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bellascool · 1 year

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clown trauma

PABLO GAVI

posted : 15/04/2023 (European date)

masterlist

requests open !

english is not my first language, I apologize for the mistakes.

TW : traumas, clowns

Clowns.

They were your biggest fear and your worst nightmare.

You hated them, even when it was just a silly cartoon, you still couldn't watch them without feeling fear rushing down your blood.

All of your friends knew about the trauma you had when you were still a little girl.

All alone, you lost your parents in the amusement park and everyone knows that a kid + amusement park + without parents + dark outside = bad ending.

As you were trying to find them, you bumped into a tall man that had a silly colorful costume, a red nose and a red wig.

When you tried to ask for help, he lifted you in his arms and took you in a dark corner where no one could possibly come to help.

You tried to get away but it was too late, his grip was way too strong for a 7 years old girl.

The rest of the story was too painful for you and you still cried every time you had to tell someone what happened.

All you could say was that your parents never took you to the amusement park again, firstly because you were too traumatized to go back again and secondly because they didn't wanted to feel again the pain they felt when they saw their daughter crying for days, even weeks after that.

•

"I don't know.. Maybe it's too much Lia" Pedri said as he drank his water on the side of the pitch

"Come on don't worry, she always pulls pranks on us too"

"Yeah but not in a bad way"

"She shaved your eyebrows when you were sleeping, what do you mean not in a bad way?"

The oldest sighed, annoyed by his friend who kept on insisting.

"Okay fine but I won't be responsible for what happens and I won't stay" he said before finally going back to training

Lia internally screamed victory and went back to her seat where she watched the training.

•

On your side, you were trying to not fall asleep on the desk of your uni amphitheater as your maths teacher's voice felt like a lullaby to you.

You missed your home, your bed and mostly your boyfriend who went to training at 6:00am.

It was now 7:00pm and the bell just rang, making you quickly put your things in your bag before rushing to the exit, excited to get some love.

You drove as fast as you could and sighed in relief when you finally saw your house.

You got out of your car after quickly parking in the driveway.

You unlocked the door and dropped your bag on the floor after closing it back.

"I'm home!" you yelled but the only answer you got was silence.

"Pablo?" you said as you checked in the empty kitchen

"Where are you cariño I had a long day and I really want to-" you interrupted yourself by shouting as if you saw a dead body in front of you but instead it was a clown toy [click to see the idea]

It was there, on the kitchen counter and it terrorized you at a point where you couldn't move.

Your breath got heavier and you found yourself sweating as if you ran a marathon.

After a while where you stared at it, you quickly shook your head and ran to your bedroom to find some comfort but oh what a bad idea my dear.

You entered the empty dark room and when you tried to turn on the light, it didn't do anything.

You panicked even more, thinking that everything was against you today.

You grabbed your phone from your pocket and put on the flash in front of you.

The light showed a tall figure with a red curly hair wig, red nose and literally everything that makes a clown a clown.

You screamed from the top of your lungs, your heart was racing in your chest and tears quickly soaked your cheeks.

You pushed the figure who fell on the floor which made you assume that it was a doll and ran to the bathroom.

You locked yourself and slid your body against the door as you tried to get a normal breathing again but you couldn't, the trauma still hit you hard, even years after.

"Please make it stop" you repeated those words, hoping that it was just a nightmare you had

As you were looking at the floor, you saw a gloved hand with a tissue appear on your field of vision.

You slowly lifted your head and your eyes met the dark pupils of the fucking clown.

You didn't even scream, you felt your body getting heavier and suddenly everything went black.

•

"You're so dumb oh my God!" you heard yelling but it was like you were underwater

"How would I know she was that scared?"

"Well maybe because she's your fucking best friend I don't know?"

There was 3 voices, a feminine and two masculine ones.

After a while in the darkness, you finally managed to open your eyes and saw your three friends along with your boyfriend around you.

"She's awake! Y/n how are you feeling sweetie?" Aurora asked you as she helped you sit on the bed

"I'm tired, my chest hurts, I'm hungry and it's like I had the worst nightmare I could possibly have in my whole entire life" you said as you watched the 3 others stop arguing to approach you

"Hungry, you're hungry. I'll get you some food or maybe you want me to cook? I can do whatever you want or-"

"Oh my God calm down you're giving me a headache" Lia said cutting Pablo

"Shut up no one asked you to talk after what you did" he gave her a death stare and you would swear that if looks could kill, she'd be dead now

"What did you do?" you harshly asked, every word hurting as your throat was dry

"I don't think we should talk about it now" she shook her head but the two boys weren't sharing the same opinions

"Oh no we should totally talk about how a bitch you were for making your best friend live her trauma once again" Pedri said clearly annoyed

"I'm the bitch? Why didn't you say no then?"

"Maybe because you're so annoying and in the end I didn't even help you"

As things started to get heated, Pablo(who was surprisingly silent)'s sister decided to calm down the situation.

"Amigos, even if I share the same opinion with Pedri, we shouldn't start arguing in front of Y/n like she isn't there" she said calmly as she stroked your hair gently

"Lia I think you should leave, now" Pablo said not looking at her once

"But why? She's my-"

"No she's not and that's my house so if I tell you to leave, you do without even complaining, now please leave" he cut her

She sighed before leaving the room and probably the house too, now you were even more confused.

"What happened?" you asked still trying to know why they would kick her from your house

"I don't want to hurt you but-"

"She's the one who made all the clown prank on you" Pedri cut Aurora who sighed

"Oh" was all you managed to say

"Pedri I think we should leave" the oldest said as she stood up

"Fine, you can call me anytime if you need something Y/n" he finally turned around and left the room, closing the door behind him, leaving you and Pablo alone

You didn't know what to say, you were still shocked by what happened earlier and your heart was still racing a little.

Without saying anything, he laid down next to you before putting his arm around your waist, bringing you closer to him as his free hand found its way to the back of your head. Your face was now on the crook of his neck, his cologne impregnating your nose.

Without even noticing, tears started to fall which he felt since he hugged you even tighter.

"I'm so sorry" he whispered against your hair

"Don't, you didn't do anything" you said between hiccups

"I wasn't there to help you and now you have another trauma"

"It'll pass don't worry" you softly left some kisses on his neck, your tears drying as he made the situation way better

"I love you but not just love you like you're my soulmate"

"You're so sweet, I love you too" you smiled and left his neck to kiss his lips passionately as he kissed you back

"Aww cariño" you heard from the other side of the door

"Aurora!" his brother yelled after he detached from the embrace to look at the door

"Lo siento!" she said back before finally really leaving as her footsteps faded

"Back to what we were doing" he turned back his head to look at you with a small smile on his face which you returned

"Come here" he pulled you even closer to his body as if you would escape anytime and slowly, your eyelids got heavier and you fell asleep cradled by his warm arms.

