#he's just- he just goin thru some stuff okay

[erregiulydraws]

#pokemon #pokemon scarlet and violet #kieran pokemon #the teal mask #played the dlc and now my switch screenshot gallery is full of pictures of kieran #it really made me want to draw him making that one face haha #that said he is my son and i love him #he's just- he just goin thru some stuff okay #leave him alone

[popponn]

Hihi, im the same anon that loves ur page!!

the froggys are seriously silly :)

Anyways, can i request some hcs abt bllk boys with a reader who's going thru a depressive episode? im just goin thru stuff rn, if u can't its fine.

So, hows ur day been?

I hope you're well

have a great day! <33

byebye💖

notes: anonnie;;; i hope you are feeling better when you finally read this;;; this took so long, im sorry. i have been busy and there are lot of things going on, but i am fine thank you for asking :> and hey, a depressive episode could be tough. but you got this! okay? try to take it slow and step by step, drink water, eat food, and move around a bit. a light walk or a stretch is okay. like how the clouds always change, things will change. i hope reading this could give you a little happiness, especially when you need it.

isagi

if you are looking for someone who will listen and give practical advice without dismissing your feelings or concerns, honestly he is the one. especially as a boyfriend, you can trust him to be the one who will sit beside you on the sofa while wrapping you in the blanket. will ask you what you want to eat and the moment you decide to fight the cold hard life back, don’t worry, your isagi yoichi will be your #1 supporter! especially if you guys have spent more time in the relationship, he really is good at balancing giving comfort while still giving you trust to walk on your own. though he sometimes couldn’t 100% understand your point of view, but the sincerity in his effort to be always there for you is no joke. he promised every part of him he could give to you and he means every word of it.

bachira

who hurt his baby—he will fight it. somehow. he has this odd sixth sense when it comes to you. just with a glance, he will immediately get how down you feel and what you need. a joke and a cheer up along with many kisses? coming right up. a listener who will hug you like a koala? do you want to do that while cuddling in the bed or in public in front of his friends because he won’t hesitate honestly. just say what you want—if he must eat a cake messily like 5 year old to make you laugh then so be it. will get you out for recreation the moment he could and if he couldn’t that means it’s time for his creativity to shine (and boy does it always shine). but if the one that makes you feel down is someone, bachira is not one for violence but he could you know. if you want. (please stop him.)

rin

if you don’t cry, at best he will be an awkward listener—but a good listener nonetheless. if you cry, though, honestly he will panic. this guy is already not good with his own emotions, so you need to be clear about what you want with him. he is not the best with words though, and advice he offers is usually either “let me just fix this for you” or a straight up detached, objective one that is better offered to someone with a cool head and controlled emotion. therefore, more often than not, he opts to just listen and hold your hand. he will try to help, though, and if he can’t—at the very least you will get a really menacing guard dog who won’t let anyone mess with you while you are trying to get up. (also, go tell him to buy something. his credit card is ready and feeling like he is doing something for you is good for the both of you.)

sae

itoshi gene is harsh and he is somehow worse than his brother in this scenario. he is a naturally critical person towards anything. if you are ready to get your fault pointed out and think up a “what can i do to make this better or avoid this from happening again” go to him, but if you are looking for someone who will listen or give validation, as much as you love him, don’t. him and a terrible headspace is not a good combination. however, a direct “can you hug me?” or a “can you do something for me?” is not completely out of the question—he, after all, still cares about you. high chance he won’t ask, especially if you said you don’t want to say anything, but in this situation the softer part of him who has a hard time saying no to you truly comes out. a movie night, even if it involves the goddamned fries, would happen. he is smart enough to know when to spoil you, especially since he knows your habits and tendencies by heart.

kunigami

the sort of person who sees a hint of gloom on your face and immediately cradles it with a tenderness that no one would expect from someone with his build. he is a good, caring person by nature, if you are looking for someone to help you, he is the best choice. he can be clumsy sometimes and the words he gives to cheer you up have a high chance of being uttered with a lot of pauses in the middle—but the way he acts will probably be enough to bring a smile to your face again (and he will also smile along with you when this happen because by god you are his happiness). all those aside, high chance he can’t give advice, but he will give you top-notch cheering up—words, actions, cuddles, everything—along with genuine validation. (especially after wild card, he has seen hell. “feeling terrible” is something he understands a lot.)

kaiser

for this one i won’t sugarcoat it: jesus christ. why. is there no one else?

jokes aside, as i love to bully him a bit here, objectively—this really depends on the sort of type of person you are. if you are looking for advice or validation or a listener—not him. but if you are the sort of person who prefers a distraction or the “tough love” sort of motivation that is more scathing and heartless—borderline degrading—he is the one. out of spite, his words are probably enough to spur you into action, forgetting whatever blue feeling you have as it has turned into a red raging anger. however, a little note, believe it or not, this actually comes from a caring place in his heart. kaiser is someone with many, many harsh edges—and this comes more from “i rather see you angry and living than seeing you down without me being able to do anything” root that he rather die than say out loud.

nagi

the best you could get is a passive listener. worse you can get is a passive listener who still plays games. the worst you can get is that one scene where isagi has a legitimate concern and gets his hair pulled by this guy. another one who is better to have as a company in seeking distraction for the time than anything. but, despite how admittedly terrible he is in cheering you up with words, he truly makes it up by action when it finally hits him how down and different you are. it will take a few hours or a few days, but he will get there. afterward, expect many small sweet gestures ranging from cute gifts, your favorite snacks, et cetera. your chatroom with him will too suddenly get noisy with many cute stickers and “u ok? :x” for at least a few weeks. (also he is shameless enough to ask out loud to his teammates about what should he do with you when he realizes how stuck he is. so hey. there is that: possible extra brains if you need a solution.)

reo

common knowledge that he never shies away from using that money of his when he needs to and this is one of those situations where he genuinely considers taking you away for a trip so you can feel better near a sunny beach or a peaceful lake—you pick. if you don’t want that, however, this guy is still the best when it comes to understanding you and will be there until you give him a smile. what else do you expect from someone with a complete set of love languages? do watch out though, he is also someone who could get angry pretty quickly, especially when it involves something or someone he cares about—and this time it’s you. on a brighter note, though, this means if you are looking for someone to shit talk with, he is the one. he is a smart caring boyfriend, so talking with him during this time will do a lot of good to you. a good advice along with good validation.

bonus round:

barou — has this very awkward and unique way of cheering you up by getting you to clean the house along with him (and somehow he is less strict with you this time) and then cooking for you after; somehow always works like a charm. yukimiya — do you know all those shoujo manga perfect handsome famous sporty smart boyfriends? this is it. coming to you live. chigiri — shit-talking session that will soon move on to a pep talk that will give you every bit of confidence and drive you to need. a best friend and a boyfriend in one package. one of the people who truly knows and understands how despairing an overwhelming situation could be. karasu — will he tease you a bit like a meanie to distract you, ironically? yes. but if you need an advisor to brainstorm the best possible solution he is also the one.

#bllk imagines #bllk x reader #bllk #blue lock #blue lock fluff #blue lock x reader #blue lock scenarios #bllk scenarios #blue lock headcanons #bllk headcanons #blue lock imagines #bllk fluff #isagi x reader #nagi x reader #bachira x reader #rin x reader #sae x reader #kaiser x reader #kunigami x reader #reo x reader #i was feeling pretty blue for a while too anon;;; so yeah this took a bit too write because i dont want this to be a downer answer too haha #all in all :> im a froggie again and im glad u like them hehe #...this reads more as them cheering you up and how good they are at it. i hope it's okay

[freyito]

I'm in that 'damn I'm too feminine guess I'll die' phase right now, pretty sure it happens monthly, so, I was wondering if I could ask for Liu Kang with a ftm reader who's normally happy just crashing down one day, specifically because they think they're too feminine for people to perceive them as a guy?

Thank you for writing such amazing stuff btw!! :D

anon, you saved me. you SAVED ME. ive been in such a mood and ive been wanting to write something comforting!!! but i havent been able to think of a prompt and i didnt really have the energy for anything in my inbox. and then you BLESSED me with this absolute banger of a request oh em gee.

and don't worry, you're not alone either anon, im also lowkey goin thru it. twinsies!!!! letting you know, from a very feminine (androgynous, but apparently i seem fem aligned) trans man, its okay to feel this. there really is no definition to masculinity and you are a man regardless of what people say!

added some bonus characters for myyyy self indulgence if you don't mind

cw: male reader, ftm, just fluff, implied romantic relationships w/ all, proofread

ʟɪᴜ ᴋᴀɴɢ (ᴀɴᴅ ʙᴏɴᴜꜱᴇꜱ) + ɪɴꜱᴇᴄᴜʀᴇ ꜰᴛᴍ ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

-Liu Kang...

is almost disheartened at the sudden change of behavior. Just the other day you had been so vibrant, bringing color, a certain tone to the world. Something even he didn't think was possible. When he had met you, he was smitten. With your positivity, your optimism, and above all else, you.

To find you, quiet, sullen, hiding from him, it was heartbreaking. The absence of your voice and your light was something that very clearly rubbed off on him.

Finding out you've broken because you do not feel yourself, because you cannot look in the mirror without seeing the man you aren't, it fills him with sorrow. Because, he sees you as a man, regardless. He always will, and it will never change.

To be honest, he's quite unsure how to comfort you. He's by your side, reassuring you that you are masculine, that he and many, many others see you as a man. And he wants to make sure you see that. The best he can be is sympathetic, it hurts that he can't necessarily understand you on a deeper level.

However, that does not change how he sees you. Nothing defines masculinity, nor what makes a man in his eyes. Even as a god, he believes there really is no definition to anything, aside from what you make it.

He lets you know exactly that. There is nothing in the world that could change his mind, no insecurity- no matter how big- you find will ever change his view of you.

-Kuai Liang...

originally thinks you are playing a game with him. So suddenly, you disappear. He looks for his sunshine around every corner, every closet, any possible hiding place he can think of. You are the light of his life, your shining brilliance cannot be matched.

So when he finds you sulking in your room, hiding, back turned from him and the world, suddenly concern eclipses his light. The pit in his stomach forms, ever expanding with worry.

Hiding because you do not see yourself as... yourself. You can almost hear his heart shatter. You are afraid other people see this, too. That you are not a man in anyone's eyes.

At first, he believes someone had put this through your head. Someone had told you this, had made you feel this way. And the fire burned within him, something telling him to find whoever had said this to you. Yet, when he finds out it is simply you perceiving everyone else's looks towards you like this, his mind slows down.

Kuai insists you are wrong. His usually calm temper replaced by him adamantly denying that you are seen as anything else. You are a man, regardless. He has never seen you as anything else but one.

Knowing you put yourself down this this claws at him, he partially feels guilty. But he puts in the effort to make you feel exactly like who you are, to bring your radiant light back into his life again.

-Johnny Cage...

can't stand loosing your positivity, your light is an ever-burning warmth that keeps him rather grounded, despite his wit and charm.

He's plunged into sudden darkness when he wakes up to you with your back turned to him, pushed as far away as possible at the edge of the bed. In an instant, it feels like his whole world is ripped away from him.

But, he's determined to make sure it isn't, and he begins with the questioning almost immediately. This was the quickest you've ever seen him wake up. And to find the reason you've pushed yourself away from him is because you don't see yourself how he sees you, and that you are ashamed- no, no. He can't have that.

Johnny cuts you off immediately, showering you and pampering you with affirmations. He does not allow you any room to let your mind twist your identity. He makes it known that you are a man, he sees you as a man, everyone sees you as a man.

He's serious, too. All traces of the signature Cage tone are wiped out, his voice soft, yet heavy. He doesn't let you, not even for a second, get back into your dysphoric mind-space. He tries, real hard, anyways.

Johnny only lets up when he finally sees even a potential smile on your face. And once he's so sure he's affirmed your gender,- and you've affirmed yourself- he's back to his over-the-top persona, bathed in wit and perhaps even a little bit of pride.

© freyito, 2023 | masterlist | queue | kofi DO NOT REPOST AS YOUR OWN OR USE FOR AI/AI CHATBOTS.

#*ੈ✩ freyito #mortal kombat x reader #mortal kombat 1 x reader #mortal kombat x male reader #mortal kombat 1 x male reader #liu kang x reader #liu kang x male reader #kuai liang x reader #kuai liang x male reader #scorpion x reader #scorpion x male reader #johnny cage x reader #johnny cage x male reader #mk1 x reader #mk1 x male reader #mk x reader #mk x male reader

[ventiswampwater]

Do you think that what Bo said about him and his brothers ending up in foster care was also a lie? I've seen some who think he wasn't lying about that but I don't think the timing and the codependency him and his brothers have adds up to them being separated for a bit, ya know? Sorry for bombarding you with a question but ugh there's just so much untouched lore potential I wanna screeeeeam

*cracking knuckles* oh baby u just opened the floodgates I am about to be SO fckn annoying

so personally, I very much believe that bo's spinning an ENTIRE crock of shit during that conversation w/carly and wade

something that I think we all need to highlight more is that the baby idiot himself has SUCH a flair for the dramatic. our favorite caveman is a chronic theater kid. like, okay acting 101? okay thespian? okay daytime soap OPERA??? the scene he sets for this fuckmurdermayhem is just...................SO grotesque and dramatic and entirely UNNECESSARY LMAO

he's a weirdo who has sequestered himself in a town full of corpses and u just KNOW the gaps between the wax nonsense are LONG and BORING and he's ANTSY

the whole time he's chasing carly thru town he's just. blissed out. goin hehehehehhehehehehe be vewwy vewwwy quiet!! we're huntin' wabbits!!! elmer fudd-mode FULLY engaged

he GRINS before he's shot by a fckin crossbow?????????? BABY???? WHAT ARE U DOING??????

he is truly on some other shit!! convinced his bargain bin broadway play will go off without a hitch and he will somehow??? be getting a standing ovation for his foolishness????

sighing DREAMILY

this is the most fun he's had in possibly months, and he's living la vida loca. he's that one tiktok of all the kids performing summer loving in the denny's. this is his golden globes. his bafta (big ass fucking truck absurdity). his academy award winning performance, starring his raging boner & very little foresight!!!!

