#i dont. know why im doing this. i want to kms

[thecherrygod]

i am. making a mistake

#my posts #im. very depressed. in a bad state. and also ill and unsure if im actually becoming feverish. and its midnight #i. am struggling emotionally and with a class and with motivation and i guess im also underwhelmed #like i have. shit to do. and things id rather be doing. im doing none im just sitting there feeling useless #i. just told a classmate i didnt start my assignment at all yet not even read the material #and he said it makes sense you were a bit sick im sure youll feel better and be able to do it #and i told him that hes wrong bc i would have been able to at least read the material before getting sick #and that if i was doing okay i would still be in the same situation #i. i dont. think i should be having this conversation with him #i dont. know why im doing this. i want to kms #i mean he has talked to me once when he was struggling he broke the mental illness barrier but i dont think i should be passing it either #i feel like i should stop saying whatever the fuck i am saying idk why i started idk if its too late for that #editing my tags to ad more bc i dont want to make another postabout this #yes i made a mistake. idk how to reply without going further into the conversation #'you could do what you told me and do the text to speech thing you sometimes do when you struggle to focus' my guy. my man. i cant #idk what to tell him that isnt an 'i cant even start that i can only open the documents i cant do more than that' i made a mistake #idk how to lie my way out of this idk how to just say 'yeah i should do that' or something and thats it #i mean i guess i do want to have someone to tell them how im actually doing but i dont. think its the right thing to do #also i want to throw up and cry and die and if i knew where our thermometers were id check my temperature #yeah my brain is barely working so since i feel my options are actually answer or ask him to forget i asked #i am asking him to forget i asked #i do feel awful and stupid but i dont think actually replying is good and i dont have another way to do so

[oceanwithouthermoon]

me: 'idc what people on the internet think of me, they dont even know me'

also me: tries for like thirty minutes to confirm someone really did block me and continues to try to figure out WHY

#not the same person i was talking about earlier #random saikechi shipper blocked me an indiscernible amount of time ago and I DONT KNOW WHY #I FOLLOW THIS PERSON ON TIKTOK TOO IM KMS #does it actually matter ? no! but do i really really really wanna know why ? YESSS... #I JUST WANT TO LIKE YOUR COOL FANART WHAT DID I DO WRONG

[ariiii33]

I rlly rlly want to impress my teachers but i have no motavation so i just sit in my room rotting in my bed thinking about what their reactions would be instead of actually studying

#then i start to think of failing all my exams and cry #i rlly need to study #school life #i hate it here #i hate school #PLSSS GIVE ME ONE MORCLE OF PRAISE #i cannot spell anything how has my A* streak in English not ended #i just want to be good at something #low key dont know what i’m doing in life i think i might just work the same minimum wage job in the same town until i kms #any sugar daddies hmu #give me money #and little treats #why cant i just be in a studio ghibli film #kikis delivery service #i want to be that woman in the bakery #I YEARN FOR THE BAKERY #bread #baked goods #life #i cannot #maybe i should end it all #the tags are more text than my actual post at this point #i yearn for smiley faces and nice notes on my work #by teachers lmao im not out there wanting random ppl to GRAFFITI my book #exams #exam stress #i have no hope

[todayisafridaynight]

seeing info only about the kiryu and majima statuettes but absolute radio silence on the ichi one is utterly sending me. Theyre hiding the fact theyre gonna make ichi pale as a cracker again

#snap chats #theyre in the lab making a skin tone with melanin in it for once im SCREAMING #JUST LET ME SEE MY BOY PAINTED LET ME SEE HOW BAD THE DAMAGE IS #whether i spend $150 is entirely dependent on if ichi is pale or not and im so serious its why i didnt get his plushie #anyways i got hate crimed today i was getting lunch with my dumbass friend WHICH. I DONT EVEN KNOW WHY I DO #CAUSE WE JUST SIT IN DEAD SILENCE AND SHES TERRIBLE AT CONVERSATION RIGHT anyway. #we were getting lunch and her prof ask her like ‘oh are you on a date <3’ like prof i would rather kms !!!! then go on a date with this gir #literally my biggest fear i hope people dont think we’re dating id actually drop out #‘snap you make her sound awful’ because she is and i dont feel bad about bullying her anymore NO LISTEN #WE WERE PLAYING Y7 LAST NIGHT AND SHE BUTT DIALS HER FRIEND. LIKE A DUMBASS. #AND DEADASS ME AND HER FRIEND JUST TALK ON HER PHONE ABOUT HOW MUCH SHE SUCKS.. WHILE SHES SITTING RIGHT THERE. #i felt so validated cause everything he was complaining about id complain about like oohhhh my god i should meet him #hes the guy that called me that invincible character. and mystery man. i think i talked about this already wait— #ITS STILL FUNNY TO ME IDC ive never felt so seen in my life. why an i friends with this girl idk we’ll figure out one day #right now i want. ichi statue to be real and tanned #ok bye i have class soon