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fayeandknight · 2 months

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Pity party, table for one

This feels so stupid to admit, but today really hurt my feelings.

All the trainers piled in the van and went on a training out. Without me. I was not invited. I watched them call another trainer on the walkie to be like "impromptu outing, grab a dog and let's go". I was standing outside setting up training for a dog around car manners but hadn't started. I was literally right there.

One of them even called out the window that they'd pick up ice cream on the way back and asked me to have the others text what they wanted. So it's not like they didn't see me.

But I dutifully did so and when they came back, oops the shop must have forgotten my order. Everyone else got ice cream but me.

And it's so stupid to let my feelings be hurt by this. I know it is. And I honestly don't think anything intentionally mean spirited happened. But between usually being the one left out, hello autistic experience, and old high school trauma, it's just feels overwhelmingly lonely.

And that old trauma is particularly hard to combat, because it lends truth to the common fear that everyone secretly, or not so secretly, hates me and wishes I would die. Short version is that I had a falling out with my best friend and she led a school wide campaign, including teachers, to bully me with the admitted to goal of having me become so depressed and isolated that I'd kill myself.

I know this is not that. I do.

But it felt like it. The memory of how it started with people being nice enough to my face but never including me holding hands with how I never seem to make it into the inner circle anywhere because there's something slightly off about me. (It's the autism.)

And it just fucking sucked.

So I cried in the bathroom, invoking my superpower of being able to bawl my eyes out without making a sound. But it felt overlaid with the past where I used to eat lunch in the bathroom to avoid the bullying once it got really bad.

I barely slept last night so being very tired on top of everything else definitely did not help.

I wish I knew the secret to being included. To have people actively choose my company outside of needing something from me. I wish I wasn't such a baby over not getting ice cream. I wish I could pry the past's sticky fingers off of the present.

#personal post #i'm just venting #vent post #references to past trauma #don't mind me #I'm just over here playing the world's smallest violin for myself

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harlowsbby · 2 years

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My baby boy

This is a little headcannon of all the moments the reader got emotional when Phoenix and Venus did simple things and Urban always being kinda annoyed. 😭💗. Thank you @moody4world for the idea 💗

Phoenix’s first birthday

You were an emotional wreck today and you had every right to be it was Phoenix’s first birthday, you’ve been up since three am getting all of the decorations together and ready and making sure everyone that was invited was still coming.

“Urban! Have you seen the knife for the cake I can’t find it anywhere?!” You huffed and searched through all of the cabinets and the dishwasher you were starting to get frustrated.

“Baby, the knife is literally in your hand you need to calm down the party is going great and Phoenix is having a wonderful time, look at him.” Urban placed his hands on your hips and brought you into him before pointing to where Phoenix was.

You smiled seeing him running across the backyard with a toy sword in his hands chasing around Jack and Ace before “stabbing” them both. Phoenix erupted into a fit of giggles as Jack fell dramatically onto the floor.

“He is having fun isn’t he.”

“He is baby stop stressing out so much and come enjoy the party.” After awhile of playing with everyone it was time to cut the cake.

Urban and You stood behind Phoenix as he sat on the chair.

“Okay is everyone ready to sing happy birthday?” Neelam asked and pulled out her phone, she was meant to be recording Phoenix but she smirked and had the camera on you she knew any minute know you’d be a crying mess.

“Ready and go..”

“Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you.” Everyone sang and you weren’t sure what it was maybe it was reality kicking in that your sweet baby boy was officially one and growing up. You just immediately started crying.

“What baby what’s wrong?”

“He’s just growing up so fast and I can’t take it.” You cried into Urban’s chest and everyone coo’d but laughed at you at the same time, everyone but Urban. He loved you he did but you tended to be overly sensitive.

“Please God if she’s going to be like this till Phoenix is 18, help us now.” He mumbled and rubbed your back while Phoenix began to dig into the cake with his hands.

Phoenix and Venus meeting

Having Phoenix meet Venus was something you couldn’t wait to do, when you arrived back to the hospital you were exhausted and just wanted to sleep but not before Phoenix got to meet his sister.

“Phoenix we’re back home buddy.”

“With my baby sister?!” He yelled from the top of the stairs Urban laughed and set down Venus’s baby carrier on the floor before taking her out.

She squirmed and cried a bit but eventually settled in Urban’s arms.

Phoenix peeked around the corner and watched Urban coo at Venus.

“Phoenix come say hi to your baby sister.” You told him, he walked over to you slowly his dinosaur blanket dragging behind him.

“What’s her name?”

“Her name is Venus.” Urban crouched a bit so Phoenix could look at his sister better. He smiled wide as Venus looked up at him.

“Hi Venus, I’m your big brother Phoenix and I promise to always love you and protect you forever and ever.” That line right there is what sent you over the edge you instantly started crying which caught the attention of Urban and Phoenix.

“Mommy what’s wrong? Are you okay mommy?” Urban sigh and rolled his eyes playfully here you go again.

“Baby why are you crying.. this time?” You punched his shoulder slightly before patting your lap for Phoenix to sit on.

“I just love you all so much I don’t know what I would do without my babies.”

“Probably cry some more.” Urban mumbled but you heard him loud and clear.

“Kiss my ass Wyatt I gave birth to not one but two of your kids so if I wanna cry ima cry.” You defended yourself and Urban tossed his arm up in defense making Phoenix laugh and roll his eyes at the two of you.

Phoenix graduating preschool

“Phoenix Wyatt.” Phoenix’s teacher said from across the stage everyone cheered as Phoenix walked across the stage to accept his little paper that congratulated him on graduating preschool.

“That’s my boy!” Urban yelled, Jack and Neelam held two boxes of tissues with them just incase you started crying.

“Wow I’m surprised you haven’t started crying yet Y/N.” Jack teased.

“Me either baby, usually you’d be a crying mess by now I’m proud you’re working on it.”

“I don’t want to be that parent that cries over the silliest and dumbest things I’m proud Phoenix graduated preschool but that’s nothing to cry about.

“Wow someone is changing.” You rolled your eyes and focused on Phoenix’s teacher Ms. Honey.

“Before we wrap everything up we do have one more award to give out, this award will be given to one student. This student has a special place in my heart he’s always been such a big help in my classroom this year, he’s always checking on his classmates and making sure they understand the school work given to them, at times I have to remind him that he isn’t the teacher.” Everyone laughed at her comment.

“This award is the honorable student of the year and I’m giving this award to none other then Phoenix Elliot Wyatt.” Ms. Honey spoke into the microphone.

“What? He won another award. My baby just won the most honorable student of the year award.” You tried your best to hold back your tears but hearing Phoenix won the most honorable student of the year away had you in tears.

