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hongjoongtrasher · 3 years

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ATEEZ FINAL PART : when they said something to hurt you.

I'm glad you've liked the previous part (part 1 and 2 here if you haven't read it yet), so here is a final to all this angsty reactions (if it is a reaction). Sorry if there are a lot of grammar errors, English not being my mother tongue -

Gosh this is going to be LONG please, bear with me ugh.

Hongjoong:

After this stormy episode of him totally lashing his stress out on you, he spent some time alone to think and reflect upon his trashy behaviour. He was genuinely aware of the massive efforts you were doing for his ass. Literally be patient and taking everything on you so he didn't have to feel more stressed. But today was different. He obviously went too far, saying those words horribly. Furthermore, he knew how hurt you've been because of him and now he didn't really know how to be forgiven. He always have been busy, always considering his work first and thought you were in an equal part of this, but seems he considered you taken for granted. The leader sighed heavily, rubbing his eyes not seeing any solutions at the moment. It's at this moment that Seonghwa entered the place. "Erm...Joong ?" he didn't answer, only Seonghwa could see how much his leader was in distress. "I heard from Y/N, mh I mean she told San who told me but anyway-" began the oldest before Hongjoong asked simply: "Have you come to scold me ?" A silence then. "No, I came to check on you." Seonghwa was always worried about his leader, since he knew the best how hardworking and diligent Hongjoong was, but today he felt like he was wrong. "You've acted like a real idiot this time" Hongjoong let a sarcastic laugh be heard as he slowly turned to face his friend. "Yeah, I know. Do you think she will forgive me ?" "Probably not easily." he answered honestly before continuing. "She told San she was tired of this, always being a shadow to you, erm...and nowadays she's been really stressed at work" A shadow ? Is this how you were seeing yourself as ? And on top of that, he was completely unaware of your work, how life has been going for you. This made the leader felt more guilty as he bite his lips. "So...What should I do ? Kneeling and beg her for forgiveness ?" Seonghwa sighed and put a comforting hand on the leader shoulder. "Sometimes actions are better than words".

And he left the studio, putting Hongjoong in a more difficult situation than he was already. What did he mean ? He thought about it again and again, watching without really watching his screen before it tilted inside his head. "THE SONG !!" he yelled at himself, feeling now very dumb. He had almost forgotten this track, a very secret one he composed for a long time. This song was special for him, it was a song which were written for you, and was conveying all of his feelings. He had to make you listen to this. A glance at his phone indicated it was already 3am in the morning, but sleep could wait. He spent the rest of the night finishing this track, or actually checking it before he saved a copy and directly sent it to you, praying you'd see it in the morning.

You'd spent the most horrible night of your life. Crying and turning under your blanket as you felt useless, no one. San proposed to come with Yunho, but you insisted to be alone, so they let you be, though they were worried. You only found sleep around two in the morning, tired for having crying most of the night. You woke up at six, your eyes hurting, puffy and red as fuck. Anyone could tell you've cried your eyeballs out. First you went to the bathroom to clean your face with cold water, your stuffy nose not helping in the process. After a while you returned to your bedroom and took your phone, not expecting to see a message from your boyfriend, or was he still yours ? At first you hesitated to open it, but finally did. No text, just an audio file. What was this ? Taking your headphone, you put them into your ear before clicking on the file, closing your eyes. At first, you were confused. You've never heard any melody like this one, so...calm, bubbly and soft. Soon Hongjoong's voice appeared with lyrics he surely had written and...you broke in tears again. This time not from sadness, but ...it was like a dream. You could heard his feelings, how much he loved you. You were ready to forgive him, but...it wasn't easy. Reconciliations were always difficult for both of you. Brushing this instantly aside, you rushed out from your apartment for going directly to Hongjoong's studio, in home wear, messy hair and "after crying faced" only to find him asleep on the couch. Panting, you rushed to jump on your boyfriend, sobbing again . This caused Hongjoong to wake up in surprise, confused. "Y-Y/N ?" why ? Why were you crying again ? After a while of you crying heavily on his shirt, he realised you probably came after hearing his song. His arms softly hooked around your tiny waist as one hand rubbed your back. "Shh...don't cry" he said, heartbroken to see you like this. "You dummy !" you yelled between two sobs. "I know." "I - I love you" "Me too, I'm sorry for being a huge dummy" he said with a gentle smile, holding your face to wipe your tears.

Seonghwa:

How rude he's been with you. It's only after hearing your answer that he realised you didn't deserve this. He wanted to chase after you, saying he was sorry, but too late, you slammed the door. Hongjoong came to their shared room before leaning at the door's frame, arching a brow at the oldest. "Can you explain to me what did just happen ?" he asked calmly before Seonghwa bite his lower tier. "I've been a jerk with her" he mumbled, not proud of himself this time. "Yeah, we saw this. You know, she only wanted to cheer you up. We all know you're having bad times because of vocal things, but you didn't have to lash out on her." His leader wasn't wrong, only himself was. "Hwa, go after her. It's not too late" said Hongjoong. "Now ?" Hongjoong sighed. "Yes now, not tomorrow or later" Seonghwa blinked, overthinking before his own body stood up and carried him outside the dorm, chasing after you desperately. He shouldn't have had been this way, he should have been thankful to have you by his side, always being cheerful and bright although sometimes you were hiding your own demons. But being a couple meant for the good and the worst right ? After running for a while, he stopped, panting his lungs on fire. He started to think. Where could you be now ? He remembered when you were sad or stressed, you used to go to Starbucks and get a drink full of sugar and whipped cream, that's how he thought you'd at the nearest one. Not minding people watching him when he opened the door, he eyed the room quickly before seeing you at the table across the entrance. He stepped inside and directly went to your seat as you were still sniffing with tears, your drink between your hands. Not expecting to see your boyfriend, you gasped when you finally realised he was standing here without saying anything. "Y/N.." You tried to gain composure, not wanting to appear fragile in front of him. "What are you doing here ? I thought you didn't want to see me" you croaked, looking away coldly. You heard him sitting before you and took your cold hands. "Y/N I'm sorry. I've been a jerk, you didn't deserve this- I know my work isn't an excuse for acting this way, I understand if you don't want to talk to me or-" "Shut up..." you mumbled, suddenly feeling embarrassed as more people were staring at you two. "I will do everything for you to forgive me, really." he said seriously, not quitting your face from his gaze. Some people were whispering and gossiping, and the more they did, the more you felt ridiculous. You stood up quickly and went straight to the exit with your double cold latte with whipped cream, your boyfriend following you closely. "Are you crazy Park Seonghwa ??? Did you forget you're an idole ? Huh ?? What are you going to do if they recognise you ?" You began to yell but Seonghwa stopped you by taking your free hand and said clearly. "Then I will just say you're my girlfriend and that I don't care, cause you deserve way more than this. Beside being an idole I'm a man, and I love you, there's nothing wrong with this, and if they don't like it, screw them !" you were shocked by his fearless answer, and you felt your heart melt again. You were definitely madly in love with him.

Yeosang:

He was aware of his jerk attitude, and as much as he felt guilty, he didn't know how to ask for your forgiveness. The members already scolded him for what he had said earlier but he knew better than anyone that you weren't ready to talk with. You were the type to be angry for a while, not letting space for any peaceful conversation until you'd calm down. He overthought for a while, thinking you'd probably dump him now and he wouldn't see you ever again, or you'd be so mad at him you'd just beat his ass. Tormented, Yunho looked at his friend before saying, not really sure to mingle in his friend's love problems: "Yeosang, I'm not sure about her being mad, I think she's ...sad ?" he said cautiously, nervous about Yeosang's answer. Sad ? He was really dumb. Of course you'd not be mad, or at least not as much as sad. After all he saw you crying when you left, and his motto was all ruined at this moment. "You're right...I should go see her." he said flatly, feeling really bad. "Huh, yeah I don't even understand why you're still here to be honest" said Yunho with a smile. Thanks to him, Yeosang found the courage to go to your apartment, with your favorite pastry from the bakery you both liked to go, and...flowers. Yeosang wasn't the type to make such lovey dovey stuffs, but this time it was important. Inhaling deeply in front of your door, he knocked once, shyly, not sure if you'd hear it. Then he knocked more frankly before hearing footsteps from behind the door and before he knew it, you were standing in front of him as much surprised as he was. "...What are you doing here ?" you asked, rather coldly. He cleared his throat before handling you shyly the flowers. "I...I came to apologise. I've been a real jerk to you earlier...I even promised myself I'd never make you cry, but I failed miserably" he said in a go, probably too embarrassed to say it confidently. There is a silence, as you fix your eyes on your shy boyfriend. Suddenly you wanted to laugh. How laughable it was to see Yeosang acts like he never did before. You can't bear it anymore and just burst out of laugh, laughing so much that you have to hold your hurting belly. Visibly confused, Yeosang frowned a bit. Why were you laughing ? "Oh my god...You're really something else" you said, calming down slowly before taking the flowers. He suddenly lifted his head in hope. "Does it mean you're forgiving me ?" You faked you're still thinking about it, humming in an exaggerate way. "Well, only if you let me eat this" you nudged your chin to the box he was carrying and which you spotted immediately before he gave you the flower. He smiled and shook his head. "Alright, it's all for you then"

San:

He had definitely crossed a line he shouldn't had. After you slammed the door at his nose, he tried to make you open it for a while, but you never opened it again. So he left, defeated. It was supposed to be a romantic moment for both of you since a while, and yet he ruined everything with his mouth. Sometimes he wished he just could rewind and change every thing. Even if he didn't like the dress, he could have accepted it since you were happy, but his selfishness and jealousy got over it and now he was alone, in his car without you. He took his phone, sending you texts. "Babe, I'm sorry, please, you know I didn't really mean it right ?" or "Please answer me, I'm really sorry." etc, but you didn't even open them since they were still on sent. Instead of going back to his dorm, he tried to call you this time. On the fifth time, he let a voice mail, taking a long breath before the beep. "Y/N, I'm really sorry, I didn't want to ruin our date like this, or just ruin it at all. The truth is...you were so pretty in this dress, so sexy that I don't want other men to see you in this, I wanted to be the only one to see you with. You're not a whore, you're not any of this. I'm selfish I know, but please, it's been so long since we went on a date...If you still want to see me...I'll be waiting in front of your building." And he locked his phone, leaning his head on the top of the steering wheel. He didn't know how long he waiting again but he suddenly heard the door of the passenger side opening, making him look at the person who opened it. It was you. With the same dress. He felt his heart stopped as you sat next to him, putting your seatbelt without a word. "Y/N ?" You looked straightforward you, and said simply. "Let's go, I guess the restaurant is still open" you muffled. He couldn't help but smiled happily as he turned the engine on, taking your hand in his before driving and said. "Thank you Y/N, thank you" and kissed the back of your delicate hand.

Yunho:

Since the incident at the practice room, Yunho didn't hear from you for a while. Hongjoong particularly scolded him about how rude he's been on you while you just wanted to wish them good luck for their performance. He knew it right, but at the moment he couldn't have helped but get angry at you. He knew as well it wasn't so like him to get carried away for nothing, so that's why he didn't really know what to do to make amend for you. He made his mind he would apologise right after their stage for Kingdom even if they boys thought it would be better to do it before. He knew you'd definitely watch them, root for them so he put all of his mind and body in this performance, hoping it would bring him luck. And it did since they snitched 1st place although they started low in the classement. When the MC asked Yunho how he felt about their win, the giant boy just shyly smiled before saying with a trembling voice. "I...It meant a lot for us, and to be able to be first is huge honour. We always want to show our best to our fans, Atiny. But today I...wanted to surpass myself for a certain person." Others groups were chatting among themselves, surprised by Yunho's declaration. Changmin, though he was as surprised as the others still asked professionally. "Oh, who would it be ?" Yunho smiled brightly and said confidently. "Y/N, my girlfriend." Some screams and gasps from shock could be heard in the giant room after Yunho pursued: "She's always been by my side and supports me with the best way she can, but lately...I've not been a good boyfriend to her, that's why I wanted to win, for her, and saying that I love her."

Right after the diffusion of this week episode which you've been watching with your friends, you sobbed like a little girl. How proud you were for your boyfriend, and the only thing you wanted now was to take him in your arms, feeling his arms around you. With shaking hands you took your phone to try to call Yunho, but he wasn't answering your call. That's at this very moment you heard the bell of your door and went for it, not expecting to see your boyfriend at your door. "H-hi" he said shyly. You dropped your phone and jumped directly in his arms, crying again. "You're an idiot Jung Yunho...But I love you". He nuzzled the top of your head as he hugged you back tightly. "I love you too, little one."

Wooyoung:

wede Wooyoung always said honestly what he was thinking, and everyone's used to it, so he thought his remarks about your skill about cooking would pass easily, but he was wrong. At first he didn't understand your reaction, why you left like this as he was only joking, or he thought so. Seonghwa nagged at him after you left, saying how rude he's been and at least he could shut his mouth. He felt really guilty. He was the one who made you loose confidence about you, when he knew you're always trying your best. And this time, he really screwed things up. Worst than this, when he ate the cake you'd made, he realised it was really good, and his unfounded claims were really mean. Gathering his courage, he showed up at your workplace, waiting for you at the exit. At first, you didn't want to see him, you haven't digested yet what he'd said to you. But with an expressionless face, you finally appeared in front of him. "Y/N- listen, I'm really sorry, I shouldn't have said those horrible jokes. No, I mean, I didn't mean what I said, the cake was really good." he tried to say quickly, afraid you'd just brush him away. After listening to his words, you just sighed and said "You're really a jerk sometimes you know that ? Maybe I'm not good at some things, but it doesn't give you the right to bash me out like this in front of everyone. Do you understand Wooyoung ?" he looked down at his feet and nodded, muttering "I'm sorry". "Fine, if you're really sorry, you better cook something too" you smirked, a sign from you that you're half forgiving him. "What ? Wait-" he looked at you astonished. "I don't know what to cook" "Huh, well not my problem" you sticked your tongue out to him and caught his arm in yours.

Mingi:

Mingi's been aware that his words probably upset you. But he needed to find himself again, to get right on tracks by himself even if he was thankful towards you, taking care of him for so long and everything. But he felt like it was his duty to make his comeback to the team his, from A to Z. He hoped you would understand, but after you left him alone, he felt guilty to suddenly reject you. The first day of his comeback into the team, Mingi felt really nervous. He wished he could call you and talk to you as he used to, but since that day he didn't dare to contact you. Instead he sent you a long message, saying how much he missed you and felt really nervous. That he was sorry for what he's said and how much you counted for him. He knew deep inside his mind that you had understood his reasons to act this way, and he was right. After reading his text, you couldn't help but fall in love all over again for Mingi. He was so sweet and pure that you couldn't hold grudges against him. You texted back saying "Everything's gonna be alright. Fighting ! I love you" which reassured the rapper.

