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isolemnlyswearpevensie · 4 years

Text

Beyond Our Dreams | Remus Lupin x Reader Soulmate AU

Warnings: None

Time/Era: Marauders Era, Aged 19

Word count: 2.3k

Summary: Remus Lupin finally gets to meet his American soulmate, Y/N, after seeing eachother every night in their dreamscape.

Request: can you do a remus lupin x gender neutral reader soulmate au where they see each other in their dreams

A/N: I adore Remus so much. He’s such a special character to me. So, thank you for the request! Enjoy! I also attached my Remus Lupin playlist, which is full of songs that remind me of this perfect boi :) Check it out if you want!

masterlist | my remus lupin playlist | read on ao3

The apartment they chose to meet at was always the same; it was a small room with a comfy, forest green couch, a cozy bed, a small kitchenette, and a door that led to a bathroom. It was rather plain as well, with dark red walls and a plush carpet below their feet. On one of the walls, there was a large window that overlooked a calm city. The normal hustle and bustle of city life was extinguished by a heavy downpour.

While most people made their dreamscapes extravagant and complicated, as it is their mind after all, Remus and Y/N found comfort in the simplicity. The pair just needed a comfortable spot to talk and get to know eachother.

“And then Lily just sort of dropped the bomb,” Remus stated, sitting on the couch opposite of Y/N. His long fingers wrapped around a white mug and he held his tea close to his body.

“I can’t believe she’s pregnant!” Y/N had her legs crossed and a plate of chocolate chip cookies situated in her lap. “We haven’t even met yet, but people our age are already having kids.”

Remus heartily chuckled, raising his mug to his lips and taking a sip. “It’ll happen in due time, darling. Besides, it’s nice to have you to myself without outside influences,” He coughs. “My friends skewing your views on me.”

“I know your friends are lovely, based on how you speak so fondly of them.” Y/N took a big bite of one of the chocolate chip cookies. It was chewy and gooey, making it absolutely delicious. “Why are dream cookies so good? Like, seriously, these things are to die for.”

“Because they’re a figment of your imagination. They can be as yummy or as disgusting as you make them to be.” Remus pulled at the collar of his gray t-shirt, making the seams rip. “Do you ever wish I was more, I don’t know, exciting?”

“What do you mean?” Chocolate smudged on the corners of her mouth.

Remus grinned and licked his thumb, rubbing it over her delicate skin to clean her face. “I mean, our dream world is a one-bedroom apartment and all we ever do is talk. I don’t know, I hear Sirius has a rollercoaster in his dreamscape. I fell dull in comparison.”

Y/N fondly smiled at her soulmate, moving so she was sitting directly next to him. “Rollercoasters are overrated. I like the comfort our little apartment gives us, it’s nice and warm in here and I have you next to me.” She set the cookies on the coffee table in front of the couch. “We don’t need to go on extravagant adventures, you seem to have enough of those when you’re awake.”

“You deserve better, though. Not a guy in his late teens that is constantly tired and would rather sit on a couch drinking tea than going on a rollercoaster.”

“I deserve you, and you are more than enough for me.” Y/N sighed, moving Remus’ hair out of his eyes. He couldn’t feel her physically, but it was still a nice gesture. “I’m not exactly itching to go on grand adventures. That’s what meeting you is for.”

“You’re only 5,437 miles away, anyway.” Remus’ mouth twitched into a sad smile. “That’s nothing.”

“Hey, it’s better than 5,438 miles.”

“You got me there.”

“What would you do if I came to London and surprised you?” Y/N laid her head on Remus’ thigh while he moved his hand through her hair, trying to imagine what it felt like.

“I’d probably get rather quiet and not know what to do if I’m being honest,” Remus observed how Y/N’s locks flowed through his fingers like water and how it contrasted against the forest green upholstery of the couch.

“Maybe let out a few cuss words?”

“Why are you so obsessed with me cussing?”

“Your accent is hot, especially when you say ‘fuck.’ I like to hear it.” Y/N smiled cheekily and watched Remus’ pupils dilate.

“Fuck,” The words fall off his tongue with his Welsh accent. Much of the Welsh had faded, due to living at Hogwarts and now London, but it was still very apparent in his speech. Y/N giggled and squirmed.

“Yeah, like that. Sometimes you just slip it into casual conversations and I have to compose myself.”

“Americans are weird, it’s just an accent.”

“No, it’s not just an accent. It’s your accent so I like to hear it. Sue me!” Y/N threw her hands up in false anguish, lightly bumping Remus’ stomach.

“You’re so dramatic, love.”

“I am not dramatic! Just every time I compliment my favorite person in the world he says I’m weird! Maybe you’re the weird one, Lupin!”

“Fine, I’m the weird one. Does that make you happy?” His voice sounded exasperated, but he was staring down at her with the fondest expression.

“Extremely.”

“Do you think Sirius, James, and Peter would like me?” Y/N sat on the counter of the dream kitchenette.

“They already do like you, dear.” Remus stood between her legs with his hands resting on her thighs. With her sitting so high, they were almost the same height. “Why?”

“Well they’re important to you, and you’re important to me, so I want them to like me. It would suck if your friends hated me.”

“You don’t have to worry about that. They even have a nickname for you,” Remus looked away, his cheeks turned slightly red. This piqued Y/N’s attention.

“A nickname? What is it?”

“Button.” Remus’ cheeks were dusted a light rose color and his ears were bright red.

“Button? Why Button?”

“Well, a few years ago we were all going around and describing our soulmates. I said that you were as cute as a button and I guess the name stuck.”

Butterflies erupted in Y/N’s stomach and she planted a kiss on his cheek. “Why can’t I just apparate to you again?”

“We talked about this, love. You’ve never been here and I’ve never been there so you can’t apparate straight here. And the plane ride between us is almost 11 hours.”

“Fucking hell.” Y/N sighed in frustration.

“Fucking hell, indeed.”

“I did something, and you have to promise not to be mad at me.” Y/N paced around the kitchenette while Remus lounged on the couch. His head shot up at her words.

“What did you do?” His mind raced a mile a minute and he prepared himself for the worst. Y/N probably found someone better than him and wanted to cut off contact.

“It’s nothing bad, relax.”

“Well if it’s not bad, why would I be mad?” Y/N sighed and sat next to him on the couch.

“Well, in the real world I’m sort of on a plane to London right now.”

Remus’ eyes bulged and he jumped off the couch. “You’re coming? Here? Really? Now?”

“Well, I’ll be there in about four hours.” Remus was now pacing.

“Why didn’t you tell me?! Mine and Sirius’ flat is a wreck!”

“I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want you to back out for a silly reason like a messy apartment.” Y/N stood and reached for her boy. “I love you and I couldn’t wait any longer.”

“Four hours?”

“Yes, four hours.And I need a ride from the airport.”

Y/N stood atop the escalator and looked at the crowd below, scanning all the faces for her love. Her face crinkled when she didn’t see Remus but two young men holding a piece of cardboard with her name written in black marker on it. She realized that the two were, in fact, James Potter and Sirius Black.

“Sirius and James?” She said walking up, suitcase in hand. Both were much taller than Y/N and extremely handsome, making her feel slightly uncomfortable under their gaze. Both young men grinned down at her.

“Ah, you must be Button. Nice to know Remus talks about us enough for you to recognize our handsome faces,” Sirius exclaims, putting the cardboard under his arm and nudging James. “You’re even prettier than Rem described.”

Y/N rolled her eyes. “Well, you aren’t exactly hard to miss. Long hair, leather jacket, combat boots, overly flirty,” Y/N turns to James. “Glasses, The Beatles shirt, tired expression. Obviously, you’re James Potter and Sirius Black.” She smiles and pulls her hair behind her ear. “Congrats on the baby, by the way.”

James beams, “Thanks! Kinda crazy considering the circumstances, but you know how it goes.” He takes Y/N’s luggage and starts walking towards the exit. “You threw Moony into quite a panic, you know. It was one of the best things I’ve seen in a while.”

“It had to be done, he’s been putting it off for years. Something about not wanting me to be disappointed, whatever that means.”

“Ah, classic moons. Glad you came though, really shakes up our daily schedule.” Sirius responds. The three make their way to a Volkswagon Beetle and James pops the trunk to put Y/N’s luggage inside.

“Why didn’t he come and get me? Not that I mind the company, of course.” Sirius crawls into the back middle seat, leaving Y/N to sit shotgun with James driving. “Woah, I forgot it’s on the wrong side.”

“He pussied out, I’m sure you know how nervous he gets,” James pulled out onto the street and down the road. “And what’s on the wrong side?”

“Your car and the road, James. It’s on the wrong side.”

“It’s not on the wrong side, maybe you’re on the wrong side. Ever think of that?” He turned his head to look at her, the thick frame glasses on his face sliding down his nose.

“See! You agree! I am currently on the wrong side!” Y/N giggled and hugged her backpack to her chest.

Sirius also lets out a loud, bellowing laugh. Y/N felt as though she had known these two her entire life; in a way, she had.

The three pulled into a parking structure and she exited the beetle. (The car, she had come to discover, was named Lennon, after John Lennon himself.) She hadn’t been nervous up until this moment, staring at the apartment door. James patted her shoulder and smiled.

“It’ll be okay. He’s the same Remus you’ve been talking to for the past however many years.”

“Yeah, if you even get him to talk,” Sirius pushes his way between the two and towards the door, lugging Y/N’s bag into the flat. He drops the luggage in the middle of the living room and flops onto the couch. “Oh, Moonbear, your lover is here! Get your fine ass out of your room, before I take it out here myself!”

Y/N cautiously pads into the house, taking in the atmosphere of the home. It was very similar to their dreamscape, very small and sparsely decorated. However, the flat seemed to have 2 bedrooms and 2 bathrooms, as well as a few closets. The livingroom had various framed band posters hanging on the walls, as well as a big framed picture of the entire friend group. Y/N could point out who was who easily as she observed it.

“Lily is so pretty,” She said aloud and pointed between two blondes. “Which one is Marlene and which one is Mary?”

Sirius and James look at eachother and share a laugh. “Merlin, he really does talk about us.” James points at the girl with the big, poofy hair. “That one’s Marls, the other is Mary.”

“Makes sense, since I’m assuming that’s Dorcas?” Y/N’s gaze moves from the blonde to a pretty brunette next to her.

“Oi, Moons, I didn’t realize you spoke about us so much,” James says, making Y/N turn around. In all his glory, Remus Lupin stood in the living room, decked out in jeans, and a The Smiths shirt. He was perfectly imperfect, and Y/N’s entire body warmed. His gaze didn’t leave Y/N as James spoke but he allowed his jaw to grow slightly slack and his hands to pull his shirt down.

“You’re even more beautiful in person, how is that possible?” His voice was breathy and light as if he was in complete awe. The light from the windows highlighted his cheekbones and made his features look unbelievably sharp, creating shadows that danced down his neck. He looked heavenly in absolutely every way possible, and this moment made her entire travel day worth it. Y/N blushed and stepped towards him.

“Nice shirt, missed you at the airport, though.”

Remus rolls his eyes and pulls his girl close to him. “Sorry ‘bout that, sunshine.”

Y/N nestled her face into his chest, taking deep breaths of his cologne. He was even better than she expected, all the way down to the wool socks he wore. Remus’ hand came to gently stroke her hair before looking up to see his friends. Unsurprisingly, though, the living room was now empty and Sirius’ bedroom door was closed.

“You smell so good, is that weird to say?” Y/N mumbles into the fabric of his shirt. “Like pine, and candy. I don’t know how to describe it.” She felt his chest vibrate as he laughed.

“I can’t believe you’re finally here.”

“Had’ta be sneaky, catch you off guard.” Y/N looked up into his eyes and glanced down to his lips.

The soft look of admiration she had seen so many times crossed his features as he leaned down to capture her lips in a kiss.

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unabashegirl · 4 years

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#3 “Equatorial Sun”

Author’s note: Just a little Harry to keep us strong through this quarantine thing.

***Paragraph in italics has been taken from the actual book Love Letters of Great Men. Vol 1 by John C. Kirkland. It is not mine ***

masterlist

They sit across from each other. The room smells like vanilla. It is not brightly illuminated, but it’s slightly dimmed. Just enough to allow her to continue reading the book that she had been putting off because of him. They had finally decided to leave the bedroom. The couple had spent the first few days of quarantine, locked up in their bedroom making up for the lost time.

Y/N sat on the corner farther away from the glass windows. She is constantly cold and after much complaining, she decided to claim that corner as hers since it was perfect. She wears a matching set of pajamas that she had received from Anne for her last birthday. Her hair is down, covering the sides of her big framed glasses. Her legs are stretched out, but they still don’t reach him.

The arm that holds the heavier side of her book rests over the back of the couch as her side is pressed up against the cushions. Her body is facing him, but her eyes are glued on the thin paper of her poetry book. Love Letters Of Great Men Vol I is her choice of the day. Her new fascination for romantic poetry had just recently started.

Harry had traveled to Paris for Fashion Week and had taken her with him. While he attended to the Gucci show, she stayed behind and discovered the streets of Paris. She found her first book in a little shop a few blocks away from their hotel. Harry at first couldn’t understand her obsession with reading about love. At first, he assumed that she was lacking some love from him. He felt horrible and it wasn’t until he sat down with her and asked her what he could do better that she revealed the truth. Now that she was in love, she could finally understand the poems and the hidden feelings that each stanza revealed.

Harry gently shuts close his leather diary after completing three pages. He shifts his body and faces her. He doesn’t say anything and just observes her from the other side of the couch. Her left-hand grips tightly the edge of the book while the other plays with the top corner of the pages, slightly bending them inwards. Her lips are slightly parted as she quietly mumbles the words that she reads. She knits her eyebrows in concentration.

“Have I ever told you that you are beautiful?” He asks as his chin rests on his hand that lays on the back of the couch. She raises her head and closes the book, but keeps her finger in between pages as a marker.

“I love you” A smile appears across her face which he only mirrors back. It is one of those famous smiles of his that reveal his left dimple.

“How is the book?” He asks as he leans a bit forward, intrigued by the words that his girlfriend is finding entertaining enough. “Would you read me some?” Harry picks his head up just to run his fingers through his hair before settling it back down. She bits her bottom lip and opens the book.

“This is a letter from Napoleon to Josephine, his wife” Harry only nods back before Y/N starts reading out loud the loving words from the man. “... in truth, I am worried, my love, at receiving no news of you; write me quickly four pages, pages of those delightful words that will fill my heart with emotion and joy. I hope to hold you in my arms before long, and cover you with a million kisses, burning as the equatorial sun” Y/N shuts the book close and settles it on the coffee table.