“Oh no not again.” Urban said and took the tissues from Neelam and Jack and handed you some.

“Baby why are you crying this time? I swear every single thing he does you’re gonna cry and you can’t tell me otherwise.”

“He’s just such a sweet boy he’s my sweet baby boy.” You cried and hiccuped, which earned you a few odd glances from parents in the room.

“We did good baby stop worrying and crying so much.. or I’m getting a divorce.”

“I wish you would I’ll rip that beard off your face so fa-.”

“Okay you know we still are very much in this school let’s not fight in front of all of these nice and lovely people.” Jack smiled as some of the parents gave you all odd looks.

Maybe you were a bit sensitive at times when it came to Phoenix or Venus but you were a mother and that’s what mothers do. You were thankful for your little family and wouldn’t want it any other way.

( enjoy this little fluff 💗 )

taglist

@lcandothisallday @heavyhitterheaux

@nattinatalia @hoodharlow @awhoere4more

#jack harlow #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow x reader #urban wyatt concept #urban wyatt blurb

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ellewritesandrants · 2 years

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Billy and Chrissy as Cousins AU

This started off as a wild and random idea but I wanted to see what would happen if I took it seriously

Imagine Neil moving back to Hawkins because he and his sister grew up there and he knew he could straighten his boy out if he took him away from all of the temptations California has. His older sister loves bragging about her daughter Chrissy so he wanted to see what her influence would do to him since they were the same age and maybe, he hoped that Chrissy would set Billy up with another good Christian girl like her and he’d be able to be as Neil wanted him to be. It’s been years since they last saw each other in person but he knew that they’d been talking for a while, and it may have been what kept his son away from some of the harder drugs and parties.

Imagine tiny chubby Billy meeting baby gymnast Chrissy at every other Thanksgiving and Christmas and all of the major holidays because they used to live in Indiana before Neil moved Billy to California to keep him away from his mother. Imagine Billy writing to Chrissy when they moved after he cries about missing his best friend and his dad just shoves him a piece of paper and a pen to shut him up since he can mail to his sister since he has things to send her anyway.

Once Billy figures out how to send mail, he and Chrissy keep up their correspondence all throughout their childhood and well into their teens. They tell each other everything and she’s the first to know he’s gay and she doesn’t mind at all. She makes sure that Billy gives Max a chance and that they grow to become real siblings because she’s always wanted a sibling so Billy needs to treat his sister the way she would or else she’d stop writing to him. She tells him all about her boyfriend whom Billy says is a complete tool and when she finds out he’s headed to Hawkins after a big beating, she promises to help him in any way she can and that she’ll make him learn to love Hawkins too. She also can’t wait to officially meet Max because Billy’s like her twin so Max is essentially her little sister too.

Imagine Chrissy eagerly telling her cheerleader friends about her cousin who was supposed to transfer to their school today. She hasn’t seen him in years and they don’t send pictures because it costs money to develop. She tells them that he’s a nice choir boy who ran a mini business with baked goods out of his best friend’s kitchen who’s always been on the honor roll and everyone was expecting this fat kid to arrive, looking like every single typical nerd since that was the last picture she had with Billy when all of a sudden a blue Camaro comes roaring into the parking lot and Chrissy squeals because Billy had told her he drove a blue Camaro. She runs to his car and out comes this literal Blond Adonis who immediately pulls her into a spinning hug, straight out of the movies without any difficulty whatsoever. Everyone there just stared in shock for a good minute.

“Chrissy Cat!”

“Billy Bear, you’re here! You look a lot different than you did before.”

Chrissy wrinkled her nose, looking up at him which was odd since the last time they met, they were the same height.

“I told you I got into the gym and working out, but you didn’t believe me.”

“Sorry but you told me you loved to cook and bake. How can you look like that and still cook and bake?”

“My best friend, Argyle and his family eats most of it, so they deal with the weight gain and the washing up while I just do the cooking and baking.”

Just as Billy finished speaking, they heard the first bell ring so Chrissy grabbed Billy’s hand and tugged him to the office, barely letting him lock up his car properly.

“Come on, Billy! We’re going to be late!”

“Hold your horses, Chris. Let me just lock ‘er up.”

“Hurry! First period starts in 15 minutes.”

“I walk fast. Done!”

Since Chrissy was also in all honors classes with her mom’s pressure, she made sure that she and Billy had the same schedule, so they didn’t have any problems. She’d also talked to the teachers in advance, telling them about her cousin and how she’d really appreciate it if they could sit together for the time being while he adjusted to moving to a new town from the city. He had no problem charming the teachers with his knowledge and his smile and by lunch time, Billy Hargrove was the name on everyone’s lips. The old-fashioned teachers pursed their lips at his attire but none of them couldn’t deny that the kid was intelligent, easily assimilating and actually reciting which threw the teachers into a loop since they didn’t expect it. All the girls were wondering who the hell he was and if he was single and honestly, so were some of the boys.

Chrissy didn’t even give Billy the chance to check out the other tables before she yanked him to her table with just the cheerleaders there. Chrissy had been dragging him around the school to every class and he’d just went along with it even if she was a whole head smaller than him. She was very strong even if she was tiny and she was also excited because she got to spend time with her favorite cousin who also happened to be her best friend. Chrissy didn’t even give them the time to interrogate Billy since she speed introduced everyone before asking him about lunch.

Since Chrissy and Billy were the last ones to the table, Chrissy offered to get Billy some food from the cafeteria since everyone else had already gotten food but Billy had declined since he’d packed a lunch and he’d immediately offered to share his with Chrissy once he saw what was offered. After years of wondering what his cooking tasted like, Chrissy happily took the offered sandwich and ate it. Billy had long since gotten used to sharing his food since his best friend in California preferred his food instead, even paying Billy to make his lunch instead of buying from the cafeteria.

“Hey, Bills, do you want me to get you lunch too? I know what’s good here so I can steer you in the right direction.”

Billy brought out his food containers and water jug, meticulously packed in his bag to avoid being crushed.

“No need, Chris. I brought my own. Who knows what they consider food down here?”

Chrissy slapped Billy jokingly on the arm.

“Hey! Don’t insult our food.”

“Seriously, look at my food and compare it to their lunches.”

Chrissy honestly knew that Billy’s would be better just from looks alone but she was also stubborn about proving that Hawkins was alright, so she didn’t budge.

“Come on, I’ll even give you some,” Billy wheedled. “I brought too much anyway since Max wanted to try the cafeteria food. Bet she’ll be begging me to make her lunch tomorrow.”

“That’s a sucker’s bet, Bills but I’ll try it anyway. You brag about your cooking enough that this better be something amazing.”

“Trust me, Chris. It’ll blow your socks off.”