[bunnihearted]

im so stupid for thinking anyone would ever love me

#ever since i was 13 i've longed for 'love' #i watched others around me start going on dates and getting their first kiss getting into their first relationships #i thought 'it's ok. when u start high school u'll have a bf' #but hs came and i watched everyone around me have sex for the first time and get into more serious relationships and fall in love etc etc #i was still alone and unwanted. so i thought it's ok. it's ok. maybe when u get ur first job or get into ur 20s. maybe online. maybe maybe #now im still... alone. and unwanted. i dont think ppl who hasnt experienced this knows how fkn isolating and alienating it is #no one has ever wanted to date me. or kiss me. or have sex w me. or had a crush on me or been in love w me. #i have no idea what it feels when someone touches me. i've never experienced what it's like .. all those things i dont wanna think abt it #i feel so extremely hideous and disgusting. like a disease no one wants to get close to. and why do i still long and ache for it??? #shouldnt i have gotten used to it by now? i fall in love. i want. but i always do it all on my own. hust as im alone in everything. #*just. trying not to kms bc i couldnt press the right fkn letter dumb bitch #i want to.. i want to.. but i dont think im someone who gets to experience these things

[hiveswap]

Im going to fucking throw up

#i hate posting about how im insecure abt my drawings because that just makes people rb them out of pity thats annoying as shit dont do that #but then i try for hours to draw something and its honestly not important to me but by the end im pretty pround #so i post it knowing no ones gonna give a shit #and yeah pretty much thats what happens #and i feel like shit bc no one owes me attention ffs #and i know it isnt anything special and i should have drawn something actually interesting instead of another portrait #and i complain to my mother and shes like #'well this is something a child would have drawn it isnt good' #and im like oooh i should kms got it #like obviously im the one who craves validation without putting any effort into making it actually cool #so this is like no one's fault and im self aware of it and it drives me INSANE #and i need to vent this but it will make someone go pity rb all of my stuff and it's gonna feel like shit bc i hate begging for notes #like you know if someone wasnt going to reblog why beg them to. thats not them actually liking the art thats bullshit guilt tripping #i dont even need exposure i dont sell any drawings exposure is useless to me i dont even know what i want #i just want to make something that people like what the fuck

[beautifel]

seems like my heart does nothing but break lately

#oh my god dont read the tags. it breaks for everyone :( but on a more personal level #for my gf whos sinking deeper into something n i cant even help bc im a wreck myself but i am so so scared to lose her #still havent even been able to book a psych appointment n i rlly dont know where to go with all these ..em*tions #Guys i rlly dont understand one thing. how come one random freak whos in ur life at some point can derail a whole person like eons later #jeopardise their whole future just by crossing some lines for funz i really dont understand this #not fair not fair at all this is evil #and becasue u got unlucky someone wanted to be disgusting u have to carry the consequences #i rly still cant even say it i still cant even write it #i dont even know how . irl the only perosn i told in some capacity #is dealing with her own trauma and i hate that jsut being understanding is not enoughlike #Wow Lmao Its just Funny How it Shapes You. & U Can Never bury it forever becuz it will always catch up to you😂😂😂😂😂😂 #AND THE PAST CAN NEVER BE ERASED 😃😃😁😁😂😂😂🔫🔫🔫🔫🔫🔪🔪 #at least my gf has been taking steps to deal with it for.3 yrs and i just never even #LOL i feel like such a coward but the sh*me and the g**lt associated with the Thing..r so overwhelming i cant even admit it #what would i even do at the psych appointment like straight up what am i gonna say Lol #hai iam here to process something i dont actually remember probably becasue i was a child but imnot sure. n id rather #kms than tell u how i know 😂. So thats also why my heart breaks. for that little girl who was a ball of shame i guess and no matter #how much i cognitively.like rationally know its not my fault the ball of shame n guilt is still there #n it swallows me every time i vaguely start 2 think about acknowledging the Th*ng #or whatever. And thats just my end of the deal but my gf has it worse genuinely bc she remembers everything n still has to see the freak #n it went on for yrs n her family doesnt know n heres the worst thing hes a beloved family member a sweet boy with struggles of his own #well i hope he walks into traffic for doing what he did to her

