taking another sip out of the bottle before passing it and lighting a black and mild.

"He's trying his best." Those soft spoken words could've been yelled at the poor girl with how quickly she quieted down.

Looking over at her down casted head.

"Yeah he is trying his best....but, his best could be with us there to help." She said damn near sobbing. The medicine is working.

"You know why we cant do that Juju. Come on." I said picking her up from the railing and stumbling back into the room after I placed her next to Nena before turning around and locking the door. Poor girl was already asleep when I turned back around.

What could I expect though after everything that's been going on. Quickly checking my phone for the time to see 02:45. I finally lay down next to them and let the alcohol in my system drag me into Morpheus's arms.

#oscar diaz #on my block #sad eyes #cesar diaz #netflix #gangs #love #freeridge #spooky #santos #prophets #Spotify

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stimulateyoursenses · 5 years

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It's 2019. My mom is dying. I spend all day cleaning up her shit and piss. All day. I spend all day hearing her in pain. I spend all day having panic attacks in the bathroom because I dont know if today is going to be the day another bone breaks just because they are so damn fragile. I cry and wonder If today is going to be the day everything goes downhill. Because it will only go downhill from here. Mom has started talking about not wanting to live like this anymore, a topic she has never brought up before. She's been throwing up again, aspirating frequently. Blood pressure through the roof. She says everything hurts. And I just sit there and watch her suffer. Every day. My best friend.

I've made a few posts on her about my mental health but I am usually vague as I dont want to scare anyone or trigger anyone. My mental health has been destroyed and no longer exists. I don't have any friends IRL. I don't have many friends online anymore. Everyone is busy, depressed, a million miles away, or just doesn't want to deal with me.

I don't have a job, haven't had one in a year and so I am P E N N I L E S S. I am in DEBT. It's gotten to the point that I have to mentally detach myself from any and all my desires because It's excruciating not having anything to live for, nothing to motive, or spark a drive in me. That's nonexistent in my life now. I just wait because my life begins the day after my mom dies and as much as that sucks to say it's true. Right now I cant get a job, I cant go out with friends, I can't buy gas, I can't go on dates, I can't be excited about anything bc everything costs money or requires a lot of mental or physical spoons or needs for me to be away from my mom for more than 3 hours. Which is impossible at the moment.

Ontop of that my best friend, the person who has said he'll "always" be there for me through this, who knows he's the only one I confide my true feelings about my situation, hasn't checked in on me/messaged me for a whole week because he is upset over the fact that I said "hey I'm not a big fan of this silence right now" on the phone, after some awkward silence after one of my vent. He felt attacked and got upset and started being angry at me..... the person.... who i just cried to about my mom's decline and how fucked up I feel and how my other friend was being rude to me..... proceeded to get upset with me .... because I stated my feelings. And because he didn't like <how> I did it, he has been ignoring me all week. No messages. No check ins. And over the week of silence I have come to grips with just how different the reality of my best friend is from the one who exists in my heart, who I know he can be. The best friend who lives in my heart would approach me always with sympathy and kindness because he knows how shitty life is for me rn, he would understand how this traumatic situation has shaped me and where I am coming from when I voice my feelings, would understand that I am trying my best, would check on me and make sure that I was hanging in there. Would schedule fun activities for us to do together because he'd know how important he is in my life and how alone I am. He'd reach out and help me without me having to ask for it every. single. time. He'd remember how much it sucks to ask for help and he'd be looking out for any way he could make my life better. He would give me the kindness and consideration I would give to him if he were in this position.

He would have responded "I'm here and I have been listening, I was just giving you space to do your own thing and didn't want to overwhelm you. I'm sorry I made awkward silence, but I am definitely here for you even though I don't know what to say."

but instead he got defensive over a statement that wasn't an attack on him, knowing MY SITUATION, WITH MY LIMITED SPOONS. He chose his ego over me. And he keeps choosing his ego over his life partner. He has receeded any emotional support, all communication. He hasn't even checked in on me as a friend. And to me, that's wild. I supported him, emotionally and financially when he was fired from his job and emotionally dead while I was living there. We werent even together and I supported him-- without ever being asked. I tried to sort out our bills, sold my WAX collection, just to keep us afloat. Came home to the USA and supported him financially from time to time when he was skint and couldnt find the spoons to get a job. MULTIPLE TIMES. He never had to ask, he'd just mention he was skint and I'd send over £20. Because I wanted to see him happy. Because I wanted to see him thrive. Because I would do anything in my power to help the people I love. but I'm learning that just because I am a good person to my friends doesn't mean that they will be good to me, even when I repeat over and over and over how unwell I am. I'm learning that people don't like to hand out sympathy, aid, or compassion until *after* the tragedy happens, as beforehand there's a lot of "she can handle it", "she's strong-- she's got this" to excuse themselves or any responsiblity. And that shit is sad. It's honestly heartbreaking and has caused me to lose a lot of faith in reality and lose a lot of faith in my friends. Because if this is how people treat me when I'm going through the WORST time of my life, I don't want to see how they treat me on just a regular day. I deserve so so so so much better.

#personal #a brain dump im sorry if this doesnt make sense #im so fucking tired i want to die #but ive been saying that for years so she must not mean it!!!! she must just be doing this for attention!!!! bc thats *me* :----)

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beautyindisguise00 · 4 years

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Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others?

Thursday October 1 2020 @2:53pm

1. When was the last time someone saw you naked? last weekend. my boyfriend

2. If you could bring someone back from the dead and spend an hour with them, who would it be and what would you do/say? my grandma. i’d ask her how she felt about how things are going with the big three family now

3. What is the greatest loss you’ve endured? my grandma

4. How would you describe your current mood? calm and relaxed

5. When was the last time you did something you were embarrassed by? crying myself to sleep last night. ugh, im so sensitive sometimes.

6. What was the last thing you lied about? i dont remember. haha

7. Where is your favorite place to have sex? still have my v-card,but the bed. haha

8. What is your earliest memory? getting lost at a sports tournament. haha

9. Do you ever drink or get high alone? i drink by myself, but not to get drunk

10. What type of a drunk are you? very chatty and giddy

11. What song (or a few songs, whatever) means a lot to you and why? there’s a lot.

12. When was the last time you revealed your feelings for someone? Were they accepted or rejected? last weekend to a guy friend, Luke last weekend to my boyfriend a few weeks ago to my best friend, Angela all where of different feelings, but thankfully they were all very accepting

13. What was the reason behind your last visit to the hospital? visiting a friend who was in a motorcycle accident

14. How do you tend to deal with a breakup? i haven’t been through a bad breakup and i hope i wont ever, but if i ever do. i’d probably cry myself to sleep each night and go through the motions through the day. i’d stay off social media until i’m ready to show my ex what he’s lost

15. What is the “worst” drug you’ve done? Are there any you will never try, or any you want to try? i’ve never done drugs

16. What is something you’ve done that you truly regret? forgetting to log out of my facebook messenger on my mom’s phone....