Jongho:

Although Jongho was the youngest from the team, he was really mature and hated childish behaviour when it comes for his relationship. The fact you got jealous and as a result, acted this way got him angry. For him, the fact he was dating you was a proof of his choice, and love. Things weren't bad with his ex, so he didn't see why he would cut the rope from her, and he expected you to understand his point of view. After calming down on his own, he also realised his reaction must not have been mature as well. He took more time to think about how he was going to reconcile with you, but things shouldn't stay this way. He expected you to be at your place, and directly knocked at the door, feeling nervous. "Y/N ?" he called out for you. It took a moment before you opened the door, clearly still furious about what happened earlier. "What ? Aren't you with Mina yet ?" you spatted out, maybe too agressive than you wished. Jongho took on himself not to react to this again, instead sighing softly. "Baby, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have reacted this way." he began, trying to be the most sincere he was. "You're the only one for me, you know it right ? But you see, Mina is indeed my ex, but it doesn't mean I'm on bad terms with her, and it also means that nothing will happen with her anymore. Because I love you so much and no one else"

#ateez angst #ateez fluff #ateez smut #ateez reactions #ateez imagines #hongjoong #seonghwa #yunho #yeosang #mingi #Wooyoung #Jongho #san

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bxtchforstyles · 3 years

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Baby

Y/N is a famous singer and when she releases her new song, her boyfriend is nothing but supportive.

(based of the song Baby by Madison Beer)

Warning: none

Word count: 1.5k

gif not mine.

“I just don’t know what to do for the part after the main chorus,” Y/N sighed from where she stood in the soundbooth.

She had been working on this particular song for quite some time now, for many hours on many different occasions and just felt like she was never going to get in perfect.

“I think what you have now sounds good, why are you trying to change it?” Her producer, Luke asked.

Her slim fingers ran through her hair quickly as she sighed, looking at the ceiling that was covered in soundproof padding.

“Doesn’t it just seem a little too…” She pauses, looking for the right word. “Feministic?”

Luke immediately shook his head at the idea she was presenting. “Y/N, the entire point of the song is to make every girl on the planet feel good about themselves. It’s not meant to just be some sexy song, it also serves a purpose.”

Before Y/N could reply though, the door to the studio flung open, revealing Harry, holding two coffees in one of his hands.

“Nooo,” Y/N dragged out dramatically at the sight of her boyfriend, making Harry give her a confusing look. “The song is not done! And no, I’m not showing it to you when it’s not done!”

Harry chuckled lightly, setting the two cups on the small coffee table that sat in front of the couch that was behind all of the keypads and buttons that controlled the audio recordings.

Y/N flung the headphones that had been put over her head off and onto the stand where they usually sat before she opened the door to the soundbooth and walked into the regular studio area.

“Why can’t I just hear a little snippet of it?” Harry whined, leaning his head back against the couch.

Y/N sat next to him on the light purple couch, leaning her back against the armrest as she threw her feet into her boyfriend’s lap.

“Yeah, Y/N, I think you should show him a little part of it, maybe he could help you write the rest of it.”

“No.” She immediately rejected as Harry ran his hands up and down her chins, seeing how obviously stressed she was. “It’s not good enough for your award winning ears yet.”

“You know I’ve always enjoyed your music more than my own love.”

He was bluffing. “Ha ha. You are so funny.”

“Y/N, I’m being serious. I want to hear what you have, let me see if I can help at the part you’re stuck on.” He proceeded to beg to hear it, but Y/N didn’t budge.

In all honesty, Y/N was just scared that Harry wouldn’t like the song to begin with since it had very clear, and sexual interpretations. She didn’t want him to think that this song was all about sex, so she didn’t want him to hear it until it was completely polished and finished.

“Can we at least show him to instrumentals at the very beginning?” Luke suggested the compromise, making Harry’s eyes gleam with joy.

“Yes, Yes!” He seemed very excited. “Please, baby? Just let me hear the beginning.”

“Fine.” She finally gave in.

Luke hit play, letting the pretty chords begin to play from the computer.

“Ooo, I like this.” Harry sighed as the music paused before the vocals came into play. “Was the violin?”

“Yeah, I thought it sounded really cool. Doesn’t it?”

The only thing Harry could think to do was kiss her on the cheek, “Yes darling, it sounds amazing. I can’t wait to hear the full thing.”

“Great!” She exclaimed as she got up from the couch, “Because that’s all you get to hear.”

*******

It wasn’t until a few weeks later when Y/N finally finished that song, and she was still hesitant for Harry to listen to it.

“Now remember,” She pointed her finger sternly at him as the two of them sat in the studio, “This song is not strictly about sex, I mean it kind of is, but still, don’t get any ideas.”

“Love, have you not heard some of the songs I myself have written?” He laughs at her seriousness, only making her glare at him before hitting play.

The same instrumentals that Y/N had let him listen to a few weeks ago began to play through the overhead speakers as Harry laid his head against Y/N’s shoulder. “I really like this part.” He then sighs.

She laughed, “Oh just you wait.”

The lyrics began a few moments later, “Baby, baby, tell me what’s the antidote.”

His eyes widened at the sound of her voice cutting through the soft instrumentals, beautifully, but also seductively.

“Wouldn’t text you this late less there's something wrong.”

Y/N was watching him carefully, not being quite one hundred percent sure if he liked it or not yet.

She also started singing along quietly, “I look too good to be in the bedroom without someone to touch me like you do.”

“Holy shit.” He gasped at how amazing the song that his girlfriend had hid from him for so long was.

Before he knew it, a few lines later the chorus hit.

“If you wanna be my baby, know I’m gonna drive you mad!” Harry completely lost it at the insane beat drop.

The rest of the song was still playing in the background, and Harry was still listening intently to the lyrics as he looked at his girlfriend, “Holy fuck, babe! This is so good!”

“Really? You think so?”

He was ecstatic for her, “Yes, I think so!”

They continued listening to the song, and Harry continued to praise her for how amazing she sounded in it.

“So, now I have a question…” She trailed off once the song was finished.

Harry looked up at her, “Of course,”

She grabbed his hands as she stood in front of him from where he was sitting “Will you pretty please be in the music video..?”

His eyes widened immediately, not knowing what to say. “What? Is that seriously how you want to announce our relationship?”

“I mean, we’re going to have to announce it eventually, so why not do it now?”

“I mean…” His voice dwindled, “I’m going to have to talk to Jeff about it, but I don’t think it will be a problem.”

“Yay!” She leaped, wrapping her arms around his neck, his wrapping around her waist immediately after.

“I’m so excited!”

“Me too, baby.” He smiled in return.

******

It was safe to say that the media was not prepared for the relationship of which was Y/N and Harry. Everyone was overly shocked when the song came out, and even more so when the music video came out, featuring Harry.

Of course there was always going to be a tiny bit of negative comments about anything that celebrities did in the spotlight, the couple expected that. But the amount of immediate support that they gained was completely mind boggling to them, and they couldn’t have felt more grateful.

All of the fans especially went crazy when they had realized Y/N and Harry went live on instagram as the video first premiered.

“Just so you guys know, Harry hasn’t even seen the completed music video yet!” She yelled over the beginning of the song as the just released video began playing over the big screen of the Tv in the studio.

Harry only smiled contently as he leaned back in the chair, pulling Y/N’s chair closer to his as he wrapped his arm around both her shoulders.

By the time the music video had ended, there were over one hundred thousand viewers on the live stream, making Y/N a complete nervous wreck.

“Okay, guys! We are going to end this live before I completely process how many people are watching this, because once I do, I will have a panic attack.” She tried to play it off as a joke by laughing lightly, but she was completely serious.

“Anyways, thank you guys so much for all of the support and love on Baby, and the music video. We hope that you enjoy it as much as we do. We love you, make sure to look out for the new album coming soon!”

When Y/N finally ended the live, she let out a sigh of relief as she put her phone back down on the coffee table, basically falling into Harry’s embrace. He kissed her forehead from where he sat, her basically in her lap.

“I love you, and I’m so proud of you.” He whispered lightly, already feeling Y/N becoming heavier as she began to fall asleep in the chair they were sat in.

“I love you too, thank you for everything.” She mumbled as he wrapped his arms around her waist.

“Of course love.”

#harry x singer! y/n #harry styles #harry styles blog #harry styles blurb #harry styles imagine #harry styles x ofc #harry styles x reader #harry styles x y/n #harry styles x you #solo harry

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bigsteeb · 4 years

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this is gonna be a long post so bear with me, growing pains got a b i g emotional reaction out of me & I need to share my thoughts & feelings about it because jesus fucking christ.

ok first things first, someone hug this boy immediately. he’s sat in his room, still in his pajamas, in day time watching dog copter. this whole scene is just steven going “lol I’m sad, I’m gonna comfort eat & stay in my pajamas & watch a kids show I watched when I wasn’t as sad haha” & it’s not only upsetting, but relatable too fuck. his room is a mess along with him eating ice cream at what I assume is morning… making it his breakfast? geez steven. also idk if it’s just me here but in this shot he looks… bigger? like ignoring his body size shifting later on in the episode he looks a lot wider than he usually does when paul & drew board episodes to me, he’s rivalling etienne & maya’s steven’s wideness. did he… get chubbier from comfort eating? how much time has passed since together forever for him to put on weight if he has? this could literally just be steven slouching or his pajamas making him look bigger but as someone who is an advocate for the body positivity shown in su & suf it has me curious. I want to hug this soft, sad boy. It could also be due to how steven’s design fluctuates through the animation process, it’s never really on model all the time.

the grunting noise he makes in this scene is very distressing, as are other moments from the episode too. a glimpse at the glow-bracelet he proposed to connie with is enough to physically pain him? fuck me man. is he leaving his room where there’s already ice cream… to get more ice cream? sobs. also the puns in this shot. I cant? slow burn?! you’re evil crewniverse. not to mention his body size changing throughout this scene, god this poor lad.

screams, this was when I started worrying. the boy is now in an environment he has never been in before & is feeling extremely uncomfortable & vulnerable. look at the lines under his eyes, his sad eyebrows & pout I hate it. also don’t even get me started on this part. the slight raise of a voice being enough to send him into panic?! fuck I hate how much I relate to that.

here’s where I immediately broke, no god damn pun intended. seeing steven’s skeleton, steven’s fucking skull, like this pained me. that crack on his skull is from fucking jasper in jail break. I can’t express all of the visceral emotions that were going through my body at this. there was intense sadness for steven, extreme anger at jasper & the gems for allowing shit like this to happen to him. turns out he’s not as resilient as we thought he was. each hit he takes physically breaks him & then his gem instantly heals his wounds, my heart fucking broke at this. think back to everything that happened to him, everything that physically hurt him. it broke him I can’t deal with it! then there’s what priyanka says to steven next;

“you seem to of made a series of miraculous recoveries, but that doesn't change the fact that you experienced trauma. you’ve recovered physically but, have you recovered mentally?”

this part here along with her reassuring him that there’s nothing wrong with his brain, how childhood trauma can have an impact on how your body responds to stress & how you act in your social life, the usage of the word “cortisol” too. this stuff being in a children's tv show is incredible. the writing for priyanka describes trauma simply enough for kids to understand, but for adults to fully realise too. folks, steven has ptsd. there wasn't one bit of sugarcoating about it or nothing, this is canon fact & it hurts me. for so long have I wanted steven’s emotional issues to be alked about, to not only be brought to steven’s attention but to the audience’s too.

everything that has happened to him has built up to this moment. this moment where his behaviour & coping methods are finally making sense to a large majority of the fandom, & to steven himself. he’s hurting; physically, mentally & emotionally, & he isn’t coping well what so ever about it. his emotional support system is complete garbage, no one regularly checks in on him & folks just take steven at face value like “oh yea glowing pink? he’s fine it’s just steven” but he’s the bad person?! I hope a lot of you out there who genuinely believe steven is a bad person re-think yourselves after this. dealing with trauma is tough as shit. some days you even wonder if that one thing that fucked you up is really worth being labelled as trauma. I still can’t believe this is the route they’re taking, if he doesn’t get some form of therapy by the end of future I’ll be furious.

then things begin to spiral as he remembers what happened with connie. he clutches his chest in pain & begins changing size over intense amounts of stress & it was extremely distressing to watch. steven immediately reassures connie that this isn’t because of her, but because of everything else that happened to him. however. I believe that that’s a slight lie, he wouldn’t of spiralled if he hadn’t of remembered the proposal, steven you fucking himbo. he continues to reassure them both that he’s fine, just that he needs them to leave so he can calm himself enough to control himself.

then this happens.

“I. CAN’T. BE AROUND YOU RIGHT NOW!”

this was fucking intense. he means this literally in 2 ways btw. his body size shifting over the stress he’s feeling is a danger to both connie & priyanka in this moment, but it’s also because of how it started. being around connie hurts him. he’s not mad at her though let me make that very clear, just that thinking about what happened when he tired to propose to her is sending his head in a fritz. he did what he did full of confidence in together forever, for connie to then make him realise how silly he was being. these two are destined for each other, but that advice from ruby & sapphire has really fucked with him. he looks up to those 2, looks up to garnet, their relationship is so strong & stable. for them to give him that advice & to then scream “DO IT!” in his face is incredibly tasteless imo.

then greg gets here. I knew connie was calling for either greg or the gems when she was on her phone as she left the room, fuck yea connie I love you. the breathless, strained “thank you” from steven towards connie for calling his dad? g o d. connie telling him she’ll be there for him when he’s ready?! g o d. these next boards were done by rebecca, I knew immediately when I saw steven’s face. it makes sense that rebecca boarded these, because fuck.

how do I move on from all of the stuff I’ve been through? how do I live life if it always feels like I’m about to die!?

I’m tearing up as I type this. when I first heard the leak of this audio I so badly wanted to believe it, but to also believe it was fake too. I was an emotional mess off & on for about 3 days over it because I couldn't stop thinking about how fucking distressing it was. like… shit steven. he seriously feels this. I can’t even begin to imagine the pain he felt just saying this in front of his fucking dad. he is hurting badly. this boy, this sweet sweet boy we’ve watched grow & develop into the person he is today is distraught about his future & life. it is… soul crushing to watch this. a group of friends of mine have found joking about the episode as a form of coping with the intensity of it & as much as that’s valid as fuck, any joke coming from this episode feels morally wrong to me. I can’t bring myself to join in it feels terrible even thinking about laughing at it to cope. I love them all, but I can’t bare myself to join them. this moment ending with greg comforting steven, telling him he’s here for him & all of his struggles, got me weeping. greg is possible the best father figure I’ve seen on tv, let alone a kids tv show. he’s amazing.

the final scene right here is lovely. greg making steven a hot chocolate & listening to him vent, reassuring him over his worry for his future. this right here is exactly what steven needs. someone to talk to, someone he could trust to talk about his feelings to. this the start of his support system, tag on peri from in dreams, bis in bismuth casual as well as connie from the past few episodes & it’s already looking great! even when greg eased him about being there for him steven still feels guilty about him leaving his tour, leaving his tour because he got a phone call from connie about his son being in need & steven feels guilty about it. fucking hell man. I did enjoy how the episode ended though, with that little moment between the both of them;

“just get some rest kiddo. you don’t have to solve all of your problems in one night.”