[tamagotchikgs]

last post ended up deleting my tags so im continuing them here

#but. #even after all the time i had aparti still went back at 16 #i traveled across the country just to see her again #and it fucking sucked #she ripped that wound right back open #which . felt so weird because she WANTED me to come #she made all the plans #honestly the train trip there was nice #i got to experience a lot of cool things #but the second i got there. it was . one of the worst times of my life #just nonstop #and now ive finally been away for awhile again #but i still miss her #& i dont know why #but it also doesnt help the only gf i have ever had did the same type of thing LMAO//.... i .. i just cannot win #maybe it's just my roll #say all these nice things n then immediately flip #she would make me hang out w her friends n talk me up n then. cheat on me with them with me there #& then get upset when i cried or tried to break up w her LMAO... #like. she wasnt poly or anything she was actually against it #but the worst part is how openly & loudly she'd love me right before it. so now i never know who is telling the truth. i never feel safe #but anyway. again. i stayed #over n over again id try to break up w her but then i loved her & so when she got upset n threaten to kms id flip n stay #n she'd do it again #until eventually she broke up w me n left me so fuckd up im not gonna lie JHVAJH #she still tried to stay friends after that n i tried #but then i started sobbing mid card game & it was very embarrassing top 10 worst things i have done #but i just. all i want is to be a good person. i want to be someone good & loving but i feel like im such a jealous monster #even if i dont let myself show it n try to ignore it bc i dont want to hurt anyone or be this awful it;s still here. just. permeating. #what if i feel too much what if ill never know when someone is genuine what if im just an evil obsessive freak n everyone i love hates me

[tiredstressedemotionalmess]

my head hurts abd im tired and i want to fall asleep so bad but i hate the idea of waking up because then ill have to go to school and for some reason the though of even seeing another human being makes me wanna curl up and die

#oh wait. wait a minite. #fuck #genuinely i think i need to see a doctor theres no goddamn way its normal to feel this hopless every goddamn month #MY PERIOD SHOULD NOT FUCK WOTH MY EMOTIONS THIS BAD IT DIDN'T USED TO BE LIKE THIS WHY DO I SUDDENLY FEEL #LIKE I WANNA KMS EVERY MONTH LIKE CLOCKWORK FUCK OFFFFDF #i cant even like. like i know i have no reason to feel like this i know its just bc of my period but that doesn't fucking help #i still feel exhausted all the time i still feel hopless every moment of happiness if fleeting i still wanna cry wvery second im awake #i still fucking wanna kill anyone who even looks at me i still feel like a goddamn desperate failure and like nothing good will even happen #to mr again #and i know its not true i Know its not true but its like rhis fucking constant. weight in my chest that wont go away #im constantly on the verge of tears and logic doesnt matter its like my brain is normal but everything other part of me is dying #something something i dont want to feel this way forever something something #genuinely would like. birth control or something help?? something to regulate my hormones??? i cannot keep fucking doing this i hate it sm

[widevibratobitch]

.