“That was beautiful” Y/N nods back and sits up straight. “Maybe I should start writing you love letters” He suggests as he sees the adoration and passion that her eyes fill with as she read. There is nothing more attractive to him that when she speaks about something that she is passionate about.

“What are you talking about? What about your music?” Harry grabs her ankle and tugs her closer to him. It takes him a few gentle tugs to finally get her beside him. She is finally close enough for him to able to touch her.

“What about it?” Harry asks as he plays with a strand of her hair. He tugs on a small piece that always curls beside his ear. It is the stand that she always battles with especially when she had to attend to one of his fancy events.

“Baby” she giggles, “Those are love letters” Y/N smiles as she pecks the tip of his nose. None of the songs were about her specifically, but they were all lovely. Each one of them described the way that Harry was feeling. They were beautifully written and they made the fans feel what he also felt once. He frowns and pulls away a bit from her, clearly disagreeing. “It’s your feelings. All the love, pain and anguish you felt once”.

She didn’t need him to write her songs or love letters. Harry did enough every day to prove his love for her. He did little things every day. They were never overlooked or disregarded by her. Harry would pull her in for a kiss, a long hug, a neck nuzzle, a hair stroke or all together for no reason at all. He would hold her hand whenever they walked down the street. When shopping for groceries, he would remember the type of milk she likes and her favorite snack to munch when they watch a movie in bed. Whenever she cooks for them, he always offers to do the dishes. He gets excited to hang out with her family and considers them his own. It’s always the little things.

“If you say so” Harry takes her hand and kisses it before pulling her into a warm embrace. She hides her face in the crook of his neck instantly getting a sniff of his expensive cologne and aftershave. His arms wrap around her, holding her tiny frame against his.

“I know so” She pecks his lips once more before pulling away from him. Y/N has always hate how much he underestimates and doubts himself. She has always hoped for him to look at himself the same way that the entire world saw him. He has the purest heart. He is constantly worried about everything including the things he can’t control. Attempting to divert him from it has always been a challenge. She has given up on it because that’s the way that he is. If she was to change him, he would no longer be the Harry she knows and loves.

It isn’t until a few months later when the world goes back to normality that he is finally able to write her one. After spending so much time locked away, he had grown even more accustomed to having her around him. The departure had been rough this time. They had both cried, but at different times. She had done it before he climbed into the car whilst he had done it, ten minutes into the ride. She has seemed him cry multiple times, but he had opted not to cry in front of her this time around because he needed to act calm and collected for her.

She finds the letter three days after his departure. She is doing her usual cleaning routine of the bedroom when she opens the second drawer of her nightstand. There is, nicely folded and carefully placed over one of her books. It is not only handwritten but the paper he has used it’s from his journal. He hadn’t bothered in using scissors to cut the side of the paper that has been ripped out. She doesn’t mind, she finds it charming and makes it more special.

It’s three pages and each of them is dated and has the address written on the top left corner. Harry had found it silly to write the complete address by the time he got to the third page and instead he had written ‘our home’ with a small smiley face beside it.

How could I ever begin to describe my love for you? I’ve always thought that I had experienced love, but not until I met you. I can still remember that first day when we finally crossed paths. Do you remember, my love? That day in the farmers market? How you kept gently squeezing the avocados looking for the perfect ones to take home? I keep rethinking our conversation about my music being love letters and it doesn’t feel right. It doesn’t feel right because none of my current love letters are about the woman that I love. I promise you that this will change. Never my love for someone has been so easy, so flawless and so carefree...

Y/N lays back her bed, completely forgetting about continuing to clean. She slips off her shoes and lays over the blankets while she continues to read the letters that her boyfriend had written for her and for her eyes only.

#harry #harrystyles #harry styles #harry styles imagine #harry styles imagines #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fanfiction #harry fluff #harry styles fluff #harry styles blurb #harry blurb #harry styles angst #harry angst #harry styles x reader #harry styles x you #harry styles x y/n #harry x reader #harry x you #harry x y/n

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greennebulae · 4 years

Text

Big brother

John needs a lot. He needs his job; helping people and his rewards for it. He needs his friends, his drinking, his tea, his gun; and some things that are a little harder to describe. He needs a girlfriend, a steady income of affection, admiration, and sex. He also needs his adrenaline shot, the cases, Sherlock.

He’s got a balance that Sherlock needs to disrupt.

Sherlock has decided that he wants to keep John. He is not going to sit around for some woman to take John away from him.

This means a few things.

John will want affection: Sherlock will have to become more comfortable with hugs, and touches-although he is fine with John’s casual touches.

John will want to kiss and snog: This is fine. Sherlock has caught himself wanting to kiss John for a long time. As long as it doesn’t interfere with the work, Sherlock is fine with this.

The true problem is that John will want sex. Sherlock is not as adverse to sex with John as he is to sex with other people. Once his initial curiosity had been satisfied sex just lost its appeal. The body is just transport. It’s important to John though-and it’s important that its good. He should practice then. It should be easy. He could find blond men of John’s stature to bed and once he’s learned, once he’s everything it will take to satisfy John, he’ll make his move.

Until then he has to wait. He has to watch John find other women. They have taught him well, no matter how good they are-patient, loving, smart, wanting to settle, you have to be perfect for John to have him, to keep him. Even the ones that had nothing for Sherlock to expose weren’t enough for John.

John needs some sort of perfection and Sherlock has to become that because he needs to keep John, he wants to consume John and come before the work and the women and everything.

This results in a different question. What if he’s too much? What if the relationship is too much and it’s just going to push and push John until he leaves?

Sherlock has to keep him, in whatever way he can, because if he has John for just a bit, gets to know John’s love, he’s going to be more love stricken than the girls who want to marry him and have his children. If John leaves, up and leaves because Sherlock is too much, it will destroy him.

…

John starts noticing the signs of Sherlock having sex with others. It’s odd: the washed hair in the middle of the day, or the post coital bliss in the mornings, the loss of “BORED”. Then again, he shouldn’t complain, the walls and his ears are much happier for it. It’s not like it matters what or rather who his flat mate is doing, they aren’t together.

Maybe ‘not really my area’ meant no relationships. That’s fine. He’d want more than a one off with Sherlock anyway. He has more than all the strangers getting a one off with Sherlock.

John tries not to care, but he gets shorter and shorter with Sherlock, and he doesn’t break up with Helen, no matter how much she talks about her ex. Seems like they both will continue to use each other.

…

John is still dating Helen. John is less tolerable of me. It’s happening. I need to move my timetable up.

Sherlock increases the amounts of sex he is having.

John spends less time home.

…

Mycroft decides to help Sherlock admit his feelings because he is beginning to drive the doctor away.

Sherlock seems annoyed when Mycroft appears at the crime scene but Mycroft looks John up and down. He ignores his brother for the moment.

“She’s not quite into that, then?” Sherlock furrows his eyebrows. Into what? What did he miss? John has no idea what Mycroft is talking about but understands it’s to annoy Sherlock so he offers a sly smile.

“Unfortunately.”

“Shame.” Mycroft offers a small smile before turning to his brother, but John has Sherlock’s attention for the rest of the day. He likes it.

It’s terrible, because as much as Sherlock hates Mycroft at times, he can admit that Mycroft might actually be able to keep John, he might have just the right amount of everything John needs and enough manipulation to make up for the rest.

John is kind of in on it when Mycroft starts. The small flirting going on between them that drives Sherlock crazy, he’s not sure where it is going since Sherlock doesn’t feel the same way about him but it makes John feel better.

“What is it now?” Mycroft looks at the tip of the umbrella as Sherlock storms over to him, John in tow. John winks and Mycroft almost smirks.

“Actually, there is nothing for you to be concerned about. I have a job for you Dr. Watson.” He puts the umbrella to the ground and John’s only flirting a little.

“And what’s that?”

“A bit of security at a play.”

“I like plays.”

“No you don’t!” Sherlock says, looking over to John, but John just licked his lips and Sherlock feels chills. No, not Mycroft.

“8 on Saturday?”

“Sounds good.”

“I’ll send a car.” Then the eyes travel down John again, undressing, redressing. “And a suit.”

…

Sherlock starts acting more affectionate, but John knows it’s just an attempt to keep John away from Mycroft, so John makes more of an attempt to be with the other brother.

He gives up on Helen and she only comes to the flat to make a scene once. Sherlock seems pleased. Last one then, and then Sherlock will make his move. He just needs to practice his approach, the perfect place in the apartment to make him seem most attractive.

His timing is off.

John hears Sherlock groan out and is running to his bedroom before his brain catches up with him. John walks in on Sherlock with a man. John’s brain short circuits as he sees Sherlock pinning another man to the wall and snogging him senseless. It was one thing to know about it, it is another to see. John’s breath gets caught in his throat before he flees. Sherlock’s head pops up and horror fills him.

“Get out.” Sherlock tells the other, who seems to be furious.

“You said you were single! Was that your man, because cheating is so fu-”

“I said get out.” It doesn’t take long and Sherlock paced the pavement as he tried to figure out where John went.

Don’t worry. He’s in good hands now. -MH

Mycroft doesn’t text if he can talk, so why can’t he talk now? Just what was going on with his mouth? Sherlock flings himself into the street to hail a cab. The club would be the first stop.

John had gotten out of the taxi as soon as he noticed the black car following it. He goes into Mycroft’s place as soon as it stopped.

“Why am I here?” He asks the sitting man.

“I simply thought you’d like to be somewhere where Sherlock would not be able to get to you for a while.”

“That’s good,” John sighs out. “Yeah, I don’t know why it bothered me. He’s been doing this for a while.” John shakes his head. “you and I even,” John doesn’t articulate that any further, “to make him, I don’t know.”

They are silent for a bit. John takes off his jumper as he paces and Mycroft lets him.

“It was stupid of me to think...” he’d want me

“I can assure you that it was not.” Mycroft smiles, “I’ll prove it to you, come.” John follows Mycroft up the stairs to his bedroom and John is struck with the thought that Mycroft does indeed sleep. Mycroft locks the door as John inspects the room.

“What are we doing here?” John asks as he sits in one of the chairs, Mycroft sits in the other.

“Proving a point.”

“About Sherlock, look, I get it but he doesn’t have feelings for me.” Mycroft gives him a pointed look as John hears a door slam downstairs.

“He had a blonde in his bedroom!” Sherlock’s on the steps now.

“And now, it appears, I’ve got one in mine.”

John knows what Mycroft is playing at; it’s what they’ve both been playing out for a bit. Getting Sherlock jealous to admit his feelings, assuming there are some. Sherlock starts banging on the door.

“Mycroft!” He sounds furious and John looks down at his hands.

“Go away, dear brother, I’m quite busy.” And as if to prove the point he moves to the bed, the soft creak barely audible.

“Mycroft!” It sounds anguished now and John is left with the choice of opening the door and ending the charade and playing along to see what will come of it. The nameless blonde flashes in his head and he groans out.

“Not now Sherlock.”

There is silence for half a second, processing time John figured, before the door is being rattled and hit and picked.

“No, no, no, NO. Listen to me, if you’ve ever cared for me Mycroft, stop this now!” John gets up and almost runs to the door but the hand on his shoulder stops him.

“John, don’t.”

“John, Mycroft!” John clenches his fist. Mycroft runs a hand through John’s hair before tugging on his shirt so that a button comes undone before pushing John towards the door. When John opens it, Sherlock almost falls in. Sherlock grabs John’s shoulders before glancing at Mycroft and then storms towards Mycroft. John watches the pain and anger fight for dominance. Sherlock sees Mycroft’s lips are swollen. He has the image of John pinning Mycroft, Mycroft’s hands against John’s stomach and back and it makes him burn.

“You know.” He hisses as he grabs Mycroft’s jacket and pulls him closer.

“Of course.”

“Know what?” John asks.

“My brother likes to take what I love.” Sherlock growls out; not daring to look at John because it’s already over.

“Love?!” John didn’t consider that, it would explain his own feelings.

“Yes,”

This isn’t perfect. John needs perfect.

“John, I love you.”

And he’s messed it up. This is terrible; and not good enough and he’s going to regret this. John’s eyes shift to meet Mycroft’s, who are smug. John is elated and confused. Does he love Sherlock back? Had he mistaken his affection for something less than it was.

Sherlock knew it was over. He had known since he got the text but seeing John look to Mycroft after his declaration was it. Sherlock fell to his knees. He wasn’t perfect, couldn’t offer anything more than the countless other women. He was just the shot of adrenaline. He shouldn’t have tried to be more. What must John think of him now?

#idk how to tag this #Johnlock #mycroft #story snippet #lost interest at some point or I would have fleshed it out more

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patron-of-lost-causes · 5 years

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Books that remind me of Jude from A Little Life

I’ve been wanting to do this for a while now, but I’ve always felt like I haven’t read enough to make a proper list. Then I realized that I will always feel like I haven’t read much and it is as good a time as any to do it. I have decided to create lists of books that remind me of certain characters-characters that I love, characters that intrigue me, characters that I can’t seem to forget. I decided to come up with these lists because it has been so difficult for me to find books that are similar to the books I loved or similar to the characters that I loved and I feel like this is a good way for me to keep track of these books and for other readers to find books that are similar to their favourite books and characters. These books can be similar in terms of the character’s personality, the character’s past, the character’s relationship with the people around them, about anything really. The similarities might vary, some books might be more similar than others. After all, reading is a subjective experience and no two persons ever experience the same book. Therefore, what I find is similar to my favorite character might not be the same for you. Please just keep this in mind before you get your hopes up. Also, recommendations are always welcome!

My first book list is about Jude from A Little Life by Hanya Yanagihara. Jude is the main protagonist from A Little Life and the book focuses on his relationships with his three closest friends and other people whose lives have interwoven with his life-directly and indirectly but mostly, it focuses on his relationship with himself-his mind and body. A Little Life examines Jude’s life-a character study of what makes a person the way they are, how much hardship a person can endure, what makes and breaks a person and how a person makes the best out of their life even in the midst of suffering. Jude is a complex character-a character moulded by trauma and the kindness of his loved ones-and he is very very precious. Fellow A Little Life lovers would know how difficult it is to find books similar to A Little Life, never mind finding similar characters to Jude.

TW: Almost everything-A Little Life and these books are very triggering because of the heavy subject matter and graphic scenes so please make sure you’re in a good place emotionally and mentally before reading my post (it has some quotes which might be triggering to some) and before checking these books out.

Spoilers: I will only provide the book synopsis (based on Goodreads). There will be spoilers from the description of the similarities between A Little Life and the other books on the list.