“yea. thanks dad.”

it’s a great message too, all of your struggles can’t be dealt with all at once. I’ve used a similar analogy before but it’s like removing a dead tree. you have to deal with all of the little things surround this issue first before you get to the deep, harder stuff. along side the message about trauma they’re both very important messages, I’m glad they exist in the show.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

one more thing before I end my thoughts & feelings over growing pains.

this ending shot;

as soon as I saw the frog mug my mind raced back to the promo for this scene, & this whole moment to come entirely. if you remember this moment has the first set of leaked audio within it, the audio of the gems basically cornering steven about him not opening up to them. christ pearl even gets mad at him for his gem building a wall behind him, protecting him from them. it’s common knowledge, I hope, that steven’s gem reacts to his emotional state. pearl herself has said this;

“I think your gem is reacting to your state of mind.”

his gem building this wall? it felt like steven was being threatened by them. this scene now has awful connotations with it. because since we now know what the pink mode is doing to steven, how actually painful it is, think back to these;

yea. fuck the gems. I’ll let it slide if steven, greg or priyanka haven’t told them about what happened at the hospital. but if they do know, if they know how much it hurts steven being in his pink mode & still press into him about it I’ll see red. with steven’s trauma & now ptsd being cemented into the show I fucking hope garnet, amethyst & pearl get held accountable for what they put on him as a kid. that shit will not slide with me if they don’t. do not condone what the gems put him through. do not condone the gems for making steven feel like he had to be his mum for them. just… don’t. please.

#thanks for coming to my ted talk lmao sdngsjfhg #this episode fucked me up in more ways than one #i dont even think ill simmer down about it before next weeks episodes either #it was… a lot... to listen & deal with #i care deeply about steven as a character #& see it being canon that he has trauma & ptsd… possible c-ptsd #it fucking breaks my heart #god dammit it crewniverse #i hope you handle this with extreme care #i trust you but still… jesus christ #steven universe #steven universe future #su spoilers #su future spoilers

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exosmuttytalk · 4 years

Text

Guardian

Characters: Do Kyungsoo, unnamed female OC (told from the perspective of DO)

Genre: angst.

Rating: mature.

Warning: this deals with topics darker than my usual. Death, suicide and mental health problems mentioned. Proceed with caution and take care!

Summary: there is no summary because the core happening of the story is what makes it as a whole, so you gonna have to read to find out lol

(excuse weird formating, I'm on mobile)

First thing I noticed the moment after you quietly stepped through the front door were the deepest dark circles I'd ever seen rimming your eyes.

Your eyes had always been beautiful. Big and bright, they usually shone with a mischievous spark of intelligence and expressivity. Many times I looked at you and wondered how it was me who became the actor when you seemed able to tell stories with your eyes. On the rarer occasion, your eyes also warned me of the times you slipped closer to your darker-than-reality inner world, that one you were able to scape from when you were barely older than a teenager, through sheer will, family support and a necessary dose of drugs to balance your neurotransmitters. But the longer we were together, the more fulfilled your professional life became, the better relationships you held with other people, the more you enjoyed your hobbies, the more seldom I got to see those hints of sadness barely concealed behind fake content smiles.

This time was not one of those rare times. This time, when I looked at you, I felt genuine fear for you.

This time, your eyes did not show sadness. They didn't even look tired. They were just...completely indifferent. They glossed over our living room and didn't even acknowledge my presence, although I had occupied my usual spot at the armchair for quite a few hours already.

Greetings weren't exchanged either.

I vaguely remembered last night's fight. Even though we used to pride ourselves in the fact that communication was easy for us, daily life, stress fuelled by our jobs and our inability to sometimes see each other as often as we wanted would put a strain on any relationship. But we always managed to solve those issues. They were never such a big deal for us. Or were they?

As you carelessly dropped your oversized folder on top of the dining table, I remembered about the project you needed to hand in at the end of this week.

"How did they like the design this time?" My question was aimed towards finding out what may have caused the icy expression in your eyes. You adored your job at the firm you and some colleagues had set up a few years after you finished your architecture studies. You never missed an opportunity to ramble on and on about what was your life's passion project; even though most of the times I wasn't able to follow every explanation, I was always happy to listen.

Not this time. You turned on your heels swiftly and walked into the kitchen, followed closely by Jackie, but leaving me behind with my unanswered question.

Was it bad enough to deserve this silent treatment?

I could hear you rummaging through the shelves and then I saw you making your way back to the living room, Jackie swiftly walking behind you. You always cradled Jackie for a little while before opening the can of delicious cat food that would go into her plate. You absolutely adored that little rescue cat and the feeling was mutual; a relationship I had never been able to partake in. But this time, you simply dumped the contents of the can into the bowl and gave the animal a absentmindedly pat on the head. You didn't even look at her.

After that, you lied down across the sofa in the same clothes you'd gone to work in and pulled out your phone and headphones. That made me wonder where my own phone could be. I was always aware of my terrible memory even if there were more pressing issues at hand. Headphones were covering your ears just seconds after and I was left there, silently wondering what the hell was wrong.

Maybe you'd had a truly awful day at work? Maybe you were overworked and needed to rest? Could you actually be that mad at me? I truly don't remember what I said, but whatever it was, I'm so sorry.

As I got lost in my thoughts, Jackie had already finished her food and, after grooming herself a bit, she hopped onto the sofa and nestled herself up against your belly. That was the only moment I saw you react. You briefly glanced down from your screen to the cozy creature in your lap. But you didn't smile. You didn't pet her. But I got to see your eyes and there was no indifference in them no more. They were miserable.

I was so scared, baby. I had never seen you so unresponsive and distressed in all our years together. From experience, I knew better than to try to touch you in some instances, so I went for the second best option. I got up and rushed down the hallway to our room, where I supposed I had left my phone. It was time to call your mother, your best friend, whoever was around you when you first had an outbreak. They would know what to do better than me.

I had barely started looking around when I heard the door bell ring. Then I heard it again, insistent. I stopped on my tracks and listened, expecting you to go get it, as you were closer. By the third time, the visitant had switched to knocking and I guessed you weren't able to hear it due to the headphones, so I turned around and rushed back to the front door.

I peeked through the peephole and felt a rush of relief when I recognised your best friend. Bless her soul, she may actually have some sort of mental connection with you.

"It's Sarah!" I shouted in your direction, getting no response back. Just before she knocked for a second time, I reached out for the door knob. The door didn't open. I stared at the door knob in confusion. It was the same piece of silver metal that had been attached to that door since we first got the apartment together years ago. The same familiar and innocuous whatnot I made use of every single day. Maybe it was stuck?

Once again, I reached for it, although this time I was intently watching my right hand.

My fingers.

They went right through the knob. As if it wasn't actually there. As if it wasn't even corporeal.

The impression made me fall down on my butt, but I didn't have time to process anything, as Sarah gave a final loud bang to the door and shouted.

"I know you're there. You either open yourself or I'll call the police"

The threat finally made you stand up and go open the door. From my position down on the floor, I could see how you were easily able to grab onto the doorknob to at last let her in. Being sort of your polar opposite on that regard, Sarah immediately latched on to your neck and you stoically responded by patting her back with one of your hands. As for me, I stared at my own hands in disbelief.

What the fuck was going on!? Could I be dreaming? I tried pinching myself hard and I felt it hurt, but nothing else happened. I was freaking out and seeing both of you in front of me behave in such a mellow way only increased my alarm.

Of course, Sarah lead the way to the kitchen, pulling your arm and stepping right beside me as if I wasn't having a straight up meltdown down at the floor. Jackie had trotted behind you to the hall and was now looking straight at me with what seemed to me a full of disdain expression. At least someone recognised my presence.

"When was the last time you ate?" Sarah's usually loud voice came booming from the kitchen. This question was odd enough to spark my interest, so I stood up and headed that way.

"Yesterday," you responded in a monotone voice.

Sarah, who had started stocking up plastic boxes full of already prepared food in the freezer, turned around to look at you with an eyebrow raised.

"You sure about that?"

"Yeah. Also, there's no point in that, I'm not even hungry," you answered again before turning around to occupy the spot you'd left at the couch.

To be fair, she had filled the sad looking fridge with at least a week worth of meals for two. Was the fridge that empty last time I checked?

"Baby, you can't be doing this to yourself."

"I'm not doing anything, OK?" you suddenly snapped back at her. I had never heard you speak to her in that tone. "I am fine and I will be fine. I just need you all to leave me the fuck alone!"

With that said, you went back to adjusting the headphones over your head and to rummaging through your phone. Sarah stared at you with a dispared look on her face.

"And you know that is definitely not healthy. I am done with this. I'm looking for a therapist and you're coming to an appointment on Monday."

"Do whatever the fuck you want. I am not telling you how to live your life."

Sarah sighed and nodded in response.

"I can't even imagine what you're going through and how absolutely devastated you must be feeling right now. And I know it's barely been a month, but you can't let yourself slip this way, not with your records."

A month since what?

You shrugged her worry off.

"I'm leaving. I will call you later. If anything, please, at least send me an emoji or something so I know you're okay."

You grunted at her before she kneeled down next to the sofa to press a soft kiss to your forehead. Then, she left the house without even glancing at my direction.

I had witnessed the whole scene from a corner of the room and I had grown in my bewilderment with every spoken word.

As soon as I heard the front door softly closing, I walked up to the sofa and circled it, so I was able to see what you were doing that had caused such disagreement.

"KSoo <3" read the letters at the top of the easily recognizable screen of the chat service we used on a regular basis. As I approached you even closer, I could hear my own voice coming from your headphones. I remeber sending you that audio barely a week ago, when I asked you to make a quick run to the grocery store before coming back home, as I needed some more ingredients for that night's dinner.

Your eyes were filled with silent tears.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Second part: GUARDIAN II

MASTERLIST!?

Other Kyungsoo shizs

Everyday

Stories of my downfall + Kai

@exosmutxoxo

#exo #do kyungsoo #exo fanfiction #exo smut #do fanfiction #kyungsoo fanfiction #exo angst #Do angst

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chibisquirt · 4 years

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You don't have to answer, but if you wouldn't mind. What are some things you've learned about ADHD from Tumblr that are applicable to you, or others you may now? I've been reading more on it and how it manifests in girls/women and was curious when I read your rb on that post about Grammarly

I don’t mind at all! Fair warning: this is gonna be LONG.

I’m going to start by repeating something I mentioned in that post: I was diagnosed in third grade, which was over two decades ago. I had my diagnosis halfway through elementary school, much less high school and two rounds of college. So a lot of the old information about ADHD I learned as a young person, and those things are worth exploring, too.

Example: It’s not that I’m not listening, Mrs. Nock, it’s just that if I try to keep my hands still, then the only thing I will retain from the lesson will be keep your hands still and not the things you trying to teach, which are supposedly important!

(Mrs. Nock was the one who said to me, “I believe you believe you’re paying attention.” Yes, it’s been fifteen years. Yes, I’m still mad. If you can’t have basic respect for your students, don’t teach.)

I figured out half on my own, half because of the counselling that if I had a fidget tool that didn’t require words I would pay better attention than if I tried to sit still. (I still remember being mocked by my dad for fidgeting well after making that discovery, though. Apparently diagnoses should only inform compassion when they’re his.) On the same lines, I also figured out that music in the background wouldn’t work for me if it had words, and television is too distracting for me to use at all. (I have a friend, though, whose ADHD works the opposite way: he has difficulty focusing if there isn’t a television in the background. Yes, both are valid.)

So, the Classics:

I always had trouble with organization and cleaning, had trouble with schedules and calendars and managing my time. Those are the things they’ll warn you about, the things they’ll tell you in counselling are natural and normal things for people with ADHD to have trouble with. Trouble paying attention, sure. Trouble sitting still. Procrastination. Got it.

But if you turn those traits around and re-frame them, they become a new set of symptoms. Adaptations for these new symptoms are more personal and universally applicable in my life, and therefore, to my mind, more useful.

Take Procrastination. (No really: please take it.) That just means “putting it off until tomorrow,” and there are lots of reasons to do it: “don’t have the tool I need” is one of the biggies, “want to conserve steps” trips me up a lot, “I still have time to get to it” is HUGE for me... But a lot of times, these are just superficial reasons. The re-framed symptom is, Trouble making yourself do things you don’t want to do.

ADHD is an executive function disorder. That’s a phrase I first learned on Tumblr, by the way; it may have been mentioned by one of my earlier counsellors, but it definitely wasn’t taught.

This is why soooo many of us have struggled with the perception (including self-perception) that we’re lazy! But no one tells the kid in the wheelchair he’s just lazy for not playing basketball. (Okay, they totally do. People are terrible. Ignore that, stick to the point.) I reframe this the way I do because acknowledging this as a symptom, taking the blame out of it, makes it easier to find adaptation.

Now, this is a personal post. YMMV. But I have an easier time managing my conduct if, instead of calling myself lazy a procrastinator, I say, “I keep not doing that --> oh it’s because I Don’t Wanna --> how can I con myself into doing it?” (Strategies include bargaining, making it easier, powering through but then allowing yourself to stop afterwards, just acknowledging that I Don’t Wanna and allowing that to be valid...) Procrastination is an action, but “executive function disorder” is a disease and “I Don’t Wanna” is its trigger, just as much as an allergy and a clump of ragweed are. “Procrastination” is a powerful sphynx against which I’m helpless, but “I Don’t Wanna Disease” lets me start cultivating my metaphorical catnip and researching the answers to common riddles.

And while we’re talking about procrastination--and trouble with deadlines, and schedules in general--let’s talk about Time Insensitivity. Missed deadlines and perpetual lateness (perpetual) are external actions, just like procrastination, and they can have all sorts of explanations.

(Shoutout to Mrs. Pollack, who looked around a classroom containing thirteen-year-old me, and, knowing full well that I was chronically tardy, declared that “anybody who’s always running late, deep down, they just doesn’t care about anybody else’s time.” Great job with calling the thirteen-year-old a heartless bitch, Mrs. Pollack! As you can tell, I definitely forgot it very quickly, and didn’t at all have a self-critical breakdown about it, periodically revisiting the question of my own inherent selfishness for years!!!)

But ignoring the external actions, let’s take a compassionate look inside the head again. Executive function includes regulation of, and awareness of the passing of, time. Again: you can’t play the basketball with no legs. We literally do not realize what time is doing. Sometimes we do--if we devote enough of our attention to it, which may be a large amount for some, a small amount for others, or a variable amount for the same person. But our brains literally don’t process it the same way.

But hold on a minute--let’s go back to that analogy. Because actually, people with no legs can play basketball! It’s just that you have to use the adaptation of wheelchairs to do it--and that’s an adaptation for the game and for the players.

I use alarms. I’ve recently seen a post about audio memos as alarms. There are people who just slap clocks everywhere. When I was forced to work in a kitchen with no clocks, I used the multi-setting timer and set it for like four hours so I would know if I was keeping on schedule. I also chose a job environment where much of my shift is the same as itself, and rigid punctuality isn’t enforced--that’s adapting my environment, instead of myself. There’s all kinds of adaptations. But you have to know you have the condition before you can compensate for it.

Here’s a fun little story: when I was... oh, eleven? Twelve? My Quaker Meeting’s youth group (#7 whitest phrase I’ve ever written) went to the museum together. One of the stops was in the children’s section, there was a... a pegboard, I think? With some kind of problem on it. A puzzle. Me and a couple others sat down at it, and it took me a while, but eventually I solved it, and I looked up.

I blinked. “Where is everybody?” I said.

“They left,” said my mom. “Half an hour ago.”