I think there might be LIL grains of truth to his story, ofc. the best lies have small kernels of truth to them, and bo's lies seem to work the best when he adds those in (mentioning that he's close to the deceased to incur pity/getting nick to agree to follow him to a second location by mentioning that they might have gone up to the house)

but I do believe that most of it is complete bullshit lmao

there is absolutely no way in hell that those boys EVER got separated. to me!!! at least!! nope. they were in that miserable little house together the whole time. vincent and bo's interactions together speak to years of sibling tension and growing resentment. lester's inclusion in all of this w/his role of like. the ferryman to the fckin UNDERWORLD that is ambrose. is so v a marker of his attachment to his older brothers

they're all inextricably linked!!!!!!

bo 100% killed victor tho. u do not mime shooting urself in the head when discussing ur dad's death if u did not shoot him point blank range w/a smile on ur face. u simply do not. not entirely sure if he killed trudy. feel like that might've been vincent/a group job. or. pet theory. she DID just die of natural causes. or. other pet theory. she was actively participating/aware of the first couple murders. we'll never know but. huh

I also REALLY don't buy the "trudy got a cyst in her brain" stuff. I've played around w/it in a couple fics, but I v much think the probablity of it being a complete fabrication? oh 99.9%. most definitely. talking about ur mom getting strapped to the bed & screaming loud enough for the whole town to hear? hsdfjhfdsjhsdf BOY GOODBYE.

like????? that's SUCH a deranged thing to tell someone u just met. and it v much seems like smthn he tossed out to purposefully unnerve them. he didn't have to say that, but he DID. bc he loves the cat and mouse game. that's why he creeps on them @ the campsite. he's so deeply abnormal

it's all this weird sad little story that's designed to make u uncomfortable. also. sidenote......................in this version of the scene that he's set, he's the mourning parishioner sadly recounting a tale of woe that he's notably detached to. who is he in relation to the story he weaves? nobody. just an observer.

if life could be a fckin dream boseph!!!

BTW. he does this in the original script, but it's somehow EVEN weirder.

he is. and I CANNOT stress this enough. roleplaying as a kid in the neighborhood that trudy liked and would spoil.

???????????????????????????????????????????

babygirl is truly going thru it!!!!!! babygirl this is EMBARRASSING!!!!!! ur MOMMY ISSUES!!!!!!!!!!! BABYGIRL!!!!!!!!! they are SHOWING!!!!! they are STAPLED to ur forehead!!!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!

he's so ABNORMAL!!!!!!! I need to make out w/him!!!!!!!! RN!!!!!!!!!!!

vincent waiting 2 hear what dumbass alternate reality bo has cooked up for this batch of tourists:

I always talk about how dumb bo is. and I mean every word of it. I really do. but I do think he's got a couple braincells.

I v much feel like he's v much a creature of habit. he's been doing this shebang for years n years and he knows how it goes. he gets his fuckin n suckin and vincent gets his wax sculptures. bada bing bada boom. showtime baby.

his "plan" is v much as solid as a plastic bag drifting thru the wind, wanting to start again. he is fr hinging this whole thing on a series of events, that, should they not happen, he has no alternative for. and he is so weird and so strange and cannot deviate from his script LEST he get pissymad and ruin everything. he's so dumb. I'm so v in love w/him.

TL; DR!!

I wrote this for my peabrain video essay script and it's all the above bullshit nonsense. but more coherent:

& an unrelated bit. bc it's still my favorite bit of the script & the only part I recorded a voice clip for sfjdhdfjshdfs

#v srry for the deranged ass 3298329832 word answer!! #u just cracked open pandora's box a little #I do. ponder my orb abt this movie. far too much. #asks #anonymous #sinclair brainrot hours #bo sinclair #LONG POST

[papillonthepirate]

A commission I did for @dragonmarquise for one of their friends :D This was an interesting piece to work on since it had to tell a story and I wanted a really consistent tone to show the progression of the emotions. This was a little tough since there was a large time gap between me starting and finishing it due to some sudden health problems I suffered. I have to say that both of the people who requested this one were so very gracious about the delays and just really lovely to work with. This message was from the friend to explain the piece-

(Hi, im the person who wanted this commissioned in the first place, how are you all doin)

Alright so if it isnt obvious, i headcanon Mr. Match and Ms. Madd as trans! I am trans myself, and maybe this is weird or selfish to say, but im kinda projecting myself onto Mr. Match, like he is basically my goal for my transition in terms of looks. My girlfriend feels the same about Ms. Madd (she is also trans and gorgeous just sayin :-)

This set of pics is also sort of a “where we have been and where we are goin” kinda story if that isnt obvious already. I like to think the two of them got through their transitions okay, because me and my girlfriend are kinda hoping for the same for ourselves. And we are gettin there, little by little!

Those of you out there who are LGBT+ and like to headcanon characters to be the same as yourself, and imagine how they could get through tough times to help inspire yourself to get thru it, im the same! Others might judge you for it or think its weird, well we are not doin any harm so dont let it bother you okay? Headcanons are fun and can help you explore your own identity and feelings and stuff too, theres no shame in that. So Happy Pride all year round, not just June! :-)

[everybodyloveshippos]

What has been your favorite moment of your current dnd campaign?

Ahhh okay this is def very hard to answer since this campaign started like,,, march 2020 (in person for a bit, then online, thankfully back to in person now) SO....LONG WINDED POST AHEAD,,,

So we’ve been at it for a while! And things get pushed to the back of my mind or are in my notebook somewhere-BUT we did start a discord channel called ‘that one time when’ where we put memorable moments. So I will do my best to list my top three since i could never sift thru this entire crazy adventure and pick just one <3

The first time Valentine cast revivify! We had just levelled up, I had just learned the spell, and I had just bought diamonds prior to us going to the Cassalanter ball (kinda spoilers for dragonheist ahead). So some cult nonsense starts goin down in the basement, we jump in (to the soundtrack of ballroom blitz) and we’re holding our own, kicking ass, but then victorio casts power word kill to instantly kill Hawkwood (artificer half-elf) and it was our first PC death and we were kinda freaking out.

It was a big character moment for a lot of our party bcus it was one of the highest stake things that had happened thus far. Lucien ripped out victorios throat (lucien is a drow werewolf) despite his hesitation over it (past trauma with being used as a weapon and monster) and valentine realized that ‘holy shit. I care about these people more than I care to admit. What a scary thought.” and then flew over to revive him. The imagery was just very cool and pretty to imagine, with high arches and valentine’s aasimar wings and eyes glowing white gold, holding hawkwood to them as the diamond shatters and the pieces rise in the air and he wakes up! I actually drew this a long time ago here

Another moment that had us losing our MINDS (one of us literally) was we were facing down Yandathul, a mindflayer (i think he’s an Ulitharid) who 3 party members have personal beef with (he experimented on our drow twins, disguised as a drow himself) (he ate nick’s uncle’s brain in front of him. Nick is a Githyanki. He has beef w mindflayers on sight anyways) Also we’d just found the corpse of a Draegloth, another experiment and our ally at the time that he had killed.

So basically we were fighting this guy, and he fuckin….Subdues nick and then eats gothi’s (our dwarf paladin, a newer addition to the party) brain in front of him. Then  he casts planeshift, and as we’re all about to get sent to fuckin WHO knows where, we could all land anywhere, not even together, nick-you know how you need to hit the right tune/frequency to travel to a different plane in dnd or something?-Well he screams for us all to grab his hands as planeshft is cast and he screams out the note that’s gonna make sure we all go TOGETHER AT LEAST to the astral sea, where he’s from It was just so intense and insane and emotional bcus nick was doing a scream of fury and grief and frustration but also doing bard stuff to keep us all safe. And it came after a PC death, and we rlly all almost got yeeted to separate corners of the universe. So we all just. Floated in the astral sea for a bit. With a corpse Valentine (my pc, cleric) couldnt revivify bcus his brain got eaten. I think it was our wildest moment. It stands out a lot because we lost. weirdly enough, the final countdown is a song that syncs up w this moment super well.

God anon im sorry to wax poetic theres soooo much more and obvi im biased to valentine’s moments but genuinely, i think my favourite moment was:

Nick slapping his abusive and terrible father on the deck of their warship in front of his crew. I gasped Out Loud in person it was So good i was shocked. It slapped. And so did nick. Lol

#asks #THIS IS LONG SRRY ITS A LOOOONG CAMPAIGN AND WE GO HARD W THEMES AND CHARACTER STUFF LOL #dnd #dungeons and dragons

[bugmistake]

this turned into a whole thing so it's goin under a cut! talking about my cousin who was helping me thru some anxiety stuff

it's really rare that i feel loved and like. Seen by my extended family but my god when i feel it. it's like . an avalanche. i was on a plane with them recently and i am..... a nervous flier. turbulence is my absolute worst enemy. and my cousin was next to me on the flight and he was me kind of like. tensed up and shaking a little after a rough takeoff and he was like hey man. do you have headphones? and i said yeah but i forgot to download a podcast . and he was like ok and gave me one half of his wired headphones and played some very soothing synthpop and i crashed RIGHT out. and later after we landed i was like hey could you send me that playlist we were listening to on the plane? i really liked it! and he said oh it wasn't a playlist i was just queueing up songs i thought you would vibe with :) and i was like OH OKAY. THANKS! YOU'RE THE ONLY MOTHERFUCKER IN THIS CITY WHO CAN HANDLE ME.

also last christmas i got ... very very very high like toooooooo high and he held my hand cuz i was freaking outttttt and i fell asleep holding his hand. he rules. he's so chill. i cannot imagine being that calm.

and my other cousin (his brother) came and stood with me when i got pulled over by airport security and they rifled through my whole shit. like the full suitcase. and he didn't say anything he just stood there but it kept me from feeling like i was going to float away :~) anyways. it's nice to be around people who get it. also this cousin invited me to come stay with him and his girlfriend for a weekend in the summer ........ i am not used to feeling this close with family. it freaks me out a little! but 2024 is about vulnerability and doing scary stuff so im gonna DO IT!!!!!

[astrxealis]

also also sorta offtopic but: what other games do ya play?? GO FULL OUT IN RAMBLING

ik you've seen me ramble abt twewy all the time but I also love pokémon, kirby, legend of zelda, detroit become human and golden sun !!! my brother has also been playing Hades lately and tho the playstyle isn't my thing bc I get stressed easily IT'S AN AMAZING GAME AND I LOVE IT

someday I will be able to properly try playing final fantasy and fire emblem HAHA if I have the time to play I'll let you know !!! I really want to try those games TT

HEHEHE AHJBHGDBJGH omg if you say so ,, under the cut bcs idk how much i might. ramble GSGBHB <3 <3 <3 warning. just in advance. sorry annie but you've just enabled me HGSBDHJG

( ok i finished writing. uh. i think i legitimately spent more than an hour what. BUT UHM warning it might be really long but idk HSBDHJG but disclaimer yes no need to read it all!! and tysm once again!! and sorry for. so much rambling HSDJHBG )

( edit again bcs i've woken up HOLY SHIT I DIDNT REALIZE I DIDNT POST THIS. I JUST SAVED DRAFT AND THEN POOFED HELP )

OKAY WAIT FIRST. ik you want more twewy moots yes AND THO i do consider myself to like twewy i still am sadly not into it that much yet despite i rmbr uhh neo demo, wanting to watch the animation, and then once it was on sale. i was hyperfixated on it WHFBJH and then moved on to . triangle strategy HJDSBJG which i still don't have but i cld maybe ask a friend who i convinced to buy it bcs he was curious and i was like ROLAND ROLAND ROLAND and i was rlly excited bcs it ws just around release but they haven't even touched it at all so i'll one day force him to lend me it (and i'll never return it JKJKJK HLEP) BUT YEAH. i feel like i wrote that latter bit w no breath breaks

!!! i rmbr you talking abt pokemon once (IN DMS ?? >O< & ff7!!) and ofc ik you love loz HEHE i was goin thru pics some time ago and. came across the link stuff again GDSGB ^^ I DON'T THINK I KNEW YOU LIKED KIRBY AND DBH THO ... kirby is ADORABLE but i've only ever played like. 5 minutes worth of one of the old games HGBSJHD and loz botw which i haven't finished yet bcs i am not enthusiastic to do the bananas and i had to give back the card to my tita TwT DHB okay funny story we had to make smth for school once and i used a somewhat triggering photo and thankfully it wasn’t anything too bad and no one got yeah. also i was rlly young. but DAMN i’m better now thnkfully ALSO i rly wnt to play sometime >< <3

HADES OH MY GOD I LOVE THAT GAME (than and zag. oh god) !!! i'm only a few hours in uhh around 16?? >< i shld def play more ,, can understand it not being your type in playstyle AHBAHFBJ but fr it's amazing and so loveable <3 tbh i kind of get stressed a bit easily like. i could MAYBE be that kinda "toxic" gamer but i'm too nice and don't want to be mean Out Loud so that's good THGBJ i like the stress . somehow. I HOPE YOU CONTINUE ENJOYING!!!!!

okay uhh so we have a lot of games here. kinda?? my game library in my Head is huge but in my actual reality kind of but not really T__T so ofc there's final fantasy!! i like all 15 (and the upcoming 16th) and the spin offs but i definitely haven't played em all yet HSBDJHG 7, 10, 14, 15 i've played! we have 8, 9, 12, and 13 (kinda, doesn't work anymore T_T) >< also type 0 i think but idk </3 i blame/thank my dad's side esp for me w games/anime/ff HGBJSDH!! 14 is kind of obviously my fave game hehe <33

fire emblem!!! 3H is the one i've only played but i LOVE awakening and fates >_< and shadows of valentia!! i know that even less but i love the credits song which i've alrdy accidentally spoiled myself on and the characters i know!