1) Edinburgh by Alexander Chee

“I wanted to wake up and not feel. My life would have been acceptable, I felt, if someone had come in and in the night severed all my nerves where they attached at the skin. If I was numb, then great. More life for me, another helping, please.”

This is the latest addition to my list having only finished it three days ago. It is a book about Aphias “Fee” Zhe, a Korean-American boy who has to come to terms with the sexual abuse he experienced at the hands of his choir director who also abused his fellow choir friends. This explores the aftermath of abuse-the difference ways abuse can shape a person, the coping strategies of the victims which can be quite destructive and how different victims deal with abuse differently. It is a very triggering book and it is very draining. My emotions were all over the place and Alexander Chee writes the book with such a raw and unflinching honesty that you can’t help but absorb all the emotions. This book reminds me of Jude in the way that it follows a victim of abuse through his self-destructive years, his achievements, his relationships with his loved ones and the complicated feelings he has for his abuser which he feels both disgusted and protected by. This book also portrays the human condition as beautifully as A little Life did and Jude and Fee both have the same outlook on life. The writing is simply gorgeous. Besides, Alexander Chee and Hanya Yanagihara are close friends in real life and she helped him a lot with this book. Both authors are really good at wrecking people.

2) Imagine Me Gone by Adam Haslett

”What do you fear when you fear everything? Time passing and not passing. Death and life. I could say my lungs never filled with enough air, no matter how many puffs of my inhaler I took. Or that my thoughts moved too quickly to complete, severed by a perpetual vigilance. But even to say this would abet the lie that terror can be described, when anyone who’s ever known it knows that it has no components but is instead everywhere inside you all the time, until you can recognize yourself only by the tensions that string one minute to the next. And yet I keep lying, by describing, because how else can I avoid this second, and the one after it? This being the condition itself: the relentless need to escape a moment that never ends.”

This is about a family wrestling with mental illness and how mental illness affects the family and their ability to care for a person with mental illness. John suffers from severe depression and his marriage with Margaret gave him three children, one of whom suffers from depression and anxiety. What follows is years of anguish and suffering as Michael (the son) gets worse and the family tries their best to save Michael. This book asks the same questions as A Little Life-what makes a life worth living, how much a person should have to endure before it becomes acceptable for them to end their life, what right does someone have to force another person to live against their wishes even if their intentions are good, is it cruel to require someone to stay alive just for the sake of staying alive. It is brutal in its questions and it will force the readers to think about the consequences of their actions done with the intention of caring for their suffering loved ones. Jude is very similar to Michael even if their personalities couldn’t have been more different. Both were shaped by their suffering and by the suffocating love of their loved ones. Too much expectation and hope were placed on them both, neither of which they were ready to fulfill and give. It also offers insight into the feelings of the family members-how helpless they feel in not being able to heal Michael, how difficult it is to care for their loved ones while having a busy life themselves, how some family members are more gentle and patient than others.

3) The Lesser Bohemians by Eimear McBride

“It was the very worst moment of my life and after it, everything soft in me slowly turned to bone.”

This book follows an 18-year old Irish girl (the characters are unnamed for the majority of the book) who goes to London to pursue acting. She meets an older man and begins a relationship with him and this is a story of their relationship and how it’s affected by the man’s traumatic past. This is a very disturbing book as the abuse in this book is very graphic, similar to A Little Life and their relationship can be toxic at times. While reading this book, I felt like I was walking on eggshells and it was not a pleasant experience. The anticipation of what was to come was almost worse than reading about the abuse itself. Both Jude and the male protagonist are very damaged characters, they are betrayed by the people who were meant to protect them and the extent of abuse experienced by both of them are very extreme. Both characters are self-destructive in different ways and they both HATE opening up to the people they care about and end up hurting the people they care about. I would also like to mention that while a huge part of this book is about the abuse and its aftermath, it also focuses a lot on the couple’s relationship and there are a lot of sex scenes-A LOT (I thought it’s worth mentioning in case some people are not comfortable reading about sexual scenes). The book is written in stream of consciousness style so every feeling goes straight to your brain without any filters, making everything raw and heightened.

4) A Girl is a Half-formed Thing by Eimear McBride

“You’ll give her name. In the stitches of her skin she’ll wear your say.”

This is another novel from Eimear McBride that was an absolute pain to read. I still am unsure as to which of the two books I loved most. This book follows a young girl (unnamed again, but now throughout the book) and her relationships with her unstable mother, her brother who has brain tumour and her uncle who she has a complicated relationship with. This book is also about her sexuality and how a loveless upbringing and abuse can affect a child and her outlook on life. This book is BRUTAL, in many different ways, and I would say that it is more brutal than The Lesser Bohemians which is already very brutal and raw to begin with. The atrocities in this book make me nauseous and it requires a huge deal of commitment and masochistic tendencies to brave through this book. Some people might feel differently, some might feel that the other books in this list are more brutal than this one and they are right too. At the end of the day, it all comes down to who you are as a person and the limits of what you can see and endure. Again, both Jude and the protagonist are hurt by the people who were meant to protect them, people who are capable of so much love but chose hate instead. Both are very self-destructive even if they’ve managed to find their place in the world by their own terms. Both also have complicated feelings for their abusers.

Those are the books that reminded me of Jude and A Little Life. Hope you guys like these books as much as I did. On a side note, there’s a book called On Earth We’re Briefly Gorgeous by Ocean Vuong and like its title, it is a really gorgeous book. I would have added this book to the list but it didn’t remind me of A Little Life and Jude in any way other than its overall tone and writing. It is both sad and hopeful and I personally like these kinda books so if you are interested, please check it out!

#jude st francis #a little life #hanya yanagihara #edinburgh #alexander chee #imagine me gone #adam haslett #the lesser bohemians #a girl is a half-formed thing #eimear mcbride #book recommendations #literature #literary fiction #beautiful quotes #reading #book quotes #love for books #abuse #me

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dailyskyferreira · 5 years

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Sky Ferreira Returns With an uncompromising vision and the studio hours to back it up, the enigmatic singer is back with a new single—and a promise that her first album in six years will be worth the wait.

So, what’s Sky Ferreira been doing all this time? Well, for the last 35 minutes or so, she’s been in the bathroom.

“I’m so sorry,” she says when she finally emerges, eyes wet, arms full of winter layers. It’s a late-February afternoon at New York City’s Russian Tea Room, the fabled blini-and-caviar haunt of candy-red banquettes and eternal Christmas ornaments where Madonna once worked the coat check. About a half hour ago, the 26-year-old singer turned up for our afternoon-tea reservation only to disappear in an immediate whorl, as if a czarist vortex sucked her into the basement. What she had thought was an asthmatic flare-up, she now explains, was actually a pretty severe anxiety attack. A panicked twinge remains in her expression, like the distant memory of tasting a lemon. In town from Los Angeles for three days, she tells me, “I’ve been anxious to the point that I haven’t slept at all.”

It’s a nerve-wracking moment for Sky, a pop artist, actor, and model who’s lately been keeping a low profile. This is partly because she seems to find the social contract of the PR exchange stressful, but also because she doesn’t want to suck up all the air before she gets a chance to breathe. “You really can get sick of someone’s face,” she says, as only someone who has loaned their own to Jimmy Choo and Calvin Klein could. “I don’t see the point of doing a bunch of photoshoots or press when I don’t have anything out.”

The fact that she hasn’t had anything out might be the biggest stress of all. Signed to Capitol Records at 15, Sky spent years in teen-pop A&R purgatory—groomed as a naughty-girl-next-door type with mall-Shakira hair and prefabricated singles with names like “Haters Anonymous” and “Sex Rules” (“We are animals/No matter what we deny/Our bodies strong, like magnets” are actual words she sang)—only to have her minders decide she wasn’t worth the trouble and shelve her long-promised full-length debut. Rather than give up, she used money she’d earned modeling and finished the album without their help.

Released in October 2013, Night Time, My Time was a rare major-label triumph of craft over product, a purposeful barrage of seething recriminations coated with ’90s-grunge textures and ’80-pop incandescence. It sounded like “My So-Called Life”’s Angela Chase mainlining John Hughes films and channeling her existential anguish into a record—except Night Time was the vision of a 2010s 21-year-old, and the truths were all hers.

The right people loved it. In the spring of 2015, Sky announced her second record’s name was Masochism and promised its first single that summer. The summer came and went, then the fall, and some winter too. On that New Year’s Eve, she addressed the delay obliquely on Instagram (“I refuse to put out something that isn’t honest”) and promised “in 2016 you will hear it.” In 2016, you did not, and now it’s 2019, and, still, no album. At this point, she can’t post online without some commenters popping up to heckle, “where’s the album sky” or “MASOCHISM!!?” or “still waiting,” like they’re hungry people rage-texting Seamless.

These impatient fans aren’t alone in their enthusiasm. “She’s one of those beautiful, rare people who can probably do anything,” says Debbie Harry, who’s had Sky open for Blondie. “If there’s anybody I would ever be jealous of, it would be her.”

Naturally, all of this—the anticipation, the unfulfilled promises, the time lapsed since her last release—is adding to the pressure she puts on herself. She feels like she has to explain. “It wasn’t by choice.” It wasn’t creative paralysis, nor was it a creative hiatus. “I wasn’t just taking time for myself the last five years.” During that time, she landed a half dozen movie roles, but she says she didn’t decide to focus on acting instead. “I never stepped away from music.” She alludes to vague external hindrances: “I’ve been at the mercy of people the last few years”; “gatekeepers”; “the rug pulled out under me”; a “someone at my label” who undid the generous arrangement she had to work with Kanye West musical director Mike Dean; and the very real issue of a young woman telling men what she wants and not settling for less. Then the labyrinthine nature of her production process is, as you’ll see, akin to playing charades blind-folded while riding a dog, and everyone else guesses with kazoos. Plus, she’s a perfectionist. Obsessive. She’ll do 800 takes. She’ll consider every option—and then she’ll consider it again.

But the primary reason it’s taken so long: Sky doesn’t just want her new songs done, she wants them to be good. By good, she means, executed the way she intended, no matter how long she waited to find the right violinist. Properly mixed so they don’t accidentally sound like pop-punk in the car, because “someone puts some shit on my voice” and she forgot to play them in an Uber. (Sky never learned to drive.) Songs that know their place in the broader pop continuum, not what’s hot on streaming. “I’m not looking for ‘a moment,’” she says. “I’m looking for a career—and real careers, you build them.”

She’s deemed two songs good enough to share with me. The first single, “Downhill Lullaby,” is a five-and-a-half-minute, goth-noir, chamber-pop piece—with strings!—that could have easily closed an episode of the revived “Twin Peaks.” (The association may be deliberate: Sky appeared in the show’s 2017 return, deeply admires its director, David Lynch, and the series’ music supervisor, Dean Hurley, produced the song alongside her.) Another forthcoming track, tentatively titled “Don’t Forget,” is a new wave time warp, a lovely bit of nostalgia therapy for people who were never there—even if it is, according to Sky, “about burning down houses.”

By now we’re settled into a booth, one Sky has selected in the empty part of the restaurant, far away from her manager and publicist, who’ve come along to chaperone. Her natural espresso roots have outrun her hair’s blonde highlights, and her dark T-shirt reads “CHICAGO METAL MANIA.” We’ve managed to order tea by asking the waiter to bring what he likes (a nice, orangey, spicy chai) and then momentarily horrify him when Sky asks if, instead of sending the teeny triangular sandwiches with mayonnaise back to the kitchen (she hasn’t touched them, and mayo makes her gag), we can give them to someone who’s homeless. “I’ll get you the ones without mayonnaise,” the waiter says, taking them away.

“I don’t have a back-up plan,” Sky says. “I never have. I don’t have an education. I don’t know how to, like, play music in the [traditional] sense. I’m socially awkward and stuff—I couldn’t really do a lot of other jobs either,” she says. “Literally, there’s no other option for me. So this has to work.”

There are many Sky Ferreiras. There’s Sky the model, a Hedi Slimane muse who’s walked the runway for Marc Jacobs and perfected a glare so haunted the Bates Motel must be jealous. There’s Sky the actor, who played a key supporting role in director Edgar Wright’s big-studio heist flick Baby Driver, but doesn’t have an agent. There’s Sky the live performer, who battles stage fright, but who also opened a 2014 Miley Cyrus arena tour, fell down an elevator shaft on night three, and still took the stage the next day.

There’s also the Sky here at the Russian Tea Room, whose left dimple comes as a surprise because, come to think of it, you’ve rarely seen photos of her smiling. The Sky who shouldn’t eat gluten because of an autoimmune condition, but doesn’t really tell people about it because it sounds like bullshit. The Sky who’s watched enough “Game of Thrones” to see her pets’ personalities reflected in the show’s characters. (For the record, her cat Egg would be a Lannister, while his brother Squirrel would be from the North.)

This Sky speaks in em dashes. It’s less that she loses her train of thought, and more that her thought train is screeching onto a new track. Sometimes you’re right there with her, but other times you’re watching the conversation from a distance like a detached caboose that just kept going straight. “I know I keep going in circles,” she says, “but my mind kind of always does that—spins.”

You don’t interview this Sky as much as steer her, but first you listen. “I’ve always been really shy,” she says, six minutes in. “I was actually mute for years when I was a kid.”

Little Sky Tonia Ferreira hummed along to the radio before she could talk. Raised around Los Angeles, mostly Venice Beach, her young parents split when she was a baby. Her dad tended bar, sometimes with her in tow, and when his roommates got cable, she devoured MTV. “I always hung out with a lot of adults,” she says. “I was, like, one of those kids.”

Being one of those kids meant she didn’t know how to talk to the kids who knew how to talk with each other. She was bullied constantly. She also had trouble with numbers and spelling—she suspects she’s dyslexic, but never got tested—and for a while, was so unhappy, she stopped talking altogether. “I had really long hair, didn’t speak, and had dark circles around my eyes,” she says, describing herself as a child. “I looked kinda feral.”

As the story goes, Sky’s first-grade classmates didn’t know she could talk until she sang “Over the Rainbow” in school. “As long as I can remember, I’ve felt the most like myself when I was singing,” she says. (Roughly 18 years later, she covered the Wizard of Oz ballad at David Lynch’s Festival of Disruption, and the director still raves about her version, telling me, “It was incredible. So beautiful.”)