Chrissy definitely wasn’t disappointed since she finished the sandwich in record time, and she was ecstatic when Billy brought out a Tupperware with cookies for dessert since she’d told him a long time ago that chocolate chip cookies were her favorite. She squealed again and hugged him before sharing the cookies with the rest of the cheerleaders whose eyes all widened at how good it was. Chrissy was in the middle of bragging about the different types of things Billy said he could make when a shadow casts itself over her.

“Babe, who’s this?” Jason grounded out.

Billy was immediately on edge, already puffing up his chest, raring for a fight.

“Oh, Jason! Sorry, I forgot to introduce you. Billy, this is Jason Carver, my boyfriend. Jason, this is Billy Hargrove, he’s my cousin on my mom’s side.”

All of a sudden, Jason’s demeanor changed with a flick of a switch. Billy didn’t trust it.

“Oh! Nice to meet the cousin that Chrissy speaks so highly about.” He said, offering his hand out.

Billy stood up, very obviously noting the height and muscle difference between him and Jason before shaking his hand a touch too firm for most people to handle. Jason winced but didn’t pull away.

“Pity I can’t say the same. Chris, is this the best you can do?” Billy asked, pointing at Jason.

Jason took offense to that but he didn’t dare make a scene.

“Hey!”

“Jason’s a good man, Billy. He goes to the same church as us and he’s the best basketball player in our year.” Chrissy protested.

Billy laughed after looking Jason up and down while Jason tried to intimidate him.

“Him? Sorry, sweetheart but I’d mop the floor with him on the court in a heartbeat. Let me guess, his GPA’s a 2.”

“It’s 2.5 actually!” Jason interjected.

Billy scoffed.

“Like that’s any better.”

“What’s yours then, hotshot?”

Billy smirked.

“It’s 4.0, Carver. See you on the court later. Let’s see if you can keep up good enough that I’ll allow you to keep dating my cousin.”

“Excuse me?”

“You’re excused.”

Jason huffed before returning to his table. Chrissy slapped Billy on the arm, for real this time.

“Hey! What was that for?”

“Don’t pick a fight with my boyfriend, Billy.”

“Chris, I know for a fact you can do so much better than that asshole. Why are you even with him?”

Heather, Chrissy’s best female friend finally interjected.

“He’s the next in line king of the school after Steve Harrington dropped the crown. She’s the Queen of Hawkins High as long as they’re together and I’m guessing you know how much Sharon loves those things.”

“You’re telling me that Aunt Sharon likes that creep? It makes sense though. He’s the kind of asshole your mom would’ve gone for had she been your age.”

“Ew, Billy.” Chrissy crinkled her nose.

“It’s true though. Don’t deny it.”

“Anyway, lunch is about to finish. We need to get to our next class.”

“Let’s bounce. It was nice meeting you girls.”

“Likewise, Billy.” A few of the girls shouted as Chrissy dragged Billy away.

After classes, Billy had already been asked by Neil to bring Chrissy home after she had been picked up by Jason to go to school so Billy waited for Max before bringing her with him to the cheerleading practice where Heather was training Chrissy to be her replacement for the next year. During the water break, Chrissy officially met Max who was surprised at how bubbly and light Chrissy was. Max didn’t think she could be that type of girl but she couldn’t help but admit she was curious about it all. With Chrissy officially taking Max under her wing, she doesn’t really have time to deal with the boys until a demodog attacks her and Chrissy while they’re on their way to the town. Billy hears their screams and he immediately deals with it and he’s surprised when a bunch of kids in Max’s year show up and explain what the hell that was.

Billy’s been too busy threatening Carver to straighten up his act after he caught him getting handsy with another girl and making sure he stuck to it to properly befriend Tommy. Sure, they were teammates but nothing more than that. Billy still flirted with Steve at practice though but he never pursued the rivalry thing that everyone thought would brew between them. It was pretty much guaranteed that Billy was the new reigning King of Hawkins High after he’d embarrassed Jason and everyone else on the team on the court. Tina’s Halloween party only cemented it when Billy beat out the Keg record Steve had set even though Billy still tried to comfort Steve after watching his girlfriend kind of break up with him in front of everyone. The cousins ruled Hawkins High without giving a damn about it since Chrissy was so focused on making Billy and Max learn to love Hawkins too. She would constantly take them out of the house, always asking Neil politely if she could show Billy and Max around the town, making sure that she would keep them out of the house as much as possible.

Somehow, Chrissy and Billy ended up getting involved with the Upside Down way earlier when a demodog attacks the girls right outside of the Hargrove house and Billy doesn’t hesitate to protect his girls when push comes to shove. Afterwards, Chrissy also takes El under her wing and the trio of Max, Chrissy and El take over Billy’s life. Chrissy acts as their older sister and guru for all things teenage girl and she even helps them shop and get ready for the Snow Ball with Billy’s help. Billy’s also forced to teach El and therefore, also Max and Chrissy how to make all sorts of food and desserts whenever the mood strikes them and he’s their resident chauffer for trips while the boys rely on Steve. Since he can’t exactly cook or bake at their house or Chrissy house and Hopper’s cabin is out of the question, El usually asks Steve if they can use his kitchen. Steve’s fine with it as long as he gets some food out of it and after some time, he starts hanging around while Billy messes around in the kitchen.

With both Chrissy and Billy taking their grades seriously, Steve’s forced to study too and they replace Nancy as his support to apply for colleges. With Billy’s help, he even manages to get accepted into a couple of them but he decides to take a gap year to wait for the majority of his friends. Strangely enough, it becomes pretty normal for the students of Hawkins High to see Billy Hargrove, Chrissy Cunningham and Steve Harrington all together with Nancy Wheeler and Jonathan Byers occasionally joining the trio. It becomes a normal thing for the five of them to study together at Steve’s house while Billy whips up either a snack or dinner for the entire group. Sometimes, the kids would play D&D at the basement with Billy trying his best to get the kids to eat some healthy food instead of just pizza while the older teens would either study or smoke together.

When summer begins, Chrissy encourages Billy to apply for the vacant lifeguard position that Heather told her about and when she notices the moms staring weirdly at Billy, she plots and gets her very Christian mother to loudly rebuke all of the women for lusting after a teenager and almost committing adultery. With that problem out of the way, Billy’s free to enjoy teaching the tiny tots how to swim and to watch as the kids he’d slowly grown fond of play around in either the public pool or Steve’s pool. Chrissy had gotten a job at the mall so she’d loved having lunch with Steve and Robin who quickly became her lunch buddies. Billy would always pick her up and drop her off, usually with lunch and dessert to share.