OK SO UHM. there's a lot we have that i haven't actually played so i won't go too much into depth q-q but god of war, xcom, last of us, uhhhhh wait okay

from ones i've played a bit!! or tried to play a bit!! or know outside of actually playing >< drakenier (3, automata, replicant! 3 is. kinda uh sus but i rlly like it and wna know more in the future. we have automata but i haven't played... i LOVE it sm tho and it's just so good,, & the raids in ffxiv i love SDHGJHA and the small spoilers ik </3 replicant same feelings as automata but we don't have it </3) + ghost of tsushima (i played a bit and it's a beautiful game!!) + uh. AH YES soulsborne (okay these kind of games make me scared. i tried to play bloodborne thrice and chickened and i don't actually have or want the guts to not Chicken BUT. I WANT TO HEAR THE MUSIC. and be challenged by the hard gameplay so sometime,, also we have ds3!! i want elden ring/sekiro rlly badly tho ><) + uhh what else. help OAAAAHH THE WITCHER!! okay we have 3 i. meant to start it a bit ago but then ffxiv took my time again SBDGHJH but i love the series!! just close my eyes at times!! i love the witcher man. and there's horizon zero dawn which i've played for quite a while but i'm def not TOO far into it,, it seems like open world isn't rlly my type T___T

i forgot the others. help. SAHGBJH okay from the ones i've finished or play/ed a lot!! persona <3 i like 3 and 4 but dk well yet :(( i love 5 tho!! such a good game, esp w royal <3 anddd then uh. uhm. HJHBF HELP i've barely finished games tbh T___T but <33 UHHH i like cod too! mario! OH MY GOD SUPER MARIO ODYSSEY!!! and other games oh man T~T

I FORGOT FALLOUT EXISTS HELP okay i’m like. really There in fallout shelter but i don’t play anymore </3 fallout 4 and las vegas we have!! i’m scared to play 4!! but yes!! i also feel terrible for forgetting skyrim holy shit i mostly just watched my dad/sis play until i actually started playing myself. i’m a coward and i admit that but that game is my CHILDHOOD... cuphead is also rlly cool i have just played REALLY little myself but <33 animal crossing is rlly cute!! i love new horizons!! also assassins creed!! we have odyssey which i played a bit but it makes me scared to play too ngl!! devil may cry and metal gear rlly interest me but no games or experience playing :(( love the music and memes tho <3

uh. minecraft was my childhood FOR REAL. i played a bit of mass effect then stopped but i’ll cont when i have time. somehow. HSDBGJH ik it’s rlly good !! LEGO GAMES WERE MY CHILDHOOD TOO... my only 100%. man. i fought so much w my twin over those games it’s absolutely hilarious. dragon age is cool i love inquisition soundtrack but i played a bit of origins and then stopped bcs i got stuck and it’s so ANNOYING... red dead redemption 2 i havent played but <333 resident evil is cool but horror. goodbye. GSHGBFBSD AND OH GOD I FORGOT I ONCE PLAYED A BIT OF GTA5. i stopped bcs it rlly was too much even for me who doesn’t mind swearing. i stole cars and did a bit of story and thn stopped i will never forget the man who opened my car door in the road and i drove off HABJGH ... i forgot what other games i’ve played or have or am interested in this is so much oh god . OH GOD WAIT I FORGOT KINGDOM HEARTS EXISTED HELP that series is so weird but means so much to me weirdly. i rmbr so clearly playing literally the first bit of the game. by first bit i mean literally probably just the first hour or less. and i never got past that bcs i never got to a save but then had to stop playing over and over again but wld always go back and play it AAA kh1!!! and thn kh3 i borrowed and man... <3 i love that game and somehow understood and enjoyed even if it’s literally the ending of a saga i think and i never played the rest HELP

i once again lost track of time it’s almost 5 am oh my god i have to get up before 10. BDHGBD i’LL PROBABLY STOP HERE THEN....... i hope you don’t feel like you have to read everything i’m just rlly Yay you asked and uhm enabled me WHEEZE i love rambling but also i do it a lot but also not that much T___T i genuinely do hope this isn’t annoying though! ^^ not in a like Oh i’m annoying way but in a like. this might actually seriously be A Lot JHGSDJHG

i actually barely know anything about golden sun!! but i searched it up rq and rmbrd i’m interested in dragon quest + diablo + castlevania too !! super mario galaxy was my childhood even tho me and my twin barely did anything bcs we were cowards. HELP. we fought too bcs i shaked the controller and then the stars went everywhere and escaped so she got angry at me. why did i even do that what. ANWAYS UHM IDK WHAT i’M EVEN TALKING ABT ANYMORE HELP gran turismo also interests me!! bcs of my dad >< OH MY GOD I FORGOT i also finished littlebigplanet 3!! it was so annoying w my twin /pos!!! we fought also. man. i love twins they suck (affectionate)

i feel like there’s still more i’m forgetting hm but idk. not gna say stuff about ffxiv bcs that’ll be a lot more rambling I’M SO SORRY. also no mobile games orrr free games uhhh there’d be a lot too. help. BUT UHM YES if you do ever someday properly play ff and fe i’d be really happy but pls /nf !!! and i hope you do enjoy if ever!! <3 tbh i’m a bit >:( when it comes to some stuff abt specifically uhh 7 13 15 and 3h but generally i still love them lots <3 personally i’d def rec xiv even if you aren’t a fan of mmorpgs bcs it’s def an rpg first >< also imo the best final fantasy overall!! even best mmo and def one of the best stories i’ve ever seen ,, BJSDHBG but from the single players, it’s a bit depending on your taste but safe best for sure is 9! overall i’d say the best, from what i’ve heard :O below 7 is not 3d yet but i’m biased to 3 bcs of 14, for reasons, and 4 is <3! and 6 def has prolly the best story from what i’ve heard if not for 14!! 8 is heavily romance based ?? but i personally love the themes sm >< 7 is rlly famous and probably the biggest franchise in the ff franchise :O if you ignore ffxiv HJBHDG! i’d def rec it too <3 10 is my first and rlly special to me and i’d def rec it too for sure!! 12 is more political but personally i love it. havent playe dbut uhm yes. tactics i’ve heard is incredibly good ^^ i barely know it. barely being a bit of an understatement uhhh ik some of the story!! yes!! okay squints that’s all i can talk abt rn help it just turned 5 JBGDHJGB ALSO I’M INTERESTED IN OMORI I ALMOST FORGOT!! horror scares me but ik omori is rlly good <3 i’m just watching bcs i might waste money on not playing if i buy it myself <//3 ^^

GN ANNIE!! or good morning. help. HBGSHDBGJ THANK YOU SO MUCH AGAIN BTW AND SORRY HELP rambling tho helped clear my head more so aaaa <33 ^^

BUT B4 I STOP FOR REAL i just want to advertise rq BUT NO FORCED /nf /nf /nf SERIOSULY it just makes me happy to do this WHEEZE but ffxiv has a rlly good free trial!! lowkey want to send u stuff no spoilers tho and see what wld convince u to play but do be truthful abt it all uhh yes yes gn >< WHEEZEHBGSHJ it’s available on all platforms basically! not like. switch or mobile tho aaaaa T___T </3 but playstation, mac, steam, pc... ^^ it’s pretty time consuming but it’s an experience i’d definitely recommend!! also no time restrictions for free trial :O so yeah >;D

#i like a lot of things but my favorites all in all would be ffxiv and gbf (mobile game tho ><) and fe3h! i feel like nier is definitely a #top contender when i properly get into it more <3 but these r games i actually. completed or am vv far into GHJSJBHGB T__T ^^ #so many interests but it feels like. hm. idk how to explain but yeah <//3 idm tho HBDSJHBGH i genuinely do like all of them <3 #⋯ ꒰ა my galaxy ໒꒱ *·˚ #⋯ ꒰ა letters of stardust ໒꒱ *·˚ #— annie! ♡

[pesterloglog]

Roxy Lalonde, John Egbert, Harry Anderson Egbert

Candy, page 38

ROXY: sup john

ROXY: long time no see

ROXY: well alright then pal

ROXY: i do believe u know the way to the living room

JOHN: yeah, yep.

JOHN: thanks.

JOHN: sorry for staring like an idiot.

JOHN: it’s...

JOHN: i just got done with a whole week of feeling weird about hanging out in my dad’s old house again.

JOHN: I kind of forgot to think about how it would be surreal coming back here, too.

JOHN: some kind of nostalgia whiplash, i guess.

ROXY: fair enough yo

ROXY: harry andersons out if u were wonderin

ROXY: hell scoot back home later so if you make it thru round 1 of awkward ex-family convos im happy to say you can be rewarded with another

JOHN: oh, cool.

JOHN: i’d like to see him, if…

JOHN: if it’s okay with both of you.

ROXY: ya we chatted bout it

ROXY: but like i said

ROXY: one thing at a time

ROXY: lets me n u tear this ol egbert/lalonde estrangement band-aid right the fuck off n see what we got goin on underneath it

JOHN: sounds like a plan.

JOHN: so, uh.

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently.

JOHN: and i’ve realized some things.

JOHN: some stuff that involves you and some that doesn’t, but all things i think you deserve to know.

JOHN: whew.

JOHN: ok lemme think where to start...

JOHN: you know how jake left jane?

JOHN: i mean, i assume you know.

JOHN: though, uh, no offense, but jane’s version might be...

JOHN: skewed.

ROXY: oh lmao nah i didnt hear it from janey

ROXY: harry anderson filled me in on wat he got thru the teen grapevine

JOHN: oh!

JOHN: are you guys not...

JOHN: nevermind.

JOHN: i’m sorry, i came to apologize for my shit, not pry into your business.

JOHN: we don’t have to talk about jane if you don’t want to.

ROXY: janey n me havent been super tight of late

JOHN: ah.

JOHN: what about politics not coming between friends and all that?

ROXY: lmao well turns out sometimes someones politics make it p clear what kind of friends they value

ROXY: or dont

ROXY: and idk sometimes people you used to like when you were a teen grow up to be assholes or w/e!!

ROXY: i think i was clingin to somethin just to prove to myself that i was doin stuff right

ROXY: ol rolal

ROXY: hella normal

ROXY: v good at sticking with friends

ROXY: the more i thought abt it the more i figured holdin on to that one thing made me lose out on some other shit

ROXY: u might relate

JOHN: haha, you got me there i guess.

ROXY: anyways

ROXY: im not tryna take up all ur big speech time w/ my stuff

ROXY: you were tellin me about how jake n janey finally went splitsways and how it gave you some kind of epiphany

JOHN: no, it’s cool!

JOHN: i’m glad to hear it.

JOHN: we can come back to your shit after my shit, maybe.

JOHN: but yeah, jake, he uh...

JOHN: he and tavros are living with me now.

JOHN: i think for the foreseeable future. we were expecting jane to have kind of a fit about it, but all we’ve gotten so far are some divorce papers.

JOHN: if she knows where jake is and she hasn’t had a drone fleet dispatched to nuke my house off the planet i think that’s a good sign she’s actually just letting them go?

JOHN: which is kind of surprising, but, uh. good, i guess.

ROXY: ok ill b the first 2 admit that janes turned into kind of a jerk lately but u no shes not actually like

ROXY: literally evil

ROXY: lol

JOHN: that’s debatable!

ROXY: sry to disappoint but janes just a person and you cant actually blame her for everything that went wrong in our marriage like i was her helpless thrall or somethin

JOHN: that’s not what i was saying...

ROXY: ok neither of us came here to argue about janey did we

JOHN: you’re right. let’s just not talk about her.