17. What does it mean to you to be a good person? Do you feel you are a good person? someone’s who’s kind. goes out of their way to help others. and many more. i can be a good person, but im not always

18. What is your philosophy on life/how do you generally choose to live or conduct yourself? enjoy life. be kind to others. bring glory to God

19. Do you view animals as being just as important as people? Why or why not? animals should be treated with care and kindness.

20. When was the last time you were up all night and why? my boyfriend and i were out with his family

21. What is the worst thing you’ve done to yourself? What is the worst thing someone else has done to you? not love myself like i should be. form options about me without getting to know me

22. What is the most personal thing you’re willing to reveal? depends on who you are

23. What made you stop talking to the last person you cut out of your life? we just grew apart. neither one of us put effort in the friendship anymore

24. Is there a situation or person you haven’t been able to get over/forgive? not anymore, i’ve learned and moved on

25. Who was the last person to yell at you? Did you yell back? i havent been yelled at in a while.

26. Where did your last injury come from? no major injuries lately. the last one i can recall was when one of my kiddos rammed into my toes and my toe nail chipped off

27. What are some kinks or turn-ons you have, if any? uhhhh, neck kisses, dirty talk, nip play. hahahaha

28. What are you like during arguments? stubborn. haha. and i try to be right all the time.

29. What is the worst thing you have said to another person? they’re a b

30. Where do you like to be kissed? lips and neck

31. What is more difficult for you, looking into someones eyes when you are telling someone how you feel, or looking into someones eyes when they are telling you how they feel? the first one

32. Think of the last time you were REALLY angry. WHY were you angry? Do you still feel the same way? i was tired, sleep deprived, had a migraine from drinking too much. so i got upset at my boyfriend, but at least i knew not to say anything i’d regret to him. we talked about it the day after and we’re all good now.

33. You are on a flight from Honolulu to Chicago non-stop. There is a fire in the back of the plane. You have enough time to make ONE phone call. Who do you call? What do you tell them? if i wasnt already with my mom, then my mom. i’d tell her i love her and everyone else. i would want to hear her voice before i go.

34. You are at the doctor’s office and he has just informed you that you have approximately one month to live. Do you tell anyone/everyone you are going to die? What do you do with your remaining days? Would you be afraid? i’d tell those who are important to me first and spend as much time as i could with them.at first, i’d be afraid, but i know where i’m going so i’d just miss everyone more than anything

35. You can have one of the following two things. Which do you choose? Why? i dont see the choices

36. You are walking down the street on your way to work. There is a dog drowning in the canal on the side of the street. Your boss has told you if you are late even once more, you are fired. Do you take the time to save the dogs life? Why or Why not? i can’t see my boss saying that to me, but i’d do my best to save that dog

37. Would you rather be hurt by the one you trust the most or the one you love the most? well, essentially, they’re the same people so I’d end up getting hurt by both

38. Your best friend confesses that he/she has feelings for you more than just friendship. He/she is falling in love with you. What do you (or did you) do/say? my best friend is my boyfriend. haha

39. Think of the last person who you know that died. You have the chance to give them 1 hour of life back, but you have to give up one year of yours. Do you do it? Why or Why not? yes. I’d do that for my boyfriend so he’d be able to send one more hour with his grandpa

40. Are you the kind of friend that you would want to have as a friend? yes. haha

41. Does love = sex? not for everyone

42.Your boss tells your coworker that they have to let them go because of work shortage, and they are the newest employee. You have been there much longer. Your coworker has a family to support and no other means of income. Do you go to your boss and offer to leave the company? Why or Why not? honestly no. I also have financial things to take care of my own. I would very horrible, but i just can’t

43.When was the last time you told someone HONESTLY how you felt regardless of how difficult it was for you to say? Who was it? What did you have to tell the person? just shared my intimacy life with a guy friend on a long road trip. nothing too bad, but i dont really talk about stuff that personal to me. haha

44. What would be (or what was) harder for you to tell a member of the opposite sex, you love them or that you do not love them back? that i didn’t love them back or more so the feeling was not mutual

45. What do you think would be the hardest thing for you to give up? Why would it be hard to lose? my love for people. you can’t tell me to stop loving someone

46. Excluding romantic love, when was the last time you told someone you loved them. Who were they to you? my kiddos at work

47. If there was one moment and one time in the last month what would you change and why? honestly, i cant think of anything. not saying this last month was perfect, but it wasnt too bad

48.Imagine it is a dark night, you are alone, it is raining outside, you hear someone walking around outside your window. WHO do you wish was there with you? uhh, a wwe fighter. haha jk probably my boyfriend

49. Would you give a homeless person CPR if they were dying? Why or Why not? yes. i’d always to try save a life

50.You are holding onto your grandmother’s hand and the hand of a newborn that you do not know as they hang over the edge of a cliff. You have to let one go to save the other. Who do you let fall to their death? What was your rationale for making the decision? neither one of my grandmas are here

51. Are you old fashioned? in some ways

52. When was the last time you were nice to someone and did NOT expect anything in return for it? work. haha

53.Which would you choose, true love with a guarantee of a broken heart, or never loved at all? Why? how it is true love when there’s a broken heart?

54.If you could do anything or wish anything, what would it be? being able to travel anywhere and anytime

55. What was the last thing you ate? a chocolate chip muffin

56. What kind of guys are you usually attracted to? guys who are kind to others, athletic, and hott. haha. honest truth

57. What’s the stupidest thing that’s happened to you that ended a friendship? they drunk way to much and got on my nerves

58. What’s the longest amount of time you’ve had sex at a time? vcard stil here but when my boyfriend comes to visit, we get intimate about 2-3 time a day. hahahaha morning, mid day, and night. lol

59. What reality shows do you watch? not much. sometimes KUWTK here and there 60. Post a video of yourself here: no thank you

61. Where do you work? at a daycare

62. Have you ever gone up to a car thinking it was yours and tried to get in it? no i always check the plates

63. Where do you buy most of your clothes? tj maxx

64. If you were very intelligent and had the capability to have any profession, what would you like to be? teacher. haha

65. What’s your most irrational fear? use to be dolls. ahaha

66. How many radio stations do you listen to? i have about five saved on my car, but i dont really listen to the radio often. i usually just listen to my own music

67. What kind of music do they have? today’s top hits and Christian

68. Would you rather go to Greece or Hawaii? hawaii!!

69. Musicals: Yay or Nay? depends some yes some i’d pass

70. What are the next concerts you’ll be going to? i dont have any planned right now

71. What was the last conversation you had with your best friend about? the meeting we had

72. Are you one of those people that LOVE to hug others? nah, depends on the person but a quick hug is okay if we’re not that close, but if we are then sure, hug on!

#beautyindisguise00 #q&a #gettoknowme

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vernon-luv · 7 years

Text

Mr. Headphones Pt. 5 (Highschool AU)

word count: 1.6k

The next few days, Vernon seemed to get closer and feel a littler more comfortable around you. He seemed to have loosened up and finally spoke more than 5 words to you which is such a progress and a great surprise.