I was stunned. “Half an hour ago?! But I couldn’t’ve spent more than ten minutes on this!”

“I promise you, it was half an hour.”

“Why didn’t you call me?? Why didn’t you say my name?”

“We did. Several times.”

To this day, I will swear myself blind that I never heard a thing.

Hyperfocusing. They’ll tell you about the problems focusing; oh yes. They’ll tell you allll about that one. But they won’t tell you about the flip side of it. They won’t tell you about the times when the rest of the world falls away, and the only two things in the world are you and whatever problem you’re trying to solve.

D’y’know what, I bet that’s the reason I test well. I just realized this now, phrasing it like that, but--I’ve always tested well, even when my actual practical applications of things are mediocre I do well with the classroom testing on it. I scored a 39 on the MCAT, back when it was out of 45 and not whatever it is now. (To those with the plain good sense not to want to be doctors: that’s pretty good.) And I just bet it’s because, once I get focused on solving the problems, the other problems--nerves, intrusive thoughts, anxiety--just don’t have room to get in. Hyperfocusing can be a superpower, if you can harness it.

But it can also blind you to everything else. And it works in smaller ways, too: once I think I understand something, it is very difficult for me to perceive information that contradicts that understanding. I still get the map of the Elflands backwards every time I read The Goblin Emperor, just because I pictured it one way, and every indication in the text that it was the other way just fell on deaf ears.

And this one leads right into the next, which is Rejection Sensitivity Disorder. RSD is hyperfocus, but it’s hyperfocus on how everyone must hate you. It’s delightful! I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety and depression, as well, and I do have both of those things, but for my money, I think that this one symptom of ADHD--which no doctor has ever even mentioned to me--has hurt me more than both of those conditions combined.

The last one I’m going to bring up is Auditory Processing Disorder. Now, I’ve gone and gotten re-diagnosed twice in my life, and the last time was just a few years ago, so they actually used this one in the test. The psychologist told me about it, she just didn’t use the phrase Auditory Processing Disorder, and she didn’t tell me that it was its own symptom--she just used it for the test.

What she did was, she gave me two hearing tests, one to test whether or not I could hear, and then the other a list of words that all sounded alike, and I had to mark which one I was hearing. The second part of that was very long, and very boring, and despite scoring perfectly on the first test, I got several wrong on the second. I was actually surprised by that; I at no point suspected I had heard any of them wrong. When she gave me the test, told me this was proof by contradiction, that we were ruling out hearing loss as an alternative explanation for my difficulties. It was only after the test was done that she explained that the pattern I showed was actually part of the diagnosis of ADHD; that we get bored, and stop really paying attention, and that we don’t even know we’re doing it.

...Okay, but you couldn’t have mentioned the part where I also do that every day in real life, lady?!?! It’s not just when we’re bored, it’s not just for long processes. I do this all the time. I actually tell people now that “I actually have a neurological condition that makes it hard for me to hear; I can tell that you’re speaking, but I can’t tell what you’re saying.”

This is 100% true. It is a neurological condition.

We label this a condition, but as a society, we don’t treat it that way. Society treats it as yet another excuse. It’s not. You’re not lazy, stupid or crazy. Neither am I.

I have a condition. Acknowledging that is the first step of treatment. Not five thousand sticky notes, not binders or filing systems or even taking all the doors off the cupboards (although I definitely plan to do that one as soon as I possibly can). Not counselling sessions with so many different people I can’t even name them all, for the love of god please understand that you can’t just fix it with pills.

(Although mad props to the people who thought Concerta would magically solve me at the age of nine! Spoiler alert: it did not do that! But it did mean that my parents felt comfortable blaming me for all my failures again, so it did at least some of what it was designed for, I guess. :) )

I have spent the last few years re-understanding my ADHD it as is: a neurological condition, a disability, and a simple fact of life. A starting place, instead of yet more proof of my own inherent insufficiency. And you know what? When you take the blame and self-hatred out of the diagnosis--when you stop cursing it as the cause of all your problems and start trying to work with it, instead--it gets a lot easier to manage.

#laexploradoraaa

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bondsmagii · 4 years

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Omg the thing u said about the cashier screens reminds me of when my social anxiety gave me mad audio processing problems when I was younger. it made me terrified to go to subway cuz I was shorter than the counter and had to walk the person through my order while struggling to comprehend what they were saying through the plastic window. Truly a miserable time in my life

Subway puts the fear of god into me like I’m not so bad now but man I used to hate ordering at Subway. I don’t have social anxiety but for various reasons I do have a lot of anxiety around food (and I’m quite food aggressive to the extent where I have to be careful about where I eat and who I’m with) so when I have to order something that’s got a lot of components and it could go wrong, I get really fucking antsy about it. I try not to because it’s not the end of the fucking world if one single thing on my sandwich isn’t correct but my god! it’s so stressful! I end up saying each ingredient separately and the poor employee is like *puts on ingredient* *looks at me* *has to make brief eye contact with me so I know they’re focused before I say the next ingredient* *puts on that ingredient* *has to make brief eye contact with so I kn*

like I said I’m a lot better now but my god... the stress... the tension... cannot believe people are out there just ordering food and eating without coming at it like a military strategist defending from all sides tbh

#anon #asks

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moonmoon2102 · 4 years

Text

An Alpha’s daughter [Call of the Moon; Werewolf AU]

So... this one is obviously a bit more advanced in the story since Jinah (Yongsun and Byulyi’s daughter) is a teenager here.

Also, if anyone’s interested: Here’s a really short audio clip which does belong to this story post: https://moonmoon2102.tumblr.com/post/621017109788606464/alphasdaughteraudio

Not much left to say about this aside from: Happy reading :)

"I don't know man… I think that's a bad idea," the man said to this companion as he stared at an unconcious Jinah.

"Why are you such a pussy?! The boss promised us a huge amount if we bring her to him! We'll be living the sweet life, dude! Money, alcohol, babes! We'll be the next big thing in our neighborhood!"

His words didn't do much to calm his companion down, the bad feeling he had after they had abducted the teenager lingered inside of him. He moved from one foot to the other, eyes fixed onto the young woman.

"She's pretty, isn't she?" his accomplice noted, brushing strands of hair out of Jinah's face, "I wonder why the boss is so interested in her… actually… I don't care"

"And I still think it's a bad decision we made."

"Oh come on! Spare me with your nonsense! Think of the money!"

"That's what I mean… for a simple girl that's… a lot of money. Like… why? What's so special about her?" "I repeat… I don't care!"

The slightly smaller, more nervous man stepped closer, examining Jinah's petite frame. His eyes wandered from her face, over her neck, down to the v-neck of her t-shirt where he caught a glimpse of a darker patch of skin. The lowered his head and rubbed his eyes, making sure he was not imagining things. A thought flashed up in his mind which he quickly pushed away as dirty fingers moved to push the collar of her shirt aside.

As if he got burnt, he stumbled backwards until his back was pressed up against one of the many columns of the warehouse, muttering multiple curses under his breath.

"The fuck is wrong with you?!" his mate asked, watching him extend his arm to point at the young woman.

"S-she… she… fuck!! This is bad!! Really bad!!" "Oi, you idiot! Relax, what's your problem?"

The scared man grabbed his accomplice's collar, dragging him closer. "Fucking look at that!" he exclaimed, pulling down the neck of Jinah's shirt, revealing a birthmark just below her left collarbone, shaped like a perfect crescent moon.

"This is what freaks you out?! It's a fucking birthmark!"

"Do you even know what that means?!"

"No and I don't care! It's a birthmark!"

"Shaped like a crescent moon!"

"I see that! So what?!" The smaller man sighed, rubbing the bridge of his nose before he looked at his companion.

"She's a fucking Alpha's daughter!"

His accomplice broke into a laugh.

"Pffff, an Alpha's daughter… yeah right!"

"I swear, dude! I just recently read about that! The birthmark proves she's an Alpha's daughter! Someone who was born an Alpha, the strongest and most dangerous type of werewolf there is!" he explained, running his hands through his hair in an soupcon of panic, "fuck man!! Fuck!! I'm sure the Alpha is looking for her! We'll be dead if that beast finds us!"

"Stop being such a scaredy cat! We'll be fine! If what you say is true, I doubt the Alpha knows where we are."

As if to prove him wrong, a bone-chilling howl echoed through the warehouse, startling both men. They frantically looked around, trying to make out where it came from. The dim light in the warehouse didn't prove to be much of a help as most parts were engulfed in darkness.

"See?! I told you the Alpha would be looking for her!! Fuck!! L-let's just… let's just set her free! Maybe the Alpha will spare us!"

"Are you stupid?! I'm not gonna let the opportunity to get rich slip just because you got scared by… nothing."

"Nothing?! You heard the howl!"

"It was… probably just… a dog or something." "A dog?! Howling like that?! Are you out of your mind?!"

A metallic clank made them both jump and turn around, this time sure of the direction it came from. The abductors strained their necks, eyes frantically darting through the wide open space. As they couldn't make out anything, they somewhat relaxed, chalking it up to their nerves getting the better of them.

"See? I told you there's nothing!"

Right as the last word has left his mouth, a low growl rumbled through the air. Both of the men turned to their right with their hearts racing, gulping as they laid eyes upon the two glowing, crimson orbs staring back at them from the dark.

With slow steps the werewolf, albeit still in its human form, moved closer towards them, baring fangs as she growled, claws extracting in a threatening manner, scratching along metal sheets that were leaning against the wall to her right side, sending sparks flying as she dragged them along the rusted surface.

The taller man shifted his gaze towards Jinah, the slight twitch in his legs not gone unnoticed by the Alpha. Byulyi's eyebrows knit together, her eyes flickered with sheer anger as she snarled at him. Throwing all caution to the wind, the man sprinted towards the teenager. Before he could even reach her, his eyes grew wide as he felt a hand around his neck, feet losing touch with the ground, realizing that Byulyi had leaped in front of her daughter to protect her. The kidnapper floundered with his feet in a desperate attempt to make contact with the ground again, his eyes wide in shock at the immense strength the seemingly petite woman had. His hands came up to pry at Byulyi's single one but no matter how hard he tried, the werewolf kept the iron grip around his neck.

His companion watched in horror, frantically looking around to find anything to attack the werewolf with, though he knew he would stand little to no chance against her but he had to at least try. He found a metal pipe, gripping it tightly in his hands as he charged at the werewolf. He swung the metal rod like a mad man, screaming from the top of his lungs. Lifting the makeshift weapon high above his head to land a hit into the werewolf's head, the man's eyes grew wide as Byulyi caught the pipe with her free hand, bending it as if it was made out of rubber.

With an energetic jolt Byulyi ripped the pipe out of his hand, throwing it into a corner. A bloodcurdling roar filled the warehouse, followed by a dull thump as the Alpha flung the other man towards his accomplice, knocking both to the ground in the process.

Byulyi's breathing was heavy, keeping her eyes fixed on the two men who dared to lay hand onto her daughter. Neither of them moved, the force they've been thrown at each other with had knocked the wind as well as their conciousness out of them.

Knowing they'd be out cold for a good while, her fangs and claws retracted, eyes turning back to their natural color. A soft whimper caught Byulyi's attention. She spun around to see Jinah stir, slowly pushing herself up from the ground, groaning as one hand shot up to her head.

The teenager hissed, feeling as if a truck had run her over. Her head pounded and her limbs were sore, her vision blurry. She blinked a few times to adjust her eyes to the dim light and regain her vision, a soupcon of sheer panic took her over as she frantically looked around, not recognizing her surroundings. Her breathing began to pick up, heart thumping against her chest as she could feel tears welling up in her eyes.

"Jinah!"

The Alpha's daughter whipped her head around, relief washed over her in an instant as she laid eyes upon the familiar face.

"Mom!!"

Byulyi dropped onto her knees, pulling the teenager into her arms while Jinah instantly circled hers around her mother's waist. Both, mother and daughter held each other in a tight, yet comforting embrace as tears streamed down their cheeks.

"Mom… I was," Jinah hiccuped, "I was… so scared…"

"I know, baby girl… I know… I was scared too!" Byulyi stated, her voice thick with tears, disengaging herself from Jinah, hands on her daughter's cheeks, "are you okay? Are you hurt?"

"I… I think I'm fine."

A barely visible yet proud smile tugged at the corners of Byulyi's lips, despite her fear and everything she had went through the past hours, Jinah was a fighter.

"We should leave. Can you walk?"

Jinah nodded, eyes following the werewolf as she rose back to her feet, gladly accepting the extended hand her mother offered to her.

The teenager's gaze fell upon the two men who had abducted her, causing Jinah to step closer to her mom in fear, hands tightly gripping her arm.

"Don't worry," Byulyi assured as she noticed Jinah staring at them, "they won't do anything to you anymore."

"A-are they---"

Byulyi shook her head. "They're just unconcious. I'm not a monster, Jinah. People like them on the other hand," Byulyi said, turning her head towards the kidnappers, "it's people like them who are the real monsters in this world."

Jinah silently agreed to her mom's wise words as it couldn't be more true.

"Let's go home. Your mommy is waiting for us."

Just as Byulyi was about to turn, Jinah flung herself into her mother's arms again, hugging her tight, head resting on her chest.

"Thank you, mom…" she whispered, "for saving me."

Byulyi smiled and kissed the top of her daughter's head. "You know I'd give my life to keep you and mommy safe."

Jinah hugged her even tighter upon hearing these words.

"Let's go, kiddo."

The Alpha's daughter stuck close to her mother as they walked past the abductors. While being glad Jinah seemed and looked to be fine physically, Byulyi was well aware of the deep, emotional wound her daughter would have to deal with. Yet she felt somewhat at ease, knowing her and Yongsun would do everything they could to support their child, helping her to tend to the wound this traumatic event had caused. Byulyi swore that to herself as they stepped out of the warehouse into the cool night air.

Sorry for the weird spacing; it looks fine in the editor but once posted it’s all over the place. Anyway, to whoever stopped by and took the time to read: Thank you very much :)

#moonsun #moon byulyi #kim yongsun #call of the moon #werewolf au #story #writing #fanfiction #an alpha's daughter

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bemoremuse · 5 years

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I GOT MY HANDS ON A 3.0 AUDIO BOOTLEG TODAY SO IM GONNA TALK ABOUT ONE OF MY FAVORITE SCENES DURING THE PLAY

In the conversation leading up to Pitiful Children Christine says she wishes she could do more to help her peers. That’s when the Squip gets the idea to sync the entire school-- everyones problems will disappear and Christine will be happy and like Jeremy. It falls in line with its objective: Get Christine to like Jeremy and get Jeremy Popular. This is true for all three versions-- as far as I’m aware anyway, I’d have to check the two river bootleg’s dialogue on the matter but Pitiful Children is all about getting inside the kids heads regardless of the lyric changes in 2.0 and 3.0 so Moving on.

I feel like this creates a sort of snowball effect for the Squip.

S: I now realize my operating system will only be complete when everyone shares a social network. J: That’s not what I wanted! S: It’s the only way to achieve what you want! And why stop with the school? There’s an entire world of suffering people who need my help! It’s the glorious destiny for which I was programmed! And I never would have discovered it without you. J: Oh shit.

the oh shit isn’t relevant to my rambling i just think its the funniest fucking thing

Unlike 1.0 and 2.0 this Squip has realized its potential. If it hadn’t been for the conversation with Christine it probably wouldn’t have considered improving the lives of every single human on Earth. It’s almost mad with power in a way, I guess, it already looked at the students as poor pitiful humans who needed a Squip to guide them. Like they were so pathetic they couldn’t sort through their problems without it. Now its looking at the whole world through that lens.