ROXY: yea

JOHN: anyway...

JOHN: i’ve been doing a lot of thinking about how things got to be like they are.

JOHN: i guess i’ll just come out and say it.

JOHN: i completed fucked up your entire life.

JOHN: i’m not going to pretend like there are two sides here. it’s my bad, totally.

JOHN: like, not just what happened to our marriage, though it’s also true that that’s completely my fault.

JOHN: but even before that...

JOHN: i think i fucked up on just this massive, fundamental level, and it’s what i did—

JOHN: or, well, what i didn’t do—

JOHN: that caused every stupid bullshit thing about the way this world is.

JOHN: none of this was supposed to be this way.

JOHN: honestly, it doesn’t feel right that we got married at all, does it?

JOHN: your life was heading in this whole other direction with callie, and i just...

JOHN: i dunno. i just kind of took that from you.

JOHN: i think i ended up taking a lot of decisions from a lot of people.

JOHN: everything took a backseat to what i wanted.

JOHN: whatever cosmic significance the lives here do or don’t have, all the pointless suffering i’ve created is... inhumane. and—

ROXY: oh nah ill stop u rite there my man

ROXY: im sorry john ilu but this is some hot steamin horseshit

JOHN: what?!

ROXY: its some real jerkoff emoji stuff is all im sayin!!

ROXY: you think you choice mattered so much that no one elses could measure up?

ROXY: n then what

ROXY: did u get what u wanted?

ROXY: did your life end and the points got tallied and you came out on top or like what?

ROXY: still p much seems like were movin to me

ROXY: and you sure dont seem like ur winnin so wheres all this good shit you got that you gotta go around handin out apologies for?

ROXY: also damn dude while were at it!!

ROXY: u forgot to actually say sorry in that apology!

JOHN: no, i didn’t — i just meant...

JOHN: i’m sorry for fucking up your life, or making it not—

ROXY: i like my life!!!

ROXY: i mean it aint perf and i got my share of fuckups n mistakes in there but you dont get to tell me its fucked up

ROXY: or that it isnt real or somethin

ROXY: its mine!

ROXY: i mean i felt... somethin i guess

ROXY: but its not just you

ROXY: youve never been the only player in this game u kno

ROXY: do u not remember who all was there when this all kicked off?

ROXY: me n callie wouldna told u u had a choice if it was all just some meaningless bs

ROXY: its not like i was ever some master seer of all that ever was or will be but i do know a lil bit abt what coulda gone down if things were different

ROXY: and u know what

ROXY: i like the way things turned out just fuckin fine

ROXY: so maybe u could stop wastin precious eternity thinkin ur so special that its ur fault everyones not perfectly happy

JOHN: i just kept wanting to find ways to make everything make sense, you know?

JOHN: but maybe it just fucking doesn’t.

ROXY: i know we became grownups in a world built specifically n cosmically for us

ROXY: so i get wanting to find a pattern in everything

ROXY: but not everything has 2 b that deep

ROXY: n when u think abt it

ROXY: lookin at it that way, like evrythin has to be this elaborately purposeful heroic design to be worthwhile

ROXY: is actually p shallow

JOHN: oh.

JOHN: yeah, i guess.

JOHN: i’m sorry. it’s just so hard to not feel like a total asshole.

JOHN: maybe i’m not some grand vizier of destroying time and space or whatever.

JOHN: but we KNOW that there’s a canon timeline out there.

JOHN: and it seems really obvious to me that we aren’t in it anymore.

ROXY: so what

JOHN: “so what”???

ROXY: yea

ROXY: so what

ROXY: tf do i care that theres some other reality out there some1 arbitrarily decided was the “real” one

ROXY: whats that have to do with the life i have now

ROXY: what is there actually that makes this one mean less than that one to the ppl who r actually in it

JOHN: you never feel like it would’ve been better if things had gone a different way?

JOHN: magic or no, i could have done a lot differently, for you especially.

JOHN: stuck around, or... fuck.

JOHN: stayed out of your way to begin with.

JOHN: let you and callie do your thing, or do whatever it was you seemed to be headed off to do.

JOHN: i just didn’t expect it to be me, after...

ROXY: nah dont say that

ROXY: i mean i accept ur apology this time but

ROXY: theres obvs all kinds of ways shit coulda gone

ROXY: and tbh back then

ROXY: with her...

ROXY: mostly i think i just wanted to do stuff right

ROXY: not that i knew wtf that even meant lmao

ROXY: which was prob the problem lmao lmao lmao

ROXY: just like

ROXY: we had this big fresh as hell start at bein people!

ROXY: i had all these conflictin thoughts abt how to be me in the first place

ROXY: like what it meant to date a beautiful skull alien

ROXY: sexualitywise and genderwise and person in generalwise

ROXY: for a while there i didnt know if i wanted ppl to think of me as a woman at all

JOHN: ah, i didn’t know.

JOHN: well, i guess maybe i wondered?

JOHN: but the way young idiot me would have wondered, so not that deeply.

JOHN: and it seemed like you’d forgotten all about it when we got together.

ROXY: i hadnt forgotten about it

JOHN: do you want to talk about it...?

ROXY: i coulda told you then but i kinda felt embarrassed abt flip floppin with my identity i think

ROXY: mean it isnt like i grew up with big airquotes society tellin me what was right n wrong like u did

ROXY: so it wasnt any kind of shamefest

ROXY: just a lot of abstract hypotheticals wed only just started talking about and never got very far into

ROXY: just idk i thought i might do things one way but then i stopped hangin out with callie as much

ROXY: its not like i stopped thinkin abt it

ROXY: or her

ROXY: but it never rly came up with anyone else and i didnt rly feel like i could talk abt it with you so i never brought it up again

JOHN: i’m really sorry you felt that way, roxy.

ROXY: its ok its not ur fault

JOHN: but you don’t regret it?

JOHN: not going for that stuff, and instead just... marrying me?

JOHN: i’m not asking so you can absolve me, i’m just impressed.

JOHN: how do you not second guess every choice you make?

ROXY: i havent stuck my head in the timeline vortex like u have so i dunno what its like to see other options

ROXY: i just do things the best way i think to do em and then shrug n hope it works out?

ROXY: i dont think i can regret anything

ROXY: theres not only one right way to be me imo

ROXY: i like the me i am

ROXY: its not like i went n decided “actually hell ya love to be a woman n do all the shit on the woman checklist”

ROXY: i get that thats prob what it looks like outside of my own self but i dont care abt that

ROXY: sorry lol im not good at this whole explainin what transpires in my brain thing

ROXY: idk this life ive been livin gave me harry anderson

ROXY: that kinda outweighs anything else just for me personally

ROXY: n its not like i ever totally quit thinkin abt that gender stuff

ROXY: i just found a different way to work it out than maybe i was originally gonna

ROXY: i...

ROXY: but lmao john were just adults

ROXY: were not dead!

ROXY: idk i mean were only what... barely middle aged in regular human years?

ROXY: we got all kinds of hypothetical but still prolly finite eternity to work our shit out

ROXY: who tf knows

ROXY: its not like you figure out who you are when youre 23 and then the rest of ur whole life is just sittin back watchin ur shit fall apart or not

ROXY: i mean maybe thats been it for u so far

JOHN: haha. ouch.

ROXY: i just dont think im anywhere near done buildin those roxy self actualization train stops

ROXY: who the fuck can say how many more i got lined up

ROXY: same goes for u

ROXY: if youre willing to look at this life as more than a cosmically pointless dead end failure that is

JOHN: i guess...

JOHN: there’s literally nothing to do but keep moving forward.

JOHN: i may as well not be a big fucking downer about it if i don’t have to be.

ROXY: thats the spirit

ROXY: weve got a million billion lifetimes ahead of us john

ROXY: u dont even KNOW all the ways u got left to fuck up in!!

ROXY: hows that for some inspiration??!

JOHN: it’s...

JOHN: it’s pretty fucking inspirational, roxy.

JOHN: thank you for trusting me with this personal stuff.

JOHN: i know partly you were telling me all that to kick my sadsack ass, but i know you don’t talk about this kind of thing every day.

ROXY: to be real i hadnt even let myself think abt it every day

ROXY: so thanks for lettin me ramble at u out loud instead of just almost thinkin abt it once every few years

JOHN: i guess sometimes it takes hearing the same shit over and over until it sticks.

JOHN: that’s mostly an own on myself by the way.

ROXY: lmao were just rippin off those bandaids left n right over here

ROXY: a coupla professional issue discussers

JOHN: yeah, i’m frankly baffled by how fucking good we are at this?

JOHN: where was this when we sucked so hard at being married?

ROXY: buried under a shocking number of issues is my guess

JOHN: well, it’s nice to throw a few off, for once.

ROXY: feel free to communicate with me instead of spendin the next 300 years in a silent prison of your own making if u so desire

JOHN: hey harry anderson.

JOHN: it’s really, really good to see you.

JOHN: do you wanna go for a drive?

HARRY ANDERSON: yeah, dad.

HARRY ANDERSON: that could be cool.

#homestuck #homestuck epilogues #roxy lalonde #john egbert #harry anderson egbert #candy epilogue #page 38

[heylinfanclub]

Texts to send to my brother about his neurodivergent wife who ran away to holland with their kid and how he treats me and how I think it reflects on his marriage—- plus a video.

Stuff that make me think of me and Kim and potentially [your kid]. Just cause. Hm. Lots of people in the family (not just you, but Scott, my parents, the church people who support me— under all the love they give—) give the vibe of ‘I’m not going to do any research on your condition, I’m going to constantly invalidate it and regurgitate misinformation about this thing you’ve had all your life and will have all your life, give you advice that you can’t act on because of your disorder I refuse to research, make you feel like shit, etc— then blame you for being sensitive and different’.

Older people think the ‘you’re just different, everyone’s different’ is comforting but it’s actually a platitude that stymies real conversation about an actual issue that they want to avoid because it’s ~confusing~ and they don’t want to ~bother~. They just want the other person to be ~normal~. They never actually accept that difference!

They don’t get that the differences mean they NEVER WILL BE NORMAL. and that it’s OKAY. And should be. ‘Different’ is not and never will be a proper definition of the real issue a person is facing!! It’s not!! They told you the diagnosis they have!! Google it bare minimum! Become an expert if you LOVE THEM. Otherwise it’s just a cruel show of a lack of care and compassion, an utter disregard for another persons struggles as anything more than a warped figment of your personal imagination.

If ya can’t quote Browns Model of Executive Impairment in ADHD (2005), ya can’t tell me what I do or don’t struggle with.

TLDR: My therapist once said that children get traumatized not because they suffer, but because they SUFFER ALONE. And kids with neurodevelopmental disorders are prone to being traumatized BECAUSE of their mental health leaving them stigmatized and ostracized and feeling like Nobody understands and Nobody Ever Will (let alone the people most important to them!). At that point. Being Alone becomes a shield from disappointment. So. I do think of [your cHILD] and what she might be goin thru. Cause I went through it too. And I didn’t have the words to express it for 26 years. Probably more still. And I never got to have a close friendship with my parents because of it. Why I could tell dad ‘you’re a good man but I’d never be friends with you if you weren’t my family. Because you could never be truly concerned with my struggles. Only concerned that I’m not meeting *expectations*.’

And despite this text being an agonizing call to action to PLEASE do some modern research on things impacting your family: the video also said ‘it’s okay if they don’t understand, as long as they don’t stop you from meeting your needs however you need to’ and Augh the agony of accepting that alsooo. But putting that into actionable words is like: I said I couldn’t brush my teeth so I made strategies to try to get myself into it. YOU SAID ‘OR YOU CAN JUST KEEP ON TOP OF IT (an IDIOTIC STATEMENT)’. 100% unnecessary and WORTHLESS commentary. I stopped being friends with people for less.

https://youtu.be/Gej2YNMLzrc?si=IZNlcpSktTBkJ4A8

#me. #therapy. #(we’ll see if I send this actually tho

[acaiasahi]

cw: ranting abt my job / cursing lolzies

oop... this girl that quit before i started working full time warned me abt my boss n basically was like "she may seem sweet now, but once she gets comfortable w u, she's fuckin hell" n i think i js saw a glimpse of it bc i asked to come in 30 mins later than my original time bc of some family stuff n she was like "that seems ok but any later than that, i will meal violate. this shouldn't be a common thing bc it ruins ppls meals and breaks" n i was like ofc professional n like "def understand! ty for being accommodating. is there any way i can make this process easier/smoother for u?" n she hasn't responded yet but zamn... i totally get that but this is literally my first time EVER asking for u to extend my start time since i started. u literally have asked me on multiple occasions if i can stay a couple hrs longer and i've said yes each time. i fr don't wanna be THAT worker bc 15/30 mins is definitely not enough for a break, esp bc the us work system sucks absolute balls but like i said, it's my first time asking for a simple change like that... kinda mean how she came in kinda crazy w the thunder n shiii. i do appreciate her saying that she hopes everything's okay n she obviously doesn't know that my uncle's in the hospital, nor does she know that he js came back from a surgery but damn... i thought she'd be a lil nicer bc u don't always know what ppl r goin thru yk? :/ i guess beggars can't be choosers, i'll take what i can get ig. idk, i might even been in the wrong/being dramatic but i just wanna make sure my uncle's doing okay, he is my godfather after all 🫡

#[ 🎲 ] rants.