You enjoyed spending time with Vernon. It was also good because you guys got a lot done for your project.

People sometimes saw the two of you talking which was a surprise as well. Then again, there were bad times where people would start more rumours about you. Were you dating Vernon? Are you over Joshua? Are you cheating on Joshua? Is Joshua jealous of your relationship?

People just cant seem to keep their mouths shut. Vernon did not like the attention at all and tried his best to avoid it but you taught him to ignore what people said. He soon forgot as you guys would have deep conversations.

It just seemed like it was you and Vernon only, no one else. You liked the feeling, you’ve never felt that way with anyone else.

You could tune out the whole cafe just by listening to what Vernon had to say to you. Vernon was very comforting..this might be too much but he felt like home, like a close friend of yours.

“Y/N.” The serious tone voice called you from behind, snapping you back to reality and drew your attention away from Vernon.

You turned around to see Joshua looking down at you with a straight face. He gave one quick glare at Vernon before looking back at you.

Recently, you’ve been spending more time with Vernon than Joshua. Seeing Joshua, to not enjoy your happiness with another guy.

“It’s almost a week.” He reminded you. Suddenly your mood somewhat saddened as you looked down from Joshua’s eyes.

He puts a hand on your head, brushing the hair away from your face as his hand moves along the curve of your face, cupping your cheek. He kneeled down to your eye level.

“We talked about this remember? Also, I just talked to my dad and it seems that it won’t be announced until later.” Joshua lowered his voice.

You guessed that was a good thing..

You nodded, forcing a small smile and he did the same. He looked back at Vernon and you noticed him looking over your shoulder.

He looked back at you, into your eyes, looking for an answer as to if he should take you away from Vernon or not.

“I’ll meet with you after school.” You said and he nodded through he wished he could take you as far away from Vernon as he could.

Joshua leaves and you faced Vernon again. “I should go.” Vernon said, getting up, not feeling as special now.

“Don’t.” You told in a serious and commanding voice as you grabbed his hand, stopping him from further getting up from his seat.

He sees that you are very serious about him staying so he slowly sits back down. You knew the two for some reason did not like each other but you wished to have a good relationship with both guys.

“What were you talking about just earlier?” You asked, trying to see where you left off.

He scoffed. “Do you really care?”

“Why wouldn’t I? Just because Joshua was here for less than a second I forget about you? That’s not who things work Vernon.”

He mumbled something under his breath.

“Hm?” You said, not hearing him.”

“Nothing.” He was still facing away from you.   You took his headphones that were placed on the table in front of the two of you.

“Yah!” He yelled like the first time as you put them on.

“Now I’m you Mr. Headphones. What do you listen to? Can I listen to your music? What’s this?” You asked, taking his phone that was connected to the headphones. Being the noisy, annoying girl you were (since Vernon was being a stuck up boy), you check his playlist and played an interesting album you’ve never heard before.

Playing one of the songs, you tried to back away so that Vernon wouldn’t snatch the headphones like every other time he did.

It was good, the music. After a few seconds, your eyebrows knotted together, trying to figure out the voice the was rapping in the song.

“Is this you?” You asked him and he felt embarrassed but ground and said yes.

You were very shocked, not knowing he made his own music too. “You’re really good!” You exclaimed.

“Really?” He said in hopes that he really was. You nodded with a grin.

“Wow, can I listen to all of them?” You asked him. “Sure…I guess.” His music was what you liked.

You truly enjoyed listening to his songs.

Before you knew it, lunch was over so you had to hand his headphones and phone back.

“Do you have anymore?” How long have you been working on your music?”

“For about one or two years. And yeah, some on my computer at home.” He said with a smile, seeing how much you enjoyed his songs.

“Can you please send me the mixtape?”

He laughed at your request. “What?” You asked, not seeing what was funny.

“Do you really like them that much?”

“Yes!”

“Wow, no one’s ever been this excited about my songs. But then again, you always get too hyper about things you like.” How did he know that?

“I’ll send you the mixtape.” You smiled again and thanked him before heading to your next class, saying goodbye to the now happy Vernon.

—-

“Mr. Headphones.” You called him and he turns his head to where you called him. Immediately, you took of photo of him and smiled, looking at your phone.

He furrows his brows at you while he quickly walks over to you. You back up, making sure he doesn’t grab you phone.

“Why’d you do that?” He asked.

“Just because the view was nice. You look nice in too, don’t you?” You said, showing him the photo.

Vernon doesn’t say anything which you took it as a good thing. He takes the phone and before you could yell at him, he took of a photo of you. “Look at you, don’t you look beautiful.“ He repeated what I did with him.

He brings you closer to him, putting his hand around you and smiling as he took a picture of the two of you.

Vernon gave your phone back after teasing you.

"Let’s forget about the project today, we’re already ahead. I want to hang out.” He said, very straight forward.

“Yeah but I already brought my things.” You whined, feeling your bag get even heavier on your shoulders.

Vernon takes your bag from you as the two of you headed to his car. You went along with what Vernon wanted to do.

He was right, you were pretty ahead. Joshua and Seungcheol were much further ahead but you weren’t surprise nor did you care.

As long as you were doing well, it’s all that matters. You two decided to go to the park and walk around for a bit, taking in the fresh air.

You two talked about whatever came to mind. It was relaxing and it took your mind off all the stress from school and home.

The two of you sat down on the bench, looking out at the lake beside the park. The water was calming.

For a little while, there was a good silence between you two.

You let out a breath before moving to lay your head on Vernon’s lap since you felt that he was a bit uncomfortable since you two weren’t talking.

Once you rested your head on his lap, he was a little surprise but relax his body right after when you smiled and looked up at him.

“Can I just stay here…like forever? I don’t want to go home or go to school. I just want to get away.” You closed your eyes, speaking to Vernon.

“What’s wrong with your life? It seems prefect.”

You opened your eyes and looked at him crazy. “Do you not know who I am at school?!”

“I’m just waiting for senior year to be over with but..I still want ti to be a good year. I’m already so sick of everyone talking about me and Joshua. Once I graduate, it’ll be over. I won’t have to see anyone again.” Vernon felt sad about the las sentence.

He knew if nothing were to happen between the two of you, he’d never get to see you again after this school year was over.

You took another breath before getting yourself up. “Should we go?” You asked in a chirpy tone.

You smile brighten him up inside. Whatever Vernon felt, it was nice and warm. It reminded him of the feeling he had with you when the two of you were younger.

He knew now that he wanted to keep you in his life, he wanted you back in his life again.

Vernon could tell that you were still the same person you were before and he still loved it, he still loved you.

Vernon showed off a huge smile, something he hasn’t done in a while. You felt happier when you saw his smile. He really did have a nice, bright smile.

You would do your best to make him smile even more in the future, just to see him happy with you.

He started to chuckle a little as he fixed your messy hair. “You’re like a little puppy.”

You laughed. “What do you mean?” He kept stroking you hair after fixing it.

“You’re just cute, that’s all.”