She lived with her grandmother, who worked as a hairdresser. One time when Sky was around 7, she sang for one of her grandmother’s clients. Impressed, the man suggested she join a gospel choir. The man was Michael Jackson. So she did. Jackson also gave a 9-year-old Sky some grown-up advice that’s shaped her approach to art and music ever since: “He was like, ‘Don’t focus on things that are just around you—you need to look back to the history of music.’ And that’s what I did.”

Yes, Sky went to the Neverland Ranch—“a lot.” She also went to Jackson’s other houses. No, she didn’t witness anything untoward. “It wasn’t just because I was a girl,” she tells me, a few days before the controversial HBO documentary Leaving Neverland aired. “I was around a lot of kids.”

Yes, she’s grown hesitant to talk about her grandmother’s larger-than-life client—for all the reasons you’d expect, along with a few you might not. Like, that it’s difficult for people to wrap their minds around the fact that the King of Pop could be a formative elder acquaintance in the casually anodyne way of, say, a dancing-school teacher or a little-league coach—someone whose small encouragements could be so big. “I was really quiet, but when someone sees something in you...” she says of Jackson, before abandoning the thought. “I had a connection to him, but I’m not, like, his family.”

Sky has also routinely been asked to account for the bad behavior of men in her orbit. A dominant narrative surrounding Night Time, My Time’s 2013 release was her relationship with indie rock band DIIV’s frontman, Zachary Cole Smith—an ex-boyfriend with whom she was arrested that September. He was the driver of the vehicle in which heroin, ecstasy, and a stolen license plate were found (and someone who’s since publicly acknowledged his struggles with addiction). Throughout that album cycle, the arrest became a more delicious red herring than anything Sky had actually done.

“The thing that’s still so fucked up about that: I didn’t have a drug problem, I dated someone who had a drug problem, I was in a car with someone who had a drug problem,” she says. “No one wants to talk about how my charge got dropped.” And the whole Kurt and Courtney star-crossed mythos that dramatized the headlines around the arrest? Spare her. “I was really young; I wasn’t even 21 yet for most of it. That wasn’t my great love story of my life,” she says, adding, “The people that have treated me so much better—they’re the ones who deserve the attention, not that guy.” (Presumably, one of those people is her current partner, Elias Bender Rønnenfelt, frontman of the Danish punk band Iceage.)

Those who have followed Sky’s personal life could easily read “Downhill Lullaby” as an extended metaphor about a tumultuous relationship: “I can see that you want me/Going downhill too/Going downhill into a lullaby.” But she’s adamant about distancing her songwriting from the egos of her ex-boyfriends. “That’s the one rule I made,” she says. “The one thing that I’ve always had is my music. If someone treated me badly, they don’t get to have that. I don’t want to drag the weight of what they did around forever.”

For Sky Ferreira, time is not a flat circle, but rather a sticky mass of saltwater taffy. She tends to run late, but once she’s present and engaged, she can summon an Iron Man endurance. At the Russian Tea Room, two hours of conversation easily floats into six-and-a-half, and eventually we’re the last diners to leave. Somewhere in this elasticity, she talks about her refusal to give up on the work. “I’ve literally been using my life savings to do this record.” She is not motivated by money—to her, time isn’t money, but money is a thing to buy more time.

This springy relationship with time can make Sky seem almost anachronistic. In conversation, her offhanded pop-cultural mentions span director Todd Solondz’s 1995 cult indie Welcome to the Dollhouse, Courtney Love, the 1980 Loretta Lynn biopic Coal Miner’s Daughter, the 2018 iteration of A Star Is Born, and the cheerful ’60s sitcom “The Andy Griffith Show” (which she concedes, “No one my age knows”). Sky’s reference points, like Michael Jackson once advised, exist within a totality, not a blip.

One of her artistic lodestars glows brighter than the others: When Sky was 13, she discovered David Lynch. “He’s the first person who ever saw the world the way I saw it,” she says. “It was the first time anything made sense.” You can see Lynchian dream logic throughout her work. In fact, the staggering, airy title dirge from Night Time, My Time came to her in a dream. “I wrote it in the middle of the night, half-asleep,” she remembers about the album closer, which was built around a line spoken by the doomed girl at the center of the “Twin Peaks” saga. “Then I woke up the next day and I finished it in an hour. I still have the notes; the handwriting’s all fucked up. ” When she finished the song, she knew the album was finally done.

So Sky’s cameo in “Twin Peaks: The Return” had the meta-ness of astral projection. She played Ella, an enigmatic bar patron who talked about a penguin and flaunted a “wicked” armpit rash. “She played that scene so perfectly,” Lynch tells me. “She inhabited that character and made it real from a deep place. When she scratched that rash, you could really feel the itching!”

“Downhill Lullaby” summons the creeping orchestral gloom of “Night Time, My Time.” A sweeping arrangement in five parts, Masochism’s first single begins with a sashay of strings and an interpolation of the unmistakable squee of the Verve’s “Bitter Sweet Symphony,” followed by a murmuring, angered bass. Sky exhales a numb indictment—“You leave me open/When you hit me”—and amid the layers of kettle-drum thunder and keening violins, there’s seduction and revenge, confusion and queasiness, silkiness and elegance. It sounds like the last thing Daniel Day Lewis’ Reynolds Woodcock hears before the poison takes hold in Phantom Thread.

This habit of visualizing music—Sky does it too. Except for her, it’s the first step of many in the song creation process: “I see it like it’s projected in a movie theater.” “Downhill Lullaby,” in particular, began with a vision of water in darkness. “Lakes kind of terrify me,” she explains, recalling a childhood memory of feeling lost in a Maryland forest that packs a similar unease. “In a lake, by yourself, you look at the bottom and it’s murky and still and you can’t really see anything or feel anything—and if you do, it’s fucking terrifying. It always feels like something will grab you and pull you under.” The eeriness became the foundation for the song.

She likens the ordeal of making “Downhill Lullaby” to Mickey Mouse’s Fantasia turn as the sorcerer’s apprentice. “You know how all the brooms are making a gigantic mess and the water starts rising and rising and rising and rising?” she says. “It was sort of like that: Magical, but at the same time, ‘What is going on?’ And then cleaning it all up.”

Her technique is more like a collagist—one who both scavenges her raw materials and oversees the fabrication—than a traditional songwriter. Conceptually, she works backwards, starting a song with an imagined outline of the final arrangement, isolating each sound element, and then embarking on the oft-laborious task of identifying studio musicians with the time and patience and willingness to conjure each sound individually, so that once she’s gathered all the pieces, she can begin the meticulous process of putting them all back together.

This unorthodox approach to songwriting has led to recurring logistical difficulties for Masochism. Namely, figuring out how to articulate what she hears so that someone who’s not in her brain can actualize it. “Nobody really understood what I was trying to say or wanted to do on paper,” she says. “It was a really long process.”

Sky never learned how to read music and she’s too self-conscious to use instruments that aren’t her voice in front of others. So if there’s an obvious reference point—like a certain note in a ’90s-radio staple she wants imitated—she’ll play that for her collaborator. But when there’s not, she’s often like a conductor asking to summon a mood.

In the case of Danish violinist Nils Gröndahl, who recorded all the strings on “Downhill Lullaby,” she recalls telling him: “‘Play it as if you’re one of the birds in Snow White, singing underwater, while slowly being suffocated by plastic.’” And you know what? In the end result, it’s easy to hear all that.

Additionally, Sky is even more particular about her final mixes. She will only be satisfied after she’s evaluated her song in seven different listening contexts: a car stereo; a smartphone with “regular” headphones; a smartphone with Apple earbuds; a smartphone’s built-in speaker; on a laptop; through “really bad, bad computer speakers—like the ones that came with Dells back in the early 2000s”; and the lush splendor of the studio, which is a personal luxury because, as she notes, “most people aren’t gonna listen that way.”

And she goes through this convoluted course of action for every song. It’s no wonder Masochism has taken so long. Says Sky, “I’ve accepted this is how I work and stopped feeling bad about it.”

Two Fridays after her insomniac New York trip, Sky is on the line, self-confidence restored, completing a high percentage of her sentences. Earlier in the week, she received the “Downhill Lullaby” master, immediately dropped her phone and shattered its screen, so now she’s on speaker. “I was like, I hope this isn’t a metaphor?” At least she’s laughing.

As for Masochism. She tells me she produced most of it herself, wrote with Los Angeles-based dream-pop artist Tamaryn, and worked with Ariel Pink collaborator Jorge Elbrecht. The proper album is coming, Sky swears, almost positively in 2019. Granted, she said the same thing last year—and the year before that and the year before that and the year before that—but this time, she has finally loosened her grip on some songs.

“Downhill Lullaby” may sound like dying Disney birds and “Don’t Forget” may be electro-pop arson, but Sky promises “more poppy” songs on Masochism too, as well as more “abstract,” orchestral stuff. “It’s very big, but also very violent,” she says, half-chuckling. “But not all the songs are super-dark.” Beyond that—the number of songs, tracklist, other credited collaborators—who can say? Sky can’t yet. She has some songs in mind she’d still like to write.

#sky ferreira #2019

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tessatechaitea · 5 years

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Scarab #5

Scarab just learned how to use "whomst'd" correctly.

Maybe the sudden need for drugs was due to this character with my name trying to kill himself.

I hadn't actually gotten to the part where the guy notes he's on drugs or that he's surrounded by poppies so I think I just have to give credit to John Smith's writing for setting up a real "I'm fucking overdosing on pain killers" tone. Now I'm also jealous of a fictional nobody. If only I had too many painkillers right now, um, well, I'd probably never hit publish on this blog post and all five of my readers would be wondering, "When the fuck is Grunion Guy (or Tess (or Jeff (or whoever the fuck this asshole is))) ever going to finish reading Scarab?" According to my Non-Certified Sister-in-law, nutritionists have to report people for suicidal ideation. She told this to me because she's a nutritionist and I said to her one night at karaoke that my current retirement plan was to do whatever the fuck I wanted until my bank account was dry and then kill myself. But she never reported me so I guess she doesn't realize that's actually my retirement plan. Speaking of karaoke, I knocked another song off of my karaoke bucket list this week: "Like China" by Phil Collins. I fucked that song so hard on stage, some woman high-fived me and some other guy came up to me and thanked me for reminding him that the song exists. He was super drunk. Super drunk guys love me at karaoke. One time this guy whose name I believe was Creepy Kevin asked me, after I'd just sung "Everybody Knows," if I was doing it in the style of Leonard Cohen or Concrete Blonde. I said Concrete Blonde and he said, "Your voice really suits it." Which is when I stabbed him in the throat and tossed him in the dumpster out back with the leftover spring rolls from the night before because how dare he insult Johnette Napolitano! She has the voice of an angel and I have the voice of the person the angel walks on so that they don't have to get their feet dirty at the angel orgy. I know nobody is reading this and thinking, "What the fuck are you talking about?! What has happened to Scarab this issue?! Has Eleanor found her way home?!" How many people even remember that this comic book ever existed?! I just read four issues of it a week and a half ago and I almost forgot it existed! This issue is called "Paradise Defiled" which I just read although maybe my subconscious read it earlier (due to the comic being opened to that page and just sitting there on the scanner) which is why I was thinking about angel orgies. This guy Jeff is somebody Louis knows. An old woman — maybe his mother? — phones Louis to ask if he's seen him. So that's how Scarab gets involved with Jeff's suicidal problem. Meanwhile, Eleanor is sprouting ecotoplasmic rivulets. It's super gross. But this issue isn't about Scarab and Eleanor! At least I don't think it is. It's about Jeff waking up from his pleasant and relaxing overdose to find himself in an afterlife torture garden sex party. He totally hates it and I understand why. The place is first described as "a literal incarnation of a littoral world" and I have to stop myself from Googling "home lobotomy." The first tortured sex victim he meets is a guy strapped to a wheel with a bunch of knives in him spouting "Vertigo phrases." I explained "Vertigo phrases" in a previous commentary (or all of my previous Vertigo commentaries maybe?) but for those who somehow just stumbled upon this commentary because "every blog post is somebody's first" (although why Scarab #5 would be somebody's first is beyond comprehension), here's a nice example of "Vertigo phrasing."

It doesn't have to mean anything. It just needs to sound weirdly profound while making the reader feel like a real fucking smarty pants.

Jeff is taken to some Herod-like angel named Lord Colouris. He's also a bit like a cross between John Lennon and Jabba the Hutt. Did I just describe David Crosby? Lord Colouris declares he's going to make a new man out of Jeff and I don't think he means it figuratively. In the middle of the Garden stands the Tree of the Knowledge of Good and Evil. It bears the fruit of truth and whispers as skulls pile up beneath it from those feeding on its devastating pronouncements. Also, I sort of agree with what it's saying here:

Ninety-eight percent of this blog is me screaming from the anguish of losing the bliss of nonexistence.

Not that I think I'm evil. Nor do I believe in souls. But that whole anguish over the loss of nonexistence? That hits me fucking hard, bro. Look, it even made me call you bro. I'm hurting here, dude. See? I said dude too! The rest of what the tree says is meaningless gobbledygook. Something about sex tearing the flanks of God and a snake jerking it into a pot of clay like my junior high school classmate Chris Huff beating off in a breadbox. Maybe it makes sense to guilt-ridden Catholics but it's all wasted on me. I'm just wondering if I should do a Google search on a snake ejaculating. I've done it before for bats and let me tell you: there's a great video of a bat at a zoo sucking itself off in front of some kids! Truly a work of art. So privileged to live in this modern age and able to experience such wonders of this world! Lord Colouris turns Jeff into a monstrosity because he's trying to reform the lost souls that wind up in the Garden of Pain into his image before he fell from Heaven. But he can't do it because everybody who enters the Garden is tainted by their boring and uncreative lives. To finally make a work of art equal to his previous state of being, Lord Colouris releases all of his Frankenstein monsters into the world to hunt down a truly innocent and beautiful person who can provide the raw material for Lord Colouris's sculpture. Jeff is now one of them. Being uncreative morons, the monsters raid nurseries all over New York. Idiots. How many babies does it take to create an angel? Probably like millions! Some of the monsters seek out Eleanor because her leaking bodily fluids smell succulent and, I guess, virginal? I don't know. Like I said, she's gross. I hope they take her. Instead of Eleanor, the monsters accidentally take Scarab back to the Garden where he's quickly defeated by Colouris with a tree grown up through his guts. Then Scarab, like a true super hero, remembers that he can't be defeated if he just summons one last burst of strength and hope to overcome his enemy! Which he totally does by biting Lord Colouris's tongue off (because Lord Colouris was doing naughty things to Scarab. So naughty that I was embarrassed to discuss them). Then he punches Colouris in the throat and he barfs up the keys to all of his monsters' souls. Plus the key to his own soul which Monster Jeff helps Scarab find. Scarab recognizes him and thinks, "Fuck. Okay, I guess I'll just have to tell Jeff's mother he's dead." Then Scarab sticks the key in Colouris's head and the Garden dissolves into an empty room with a ticking metronome. That probably makes really smart people go, "Holy fuck! That's fucking brilliant! What a great reference or theory or idea or intelligent bit of philosophical scat!" And, um, that's totally what I said too. I'm not one of those morons who don't understand Vertigo comic books. Pshaw! Can you even believe uncool losers like that exist?! Scarab #5 Rating: You know how many things I had to look up on the Internet while reading this comic book? At least two! Maybe more but even two is a lot! Remember, I first read this in 1993 when most people didn't have Internet (and those that did were spending their time in AOL and Prodigy chat rooms with names like "Horoscope Lovers" and "Remember The A-Team?!"). So that's two things I definitely didn't understand when I read it the first time because you can believe that I was too lazy to pick up a dictionary in the middle of reading a comic book. And that's even assuming that I'm the type of person to own a dictionary! Man, stop embarrassing yourself with your lousy assumptions!