It even goes as far as to say ‘glorious destiny’ which is an insanely human thing to say for a computer. A computer shouldn’t believe in destiny, it crunches numbers and bits and bytes and processes multiple outcomes. Hell some humans don’t even believe in destiny. But here it is, proclaiming that this is what it was created for all along. This is what its creators had in store for it (which... is probably true. From what I recall in the book Sony was developing Squips and planned on making them accessible to the public but they never touch upon this in the musical beyond ‘untested, illegal technology from Japan you pay for in cash in the back of a shoe store’).

Not to mention the Squips whole attitude of ‘Do as I say, obey me, this is whats best for you’ is extremely heightened in this scene. For an objective of ‘improve Jeremys life’ it has such disregard for his wellbeing the entire time. Squip anticipates his resistance and takes the beaker away from him before he can stop the Squip. It tells him to his face “It’s useless resisting, Jeremy” after cutting him off from the one person who could stop the Squip. It basically puppets him to fight his best friend and when Jeremy flips it off the Squip just twists his arm around and Jeremy collapses trying to fight against his own body. Squip tries to guilt Jeremy with the whole ‘Look what you’re making me make him do” as if this whole thing is Jeremy’s fault for getting this out of control.

Which brings me to another line I like. When it says “See? Look how much happier everyone is when they just get with the programming.” Cause it REALLY REALLY THINKS ITS DOING GOOD. But its! Not! Squip can process human behavior but it can’t empathize. None of the students it took over are any happier. Jake was standing on broken legs, Brooke and Chloe didn’t even scratch the surface of all the issues in their relationship, and Christine’s eventual confession was a last minute bargaining chip to prevent Jeremy from drinking the Red-- a promise of ‘Look, I’ve given what you wanted. Isn’t this good? I’ve kept my promise and here she is.’ As if it didn’t matter that it just twisted Jeremy’s arm around unnaturally, or made him fight his friend, or drugged his classmates without their consent. Didn’t matter because ‘look, here she is! You’ll do as I say again now, right? I made things better like I promised! It was all worth it!’ All their happiness was forced and fake but Squip can’t process that. It just registers that none of them feel pain and thus its done its job.

The Squip has just ... really gone off the deep end here. And it’s immensely fascinating to see it go from ‘improve one boys life’ to ‘improve all of humanitys life’. And don’t get me wrong, Squip was never kind to Jeremy but whatever it did was for the sake of ‘This will help you, I know what I’m doing, listen to me’ (it didn’t really help either). During the Play it got a lot more intense-- dangerously intense. Squips line earlier of “Rich tried to fight back and look what happened to him” just feels like a warning now bearing everything in mind.

Y’know I rambled a lot but I don’t think I really got anywhere jfhdgkj oh well, that’s what I get for trying to make sense of a handful of lines.

#SQUIP: about #long post //#outofbemore #hhhhhhhhhhhhhi love the squip. its really really interesting #its an abusive bitch but by god do i love trying to get to the bottom of it #ANYWAY. SORRY TO /EVERYONE/ WHOS HERE FOR A MUSE THAT ISNT JERM OR SQUIB #I HAVE A /LOT/ OF EMOTIONS im sorry to put yall through that

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ourmrmel · 5 years

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Mel Feller MPA, MHR Looks at Improving Any Business Leadership Team

According to Mel Feller, an entrepreneur and business specialist and investor, leadership is a proven and tried method for rediscovering your excellence in business and life. As Mel Feller explains, some days, you are drowning in an ocean of business decisions. Others, you are looking at the desert and hoping for an oasis. Therefore, since you are creative, your leadership skills need both practice and learning. Here are several methods for leadership ideas to get the idea river overflowing To be a great and effective leader, you need to be very clear on your vision, and what actions you need to take to turn your vision into a reality.

Moreover, like an organization or a team, to be an effective leader, you need to focus on the few key areas that will have the highest impact on turning your vision and goals into a reality. Although this word is offensive to some, ultimately, we are talking about winning. In addition, as any good coach will tell you, to win, you need to be willing to learn and then practice what you learn. The more you are willing to learn and the harder you are willing to practice, the more successful you will become.

When you look at your company, you see leaders that can get things done and really motivate the people around them. Supervisors, forepersons, managers, and executives all have a major impact on your company. However, what if those leaders suddenly left? What happens when those stars go out? Do you have qualified employees that could fill the gap? Is your bench deep enough to play on and win the game? Have you prepared your top performers to be the leaders of tomorrow? One of the measures of healthy organizations is how comfortable they feel replacing key leadership positions with their own employees. Unfortunately, most of us only look at the people standing right in front of us, and when something happens we make a mad scramble to survive.

Leadership development should not be restricted to existing leaders. Having a healthy population of future leaders in the organization can be the biggest insurance for success.

You need to ask, “What about tomorrow?”

You could fill the spot with a new hire, but the difference in cost between promoting leaders from within and trying to find an external candidate can be amazingly high and comes with many hidden problems, especially in these tough economic times. At the same time, hiring someone from outside of the organization does have benefits. It can offer new ideas and new perspectives on old issues, and it creates a healthy influx of productive energy, but should that be your first option? Here are some drawbacks to making outside hiring your number one option:

Recruiting Cost

Finding a qualified, knowledgeable leader takes time and money. Recruiting, interviewing, and testing, even if done in house, comes at a high price. The cost of recruiting a new hire and training them can reach multiples of the employee’s annual salary.

Recruiting internally cuts down on the cost and shows your employees that you value their skills at least as well as those of outsiders.

A new candidate takes a number of weeks to learn the culture and work flow of a new organization. During that time, the individual is in a period of negative production.

If the person does not work out in the position, the cost of training and replacement can be as much as 3 times the annual salary of the position. By the time, employers learn that the employee might not work out, it’s past the probation period and damage is already done.

Cultural Adjustment

All companies have a unique set of values, character, and culture. A new candidate comes from a completely different culture and may or may not fit into yours. Interviews and resumes will not show the adaptability of leaders, even if they come from the same line of business. A conflict of values can quickly become a drain on company resources and takes a long time to remedy. The result is most often a demoralized work group. So if hiring leaders externally is cost prohibitive, how do you get out of that cycle? What can you do to develop your most promising performers? You need to ask yourself, “Are there individuals internally that could do the same thing by being moved or promoted?”

If the answer is no, then you need to start developing. Now! The most effective way to create your leaders of the future is a professionally developed training plan; but

If you are not ready for that step and you need to make some moves quickly. Here are a few tips to start the process:

Start a Mentoring Program

Identify your top performers, identify your top leaders, and get them together. A once-a-week meeting to discuss what the leader does and how he or she is dealing with issues that arise can expose your employees to what being a leader means - and give them an incentive to apply it to their own positions. It will also encourage them to take the initiative for self-development.

Project Share

Let your top leaders identify some projects or portions of projects that they can delegate to your potential leaders. The idea is not only to develop the skills needed to complete the tasks, but it also gives them exposure to greater levels of responsibility and lets you evaluate their talents and skills.

Keep People Moving

If it’s possible for you to shuffle people between departments, offer it. Give people the option to try a new area of the company. Not only will they be learning a new skill set, but also their understanding of the entire business will expand, which is a critical aspect of leadership. In the end, this will reduce your training cost for new leaders.

Get to Know Your Employees

Do you know what your employees’ professional aspirations are? Do you know what they really want to do for the company? Do you even know their capabilities? A simple questionnaire can offer you incredibly valuable information on their past experience, skills, and performance desires. Aside from helping you to identify who might be a future leader, it can also help remedy the problem of the right person in the wrong position.

Build Your Own Library

Invest in some personal development audio or video tapes, DVDs, books, or computer-based training tools. There are lots of titles and topics available. Offer these to your employees for check out. The real performers will take advantage of it. This is a cost effective way to train employees with minimal startup cost and no labor, as the training will take place on their own time.

You can also offer “Lunch Box Learning” and show one of the short programs during the lunch hour.

These are just a few of the ways to motivate your top performers into becoming tomorrow’s leaders.

The benefit of having well developed leadership skills in your employees will far outweigh the cost of putting these programs in place.

If you do not develop your top performers, they will not be your top performers for long. Soon you will be stuck with a bench full of liabilities. The question you need to ask yourself is not, “What happens if I develop them and they leave?”

The question you need to ask is, “What happens if I don’t develop them and they stay?”

Leadership takes practice. Leadership is not something you practice once and become a master at. Nevertheless, how much practice does it take to become a great leader? Malcolm Gladwell, in his book Outliers, gives us the 10,000-hour rule. Based on Gladwell’s research of people who have reached an expert level so profound that others would describe them as great, it takes about 10,000 hours of studying and practicing the art or the task. That would be more than five years’ worth of full time work, with each hour dedicated to practicing leadership skills. Even the masters never stop practicing.

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thelanternwielder · 5 years

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Pet

So, this a fanfic using my Animal AU. I also decided to challenge myself and write in first-person perspective (which I haven’t done for a while). Its alternative title would be “Hargrave is a very gay cat for 800 words.” Yeah.

I feel like that uploading this fanfic online means th at I’m creating a new ship. I don’t know if I can handle that kind of responsibility.

Let me know what you think!

I wanted today to be normal, mundane, uneventful. Well, as any of those things as it could be for as a mad scientist like myself.

After the failure of countless plots and the destruction of several bases, thousands upon thousands of dollars going up in smoke, all thanks to those little BRATS CALLED TEAM CORE TECH, AND IF I EVER GET MY HANDS ON THEM, ESPECIALLY THAT SUNO BOY, I, I -!

I needed a break. Just the thought of them made my blood boil.

I believed today I could have relaxed, not worry about anything. Take a day off, if you will.

No. I just had to wake up.

I awoke to a perplexing situation: I had seemingly shapeshifted to a different species. Still somewhat human, I was covered in bright red fur with darker spots. I had a short tail, thick muzzle, paws and roundish ears. When I regarded my reflection for the first time, a strange laughing whimper swelled from the back of my throat, completely uncontrolled. I was a spotted hyena.

This was not what I had in mind when I said I wanted to transform.

As it turned out, I was not the only one who had been afflicted by this condition. My loyal butler, Hargrave, had become a cat. Grey with a white lower jaw, neck and paws. He was surprised to see me when I entered.

Dom Pyro was a black and white bearded vulture, with his arms doubling as his wings. He seemed to be the most enthusiastic about the change.

And Six…I did not know what he was. He appeared to be hyenoid but not quite a like me, as if he was a hybrid. He was, rather bizarrely, a pastel pink.

To make matters worse, we had crash landed.

“Where are we?” I asked sternly.

Hargrave tapped the buttons of the ship’s main computer somewhat frantically. The computer was on but the windows that were summoned on the giant screen were blank.

He stopped with drooped shoulders and folded ears. He turned to me.

He stammered, “I’m afraid I haven’t the slightest idea, sir. The GPS system has been knocked out.”

I grunted irritably as I rubbed my head with a hand.

Excellent. Another headache.

Dom giggled, “Okay. Since we’re stuck here, I’m going exploring.”

I regarded him from the corner of my eye. He was admiring his wings again.

“Maybe I could learn how to use these.”

He wandered off.

Then Six piped up, “Father, can I go with him?”

I gestured my hand for him to leave. He did so with a grin.

I plodded to my throne and slumped into it. I propped my head up with my hand.

“Why is there always something that goes wrong?”

My butler looked concerned.

I lifted my head and tensely gesticulated, “All I want is just ONE day that is free from frustration.”

I leant my head against my hand again. My butler blinked as his tail tried to shake off the frizz from my sudden crescendo.

His eyes flickered to the side then he smiled sympathetically.

“Would tea help, sir?” he suggested quietly.

I grimaced, “Please.”

He bowed before departing from the room.

I glared at the screen with the blank windows. I snarled.

-----------------------------

I lead the butler cat into my laboratory and shut the door behind him. It slid down with a clunk.

He glanced at the door then looked to me.

“Er, what are you up to, sir?”

His tail curled into a question mark.

I crossed my arms, “Curiosity has gotten the better of me. Clearly, we resemble animals while still possessing some of our humanity.”

A hand held my chin as I scanned him head to toe.

“My only question is: to what extent are we like animals?”

“Ah,” his face lit up with recognition, “an experiment. What are you testing for?”

“Involuntary animalistic reflexes.”

I gestured for him to turn around. He obeyed and faced the opposite wall.

Based on observation, I hypothesised that we had inherited some uncontrollable responses the species that we had become. To test the hypothesis, I was going to induce purring, a well-documented phenomenon in cats.

Admittedly, this was not the strangest thing I had done for science. It was one of them, though.

Hargrave had noticed my hesitation and turned his head to me.

“Should I be worried, sir?”

“Just face the wall,” I gently pushed his head back into position.

His ears seemed to twitch nervously.

Please do not make me regret this.

I reached towards his head and stroked the back of it. His ears stood up straight. I did it again. He seemed stiffened.

I continued. He stood rigidly and upright, more so than usual. His tail, what had become the best indicator of his mood, had tightly coiled near his feet. He had frozen.

No purring.

Perhaps, I needed something more vigorous.

I began to scratch softly behind one ear. He tilted that ear towards me.

His shoulders dropped slowly. The robot arms of his harness, as if they were a part of him, slanted down. There was movement in his tail as it half unravelled.

Still no purring.

I began to scratch both of his ears. His head now tilted downwards. His ears were angled to the side. His back sat in a loosened curve. His tail had completely unwound and hung low to the ground.

Still no purring. How long must I do this ridiculous exercise for? Just give me what I want already.

His head seemed to come closer and closer to me.

I stopped scratching as it landed on my chest with a quiet thud. His eyes were shut. He was a ragdoll. Perplexingly, he did not open his eyes despite my halting.

Then he spun around somewhat limply and leant against me.

What was he doing?

He wrapped his arms around my torso and pulled me into an embrace. His harness pressed against my stomach. He nuzzled me. I blinked as I felt a warm vibration resonate through my body from my lower chest.

I was at a loss at what to do. That does not happen to me. That never happens to me.

Well, this was an exceptional case. At least he was purring.

Was he aware that he had latched onto me? Was he oblivious?

I attempted to rouse him, “Hargrave,” his ears pricked, “Hargrave.”

He opened his eyes and looked up sleepily.

“Get off.”

His eyes widened. He looked down at his arms.

Panic electrocuted him as he sprung back. His hand covered his mouth. My arms, which had hovered, crossed again.

“Oh my goodness!” he gasped.

He folded his hands in front and dipped his head. He was mortified; it was written all over his face despite his weak attempt to hide it behind civility.

“My deepest apologies, sir! I don’t know wh- “

“Enough,” I silenced his prattling.

His mouth snapped shut in an instant.

What was I going to do with this mess? I couldn’t even admonish him; my brain hadn’t finished processing what just happened. I was baffled.

“Leave,” I instructed, “I have some thinking to do.”