#vernon #vernon scenario #vernon scenarios

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tellytantra · 4 years

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MayRa OS: The Love Trap You make the trap. But the fun begins when you find yourself trapped in the same. A text message appeared on her phone and she needn’t guess who it might be. She could imagine Rajiv smirking on the other side of the phone. I am working. She typed back and before he could make any calls, she put the phone in flight mode. She could pretend all she want but she was doing anything but ‘work’. Her eyes constantly going back to the burgundy colour envelope lying on her desk. And she needn’t guess what it might be. An invitation to the great Roy’s mansion for attending and engagement party. Rudra and Ananya's engagement party. She knew this was coming her way. After what happened that night. After she saw denial in his eyes right after he touched her with his heart. Right after she broke down because she was in denial too. She knew she’s not made for love. She was once, and she knew what it did to her. She cant be that her again. Feelings. Emotions. And mostly, getting involved with Rudra Roy to the point towards falling in love with him was uncalled for. And Maya Jaisingh finally found a hole in her full proof plan. She can’t fall for Rudra Roy. She was never supposed to. But now, she is. A knock over the door finally broke her from her trance as she saw Ananya and Rudra made their way inside. She maintained her grim face but the bright glow of happiness wasn’t amiss from Ananya's face. And Maya was sure, Ananya wouldn’t leave any chance to rub it on her face about the engagement. Maya ignored Ananya as her eyes desperately wanted to see Rudra, but she didn’t. “Well Maya, I hope you found the news of our engagement as I’ve already sent the invitation, but I wanted to invite you personally.” Ananya said cheerfully. She remained silent as she focused on her laptop and silently handed another printed spiral towards Ananya. “The next chapters. . .”. Her words ended right there. Ananya, as ever so excited to read the next chapters she made her exit almost immediately leaving behind Rudra with Maya. “You know what’s worse about a book Rudra?” she asked still not looking from her laptop. She felt him inch closer to her as she could feel his nervous breaths. “Half baked conclusions. They never give you the satisfaction regarding the end.” She finally looked at him. His eyes were red, probably with rage or he was crying, she was unsure. “What happened to you?” His rattled voice surprised her as she soulfully felt the underlying concern in his words. But it’s too late. Too damn late Rudra. Her fist tightened as she smiled at him. “causalities”, was all she managed to say. He knew she was playing with words. But he cannot ignore the bandage over her head and the red marks over her hands. Impatiently moving forward he pulled the chair she was sitting over and made her face him. “Ahh"! She yelped as his feet made contact with her injured leg. Rudra stiffened wondering what might have hurt her. “What happened Maya?” he asked again while trapping her over the chair. Then his fingers slowly inched closer to touch the bandage over her forehead. A touch was what she wanted to avoid and that’s what Rudra Roy can’t avoid? In an unspringing move she threw his hands away. “I realised I am a dead end for you too Rudra. I saw it in your eyes. And I can’t give you something you don’t want. Emotions, apparently aren’t free for me. They cost me my feelings.” she whispered and got up. She stumbled across the floor as she took a few steps and he didn’t miss the change in her attire. She didn’t wear heels. That was replaced with black flats. He could notice a bandage wrapped around her left foot too. That was the last straw for him. He can’t anymore with his concerns for her and so he stopped her. Not by words but by literally dragging her away from the exit door and pressing her over the wall behind her. The sudden change in his mood baffled her too. She was unprepared for this. She was unprepared for many things Rudra Roy did to her. Like being comfortable with his touch. Revealing more of her when she should be masking herself. And most importantly letting her self control shatter in that single kiss. And as she looked into the depth of his eyes, she couldn’t think of anything other than the moment they shared under a pink sky. Rudra couldn’t take his eyes off her. She showed no sign of struggle as he trapped her against the wall. It was the first time after that night he saw her. And now that he’s seeing her realized how of he missed. She didn’t call him. And after two days she showed up at the office today, injured. He couldn’t just wrap his head around the reasons. What exactly had happened to her? “Why didn’t you tell me Maya, that you were hurt? I hoped you will at least talk to me!” “we should tell things only when the other one is ready to listen Rudra. And you didn’t hope. You just assumed and made your conclusions. You don’t have to care about what happened to me!” regret washed over him as he finally realized how she must have been hurt. He did remember the crackling of a glass and he did remember how he ran out of her place. She must have stepped on those glass pieces while trying to go after him. That’s all he could assume for now. And all that mattered to him right now was the hurt he saw in her eyes for which he was responsible. “I .. I am sorry May. . .” “Congratulations Rudra, for your engagement.” She said as she finally made her way out of the office leaving behind a devastated Rudra. Was that hurt in her voice? Was that sadness in her smile as she congratulated him? He doesn’t doubt that she feels otherwise but what will he do now? How will he ever going to make up for that? How will he face Ananya afterwards? His one rushed decision is going to mess with three lives entirely and all he could do is watch it happen helplessly. He has given his words to Ananya and now he can’t back off. Frustrated with himself he punched the wall. ▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎▪︎ Maya Jaisingh thought she could handle it. It would have been easier if he’d have accepted whatever happened that night to be a mistake. But he doesn’t and all of his worried voice and painful eyes are making her way more vulnerable. So she just ran away from him. . . “The hell are you doing here Rajiv?” she asked irritated as soon as she spotted her best friend and the co-conspirator, happily munching over a paratha made by her mother. “Taking care of mom.” He said, as he took another bite and earned another glare from the mother and daughter duo. “Okay okay! Let me finish.” He said and kept giving her sloppy smiles. Looking at their antics Nandini made her way inside leaving behind Maya and Rajiv. “Stop playing with my mind Rajiv. And this is the last time I am telling you.” Maya warned Rajiv to which he just smiled. “I am not playing anything M. You are playing with your mind. What is it I saw? Desperation? Or despair? Come on M. Just admit it you love him.” He kept on saying. “I can’t love him Rajiv, you know it better.” “Its only when you learn to love again you can let yourself with the chance of healing. Enough is enough M. I want you to heal.” “a heart that has healed can’t finish what I have started. I can’t heal, I can’t give myself that chance yet.” She told Rajiv with a tone of finality in her voice. “And you are saying all this because you are worried for your brother.” “You can’t imagine how much I am worried about you than I am about him M. You deserve happiness and I believe Rudra is the one who is capable of everything you deserve.” “I know what I deserve Rajiv. Now leave me alone.” She said and she made her way upstairs. Rajiv took the sofa, flipping through the tabs on his ipad and smiled as he stared at a particular footage of this house. An hour later as she got down the stairs in a deep black bodycon dress and stone studded flats, he couldn’t say anything else but stare at her agape. “So the revenge queen of MJ empire is back to action? I don’t understand what you’re planning M. And when you dress like that, I hear sirens from all over the world.” Rajiv said being in the same attire as before, showing no interest in whatever the event she’s going to attend. “I need to get him out of my system. I need to see him get engaged right in front of my eyes. I need to see that the story he started in my heart to be finished entirely.” “You think you can handle that?” “you know what I have survived.” A long silence prevailed in the room. Rajiv was silent and finally he shrugged as if he’s done convincing her. She left afterwards missing the smirk that played on his face. At Roy Mansion Ananya was getting ready for her engagement. It was like a dream coming into reality in the most bizarre way. She had never expected Rudra to run towards her, seeking comfort in her and finally telling her that he wants to spend the rest of his life with her. She wanted nothing more than that. “Anu are you ready?” Diya walked in as she saw Ananya in front of the mirror. “a few more minutes and I am done.” Ananya called out and told Diya not to wait for her. As she was about to leave a notification alerted her. She checked upon her phone. There was a media file from an unknown person. She touched the open button and the media played in front of him. What she saw shattered the floor beneath her feet. As soon as the video ended it was deleted without a trace. She shouldn’t have seen this. She shouldn’t have opened this. Her perfect moment cannot be spoiled by this. But as much she tried to convince herself she can’t pull herself to go downstairs and continue whatever that was planned for the evening. Downstairs, Rudra Roy was unusually silent. MJ noticed this as he ever so happily interacted with some of his guests. He was unsure why Rudra took such a step. Rudra was unusually drinking shots after shots, and that's how Maya noticed him standing behind a corner. She flinched at the sight. She was hoping to see him smiling. She was hoping to see him cheerful with Ananya. She was hoping bear all the burdens of her broken heart all alone. But all his actions are clearly telling her that he’s hurt too. That he’s pretending too. She was here to loose all the shattered pieces of her heart so that they could never be mend again. But she didn’t expect to see him shatter the same way as hers. The cheerfulness of the party hall died down and a silence washed over the place as all eyes turned to the woman coming downstairs. Ananya looked elegantly beautiful in a peach color lehnga wit matching accessories as she took slow steps down. Antara went to her side and brought her down from halfway towards the centre of the hall. Later she dragged Rudra in the middle of the hall too. MJ took the mic in his hand as he greeted everyone and thanked them for being a part his sons happiness. As soon as he introduced Ananya to crowd, her face fell. She struggled to react as if she was stunned with something. Rudra didn’t fail to notice this. He straight away asked her what is wrong with her. Ananya looked him in the eye and shook her head... “I... I can’t do this Rudra.” She said with her lips trembling. Stunned with her reply Rudra tried to shook her as he touched her by her arms. “Listen Anu if you are doing some silly joke or taking revenge for all the time I’ve annoyed you, stop it.” “I am not joking Rudra.” She repeated herself. Whatever she said finally started sinking in him and he froze. “Anu why. . .”! All he could manage is a question. “You should better ask yourself Rudra! Why? I am not getting engaged to you Rudra Roy.” She said loudly and hastily made her exit from the hall. Rudra was too shocked to react. But there was someone else who was shocked too. Maya wasn’t expecting to witness this as well. She too made her exit from the mansion before anyone could notice her. When she reached home, Rajiv was still there with his tab open. She could take a clear look at the party from the Roy mansion. Rage filled her eyes as she stomped inside and pulled Rajiv by his collar. She pushed him against the wall, making him drop the tablet as she held him his throat. Even with struggle Rajiv smiled. “How dare you?” His smile only and only infuriated her further as she kicked him in the knee. Rajiv gasped in pain. “from now on, you only do what I will be asking you to do. And if you disobey, you will know where I have kept all your secrets Rajiv. I won't hesitate . . .” She hissed in his ear. “I . . . Don't care. . . what you do with my secrets M. I want you to be happy.” As soon as those words leaves his lips, Maya stopped and succumbed to the floor. Rajiv slides down too, resting his back on the wall and stared at his best friend. “what made Ananya say no?” She asked in her sharp voice. “Balcony isn’t the perfect place to kiss M. Not when you have CCTV cameras in every angle of your flat.” He smiled again, and patted her on the shoulder. “you two are just broke. You deserve each other. Accept it or deny it, you can’t deceive yourself for long.” Rajiv squeezed her arm before finally getting out of her house. And Maya was clueless about her next plan for the first ever time after eight years of this planning. . . BitterBerry

