#i did also ditch a few when i moved in summer 22

[frazzledsoul]

So the Rory/Logan/Jess timeline in S6 is a little...insane. I may have concluded that S6 lost all sense of time and logic when plotting out this story (if they actually bothered to do that, which they may not have).

Jess comes to visit Rory in Hartford on the Nov 5 episode (6.8). We know it takes place more or less in real time because he mentions that her birthday was a few weeks beforehand. He more or less causes Logan and Rory's breakup by getting Rory to realize that her current lifestyle is making her unhappy and she needs to refocus on her goals and ditch the aimless partying. I believe Rory moves out of her grandparents house right away and goes to stay with Lane.

The next episode is 06.09 (Nov. 15). Rory badgers her way into a job at the Stamford Eagle Gazette, reunites with her mother, and starts making plans to go back to Yale. People rag on Jess for not knowing the "real Rory", but his methods are pretty effective.

6.10 airs on November 22. It's Thanksgiving, so we are more or less in real time. Thanksgiving happens at the Dragonfly: Liz cooks. Jess does not attend. Logan's sister Honor calls Rory to tell her she's sorry about her breakup with Logan. They haven't spoken since Logan left her alone at the bar right after having dinner with Jess, so Logan decided to cut the cord by sending the word through Honor. As we find out later, he then starts sleeping his way through Honor's friends.

6.11 aired on January 10. Rory is back at Yale, so we're still in real time. I wonder if she saw Jess over the holidays. She moves in with Paris and Doyle.

6.12 airs on January 17. Logan decides he wants Rory back, but she rebuffs him. He goes to Lorelai and begs for her help, and Lorelai writes Rory a boyfriend recommendation letter. I think Rory is still undecided by the end of the episode.

6.13 is the infamous (and IMO, overrated) fighting episode. It aired on January 31. Rory doesn't reconcile with Logan until this episode, when he comes to her rescue at the paper.

6.14 is February 7. Paris is kicked out of her position as editor of the Yale Daily News and Rory is voted in. Paris kicks Rory out of the apartment and she moves in with Logan.

6.15 airs on February 14. It's the dreaded Valentine's Day episode. Logan (because he is insane, apparently) invites Luke and Lorelai to Martha's Vineyard for a couples weekend. As you will see, we are in real time here. Rory and Logan mysteriously have a weekend and domestic routine after being back together for two weeks and living together for one. What? How is that possible? He's also taught Rory to cook. I rather like this detail, but there is no way this was accomplished within a week. Did they take advantage of a time loop to accomplish this? So strange.

Oh, and they weren't living like this when Rory was at her grandparents during the summer and fall, because they spent all their time partying, Rory didn't have time, and the grandparents would have noticed if she was out of town with Logan every single weekend. Domestic Martha's Vineyard Logan is obviously someone who is trying harder and not partying so much, which is not who he was before the breakup.

Luke points out that he doesn't want to spend all weekend with Logan because "we don't know where we stand with this guy" and points out that Rory and Logan's relationship status changes every week. Luke was a giant douchebag this episode, but one can't blame him for being right.

6.16 aired on February 28. Rory finds out that Logan slept with Honor's entire bridesmaid party while they were separated, is upset that he "cheated" so soon after they stopped talking to each other, and moves out of his apartment and back in with Paris.

So basically they were back together a little less than a month.

I don't feel Rory is terribly sympathetic here. First of all, she had her tongue down both Tristan and Jess's throats within a day of her first two breakups with Dean, so she really is in no position to talk about moving on too fast. Second of all, the fact that they didn't clarify when exactly they broke up is on both of them because neither of them picked up the phone and asked the other one what was going on. No, Logan shouldn't have broken up with her through his sister, and yes, he should have told her what happened, and he certainly should have given her a heads up before she hung out with his sister's friends, but he technically did not cheat. At least not in the way Rory has done in the past or will a few weeks later with Jess. I don't feel she has the moral authority to proclaim herself as the aggreived one here.

6.16 airs on April 4. I'm not sure if this episode happens a week later or if it's an actual month. It's mentioned that Zach has been working his way up to asking Mama Kim for Lane's hand in marriage and he proposed the previous episode, so it very well could have been a month. Anyway, Logan talks his way into Rory reconciling with him and she moves back in.

6.18 (airing on April 11) is the episode where Rory goes to Truncheon and breaks Jess's heart into a million tiny pieces (again). This time she apologizes to him and admits that he deserves better than to be treated as her sidepiece. She returns to her Logan drama, while Jess is consoled by the many, many willing men and women of Philadelphia. Your slut destiny awaits, Jess. Enjoy.

As we all know, Rory dedicates herself to Logan when he gets injured, and he moves to London at the end of the season (which takes place on May 9) despite Rory accusing Mitchum of trying to interfere in their sacred love and begging him to let Logan stay (Rory, you've broken up and gotten back together twice in six months and have only actually been together about half of that time. Also, you were making out with your ex three weeks ago. Calm down). This relationship does not seem particularly stable. However, we get new writers the next season, so it calms down and both of them actually mature a little before having all of that growth reversed in AYITL while Jess stays awesome. Oh, well.

The thing is, imagine if Jess had made a move sometime in the two months when Rory was officially broken up with Logan (the first time) or if they got together over Christmas or if he had made a move after the second break-up while she was living with Paris. I'm not sure if Rory was mentally stable enough for Jess or if this version of her could handle a long-distance relationship, but that's not the point here. It could have gone so much smoother for both of them, and Jess wouldn't have to be roped against his will into another cheating scenario.

But, alas. Not to be.

#timeline shenanigans #literati speculation #gilmore girls

[halfax-a]

Lin and tumblr

The past year has changed how i use this website quite a lot, and i have feelings about it.  Here, i’m writing a mini essay to help me make my mind up what to do about it all.

The first big painful truth i have to face is: i don’t like my dashboard anymore. I find it increasingly hard to sit and just scroll through and pay attention. I know that a few years ago it used to be better balanced - divided into fandom content, meme content and music content. 

This year, more than ever, saw the absolutely bonkers avalanche of fandom content, which cannibalised both music and meme side of things. I experienced genuine mass hysteria with the flood of people, and i don’t regret that or hate that, but all of it ended up feeling more like witnessing a group of friends having an absolutely insane party - through the front window of their hourse, having your nose pressed to the glass. 

Why it felt so much like that, can be anointed to how i chose to interact with tumblr - 2022 was the year i fully turned to blog-crawling. It ended up impacting me a lot - in ways you can see (7 fandom posts in a row reblogged from one blog), and in ways you can’t (all those hours reading and internalising and the r word). Waking up every day, obsessively searching up 5 to 12 different blogs and spending up to 3 hours just reading updates (combined with my brief stint on twitter in the summer) fucked me up quite well, i think. 

Well. Actually. This is not new behaviour for me. Obsessive checking of tumblr blogs, forum threads and twitter accounts dates back well into 2016. But this is the first time it has fucked with my enjoyment of this site, and i am at a loss what to do.

I feel trapped. My brain does not think it can go without tumblr, because twitter, instagram, even the mighty youtube have surrendered to this blue hellsite, and let it reign the supreme doom scroll hole of my life. 

At the same time, i recognise that i am not really truly having a good time on here(or at least as much as i used to). The more time i spend on specific blogs, the less i am on my dash, which means the less opportunities i have to make connections with my remaining mutuals, and to make new ones.

I feel trapped and i feel isolated. A few years ago i used to know at least 5 blogs that were guaranteed to appear in my notes at any given time. There were more tag games, more casual @/ing and more interaction. Nowadays i feel quite alone. Yes, i did bring this onto myself with 1. aforementioned blog crawling and 2. jumping into excessive fandom posting. I’m just afraid that getting out of there is not as easy as it used to be. 

I’ve seen a lot of people move on, or drift out of my circles over the years, which makes reconnecting with old acquintances/old topics of interest difficult or downright impossible. And as i get on in age (in my old age of 22), i get increasingly nervous seeing 16,15, 14-year-old on here, and interacting with their blogs.

I am also a bit at a loss for how to curate my dash to regain that optimal meme/fandom/music equilibrium. Meme culture has changed a dizzying amount since 2018, and i know i have been left behind. With music and fandom cannibalising and engulfing each other (in that shiver-inducing mass of conciousness known as “mcr fandom”), i am left to try and find some “general” content. But from where??????

All of these things combined has made me feel like i might have to ditch tumblr soon. Either i put in massive amounts of energy, overhaul my dash and find out what i enjoy (while being concious of how to keep the parts of fandom that are truly enriching for me, when the mass hysteria inevitably starts again), or i log off, block, and try to keep my doomscrolling urges fed on fanfiction and youtube shorts.

With my unfortunate mental state, i sure know which seems easier

Now. Why am i still here at this very moment then?

It’s because of drafts! 

See, in my mind, it is possible to Finish Tumblr. During my years here, i have amassed a significant amount of drafts - gifsets, link masterlists, audio, video and photos, and each of them serves a purpose - to remind me to Consume that thing. The day i listen to the final album, final song, the day i watch the final tv show, movie, the day i let that final draft go; that’s when i can say i have Completed Tumblr, and can log off with a light heart. 

So, i haven’t acknowledged it, but i actually have a concrete goal in mind here, and as long as i work on that, i’ll be shackled to this blue hellsite

#me and my obsession with finishing things up..... #obsessively going through my watch later playilist on youtube. going through my read later on ao3. going through my bookmarks on chrome. #using up my makeup. etc etc etc #i'm a bit fucked there #i think it's because i feel i have no control over other aspects of my life #so i tidy and rule with iron fist over these little digital lists that ultimately don't matter at all #ohey i ran out of steam in writing problems and solutions #i don't think i'll actually leave tumblr. not for a while #i just am a little unhappy about my experience right now #anyways i think my fingers are settled now #they have created #A LOT #today #good god #kudos to you if you actually read all that #it's bedtime #bye bye

[bearbaitmegs]

I know I don’t have a lot of active followers here, but I’ve been going though some major changes in my life recently (both good and/or disorienting), and one of the things I am aiming to achieve with that is to reestablish myself online in some small way. Just casually, socially. I used to enjoy interacting and making friends online and some of my oldest friends remain people that I met through the web.

I hope these sporadic personal posts don’t bother you.

I think part of these changes that I’m aspiring to involve getting into the habit of simply posting more. I honestly am unsure of where to migrate to online outside of Tumblr. I’ve ditched Facebook except to check on businesses I’m planning on visiting and occasionally to sell something. I’m only on Snapchat and Instagram to follow one person. I haven’t logged into DeviantArt in almost 10 years. Yahoo 360 is long gone. Adjusting to Discord has been a slow and lurking process because it reminds me of some particularly haunting memories and it lacks most topics I’d be interested in (publicly, at least). Twitter never fit right. I refuse to engage with people on Ao3 or ffn because I’m very hesitant to engage with people who has the same media interests as I do because I’ve had far too much fandom-related trauma and drama and I still have trouble forming friend groups despite 9 years of distance

My brother has an undiagnosed and untreated personality disorder and it has often felt like his drama has been my defining feature for almost 2 years. I have gotten tired of carrying his monkey into all of my relationships and conversations, especially when trying to make new ones. I wish I had custody of my nephew because he and his ex are both sucky and neglectful, but all I can do is wait until the kid turns 18 or asks about emancipation. My brother deliberately seeks out relationships that renew and reinforce his past traumas in order to legitimize his unwillingness to move on and I hold him at least partially responsible for our parents’ decline in emotional, financial, and physical health. I recently opted to go for No Contact/Very Low Contact with him and it’s been freeing and refreshing and I feel immensely happier and more motivated. 

I frequently feel like I don’t have anything worth saying or cannot really think of anything to say. It’s a work in progress. I have always carried a sense of awkwardness and that continues to persist into my 30s, despite the fact that I generally consider myself a confident person. I’ve been in a romantic relationship for 5 years and it fulfills 95% of my social and emotional needs, which... I think has led to leaving many of my other relationships to pasture.

Instinctively, I want to reach out and rectify all of these relationships all at once. Of course, it doesn’t work that way, and in trying to pace myself I find I often procrastinate. I set myself a goal of reaching out to a friend per week, but it’s more like one every two weeks. I know some of us will pick up where we left off like we’ve never been apart. Some of my friends will have moved on and our re-connection will separate again because we’re just different now and I’m honestly not bothered by that. It’s normal. I just hesitate because I don’t know where to start even though the script should be so easy. I feel annoying and needy. “Hey, I hope you’re well! I’m sorry I haven’t been in touch. I was thinking of you today every day.” Ugh.

I’m pretty financially, mentally, and physically stable and have been for a while. I like my job and I’m paid very well! I like me! I like my hobbies and my apartment! I’ve worked very hard to get here and there’s really only a few key things I want to improve upon.

But somehow I feel like I’m rediscovering myself again. Like I was shut out of something and didn’t even realize there was a door. I’ve missed something. I’m naturally comfortable alone and tend to be willfully obtuse about things that don’t involve me only to get startled by them later.

I moved back to my hometown 2 years ago in order to introduce my partner to my family and be around for some major family events. It was supposed to be a 4 month summer visit. The family drama just never stopped and I’m just...still here. I can’t wait to leave, but I also don’t resent my hometown as much as I did when I left. It’s changing immensely, but so am I. I definitely won’t be able to afford to stay.

I had a patio garden over the summer and, while we hardly got our money’s worth out of it, it was pretty and tasty and fulfilling. A few of the plants are overwintering with us.

I still haven’t lived somewhere that allows me a pet, but I keep saving stray cats. 

I have way more fabric than I know what to do with from old clothes and dead ideas, but I finally tuned up my sewing machine and bought a set of sewing machine feet and I have lots of plans and ideas that I just need to sit down and actually execute. Especially embroidery.

I finally spent the damn $70 on an old school drawing tablet and took the time to download some free art programs. A modern tablet is still too much to budget for and a mouse and MS Paint is not enough. I do not know why it took me 10 freaking years when I’ve spent far more money on far less desirable luxuries.

I am hoping to find a decent enough mountain bike at a manageable price to do a long-distance cycling trip next year. If I don’t, I’ll divert to hiking a long-distance trail. I’ve never stopped craving spending weeks and weeks out in the woods with an overstuffed backpack since my first trek in 2016. I’m willing to go out of my way and budget hard to make it a reality on an annual basis.

I’m slowly picking away at my original story, JatGSL, a 10+ year Work In Progress, and I finally have a setting and characters that I feel good about and have a lot of fun imagining. I’m afraid to say much about it. It has dying androids and mushrooms and mythology and domesticated seals and braille and it takes place on a melted Antarctica. But my writing is a muscle long neglected and I don’t know if I’ll ever really get it back.

I sometimes think about moving some of my old fanfics over to Ao3 so they won’t be lost, but my old penname carries weight I’d rather not pick up and I don’t want to add anything else to JKR’s legacy and some of the things I wrote when I was 17-22 have aged pretty poorly. So, I hesitate and debate and do nothing.

I keep having simple, but neat ideas that nobody out in the market seems to be doing/making, but I lack the connections and knowledge to do anything with them.

My romantic partner is an amazingly perfect fit. Absolutely well-fitting, in-sync, mind-blowingly complementary in every way. I increasingly worry it might not last because my partner has 1 (ONE) key issue that I just can’t live with long term and if they can’t figure out a healthy way to cope I don’t know if I can go another 5 years dealing with it. I grew up with it. I won’t live with it.

It often feels odd to talk about myself (even here. even now) because I feel so much happier than I seem to be describing myself.

#megii's commentary #this is more a ramble than anything else

[dalgikiss]

Catch-22 // h. iwaizumi

index

part 11

Iwaizumi wonders if there really is such a thing as ‘best of both worlds’, watching the volleyball bounce off of Hanamaki’s forearms.  

If there is, he thinks it’s in another universe- one where he could hang out with his friends and his girlfriend at the same time, laughter shared between all of them like a bag of his favorite chips and late movie nights that resulted in the rewatching of Tangled or Godzilla for the hundredth time while Matsukawa fell asleep on your lap and Ryuoko wasn’t busy trying to convince Iwaizumi to ditch them all. 

In this universe, however, the ‘best of both worlds’ seems more like a dream, an unattainable goal but he’d much rather eat glass than give up trying. 

He misses the ball, snapping out of his reverie when it bounces off the tips of his shoes and decides to sit out for the rest of the practice game when it almost hits him in the face. 

Oikawa later wonders if he should bring up Past Iwaizumi’s confession-that-wasn’t-a-confession to Present Iwaizumi and after watching Iwaizumi miss the ball again for the third time in a row, he decides he will.  

x.

Matsukawa sits next to Iwaizumi after practice on the locker room bench, towel draped over his head and waits. 

Iwaizumi’s apology is swift, “Sorry about the shit performance back there, got a lot on my mind lately” 

“Wanna talk about it?” Matsukawa asks, not really expecting an answer. Iwaizumi was the type of guy to keep his problems to himself, the only visible sign of stress shown is how much more easily frustrated he got over trivial things. 

Iwaizumi glances at the blue towel wrapped around Matsukawa’s head before tilting his head back to look at the dirty ceiling. 

“If your girlfriend asked you to choose between her or someone you loved, what would you do?”

“Damn, she asked you that? I always knew Ryuko was a bitch but-”

Iwaizumi gives him a pointed look and he holds his hands up in surrender. “Sorry, not my place”

“Anyways, if I was in your place,” Matsukawa continues, “I’d probably find a way to get her to compromise, unless she’s asking me to choose because of a dumb reason”

A dumb reason? 

Was this a dumb reason? 

