#i agree with him that i don’t think sydney was actually jealous | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

emdeedot45 · 3 years

Note

Fluff 46 - “I don’t know if I want to yell at you or kiss you.” 😘

Prompt #1 "I don't know if I want to yell at you or kiss you"

Sylvie was mad.

Normally, it took a lot for her to get mad, but that’s what she was right now. She was mad and frustrated and pissed off and every other synonym under the sun that could be used to describe this situation.

The situation? Well, it started yesterday when she and Mackey had tended to a call at an old cemetery down town. As if the location wasn’t creepy enough, a clown had fallen into one of the open graves and needed medical assistance. Sylvie felt her entire body tense when she saw what they were facing. She hated clowns. They were so deceptive with their painted-on smiles and dirty tricks. But ever the professional, she put her fears to the side focused on the job at hand. She was PIC, she was a mentor to Mackey, she had to show she could handle this.

They couldn’t deal with it alone, however, and needed a manpower assist to get the clown out of the grave. Luckily for them, Engine 40 had been close by and swiftly got the clown out and Sylvie and Mackey quickly got him into the back of the ambo.

“God, I hate clowns…” she’d grumbled as she closed the backdoors to the ambo.

“Really? I always thought they were kind of fun in an entirely stupid way.”

She’d turned around and saw Greg Grainger standing behind her, his hands casually resting in his pockets and a charming smirk on his face that Sylvie figured got him pretty much whatever he wanted.

“No. They’re horribly deceptive.” Sylvie explained.

“Well for someone with a fear you wouldn’t have known with how you handled that.” He praised.

Sylvie scoffed in response, “Ever the professional.”

“Yeah… so, what have you been up to lately? I haven’t really seen you around.” He pried.

She’d been around. Maybe not as much as she’d normally been – nights on her couch with wine and HGTV or wine and girl time with Stella felt much more appealing that being at Molly’s, trying to focus on whoever she was talking to but her mind – and eyes – wandering to Captain Matthew Casey instead. Somehow, they always managed to find each other in a room and it was infuriating. She was trying to forget him. How was she supposed to do that when they kept burring holes into each other with their eyes?

Sylvie kept having to remind herself that it was stupid. He’d moved on with the kitten claw sign woman. She needed to find a way to move on too.

She’d shrugged at Grainger when he asked, “Oh you know, here and there…” she said awkwardly.

Mackey opened the ambo door and poked her head out, “You coming? I’m starting to understand why you hate clowns so much, Chuckles will not stop staring at me.”

Sylvie shot her a sympathetic smile, “I’m coming.”

Mackey quickly glanced at Grainger before looking back at Sylvie and giving her knowing eyes. Sylvie then remembered what Mackey had said to her at Molly’s;

“Girl, clearly you need to get out and have some fun on your own.”

Sylvie closed the doors behind Mackey. Maybe this was her chance to have some fun. Maybe this was what she needed to forget about Matt Casey. A fun night out with a handsome firefighter.

Though, if he turned out to be a jerk, she was swearing off firefighters for good.

“Hey uh—” she began as she turned back to Grainger. “Do you fancy grabbing a drink tomorrow? I mean, it’s not a big deal, I’ll just be at Molly’s and maybe you could join. No pressure.” She rambled as he smiled at her.

“Yeah, yeah that sounds good.” He agreed with a nod. “I will see you tomorrow night PIC Brett.”

“Great. See you then.”

And that is how she got here.

At Molly’s, sitting with Grainger, mad as hell.

It had nothing to do with Grainger. He seemed like a nice, sweet guy.

But it had everything to do with Matt Casey.

From the moment they sat down at the bar, his eyes hadn’t left Grainger’s back. He was shooting daggers through the guy and Sylvie could see his jaw clench and his knuckles turn white from gripping his beer bottle too tightly – and it only got worse every time Grainger nudged her hand or her leg or any time he made her laugh.

Maybe Molly’s wasn’t the best location for this, but the whole thing was maddening. She could date whoever she wanted, wherever she wanted, and Matt couldn’t do a damn thing about it. He made his choice, and it wasn’t her, so he had to live with that. Besides, he was dating too and Sylvie said and did nothing. She just got on with things.

Though silently, her heart hurt was hurting, but she could never admit that out loud.

She put up with the jealous staring for an hour, but then she heard Matt obnoxiously scoff at Grainger telling her all about an heroic save he made the other day – and she snapped.

“Would you – would you excuse me for just a minute?” she asked, in the middle of Grainger’s story no less.

“Uh – yeah, yeah.” He said, a little taken a back by the timing of her request. She felt terrible, but she just couldn’t do this anymore. She slipped off her bar stool and stormed over to Matt’s table where he was sitting with Severide, Cruz and Gallo.

“Can I talk to you?” she asked as she crossed her arms over her chest, ignoring the wide eyes that were being sent her way by the rest of the table who were surprised by her abruptness.

“Sure.” Matt said as he downed the rest of his beer for liquid courage before following her out of Molly’s.

They walked a few metres down the path and away from the door before Sylvie spun on her heel and glared at him.

“What the hell is your problem?” she demanded to know.

“I don’t have a problem.”

Sylvie clenched her jaw. Matt’s emotions were always written on his face – why couldn’t he just put them into words? She knew he was mad and she was sick of him not being honest with her.

“Yes, you do, you’ve been staring at me and Greg all night. I’m not stupid Casey and I’m sick of us dancing around the tension between us, it’s infuriating!”

“Fine, I was jealous ok? I am jealous. It kills me seeing you out with somebody else.” he exclaimed back.

Sylvie shook her head, “You have no right to feel that way—”

“Doesn’t mean that I don’t.”

She knew it was hypocritical to say that, but what else could she say? Sylvie took another step back from him because she couldn’t possibly put any more emotional distance between them. They might as well be strangers the way they’ve been treating each other for the past few weeks.

“I don’t know what’s going on in your head Matt, I don't know where this is coming from considering how we left things, but this jealousy thing – it has to stop. You lost your chance. You have to live with that as much as I do.” She said quietly. “Besides, you’re the one who went out with Sydney first.” she pointed out. He’d moved on a lot quicker than she had, but he seemed to be forgetting that little detail.

“Yeah I did, and it made me pretty damn miserable.” He confessed as Sylvie looked a little shocked by his confession. “I always do this when I go through a breakup. I try to distract myself with someone else and normally – it does help with moving on, even in the slightest way. But this time? It didn’t help.” He said with a scoff. “It made it a heck of a lot worse. It made me realise that I – I would rather be alone than be without you. It made me realise that I am in deep. I think I always have been.”

Sylvie’s body relaxed at Matt’s words. She wished it hadn’t, but it did. He was looking at her with a deep sincerity in his eyes and she immediately felt her anger dissipate. He was the most trustworthy person she knew and she hated that she was trusting his words right now. She hated that she knew they were true.

He did exactly what she was trying to do right now. They were trying to forget about each other by losing themselves in other people – but it wasn’t working and it never would. Grainger just wasn't Matt. Sydney just wasn't Sylvie. And that was the bottom line.

“What's that look?” Matt asked desperately.

“What look?”

“That look” he said. Her face had softened completely without her even realising as she tried to bite back a semblance of a smile. “It looks like you’re trying to stop yourself from saying something nice or even smiling at me.”

Sylvie sighed and ran a hand over her forehead, “I just don’t know if I want to yell at you or kiss you right now and god, it’s so annoying, you’re so annoying!” she childishly insulted. She had to at least try and be mad at him otherwise she might in fact kiss him. He would rather be alone than be without her – how was she supposed to pretend like he didn't just say that? How was she supposed to pretend that it didn't make her heart skip a beat?

Matt couldn’t help but shoot her an amused smirk. Even when she was trying to be mean she somehow made it stupidly cute. Sylvie dropped her hand from her head and put it on her hip, her distressed expression changing to a deep glare when she realised how he was looking at her.

“Stop looking at me like that.” She demanded.

“Like what?”

“Like you want me to kiss you.”

Matt’s smirk grew, “I don’t think I’ll ever stop looking at you like that.”

“Dammit Casey…” Sylvie grumbled as she looked to her feet, not wanting to get caught up in his gaze. It was stupidly distracting, and she knew it would suck her back in – but it shouldn’t. There was still so much left to be resolved if it ever actually could be resolved.

He wanted her now because he couldn’t have her. But in the long run, he’d revert to wanting Gabby – he’d made that much clear the night of their kiss.

“I’m trying so hard not to love you but you’re making really damn difficult” She confessed quietly.

It was Matt’s turn to be taken aback by her words. She loved him. She was trying not to, but she did. Suddenly, everything he’d been feeling for the past year had started to make sense. He’d been in denial about his feelings. The whole thing just felt messy from the beginning. His feelings for her just came out of nowhere and he’d tried so hard to push them away and focus on their friendship – but it was pointless.

Now, he too trying so hard not to love her, but every smile, every encouraging word, even little glance in his direction – she made it really damn difficult

Matt let out a laugh of realisation. He loved her. He really did – and he was going to prove it to her. He took a step towards her, watching as her body started to tense again.

“I’m the guy for you Sylvie Brett” he said until there was just a breath between them. “And I know there’s so much more to talk about and you maybe don’t believe me right now – but I’m going to prove it to you. I’m the guy for you Sylvie Brett. You’ll see.” He said, his nose ghosting past hers briefly before he started backing away from her.

This was going to be get interesting.

#brettsey #chicago fire #matt casey #matt x sylvie #sylvie brett #brett casey #brett x casey

48 notes · View notes

evie568 · 3 years

Text

Work in progress

♫ ♪ Spotify playlist : Ella changed the Name — Previously named : Cut ; by eviewivi

Date of creation : December 2017 — 3h6m

Let’s start from the beginning.