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jamieloveharris · 5 years

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four words.

“there’s no heartbeat today. i’m so sorry.”

those four words. the weight they hold and the heartbreak they bring. you just don’t think it will happen to you, especially not two times in a row. that’s not how our God works right? he won’t put us through this again. what did we do to deserve this? why us? why can teenagers get pregnant on accident who don’t even want the baby and people who couldn’t want it more have to suffer like this? it just seems so unfair. i understand how unhealthy it is to think this way, but it’s also just the reality of the situation and the real thoughts you have. it’s hard to find a starting point to talk about this because emotionally, you’re all over the place. sadness, anger, confusion, unfairness, bitterness, selfish, devastated. it’s hard to compartmentalize how you feel when you feel so many different things all at once. you’re never taught how to deal with grief and honestly, i think we all deal with it very differently. and there’s not a right or wrong way.

let me back up and start from the beginning. writing has always been an outlet for me (not that I do it much, but in my head I’ve written a ton ;) ) . I don’t know that it’s the right time to share our story, but is there ever? i feel like miscarriage is a topic that’s not talked about enough because it’s just hard. what do you say to someone dealing with it? how do you deal with it if you’re the one going through it? why does it happen? why can’t they give me an answer? a lot of times i think as humans, we avoid hard discussions because it’s just easier. and i know i’m guilty of that a hundred times over but now that i’m in this position, it’s become more important to be open about it even if it’s hard and even if it’s very raw emotion. chris & i knew we wanted kids quickly after we got married. we weren’t trying super hard, but we weren’t not trying either. when we found on february 7th, i was in complete shock and even more excitement. waiting for him to get home that day truly felt like the longest day of my life because i had to keep it to myself alllll day long (like literally from about 9am until 8pm when he got home from a work event). we had plans to go to the Biltmore Estate the next day and all weekend we couldn’t stop talking about it. planning out our future, and how the rest of 2019 would look. there’s just no words to explain it. fast forward a week and all of our plans were shattered just that quick. Sorry for TMI, but I started bleeding and hurting, and didn’t stop. I knew what was happening right away. I went to the dr as soon as I could and it was true. we weren’t going to have a baby anymore. you truly feel like your heart is ripped right out of you. we only knew a WEEK, but the love you develop that quickly for a child you’ve never met cannot be explained. you just instinctively make every decision from the moment you find out to do what’s best for your child. then it’s gone. it was confirmed on valentines day and the next 5-7 days were just pure hell in all honesty. physically and emotionally. you don’t know what to say or do or think. you also realize how common it is, and for all the stories you’ve heard of those people you know, and those you don’t who have gone through this, you realize you are now one of them. i TRULY believe that unless you have actually gone through it you cannot understand. you can empathize, hurt for someone, be unbelievably sad and sorry for them, but you cant fully understand. and i say that from experience of having so many friends and/or family go through it. you say all the right things but it doesn’t help. yes, you know “it’ll be okay one day,” and “i’m so sorry, we’re thinking of you”, and you do appreciate all of the love and support you get but you’re also just so sad.