Matsukawa lets out a groan as he stands up, feeling his sore muscles protest and iwaizumi is vaguely reminded of his dad for some strange reason. The blue towel that was originally on Matsukawa is placed over Iwaizumi, covering his eyes. 

Before he can protest, Matsukawa’s speaking again and iwaizumi is glad his face is hidden behind the slightly damp towel. 

“Is it because of [name]?”

Matsukawa begins to walk away, the sweaty shirt beginning to stick to his chest uncomfortably. “She’s been staying away from you so Ryuoko doesn’t get mad. Do what you will with that information” 

The slam of the locker doors accompanied by the sound of Matsukawa almost catching Hanamaki’s fingers in the process is the only sound that faintly reminds Iwaizumi he has to also get dressed but it’s only when Oikawa smacks his back that he decides to move. 

The walk home is the same as ever, Oikawa goading reactions out of Hanamaki and Matsukawa and it’s almost like nobody notices the mood that Iwaizumi’s in if you didn’t catch the worried glances each one of them cast to his brooding form. 

It’s only after Hanamaki and Matsukawa have left first after their stop at the convenience store that Oikawa says something to him. 

“You know, if you keep frowning like that, you’re going to get wrinkles and them you’ll be even uglier than usual”

Iwaizumi doesn’t even have energy to retort, a deeper frown setting on his face. With a sigh, Oikawa picks up his pace and stops right in front of his sulking friend. 

“Yo, mov-”

“Talk to me”

It’s not the same Oikawa Iwaizumi’s used to seeing- the one that once flirted with the entire teaching staff and had them wrapped in his finger, the one that had more than half the school’s population and then some vying for his attention- no, this was the one that bared its fangs at his nearest opponent, the one that was sneaky, silent and waiting in the shadows. 

“I said, ‘talk to me’” 

He folds his arms across his chest, staring into Oikawa’s eyes. “There’s nothing to talk about” and it takes all of Oikawa’s strength not to take a page out of Iwaizumi’s book and smack the back of his head. 

Instead he clears his throat and moves back to the side, letting the both of them continue their walk home- at least that’s what Iwaizumi thought.

He’s jerked in the opposite direction of where they’re supposed to go, his legs struggling to keep up when Oikawa begins to run and the park where they used to spend their summer days and it’s all he can do to keep one foot in front of the other without tripping over himself.

“Sit” Oikawa commands, practically throwing him onto the sandy floor and he wants to tell Oikawa he’s crazy, our uniforms are going to get dirty But the look on Oikawa’s face makes Iwaizumi decide not to argue. 

He lies on the ground, body relaxing into the floor without another protest with Oikawa following suit. It’s slightly cold, Iwaizumi thinks to himself as he folds his arms behind his head, but it’s comforting. 

It’s getting late, the last of the sun’s rays stretching as far as they could with their best efforts to light up the sky but the two of them don't move, even when the light is long gone and the street lamps have turned on and the silence between the two of them stays.

It’s Oikawa who breaks it first and the sentence makes Iwaizumi take a sharp breath. 

“Remember when you liked [name]?”

“Shut the fuck up”

“I’m being serious” Oikawa rolls over onto his side, propping himself up on his elbow to watch Iwaizumi’s expression. “What happened?”

Iwaizumi sighs, a deep breath released from him and he let his eyes fall shut. “Nothing happened, it never did”

“Is that why you took Ryuoko’s confession?” 

“Yeah”

It hurts, he realizes, looking back. The fleeting moments he thought that something, even the smallest thing gave him hope that you perhaps liked him back- from the first time you grabbed his hand in the middle of some scary movie to how you laughed at even the smallest jokes he said. 

He stares at the sky, eyes fogging over. “I can’t keep waiting for someone that may just never like me back” 

It was easier back then, before Ryuoko was introduced into their lives, when his brain only thought of you. It was always for you, from the shirt he decided to wear in the morning to the brand of body wash he used because you had casually mentioned that Iwaizumi smelled the best out of the four smelly boys you spent all your time with. 

The day Ryuoko confessed outside by the giant Gingko tree outside of the back entrance, it had rained right after Iwaizumi accepted it, as though the skies had cried when they heard him accept it and they had raced back inside, her hand in his, laughing over their damp hair and wet clothes. 

He pretended to like her sharp nails and her too-hot palms that hold on to his and makes it feel like his hands are overheating, convincing himself he would grow comfortable, grow used to it and it still takes him a few seconds to remember not to pull away when it’s her, not you. 

He shivers slightly when the wind blows, picking up bits of sand and gravel that swirl on the ground and Iwaizumi takes it as a sign to go home. He stands up, shaking off his pants and holding his hand out to Oikawa’s who had been uncharacteristically quiet for a long time. 

“Let’s go home, it’s cold”

Oikawa grips his hand in his, letting himself be pulled off the floor to start their walk home. Before they separate, Oikawa grips Iwaizumi’s wrist in his hand, brusingly hard. 

“You should have waited a little longer”

#iwaizumi scenarios #iwaizumi fanfic #iwaizumi hajime #iwaizumi x reader #iwaizumi x you #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu x reader #iwaizumi haijime x reader #iwaizumi angst #iwaizumi hajime x reader #iwaizumi hajime x you #haikyuu x you #haikyuu x y/n #haikyuu fluff #haikyuu imagine #haikyuu fanfiction

[talesfromthefreezerinmymind]

The Adventure of the Accidental Client

On this day in 1859 (May 22) Sir Arthur Conan Doyle, the creator of Sherlock Holmes, was born.  

May is also Mental Health Awareness month. 

What do these two things have in common? For me, quite a lot. I’ll start this story in early 2012.

At that time I was a freshman at Maryville College, in my second semester of majoring in graphic design. I was completely miserable.

Why was I miserable, exactly? Well…

 I had no friends (turns out, I had never learned how to make them)

 I doubted that graphic design was the career for me (Imposter Syndrome vibes)

 I was homesick (even though I went home every single weekend)

I phoned my parents every night and told them about my day. During one such call, my dad told me about a show on Netflix that he’d started watching: Sherlock. It was made by some of the same people that made another favorite of ours, Doctor Who. I was intrigued, and had plenty of time on my hands, so I thought I’d give it a try.

If you know nothing of Sherlock Holmes (as I did when I first started watching the show), he’s a famous English detective residing in 221B Baker Street created by Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Sherlock Holmes and Doctor John Watson solves mysteries in the late 1800s and early 1900s. But for Sherlock, the adventures are set in the modern day. Over the course of a week or so, I watched the whole first season. Normally I’m slow to warm up to things, but I was instantly hooked.

I kept watching the show. I read interviews with the cast and crew. I found a fan-run website with all sorts of lovely info. I discovered Tumblr and all the fandom madness that lives there. The second season had already premiered in the UK, and I dredged up info on it (and spoiled it for myself). I started reading the original novels and short stories that the show was based on. I read everything Sherlock Holmes in about 5 months. And then started reading it over again.

Sherlock had found me at just the right moment. I was unusually lonely. I was unusually bored. I saw myself in John Watson; a directionless man in need of a purpose. A deeply loyal man, without a friend to adhere to. I saw myself in Sherlock Holmes; a man whose mind is always running, who loves feeling clever and in control. A man for whom feeling like an outsider is normal, though not always welcome. In the words of John Watson, “I naturally gravitated to London, that great cesspool into which all the loungers and idlers are irresistibility drained.” I was a lounger, an idler, and London had found me.

The Sherlock Holmes stories rekindled my love of reading, which had been dormant for a few years, and sparked a much more serious interest in writing. There was just something about how Doyle went from unknown medical man to literary giant that grabbed my attention. He started in one world and ended up in another. It got me thinking that perhaps though I began in graphic design, I could end up somewhere else: a published author myself. So I wrote more. And I read more. I changed my major in the Spring of 2013 to English with a concentration in Creative Writing (Oh, and I transferred to UT in the fall of 2012. I had to get away from Maryville. Fresh start. Sorta). In 2015, right after graduating UT, I joined an organization called the Society of Children's Books Writers and Illustrators. Long story short, in April 2016 I signed the contract for Roof Octopus, my first picture book.

Sadly, though, writing doesn’t pay much when you’re first starting out so I really did need a backup career for the moment. Fall 2015 I enrolled at Pellissippi State Community College (backtracking, I know, per the usual order of things) and began earning an associate’s in graphic design.

Though by this point I was far removed from my freshman year at Maryville, I still felt all the loneliness and failure that I had felt then (and I was still fanatical about Sherlock; third season came out in 2014). Honestly, I had been feeling watered-down versions of those emotions since my junior year of high school (that’s another story for another time). Plus, there was something else that I was carrying that was growing heavier over time: an addiction to daydreaming.

An addiction to daydreaming? Is that even possible? Well, it is possible. It even has a fancy name: Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder (MDD). It’s when a person’s habit of daydreaming is so obsessive that it interferes with everyday life. I would describe it like there’s a TV on in my head all day. It places my favorite shows, lots of reruns but new stuff, too. Your daydreams are like movies that you write and direct and star in and you can’t get enough. Part of the time they are white noise and I can ignore it. But more often than not, all I want to do is sit and watch. I have trouble focusing on what I’m reading or writing. I zone out super easily while listening to music or podcasts. I have trouble falling asleep for my mind not “turning off”. I zone out in class, at meetings, at church, and in groups of people when no one is talking directly to me. I daydream while driving and running and showering and cleaning and swimming and biking and just walking through my house. I’ve been struggling to focus while writing all this out; I’d rather daydream about writing this than actually do it. (Fun Fact: A big part of my daydreaming is I like to talk aloud while I’m doing it if I’m alone. On second thought, that’s probably more of an embarrassing fact than fun…)

People with MDD aren’t crazy; they don’t hear voices in their head or think people are around who really aren't there. They are fully aware that their daydream worlds aren’t real. But for some people MDD is so severe that they don’t leave their homes for days; they stay in and daydream their life away. Luckily, my MDD is not that severe. Often MDD is used as a coping mechanism. Even though I’ve never experience trauma like some people have, I still really crave an escape from life and all the emotions brought on by it.

I had never heard of Maladaptive Daydreaming Disorder until one day in the summer of 2016; I googled for ways to quit daydreaming and stuff about MDD was in the results. Up to this point I’d slowly been growing tired of my daydreaming. I’d always had an active imagination. Played pretend a lot as a kid, had imaginary friends. But in college it started to get out of hand. Particularly falling asleep was a struggle, or if I woke up super early, falling back asleep. It took me ages sometimes to write a paper or read through something. However, I had so much time on my hands that it didn’t really matter how much I procrastinated. (While at UT and Pellissippi, I still didn’t try to make friends.) I didn’t talk too much to anyone about how much I hated college. About how alone I was. I’m a Christian, but I didn’t pray about any of it. I didn’t talk about all the ways that I felt like a failure. I bottled it all up inside, because that’s what Sherlock did. Sherlock was a loner, who was never a failure. Emotions were for other people. He was too smart for them. Sherlock never seemed to let loneliness get to him, and I wasn’t going to let it either.

Anyway, the more I learned about MDD the more I was convinced that I had it. The most important thing that I learned about MDD was that people who struggled with it could get help. Therapy and medication (like antidepressants) had helped other people get control of their life once again. In the back of my mind, I began to wonder: I had been using MDD to help cope with life, but now did I need help coping with MDD? Nevertheless, true to my never-bare-my-soul nature, I shared these discoveries and questions with absolutely no one.

I kept on keeping on. Finished a year at Pellissippi (still worried about whether or not I could make it as a graphic designer). Signed that book contract. Stayed close (as close as you can be without spilling your guts) to my friends at home, who I usually had to make an effort to see (something I really missed from the good old days pre-college). Tried (and failed) not to freak out as some of those friends got married and/or moved off. Who needs friends anyway, right? They’ll just ditch you eventually; no one’s as loyal as John Watson. I daydreamed too much. I wrote and wrote. I worked at Cove Lake State Park in the summer. I started a second year at Pellissippi.

Then one night in December 2016, I stayed the night at my Nannie’s. After I went to bed, I, per usual, had a horrible time falling sleep. I laid awake for hours, but eventually drifted off.

The next day when I came home, my mom asked me if I had slept well.

That was all the provoking that I needed. I broke down and cried. I told her that I could hardly ever sleep because my mind would not turn off. My daydreaming had become too much. Once it had been my rescue, my escape from everyday life, but now I felt like I was going mad.

My parents talked it over together and decided that I should see someone professional. My mom made me an appointment at a counseling office. On December 20, 2016, I had my first meeting with my therapist.

It was rather surreal. In the first season of Sherlock, John sees a therapist because he’s trying to deal with returning home from war. In January 2017, just mere weeks after my first appointment, the fourth season of Sherlock aired. In in the first episode, Sherlock (spoiler) himself pays a visit to John’s therapist. Sherlock actually needs help and he’s actually asking for. And I had just done the same thing. Life is funny like that sometimes.

Over the last 3+ years my therapist has helped me understand a lot about myself. Anxiety has been present in my life for several years now. Talking to people I don’t know, and even people that I do know, often gives me some level of anxiety. I’m always worrying if I sound weird or dumb or boring. I never know what to talk about. Therapy has helped me build up my confidence so it’s much easier for me to talk to others now. Am I still an introvert? Oh, yes. Can I carry on a conversation with someone I just meet? Yeah. Do I always want to? No, not really. But I’m much more willing to try it now.    

I’ve always hated change, good or bad. Watching friends grow up and reach life milestones (marriage, kids, dream job) all while I changed majors, changed jobs, and had little luck in the dating realm was (and still is) rough. Therapy has helped me be a little more okay with changes in my life. I’m not so scared of the future as I once was.  

I prefer to keep to myself. I’m a perfectionist and a control freak. I hate asking for help. I always feel like an oddball, even among my close friends. I love feeling clever. I hate feeling like a failure. I hate change.

I am Sherlock Holmes.

Therapy keeps me in check. Keeps from going over the edge. Helps me understand myself, the world around me, and those in it. It helps me become a better version of myself.

Therapy is my John Watson.  

I don’t know what would have happened to me had I not discovered Sherlock when I did. I do believe that God knows exactly what types of things would catch my attention (i.e. mysteries and best friend adventures) and perhaps that’s why and how things turned out the way they did. He is the Great Author, after all. I am thankful that He loved me even through the times that I was not a fan of myself, running and hiding from everyone, including Him.

I’ve told this story today because (1) I love telling stories. It’s why I write. It’s why I read. Heck, it’s why I’m addicted to daydreaming. Yep, I still daydream quite a lot, but I feel in control of it now. I’ve been taking an antidepressant for about two years now and that has helped with the daydreaming and my overall mood, too. I’ve also told this story today because (2) stories can save us. Sherlock Holmes saved me. I was a lounger, an idler, who wandered into 221B Baker Street in need of a mystery solved. What was happening to Lucy Branam? Can she be saved? Sherlock was just the detective for the job.

Happy 161st birthday, Sir Arthur Conan Doyle. Thank you for writing.

#sherlock #bbc sherlock #mental health #therapy #maladaptive daydreaming #mdd #anxienty

[newamericanaroleplay]

“THERE ARE NO ENDS, JUST GREYS AND HALF LIVES.”

N A M E  → Shepley Dumont

S T A T U S  → ★★★

A G E  → 31

PRONOUNS  → he / him

N E I G H B O R H O O D  → Hell’s Kitchen

O C C U P A T I O N  → Tattoo Artist

TRIGGERS: car accident, alcoholism, drug abuse

P A S T  →

There was nothing in Shepley’s past to indicate that he was going to turn out the way that he did. Picturesque, he was the middle child of three. The Dumont’s had a big nice, home. They had home cooked meals, church, they had love and support. They were doctors, lawyers, smart and sophisticated. And Shepley was the kid who liked to skateboard, he liked to hang out in his garage and play guitar. He succeeded in art classes, and almost failed everything else. His parents attempted to keep him on the straight and narrow, he was lumped into tutors, which he ditched for the skatepark and a can of spray paint. The whisk and danger of making street art was something that called to him. The rigid lines of society that he felt very much forced into.

Close to one friend growing up was isolating, but when you’re the kid who always had drugs and always had beer, the betters knew to stay away from you. Shepley was a walking problem, but he was a nice guy. His best friend was young woman a few grades younger than him. They were two peas in a pod. He genuinely liked her but was confused by whatever he was feeling. There was pressure from all sources that he should date her, but he never did. He couldn’t even think of her like that, and he was always dating someone else. They got along too well, he didn’t want to risk anything with the only friend he had. When the summer rolled around after graduating, she asked him to leave town with her. Suddenly confronted with his feelings, and the realization that he was in love with her, and that it was now or never, he lashed out.

The fight was enough to shred him to pieces, but it was nothing that a little liquor couldn’t solve. A little turned into a lot as the band aid needed to get bigger. Her words burned in his brain, hour fresh, and everything came crashing down. Including his truck into another car. In a lot of ways, he was lucky. No one was hurt. In a lot of ways, he wasn’t. His license was taken. He had thousands of dollars of debt, and he was now out on the street with only his possessions to his name. His parents, it turned out, they weren’t so supportive of alcoholics and criminals.

The DWI charge that he incurred changed his life. Suddenly the support from his family, who had been wary about his inclination to art were proven right. Barely eighteen, his father ripped the carpet from under his feet and kicked him out of the house. With nothing to his name, he moved to Los Angeles. He was living in a studio apartment in the bad part of town with some art and a suspended driver’s license. And new found freedom. He quickly donned his street artist name, working under relative anonymity with a small group of international artists.