#im so tired of this lalalalalalalalaa #something is Wrong lol #i really need this therapy on wednesday but guess WHAT im not going. im going to a funeral instead 🤡 #and ill be singing in that stupid fucking church because have to but i dont fucking wanna i hate doing it and i hate churches #all i feel rn is the overwhelming urge to selfdestruct and like obv im not gonna kms now #but im so fucking angry that im not even *allowed* to do that anymore. like it was such a comfort all this time to know that i can just Quit #and now i cant because guess what someone has to take care of my mother 🫠 and im so fucking tired of being someone people depend on #to handle THEIR feelings and THEIR emotions and just take it all with humility and acceptance and kindness and never snap and bite back #like i dont WANNA hear about your dead husband i dont wanna hear about your stupid fucking boyfriend #i dont wanna hear about the new guy/girl who's hitting on you because you're so hot and perfect #i dont wanna be responsible for how people feel. i should just shut up and take it and be humble and never ask or expect anything back #but when is it MY turn to call at 1 am crying about how im tired and want to kms #or to start expecting shit of people and allow myself to get properly angry at them for not meeting those expectations #or to braggingly 'complain' about something the other person clearly lacks without any consideration for their feelings #or to just openly cry and say deeply personal shit without any filter not caring if that other person is clearly uncomfortable af #because *i* need it right now and i need someone to listen and let them worry about how to even respond to that stuff #im just so tired of people expecting shit of me im tired of being made responsible even tho i clearly cannot handle that responsibility #i wanna be mean i wanna snap and get angry and openly say that i dont give a shit and am tired and cant listen to this rn #but i cant because i have to be a motherfucking mother theresa and never dare to demand something for myself #and idk where that comes from. idk if it's coming from the fanatic catholicism of my childhood or my mother or just from myself and idc #i just feel so horrible and guilty and wrong for wanting anything for myself #and it once again feels like im making myself the victim and the tortured martyr here when i should just shut up and take it #i just wanna lie down and die and not care about who'll get angry or judge or blame me for it im tired and i dont know what to do #i want someone to take care of ME and reassure ME and make ME feel like i matter and that they really will help me if i ever need it #and that they'd be kinda sad if i were gone not because i had a role to fulfill that i failed at by killing myself but because i am a person #<- math calculations flying around my head as i come to the terrible realisation #of just why exactly im so deeply obsessed with my voice teacher (aside from her being literally the most beautiful woman alive lol) 🤡 #like babygirl stop being so utterly overwhelmingly kind to me my knees are weak i would do anything for you queen and I MEAN IT

[piplupod]

one more post while i am insane but i do think maybe Wanting to live should be ... enough to live. like can it just be all that is needed maybe. instead of [gestures vaguely at capitalistic society] all of that. a person should just Want to be alive and be allowed to live and given what they need to live. i dont want to have to beg and grovel for the ability to keep myself alive, i already did that (and continue to do that!) with my parents and now apparently i have to do that with the govmt and just... Everything.

#pippen needs 2nd breakfast #this is mainly just. why do i need to work when i Cannot work. #i wanted to work ! i really did ! but then things did not line up properly and now i am fucked !!! #and i cannot get onto disability bc that would involve so much sneaking around getting shit done and i Cannot risk it #i have simultaneously nothign to lose and everything #like. if i get caught by parents applying for disability then i will be in so much fucking trouble #my already nearly intolerable living situation will get Truly Intolerable. and then i'll be dead basically #and i dont even really qualify for disability bc i can Do stuff still. i just... can't do it often enough to make a living. #regular ass ppl can barely make a living. i'd never even come close #me when my disability is disabling enough to Need disability payments but not disabling enough to Qualify for disability payments 🙃🙃🙃 #straight up i am tired. i am so tired. i cannot see a way of living past whenever my bank account runs out. #like no i dont want to kms but yeah im gonna kind of have to ... ????? #because what do i do fhsdfjkl there is not a way to live !!!! idk man its fine its just fucked up #i'll go eat some food and not think about this. i feel like a rat stuck in a death maze #no matter which exit you take u know ur going to be euthanized at the end. ARGH !! #suicide tw