fast forward again to march 22. we were close to closing on a new house and moving. i had not had a cycle yet, but that wasn’t abnormal since it can take your body 4-6 weeks to get back to “normal.” I had a pregnancy test in the closet from last time and just randomly took it. I really don’t know why and had exactly zero reasons to think i was pregnant. i put it down and started packing and kind of forgotten i had taken it. i walked back in and almost fell out on the floor. there was NO WAY. I mean, not a chance right? pregnant?!? I hadn’t even had a cycle and it had just been a few weeks. google, google, google. okay it can happen. what the WHAT? gosh we are so blessed, God knew i needed something to keep me going. these are the thoughts you have. again, i had to wait for chris to get home. i laid it on the table and when he looked at it, i actually got kind of upset because he thought i was lying and playing a joke on him (for reference: this would never be a funny joke to anyone, EVER. please dont try and do aprils fools jokes about pregnancy.) he’s like, we have to go to the store right now and buy 10 more tests, this can’t be right, it’s probably “leftover” from last time (lol, good try but no). so we went and it was true. i immediately called the dr and scheduled an appointment because I needed extra confirmation. and it was true, we were having a baby! due the week of thanksgiving. how THANKFUL are we? the holidays are amazing enough, but with a new baby? what a blessing.

you go through a lot of anxiety after you come down from the high. every day you’re nervous. every day you think you’re going to lose it again. every time you go to the bathroom you pray you’re not bleeding. you want to enjoy it and soak it all up, but you also want to protect yourself from heartbreak again. i didn’t tell many people. i wouldn’t even let chris tell his mom or sister because I didn’t want to “jinx” it. sounds crazy and I get that, but you truly try and do anything you can to make sure it doesn’t happen again. you know that doesnt really prevent it but you just can’t help it. then it happens, and all of your worst fears come true again. it was last thursday afternoon and again, i started bleeding but just a little. and no pain. i was terrified and called the dr immediately and said I need to come in today. i don’t care what has to happen but i just need to know everything is okay. it wasn’t okay. i rushed there as quickly as I could. they tried to find the heartbeat on the doppler from the outside of my stomach but i was early still, almost 11 weeks, so she wasn’t concerned at all since you normally can’t hear it externally yet anyway. i saw a dr (not my normal one) - she checked me and said my cervix was completely closed and i was most likely completely fine, “sometimes pregnant women just bleed.” WHEW, WE’RE OKAY. then i went to ultrasound feeling pretty optimistic. i felt so silly rushing down there because i was totally fine right. they tried to find the baby from the outside but my uterus is tilted so it was blocking it. they did a vaginal ultrasound and then i heard the four words. i was in shock. I didn’t say anything for probably 30 seconds and even then, i just cried. she took me back to the drs office and we just cried together for a long time. i just couldn’t believe it was real. but we had to talk about next steps and I had to have a D&C. it was late in the afternoon and scheduling was gone for the day so i would have to wait until monday. i couldn’t imagine waiting 4 days knowing what was going on inside of me but i didn’t have a choice. i dont even remember driving the hour home. i just cried. first thing friday i called scheduling and thankfully they were able to get me in that afternoon. it sounds very harsh, but i couldn’t help but feeling like i just wanted it out of me. i couldnt deal with the pain i had last time all weekend. i couldnt deal with the mental side of it for 4 days. and in just a few hours, i’m getting wheeled back into surgery and 11 minutes later, there is no longer a baby inside of me. and then in another hour, we’re on the way home and it’s just back to normal life but no more holiday baby, and no more telling everyone the good news. mother’s day is this weekend, and we had planned to tell chris’ mom. we COULDNT WAIT. just the night before I miscarried, i got on etsy and ordered cute little “big cousin” shirts for my nieces and nephew.they came in today. i can’t bring myself to open them, so i just put them in the closet. i was starting to feel a little less anxious last week, because i was so close to being out of the first trimester. i just knew it was going to be okay this time and all that we had hoped for was going to happen.

i wish this was a happy ending, inspiring post on why to not give up. i wish i could say the things like, “we now understand why we had to go through all of this pain,” or “all the heartbreak was worth it for our miracle”, and the list goes on. i’m not there. I don’t understand why. It doesn’t make sense to me right now. what I can say is that ONE DAY, i do think it will, and i do think we’ll be able to say those words but that day is not today. i think so often when people share their stories, it’s after they’re healed (as much as you can heal after something like this), and they have a happy story to report. i think it’s so important to understand there is an in between period as well and that it’s okay to not be okay in that time. i truly don’t know what’s next. i can’t say that we will ever be able to tell that happy story with certainty. i do hope & pray every day we can but the truth is that i don’t know. i’ve found myself almost feeling guilty for sharing this, because so many couples go through so much more and still may not have their miracle. so many have 10 miscarriages, and spend thousands and thousands on IVF, and their bodies are basically a needle cushion from all of the shots, and their life revolves around trying to create a life that they so badly want and here we are, having suffered through 2 miscarriages and i am writing like we’ve had it so bad.on the flip side, the truth is that a loss is a loss. whether it’s one baby when you were 6 weeks pregnant, or 8 babies when you were 12 weeks pregnant, the heartache is the same. i am so so sorry for all of those women who have gone through this, for those who are currently going through it, and for those who will go through it in the future. you are not alone.

i was so nervous to reach out and share with people, even those i know had gone through it. i can’t explain how much it helps to just talk about it and allow someone to listen to you, even if they don’t have the words to comfort you or make it better. truthfully, nothing will make it better except maybe time. maybe this time next month i’ll be a little less sad, maybe i won’t cry when i think about it. but maybe i will - and that’s okay too.

for whatever reason i also feel like it’s important for me to say that i’m choosing to share this because i hope that maybe just one person will read it, and feel encouraged to talk about what they’re going through or know that people do love you, and are always there for you even when you feel like you couldn’t be more alone. if there is someone experiencing what I have, I hope they’ll reach out and I hope that I can pay it forward to someone what so many have done for me during these last few months. i can say with 100% fact that you are truly not going through this by yourself and no one should ever have to. i could never put into words how thankful i am for my support system and those who have known about this journey and who have checked in on me everyday, and prayed for us, and cried with us. it does not go unnoticed. so if you have been a part of that this far - thank you :)

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wolfguy13-blog · 7 years

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Aftermath of the party? it’s time to change my priorities.

So. How are you doing? I’m peachy. Typing this out at 12:45am on a Wednesday night might give you a hint about what’s coming or maybe im just being extra? hmph. On Halloween I had a busy day starting with getting some tasks done like laminating my new board game, exploding kittens, and getting my convocation photos taken. the lamination I found out later that day, wasn’t able to be done due to the type of cards they were and so I ordered sleeves to put them in. The convocation photos made me super nervous. I had gotten my hair done by the barber at the university and she told me to come to her before my photos so she could style my hair for me which I thought was extremely sweet of her! I went to get my photos taken and nervously put on my gown and got my photoshoot done. some came out nicely and some not too great, but I only saw the pixelated and darker versions so maybe the actual ones will be better.