It was there that he met a girl named Jacqueline. Beautiful, like fire, they proceeded to destroy each other. Jacqueline had addiction issues, and Shepley who was all but in denial of his alcoholism, the shift to harder drugs was not difficult. Pretty soon, the world around Shepley was cheap sex and expensive drugs. He lived in a stupor of sleeping around, climbing buildings half out of his skull, and the prick of needles to calm him down. A constant shift of indulgences that almost cost him his life on more than a few occasions. His relationship with Jacqueline deteriorated everything. The friends he made left them, she poisoned him further. The new life he lead was suddenly a constant cycle of cop cars and jail bookings.

They called him lucky, again. He was 22 when he was booked for 5 years on various charges, the top one being drugs and assault. It might have saved his life. It did save his life. He was able to go to rehab, and in the pen he learned to tattoo. It was second nature to him. What started as stick and poke became a full trade. When three years rolled around, he was an experienced artist, and he was released on good behavior. He never wanted to go back, he immediately moved away from Los Angeles and instead went to Miami, where he worked in a tattoo shop and built his skills.

P R E S E N T  →

Since leaving prison, he honed his skills. Over the next year, he built an impressive following of 300 thousand followers, his booking stretching out years in advance. The move away from Los Angeles and into Miami was a good one, and  was comfortable there for a while. As his following grew, he moved away from a place that was known for shitty party tattoos and to New York City, where he set up a shop that made him feel alive.

He’s in various forms of therapy and was all NA still, the routine and being able to talk to someone makes him feel grounded. While tattooing is his main hustle, he also works on various form of alternative art, including watercolor, spray paint, and so on. He’s settled into Hell’s Kitchen with relative ease, but the party lifestyle that America hold near and dear is something that he still struggles with.

P E R S O N A L I T Y  →

+ happy-go-lucky, artistic, kind, laid back

-  anxious, reckless, flighty, aggressive

SHEPLEY DUMONT ( Casey Deidrick ) is written by W ( she / her → EST )

#oc rpg #lsrpg #city rp #original rpg #casey deidrick #shepley #tattoo artist #bio

[hope-for-olicity]

Fictober18 #28 - “I felt it. You know what I mean.”

This is today’s entry for fictober. I’m going to try to post a short story every day during October based on a quote provided by the organizer of Fictober18. All stories will be from Arrow based on the Olicity Fandom.  

Today’s quote is “I felt it. You know what I mean.” This is a continuation of the story I’ve been doing since #22 (all past stories can be found under MyFanfic on my blog or on AO3). The hockey game ends and date night begins! Thanks to @mel-loves-all for the pic of Felicity above, although I fiddled with it a little. Also available on AO3.

When the final buzzer sounded at the end of the third period Oliver had butterflies in his stomach. Date time. He spent the entirety of the game reminding himself to focus on the game. But he couldn’t help it, he knew Felicity was watching. He just wanted to impress her. There was just something about her. He couldn’t explain it but he needed her in his life.

Oliver was never really been a one woman type of guy. The few women who tried just made him feel trapped. He was ashamed to say he did not treat those women well. After his first year of university, he had been involved in a tragic boating accident where he was shipwrecked. He lost his father and spent forty-eight hours alone before he was rescued. It changed his life perspective. From that point forward he was grateful for every day. He vowed to be kind and help whenever he could. He also stopped his womanizing ways. He focused on his career. His career was still important but Felicity changed things.

Oliver looked over at Felicity who was standing, cheering the win. She was it. He knew the moment he saw her. He always thought people who said that were lying. Nope. He skated over to Felicity and Caitlin, mouthed “text” until Felicity nodded then headed to the locker room to get ready.

*****

With all Caitlin’s excitement and the game, Felicity had forgotten to check her phone. She hoped it wasn’t important. She was both relieved and anxious when she saw she missed texts from Oliver.

Oliver: You look lovely

Oliver: I KNOW you had something to do with why Barry is all smiles

Oliver: Tell me at dinner PLEASE

Felicity laughed. She felt bad that she’d missed these texts with their prime flirting opportunity. Everything about Oliver made her smile. While this made her happy, it also scared her lots. Her phone buzzed in her hand with a new text.

Oliver: I’ll come get you at your seat asap

Felicity: Can’t wait

Felicity: Going to run to the ladies but will be back before you get here

Felicity: Caitlin is going with, tell Barry

Felicity: We are not ditching

Oliver: Got it

Felicity and Caitlin headed to the same big washroom they ditched their jerseys in Felicity’s oversized bag. They quickly fixed their makeup and fluffed their hair before returning to their seats.

*****

Barry came out first. When he saw Caitlin his draw dropped. Wow. Like, wow. Had she always been this hot? He stood staring. He felt a hand on his shoulder, looked up surprised to see Oliver.

“I think you have to go get her, Barry. She may have seen you staring.” Oliver chuckled, headed toward Felicity and Caitlin. “Hello ladies, you both look lovely. Caitlin, Barry is right behind me.” He turned to Felicity. “Ready?”

“Starving!” Felicity put her hand over her mouth. “I didn’t mean to say that!”

Oliver laughed. “It’s okay, I’m starving too. Let’s go.”

Felicity looked back at Caitlin and Barry, “bye guys.”

Oliver smiled. “Did he talk to her yet?”

*****

Oliver took Felicity to a lovely Italian restaurant down near the water. It truly was lovely. They were seated as soon as they arrived where they were given wine and bread.

“This place wins.” Felicity took a piece of bread out the basket, began buttering.

“Already?” Oliver smiled.

“Well, they sat me down, supplied with wine and bread. What more could a girl ask for?” Felicity took a bite of the bread, moaned. “So good.”

Oliver loved how she loved everything. The smallest things seemed to bring Felicity great joy. She really helped change your perspective. When Oliver was with Felicity, he just appreciated it all.“You don’t need me for this at all. Do you?”

“Oops, sorry. It wasn’t my intent to make you feel unwanted. I love being here with you. I’m just so comfortable when I’m with you, I blurt things out without thinking them through.” Felicity felt bad.

Oliver could see the worry in her eyes, he took her non-bread holding hand, held it, “I want you to say what you feel. I certainly don’t feel unwanted. In fact, you make feel special and happy. You even make me want to eat the bread.”

“Oh do! Eat the bread, Oliver it’s great!” Felicity pushed the basket closer to him.

“So, tell me about your mission to hook up Barry and Caitlin.” Oliver smiled.

Felicity was about to defend herself, it wasn’t a mission, exactly. When the server arrived. They placed their orders. Felicity hoped Oliver would forget his question but he looked at her intently when the server left. “I wouldn’t call it a mission.”

Oliver laughed. “Okay, not a mission but you did good. I’ve been trying to get Barry to make a move since the night we met but he said he couldn’t something about girl code. Then he saw her tonight. He was beyond wowed.”

“Oh, I hope it goes well. Caitlin is my best friend, truly a wonderful person. But like many, she’s had her heart broken. It took some convincing to get her to put herself out there. She really thought Barry would never see her like that.” Felicity took a sip of wine.

“Oh, he saw her like that.” Oliver chuckled remembering Barry’s reaction to Caitlin earlier. “You need to know he’s a good guy. Whether things work out or not he will treat her with respect.”

Felicity sighed. “Thank goodness. That’s what I thought but I’ve been wrong about people in the past.”

The server brought their food. Felicity smiled, breathing in the aromas. “Oliver Queen you do keep me well fed.”

“Tell me a little about yourself. You’ve mentioned you are from Las Vegas, what brought you to Starling City?” Oliver rolled spaghetti around his fork.

It seemed like such an innocent question but really it wasn’t. She would have to tell him now or it would just get worse. “I came to Starling City to work and for an experimental surgery. I am the first recipient of the spinal chip.”

Oliver put his utensils down, looked at her with concern. “Oh Felicity, I had no idea. You don’t need to share why you needed the chip but I am so so beyond grateful you were able to do this. You helped develop the chip didn’t you?”

Felicity’s eyes welled with tears. Of course, he responded perfectly. This was their first date and she was officially all the way down the rabbit hole. She wiped a tear away. “Sorry, I have no idea why I was nervous to tell you that. I tell people all the time. It’s not like I’m ashamed that I was in a wheelchair and then helped to create the technology to change that. It was a car accident for me. Right after I graduated from MIT. I worked with my colleague Curtis Holt who was here while I was in Las Vegas with my Mom recovering to create the chip. I’m still amazed that it works.”

“Felicity you are remarkable.” Oliver let out a breath, reached over to take Felicity’s hands in his own. ”Truly remarkable. I have no problem believing this is the case in or out of a wheelchair. I’m sorry you were hesitant to tell me but it is a big truth so I understand. Thank you for telling me.”

Felicity pulled her hands back, gestured to her food. “Need to eat.” She smiled.

“Of course,” Oliver picked up his utensils. “I’m happy to drop the topic if you like but I was just going to say being an accident is a life-changing experience.”

Felicity nodded at him to continue.

“I was shipwrecked during the summer after my first year of college. I lost my father.” Oliver spoke quietly.

Felicity reached across the table, took Oliver’s hand giving it a squeeze for support.“Oh, Olive,r I had no idea. I’m so incredibly sorry.”

“Thank you,” Oliver said sincerely. “It was a long time ago but it changed me. I changed the way I lived my life. It made me grateful for every day. I was a different man before the accident and since I met you I feel like I’m becoming a different man again. I want to be the kind of man you deserve.”

He thought he needed to change for her, no! “Oh Oliver, you are already that man. You don’t need to change a thing. I like you just as you are.”

“You like me.” Oliver blushed.

“I do. I hope we get to have another date.” Felicity looked away shyly.

“Felicity, I want us to have all the dates. I like you a lot. When I met you, I felt it. You know what I mean.” Oliver was really putting himself out there but he felt like he could trust her.

“I do.” Felicity nodded. “I felt it too. So, glad I’m not in this alone.”

“You have me, you will always have me. Well, as long as you want me.” Oliver smiled.

“Right now, it feels like that might be forever,” Felicity whispered.

Oliver leaned over, caressed Felicity’s cheek. “Forever works for me.”

To be continued tomorrow :)

Hope you enjoyed. I’m going to tag a few people. Let me know if you want to be tagged or untagged!

@mindramblingsfics @memcjo @mel-loves-all @wherethereissmoak @green-arrows-of-karamel @spaztronautwriter @wrldtravler @tdgal1 @vaelisamaza @oliverfel4 @lucyyh @swordandarrow @smoaking-greenarrow @it-was-a-red-heeler @miriam1779 @coal000 @blondeeoneexox  @laurabelle2930 @loutendiena @oliverandhisqueen @crys4728  @certainmentalityface

#fictober18 #olicity fanfiction #oliver x felicity #barry x caitlin #MyFanfic

[ontheedgeofrecovery]

What was different?

Hang tight, this is going to be a long one. I hope it is worth your time to read. Also, I put a hell of a lot of time into writing this, so I really hope it is helpful for someone (anyone!) out there.  

So, I was messaging with a friend the other night (and by the other night I mean a few weeks ago because this took me forever to write) who I met a long time ago in treatment (you know who you are and I miss you and love you!). As we were talking about how hard it is to be in treatment, I started thinking about my own last experience in treatment. What made it stick? Why was it that time that I was able to stop the cycle of going in and out of the hospital? I have struggled with anorexia and restrictive eating since about the age of 7. It didn't turn into a full-blown eating disorder until I was 13, but the seeds were there around 7ish when I started to become very rigid about what and when I would eat. Anyway, it's been a long struggle. And then from 13 to 31 I cycled in and out of treatment. I literally have lost count of how many times I have been admitted - I don't say this to brag (I have noticed this is a thing in treatment), but rather to emphasize that clearly something was not clicking for a long time. In the summer of 2014 my treatment recommended palliative care and to stop trying to get better in the hospital. Basically, let nature take its course. 

I pretty much accepted that the only thing left to do was die, but then decided to give it one last go and embarked upon one of my longest stays in treatment ever (October 20, 2014 to August 22, 2015). Although to be fair, I "left" many times. Usually for a day or two and then I would come back and resume my stay. I am so lucky I found a place and a treatment team that was willing to put up with my flight impulses and always accepted me back. I went from inpatient to PHP to residential to PHP to inpatient to PHP, and then finally IOP. I really hung in there and allowed myself to get to about 90% of my ideal before I discharged. Which I don't think I had done since being 15 and being at Remuda. While I clearly think this is one of the bigger players in how I got myself stable, there are others. 

What was different? How did I allow myself to stay that long in treatment and sit through the discomfort of gaining almost double my body weight?

Well, there is no one simple answer, but I have been mulling it over in my head the past few days and I thought I would jot down my thoughts 1) because I feel stuck where I am at in recovery and maybe this will be motivation and 2) I don't have many readers, but for those of you who are out there maybe this will be helpful? So here they are in somewhat of a particular order (though these have changed over time in how they contribute and maintain my "recovery" (I hate using that word, because I still struggle a lot with food, but I am so much better than where I was and maybe this is what recovery looks like for me?).

Anyway.

1) Cannabis -  This is kind of what kick-started the whole journey. I was 31 and had NEVER been high. Not edibles (well, obviously), not smoking. Nothing. I was absolutely terrified of getting high. I had heard so many stories of people getting paranoid and having panic attacks. I am already so anxious that the thought of something making me more anxious was an absolute no go. In addition to that, I am a rule follower and smoking weed was definitely against the rules. 

My brother came to visit in March of 2014. I was not in a great space. This gets confusing because my brother and my ex are both named Nick, but we called my brother Nicky growing up so that is what I will call him here in order to differentiate. Nick had been trying to convince me to try smoking for years, pretty much since we started dating in 2008. I was steadfast in saying it was a no-go. However, Nicky made a compelling argument that I had tried everything else and was dying anyway so why not try it as a last-ditch effort to save myself. Or at the very least make the time I had left enjoyable.  

I did and it opened my world in so many ways. It made me feel more connected to a greater whole. It made me realize that I am not alone in this world and I felt less isolated. Coming to terms with this made me realize how insignificant I really am in the overall scheme of things. This really helped me put into perspective the amount of time and energy I was putting into something that was not contributing at all to the betterment of society, my relationships, and I was not okay with this. 

It also reduced my rigidity. Things just seemed clearer when I smoked. It was kind of like a veil lifted. I had more room for flexibility. Smoking also fills me with a feeling of hope (similar to my feelings of connectedness). Things just don't seem so dire and pointless when I am high. It seems like things could be different, that I can choose a different reality. 

And finally (I don't know why this is, but I would LOVE to do research on this someday), I saw myself somewhat accurately when I smoked. For some reason when I am high I am able to see myself more realistically. My distortion doesn't completely go away, but how I see myself is definitely closer to what is real. I would look down and see my body and be like, "oh shit, this is really bad”. This even happened to me tonight when I smoked. All day long I was feeling really uncomfortable in my body and seeing myself way bigger than I actually am. I hate to say "fat," because I don't see myself as fat, I just see myself as a little above average - which everyone tells me is not true. Tonight though, I looked down and was like, yeah, I am at a normal weight, but I am on the low side of normal and I could see it for a little while after I smoked. 

I don't know if that makes sense, but basically starting to use cannabis made me see things from an entirely different perspective. Throughout the summer of 2014 I gradually began to believe that things could be different. That maybe the amazing clarity I had when I smoked was how things were supposed to be. Maybe if I could get to a better place I would feel the happiness and hope I felt when I was high. Maybe if I gained weight things would get better. And for the first time in a long time, I believed it. 

2) My (now ex) husband drew a hard line in the sand - This was a huge influence as well. I started my treatment journey at Princeton (which I chose because I had never been there before - I also knew they had private rooms and that was a huge draw. Also, to be totally honest, I had been essentially banned from a number of other treatment centers for being a repeat customer and always leaving before I was ready). However, I signed myself out after a month.I had a million reasons - I was the oldest one there, they were making me gain weight too fast, I knew everything they were teaching me, it was depressing, I was sick of being on bedrest, it wasn’t fair, the staff sucked... on and on. 

Nick was PISSED. He had finally reached a point where he couldn't do it anymore. He told me I was not allowed to come home. He said if I came home he would either move out or that he would file for divorce. 

I was devastated. Nick had never done this before, he was never thrilled when I left treatment, but he also was a little happy to have me home and doing marginally better. I didn't know what to do or where to go, so I knew there was no escape, I had to go back to treatment. I chose a place near my family so I would a) have the support and b) if I stepped down I would have a place to stay. Nick made it clear I was not allowed home until I had put on a significant amount of weight and my treatment was onboard with a discharge from care. 

I knew if I was going to save my marriage and get home, I had to at least stay long enough to be appropriately discharged. There was no escaping it. Also, this didn't happen until a little while after, but when Nick did ask for a divorce, it hit me that I had become my dad. My father has a lot of mental health issues and my mom stuck by him through the years. But at some point, he stopped being an active participant in his own care and health. My mom couldn't do it anymore and she left him. The quote, “watching someone drown in a puddle and all they need to do is stand up” comes to mind. She just couldn’t watch him refuse to stand up anymore. 

It completely devastated him. I have always been afraid of becoming chronically mentally ill like my father and losing everyone in my life. By continuing to go in and out of treatment and cycle in and out of doing well enough to maintain relationships I was going to follow in the exact footsteps as my father. I see how miserable his life is and I continue to use that image to push to not listen to everything the eating disorder tells me. 