— —

· Who am I?

My name is Evie.

It was not my given name. I chose it myself. I always wanted a long name, like “Isabella” or “Elisabeth”, but I was given Eve. So I decided to add another letter to it to make it longer (age 4/5).

Some of my diplomas say “Evie”, and others say “Eve”. My passport says “Eve” whereas my social insurance card says “Evie”.

It’s a bit of a mess.

— —

I was born in 1995, in London and moved to the South of France with my family (age 8).

My parents are both English (although they enjoy saying they’re French since they have duel nationality now). I have 2 older sisters and 1 older brother.

At the age of 8, I remember that I could count up to 30 in French and say “Bonjour”. That was about it. I was put in a French school straight away and it was scary at first.

— —

Learning to speak French came naturally as I was young. The grammar was a little harder, and I still have difficulty with it today.

I actually have difficulty in English too. I often make mistakes.

Being born in one country and moving to another can sometimes be confusing.

“Are you French?” Not really…

“English?” Neither…

“So what are you?” Good question.

You often get asked the same questions.

“Do you think in English or French?”

“Do you dream in English or French?”

“Do you prefer England or France?”

I don’t mind it though, they find it interesting.

— —

· What happed?

This is a difficult question. I’m not too sure as I am still discovering things everyday.

I am not writing this, cured from my mental illness. I am writing this, still going through tough times, trying to get better everyday.

I am writing this as a sort of therapy, to help myself and maybe others.

To understand myself better, for family and friends to understand me better and maybe for people to relate to.

Writing has never been my strong point but whether you are good at it or not, I do find it helps. You get to express yourself freely, like dancing, or painting or creating music… any form of art really.

— —

So back to the question : what happened?

In 2018, I was diagnosed with a mental illness I had never heard of before in my life : Borderline Personality Disorder.

— —

· How did this all start?

After finishing a Sound Engineering course back in 2015 (Montpellier, FR), I went back home to my parents house to look for a job in the music industry.

It was very hard to find a job with no work experience at all. It was a catch 22 situation : I needed a job to gain experience but couldn’t get a job without any prior experience.

I would end up playing The Sims everyday in my one piece pajamas. Drinking Desperados in the evening while dreaming of moving to Sydney.

My parents quickly noticed I was not being very productive, and gave me a speech.

I would often check Facebook and see my best friend at the time, having the time of her life as an Au Pair in London.

I was jealous.

— —

In October 2015, I took a plane to London to become an Au Pair.

I was an Au Pair for about 2 years in London, and it was so much fun.

I made friends with other Au Pairs from all over the world that were so lovely. We would go out to bars, concerts, parks, museums, festivals and so much more.

— —

Then I met Julien.

This part is difficult to write about as it is still very painful and I have forgotten a lot.

My therapist told me it’s hard to remember what hurt you so much. I find that to be true in this situation, but I’ll try my best.

— —

I’ve never had a boyfriend in my life. And I was 22 years old.

My brother created an online profile for me on a website called OKCupid. He told me that it wasn’t just for dating, but you could also make friends.

I met Julien on OKCupid. His username was “JulienB26” (his last name started with a B and he was 26… I know, very creative…). Mine was “BurnTogether” (the name of a music album I was OBSESSED with at the time)

He was not my type at all, but sent me the sweetest, most personal message I had ever received, so I thought “why not?”

We met in a rock bar in Camden Town called The Worlds End, and it was fun. We got on straight away and it was my best first date ever.

Long story short we ended up dating.

After only about a month, I left my Au Pair family and moved in with him in Notting Hill. He met my family and I met his.

My parents adored him! He seemed so perfect. He was cultured, dressed nicely, polite, had a good job, a nice and tidy apartment…

He wasn’t that perfect though.

— —

He smoked a lot of weed, was addicted to online video games and extremely jealous.

I remember one time when I was typing to my friend at the time, he snatched my phone out of my hands to see what I was writing. It was quite aggressive and I did not like it at all.

— —

My Au Pair friend Pri invited me one day to spend time with her and our new Au Pair friend to go out to pubs near London Bridge.

I refused, as Julien didn’t want me to go. He didn’t like Pri.

We (Julien and I) went to the rock bar we first met at instead. It was not fun. We didn’t have much left in common.

I felt the relationship slowly dying and there was a lot about him I did not like anymore. But breaking up with him was not an option.

I got drunk. I often drank. I liked it so much and would drink too much, too often.

The following day I saw about 5 to 10 messages from my friend Pri.

There was a terrorist attack that very same night at London Bridge.

She managed to escape but unfortunately our Au Pair friend, did not.

— —

Pri asked me to spend the day with her, the day we found out that our friend had passed away and, of course, I went.

We drank wine together and cried.

She didn’t want to spend the night alone and asked me if I could stay with her.

I agreed and asked Julien if it was okay with him. But it was not.

It was a problem for him and he refused.

I left.

— —

Julien had been acting strange for a couple of days.

I didn’t really know what to do and didn’t want to be egocentric and assume it was because of me, but I did.

Maybe he was thinking about his father who passed away?

I didn’t know, and he wasn’t telling me anything.

— —

One day, as I came home from babysitting, and had enough. I needed to know what was wrong.

He put down his joint, told his online friends on Discord that he needed to leave and turned around from his computer to face me.

— —

This part is very hard to remember.

He told me I didn’t deserve his love as he couldn’t love me to the fullest.

He wasn’t sure whether or not he wanted to end things and needed some time to think.

Our age difference was a problem for him. He thought we were in two different phases of our life.

— —

I didn’t sleep that night.

I watched Netflix and cried until I saw the sun rise.

The next following days were difficult. It was the same pattern everyday.

I woke up sad, left for work angry, came back confused and went to sleep sad.

I didn’t deserve this.

No one deserves being with someone who isn’t sure they love them and needs time to think.

So I decided to leave.

I took a train to Paris and never came back.

— —

My brother who studied art in Paris, decided to spend a year of his education in Bergen, Norway. So he had an un-used flat in Paris for a year.

I asked my parents if I could stay in the flat while looking for a job in Paris.

They agreed.

— —

I felt fresh, like a new chapter of my life was starting. I didn’t know anyone (besides my brothers friends, Julie and Yolo).

I bought healthy, organic, vegan food and bought a membership to a gym that I would go to everyday for an hour.

Things were looking good. I felt positive.

— —

I quickly found a part-time job as a receptionist for a company involved in cryptocurrency.

It was so much fun.

I loved saying hello to all the staff that walked passed my desk in the morning.

My life was good, and it got even better.

— —

I went to the company’s seminar in a grand chateau outside of Paris.

One evening, we had special places to sit for dinner. It was a way of mixing all different employees from different services to connect.

I was sat at a table with one of the Vice Presidents of the company.

He was very kind and asked me what I do outside of work and what I would like to do in the future.

I had a couple of Desperados and told him that I originally wanted to join a company in the music industry and work my way up, but since working for the company, I had fallen in love with the it and would actually like to work my way up in this company.

This was not a sneaky plan or anything. I’m not that smart.

Fortunately though, the President of the company heard my tipsy conversation and called me over.

He asked me if what I said was true. I was astonished he knew my name!

— —

About two weeks after the seminar, the Vice President of Sales approached me asking if we could have a chat.

He had heard from the President that I wanted to join the company and offered me a position in the Sales department.

I had no experience whatsoever in sales, but accepted with great pleasure.

— —

My personal life on the other hand was not going so well.

I was drinking a lot and started cutting myself with broken glass as a punishment for drinking.

But I didn’t tell anyone or do anything about it as I felt in control of the situation.

I was on OKCupid again but comparing every profile to Julien.

In the spring of whatever year it was (2018 maybe?), I went back to London to see Julien as he had some of my belongings to give back to me.

We talked and walked in Hyde Park for about two hours. I wore his favorite dress.

I told him about my amazing new job and friends I had made. I was subtly bragging about my life. I wanted him to regret letting me go. And he did. He cried so much and felt very regretful. I felt happy even though I was suffering inside.

Towards the end of the walk he told me he was seeing someone new.

I did not expect that. I was shocked.

— —

I remember taking the underground back, and crying like I have never cried before while listening to Taylor Swift.

I felt that something inside of me had changed. Something bad.

— —

After returning back to Paris things got worse. I was drinking more and cutting deeper and more often.

Julien was still texting me at the time and I was not responding as I wanted to cut the cord with him.

He didn’t understand why and I remember telling him that I had never felt this bad in my life. I had never hated myself so much and needed space.

He told me that I needed to seek professional help.

I said goodbye and blocked him.

— —

On the day of Gay Pride 2018 in Paris.

I was drinking alone.

I didn’t eat anything that day and drank a bottle of white wine alone in my flat.

I remember grabbing a glass and smashing it on the floor, collecting the sharpest piece of glass I could find and cutting and cutting and cutting.

My friend Yolo came over and saw the pieces if glass all over the kitchen floor and saw me on the floor crying and bleeding.

She called an Uber and took me to a psychiatric hospital.

I was so desperate for help that I would have gone anywhere she took me.

We had to stop the Uber half way there so I could throw up and then continue on our route.

— —

Once there I remember talking to a professional, crying, about suicidal thoughts I had.

I remember doing a lot of research at the time and discovered a website.

It had all the information I was looking for on it.

I spent a night at the hospital Saint Anne to sober up.

The following day, they let me go.

— —

Even though things were bad, I still felt 100% in control of the situation.