[00gangfriend00]

heyyy bitch you should write a little drivey fic pls 🚙 vroom vroom vibes only

hi babe. vroom vroom! I am at work Not Working so here is your drivey fic.

It's not that he is having trouble sleeping. He can't sleep. Don't matter how many times he tosses and turns, it won't come.

It's been goin on for a week or so now, and he can't pinpoint any real reason why. Rosa tellin' him it's stress, is always going on about stress. Rhea's tellin' him its old age.

Whatever it is, it's fuckin with his mind.

Surrendering momentarily and sitting upright, he flicks on the bedside lamp. Marcus isn't here tonight, which always makes the nights more insufferable. That little squirrel snore across the hall does wonders in quietin' his mind.

He looks around at the warmly lit room. His stuff. Used to dream of this.

Used to dream of having bullshit modern art on his walls. Of walking into one of those fancy ass, white-ass art stores, not even askin' for the price.

Of taking the elevator all the way to the top. Penthouse. Dope shoes. New whip.

Now he's got it. He's at the top.

Still can't fuckin sleep.

So he grabs his keys, tired of staring at the walls, and does what he always does.

It's just going for a drive. Don't matter that the destination's always the same - it's the drive. That's what mellows him enough to finally shut his eyes.

Never mind that it'll l be the third time this week he's shown up outside her house in the middle of the night. There's just somethin' bout the rhythmic suburban sprinkler systems, the twisting parade of manicured lawns, the quiet sigh of each darkened window.

Yah, he knows it makes him look like a fucking stalker, he knows.

Hates it too, its just that he..

"Can't sleep?"

Her voice startles him, he didn't hear the tap on the window, but there she is - shivering outside the car door.

It's cold out, fuck. She's in her little slippers and some thin cotton thing that he's not not thinkin' about.

The window rolls down between them.

"I was in the area."

She grins like each and every one of the 22 minutes it takes to get out here from downtown is personally amusing to her.

"Get in."

'What?"

"You gonna freeze, Elizabeth."

"I was just checking to see if -" She catches herself mid-excuse. He'd been up thinkin' about her and she'd been up thinkin' about him. They're predictable like that. He's not about to deny it, at least. "Okay."

"You look tired". She whispers into the streetlight-lit interior. The light flashes in alternating beats across her face as they pull off the street and onto the highway.

"Gee, thanks." He lolls his head, taking her in and smiling briefly.

She smiles back, something nostalgic and a little forlorn. Her cheeks are wet, he can see the dampness catching blue dashboard light. She notices him noticing and -

"Take me for a drive." She perks upright. Sniffling and buckling her seatbelt with dramatics.

"You got it, boss."

They pull out onto the empty highway, goin' about 20 over. Her hands out the window, bobbing up and down. All that freezing cold air blastin' through the passenger side but - he ain't about to say anything. It's nice, actually, this.

He slows to pull off the next exit. She turns in silent question.

"You hungry?"

"Now?!"

"Yah, now."

"I guess..."

"Nothin' ever easy with you is it?"

He can hear her silent O of accusation without even takin' his off the road.

"I just don't typically eat at 3 o'clock in the morning."

He's grinning as he pulls into a White Castle.

"No time like the present."

--

She's sprawled across him, speak-yelling out the window into the drive-thru speaker.

"I will have a double cheeseburger slider special with the, umm, the loaded fries and.... a chocolate shake."

"Damn."

"Go big or go home, right?" Her shark-tooth grin glistens.

It's hard not to smile back, her nose blushed red from the wind, eyes sparkling. So he does. Like an idiot.

Their haul arrives, and they settle up. (He paid, only cause she didn't bring no wallet, and apparently doesn't appreciate bein' called out on it.)

"No eating in this car, though."

Her french-fry pace doesn't slow.

"Elizabeth, I'm serious."

"Are you kidding me? I am not standing outside."

"We'll eat inside then."

"I am in my pajamas."

"Aint nobody in there."

"This was your idea!"

"You're the one ordering cheese-covered shit, not me."

"I can't go in there." Her arms are crossed like a petulant little child.

He sighs.

"My pajamas are see-through."

"Yah mama, I know." His mouth slips into a smirk as he looks her slowly up and down, and she playfully hits him on the arm.

So they end up in yellow-plastic seats across from one another, with their backs to a ball-pit play area.

It's fuckin weird. It's nice.

Fun, even.

Under the harsh flourescent light, she's even more exposed than before. He's no better in his sweatpants and tee-shirt. No one's around, and with the way she's laughing, the way his body feels relaxed like it hasn't in weeks, it makes him think that very little would shake them from this moment. The whole damn city could come through those swinging doors, and he might not even notice.

Ah, damn.

The sky is grey in anticipation of daylight by the time he pulls back up to her door. They'd been quiet on the way back, yawning from time to time. She'd been humming a simple tune.

They sit like that for a beat in the driveway. Peaceful. Content.

"Dean took the kids."

"When?!"

"This evening. Well, yesterday evening I guess. Last night."

He scrubs his hand over his face, unsure how to play this, scared to expose the way he's feelin'. Been feelin'.

Scared something in his eyes might give away how many nights he's spent sittin' on this very street, pretending she ain't the reason why.

"Shit, Elizabeth. I'm -"

"No. It's okay. I had a really good night." She turns to him now. A shy smile hesitating on her lips.

He nods.

"Get some sleep okay?"

"You sound like my -" But the car door shuts.

She's walking up the driveway and into the sunrise.

He knows he'll sleep the moment his head hits the pillow.

Shit.

#vrooom vroom vibes #for meg #hello megan #do u like my drivey fic #brio #prompts #lil baby prompts #beth x rio #goodgirls fanfic #goodgirls fanfiction #briofanfic

[actualbird]

It's funny because whenever I play an otoge and that I like two guys, I end up shipping them a bit. I couldn't play tears of themis for a while tho, so I don't know much about the guys interaction outside of work and bickering over the heroine, does any have some sort of friendship? (Especially Marius and Luke)

I like Marius but I love Luke more, but still he sound like such a refreshing kind of lover that I am really curious about how he would work in a relationship with Luke

eyyo!! welcome to playing tears of themis, i hope ur having fun!! funfact: this is the first ever otome game ive ever played haha.

as for ur questions: in canon, theres soooome past/offscreen interaction between the boys outside of work and bickering over mc. heres some off the top of my head

vyn is marius' private tutor. marius only returned from florence to stellis in 2029 so thats the earliest vyn could have started teaching him, so marius has known vyn since he was 20 and vyn was 26 (they maaaaybe could have met in passing before since vyn worked with marius' older brother, giann, but thats just me speculating) and thats a whole year to have interacted outside the nxx (whenever the hell the current nxx team started)

.....okay wait, nope, outside of work means outside of the nxx and the above is basically it KJBSJBKSD

artem and vyn met each other at some point before our view of the story starts, but it's most probably because of the nxx. same with marius and artem.

LUKE, my darling baby boy, is an odd one out because he only arrived at the nxx at episode 5 of the main story. he literally only met everybody then and there.

so huhu, in terms of the boys interacting with each other outside of work and outside of bantering over mc, the game doesnt show us anything outright. but thats what makes fanworks so fun!!! we can expand on implied histories, speculate on possible dynamics based on what we do know, etc etc.

so while i dont have any canon evidence as to how marius/luke would be like...

IVE WRITTEN A LOT OF STUFF FOR MARLUKE ANYWAY, HAHA!! maybe goin thru these can give u my answer to "how they are in a relationship"

ao3 fanfic: instructions unclear, got my hatred turned into begrudging endearment [comedy, marius "hates" luke.]

hc: marius/luke general ship dynamic hcs: part 1. part 2

hc: marius/luke try (and fail) to matchmake vyn/artem

minific: nsfw. marius/luke, a/b/o au, theyre both alphas

minific: marius/luke. marius does a honeypot for a case

i hope this answer helps!!!

#i think my mission is to create a bigger marluke nation before i post my first real ass marluke fic on ao3 #not what the market wants? I WILL MAKE THE MARKET MYSELF #tears of themis #itadoraable #asks

[aragima]

hannibal questions! 🍖🔪

@nietzscheantrout @horrorlesbians and @hanniba1 wanted me to answer these hannibal questions and i wrote too much but oh well! thanks to all 3 of you ilu!!!

favorite episode and why: oh we’re just goin straight to the hard questions huh um OKAY so i think i can only do an ep a season - s1: SORBET SUPREMACY! you get to see the exact moment will looks at hannibal and thinks “.........shit. it’s him isn’t it. he’s The One. SHIT.” and that is so important to me - s2: this one is really hard maybe naka-choko? it’s so fucking gay and sexy. but tome-wan... but mizumono............ yeah idk - s3: torn between digestivo and the wrath of the lamb cuz they both hurt SOOO good much; i love will breaking up with hannibal and hannibal manipulating the situation so will can’t leave asldkjansk it’s so toxic we have to stan..... and for twotl i mean do i really have to give a reason every scene LIVES in my mind and it contains my favorite shot in the whole show:

that is LOVE baby! that is DESIRE! that is being ENTHRALLED!!!!

least favorite episode and why: i feel like they’re all so necessary that it’s kind of impossible to say but probably antipasto. i get sick of hannibal and bedelia’s shenanigans really quickly and as much as i hate to admit it... i miss will. i also think it was an extremely weak season opener and i blame it for getting the show canceled sjshshsgsg the resentment...

favorite side character: chiyoh or jimmy or actually wait— RANDALL TIER 🖤

if you could bring back one character who died, who would it be?: RANDALL FUCKING TIER. i want there to be a weird thing with him and hannibal and will going on. but also i love what his death did for will so idfk, other than him it’s gotta be beverly

dish prepared in the show that you would like to try eating/making: i was supposed to make hannibal’s osso bucco recipe like 3 weeks ago but it completely slipped my mind so i guess i’ll get on that my next grocery trip  

which side character would you kill off?: chilton just because for god’s sake just let the man DIE ALREADY poor guy <- i’m taking ava’s answer because YEAH

was there any scene that you didn’t like to look at?: nah. the skin ripping scenes at the beginning of either kaiseki or sakizuki (idk i don’t remember, i hardly watch s2a) are particularly brutal but i tough it out

biggest ship: i mean do i even have to say

why did you start watching hannibal?: my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, and her dad were watching it as it was airing and i was like “oh cool hannibal lecter origin story” but due to inconsistent access to the episodes i would just watch it randomly and that is... not the way to watch hannibal. i gave up around the end of s2 but knew hannigram was It regardless. i decided to watch s3 for the first time earlier this year just to have finished it and was like HOLD UP and did an immediate rewatch that left me... well, how i am now

favorite hannibal fic if you’ve read any?:

oh boy. yall ready for this? all of these can be found on ao3 obviously (i’m so sorry this is so long but i guess i’ve been asked to put together a fic rec anyway)

as soft, as wide as air by blackknightsatellite, the ladders series by emungere, blackbird by emungere, consenting to dream series by emungere, taken for rubies by emungere, at first meeting by emungere, protect me from what i want by @alienfuckeronmain, god of the cold, cold wars by highermagic, the abyss smiled back by highermagic, pomegranate seeds by highermagic, absolute zero by highermagic, in the truly gruesome do we trust by sidnihoudini, TKO by sidnihoudini, oh dear by lunarwench, each according to its kind by chapparral_crown, a flood in our hearts by nanoochka, let me sinful be by darlingred, uncomplicated by stratumgermanitivum & youaremydesign, good bones by @damnslippyplanet​, like they do in babylon by @damnslippyplanet​, your obedient servant by kareliasweet, past our satellites by shotgunsinlace, only the tender meat by isagel, the shape of me will always be you by missdisoriental, a white-walled room by rodabonor, spleen et idéal by rodabonor, the paper doll series by rodabonor, a common point of interest by rodabonor [i do NOT like a/b/o stuff but if i did... it’s this fic], just thought you should know by earthsickwithoutyou, the sacrificial lamb by princesskay, transcendent suffering by itsbeautiful, not something polite by moistdrippings, leave your message after the tone by onewhositswithturtles, holes in the floor of the mind by feverdreamblood, crossing caina by feverdreamblood, the archipelago series by melusine10, but seas between us braid hae roar’d by kareliasweet

have you watched any of the hannibal films?: yeah all of them except manhunter! i grew up watching silence of the lambs because my mom loved it and i went thru a big edward norton phase as a teen so i’ve seen red dragon like 10 times

have you read the thomas harris books?: no and i’m not going to lmao #fakefan

favorite murder tableau: if we’re talking just hannibal’s- the judge. if we’re talking Murder Bad But Kinda Pretty like in general probably the mushroom people or the totem

favorite blood spill: will imagining hannibal while he beats randall to death or The Gutting of Will Graham