3) I wanted my dogs back/needed to get out of where I was living - In May of 2015 (when I was in PHP and living at my mom's boyfriend's - his name is Don - house) Nick asked for a divorce. I was doing pretty well in treatment, still struggling and being non-compliant at times, but continuing to attend every day and slowly weight restore. I still don't know entirely when the scales (no pun intended) tipped, but they did. I don't know if Nick realized how much more peaceful his life was without the eating disorder or if he just didn't believe things would change. Regardless, he said he was going to file for divorce. 

I went from "staying at Don's house" to living at Don's house in one phone call. To say I was devastated is an understatement. In fact, I am still devastated. I saw my parent's marriage end because my dad couldn't get sober and now I had done the same thing in my own marriage. I lost the person I was closest with because of the eating disorder. I guess, in a way, this was part of what kept me at treatment as well - the hope that I would get well and Nick would take me back. I still hope this will happen, but I know it won't. Anyhow, I digress.

Living at Don's house sucked. I was living with my mom again at age 32. I felt like such a failure. It wasn't even my mom's house I was staying at, it was her boyfriend's. It was not comfortable living there, it was awkward. It was awkward sharing a space with Don and his son who has a lot of anger issues. My bedroom was uncomfortable. I slept on a twin bed for the first time since I was a teenager and it was lopsided. It was out in rural NH and I hated that all my friends and anything to do was a quite a drive away. Everyone in the house smoked cigarettes and I hate the smell. But what I hated most was I was not allowed to have my dogs. 

My dogs are the most important thing in the world to me. I love those little beasts so fucking much it hurts at times. And I hadn't seen them in 7 months. I absolutely needed to get myself out of that house and get my dogs back. However, I could not do this without a job. And I could not get a job while I was still struggling so much with eating and reliant upon the structured schedule PHP was providing for me. I made it my mission to get to a point where I could hold a job and get my own apartment. If I was going to stay well long term and not have to be re-hospitalized, I knew I had to give myself more cushion room in terms of weight gain than I ever have before. 

4) Yoga - Yoga has become really trendy lately and with good reason. There are so many benefits to yoga that go far beyond the physical. For me, the primary thing I learned in yoga is that if you stay persistent, the uncomfortable gets more comfortable. And things that seem impossible become possible. 

I have a very special relationship with avoidance and perfectionistic behaviors. I tend to avoid things I am not good at or not even try at all. I hate being uncomfortable. Like, no one likes being uncomfortable, but I have a particularly difficult time with it. Not being good at something and building the skills you need to get better is often very uncomfortable. I pretty much have always shied away from things that challenge me to the point of being uncomfortable. This is for a couple of reasons 1) I hate not being good at things 2) It doesn't seem worth my time if I suck 3) Getting better at things requires being uncomfortable at some point and I don't like it. 

I often do not stick with things that I am not good at or require discomfort on my part. I will try to pick up a hobby and not be good at it and quit. Or I will try to get myself in better shape by trying to lift weights or run and it makes me feel discomfort, so I quit. Although I go to the gym every day, I will not do anything beyond walking because pushing myself physically is uncomfortable (though I will walk 7 miles in a go, I hate breaking a sweat). I don't like to eat because I have a nauseous stomach and that is uncomfortable. I don't like to try new things because the unknown is scary, so I avoid it. Basically, what I am saying is I never stick with anything long enough to see the discomfort dissipate and the rewards of tolerating the discomfort come through. i.e. weight restoration, facing fear foods, sitting with the feeling of food in my stomach, making choices about what to eat, physical activity, anything I am not immediately good at. 

Yoga at first seemed like a thing to get into because I wasn't allowed to really exercise and at least it was some physical movement. I was so desperate to be able to move more that I didn't care that I wasn't very good at it. Also, I went to a gentle yoga studio and everyone there was so accepting and welcoming to people who were just getting into yoga. I kept going to yoga and I actually started to get better at it. I didn't feel any pressure to be getting better, but I began to see it happen anyway.

I started taking harder classes. I started to learn to breathe through the uncomfortable poses. That they would end and that next time I did them they would be easier. A friend of mine sent me a yoga sequence and it was hard. Like, an hour long with a million chaturangas (when you lower yourself like a pushup, into up dog and go back into downward dog). The first couple times I did it I couldn't do all the chaturangas, so I skipped a lot of them. But as I did it everyday, I was able to do more and more. Eventually, I could do the whole sequence and even the jump back from crow into chaturanga! 

Committing to doing yoga every day was the first time I really stuck with something through the uncomfortable learning period and allowed myself to see the benefits of my practice. It started t make sense to me that other areas of my life could be similar to yoga - that if I didn't focus so much on the discomfort in the moment and rather on the fact that it would pass and I would be better for tolerating it that I would gain skills. I finally got that part of growing and evolving involves a certain amount of discomfort and acceptance that you won't see results right away. Yoga has taught me so much. To accept my limitations and also to push them, to breathe through discomfort, to not be so hard on myself, and that I am capable of growth and change. 

Here is a great little blurb on Reddit about discomfort and yoga: https://www.reddit.com/r/yoga/comments/5hc0b2/yoga_has_taught_me_to_welcome_discomfort_into_my/ 5) I agreed to medications - I have always had a not so great relationship with medications. I have a ton of side effects and I just really don't like taking them. Over the years I have gone on and off medications so many times. I will take them for a while, go off them, fall apart, go back on them, not really get better, have side effects, go off them - you get the idea. Even when I found something that helped I would frequently go off it after a time because I really didn't want to be on meds. 

I finally got desperate enough that I thought, hey, it improves my quality of life, fuck it. Even if the medications shorten my lifespan (worst-case scenario) then at least I had some years with decreased mental health issues. I started to really talk to a psychiatrist about finding something that worked. It was trial and error and took a little bit of time to find the right meds that a) helped and b) didn't cause horrible side effects. The two medications I am on certainly do not get rid of the obsessive thoughts or the anxiety, but they certainly make it way more manageable. 

I don't feel as much like a prisoner of my brain or that my brain is a prison - either or. And I have remained compliant instead of being like, "oh things are better, I don't need these!" Because I do need them. I have a brain-based illness and I wouldn't turn down medications if I had any other disease of the body, so really this is no different. 

6) I went slowly but surely - I stayed in treatment for a loooonnngggg time and took weight restoration pretty slowly. It sucked and I so wanted to get back to life, but every time I have done weight restoration the quick and dirty way in the past, it didn't stick. I would either leave treatment early because it was happening too fast and I was too uncomfortable. Or I would leave treatment and be unable to adjust to my new body and rapidly relapse. I knew I had to do things differently. I was very lucky I had good insurance and a treatment that was willing to work with me. Also, not lucky, but I have comorbid mental health issues (anxiety and OCD) that helped keep insurance covering me. 

7) I gave up trying to eat intuitively - This is a big one too. I always thought that recovery looked like eating normally. For me, it doesn't look like what most people would classify as normal. It is very regimented and I eat a lot of very safe foods. And I used to think that meant I wasn't in recovery and why keep trying. I might as well go back to listening to what my brain tells me and not eat. I mean, if I couldn't eat normally, why even bother?

I decided to try something different than what is encouraged in treatment. I began to eat the same thing every day. The same exact thing at the same exact times. No matter how I felt. This helped me for many reasons 1) I got used to the foods I was eating and desensitized myself a little 2) It took the overwhelming choice of what to eat out of the equation. Deciding what to eat is really stressful for me and so I often avoid it. Eating the same thing every day meant I didn't have to make decisions 3) I could stop counting calories. If I eat the same exact thing every day there is no reason to count calories. I did at first but eventually seeing the same number every day seemed like a waste of time and unnecessary. 4) I am super routine, so once I get in the groove of something, I stick with it. Now even when I feel nauseous or I had a rough day and don't feel like eating or I am having an uncomfortable body image day I still eat at my scheduled times, because, well, routine. It is more uncomfortable for me to break my routine at this point than it is just to eat what I have eaten every day for 3 years. 

I am not saying this is a great long term solution, but for people with chronic and severe anorexia, it is better than anything else I have found in managing a healthy weight. Like I said, maybe this is what recovery looks like for me right now. I hope it gets better in the future, but I am just happy to be participating in life.

8) I eliminated almost everyone I was in treatment with from my social media - Well, not everyone, but other people who were cycling in and out of treatment like I was. It just wasn’t healthy for me to see their posts. People would post how they were going back into treatment or pictures of them that were incredibly triggering. So, I didn’t want to see that anymore. It made me feel like there was no hope when I would see someone doing well no longer doing well. Or to see the constant treatment posts. Some people glorified being sick or seemed to take pride in how sick they would get or how much weight they had lost. It was just a world I needed to step back from. For me, I experienced a lot of competitive and self-destructive feelings when I would see people thinner/sicker than me. I would feel either a) I wasn’t really sick enough to need help and b) jealous they were thinner than me (I hate this part of the eating disorder and I am kind of ashamed to admit this here). 

I also needed to build a community that wasn’t treatment based so I wouldn’t miss it. I grew strong relationships in treatment that I had a hard time finding in the real world. Treatment and the community within it didn’t consciously keep me ill, but when I wasn’t there and I would see group pictures. It made me feel as though I needed to go back to the safety and community of treatment. Again, I just needed to focus on something other than anorexia to escape the cyclical pattern I was in. 

I certainly kept in touch with some people who continue to struggle, but these are the people I regularly talk to and have authentic, real friendships with - not people I just followed because we spent time in treatment together. It was sad to unfriend these people, but I just needed to build a life outside of treatment and to focus on my friendships that had nothing to do with eating disorders. It helped me regain an identity outside of anorexia. I needed to be exposed to normalcy around eating after being surrounded by people who struggled with food/weight/body image. I needed to start to have conversations outside of my obsession and dysfunctional relationship with food. 

Anyway, that was long, but I hope there were some nuggets in there that helps someone. Thanks for sticking with me through to the end if you read this! 

#treatment #anorexia #recovery #cannabis #ocd #anxiety #yoga #divorce #weight restoration #refeeding #distortion #discomfort #cognitive distortions #distress tolerance #eating disorders

[fifth--business-blog]

8 Budget Plan Friendly Trip Ideas for 2018

Updated: 11/8/2018 | November 8th, 2018

While many of us dream of traveling the world (or at least taking a few months off from work in pursuit of adventure), it’s not always feasible, even for those with the best of intentions. A lot of things can get in the way.

I frequently talk about long-term travel and round-the-world trips, but I know that realistically, not everyone can or wants to enjoy this style of travel. I don’t think traveling the world is hard, but I also know that what I do isn’t for everyone.

Some people just want to go on a cheap vacation for a few weeks. Not everyone has the time or luxury to take an extended trip.

So what do you do when you only have a short amount of time and a short amount of money?

What are some budget vacation ideas that aren’t about traveling the world?

Even if I won’t find you backpacking Cambodia for three months or walking the Camino de Santiago, there are many ways to get on the road and see the world without breaking the bank! Here are eight cheap travel ideas if you are cash-strapped and/or time-poor:

Cheap Vacation Idea 1: Be a Local Tourist

How often do you visit the tourist sites in your own city? Hardly ever, right? I know New Yorkers who have never seen the Statue of Liberty and Bostonians who have never walked the Freedom Trail. I once took a Dutch friend on a tour of Amsterdam because, despite growing up there, she had never seen the local attractions that lure millions of visitors to the city every year.

We’re all guilty of this. It took me five years to see the Jim Thompson House in Bangkok (even after living there), and I’ve still never been to Bunker Hill in Boston despite spending the first 24 years of my life there.

We always put it off until tomorrow, because when we live in a city, we think there is always a tomorrow.

We get so caught up in our daily lives we forget that we can have a cheap vacation in our own city. We don’t have to go anywhere!

If you’re short on time and money, there’s no better way to spend some free time than to wander your own city. No matter what its size, it has a number of wonders that you’ve never seen or even known about because you just don’t like! We’re busy leading our lives and following our routines. It’s normal but let’s look at your home with new eyes.

Be a traveler in your own town!

Important tips: When you become a local tourist, check out of your house and into a hotel, hostel, or guesthouse. It’s important to get out of your familiar environment because if you stay home, you’ll find something to do around the house and create excuses for why you can’t sightsee. Moving to a different location can help give you that feeling of adventure, excitement, and unfamiliarity.

Moreover, be sure to go to your local tourism office and get a city tourism pass. These cards allow you to see a wide range of local attractions for free or reduced prices and can be your way to see your local sites on a budget. They aren’t just for outsiders!

Cheap Vacation Idea 2: Travel Regionally

Travel brings to mind faraway and exotic destinations. It invokes images of all the places we’ve dreamed of and seen in movies. Because of that, few people look in their own backyard for adventure — as my Aussie friends always tell me before they jet off somewhere, “Mate, you’ve probably seen more of Oz than I have!” — but it offers just as many places to travel.

I could say the same thing as my Aussie friends. I grew up in Boston, and from there, I could visit New Hampshire, the woods of Maine, the bed-and-breakfasts of the Berkshires, or the farms of Vermont. New York was a four-hour car ride from home. How often did I do that? Not often enough!

Exploring your own region is an underrated and often overlooked aspect of travel. It gets the occasional lip service in magazines, but driving across the United States made me realize how much our own countries have to offer us and how often we overlook that for some foreign place.

There’s something special about being a stranger in your homeland and realizing you really don’t know much about it as you thought.

We think because we’re born in a place we understand it but every country has regional differences that make it unique and, unless we travel to see and experience them, we’ll never fully understand the place we call home.

Driving across my country (the U.S.) taught me a lot about it. It gave me a deep appreciation for it, the people, and the diversity within its borders. It broke down stereotypes and misconceptions I had about the different regions in the US. My time exploring my own backyard was just as important to my growth as any trip to a foreign country.

If you’re on a limited budget, can’t afford a flight or a trip to exotic lands, or just want to do something different, don’t forget that you can always travel your own country. It can be just as powerful as visiting another country.

Cheap Vacation Idea 3: Go to National Parks

The great outdoors present a great chance to go somewhere on the cheap. Camping, after all, costs very little money. Camping fees in national parks are as little as $15 USD per night in the United States, $15-40 CAD in Canada, $10-60 AUD in Australia, and $17-22 NZD in New Zealand. And in many places in Japan and Europe (especially Scandinavia), you can camp on public lands for free. Additionally, you go camping stocked with all your own supplies and accommodation (i.e., a tent), so you don’t have to worry about spending lots of extra money. Your food bill can be whatever you spend on groceries and nothing more.

You don’t need to love camping to spend time in the national parks, either. Personally, I hate camping. I’m not the camp-in-a-tent kind of guy; I need toilets, beds, and hot water. Luckily, many parks provide cabins. While hiking the Grand Canyon, I stayed at a national park lodge at the bottom. I had a room in a dormitory, but for a few nights, it was the cheap accommodation I needed.

There’s almost always a park nearby and spending a few days with nature is not only good for your wallet but also good for your soul.

Along these same lines, Camp in My Garden is a website that lets people camp in someone’s backyard (or garden). Got an RV that needs parking? Check out RV with Me, which finds cheap parking and overnight solutions for RV owners!

Cheap Vacation Idea 4: Book a Last-Minute Cruise (or Book Far in Advance)

Cruises are normally very expensive, affairs with a seven-day Caribbean cruise costing over $600–700 USD per person for a small interior room. And, if you’re traveling alone, you often have to pay the price of two people since not many cruise lines offer single traveler rooms!

But, if you’re the last passenger running onto that ship, you can find some sweet deals.

Cruise lines always offer incredible last-minute deals. No ship’s captain – or cruise company – wants to leave with half the cabins empty. If you wait until a few weeks before departure, you can find some really amazing deals as cruise lines scramble to find passengers. Plus, cruise operators always throw in some on-board amenities, free upgrades, and cash vouchers to sweeten the deal.

The website CruiseSheet often has cruises as low as $30 per day! (It’s the best cruise booking website in the world!)

Conversely, if you book over a year in advance, cruise lines also offer amazing low fares for early birds.

Cruises are the one form of travel for which I recommend visiting a travel agent if you’re part of a big group. They have wonderful working relationships with the operators and can score better packages than booking online.

After you book, keep an eye out on prices, because if they drop, you can often call your travel agent or the cruise company itself to get a partial refund or vouchers to use for dining and alcohol on the boat.

READ THIS —> Click here to read my guide to finding super discounted cruises (and how to save money once you are on board.)

Cheap Vacation Idea 5: Think Outside the Box

Forget Mexico and go to Guatemala. Skip Paris and head to Budapest. Forget Italy and see Greece (it’s really cheap!). Ditch Brazil and take on Bolivia instead. The list goes on and on. There are countless cheap alternatives and budget destinations around the world!

Travel counter to the prevailing trend.

Zig when everyone zags.

If people are going in the summer, you go in the spring or winter. Skip the popular destinations and head off the beaten path a bit.

Contrarian travel will save you a bundle of money. It’s like reverse commuting. While others heading into the city in the morning for work are stuck in traffic, you breeze the opposite way hassle free. The same is true for travel.

The more you are a contrarian in where – and when you go – the better off you’re wallet will be. Plus, you’ll enjoy destinations more because there will be fewer crowds. No one loves a crowd!

READ THIS –> Click here for 10 Destinations to Visit on a Budget to help give you ideas on where you to go!

Cheap Vacation Idea 6: Book a Last-Minute Tour

Just like cruises, tours are best booked last-minute. Tour companies need to fill the seats just like cruise companies, because once that trip departs, they still have the same costs. Last-minute tour bookings work the same way as cruise bookings.

Why are tours so cheap last-minute? Well, think about how people plan vacations. You get the time off work, you book your vacation, you buy your flight, and you go. Since people pre-book, prices are higher in advance because these companies understand booking patterns and then price accordingly. As departure time nears, companies know people aren’t likely to turn up and book on departure day, so they sweeten the price to increase bookings. So take the time off work, wait until the week before, see what’s cheap, and then go.