Once that was done, I went to law class without both my law buddies being there and then I caught the bus to masonville mall and went to the beer store and bought two cans of energy drinks(which I never drank that day) and caught the bus home. I showered, got my superman/clark kent costume on and left for the party. I got to the party at the same time as one of my friends from the jsa, who definitely gave me attention and enjoyed hanging out with me. As soon as we entered, the president guessed my costume as Harry Potter. I laughed and told him he was wrong. Lucky for him I really like HP so it wasn’t too bad. Guess what he was? A banana. yes. A banana. He literally wore a banana suit over his shirt and shorts. yes shorts to a party, and yes my inner fashion police was judging him hard haha.

Anywho, I didn’t spend too much time with him personally because he was giving everyone attention as a host so at the end of the day i’m still unsure whether or not to invite him to my birthday party. He is stuck in that spectrum from friend and good friend and I don’t like that because it’s such an annoying place to be and I never know how to change someone’s status from casual to friend to an actual friend. The problem is also that he’s super nice, and hasn’t done anything wrong. Like either go up the scale and hang out with me or do something stupid to make me dislike you so I can move on from the uncomfortable friendship spectrum. ugh. I mostly hung out with several people besides him and I had fun playing card games and exploding kittens without him as he was socializing with everyone. Like I get it, being a host, you can’t just give me attention so I’ll let this slide. But, now i’m definitely still wondering what to do with this lost soul. We did that cool bro handshake before I told him I had fun at the party and thanks for inviting me. too much? Won’t be surprised if it was. Anyways, I went outside with a bunch of my jsa friends and we froze waiting for the bus. But, I actually had a lot of fun chatting with those guys and cracking jokes. And, then the bus finally arrived, I said my goodbyes as I left at my stop and went home where my later my roomie took the most wicked ass photos of me in my costume - which everyone liked, including those I literally added at the party and yes you guessed it - the jsa president didn’t like it. Atleast not yet, but 24 hours later the odds fall below so what the fuck is he doing is out of my understanding. Also, also, also, I saw him on my bus tonight when I was going back from Aikido. I was too tired to say hi and I think he didn’t see me and was wearing his headphones too so idk man. I thought about it in the few minutes i was on the bus to go say hi but then so many people came into the bus, it seemed like a struggle. I would also like to mention my feelings for him to move along the spectrum is because I hate this phase where you can’t really be actual friends and you need time for a friendship to grow. Like it would’ve made some difference if I said hi today cause apparently the more you see someone the more you like them so idk. Also, the odds are since I wanted him to be my ‘friend’ the world will not work that way. Maybe If i play hard to get, the world will throw him towards me. Atleast that how I note things usually happen. But enough is enough, he can do whatever but i’m not wasting my time with this anymore. After I got my grades back I need to re-evaluate everything.

Yes, i was being sad that this term was over and gave my midterms without ant emotions attached which was unusual since I get super anxious. I got a 60 in Law, a 57.5 in Strategic Management, and a 77 in psychology. I fucked up in the first 2. theres still a chance for me to bring it up since their compositions werent too high but its still a good reality check for me to get my shit together. After dancing my heart out to Old-school Taylor Swift, I don’t feel too upset and I’m officially ready to get my priorities straight.

Maybe I got such grades for a reason. It’s high time I focus what I came here to do and stop wasting time with nonsensical thinking. This is almost as bad when I suffered infatuation and its heartbreak in first year over a girl. I told myself and everyone who would listen I wouldn’t do it again, and now I did something similar for the stupid... - I cant even call him stupid because he’s so nice. fuck. whatever, stupid me for thinking of him so much. End verbal diarrhoea. Hope your guys halloween went well too! Just got to get through the rough days in life. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I’m not giving up yet,

#sliceofm #sorry for the rant #allidoisrant #halloween #exams #priorities #student #friendship #pain #fun #long post #latenite

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life2bedetermined-blog · 7 years

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Failure is not an option.

When I say that I don’t mean that I don’t believe I can fail. I know now that when making your way through life and especially when embarking on a new journey, you’re going to stumble and fall plenty of times before you succeed. It’s part of the process. What I am now determined to do is continue getting back up and pushing forward. I can’t keep quitting at everything I do.

With that being said, I needed some time to regroup after that interaction on Thursday. I still can’t believe the way Danny spoke to me about the networking event. I did everything in my power to make it to the event. I had an excruciatingly painful conversation with my father because I broke down and asked him to borrow some money. As per usual we dragged my whole history through the mud and after plenty of tears and yelling, he cut me a check for $300, not letting me forget about the “loan” note written on the bottom. I was appreciative and I didn’t want him to change his mind, so I stuck through it. And vowed to myself, AGAIN, that I wouldn’t let things get this bad again. I had to work myself into the ground to fix my finances and I was ready to do it. So even though I had already sent Danny a text that day about not being able to make it to the real estate networking event the following night, I decided that with some cash in my hand I could make it happen. And made a mental note to text him in the morning to let him know I would be there.

The next day I got up early. I got Josiah to school on time and I made sure to already be dressed and made up so that I could start driving Uber early. I was going to pick Josiah up directly from school later so I had to be back by 2:15 the latest. I drove for a couple of hours, stopped for gas, continued, went to cash my check so that I could pay off a few small debts and then if I still had time I would keep driving until 2.

I made it back on time, made sure to refresh my face so that I could head back to the salon after picking up Josiah to finish my manicure. I couldn’t go to my first networking event with terrible nails.

After all my errands, I ended up leaving my house around 5. I figured since I was going in the opposite direction of traffic, I should be arriving by the latest 6:15. I had already let Cheryl know I was on the way. So I loaded Josiah back in to the car, and since we already stopped and got us something to eat after I got him from school, I just headed into the city. I realized that the traffic was heavier than I had expected by the time I got on the highway, but somehow I still ended up at the daycare by 3 minutes before 6. I figured, Sandy Springs to Buckhead wasn’t that far, and when I pulled up my destination on Google Maps, at first it said 20 minutes. But after another couple of seconds of loading, that number changed from 20 to 45. And I had to brace myself because after all of that effort, I had to accept that I was still going to be certifiably late. But I had already come this far. Josiah was already dropped off, even if I didnt stay long I had to make it down to this venue, even if it was just to show my face. So I cut on some music and started on my way.

The traffic was infuriating. My anxiety levels were through the roof but I was more determined than ever to keep it together. I had to learn how to succeed in this new industry I had chosen, I had no room for a backup option anymore.

I felt like I had everything with me: my business cards, a pen, something to write on if I needed to take down someone’s information. My face was still done, I had already eaten. So my purse was just on the chair next to me. I finally arrived and saw the valets up front circling everyone around, I decided my car was a little too poor looking for valet today and I definitely didn’t have money to spare for a tip later, so I decided to go to the self parking section in the back. I took a deep breath and grabbed my things, and headed into the restaurant. I sent Danny a quick text letting him know I was there and hoped to God I wouldn’t have to pay the cover charge just because I was late.