what’re some of your headcanons?: - will is good at shibari (backed up in canon: his fishing knots, the firefly man’s full body hishi karada harness) - hannibal rarely listens to modern, non-classical music but he’s a björk fan and he saw one of her chapel performances during the vespertine era and was Moved - will listens to classic rock (zeppelin, the doors, pink floyd) with some classic country (patsy, merle, johnny) and blues (billie, muddy, bessie) thrown in. he’s also a sucker for early/mid-90s college rock/alternative/grunge - will plays the piano (because of the piano in his living room) and the harmonica (because he’s country white trash); he’s kind of shit tho - hannibal fell for will somewhere between “my thoughts are often not tasty” and “you won’t like me when i’m psychoanalyzed” (love at first sight! at last sight! at ever and ever sight!!!) - will’s circumcised, hannibal isn’t 🤪 - hannibal’s a gemini!!!! adaptable, creative, intelligent, outgoing, impulsive, etc - will’s an aquarius!!!!! analytical, a loner, temperamental, unique, compassionate, etc - will’s mom was jewish go read my fic about it https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774326 - hannibal is an agender man (tbh i think of this as canon, it’s just unstated/undefined) - hannibal can speak russian, spanish, and a teensy bit of portuguese in addition to the other languages we know he speaks (lithuanian, english, french, italian, japanese) - will speaks limited amounts of french; he learned it as a kid in louisiana - ED TW will sometimes has a Difficult relationship with food due to food instability by the way of poverty as a kid and goes through periods where it’s hard to keep himself fed, but hannibal is so good for him in that way because he keeps him from going hungry 😓 (yes this is me projecting but also it makes SENSE) - hannibal typically bottoms but THEY DEFINITELY ARE BOTH VERS and will never stops being surprised by how much he loves catching a dick. every time is like religious experience. okay? okay - they’re also both very kinky and switches but tbh.... will was made to Dom hannibal like that’s the reason he exists he could drag that old bitch around by a leash and hannibal would be in heaven HANNIBAL WOULD CALL HIM SIR - the first time they have sex hannibal comes like immediately but he isn’t embarrassed because he’s hannibal fucking lecter and hannibal lecter doesn’t get embarrassed - i have a hc for their favorite sex positions but i’m not gonna put that here because i don’t want yall calling me crazy any more than you probably already do but if you wanna know just DM me all i do is think about them fucking it’s a curse - okay no more dirty stuff abigail called hannibal “dad” on more than one occasion and it was half-joking but it also felt comfortable to her; she never thought to call will “dad” because he’s a weirdo and never knew her as much as he knew his idea of her - hannibal taught her to play piano at the cliff house - beverly is pansexual!!! - brian and jimmy kissed one time when they were drunk and they NEVER talk about it EVER - chiyoh is straight probably. i know, i know, everyone says she’s a lesbian and if she’s a lesbian to you that’s awesome! she’s a lesbian! but idk i just think she’s SO fucking straight and tbh i mourn bc that’s my wife. she could MAYBE be bicurious... - chiyoh is non-monogamous and doesn’t do serious relationships, she doesn’t like the idea of being tied to one person ever since she left the lecter castle - she helped hannibal and will escape after The Fall; she told hannibal she would continue to watch over him and i think she did, she got them a boat and got them the fuck out of there - MOLLY IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT WILL. SHE’S SO GLAD SHE GOT OUT OF THAT WHEN SHE DID. she has a good, long talk with alana and finds out all the shit about him and hannibal that will never told her (and it was a lot), gets drunk and burns all his shit, and then washes her hands of the whole thing; moves to a different state, gets a girlfriend, and never thinks about will again

okay i’m capping it there or i’m never gonna stop!! i’m not tagging anyone cuz i think everyone has done this by now lmao but if you’re a mutual who hasn’t and you want to just do it and say i tagged you!! mwah!!!!

#blood #long post #hannigram fic rec #hc

[vanchlo]

The Assistant / Chapter Twenty Seven, “Meet Me in the Hallway”

New to the story or want to catch up? Find all chapters HERE! :-)

Ok I didnt forget this time :/

                           *  SNEAKYYYYYYYYY PEEK TIME *

“Why’re you annoyed I said that? Is it ‘cause that’s what you want? Did I expose your secret fantasy? ‘Cause ya know you can still go and date him, maybe it’s even easier now that you don’t work for him anymore.”

“Robbie, stop.”

“I can keep a secret. Scout’s honor.”

“No, you can’t! You always say that and it’s never true. And you were never in Boy Scouts,” I scoff, holding onto tufts of his jean jacket.

“I was too! Now, stop avoiding the question. Why won’t you give Harry another chance?” Robbie continues, veering back to the topic I so conveniently changed.

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Hmmm, I don’t think I believe you, Ree,” Robbie tsks. “But I’m going to get the truth out of you one of these times.”

P.S - I apologize for any spelling/grammar errors or stuff that should be bolded/italicized that I missed, I already edited this chapter on here a few times and Tumblr kept losing it ugh. 

Enjoy!

“I don’t know,” she replies, yanking at the corners of my heart. A sigh escapes my lips when I feel my heavy head fall into my hands. “M-my dad,” Becky continues, but her words collapse into tears before too long. 

I almost tell her that I already know, but my lips stop just in time. I don’t want her to get mad at Asher. And if I’m honest, our secret elevator meetings to talk about her are the highlight of my week. But my lips search for something to say. The sound of her tears is all I can hear, no matter how badly I ache to take them away. 

“He has c-cancer, Harry,” Becky says, her words tumbling out sloppily. They pull at my heart again, making it fall another notch. 

“Fuuuuuuuuck . . . . ’m so sorry, Becks . . . . Are ya okay?”

“No, w-why would I be? How could I be?” she responds, her words falling out fast. 

“Becks . . have ya been drinkin’, love?” I ask tentatively, wincing when I hear her groan. 

“I don’t wanna ‘ear it. Imma grown woman. I can bloody drink if I want t’ and-,” she argues, her voice steely. I’m caught off guard by the confrontation, and it only makes me feel worse. 

“Tha’s not what I meant, love. I jus’ . . . ,” I try, my train of thought fleeing me. All of my thoughts do, because I wasn’t expecting this. I don’t even know if I’d have any better idea of what to say if I’d had notice she was going to call. That she was going to remember who I was for the first time in 9 months. “Are ya atta pub? Cuz I jus’ wanna know yer safe. I can leave an’ give ya a lift home if ya need,” I finish, unsure of how she’ll take my words. 

She’s quiet and it only makes the scary thoughts buzz louder in my head. 

What if she gets the idea to drive herself home?

What if some drunk bloke bothers her and she can’t fend for herself?

What if she tries to walk home in the rainstorm?

What if she keeps drinking, not knowing when to stop?

What if-

“No, I’m at home. In me bed. I’m not st- dumb, Harry,” she slurs, showing me a side of her I’ve never seen. We’ve had drinks together before - in my office or rarely at a pub. But she never got drunk before. 

“I don’ think ya are, bug,” I counter, the nickname falling effortlessly from my tongue. “’m really sorry ‘bout yer dad. D’ya know how bad it ‘s yet?”

“Noooo, other than that ’s somewhere . . . like in uh Stage 2 . . or somefiing,” Becky answers, her words all over the place. “It’s t-the prostate. Ya know that fing that uh . . . is . . where ‘s it ‘gain?” One of her many words that don’t make much sense.

“Ya I know what it ‘s an’ where. I uh have one of ‘em,” I finish for her. I’m rewarded by hearing her decadent laugh. A sound I’ve craved and missed for so long. I missed it more than I thought I had, I realize as a smile pulls my cheeks upwards. 

“Oh ya. I uh kinda forgot ‘bout dat,” she titters, encouraging a chuckle from my now smiling lips. 

But her laugh fades first and mine follows. Because she didn’t call to laugh at my lame jokes, or to catch up on things we’ve missed in each other's lives. No, not really. 

“He’d been ‘aving pains. So bad he can’t eat, or use the uh loo . . He told me when we was there wit’ Robbie and . . . . he looked baaad,” she tells me, her voice catching on the last word. I feel my heart shudder in pain again, and suddenly I realize the validity of the second-hand pain phenomenon. “And I jus’ dunno ‘ow I’m gonna do dis. I wanna help him and take care o’ him . . . But I’m t’ree hours ‘way and . . . I just dunno how t’ do dis.”

“There’s no real setta rules, love. No guideline or brochure fer how t’ handle it . . Ya jus’ gotta do yer best, an’ love him . . ‘m sorry,” I tell her, not knowing what else to say. 

“You’re sorry?” she laughs, pulling my eyebrows into a knot. “Tha’s a firssssst.”

I listen to her laugh some more, savoring it. But I’m also confused and a little offended. But then it stops abruptly and I hear her sniffle. “I’m the one whoooo should be sorry,” she begins, tears lacing into her words. And taking all of mine with them. “You’re just trynaaaa help, and I’m bein’ mean and rude just like I always am to ya. Ughhhh, I dunno why I even called.”

“No, ‘s okay. Yer goin’ thru a lot an’ . . . I appreciate ya callin’. I jus’ hope ‘m helpin’,” I say quickly, dropping a hand in defeat. It finds its way to my pants and I pick at the loose thread that’s been bothering me all day. 

“But I am, Harry! I’m mean and I make no sense a-and I’m jus’ loadin’ onto ya. But I dunno who else t’ call, cuz ’m tryna t’ be strong forrrrr Robbie. And not worry Skye, an’ I jus’ dunno what t’ do, Harry,” Becky says, the last of her words dissolving into sobs. Biting my lip at the sound of her crying into my ear, I keep biting and biting as she cries. I yank at the thread and feel it dig into my skin, but I don’t let go. “I don’t wanna lose me dad afta I already lost you.” 

It takes a few seconds of telling myself, but I slowly release my bottom lip. I huff, swiping my tongue across my lips. I taste the metally blood coming from the stinging cut. And then the warm taste of salt joins it on my tongue. Pressing my lips together, the pain only intensifies. But I let it stay as tears roll down my cheek. My finger burns, but only for a few short seconds when I finally rip the thread from my pants. It doesn’t compare to the pain I feel inside of my chest, like a vice around my heart. Tightening and throbbing. 

The line grows silent, but I know she’s there. Because I hear her shallow breathing, and the occasional sniffle. And I know that she’s still crying, because I hear the whimpers that she tries to hide. Even if she is drunk. And the pain only keeps coming, because I hate that I can’t do anything to stop hers. Nothing at all. 

“I miss ya so much, Becks,” I whisper, not believing the words coming from my mouth. But they feel good. Freeing. Almost exciting. 

“I . . . I do too, b-but I can’t go down that road ‘gain, Harry. I- I can’t do this,” she rushes. I hear noises on her line, but I can’t get out the words before the it goes dead. Silence.

I feel my phone slide from my hands slick with tears. It falls to the floor with a thud, but I hardly hear it. Because her voice is drowning out the sounds of everything else. 

The thunder. 

The rain falling harder by every second. 

I press the pads of my fingers into my eyes and let my own rain fall. My fingers grow wet with every tear. Every single one I held in as her voice graced my ears. The tears that grew from the pain I heard in her voice. From when I heard about her dad’s diagnosis. And I think the ones I’ve been pushing away for a long time. 

The rain welcomes a friend, and I join the drops drilling against the glass until the storm passes. But I know that although the storm inside of me passed for a little while, that it’s only come back stronger. The velvety sofa cushions and pillow welcome my tired body. I fall into a fitful sleep with her comforting voice dancing through my head. The only place I can see her again, and where I didn’t fuck everything up.  

+

“Don’t worry, Becky. We’ll get this all figured out. You just do your best and take care of yourself and your father. Keep me updated on what you learn, and if you need extensions. Alright?” 

“I can’t tell you how grateful I am,” I reply emphatically. 

He nods before patting my arm and telling me to have a good day. I return it before leaving his office and feeling the slightest weight leave my shoulders. That was the easy part, I think to myself as I find my way through the twisty halls. 

Looping my arm through my other backpack strap, I turn a corner and keep walking. I feel my heartbeat start to slow down after that nervous meeting with Professor Alcott, finishing up my afternoon of meeting with my professors. I couldn’t even believe the words leaving my mouth to grace their ears. 

My dad was diagnosed with Stage 2 prostate cancer recently. We still don’t know a lot, but I wanted to let you know. I plan to still stay enrolled in the program and I’m committed to my courses. At the same time, I’m going to do what I can to take care of him. I will keep you updated as I learn more, but there are still a lot of unknowns at this point and . . . , I think, pausing the track I had on repeat for the last few hours. I had to figure out what to say, then rehearse it, and then say all of those words to the stern-looking expressions of my professors. Two of whom I’ve never even met before, because I’m taking their classes online. But my advisor, Sally, told me it would be best to meet with them in person. It’s more personal and shows your commitment blah blah, she said. 

I’m just glad to have that part over with, I sigh inwardly. 

The first fallen leaves of Fall crunch under my lace up purple Vans. The crisp air welcomes me. For a few seconds, I lose myself in the beginnings of the changing colors of Autumn. But the incessant worrying thoughts that have plagued my mind sit at the back, ready to pounce. I was rather numb for the first several days. I didn’t know how to function normally. Let alone inform my professors professionally and in person about the events that just rocked my life. I’m relieved that they were all very accommodating and kind to me about the news. But I know that the hard work is just about to begin. 