My favorite company, Intrepid Travel, often offers 15–30% discounts on last-minute tours.

Cheap Vacation Idea 7: Become a House Sitter

Accommodation can eat into the cost of a trip big-time. You might get a flight deal, but then accommodation — even if you can find it cheaply — might push the cost of your trip into unaffordable territory. A way around that is to stay somewhere for free. While I like Couchsurfing, it’s hard to do that for two weeks without annoying your host. A unique way to overcome this is to house-sit for someone while they are on vacation. You get free accommodation, a kitchen to cook in, and the chance to explore a destination in depth. It’s a pretty unique way to travel and one that I know a lot of world travelers take advantage of. You can even do this in your own region too, to cut down on transportation costs.

Cheap Vacation Idea 8: Grab a Cheap Flight

Nowadays, you don’t have to guess where the cheapest flight from your home would be. You can look up a whole list of flights (from cheapest to increasingly more expensive) using a site like Momondo or Google Flights. With those sites, you can type in “(the closest airport to you)” for your departure city and “everywhere” for your destination. Then a list of the cheapest flights appears in front of your very eyes, so you can choose where to go within your budget. This is how I decide where to go when I don’t have a specific place in mind. It’s a great tool!

Here are some other great airline booking sites where you can find deals:

Not everyone can jump overseas at the drop of a hat or spend six months backpacking around Europe or Asia. A fancy vacation to Mexico may be out of your reach. But while you might not have a lot of time or money, luckily there’s more than one way to see the world. These cheap vacation ideas may be exactly what you’re looking for!

Travel is simply the art of going somewhere new and different and exploring everything the place has to offer. It doesn’t matter if you have two days, two weeks, or two months. Use these cheap vacation ideas and go explore – on a budget!

Want more? Read these articles to get more specific destination ideas for where to have a budget vacation:

Book Your Trip: Logistical Tips and Tricks

Book Your Flight Find a cheap flight by using Skyscanner or Momondo. They are my two favorite search engines because they search websites and airlines around the globe so you always know no stone is left unturned.

Book Your Accommodation To find the best budget accommodation, use Booking.com as they consistently return the cheapest rates for guesthouses and cheap hotels. I use them all the time. You can book your hostel – if you want that instead – with Hostelworld as they have the most comprehensive inventory.

Don’t Forget Travel Insurance Travel insurance will protect you against illness, injury, theft, and cancellations. It’s comprehensive protection in case anything goes wrong. I never go on a trip without it as I’ve had to use it many times in the past. I’ve been using World Nomads for ten years. My favorite companies that offer the best service and value are:

Looking for the best companies to save money with? Check out my resource page for the best companies to use when you travel! I list all the ones I use to save money when I travel – and I think will help you too!

[helloworlddemo1122-yahoopar-blog]

Taylor Swift vs. Katy Perry: The Complete Timeline of Their Feud

Taylor Swift and Katy Perry's pop star feud just keeps on giving!

Over the past few years, these famous frenemies have seemingly used their beef as songwriting material, addressed their differences in interviews and have gotten their squads involved. 

Here's a look back at how the feuding first began and how it's progressed:

Sept. 8, 2014: Taylor Swift's Rolling Stone Interview

Getty Images

Getty Images

Prior to Swift's revealing Rolling Stone tell-all, Perry and Swift appeared to be friends, gamely posing at awards shows together.

But Swift had everyone talking ahead of the release of her GRAMMY-winning 1989 album, thanks to her quotes to Rolling Stone magazine, in which she revealed that she had a feud with a fellow pop star, which inspired her hit song, "Bad Blood."

"For years, I was never sure if we were friends or not," Swift said. "She would come up to me at awards shows and say something and walk away, and I would think, 'Are we friends, or did she just give me the harshest insult of my life?'" 

"She did something so horrible," she continued. "I was like, 'Oh, we're just straight-up enemies.' And it wasn't even about a guy! It had to do with business. She basically tried to sabotage an entire arena tour. She tried to hire a bunch of people out from under me.”

Several internet commenters then noted that Perry did lure a few backup dancers away from Swift's tour as she embarked on her own Prismatic tour in 2014. However, according to one of the dancer's agents, the dancers "exercised a 30-day out in their contracts and left Taylor, but Katy didn't steal them."

"They just didn't want to tour with her anymore because there is basically no choreography or dancing in her show," the agent claimed.

While Swift did say that the feud had nothing to do with a boy, both previously dated singer John Mayer.

Sept. 9, 2014: Katy Perry Calls Swift a 'Mean Girl'

Watch out for the Regina George in sheep's clothing...

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) September 9, 2014

Perry didn't shy away from Swift's Rolling Stone comments, tweeting the next day: "Watch out for the Regina George in sheep's clothing..."

In January 2015, Perry confirmed the tweet was pointed at Swift.

"​​If somebody is trying to defame my character, you're going to hear about it," Perry told Billboard magazine when asked if her tweet was about the "Shake It Off" singer.

May 23, 2015: Taylor Swift Will Never, Ever Talk About Katy Perry Again

In an interview with The Telegraph, Swift made it clear she was over Perry. "I'm not giving them anything to write about," she said when asked about about her nemesis. "I'm never going to talk about her in my interview. It's not going to happen."

Swift did, however, confirm she had her "enemies" in the business. "It's not real if someone appears to never have any issues with anyone," she explained. "I have my friends. I have enemies."

July 22, 2015: Katy Perry Hits Back at Taylor Swift Amid Her Nicki Minaj Beef

Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman...

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 22, 2015

The pop star feud was resurrected when Perry jumped in on the Twitter beef between Swift and Nicki Minaj over the 2015 MTV Video Music Awards nominees.

"If I was a different 'kind' of artist, 'Anaconda' would be nominated for best choreo and vid of the year as well," Minaj tweeted, getting vocal about her VMA snub. “If your video celebrates women with very slim bodies, you will be nominated for vid of the year."

Swift took the tweet personally, responding, “I've done nothing but love and support you. It's unlike you to pit women against each other.”

Perry then chimed in with a devastating tweet referencing "Bad Blood."

"Finding it ironic to parade the pit women against other women argument about as one unmeasurably capitalizes on the take down of a woman..." she wrote.  

July 27, 2015: Taylor Swift Throws 'Left Shark' Shade at Katy Perry

@TSwiftOnTour@TSwiftNZ@taylorswift13 THERE WAS A SHARK DURING #BADBLOOD TODAY #BADBLOODSHARKpic.twitter.com/VXWetafdj6

— Jillian ❤🎤🎧 (@Swifty448) July 26, 2015

Swift appeared to be back at it again later that month, seemingly trolling Perry during her Foxborough, Massachusetts, stop as part of her 1989 world tour. Her performance of "Bad Blood" curiously featured a cameo from a life-sized shark mascot -- a not-so-thinly veiled dig at Perry's Super Bowl dancer-turned-internet meme.   

July 13, 2016: Calvin Harris Brings Taylor Swift and Katy Perry's Feud to the Forefront

pic.twitter.com/m6ebYV8D1r

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) July 13, 2016

Time, the ultimate truth teller.

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) May 9, 2015

Swift's ex-boyfriend, Calvin Harris, brought up Swift and Perry's bad blood when he slammed the singer on Twitter. Harris was upset after Swift's rep confirmed that the singer wrote his and Rihanna's summer hit, "This Is What You Came For," under the pseudonym Nils Sjoberg -- when the two were still a couple -- and after Swift began dating actor Tom Hiddleston, who she broke up with that same year.

"Hurtful to me at this point that her and her team would go so far out of their way to try and make ME look bad at this stage though," he tweeted, after initially praising Swift. "I figure if you're happy in your new relationship you should focus on that instead of trying to tear your ex bf down for something to do."

"I know you're off tour and you need someone new to try and bury like Katy ETC but I'm not that guy, sorry. I won't allow it," he continued.

Perry later tweeted out a GIF of Hillary Clinton shooting out an epic "I told you so"-look shortly afterward.

Adding more fuel to the fire, Perry then retweeted her own tweet from May 2015, where she wrote, "Time, the ultimate truth teller."

Sept. 10, 2016:  Katy Perry Would Collaborate With Taylor Swift Under One Condition

if she says sorry, sure!

— KATY PERRY (@katyperry) September 10, 2016

Perry was looking for an apology after a fan asked her on Twitter: "Will you ever collab with Taylor Swift?"

She surprisingly tweeted back: "If she says sorry, sure!"

Oct. 26, 2016: Katy Perry Rocks Out to Kanye West's 'Famous' Taylor Swift Diss 

Perry once again rekindled the pop star feud while celebrating her 32nd birthday at Kanye West's concert in Inglewood, California. She even shared a video of herself dancing along to the rapper's now infamous Swift diss in "Famous."

May 20, 2017: Katy Perry Calls "Swish, Swish" an 'Anthem' Against Bullying

Though Perry never mentions Swift in her song, "Swish, Swish," the track is clearly slamming somebody, and of course, fans couldn't help but notice that that "swish" isn't so far off from Swift.

"From a selfish or a sheep/ Don't you come for me/ No, not today/ You're calculated/ I got your number," Perry sings. "'Cause you're a joker/ And I'm a courtside killer queen/ And you will kiss the ring/ You best believe."

"So keep calm, honey, I'ma stick around/ For more than a minute, get used to it," she continues. "Funny my name keeps comin' outcho mouth/ 'Cause I stay winning."

"I think it's a great anthem for people to use whenever someone's trying to hold you down or bully you," Perry told Jimmy Fallon about the song during her appearance on The Tonight Show. "That's kind of what this record is about. It's just like [a] 360-degree liberation. ... I think 'Swish' represents the liberation from all the negative that doesn’t serve you."

Of course, some of Swift's pals definitely didn't see it that way. Ruby Rose took to Twitter to defend Swift and slammed Perry, writing: "Purposeful poop" to 'bomb a petit' to a sloppy mess of writing over the top of Funkagenda..stop trying to make 'Wit..I mean 'fetch' happen."

"I've always stood up for the people I love and against things I think are cheap or mean spirited. That's not new. You have to follow your ❤," the actress continued. "I just think with everything going on in the world to go from rebranding as political activist only to ditch it and go low.. is.. a bummer."

May 22, 2017:  Katy Perry Claims Taylor Swift 'Started' Their Feud and 'It's Time for Her to Finish It'

Perry didn't hold back during her Carpool Karaoke segment with James Corden, addressing the beef head-on.

"Honestly, it's really like she started it and it's time for her to finish it," Perry said after the Late Late Show host asked her to clear things up. "She wouldn't speak to me. I do the right thing any time that it feels like a fumble. It was a full shut-down and then she writes a song about me and I'm like, 'OK, cool, cool, cool. That's how you wanna deal with it?'"

"But, what I wanna say is that I'm ready for that B.S. to be done," she added. "Now, there is the law of cause and effect. You do something and there's going to be a reaction. And trust me, Daddy, there's going to be a reaction. It's all about karma."

It should be noted that "Swish Swish," coincidentally, has a line about karma, where Perry croons, "Karma's not a liar."

June 8, 2017: Katy Perry Slams Taylor Swift for 'Trying to Assassinate' Her Character

Perry wasn't quite done talking about Swift. In an interview with NME, she gave background on why she decided to address the feud with Corden.

“I mean, I’m not Buddha -- things irritate me,” she said. “I wish that I could turn the other cheek every single time, but I’m also not a pushover, you know? Especially when someone tries to assassinate my character with little girls [her fans]. That’s so messed up!”

June 8, 2017: Taylor Swift Puts Entire Song Catalog Back on Streaming Services -- Right When Katy Perry's Album Drops

Actions speak louder than words. Though Swift has stayed silent on Perry's comments about her, she announced on June 8, 2017 that her entire song catalog would return to all streaming services at midnight -- just when Perry's Witness album dropped.

Perry was later asked about whether the move bothered her during an interview with the Today show's Natalie Morales. "I don't know, I can only do me," Perry replied. "All I need to say to her is I love her, and God bless her on her journey. And that’s it."

June 10, 2017: Katy Perry Is '100 percent' Ready to 'Let Go' of Feud

Perry made it clear that she was ready to make amends with Swift during a conversation with Arianna Huffington, which was live streamed to promote Witness.

"I'm ready to let it go. Absolutely, 100 percent," Perry said of the longtime beef. "I forgive her, and I'm sorry for anything I ever did, and I hope the same from her, and I think it's actually... I think it's time."

"There are bigger fish to fry, and there are bigger problems in the world," she continued. "I love her and I want the best for her, and I think she's a fantastic songwriter, and like, I think that if we both, her and I, can be representatives of strong women that come together despite their differences, I think the whole world is going to go, like, 'Yeah, we can do this.' Maybe I don't agree with everything she does, and maybe she doesn't agree with everything I do, but like, I just... I really, truly, want to come together, and in a place of love and forgiveness, and understanding and compassion."

June 12, 2017: Katy Perry Changes a Key 'Swish, Swish' Lyric

Perry backed up her conciliatory quotes by pointedly changing a few lyrics while singing "Swish Swish" during an outdoor concert for her fans. Instead of singing the line, "Don't you come for me," in the first verse, Perry sang, "God bless you on your journey, oh baby girl."

July 19, 2017: Katy Perry Says She's 'Always Loved' Taylor Swift Despite Their 'Differences'

Perry wasn't done trying to make nice with Swift. 

In an interview on Australia's Today show, Perry reiterated that she had love for the singer. "I mean, I love her, I always have," Perry told host Richard Wilkins. "We've had our differences, but I just continue to say, 'God bless her on her journey.'"

While Swift never acknowledged Perry's compliments, Twitter was abuzz that the ladies would finally put their beef behind them at the VMAs. After all, Swift did so with West at the 2015 VMAs when she presented the Video Vanguard award to the rapper, and when she jumped onstage to open the show with Minaj after their Twitter feud that same year.

However, Swift did not end up attending the 2017 VMAs.

August 24, 2017: Katy Perry Releases Star-Studded "Swish, Swish" Music Video

Like Swift's "Bad Blood" music video, Perry enlisted a bunch of celebrities to star in the music video for her single, "Swish, Swish," her diss track widely speculated to be about her frenemy. The release was ahead of Swift dropping her first single, "Look What You Made Me Do," off her album, Reputation.

August 24, 2017: Taylor Swift Releases Shady "Look What You Made Me Do" Music Video 

While Perry hosted the VMAs, it was Swift that got people talking with her shade-tastic music video for "LWYMMD."

Main moments of shade include Swift made up in a way that could be described as “Katy Perry-esque” and wrecking a car (complete with a Katy-cat in the front seat).

March 17, 2018: Karlie Kloss Addresses Taylor Swift Feud Rumors After Hanging Out With Katy Perry

The model-turned-tech philanthropist was longtime friends with Swift, and opened up to The New York Times after fans started speculating that she was now Team Katy. After all, the girls was spotted hanging out together a month prior.

"Don't believe everything you read," Kloss said simply.

March 18, 2018: Katy Perry Subtly Shades Taylor Swift on 'American Idol'

The feud continues! @katyperry throws SHADE on @taylorswift13 on @AmericanIdol#AmericanIdolpic.twitter.com/IBut9mAkhn

— TalentRecap (@TalentRecap) March 19, 2018

During a montage segment of Idol hopefuls auditioning for the panel, Perry's fellow judge, Luke Bryan, asked one scruffy, guitar-carrying singer, who he looks up to as a musical artist. "I'm sorry for this Katy… Taylor Swift," the hopeful answered nervously.

"Oh, you don't have to be sorry," Perry replied.

"I love Taylor Swift," the contestant added, emphatically.

"I love her, as a songwriter, as well," Perry stuttered, before shrugging indifferently.

Will these two ever make amends? Here's more on the feud:

May 8, 2018: Katy Perry Sends Taylor Swift a Literal Olive Branch:

It appears the feud is finally over. Swift shared a video of an olive branch and a note from Perry on her Instagram Stories on May 8, one night before her Reputation tour kicked off. The note is addressed "Hey Old Friend," and a closer look at the handwriting shows that Perry apologized to Swift.

"Hey old friend, I've been doing some reflecting on past miscommunications and the feelings between us, I really want to clear the air," the note reads. 

Swift was clearly pleased by the gesture.

"So, I just got back to my dressing room and found this actual olive branch," she says in the video. "This means so much to me."

"Thank you Katy," the text on the video also reads, along with pink heart emojis.  

Katy Perry sent Taylor an olive branch for the opening night of the reputation Stadium Tour! pic.twitter.com/6GDamcxezI

— Taylor Swift Updates (@TSwiftPR) May 8, 2018

A source told ET that Perry gave her apology to the "Gorgeous" singer a lot of thought before sending it, and has been wanting to bury the hatchet for a while now. 

“Katy planned a very personal, sweet apology and took time to write a kind note in hopes Taylor would see how much she cared about putting this behind them,” the source said. “Katy told friends if Taylor didn't accept this apology, she would keep trying because she is done holding on to the past and wants to be part of the change in today's society. She wants to set a good example for women, so she planned to never give up, if that is what it took."

“Katy hopes they finally can be supportive of each other's music and maybe one day soon even hang out together again," the source added. "Katy realizes they need to take it one day at a time, but that this is a great start.”

RELATED CONTENT:

All the Shade Taylor Swift Threw in 2017

Kendrick Lamar Says Taylor Swift and Katy Perry Have Some 'Real Beef'

Andy Grammer Weighs in on Taylor Swift, Katy Perry Feud: ‘At This Point, Let It Go!'