I got in pretty easily and started walking around. I was super nervous, I had never done anything like this before. I’m pretty sure anyone who looked at me saw a deer in headlights. I waved to a few people and started looking around hoping to find someone in my team to get some kind of direction.

I decided to go to the bar. I needed a buffer, something to hold in my hand at least to make me not look so nervous. I was also hoping the liquor would ease my nerves a bit and make introducing myself to complete strangers a little bit easier.

I glanced at the menu for a bit and decided to go with a classic mojito. I didn’t know much about the bar scene so I wanted to be play it safe. As I started searching my purse for my wallet to pay for my drink, I realized it wasn’t there. So I immediately left the bar and went to my car, hoping to God that my wallet was in there.

I texted Joe, panicking, letting him know that I think I lost my wallet. And of course, it wasn’t in the car. So I sat there for a second, holding back tears as I thought about my next move.

I had to go back home. I know I didnt take my wallet out at the daycare because I didnt have to pay them until I got back. So the only other place it could be if it wasnt completely lost, was at my house, because I could have left it on the bed by accident when I was switching bags. I went back inside to hopefully find Denny or someone else on the team to let them know I had to go. Cheryl was calling me, so I frantically picked up as I headed back inside. “I’m right near the entrance here with Derron,” she said. I spotted her right away and walked in their direction. “Hey,” I said nervously, “ I’m so sorry but I just realized I lost my wallet on my way here, I’m going to have to leave.”

“Are you sure you don’t want to stay for a while? You just got here, didn’t you?” Cheryl looked at me like I was crazy. “No, I cant, I left my son in a childcare center in Sandy Springs and that’s an hour away. You know I live in Hiram, so I have to go all the way back home to see if my wallet is there as soon as possible because the longer I wait, the more I’ll have to pay the babysitter. And I’m low on cash, so if my wallet is lost I’m really screwed. I have to go sort this out before it gets too late. Tell Danny I’m sorry.”

“I will,” she said.

“Shit happens,” Derron said, “go make sure you take care of business.”

“Thanks guys,” I said as I walked away, “I’ll see you Saturday.”

I kept cursing at myself as I left. How could I make it all the way here without realizing I didn’t have my wallet. I needed things to start getting better and fast.

I figured Cheryl would let Danny know what happened, so I didn’t bother texting him right away. Saturday training was only two days away and if I needed to explain any further, I would do it then.

I called Joe and started rambling on and on about how frustrated I was, as I drove home in a panic.

As soon as I got in my apartment I started searching frantically for my wallet. It wasn’t on my bed, or in the kitchen, or in the living room. I sat down for a second on my bed to take a breather. If I really lost my wallet outside of my apartment, I would go nuts! I just borrowed money from my dad, what would it look like if I had to go back to him and say, “yea I spent half of that money on bills already but what I do have left I lost in my wallet and now I need help again.” Absolutely not. I would rather die. I had to start fighting back tears again because I was about to have a nervous breakdown. I stared at the floor and low and behold, there it was. My wallet was on the floor by the window. It must have flew out of my bag earlier when I grabbed everything in a rush. I let out a deep sigh and immediately texted Cheryl. “I found it, it was on the floor at home,” I texted. “Whew,” she said. Then I sent Joe an identical text letting him know I was now obligated to drive back to Sandy Springs to get Josiah, as it was now already 8:30pm.

As I made my way back into the city, driving a lot less frantic now, because of course there was less traffic, I thought about how I let this happen. I needed a moment to breathe. I couldn’t sit down and focus properly on doing everything Denny wants me to do to build a business, if I’m spending every waking moment, driving the streets of Atlanta, trying to collect every dollar so I can put food on the table. I wasn’t even succeeding at that; I hadnt gone actual grocery shopping in at least 3 weeks. I was drowning in my bills and I could no longer be too proud to admit that I was doubting my choice to do this. Maybe I would’ve been better off if I stayed at Coke, I thought to myself. I clearly couldn’t keep up with Denny and his millionaire friends.

I picked up Josiah and the price was 38 dollars. So between gas and babysitting, I ended up spending 50 bucks tonight for really nothing. I didn’t get a chance to mix and mingle with the movers and shakers in Atlanta Real Estate, and I spent more money I didn’t have, all to show my dedication to someone who had yet to pay me a dime in the 2 months I have been in business with him, I was tired. And I needed a break from reality. As I drove home on 285 West, I called Joe. I remembered he said he was going to a friend’s graduation party Friday night, and I was hoping I’d be able to tag along. At the very least, I could get some drinks in my system that wasn’t cheap wine from the alcohol aisle at Target.

“Sure you can come, I’m supposed to be heading there around 9. I’ll probably go straight from work, so you’ll have to meet me on the east side.”

“I’ll make it happen,” I said. “I need to get out of the house. I’m tired of doing the same things every weekend, especially when Josiah’s gone.”

“The more the merrier,” he said. And we continued talking as I got closer to my exit. I ended up having to stop for gas. All the driving I had done today caught up to me. So I pulled over, still on the phone with Joe, for gas. Josiah was knocked out in the back of the car, and I looked down at my phone to see what time it was. I got a text back from Denny.

“Really?? I didnt even see you?!”

I quickly texted back and explained what happened.

“Next time something like that happens, you come find me first! Got it??

“I definitely will,” I said, “I was able to find Cheryl and she said she would let you know what happened.” Denny didn’t text back after that.

I immediately told Joe what happened. I couldn’t understand why Denny was so upset, I did show up. I just didn’t expect to lose my wallet. I wasn’t gonna wait and see how Denny could help me when the longer I stayed there the more money I would have to pay the babysitter when I finally did find my wallet. And I couldn’t play with time because I was already limited on funds.

I was shocked. I was determined to clear things up with Denny on Saturday. I needed to know why he came at me like he had money riding on my success. Because if he did, I needed a cut. I’m suffering out here. Putting loads of wear and tear on my already-old car just so I can barely make ends meet. I can admit that I underestimated the time it could take me to make money starting out in this business and I was paying for it. I was hoping and praying for small deposits from Uber everyday just to get through the week, and I’m behind on all my bills. It would help immensely just to get $1,000 from Denny, and I know it wouldn’t hurt his pockets in the least. Not the way he talks so casually about spending tens of thousands of dollars on books. I just needed to work up the bravery to ask. Especially if he was clearly so emotionally invested in my success. What did I have to lose?

Tomorrow would be a better day. I needed to get my head together.

I went home, put Josiah to bed and went to sleep myself. I still wanted to start my day early to make up for lost time. Plus Josiah was spending the weekend with grandma so when I got home later I would have some time to think.

I dropped off Josiah in the morning at school, and went driving immediately after. I remembered I had to work on illustrations for Bobby, so I made a note to head home around lunch time, so I could knock those out before rush hour. I had to show Denny that I was trying my best. I couldn’t hint at him sliding me any money if I had nothing to show for it.

But I was so overwhelmed. As soon as I got home I knew I didn’t want to go right back out. I lit up and lied down for a while. I needed to let my mind rest

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