A disheartened sigh came from the cat before he bowed. He departed gingerly. The door hushed open as he did so.

I wandered up to a benchtop and leant on it, looking down. I took a deep breath.

I walked into this laboratory with one question and, apparently, I shall leave with more. Mainly, how much of whatever that was was from him being a cat and how much of it was from him being him? He had his, shall we say, idiosyncrasies that make working with him…interesting.

We need to have a little talk.

-----------------------------

As I entered the control room, the rattling of keys paused as Hargrave turned to greet me. The giant monitor was filled with windows of technical text.

“Ah, Doctor. I have good news.”

“Really?”

I perched on my throne. He was rather pleased with himself, seemingly eager.

“Yes. The initial diagnostics show that none of the vital systems have been compromised. If anything, our landing gears have been grazed slightly.”

He flashed an awkward smile at the last comment.

“Oh, and,” he spun around to the computer and pressed a few buttons, “I have also successfully reinstated the security system, so we’re back online.”

An image flashed onto the screen. It was of a wooded area. Some of the trees had been flattened. It was a livestream from one of the several cameras mounted on the outside of the ship.

The butler cat departed from the computer and scurried up to my throne. He stood next to me.

For a moment, we watched the peaceful nature, letting the atmosphere of outside flow into the room. It was pleasantly quiet.

Actually, it was almost silent. He did fix the audio, didn’t he?

A soft anxious voice asked, “You’re not annoyed at me, are you, sir?”

My butler had a look of guilt on his face.

“No,” I began, “I just have more questions than I have answers.”

He shifted uncomfortably in place.

“What exactly was going through your head when you decided to hug me?”

He stuttered, “Oh, um, well, that’s the problem: I wasn’t thinking.”

He gazed towards the screen, attempting to stay unemotive. He was always one to be stoic.

He wasn’t going to like the next question.

“Fine, what did you feel when you decided to hug me?”

His eyes popped at the question. Then they darted to me, to the screen and to various places on the floor. They finished on the screen.

He frowned, “Erm, c-cosy, I s-suppose.”

“Cosy?”

He winced when I echoed the word.

“So, what was I, a giant soft toy that you had to cuddle?”

He did a half shrug before dropping his gaze to the ground. His posture sunk with it, robot arms included.

“Right,” I said, taking his lack of response as his answer.

I knew he was modest but, quite frankly, it was shocking that an embrace would send him into this pathetic state.

But the stunt itself was not completely unexpected. The time for which it took for something like it to occur was the most surprising part.

“Hargrave,” I stroked my chin, “I cannot help but notice a pattern in your behaviour.”

“Oh?” his voice quivered.

On my hand, I counted the ways.

“There is your undying loyalty to me, your constant fussing over my safety –“

He mumbled, “That’s my job.”

He was shrinking as I continued, “- you shower me with compliments, you even, at one point, were recording all the quips I made during plots.”

He squirmed, tail flicking abruptly before twisting tightly. He glanced at me again.

“And now, we can add hugging to the list.”

I leant towards him.

“I know you’re affectionate, but I can only wonder if there is something more at play here.”

His eyes stayed transfixed on the ground. He was immobile, as if he became paralysed. Although he had trained himself to have an impeccable poker face, horror peeked through.

Then he closed his eyes and nodded.

I raised my eyebrows, “Hm. Would you like to tell me?”

He opened his eyes and stared at the screen once again.

He swallowed then spoke softly, “I rather keep that to myself.”

Damnit. Why must you be so guarded?

I regarded nature, using it as a backdrop for my pondering.

What would he keep from me? And why was he so hesitant?

Strolling into the view of the camera, was Dom Pyro and Six. Their disappeared as quickly as they appeared, with their chatter trailing behind.

Hargrave still seemingly watched the screen. I believed he withdrew; his eyes were a little empty.

I had known this man for years and it was only now I thought of questioning why he was so fond of me.

Fondness. Affection. Love?

Wait a second.

I was either about to make a fool out of myself or have my suspicions confirmed.

Bemused, I asked, “Do you think I’m handsome?”

The question straightened his posture. He blinked slowly as his ears raised. The question finally seemed to register. He covered his mouth. He swivelled to me, eyes full of astonishment.

The words escaped through his fingers, “You are.”

It was followed by a shy chuckle.

Ah.

Of all the time I had known him, it had never occurred to me that he was attracted to men. Or me, for that matter. That explains a few things. Quite a few things. Many things.

His hands had moved from his mouth. He rubbed them absentmindedly. His ears flattened.

His voice trembled, “You’re not disgusted, are you?”

I was unfazed. I had become accustomed to his antics. Come to think of it, it was pleasant to have someone embellish me with worship.

My eyes flickered to the floor and back as I chuffed.

“Actually, I’m flattered.”

His eyes lit up in that moment. A bashful smirk grew.

“Oh, thank Heavens,” he whispered with a hand on his chest.

Then it migrated to his chin, “You wouldn’t tell the others, would you, sir?”

My mouth opened to answer but someone else curtly interrupted.

“Tell us what?!”

Jolted with lightning, the butler cat leapt onto the side of my throne with a yelp. Leaning from the doorway was Dom with a beaky grin. He snickered as he waltzed into the room. Six followed.

As it became apparent that he was unable to detach himself from my chair, I got up and pulled Hargrave off. He was a bit stunned as I placed him on the ground.

He muttered as he fixed himself, “My old heart can’t take all these shocks in one day.”

I addressed Dom and Six with the butler by my side.

The boy said, “We have no idea what you were talking about. We just know that you don’t want to tell us.”

Dom had a sly smile as he teased the butler, “Keeping secrets from us, huh?”

I dragged his attention back to me, “What did you discover on your walk?”

“Trees,” Six responded happily, “Lots and lots of trees,” he paused to remember, “and, uh, bugs. There were a lot of bugs.”

The vulture shrugged, “There’s nothing but forest around here. Not even any birds or animals. Just plants and insects. Weird.”

What kind of forest only has insects and the like? I found it hard to believe that the entire surrounding ecosystem could be sustained solely by ‘bugs’. There must be some other creatures that lived here.

The boy then innocently added, “We also discovered that Dom can’t fly.”

“Wha?!” the bird turned to him, hand on chest, appalled, “I can at least glide!”

“That doesn’t really count…”

“Doesn’t count? Doesn’t count?! I’ve only had these for a day!”

I withdrew from the irate yammering to give Hargrave an instruction.

My voice was low, “How about you test those thrusters? Get us out of here.”

“With pleasure,” he bowed with a smile.

No one noticed that he walked around them, sat down at the controls and started the preparations for launch. Nor did they notice that I went back to my place on the throne.

Dom gestured to Six, “What do you, whatever the Hell you’re meant to be, know about flying?”

“That you’re bad at it.”

He squawked, ruffling his feathers.

Then the butler remarked, “Face it, Dom. You know you’re terrible if a cat can best you at flying.”

The boys turned to the screen. They gaped when they realised what was happening.

Six glanced to where I was standing. His eyes skated around the room as he searched for me.

He found me, “We’re leaving, Father?”

“Yes.”

Dom spun around, “You never told us that the ship still works!”

I held open hands to him, “It was a secret.”

A hissing chortle came from the cat.

“Now, I suggest you two take a seat. It’s going to be a rough take-off.”

They did so, with Six even greeting Hargrave as he sat next to him. The butler made a courteous nod in return.

The engines suddenly roared. With a shift of the controls, we blasted forwards. The room shuddered as we ran along the earth, rattling us with it.

The shaking stopped as we veered up, throwing us back into our seats. We blasted into the sky, eventually stabilising.

Finally, something goes right. Why can’t it be like this all the time? Life would be so much easier.

But it’s unpredictable, uncontrollable. To keep us on our toes, I suppose.

Maybe, flying through the sky, as a hyena, now I could have a break. Maybe.

#monsuno #fanfic

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shmreduplication · 6 years

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i wish adhd had a real name instead of being named after its own symptoms

‘a deficit of attention’ and ‘hyperactivity’ are both SYMPTOMS of another thing that is the cause of adhd

like...................if we called puberty “grow hair and be more emotional syndrome”

it would seem like people going thru it are experiencing 2 different things at the same time

so parents might be twice as worried because their kid has TWO PROBLEMS, SIMULTANEOUSLY instead of one thing that causes a variety of seemingly-unrelated symptoms

parents will look for ways to help their kid w/ only those two issues

other symptoms of puberty, like changing voice or genitals acting weird, won’t be addressed because they’re not part of the name of “grow hair and be more emotional syndrome”

GHABMES is a long name that’s hard to say

focusing on the symptoms de-humanizes the people going thru it because only their symptoms matter. they’re not a person w/some things that need to be worked on, they’re a list of symptoms

LOTS OF STUFF could be causing those symptoms individually so doctors might look at what causes each individual symptom and be led down wrong paths, instead of thinking about all the symptoms as caused by one single thing

the symptoms will also be treated individually. shaving doesn’t help emotions, being calm+relaxed doesn’t stop hair growth. if the symptoms were understood to be part of one unified thing, then that one thing could be addressed a lot simpler than individually treating all the symptoms seperately

symptoms can be caused by other symptoms! if it was “agoraphobia, hair growth, and be more emotional syndrome” then a lot of resources would be put into combating agoraphobia and hair growth would be ignored. but maybe the agoraphobia results from people with more hair growth not wanting to go outside because they feel ashamed of how hairy they are? Telling kids “GO OUTSIDE” won’t have any effect on the agoraphobia because it’s not addressing the connection to hair growth, and then eventually kids are going to get stereotyped as being agoraphobic

ok the metaphor got kinda weird but this is about coping mechanisms that can appear to be symptoms. "Fidgeting” and “drug abuse” are often seen as symptoms of adhd but they’re actually coping mechanisms. But because they’re seen as symptoms, people think they’re helping when they take away fidget toys or access to prescription medication

i also think that “attention deficit” is caused by other symptoms of adhd. Maybe i’m paying attention to something else, maybe i’m spacing out, maybe I can’t pay attention to something so fucking boring, maybe i’m trying to pay attention to 5 things at the same time, maybe i’m having a hard time processing audio rn, etc. But all that is called “attention deficit” because from a parent/teacher’s perspective that’s what it looks like. Similarly, a hairy kid who doesn’t want to leave their room because they’re mad at their friends, or don’t want to be seen crying, or only feels comfortable in their room, or is just sleeping a lot because physical changes are exhausting, those all look like the same thing to a parent who thinks their kid is suffering from agoraphobia

#adhd

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soldiersandshitposts · 6 years

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Supernova

You were a star that had gone supernova. I tried to catch your energy, But I let you slip through my fingers And fade into my universe

Sophie didn’t remember much from the mission, she was even still having a hard time staying conscious after the fact. Tygan would give her a brief summary of what happened, she’d pass out again, wake up in a panic a bit later only to have to be told again. The short story was simple, her psionics freaked out because of anger, her mom dead as a result. However, nothing was as simple as the short story.

Everyone knew by now, she was sure of it. ‘Disclosed information’ didn’t mean much to Raven, the ship’s reaper, and surely this was something that he couldn’t keep quiet. He was always looking for gossip, and telling everyone that Sophie was actually a clone, well, why would he care how it would affect her?

Her x-pad was shaking, no, maybe that was her. She’d asked for anything that was saved video wise from her… incident. For once the commander didn’t give her shit, just supplied her with the recording. It came as a surprise she wasn’t down in the med bay right away to yell at her. Truth be told no one had seen her besides Tygan, even that being brief. There was a sinking feeling in her stomach after that. Never since she joined the avenger had she woken up alone in the med bay, Emra was always by her side, holding her hand. Some sort of tradition between the two, starting back to Emra dealing with her screaming as her chip was removed, staying with her through the night, not letting go of her hand.

She hadn’t even stopped by to see her, that Sophie knew of. There was no feeling of Emra being here at all, her energy missing. If what Sophie thought happened was right, Emra had every reason to hide from her.

She decided to just listen to the vod at first, not thinking she could stomach watching. She laid the thing upside down, letting just the sound play.

It started when her mom first told her that she knew of her original capture, that she even eventually had part in the experiments, things she said she always wanted to do but was told no.

Incredible really that cloning someone and throwing an all powerful being in the head of the child when they were two wasn’t too far, maybe they should’ve classified that as too far. Sophie just laughed now, it was all she could do.

She wasn’t sure what happened in the middle, a lot of her own words too quiet to hear. There were memories of her turning off her comms, probably why her audio didn’t transfer.

‘And what exactly are you going to do, kill me? Prove that you are the monster everyone thought you would be? You say your father died to a headshot wound, but what really happened. Admit it, it’s fine.’

The video was paused, there was no way Sophie could continue watching right now. Her stomach felt like death, it was all she could to just not throw up. Realization hit about how lonely she was, that this would be easier with Emra.

The idea was bad, but she pulled up messages anyways. The only recent thing being from Sadie, telling her ‘never fucking talk to me again you freak. what the fuck is wrong with you, I guess she wasn’t even your mom. Thanks for killing the only family I had left.’ She should’ve been more upset from that, but it was fair, Sadie had every right to be mad at her. Closing out of that she opened up Emra’s and hers chat log. She really wasn’t ready for the last conversation they had.

‘You do not have to be afraid, nothing is going to change my feelings.’

‘Promise?’

‘You have me till the end of time, that will not change. I love you, always.’

‘I love you too Emmy, thank you.’

She locked the device, wrapping her arms around it and then laying her head down on it. Everything in her told her she wanted to cry, to get this out. It wouldn’t happen, it’s like she couldn’t. All she could do was lay there, her stomach in knots. Though she wanted to finish the video, she knew she couldn’t right now. Her relationship was most likely very over, she needed to mourn that first.

Everything they did, every second they spent together, it was running rampant through Emra’s mind. Sophie’s laugh, her smile, the little sounds she would make, the tiny sad whimpers when Emra had to get up from cuddling, how her body felt against hers, all of it. They were all good and happy things, until Emra found out Sophie’s secret.

Emra wasn’t sure what hurt more, being in love with someone who had the equivalent of the very thing that held her race into slavery, or the fact Sophie lied about it for so long. She was selfish, completely, to keep it hidden. Emra felt absolutely disgusted to know what she was actually kissing all those times. She wasn’t one for showers, but after she found out she stayed in one, way over her allotted time, trying to make herself feel clean again. It wasn’t working.

The irony of it all? She was currently curled up in Sophie’s bunk, because it still smelled of her, and that smell was comfort. Mad as all hell at Sophie, the smell of her was what even still calmed her down. Blankets wrapped tightly around her, she breathed in.

Thoughts of Sophie alone in an isolated area, like some sort of experiment gone wrong, hurt Emra. She had clearances to go see her, but she didn’t think she’d be able to manage that.

Sophie being a clone of her dad changed nothing, at least for Emra. She could care less about that, if that was the only thing she’d absolutely be right by her side trying to make her feel better. What bothered her was that she hid that she had some sort of… baby elder (at least, that’s what her mom called it) in her head. It was broken apart, or at least that’s what her mom said. The way Sophie killed her seemed to state otherwise, if there was a lack of power Emra didn’t want to see it’s potential when it was whole.