I would self harm and drink almost daily.

I continued doing research about suicide and the sharpest object known to man.

One day I decided to order a pack of scalpels off of Amazon. They arrived quickly.

I was so eager to try them but had to go to work that day. So I just did a small cut on my arm and wow.

I didn’t press hard at all but bled. It was so satisfying at the time.

— —

On my friend Julie’s birthday I remember coming home from work, going to the closest shop to my flat and buying two 50cl cans of Desperados. I could tell the cashier was judging me, but I did not care much.

I put on a stand up comedy show on Netflix and proceeded to drink the beer.

Then I remembered the scalpels in my bedside draw.

I had promised myself not to self-harm anymore before the summer holidays as I would be around my family in t-shirts and shorts.

But I wanted to so badly. So I did.

I said to myself that it would be just one cut on my thigh. But it had to be satisfying enough.

So I cut my thigh.

— —

I forgot that it was a scalpel and in my mind it was just a piece of broken glass.

Big mistake.

I cut too deep.

I remember seeing the white fat through the cut in my thigh.

It didn’t hurt though.

Then the blood started to flow. There was so much.

I tried to close the cut with my hands, but blood got everywhere.

I panicked.

I didn’t want to disturbed Julie on her birthday so I phoned her boyfriend (who was also my work colleague).

He calmed me down and phoned the emergencies who arrived very quickly.

— —

I went to the hospital and had to have ten stitches in my thigh.

They also made me speak to a therapist there who told me I could go home.

So I went home.

— —

I was seeing a psychiatrist for a while (since the Gay Pride event)

That told me after the 10 stitches incident that I was depressed.

I still remember the feeling of her telling me I was depressed. I was shocked and didn’t want to believe her.

I had everything under control!

She suggested I take antidepressants and I accepted. Paroxetine 10mg

— —

I worked for the company for about a year.

It was amazing.

I traveled to Berlin and London. I also attended a “Blockchain Cruise” from Barcelona to Monaco to Ibiza.

I could bring whomever I wanted from the company.

I chose Jacques.

He seemed nice.

— —

On the cruise, there was a party going on and of course, we both attended it. I was a little bit tipsy and kissed a guy on the dance floor.

I remember seeing Jacques really angry and went over to talk to him.

We were talking near the main bar on the boat.

He seemed very drunk.

He tried to kiss me but I pushed him away.

He tried again and I had to push harder.

Someone felt the need to intervene and asked me if I needed help.

I told them that everything was okay and walked Jacques back to the room.

— —

After the trip I wanted to forget that side I saw of Jacques.

So I did.

I wanted to be his friend and he wanted to be mine.

— —

One evening we were having drinks with work colleagues in a whiskey bar.

I asked Jacques, as a friend, if he wanted to spend the night at my flat.

I felt very lonely and was a bit tipsy.

I didn’t want anything to happen between us, but I understand now how he thought differently.

— —

As we were going to bed, he tried again, like on the cruise to kiss me.

I pushed him away but he was stronger.

He then proceeded to take my pajama trousers off.

I pulled them back up. He pulled them back down.

I remember his fingers inside of me. I tried pushing him off of me but he grabbed my wrists.

He then, finally, saw that I was not happy.

So thankfully, he stopped.

I pulled my trousers back up and stayed in a foetus position until I fell asleep.

— —

The next morning we walked to work together.

I didn’t feel right. Something about that night felt wrong.

I phoned Julie and told her what had happened. She was in Greece at the time.

I sent an email to my boss telling him that I didn’t feel well and asking him if I could have the day off.

He accepted and I left with my friend Yolo who met me at work.

— —

We had a lovely day. We went to the cinema, went and got massages, and later on that evening, we were at a café and my friend Julie appeared out of nowhere!

She had taken an early plane back from Greece to come and see me.

I was so happy to see her!

— —

The next week, at the end of the day at work, round 7pm, my boss asked if he could talk to me.

He told me that the President of the company had heard that I slept with a married colleague.

This has never happened and I has shocked and embarrassed.

I told him this information was not true and he believed me.

He told me to tell him if anything ever happens between me and a colleague.

I felt the need to tell him that Jacques took advantage to me. And I did.

My voice was shacking. He was angry.

After our chat, I left and went home.

— —

I don’t remember this part very well but I remember going to see my therapist very drunk with a bottle in my hand to my appointment.

She called the emergencies and they took me to a psychiatric hospital, La Maison Blanche.

— —

It was very strange at first seeing all different kinds of patients, with all different mental illnesses.

(the person is drinking water from a puddle, not praying)

— —

I stayed for about 15 days there and made some friends.

It wasn’t as bad as it first seemed.

— —

My siblings were aware of what was going on with me. But once again, I still felt under control of what was happening.

They didn’t think so, and they were right to think that.

One day I ran away of the hospital and drank cans of beer in the side walk.

That is when my siblings decided to tell my parents what was going on.

After going back inside the hospital, one of the nurses told me that my mother was on her way to see me, she took a 4h train to come.

She had no idea what was going on before. It must have been a terrible shock for her.

I felt so scared and embarrassed for her to see me in this blue outfit they had given me but they refused to give me back my clothes.

— —

It was extremely difficult to balance my work and personal mental health.

I was coming to terms with my depression and accepting that I was, in fact, never in control of anything that was happening to me.

— —

After leaving the hospital, I went back to work.

It was very awkward at first.

The President of the company asked to speak with me about my long absence.

I didn’t want to go into details, so I just mentioned that I was at the hospital without saying why, or what kind of hospital…

Later that same day, someone from human resources also asked to speak to me.

She was asking is everything was okay and I told her what my therapist had told me to say, that I had a really sore throat.

Now looking back at it, I know that she knew exactly where I was. In a psychiatric hospital.

The papers the hospital were giving to my company to cover my absence, had the address on them.

So she knew…

— —

One day, my boss got fired out of the blue. He was such an amazing person and work colleague. He didn’t deserve this.

Later that month, my other Sales colleague, also got fired.

Cryptocurrency was not doing as well as it was before, and the company was slowly dying.

I was next to get fired.

It was the day before my birthday.

I remember my new, less cool boss, asked me to have a word with him and a person from HR.

I honestly thought at the time that I was getting a raise. Lol.

The conversation was very awkward, it lasted about 15 minutes. I don’t remember much of what was said.

They told me to leave straight away and not mention to anyone that I got fired.

I told my friend/colleague on Slack before leaving the building.

He was worried he was next to get fired.

So I sent him a brief message saying “turns out you were right about the Sales team getting fired. I have to leave now. Please don’t tell anyone.”

I left and went home.

— —

As I got home I lay on the sofa staring into oblivion.

I wanted to cry. I said to myself that this is a situation most people would cry.

But it was so hard to shed a tear.

I felt numb.

— —

I phoned my mother and told her what had happened. She was worried I would do something bad.

I invited my friend, Alienor, that I made from the hospital over, and we drank beer and took cocaine.

My father phoned me.

He could hear by my voice that I had drank.

My parents contacted Yolo to come pick me up and take me back to the hospital by Uber.

I felt obliged to go with her, so I went and Alienor left.

I only stayed one night or maybe two. I don’t really remember.

— —

I continued living in Paris for a couple of months, without a job.

I would drink everyday. Cans of Heineken beer.

I would wake up and drink straight away, while watching BoJack Horseman.

Then I would fall asleep around 6pm.

Everyday was the same pattern. Beer and BoJack.

— —

I had stopped self harming, as I had promised myself since the 10 stitches to never start again. But suicide was still a big subject in my mind.

The website I had discovered, has the most common methods of suicide in order of success rate. And hanging myself seemed like an okay technique.

I wanted to test it out without actually killing myself.

I know it sounds weird.

I wanted to try and see if it was doable without actually doing it all the way.

——

I took the cotton belt off from my work trousers. I thought to myself that I wouldn’t need it anymore, as I don’t have a job anymore.

I tied a knot around my clothes hanger in my wardrobe, and tied the other side around my neck.

Then, I very gently bent my legs (as I could touch the floor).

The next thing I remember is waking up with the belt around my neck, in my wardrobe.

Saliva was all over my mouth. Snot was dripping from my nose.

It scared me.

I couldn’t undo the tight knot around my neck so cut it off with a pair of kitchen scissors.

I threw the belt in the bin and laid in my bed in a state of shock.

I phoned a friend at the time, and told him what just happened to me.

He came over and we talked about it.

— —

I liked him, he promised not to tell anyone and let me drink.

Yolo and Julie where more worried and protective. They would judge how much I would drink, and I didn’t really like that.

— —

One day, a colleague/friend of mine was organizing a small party at his house with about 8 people.

Julie, her boyfriend, Yolo and I all went along with other ex-work colleagues.

I got drunk quickly. And when I drank, I would talk too much.

I told a friend/ex-work colleague that I tried to hang myself the other day just to try it out but ended up fainting.

— —

Later that evening, I went home to my flat and fell asleep.

Around 3 in the morning, my door bell rang.

I didn’t know who it was, but opened the door all tired.

It was Julie, Yolo and another friend.

They were really worried about me.

What I had said at that party has gotten out, and everyone knew about it.

They told me I needed to go back to the hospital.

So I did the very next morning.

— —

I went back to The Maison Blanche, and stayed there for 12 nights.

One of the male nurses saw me and asked why I was back, again.

I told him what had happened and he was very nice. He gave me advice and listened to me.

He mentioned that we should go out for drinks once I get out of the hospital. I agreed and gave him my number.

— —

We texted that night, while I was in my hospital bed.

Our text messages were very flirtatious.