[munamania]

this shoot was just so fucking bullshit i dont like being around those guys and it honestly just pissed me off to see all the equipment these people are working with... like oh right well it's awesome that u spent so much money for your little group to make appealing cool films and ur so weird about anybody else using it since it's Technically a club's but let's be fr.. and i was asked to run around up and down floors etc and this one kid was apparently being bitchy abt having to bc men can never not have a tantrum and like i had to go early with the director and dp and like was i on top of my game fucking look at my life NO but i was fine this crew was pretty fucking terrible at delegating and communicating and i feel like i almost retreated into that headspace of oh god this whole thing is going to shit and it's my fault bc things arent organized and theyre running late and that is a large part of my job but its like the first day and again im not even THERE for fucking half of it bc it's a student set and im being asked to run around. oh right early on everyone keeps saying yep we're getting ready and i ask if they need help w equipment and they say no and so im like fucking cool sitting there waiting for our call and steve is like Abby how are we on time and the room falls silent and i was like oh my fucking god. im being dramatic like it's whatever but dont micromanage me yk and then they were pretty nice but then partway through the shoot after we'd moved locations and i was getting nothing from the director/we were at a standstill i asked if she wanted me to go stand with our equipment till someone got back and she said yes so i did and was on my phone yes and steve came up to me like so i'd love it if you could stay with [director] more bc she's struggling with staying on time and i just think having someone to help her with that would be good and well. that's your job. basically. ohhhhh bitch i almost got mean... i responded with like yeah well this is what i was asked to do rn and im checking in with her but will for sure do that more. absolutely not getting any kind of vibe from anyone on this set though so. like dont sit here and tell me im not doing enough of my job... anyway i feel like no one knew what to do with me and i tried to be friendlyish and helpful etc and ik it was not my best day but jfc

#whatever. im good at what i do im good at what i do #it's like.... #disheartening almost. idk. bc no matter how much i love this and really want to be in this #god some people just really have it better #even just in the years ive been here the film program has been building and slowly getting more equipment and now those clubs #are getting on it and it's like bitch i started on zoom... #i didnt just Have film production classes in my high school i wasnt able to go out and buy a black magic camera just cause i wanted to #and then tell me why a few of them are going This is so gay... bc well her story is. old friends? be serious #but like yes im sure you people know gay people but why are you saying that... i didnt like it #i joined in on the joke cause well i felt my voice was most important there. given the lesbianism. #but god i cant stand how film guys will just treat u like shit um constantly and even if you politely peer to peer ask them smth #which honestly id rather kms than do but im an adult so if i dont know something i like to ask they just asked like such assholes #abby talks

[theclosetedskeleton]

ONE OF THESE DAYS IM GOING TO FUCKING EXPLODE/NEG

#guys guess who got jumpscared by the kosa bill again (me) #A FEW DAYS????? MY ONLINE PRESENCE IS DETERMINED IN A FEW DAYS???? kms/NSRS #the internet is like a safe haven for me if KOSA passes i may lose my marbles for fucking real #at least i have my qpps phone number #im not losing my qpp regardless of what bills pass #( i say this trying to be hopeful im so scared im gonna lose everything i have on here) #to top it off my ALREADY strict parents literally block so many things from me on their own I DONT NEED THE GOVERNMENT TOO #ive just been so stressed out of my MIND this past week the KOSA bill isnt HELPING. #i read a post abt KOSA a few minutes ago and let me tell you my heart DROPPED #back on the internet save haven place for me thing #it is literally the only place i can express myself like say that im trans because i dont trust anybody else angel emoji #AND ive met some of the most wonderful people on the internet #the fact that it could all be over because some 65 y/o politician says that we need to 'protect the kids' is so fucking messed up #like bitch you KNOW what youre doing you KNOW how bad this is you just want to control kids #into believing stupid things!!! why do you think LGBTQIA and mental health topics are being blocked bc of KOSA!!! #NEWSFLASH!!!! YOU WANNA POUR PROPAGANDA INTO PEOPLES MOUTHS #ughhh #closet rambles again on tumblr

[mcnuggyy]

how to be normal about my cousins 4 year old dragging my plushies across the dirty floor while I broom and mop the kitchen