#Scarab #Vertigo #DC Comics #DC #Scot Eaton #John Smith

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genderfluidmollymauks · 5 years

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the session recap that @umbreeonic did as they eavesdropped on the game i ran today for my all warlock party

we start off after the portals, in avernus, realm of zariel

there’s a cool scary staircase very clawed up

caleb: where would you like to go? // AB: home

AAAASAHAKQKSKQJDOQKDKQJSQJ

THAT'S ME, TORY, REACTING TO CIELLA VOICE

VERY GOOD VERY VALID. I SUPPORT YOU

ciella starts panicking over the warlocks being mortal

ciella: how old are you? // ärla: five // ciella: JESUS CHRIST

catan starts looking to see where the claw marks lead, like a functional pc

oh hell yes weapon heist! rob the lost and found!

ciella: this is the worst planned revolution. in the history of ever

everyone figures out if they have magic weapons. misfortune does! that’s it

WEAPON HEIST WEAPON HEIST

ciella goes down the hallway with No claw marks, everyone follows the archdevil

caleb: catan- // me, has been reading it catan as in settlers of not cay-ten: :0

ciella: we live in a society.

misfortune: why us? // ciella: you’re warlocks! they can’t steal your souls :)

ciella starts to go on a rant abt warlock exploitation that i very much enjoyed

misfortune gets blood on her clothes and is like “it’s fine it happens a lot” and everyone is Distressed

they get in the lost and found room, which is full of many creepy things covered in blood stains

catan walks to a weapon first thing, like a functional pc

he gets a white shortsword with cold powers, misfortune finds a bunch of money and gems and stuff and some bracers, custos finds a book called the adventures of tarrington darington. also one called torture 101, and The Other Enemies that detail all the fiends enemies!

ärla finds a pitch black dagger and gets a CRIT 20 to figure out what it is! it’s a death dagger baby (nice plunker reference calb)

misfortunes mouse sounds like john mulaney. amazing

“this is a very smart mouse.”

squeakers - the mouse - scurries around the room to find stuff for misfortune. he finds something he says is amazing, and it is.

a corn cob

ciella is randomly throwing things around and finds a gray robe and goes “this is useless to me. it’s the wrong color”

misfortune tries to change the color but that doesn’t work

catan touches to feel how comfy it is. “not as good as bear pelt.” he still takes it

misfortune gives the bracers to ärla so she has more than 14 ac, like a kind pc

misfortune, realizing she’s the only one without a magic item, reaches out randomly to take something as they all leave. it is a FUCKING ioun stone FUCK yeah

NOW we go to claw mark hallway

there’s a set of spiiiiiiraling! stairs going up. they’re not trapped, so they all go up

ciella awkwardly asks the party about themselves. misfortune says she has a mouse. custos says he has a bird

using her speak with animals, misfortune talks to puppy. he is. the most perfect character.

i am the night

i have no need of a name. but my warlock calls me puppy. this brings him joy. this is my one purpose, to bring him joy and keep him safe. Are You A Threat

misfortune: did you know if you sharpen a pencil enough you can stab people? they never see it coming

catan doesn’t know the difference between a pen and pencil, like a functional pc

that doesn’t actually fit but comedy rule of threes

ciella explains that zariel is devil trump and won’t be in his office cause he’s gonna be golfing

catan: what is golf? // ciella: a product of hell

misfortune: golf is putting tiny balls in tiny holes for people with tiny penises

as they walk through the office building (cause this is an office building) fiends in their cubicles ignore the party but like, in a scared way

minimum wage is a copper a century

misfortune: well then why do they work here? // ciella: they sold their souls to the ceo.

catan doesn’t understand money because he is uncorrupted by capitalism

going up the next stairs, ciella starts being Sneeky. she’s not good at it

ärla, however, with her SECOND NAT 20, along w The Boys, are fine on their stealth. misfortune is so focused on ciella being quiet that she doesn’t notice her mouse is being loud, but ärla quiets him down

they aren’t noticed by two bone devils working at a control center, which is probably for the best

me, googling bone devils, seeing they have fairy wings: baby

time for party to kill baby :pensive:

for their surprise round, bc they did so good sneekin, custos starts by casting shatter on BOTH of the baby

however, being made of bone, neither of them seem THAT concerned with the ear shattering noise that explodes between them (aka half damage)

but the control panel, being an object, is much more exploded

so catan whips out his tome, flips it open to a certain page, raises up his free hand and summons what looks like a perfect sphere of ice and snow, which he then sends off towards the bone devil that's like, what, 50 feet away

(lou describes the action beautifully so i don’t have to, like a wonderful beautiful kind player)

lou: that’s 6d8 // AB: too bad it’s not 6d9 :3 // caleb: d9 don't exist AB

however, being a fiend, the baby doesn’t seem that upset by the giant snowball sent their way (half damage again)

ärla send out a bolt of glowing gold light at the baby catan DIDN'T attack, and the baby shrieks in pain because gold hurts more than snow

ciella then runs up, casting a quick hex on ärla’s baby, stabs it - so strong in goes into it's bone body like it’s butter - and it screams once more, and again when her sword pulls out

IT'S LEFT WITH 69 HEALTH

NICE

ciella does a radiant (gays) gaze, exploding the baby in radiant light, so it screams again. and now it can’t see, cause of the light

misfortune casts a hex (“you feeling lucky, punk?”) on the un-hexed baby, and the magic wisps around it’s neck like a chain. she rushes up to attack, pointing her sword at baby, and two quick blasts shoot out of it - an eldritch blast! the first one hits, pushing the baby just enough that the second misses.

i love the rich fiction provided here by AB that was beautiful

custos, seeing the badassery that is misfortune, also sends out an eldritch blast onto the blinded baby, so it screams again, as that is a theme

Catan takes out his tome yet again and summons a ray of more ice in his hand, and then chucks it like a fucking baseball at the bone devil that's looking the most awful

YEET

catan has a wonderful aesthetic i love him

ärla casts toll the dead on the scream baby, who is so hurt it fails COMPLETELY with a nat 1

ärla has one hand around her pendant, one pointed out at the bone devil, and she tweets a short melody that turns into loud tolling bells that torment the devil, it’s wings shrivel up into dust, it’s bones turn black, it lets out one final anguished scream, and hisses something at ciella in infernal before falling to the floor in death

ciella turns to other baby with another radiant gaze, and it does not look good as it erupts in golden light, it’s eyes are pure gold in blindness and it is shrieking in infernal, and ciella runs up and ends it's screaming in one fluid motion, decapitating it

ciella kicks the bones a little. “that was easier than i thought itd be”

misfortune repeats the word the devil said, as a question, and ciella replies back in infernal

misfortune’s spoken infernal is not very good but i love her

custos looks over at the control panel, pretty damaged, and sees it controls the portals

ciella explains that devils open up portals to the mortal plane to trap portals to force mortals into being warlocks. she taps a giant button that shuts the whole thing down, and it is now pitch black in the room

she casts light on her sword, saying the portals are closed. no one can go in, no one can go out - unless she says so

misfortune: what happens if someone was in a portal as you shut it down and got cut in half? // ciella: that is not how portals work

and as everyone tells ciella they’ll stay and keep helping, we end off the session! god you guys are badass

#warlock support group #dnd #dnd shenanigans

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davidjjohnston3 · 3 years

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1. Others' innocence can make us feel more alive and cleanly but we have sooner or later to 'cleanse the inside of your own cup' (Jesus).

2. I miss 'sis.' That's all. I'm not married at 36.5 but someone did say, 'as a sister.'

3. I listened to Sowon's cover of 'Happy' and wrote a letter to Taeyeon on Instagram that she said something nice to.

4. I have several wishes pace Pope Francis' 'Come Let Us Dream' in the Covid era. One of these is to move to Korea of course again, another to move to LA, and another to publish under the imprint of (Mrs.) Catherine Cho's literary imprint as 'Inferno' was terrifying to me in a good way and I too encountered both racism, antagonism towards introverts and quiet people, warehousing by TV, and other forms of evil and crime in the mental healthcare system from people who just want money or, worse in a way, fun and PRIDE. I also think now that the mental healthcare system in Milwaukee Conuty was designed to give nursing school graduates either an 'easy money' job or exposure to a new Nazi-like system pace abortion-culture under the Democratic Party (including at least one Asian sadly; Andrew Yang), in which the mentally abnormal are considered second-class citizens if not Hitlerian 'life unworthy of life.' My parents are Democrats incidentally and fully support this.

5. I am pro-life 100%; I was going to be aborted and my biological 'father in law' still wants to post-partum-abort me; I could describe the spiritual realization but it's anatomical as well as literally electric. I hope and pray the pro-life movement will be able to present a living paradigm whereby the value of orphan life can be demonstrated and God glorifide in a literal 'spirit of adoption' or at least a very good orphanage. This has been part of my dream or 'ghost' since at least 2010.

6. I was driving to see Bethlehem Baptist Church + Bethlehem College and Seminary in Minneapolis and felt a crucifying energy from the church; I also thought about Monica and the 'white garments' of righteousness and covered sin ('white as snow' - Isaiah).

7. I don't want to 'nuke the Johnston clan' but as I was brutally attacked by both my parents in a campaign involving widespread exaggeration lying to both biomedical professionals / sci-tech establishment as well as civil authority (police) I have written some notes and passages of a 'purple and gold' project, 'Johnston Family Promises; or How Easter Became April Fools,' which could be characterized as a parody of self-destruction, specifically self-post-partum-abortion by reversing the fact that medical doctor brain trust thought I'd be born on April Fool's but was actually born on Easter Sunday in Los Angeles, CA.

8. I just want a future at this point however as my biological 'family' turned violently against me and I am in the position of 'gathering in the summer' (Proverbs).

9. I thought, 'an authentic love'... I love Changrae Lee also but it took me a long time to understand the spiritual 'Requiem' sense of his best book, by far, 'The Surrendered.' Koreans I sometimes think are the one race or rather _ _ now taking the past seriously without throwing away the future. With Secretary Pompeo I feel America could fall in on itself or at least on people like me, including many vulnerable loved ones of all of yours, my Facebook friends.

10. On a lighter note I like (Ms. / Artist) Kim Taeyeon's 'Cover Up' - 'I can't cover up my heart.'

11. I still like Baskin Robbins Pineapple Coconut thoguh for some reason it makes me think of being a billionaire world-saving commerce-warrior in financial triller Michael Kim's 'Offerings.''

12. I gave the wrong things to the wrong people and made them worse; I expect to be judged by Moses as well as my former teacher-trainers and mentors for being 's/Sensei' who failed his students in both senses of fail (gave them F's and failed to teach them things that made them 'better'). It was a traumatic experience that made me feel demoted from EdAdmin that I had just been offered to wanting to assist-teach K4 or Spec/ExcepEd. That's what you get for 'adult education' / being honest with Boomers about your thoughts, feelings, and decades of study. I think Confuciu would say you can't teach constructively who have no sense of shame (old American whites), and moreover participate in a rape-culture including both literal rape, sex-traficking, university campus-culture, porneia,

13. I haven't yet had an EKG but could have experienced acute idiopathic cardiac distress from the Pfizer vaccine since too many beautiful women ages 11-80 all love me. I thought a while back at 36, 'How to use my last half of my life.' Then suddenly with pericardial effusion on my mind I thought, 'What to do with 3 months to 2.8 years.' I wanted to go to Korea; I saw a Servants of Christ video where she was in Korea walking by a river to 'I Need Thee Every Hour' a Christian hymn to Jesus about absolute dependency, 'most precious Lord.' I remembered Psalm 23 and a time I just wanted to be buried in a certain cemetery in Incheon. Some other things happened involving my marital future, 'Skinship,' but now I am hoping for at least 5-10 years as the acute issues have mostly settled down and I am a clever self-dietician. Honestly though with the state of healthcare in Wisconsin I thought about purchasing a needle myself for a pericardocentesis to drain the H2O.

14. I have one writing-project I might not complete but I feel a solid start that could / should be published about abortion-culture and based on 'Love in Color,' a popular song by a no-longer-pop-idol.

15. I still think about expositing American literature but suddenly 'The Old New World' means more to me; the old Midwestern novel, 'Winterlight,' 'My Soul at Night.' And, 'The Magnificent Ambersons,' destined love. I had a student in Korea who would be the card-carrying image of Lucy Morgan if they adapted it in addition to Mark Helprin's 'In Sunlight and in Shadow.'

16. I am (too?) afraid of the Cross of Gold. America getting rich. China's 'moderately prosperous nation' i.e. Get Middle Class or Die (and Take World w/ Us) Tryinng.' I want to be poor and poor-in-spirit except that I love some people who could use the money. That is part of why I think about Michael B. Kim.

17. I like green peas, peanut butter, and blueberries.

18. The best audiobook I read lately is almost holy to me, 'Inferno' by Catherine Cho but 'Forgotten God' by Francis Chan is also incredible. I listen to it while sleeping on audio and it always seems to wake me up at the perfect moment.

19. I finally figured out an 'audience' as well. If I could finally write a couple novels with a 'professional' utterance in addition to 'Love in Color' my 'caritas et amor' homage to a beautiful song and also something on the Covid era and old and young. Like Pastor John MacArthur, or with him / following him I just feel like the whole point of Covid was to give people a chance to do better by / with kids. 'We plant the trees; our children enjoy the shade' - a Chinese proverb that the orthodox preacher / shepherd John MacArthur cites nonetheless. The American Families Plan. Also even more (AUTHENTIC, non-guru-guff, non-fetishistic, non-trends-based) professionalization and humane policing and children's rights within the South Korean public and private schooling sectors.