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It’s just 'first or second inning' of sports betting legalization: FanDuel CEO

Yahoo Finance’s Adam Shapiro, Seana Smith and Dan Roberts speak with FanDuel CEO Matt King about the future of legal sports betting.

Video Transcript

ADAM SHAPIRO: Here in the United States, it’s FanDuel. They own FanDuel. And FanDuel itself added 450,000 US customers. Let’s talk about that with Matt King. He’s the CEO of FanDuel. Good to have you here, Matt. I feel like we should be playing that song, the Queen song, “Don’t Stop Me Now.” Yeah, I mean, you guys are just roaring, aren’t you?

MATT KING: Yeah, the consumer demand has been off the charts. Obviously, the return of sports has been a huge home run for us. We’re currently tracking to be the first online operator to ever pass a billion dollars in gross gaming revenue for the year. And just really proud of everything the team’s doing.

DAN ROBERTS: Matt, Dan Roberts here. Let’s talk about some of the deals you guys have cut recently. You know, you announced a deal with the Grizzlies, a deal with the Broncos. It seems like this is the area now where the competition is really heating up, you guys cutting individual betting partnerships directly with pro franchises. But of course, I also know that you’re moving quickly to open up physical sportsbook locations– or at least, before the pandemic you were. Is that the main growth engine for you guys right now? And what’s happening kind of faster?

MATT KING: No, we’re seeing growth across the board. So the team partnerships and the league partnerships are a big part of the strategy, particularly in core markets where the teams typically kind of touch 70%, 80%, 90% of sports fans. So the Denver Broncos is a great example of that.

But we complement that with deals like the one we did with Intercom or Turner Sports, where we can really kind of reach the mass market, and more importantly, be integrated into the sports content. Radio has been a huge avenue for us. And so Intercom was a great partner to bring on board. And so you’ll see a wide range of partnerships that we’re doing out there.

Story continues

SEANA SMITH: Matt, we’re seeing more and more states legalize sports betting. We saw it in the recent election. How big of a growth driver do you see this potentially being for your company, and then also just for the industry at large?

MATT KING: We think we’re in the first or second inning of this. So if you look at the states that were legalizing, you got Maryland passed a referendum. Louisiana did as well. But you look past that, you’ve got big states like Ohio and Massachusetts that are seriously considering it.

And one of the things that has been a positive outgrowth of the numbers you’re seeing out of places like New Jersey and Pennsylvania is, almost all states realize that this is kind of common sense legislation. And when you take the economic opportunity and combine it with the resounding voter support for it that you saw in Maryland and Louisiana, kind of the legislators look at this as a kind of no regrets piece of legislation to push for.

DAN ROBERTS: Matt, we just got news of when the next NBA season will start– December 22, which is great. It’s also kind of crazy since we just wrapped the last one. But that’s how things are going right now. While we have you, it was very interesting. In the summer and the fall, we saw a big dip across the board in live sports TV ratings.

Everyone had their theories as to why that was happening, but the NBA Finals were way down. The NFL ratings were down through the first five weeks. Some of the tennis tournaments were way down. Kentucky Derby was down 60%. What do you make of that? And did that affect your business? Did that affect how many people were engaging with fantasy and betting?

MATT KING: We didn’t really see it affect our business. I mean, as you noted when we got on the call, we had over 450,000 new customers. We grew 80% year over year. So it’s hard to see it in our business. I think– and this is more art than science response– you know, people just aren’t used to watching NBA basketball in August. And they aren’t used to the Kentucky Derby being in the fall. And I think as you see sports return to their more normal calendar, you’ll see the ratings swing back.

And because also, the other reality is, when the NFL kicked off, you just had a lot of sports going on. And so you didn’t have as much kind of individual attention on any given sport. You didn’t have as much run-up in each of the individual events as you typically do. And so, I think you’ll see the ratings come back.

ADAM SHAPIRO: You don’t think there’s going to be any kind of, like, demand destruction, though, that in the lulls that we’re witnessing, that people may ditch some of what had been really popular live sports for perhaps some of the things they’re are now enjoying online? I mean, for you, it’s always good because you can bet on almost anything.

MATT KING: Yeah, no, it’s a great question. I do think viewer patterns are going to change, right? I think you are seeing– and we do our research. You’re seeing more people that are following sports through highlights on Twitter than maybe tuning into the big game. And so I think you will see continued pressure on ratings from cord cutting if nothing else.

But that’s honestly why we’re having a lot of really healthy conversations with leagues and other partners about how do we leverage the scale of our digital audience to help them find sports fans that are out there that may just not subscribe to cable anymore. And so, I think you’ll see some really interesting opportunities unfold as we see the disruption in the sports media landscape over the next couple of years.

SEANA SMITH: Matt, going off of that and some of the disruption that we could expect to see, I mean, sports betting market is soaring right now, but so, too, is a lot of your competition. You’re clearly not the only game in this space. Some of the smaller players here are becoming, I guess you could say, more and more popular. What are you doing just to maintain that edge that you have? Because as of right now, you are pretty by far one of the market leaders.

MATT KING: Yeah, no, we’ve been really pleased with how customers have responded, not just to our brand in sports betting, but also to our product. And so we’ll look to continue to have product leadership. If you look at what you can bet on, on FanDuel relative to anybody else on the average NFL Sunday, we typically have two to three times the number of things you can bet on.

We have some really creative products like same game parlay that are out there, where, again, we’re one of the few people that has them, if not the only person. We have more live bets than anybody else. And so, we really– we have been leading on product. That’s part of the reason why we have the market share we do, and we’re going to continue to lead on product.

ADAM SHAPIRO: Do you think your future, your company’s future, at some point, includes a merger with the– and I don’t know what the distribution model is going to be after cord cutting is done, but a merger with, like, a Twitter or somebody is going to have the contract for the delivery of different sports venues?

MATT KING: I think anything’s on the table this early in the cycle. You know, I would say the one thing that a lot of people have been really surprised at, as they get into sports betting, is the operational and regulatory complexity. We are a heavily regulated business, and that makes what we do very hard to replicate, particularly when you’re doing it at scale with the quality of execution and product delivery that we have.

So, who knows? But I would also say, if you’re a traditional technology company, a lot of times, you look at the level of regulation we have and say, that’s more than I want. And so, it’ll be interesting to see how it unfolds.

SEANA SMITH: Matt, we have the Masters this weekend. I know you were saying that a lot of times that we’ve seen a sporting event when they’re outside their traditional time when we’re used to seeing them, they’re not as popular, at least in the sports ratings department. What are you expecting to see, just in terms of some of the excitement and some of the interest that you’re hoping to generate this weekend?

MATT KING: Golf’s a funny thing. I would say, the interest in golf is 80% correlated to how Tiger Woods does still. Obviously, what some of the younger golfers are doing is interesting, but nobody commands the kind of name recognition in golf that Tiger does. He’s still our biggest liability on Masters weekend. And so I think if he does well, you’ll see ratings, you know, really, really strong. You know, if Tiger doesn’t make the cut, I think it’ll be weaker ratings.

#Betting #CEO #FanDuel #inning #Legalization #Sports

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What else you know about Farm Manager 2018

I've been longing for a match like Farm Manager 2018. As a baby, I took part in a ton of competition like Sim Farm, Knights and Merchants, Caesar III, and SimCity. I got into console gaming, that (until relatively recently) didn't offer much in terms of real-time strategy (RTS) matches with city-builders, therefore they dropped off of my radar a little bit. Fast forward to present day – I've be a big blow of sports with an agricultural focus such as Farming Simulator and Staxel, enjoying strategic gameplay which inspires careful planning. When I first noticed of Farm Manager 2018, the prospect of the activity to melded my passion of farming (full disclosure: I grew up on a farm also the day responsibility is agriculturally-related) with the strategy and managing normally associated with city-builders was incredibly exciting.

This isn't to convey to Farm Manager 2018 isn't without problems or possible locations for recovery. But the main incident is immersive, deep, and most important, fun. Having grown up on a dairy farm, I have a basic good sense of some of the 'behind the scenes' management that goes about during farming operations, i really feel quite qualified to determine the level of realism to Farm Manager 18 delivers, and farmsimulator.eu Farming Games PC the amount of a 'farm management simulator' that really is (notice that this game doesn't claim to be a 'simulator', that is clearly our design regarding what it's trying to reach). And in my opinion, it saves a great impression of managing a growing farming function without actually making it feel like drive. Over my own moment with the sport here were a few occasions of frustration with disorder, but once the dust settled (pun intended) I sense really pleased by the robust and fulfilling understanding how the game provided.

The game includes three different approaches, which really vary the level of instruction of which is provided on the person. Campaign mode walks people through various steps in the (re)development of the family's old, run-down farm, presenting the gambler for the playoffs mechanics and different parts in providing relatively honest and quickly achievable goals. Scenario mode provides the gambler with a stretches of something else conditions to fly into that trial their power to work towards some goal in a given timeframe, like as to make 30 greenhouses. Finally, free mode gives you all the devices and nothing in the guidance, therefore which you can develop the farm of the hopes without any instruction regarding what we ought to be there performing towards. I feel the three types provide a good variety in terms of the level of autonomy fond of the player, with would appeal greatly to another tastes (e.g., a tinkerer may act free manner also effort different points, while a goal-oriented person may control throughout the movement or scenarios).

After playing through Farm Manager 18's work (which led me about 22 times) I sense well-equipped to fight the other parts of the sport tasks. It does a great work of adding the sport mechanics such as cropping (on tiny with larger scales), orchards, greenhouses, the various forms of physical then the requirements, also the multiple types of processing/manufacturing buildings. That slowly adds the ability to build different types of buildings and purchase machinery, facilitating the participant in understanding how all the aspects of their farm work together. This was a great way to understand many of the game's structure, like there are several complex menus and statistical pages that might be not easy to understand without the explanation that's given. There are some products that would benefit from a deeper beginning, then I do think the builders would do well to add in the "help" menu where the person can choose a revision on some of the very hard items, as if they accidentally secure the display describing how to perform one thing before read a certain menu, there isn't any way to get to those elements.

At times the fight did go somewhat slowly, putting us feeling as even if I need to have a velocity even faster than the "3X" option., which I left the time placed at for the majority in the fight. Normally, the "1X" (real-time) speed option felt painfully brake, also I usually ditch the fly at the max adjusting for prolonged periods – that becomes fewer of a problem because the farm grows, however, since other problems pop up and more tasks have to remain assigned. Because I reached the side in the battle, I found myself thinking overwhelmed (in a great sense) at times with the number of things that required my mind, with conducting on most speed was absolutely no longer a sensible alternative. Ultimately this allow us thinking as still the time range was rather well-balanced, since with like games, earlier steps are frequently relatively simplistic/slow-moving with factors happen to increasingly hectic so your farm/city/colony grow.

I admire the game for developing a full-year period of some seasons, however winter could pull in, especially if you get built any greenhouses or take numerous animals to take care of. At times I hoped the game would let me fast forward during winter for the launch of movement, when fieldwork acquired then here become a large quantity of tasks to complete once over. That living told, I think that seasons could be reduced a little, while I often found myself having all the subject preparation completed quite young with into spring, with the crops being willing to gather into early summer. In fact, depending on the crop being produced, you can actually grow with harvest a crop twice in one growing season, which is quite unrealistic. This reinforced my notion that the game's seasons are in requirement of nearly (albeit relatively minor) adjustment.

Not only did my ask to hurry through parts of the battle almost get myself in thought at many sites (by nearly pass on the skylight to grow a certain crop in a given growing season, for example), it also led everyone to recognize that the approach seems to have a little of an identification crisis. Farm Manager 18's campaign struggles sometimes with determining whether it wants to become a full-fledged course, or as a goal-oriented work which enables you obtain the aims as you see right, but shows you the basics along the way. At one moment, I'd already collected a handle of wheat into first summer, and when I touch the next act with the war a minor later on, it put me to help harvest to ground with a newly-purchased combine harvester. Had I not gotten to put in a store from most an hour before, I would have had to wait another full in-game year to complete the work next go ahead from the campaign. I continued in new issues further decrease the lineage, like the power to seal our generation I did expanded the dairy operations, but the war put everyone to construct even more cowsheds, put me without choice yet to remove the little ones I had made to make bedroom for a few of their choice sized counterparts.

These numbers keep us feeling so though I did very little sovereignty in increasing on the components that was created to me, with essentially punishing us instead of receiving my own ideas about how to go around building the farm (even though the entire moment I happened aware of the objectives determined with the war). I understand that the game wanted to slowly create their various mechanics, but when those are exposed it should be approximately the gambler to use them because they see fit. Many of the aims of the campaign were somewhat too restrictive for our love, and movement already gotten when a goal appeared wasn't taken into consideration (e.g., if the game plan us toward breed 30 cows, it had to be 30 new cows, despite the fact that I'd likely bred 50 by that point from the operation).

While this might seem like while I have many issues, Farm Manager 18 does manage to get quite a number of points best. The natural issue of farming, with better workloads during the growing period with calmer winters, is very evident and demands the participant to think ahead to ensure their moment is used successfully and they have the appropriate total and mix of workers (long term and seasonal) to really direct workflow. That makes you to create fashion to help earn some income in the off season, and also ensure that you're prepared to endure a period of schedule without any incoming crops – for example, without the ability to pick any grass or straw, it might become trying to keep a steady supply mine for cows (without having to buy grass or silage). Permanent employees also have various skillsets (e.g., proficient on using machinery, returning from orchards, caring for being, and more), that can offer a recognizable impact on things like how rapidly the problem of gear deteriorates before the mass of plants harvested from the field, so the player must carefully think about the farm's needs when use new workers.

There is also important level to the number of choices presented on the player in choosing how to develop their farm. Need to remain fairly minor extent with put up little fields, care for a few cows, then several rabbits? Go ahead. Want to develop a series of humongous dairy barns also certain equally massive takes to stock feed for your cows? Or maybe diversify your operations and retail fruit drink and sheep's wool? You can do to in addition. Farm Manager 18 offers a large amount of building styles and meeting. While all the animal building types essentially do the same sense (get many animals, over time you can breed them to create your herd) they generate different products, and may even give into production plants such as slaughterhouses for a greater investment (but too a heightened return). These types of choices live where I am how the game really stands out, so frequently you are pushed to contemplate multiple variables in deciding how to produce (and ultimately manage) your farm. Costs/cash on hand, available area (or the price of another terrain to increase the farm), workforce, long term goals…these all come into play. Not to mention that the format in the farm and show a heavy purpose within how efficiently it works also just how quickly processes are finished. You can see your hands cause and conducting their assigned duties with real time – and also hip huge detail if you move with further enough – and they have to receive via the assigned family on the mission (or equipment if it's needed) in order to get the job figured out. That live told, the game suffers from the lack of any ability to queue up tasks for your workers and/or systems, which leads to some frustration when you look at a employee move with a tractor, get the expected implement (e.g, a manure spreader), stop this ahead (if needed), power on the discipline, complete the task, fall off the implement, park the tractor, then move time for their property – and only then can you assign them toward fertilize the next handle. This might only use an extra 10 seconds on any base with the job (as work the game in maximum rate) but without the decision to assign multiple tasks to a hand, I often found myself expecting them to return on their home now i really might assign them a good equivalent job around the next take over.

Visually, Farm Manager 2018 looks excellent. As mentioned, there is a surprising amount of detail in the "ground-level", and when moved out (which is located how I played 95% of the time) the visual quality remains excellent and ideas change visually depending on what's taking place by your own farm into really point when things create and movement – there is too a unique visual discrepancy between years, even dependent on temperature at times (e.g., snow can melt in winter if the temperature goes above freezing, it doesn't just stop white through the whole year).

Farm Manager 18's user software is workable, but would benefit from some enhancements. It does an excellent task at providing basic facts in a constructive and quite visually-appealing manner, but I am that it could be further expanded. The staff to sits along the top of the screen (that enables one to track the amount of eight products of your own pick that's presently in your storage) would benefit from including in the ability to track expiry dates and/or cost in the products, so which an individual happen forced to consult with a menu to note that information for the items you produce/sell the most. The buy/sell menu for solution is a bit clunky, as it often presents items some moments (e.g., should they take special expiry time or are in different storage facilities) but there is no option to sell only to "collection" of merchandise – this presents this very hard to offer the invention that will expire primary, with I typically found myself just going the entire amount of invention I had to preclude the inconvenience. The displays to show up when you press in anything (e.g., a shape, field, worker, etc.) appears directly from the centre from the panel, and often blocks a person through glancing at the feature in which an individual clicked. While this isn't a serious issue, having the window open from the place in the show would allow you to retain a visual connection to the thing that you are managing and not have a major part of the monitor consumed by the facts. To living said, objects to require close attention pop up as notifications then avoid an star from the highest right angle on the display until dealt with, allowing you to triage things that are questioning the awareness with ensure that key difficulties are managed in a reasonable fashion.

The game and suffers from a few bugs, such as tractors or workers getting stuck while performing tasks, however Cleversan Software have been really open to player responses in addressing subjects and releasing updates in the age since release. Some points I encountered something that forced myself to exit on the chief menus and pack back to our saved game, but generally the event remained quite efficient and also the hiccups were small. It could perhaps become far better optimized, what I discovered that in spite of the full settings I wished, the game ran fit from the early shows of stem the farm, but suffered so although it was chugging as the farm became huge and the number of processes on the go increased (even even though our CPU/GPU usage remained relatively small). Despite the occasional lag in opening a selection, that took a negligible impact on the gameplay, yet I stay slightly worried this matter would turn into much more prominent with larger farms (I never catch the perfect maximum possible farm size).