The next following days we had sexual relations in my hospital room, and in the storage room.

— —

Once I left La Maison Blanche, I invited Alienor over to drink and take cocaine.

And I told her about my romantic affair I had at the hospital.

She didn’t seem surprised. She told me that another female patient had sexual relations with a nurse there too, and she wondered if it was the same nurse. So did I.

We sent a message to the girl in question and asked her to describe the male nurse she had relations with.

It was him. Paul. And she was 17.

— —

This suddenly felt wrong and I had to tell someone. So I told my mother about Paul and also Jacques.

She was really angry. More so about Paul the nurse than Jacques. But I felt the opposite.

I didn’t feel taken advantage of by Paul. But Jaques really hurt me.

My mother wanted me to report both of them to the police, so I did.

— —

My parents didn’t trust me living alone in such a big city so far away. I needed help.

In May 2019 I want to Rehab for alcohol and cocaine addiction.

I spent one month there. It was much nicer than the hospital. They had a ping-ping table, a chess set and many more activities.

I spent a month in Rehab and it was really nice to be away from alcohol.

Alcohol affected me in bad ways.

I would say so many things I regret. I would hurt myself and make bad decisions.

I drank so much that when I didn’t, I would uncontrollably shake and feel faintish.

Rehab made me want to stop forever.

— —

My mother would visit me often and it was lovely to see her. She was very supportive.

After leaving Rehab, it was time for me to leave Paris forever and move back in with my parents down South of France.

I needed to not be alone. I needed help.

— —

I moved back into my old bedroom with my vinyls and The White Stripes posters. It was comforting.

I was now taking more medication : Paroxetine (20mg) and Abilify (5mg).

And it was making me feel better.

My mother wanted me to see one of the best therapists in France.

So I started seeing a new psychiatrist in Bordeaux, FR (1h away by train) every two weeks.

At first we did not get along.

I wanted him to help me forget about my ex, but he explained that it was not possible to forget the past, you must accept it as part of you, like a scar.

He wanted me start writing about my feelings in a journal. I was not good at it and did not enjoy it. But I did it anyway.

— —

A few months later, I was starting to feel much better and stronger.

My therapist was really helping me, and so was my family.

I decided it was time to find a job near my parents house.

In October 2019, I found a job as an Exhibition Assistant for a company in events.

I was saving up to move to Sydney, Australia. To start a new life far away. To a place I’ve always wanted to go to.

I’ve never been to Australia but didn’t care.

— —

Working for this company was not fun, and a lot of pressure. They wanted to me make a minimum of 200 phone calls a day. And I hated being on the phone.

I told my therapist about my job being very pressurizing and he told me to quite and move to Sydney sooner.

That sounded like a great plan! I was so happy about this decision.

I went home and bought myself a Working Holiday Visa.

— —

My psychiatrist decided it was time to stop my medication as I was doing really well.

So I stopped them gradually.

The withdraw effects were a nightmare.

I was sweating, felt nauseous, had diarrhea, felt extremely emotional…

But that only lasted for about 2 weeks.

I was so happy that I wasn’t taking any medication anymore!

I felt on top of the world.

— —

For New Years Eve, I decided to go see my old friends from when I was doing my Sound Engineering course.

I told them about what had happened to me, and I could see it made them sad. They told me that I was such a happy person before. That I didn’t deserve this.

I told them I was fine now and that it was in the past.

I didn’t drink on NYE and they respected that. But I felt odd. I felt numb for some reason. They loved me so much and expressed it. But I didn’t seem to feel the same way. I used to. But not anymore. I didn’t feel love for anyone and that worried me. I felt like a ghost.

— —

My mother picked me up and could tell that I was different.

I went to work the following day and did not feel well at all.

I could feel it all coming back. I was so scared and ashamed of relapsing. But I knew I was.

I told my boss that I wasn’t feeling well and she let me go home.

I got back home and told my parents : I think I’m depressed again…

— —

I saw my therapist again and every session he would read what I wrote.

This was the last time I wrote in my diary.

He closed my black book and called my mother in.

He told me I needed to go back to a psychiatric hospital.

— —

My parents drove me back home from Bordeaux after that session and we packed a suitcase and went to the nearest psychiatric hospital. La Candelie in Agen.

I remember hearing my therapist on the phone to the hospital telling them I have Borderline Personality Disorder. I had no idea what that was.

— —

I arrived at La Candelie and spent 7 weeks there.

I was not in a good state of mind.

I tried hanging myself multiple times there in the shower but couldn’t let go of all of my weight by bending my legs. I just couldn’t.

I cut myself often and managed to bring in Vodka.

It was a mess.

— —

They put me in the isolation room for one night.

The isolation room was horrific.

They gave me paper pajamas that would rip with the slightest movement.

The door was locked and I had a bucket to pee in.

I was not allowed a pillow or a blanket. It was so cold and my pajamas were ripped everywhere.

The next morning, I saw a psychiatrist from the hospital and told him that I was fine and just being dramatic. I did not want to go back there.

— —

After 7 long weeks I was finally allowed out.

It was a long time.

I was now on even more medication : Paroxetine, Abilify, Tercian, Alprazolam and Mirtazapine.

I felt so numb. Better, but numb.

Australia was not an option anymore. Not for a while anyway.

— —

Once I left the hospital, I was obliged to have a nurse come to my parents house every morning and evening to make sure that I take all my medication properly.

I also had to go a psychological-medical center once a week.

I got tired of explaining what happened when, where and why. It was hard to remember. So I decided to write all the bullet points down on a piece of paper.

— —

· Where am I now?

Today is the 13th of May 2021. I still suffer from my mental illness even though I wish it was all in the past.

I’m currently taking Mirtazapine, Abilify and Alprazolam and only see a nurse once a week to restock on medication.

My therapist appointments have been elongated to once a month.

I haven’t self harmed in about a year.

I do however still have episodes with suicidal thoughts, but they are less severe.

My therapist from Paris once told me that you will have ups and downs, but with time the ups will be less up and the downs less down.

It’s starting to make sense now.

I currently live in a small city called Agen (30m drive from my parents house) with my boyfriend Yann. He’s the best.

We met through an old friend of mine that I reconnected with last year.

I still don’t have many friends where I live, as they are all over the place (Montpellier, London and Paris)

— —

My mother took an online course about Borderline Personality Disorder, which I really appreciate. I feel like maybe she understands a part of me more.

— —

Julie left Paris and moved to Montpellier to become a Yoga instructor. She and her boyfriend are still together, building their new life in the South of France.

— —

Yolo is still in Paris, she recently got a job as a video editor for a cool company. She’s doing great.

— —

Pri is still in London, not as an Au Pair anymore but as a chef by day, and an Art Salon organizer by night. She’s always been very productive and I admire that.

— —

Alienor unfortunately is back in the hospital in Paris, La Maison Blanche, as she tried to commit suicide by jumping off of a bridge above train rails. She lost both of her legs and one arm, but thankfully survived.

— —

The criminal cases concerning Jacques and Paul the nurse, are still going on. It’s been a very long process but I hope it ends soon.

— —

I don’t have any news at all regarding Julien and do not plan on having any.

— —

· Why am I writing this?

Like I wrote at the beginning of this, longer than expected text, about my mental health, I am writing this for me, my family and friends and hopefully others who may relate to it and seek help if they need it.

I often mentioned that I felt under control of the situation, but I was wrong. So maybe someone reading this might make the decision to seek help.

I have no words to describe how thankful I am to the people who helped me.

This is not a suicide note, it’s the opposite. It’s a “life” note.

A note to remind me that some days can be nice and happy, but others can be very, very hard. But you must go on. You must keep on fighting. It might seem like an endless battle but it gets better.

Sometimes that’s hard to see. But I see it now.

#borderline life #borderline personality traits #bpd #borderline personality disorder #mental health #mental illness #addiction #love #love story

2 notes · View notes

bangtancentricsblog · 4 years

Text

part of the Smoke Clouds Series

{adj.} (of a person or their behavior) unconventional and slightly strange

weird neighbor taehyung x grumpy mc

This is my second ever fic for Taehyung, it’s narrative heavy and comes in at around 2.8k and it’s the most I’ve written in a while! It was inspired by Stanley and Sydney’s relationship in Netflix’s ‘I Am Not Okay with This’. It’s unedited and has recreational drug use, Tae smokes weed, Mc has trouble making friends. Features weed dealer Jungkook, I wish I was as witty as I think I am and maybe this would’ve been funnier please let me know what you think! Let me know if I forgot to mention something.

Taehyung was weird, or maybe he was just a happy guy. Either way he made it his sole purpose to annoy you, well at least that’s what you thought. You’d moved into this neighborhood some two years ago, you hadn’t greeted anyone or even bother to introduce yourself. No, you weren’t the ‘I’m new in town and I made cookies’ kind of neighbor. That was the kind of shit people did when they wanted friends in their neighbors, but not you. No you weren’t that nice and you didn’t in fact care if you were friends with the neighbors. Hell you’d be happy if they never spoke to you, except for the fact that Taehyung had happily walked down the road and introduced himself to you. Again he was weird, long locks just hanging in his face as he smiled the weirdest box smile you’d ever seen. He’d been the one to bake something for you as a welcome gift, he didn’t even bat an eye as you said you didn’t want it. He’d only smiled and turned on his heel once again welcoming you to the neighborhood. It’d taken a moment, hands clutching the pyrex filled with cookies to realize he was sans shoes. He was weird.