When the girls enter their dump his ass phase, they get Chrissy to dump Jason too who heads to the motel to meet up with a girl to feel better about himself. The mindflayer gets him instead but when he immediately goes to flay Chrissy, she realizes something’s wrong and Billy’s there to stop him. They get El to figure out what’s wrong and they quickly get it out of him without killing him. Then, they have to deal with the Russians but with Chrissy and Billy there, things go much easier. After everything, everyone is alive and relatively okay, but Jason is traumatized, and he convinces his family to move away instead after being paid to keep silent about everything.

When Vecna starts his bullshit, Chrissy is in a much better place and so are a lot of the teens, all except Billy who might have friends but is still living with his abuser. Somehow, Eddie is still witness to the first victim but so is Chrissy who was there to support a friend of hers who wanted to try drugs. Eddie and Chrissy still flirted but when her friend started floating and going all weird, they didn’t know what to do! Chrissy immediately got to Billy who let everyone know what happened. All the while, she was dragging Eddie with her to make sure that what she saw actually happened.

With more minds working on the problem, they realize everything earlier leaving them time to prepare but Billy then realizes he’s been dealing with the symptoms. Chrissy is extremely horrified to find out that Billy was still a target after everything she had gone through to save him and she belatedly realizes that he also saved her from being a target so she’s angry at herself because she couldn’t save him. Strangely enough, it’s Eddie who comforts her about it.

Billy gets them to make peace with the fact that he’s a target, something that Steve is strangely bothered extremely by and he agrees to get them to set a trap for Vecna. Without Jason around to ruin things and with the town in chaos over the people dying of unnatural reasons, they manage to successfully deal with him with an especially irate Chrissy throwing Molotovs with uncanny aim and eventually stabbing him when she’s threatened after saying that you don’t scare me. She was almost meant to be a victim but she ends up beating him literally and figuratively. They manage to expose the Upside Down and to finally end things.

Surprisingly, as soon as things settle, Billy tells Chrissy that Steve had kissed him and that they were now dating. She also had news to share since Eddie was dating her now too. The quartet soon makes plans to move to California, far away from all of this nonsense with the Byer-Hoppers and with the rest of the kids promising to meet them there soon. Weirdly enough, all things worked out for the cousins because they had each other to rely on and they didn’t let each other down.

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sigilmint · 1 month

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I'm never going to shake off the memory of him. a bright smile in a crowded classroom, always halfway embracing or being embraced by a friend. asking such curious questions, having such thoughtful insight. I wish I'd known about my gender stuff at his age; I was so proud to see him, cheeks covered in glitter, holding hands with his fellow queer students. There was so much love there. I saw myself in his eyes, too, a living example of an adult who was living his truth.

Nothing in this world could have prepared me for the morning I got to work and one of the teachers pulled me aside, white as a ghost, stricken, to tell me he'd killed himself in the night. I wandered off campus, my head in a horrible fog, drifting over familiar landscape like I'd never been there before.

What pain did I not see? What complete and utter desolation gripped him, when no one was looking? Was it the same as the nights I cried into my pillow, not wanting to kill myself but hoping that something would happen to me to take it out of my hands? Was it the emptiness, the pain-shaped empty jar of hopelessness that sat inside me and kept me bound to a chair for hours at a time? It must have been something far worse, for him to have actually done it. It must have been worse than I can literally comprehend. And I had no idea in the world it was happening. He was so young, and fuck, so was I. I didn't know how to handle it. I didn't know what to say to anyone, how to comfort, how to be comforted. It was a gash ripped through us all, that couldn't be treated. And time heals all wounds, sure, but every once in a while, I check that one, and I find I'm still bleeding.

I wish I could have seen him joyously ascend through every major event, graduation, beyond, but I also wish I could have heard about some of that pain before it did what it did to him. I wish I could have helped in any way, done anything at all. I wish he never had to hurt that much to begin with.

I get scared. So many dear, beloved, wonderful friends over the years have shared with me about their attempts, and every time I can feel it stagger through me, the gravity of almost having lost them shaking my bones so hard, my head feeling like it's free-falling, just for a moment, down through the earth into that place of fog. And I'm meant to blink it off and continue on as if this information is as casual as them telling me they had toast instead of cereal today. Having to pretend that when I look at them, I'm not trying to desperately remember and memorize every single detail of their face, our friendship, every amazing thing they bring into the world. Just in case.

I suppose that the only thing I think I've learned from all this, is that if someone is sharing their pain, they're not trying to die, they're trying to catch hold of anything, fucking anything, to keep them from getting swept downriver. Even if it's just by their fingertips, or just for a moment before slipping and scrambling again. There's fight in that. And it's scary to be a life raft, but it's scarier to think about the people who drift right past you and you never even notice them. So out goes my hand, every time. I'll be scared with you. Let's be scared together. Please, whatever it is, let's do it together, so you can get out of this damn water.

#idk what this is #memorial or reflection or psa or reminder #regardless #tw suicide #thank you for bearing with

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puuvillaa · 7 months

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I'm so fucking done with November and it's only halfway through. I had to take a communications course for my degree, and it’s a literal nightmare for my social anxiety, and I still have two lessons left. I've cried every single day this month because of that course, I've cried to the teacher on two occasions when we had a conversation exercise that made me too anxious. I can’t go to the class without taking extra anxiety meds. It doesn’t help that I have two Swedish exams next week, one of them a conversation, and mum's dog went back home so I don’t even have anyone to cuddle, and I miss my dog so much.

On the bright side, I only cried in the sauna a little bit today, so it was actually relaxing.

#personal

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bw2 · 8 months

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Today has been so weird. Left my room to get my laundry and my roommate had her door wide open and some random ass dude who I didn’t even know was in our apartment in the first place laying in her bed while she was in the bathroom which set me off so fucking bad cause I haven’t slept well these last three days BECAUSE OF HER. I was shaking with anger

Then I got to work and things were actually fine and I calmed down pretty quickly and was chilling, THEN ONE OF MY KIDS PUT A PRETZEL TOY IN HIS MOUTH AND STARTED CHOKING ON IT. I like got it out of his mouth and stuff but that was genuinely the scariest thing I have EVER experienced and I almost cried when I was telling him that he cannot put toys in his mouth and how he scared us.

We had to go on a fire drill-drill like 10 minutes later and like I calmed down, but that situation gave me a tension headache and the stress from everything was still lingering but like I was still fine and happy AND THEN.. literally as I was telling my coworker about how today has been REALLY good especially considering the roommate thing and one of my kids choking on a toy, the shitty sub teacher came in and told me I had to go into the 3 year olds class and now I’m there and it’s nap time thank god but I can’t handle these kids, even if they sent in one of the subs I like to help.

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braceletofteeth · 7 days

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15 people, 15 questions

I was tagged by @scarefox ��

1) Are you named after anyone?

They just thought the name was pretty, I think.