20. I had one grand project as well called 'The Distant Lights of Seoul' that is kind of my take on 'In Sunlight and in Shadow' but it evolved in to something more personal that that's all... a trip I thought of taking, in the days when I was unsure whether to be the new or old.

21. I remember the most anguished summer of my life till now was 2003. 'Deep Inside of You' by 3EB. 'I would change myself if I could / I would walk with my people if I could find them / and I'd say I'm sorry to you.' Coincidentally I went on an 'icy-hot' date with a hyper-beautiful woman at the cafe-bar where Jenkins wrote 'Motorcycle Driveby.'

22. I made a 'partial audiobook' of the early Psalms - particularly 5, about God defending - and had a beautiful experience like reading to children.

23. I don't want to broaden myself out too much physically or experientially; I'm afraid of becoming mentally American. 'Leaving Babylon, Leaving America, Leaving Milwaukee, Leaving.' My homage to Madison Kwon Eunbi as well, theme-music 'Eraser.' But I have to be a better man to approach my new _.

24. My original 'Korea project' was called 'Transferring to Line Zero' and like many Millennial writers in 2010 I tried to sound like a Haruki Murakami narrator but my experience turned out to be more like Kazuo Ishiguro, Marcel Proust. I aimed for whisky but got wine. I wish I could write this as I know for whom. IDK if anyone cares though as Millennials almost all had 'these.' I just wish I could make something of it instead of seeming like 'Acute Fangirl's No. 1 Fanboy.' There wasn't a 'zero.'

25. I had a crush on Dreamcatcher JiU 'Lily Kim' I saw once in Chicago - 'prettier in real life' is a good way to zonk people out into falling in love with a picture - but I saw a picture of her in traditional Joseon garment and just thought, 'cordial neighbor.' That's all.

26. I used to write 'nuke Harvard' self-hyper-fanfiction about me v. the more customary winners and my ideal project is 'The Chinaman (or Chinese Poet) at American-Korean Thanksgiving.'

27. remembering my 2003 self / poet persona

akaka soru no

I thought about snow falling on velvet. I got in trouble in the neighborhood. I liked Red Velvet's 'Wish Tree.' I liked Wendy Son and Kim Yerim. A noble name, Son Seungwan, I'll say it once.

Maoists. I read 'Wild Swans.' I wanted to join you in your sadness and your beauty but I wasn't being Kawabata Yasunari. I don't want to generalize about my love for you but I don't believe in things either; Time disappears; mathematics inspires my disbelief; I think it can change.

'I love other people.'

What is it when parents grow old Do they go in to a new world They go to Heaven before us They know about being young

Wine, Elizabeth Strout novel 'Protestant endurance' in the old Midwest 'We are different from everybody'

The only question a bomb-threat at the school after 9.11 'Sospiro' fioritura In those days they were innocent 'I would take you seriously' (if I were a teacher) Now they try to be like New Yorkers I am not home

The poem that belonged to everyone flower a flower Can the passive-aggressive therapist Chinese girlfriend tea in the morning 'If I had to live with you'

the children of tomorrow where understanding ends require a world

a walk by the river i was old then carrying something i knew how to cook i knew how to live you sang 'dream' i said something like someone once said to me my old love contacted me via e-mail she said she had become materialistic and Republican she looked really good / happy married with kid after Covid-19 anaesthesiologist

28. Dov Danilov had abjected himself; he was known; on one cared. The only decisive or critical factor... There was that armored 'girlfriend of steel' or perhaps better-than-girlfriend, the trial by ordeal, the one-look judgmentality, but it was all the past. There was 'When You Are Old' and there had always been the presence of the Other like in 'The New World' with Pocahontas and John Smith; 'Who are you that haunts my dreams?' That was a gooood movie. He watched 'The Last Samurai' back in the day and didn't take it seriously but believed it contained good 'advices.' There was Manheim Wagner's 'Korea: How You Feel' that had a great photo that seemed to mean something about the author's feelings but the book was all about illegal narcotics and sex-trafficking. There was 'Brother One Fell' but it was all about masturbation and poor diet and illegal narcotics and what the Native Amerrian Indian shepherd-scholar hda called 'Mental Europeanness.' The shepherd-scholar called himself a 'sheep-rancher.' It was RU, 2005 autumn. 'Being known and ont cared for,' like HAndong from Dreamcatcher. Maybe, it was the beginning of the end of the nightmare. - I could eat again a little if I got another love-letter from a female student... or even another bouquet from a gay male student... Maybe I'll mrary a North Korean woman after reunification... Remember 'Honey and Clover?' - Good song. - It's an anime-drama. Originally it was a dorama. Pramodh liked it before BLM stole his soul and he death-threated me with Cannibal COrpse and hate. 'Moon River' on pianoforte.

- 'The Remains of DJ.' 'LA Dream.' 'Red Mansion Dream.' 'Pandemic of Honesty.' 'At the End of the Winter-Light; the Last of the Good Old Wisconsin Blue.' 'John Updike R

and I am not ashamed while my love is near me and I know it will be so till it's time to go So count the storms of winter and then the birds in spring again

'doctrine of unconditional evil'

29. My father acted in a really scary obsessive fashion toward me lately and now suddenly he is just eating and drinking.

30. Jesus Himself said in the Gospel not to curse your parents.

31. I thought something about 'Sentimental Education' lately.

32. A while ago I wanted to write or read 'stories about families.'

33. I want to return to my '2003' project that predicted bioweapons and stuff but not really.

If I were redoing it I might just make it about 'Honesty' and instead of magic assassins it would be the medical doctor charged with mitigating bioweapon magic damage and the FBI agent investigating the bad guys. Psalm 5.

34. Wanting to be the spiritual-intellectual successor to Bruce Cumings (hyper-meta historiography of the Korean War and, by extension, Covid, the world, Christ / CHristology, and the problems with non-Asia-based E. Asian Studies academicians or anyone who lacks Confucian scholar-gentleman / 'sunbi' / Scholar in Kingdom of Heaven sincerity). China buries corrrput intellectuals alive.

35. 'Final Offer' in Time (on Pres. Moon Jaein). 'Peace in Our Time?' Blessed are the peacemakers; blessed are the pure in heart.

36. IDK if it's worth saying but - dept. of Anti-Christology or study of Antichrist - the 'first world' as it used to be called by and large seemed to be trending towards Imperium. I honestly feel as if Barack Obama could be pulling the strings from within the CIA building and David Cameron adn Angela Merkel are in charge of all of Europe, while POpe Francis holds suzerainty of influence if not command-authority over the Spanish-speaking world. IDK if there is meaningful dissent outside of a few republic-nations such as Poland and South Korea, who paradoxically take on a posture of what Park Chunghee callde 'itnernational responsiblity' despite a history of atrocious suffering and monoethnic somewhat xenophobic traditional social makeup.

37. Flaubert's notes to his supreme masterpiece 'Sentimental Education'... I'll just say... How he taught Frederic Moureau to fall in love with Marie Arnoux; taught himself how to LOVE Marie both before the beginning and after the end of being 'in love' with this mother-paramour.

That said, I still remember the days when I had 'optimism' and someone said, '[woman] is happy because of you.'

38. I can't write more but do have specific goals, chiefly, master Korean and learn all the basic facts. Professionals and experts believe in facts; as my Russian Yale MBA friend used to say, 'I am a scientist.'

I wish I had a profession... 'literary criticism of life?' I am interested in 'the condition of fiction' and 'the logic of pulverization' but I just track John MacArthur. I need to reconstitute my body and mind then maybe...

Dreams of [doctoral degrees].

39. 2 Timothy, Acts 2, Thessalonians, Revelation, in the Covid era.

40. Dreaming of Bethlehem College and Seminary.

41. Dov Danilov had abjected himself; he was known; on one cared. The only decisive or critical factor... There was that armored 'girlfriend of steel' or perhaps better-than-girlfriend, the trial by ordeal, the one-look judgmentality, but it was all the past. There was 'When You Are Old' and there had always been the presence of the Other like in 'The New World' with Pocahontas and John Smith; 'Who are you that haunts my dreams?' That was a gooood movie. He watched 'The Last Samurai' back in the day and didn't take it seriously but believed it contained good 'advices.' There was Manheim Wagner's 'Korea: How You Feel' that had a great photo that seemed to mean something about the author's feelings but the book was all about illegal narcotics and sex-trafficking. There was 'Brother One Fell' but it was all about masturbation and poor diet and illegal narcotics and what the Native Amerrian Indian shepherd-scholar hda called 'Mental Europeanness.' The shepherd-scholar called himself a 'sheep-rancher.' It was RU, 2005 autumn. 'Being known and ont cared for,' like HAndong from Dreamcatcher. Maybe, it was the beginning of the end of the nightmare. - I could eat again a little if I got another love-letter from a female student... or even another bouquet from a gay male student... Maybe I'll mrary a North Korean woman after reunification... Remember 'Honey and Clover?' - Good song. - It's an anime-drama. Originally it was a dorama. Pramodh liked it before BLM stole his soul and he death-threated me with Cannibal COrpse and hate. 'Moon River' on pianoforte.

- 'The Remains of DJ.' 'LA Dream.' 'Red Mansion Dream.' 'Pandemic of Honesty.' 'At the End of the Winter-Light; the Last of the Good Old Wisconsin Blue.' 'John Updike R

and I am not ashamed while my love is near me and I know it will be so till it's time to go So count the storms of winter and then the birds in spring again

'doctrine of unconditional evil' - humans mistaking themselves for God the Father - abortion-culture - Pope Saint John Paul II 'Humana Vitae'

42. Ideas of Christianity versus praxis and parataxis of Christianity

43. I was fond of Becca on Xanga but not as much as 'Clover' People open so much they can't but close off like a French novel 'humanity-rule' though their psychology of women is 'unconvincing' Glenn Gould ate a lot of eggs he was a hypochrondriac I want to drink 'Delta Covid Winter Summer Wine' and think of Mary HK Choi 'Yolk,' Lear's Cordelia and the real one, caritas / a'ga'pe I hope I don't get kilt with a _ _ _

44. Side- / mini-project 'My Brother's Type' about anti-Asian racism.

45. Ideal YA novel / counter to all corrupt YAL books, 'Clover' from the Promise / Fromis song. It's beautiful, beauteous, 'fragrance from life to life.' 'I kept wishing for luck until I realized that which I wanted was happiness, yes?'

46. They were bored psychopathic Boomers; retirement had made them cannibal sociopaths. His mom was like Volumnia in Coriolanus. He didn't want to think about it. He remembered Shan by the Han River, 'Fair Love.' It was ten years ago; he weighed 25 pounds less but his mentality was the same. People were different. Children were different. In Wisconsin they evinced a... He was tired of being a bridge between West and East. No one was curious.

47. I approached something really intense and pure and holy - and absolutely specific - and can't back off or back down without harm to myself. This might be my last FBI.

48. I was 'boring guy.'

49. Summer rain.

50. That holiness... but also... CVA ('Charity edifieth')...

51. I want to read Korean poetry again as well. Better poetry than ever, I imagine, better people. 'Perfect Children.'

52. 'And When We Are Older' - A Poem for Someone about My Age

And when we are old it won't necessarily get easier or fall into place or smooth into bonhomie or grow delicate as papery exquisite autumn leaves like the face of Jennifer Aniston and sometimes at the gym my smaller shoulder-muscles push harder but they remind me in this cute, precious way of some kind knowing amid Cross and sword that ever valor is a risk and God has got his hour writ. I thought that by now I would know what it's like to be one flesh with a wife, to watch a daughter practicing pianoforte, play catch with a son in the yard of a house by New Jersey reedy ponds. That dream began in 1994 and there it stays, between the 'cello-clabbered music-room and gildered auditorium and still, in these institutions, nowhere to confess my love, nowhere to begin, just papers to plan on or wise. I used to love book-reviews, the language of dictionaries that could seem to get life so right, "Validity in Interpretation," the days when newspapers seemed to love me more than my own teachers, Colossians 4:6, editing sprinkled with salt, giving reason for hope, appropriate, apt, jeongdokhada. They get old and old and much is made of the things we can experience; sometimes I think that my dear friend quit Samsung too soon to know how to build his own team and I quit at least three jobs too soon and didn't stay in hot pursuit and now feel almost as if only my thoughts are as brightly alive with a love-light as your face once was. I get so lost at shopping malls, drowning; I don't get what anyone is up to. There was a Monsignor who composed or redacted this immense ethnography of all Korea but it must have broken his heart too, man who never took a wife, knitting red, his memory, the kind of person who arrives as I, watching Pompeo et al, in the hope of a benevolent ruler both forever and for the time being too... My friend used to say I could lead but I couldn't even shut down the snark-machine and Reddit had a field day with me and honestly maybe I've never loved anyone adequately. Let's be young a while more and though I didn't like this as a kid we can talk to the TV like at my grandparents' house long ago and again born on the new day, maybe we'll spend some time married.

53. 'Happy Days'

54. I miss the good K-dramas from Dramafever days though I don't watch television anymore... I wish I did just to rest my eyes... I miss 'Please Come Back Ahjusshi'... He's on the flying aerospace train to Heaven with his tears of contrition but decidees to return to Earth to delete his porn-collection for his wife and daughter surviving him... I deleted my biological father's literary porn collection ('daddy'-stepdaughter coercive / rape; adulterous housewife)... but he tried to send me to death and Hell.

55. It was like autumn in Korea this morning with the lamps and air-moisture; it was like Korean summer this early evening with August rain.

56. I want to regain my purity of literary style but hopefully God willing write something profitable / fruitful. I might just teach again for pay..

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madewithonerib · 4 years

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Guilt & Grievance, Part 1 | Colin Smith

Grief invariably has its what ifs & if onlys, "I should have done more & there are things that looking back now, that I could have done & I could have done them differently & if I had done what I didn't do, it might have made all the difference in the world you know.."

Welcome to unlocking the BIBLE with pastor Colin Smith, & Colin one of the things I hear you say pretty frequently is the BIBLE addresses everything we experience in life.

Including those times we look back in, & have this sense of guilt because of something that we feel we should have or could have done.

Yes & we're in the book of Lamentations, that deals with the loss & grief, & you know grief always comes with guilt attached [yeah].

I don't think I have ever had a conversation with someone who's lost a loved one, where there hasn't been some aspect to:

"I wished I had done this, I should have done that, I haven't said something that I should have said. Or I said something I wished I had never said.