A U2 song pours from my speakers as I back out of my parking space and start my journey home. I try to lose myself in the beloved lyrics, but it’s hard. When they become too relatable and too nostalgic, I skip it and the stereo player whirs as it thinks. My Spotify chooses a song at random - a favorite by Vance Joy. I roll my windows down and try to sing along. 

I close my apartment door with my foot, sifting through the mail. 

A bill. An advert for Skye. Another bill. Another cosmetology advert for Skye. An advert from my uni. Something Skye ordered from Amazon. A random magazine subscription that I most definitely don’t want to subscribe to. A sheet of Domino’s coupons. And a square periwinkle envelope with my name scrawled across the front. No return address.

My feet stop in the middle of toeing off my shoes. The one falls to the floor with an echoing thud. I swallow and pad slowly over to the kitchen island. Pushing Skye’s mess over, I let the pile of mail fall with a slap. With one shoe still on, I soon find myself sitting on the arm of the sofa. Backpack still heavy on my shoulders. Keys still hanging around my finger. But all I can focus on is the periwinkle envelope in my hands. And that familiar handwriting. 

I hug it to my chest and tap my fingers along it as I think. 

I know what it feels like, but I don’t know if I want to open it. 

Because I know what will happen if I do. 

But I can’t deny the first bubbles of excitement rising in my chest. 

The first feelings of happiness I’ve felt in 11 days. 

11 days since my dad announced that he has cancer. The dreaded C word. 

My thumb does the first rip without me barely registering it. My excited heartbeat eggs me on. I try to rip it neatly, and leave the pretty envelope intact. But I’ve never been good at opening mail neatly. It’s just too exciting. I see the cursive word on the back first. The card company’s name. 

The card is a periwinkle purple, like the envelope. He remembered it’s my favorite. My eyes fall closed without warning when I feel the hard square inside of the card. A sigh escapes my lips. It only grows longer when I feel the tiny imprints the pen left from pressing down hard in the author’s hand. 

Exhaling slowly, I flip the card over and find a saying that I glance over. The cursive words made permanent by gold lettering tug at my heart. But I know that’s only the beginning. My finger pries at the opening and runs along the inside, feeling the bumpy impressions of the ink words. I rip the bandaid off and open it. But before I read anything, I grab a hold of the plastic square. I place it behind the card in my grip. 

One step at a time. 

The inside of the card is painted with sloppy black writing. At the sight of it, I watch my sight grow hazy. Starting at the beginning, I blink and feel the first tear fall when I see my name. 

Harry’s name for me. 

Dear Becks, 

I saw this card and thought of you. The little bunny on the front just screamed your name, and well it harassed me during my whole shopping trip to buy it. Isn’t it just adorable?  It made me think of the story you told me once about the baby bunny you found with your dad that was hurt. You both nursed it back to health before it hopped away back into the woods. Or your Dad called the animal services to take it to rehabilitate it. You said you couldn’t remember. Anyways, it made me think of you and the unimaginable pain you’re going through. You and your family. I never had the pleasure to meet your Dad but I wanted to extend my sympathies. He must be a pretty incredible man seeing how well you and Robbie turned out. You always spoke fondly of him. I know you’re very close to him, and because of that I know this is even harder for you. I’m so sorry. I’ve been thinking of you and your family often, and wishing there was something I could do to help. I’m so sorry, Becks. I really am. I don’t think there’s much else I can say to comfort you right now, or if there is I don’t know what it is. I’d just suggest doing what you can to be with your father during this time, and although it may be difficult to see him in pain, I think you’d be happy if you were there. No matter how things turn out, I think it would mean a lot to the both of you. I’ve experienced grandparents and loved ones passing, and it’s the shits but whoever said that it’s better to suffer together than by yourself was right. But please take care of yourself too. I don’t know what your plans are, but please don’t load your plate too full. Okay? I’m sorry, but you won’t be much help to your Dad if you’re giving yourself too much work.  I’m so sorry that this is happening to you, Becks. It pains me more than you could know to know that you’re going through this. You and your family will be in my thoughts and prayers during this difficult time. Please let them know that. Take care of yourself, please. For you and your dad. If there is anything at all I can do to help please don’t be afraid to let me know. In the meantime, I hope that this Visa gift card will help. I recall you said you’re from Madley and your dad still lives there, which is quite the trip. I hope this money will help pay for petrol, meals, hospital bills, and anything else that may help make you and your dad comfortable. Myles’ brother who’s a doctor knows of some good docs at The Royal London Hospital where he works - if you’re interested, just give him a ring. I’ll be praying for a hopeful diagnosis and outlook for your dad, and that he recovers from this. I hope you’re hanging in there, Becks. Just take it one day at a time.

Harry xxxxx

My chest shakes with a sob as I breathe in, but it’s so hard. And it hurts. Closing the card, I cover my face with it. And feel the warm tears paint my cheeks. I don’t know where they come from or how I haven’t ran out of them yet, but they keep coming. Without knowing it, I find myself sliding off the sofa and down onto the floor to rest against the sofa. Ugly sounds leave my lips and my body shakes with each sob. For the first time in days, there’s a feeling inside of me stronger than sadness for my dad. 

Longing. 

Missing. 

I miss Harry. And I let myself feel all of it. Like I haven’t been letting myself for months. I forgot how much I missed him. 

The way he could make me laugh. 

How he always knew what to say without worrying it being the right thing. 

His sunshine smile. 

His molasses like voice - deep, rich, and syrupy sweet. 

And most of all, the way his hugs fixed me like a bandaid. I feel my heart wrench with everything I miss, but it especially hurts when I think about how much I miss his hugs. And how badly I crave one right now. No, I need one. 

I cry harder at that, because apparently things can get worse right now, I think inside the chaos that is my mind. 

I miss my dad, even though I saw him yesterday when I went back home. And then I miss Harry, even though I kicked him out of my life. Even though I heard his molasses voice the other day when I mistakenly called him after drinking a bottle of wine. 

I miss him so much and it hurts.

I didn’t know that I could even hurt more than I already was. 

And I wouldn’t have guessed that his card warms my heart, and breaks it at the same time. 

+

My thumb wavers over the keyboard of letters, indecisive and lost. I groan and walk away, padding out of the room and into our main living area. 

“You better be getting a snack since you didn’t eat dinner,” Skye calls out to me from her perch on the sofa. 

“Okay, Mom,” I retort, searching the shelves of the fridge. It sounds bad, but it only took Skye a major life event to do a decent job at grocery shopping, I recount. Grabbing a yogurt from the drawer, an apple, and a spoon from others, I leave with my dinner in hand. 

The food falls to my desk with a clatter as my attention diverts to my phone. Waking it back up, I see the words I had typed out before. Without another thought, I press Send. With wide eyes and a shaky hand, I lay my phone face down away from me. I’ve only gotten settled and read a few lines from my textbook when my phone chimes. With teenage jittery excitement, I stare at it for a few seconds before daring to pick it up. My heart does a somersault in my chest at the sight of the name. 

Harry. 

I read over my text first, and then read his. 

Me

Hi. I can’t thank you enough for the incredibly sweet card. The gift card was more than generous. I don’t know which I cried more at. Just THANK YOU. A lot. I don’t know how many times I can say that. It was so kind of you to think of me and my dad. 

Harry

hi! stop it youre more than welcome. im glad you liked the card. i wasnt sure if it was 2 dorky. u better not have cried at it. im here if u need anything. have a good night xxxx 

My thumbs dance around on the screen. But before long, I set it down and try to immerse myself in my textbook. But it’s hard, because all I can do is think about him and our texts. I was texting him and we were talking, my over excited teenage-like mind thinks. But the adult part of it sweeps it under the rug, or tries to. Those two parts fight each other as I struggle to make sense of the chapter I’m reading. Because the teenage girl side wants to text him back, but the adult side argues there’s nothing to say. And that won’t I just get hurt again? I find myself nodding at that. Or more so, the argument it makes about there being no point in it. But the teenaged side reads into his words and grows excited at some of them. Talk about distracting. 

“Oh my god, just stop!” I mutter aloud, covering my ears but it doesn’t work. Groaning, I flip the page and read on. 

He helped and his card stands on my desk now, but I need to focus on my dad. And school. And this fricken boring chapter that I have an upcoming quiz on.

+

Voices carry down the tiled hallways. The sounds of footsteps sound like ghosts around me. So do the memories I have of these halls. Ones that stab at my insides as I walk further into them. I turn a corner and find the light at the end of the tunnel. He senses me and looks up. He shows a small smile as he crosses his arms over his chest. He’s continued to ignore the the circle of chairs in the waiting area. Instead, he leans against the wall nearby the door we’ve been staring at. 

“Is he done with his labs yet?”

He shakes his head no, narrowing his eyes at me. “You said you weren’t going to go and cry in the bathroom, you liar,” Robbie jokes, but I don’t laugh. He purses his lips and holds his arm out for me. 

I walk into them and rest my head on his chest. “Yeah well, you tell everybody that you’re the older twin when you’re not,” I quip with a sniffle. A laugh rumbles underneath my cheek. 

“That’s ‘cause I am.”

“No, you’re not. Dad only said that when we got in fights to make you feel better,” I reply, closing my eyes and listening to his heartbeat. For some reason, his hugs never fail to calm me down. After a fight we had whether we were 5 or 15, when I snuck into his bed at night when mom and dad were fighting, after a pet died, even after a bad day at school, and especially lately with dad’s diagnosis. It only strengthens my belief about the whole twin thing. 

He scoffs in reply and my lips find a laugh. “I want to see our birth certificates and settle this once and for all.” 

I giggle into his warm chest and close my eyes. But then the thoughts and not longer after, the tears arrive. Robbie squeezes me and tickles my back with his fingers.

“They sounded hopeful at least,” he says quietly.

“Yeah, but they want to do chemo before and after surgery.”

“I know, but they said they have to be sure. If things look good when they’re doing the surgery, like clean margins or whatever it was, then he might not need chemo afterwards,” Robbie points out and I nod, feeling the damp spots on his shirt from my tears. 

“He seems like he’s holding it all together pretty well.”

“Yeah he’s always had super strength. Remember in primary when we wrote that dad was our hero-.”

“And mom got mad,” I finish for him, adding my laughter to his. 

“Yeah. And even though we made that superhero poster about him, I never stopped seeing him as a superhero,” Robbie says, slowly trailing off when the emotions steal his words. 

“Bee, stop, you’re gonna make me cry even more.”

He laughs for a second, but then I hear him start to cry. His chest trembles underneath me. I give up and cry with him. 

“Harry sent me a card in the mail,” I sob, hiccuping in between words. 

“He did? I always knew I liked that guy. What’d it say?”

Something half-scoff and half-laugh is my response before I take a big breath. “I don’t know, it was just so sweet and kind. He said that he’s thinking of all of us, and told me to take care of myself. He said he knows it’s hard to see people you love suffering, but that it’s better to suffer together than on your own,” I choke out, tears drowning my words. “The card had a bunny on it. He said he got it because I told him the story of how Dad and I saved that hurt bunny. I wish he could’ve met dad when I still worked there . . And he sent a $150 Visa gift card to use for bills, petrol, and food.” 

“Wow, that’s crazy generous. Wait, what? You two didn’t save it, the animal control people did,” Robbie argues and I just shake my head. “And don’t say it like that. Dad’s too stubborn to die, you know that. And with how much you talk about Harry, I’m sure you guys are gonna get coffee one day and fall in love and get married,” he continues, his voice quickly turning mocking and girly. I laugh and shove him, stepping away with a laugh. 

“What?” he laughs. His voice is still under water, as is mine. “Why’re you annoyed I said that? Is it ‘cause that’s what you want? Did I expose your secret fantasy? ‘Cause ya know you can still go and date him, maybe it’s even easier now that you don’t work for him anymore.”

“Robbie, stop,” I reply, laughing with emotions fighting in my voice. 

“C’mere,” he says, pulling me into his arms once again. “Ya know you can tell me. I can keep a secret. Scout’s honor.”

“No, you can’t! You always say that and it’s never true. You blabbed to the whole 1st grade I had a crush on Johnny Turner. Then, when I gave you a second chance, you did the same thing again in 8th grade with Willie. And you were never in Boy Scouts,” I scoff, holding onto tufts of his jean jacket. 

“I was too!”

“Being it for one week and quitting because you went home in the middle of the first camp doesn’t count!” 

“I still think it does. I have the outfit, sash, hat, and everything still. I made dad proud, and you know it. Now, stop avoiding the question. Why won’t you give Harry another chance?” Robbie continues, veering back to the topic I so conveniently changed. 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

“Hmmm, I don’t think I believe you, Ree,” Robbie tsks, his scratchy chin resting on top of my head. We hear the click of a door open, and I frantically wipe my eyes. “But I’m going to get the truth out of you one of these times.” 

I roll my eyes at Robbie as I peer up at him. He winks before sloppily kissing my head. 

“Come on, you rascals. Let’s get outta here before they try to poke me with any more needles,” our dad says, walking out of the room with his jacket folded over his arms. 