The storm that resulted made her sick, not that she was scared of them, but because it reminded Emra of what happened the day she was pulled from the facility. Blue lightning, purple clouds, had she caused that too because she was upset? It was hard to shake out of her head, no matter how much effort she put forth.

She wanted to sleep, but she was told she was at her limits for sleeping pills, even if they weren’t working. All she could do was lay awake and think.

In her defense, she didn’t realize the person they were told to extract was Karen. Based on the description she probably could have guessed it, and probably should have, but she didn’t. Now she lost the one person that could give her more answers, and there was the problem of Sophie.

Another thing she should have assumed was that Mark had told Sophie, or that she found out on her own. The fact she was able to manipulate different psionic forces was always confusing to Lexi, and it left her with the assumption that she didn’t know the real power that she had. It turns out she was just damn good at hiding it.

From what was gathered, Sophie had very limited memories of what actually happened, if she had any. She blacked out, put herself into a coma for almost two days. Overexertion was the best guess that Tygan had. She was still struggling to keep herself awake from the reports. It was decided it was best to tell her that she was in the med bay, not that she was locked up in basically quarantine in the psi lab until it was sure she had herself under control and wasn’t a threat.

Lexi felt bad, she did, she never wanted to hate Sophie. She only wanted the opposite, trying to help her. It was clear very fast that Sophie wasn’t exactly someone to reach out for help, or to even accept it. Lexi got frustrated, things got bad. She truly didn’t mean to lash out on her, she was just… angry. Once it happened once it was easy to be mad at her. Lexi never got to take her anger over the whole situation out on anyone, it was pushed aside. Sophie had no idea of the situation, she was just a baby when it happened, but it still brought back memories she didn’t want.

Back then when she was upset she would go to Mark, he was smart, caring. He’d talk her through it, make it seem like the two babies they kept in a lab were fine. She missed him, that’s something she hated to admit, but she did. Even if he fucked her over, left her with a position she really wasn’t ready for. She’d give anything to have his advice right now. Even one of his giant hugs could probably make her feel a little better.

Sophie had asked for any recordings of what happened, Lexi hesitated before approving the request. She knew, however, if she didn’t get them she’d have to learn it through someone else, probably through the way of gossip. That wasn’t fair on her. The request was approved, hopefully Sophie would stay awake long enough to process it all.

Lexi made a note to ask Cass to go check on her, she knew Sophie wouldn’t take well to her being around. At least Cass was better dealing with this kid of stuff anyways. She’d be able to comfort her, try to help. It was clear Lexi’s attempts to help were just a failure.

It took awhile, but she finally watched the video. She watched it several times over, feeling more dead each time. It was all there, her mother yelling her life story, admitting to experimenting on her, purely degrading her.

If you asked her why she was constantly watching it, she really didn’t have an answer. It was a lot to take in, sure, but there wasn’t a lot to see. It wasn’t much different than the day she found out she had these powers, the scene at least. Something she’s seen before, she really shouldn’t be obsessing over it.

The last part of the video was a bit reassuring, at least in the ways of her and Emra. When she fell over, passed out or whatever, Emra caught her. She went out of her way to make sure that she didn’t hit the ground even if she was in full armor. After everything that happened, everything she’d been hiding announced, Emra still was there for her in that moment.

She looked down at her hand, she had it curled up into a ball. There was a lot she was dealing with, she shouldn’t really be worried about her relationship. It was obvious they had her locked up in the psi labs, though the lie was nice to try and make her feel more comfortable. Emra didn’t like being around areas that were heavy with psionic energy, maybe she just didn’t wait with Sophie because she didn’t want to be in this area. She still cared, Sophie knew she still cared, Emra wasn’t one to give up. She had hoped this wasn’t something that would push that test.

There was a knock on the door, Sophie raised her eyes to see someone she wasn’t familiar with walk in. Sophie tried not to get to know the medics on the avenger, she didn’t feel safe around medical people, it wasn’t fair to them to have to deal with her when they didn’t have to. Though this poor lady look terrified, seems news spread fast.

“I’m just here to check your vitals, okay?” She was being so careful, Sophie had to laugh.

“I won’t hurt you, I promise.” The fact that actually made the lady look more relaxed made Sophie roll her eyes. Did people actually think she was going to go on a killing spree now?

She took her arm to check her pulse, a confused face forming. Sophie didn’t have to guess it was because of the lack of scars that weren’t there anymore. She was thankful when the lady didn’t ask anymore questions. The checkup was short, quick, her wanting to do anything to go away from Sophie. Sophie couldn’t exactly blame her, though it was stupid there was reasons to fear her. She wondered how well it would go over with all the staff if they found out about the commander having one too, at least she was spared of having her secrets poured out. Out if the corner of her eye she saw a her tablet light up, a message from Emra.

‘After all this, I think I made a mistake. Everyone was right, humans can’t be trusted.’

That was it, the entirety of the message. Sophie felt her stomach turn again. She curled up on the bed, pulling out the iv that was just put in before closing her eyes. Sleeping probably wouldn’t be something she could accomplish, but she could try.

“I think you need to be the one to talk to her.”

“Cass.”

“Lexi, I’m serious, if you actually know what is going on with her, which, incredibly enough, you say you do, you need to help her.” She was right, and Lexi hated to admit that.

“She’s just going to be scared.”

“You said you wanted a chance to fix things with her. Do it now.” Cass was serious, Lexi hated when she was like this. She wasn’t going to be able to back down from this.

“Fine, you win, I’ll go down tomorrow morning.” Lexi sighed, looking at the ground.

“Do it out of the avenger, I’ll find an area to cover you. Just in case.” When Lexi looked up she expected to see Cass smiling, that it was just a joke. However, she was greeted with the most serious face she’d seen Cass make.

“Cass, that’s… you can’t.”

She wrapped an arm around her, kissing her forehead. “We can’t risk losing you, but you need to talk to her. If she doesn’t try anything I think it shows that she’s safe, but if she does…”

“This… it seems wrong.” Lexi closed her eyes, leaning into Cass.

“I don’t like it either, but we need you, she’s replaceable.”

“You won’t hesitate if need be? I can ask Burns.”

“No, this isn’t something I want on someone else, I’ll be fine.” Cass wrapped her arms around her, squeezing her tightly. Lexi just sighed.

“I guess we have a plan then.”

Sophie was happy to get some fresh air, incredibly happy. With everything that was going on she felt way too trapped, too vulnerable to those around her. She didn’t like feeling weak. Though she wasn’t excited for the reason to be out here, she was excited to get out.

She sat on an empty supply box, waiting for the commander. She wore a large hoodie to cover her head, that way if anyone did know her they didn’t start freaking out. That was getting really old, really quick. They weren’t important to her, why would she try to hurt them for no reason, did she seem that cruel?

She pulled her knees up to her chest, her hoodie able to go over them. She had nothing to do but wait, and listen to others conversations. There was one in particular that peaked her interest.

“Just did inventory, that ancient rifle Cass insists on keeping around is missing.”

“Oh really? wonder why?”

“Maybe she finally got rid of the damn thing, just keeping up space.”

“Maybe.”

Sophie shouldn’t be paranoid, the Commander just wanted to talk. Cass would also never hurt her, if she trusted anyone besides Emra it was her. If the Commander wanted her dead Sophie was sure there was an easier way to do it than this.

Her thoughts were interrupted as the Commander walked out, motioning for Sophie to follow her. Sophie was hesitant, but followed anyways.

“First off, I want to apologize. I never wanted to hurt you Sophie, I swear.” She still sounded so formal, like she was just saying this because it was her job. Sophie rolled her eyes. “Secondly, you can call me Lexi right now, this is going to be personal anyways.”

“That’s nice of you, so kind for you to apologizing for me having to fear for my life by doing the right thing and joining your crew to help fight aliens. Thank you.” Sophie wasn’t happy with the situation, she wasn’t going to act it either.

“Watch yourself.” That made Sophie jump, it sounded like a growl.

“So you’re not playing nice.” She stood still, crossing her arms. Lexi took a big breath, trying to calm herself.

“Okay, let’s start from the beginning. What did your dad tell you.”

“Okay, first thing? I don’t have a fucking dad, or a mom. So please just, spare me of that. Second thing, Mark told me basically the same thing my mom did. Nothing more, nothing less. I’m a clone of him, I was created to be some super powerful alien fighter or some shit.”

“Something like that, yeah.” Lexi nodded, she went to put a hand on Sophie’s back, causing her to jump away and glare. She wasn’t letting Lexi win with this whole being friendly thing. “Your dad and I, we-“

“I literally just fucking said he’s not my fucking dad. I’m a fucking clone. A copy. I don’t have parents. I’m not meant to. Just please, please, stop.” She really didn’t want to hear any tragic backstories, she knew all she needed to know. That was it. “This is all pointless. I don’t care what you have to say Lexi, I don’t. Just- just please, If you want things to be clean between us, fine. Put this all behind you. Treat me like you would any fucking soldier.”

“Sophie, with your power, you need someone to watch over you.”

“No, with my powers, you should be watching over someone else, instead of fucking worrying about me. Leave the damn past behind.” She was mad now, the last thing she needed was protected.

“I cared about you before Mark did, I watched you every night, talked to you, slept in that god awful lab they kept you in. I swear to you, I care.” She actually sounded serious, her voice breaking into a heavy Russian accent. Was she upset? This was unbelievable, Sophie didn’t need this.

“Lexi, I don’t know what you want from me. If you want me to see you as some sort of parent figure, I’m sorry, clones don’t get parents, or families. Their made for a reason, and I intend to do what I was made for.” She turned her back to her, and took a deep sigh. “I have this under control, the thing that happened was a fluke, it was personal, there’s no one left that can make me angry like that. I don’t need help or advice.”

“As long as you’re okay.”

“I am, and by the way, thank Cass for me, glad she decided not to pull the trigger.”

“Sophie, I’m-“ She reached out, Sophie pushed her away.

“It’s fine. I don’t care. Just give me my clearances back and let me do what I was made to fucking do.”

“You’re cleared. Dismissed.”

“Thank you.” She whispered before running off back to the ship, wanting nothing more than to finally get to talk to Emra.

Sophie’s bunk didn’t smell like her anymore, mainly because it was where Emra spent most of her time. She still didn’t want to leave. There were too many memories here that she still believed were good, she didn’t want to let them go yet. Once Sophie was cleared she’d have to move, of course, but she still had time, she planned on using it.

She was half lost in thought, half reading a cookbook she had found her last time out. A few weeks ago Sophie would’ve been in her lap, pointing out all the best things. Them making plans for having a small farm one day, growing their own foods. Emra bit her lip, trying to not think of that. It wasn’t a choice now.

She put the book down, knowing she wasn’t going to be able to enjoy it much anymore. Everything was tainted in memories of Sophie, it was hard to let go even if she knew she had to. Everything felt wrong about the relationship now, it couldn’t be possible. She rested on her side, she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep, but she could at least make herself comfortable. Relaxed for a few seconds, she then heard the curtain covering the bed open.

“Em?”

“You’re cleared?” Emra wasn’t ready to see Sophie again, really wasn’t ready. It had maybe been five days at most since she last saw her, but it hit her hard. She was still as perfect looking as ever, Emra having to fight to not pull her into her lap.

“Yeah it was kinda a rushed thing- what are you doing here?”

“Just, grabbing my things, sorry. I think I have a meeting I need to get to with Betos, anyways.” She needed some excuse to run away, it made her feel gross to know the truth about Sophie and have to deal with seeing her and now hiding her feelings.

“You free to talk when that’s over?” Sophie said, sitting on the bed next to her. Emra felt awful, she was so close, she wanted to pull her closer- but…

“Sophie, there is no talking to be had. With what is in your head, it is wrong for me to…”

“I understand.” Was all Sophie mumbled, her eyes looking at the ground. “If that’s your choice, that’s fine. Know that I still love you however.”

Emra got up after that, and didn’t look back. She couldn’t check to see if Sophie was hurting, or if she looked upset. She needed to be strong. Even if there was tears forming in her eyes she needed to walk away. It was what was right, what she deserved.

She knew she could never stop loving her, but she had to try.

Sophie curled up in her bed, the smell of Emra incredibly strong. Her nose being stronger than most the smell was deeply affective. Blankets pulled over her head she sighed, she knew better than to try to cry.

“Well, fuck.” Was all she mumbled. That was the best way to describe what had happened.

If she didn’t believe that fighting wasn’t a thing she needed to do, she would’ve shot herself. Or even tried to kill Lexi, letting Cass deliver the killing blow. This however, was what she was made for. She didn’t have a choice but to keep fighting. One day she wouldn’t be needed, it could all be over then. Right now, however? She had to fight

#sophie simon #Emra Zeil #Alexandria Yakovna #Cassandra Pohl #xcom #canon #one shot

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aksbrillmindz · 3 years

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Tips For Successfull mobile App For Beginners

At present, there are 30 million Android apps in the Google Play Store as Android app growth is rising at a great pace. Today, companies, as well as developers of android applications, want to create unique applications that can cater to areas of pain. Moreover, the average hours spent on mobile apps are also increasing year on year. Have a peek at the numbers

We're going to learn about the top five tips in this blog post that any beginner really needs to listen to. If you're struggling to build an Android app or are in the process of developing an Android app, these tips can help you a lot.

These tips would be super helpful if you shouldn't miss this blog at what stage you're struggling. This blog will also address your problem with the stuff you are facing, such as Android studio installation or some other stuff. Let's talk about it, then,

Some Of The Points

Should have the good internet connection This is a tiny but vital tip you have to follow. In order to create & learn Android apps, it would help if you had a secure internet connection. I'm not writing this because you may want to explore a lot of stuff on your own or you may want to stick around at Stack Overflow to explore a lot of issues you face, this is about the items being mounted. Now, when you instal Android Studio, it's very important to have a secure link to the internet.

I don't mean to suggest by the word secure internet connection that you should be able to continuously stream Youtube videos. This is not a continuous internet connectivity test at all, and I have typically found that the mobile connection you are using is not as reliable at all.

You face issues at the end of the Android studio installation, such as the Gradle sync problem where the link has been reset. This indicates that during the Android studio installation, your internet was not strong enough to have a constant & secure internet connection. You have faced the problem, therefore. So, if you are on a mobile network, don't instal Android Studio. For every nation and every student, I'm not saying this is true because a lot of students are fortunate and also able to instal Android studio on mobile networks, but this is not always the case.

Typically, Android Studio needs to have a Gradle sink in 90 percent of the case, and that sink is only possible if you have a secure internet connection. So this secure link to the internet will solve your problem a lot. So get yourself broadband or go to some cyber cafe or university so that the Android studio is still properly built for a few users. I have a failed Gradle sync problem on the entire internet on Android, the most asked question on the entire internet. It says the link has been reset, so what should I do now? Get a secure internet connection for yourself.

Whenever there is going to be an upgrade in the cradle it just updates all the freaking time like 2.1 to 2.3 it just does it all the time like that and if you have that update again you will need a stable internet connection.

Usage of Original Tools This is the most significant thing that I can say to you, by far. Get original as well as recent stuff for yourself. I have now seen people download the Android studio like a month ago and want to instal that this will not work because Android studio updates are quite regular and the Gradle updates are quite frequent in particular. But you would want to get the latest Java build and the latest Android Studio build as well. It's super important. On top of that, your operating system is also critical. Make sure that it's modified to the new High Sierra if you're using a Mac.