It had taken four months, that's right four of him running up to you whenever he’d see you down the street, mud caked to the soles of his feet as he took the shopping bags from you and carried them the rest of the way for him to worm his way into a friendship. It took him no time at all to ask if you wanted to get high with him, something that you had always turned your nose up at but had agreed bringing the snacks from the convenience store with you. The first time you smoke with him he shotguns it to ease you into it, it’s also the start of when you two casually kiss even if not for the benefit of sharing the high. His lips were soft and he was handsome if you took the time to really look and you did when you were high. Through him you meet his dealer, a boy by the name of Jungkook who lives a block from the convenience store you frequent when you're high. Taehyung takes to holding you around the waist when your mind is cloudy from the weed giggles slipping past usually cemented lips. He tells you that you smile more after you’ve smoked, a scowl settling on your lips while you’re still sober. It isn't something you like to think about especially since he’s just your friend.

He was always smiling you note, even when you would angrily rant about how stupid he was for not wearing shoes when he got sick. He’d choked on his laugh, coughing as he told you how much he loved the feel of nature through his toes. You go to parties together, the people you meet are nice enough but none of them like you. Except for Jungkook with his bambi eyes and bunny smile who takes to holding your hand and dragging you around when Taehyung is busy with other people. You’re not jealous, because why would you be? You aren't his girlfriend and he has more friends than just you, he shouldn't have to sacrifice his fun to make sure you're enjoying yourself. Jungkook asks you if you want to smoke with him and you say yes, you’re taking a slow drag from the blunt when another person comes up and asks for a hit. You hand it over narrowing your eyes at the girl who’s standing beside you, she’s pretty dark head of hair shining in the moonlight her eyes twinkling with mirth as she meets your gaze. She introduces herself as Lisa, a friend of Jungkooks and you smile softly, she's nice enough she makes you laugh but you don’t see yourself becoming her friend.

He’s wearing shoes the day he asks you why you hate people. He doesn’t ask to be mean and you don’t think he really cares all that much, he’s just curious. You’re brows furrow lips pressed in a firm line, quite honestly you don't want to tell him why. He doesn’t need to know and it’s been almost 8 months of your friendship so you don't want to see him change because of you. So you don't say anything and instead change the topic to Jungkook who you saw at the convenience store buying a large slushie and scowling at the microwave. He doesn’t ask again just laughs as he tells you how the other boy has been feuding with the thing since he was a kid. He shares some of his own childhood stories and they’re funny so you laugh but there’s no real humor to it. You two smoke later that day making out as you’re perched in his lap. The fuzziness of your brain lulling any of the thoughts that has managed to surface from your earlier conversation.

You’ve been ‘friends’ nearly a year when you hurt his feelings. He didn't push really, never brought up why you hated people again. So you don’t really know why you reacted the way you did, he’d been standing in his yard (sans shoes but that was normal now) hands tucked into his pockets as Lisa giggled up at him. He smiled down at her that soft dopey smile he wore whenever he was higher than a kite. The one you had thought was reserved only for you, but maybe he was just that kind of guy. Sure you kissed and smoked together but nothing else has happened. He didn't call you his girlfriend and you didn't call him your boyfriend, you went to parties together sure but nothing happened. It was a stagnant, comfortable place, one that you had happily kept near and dear. One that you didn't think would ever be something you’d have to give up. You see him turn smile so wide as he catches sight of you and leaves Lisa to come join you down the road. You’ve come from the doctors today, and even though he doesn't know it's hard to not want to be mean to him.

You hadn’t meant it, the words that had come from you burned like acid on your tongue. The look of utter hurt that crossed his features as you spat the nastiest things at him made you want to crumble. You’d managed to take all the things you liked about him and twist them into the most horrible things you could possibly think of. His smile had fallen eyes shining with tears as he looked at his feet suddenly shy and then nodded his head once before bolting away from you. Lisa had scowled at you as she walked past, shoulder checking you and calling you an asshole. You couldn’t have agreed more, so you continued your walk to your house mind rampant with thoughts of a weird boy with a box smile.

It's been almost a month since you’ve last spoken to Taehyung, not that you would want to either if you were in his position. He avoids you as best as he can, you’ve seen him just up the road when you come from a late night walk to the convenience store. He looks tired, not much like himself, or at least the version of himself you know. You don’t go out much anymore either, Jungkook glares at you when he sees you and you understand. It’s not much but Jungkook was the only person that you actually liked and considered a friend besides Taehyung. It's considerably harder to get through the day, especially when you used to spend it smoking with Taehyung and Jungkook won't sell you any weed now that he also isn't speaking to you. All in all you miss your friends, the ones you made here in this new town that was supposed to be a new start. The sun is shining through the blinds in your living room as you lay on the couch the tv on but nothing catches your attention. The newest season of Castlevania plays and it's one of Netflix’s best animated shows yet, or at least to you it was. You had planned to watch it with Taehyung since you both shared an open admiration for Richard Armitage and his role as Trevor Belmont. You’re on episode eight which means you spent the entire time staring blankly at the screen none of what has happened enough to distract you from how badly you had fucked everything up.

The pyrex from all those months ago sat on your kitchen table empty and clean ready to be returned but seemingly forgotten. You missed him, missed his dopey smile, his deep chuckle, the soft way he kissed you, the slow drawl to his voice when he was higher than a fucking kite. You missed Taehyung and you wanted to go back to how it was before you had burned down that bridge of friendship and maybe something else. You rose slowly, ass now firmly planted on the couch cushion as your hands rubbed at your jean clad legs. It took you a couple of minutes, well more like a few months but you’d come to a shocking conclusion. Taehyung, the same guy who almost never wore shoes, the one who smoked as much as he laughed. Taehyung whose boxy smile was the highlight of your day, who held you tenderly and kissed you softly. Taehyung who had introduced you to Jungkook, who loved animals and drank too much coke. Taehyung who you had been rude to upon introduction, but had baked you cookies anyways was quite possibly the best thing to happen to you your entire life, and you now had come to realize you were completely in love with. The same Taehyung who probably hated you, the one who you made cry and all because you had seen him smile at someone else. God you were the worst, you wanted to cry just thinking about all the mean things you had said. Maybe you could make it up to him somehow, maybe you could bake him something and show him how sorry you are and how much you miss him.

Two hours later you’re pulling a less than appealing cake from your oven. It seemed simple enough on the box, so why the hell does it look like this. It's at this very moment that you realize that you are a terrible baker, and an even worse human.

“Oh god what the fuck.” you mutter hands on the counter as you wonder if he’ll like it. You suck it up and hope for the best, the worst that can happen is you fuck it up and he tell you he never wants to see you again. Guys like big gestures, right? To be honest you’re not entirely sure but you hope he does. You’re nervous as you wipe your hands on your jeans and make your way down the road to his house. Halfway there you stop turning back only to keep moving towards his house, its nerve wracking. Never had you had feelings like this for someone and never had you fucked up this bad. You’re standing in front of his door the paint looking just as it had almost a month ago. Except here and now he’s not standing there smiling down at you and inviting you in for your daily smoke session. It feels like forever just standing here now that you managed to sift through your thoughts and came to the conclusion that you had feelings for him. Yet you know nothing will change if you don't gather enough strength to make your limbs move and knock.

A sound comes making your eyes grow wide as you realize that you’ve just knocked and are currently still knocking on his door. All the blood rushes from your face when you realize maybe now isn't the best time to try and reconcile with him. The sun is setting quickly and you haven't had enough time to prepare what you want to say to him. Your heart beats in your chest hard enough that you hope it bruises something, maybe then you’ll have time to thoroughly think this through. You’re ready to book it hands gripping tightly onto the pyrex container to make sure it doesn’t fall and break as you run for it, only you can’t run because the door opens. The light is low with Frank Sinatra floating softly through the air, your eyes are wide as they take in Taehyung. He's not smiling for one but his hair is longer curling at the ends and hanging in his face. He's wearing a black button up tucked into a very tight very appealing pair of black jeans, the top two buttons of his shirt are undone flashing that bit of caramel skin you loved seeing.

He’s dressed like he went into the office today whereas he usually works from home and suddenly you feel all the more ready to flee. Though you see a glimmer of curiosity flicker through his gaze and that's what keeps you planted where you are. He quirks a brow and it's now that you notice the two of you have been standing awkwardly staring at one another. You clear your throat first before you thrust the pyrex container towards him and ducking your head.

“I made this for you.” you breath the words so quietly you aren’t sure he even heard you. The container leaves your hands and you hear the lid come off followed by a distressed sound. You’ve taken to gnawing on your lip as you try to formulate other words.

“What is this exactly?”

“Devil's food cake, sorry if it tastes like shit its from a box.”

“Oh,” he says sounding mildly confused and maybe because the half charred half undercooked treat is terrible. You still cant comprehend how the hell you managed to fuck it up like that “wow you are so bad at this.”and you perk up slightly because you can just barely make out a sliver of mirth in his tone.

“I, I wanted to um, I uh, well…”you sputter trying your hardest to form a proper sentence. Though you notice you sound more like a bumbling babbling baboon. You meet his stare hoping that he knows, that he can tell what you’re trying to say. He has beautiful eyes you note, still trying to make your feelings known. He just waits patiently a small smile lining his lips the longer you stand trying to come up with the words to tell him. He watches as you gesture with your hands, opening and closing your mouth multiple times as your features slowly grow more and more frustrated. You’re huffing now scowl growing the longer you take to form words that will hopefully get your feelings across. Nothing comes, and you’re just about ready to cry and leave. Tears shine in your eyes blurring your vision a sob crawling its way up your throat in an attempt to flee. It doesn’t come however as Taehyung's warm palms cup your cheeks thumbs swiping just under your eyes and catching the tears that clung to your lashes. The pyrex container is out of sight as he leans forward pressing his lips to yours in a kiss.