2) When was the last time you cried?

Today :) I've been doing it a lot lately, but only a little at a time. Probably just need some rest.

3) Do you have kids?

For many years, I've been helping my grandmother raise my younger brother. I'm the one people call when there's an emergency, I'm the one who takes him to the doctor and tend to him when he's sick, I'm the one who notices when he needs something new, I'm the one who takes him shopping, I'm the one who attends school meetings, I'm the one who guides him through the government's bureaucracy, and I'm the one he talks to about his problems, as well as his prospects for the future. Sometimes, when grandma allows me in her kitchen or is unavailable, I'm even the one who feeds him.

So, by all means, yes, I do have a kid. And soon from now he won't be a kid anymore, but I know I'll always consider him my utmost responsibility in this world.

That's one of the reasons I don't want any more kids than I already have. Looking after the lives of two people (mine and his) is enough.

4) What sports do you play/have you played?

I was never a sportive person tbh.

5) Do you use sarcasm?

Yes (usually for a humorous effect).

6) What's the first thing you notice about people?

Their... apparent age? “That's a teenager.” “That's an elder.” It's one of the factors that help me predict/understand others' behaviors/expectations.

7) What's your eye color?

Dark brown.

8) Scary movies or happy endings?

That might come as a surprise, but I've never been much fond of scary movies 😅 Unless they are something like psychological horror, it's rare for me to actually get invested in them.

I like happy endings, but I'm ok with sad endings too. I just feel averse to open endings—especially when the story feels incomplete because of it.

9) Any talents?

Very good at elaborating questions that will lead people to talk more than me during a conversation (in a way that is enjoyable for them, of course!)

10) Where were you born?

North of Brazil. I lived in other places, but I'm back in my hometown now.

11) What are your hobbies?

Learning other languages

Baking cakes

Watching asian dramas and talking about it on tumblr dot com

Reading books and fanfics

Finding places where listening to music feels more intense than usual

Lazy walks along the river

12) Do you have any pets?

It's technically my cousin's, but we do have a pet in the house. It's a cat we call Relâmpago (it means Lightning). It sleeps at my doorstep during the day and we frequently eat together.

13) How tall are you?

168cm. Most women are shorter than me, but I still wish I was just a tiny bit taller 🤏

14) What was your favorite subject in school?

Story Time with real events (a.k.a History).

History teachers from public schools are very passionate about their field of study! They know exactly why we're forced to live on hard mode and go through so many injustices today. If they could, they would tell everyone about it, so we'd argue more, question more, and bend history in our favor for once. I loved my History teachers, loved learning about the people that came before us, and especially about how changeable everything is.

15) What is your dream job?

The idea of doing anything, and I mean anything, repetitively, for decades, non-stop, takes off the spark of any career path I have found compelling in the past. I don't want to do something I love in exchange for profit/out of obligation, because I know this won't work for me. I tried it before, and all it did was make me resent my hobby. So I don't mix the two concepts anymore. I literally do not dream of labor.

But I still need labor—at the very least, not to starve to death. So what I dream about, now, is a job that doesn't take too much of my time and energy, so I can dedicate them to enjoyable activities and to the people I love; so I can live a life that is not determined or owned by my job.

—

tagging: @softneomiro @somebodycallixii @srabaskerville @kdreader02

As usual, only if you'd like to 😊

#tag game #I was just being honest but it feels weird because I'm usually not this serious 🥴

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s1l4s-l1k3s-t0m4t03s · 12 days

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i ate a jalapeno slice today in the cafeteria (it was tortilla day) but i fucking forgot that i cant handle any spice at all and me and my bsf (they ate one too lmao) ran to the milk and water dispensers AND THEY WERE OUT OF MILK so we got water and i drank like 6 glasses of water while my mouth was BURNING and i started crying laughing and a teacher walked past and was like🤨

and we shakily asked the cafeteria lady if there was milk available and she literally went "hmm.. the milk ran out today way faster than usual.. i filled the dispensers up (both 20liters) and they're already gone!" (it was like 11:30 and the earliest lunch is at 9am i think)

😭😭😭😭😭 so i didnt get any milk and cried with my water and MY MOUTH WAS STILL BURNING AND HURTING WHEN WE WENT OUT

AND MY TONGUE WAS CHERRY RED TOO LMAO HELP

OH? cant relate i have a cracked tolerance

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mlobsters · 9 months

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supernatural s8e17 goodbye stranger (w. robbie thompson)

ps earlier today i was giggling slightly hysterically over the fact that they killed zeus in the last episode. no big. at least with the osiris last season they just put him down for a couple hundred years

pps in the recap when rachel miner-meg says her name like "mehg" very canada/upper midwest. mehg like behg (bag). when i first moved to minnesota, one of the things they ask you at stores there when you're checking out is "receipt with you or in the bag?" and i was 100% not expecting this question, combined with the accent on bag (long a, eh sound) i was... so utterly bewildered. i asked her to repeat it and i still didn't get it. i think after processing another 10 seconds i finally figured it out. whew. just when you think you know everything to expect at a familiar store in a new place... my anxiety does not thank you

good thing the cas stuff is in this recap because i completely forgot about this whole brainwashed to kill an angel business

that's a lot of dead deans

not the spear of destiny. didn't you watch constantine, dean?

s8e17 / constantine (2005)

dean stop being a child and touching the stuff trying to get sam's attention

DEAN Hey. You listening to me? SAM Yeah. It's, uh... Fascinating stuff. You should probably, uh, write it all down in your journal for the archives, you know? DEAN Yeah, thanks. You're a lot of help. [SAM coughs in the background.] Hey, Doc Holliday, you all right over there?

good sibling stuff. little on the nose with the tuberculosis reference

SAM I don't know. Worth a shot, though. I'll grab my gear. We should probably leave in five. DEAN Mm-hmm. SAM 'Less, of course, you need some more time with Miss October. DEAN What? Oh. Yeah. Yeah, make it 10.

more extremely normal sibling behavior. make a joke about jerking off with the vintage porn, but take it seriously and make that face. fraternal all the way. then distract us from them flirting with the Bloody Napkin. this show, man.

DEAN Put this on your shoulder. [DEAN tosses a cold pack at SAM who is seated on the couch, SAM throws it on the floor, clears his throat. DEAN sits down next to SAM. CASTIEL walks into the room.] SAM I'm fine.

stop trying to take care of me, dean >:|

DEAN Well, he puts the "ass" in "Cas," huh?

good one, dean-o

SAM He's definitely off. DEAN Off? He hasn't been right since he got back from Purgatory. We still don't know how he got out of there. SAM I don't know, Dean. If he's so sketchy, then why were you praying to him? CASTIEL (V O) You know, I can hear you both. I am a celestial being.

i laughed. teacher's mad

WENDY RICE Sam and Dean Winchester. Oh, the thoughts she had about you two. Mostly you, Sam. What can I say? She has a thing for smutton chops.