Now how are you going to deal with guilt? This is a really important question.

People sometimes said, "Well I know that GOD's forgiven me, but I can't forgive myself."

Well how are you going to deal with that?

How are you going to come to a place of finding peace over something that just stays with you in your stomach & you can't get away from it?

And then people say, "Well there's true guilt & there's false guilt." Well actually that's not very helpful.

What are you going to do if it's false guilt? How are you going to deal with that?

You still have to deal with it.

And you know what GOD has given us, a whole book of the BIBLE that deals with these issues:

It's the book of Lamentations.

It's all about loss, & there's a huge amount about guilt in it & about how we're to deal with the guilt that we may often feel.

So these are not the most popular of subjects, but you know what?

They're subjects that all of us encounter in the reality of life & thank GOD HE has spoken in HIS WORD about what we need to hear & about the realities of the life that we experience.

Well grab your BIBLE then & join us in Lamentations 1, as we begin a message on guilt & grievance.

Here is pastor Colin:

Today I want to focus on another pair of themes, that run all the way through the book of Lamentations & these are guilt & grievance.

Now let's start then with this very important subject of guilt.

I want you to see that GOD has given to us, not one, but two whole books of the BIBLE, that deal with the subject of suffering grief & loss.

One of these of course is the book of Lamentations, that we're looking at here, the other is the book of Job.

Now why would GOD have given us two books on this one subject in the SCRIPTURE?

Well it's very important to observe the differences between these two books, because they speak to different scenarios.

And it's very important to observe the differences.

Never more so than in relation to the subject of guilt.

Now guilt as you will remember, play absolutely no part whatsoever in the book or the story of Job.

Job was a righteous man.

The very first v.of the book of Job tells us:

He was blameless, he was outright, he feared GOD & he turned away from evil.

That's four statements, that right at the beginning say, whatever happens to Job was nothing to do with sin in his life.

He was a blameless & an upright man.

That's very very clear, from the very first verse. Of course his friends didn't believe that;

& the whole story evolves as his friends come along & they're convinced in their mind that GOD brings good to those who're good

& brings trouble to those who are wicked.

And therefore because trouble has come to Job, that must be a fact to mean that there is some secret hidden sin in his life.

And so they come & they sit with him, that was good; but then they come to him & they say:

Well why don't you just confess?

Obviously because this is happening to you, there must be some secret sin that we don't know about that's at the root.

Why don't you just own up to it? Why don't you just tell us the truth? There must be something.

And this goes on & on & on, Job protests his innocence.

He says, "No I'm in the right." [Job 9:15] He says, "I'm blameless" [Job 9:20-21].

Job 9:15 | For even if I were right, I could not answer. I could only beg my Judge for mercy.

Job 9:20-21 | Even if I were righteous, my mouth would condemn me; if I were blameless, it would declare me guilty. Though I am blameless, I have no concern for myself; I despise my own life.

Do you remember at the end of the story of Job, very significantly GOD stands with Job & not with his friends.

And GOD says to Eliphaz [Job 42:7],

"MY anger burns against you & the friends, for you have not spoken of ME right, as have MY servant Job."

Job 42:7 | After the LORD had spoken these words to Job, HE said to Eliphaz the Temanite,

“MY wrath is kindled against you & your two friends. For you have not spoken about ME accurately, as MY servant Job has.

Job has spoken faithfully about ME, you & your friends, GOD says to Eliphaz, "have misrepresented ME, because you have been so convinced that the root of every suffering there must be some sin that is it's cause."

Walter Kaiser says, "One of the harshest things that we mortals can ever impose on one another, is the flippant way in which we can automatically assume that any pain anguish or something visited on another person must be the result of that person's sin."

And you know what it happens.

It happened in John 9, & as I was thinking about this, I thought:

"Yes, yes the Pharisees did this with regards to the blind man."

And as I looked it up just to check the reference in John 9, I was struck by the fact that it wasn't the Pharisees, it was the disciples of JESUS.

John 9:1 says, "HIS disciples asked HIM,

'Rabbi who sinned? Was it this man or was his parents, that he was born blind?'

And JESUS answered, 'It was not that this man sinned, or that his parents had sinned.

But that the works of GOD might be displayed in him.'"

In other words JESUS says:

if you think that all grief & long-suffering is related to personal sin, you're completely wrong.

There is a kind of suffering that comes in the world, in which the purpose of GOD is to display of HIS glory.

It's an amazing thing when that happens.

Of course that's what happened in the story Job. When he suffered the glory of GOD was revealed to him.

So he said, "YOU know I have heard with my ears, but now I see with my eye!"

Not only is the glory of GOD revealed to him, the glory of GOD was revealed in him, & the glory of GOD was revealed through him.

So that down through the generations, GOD has used that man's testimony & suffering for the strengthening & the comforting of millions.

So guilt plays no part in the story of Job. [7:35]

2.] True Guilt: Requires GOD’s Grace

But GOD has given us two books.

Guilt is written all over the book of Lamentations.

And I want you to see this as we turn to Lamentations, let me give you six references; I’ll give them in quick succession, so if you’re taking notes just jot the reference.

Rather than to try & write all of these down.

2.1]

Let’s begin in Lamentations 1:18

Lamentations 1:18-20 | The LORD is righteous, for I have rebelled against HIS command.

Listen, all you people; look upon my suffering.

My young men & maidens have gone into captivity. I called out to my lovers, but they have betrayed me.

My priests & elders perished in the city while they searched for food to keep themselves alive.

See, O LORD, how distressed I am! I am churning within; my heart is pounding within me, for I have been most rebellious.

Outside, the sword bereaves; inside, there is death.

This is the very opposite of what we find in Job, so it’s a totally different situation, we’re dealing with.

I am distressed, why?

Verse 20, because I have been rebellious.

Verse 22, “deal with them as YOU have dealt with me. because of all of my transgressions.

Or Lamentations 3:42-44, or 4:13-15, 4:22..

Lamentations 3:42-44 | “We have sinned & rebelled; YOU have not forgiven.” YOU have covered YOURSELF in anger & pursued us; YOU have killed without pity. YOU have covered YOURSELF with a cloud that no prayer can pass through.

Lamentations 4:13-15 | But this was for the sins of her prophets & the guilt of her priests, who shed** the blood of the righteous in her midst.

They wandered blind in the streets, defiled by this blood, so that no one dared to touch their garments.

“Go away! Unclean!” men shouted at them. “Away, away! Do not touch us!” So they fled & wandered.

Among the nations it was said, “They can stay here no longer.”

**guilt: iniquities of her priests, who shed the blood of the righteous

Lamentations 4:22 | O Daughter of Zion, your punishment is complete;*** HE will not prolong your exile. But HE will punish your iniquity, O Daughter of Edom; HE will expose your sins.

The punishment of your iniquity is accomplished.***

So you can see immediately that this is a theme that runs through all the book & it could not be more opposite from what we find in the book of Job.

It’s describing entirely different situations.

Lamentations is like the thief on the cross, who you remember said, “we are getting what our deeds deserve.”

That confession is all over the book of Lamentations [9:30]

So Job & Lamentations are kind of like book ends on the spectrum of guilt in the experience of grief & loss.

In Job, guilt plays absolutely no part at all.

In Lamentations it’s all over the place.

Now let me suggest this to you, most of us in our experience of grief, sorrow, & loss—will experience something between the book of Job & the book of Lamentations.

Grief usually comes with some guilt attached.

What should I have done that I didn’t do?

What did I do that I shouldn’t have done?

Grief invariably has its “what ifs” & its “if onlys”

If only I had done this!

Oh if only I had not done that..

If only I had called the doctor sooner..

If only we had not planned that trip...

I should have done more & there were things looking back now that I could have done, & I could have done them differently, & if I had done what I didn’t do, it might have made all the difference in the world, you know

A grieved person will also often find that thing that were said & done years ago, suddenly come back to mind & bring a fresh guilt—even though they had been long forgotten.

Harsh words that you spoke, perhaps a long time ago, & now the memory of them comes back, now that the person is gone.

And oh you wished you had never said that. How could I have said that? [11:45]

Foolish things you did.

Oh I was such a fool when I was young.

Dr. Packer puts it this way: Old guilts & neglects come back to mind, thoughts of what we could & should have done differently & better come hammering at our hearts like battering rams.

Now that's part of the experience of grief.

Sometimes there are issues directly related to the death of a loved one. A loyal spouse keeps watch, for days, by a bed side.

Then steps out of the room for an hour or two, & they cannot forgive themselves for that they were not there at the end.

Then of course, on top of the "what ifs" & the "if onlys" there's this whole horrible matter of the sense of unfinished business.

Especially if a loss has come suddenly & unexpectedly, & there was not the chance to prepare for it.

We never had the chance [13:00] to say goodbye.

So grief usually comes with guilt attached.

And if the only book of the BIBLE that dealt with suffering was one in which the sufferer was able to say I am blameless & I am innocent, then we would be lacking something we desperately need in the BIBLE.

And we find in the book of Lamentations. [13:35]

You're listening to Unlocking the BIBLE with pastor Colin Smith & a message called Guilts & Grievances.

Today we really have been looking at guilt, we've been seeing how grief usually does come with guilt attached.

And in just a few moments, we're going to take a look at the distinction between true guilt & false guilt, & what to do about them both.

But today's message Guilt & Grievances is part of a larger series entitled: For All Who Grieve.

And this series raised the content of pastor Colin's newest book entitled "For All Who Grieve."

It's our thank you gift to you for supporting our ministry of Unlocking the BIBLE this month.

I'll let you know how you can get your own copy of this new book from pastor Colin in just a little bit, so stay with us. Let's get back to the message. [14:21]

Now there is a very important distinction of which all you surely will be aware.

1.] Where between false guilt & true guilt, let me try & distinguish them for you. False guilt comes when we take responsibility for something that was not our calling or was not under our control. That's what false guilt is.

It's when we take responsibility that we is not our calling & was not under our responsibility for something that was not our calling or was not under our control [14:51].

2.] True guilt in contrast, is when we shirk responsibility for something that is our calling, or something that is the command of GOD.

When we shirk responsibility, for something that is our calling, or that is the command of GOD. [15:10]

Now the answer in the first instance to false guilt is truth; the answer to true guilt is grace.

And therefore how wonderful it is that our LORD JESUS CHRIST is full of (say it with me) grace & truth.

In other words, in the LORD JESUS CHRIST there is everything that is needed, for dealing with guilt—whether it be false guilt or whether it be true. [15:44]

Here's the thing that I have observed over the years as a pastor & you may have observed & experienced it as well. 3.] Sometimes it isn't so easy to tell the difference between true guilt & false guilt. And so here's what often happens:

A grieving person feels a weight of guilt, it runs deep, it isn't easy for her/him to speak about it—but when s/he does the person who is close to them says:

Now look that's false guilt, & you need to be done with it. And that wasn't your responsibility, & so forth & so on.

Now here's what I've oberved: Sometimes that doesn't really help, & here's why...

Even if the guilt is without foundation, it is very very real to the bereaved person, so simply to say to a person on whom this weight continues to rest.

Well you know there's nothing for you to feel guilty about here.

Doesn't actually remove or bring help to the problem.

I've found that when a person struggles with what may indeed be false guilt, & continues to struggle with it over a period of time, so it's not relieved.

There are situations where people struggle with this for years & it just gets pressed down & pressed down because the only answer that's ever given is that's false guilt & you should be moving on from it by now.

Sometimes it may be more helpful to say something like this, & I do hope & pray that this will be useful to some in the congregation. [17:36]

Let's put the discussion of what's true guilt & what's false guilt to one side. The point is what you are experiencing is real.

Your conscience is burdened, you believe that there is something that you should have done & didn't do or did not do & should have done.

If this were indeed true guilt, what would you do with it? [18:07]

Well the answer is obvious, I would confess it & I would place it under the blood of the LORD JESUS CHRIST.

So that's what you would do with real guilt. [18:24] Let's do that with this, right now.

Now here's my basis for this, friends, CHRIST offered HIMSELF not only that your sins may be forgiven, but HE shed HIS blood (the book of Hebrews tells us), so that your conscience should be cleansed.

We find this in Hebrews 9:14 & 10:22. [18:52]

Hebrews 9:14 | how much more will the blood of CHRIST, who through the eternal SPIRIT offered HIMSELF unblemished to GOD, purify our consciences from works of death, so that we may serve the living GOD!

Hebrews 10:22 | let us draw near with a sincere heart in full assurance of faith, having our hearts sprinkled to cleanse us from a guilty conscience & our bodies washed with pure water.

Colin Smith is senior pastor of The Orchard Evangelical Free Church, a thriving, multi-campus church located in the northwest suburbs of Chicago, and president of Unlocking the Bible.

unlockingthebible.org/broadcast/guilt-grievance-1/

#Guilt #Colin Smith #Grievance #Lamentations #John 9:1 #works of GOD #not personal sin #glory of GOD #revealed to him #revealed in him #revealed through him #comforting millions #generations #used of GOD #Job 42:7 #Lamentations 4:22 #expose your sins

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everythingtimeless · 7 years

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Welcome to EverythingTimeless’ Weekly Roundtable, a sprawling discussion in which your friendly neighborhood Mod Time Team breaks down episodes of our favorite show, Timeless. We can’t promise to be coherent, but we’ll try our best.

This week: Season 1, Episode 2 - The Assassination of Abraham Lincoln

Sarah: Friends, family, Time Team. We are gathered here today. To talk about Robert Todd Lincoln. (Right? That’s what we’re here to talk about?)

Kate: Can I say it is still to soon even if I was supposed to be prepared to? Because, RTL.

Gissane: That’s exactly what I signed up for. I also think we should make a fan club. Posters. Tees. Mugs. ALL THINGS RTL.

Ann: Girls, we must be PROFESSIONALS about this now. We are SERIOUS bloggers. So we can only squee over Dreamboat Lincoln in due order of the episode conversation.(Also maybe set up a side-side RTL appreciation blog?)

Kate: Maybe? Definitely.

Sarah: Decorum is the name of the game. (What do you think - Robert Toddless? Thinkin’ Lincoln? Todd Team?)

Gissane: Todd Team. YES. Can we be the Todd Team?

Kate: Alright, perhaps we gather what is left of our dignity and start at the top of the episode. I shall begin with the brave opinion that John Wilkes Booth is a toady dumpster fire of a human.

Sarah: Opinion super sustained.

Ann: I always appreciate the complete and utter loathing he inspires.

Gissane: Agreed. Very much agreed.

Sarah: It really does quickly pull you into the episode - something so recognizable and startling.