It's soft, softer than when you first kissed and softer than all the others after that. He slants his lips slightly kissing you with just the press of your lips and nothing more. It frees the butterflies in your tummy, and your hands come up to grasp onto his belt loops. Anything really that will reassure you that this is real, that he is here and he is real. He pulls away eyes meeting yours once more, “I’m sorry,” you say and he smiles pressing his forehead to yours “i didn't mean any of what i said. I want you to know that.”

“I know, and it's okay.”

“It's not, I’m sorry. I never want to hurt you like that.” you whisper now tears filling your eyes again.

“I know, and i already forgave you.”

“I like you.” you blurt wishing you had waited. His eyes crinkle as his box smile kisses his lips, he pulls away hand turned up in an offering for you to take.

“Do you want to come in and smoke?” You take his hand nodding and walking in behind him. Your perched on his lap two hours later arms wrapped around his neck mind blissfully fuzzy from the weed. His lips are soft, and he’s just as beautiful as you remember, his arms are around your waist holding you close as you take your time kissing him. He groans every now and then when you take to nipping at the skin of his neck, eyes hazy with that far away he gets. You’ve pulled away from his neck taking in a blooming blemish that’ll be vibrant come morning when he says, “I like you too.” mouth already quirked in a smirk when he sees your eyes shine as you pull him into another kiss that's too much tongue and teeth but perfect.

✧✧✧✧✧✧

taglist:

@boymeetsweevil look I did something and even if it’s unedited I really like it!

#emm writes #kim taehyung #mine #march 2020 fic #this is new #i wrote this so quickly #i havent written this quickly in a long time #kim taehyung x reader #stoner taehyung #weed dealer jungkook #x reader #fic: sst

53 notes · View notes

nhlhoser · 6 years

Text

On The Rocks - 18

Part 17 Masterlist

word count: 3042

The usual minor swearing that comes with hockey

Dinner ended up being at Aria a high-end Italian restaurant with Stephanie and Matt Martins better half model girlfriend Sydney. 1000 watt smile, beautiful long blonde hair, and hilarious. We didn't talk about hockey until the topic of Mitch's lip came up and Sydney explained that Matt has been having a hard time today himself, zoning out when he was pouring coffee causing the liquid to over flow and burn his hand.

"I have a good feeling about tonight," Sydney said firmly taking a large sip from her red wine, jealous as I sip my lime water because I have a long night of work still ahead of me.

"God, I hope you're right," Steph taking a needed gulp of her white wine.

"We can only hope," I agreed not knowing if I could handle the level of emotions if they lose tonight, the tension today is any indication. "Freddie, Mo, and Will all came to me about tonight's game. They're really scared," I leave out the interaction with Auston because it seemed wrong felt wrong to say anything for some reason.

Scanning over the Menu, I decide on Gnocchi Dish and a salad to start. Growing up in a household where Italian was spoken more than English, I barely notice that the menu was probably hard to understand for the rest of the table until Steph spoke up.

"What the hell is Antipasti?" both blondes looking confused.

"It's just dishes that aren't pasta. You want to look under Paste or Secondi those are Main dishes," I said casually my eyes not leaving the menu.

"You understand this gibberish?" Came Stephanie's slightly surprised response.

"Uhm yeah- I am Italian," I said slowly looking up to met Steph's wide eyes before her face morphs into one of confusion again.

"Since when?" She asked dumbly and visible face palming herself as the words left her mouth, Sydney finding the situation amusing as her lips pulled into a tiny smile as her shoulder shaking with laughter.

"About birth, I think as my parents are Italian. I thought you could kinda tell, you know olive skins and dark hair," I teased sipping my water as her eyes scan over my face taking in my features with a scowl.

I thought it was obvious that I was at least European.

"Man, I don't know much about you Do I?" She frowned at her wine making me frown.

"I'm a private person, Steph. It's not your fault," I offered, she nodded before continuing on trying to read the menu before again realizing she doesn't speak the language and groaning.

"I don't like mushrooms, what should I get?"

We ended up all ordering a pasta dish, which we all devoured quite un-lady like but we couldn't care because we were hungry and having a good time. Stephanie and Sydney take turns sharing the embarrassing tales that are their boyfriends and the things they do that would totally get them chirped within an inch of their lives if any of the guys heard.

We take dessert to go because we were running out of time but also we stuffed with carbie goodness. Sydney stole my phone and insisted we had to hang out more as she entered her number into my phone with slight difficulty from a bit too much wine for this early in the day when the night hasn't started yet but she had claimed if she was going to remain sane during the game she had to start now, which is quite understandable.

Parting ways as the other two girls head to one of the other WAGs places that are around the corner for some pre-drinking before the game. I drive the 15 minutes home, change and throw my dessert into the back of the fridge before heading back to the ACC to get ready for the night.

The medical room is empty apart from a couple physiotherapist checking over the medical supplies and preparing the packs for the bench tonight, Sparing a couple of greets before heading into the administrative office to work on some paperwork, recording who I've treated today and why.

When players start coming in, the atmosphere immediately shifts into a severe game mode. Quickly saving my work to the hard drive before logging off before heading out into the medical area where Leo Komarov, Nazem Kadri, and Nikita Zaitsev sit on the tables getting their ankles and wrist taped by the staff. Zaits and Leo speaking in a language I can only guess is Russian. Kadri looking bored as he stares intently as the staff tapes his left wrist with laser precision. There's heavy bass music coming from the actual locker room and the usual commotion of men getting ready.

Spending about a half hour helping the therapist tape and massaging out tensions, Paul came around handing me a Leafs hat with a wink before continuing with players that came in. Setting the hat with my wind break in the staff area quickly before getting back to taping.

"It's not serious, I'm just a little sore," A familiar grumpy looking Auston is being pushed into the room by an equally grumpy looking Matt Martin. Both in their under armor compression tops loose shorts with compression leggings under.

"Well, We have the resources to make you not sore. So shut the fuck up," Matt pushed the rookie further through the door, searching the room for someone and when his eyes land on me coming out of the staff area his face breaks in relief.

"Amelia! Talk some sense into this boy," He practically growled as Auston looks bashful not making eye contact.

"I got it from here Marty, Go terrorize Mitch or something," I shooed the larger man who leaves as I approach Auston, stopping three feet in front with my arms crossed my chest.

"Is it your back, again?" I gained Auston's attention.

"Your face," Is his only response making me roll my eyes.

"Box fell on my face, Now your back," I insisted it

Auston was unbreaking in our stare down, eyes steady and body language strong.

"Fine, you don't have to say anything. I can find you sore spot without you telling me," I sigh with a shrug. Auston is unmoving as I circle to his back taking his the mountain of muscle through the skin tight fabric. Panning my eyes from his neck to his hips (by default his bum). Instantly I can see the way he's standing his left lower side sore by the fact his left hip is pulled higher than his right.

Rolling my eyes at this guys stubbornness, I carefully lay my the palm of my hand in his lower back above his hip. Feeling the muscle tense followed by a wince so quick I almost missed it, there's a tiny beginning of a knot but it's deep.

With no warning, I dig the heel of my palm into the bundle of offending muscle and push. Auston gasps as I flex my hand and adjust my hand to now my fingers working out the tension until I feel the muscle release.

Stepping away, I circle back to his front with a frown and a glare.

"I'm aware that hurt Auston. We are here for a reason, you stay here well I get A535 for that," Forcefully pushing him to sit on the table closest giving him a pointed look. Darting to the supply cabinets, searching the shelves for the cream.

Returning the table, my mouth dry's seeing as Auston took off his shirt in the little time I was gone, pausing in step briefly regaining composure. You are a professional-ACT LIKE ONE, AMELIA.

"It'll be easier if you lay down, " He wordlessly moves to a laying position now listening to suggestions. Uncapping and applying probably more than need amount of the cream directly to his lower back. Tossing the bottle on to a table I began rubbing the Goop around the offending area and his upper back but keeping the pressure on his lower back.

"Okay, that should do it," I pulled away 5 minutes later. My hands feeling gross because of heating and cooling properties. "Now go kick some Crosby ass," I teased as Auston sat up pulling his shirt on shaking his head.

"I'll try," with a wink and he leaves to finish getting ready.

After washing the cream from my hands, I spend the time until I have to go into the tunnel cleaning the medical room and spinning on an office chair. Paul eventually came in with a radio and ear piece for me before disappearing again, a sign I need get my act together. Pulling on the windbreaker, adjusting my ponytail before slipping the hat on, sticking the ear piece in and clip the radio to my belt.

The music gets louder the closer it is until warm up, the air is thick with nerves and static excitement. Some of the guys are stoic others are non-stop movement and energy (Mitch). The energy is sure enough to give anyone goosebumps but having seen some of the work gives me crazy jitters myself.

Coming into the commotion after Babcock does his speech and lines, he stands back as the guys start gathering the rest of their equipment on their body before starting to file towards the sliding doors. Morgan came up to me doing the random hand shake from last night before pausing about to bop my nose deciding that might not be the best idea.

"Kick some ass," I quipped as he wattles away with a laugh and a thumbs up. Freddie comes over and bonks the rim of my hat with a subtle wink.

"Amelia, have you met the newest 'baby leaf'," Connor brown come over with William rolling his eye at the term 'baby leaf'. They make way for a fresh face Kasperi.

"TOLD YOU," I cheered as a huge grin spreads across his face. The blue of his jersey and helmet bringing out the blue in his eyes like to does with William and Mitch (and half the team). Fist bumping before he's whisked away by some vets claiming to show him the way.