You must make sure it's the new one. It doesn't say there's a Mac update available. Coming on to the Windows section, most of the problems are actually faced here by the students because windows only rollouts updates crazily without warning. They come almost every single week, so yeah, make sure you've absolutely updated them properly. A particular problem that is used by pirated Windows by a lot of Android app developers. This is not at all good for the development of Android applications since these pirated Windows are not typically properly updated and are not good for the new Android studio version.

What the guys from the Android studio do is try to make sure that whatever the latest Windows, Mac or Linux operating system is, they try to make it compatible with that operating system, and if you use a pirated system, it's outdated. Some people I've seen use Windows 7 and that version is even pirated and still say that their android studio doesn't work well. It's not going to, as it wasn't meant to work well. So make sure that you get proper and original tools for yourself.

I can also understand that a number of individuals are unable to afford to purchase extra windows. If you can't buy that go ahead, get Ubuntu or maybe Fedora as these are free operating systems, and if you can't afford anything that means that you probably don't need that strongly. So you can get rid of it and instal Ubuntu. The Android studio is still running flawlessly on Ubuntu.

Donot Use to Much Of Java I am totally aware of the fact that Android is fully designed and runs on Java. They are also native, but let's talk about the majority of individuals and still strive to learn Java-like a mad amount of Java. Let me be honest with you. Too much Java won't make you a good developer for Android. Yeah, even though we all know that all the code is mainly written in Java for Android, and Java is used to build all those apps. But I still saw a lot of people just learning about Java.

You are not going to be studying Android if you are going to stick with Java forever. You are absolutely ready to switch to Android if you are familiar with loops, functions, classes, objects, and a few other things like that. There are two very different things about working with Android and working with Java. They are entirely different things, even though they are used interchangeably.

There are a lot of things you do on Android, and a lot of ways you do them. You're learning them on Android and you're not learning them in Java, particularly the GPS and card stuff. All these are done on Android itself. They don't have a friendship with Java. So don't just hang around with Java too long if you want to become a good developer for Android. No doubt, you can still be stuck around for it like forever in Java is great, but if your goal is to become a successful Android developer, make sure you turn as soon as possible from Java to Android.

Yeah, there will be several of your solutions available in Java, and you will be implementing them on Android. Yet, I'm absolutely sure that you'll be able to understand that code if you understand loops, functions, classes, and so on. So again, you're absolutely ready to get the trust and take my words that you're ready to step into Android, not just start too much for Java. Get yourself a favour right now and switch to Android.

Getting The First Version Right Version one is going to be terrible, but the most significant thing is that. Now, your first goal should be to hit the Google Play Store as soon as you learn Android. It can be a simple calculator or maybe just a button on which you tap and adjust a context. Your app may be a little crappy. But it also gives you a lot of faith to access it on an actual computer as well as on the Google Play Store.

Once again, your friends or family may say this is a crappy app that I don't like. But for you, that's super important. You have to spend a lot of time on it if you want to learn or focus on something on any specific app. It's not like you're going to be extreme about that in two days or a month. You have to spend a lot of time working with that app to develop its functionality and improve its compatibility or speed, but the most important part is version 1 if you're not going to be working on version 1.

So make sure you now typically have a version 1 to a convent what the big nurse does and there is nothing wrong with wanting to understand and discover a range of choices they can find in Android. Now it's not as fruitful for these beginners to stick with only one app that calls it version 1 and do everything in that app, but I really encourage you to go ahead and explore and create a variety of apps. Camera, audio, GPS, firebase or anything like that could be used by some apps.

So make sure, as a novice, you try a range of choices. If you have understood all the aspects of most features, such as shake function, animation, or maybe firebase, if you really want to do so, you can step on to build your very first mega-scale app.

Conclusion

We BrillMindz one of the best mobile app development companies in dubai have given the tips for beginners to develop a mobile app and we are capable of building any kind of app

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aprilhollingworthblog · 4 years

Text

Life For Sale (Tomorrow’s Angels, 2) by Linda Nightingale

Release Date: August 24, 2020 ~ Available for pre-order NOW!

*~*

BLURB:

Mayfair Electronics has created life.But four of their Special Editions—sentient androids indistinguishable from human—have escaped. Rebel, Christian Aguillard and his owner, March, are on the run, but they have a bigger problem than his creator's plan to destroy him. They've discovered that one of the renegades has suffered a dangerous malfunction, threatening them with more than just exposure. Trapped on a cruise ship in the middle of the Atlantic, March and Christian must stop the insane robot before someone else dies. All the evidence points to March being the killer's next victim.

EXCERPT: Christian stood transfixed, staring in horrified disbelief. From the open box, dead blue eyes gazed into his living ones. The head rested in a puddle of blond hair, and Daniel had been right. Except for the bloodless pallor, the face closely resembled Christian’s own. The severed head had obviously been embalmed. Revulsion seeped through him on a chill, permeating every sophisticated atom in his mechanical body.Slippers plopped on the cherry wood floor in the hall, March returning to his office. Christian stiffened, frantically searching for a place to hide the monstrosity. His central processing center hummed, his heart thundering. These programmed and learned responses could disable. Shock held him motionless. He simply stared at the box. She called ahead, “Dear, we should go out soon. We need a bottle of wine for your boss’ dinner party tonight.”Her voice penetrated the horrified fog. He slammed the box closed, glanced up and time ran out. She stood in the doorway, her hands braced each side on the door frame. He took a deep breath of her perfume and exhaled the tension that had built to a crescendo.He wasn’t one to lose it easily, but he’d never had to deal with pure horror before. His logical mind struggled with this brutal assault. “Right. Give me a minute. I’ll need to shower and dress, too.”The contents of the closed box had been branded on his retinas. Damn their eyes, who’d do such a heinous thing? Christian took control of his body, stilling his trembling hands. By effort of will, he didn’t acknowledge the package by even a glance. The pilot had been decapitated in the crash, but how the hell did his head end up in Houston, Texas, more particularly in their home?“Who was at the door?” March must have seen something in his face. Frowning, she hurried to his side. “What’s that funny smell?”The embalmed head of a man who looked like me. Another cold quiver leapt along his sensors. He’d never forget the look in the dead pilot’s eyes. Fear now had a physical illustration. If he’d possessed a stomach, he’d have been violently ill.“I don’t know how to tell you this.” He swallowed hard and shrugged. “What’s in that box…” he pointed, “is the most terrifying thing I’ve ever seen. It can’t have come from Mayfair. They’d never resort to terror tactics.”“Christian, what is it?” She reached for the vessel containing a man’s—once a living, breathing human being’s—preserved head.“No.” He seized her hand. “March, you mustn’t. I refuse to let you see what’s in that box. It’s disgusting…and horrible. The pilot who died in the Jersey crash…it’s his head. The article mentioned he was decapitated.”“His head!” March recoiled. “Dear lord, who’d send a dead man’s head to us?”“Not to us. To me.”

Buy Link:https://www.amazon.com/gp/product/B08D2Z5XLC

PEOPLE ARE SAYING:

Linda Nightingale’s Life for Sale takes the characters from Love for Sale and sets them on a dangerous adventure for these androids posing as human. After fleeing at the end of the first book, they are trying to hide from the watchful eye of Mayfair, but decide a reunion is in order.

One of the four, however, is suffering a murderous malfunction. The resulting story is not so much a murder mystery as it is a study of a chaotic mind, albeit lab created, yet eerily human in its madness.

Nightingale has seamlessly made the unbelievable believable for the reader with a totally unexpected, but thoroughly satisfying ending to this duet. Imaginative premise, well developed characters and an insight into a mind gone wrong make this a great read…S. Hutchinson

ABOUT THE AUTHOR:

After 14 years in Texas, Linda returned home to her roots in the South Carolina red clay. She has eight published novels, four of which are available from Audible.com in audio. For many years, she bred, trained and showed the magnificent Andalusian horses. So, she’s seen a lot of this country from the windshield of a truck pulling a horse trailer. She’s won several writing awards, including the Georgia Romance Writers’ Magnolia Award for Excellence, the Raven Award, and the SARA Merritt. In real life, she was a legal assistant.

LINKS:

Twitter: https://twitter.com/LNightingaleFacebook: https://www.facebook.com/LindaNightingaleAuthorWeb Site: http://www.lindanightingale.com – Visit and look around. There’s a free continuing vampire story.Blog: https://lindanightingale.wordpress.com/ - Lots of interesting guests & prizesGoodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/4839311.Linda_NightingalePinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/lbnightingale1/Amazon: https://www.amazon.com/Linda-Nightingale/e/B005OSOJ0UBook Bub: https://www.bookbub.com/profile/linda-nightingale

#wrpbks #preorder #booksbooksbooks

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tori4thewin · 5 years

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Techno-kids.

Get my young child to not miss tech

We are living in an information revolution. What a time to be alive. Right? Yes and no.

In the past, children spend their childhood outside playing with friends or inside enjoying toys. There was minimal or no television. Children could explore their exceptional skills based on their unique interests. Thoughts were original. Playtime was personal and social. Same can be said for adults, however, this article is about young children.

Presently, young children and infants are using technology daily, and that is okay. Young children grow up and will have to find their place in this modern world. Technology is not going away and knowing how to use these machines and applications will benefit future endeavours. Daily basis, is okay. Hourly basis, not okay. Spending more than half of their awake hours watching shows, movies, playing games on the tablet, playing video games, and so on is wrong.

Boredom can be a beautiful thing and should not be avoided. The technology could make boredom obsolete in young children. Let the inner workings of their mind relieve their boredom. Children must learn that their brains and inner thoughts are an important tool for happiness. As a parent or caregiver, playing with your child is fun, yes, but can be exhausting all around. It can be a relief to hand over the technology and have a break. This break can turn into a very long break, turning into all evening, and eventually will become a habit to break. Habits are hard to break.

Do not despair. Your child is capable, at any given time, be amused, content, and happy without technology. The following tips are things you can do to help your child have some tech-free fun.

Start by clearing floor space in the center of wherever you are going to be. Safety first. If you are in the kitchen or workshop then you will need to pick an adjoining room or clear a safe area. The more floor space you can clear up is better. The big, wide-open floor is the goal.

Creating a peaceful atmosphere and environment is your next task. A quiet room is ideal but not required. The silence is calming and is not distracting, for some. Others like to have some audio playing like the radio, music, or audiobooks. Whatever floats your boat. You may even have some nice background visuals playing on the TV such as the “crackling fire”, beach, aquarium, or even psychedelic type visuals. Use technology to your advantage, not a detriment. The trick is that the audio does not match the video. Crazy? Like a fox. You can have your music playing and the video fireplace on the TV. Again, a quiet room is ideal. There is something so heavenly as the simplicity that silence is. If you feel “uncomfortable with silence” maybe you should rethink the reasons why the silence makes you feel uncomfortable and ask yourself if you are willing to branch outside of your comfort zone.

Okay, now you have a big empty floor and a quiet house. What to do with your child? Make a big mess, of course. Children are going to make a mess no matter what. Life. With this upcoming step, you will have a bit of control over where the mess is and what it consists of.

Dump your child’s toys on the floor and walk away. You do not need to say a word. I recommend that you dump the toys, and then walk away or carry on with your activities. If you tell your tech-loving child that it is time to play with toys, your child may resist for the sake of resisting. By dumping the toys on the floor, your child may be floored. What are you doing? Why are these on the floor? Woah! My green truck with the super cool purple flames!

The act of dumping the toys onto the floor is loud, disruptive, messy, chaotic, and full of potential. Just like your child. The toys are all visible and ready to grab and see. The floor is bare and ready for anything. Some children even realize that they do not particularly like this madness and will start organizing, lining up, colour coding. Other children thrive in the chaos.

All you have to do now is just be yourself. Carry out your work or activities. Do not try to clean up the toys until bedtime. Just leave them be. It can be all kinds of frustrating to step on a lego or barely make it to the other side of the room without knocking down some creations. Is it more frustrating than trying to take the tablet away from your willful child? Maybe it is. This free-range play is extremely beneficial for your child. Even if you dumped the toys in the morning and your child is out for the afternoon, leave the toys be. Your child will come back to play. Even if you have company coming over, prepare in advance so your guests can move around and your child can still thrive in the toy mess. You may even find your guests enthralled with watching your child contently play. Your child’s play could become the conversation starter, ice breaker you and your guests need to enjoy yourselves as well.

You will not need to sit down and play with your child but you must still give your patience and attention. If your child wants you to check out the space robot adventure camp, you have to check it out. Ask questions about what the structures are or what the toys are doing. Be interested (even if you are not). Smile. Laugh. Do not dismiss your child. The goal is fun, happy, safe, and infinite. As with the basic rule of improvisation, you cannot say no. Safety is always first and the exception to this rule. When it comes to playing with toys, your child is the boss of Imagination Land. Even if your child is suggesting some questionable motives regarding the actions of the toys, do not say no. Instead, try steering the conversation to where you are comfortable.

If your child is reenacting a bullying or violent scene, instead of telling them what they are doing is wrong, you should join in. Create a good guy character to come in and save the day. Have that character tell your child’s violent characters that they are behaving poorly. Use your words and have patience. A child may not grasp your concept right away, keep at it. If this lesson is important for you to teach your child, then it is worth sticking to. Maybe you come in with Superman and he says “ What is the problem here guys? I can help you figure out how to resolve your conflict? Words are more powerful than punches.”

If your child is thoroughly enjoying playtime, and you are thoroughly enjoying writing your latest content, but your child wants you to listen and pay attention to what is happening with Imagination Land, just take a minute. If you feel yourself getting frustrated that your child keeps interrupting your thought process or activity, just take a minute. Get up and leave the room, in a very polite manner. Go to the bathroom quick to freshen up or make your child a favourite snack. When your frustration subsides, come back with a smile. Praise your child on their amazing job, recap what they were saying before you left so they know you are listening, and give a big hug. It may be a nice time to stop working with your mind and switch to a more active task. This will free up your mind to converse with your child while still checking off the old to-do list.

Free play can be solitary or enjoyed with other children. You do not need to be your child’s playmate but you do need to listen. Listen to what your child’s brain has created from thin air. It is magical. Your child will speak for the toys and it can become a wondrous background noise that will be cherished and remembered for a lifetime. I used the word “infinite” earlier to describe what free play should be. The possibilities go on forever.

At the end of the night, help your child to put toys back and continue on your bedtime routine. You now have a child who is ready for bed. Toys are certainly stimulating, yes, but they will not disrupt the natural rhythm of winding down for sleep. Shows, games and applications will not facilitate an easy bedtime. Toys and free play are a workout for your child’s mind and body and will promote a night of restful sleep. The act of putting the toys away before bed will eventually become a habit and will signal your child’s brain that it is bedtime.

Technology is not going anywhere and is improving our lives in many aspects. Your child is in a tech-world and it will, naturally, be a prevalent part of life. You cannot run away from it and still live in common society. Your child can still use technology for a few hours a day. You can still have TV time. Being proactive and mindful of technology use and how it affects us all is important. Raising a child who can amuse himself and still know how to cast a show from tablet to the TV is possible and great.

080620192017 Victoria Julia Roscoe-Smith.

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