I completed finger in some other additional (albeit minor) stories from the game such as the ability to repair equipment, but do this to say that I believe the game presents a quantity of realism that's believable without becoming overbearing or detracting from the gameplay. Overall, I had a great stage with Farm Manager 2018. This low enough without considering overwhelming, but permits the person to work out the way "straight into the buds" (pun meant) they step with respect to reading database and following commodity prices. That gives an excellent variety in terms of body and scalp types to allow for substantial player select and self-direction – regardless of form – while the several specific game modes provide for a nice variety in the level of prescription with respect to overall goals. The resolutions people cook when performing experience what although they have consequence, that is essential in this kind of activity. Despite several minor infection with certain equally minor pacing problems with the war, I would certainly recommend this contest to stir up of city-builders, simulators, and/or farming games.

Farm Manager 18 nails the feeling of surviving a farm. That puts a lot of data in a person also involves you to manage tons of variables – all while being it fun. Some bug places and tweaks are important, although if you're seeking a building/management game and have an interest in farming (or even if you don't), this contest will certainly protect people thought about.

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Wildest Dreams (episode 4)

In the harsh light of day the weight of the night before is setting in.  My mouth is super dry, my head is pounding and I'm having flashbacks, hot flashbacks but it's hard to concentrate on them with the pain.

I can here a conversation going on, I guess Angus finally got that FaceTime call from his sister. I can hear his end clearly but her replies come through muffled. I focus in on what he is saying and I realise they're talking about me.

"No Immie, Im not going to give you her name"

muffled reply

"you know exactly why, you'd look her up on simstergram and stalk her profile, trust me, you'll  meet her when the time is right, I just don't need my big sister scaring her off"

I get up and move closer to the door, I've never been the kind who listens in on private conversation but considering Im the subject matter I can't stop.

"Look Immie, it's more than likely that she's going to wake up and pretend nothing happened again, just like she did on Thursday."

"Give her time Gus, If she's as sweet as you say she is I'm sure she's worth the effort" Imogen assure him.

Am I worth the effort?

Angus ends his call and I can now hear a blender stopping and starting. Time to venture out of the room. He's standing in his kitchen dressed only in shorts and it's freezing.

"Morning" he says in an upbeat tone, "Did I wake you?"

"No, my hangover woke me, I swear Im never drinking again" I pledge

"Famous last words Miss Green, we've all been there"

"Ah Im sure you never have Mister McKennzie, given that you don't consume carbs"

"I use to be quite a heavy drinker"

"Oh, sorry"

Change the subject Zoey

"what are you concocting in the blender?"

"The worlds best hang over cure"

And he's going to make me drink it!

"Are you not cold, it's freezing Angus"

"I went for a run earlier, sorry, is it making you uncomfortable? I'll go put a shirt on"

Don't think Zoey, just act on impulse, you can do this.

"No, don't" I plead, reaching my hand out to touch his rock hard abs and I don't know which one of us is more shocked. My fingers move slowly up his torso, sweep across his neck and make the way to his mouth, I let my thumb play with his bottom lip and he kisses it softly. He pulls me in closer and brings his lips to mine, I'm anticipating his kiss but he just opens his mouth and asks "Is there a chance that you're still drunk?"

I shake my head, no

He kisses me, lifting me up off the ground.

"Do you have to be home at a certain time today" Angus enquires.

"No but I do have homework I need to do at some stage this weekend so I will need to get our bags from your office" I reply

"You mean those bags" He asks, pointing to the corner where he's carefully placed both my school bag and Tess' too.

"What do you have planned Angus?"

"I was thinking we could drive up the coast to Sulani, I know it's winter but there some great spots to grab lunch on the Island"

"How do you get to the Island  though?"

"Ferryboat from New Crest" He informs me

"Im in"

I check my phone in the car and I'm surprised to see that I only had 2 missed calls, one from home and the other from Tess. That's very unlike Tess, usually she would just keep calling until I picked up, her record was 35 calls in the space of an hour. I call home first and my mother answers.

"Hi Zoey"

"Hi Mum"

"I called before to see if you'll be home for dinner tonight and if Angus would be joining you?"

"How did you know I was with Angus?" I asked, thinking Tess must of ratted me out

"Oh, He called us last night, said you had passed out drunk on his couch and he had put you in his sisters bed. Lovely boy he is, we had a long chat too"

I shoot Angus a look and he just smiles, keeping his eyes on the road.

"So, Im not in trouble?" I ask mum

"Why would you be in trouble, we know you're safe and not lying in a ditch somewhere, plus you're our good girl, we know we don't need to worry about you, unlike Tess"

When I hang up the phone my head is filled with so many questions, like what did they chat about.

"We talked about you Zoey, how you're going to University next year and you're hoping to study medicine" Angus informs me, like he's reading my thoughts, "I didn't know you wanted to become a doctor?" he continues

"My parents want me to become a doctor and don't get me wrong, I wouldn't mind studying medicine, my marks are high enough to get in too but I wouldn't mind becoming a vet either, I love animals, especially dogs" I explain

"You should do what makes you happy Zoey"

I wish it was that simple though.

The ferry ride from New Crest to Sulani takes about 40 minutes, the water is choppy and the wind is blowing a gail but Angus holds onto me tightly the whole way.

"This place is beautiful" I say when we arrive, the water is crystal clear and the sand is pure white.

"Yeah it is, I come up here a lot in Summer, we have a house on the beach and locals are so accommodating"

"I need to ask a question and I apologise is advance if it comes out rude but you're 22, how do you own so much property, it's like you hit the motherlode" I ask and he laughs

"Immie was a world renowned scientist. she invented a cloning machine, among other things, made Billions from it, retired at 32 and now travels the world, she comes home in the warmer months, helps me out with the gym but mostly she leaves me in charge of making the big decisions, I've got creative control over everything" He explains.

We walk to The Sand Bar, a small bar with a food stall out front. We put our orders in and find a wicker cane lounge to sit on.

"Ok Zoey, I think it's my turn to ask the personal question" he says, I can hear the reservation in his voice but still he pushes on, "You've talked to me non stop about your relationship with Tess and I've met your Mother and Step Father, who you also seem to be really close to but you've not once mentioned your actual father"

It was a painful subject, a wound that had never healed. I can feel the hot tears welling up in my eyes.

"Oh fuck, Zo, I'm sorry, I shouldn't have brought it up, it's none of my business, forget I've asked. Shit, I wanted to have the best first date with you and now I've ruined it and made you cry." He comforts me, wiping my tears away with a napkin

"It's ok" I assure him, "I cry when I'm angry, I'm not angry at you or that you asked, please don't think that. I'm angry because our father abandoned us, left my mother with nothing, alone to raise to two children on her own. Tess and I were only 10 and he just didn't come home, he moved to Oasis Spings with his girlfriend, Eliza Pancakes and they started a new family together, we never heard from him again"

"Im so sorry Zoey, what a prick, you're poor mother and you girls" He exclaims, shocked

"There were some pretty dark times, bills went unpaid and our power was shut off a few times but Ruth got us through it, she took a job as the hostess at Chez Llama and worked really hard to make sure we had everything we needed. That's where she met Don too, he was head chef. They married about a year later and we moved to Brindleton Bay." I explain

"Imogen tells me that Don Lothario was a bit of a playboy in his younger days at Riverview High. Your mother has done a great job taming him" He laughs and I do too

"You wouldn't even know he once had a wild side, he's so devoted to Mum and is more of father to Tess and I than our biological father ever was"

On the drive home from New Crest I receive a call from Tess.

"Where are you? Im bored and have no-one to talk to" she cries

"I'm about an hour away, I'll be there soon, I promise. I just remembered, I forgot to call you back too, I'm the worst sister in the whole world" I laugh

"You so are Zoey, You get a boyfriend and forget all about me, the real love of your life. Nah, it's all good, I called Angus, I knew you were safe" she assures me.

BOYFRIEND? What? I hadn't thought about that label, it was all too new, I hadn't even had a chance to debrief with Tess. I can feel my breathing starting to become more rapid

"I gotta go...see you soon T"

"I'm pulling over Zoey, just hold on" Angus cries, anticipating my oncoming panic attack.

As soon as the car has safely come to a stop I jump out. The cool evening air hitting my hot cheeks. The attack takes about a minute or two to pass but the shame and embarrassment sticks around.

"Im going to kill your sister" He announces

"It's not her fault, she just has no filter sometimes and get excited" I explain

"I was going to ask you, I just couldn't find the right moment today" He rambles

"Ask me what?" Now Im confused

"To be my Girlfriend, to make this offical, I know it's sudden but I'm not the type to be out there dating multiple girls all at once. I want to be committed to just one girl, to you Zoey, I want you to be my girl?" He asks, sheepishly

"I've never been a Girlfriend before though" I explain

"It's not like applying for a job at the barista house Zoey, you don't really need previous experience"

"I know Angus but look at me? Normal girls get excited about moments like this, I have a panic attack"

He takes me by the hands and looks me deep in the eye

"Zoey Green, would you do me the honour of becoming my Girlfriend"

Don't overthink it Zoey

"Yes, Angus McKennzie"

He picks me up, spins me around and plants a kiss on me.

#sims 4 #sims 4 gameplay #sims 4 get to work #sims 4 simblr #sims 4 cats and dogs #sims 4 island living #sims 4 city living

[feral-frugal]

Facing the Numbers

April 2019

For the first time since I was 22, I find myself living on a pretty tight budget. For a few years, I had a fairly high-paying job that allowed me to save close to $20,000 – and then leave that job (which was a dead end and not teaching me any new skills) to move to Jordan to be with my husband, freelance, learn some new skills (video) and establish myself a little bit better. My income there was never stable – and I never made more than about $30,000 a year there – but somehow I never had to be that careful with expenses – we lived in a family-owned apartment and paid little rent, Layth frankly covered a lot of our bills, and with my income, I managed to pay for my master’s degree tuition, travel home once a year, buy camera equipment when needed for work, and save up for eventually moving back to the US.

In the end, my savings helped tide me over the 4 months I was looking for work in the US and pay to get set up in an apartment once I had a job. But unsurprisingly, I underestimated how much moving was really going to cost: furnishing an apartment from scratch (I had zero furniture, no dishes, no clothes hangers, nothing), paying for Zipcars to go shopping for things, stocking a pantry with all the basics, and so on – it all added up. Plus there were some other big expenses like paying my tax bill and the fees to start the process for Layth to move to the US.

My income is lower here than what I was hoping for, and the last few months I’ve been really living paycheck to paycheck, feeling more broke than I have in the last seven years. Which is pretty frustrating, feeling like I’m now so many years away from being able to do things you should be doing at this point in life: buying a house, finally paying off student debt, thinking about having a kid. On the other hand, I know people 30 years older than me in far worse shape financially, and people who’ve gone through foreclosure and multiple layoffs and they’re still somehow doing the house and kid thing, so maybe it’ll be alright.

The last few weeks I’ve started trying to think outside the box a little bit and also really take stock of where the money is even going. A couple freelance editing projects a month would help tremendously (oh, what I would give to charge $10,000 to edit a 300 page report on child marriage again for UNICEF). Because when I add up what I think I should be spending each month, I’m fine on paper. The first thing I did was get a loan and consolidate my debt – which let me massively reduce what I was paying monthly (I was making more than the minimum payments, but barely making any progress on it) with a much lower interest rate. It’s also helped me to change my mindset about it a little – instead of it being credit card debt that makes me feel awful about myself, it’s my Moving to America Loan. And I guess it’s the price I’m paying for settling for poverty wages in a developing country for a few years. Oh well.

Then I went back through my credit card statements – I had memorized the card number, set it up with Apple Pay, etc. and it was my default payment for a lot of subscriptions – and went through and canceled a whole bunch of shit: a Kindle subscription I wasn’t using, Netflix, Lynda.com (I get that for free through work now), Adobe software, Microsoft Office (again all through work now), and more things that I had and was justifying as business expenses – which came to about $1500 annually. Not a huge amount, but a chunk of change that will go towards paying down debt.

Then today I finally reconnected Mint to my accounts and wanted to cry and looked at my transactions for April. I spent at least $1000 more than I thought I did, I somehow spent over $500 on food (what the fuck?!), but also had a few one-time large purchases, like a portable AC unit and fan for summer, plus I paid to ship my bike from my mom’s house and had to buy some supplies for it (but this means I now hopefully get to commute by bike most days from now until November or so, and pay less for the bus). In May, I’ll be traveling for two weeks (which means I’m paying for an AirBnB and will have to eat a lot of pre-prepared foods/at restaurants), I have to send a graduation gift to someone, etc.

Next month my gas bill should finally be a lot less, and hopefully running the AC a few hours a day won’t run up the electric bill too much. I’ve reduced my already cheap phone bill (Mint Mobile) so I’ll pay $120 when it renews in June instead of $160 ($80 savings a year). And my next obstacle is to see if I can ditch the cable company – I foolishly signed up with them when I moved in, and I’m not sure how hard it’s going to be to get out of the contract. But if I can, I’ve found another company where I can get internet (no cable) for $50/month instead of $120 ($840 savings per year!).

But if you enjoy making lists and graphs like I do, I think this can be a little less painful and more like a game. Projecting out these expected reductions, I should be able to have close to $1000 left over each month. Thankfully, I already have a pretty decent retirement account set up at work, and that’s quietly running in the background. Now, on the one hand, it might make sense to throw every dime I have left at that loan, but I’ve been riding so close to the edge these past few months, I really want to just let that accumulate for a few months so that I feel like I have some cushion/ an emergency fund and then I’ll start making bigger payments.

I’m flabbergasted that I spent so much on food this month, and I seriously feel like I’ve thrown half of it away. It’s seriously appalling. When I get back, I’m going to start composting (going halfsies with a friend on a bucket of worms with some dirt). And even with New Haven’s seriously lacking grocery store options (all the shopping is in the suburbs, which requires me to rent a Zipcar for $30 for a few hours; inside the city we have three grocery stores), I think I can eat a healthy diet for $25 a week. My kitchen is well-stocked with the basics, and I’ll get my produce from farmers markets on the weekend for the next several months. And things seem to work best when I just buy a few ingredients with one or two recipes in mind for the week.

I DO NOT NEED ANY MORE CLOTHES THIS ENTIRE YEAR. I DO NOT NEED ANYMORE FACE WASH OR SHOWER GEL THIS ENTIRE YEAR. I do need new mascara and will eventually have to get more day and night cream.

I’m writing this to keep myself accountable. If I obsess over it, it might work. The end.

#debt free community #budget #finances #broke millennial

[novemberrxin]