SMUTton chops????? a) i love the mutton chop shade see my sideburns tags b) WHAT. laughed until i literally cried and wheezed

meg with the leia star wars quote was very cute

MEG You really do know how to make a girl's nethers quiver, don't you? CASTIEL I am aware of how to do that. Although it doesn't usually involve cleaning wounds.

shows what you know, cas

MEG Really? You remember everything? [She looks fondly at CASTIEL.] CASTIEL If you're referring to the pizza man... Yes, I remember the pizza man. And it's a good memory.

i hope he doesn't kill her

DEAN Good times. You really think we can trust, uh, Meg-stiel?

lol okay. this is a very fannish episode

MEG I miss the simplicity. I was bad. You were good. Life was easier. Now it's all so messy. I'm kind of good, which sucks. And you're kind of bad -- which is actually all manner of hot. We survive this… I'm gonna order some pizza and we're gonna move some furniture around. You understand?

now i'm kinda crushin on meg

MEG You're not gonna tell me? Seriously? How am I not team Sam? Fine. Whatever it is, you okay dying over it? You don't want to say, fine. But remember, I spent time in that walking corpse of yours. I know your sad, little thoughts and feelings. SAM That's creepy. MEG Here's what I remember. Deep down, in parts you never let see the light of day, you want to live a long, normal life away from creepy old things like me. SAM I do. You know, I spent last year with... someone, and, um... now I know that's actually possible.

really. lol at me crying over this bullshit. in the sam feelings too deep

DEAN I know you can hear me. Cas… It's me. We're family. We need you. I need you.

the power of dean begging can break even the heavenly mind control

they were giving meg the jo/ellen treatment in this episode, should have seen that coming. glad she got a good sendoff, if she had to go

after sam says he's sorry and that he should have told him, dean takes a big breath, like a relieved sigh and it's a good little moment

DEAN Listen, I may not be able to carry the burden that comes along with these trials... But I can carry you. SAM You... realize you kind of just quoted "Lord of the Rings," right? DEAN Come on, man. But it's the Rudy Hobbit, all right? Rudy Hobbit always gets a pass.

definitely gotta deflect from all those messy emotions

well like meg (rip) said, i laughed. i cried.

read a bit about rachel miner, was wondering if there was a health situation. looked like she was having some mobility issues last couple episodes she's been in

#supernatural #spnwatch #spn 8x17 #sideburns #chopsurveillance #smutton chops #robbie thompson #rip meg #meg masters #rachel miner #castiel

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hushed-chorus · 1 year

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15 questions | 15 tags

Thank you for the tags, @shrekgogurt, @artsyunderstudy and @johnwgrey! Let’s give this little baby a go.

1. Are you named after anyone?

A biker my mother once knew and a cricket player she fancied. Both dudes, even though I am “biologically female”. Interesting character, my mother!

2. When was the last time you cried?

I shed a few tears today, but it was a healthy cry

3. Do you have kids?

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?

Not as much as I used to—my humour is still dry, but my sarcasm can miss the mark so I’ve toned down on it.

5. What’s the first thing you notice about people?

Body language, I think. I vibe quickly on mood—mostly approachability and openness. These things don’t outright determine whether I’ll interact with someone, but will determine how. I think this is why I struggle with communicating by text. I can’t vibe check! But I literally won't remember a *thing* about how they dressed, their eye colour, etc, unless it's particularly noteworthy.

6. What’s your eye color?

DARK, DARK BROWN. Like, pretty much pitch black. I once NPC’ed as a wraith at LARP for a monster role (basically, my job was to fight/be beaten up by the players and be dramatic about it) and my skin was painted white for the role. I ended up with a swarm of other, similarly-attired people just staring at my eyes and being told I was spooky.

7. Scary movie or happy endings?

So, does the scary have to be a movie? If so, then I go for happy ending. Basically, I like horror stories but scary movies don’t tend to do it for me. However, happy endings that aren’t bittersweet feel like a rare commodity in modern storytelling, so I treasure them.

8. Any special talents?

I’ve been told that I’m a good storyteller. Most people say this in relation to the roleplay games I run. Only recently have I stared sharing my writing with others. I wouldn’t say I am a talented writer—specifically, I struggle with the craft (grammar, etc). I used to blame missed schooling, but given the insane difficulty I’ve had learning grammar, etc, as an adult, I suspect there’s something more at play.

9. Where were you born?

Cornwall

10. What are your hobbies?

Writing (specifically creating stories), reading, cooking, and seeing new places. Also, learning! I usually have a subject or two that I’m casually learning. At the moment, it’s Spanish (my first time with a language) and folklore. Previous to this it was maritime history and I dabbled in political theory.

11. Do you have any pets?

Nope, but I've had pets in the past and want to have some again! I love animals!

12. What sports do you play/have you played?

I loved playing football/soccer as a child. As an adult, I loved rock climbing and cycling until my health got too bad. I'm hoping to get back into ocean swimming, but I fear that would be a fool's errand. Is ocean paddling a sport?

13. How tall are you?

5’8

14. Favorite subject at school?

Music! Our teacher would leave us to just jam in the music rooms. I’d just play my bass guitar with whoever decided to drop in and join. I’d also sing, sometimes.

15. Dream job?

Ok ok, so this is super specific but here we go. If I didn’t have a disability and I was fully competent (and could afford the set-up costs), I’d love to own an old-fashioned ship. A simple-to-run two-master that performs well with minimal sailors on coastal waters. And I would use that ship to take underprivileged teens out onto the sea for a few days. Give them the opportunity to experience the ocean in a new way, to get the thrill of it, learn an exciting new skill and, most importantly, to give them a chance to feel like a valued and respected member of a team. Help them build their confidence and give them a treasured memory. (obviously voluntary—totally wouldn’t be everyone’s scene!)

I used to volunteer with youth groups in coastal settings before and I loved it. So many of the teens benefited from having an adult who would listen to them, treat them with respect, and give them a chance to feel like life can be special. I’m still in touch with some of them, ten years later!

I think lots of tags have already been issues so I will skip on tagging? Anyway, this was fun!