"Amelia, Can you grab the sticks? They were supposed to be out already." The equipment manager pleaded his hair a mess.

"Yeah," I smiled.

"I'll get one of the other staff to help, you're just the first person I saw," he breathed. I shook my head explaining I would require help, he nodded before running off to stress about something else.

Wondering the side door to the ice the sticks lay against the door waiting. There are two bundles as each player have multiple.

It takes two trips to get both bundles to the bench, I can tell why he had said he'd find someone to help as each bundle was quite heavy but I like to lift heavy things.

There's a collective holy shit as the Leafs get the first goal of the game but then Kessel matches with his own for the penguins. The air leaves the entire building when Freddie goes down, there are orders being blasted through the radio as soon as he comes to the bench and down the tunnel. Mac swears and fumbles a fit getting up as an assistant brings him his mask and his stick and pat his back.

"You got this Big Mac," I chirp when he's on the ice turned to the bench getting a drink of water. He laughs and squirts the water at me, I duck to the side. The laughter lasts a couple seconds before it's serious time again and I'm back to jumping and reacting to everything happening on the ice but keeping my mouth shut.

There are seconds left in the second when Auston is involved in a knee to knee collision and "she drops. The entire bench starts swearing and cursing the opponent.

"Get up, get up," I chant under quietly willing the 6'3" center to get up -he does after what seems like minutes but was only seconds. His face gives away that he's in pain as he skates off and straight down the tunnel.

Pissed.

"Amelia, Matthews is saying you know what to do," was the first thing through the radio seconds later, the players haven't even cleared the cleared the bench yet.

"He knows I'm not a doctor, right?" I radioed back but still made my way into the locker room after the players, wasting no time getting to the medical room.

Auston's still taking off his gear, he adds a majority of it off already. I stood there blank face- wondering if this guy was serious right now?

"I'm not a doctor, Auston" I insisted glaring at the stupid teenage hockey player. The team doctor is standing over him with a similarly concerned glare.

Auston's face is a mix of uncomfortable pain and protest- grumpy. He opens his mouth but closes it when my glare deepened.

"It's just my my back, the same spot from earlier,"

"I'm not touching you until the doctor says it's just that," I declare challenging him to object my voice firm. He gives in nodding and the doctor begins his examination. My eyes still trained on Auston with a mighty glare.

"Why are you glaring at me now?" A whine in his voice as his posture is slouched over like a child.

" 'cause you're an idiot, idiot," Crossing my arm and rolling my eyes like the adult I really am.

"Well it seems it's just what he said unless he's hiding something," The doctor pointed into Auston's knee trying to gage a reaction but nothing so the doctor dismisses himself.

"See, told you," Auston's tone flat but teasing.

"I need alcohol whips, tape and bio freeze,"

"And gloves,"

After applying a thick coat of bio freeze and a lot of pressure on the trouble spot, I let the Bio freeze seep into his skin and into his muscle before wiping away the excess cream with an alcohol wipe then getting started on taping the area for support.

In the end, I felt like I was sending an arts n craft project onto the ice with the amount of tape I used, I was praying for it to at least half for the period. The game is tied at 2 and the mood was still high and so was the dwindling energy.

It was Gardiner that broke the tie- not in the way we need.

Own goal.

The mood depleted instantly but luckily it was still relatively early in the period but that didn't stop the swearing and yelling from both benches. Auston was like a hellhound on the ice, he was rushing the net but they wouldn't go in.

"Fuck," I swore again when another brilliant play didn't work. The fourth line and Auston were in a rush, the defense was crowding him when he passed back to Hunwick who with quick hands flicked to Kasperi and it was in the net the next.

Tie game

6:30 Minutes left

The building erupted in deafening cheers, I was jumping on a security guard in the tunnel not caring. The line did their fist bumps down the bench and the lines reset on the ice, on with play with a surge of adrenaline pushing them fast than Pittsburgh.

3 minutes late Connor Brown scored, deflecting the puck from Gardiners shot into the back of the net behind Fleury. The crowd somehow got even louder than I thought could be humanly possible. Paul was cheering and swearing into the radio.

4-3

2:30 minutes left

A flame was lit under both team, Toronto working insanely hard to maintain the lead as Pittsburgh tried to take it, with multiple great plays but even better moves from Curtis McElhinney shutting even the great Sidney Crosby.

Auston solidified the win with an empty netter down the ice for his 40th goal of the season.

5-3

3.4 Seconds left

THEY DID IT.

THEY WON.

Getting back to the medical room is tricky because of the all the media in the hall and celebration of the Leafs in the locker room. Getting in its void of life but still a mess but knowing how things go it's only going to get worse because the real treatments start after media.

When media left it got busy with many bodies because there is still a game to play tomorrow against the blue jackets, lucky I was in one of the private room to do treatments but not so lucky because some have yet to shower. As soon as I finished with Mitch I sent his ass to the showers 'cause he smelt so bad, then to the contrast pool for his legs-most players is in the hot tubs or contrast pool (extremely cold water). Leo is swearing in multiple languages as he sinks into an ice bath.

"Nice hat," Auston's voice startled me into the cabinet I am currently standing in front of arranging the blankets. Spinning around my hand over my pounding heart, Auston Stands in front of the closed door to the small room on the other side of the massage table looking- bashful.

"I owe you an apology but also a huge thank you," Running his hands through his hair nervously with the beginnings of a smile gracing his lips. I raised a brow at him, my head slightly tilted in confusion.

"I apologize for my stubbornness and for the position I put you in with Dr. Bettle but I was worried that I wasn't going to be cleared to play and I don't know what I would of down if that happened," His eyes close at the image of possibly not being able to play the rest of the most important game- my heart ached for him. "Thank you for being really fucking good at your job, I-I honestly forgot there was even an injury well playing," He admitted with a shy smile.

"Anytime, Auston,"

"I'll be holding you to that," He winked.

"Please keep all emergencies during the day time," I teased but was being serious, taking a deep breath a rather ripe scent assaulted my nostrils.

"Oh my god, Auston! GO SHOWER,"

#Auston Matthews imagine #482754 #on the rocks #mitch marner #William nylander

43 notes · View notes

etherealdusky · 7 years

Text

Had to get a few things off my chest

I've been relistening to the Vampire Academy/Bloodlines series and while I still do like Rose to some extent. I really think she screwed up in the books and some parts of her make her unlikeable.

When I first listened to the series for the first time I loved her and her relationship with Dimitri and I still do like them. I think where Rose pisses me off is in the way she treats her friends/Adrian.

When Adrian was first introduced, I didn't like him, as I felt he was just there to create drama between Romitri.

But I grew to like him just when he wasn't around Rose as I hated the way she treated him, especially at the end of Shadow Kiss when she sweet talked him into giving her money. Though I don't agree he should have given her the ultimatum, that was bad form on his part.

Also at the end of Blood Promise, Rose should never have pursued a relationship with Adrian. She told him to write a proposal of why she should date him, she hadn't said yes yet. Then she finds out she can possibly bring Dimitri back from being a strigoi and that he was in fact alive. I think she should have told Adrian flat out then and there about what happened rather than half being his girlfriend and half trying to find ways to save Dimitri. It's not fair of her to lead him on into actually think he had a shot with her while trying to resurrect her true love back from the undead. As Ron Swanson would say 'Never half ass two things, whole ass one thing'

I don't know I just hated her selfish attitude towards him and the fact that she told him that she would still want things to work even if Dimitri was around. But then when he finally does come back, her whole being seems to revolve around being with Dimitri and getting him to love her. Getting jealous of the fact that he was with Lissa.

'I still felt a lingering attraction for him, yes, but that didn’t change the fact that he had hurt me in breaking things off between us. He had rejected me'

He was the one to break things off not her, she couldn't mean when he was turned strigoi so it must be when he said he didn't love her anymore.

It should have been Rose that broke things off with him because she had a steady boyfriend that she promised to keep around once Dimitri returned. I'd Dimitri was all about getting back together straight away, she would've dropped Adrian. Also she really should have left Dimitri alone, he was traumitized after his ordeal and wasn't the right state to talk to her, yet she kept pushing him.

Then she finally cheated on Adrian, I'm not saying she shouldn't have got back together with Dimitri as we all knew it was heading there, but couldn't they have kept it in their pants till she officially broke things with Adrian. It was actually Dimitri that had to remind her that she had a boyfriend when she was all ready to jump his bones. And also the fact that she didn't want to tell Adrian that she had just slept with Dimitri because she might need his help.

Adrian had to find out that she was cheating by seeing it with his own eyes and after then she never sought him out to break things off properly, he was the one who had to come to her for the 'talk' and she had the audacity to turn it all around him using some twisted Rose logic. Can we appericiate how much Adrian's life sucked at the end of LS, his great aunt was dead, his mother incancerated and his girlfriend was cheating on him.

I'm glad he found love again with Sydney and I am a MAJOR Sydrian fan, I think the fact I prefer Sydrian to Rose/ Adrian was that it was a slow burn romance where they started off as friends first. I didn't get the connection between Rose/Adrian mostly because it was just him flirting and her putting him down. I couldn't properly ship them when they were together because it felt to one sided.

I love Sydrian because they are both flawed people who as Sydney says 'Bring out the best in each other' you could feel their connection before they were even a couple and it wasn't mindless flirting. They learnt about each other's insecurities and fears, had real deep conversations that we never saw between Rose/Adrian. Also I also like the fact that once they were together, they never broke up. There wasn't any other third party and thank god there wasn't any love triangle. I'm not including Brayden as they weren't together then.