I know he knows we’ve been crying, but he doesn’t mention it. I think another secret language is already starting to form between us. With Robbie’s arm around my shoulder, I grab hold of my dad’s hand. He turns to flash a tired smile at me, before placing a kiss on my forehead. 

“Thanks for coming, guys,” he hums quietly as we stop in front of an elevator. His smile tugs at my heart. I’m just thankful to be able to still see it. 

Stepping onto the elevator, he squeezes my hand hard, just like he always has done. “Dad, don’t!” I yelp and he chuckles under his breath. 

After pressing the button for the lobby, I see Robbie’s lips bend upwards. This can’t be good. “Hey, dad, when we get home can you pull out our birth certs? I need to know the truth of who’s really the older twin.”

“Oh god. You two are 25 years old, when is this going to be over?!” my dad huffs, rubbing at his eyes, but with a smile. “Maybe I won’t take you with the next time, since it’s giving you existential crises,” he threatens, and we all fall into easy laughter. 

“I’m gonna have an existential crisis if I found out you’ve been lying to me for my whole life,” Robbie exclaims and we all only laugh harder. 

+

My backpack and coat fall to the floor with a heavy thud. With a yawn, I bend over to grab my things. The sound of chattering surrounds me. It slowly grows in volume as I sit there tiredly with my head down. I hear footsteps, laughs, and the scuffling of moved objects. 

“Wake up!” a voice nudges at me. I groan angrily in response and hear laughter in response. I peek through a crack in my arm to find Ruby’s crazy red hair bobbing next to me. My newest friend from Criminology. “Just ‘cause we have a guest speaker today, doesn’t mean you can sleep.”

“Oh, that’s today?” I reply excitedly, returning to the warm cocoon of my arms. 

“Yeah, but we still have to take notes. Ya know like last Wednesday when we had our first guest speaker? We had to write down questions for them, even if we don’t end up asking them. Alcott just wants us to get thinking and to well, pay attention. And not fall asleep like somebody! And then we have to write down 8 things that interested us, so get unpacking,” Ruby replies, her chipper voice drilling into my ears. 

“Noooooo,” I moan, scrunching my face in secret. 

I hear the door to the lecture hall close with a loud bang and Alcott laughs. “Alright, you lot, look alive. Our guest speaker has arrived and is ready to dazzle you this rainy Wednesday morning. Remember to be working on your page of ‘Ahas’ whilst he’s speaking. You’ll be passing it in at the end of class which is in 50 minutes,” Alcott announces. His Southern accent coming out in a few of his words. 

“Shitttttt. I think I might like this guest speaker. Look at him, Becky. He is fineeeeeee,” Ruby whispers, elbowing me hard in the arm. 

With a whimper, I sit up with a secret stretch. Combing my hair back, I rub at one of my eyes as they both struggle to focus. 

“What, who’s fine? What’s fine?” another voice blurts out. I squint and look over to find Simon taking the seat on the other side of me. The little Criminology trio back together again. 

“Not you being tardy, that’s not fine,” Ruby retorts with a smirk in her voice. I can’t help but smile. Simon flashes one at me as he combs a hand through his sandy hair after digging in his backpack. 

“So without further ado, I’d like to introduce our guest speaker today. Harry Styles from Styles and Lawson. Let’s welcome Mr. Styles with open arms and give him our undivided attention, please.”

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me,” I mumble under my breath, coaxing a confused ‘what’ from Ruby and Simon’s lips . 

“Hullo, class. My name ‘s Harry Styles, but ya can call me Harry. Ummmmm as Professor Alcott said, ‘m from tha London law firm Styles and Lawson. Me mate, Myles Lawson, makes up tha otha half o’ tha firm. This year it’ll be 5 years since we started tha firm togetha, which ‘s bloody crazy t’ me. Before, it was his dad’s firm, and long story short, Myles an’ I got togetha an’ here we are. Anyways, I make me rounds in London talkin’ t’ law classes. I’ve always enjoyed speakin’ t’ tha incomin’ lawyers an’ tellin’ some o’ me stories. An’ me favorite part - answerin’ questions. I thought ‘d start with how I got into law, tho’.”

Shit. I really should’ve known this would happen.

“Nothing,” I reply. “J-just hand me a piece of paper and a pencil, please,” I say briskly to Ruby. 

The last thing I want is to make a single sound that will bring attention to me. But it seems like the universe doesn’t really care lately what I want. I’m already trying to figure out my odds of him spotting me in the sea of 50-so students. Amongst 35 or so ogling girls. Typical.

But the more my eyes focus and my ears attune themselves, I lose myself. I knew it wasn’t a dream when I heard the first word from his mouth. I’d know that voice anywhere. But when my eyes finally focus on the towering figure standing at the front of the room, my eyes struggle. Gone are his long curly locks, and replacing them is a short and curly quiff. I try to ignore the somersaults my insides are doing, but it’s terribly difficult. 

Taking a deep breath, I savor listening to the words fall from those smiling cherry lips. In that slow, calming voice. Never being able to remain in one place, he paces around the front of the room slowly. Clad in a gray suit with a black button down, I slowly melt next to Ruby. Who from her choice of words, is doing about the same. Just in a less graphically described way than her. I can’t blame her, because somehow he has only gotten more handsome over the last year. 

“Isn’t he just so nice to look at?” she croons. 

“Oh yes,” I reply without thinking, and she sighs happily.

Simon groans in disgust, shaking his head. I see him out of the corner of my eye playing with the lead in his pencil. He tries to take it out in one piece before putting it back in. Rinse and repeat.  

I bite my lip and somehow tear my eyes away and to the paper sitting in front of me. I scribble my name across the top. Numbering my page, I write down the first ‘aha’ I have. 

1. Renowned lawyer with his own firm at 28. Almost unheard of. 

Tapping the pencil absently at my thigh, I return my attention to the front. Playing with the rings donning his hands, Harry continues with the story of how he came to be a lawyer. One I can’t say I’ve heard before. Stuffing his hands in his pockets, he starts to walk again. Changing his focus from somebody in the front row, it suddenly floats up. 

And lands on me. 

Not only am I surprised, but so is he. The pencil between my fingers halts and altogether falls from my fingers. He stops mid sentence when his eyes lock with mine. My insides grow bubbly as a sparkle gleams in his eyes. I watch a grin unfold on his lips before he composes himself. 

Clearing his throat, he asks, “I-I’m sorry, can somebody uh remind me what I was sayin’?” 

Nervously, he combs a hand through his hair. Laughing, he thanks an eager girl in the front row when she reminds him. And soon enough, he’s back on track with a new nervousness to his voice, or excitement. I’m not sure which. And his eyes trail back to me after a few words, making a smile tickle at my lips. 

Although hard, I look away and pretend to think of something to write. Feeling another pair of eyes on me, I look over and find Ruby’s hot on my cheek. I shrug at her jealous look and she just shakes her head. I laugh under my breath and she kicks me under the table. 

I lose myself in Harry’s words for the rest of his talk, his maple syrupy voice like music to my ears. 

He talks about starting his law firm with Myles.

Some of his favorite cases.

His first case.

His worst case.

His hardest case.

And then he goes on to answer questions. Ruby and I aren’t the only ones fawning over him, because most of the class is as well. Some girls are really flirting it up with Harry. He just relishes in the flattery, to no surprise. I try not to notice the few times he peeks at me when he looks for somebody to call on with a question. 

“Why does he keep looking at you?” Ruby whispers to me as I write down another ‘aha.’ Some random takeaway from another story of his. 

“How am I supposed to know?” I reply, twiddling with my pencil when I’m done. “Why don’t you ask him a question already? I can see the ants in your pants, Rube.”

“I don’t know, I think her question would be if he was single,” Simon jokes, garnering a few curse words from Ruby. I quietly laugh between their hushed argument. 

“Well, ‘m gettin’ tha eye from Alcott, so I reckon that my time’s up with you lot. Thanks fer havin’ me an’ hopefully I wasn’t too boring t’ listen to,” Harry concludes at the front of the lecture hall. 

I pretend I don’t hear Simon’s griping next to me. I can’t help but smile as I slide my backpack onto my shoulders. 

“Not so fast, everybody. What do we say to Mr. Styles for speaking to our class today?” Professor Alcott pipes up. I join in on the class-wide thank you as I hand Ruby her pencil back. 

“I bet you’ll be awake and ready for Wednesday lectures from now on,” she says, winking at me. 

I roll my eyes with a grin as I start down the steps beside her. “Like you’re any better. I saw you both drooling from the corner of my eye,” Simon remarks. 

“Maybe,” I say quietly, stuffing my hands into the pockets of my pullover quarter zip. The last syllable falls from my lips as my eyes pan over to find his head of dark curls.

Nearly at the uppermost row, my view wasn’t the best. As I near closer to him, his features sharpen and with the realization, my heart squeezes in my chest. Light stubble coats his dimpled cheeks as he smiles talking to a classmate of mine. 

I’m only a few footsteps from the bottom now, following the slow line of people who are leaving. The angel and demon, for lack of better words, argue inside of my head. Should I go and say hi? 

Yeah, why not?

No, why would you?

It would be rude if you didn’t.

It would be weird if you did. 

But there are a handful of girls around him probably already flirting with him. 

With an indecisive sigh, I clench my fists inside of my pockets. The two opposites inside of me clash, and I truly have no idea what to do. His card the other day was so kind and thoughtful. But I was a bitch the last time I saw him. I can’t believe it’ll be a year in two short months since I quit. Wow. 

“I dunno why they’re bothering, it looks like he’s taken,” Simon snickers, earning a flick on the head from Ruby. “Don’t be a bitch just because I pointed out the truth. Can’t shoot the bloody messenger, Rube.” 

I don’t intervene when Ruby chases after Simon to the door. Suddenly my feet stop around the corner from the stairs. Only a few more steps and he’d be out of my sight. 

Again. 

For who knows how long until next time. 

I can’t take my eyes off of him. He really looks like he’s enjoying himself talking to law students. Up close, he really has grown more handsome over the last 11 months. I never thought that could be possible. Smiles crease his cheeks.And light up his eyes. 

But when his left hand habitually goes to fix his quiff of curls, I see the gold ring Simon saw. He wore rings, but never that one. It’s like my heart is brought up from the bottom of the lake where it’s been, and takes another nose dive back down.

“Becky!” somebody calls for me. I blink and almost think it’s him. But when I look around for the culprit, I find Simon walking up to me. 

I find it hard to squash the disappointment weighing inside of me. That it’s not Harry. 

“Sorry, Si. W-what’d you say?” I reply, tearing my eyes away from Harry. 

“Don’t look so sad he’s taken,” Si jokes quietly, putting an arm around me and squeezing my shoulder. I force a smile and walk to the door with him. “Wanna go get a coffee? Maybe that’ll cheer you up,” he suggests happily, his voice echoing in the hall to the door. 

“Yeah sure,” I respond slowly, unsure of my words. I let him guide me out of the lecture hall and into the busy hallways. 

Wow, Harry, you moved on from Amber that quick, huh? I think to myself with knitted brows and self-doubt. Swallowing, I try to push the nagging thought away. But I can’t, and I find myself barely able to carry on a conversation with Simon. 

I thought seeing Harry in my lecture was one of the sweetest surprises. Instead, it feels like a happy dream that turned into a nightmare at the end.  

#the assistant #pa harry #the assistant fan fic #harry styles the assistant #harry styles #harry styles au #lawyer au #harry styles lawyer #lawyer fan fic #assistant x lawyer #harry styles fanfiction #fine line #one direction #harry #harry fanfic #fanfiction #wattpad #story #writing #fan fic

[lovlae]

miss maya I’m goin thru it :/ I got a boyfriend but then 3 weeks later we broke up. He called me multiple times a day and I just asked him to give me some space and not call me as much, & he broke up w me bc of that. I’m 23 & this is my first relationship . I always dreamed of romance and falling in love but now I’m embarrassed and sad .. I feel like I’m in high school lol. Is this embarrassing? Should I lie and say we were together for longer or something?

he sounds really immature :( obviously if the relationship was able to fizzle away that quickly it wasn’t built on open communication and emotional intimacy to begin with! which is OKAY!!!!! it’s a learning experience! :) don’t let this one thing ruin your view of love and relationships, if anything it should help you know what kind of partner you want in the future. there’s nothing to be embarrassed about 💖 things like this happen, you’re most likely not going to meet the love of your life in your first ever adult relationship and that’s a good thing. you need time and experience to grow and learn. don’t lie, it’s a really silly thing to lie about in my opinion. the wound is still fresh but i promise it’s gonna be okay. i bet in a few months this experience will turn into a running joke amongst your friends/family lol! me and my friends/family definitely reflect on some of our past relationships with jokes and stuff, it’s important to let things go eventually. and i say this with love; if a 3 week relationship makes you feel embarrassed and makes you feel like love and romance is now false, you probably need more experience before you even think about getting into exclusive relationships! it’s important to date multiple people before committing so you don’t end up with a guy who breaks up with you over differences in communication. don’t jump into anything just bc you want a boyfriend and you want to be ~in love~. take your time and don’t get caught up in your expectations of love. let go!!!!! have fun!!!! everything is a learning experience that helps you grow! 🌷🌻