How That Taste? • Jade - "Soulmates? I think they exist. Just not always romantically." "I think they are certain people you will meet in your life who you just connect with more than anyone else and you know it isn't a typical thing and you understand each other perfectly. And this person won't always be your "significant other", I mean it could be. Or they could be your friend, sibling, or a parent or your mentor, or the person you're dating or whoever. It could be just anyone you've ever interacted with." - It was the summer of '77, and I was eleven years old when we had been invited to this kid's birthday party at a rollerskating rink. Of course my mother had accepted the invitation since she was fond of roller skating and that particular rink, was exactly where she had met my dad years back. My mother loved to recount the story of how her and my dad crossed paths everytime a relative came by to visit, or at the grocery store, she'd tell the story to strangers. She went out on a Friday night with friends, and well my dad and his friends just came by to look at one thing, girls. As my dad was going to the bar to buy a beer, my mom walked by, and the moment they locked eyes, they were inseparable. Boom. Years later, I was conceived. I was born on August 22, 1966 in Los Angeles, California. A dark haired and blue eyed baby. Months after being born, we moved to Hollywood. And as I grew, I started attending to Lockwood Elementary School. As an only child, I liked being outdoors playing with the other kids in the neighborhood. Sometimes I gave my parents a hard time going back inside to take a bath and go to bed because I had school the next morning. And the next day right after school and homework were done, I'd be outdoors playing hide and seek or jump rope or anything a kid from the neighborhood came up with. It was the year 1976, when a new set of family moved in right next to us. A couple and their son who looked around my age. Maybe a little older. Anyways, I avoided this new kid because he looked like trouble. He looked like the type of kid to do something mischievous and then put the blame on you and I sure as hell didn't want to risk it. Although we knew of each other, because we practically lived right next to each other, and went to the same school, I still avoided him. I don't know if it's a rumor or it's true, but I heard he once got in a fight at school. Honestly, this boy scared me a little even though he's never done anything to me. Just his wild personality. We would see each other a lot during school and after, but we hung out with our own little group of friends for the rest of the year. Then 1977 finally came around, and like I said earlier, we had been invited to this new kid's birthday party. His name was Pablo or Paolo. Something like that. Honestly, I had no idea. And it turns out my parents were friends with his friends for some time now and this Pablo kid's mom had asked my parents to come. Since we had no idea what this kid liked, but the G.I. Joe were selling out like hot cakes, we ended up getting him a G.I. Joe toy set. We arrived to the rollerskating rink, and there was kids scattered everywhere. Loud music was playing inside and my mom had handed me the gift. "You'll give him the gift personally alright?" My mom commented. Of course, it was really freaking awkward, because I didn't know any of the kids here except for Pablo. Whom I wasn't even friends to begin with.. As the grown-ups chatted, I took a seat on a nearby table with the gift still in hand. My eyes scanning the place, looking for the familiar blonde haired boy, so I can give him the gift we had for him and get this over with. Finally, the boy appeared with his blonde hair stuck to his forehead, looking like he just ran around the whole neighborhood. "Hey." I said, jumping up from my seat. The boy just looked at me all confused, and I added, "this is for you. Happy birthday, Pablo." I said. Then the boy spoke up, "It's Paul. But thanks." He said taking the gift from me and putting it with the rest. "So what's your name?" He had asked. "Jade." I answered. "Come hang with us." He said, and I followed. After his birthday party, one evening, I was hanging out with my group of friends, when Paul came up to us, and thanked me once again for his G.I. Joe toy set. That he had really liked it. That day, my group of friends and his became one, as one of his friends named Robbie suggested we play ding dong ditch. Of course, we all agreed and once the last ray of sun went down, we all met outside by the park, Robbie deciding that he'd go first. Everyone else hid behind the bushes while Robbie stopped by the nearest house, and quietly walked on the front porch, ringing the doorbell and just barely had enough time to hide as someone opened the door and looked around then went back inside. We did this to various houses, and we were able to get a rise out of some people which we found hilarious. "Jade, you're up." Paul said. "Huh? Me?" I said. "Yeah!" Some kid yelled. "O-okay." I said, rising from the behind the bushes and went up to the nearest house. I quietly walked towards the front door, and gulped as I rang the doorbell, then made a mad dash to the side of the house. Someone opened up the door, and they walked to the side of the house where I was hiding. "I seen you!" A fat man yelled as I started to take off towards the bushes. Everyone else hiding, also started taking off, as I caught up to them and we were laughing our asses off. The man was barely able to keep up as we turned around a corner and ran a bit more, then we stopped to catch our breath. "Woo! That was close!" Paul said laughing. Summer of 1977, was a hell of a summer and with these new friends I made, we were always up for adventures. Paul and I spending a lot of time together -- joined at the hip. I never thought that this wild kid, whom I was once scared of, was going to become my best friend one day. And one of the lessons I learned was don't judge a book by its cover. We spent so much time together, that his parents and mine started to suspect if we were secretly dating, and his personality started rubbing off on me. The shy, quiet girl that was scared of own shadow was replaced by a goofy, confident, and fearless girl. So pretty much, Paul had a positive impact on me. Later, we moved onto Le Conte Middle School, then graduated into Hollywood High School down the road. It was August 22, 1981. Which meant today was my birthday and I was turning fifteen. Me and my friends had plans to attend the first three periods, then cut class and go celebrate my birthday in a restaurant or something. Classes were boring as usual, that I was nearly falling asleep during third period. "You're going to fail the class if you fall asleep." Paul remarked and I laughed. "I'll just copy the notes off from you." I retorted. "Let's get out of here?" Paul suddenly asked. "Third period isn't over yet though." I replied, raising a brow. "Don't worry, just follow my lead." Paul answered, ripping up a piece of paper from his notebook and crumpled it up. When the teacher turned his back to us to write on the whiteboard, Paul threw the crumpled paper across the room, hitting the teacher on the shoulder. A few chuckles erupted, and the teacher quickly turned around. "Alright, who threw a paper?" Mr. Cooper asked irritated. "It was her!" Paul suddenly shouted, pointing at me. I slowly turned to face him, shocked. "Mr, it was him!" I quickly answered. "Both of you! To the dean's office!" Mr. Cooper said, writing us down a referral as we picked up our stuff. Once we were out of class, Paul laughed, "And that's how you get out of class early." I laughed, shaking my head. With him, your day would never be boring. And that was a promise.

#do not steal or repost #lost boys au #the lost boys #paul #brooke mccarter #paul x jade #margot robbie

[torentialtribute]

Man City’s lost academy: £300MILLION of young talent – including Jadon Sancho – has deserted club

For most clubs, producing a starting XI worth more than £ 300 million from their academy alone are announced as a phenomenal success

Unfortunately for Manchester City that talent together made a total of only 92 appearances for their first team – of which 64 were made by Leicester striker Kelechi Iheanacho alone

While Pep Guardiola is gilded, it has just brought an unprecedented domestic triad behind the scenes, behind the scenes one of the best academies in the country that undermines its best prospects.

<img id = "i-fd1bb1fc6691b346" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JTXDNO image-a-3_1553516947480.jpg "height =" 423 "width =" 634 "alt =" The Jadon Sancho of Dortmund is now one of the most popular features of world football, most popular features in world football at the moment "

Jadon Sancho in Dortmund is currently one of the most popular features in world football

<img id = "i-d9fd9ea5b174bbde" src = "https: // i. dailymail.co.uk/1s/2019/03/25/12/11426190-6847105-image-a-16_1553517700514.jpg "height =" 399 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-d9fd9ea5b174bbde" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JEQbqL" height = "399" width = "634" alt = " The £ 100-m-winger came through the Manchester City youth academy before he stopped "Manchester City & # 39; s youth academy before stopping with "

The £ 100m-rated winger came through the Manchester City Youth Academy before stopping

<img id =" i-56409c62441a408f "src =" https: //i.dailymail.co.uk/1s/2019/03/25/12/11425876-6847105-image-a-5_1553517115185.jpg "height =" 465 "width =" 634 "alt =" Brahim Diaz is now in Real Madrid, also graduated from the city's academy "c

Brahim Diaz is a Spanish

Brahim Diaz is now located in Real Madrid, City "class =" blkBorder img-share "/>

<img id = "i-f6caaba51604b1ef" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JTXEkQ" height = "422" width = "634" alt = "Like many young players, Diaz decided that he had a better chance of playing when he left City rtrok "

Like many young players, Diaz decided he had a better chance of playing as he left the city training Etihad Campus opened in 2014, Monaco player Rony Lopes, Bournemouth starlet David Brooks and English prodigy Jadon Sancho are among those who have slipped through the city clutch

It has turned out to be expensive. Brooks, recently elected Welsh player of the year, was released at the age of 16 because he was too weak. I have joined Sheffield United for nothing and it is now worth around £ 25 million in the current transfer market, although there have been reports of an offer of up to £ 50 million from Intenham.

Lopes has since been sold for just under £ 9m, and the market value is now thought to be about three times as high. Sancho has been associated with a move to rivals Manchester United for over £ 100m – 10 times the compensation that Borussia Dortmund paid for him in 2017.

Often, with a release, it is simply a case of a wrong assessment. Brooks offers a clear example of this, just like Kieran Trippier, who was fired by City seven years ago, because it seemed unlikely that he would ever repress club legend Pablo Zabaleta.

But it is Sancho & # 39; s departure, coupled with the January sailings from Brahim Diaz and Rabbi Matondo to Real Madrid and Schalke, respectively, which is the only side that has been sentenced to diamond in the rough to the rough. scrap heap.

The circumstances of the Sancho retreat are known.

The circumstances of the Sancho retreat are known. He had the chance to become the highest paid academy in the city someday. He rejected the offer.

Eighteen months later, Londoner won his first English caps, relegated Chelsea's £ 58 million acquisition of Christian Pulisic to the sub-bank in Dortmund and beat the Bundesliga with 15, 12 goals to add on start. He becomes one of the most coveted players in world football.

Rony Lopes is now flourishing in Monaco and has made its way through the rows at City "

Rony Lopes is now flourishing in Monaco and has made its way through the rows at City

<img id = "i-ac8baa7e6b87bc40" src = "https://dailym.ai/2uS4u1n /1s/2019/03/25/12/11426254-6847105-image-a-19_1553517713579.jpg "height =" 437 "width =" 634 "alt =" Lopes was looking forward to a bright future at the Etihad Stadium during his first few matches for City

<img id = "i-ac8baa7e6b87bc40" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JTXERS -19_1553517713579.jpg "height =" 437 "width =" 634 "alt =" Lopes looked forward to a bright future at Etihad Stadium during his first few games for the city "class =" blkBorder Future at Etihad Stadium during his first few games for City

<img id = "i-fc3895d40b50aeee" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JzA3GV" height = "434" width = "634" alt = "David Brooks is now building his reputation in Bournemouth and attracting large clubs"

<img id = "i-fc3895d40b50aeee" src = "https: // i .dailymail.co.uk / 1s / 2019/03/25/12 / 11425934-6847105-image-m-9_1553517185513.jpg "height =" 434 "width =" 634 "alt =" David Brooks is now building its reputation in Bournemouth and attracts big clubs "class =" blkBorder img-share

[Brookswaseeninddging awayStomommomer chances forfirstteameldomest]

= "i-88d8c51187a09b02" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JVldd6" height = "357" width = "634" alt = "Brooks was another boy who left City to find more chances of the first team elsewhere" class = "blkBorder img

[edit] also rejected the chance to stay. But Sancho did not start a new trend; in fact, these three players only have to follow a steady stream of young people who explicitly choose to leave the club to improve their career prospects.

In 2016, Rafael Camacho, the promising leader, chose to leave rivals from the city for the Premier League Liverpool instead. That same year Tyrese Campbell avoided – just like Sancho – a new contract to join Stoke City.

Twelve months later, Lopes left the club for Monaco in confusing circumstances – Manuel Pellegrini had publicly claimed that the 19-year-old would only leave on loan. Shortly after Pellegrini had spoken with the media, it turned out that Lopes had had the opportunity to leave definitively.

Last summer, Steven Gerrard's nephew, 17-year-old Bobby Duncan, left the city because he was frustrated by the lack of opportunities. He followed Camacho to Anfield because he had been with Stad since he was ten.

It is clear that the best young people in the city try to make the ship jump instead of trying the & # 39; grass & # 39; from the club ceiling.

SALE OF EX-YOUTH PLAYERS BY CITY UNDER GUARDIOLA …

£ 13.5 million – Angus Gunn (Southampton)

£ 25 million – Kelechi Iheanacho (Leicester)

£ 22 million – Brahim Diaz (Real Madrid) £ 193 – £ 194 – £ 191 – King & # 39; s House (Dortmund)

£ 191 – King & # 39; s House (King & # 39; s Lynn)

£ 12 million – Jason Denayer (Lyon)

£ 11 million – Rabbi Matondo (Schalke) Angeli (PSV)

£ 4.5 million – Olivier Ntcham (Celtic)

£ 9 million – Pablo Maffeo (Stuttgart)

Tyrese Campbell (Stoke)

£ 700,000 – Rodney Kongolo (Herenveen) )

[Toon meer →] [Toon kaart]

AND THEIR CURRENT CA. TRANSFER MARKET VALUE

£ 15 million – Angus Gunn (Southampton)

£ 15 million – Kelechi Iheanacho (Leicester)

£ 22 million – Brahim Diaz (Real Madrid) (19459002)

£ 191 – Rabbi Matondo (Schalke)

£ 100 million – Enes Unal (Villarreal)

£ 27 million – Jason Denayer (Lyon)

£ 4.5 million – Olivier Ntcham (Celtic)

£ 4.50 – Olivier Ntcham (Celtic)

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£ 300,000 – Tyrese Campbell (Stoke)

£ 500,000 – Rodney Kongolo

£ 11 million – Seko Fofana (Udinese)

£ 3,000 – Bersant Celina (Swansea)

(Herenveen)

Fundamentally, it is the club's investment in the first team

– more than half a billion pounds under Gua

Matondo said about moving to Gelsenchirchen: & # 39; In football terms I was not a vas to customer around the first team.

& # 39; I trained with the first team and it was a good training experience with Pep and the other players. They are top players.

& # 39; It's not City's fault, they have a great team with great players. But if you want to break into City, it won't be easy. & # 39;

The quotes from Matondo tell;

The need for trophies and the establishment of a position in the top table of football has led to the promotion of youth in the background, because there is easy room for risk – despite huge investments in the academy .

Kieran Trippier has become Tottenham and England

Kieran Trippier has become Tottenham and England, all the way back after the emergency lander after ditching City "

Kieran Trippier became Tottenham and England, all the way back after the emergency lander Trippier in action for town in the semi-final of the FA Youth Cup against Sunderland in 2008 "<img id =" i-189cdba767abf0e7 "src =" https://dailym.ai/2JyUlQD "height =" 702 "width =" 634 "alt =" <img id = "i-189cdba767abf0e7" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JTXFVW m-23_1553519300278.jpg "height =" 702 "width =" 634 "alt =" Trippier in action for city in FA Semi-final youth cup against Sunderland in 2008

Trippier in action for city in FA semi-final youth cup against Sunderland in 2008

Trippier in action for City in the FA Semi-final youth cup against Sunderland in 2008

Their first team is revered as potentially the best party in European football, while their academy investment is not really out of place either.

The club has benefited as well. Despite the increased current market value of the products sold, the attitude of the youth in the city remains the most profitable of every top six.

In the past five seasons, fewer than 15 senior appearances have been made for the club for a total of £ 125.8 million – and it will certainly continue to rise with add-ons. This season alone, Angus Gunn left for Southampton for £ 13.5 million, Jason Denayer went to Lyon for £ 9.9 million while Pablo Maffeo wore £ 8.1 million when he joined Stuttgart. That is before you add Matondo & # 39; s £ 11 million move to the Schalke and Diaz switch from £ 22 million to Real Madrid.

Not every player has decided to reduce his losses; Phil Foden, who recently signed a contract extension with the club to stay until 2024, has seen his involvement with the first team improve year after year.

His goal against Schalke in the last 16 of the Champions League

But earning money does not go into another emotional accusation that does not come through or retains their own talent, City fails in the

& # 39; The cornerstone of the future & # 39;

Sheikh Mansour himself referred to the importance of fostering ties with the local community when he outlined his vision for the club when he took over in 2008

was a vision for the development and sustainability of young people ; a vision to train talented young footballers on and off the field, etc. in a facility supported by the best coaches and coaching programs & # 39; s, & # 39; read his statement on the club's website

& # 39; The vision was supported by a

Kelechi Iheanacho played more in City's first team than any other graduate academy "class =" a = ">

Iheanacho played for Leicester amid fierce competition "class =" a "> Iheanacho played for Leicester amid fierce competition" class = "subcategory" > [1] blkBorder img-share "/>

<img id =" i-97b1b07cfb9127ec "src =" https://dailym.ai/2JYOZxM /11426322-6847105-image-a-20_1553517751351.jpg "height =" 579 "width =" 634 "alt =" Despite his early success, Iheanacho was sold to Leicester in the midst of fierce competition. <Img id = "i-97b1b07cfb9127ec "src =" https://dailym.ai/2JyW5cU "height =" 579 "width =" 634 "alt = "<img id =" i-97b1b07cfb9127ec "src =" https://dailym.ai/2P7RH4o 9/03/25/12 / 11426322-6847105-image-a-20_1553517751351.jpg "height =" 579 "width =" 634 "alt =" Despite its early success, Iheanacho was sold to Leicester in the midst of fierce competition

In terms of investment and infrastructure, there is no doubt that Sheikh Mansour has delivered on its promise. The academy of the city has 17 places, two full-time coaches per age category from 15 years and their last season under 18 were national champions. Their Under 18s lifted the Premier League Cup.

But it is impossible to say that the academy currently supports the first team. In 2017, former club captain Paul Power expressed similar concerns about the importance of identity and its absence at City. He said the & # 39; Manc had disappeared from Manchester & # 39 ;.

& # 39; We need more Manchester & # 39 ;, he said. & # 39; I don't care if you're a supporter of Scunthorpe United or Manchester City, you want to see local players in your team. & # 39;

Foden, who is only 18, is the club's only real response to the accusation that she does not own & # 39; own & # 39;

But the younger one is certainly not an ordinary person, not yet;

Meanwhile, other clubs have home-grown talent in their starting ups: Tottenham has Harry Kane and Harry Winks, Manchester United has Marcus Rashford, Jesse Lingard and others while Liverpool has Trent Alexander-Arnold. Even Chelsea, mocked for ignoring their fruitful youth design, still has Ruben Loftus-Cheek and now Callum Hudson-Odoi floating around the first team

This can and will probably change in the longer term.

With a prohibition on transfer on the horizon and possibly more severe punishment from UEFA for allegedly manipulating Fair Play financial rules, they could depend on their academy more than ever before.

However, the departure of Diaz, Matondo and Sancho suggests that it may not be easy to change the trend of young people who seek immediate success through the exit door.

<img id = "i-ca205bdc262c8343" src = "https://dailym.ai/2UKRut6 /25/15/11422030-6847105-This_XI_shows_players_who_have_been_sold_by_Manchester_City_unde-m-26_1553528118674.jpg "height =" 506 "width =" 311 "alt =" This XI shows players sold by Manchester City, under the ownership of Sheik Mansour, and have graduated from the youth academy of the club. "Class =" blkBorder

<img id = "i-ca205bdc262c8343" src = "https://dailym.ai/2JXThVS /11422030-6847105-This_XI_shows_players_who_have_been_sold_by_Manchester_City_unde-m-26_1553528118674.jpg "height =" 506 "width =" 311 "alt =" These XI shows players sold by Manchester City, under the ownership of Sheik Mansour, who graduated youth academy of the club. "

This XI shows players sold by Manchester City, owned by Sheik Mansour, and graduated from the club's youth academy.

THE LOST £ 300M TEAM

GK: Angus Gunn Now worth: £ 15 million

RB: Kieran Trippier Value: £ 35 million

CB: Jason Denayer Value: £ 27m

CB: Karim Rekik Value: £ 13.5 million

LB: Angelino Value: £ 11m

CM: Denis Suarez Value: £ 10 million

CM: Brahim Diaz. Value: £ 22m

RW: David Brooks. Value: £ 25 million

CAM: Rony Lopes. Value: £ 32m

EV: Jadon Sancho. Value: £ 100 million

ST: Kelechi Iheanacho. Worth: £ 15m

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#Man City’s lost academy: £300MILLION of young talent – including Jadon Sancho – has deserted club"