I'm just so pleased that after the Rose debacle, Adrian found someone that truly deserves him and knows him despite his flaws.

#anti rose hathaway #sydrian

82 notes · View notes

guns-n-zeppelin · 7 years

Text

Never say die - Chapter 11

Pairing: Axl Rose x reader Words: 1979 Summary: Reader accidentally time travels back to 1985 where Axl, Duff, Slash, Steven and Izzy find her. Never say die masterlist A/N: Here you go again, sorry it’s a bit late but i try. I hope you like this one again, let me know what you think haha.

Next morning i woke up alone in my own bed. I had been hanging out with Axl last night after the party and trying to forget what exactly happened. I didn't get myself drunk at the party nor did Axl, we both were probably a bit tipsy though but not too much at all. We had played board games, chatted and joked and when we finally were watching movie, which was like 2 am already, i managed to pass out on the couch next to Axl. I wonder if he already left back his home, i thought and got up from my bed. I was still wearing the top i wore last night so i changed it to a more comfortable black t-shirt which had a Led Zeppelin logo on it. I had already changed the skirt i had last night to a nice pair of sweatpants. I went to brush my teeth and thus opened the door to bathroom. But then i saw Axl standing in front the mirror drying his long strawberry blonde hair, drops of water running down his body. It took me a while to actually realise that he was fully naked. ”Oh my god i'm so sorry! I didn't know you were still here,” i exclaimed and quickly turned around, not facing him anymore. He just chuckled, threw his towel over his left shoulder. I became a bit startled when he suddenly was standing right behind me and laid his hands on my shoulders. My heart had started to pump faster when his face came closer to mine. ”Oh, don't tell me you didn't like what you saw,” he murmured with a surprisingly low voice to my ear and i felt his amused smile. ”We could just continue where we left off last time after the bar night a while ago. Jon doesn't have to know.” I inhaled sharply air in my lungs. I didn't move and i must admit, just his voice made me already feel really aroused. ”You can't even imagine what kind of things i could do to you. After being with me, Jon would feel like a beginner compared to me. The pleasure i could give to you would blow your damn mind.” Fuck, can my body please control itself. Stupid woman hormones, shh this isn't what you want. You're with Jon, this feels too wrong. One side of me just wanted to turn around and take him right here and right now but my brain tried to assure me it wasn't right. I quickly shook my head and stepped away from Axl. ”No, no, no,” i laughed nervously and held my hands up, facing him again. He finally decided to put his towel around his waist. ”It's not gonna happen, don't even dream of it. I thought we were already over with the bar night.” I crossed my arms and rolled my eyes. I tried my best to not look at him on his eyes. Jesus, woman. Try to control yourself. He just laughed when he saw my reaction, i noticed how much he enjoyed teasing me. ”I was only joking, honey. I'd never let you cheat Jon with anyone, he seems like a great guy,” he said, winked and grabbed his clothes. ”But if you two ever break up and you change your mind… You know where to find me.” He winked again smirking and closing the door after him and left. God, why is he like that? --- Later in the afternoon i promised to meet Steven at the studio, the other boys were doing other stuff somewhere else so it was just the two of us. I had been practicing how to play drums for weeks already, i really wanted to become a drummer as well. Steven had been seriously the best teacher ever. I had tried playing drums a few times when i was younger but i just didn't have enough time to concentrate or something. I don't even remember. I was now trying to play Nightrain and i almost nailed it but not as well as Steven obviously. I finished the song and waited for Steven's reaction but he looked like he had listened probably just half of it or if anything at all. ”Hey, Amy?” Steven asked and stood up. ”Can i ask you something?�� He looked a bit unsure and tried to avoid eye contact with me for some reason. ”Yeah? Is everything alright?” i asked worried. He scratched his neck with his right hand and was quiet for a moment until quickly shook his head. ”No, it's stupid. Nevermind, let's just continue,” he said and sat on a chair next to me. ”Noo, please, you can tell me anything,” i said and squeezed his hand reassuringly which made him look at me. I furrowed my eyebrows. ”I don't know if i want to talk about this to Axl, Slash, Izzy or Duff so could you please not tell them about this?” he asked and i just nodded and let a quick 'of course' out of my mouth. ”I mean, it's just. There's this one girl –” ”Oh my god! Is my Stevie having a crush?” i asked excitedly and hugged him tightly which made Steven blush and eventually look like as red as a tomato. ”No, shut up! I didn't say that,” he said in panic and when he noticed that i was listening attentively, he had courage to continue. ”It's just, she's the most beautiful woman i've ever met. I like everything about her, seriously. Her smile, her laugh… She's just amazing overall.” He scratched his neck again and laughed nervously. ”God, i sound such a cliché.” I giggled a bit but the look Steven gave me was a sign for me to shut my mouth. ”Well, have you told about your feelings to her? You should definitely ask her out.” He sighed. ”No, i haven't told her and i'm not going to do so.” ”Why not?” i asked confused. ”I'm sure she likes you as much as you like her.” ”No, she doesn't. She's already in a relationship with someone else, i can't ruin that and embarrass myself,” he huffed and rolled his eyes. ”I just wanted to get this out of my chest, i needed to talk to someone and you feel like the right person.” ”Well, that sucks. I'm really sorry,” i said and caressed his back with my hand. He smiled a bit. ”Yeah.” ”Do i know her?” i asked curiously. ”What's her name?” He was quiet and held his breath for a while until eventually decided to answer my question. ”Yeah, you know her but the name isn't important right now,” he said nervously. ”Well, if you ever want to talk about it, i'm here okay,” i said smiling. Steven turned his head to look at me. ”Thanks, Amy,” he said, was quiet for a while and i did the same. Soon he smiled widely, stood up again and changed the subject. ”So, let's stop this girly talk. Shall we continue before the others come back?” --- It was about 6 pm and i was taking a walk with Axl. We were walking down the street, both quiet for a while. There weren't many other passers-by near us, just a few. I had my hands in my pockets and Axl put a cigarette between his teeth and lighted it. He offered me one too but i decided to refuse this time. I wasn't sure if i should have taken the incident what happened in the morning part of the conversation but he seemed to be fine ignoring it so i did the same. ”Don't you ever just want to pack your bags and go to see the world?” i asked suddenly after a long silence and got his attention. He looked at me and smiled. ”Yeah of course. I've wanted to do it too many times,” Axl said. ”I've never stepped outside of the US. I want to travel, i want to see the world,” i said smiling widely and looked at the sky. ”I've never had money to travel, all of my friends had travelled atleast to like, three different countries and i was always so jealous because i had to stay at home all the time.” ”Well, you can totally come to our tours with us in the future. I couldn't just leave you here,” he told me and chuckled which made me smile. ”And, when i become a rich rock star, i'll take you anywhere you want,” he stated very proudly which made me laugh a bit. ”I'll take you to Italy, England and even Australia. Eventually we're gonna end up eating baguettes and drinking wine at the top of the Eiffel Tower some day for sure,” he said and winked. ”Oh stop with the lies, it's gonna eventually be just beer in some cheap French bar full of old drunk French men,” i giggled and Axl just shrugged but had to agree. ”But i'll remember that okay,” i stated and pointed at him with my finger. ”You owe me a trip to Australia some day.” He looked at me, pondering it for a while and narrowing his eyes. ”Okay, well, how about this,” Axl started. ”After 5 years in 1991, on this exact day, i will knock on your apartment's door and soon we're already sitting in an airplane heading to Sydney, just the two of us or with the other guys as well, whatever you want.” I looked at his eyes, smile creeping its way on my face. ”Promise?” He smiled and offered his hand which i grabbed almost immediately. ”I promise.” We stayed quiet for a while. ”Oh by the way, when's your next gig?” i asked, breaking the short silence, and looked at him. He looked at me quickly back before he lighted a new cigarette. ”Oh, it's in two days. You should come to watch it. The audience isn't big but it's something,” he said and chuckled. ”Well, i promise to be there,” i said smiling and nodded. ”Can i ask you a question?” he said suddenly. ”I'm just curious.” ”Yeah, ask away.” ”Have you been at our concerts before like, at bigger concerts than just at a bar or something?” he asked and chuckled. I chuckled as well. ”Just one. I think you found the ticket in which i was,” i said and smiled. ”It was really really great, seriously. I hadn't had an opportunity to go to other concerts. I was born a bit too late for that,” i said laughing and rolled my eyes. It made Axl laugh a bit too. But then i thought back at the day the concert was and the moments i stood there next to Amelie and Leo, spilled my water on some random guy's neck, cried during Don't Cry and cried even more during the last song, This I Love. I tried to remember the words Axl said before the song and when i finally realised who it was dedicated, i tried to hold my tears. How didn’t i realise it until just now? Soon Axl noticed that i hadn't heard what he had said to me a few seconds ago. ”Amy? Are you alright?” Axl asked concerned and i looked at him. ”It was about me?” i whispered but Axl was now even more confused than a minute ago. ”What was about you?” he asked again but didn't have time to say anything else since i put my arms around his neck and hugged him tightly. He furrowed his eyebrows but put his arms around me as well. ”Hey, what's wrong?” ”Nothing,” i said and closed my eyes. ”You know i love you so much, right? I love all of you and i don't know what i'd do without you.” He was still really confused what had gotten into me but tried to smile. ”Yeah, i love you too, Amy.” He kept a short pause and whispered, ”I love you more than you can even imagine.”

#guns n roses #guns n roses imagine #imagine guns n roses #axl rose imagine #imagine axl rose #axl rose fanfiction #steven adler #duff mckagan #slash #izzy stradlin #axl rose

101 notes · View notes