#WAAAAA #callate guero #NOT EVEN MAD OR UPSET AT HER LIKE SHE IS JUST A LITTLE KID #BUT MY COUSIN AND MY COUSIN N LAW DONT EVEN TELL HER ANYTHING 😭😭😭 #😭😭😭 I know it may seem silly because I am a grown adult w plushies in my room but those are my items 😭 #it’s respect ykno 😔 #I also spent the whole day cleaning the house because everyone left and it was so bad…. #then again for reference this is the side of my family that is rich and can afford maids and shit so </3 #anyways #NO RESPECT FOR ME EVER EVER EVER IN THIS FAMILY #I AM BEING DRAMATIC BUT STRAIGHT UP I AM NEVER RESPECTED EVER AND I WANT TO KMS #no one respect my space my things my name my pronouns my kindness my patience #grrrrrrrrr #I can’t wait to leave and never come back </3 #SPEAKING OF IM SO MAD ABOUT MY PASSPORT I TOLD THE LADY THAT DID MY SHIT FOR ME #I NEEDED A NEW PICTURE AND WORE NICE CLOTHES AND EVERYTHING AND SHE REFUSED TO DO IT #AND SO NOW OFC THEY SENT ME A LETTER WHY DIDNT I TAKE A NEW PICTURE LIKE!!!! GIRL!!!! #so I had to go to staples get my own pictures done and mail it over to them… all because the lady who’s job it is to do so #wouldn’t do it…. like GIRL!!!!! #NO RESPECT FOR MY INTELLIGENCE OR MY ABILITY TO KNOW THINGS #SIGH. #anyways…

[sodrippy]

way too old and over it to still be annoyed by this but man it pisses me off that my parents straight up dont believe that my working out has had any impact simply bc i dont lose weight when i exercise like boy cant wait to see them again and immediately be told how fat i look 👍

#its so annoyinggggg i know i should just get over it but it feeds so badly into my body image issues and its like #it makes me frustrated w myself bc like why am i discounting all the benefits and positive change i live w daily just bc of them #like im iconic for breaking the weight obsessed cultural trappings on my own. even if some days it still gets to me vshfbr #its so annoying god the impact of working out is so tangible in so many ways i dont even care abt weight genuinely #its just this gnawing thought of like. but everyone in your family absolutely thinks less of you bc you arent skinny. #anyway whatever like do you want me to kms over it? too bad #having to sign off the rakshabandhan cards w my family name spun me out a bit i think sbfjencm oops

[713-4th-ward-g]

.

#now my aunt is in remission... #a lot is happening and i feel the loneliest I've felt since high school #I've only been getting worse since my family denied what i went through and sat there and told me i wasn't probably remembering it correctly #i know what it was like growing up even if it comes back to me in spurts.. #but they really have started to make me doubt myself and its the worse cause they never apologized for the neglect and abuse #and they all took their side and acted like i was mistaken and said “ i never saw it happened do it didn't happen #and now i dont even talk to the only two friends i had cause i dont feel the same #if i don't text them first they never ever message me first or even check on me #and im always the one being there for them and listening to them and im just tired lf it all #i dont want a future anymore and im slowly losing my grip ive held on do tight even at my loneliest and now i feel like im losing #i was never anyone's best friend and everyone of the people ive called friends were always closer to someone else #ive only always had myself but im losing hope for the future and i just feel so extremely empty again #i just want to end this feeling and the weed isnt working anymore and working out doesnt work... i need God ive been so far away from him.. #Im just slowly losing it more and more im tired of being the friend everyone goes to for advice and laughs or enjoyment #im tired of it so much #the only time i feel joy is the bliss i feel when i sleep and even that joy is never truly felt cause i constantly fight my sleep #i only sleep when my body forced it self to cause i can't naturally just go to sleep st s set time anymore.. #im so tired of being people's escape or advice person I'm probably only saying this for the overwhelming feeling #of being a colossal failure and disappointment even so i still try snd try and fail some more #why don't i quit I just dont know why its just something in me that has some glimmer of self hope ive only tried to kms once and failed #maybe ima bit glad i failed but apart of me laughs cause i even failed at kms and find it ironic cause i fail at so many things #im so incapable of salvaging some semblance of normality or consistency #Mr.inconsistent that i am and have been but i refuse to let myself end that way i have to fight for something even in this haze of mine.. #i just want to be better why cant i get better and stay good.. maybe it hurts more than i let on finally speaking of what happened #and for them to deny it may have really affected me a lot snd i am just now seeing it manifest it self now ... #i just gotta live with it and just TRY to do better every single day snd in every single situation snd action i take...