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clotpolesonly · 1 year

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tagged by @scilessweetheart!! <3

15 questions, tag 15 people

are you named after anyone? i don't think so

when was the last time you cried? mmmm, it's been a couple of months. i'm not prone to it, naturally, BUT my mental health took a big dive last year and i cried more in that year than in the rest of my life put together lmao.

do you have kids? nope and i hopefully never will (no offense to kids, i just don't want them, and i find pregnancy to be viscerally horrifying lakdfjgh)

do you use sarcasm a lot? fuck YEAH i do

what is the first thing you notice about people? idk??? hair maybe??

what color are your eyes? -sighs deeply- GREY, i GUESS. my parents told me as a kid that my eyes were green, but like "silver fir" green (which was a specific color of mat board because my parents were picture framers by trade lol) which was like a very very light green, but then my spanish teacher in 10th grade used me as an example of "ojos azul" aka BLUE EYES and it gave me an identity crisis that has been ongoing for 14 years now. after much debate and much raging against the metaphorical machine, i have been forced to accept that my eyes are not, by most people's estimation, actually green but i SWEAR they are not blue either, and therefor they are probably grey. whatever they are, they're light enough that i hiss at the sun like a vampire.

scary movies or happy endings? scary movies WITH happy endings, how about THAT

any special talents? i can juggle, that's fun

where were you born? unfortunately, florida

what are your hobbies? reading, writing, singing, performing, picking up a variety of hobbies that i immediately drop, sporadically bookbinding and photoshopping, currently sewing and knitting

do you have any pets? not anymore

what sports do you play/have you played? sports are the bane of my existence, i played soccer once in elementary school and kicked the ball out of bounds and a classmate yelled at me until i cried lmao, i don't do sports anymore

how tall are you? approximately 5'8"

favorite subjects in school? music, lol, i had like 3-4 periods of music-related stuff per year throughout high school, plus extracurriculars, i just wanna take a variety of chorus classes

dream job? can i be a backup singer please? or one of those studio people who records the demo tracks of glee club medleys?? i wanna do that XD

tagging: @halebaccari @adamprrishcycle @declansboobs @elveatas @dollopheadedmerlin i literally don't know 15 people send help @poetryincamelot @iamthelastdollophead @wellhalesbells that's all i got today ok bye

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snowmuttgetsweird · 1 year

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3/5/23 CW: Abuse/Trauma mention kinda? ADHD stuff, anxiety stuff, "The Bluey Post."

Last couple days have been okay. I've been learning to manage the panic attacks better. I didn't actually have one today- I kinda had a smaller episode yesterday, but I put on some Bluey and it turns out to be like, magic anti-panic attack medicine. Who knew.

Some people have heard me say (seen me type?) before that after watching Zootopia, I didn't want to FUCK Clawhauser; I just wanted to be his friend. My first real furry crush was Alex the Lion from Madagascar- just a bright, bouncy, funny, silly, charming character that loved to perform and loved people- bonus points for having huge bappy manimal paws and big chompy teeth. This is going somewhere, I promise.

I feel like there's this positivity vacuum in my life that makes me a sucker for hyper-pure characters and content, like it artificially fills some kind of void that makes me wish I were a part of it in an earnest and genuine way.

Bluey has been like... The greatest expression of that feeling. I love watching Bluey never stop being bossy because she gets away with it nine times out of ten due to her shear charisma. I love watching Bingo constantly challenged to fight for attention and respect, and ultimately succeeding. I love watching the chaos that unfolds literally any time that Muffin is on-screen. I love the way Bandit genuinely loves his daughters and does everything in his power to spend time with them and indulge them, even if it's not always on his preferred terms. I love the storyboarding, the subtle hints at deeper trauma across the cast, the relatability of the characters.

I remember before ever seeing the show, I saw a clip of Jack on Twitter. Why can't you sit still? Why can't you remember anything? Why can't you just do what you're told? He stops fidgeting for a moment and really thinks about it and says, sadly:

"... I don't know."

I cried to that clip- hard- because that moment with Jack was my entire childhood and was the most I ever related to a character. It was the most I had ever seen of myself on a TV show packed into three words uttered by a cartoon jack russell terrier that couldn't remember his god damn hat.

Every day of my life, my dad yelled and screamed at me asking why I couldn't do these simple things he asked me to do and all I could say was "I don't know." Sometimes he'd scream it back at me at the top of his lungs in that condescending slurred "pretending to be special needs" tone, mocking me.

My third grade teacher tried to tell my parents "Chris is very smart but has a difficult time staying on task and participating in class- I think that Chris may be struggling with ADHD" and my mom jumped down her throat for suggesting her son could have been anything less than perfect. She didn't attend parent teacher conferences anymore after that. Where dad was hard on me, mom coddled me and kept me "under [her] wing" as dad would say.

I grew up "smart" and "gifted" but "lazy" and "unmotivated," bullshitting and last-minute-ing my way through school, flopping upwards and somehow convincing everyone I was everything they thought I was.

I'm not medicated or diagnosed and I can't afford to be, but I KNOW I'm ADHD. Seeing the way other people struggle and relating to it all- the time blindness, the hyper-focus, the terrible working memory, the difficulty managing emotions, the executive dysfunction, the rambling- yes I know I'm doing it right now, sorry- all of it and more.

At THAT moment, seeing Jack internally question why he can't do all these simple things really endeared me to the character, and I knew I wanted to watch Bluey for more than just lusting after Bandit (god help me he's still so fucking ideal). When I actually watched the show and reached that episode, I was floored by just how beautifully and subtly the show straight up teaches kids about ADHD without ever mentioning it.

Rusty involves Jack in a game that challenges every debilitating aspect of his neurodivergency, and Jack succeeds in every event based on the three motivational pillars of ADHD: Urgency, Novelty, and Personal Interest. If you think of motivation as a bridge, those three things make up the planks you step across, and if any or all of them are missing, it's MUCH harder for someone with ADHD to stay invested in the task at hand and follow through from start to finish without struggling along the way. It's a game, so there's novelty. Jack wants to make a good impression on Rusty, so there's personal interest. In the last part of the game, they need that dust off NOW, so there's your urgency. All three allow Jack to overcome his poor working memory (difficulty remembering multiple pieces of information across short periods of time), his inability to sit still, and his executive dysfunction (inability to actively prioritize what your brain decides to focus its attention on). The episode is just extremely well researched. Fun fact, did you know there's a prominent, internationally recognized authority in the field of ADHD research named Russell Barkley? Coincidence? I think not!

Obviously I got off-track and rambled a bit and now I'm mentally spent, but all I mean to say is that Bluey is a really, overwhelmingly beautiful and cozy show and I'm extremely thankful to have it in my life. It is genuinely beautiful artistically and the animators are given a lot of opportunity to flex their creativity. There's a lot to love but that first episode with Jack was the one that really sold me on it.

It's about 1:30 AM now, I've got a pot roast I've gotta get in the slow cooker in the morning, and I think I'm more prone to panic attacks when I'm sleep-deprived, so I'm gonna try to maneuver around this cat that's leaned up against my thigh and go to sleep.

I don't know if anyone is actually reading these, but I kinda like typing them either way.

Night.

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