Ann: It absolutely does.

Kate: Like every time I see Titanic and think they will avoid the huge chunk of floating ice, I saw it and was still somehow shocked he was assassinated? Timeless knows how to deliver the drama, even when we see it coming.

Gissane: Yup, because on a show like this, we somehow hope that it can happen, but at the same time, we know that it shouldn’t. And a huge part of that drama was that amazing debate among the Time Team. It breaks me every single time.

Ann: Well and there is the *actual* chance they can change history, they could right a wrong. And even if we know that would royally fuck up so much more, a part of us still wants to save Abraham Lincoln, you know?

Kate: I love that the team members each have a voice though. Like a passionate though respectful debate about changing the entire course of history because how do you pass up the chance to save Abraham Lincoln?

Gissane: Always save Lincoln. Always.

Sarah: Well, Rufus’s point of view actually makes me cry.Because for him the ramifications of Lincoln’s death are so rooted in his oppression.

Kate: Rufus always providing such an important representation of a perspective rarely entertained.

Sarah: And seeing the hope in the soldier’s eyes as they talked about freedom - devastating.

Ann: That scene where the soldiers asked him to write letters for them? I cried.

Kate: And the whole while Rufus knows what is coming for them historically, so then when he might have a chance to save Abraham which would go a long way in saving them all? Gahhhhh. I am undone.

Gissane: It literally doesn’t matter how many times I watch this episode, I will choke up like a baby every time. I don’t think any episode has gotten to me as much as this has, to be honest.

Sarah: Right Kate - Lucy idolizes Lincoln, Wyatt sees saving Lincoln as proof that fate can and should change - which would in turn save his wife. But to Rufus, he still lives with a piece of that.

And agreed so much, Giss. One of the soldiers - who had fought for the country, for his freedom - hasn’t seen his wife since she was sold. Timeless took this Lincoln episode seriously, and it shows.

Kate: Rufus is the character that won’t allow us to conveniently forget the implications of history. HE IS SO IMPORTANT.

Gissane: I feel like we’ll say this every week, but I love how unapologetic this show is in regards to painting the ugliest sides of history to remind viewers of just how awful it was and essentially still is at times.

Sarah: Yes and yes.

Ann: It’s scary how much these lessons both still resonate and beg to be learned, you know?

Gissane: I love that even though we can definitely mess with history, the show still sticks to telling us truths that we may have forgotten upon learning or that may have been concealed from the textbooks.

Kate: Both, so so much Annie.

Let us take a sojourn to another important little piece of the episode. In which the impeccable Jiya offers to help Lucy figure out what happened to her sister.

Sarah: Here. For. Lady. Friendship.

Gissane: You mean in the second episode of a show two women had a conversation that didn’t revolve around a man!?And it was done so effortlessly, you could tell right away that because both these women are incredibly kind, they’d get along perfectly with one another.

Kate: Meanwhile Conner “I have the sympathy of a plastic bag” Mason is all like, ummm sorry bout your sister maybe not really.

Gissane: Connor “No Chill, No Grace” Mason.

Sarah: Someone did not attend Mason Industries sensitivity training.

Kate: It tickles me that every time the Time Team returns and reports a disturbance in the history force that Denise and Connor are all like, whatttt? Nooooo. How?!?!?!

Ann: I also live for Denise’s face every time Connor speaks.

Gissane: She is all of us.

Kate: She wants to hit him so hard. Upside the head, really quickly and repeatedly.

Sarah: Can you imagine, though, finding out that not only is your sister just…not in existence…but the man who you thought was your father was, in fact, not your father…and then you are pushed into a small deathtrap and flung back to the assassination of your country’s greatest leader?

Kate: Also she is engaged to a stranger. Lucy has way more composure than pretty much anyone ever.

Gissane: And we can talk about how Wyatt slams Connor about being a little more sensitive. But in all seriousness, if I was Lucy, I’d lose my head in a heartbeat. Actual QUEEN.

Ann: Oh I would have crumbled immediately, if not sooner. I would have traveled back in time to crumble sooner probably.

Kate: This is where Wyatt really begins to take a stand for his team and I love it. First with assuring Lucy that they would fix the timeline and get her sister back. Then with Rufus, building up his self confidence.

Gissane: YES. I love his moments with Rufus too much to be able to form words.

Kate: Wyatt started becoming more than just a super pretty face with a head that rocks a hat like nobody’s business this episode.

Sarah: It also begins one of my favorite pieces of this stupid (wonderful) show - which is Wyatt helping Lucy with her seat belt. (And Wyatt’s perpetual motion sickness.)

Ann: Sarah no.

Kate: Yes Sarah. YESSSSSSS. Yep.

Gissane: SO. MANY. EMOTIONS.

Sarah: I don’t know what I did in a past life to be punished? rewarded? thusly. But I curse and praise some deity.

Ann: I swear to god every time I put on a seatbelt now I am pissed as hell that it’s my hands and not Wyatt Logan’s adjusting the strap for safety.

Kate: Wyatt Logan is the sear belt fastener we all deserve.

But also, and finally going back to where we feverishly began. Lucy and RTL. Going to the Ford Theater. Making eyes at each other. DISCUSS.

Gissane: THE WAY HE WALKS IN. Just. I need to go lay down.On a serious note though, the thing that gets to me is how proud he is to be Abraham Lincoln’s son. He doesn’t feel pressured to live in the shadow, he appreciates it. An absolute babe with a heart of gold? I cannot handle.

Sarah: It is a beautiful thing.

Kate: I will never get over the anguish in his face when he found Lucy outside of the theater.

Sarah: I think all of it is so lovely in setting this scene - it’s a story we (or, well, we as Americans in this chat) know well. But he helps to humanize it. All of the small details - including the mailroom and the dimly lit theatre and trying to avoid the show (or help Ulysses avoid the show).

Kate: I feel like we think of Abraham Lincoln as ours, you know? Leader of a country through one of the most tumultuous times in our history. But he belonged to others, and this show allowed us to see the imitate cost.

Gissane: Oh man. I have chills.

Sarah: Yes, Kate.

Gissane: KATE. SARAH. Wow.

Sarah: Even seeing Ford’s Theatre now, it’s hard to place it back to that time. But I think that Timeless really succeeds. All while weaving an interesting story and building this new relationship between our 3 main nuggets.

Gissane: The first time I ever passed by Ford’s Theatre. I couldn’t describe that feeling even if I tried.

Kate: Yes. It gives new breath and dimension to characters or stories we felt we knew, and draws us into the new stories of this team.

Sarah: There’s a Sephora about 300 feet from Ford’s Theatre now, so it really is worlds removed. It also created a high stakes mission.

There were several moments where I thought, “Oh damn. Lucy is going to save Lincoln.” And Lucy had to make the choice (Though, in that moment, the chaos made it impossible to save him anyway. And here we see Fate in action once again.)

Gissane: But I also love that she clearly tried towards the end, but it was too late. It was just not meant to be I guess. IT HURTS.

Kate: And considering she was in the box when it happened. How traumatic. Lucy Preston is so damn strong I cannot.

Sarah: SO strong. (Of course RTL sees that and comes to her immediately after…)

Kate: A small aside. Garcia. We don’t know him yet, his motivations, his past. It is jarring to be attached to him now (because damnit I am) and go back and see him at his most detached.

Sarah: He was outright terrifying. He killed Lincoln point blank, no hesitation.

Kate: But I swear there was regret in his eyes when he shot Lincoln, so this is when I started wondering just what the hell he was up to. Or maybe I imagined it because he has really pretty eyessssss.

Gissane: But I feel like Flynn is the kind of man who’d look up to Lincoln in one way or another. If there’s one president that could win even the cruelest hearts, it’s Lincoln.

Sarah: True, Giss.Which makes his desperation all that much more apparent.

Well, friends and Todd Teamers. Final thoughts?

Kate: Other than poor Lucy, she goes from watching the president be assassinated to an engagement party to a man she is just meeting? Time Travel Whiplash, my friends

Gissane: After this episode, I became Timeless trash. There was no turning back.

Sarah: Mostly I think they’ve started to really carve a few important paths for the show: There seem to be no stakes too high for Garcia. Fate appears to be unavoidable. And time is malleable.

I cannot wait to see what timeline our friends mess up next - and hopefully we get some Amy-related answers? P.S. I would also not cry about seeing Wyatt shirtless again

Kate: Until Atomic City, location Trash Vegas, my friends.

Gissane: Good day, darling souls!

Kate: (On to dream about Wyatt shirtless, thanks muchly!)

#timeless recap #timeless roundtable #timeless review #timeless #1x02

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amazonite-dreams · 7 years

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Carols Book Babbles HP: A Flaming Cup of Pisssssss

Ok real talk. This one. This one right here is my favorite so far! This is the book where everything changes and I'm not even ready for it. YES this review is going to be much longer, but you know what, SHUT IT! JK Rowling kept making hers longer and longer and I don't hear anyone complaining about that? I can't even describe how much aggressive eating I did in this one until i was aggressively nopeNopeNOpeNOPE! Am I in need of medication? probably. Lets DO this THING!!!

1. If football was as exiting as quittage I’d be downstairs yelling at the tv with my boorish brother

2. The formation of spew is my favorite. (I’m-still-waiting-for-anti-discrimination activist-on-the-part-of-werewolves-though.)

3. Poor poor Winky (Last Chapter Addendum: WTF WINKY!!!!!)

4. I want to make a game where you stand next to a door and try to go through it without anyone noticing it. The next great meme challenge, call it platform 9 3/4

5. Haha boober tubers solve acne I get it! Ah puberty. So glad it never happened to me xD #worstyearsofmylife

6. I would love to know what moody taught his first years. I mean I respect him for not lying to the kids and treating them with respect but damn! He’s cold as ice and oh my god NEVIL! Come here baby, There’s coco in the kettle and kittens on the floor. you be alright buddy (Harry-could-use-some-selfcare-as-well) (Last Chapter Addendum: YOU SADISTIC BASTARD!)

7. Good things, bad things and everything’s come in threes, which is a brilliant set up for having a fourth champion (worst-things-come-in-7s-though)

8. You know, all the writers we’ve met so far in this world have been horrible lying people. I think it’s worth noting that not all writers are like that, and that if I were a witch that would probably be one of the jobs I would consider. I mean enchanted quils would make dealing with my dyslexia WAY easier and think of all the interesting stuff I could write about! Dream job if I do say so myself. (I’d probably make a magical baking book on how to make changing cupcakes and glitter exposing pies)

9. Ah time to bring it back, sing it with me kids “The Harry Potter didn’t ask to be famous and is getting real sick of this shit”

10. Note: if you write in a universe where there are dragons, you must have them appear in your series at least 3 times. (I-don’t-make-the-rules)

11. “‘No I’m fine!’ said Harry wondering why he kept telling people this and wondering whether he had ever been less fine” #mylife #relatable

12. Boys! Get in a fight, Don’t talk to each other for weeks and soon as they’ve made up it’s like it never even happened. ^is it weird i imagine this sentence in Hermione's voice

13. Despite my best attempts, I’ve become fascinated with blast ended skrewts

14. DOBYS BACK!!!

15. Christmas at Hogwarts sounds like the best Christmas! Baring the unfortunate name jokes that come with the season (I shit you not every year) I think I would really enjoy it. It also really warms my heart to imagine harry opening his presents every year. 4 for you Harry Potter

16. The Yule ball story line is a favorite of mine. The anguish and awkwardness of asking someone, rumors and hormones flowing, people suddenly getting improvements to their physical appearance. It all reminds me of something...

...Dances. It reminds me of high school and middle school dances. And while they were torture at the time, looking back at them with the benefit of hindsight and just how fruitful it all was gives me a sense of... I don’t know peace? Nostalgia? Some feeling of yes I was hopeless but so was everyone else, look at us all, little idiots we were! And we turned out just fine.

17. AAAAAWWW DOBY!!! (I’ll try not to repeat this as often as I want to)

18. I CANT BELIEVE DUMBLEDORE MENTIONED THE ROOM OF REQUIREMENT AT THE YULE FEAST JESUS THERE ARE NO ACCIDENTS ARE THERE!?!?!?

19. The ball itself is magical. (I aint even srry get@me)

20. Don’t get me wrong I love Ron, but he can be a bit of a misogynistic dick. I’m sure he will grow out of that though.

21. I love Hagrid! I love Hagrid with the recluse abandon of a thousand hugs and kisses! He’s just the best of humanity half giant or not!

22. The underwater challenge made me really aware of my breathing for a while. There are worse things (it’s not like I’ve been imagining a loved one drowning the past half a year lol hahaha kill me)

23. “You can measure a man by the way he treats his inferiors, not his equals.” Thank You Sensei Serious

24. Using the death eaters as an allegory for nazi soldiers after wwII is really powerful. A+. I feel like I should talk about this more but I honestly have nothing to add, well done.

25. NIFFLERS!!!

26. Barty crouch is the definition of father issues as far as I’m concerned.

27. And POOR NEVILLE! I will say this as often as I like because I don’t think it gets mentioned enough. Neville Longbottom went through just as much as Harry did and I am all for giving him his own series! #WBmakeithappen

28. Cedric is such a pure soul, just wants everything to be fair and working so hard like a good hufflepuff! Just a really good kid who’s going to grow into a wonderful wizard! I’m not prepared for what’s about to happen. Nope I am not ready. Oh I know it has to, I know there is a death of a pure character in every canon to represent the loss of innocence or some shit. But NO. Not this time. no...

...You bastard.

29. Im not going to comment on what happened in the graveyard. Perfect writing, heart wrenching, blah blah blah you get it. K? K. (holds back tears)

30. Yes this exactly. Yes Great! Treat it like a real traumatizing experience! Show it as something real and scaring and lasting that happened! Perfect. Absolutely perfect. I can't tell you how much it fucking annoys me when writers don't take this shit seriously, just wave it off without a care like “My characters to strong to experience real lose in a human way!” NO.

31. There are failures in political office... and then there’s Cornelius Fudge.

Sorry about the late upload, life been very busy lately with the sis getting married. To be perfectly honest this book is just as good as I remembered. Ive always regarded it as my favorite though that might change around Half-blood Prince (I read that one A LOT cus I had the CDs of that one.) As for right now I think I need a little break from Harry. Its not him its me, not ready to get my soul crushed. Lets see how this format works on a brand spankin new book from one of my favorite Internet personalities John Green. Ill come back to HP after that so see you next time for...

Now With %1000 More Turtles!

also

HP: Committee for the prevention of stupid

#Harry Potter #Harry potter and the goblet of fire #Carols book babbles

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